Michelle Collins and the Curious Case of the Virgin Mango

you know we just started doing intros because before we had guests we never intro and then i listened to it and like at home in the car and i'm like we never say who the fuck this is but that's okay that's more fun you don't even say because you don't need to like people know who you are what this is they don't care about me don't even introduce me don't say my name don't mention my tour my show i think you should leave i would love to thank you so today's co-host is a hilarious comedian a worldwide traveler and your gay friend's favorite view co-host it is the talented michelle collins oh my god tricks that was a nice that's a nice compliment your gay friends because it's only gays who watch the view so that means a lot do you think it's only gays i but i feel like it's what's funny is if you make television for women gay men are like mine that's right golden girls well you know what it is it's gays and grandmas like whenever i would travel when i was on the show i was recognized by like old grandma sitting at home and young gay guy who like waited tables at night and were watching tv at home right yeah i will say you pulled in and i for some reason lately that the the internet's been serving me clips of the view because it's just every time something crazy has happened on the view you are stuck in the room while it happens i know you are not the perpetrator of it thank you it's like something crazy happening and you just like well you know the funny thing is my eye makeup story on the view is something that one because i put well i you were a lot a heavy lid i just didn't a heavy lid and i don't want to say too much here because i don't want to throw anyone under the bus i'll throw myself under the bus today but um i know i hate too much makeup so well no but it has to look right and be blended correctly and like in this case it really wasn't and i'll say i don't think a lot of people were like looking out for me at the time and right you see what i mean and so i was just like well i'm gonna go out there with this makeup story on and i wanted it to be like i like love a smoky eye i have on today but it was very dusty springfield heavy smoke and so when i sat there oftentimes it was just two literal black eyes because my lids were closed because i was like i can't even look up if you watch some of those clips uncanny valley the uncanny valley makeup no you don't look like no it was not great for me the styling was bad the styling was bad but that's okay what were you gonna say you're doing like a thinner line nowadays though too you also i feel like had a thicker line it was a thicker darker everything it was everything just to distract from my jaw and my body and so i more on the lids will balance the rest of the body it was a fear-based decision that's correct and and when i watch i can't watch the clips because like you know there's a certain amount of um the universe never shows me a nice normal clip on the view the universe shows me the crazy shit and to be fair you all are talking about hot button topics from the heart off the cuff live live yeah so that's why we're watching it's a minefield it's a show that is genuinely begging your lives and i have so much respect for every host has ever been on that show because no matter who you are it is a it's a dangerous show to be on that's how i feel about like bravo programs i have respect because i'm like this is this is people really having to put themselves out there yeah and as much as yeah it's funny you laugh at like lol reality tv these cameras are like in their house in their up their pussy basically here's your divorce here's your bankruptcy here's your here's your prison sentence i know you know death even it's like crazy what they come on the view and you guys are trying to keep it light well you're trying to have like a button on like anyway well sucks about the burn victim but you know how about popcorn or something i don't know it's really good you should audition you guys are trying to balance it you're trying to balance it but every time there's a there's an there's an odd clip where the audience goes like because a view i notice the audience will go like whoa i know the audience is like watching baseball when something is weird the audience is like oh well i had the real measure wendy because wendy's audience is like doing the wave let me also say and i'll take this opportunity to say that wendy was one of my greatest supporters when i was on that show that's great and i want you to know i will never say a bad word about that woman i love her tall skeletons stick together and i've been on her show i've met her a bunch of times like just an excellent woman and i always felt very grateful that she was on my side because i think she saw kind of what was going on and that it was a bit unfair but um what was i going to bring up oh i was on the season with all the child stars this was a show about politics by the way i had no business talking about it either it's not like i'm sitting here like you know i i was an art history major like they brought us in to hopefully be like pop culture making more fun this and that and then something shifted right before the season started because of trump and everything where all of a sudden we were talking politics and so you have candace cameron and raven simone god bless you know i mean like the mclaughlin group it wasn't i mean it's sort of genius in many ways now that i'm thinking about it like looking at it from the outside in it's kind of incredible and i had no business being there to begin with i'm glad i was but even if you know everything yeah about these issues i know even if you're well spoken it's naturally rooted directly to people's feelings always and so even if you did know everything what you just said they're bringing you in to make it light make it accessible you can't also be the genius like on every topic or any or in my case or any lids down ravens saying something you put on that black eyeshadow you look at the floor bitch and you shut your damn mouth i had a grim reaper hood on one episode i was like i don't want to be here that's what i screamed get me out of here it's fierce though my very last episode famously was the karaoke contest when because you know i love to sing trixie trixie you've never seen me live that's a problem for me it's a problem for me too your show right now what is it called well okay so i'm going on tour the show was called wait why don't i know you wait why don't i know you can i tell you we just had roz hernandez on here i love roz and i think the sister program of that title roz should be more famous wait how do i know you literally the same idea at least they know you yeah some a little how did you come up with that name because it paints such a picture i came up with that name because i went on the queer i tour uh moderating i remember this why were the boys what were we on together or wait we were on the fox lot or something and you look you got there when i was leaving oh no that was a hundred years ago that's when we first met the phone wait the fox lot you're talking about when you were in full drag when i ran into you in nbc oh that's what it was what was i filming oh that was like five oh we were no there's no way that was way before after midnight where are you right who are you right now okay that had to be ten years ago no this is like two years ago what this is when you first met mr wonderful in like a parking lot that tricks that was 10 years ago that's when we first were like oh we're fans mary that's different no no that was that like access that was that access you got fired that's when you got fired yes by the way wait i have to tell the story because like let's if i can't tell it here where can i tell it story i was hired to be on this like daily uh saying you're fired and then laughing no because what else is new what else is new um how many times every story starts with you getting fired everywhere i'm too smart and too funny i'm too big and i'm intimidating to people um no he had this show called like the daily pop or something you know one of these shows and uh i was hired to be on for five days i swear to god i don't think they were paying me that's the funniest part and then on day four i had one day left on day four there was they were like so rude about it they were like in the hallway they were like you can just pack your things up hit the road i was like oh my god i'm so rude about it i was like you guys have been great thank you and that's when i bumped into you with like all my shit being like we'd never met and i was just like i'm in full drag going to do some interview and you walk by and it was like a mirage where i go is that michelle collins yeah and you look at me and you're like is that trip i mean you can't miss that you know is that evil angoria but i was like oh my god i love you and you said i love you and then years later you go yeah i was fired that day that literally holding my shit i was like oh that's tricksy mattel one eyelid like chucky cheese fully broken hall of presidents i was like i think that's best day of my life meeting you i have your makeup on i have your makeup on from the view i'm like hey girl what's up i'm in a blonde wig i'm nude i'm like wait it's a dream but i'll say this e is no longer around and we sure are we sure are i was on tour with i don't remember the fox you were on tour with the queer the queer eye guys yeah that's why you were in america and you ran into me i had filmed like after midnight or something oh yes i remember yes and it was on a golf passing ships yes there's something getting out of the that was after you were texting me and you were like no way i'm in la where are you and it's like oh i'm on the lot you said me too and then it was like passing ships that and we had literally a hug and like ripped apart empire of the sun greatest spielberg film have you seen it of course no you've never seen i never heard of it empire of the sun no there's a scene ah forget the right forget the who gives a fuck about my tour listen to this christian bale's first film has any of you seen it this i can't be in a room full of ignorance you know what i said when i was on the view this is the but this is on youtube and people people on youtube have seen it so if you guys have seen it i've seen it by the way i don't think anyone has and the fact that i'm being so harsh about this it's very funny empire of the sun it's a steven spielberg film christian bale's first movie he was a little baby boy um very thin and he was basically it's about world war ii commenting on children's weight no because he always loses weight for his parts that's the only reason why i said that oh i was like he was so snatched he's nine i was like what the fuck girl it's funny i'm glad we i'm glad we cleared this sorry i didn't know that anyway anyway and but there's a scene where he gets separated from his parents because like war is breaking out and they have to leave where they are and he drops he's holding his mother's hand and he drops his toy plane but it's like in a in a total stampede and he bends down to pick it up he loses his mother's grip and never sees his parents again it's such a great movie oh because he dies what he falls and dies no no he lives and he ends up in an internment camp basically in like a prisoner of war camp oh japan i believe it's a great movie great after you get fired from your job go home and watch that real uplifting film i love that movie i love that movie i love that's what makes me feel i love that movie it really is just fantastic anyway never thought i'd bring that up today My, okay, so we saw, yes, during the Queer Eye thing, I went on tour with that fabulous cast and it was a ton of fun, but I was opening for them. I was moderating. So, you know, and they were selling out these big theaters and there were a lot of people who had never heard of me before. Shock of the year. I disagree. I would say that I thought the crossover there would be like, oh great, it's Michelle with these guys. With a lot of people, but then there were some who afterwards, cause you know, I'm funny. I would do my thing. It was good. And then after they would find me and they'd be like, wait, wait, why don't I know you? And I'd be like, well, I don't know why, you know, maybe you missed the clips. Eyeshadow confusing. I don't know what happened, but that's how that kind of came up. But I'll be honest, it wasn't a catchy title. So the new tour, cause I'm coming to like, I think 10 or 12 cities, something like that is just called Michelle Collins in big letters tour. It's just Michelle Collins in big letters tour, but it's pretty much the same show. It doesn't say in big letters. It does say it. That's even crazier. It does say it. My, I have the Halloween special coming and the special. Oh yes. Is your thing called in big letters? No, no, no, no, no. Oh. In the special, I'm in the special. I'm doing a telethon to raise money for my special Trixie Mattel's Halloween special colon the special. Okay. That's fine. It's like a dumb, bad name. I think it's different. It wasn't worth this detour. No, but neither was the under the Tuscan sun or whatever that movie was. Empire of the rising sun. Empire of the sun. Let me tell you, Trixie, thank God you know me because genuinely it is one of the, it's my favorite. It's my favorite Spielberg movie. You're acting like I just told your mother to F off. Like you're so defensive of this movie. I know because it bothers me. No one knows it. It is the best soundtrack, John Williams soundtrack. It is just really good. And the kids are skinny. And the kids are so fucking thin. It's one of the few movies that I can cry. If you just put up the last three minutes of it without seeing the, I can sob from the last three minutes. Oh. It's one of those. It's great. I have a hard time with, what did I watch recently that really wrecked me? Oh God. I watched Titanic for the first time, probably 20 years. Okay. I thought ever. And it was, no, I haven't seen it since I was like a kid. Yeah. It was so fucking sad. It's such a great movie. Honestly, it just, they don't do it like they used to. I thought it was close when it comes to like just big budget, you know, entertainment and like crazy sets and things like that. But God, Titanic was great. And watching it as an adult, knowing how it ends, obviously, I'm watching it a second time and all you remember is the death. But watching it a second time, like this is genuinely just a love story. It's, although, you know, I was not a Winslet girl back in the day. She's amazing in this movie. And she's so pretty. Yeah. Her American, I love Kate Winslet. Her American. That's not what you just said. What did I like her? Her American accent, I find very off-putting because it's very much like, well, I don't know about you guys, but as far as I'm concerned, like every word is so over enunciated that I'm stressed. I'm like, it's not, it doesn't flow naturally. It just feels like she's thinking about everything. She must have a headache thinking about how am I going to say this? I'm always amazed about actors who can do, to this day, if somebody has a really good American accent and then they're like going to press junket and they're like, oh, I just read the scripts and I love the film. I'm like, what the fuck? I know. I just watched like a Practical Magic 2 feature. I just watched a featurette with like those gals talking. And when I hear Nicole Kidman's real voice, I still like don't accept that she's. It's wild. Because her English is American English. Yeah, it's good. You know? I know. That's why you haven't seen Empire of the Sun. You're watching featurettes. Girl. Like this, you know, girl, you got to branch out. I'm excited for Practical Magic. I wanted to see the behind the scenes of building the house. You know, I've never seen the first one. It's great. This is where we're even. I know. But witchy stuff scares me. We don't support women. That goes without saying. And that's, and I pray that about you. Well, by the way, that goes without saying. What were we talking about? Can we talk about your hair? Because I said, ooh, it's nice and cropped. And you said. Oh, I did cut it myself. But the people who listen to my podcast, because your producer Tracy listens, so she knows. That I, my hair is probably once a week I bring up my hair. It's really annoying. But I do, I did trim it myself. It is a little too E.T. for me. It's like, if I turn from a certain, if like a shadow hits and you look at the ground, it's E.T. with the finger. Look at it. No, but look at it. From the side, from this side. It's E.T. And I don't know what I'm doing, but I don't trust anybody. I have a shit ton of hair. I have so much hair. What do you do when you have no hair and you see your silhouette and you don't like it? There's literally, well, you put on big wigs. You wear costumes. Girl, everybody has a hair transplant. I know. Mr. Wonderful is getting his hair done. Wait, really? Yes. Oh, yes. No kidding. Bob the Drag Queen has just got a hair done. What? Yes. That's going to look very strange. Like Bob is a famous bald. Girl, Monet just got it done. No. All the balds are jumping ship. I don't know, girl. No biter, girl. You got to be careful. Can I tell you what happened to me? Tell me. I had to fly once to Malta. Got to fly to Malta to go DJ a festival. And my flight got delayed or canceled. Oh, my car service never arrived. Oh, shit. And so then I didn't make the flight. So I had to fly instead through Turkey to get to Malta. And I'm in business. Yeah. Bald white man. Yeah. The flight attendants were coming. The flight attendants were coming by being like, big trip. That's really great. The flight attendants were like, everything's going to change. And I was like, thanks. Oh, and speaking of, the first class on Turkish Airlines has the middle row is three seats. What? So you're in first class and the middle. Yes. I don't do that. I don't do that. Which I thought was crazy. No, no, no. I had that happen to me. By the way, this was like, now I'm very lucky in that I upgraded myself pretty much. But this was before I even knew what business was. And I got upgraded on British Airways thinking, God, I'm so bougie. It's like 15 years ago. And it was one of those where. It was one of those where you literally have to step over legs to go pee. I'm like, this cost me $1,500 fucking dollars. Extra dollars. Extra. At that point, take six and a half, well, Buterin, Ativan, or whatever kind of you need to do. And go in the back. And just. I 100% agree. Mama fuck. Wait, I want to ask about the hair, though. When you stopped shaving the head, where is the baldness is my question? Because I've never seen you with any hair. I mean, it's, my hair still grows like here, probably. Oh, so you only have a little missing. Yeah, but it's thinner now. Oh, so you really could do it. But I've been shaving it since I was like 25. I have never seen it grown out in like 10 years. So I don't really know. You would look really funny with hair. I'm just like thinking, because you're so bald to me. Remember when we saw Oliver together? You want to tell everybody? Oh my God. So this, this, this fucking bitch. We're in London. Wait, I'm actually offended for real, because I should be having my feet kissed here with the camera on. So she goes, she goes, oh, let's go see a play. I say great. So we all go, we're in the West End. She goes, I gotta tell you guys, my favorite play I've seen, my favorite musical I've seen, you were like talking about like, oh girl, it was the, it was so good. It was so cunty. You said, girl, Oliver. Yeah. And I said, okay. And I, I do know Oliver. So I was like, sure, let's go see Oliver. Can I say one thing before you continue, which is that I was you when my friend Jono, and I hope he doesn't mind me bringing up, it's Graham's husband. Of course, yes. Jono, who has great taste, was like, I have two tickets to see it. And I was like, oh, Oliver, because famously hate orphans, which is why it's so shocking that I love Empire of the Sun, because it's orphan adjacent, although, spoiler, his parents live. Well, the kids came out on the stage. And you were like that, you know, all of them commenting on the kids. No, that's a terrible thing to say. See, that's going to get clipped now. So Raven shows up. I'm like, I can't win today. I literally can't win today. No, but I was also like, oh, I, you know, I'm not a kid person. So I was just like, I don't know the songs. I don't care about this. Within 20 minutes, my eyes were dinner plates, anime, tears streaming, wig off. I was like, these are the most talented, like genuinely being like, I'm 45. Like I have 10 minutes left to have a talented child. Like we got to get on this, you know, you're crying. E.T. be quiet. E.T. is crying. E.T. be quiet. I'm like holding my finger over my lips with the red. I'm like, shh. And I saw it. And so I was so excited that you were coming there. And by the way, let me also say you and your lovely partner saved my birthday. Oh, my God. It was my birthday. That's what happened. We went to, you took us to the Soho house. Which I no longer remember for those asking, but yeah. Everybody's asking. The comments are like, why is she not disclosing her status? The Soho house. $300, which was my monthly thing. That's 75 pairs of Nordstrom Rack sandals. I'm like, what am I doing here? I don't need to come here. Right. So yeah, go on. That's two cocktails in West Hollywood. Literally. I know. You know, I get the tickets because I'm like, sure, I'll get the tickets. And I, as people know, because I work with Seat Geek a lot, I like to know where on the plot the seats are going to be. I don't like to call and say, just give me some tickets because. Who does that? Does anyone do that? Well, I just go two tickets. Remember that time we went to the Ivy and they said, this is your table. And you said, no, can I have that over there? But that's all I do. Think about that. You let them choose a table and you go, no, we're sitting over there. Hold on a minute. Which I love. Let me say something. And I say this all the time on my show. You can serve me a bowl of slop a la Oliver. And I'm like, mm-mm, call the chef out. Best slop of the year. I need to have a nice table. Physically, I have to be comfortable. You're right. To be able, I'm paying to be here. Why would I pay to sit by the toilet? Was that the bread plate incident where they wouldn't bring the bread plate? It was the bread plate incident where, yes. You got us seats right in the front just from being bold enough. And you were so nice, but you were just like, can we sit here? We're always nice. Oh, yeah, we're always nice. No, and by the way, they fall in love. They're in love. They fall in love. I go, listen. And I make fun of myself. They say, why do I know you? They go, wait, why don't I know you? Are you the lady who always asks for a special table? I put my eyeshadow stickers on. I'm like, look familiar. My view is. Why do I know you? I was at E.T. Then we saw E.T. the musical. Hated it. Horrible. That actually sounds nice. I would love it. Produced by Drew Barrymore. Ugh. Is there anything she's not producing these days? Sick of her. No, I love her. So go back, Oliver. We go to Oliver, and I get the tickets, and as people know, I like to get as close to the front as I can. In musicals, I want to see the lace. I want to see dental work. I want to see pores. I want to cry. I want to feel it. And I know this now from this experience, that that's not always the best case. So we're in the third row. He goes, you told me before you go, I booked Ro-C. And she goes, oh. I said, okay, Ro-C O'Donnell. I just came with that. I'm going to actually leave the show. I went, all right, Ro-C O'Donnell. We sat on Ro-C aisle, because that's my one thing is I have to be in the aisle. We gave you the aisle. I agree. - The speaker, right here. mean yeah touching it was crowning from me it was like there it was right here the music great singing great music loud as fuck hold on a minute the stage fuck the speaker we i figured row three you know normal things there's like a space between row one and the stage the people in row one the stage went over their heads oh yeah the people were under the stage yes i could see pedicures i mean i could see people's like web toes i can't believe you brought that up after i brought up my disgusting feet i'm so pissed actually i can see pedicures because i always check everybody's oh my god i saw this clip of ricky martin and they said what do you like in a guy and he said i like feet yeah a lot of guys like feet but i thought that he could have been like great smile he went straight to like his kink and then he goes it's gotten to the point where i meet someone i'm like nice to meet you that's how they are ricky martin checking out your feet i i wouldn't mind that actually have you ever dated a foot fetishist girl no they're living live in levita loca well as a size 11 i want to let all your fans know size 13 game god should we hold them up with my stupid all right look at my stupid whoa but you know what for my height they're small you know for the big shoes when i was doing when i was doing drag and well when i was doing drag but back in the day doing drag i get all my shoes that pay less because they have the big sizes and the bogo and the bogo oh my god the dex flex they had women's up to 14 tell me about it and by the way uh when i go to nordstrom rack i always start in size 13 to make the big foots feel included because i'm like i don't want to be 11s or small at nordstrom rack you're like petite oh but listen i'm big it's like when when you meet a short person with a size 12 i feel for them i'm like that fucking that's a abnormality what if you were this tall with tiny feet we'd have to get you like love it we'd have to get you a walker or something no i would love it i love a nice shoe tiny feet not a little but like even a 10 would be a game changer if i was a european 41 well that would really have changed the game for me because for designer shoes too you can't really find anything but like a 42 a 42 is my size but it's like even then it's you know you hear the titanic breaking in half when i go to nordstrom rack i'm like oh my god i'm gonna show my shoe and it's like the metal breaking wears a 42 oh really yeah to know where does she buy her shoes does she designer like yes she weirdly has a lot of really nice shoes they look a little bit they all do it but you know what though with her outfits she needs something to yeah yeah you know affectionately goes to what she calls the albanian hoochie store and that's where she gets from outfits by the way this i have to say one thing about my shirt we'll go back to oliver which is that i bought this is fashion nova i would say my favorite child designers as a theme today but when um and by the way when i say that joke people like you it's horrible you're making fun of sweatshops i'm like no i'm bringing up the fact that like we are all part of that oh yeah and guess what there's a ball of h&m clothes in the ocean that's what i'm saying so like i'm actually highlighting that we're all hypocrites but i made this all right listen no but i got this in a large and extra large and the large was like really really tight and the excel was fitted but like really cute so i was like i'll pack the excel for the trip you already know the rest pack the large forgot the excel my meat it is ripping on me i can't breathe oh that's why you said it's hot that i'm boiling it's on me but does it look it's so small on me i feel like the arms are a little short i guess it's no the whole thing is tiny like the buttons it looks like a wetsuit i don't think it looks like a wetsuit but you're right i thought it was like bellman light that's why i thought i don't think it looks like a wetsuit it do look like really fucking tight on me okay so we go to oliver just lean forward i know i'm telling you ping ping it's like they're flying everyone's gonna be injured we go to see oliver in row three really close you have your head out in general fabulous production no it was one of the best fucking shows it was great my bald head is right there the the light is like the spotlight is hitting my head into the performer's eyes it's the moon et is riding his bike past it it's like people are losing their vision lasik lasik like i could burn an ant oh 100 like bouncing off my head and of course need i tell you guys every performer is like like you come out it's like the thx sound from the light it's like they're right here they're knee so it's just flying and they're all fags so they're like oliver oliver gag they like see me sitting there bald and then we went backstage afterward and then they came up to me on my birthday and i'm joking and they were like we love your friend um and i said of course and which of course and so we got to meet everyone backstage that was nice it was exciting that was a great show um i know it doesn't saying like saying like i really want to go see oliver on my adult birthday is kind of like funny but then it wasn't funny because it was good listen i have amazing taste and i just want people to know that like oliver was incredible thank you for uh genuinely a beautiful birthday i thought everything worked out the way it should have it was great do you remember two years prior go on i was doing queen of the universe and it was my birthday and me and you hung out yes with leland yes that was amazing i got kicked out of the ritz for having white for having white tennis shoes on i forgot about that yes we tried to sneak in the ritz that's right brand new white leather prada sneakers and they kicked me out like i was like i was in running shoes but they're real assholes there that is like do you want to rent shoes i'm not gonna rent shoes i'm not gonna rent shoes i'm not gonna rent shoes are we historical reenactors i need to have a musket to get in yeah the musket rule is crazy it's nuts yeah i forget where we went oh we went to the soho house and then we went to i don't know maybe a gay bar or something you were in soho it was fun but i didn't even know you knew leland and so leland was like do you know michelle's like yes i do leland and i famous story were neighbors in west hollywood when i lived here we did not know that until the day that i moved out shut up yes and i was standing and we had met obviously before this was in 2015 so this was like a long time ago and i was like oh my god i'm gonna rent shoes i'm gonna rent shoes i'm gonna rent shoes and i was standing on the street holding a lamp and a ziploc bag full of batteries and change and he or he was in my house or something he was like hi and i was like oh my god hi and we realized our windows literally faced each other like in the little alley and i was like do you want some batteries and change and he was like yeah so he came over took the batteries took the change and then we realized that um we heard to me one of the most formative la moments of mine which is where uh one time i was in my apartment working and this guy like clearly a very gay carry in a shower but like loud and i and terribly and i was just like listening like man this guy's having the time of his life and another neighbor don't know who went shut the fuck up like so loud and it just stopped and it was one of the i can't explain it's not funny but it was funny at the time and i howled and i laughed and i said to leland do you remember when the guy shut up the mariah singer it may have been him oh my god now that i think about it my friend my old manager diana i used to like when i was at her house and i would like use the bathroom i would be like in the bathroom peeing and she lived so close to hamburger mary's that i would hear like jazz and reading bingo balls out the window and be like what was that it's her 50th birthday i just saw jazz and masters no kidding jazz and masters 10 years ago eight years ago when she turned 41 i think nine years ago she put out a fucking flyer that she made herself that was so awesome and it was a picture of her with an olive garden logo and she just said it's my birthday any fans who love me just meet me at the olive garden let's all have dinner and she just met up with a bunch of fans that's awesome she got in drag and went to olive garden all these fans showed up at a fire and posted on facebook jasmine didn't know until she got there and then the olive garden was like oh are you jasmine because the whole restaurant is was filled let's go overrun with people wait that's actually real that's kind of annoying though if you didn't know to meet your it's like a surprise party with strangers i'd be like do i have no friends at all well taking yourself to the olive garden and drag is already crazy even if you're just fun i mean it's kind of fun let me put on my patty labelle wig and go get some bottomless breadsticks or whatever you ever get those videos on instagram where people are like i'm gonna go to the olive garden and see how many unlimited bowls of pasta they'll serve me you ever get these that's disgusting yeah it's so it really upsets me i hate waste even though i'm wearing this top i don't like waste i know well you're not exactly living out of a suitcase where do you live right now literally living out of a suitcase so i'm why do you have a car do you live in the car it's a rental oh god yeah my hands are small i know you are like jewel i am a little bit of jewel you are like jewel no i'm uh it's really bleak tricks i'm staying with my parents for the rest of my life and i'm like a week let's say every couple months i go back there i have a big storage unit in miami with all my clothes so i go it's really organized i'm proud of myself so i go in i do like a clothing do laundry everything and then i'll go to new york for a month i have to go to london for work next month you should come i watched a youtube video on people who live in storage units i don't live in my unit i go in and i swap the kind of semantics though yeah and then i go home my mother um breaks me down into a full shell of myself and then i rebuild for the following few weeks it's kind every month i do want to find a place the thing is this i'm stuck right i don't want to go back to new york i always say this like if someone here in la or new york hired me like if i had a job that because i work for myself obviously i'd be back in a minute but like where i have no where to be i really don't want to go back to new york it is way too expensive it is just super expensive it's crazy and i'm not one you know me a long time i don't look at prices i'm not nitpicking about but you're at the nordstrom rack because you said that it's cheaper i know but when it comes you're in fashion nova girl you need to pick a lane am i allowed to i'm the guest am i allowed to say that i'm the guest i'm the guest you're being bombarded i'm sorry i feel it i'm sorry anyway what i'm saying is that like when it comes to restaurants you know i'm like oh great chicken for 48 who cares like i don't look quality quantity but when it's like you're getting taken as a fool then i don't like it then i'm like hold on yes that's how i feel when i go somewhere where like the cocktails are reasonably priced i'm like well guess we're blacking out tonight because i'm i'm at the point in los angeles where as much as i want to support gay bars i'm like 38 bucks for that white claw huh it's crazy i went to buy mango at gelson's how much do you think uh you know the plastic like the tall plastic like the dried mango no like wet oh fruit mango i've never i've never bought that i'm only eating the dried mango you've never eaten fresh mango no in your life in my life this is very upsetting to me am i crazy but i i love the dried mango why haven't you tried but the dried is like a literal dead version of the it's like literally eating like from a casket mango like you can eat fresh lively mango i love and i love the what are - What are they called? Outshine bars? The mango ones? I love mango. had a real mango can i say something i've known you a long time but then i hear things like because we're not like you know we don't talk all the time and then i find out things like this about you and i'm so confused i'm country mary do you i know that but that's you think we had mango in wisconsin but you you had dried mango no i found out about that later wait can we like literally before i leave get trixie some fresh mango can an intern run i'll pay for it like can someone here's 78 go by it was 18 because the thing is people are going to say just cut it yourself what does it look like is like a peach wait a minute is mango the one that's like half red half yellow yes and green okay i know what it looks like a big oval are you going to buy mango i am this for me i actually this is better than empire of the sun i am so excited i like mango flavor i've just never had a real raw nectarines and peaches have you had those fruits i've had peaches like delicious juicy so i'm not now so now it kind of feels like you're saying you've never you said you know what water is have you ever seen a diet coke like you say that but to me that is what you're saying i just never had like for example growing up almost all my food was from the school cafeteria or my mom cooked it so i just didn't have access how old are you now i'm 37 how many homes do you own you own a whole hotel that's what i'm saying i don't have a house hold on i don't have a house right you're in your car playing guitar eating mango she's in her car wearing her fashion nova i've got this mango and i've this is me in my car eating the mango girl that is me this is literally me honestly what is this is this from um what's that movie dune no i bought it that's timothy chalamet that's timothy chalamet that's him this feels really nice yeah it's been a minute for me i'm like wow yeah your fans yeah have been following you i mean five episodes a week for years when you meet your fans they must have like a very developed relationship with you yeah you could say that's and i used to say like parents launch or whatever but i'm at the point where i'm like if people watch me or kati or you and we do spend all this time together and talk about ourselves we do know each other at least in a one-way way yes and so i used to feel like oh it's kind of crazy to meet a fan because you don't know them but lately i've kind of turned a page i'm like but they know me and i know and that is real 100 real it's real well you're listen with a show like mine so my show is the michelle collins show it's available everywhere but also on patreon four episodes your pod is the michelle collins show in small letters in small small letters it could not be any tinier but it's more just like it's what bothers me is like it's a drain because it's like people go oh your job is easy and i'm going listen first of all i have to i do it all myself five a week is not easy even if you weren't editing it five a week of talking from about your life thank you it's not easy no thanks for saying that and it's not even because you have to get the content and then you got to get this and i have to watch the shows on bravo and do this and do this i'm shooting things i come on other people's shows like all these other things are happening but when people don't see that i think they're like well where is you know they get a little bit like you know because i'm on patreon especially i'm very lucky to have this as my job because i actually love doing it obviously and i love my listeners are incredible and like you're great at it but they're also really cool like everyone who listens i mean i'm i'm really blessed i will say that but it is work and it's like sometimes you know if i'm sick or whatever and then you have all these people going like where's the show where's the show where's the show it's like you have like thousands of bosses and you're like but i'm sick in bed i can't you know you don't want to disappoint people and i'm a people pleaser and it's like all these things so it can be a little draining but i also hate complaining about it because like look how fucking lucky we are can i ask you know complaining about it makes me look shitty and that's why i also am like sensitive about even you know what's coming off as negative you'll never hear me complain about this part of it yeah of course this part of it is a blessing and i'll tell you this even if i didn't know you and weren't friends yeah you were born to talk oh thanks tricks you're the best they're coming for me means the world you do comedy you're the best but i'm just saying even you telling a story you're so engaging thanks that's nice you know how to make banal shit be like isn't that funny this interesting notice about this and you know how to know like oh that's a cool thing let's snatch it out of the sky and talk about it right now okay there's such a good balance of like relatability but i think when people listen to you they're like in ways they would love to be like you because you're like chic but not but still very like grounded well i'm not wealthy so that helps you know what i mean but i also that is a nice rental it is nice well you know why i love rentals well let me tell the best rental place i'm going to give them a plug here on the show they better give me fucking free rentals for life for this by the way because i am paying for that midway rentals at lax have you ever used them i always get enterprise just because they have the app midway i did wait in line but i want you to know something they have the best cars it's easy breezy and i just really like using them and it's one i know they're really nice to people who work there i literally drive mr wonderful's although with the kentucky plates i don't even have a car i drive his car well i have a camry with racing cars oh my god the mangoes here i have to tell you something wow look how many oh my god this is incredible this is can i say something this is one of the highlights it's shaped exactly like your head bring that mango over here that is literally your head this episode is sponsored by mango and midway rentals wow wait so let me feel how well you actually picked a nice one in a day this is going to be really nice not today this is where i'm at i get high and eat this i'm gonna say something nature's candy these are now i'll be fair these are and you picked a nice one because i was gonna say make sure they're ripe because you know she'll say i know well let me rip this up she's like which trader joe's did you go to someone wait was it the traders on um sunset on santa monica i thought they closed that one wasn't there one he's such a crush on the guy who worked at that one and then he moved to the sunset one and i followed in there and he was like can i help you i was like no have you seen these have you seen these tiktoks that are like what it's like to shop at trader joe's and it's just people slamming into everywhere no one knows how to walk katya also said katya also said trader joe's ironically is out of food like trader joe's doesn't have enough food they have like one version of everything and it's half gone i actually can i be honest i can't go into trader joe's it's a free-for-all it's super dumb i'm like i'm sorry i need to go in and relax like i can't go in here and have a i go to gelson marathon blanket on and like hope that i make it past the line to like pay for this shit and then chat with someone i can't do it i live right by that it's just so fucking expensive i know but i live right by that gelson and when i tell people i go to gelson's they treat me like air one and i'm like you guys you know what you're wrong because my point earlier was that the mango at gelson's the big plastic container was 18 in london this would be four or five max four or five bucks and it's better it's really good produce we're getting forks sorry um thank you what a great what a great team you have i can't imagine working with any other people it's just me getting whatever you say they get i wish i had a million dollars real forks oh my goodness girl we're not in a car anymore honey say mine's dirty okay wait can i give you one you try this one i'm going to take the best chunk i have to say something this better be good i almost wanted to be like are you a plant from big mango clearly i can barely fit oh it is good i think it's better dried is that crazy that is good though i see it take that one oh i'm both going for the same every time i grab one you take it wait you know i do like it it's good i'll be honest it could be a little sweeter uh if you really want to see god try thai mango thai mango right it is it's ecstasy i'm sorry and by the way a ripe nectarine from costco one time you know my nectarine story from costco there's skin on this one um one time pissed off the fork's dirty there's skin on this one it's not as sweet as it should be which trader joe's did you go to no it's by the way really it's it's really good though come on it's good oh it's great one no no i only know about this from drag race wait why on season one of drag race they had to do an like a absolute challenge where they had to make outfits using fruit oh it's fun and this girl chanel goes i miss absolute mandarin and then she goes or something like that and the audience and the judges are like have you judged drag race you know they never had me on that show you would be great for when i'm upset i know you'd be great for when they because they actually did a drag view challenge did you know this i'm sure sunny hostin had a great time i don't know who they brought in but um yeah yeah no they never had me on that show and i love you know i love drag race so yeah you'd be great for coaching them to do like a pod segment or like a singing singing my passion um yeah living cars living cars orphans a great orphan no you would be good for helping them find their like voice because i think a lot of the drag queens think about if they've only lip synced a lot of them they've never really used their own personality told a story and drag race is the first time a lot of them are like you know they're like here's a microphone say something that's interesting first time i talked on microphone the drag queen who was hosting the show i was doing drag for years before i ever even talked on microphone i was just lip syncing because i'm so beautiful and everybody wanted to see me sure um and no laughs here i'm like go on you said go on you're not gonna trick me today after this you said finally someone with enough black eyeshadow on so i remember this drag queen was spray adhesive stuff on her body and she was naked as a trans girl with boobs and stuff and she was like oh my god the fabric's not sticking you need to stall and i walked out there and was but i i don't remember what i said but it worked and she was like you're so funny you should talk on microphones and i was like well not look at us now i'm not the host of anything so you know back in that day in drag you had to wait for people to die you had to wait what all the older drag queens had like the the cast positions and you as like a 25 year old just have to wait for someone it's like the new york philharmonic you know that's why i quit violin tricksy because i played violin for years and years and my parents always said you can be in the philharmonic and then i read this article in high school that like they only quit when they die because they're not like people would get hired by the Philharmonic and then play till 90 and there were no jobs and I literally never picked the violin up again. That article ended my career as a musician. Ruined you. When's the last time you played violin? Five years ago. I have to find one. You should put it in your show. Violin? What am I, Henny Youngman? I'm not putting violin on my show. You think I should? I'm dead serious. Your face. Never looked at me like that. Imagine you playing Girls Just Wanna Have Fun on the Violin or something, like a pop song. People love it. People would. I'd see the light coming in from the doors opening from people leaving just in the back. No, you wouldn't. They're not in there. That would be so dorky. They're not in there to begin with. I'm like, alright, you guys ready for some Schindler's Loose? And I just bust out the violin. Anyone love Schindies? Let's hit it. It's just me. Hit it. I just did a gig with the Philly Orchestra and there were people in that, four people in that orchestra had been in it for 50 years. That's what I'm saying. I'm not saying retire, bitch. I thought that was impressive. It's like, no, it's like Mitch McConnell with the clarinet. They're like wheeling them out. I mean, God bless, but like. But I think at that point, too, that means somebody has 40 plus years of professional symphony experience. I know. They're probably amazing players. No, they're great. Amazing. But anyway, I wanted to make a point. It wasn't about mango. Nectarines? Oh, you had a story about nectarines. Costco. I did, but now maybe the moment has passed. Do you like Costco? I love Costco. Mr. Wonderful has a Costco membership, so he's taken me a couple times. Did you know that they have optical care? Yeah, that's where I get my optical care. Did I know? Yeah. They have he said he said it gives gets you discount on plane tickets. We have a discount on our on our trip, not double A, triple A. They have everything there. I need to become a member. Does he have the black card or the right? I have the regular one, and it's a mistake because I think for 10 more bucks, you get rewards. Is it the one with your face on it? Well, they all have your face on it. Oh, they do. I don't know. I'm just a friend of like if they're the housewives, the Costco memberships. I'm a friend of it is Costco is one of the few places in this country that reminds me of being in like a big square in Prague. You know, like when you're in Europe and you're like, I just want to walk around like a what do they call them? Community spaces or what's the word? Third space, I think. Yeah, right. That's for me. It's a third space. You walk around, you see the locals, you see what people like to buy. Then you have professionals coming in for the restaurant stuff with the pallets. Yeah, but I just everyone who works there is so nice. They are nice. So great. Yeah, I've only been twice in my life. Would you come with me while I'm here? Would I come with you? I think there's one in Marina del Rey. There is, and they have a gas station of that one. Girl, the camera is thirsty. We're going to the Costco. We should see if they'll let us film in there. You know that I have actually filmed in the one in Mexico because I went, there was one, I went to my friend's wedding in Monterey and I didn't know they had Costco down there and I took a whole day. Everybody was like touring mountains. I was like, see y'all later. Went to Costco. That's the best time. They have all the same shit. I went to the one in Sweden. That's where I went in Malmo, Sweden. They have a Costco and I thought, oh my God, they're going to sell like big, you know, sobs and shit. Sweden's amazing. Beautiful. Same exact Costco like in Aventura, Florida. The same shit there. The same food and everything? The same everything. Maybe like one crack or different. And I was like, what? You can watch the video on my Instagram. Mish call, by the way. Yes. Trixie, you're going to come on my show. I have to. They asked me to do it next week. I said I would. I have to tell you that, remember when we were in London and we went to feed the birds? Did we talk about this? Yeah. Oh no, we didn't talk about it here. Okay. We were in London and we were just like becoming friends and I was like, well, I'm crazy about parrots. There's wild Indian ring-necked parakeets in Hyde Park. Do you want to go see them? And you said, sure. So we went and we bought, I don't know, we went and found them. And then remember, it's like a guy with peanuts and apples. He had a bag of apples and he was just like, go for it. He told the apple and the birds to fly out and eat the food out of your hand. It was so cool. But remember them biting the shit out of people? They didn't bite us. No, but they bit someone next to us. Did they? Some guy, they bit him next to us. He goes, ah, and you turn and you go, you got him. You got him. I was, I don't think they landed on me maybe once. They didn't like you, remember? They wouldn't land on you. That's shocking because animals, you know, dogs will see me coming literally from blocks away and lock with me and like wag their tail like animals tend to respond well to me. That's how I am with teenage lesbians. I could see that for you. They cannot wait to see me. Imagine how confused I am that all these lesbians are like, the way I would fuck you. Did they say that to you? They all want it. That's so funny. I just DJ'd, uh, where was I? I just DJ'd Boise Pride. Hugely booked. And, um, the Instagram stories, these teenage girls posted and it says, I shaved my whole body just in case. That's like really strange. Why do you think that is? This 40 year old man's gonna crawl down from the stage and fuck the 19 year old girl. Like, I don't think so. That's really funny. That's funny. I mean, it's flattering, right? I think it's because of the drag. Okay. Oh, I see. They want to fuck Trixie. They're not, they don't want to fuck me. Okay, because there's like a Chapel Roan thing going on there a little bit. I could see that. Yeah, they want to fuck Trixie, but they know this is me. So I don't know why they want to fuck me. Well, that's flattering. Because this is me. Whoa, whoa. Well, I had a gay guy recently tell me, you know, I'm not attracted to women, but you're one of the few women I'm attracted to. He goes, no offense. And at first I was like, I hate that. Wait, why? No offense makes it seem like. He went, no offense. And at first I was like, why would that offend me? That's so nice. And then later in the day I was like, oh, I could see why. Because is he saying that you're masculine? Well, that's what I, that's why I think he said no offense. Because he was like, no offense. Don't take this the wrong way. By the way, he'll hear this. Hi. We're dear friends. I love him. But I was just like, oh, why would I take offense? That's like, you know, saying you're, it's a nice thing to say to me. And then later I was like, oh, I could see why he would think that maybe I would take that the wrong way. But I didn't. I've never been with a woman. I'm not saying it would never happen. Yeah. Because I go for this. I'm a little woke. So I guess I'm like, I don't know if some girl's going to come along someday and blow me away. Can you imagine? I don't think at this point. I would love that for you. Oh my God. Trixie, she married a lesbian in Boise. She's really happy. She's a mango farm. Oh my God. That would be heaven. You know, I would get alpacas or something weird. By the way, you know, I talk to people about just going, opening a donkey farm with alpacas and just having the best time of your life. Oh, nothing wrong with that. If I quit entertainment, it would be neck cracking. I wouldn't even have a cell phone. I would be, I would have a loom. Oh my God. You with a loom? I'd be, I'd have a loom. Fruit and a loom. I'd have a loom, a lute, some bifocals, a gender affirming fanny pack. Kite, string, castaway. Yeah. Oh, I love that movie. Tom Hanks castaway. By the way, talk about a movie I could talk about all day. I need to, I cry when Wilson gets lost. Well, if you don't cry, it's really a cry for help. I mean, genuinely. Also when he's doing his dental work with the ice skate. What about when he's weaving his own noose with his toes? And the people who want to do Survivor are like, that's me, bitch. I love Survivor. Would you do it? Why do people want to do that? Not in a hard, would I do Survivor? I can't even fit into my, I'm so uncomfortable in my little cardigan. I'm like, I gotta get out of this cardigan. I thought you were living in the car to train for Survivor. Because at least they have free rice. No, and by the way, not even anymore. They've gotten so stingy with the rice on Survivor. It's a really big point of contention in my family because they used to shoot it for 39 days and then give them rice. And that was the one thing they could eat. They could get coconuts and like kill fish or whatever. Now they do it, I think it's 26 days is the season, right? And because it's so short they're like, well, we're actually going to starve the fuck out of them because it's only, what, three and a half weeks? So they, I mean, you watch the Trace? They give them nothing to eat and they are, you have to earn the rice. They take your rice away. Just the rice. We should do Traders. What? They've clearly come to you. Together. Oh, they have, but we should do it together. Well, you need to tell them to hire me because they're not going to do it without you telling them that. Well, what if they call me and I say, not without my daughter? I show up fully bald. I'm like, I'm ready. What if the first thing you do is have me killed first night? I would love it. You know, I did a Traders um, they have a, oh my God, we should do this next time we're in London. They have a Traders like, what do you call it? Almost like an escape room. Oh, like an experience. Yes. Uh, in London that I did with my friend Lauren and we got, oh my God, this is such a funny story. So we get there and they separate you into all your little um, groups because there's probably like 10 rooms and they all look exactly like the room that you vote the people out on. Okay. Anyway, we get there and like all the other groups are like so cool. Like everyone is like just like kind of all and like cool and we're like, wow. And then we get to our table. Everyone had a mobility device. Everybody was like English, one long tooth. They were like, uh, you know, where are you from? We were like, oh, we're from America. Where are you from? Oh, I'm from Leeds. Oh, I'm from, you know, Manchester. They were all from these little parts. Yeah. It's not little parts, but you know what I mean. We get in the room. I was brutal. I took no prisoners. I was voting people with hearing aids out. I was like, he did it. That's who killed them. And by the way, I wasn't a traitor because I would be a terrible traitor, but I'm a great faithful. But the traitors loved me because I was doing their dirty work. I was voting out every faithful. At one point, because you basically have to cover your eyes as the traitors silently discuss who they're going to murder. So if you listen very closely, you can kind of hear the rustling Russell Crowe as they like take their headphones off or whatever. And so I heard like a rustling. You can hear the lip smacking. Literally, you can hear the just like sleeves touching or whatever. They're pointing at you. Fuck. Always. That tall bitch is out of here. She looks like E.T. Get the fuck out. But at one point, I heard like a rustling from here. So when I ripped my thing off, I blindfolded. I said, I heard rustling coming from this corner. And this woman went, Oh, I'm sorry, love. I've actually got Tourette's syndrome. I swore on my life. And I went, they all say that. They all say that. And we voted her out. Faithful. I was the last person to get murdered. And then I did turn on my friend. I'm so sorry to my friend Lauren Greenberg. Shout out to Lauren. I was like, because she's very quiet, Lauren. And I was like, that's classic. They're going to pick someone who doesn't talk a lot. Have me be the blabbermouth, whatever. And she won. And she was a faithful. And I tried to get her killed. So don't trust me. How long is this? A game. An hour and a half. With strangers? So fun. Honestly, I would do it again in a heartbeat. Would you do a pedal tavern? No. You heard me. You heard me. By the way, my wig slid straight out. I was like. The way you knew what I said, but your brain like choked it out and went no. No, I would never. I would never either. Are you kidding me? They're all over Milwaukee and I'm always like, no. Who would even do that? I like biking. I'm not. It doesn't look ergonomic. No. They're kind of like. You got to really go wide need. Yeah. Wide knee spears. And then also you got to. You don't know where you're going because half of them are facing the wrong way. wrong way so you're just trusting the person steering and then getting drunk i also don't like drinking like that booze is not gonna make me more athletic i'm gonna get lazier but that's the point is like it's like i know i agree it's so dumb i but i also don't like biking i lived in amsterdam i never got a bike what about axe throwing remember like remember like straight people love are you kidding me it's fine alone they should bring axe throwing to to gay bars because we kill each other of course and then the comophobes are like well great you know what i mean they're doing that we're doing their dirty work yeah you know some drag queen is doing her number and some fag who's cross-eyed drunk just axes are in the back of the head it's a great horror film we just all go home that's such a funny idea did you guys hear 33 taps is a crime scene now because an axe was thrown at you know do you do pickleball there's just certain things i don't do any of that i don't do any of that i'd like to ride my bike i ride my bike to set a two-mile ride to my condo that's it i'm just afraid of cars like i'm i really oh people in la think that i have a death wish yeah it's really scary the roads here have bike lanes yeah but cars don't know that people are can i tell you who respects me i was biking between two waymos the other day they kept way more respect for a biker than human drivers ever do human drivers are this close to me the the motorized automatic cars whatever because you know in driver's ed you're supposed to have a full air cushion between you and other vehicles i've never been in a waymo won't do that won't get on a bike won't axe throw you don't also have never seen what la has all of those little robots running around with the food and you've never seen that but i've never seen it open oh i have and why aren't some of these people on hollywood boulevard you know not cracking them open like clamshells and stealing the food i don't think you can it's hard to open them but i always see like terrence is on a delivery you know it says their name or whatever i think human names cute they are cute but i never see it stop someone walk up and like retrieve the food because it goes to doors like it's going to people's homes so it's stopping it for you it's just like not going a guy in a corner being like i thought you like go down to the street where it's sitting and like open i think it comes to your door i could be wrong was a fly yeah no you just come down and grab it i want to see it open one day it's really fun it looks fun i like those little guys i know that it's not nice it takes jobs away but yeah i have to put this on my head it's like fruit beef jerky i know you know we have all female guests and we try to make them wear bald caps but is that what it is did you see when pitbull did that i was in london the night that that happened and i was like why are all these freaks in bald caps and they look terrible all these people have like what why i've always wanted to sell bald caps as like trixie merch no every pitbull has a bald cap and they're like why are we should have bald in the beautiful bald caps they had the largest number of bald caps at hyde park for this pitbull concert by the way i saw pitbull live in the netherlands best concert i've seen in a minute oh my god iggy azalea used to tour with him and she said he was really fun to tour with wait who did iggy oh my god pitbull is let me say this as a miami girl born and raised in miami he's really representing our city in a beautiful way i did not expect you to say that i mean he's a hit maker for sure but people always comment mr worldwide or whatever on my stuff because i'm bald by the way best compliment yeah and i find him handsome he's really handsome he was wearing a velvet jacket it was 7 000 degrees in there he did not miss a beat he's awesome i love london what are you going in the netherlands i'm going next month you want to come what are you going for for bbc work that's fierce girl thanks i know just for a day doing some they love you in the uk three people do yeah i love it i would move there tomorrow you know that if anyone has any if anyone in england who's listening to this wants to marry me for the visa can i put that out there that of course you can put that i would like that to happen have you it looks like a close you look like a french girl do i wait let me see i need my phone okay so we're gonna pull a question out of this ball cap okay i know i'm gonna hate how i look in this well it's important that we all saw you said you hate the et hair it's gone now you don't look like et you're so hard on yourself i'm joking you know that's what that's what i won't say other names but it's like as a comedian when you make a joke and then someone goes you're too hard on yourself that is the worst thing you can do to someone because it's like i think you're so glamorous and gorgeous i'm not i didn't say i wasn't but it's like when you make a joke about et which is ridiculous you're like honey you're beautiful you don't look like et i'm like i know i was kidding no but sometimes i feel like we're in that remember that sketch that's like um oh my god i look was it from the amy schumer show where it's like a big sloppy pig dick that's one of vanessa bear yes one of the funniest sketches ever yes one of the funniest people of all fucking time oh my god okay i'm asking you this you're asking yourself this and you're answering it oh this is fun and the ball cap kind of makes it whimsical i know i'm gonna watch this back and never speak to you all right would it be so bad to be bald what you just i you know i love bald men love that's real though and by the way not like shaved head i mean like bad bald i always call it cbs is the good but i have an air pocket here i'm leaving it here we go no feel all right not you pushing on it and it makes a fart sound the opening act on your board just bombed on stage what's the first thing you tell the crowd tricksy get off the stage wasn't that bad what's the first thing you tell the crowd i always say no refunds i mean that's like my joke i'm like hey no refunds i will not give you your fucking money back so you walk out and do you go weren't they incredible they're just so give it up give it up put your hands together no the worst is when something that happens and someone goes you know it's not easy to get up here anything like that is so bad well that's what you just did to me when you're like you're beautiful you're beautiful it's so condescending it's like oh my god i think you look better i think you look more beautiful now than you ever have with this one your skin even are you doing special things nothing botox and i will admit on your show that i got a little bit of sculptra last time i went to yeah you look so thank you 45 killing it i mean i feel it but you know lately i see video and i'm like i'm seeing it but it's all good you know listen you look incredible thanks i'm lucky to have you as a friend and be lucky to have you as a guest tricksy that's one of the nicest things you've ever done ever said to me you know i love you the most and let me just say that whenever i can celebrate you and spend time with you and laugh with you i really adore you i adore you and i truly love you i'm really sad that mr wonderful's not here because i know you guys are close i have to say something about him one of the sweetest baby angels the perfect man ever met in my life someone i fell in love with the first i remember when the first time we met and i was like i'm in love he's amazing i talked about it today i had therapy today and i talked about it and i didn't know what else to talk about my session i just was like sometimes i wake up and i cannot believe this person oh yeah i'm in love with him i'm in love with him i'm in love with him i'm in love with him yeah i know sorry it's hot i'm sorry no it's more i want to i want to focus on this sometimes i wake up and i can't believe that i found this person this person is so beautiful and so nice yeah i mean it happened to us all but let me also say see that's why therapy is tough for me because then when i have nothing to talk about i'm like cancel me i only want to pay money that's what i'm saying i only want to pay money when it's like i let me cry like i need a safe space to cry here's 300 bucks no if i go in there and i don't know what to talk about because i'm having a good day i'm like who's from out of town you know like i'm like i'm your opener yeah you're going to open for my therapy session i'm doing it i'm doing a type 5 open mic at you over the door i'm sobbing i'm rocking myself i'm like we cracked it today love it or leave it tonight michelle won't do therapy but she showed up and cried i just wept in a bald cap i love it no i truly drag and by the way when they asked me to do the show i was like this is the honor of my life doing your show everybody's been so nice about doing it thank you are you kidding by the way it's like the one show that anyone i would say this in like lost culture like the two pods where a power over people that is just it's you can't put it into words oh my god and our people love guests so you're probably gonna have a bunch of new people in your pods next i hope i hope i was funny enough i feel like i was kind of just like chilling with you a little bit that's okay all right you know what i mean they like it i wasn't like hamming it up for you no i mean you kept all your clothes on but oh god but should i open this i mean i'm gonna tell you when i open this it's gonna open whether you want it to or not it is the i'm just oh my god the freedom i should just sound like this the whole time what an idiot i am was this just like ripping on me the whole show it did not look tight at all the temperature i surface of the sun the heat that's coming out of this sitting here sometimes we film at netflix and the heat that comes from her crotch really she'll take my hand and put it there and i swear to god it's like lava that's great wow lava it's nice in winter time yeah you know what i mean when you're cold just put your hand in there for two seconds you're like damn it's fucking toasty and cut open that camel thing and climb inside or the rem the revenant yes remember that the bear yes okay bye you you