Michael Cruz Kayne Loves Basketball

- Wave. - I'd be happy for him to find some kind of a sports job. - I bet you would. - You want him to watch a sports? - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, you're right. Get a job at Sports Center. See if they'll give old dad a tour. (laughing) - I bet I bet you get to take someone around the office every once in a while. Maybe you bring in old dad. (laughing) - Hey, hey, I'll get give punches. (laughing) (upbeat music) - Okay. What's going on? - I guess having. - Yes, we just learned off camera. And maybe people will see it in this episode. I think it's kind of starting to go right now. - Oh, where's my camera? This one's Zoom. - I have developed an i-twitch. - Yeah. - What, and you have one too? - I have three weeks of i-twitching. - What is going on? - I don't know. It could, here are the things that it could be. People say. - People are loving to tell me what it is. - Everyone's an expert in i-twitch. - Yeah. - All everyone has a PhD and-- - Well, what I love is you tell someone like, oh my eye's been twitching lately and they go, you know what it is. (laughing) Like, they love to tell you, like-- - 100% they know. - Like, their dad's like an i-twitch specialist. - Absolutely. - And they're like in the family business. - A killer musculature is their absolute specialty. - They love to go, "What have you had water?" Like, they look to pitch water like you've never heard of that. - And can I say something? No one alive drinks more water than I do. - I'm saying. - I'm guzzling. - I'm putting water away. - I'm guzzling. Yeah, I'm absolutely pounding water. I don't drink alcohol. - Yeah. - I like water. - I have a, I have a water. - I have a diet coke at worst. - So there's no way that it's the lack of water. - Yeah. - Could it be lack of sleep? - Absolutely. - I don't sleep. - I got like 10 hours last night though. - You did? 10 hours last night. - Is that a very rare occasion? - Yes. I'm trying to do better now because of the i-twitch. (laughing) - Yeah, 'cause I'm three weeks into the twitch and I'm like, I'm ready for it to stop. - It's really annoying. - Yeah. - I'm feeling like, I almost said suicidal and that felt not true. (laughing) - That felt not true. - It would be a rough loss to have to explain that to people. To be like, why did he do it? I twist sometimes as i-twitch. - I twitch can be really affecting though. People don't realize that. - I think any chronic situation, like you don't really realize how bad it is until it's like, oh, now this has been happening for a month. - Yeah. - Anything for a month is bad. - You know what I mean? - You got a little scratch here. It's not a big deal. You're still scratching a month later. You're thinking about, you're thinking about ending it. - Ending it. - You're like, what if this is my new normal? What if my eye never knot twitches again? - Your brain is bouncing. You spiral out into an awful fantasy life where your eye is twitching at your grandson's wrist or something. Why did I say that? - Yeah. No, it really, every time anything happens to me, like if I get a sore throat, I go, the thing that stresses me out is not that it's happening now. I go, this is forever. - First 100%. - I go, oh, this will never be, I'll never be well yet. - But you're young. - You're young. - Oh, sure. - So you have, you're gonna go through things that will change. Well, you'll have little blips, but you'll be better. It's all, everything's happening to me. My bones are decomposing. (laughing) Every single injury I have is a permanent, like both my ankles, my knees, I play hoops, I hoop it up. - Yeah. - You playing B ball at all? - No, my knees and ankles are good right now. - I'm constantly in pain. - Yeah, what, how old are you? - I am 47. - You're 47? - Can you believe it? - I did not know you're 47. - And I look like this. - Are you crazy? - Are you crazy? - Oh my gosh, you look surprised. - Yeah. - Well, we can't since it's a podcast overnight. - Oh my gosh. - Shut it down. - That was so much fun talking to you, dude. This was a great episode. - We actually should put out like a five minute episode one week, I think that'd be really funny. - Just it's five minutes of interview and then it's all the ads. Just back to back to back. - My eyes twitching now. - That's most people, is it? - It's not. - I don't see it. - Yeah, mine comes and goes. I'm scared of the eye twitch. I fear every bad thing that happens to me, any small thing, stop my toe, anything. I go, this is the beginning of the end. - Yeah, for sure. - Everything from here on out, we'll stem from that and it will go downhill. - Yeah. - That will be like the butterfly effect that ripples through every single thing in your entire life. - This sore throat is the three week notice. Before I find out that I have a disease that can't be cured, it's, I will, everything that happens today is the last, the end of the conversation. - I have a sore throat, which means I have rickets. I don't know what rickets is. - Rickets. - And I have, which means I have like the milk sickness or something. - Yes. - And I'm done. - I'm sorry that I went back to eye twitch 'cause I'm afraid that I will go back to it and this will become, can I say it into camera, the eye twitch episode. - Oh, let's see. - This is the eye twitch episode by eye twitch. - This is already the eye twitch episode. - Yeah. - And I want to tell you, - Warby Parker, that's eyes. - Hello. - Maybe there's a tie-in. - Cover up your twitch with a big enough frame. - Exactly. - Warby Parker. - Hey, is your eye freaking out? - Warby Parker. - Are you a fucked up freak with an eye twitch all the time? Here's a pair of glasses that might be able to cover that up. - One of them scare your face with some really goofy frames. Try Warby Parker. - That is quite literally what I'm up to. Obscuring my face with some goofy frames. Keeping it silly, keeping people distracted from the eye twitch. Oh my god, I'm so scared. - Here we are, time of our lives. - I mean, really, what do you think is going on with the eye twitch? I'm not kidding. - I'm really scared of it. - It has to be stress, right? Are you stressed out? - All the time. - Think so. - I mean, I guess it's either all the time or never. (laughing) - And I don't know. - Right, right, right. - Do you know what I mean? - This is water, I so to speak. - Come and ask you a question. - Yeah. - I know how you feel. - Oh my god, what a good question. I think I know how I feel. - I do too. - Okay, like you, I always think I'm not stressed out. I'm not depressed, you know what I'm like. I'm going to the therapist or I'm like, I feel bad, I feel bad. And there was like, maybe you're depressed. And I'm like, no, that's not it. - Yeah, that's not it. - It's a nice idea, but not that. - But maybe I'm pushing it all down. And the eye twitch is like, it's coming out, baby. - Yeah, you're coming out. I don't know, it's possible. It's certainly possible. - I think I either know exactly how I feel or I have no clue. - Yeah, I do. - Does that make sense? - I have a lot of confidence in my self-awareness that may be completely wrong. - Yeah. - People go, how are you feeling? And I go, fine. - Yeah, I'm feeling good. - And I mean that. - Yeah. - But what if I'm not fine? - Yeah, I mean. - The eye is twitching and he knows and I don't know. - In your private moments, are you ever having, you're having a real dark freak out? You're having a spiraling daydream? - Never. - Never. - I'm totally chilling. - I don't know. Then maybe it's not that, maybe it's the water thing. - Maybe it's the water thing, but I'm drinking a lot of water. - Yeah. - I don't know. - Water, sleep, stress. - Those are the ones that they say, right? - That's the ones that, a stranger on the street would say these things to you about the eye twitch. - A dog will walk up to you and tell you. - Yes, anybody, it's like, if there's like basically signs on the lamppost that say, if you have an eye twitch, sleep, water, stress. - Yeah, rip off a little number, call this number. I'll tell you about your eye twitch. - Don't think I'm stressed. I'm getting the same amount of sleep I've always gotten, which is not a lot. - Yeah. - Sure. - Could it be that we've both been exposed to some kind of poison? - This is what I fear. - Yeah. - This is what I fear and I fear it's forever. I feel like now I'll be eye twitch guy forever. - You're like eye twitch is kind of your thing. - Causes. - Eye strain, he says, looking at this thing, like it's 100 miles away. - Maybe triggered by alcohol intake. - No. - Not many. - Nope. - Caffeine excess. I am working on caffeine. - Never, I never drink caffeine. - To see me and you are different. Okay. Eye strain fatigue, fatigue is, that could be it. - It could 100. I don't sleep. - Yeah. - Now, why aren't you sleeping? - Um, porn addiction. (laughing) - I'm long pause. - I'm up holding my eye open. - No, I'm just too much stuff to do. - Yeah. - There's too many people to see. There's too many things to think about. - I have like a multiple. - What was that? - I got a good laugh out of Nicole on that one for some reason. And so there's too many things to think about and Nicole's, what are we thinking about? - Everything. Name a thing. I'm thinking about it. - Conflicts, personal, global, military. - All of it. - Military. - Every stretch. - Oh my God. - Things I said years ago, people haven't talked to. - This is when you're like, I'm definitely not depressed. You know what guys? I stay up until late in the night thinking about global conflicts. (laughing) It could be that. - Is that depression, though? - I don't know that. - I don't know. I'm not sure that that's what it is. - So what on tap in? - I can't, but I can't fall asleep because I'm thinking about global conflicts. Feels like something. - You ever stay up because you're worried about the world? - I step 'cause I watch sports center twice. - No worries. - Yeah, I watch it. I watch it again twice. (laughing) I'm going, my kids go to sleep at whatever time. So it's like, wife time. So my wife and I hang out and their wife goes to sleep and then I watch sports center twice. - Yeah. (laughing) - But you think once would do it? - Absolutely. The second sports center is identical to the one before. They're telling you the exact stuff they already told you. - Yeah. - But I like the bouncing of the balls. I like the big men's mush in each other. I love it. - Yeah. You, I think my big note for you, if I could give you one and you feel free to give me one too. - Thank you. - I would just say do sports center once and then maybe go to bed. - That could help. - That would be my one thing. - Are you ever for sports? - You're wearing sports. - Big football guy. - Football, American football. - American football. - Kansas City Chiefs. - Incredible. - Yeah. - You're a football team. Do you care about football at all? - I care about the San Francisco 49ers, so we're natural rivals. Sorry. And also, but you're from Kansas City. - Yes. - I acquired it as a youth. Because I was being bullied relentlessly, actually. - Why? - Because I was not cool, I think. I wore sweatpants all the time. - Yeah. - I had really bad eczema. I had really bad acne. - Yeah. - I went on to braces, which were clear. - No. - Big mistake. - No. - It looks like your teeth have teeth. - Yeah. - So I had a lot of stuff going wrong for me. I was, now you think, okay, well at least he was probably a good student. Absolutely not. Teachers berating me in front of the classroom. - Yeah. - It's quite smart. - We're such an easy victim. - To this day. - I had no natural ally. There was no place, there was nowhere to hide. And I thought maybe if I like sports, that will save me. The 49ers were good at that time. So that's just who I latched on to. - And where were you in the world? - New Haven, Connecticut. - New Haven, Connecticut being a 49ers fan. - Yeah, exactly. Couldn't be geographically further from the 49ers. - Also, sports as identity and community, typically very geographical, and for you to pick a team across. the country is like okay your judgment was not with the sweats and everything it's like yeah you're obviously we're not. I was making some bad choices. You're not dialed in. This is before and now eventually I discovered theater. Hello and they'll take anybody. Literally yes but that's actually at that age. Actually true. Low bar to entry. Yeah. This sloppy person riddled with pockmarks bring it bring it. We'll take 10 more of these. Yeah you can play a leper in the next production whatever they just don't care. So there in theater I'm a king. Yeah absolutely a king so that's where but but before that I adopted the 49ers prior to discovering the outlet of theater. Yeah how did you find the theater? My mom forced me. Yeah she made you do theater. My mom made me do ballet class. She made me do piano. Yeah she made me do theater. Did was she just like desperate to have a gaze on or she didn't what those three specific militantly trying to make me homosexual. I see you not having any friends. I might I interest you in ballet. It's like a very dastardly kind of move. Yeah anything I can do to maybe if we deepen this alienation. Yeah. Just like you to ostracize you further. Let's pick a beautiful rare art form that boys historically don't respect. And I would say that to that end every single week she was like no this week the teacher told me there are going to be other boys in the class. And then she would drop me off marry a boy in sight. Yeah. Not a one. Yeah. And I'm the most oh also inflexible person alive. Yeah. So other people are well they're training to be ballerinas. That's what they want to do. I can't touch my needs. So it's it's humiliating for me in a hundred different ways. Yeah how long did you do ballet? I did it for I want to say three years of ballet classes a long time. And it got to the point where I hated it so much that my mom would drop me off and I would go inside and then once her car had big white van strip a big white van once it drove away I would go outside to a pay phone call the school and say I was sick. And then my mom would come and pick me up and I would walk back into the school to be picked. You understand what I'm saying? I'm doing I'm doing subterfuge. Yes. I'm really proud of him. I like what he was doing. Yes. I wish I knew him. I would have been your friend. Thank you so much for saying were you popular when you were you were always popular. I wouldn't say popular. I existed in a I kind of like a liminal space. I kind of got on with everybody because it was a survival technique. Okay. I the the the weird kids drawing like anime pictures at lunch and like wearing horse tails and shit. I got on with them. We were cool. The athletes. I kind of just like I understood I had like a little in with everybody. But guess what a friend to all a friend to none. I had no home. Okay. I had no like place. I didn't have like the theater. I'm trying to have sympathy for that but I was I was getting absolutely abused. I don't understand. No, I don't think you were. You play football, right? I did. I played football third grade to ninth grade. Okay. So that's an end. That's like that's even if you don't feel like totally at one with it. That's a community like people who respect you. Yeah. I was allowed places. I wasn't like I wasn't picked on for the most part. And then also you're eloquent and you're interested in like that's how you can get along with people. Yeah. Because all those things together combine to make like so everybody wants that guy around. Even if you don't feel like you're with them, they think you're with and you didn't feel interested or eloquent. No, no, no, never. No, not law. No, I was I was and I also looked like hell. I looked I looked bad. Yeah. I axima every place. 100% of my body. I was I was a crocodile person. I love him. And I've already talked I've talked about this before. But on top of all of this because of the axima, I agree. This is fifth grade now. A girl in my fifth grade class convinced the other kids that the scars from scratching the axima were actually heroin. That's that I was injecting myself with heroin. So they convinced the other kids that I was doing heroin. What the fuck? That's what was going on for me, Caleb. That's crazy. Yeah, my situation was better. It was tough sometimes with that, but never did anyone think I was a heroin addict. Jesus Christ, kids suck. Tough with fat people make fun of you for being fat, you're saying? Oh, yeah. Tough with fat. Oh, yeah. Fat was my big issue. Even gay kind of went under the radar. Fat was the big one. Fat is a kid. If you're a fat kid, best of luck. I just every time I see a fat kid, I'm like, they I hope you I hope someone's given you perspective, brother, because it's not now's not your window, but someday you might be all right. I just see a little fat kid and I go hang in there, pal. I don't know what to tell you. You better find a skill. You're able to sing or something. Football was helpful because fat was fat was they were very happy about fat at football. You were a lineman, I assume? Yes, but outside of football, they were not thrilled with fat. Were you good at football? Oh, very good. Really? I was very good at football. That fucking rules. Yeah, I was very good. I blew I heard I had to get knee surgery when I was 15. That's why I stopped playing. Oh, I would you if you like you would have kept playing forever until until some injury. I think I would have stayed in the closet and played as long as I could have. It was it was a place where I felt very powerful because you were good at what position did you play specifically? I played right guard and then I played a very different positions on the defensive line whenever they needed me kind of and it went to a small school. Yeah, so just depending on who was around and who wasn't. But yeah, I would have definitely kept playing. It was a place that I felt like strong and powerful. That's awesome. It was cool, but it wasn't like I wasn't like mean enough and like tough enough to be like the guys that were really idolized like chances laughing because he knows what I mean. The lineman that were like really idolized were the guys who were like disgusting like they wanted to hurt people. Yeah, totally. I never wanted to hurt anybody. I just like winning, you know. Yeah. Well, you want as an offensive lineman. I'm just here to protect my guy. Yeah. I was like, I just want to I want to win the objective. I want to like win this the the game. But these guys, the guys who like really got respected as lineman. They want to fucking take care of it. They were being like, I'm going to fucking kill somebody. It was like violent, weird like strange energy. Yeah, totally. I was always trying to get a joke off. They were always like, all right, as long as you block my body's made of stone. Yeah. That kind of thing. It was weird. It was weird. I never took weight training seriously, obviously. I'm strong, but I was never I was never focused up. Are we still are we still in the gym ever? Not in the gym right now. I'm thinking about getting back, but I am I'm still very strong, Michael. I can't lie to you. I love that. Yeah. And when you say it, how do you know that you're very strong? Come on. Take a little feel. Come on, get on there. Don't be scared. Yeah. That's just that's just nature. People don't know. That's nature. People don't know. There's no that you got to be we got to be curling something. No, brother. No, no, no. You're just you're just descended from a line. That's like, no, I'm I'm a I'm a hearty Midwestern stock. And I have to get back in the game at any moment. And the fact that I don't want that's like Prometheon. That's like real. These legs can do what you know. I can't really get into it right now. I'm here to talk about you. Do you want do you want to should we want to wrestle? Do I want to wrestle? Yeah. You could wrestle if you want. Do you know if we wrestled? I feel I think that you would do better than I think. I would say my number one tactic would be trying to escape a lot quick. Yeah. Speed. Yeah. You're going to run over there and around tire me rolling stuff in front of you. I'm officially just I'm doing this a lot. Missing you as you run under me. You said you had a knee thing. I'm going to try and exploit that in some way. Quick change it. Yeah. Quick change of direction. If anyone listening ever finds themselves in a physical altercation with me, go for the right knee. It's my weakest thing. That's the way to go. Yeah. You can still if you put your finger here and I bend my leg, you can still feel a pop from the surgery. Yeah. Go for the knee. Can I zag to a separate subject for a second? I wish you would. Okay. I just lick my lips and there was something on my lip like a piece of food or something and I drew it into my mouth. Okay. And my question is was it there the entire time? So what level of friendship do we have with the people in this room? So I don't have a thing here the whole time? That they should say something to you, but let me tell you something. Okay. I've done an entire Michael. I've done an entire episode of this show with me on your face. Chocolate like smeared on my face. And no one, none of these people said any to you. Multiple people paid very well paid more than their asking rate. Every single person in this room. You out. You out. We'll plus that. We'll go over that. I say we'll pay you more because we want to do this. Why can't we trust you? Don't tell me chocolate all over my face. That is crazy. The clip comes out. I go, hey, so there's chocolate smeared across my face like the fucking kid from Matilda. And you guys didn't bother to say one single thing. I'm telling you if that is on my lip, it has to be CGIed out. Something has to be done. You have to put you have to AI. Does AI do that? Yeah. Can Claude? Can Claude? We're using AI all the time on our guest physical appearances on the show. I don't like AI. I'm anti. But if Claude can do that, if Claude can do that, I want it. I write until I have something on my lip. That's where I draw the line. That's where I stop. That's exactly half something. Because on my lip, you can amthropic, right? That's a company. Yeah. They can just zoop that out. Yeah, Sam Altman can come in personally and touch up my lip if he needs to. Who is, wait, Sam Altman's well. Who is this person? I'm going to say a name. You tell me if this is somebody. Okay. Sam bankman freed. What's that? That is a person. Okay. And I do not remember what he is notable for. Wonderful. And we'll just we can edit that out of the episode. Take it away. No, it'll come up. Chance is going to Google it for us now. Okay. Chance, Sam bankman freed. Is it a bad guy? Is it an evil man? Is it a crypto guy? Okay. Crypto guy. Oh, sorry. Oh, fuck. My god. Honestly, what I'm looking at to me is that's like roughly me and 5th grade. Oh god. Oh, he's a convicted fraudster. Oh my god. He didn't have a choice. Look at that mug. Commonly commonly known as SPF. I don't I don't think the look is good. And when you're that rich, you should be doing something. He he he he forfeited $11 billion. Yeah, you shouldn't have. Oh, the financier Anthony Scaramucci. He's always at the scene of the crime. Love Scaramucci. Leave me out of this. I can't talk about the first one here. Scarmoji, yeah, you know, the first Trump administration was a lot of fun and that he hired a bunch of people that he knew seemingly nothing about Absolutely, and then treated them like dog shit Fire them publicly and humiliated them, and then they all were like, I think he's a bad guy And the second time around he has not made that mistake. He is only hired the dumbest most loyal fucking idiots in the world Yes, lap dogs up up and down Carolyn Levitt, that stupid bitch. She'll just she'll go up there every day and be like, I think with the president, man And she will never get fine. Yes, it's all every person is a decoder ring in that way Like he says whatever and they're like, okay, so what that actually means is and it's like no, I can see the words I read it. Yeah, it felt like first first Trump felt like Everyone all his supporters were mad that it's like they're not letting him do what he wants right and now he's doing what he wants and they're like Another having like Trump rewards see diddies. Okay, maybe maybe next time we don't vote for him. They will they will They absolutely I don't know if I can keep standing for this they will yeah, my farm has been burned to the ground Well, let's try it a third time. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. What happens to your farm by the way my farm? Do you have a farm anywhere? I don't have a farm. Do you have a farm? No. Oh, I kind of am one of those guys that wants one you I could see you having a farm. Do you want like a fuck show biz ranch? I am ready to be out of the business I'm ready if I could afford to like I can't Forget it. I got a mortgage. So I'll be in there's the only thing I know how to do so I'm gonna be I'm gonna be in the biz right and Right and sloppy jokes for fucking whomever, but I would love I would love to move to Kansas or some place. Yeah, have a pool and just chill. That would be fucking awesome. Yeah, it's beautiful over there. I can't recommend it enough I don't have a farm. I have a house. Yeah, it's fine. I don't I'm not good with animals. No like I Don't mind them, but I'm not good like I don't want to touch one you know me doesn't feel like farm is for me. Yeah farm might not be that this farm farm has animals, right? I'm thinking moo moo here. I'm thinking EIA. I totally have animals, but by the way most of these people most of people are doing like a show business farm They're not touching the animals either. They've got help to do the animals. They like maybe ride a horse and what is a show business farm? Fuck show biz farm. You know, oh, I got you. I thought yeah in my mind I you said show business farm, and I imagine you're just like growing like a Jeff ropes and a person goes and gets a ranch Yeah, I'm a rancher now where I you're wearing jeans on a ranch. You're not a rancher That's fuck show business farm. Yeah, I got you. I like that. I would if I could afford to do that There's so many things I would do if I could afford to do them, but that's the so ranch for sure You know, I think one of the things So many people not just show business people, but so many people that live in cities in general last couple years Been like I just want to move to the woods and I'm like hey, don't hey, don't you wouldn't do well out there not the woods you wouldn't do well in the woods No, I would do I would do horribly in the woods. You'd be so bored bugs bugs. That's kind of it I don't do any body Wi-Fi. Yeah, no cell service. I think I but enforced spotty Wi-Fi for me I think would be helpful. I would sleep more if I didn't have the internet for sure You couldn't wash the second sports center. No sports are on the TV. I don't need the internet for that That's horrible. I was hoping I was hoping maybe you were streaming But you're on the internet and late at night come on. It's be honest. Am I on the internet late at night? Sometimes, but usually it's like responding to people's Instagram stories. I'm not doom scrolling. I don't have Tick-tock on my phone and I feel like that when I did have tick-tock on my phone that was Troubling. Oh, you know what I have that is I think maybe the most pathetic version of this tell me is I have a video game called Clash Royale, you know what this is? Well, it's me in a bunch of 11-year-olds and I can this is no way that's no point even trying to explain you What are you doing? I'm playing a game where I'm defending my three my two towers on my castle Yeah, against the other guys towers and his castle. Yeah, and I'm sending my little minions over there to try and To take his stuff to blow up his stuff and are you succeeding? I would say most of the time I'm succeeding We're playing children. I'm I'm definitely playing kids and they they're like little Emoticon not emoticons emojis or whatever that they can respond to you with and these kids are really me What are they saying? They don't say anything. It's just like a it's a like a king cackling at you as his little characters destroy your tower Oh my god. Yeah, it's pretty bad. I wish I hadn't brought this up. That's horrible cut this out too. No, I think we'll keep this Why are you on there? Because I started doing it and then you like How'd you how'd you find it? My son my son was doing it so that's normal Okay. Yeah, so my son was doing it and then I started playing him in it and then he's like I'm going to bed because it's 11 p.m Yeah, I'm like I'll play let me just play six to seven hundred more games And now I'm playing Clash Royale with a Korean nine-year-old who's kicking my ass I'm like I gotta go to bed destroying you absolutely I have to get everybody to go to work. Yeah exactly take my daughter to school in the morning I'm sleeping in late because I'm like just give daddy five more minutes. I played Clash Royale until 3 a.m Are you telling your kids stuff like that? I tell them. Yeah, I think so I try to be honest pretty pretty real with them I mean, you know, yeah pretty honest. Yeah, there's some stuff you can't but almost everything. What are you keeping from them? How do you decide when to lie and when to be honest? Are you ever lying about small stuff just to make your life easier? I don't I try not to yeah, but I probably am yeah, I don't think so more like you know If like my wife and I have a have a disagreement and my kids like what's that about? Well, I'm not even lying. I'm just like I'm not gonna tell you Well, the truth is I'm not gonna tell you that's not for you. Yeah, so I think there's some things that I try to keep like These are the adult things and I'm not trying to bring those things into your world You know what I mean? Yeah, but anything if I have a feeling about something or a thought about something I pretty much tell them yeah because I'm trying to encourage that in them especially in That in my son because I just feel like that's a thing that dudes tend to not do like I think you're sort of socialized to Keep everything in there. You know what I mean? And that's I think that's bad. Yeah, you think it's bad. I think it's really good I really want you to let out that you keep things in. Yeah, I do not want to see boys expressing themselves Ever ever yeah, I'll cross To push it down. Yes, so yeah, I'm trying I'm trying to like you know, let him have his let him have his feelings encourage him to express them Yeah, do you feel like you got that? Me yeah No, not really no, I mean like I was encouraged to participate in artistic things ballet piano theater Yeah, but like to I would definitely remember at one point I broke up with my girlfriend of long a long time in high school And I was crying and my mom was like come on. No. Yeah, really? Yeah She's she's Filipina also says a little like cultural there also of like we have it here too of men have to be a particular way So me crying about my girlfriend was not cool. Yeah. Yeah, have you guys talked about that and I told me my mom? Yeah No, I think if we did she would deny My mom is oh come on My mom is a full fabricator like I don't even think I don't even think she intends to Do it. I think it's a spontaneous uncontrollable thing. We should just like say some stuff. And you're like that's 100% not true. Yeah, like we'll be out to dinner with my family Extended family this happened my mom turns to my dad's brother and goes, you know, Michael is so close with us He tells us all about his sex life. I'm like, why why would you say that? I do you know never I never would I never have what could have possessed you to say that sentence. Yeah But just like something there's just something flips and she's like, I'm gonna say something crazy right now. It's boarded She's boarded in her. She's like I'm about to lie Period this is tedious. I'm about to say something crazy. Well, I'm bored. Who wants to hear a lie? Anyway, truth's been pretty boring anybody want to hear a fabrication a falsehood. That's exact that is what's happening It's fucking wrong. It's very interesting. I love it. It's very fun See, but you're robbing your kids of that because you're doing this like humble honest thing with them You should be lying in front of them. You're right. Give them stories make up more shit. Your kids are going to be too well-adjusted Yeah, I mean, I think I was growing up because of the bullying very much a liar I would just like make shit up about like I don't I didn't even tell you what what it was But I always made me feel bad, you know when you're pretending. Yeah, can I talk about you when you're lying you feel bad It's not what you're asking me. Do I know about that if you have the if you If you could relate to the feeling of having like I will like a pretend like I got a like a full persona that I kind of made up because I was trying to escape The thing that I actually was. 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B.Y. Parker dot com slash so true I was I was loathed right? Okay, so I'm trying to invent like stories about my family Oh, I met this famous person. I'm talking to other kids at school. Yeah, but none of it is true Right so any time there was a taste of them being like oh, I like tell me more about that And I'm like oh fuck. I've now created this distance between myself and this person They will never know who I am because I'm invested in this lie and I will never tell them the truth Yeah, you know I'm talking about it totally totally okay, so you're done mocking me for having totally totally totally no I'm I you said you said I lie and then I feel bad. Do you know what I mean? And I was like And I was like what this feels like It's just like some sort of morality test that I meant to fail like you're like you're like Kim a by I felt bad for hurting people you understand Please walk with me on this please try to understand can you imagine can you imagine so sorry your sociopath you wouldn't Totally I've lied so many times. I also used to steal steel like what oh, I love stealing I would steal anything But like what a horse Oh, still if I if you think if I could steal a horse, I would have stolen a fucking horse what this horse I brought this oh riding off on a horse you didn't have before my horse I go this is my horse from home This is my horse that I brought that I came in with the horse I came in on no, I would steal from anybody I would still change I would steal hats. I would steal little trinkets. I would steal anything I could get my little hands I still I also still stuff I still shoplifting I would steal choose your own adventure books That's the thing that I stole while I was supposed to be in ballet class I would go around the corner to the bookstore and then just shove my pants full of How do you get in there? No, not your sleds and then I got and then I got caught I got caught by the guy and he was like I'm gonna call your parents give me a parents phone number and I said please Please don't do that and then he didn't call them so my parents won't find out about that right now Oh my god, what a nice guy very nice guy. Why do you think he took pity on you? Do you have any understanding of them? I was sobbing. Yeah, where are you? Probably I don't remember It's also so funny like as a kid you don't really know what's fully available to you You know like if an adult were to say to a kid Hey, I'm gonna call your parents give me your parents phone number the kid can 100% just go no fuck you and walk away Yes, but kids don't know that they can do that So they just like stand there terrified like fucking one eight seven They just give the number yeah, exactly. You don't have to do that. I'll dial it for you almost kids Don't know how often you can just say no to some fuck off. It's crazy. I think about that all the time Sometimes I get mad. This is crazy people where we'll see this as crazy because it is crazy What I'm about to say? Sometimes I will think of times as a kid that I let someone tell me what to do and I will get mad And I'll go I should have told them no such as please give us a specific example Like I'll think about like a teacher being like Caleb goes to it over there. You're talking too much and I am as an adult Go I should have told her to fuck off. Yeah, what do you mean? I'm sitting right here not going over there I'm gonna keep talking I'm talking you interrupted me you fucking yeah my face you keep talking about biology or whatever I'm talking to Steve what are you talking about I finished my work do better. Give me harder work. I'm gonna stay right here And I get mad I go he should have known better see I feel like my kids are pretty good like they're very self-possessed And if it's from growing up in Brooklyn or whatever, but I do feel that they would I Feel like they would have the wherewithal to be like I'd rather not do that. How old are your kids 16? Crazy 13 crazy old whoa to old. I don't like it like I mean there I love them so much that they're the best. Yeah, but I just don't like them I don't like that they continue to age. I was like to freeze them. Yeah a lot of a lot of the time I will be sitting with them looking at pictures of them. Yeah, and they'll be talking to me I'll be like actually stop. Yeah, I'm looking at you. Yeah, I'm actually enjoying you where you were supposed to be Yeah, you're supposed to be this don't be don't be this what you are. Yeah, we're just because my son is gonna He's gonna leave he's he's gonna go to college. You think so. I don't want that fuck. Yeah, you could probably keep him in the house If you started doing some really strategic stuff now like trekking him about stuff You've got two years to sabotage his chances at college Yeah, if you want to keep him around that's the way things are you've got two years with him You've got like five with the daughter. Yeah, what do you think is a good trap like get him arrested for something or what are you thinking? I think yeah, totally getting arrested for something could be huge. Didn't you run the risk of him going to jail? Okay, so I don't want that probably that's also a way for me. Yeah Maybe a viral video of him doing something problematic Yeah, if you could get him to dress up in a costume. He has no business being in for Halloween Maybe if I could maybe this is another place for AI where I could Does AI do stuff like that? Yeah, could AI make him put him in a weird Dress shouldn't be where yeah, I'm sure kabuki Dress I'm sure he could that's one way to go, but then There is the chance that maybe you'll want him to be able to leave the house someday Yeah, right, right, right, right, we don't want to do so permanent. Okay This is this is good to pitch on this though. You could start You or your wife Could start pretending to be quite sick. Oh, that's good and then whenever you're ready for him to leave the house You could be like oh, I'm fine now. Yeah, I'm actually fine in like five or six years when you guys are actually sick of him being in the house You could be like oh, we're better. Yeah, yeah, he's been like changing my bedpan for six years Yeah, but you guys are hanging out playing clash Royale or whatever the fuck he's like 23 Be like sorry my dad sick he wants to play clash Royale. I I can't come out tonight. Yeah, I can't take any classes or leave the home at all Sorry, I can't come out at all ever my dad's sick. Yeah, if I don't play NBA 2K with my dad. He has seizures No, he'll start seizing for real guys. I've seen it. Is this bad? I do like force my son to play NBA 2K with me like force him He'll be like I don't want to I want to do homework. I'm like well too bad. Yeah, well because I said so no That's the point of having kids. Yes, I agree with that. That's totally the point of having kids. Do you want to have kids? I do okay Yeah, I do look well how many kids what kind of kids? Oh my gosh. What kind of kids? I'll take any kind whatever they'll sell me You know whatever they got whatever they got whatever's left on the market How many do I want? I think I would love like three three kids. That would be great kind of a classic three would be great Are you of three or you have what no? I'm technically of two but it was very complicated But I was okay most a lot of times I was the only kid in the house So three would be cool. Yeah, I definitely don't want just one. I'm of three three three Three good three cool for you three cool. We have two. I'm not I'm not having and I'm not having I had I had my penis broke Yeah, yeah, I went out of a sect to me. I said fucking Kill it cut the cut that shut off break that fucker. Yeah, you don't punch it. You know, they can reverse that What's that? No, not what they did to me No, sir brother. I made sure they couldn't I said I said you go out there. You got a gun. You come back Do the irrevocable one. Yeah, yeah nice. I want to do some crimes down there Yeah, and they did and they did and it still hurts to this day, but it's worth it Do you have my hate to hear that brother? No, the idea of just it's really the it's the economy buddy Oh, yeah, if I have one more kid the at the stress of how much it costs I would go straight throughout you got both switching. Both eyes, switching my butthole, twitch, and it's all everything's twitching like crazy. I would sprint full speed out the window. Crash boom done it's over. Yeah. If there wasn't a window, I would coolate man through the wall. Yeah. I can't support another child. I just can't do it. Okay, don't have a third. Okay. Thank you. Yeah. Thank you for saying that. You knew I was going to keep pushing and you set me straight and that's fine. I met your wife. She's wonderful. I love to see you guys have a third kid, but I understand. Stop saying that. Don't say that. Cut that out. Claw use clock for that. Cut that out. Oh, that's so funny. Well, fuck. Okay. I guess you'll just have the two then. Do you know what that do your kids have any idea what they want to do? My son has been dabbling. He's been dabbling in law stuff. He spent a week with the Brooklyn DA's office. Fuck. And he is going today to meet, I think to watch corporate meetings with some judge. So he's kind of into that, but it's, it's really a dabble. You went to the court to watch a Brooklyn DA and there was some Hispanic guy who was pleading guilty to something. And the judge was saying to this guy, you know, by pleading guilty, you wave your right to all these rights that you wave. And Truman as my son's name came home and he was like, dude, it was fucking sad as hell. Yeah. That's like, so maybe then you don't want it. Maybe this is not exactly the thing you want to do or maybe you could be protecting this guy. Yeah. But I think there is sort of like a TV version of the law and a movie version. That's very glamorous. And then there's like actual real practical law shit that is pretty bleak. Yeah. So I don't know. Damn. I, I would be happy. He loves sports. I'd be happy for him to find some kind of, some kind of a sports job. I bet you would. You want him to watch in sports? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You're like, get a job at sports center. See if, see if they'll give old dad a tour. I bet I bet you get to take someone around the office every once in a while. Maybe bring it old dad. Hey, give, give, give punches. You can meet me. You can play one-on-one with Charles Barclay. Okay. I guess you're behind the desk, right? No, I don't care. Yeah. Come on. Take the camera on. See what happens. Your poor son just wants to be a lawyer so bad. No. Come on. My dad forced me to do sports. Run the, run the old school statue. Get in with the nets. And then my daughter just got into La Guardia, the La Guardia school perform, for the performing arts. Whoa. What kind of arts? What kind of performance? Drama. She brings the, she brings the drama. She's, she's an actress. Whoa. And so, and that's like the public school system. I don't know what you know about this or how you, how much you want to know. I want to know a lot. Public high school in New York City is like a whole fucked up system that is bad, but probably better than any other system that they could have devised because there's a billion people and there's only like so many good schools. So you could, if a lottery number and her, the lottery number starts with zero, zero. That's the best one you can get. Like, it's a, it's a long thing but it starts to zero, zero. Her started with E, E. Good to say. And we're not even in the numbers anymore. You graduated to alphabet. Yeah. And she's like an incredible student. So it sucks. So she had to audition, do a bunch of things to try and get into other schools. So she auditioned for LaGuardia and she got in, which is great. Nice. It's a good school. Nice. It's a really good school for one of here. But also, I mean, not just for the acting, also for the reading and the writing and the, and the plus thing on the minus thing. If she's talented, who cares? Yeah, I guess that's true. If you're not talented, we're not a read, but if you're talented, who cares? Just fuck it. Okay. Yeah, just say, they'll say it in your ear and you say it out loud. Hello. Yeah. Forget reading. I just see if you're talented, those things don't apply to you. Yeah. I mean, I, I, I don't know if I want her to be an actress so much, so much of the external validation. Yeah. You don't have that. You have you validate internally. You seem pure and wise. I don't worry that I'm pure. Okay. I think there's a shot at wise. Okay. I might be wise on some days. Okay. I feel, yeah, I feel pretty, I feel pretty internally validated. Yeah. I think I know what I've done better. Yeah. Do you not have that? Yeah. I'm okay. Yeah. I'm physically a disaster, but mentally, I think, okay, physically disaster. So the ankles and the knees are a problem. Ancles and knees are a problem. I'm playing basketball as much as possible because I love it. Yeah. Is there any part of your brain that goes? It's a ticking clock on the basketball. I, every injury I have in my life, like real injury is from playing basketball. I hurt my knee, torn something in my knee, sprained my ankles really badly. I have over both of my eyelids. I've burst both of my eyelids from getting headbutted playing basketball. A lot of bad stuff, but I, I, I, there's, I love it so much. Yeah. Is there anything like that for you? Like was football ever like that? No, I would say maybe like in terms of like, well, I don't think I love doing like that. I love going on a long walk. I like riding bikes. Yeah. It's nothing competitive. Like if I hear a basketball, if I were here a basketball in the hall right now, yeah, after this is over, I would go and try and find where that is and be like, be out play. Yeah. And I'm wearing this. I like if I'm at a, if I'm at a wedding and I'm dressed in a full suit and I can see like outside the wedding, outside of the grounds, there's a basketball game happening over there. Yeah. I'm like, I bet if I stepped out, I could play with them for like 10, 15 minutes. Yeah. I love it. I love that for you so much. There's like, there's no, it's so nothing, it's just us. It's where we are symbiotic. Yeah. I don't think I do, but it's a really beautiful feeling that I wish I had about something. I don't know anything about what you, I don't know your opinion on fracking or whatever. I'm just like, we, you and I are one. We're part of this organism that is playing this thing right now. Yeah. It's like music kind of. It's beautiful. Am I in high? What am I talking about? You're not high at all. You're describing a beautiful love of sport. Okay. Like it's, but it's like that. It's like you're, you're, if you're ever in a band, it's just like what it, what the fuck are we even doing? This is all nonsense, but I love it. 100%. I feel, I wish you were saying this on a different podcast because I know there are podcasts out there where a bunch of straight guys would be in the comments being like, yeah, fucking nailed it. Like that's how I feel. Unfortunately, there are going to be some lesbians that listen to this that are going to be able to understand your liberty, the New York Liberty, the New York Liberty. They're going to listen. They're okay. That's, that's sports and that's women. Yeah. That's women playing sports. Women. I love women. I guess you didn't think women could play sports. I did not. That's what you're always saying. I still don't play. I do not believe women can play sports. Oh, wait, I have to ask you something. What is so true to you? Oh, oh, right. Okay. What is so true to me? This is like a hot take. Oh, sure. Is this enough of a take? You have to say we're splitting the check before we order. Whoa. You have to say that at the top. Whoa. You can't say at the end. Whoa. Because I don't drink. Yeah. So you're, when I go out and we have dinner, you're drinking, you're having two glasses of the Sovignon Blanc. Kilo, but isn't. But yeah, the other person was okay. So that's, this is 40 bucks. I'm, I'm paying for half of yours. Yeah. No way, buddy. I'm throwing another stake in there. I'm, I'm taking it to go stake. Yeah. And you're paying for that. Yeah. I like this. I'm actually really mad now. I wish we hadn't started talking about. I'm kind of pissed off as well. Who brought this up? Was it you? It was me. It's fucked up. Fucking people putting too much alcohol on the bill. You tell them. Yeah. It's just not right. Yeah. Or splitting it. Just splitting the check. And also if, if you're rich, if you five X my income, yeah, you're paying for it. Now this is kind of where I'm at. We're not split. There's, we're either, we're the paying for what we got or you're paying for all of it. Those are our two options. If you're, if you are so clearly the richest person at the table, yeah, you have an obligation to pay. Sorry. All this is on you. You just do. Yeah. And it's fine. What do you care? Yeah. What do you care? You have so much money. Pay for it. That's, that's how I feel. I don't care how many people are sitting at the table. If you know in your heart that you could drop $700 on the check and it wouldn't really affect your week, you have a responsibility to do it. Legal, legal issue. This is my, this is our platform. Yes. We should run co-president. Yeah. Of the country. You can be president. I'll be vice. You sure? Yeah. Take it. I feel like it. Okay. You're more palatable for you. Be the main guy. I'll run I'll be like Dick Cheney. We're doing secret crazy weird shit. Operating me like a Marionette. Yeah. And up my butt maybe even doing this. Yes. Doing this kind of thing. Yes. We got to be careful with my busted penis. I'll be careful with your busted dick. Yeah. I'm using ankles. Hopefully everything's cool in the anal cavity so I can get up there and work around. Yeah. Oh, I'm doing, I'm doing, have you done colonoscopy yet? No, I'm 31. Buddy, I've done three. Yeah. And those suckers rule. Really? It's the best. Wow. You're doing the, the prep's not great, but it's not as bad as they say. You, you, you, you, you piss shit for it for a day. Yeah. Or you shit piss. But then the colonoscopy they give you propa fall. Have you ever? No, I would. It's the stuff that, and it takes you out, out. You are in a deep sleep. You're on a, you're on an astral plane. You're gone. Yeah. You know, you like, you don't sleep enough. Yeah. Propa fall, you'll have a sleep like you have never had in your entire life. And the guy is like count down from 10. So I know and you go, and you're out. Whoa. You are gone. Yeah. Michael Jackson, I think, died from it. So you got to be careful. Yeah. But when you do it, you're like, I get it. Yeah. I get why that happened. What do they do to you? They put a camera up your butthole and they zoom around in there and they take pictures of everything. Why does that rock for you? You don't even know it's happening. That's, it's, it's the sleep. Oh, you just, you're excited about the sleep. It's asleep. It's the best. You really don't get sleep. I'll do it. I'll, I'll, I'll ship this and I'll have the camera up my ass. I just want this. I want what I like. I guess is Propa fall. Not cool. Yeah. I was going to say, I don't think the actual procedure was doing anything for you. You're like, I love it. I thought you were going to tell me you had like some euphoric feeling afterwards. Absolutely not. No, it's just, it's just a really good nap. It's worth it. The copay, everything. Pay the money. You should have it done. I would just say do it. Yeah. Just go get one. Yeah. Okay. I might, I might, what's the other thing you're supposed to have? I don't think I've had that, but maybe when they do the colonoscopy, do they do that? I don't know, but if you have, and I really would like for you to get one. Okay. You're feeling like that's gonna be a problem for me. I would be concerned if you've never had a prosthetic exam, and I'd like for you to get one. Okay. Have you had one? No, but I think after a certain age, you're supposed to be doing it. This whole thing has been a conspiracy to get me to get a prosthetic exam. Well, and to call me old, is that what it is? No, you're quite young, but I do think there's an age where you're supposed to be getting them regularly. Okay. A lot of things. There are a lot of things I'm supposed to be doing that I'm not doing, and I think that's one of them. I think, honestly, what I would love to do is hospital day. Once a year, I'd love to just be like, "Hey, stick it thing up my ass to the camera, do the check the prostate, run all the blood tests, put me in the big scanner that scans for every type of cancer, MRIs, I'll just come in all day, and then I don't want to hear from you guys for a while." Yeah, I'm not really doing the things that are super necessary all the time. I'm doing more like, I'm eating manoxidil. I'm doing stuff that's periphery. Yeah. I'm not doing things for my health as much as I should be. Well, I think that you're fine. I think you're fine. Okay, thank you. You seem fine. That's what I need. I think don't worry about any of it. An unexamined health situation is often better. The best. That's what they always say. Yeah. Don't think about it. Yeah. And if something comes up, fuck it. We'll ball when we need to ball. I love that idea. Yeah. And that's real talk. Yeah. Ball. Yeah, et cetera. Beautiful. Do you worry about, what do you worry about? Do you worry about anything? I worry about, oh God, what do I worry about? I worry about losing my hair. Really? I worry about that. Is that happening? It is happening. We're getting some, the forehead is encroaching. Yeah. It's zipping up there. Yeah. Thought about going to Turkey. What's that? You thought about going to Turkey? I was just with, God, what's his name? It was constant, tell, constant, you don't know about that. I believe you. Yeah, I don't know. When I did a thing for local news here before this, the comedian who was on after me had gone to Turkey. No complaints. Said he loved it. And it looked straight. He looked straight. Gus. His name is Gus. His hair looks incredible. I've seen one guy. I know one guy who went to Turkey. I know four who did didn't really look good and I think it was a waste of their time and money. I know one guy who looks amazing. Was he fully balled when he went? No. Interesting. I thought about the hairline. I feel like the top I think what you could get to look good, I worry that the hairline is going to look fucking crazy. It's going to look like a horror movie. I think when my time comes, I'll lose my hair for sure. You say that now. I think when my time comes, no, I don't think I'm going to balled gracefully at all. That's not where I'm going with this. Okay. No, I'm not one of those idiots. Yeah. I think I'll just, when it's like very obvious, it needs to go. Yeah. I'll just shave it all off completely bald and start wearing male hair units. I'll wear a system and change it. I'll wear a system. I'll wear, I'll get really good men's wigs and wear a different one. Change them up. Oh my god. I love that. Yeah. I think that's how I'll go. You know, he talks about systems all the time is Asher Proman. You know, Asher. Is Asher wearing systems? He's not, but he talks about it all the time. He's so handsome. He's a gorgeous bald man. His baldness is working for him. It works. So, Google him guys. He's hot. He's handsome. But he is always talking about throwing a system up there. Yeah. It's really funny. He, unfortunately, bald works so well for him. I think it would be, it would be horrible to see him in a unit. But I'd like to maybe see what I could do with some wigs. Bald will, when I go bald when it ultimately happens and I, again, I am eating fistfuls of Monoxidil so I'm doing everything I can to stop it. It's going to look bad on me because my eyebrows are kind of thin already because I am going to look like I have an illness. It's going to look like I have some kind of a, a rare, maybe, rickets, which I still don't know what it is. You still don't know what it is, but it might be what you have. Yeah. Bald will not be good for me. I can tell you that right now. I could, I could kind of see it. No, sir. I, uh, I will not look good with bald, um, I did have a goatee this morning. This morning you had what? Well, I had a bunch of facial hair. Chants saw me last night. I hadn't shaved in a while. I was my little rebellion against having had to shave for every day for weeks. And then this morning when I shaved, I shaved into a goatee and I said, you know what? Much like every man who's ever shaved, I wish God you kept that. You know, I have a picture. Yes. Would you like to see a picture? Show it to the audience. I'll only show it to you. Please show it. They need to see it. They can't see it, but I'll let them see your reaction to it. I'm going to like it. There's no way I won't like it. This is me with a goatee. I don't think you're going to recognize this guy. I'm sure it was out of the shower. Okay. Well, try not to get turned on. There's a lot. There's a lot going on. I can't wait to see this. I am obsessed with that guy. You have to. Don't you love him? You have to do it. Don't you kind of love him? You have to do that. You have at least for one episode of this, you're not, oh, you did angles. I did angles. That's a lot of pressure. That one gives kind of like frustrated restaurant manager. Exactly. And I really like that. That's what I was going for. And it's a good guy. Like it's a manager that you don't like. It's a good manager. It's a good guy. This manager you like and you disappointed him. And that's the face. You upset him. You don't call no show to game. He should have fired you the last time. Yeah. You got one more chance. Yeah. But really, this come on. I don't want to fire you. He's a good guy. Yeah. You should some days be gill on this podcast. You think so? I think so. Coming with a goatee. Yeah. I have been doing kind of like mustache-ish, but also like the asian of me doesn't really want it to be full. It doesn't. I'm half Filipino for God's sake. I didn't realize. You don't have a team that does this before I get it? I don't bring up anybody's race. I've asked them to. Okay. I'm half Filipino. I know that I'm playing with you. Oh, this is fucked up. Did you imagine? This is great. You've got great facial. I really like the way it frames your face. It's very handsome. That's nice of you to say. I also. We've been going for five hours. Do you need to leave? Is this over? This doesn't mean recording at all. Oh, no. We've just had an hour. I wanted to say that sometimes it's patchy because that like the eczema comes also with something alopecia ariata. You ever get this? No. Oh, buddy. That's where you just a little patch where the hair doesn't grow. So then I go to a dermatologist and he shoots hair juice into my face. Hair juice. It's like, it's a steroid basically, but I will have like perfect, like a perfect circle where there's no hair. Oh, wow. And so perfect that it'll look like I shaved a circle into my facial hair so that we can't have that. No, right. I can't stand. That's a different thing. So then my guy, Dr. Wildman, goes and shoots some hair juice in there and then it grows back. Yeah. That's beautiful. Thank you. Thank you for your doctor and shout out to him as well. Yeah. Absolutely. Yeah. And wild Cornell. That's my guy. Yeah. And he's like, what's that? I have a game for you. Okay. I love that. I love games. Why did it flip over? I had to get to the game. Oh. So, but what was on the other side? I can't tell you that. Okay. We run a very serious show here. As you saw when you walked in. Yes. I think you walked in, chance immediately kicked over a coffee like Homer Simpson and then I sure, don't. And he's in there like wiping it up and I was like, great. I'm going to read you 15 statements. You're going to dump me as quickly as you can. If what I just said is true or false. First one's true. And if you get 10 or more correct, you're going to give you 50 US dollars. Cash? Yeah. Really? Yeah, you ready? Is it a 50 or is it 20 to 20 to 10? It's more of a digital wire. I'm not going to lie to you. So I said cash and you just, that's not true. I didn't think you were going to keep going. I didn't think you were going to call my bluff really. Okay. You ready? Do you have my routing stuff? Yes. I don't think you do. We do. Okay. We have the same management. You ready? Yep. False. False. Mountain time. Alienverse Predator was nominated for Best Makeup at the Oscars. True. False. Fuck. The human heart has four chambers. True. True. Butterflies taste with their wings. What did you say? False. False. It's their feet. Spider-Man? I know. Spider-Man turned off the dark. We're in for less than a year on Broadway. True. Fuck you. Reeve Carney, Julie Tamar. Of course it's more than a year. Stupid. Idiot. Idiot means the lightest chemical element. What? Helium is the lightest chemical element. False. False. Yes. The statue of Liberty holds her torch in her right hand. Oh god. Right hand. I'm going to say false. True. Fuck you. Are you kidding me? Oh, it's the book. It's the book. I hate this fucking thing. Go ahead. Go ahead. All, even numbers are divisible by two. Yes. True. All planets in our solar system have at least one moon. False. True. False. What's your answer? All planets. Okay, it's Pluto planet. Are we counting Pluto as a planet? All planets in our solar system. I've been saying true. Fuck it. True. False. Fuck you. No. Connecticut's motto is "He who transplanted all still sustains." Fuck you, no false. True. No. I'm from Connecticut. "He who transplanted still sustains." What? Please. He's made it up. Pineapples grow on trees. Fucking true. False. Where do they grow? In the ground? I need more time. This is one of the worst. Penguins have knees. Penguins have knees. False. True. Peter Griffin's mother's name is Delma. True. True. Okay, fine. The Nile River flows southward. True. False northward. Fucking ass. The founder of Jolly B is still alive. True. True. Let's go. - How do you do? - Seven. - Bullshit! (laughing) - What you did on that one was fucked up. - You asking if I have your wiring information? (laughing) - Before that performance is so true legends. - Oh my God, that was terrible. - I'm so sorry. - It's fine. - I'm so sorry about that. - Woo! - How you feel? - Honestly, I feel good. I feel like maybe I might need a colonoscopy just to relax. - Yeah, just to chill out. - Yeah. - Just to reset. - Yeah, let me get those drugs that killed Michael Jackson so I can chill out this afternoon. (laughing) Well, do you want to tell people where they can find you, what they should be looking out for, how they can support you? - You can find me, I'm @cruescane on Instagram. My special just came out on Dropout. It's called "Sorry for your loss." It's fucking, it's so fucking good. It's so good. You should watch it. - You should watch it. And yeah, just come by my house and say hi. - Yeah, that's beautiful. - Yeah. - Where your two children live. Come by, absolutely just come by knocking the door, come on in. - Yeah. - Give me a little kiss. - Yeah. - There's his friends, a friend kiss. - That's beautiful. - A handshake and a kiss. - This was a gorgeous episode. - Thank you. - You're gorgeous. - Do you want to plug anything? - Yeah, you guys can find me at kill obsessed things on everything. My rarely post. You can check out my HBO special came out last year. It's phenomenal if it doesn't get nominated for it. - It's so good. - Emmy, I'll be shocked. - Oh yeah, I want to be nominated. Can I be nominated for that too? - Can you say that? - Yeah, nominate, you should nominate, nominate, sorry for your loss for an Emmy. And if I get nominated, I'll say I'm not doing it without Caleb. - Yeah, I will too. - I'm not doing it. - I'll do the same thing. - I'm not coming. Yeah, me too. - Okay, great, cool.