Speaker 1With Share My Trip from Uber, you can send your live trip location to the ones who matter most. Like Dan and Hannah, who always wait up to make sure their daughter gets back to her college dorm room. Or Tiffany, who's running late as usual, and her friends are tracking her trip to make sure she's actually on her way. Look, she's right there. She's three minutes away. Or Sam, who never goes anywhere without her roommate knowing exactly where she is. Some journeys are meant to be shared. Share your ride in real time with Share My Trip on Uber. One more way Uber is putting safety at every turn. Learn more on the Uber app. Propel Fitness Water.
Speaker 2With Gatorade Electrolytes, zero sugar, and vitamins. Propel hydrates better than water to help you get the most out of your workout and get back to your best self. What propels you? Propel with Gatorade Electrolytes.
Speaker 3So for a long time in recovery, around the seventh year of my first recovery stint, after I had gone to rehab, I had followed the suggestions that were given to me. I had done everything people were telling me to do. With regards. The recovery spaces and mentors and taking action, not just listening, but also taking the action prescribed, deciding that I was going to get fully invested in the recovery program and change my life and change my behaviors and change the way I acted. Somewhere around the seventh year, I shifted from a member of recovery to an attender of recovery and then eventually a pretender of recovery. So I was pretending to work a recovery program and not telling people how I was doing. I was presenting. the stage character to the world, which we hear, you hear me talk about a lot, but this is a dangerous place to be. And the reason I get inspired about this to talk about it on this podcast is because I think a lot of us shift in between these roles. And if you are currently in one of these roles and, and you're sort of wondering why things aren't working out, it could possibly be because you're pretending in your recovery, you're performing, you're putting on a stage character, you're presenting a stage character, you're acting, or it could be that you're just attending certain recovery spaces, recovery programs, and not really participating, just sort of sitting at the back, going late, showing up on time and leaving early. I want to bring awareness to that today. This is not to bring shame and to beat yourself up about it, but it's to bring awareness and to change back to a member. We want to be members. We want to be fully. In the middle of recovery, fully invested. You only fall off the sides of recovery. You can't fall off the middle. So get into the middle of it. And that's what inspired me to do this because I was for a long time and a tender, and then a pretender, which eventually led me to my relapse and going back out for four months, a year to four months, four months to a year and relapsing on every drug under the sun. Let's avoid that. If you can avoid doing that today and you can stop yourself before it gets too late, before you slip, before you, before you relapse, open up to somebody. That's my goal here today. So I'm Anthony. I'm an addict and an alcoholic. This is recovering out loud. Welcome back. If you like this episode, please like subscribe, follow the podcast. It means the world to me. It's the best payment I could receive from you first. Let's talk about the pretender. So the pretender in recovery is somebody that shows up and performs recovery. Like I said, says the right things, checks the boxes of your recovery program, nods in the right places. Smiles might have years on page. But if you want to see have years on paper, might even be of service and chair meetings and participate, but they haven't surrendered internally. They haven't told anyone the real truth. They haven't told anyone what's really going on and that they're scared, or maybe they're close to relapse, or maybe they're keeping secrets. It's managing an image, not addiction. So that is the pretender. Next is the attender. So I'm an attender in recovery. If you're an attender, you are showing up and that's it. No sponsor, no mentors. If you have a sponsor, you're not calling them. You're stalling on the recovery program, whether it's the steps or smart recovery, whatever that entails. You're not participating. You're just showing up and you're not in service. You're not in the fellowship. You're outside of the room. You're on the edge. You come in, you sit and you leave. You're checking the box. That is an attender. Next is the one you want to be and where I consider myself today. Tomorrow, I don't know, but as a member, a member of recovery, you're actually in it. You have surrendered your will. You have surrendered your way of thinking. You have surrendered your old ideas. You're listening and then taking action. You're honest with others in recovery. You're opening up. You're getting vulnerable. You're working or living the steps or whatever your program of recovery is. You're participating in. You are involved. You are calling other members of recovery. You are reachable. You're in people's lives and people are in your life. You're contributing to the greater cause. You're helping others through it. So here's the thing. All three of these people go to meetings from the outside. You can't really tell them apart. This is an inside job. Only I know when I'm in one of these stages, one of these roles. So the difference here is what you do in between the recovery spaces, in between the meetings. How are you acting outside of the meeting? Are you practicing your recovery program in all of your affairs? Are you practicing the spiritual principles in all of your affairs? Like I said, I've been all three of these at different times in my recovery program. So let me walk you through each on the inside. So for a pretender, most pretenders don't know that they're actually in this stage. You're pretending in real time. I thought I was doing recovery, going to recovery spaces. People knew my name, but I, again, I wasn't practicing the program. When I left the program, when I left the meeting, the recovery space, whatever your thing is. So here's what I wasn't doing. This is the problem. Not telling the truth about what was going on inside. I had been dabbling into steroids and not telling people the full truth. I had been thinking about getting on ADHD medication to fix my, what I thought was my focus problem. When I was convincing myself, my focus problems, I had these great ideas that I wasn't sharing openly with people. That is the biggest takeaway here is whenever I have great ideas, I need to get honest with them and run it by them. Someone I trust that is not going to just yes, man, me or co-sign my bullshit. Someone that's going to call me out a real friend or a real mentor in recovery, a real someone, an accountability partner, really. People would ask me how I was doing and I would say, good, grateful. Then meanwhile, I was white knuckling on the inside. There was a weight around my chest. I wanted to be seen as the sober guy, not actually the sober guy that was struggling. So I wanted to be seen as the sober guy that was struggling. I wanted to be seen as the sober guy It's about lying about how you're doing. How am I doing today? Not how am I feeling? Even that too, but more so what am I doing? Am I taking the action prescribed to me in recovery? This is the environment that relapse grows and thrives in. I remember specifically a time I went to a recovery space and I had been dabbling with ADHD medication. I had been prescribed it and I was telling people that I had been prescribed it. I was telling people that I had been prescribed it. I was telling people that I had been prescribed it, but I wasn't telling them that I was buying it on the dark web. And I felt like a fraud when I was going to my recovery spaces, when I was talking to my recovery community. And so I didn't want to open up about it because the lie was so strong that I had it under control. I did a whole episode about the lies addiction tells you. This one was so strong at that time that I couldn't break out of it because I was embarrassed. I was ashamed that I had been in a relapse and I wasn't ready to admit it yet. I was terrified that if people saw the mess, they would pull away. They would judge me. I built a sober identity on doing well. And there was no way to back down from that. I was hiding. Hiding it is what fed it essentially. So let's do a pretender self checklist. You have a version of a story at meetings or recovery spaces cleaner than the version you live. You have a, you're sort of the director's cut of your version of the truth. The, the real truth is too scary to tell. So you're, you're curating your truth to people. I'm good is reflexive even when you're not. So, that's just your go-to answer. I'm good. Everything's good. Everything's fine. All good on my end. You're more afraid of being seen struggling than of actually struggling, struggling itself. So you have an accountability partner. You have people in recovery that you can tell, but you're not talking to them. Honestly, you're not running things by them. You're not calling them. How did I break out of this? Well, I had to relapse for one because I didn't break out of it early enough. But today to break out of this, it's very simple. It's one conversation, one person in the parking lot after that meeting, just get honest, open up about it. Hey, I'm thinking about this thing. For me, it was some of the behavior that was going on. I was telling people that school is hard and I'm not really being completely honest at school and I'm not trying as hard as I could be. Those are the secrets. Another one was Ozempic. I was on Ozempic at the beginning of this past time coming back around in early recovery. And I had to get open and honest about it because if I kept going on the way I was going, the secret would keep me sick. And I would eventually relapse again. That's how I got open and that's how I broke out of it. So next we have the attender trap. It's subtle because attenders aren't lying the way pretenders are. They're just not in it. You're showing up and you're checking the boxes and you're doing it for other people, maybe your wife, your husband, your partner, your friends, your mom, your dad. The attender stretch is going to meetings, going to recovery spaces, not pretending, mostly fine on the surface. There's no real work involved. You're just showing up, like I said, you're practicing your recovery 10% of your life, maybe just by showing up at these events and spaces, or maybe with your therapist, you're just showing up, you're attending. So why is it a trap? It's because it nothing is actively going wrong. You're not drinking. You're showing up. You're doing the thing, the one thing from the outside and your own scorecard. It looks like a success, but you're not growing. You're not maintaining your spiritual condition. You're maintaining sobriety like a rental car. You're not talking to God. You're not talking to your higher power. You're not cultivating a relationship with other people in recovery. You're holding people at a distance. So for me, I was in this stage in early recovery again, this time when I was floating around, sort of not really landing on a group, a recovery community. I was kind of just going to recovery spaces and not really participating, not getting involved. I was just sort of showing up and talking to people, very surface level conversation. Addiction is patient. Okay. When you're not building, you're eroding. I always say this. You're either moving in the direction of recovery or in the direction of relapse. There's no in between here. When I am attending recovery, I am moving toward relapse. It's only a matter of time before I get so uncomfortable that I'm going to pick up what worked for me, drugs and alcohol. Here is the attender self-check. So we'll walk through these. You're going to meetings, but can't remember the last meaningful share where you got open and honest. Maybe you're not sharing at all. You're just listening. And you tell yourself that you're listening because you need to listen when you should be probably sharing. You have a sponsor's number, but you can't remember the last time you used it. Your step work hasn't moved in months. You're delaying. You are procrastinating. You're not moving. You're not moving. You're not moving. And let's be honest. Procrastination is not bored. It's not procrastination is not laziness. It's fear. It's fear of doing the work. You haven't talked to your community. You haven't gotten open. You haven't called anybody. Sobriety feels like something you're protecting, not living again. Guys, this isn't calling. I'm not calling anyone out. I'm not trying to make you feel shitty about your situation. God knows I've listened to recovery speakers talk and felt like the worst member of recovery in my life. That's not the point here. The point is to be aware, shift it, get back on the horse. The softest, most comfortable, most dangerous place in recovery is to be in a tender. Nobody pulls you out except you. No one's coming to save you. Alternatively, no one's coming to stop you. So the possibilities are endless here. You can do whatever you want if you're willing to pay the consequences. So what does membership actually feel like? How do I know if I'm a member or not? It's not an event. It's not a line you cross. It's just a current state of mind. It's a current state of action. You're slow. It's a slow accumulation of small, boring choices. Small, boring routines. Getting out of self. Helping others. Doing the next right thing. Asking for help when you're not sure about something. How do I do this? What do I do next? What do I do next? That's the question I always say to ask. Don't ask why. Ask what do I do next? What next? How do I stay sober today? Three small moves that actually started my shift from member, sorry, from pretender to member or attender to member. It's very simple to get out of. Calling someone in recovery when I didn't feel like it. Not in crisis, but when I was bored. To ask them how they were doing. Noticing when I was in self pity. To get out of it. To go for a walk. To call another alcoholic and addict. Ask them how they're doing. Like I said, staying after the meeting. Physically staying. Standing there awkwardly for 15 minutes until someone comes up to me and talks to me. Or going up to a newcomer and talking to someone that I know is new and asking them how they're doing. If they need my number. Get their number. Call them. I always say this. Don't give your number out. Get their number and call them. That's what I try to do today. Membership is built in the unsexy gap between meetings. Between your therapy appointments. Between recovery events. It's the phone call that nobody sees. It's the step work that nobody claps for. The authenticity. The integrity. Doing the right thing when nobody is watching. So when you do this, sobriety stops feeling fragile. You move from something you were clinging to. To something holding me up. The chest weight loneliness is mostly lifted. You feel free. There's a great freedom in becoming a member of recovery. You're building real relationships. Real friendships. Not acquaintances. Not people that you see. You're building deep meaningful relationships. You won't want to miss that. I promise you. I've built some of the best relationships in recovery with people that I love and trust. And I can tell anything to. And vice versa. Life got bigger, not smaller. It's the opposite of what I expected. More will be revealed if you stick around and do this stuff. You're able to give something to newcomers. Which is a beautiful gift. You're able to be useful to others when they're struggling. It's one of the most stabilizing things I've ever done. Here are my three markers of membership. It's not a rule book. This is just the way I see it. Reachability. One. So you're in people's phones. You answer when they call. That is the hardest thing to do. I promise you. Answering the phone when someone calls in recovery is so hard. But do it anyways. Vulnerability is showing up without knowing the outcome. Next. Honesty with one person. Make sure everybody is honest. Make sure somebody, sorry, one person on this earth knows everything about. There's no secrets. There's no thoughts that are staying in here. Make sure one person knows everything. All your ideas, all your plans, all your desires, your thoughts. Just get it out. Someone you trust. And then third, contribution. So you're giving something. You're showing up to situations and asking yourself, what can I bring instead of what can I get out of this? What can I bring to this event instead of what can I take? You're a giver, not a taker. You're a giver, not a taker. You're a giver, not a taker. So one, reachability, honest with one person, and contribution. Am I contributing to my recovery community today? No matter how little, no matter how seemingly insignificant, am I contributing? Am I being a useful member of my recovery program? If those three are hitting or running, you are in it, my friend. Just keep doing that. So let's go through an honest self-checklist. This part's uncomfortable, but let's pause if you need to. Take a breath. Which one are you today? Which one are you this week? So I'm going to ask five questions. Question one, when did you last tell somebody in recovery the actual truth about how you're doing? Not the tidy, curated version. Two, when did you last move forward on step work or whatever work your community, spiritual or internal work, of your recovery looks like for you? So whatever that looks like for you. When was the last time you did a move forward? When is the last time you did something toward a goal? Three, when did you last do something for your recovery? When did you last do something for somebody else in recovery that cost you time and effort? I love this one. When was the last time I did something for somebody else in recovery that cost you time and effort? For me, it was answering a phone call of somebody I'm working with yesterday and listening to them talk about, ask me about a dilemma that they're going through. Four, if you disappeared from your meeting for a month, would anybody call? So if I went on vacation, would anybody check up on me? The answer for me today is yes. I have a few people that would check up on me. Don't get mad when I'm not checking up on you. This is a beautiful gift to have, an accountability partner. I know we can get pissed off sometimes about that. Oh, I just went on vacation. I'm fine. Don't worry about me. It's a beautiful gift for people to check in. Be grateful. And five, when you're alone with yourself in the car or at 2 a.m. or in the shower, do you feel like a person in recovery or a person performing recovery? When it's quiet, do you feel like a person in recovery or somebody just performing? These are questions that save my sobriety. Today, and when I got honest enough to answer them, things went well. This is a good place to be. Get honest, get open, journal, get your thoughts out. So again, if you answered these questions and you feel like a pretender, tell one person, not the whole room after a meeting in the parking lot or your therapist. If you felt like an attender, pick one lever, not five. Call a sponsor, call a member of recovery, stay after, text somebody, start the next step. What is the goal? What is the goal? What is the goal? What is the goal? If you're a member, keep going. Notice someone around you who isn't a member. Be the person who pulls them out. What a beautiful gift. I can pull somebody out of one of these things before it's too late. Somebody did that for me and continues to do that for me. I owe them every single day to do it, pay it forward. So in closing, I'm not going to pretend here that I am a guru or above any of this. I've been in all three of these, like I said. Today, I'm a member. Tomorrow, I don't know. That might change. I need to work hard to stay in the middle of recovery. I need to work hard to stay in the middle of recovery. At any moment, I could drift back. I'm not above any of this. I'm not beyond it. I'm right in the middle. Not talking from a mountain here. I'm talking from the middle of it today, like I said. If any of this hit you today, you're not alone. You can get out of this with one simple action. What's it going to be? What's your choice going to be? One conversation, one unsexy choice, one routine, one step towards the right direction. Could save your life. Again, I love every single one of you. Thank you so much for listening and being here today. If you could follow, like, subscribe, send this podcast to somebody, I would greatly appreciate it. If no one's told you this yet, I love you. Recovery is simple,
Speaker 1not easy. On any journey using Uber, it helps to know you're getting into the right car. Pin verification adds an extra step to make sure your ride is your ride. Before the trip begins, your app gives you a unique pin. Just tell it to your driver and they'll enter it in their app
Speaker 2before the ride can start. Hey, what's your pin? 2538. That way, you know you're in the right
Speaker 1car taking the right trip and your driver knows you're the right passenger. Make sure your ride is your ride with pin verification from Uber. One more way Uber is putting safety at every turn.
Speaker 4Learn more on the Uber app. Get business done with the new American Express Graphite Business Cash Unlimited card. With unlimited 2% cash back on all eligible purchases, unlimited 5% cash back on flights and prepaid hotels booked through American Express Travel Online, and a flexible spending capacity that can grow with your business, you'll have the confidence to keep building. today and earn a welcome offer of one thousand five hundred dollars cash back after you spend Spend $50,000 in qualifying purchases on your new card within the first six months of card membership. Terms apply. Learn more at go.mx.graphite.
PodcastTranscript AI