Meeting our Rainbow Baby : VBAC after loss

It had a lot of fear, knowing that I was going to the same hospital where we delivered our daughter, knowing that I could be in the same exact room where we stared across at an empty incubator. That's where the redemption comes from. Every step of this birth story was shaped by Emerson's story. Poor buddy came out with bruises on his face because he had just smacked into every bone. I didn't even know that could happen. I don't know how you pushed him out that quickly. We have a very special new addition to the Howard family. This name is Fischer James Howard. I was going to say Baby Fischer because that's what we've been calling him. Fischer James Howard. We almost changed his name last minute, though. Funny enough. Yeah, we kind of freaked out in the hospital. Just because he was born on the same exact day as Abby's dad, and the same day of the week, Abby's brother looked it up and realized that he was born on a Tuesday and so is Abby's dad back in the '70s. Kind of crazy. Abby's dad's name is Matthew. Then we were like, "Well, I guess maybe we could give him my dad's namesake right at the time, but then it's also your name." We've also called him Fischer internally since he was 10 weeks gestation. Then we were like, "We're going to confuse our kids. We're going to confuse everybody." But where is Baby Fischer? Because we've talked about Baby Fischer for months now. And I liked the idea, but it just didn't feel right, and so we got to stick with the original name. Because he's Fischer. That's just his name. That's just who he is. That would have been really sweet, but he has your middle name. He does, which is kind of fun. You guys share middle names, which is really sweet because you're Matthew James. It's my dad's middle name, too. And this is Fischer James. Yeah. That's really sweet. Sorry, I'm distracted. There's literally sweat dripping down my armpits. I'm so sorry. The hormone sweats are crazy. How often are you getting those sweats? It just really hits me like. Do you need like an ice pack? Do you want a drink of a cold iced tea? So hot. No. No, you're good. I'm dripping. That does that feel. I'm putting an ice beverage. I need to stick that right between my. Okay, you're okay. It's like that's so bad underneath my armpits, so bad underneath these guys. Bad. I'm impressed that you just got him to fall asleep because before this podcast, he was crying and I could have given him to stop crying and then you just did. You have the special touch, babe. It's the buttpats. The buttpats. Okay. And he just loves his mama. Did you know that a lot of people already knew his name? How? I said I made a video and I was like, there's a baby name hint in this video and everyone thought it. That's literally everyone got it. Well, I feel like we should go back to the beginning. Yes. Back to the day of your due date, where you went into the labor naturally. If I sound so dumb in this podcast, it's because it's just like right now I'm like in a newborn bliss, but also some type of fog has hit my brain. You are not dumb. There's a disconnect. There's an unplug that has a switch needs to be turned back on in my brain. But, um, yeah, I feel like my brain has just been living this day over and over in my head. So this, I should be going to talk about this. I mean, it was just like so crazy. What a whirlwind. Right. I said you went into labor naturally, but technically. Technically no. Yeah, your water was broken for you. Do you want to tell everyone about what happened? So honestly, the day was, the day I turned 40 weeks pregnant and I had a 40 week appointment with my OB that day. And so it worked out because I mean, we slept the whole night, the night before. Took the kids to their like little three hour morning pre-school and each of their different schools. And then we picked, well, okay, so while they're at schools when I had my appointment, but you were going to have to end up picking one of them up. And so I was like, I'll just go by myself. These appointments are super quick. Like if you've had a baby, you know, like at the end when you're going weekly, they basically just are like, okay, but great. Thank you. It looks good. See you next week or not. You know, those are kind of like all those appointments at the end. And so I go by myself and like I just go in. They're like, well, would you like to have your service checked? And I was like, sure, why not? We'll do one final membrane sweep just to see. At this point, I had kind of lost hope of like not like going to the hospital before my induction. At that point, like I was like, it's just not, my body is just not going to do it. And so she goes and then this wasn't even like she hadn't even done like a membrane sweep at this point. She literally just did a cervical check and immediately like there was just like a gush of water. And she goes, oh, I've actually never done that before. But I'm like, she's like, I'm so sorry. I just popped your water and my water just broke everywhere. And it wasn't like a trickle. It was like a gush of fluid. And I was like, you know what? This is actually the best case scenario for me because I would much rather, because that's what my induction was going to be. Like the induction plan was literally like if we got to that point, it was going to be way later on in that night. If we could like originally was supposed to be 3 a.m. Like imagine starting that whole process at 3 a.m. But the plan for the induction was literally just to do just that was to rupture my membranes. And so I was like, well, this is just a million times better because it's now, it's before noon and I got to sleep last night. I got to see my kids this morning. I'm about to go pick them up from school and then maybe we can have this baby before bedtime. Like I was just like, I was just so there's so much like adrenaline released at that point. You know, because then you're like, oh, it's happening and it's like happening now. Yeah. When you called me telling me that your water broke, I was just taking it back because I was like, how dumb am I to not expect for this to happen on the day of the due date. Because I was going to go pick up the boys from school and so we'd agree that I stay back, get the boys from school, you do the doctor's appointment. And we just like both didn't really think through the fact that your water could break or by them doing something with the membrane sweep that that could make me calm and I don't think. Yeah, I don't know. I guess like hindsight's 2020, but you called me and I'm like, how dumb? Like, why am I not there with you right now? Oh, it's fine. I was like not even having contractions at that point. Like it was just, it was like totally fine. Yeah, so- But they gave me like this little tiny pad and I was like, man, I'm just like dripping out of this office and this is like a shared office space. It's not just for like OB and gynecology stuff and I was just like waddling out and they're just, I mean, it's like dripping everywhere. And I'm so excited. I call you, I call, I text every, like all my friends and I call my mom. And because I asked her, I was like, so what do we do? She's like, oh, she's like, well, I guess I'll see. Like she just stopped the appointment there and she's like, okay, well, I guess I'll see what the hospital. And I was like, oh, I gotta go. They were like right now. And she's like, yeah, you gotta be there within two hours. And I was like, oh, okay. And then we were just like, I mean, we're ready. We've been ready for weeks at this point. But for whatever reason, like when it's actually time, you're like, okay, and like we were even planning on going that night. So it was like, we were ready, but it's just so exciting, then. I thought it was funny that you came home and we just took like 20 minutes to eat sandwiches from Jersey mics together because you got a fuel up. I mean, it's, it's so joke. But I mean, I guess we had the bags packed. Things were ready to go. We're a couple of things that we needed to grab for the hospital. But that was just, that was really exciting. So exciting. And like we got to give the kids another hug before we left. I mean, they still kind of went about their day. We were hosting swim lessons at our house that day. I know. Everyone we saw it like we're going to the house. Abby, Abby's like about to give birth and people are coming over to our house for swim lessons. We're just like saying hi to everybody. I love it. Yeah. That was, that was really sweet. Oh, it was so exciting. Yeah. I, I guess we're things kind of took another jump forward as when you threw up in the car. We, you know, we're in our brand new vehicle and it's like, it's, it's one of those things where, you know, I don't know if you ever, if you guys have ever like, you know, gotten a new car, but I love that like new car smell. And then you just, like, completely. Not bad. Of Jack, your A and W. Rupier all over the, the, the, the middle. It's so nice. And so then we're in the hospital parking lot. I'm like using this towel that I had been sitting on so that I wasn't going to get wet from Abby. Like getting the driver seat all wet from her while I was like, Oh, yeah, because there was like a puddle from when I drove home from the open office in the seat. Thank goodness. I had a towel on me, but then I'm just cleaning puke out of the center console in the parking lot of the hospital. Yeah, so you know that car is also going to be sitting in the hot sun for a minute. Yeah. While we're in the, but I think we got all the, I think I got the puke all out. Like, I just had to get some people are like all clicking off right now. They're like, this is disgusting. Where he's talking about it. It's going to get a lot gross. But we just took a hand sanitizer and started spraying it everywhere just to kind of like sanitize and take out the puke smell. But apparently when you throw up, that's a sign of active labor. So that was like, yeah, okay. Also, I should say at this point, I was like starting to have contractions. And I honestly feel like they were kind of close together at this point. Yeah, yeah, but I like they weren't crazy Like I was check like I was able to check in with the lady and it kind of took a while and she was like take a seat and I was like no Okay, I got a stand for just a minute and she's like, oh, okay, and so yeah, which is always so funny and just so America We were sitting like going into labor. They're just like okay like you got to pay for your epidural You got to pay for how many hours you're gonna be here. Are you sure that you want the 24 hour package? And I was like I don't I Sure, I like just let me in this let me go see a nurse, please and so we're waiting and I mean it really wasn't too long But get back to our room. We meet our nurse who was so so so sweet and It was just Go time from there our do-la-kame Rochelle and I don't know at this point I feel like I was in I was like so unaware of how fast things were gonna move from that point Like I'm really glad we didn't wait for the 5-1-1 Which we weren't supposed to anyway because they knew my water had broken but like if I would have waited till my We had five minute-a-part contractions lasting one minute for an hour. Oh My gosh, yeah, you would have given birth at home. I don't know. I don't know what what happened I thought of Salaris you guys I was tracking Abby's contractions on this app on my phone and then the app told me You better go to the hospital. You're probably gonna give this as we're walking the halls of the hospital Yeah, the hospital. So I'm like okay. I guess we're in the right place But I think I think just seeing the speed at which you progressed and the speed at which I thought I was like Going crazy you that's what was weird to me is like Abby This was the first time that I like that I ever saw you have contractions just like where your body made it happen It wasn't induced by patosis. There was no there was no drug making your body contract Yeah, your body was just doing its thing and I think you described it like your body was having an exorcism, right? I felt like there were some exercises. I'm going on Yeah, just just cuz like there was nothing you could do to control it Your body was doing its thing and you couldn't stop it What's so cool though is like how it happens gradually? Like I always say like each contraction like prepares you for the next. Yeah And they like get progressively like more intense and I think that's a great design because then like I was just like It was like it wasn't like it gets to the point where when we were like in transition I was like holy cow like this is getting to be really intense But it's like you're kind of like eased into it if that makes sense Yeah, and so we get there they put me on the monitors and I had told them like my goal is to not use like any type of like induction medications if at all possible and especially because this was They think they call it a tollac attempt to labor after Caesarian just to like reduce some of our risk factors. I was like I don't want to Use any like medical like I didn't I was trying to avoid patosan basically. Yeah And like I don't even know if you can use certain cervical ripening things But we knew we weren't going to probably need that that point because we were already like out of five So we go into the hospital out of five with my roommate membranes ruptured Monored me for a while and then I was like they I think they just counted for 20 minutes and then we start walking Yeah, and things are starting to like pick up as we're walking and like that's when you were like tracking them and Just getting really like this was like really fun and exciting and then by the end of that like I think in my head. I was like they told me they were gonna check me at this point So there's no way I'm gonna like ask for them to check me earlier because I was just like get to that point It was nice to have like a marker like that and so I have my headphones on I'm like listening to music and like you're just like doing your best trying to figure out what to do But I feel like at this point like we were still no, that was sweet I feel like we were like you were hugging me during like contractions and this was like that was something that was super cute Yeah, every time you get a contraction At first you would go to the wall But then you started going to me and just putting your weight on me and I would just hold you. Yeah, I really like that at that point It was like it was kind of like I don't know grounding to have like you right there and so then We go back to the room and then they tell me to lay on that bed and get monitored and that which I understand and like appreciate that They're doing that but laying down then I was like oh, no, no, I hate this so much and so trying to like lay still while they monitored me and the baby was like getting more painful at this point This point not that much time had passed. It had been two hours. I think Yeah, yeah I hadn't had any medication or like they hadn't done anything and so then they're like I don't know if you're gonna want to get up again Like they kind of said that to me and I was being stubborn I was like no because I knew that we had the goal of like being in transition when I got the epidural so I was like I know I'm not in transition yet Because I don't think they checked me at this point They didn't check you but I felt like I would have known if I was in transition and turns out I wasn't but I was pretty dang close because when I stood up I just felt so many different feelings and then I had to go to the bathroom and that's when you really realize oh things are Things are happening down there and but then I was like I'm gonna keep walking because we like I knew that that was gonna be like that was just the plan to stay as active as possible before I got the epidural. Yes Um pretty soon. I just started getting. I think I started just being noisy in the hallway Was I being noisy in the hallway? I mean you were you were going Yeah, that's what it sounded like I was making a scene. I'm embarrassed. I can never watch. I'm not gonna be able to watch that back Why are you afraid to watch the video? I just a little embarrassed Like the noises and stuff. Yes But you're giving birth like you're actively laboring your bodies having contractions trying to push out This eight pound eleven ounce baby Well, I just yeah, I watch other people do it but I'm Embarrassing today's episode is sponsored by the ASPCA Pat Health Insurance program as many of you guys know We have a new addition to our family, but last year we added a furry friend to the fam It's just the best thing our kids get to grow up with the dog. 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Like I think the contractions were one to two minutes apart, super, super, super intense and like, we almost did not make that because I think 30 minutes after they had the epidural in, he was out. - Yeah, I mean keep in mind you guys, this was the quickest labor that Abby's ever had. - No, my body had never, like I took 27 hours. - Well yeah, with your, with our first, it was 27 hours. And then this time around, we're talking six hours, ish, a little over six hours. - From. - Because I think your water broke, well, it depends, we count it from when your water broke or when you start having like active contractions. Because your water broke around 11.40 AM. - Yeah. - And then we got to the hospital, you know, a little bit before what is that, two o'clock? And then baby was here at 6.42 PM. - Yeah, I'd say from when we get to the hospital. - So we're talking four hours, 42 minutes of labor. - And so that's, I mean, that's a great, ideal, amazing. And so we, it was just really exciting at that point because like my doctor comes in, she's like, I really feel like it's time. And she was like, you're out of 10, here we go. We're like, shut the blinds, they turn on the spotlight. And it was just like, I feel like at this point is when I like felt like I couldn't like actually, I felt like I was like, oh my gosh, this is like actually happening. It was just so surreal. - Rewind though for a second because I think there was something, there was a big shift that happened from you having these extremely powerful contractions. - Oh yeah, then it got like really fun. - To you getting the epidural, like, what, what did that shift feel like? - Ecstasy, what's the word bliss? - Yeah, I was like, oh, I mean, I could still feel like my contractions, but oh my gosh, like nothing like they were before I was so happy. That anesthesiologist, that epidural just, you know, can't thank them enough. - It's actually like, just crazy to think that your body's doing all of that without you pushing. You're not, you're not making the contraction - Yeah, your body just knows what to do. - It's happening to you. - It's crazy. But then when you have the epidural, it takes the edge off or it takes the mega edge off. Like, it was that epidural, then I was like talking, which is actually crazy though because even when it was like in the most intense part of it, I felt somewhat normal in between them. And then I felt embarrassed every time because I was like, I was just yelling. So then I felt like I needed to like crack a joke. - Okay, there's no need to feel embarrassed. - Second of all, most women when they get the epidural, like it just, the way it affects their body, they can't move their legs. A lot of people can't like. - Not everybody. - Yeah, I guess not everybody. But for you, it was crazy. Like you can move your legs just fine. You can wiggle your toes, all of that. - I put my own legs in those stir-ups. I'm like, here we go, like what do we have to do? - Yeah. - I remember that the doctor, you know, she was too shocked. There are the nurses shocked that you can move so well, even after the epidural. - Yeah, I don't know. You would have thought I did hard drugs or something. You know what I mean? - Yeah, wait, what did the epidural feel like? Like going in, was it painful? - Yeah, it does kinda hurt going in. - Did it just feel like someone was stabbing you in the back? - Feels like a straw is going in your spine. - A straw? - It feels, I don't know how to explain it actually. - That's kinda freaky actually. - It doesn't feel great. - Like a metal needle. Like did you just feel like there's a. - You feel, you feel like going, I mean, they numb the area. But then you can still feel it going in. But you're like, please do it, do it now. - Yeah. - And do it good, do it, get it right on in there. Like you're so grateful for that. 'Cause that pain is so much less than the contractions. - You're tough. - It was great. And so, no, then I was like having so much fun. And I feel like then I was like, I have the clarity of mind to feel excited for like this huge moment that's about to happen. Which was like our goal the time I said my birth plan is to have fun. And then the fun started 30 minutes before he came. And I felt like that time I was literally like able to just be like, we're about to meet our son. And I'm gonna cry because I'm so hormonal. But like getting to, like, I'm so grateful for that time because I was like, these were the last moments before we meet him. And like having that like relief helped me process that. And so she came in at, what was it? 6.45? - No before that because he was born at 6.42. He was, I thought he was born at 6.52. - I think you're 6.42. - Okay, either way. Someone, she comes in and she's like, okay, here we go. And then so part of our birth plan too was for Matt to catch the baby. And I say catch, but like not deliver either, but just like, you know, be able to like be some of the first hands that like put him on my chest. Obviously with the doctor's serious assistance. So you glove up and then it was go time and then we had two contractions and then buddy was out. - I don't know how you pushed him out that quickly. Two pushes, you guys, two pushes. - It was such a blessing. Like it was just, we got, it was just. - And on the first push I could see his head. - Yeah, he was right there. - Yeah, that's crazy. - Abby actually pushed him out so quickly that poor buddy came out with bruises on his face. Cause he had like just like smacked into every bone down there on the way out. I mean, there's, I think it was good that you just got him out quickly. Like you don't, you don't wanna have a baby just hanging out there. - But I was like that has to hurt. - Oh yeah, but I mean. - That makes me sad. - He's doing great. - Yeah, so he actually came out a little too fast. So his face got pretty bruised. - Yeah. - And they had to put a sign on his little bass in it. - Yeah. - That was like, I'm okay, I'm just a little bruised from making my grand entrance. Because I think that they were a little concerned that nurse's coming in as they should be would think that he's not getting enough oxygen because his poor face was purple. I was sad. Like gosh, he came out fast, but he's moving that far. Like, I don't know, that was wild. So he, and so we had our success full V back, but how, I mean, we were kind of like talking about this. It was successful because he was delivered vaginally, but we did have the same complication that we had the first time that resulted in our C section the second time because he tricked us. - He did trick us. We thought he was gonna be a little bitty guy, maybe seven pounds, but he weighed in at eight pounds, 11 ounces on 8/11, August 11th, which, what are the chances? The, one of the nurses actually was making a guess of like what she thought about the first thing. - And I thought there was no way, I was like, no, we had so many scans. And usually I know that those, they always tell you, they're like, this is our best way of figuring it. They're not the most accurate, but usually I feel like they're always telling you like, you're gonna have a 10 pound baby and you have a seven pound baby. - Yeah, it was funny though, 'cause people were putting in their guesses and then somebody goes, wait, what if he's 8/11 on 8/11? And sure enough, that's what he was. - He was 8/11. And so we did have like a less severe shoulder dystopia. And so I don't even know what our doctor did because she's just so professional and like, she was just so calm and under control. But she did tell you right before we pushed, 'cause we knew that this was like one of our risk factors. Like if it gets hairy, just step away. - Totally, and that's what I did. - And so we could tell that the same thing was happening 'cause his head was out and then I could tell that there was a complication there in social media. Just stepped away and they did some, some, some. - Did some different maneuvers. - Did some, some. - I was not able to deliver him because of the shoulder dystopia. - Everyone was very calm. - Yeah. - I was concerned. - I mean, am I saying that incorrectly catch him? I was supposed to catch him. - Yeah, yeah. - Yeah, you're the one delivering the baby. But. - No, I mean, I feel like the doctor's the one delivering the baby. - Anyway, it was just surreal. It was such a happy moment. I was really happy because I did not see you in nearly as much pain as you were with the first natural birth, you know? When Abby delivered Vagely the first time. - I don't even say that too, it's fine. - When Abby delivered Vagely the first time, it was just so traumatic, so bloody, so horrible. I just felt, I just felt horrible for her. I just, there was nothing I could do about it at all. So this time seeing it be so seamless and quick and you weren't obviously in pain, but not like, not just like torturous excruciating, you know, medieval torture device pain that I saw from before. It was just way better. So I was just so happy. happy for you. It was crazy how like all of our hopes like for this birth were just met so perfectly because like the whole time it was like we really hope that the epidural works and it did. Yeah. We hope that it will come naturally. I'm counting this as naturally. No, no induction medications like no patosin to get it out. We didn't even have a induct, we didn't show for an induction either. That's right. It just didn't happen just the way we thought but it's really did. And the induction. Yeah, you guys, the induction was scheduled for 9 p.m. on the 11th and all this happened, you know, way before. And that's only if there's beds available, you know what I mean? It could have been, it could have been way later. Yes, I was just so happy that you got the V-back that you wanted. We got our baby after you'd been pregnant for like a year essentially. Yeah. After the miscarriage, that was awful. That was horrible. Yeah. And so everything happening the way it did. Oh, I was just so so thankful. So blessed. Could not be happier. Yeah. And this is where I'm going to cry. But so yes, it was like a successful like V-back. But then we keep saying like the word redemptive keeps coming up because for me, like the redemption part of the story just really comes in. I don't want to talk about this too long because I feel like I haven't even collected my own thoughts like enough about this. Like there's just so much to it. But this is just I'll just share like a little snapshot of like how I'm feeling about this birth post loss. I don't want to speak for all moms, all lost moms. But for me at least like you've lost if you've lost a baby, like you've lost the privilege of any of this ever feeling casual. Yeah. Again. Not that it ever felt like I think casual. I don't know the word for it, but like there's a certain element that can just feel like yeah, I guess casual. Like just like we've talked before like blissfully ignorant of like what things can look like when they go the worst way imaginable. And so I had a lot of fear going into this bird knowing that I was going to the same hospital where we delivered our daughter knowing that I could be in the same exact room where we stared across at an empty incubator knowing that nobody was going to go in there. And just like even had a lot of fear that I was going to go into labor at the same time of day and see the same thing as I'm walking into the hospital, see the same like lighting, see like I just had like a lot of fears of like walking down the hallway and just had so many bad associations with that space and like the birth experience because that was a birth. It wasn't my birth, but it was birth. And so I just had like a lot of a lot of fear and just a lot of I don't know. It was so weighty going in. And so I was so grateful that the sun was shining. A room was oriented totally the other way. And it just felt like a completely different day. They had fetal monitoring on and I was just like up and moving and there was a lot of excitement. And so that's where the redemption comes from. It's like it's not that we were like rewriting that story of that experience, but we were writing a new one where there was like life and hope. And also just like a deeper reverence for this experience, this beautiful, beautiful experience, like what it can be because like fully shaped by the story that we had with Emerson. So yeah, I'll probably have a better, I'll probably be able to articulate my thoughts more about like having a rainbow maybe like later on, but like every every step of this birth story was like shaped by Emerson's story. You're doing so good. And so that also just made everything so much more beautiful like and just so much more precious. Nothing like this, I will like will ever be casual again, like it will always, it will always be a miracle. And so no matter how it happened, just like having you here and I'm like, yes, it's amazing that everything worked out like textbook like we wanted, but like just having every like just having him there on my chest like I just couldn't stop saying I'm so glad you're here because there's just no other words. It's really scary. Yeah, it was really scary. I didn't want to voice, I didn't want to voice the you know the negative thoughts, but like I would be lying if if I said I didn't have those thoughts of like what if it all happens again? What if the exact same thing that happened last September repeats and that like that terrified me. So I didn't even want to like let my brain think about that. So I just tried to think like push all the negatives ideas out and because I don't know what and I don't know what we would have done. I don't know I don't know what you do. I don't know what people who have experienced two consecutive miscarriages or in this case would have been a stillbirth. So that was terrifying. So I was just so so happy that it all worked out really like it felt it felt like a movie. It was like it was like a just this like movie moment of yeah you getting to hold our beautiful little boy after all the hell that you went through last year and yeah I just I don't know what we would have done. I mean I know we would have figured out a way to get through it. Because if there's anything that you learn from like devastating situations is that there's life after them. Yeah. Like as much as like it doesn't feel like they're it there can possibly be in like really dark days. Like there is life after. Now there's still hope. Yeah. For the like it something like this you know I feel like if I could just show if I could have just shown oh my gosh like I'll take as much time as you need it. I feel like I probably wouldn't cry this much if I wasn't hormonal. Yeah I'm like every it's a lot um it's worthy of tears. If I could have just shown even just that picture we posted on Instagram like that one snapshot. Yeah to myself last September. Yes. That would have just I felt impossible at that point. So to see that that would have like been so crazy but you don't have that privilege you know. And so that's why pregnancy after loss is so hardest because you just don't know you don't know and you're more aware than you ever ever should have to be that you don't know what's going to happen. Yeah. And so that sigh of relief when the doctor put him on my chest is like a is a feeling that I cannot I don't have words for it's just the biggest relief. And he's been such such a good baby such a sweet baby such a chill baby chillest baby we've ever had. Chillest baby we've ever had. We've we've had some wild ones and we love them. Yeah we love them so much they you know drove us crazy in the night when we got up for the 50th time. It was worth it every time. Oh yeah. And I mean we're certainly waking up in the night but it's just oh yeah. He's been such a gift and this whole experience was such such a gift gosh and it was so sweet because we did we had him by bedtime so big brothers got to see him and hold was so funny is that like our whole we have such a sweet close-knit family. We talk about our family all the time. Yeah. They were there like literally minutes after his grand entrance and they came in the labor and delivery room. It wasn't like the postpartum room like they were the labor and delivery. I made a group chat and so within I think it was like five or ten minutes from from when you gave birth. I went ahead and messaged the photo to everybody and then boom like everyone just dashed over and within I think within like 30 minutes or an hour we had your parents in the room our boys even showed up wearing big bro t-shirts which is so cute. Your brother was the first one to show up really sweet. Yeah like when the first one there and Addy came and it was just so so sweet so sweet and I loved like you just had this this like newborn like just gave birth high like it was like it was like it was like some sort of like you fork high that you were experiencing with yeah with holding him after word and that that was just so sweet to witness yeah sweating again sweating a lot you're sweating the postpartum sweats were just hit yeah sweating a lot but yeah it was so so sweet just like the brothers coming like our whole family. just in there and then, yeah, adjusting to life with three boys started right then in there. Yeah. Yeah. I think there's a lot of emotions from everybody. I mean, our boys were just, I think curious more than anything. Yeah. Is this really him? He's the baby that was in Mommy's belly and just, you know, they wanted a whole thing. I've been asked so many times by them if there's another baby in there. Yeah. They're like, is there a baby in there? They're like, but it's big. And I'm like, yeah. Yeah. They don't go down, maybe. Kids never, like, sees to humble you. Yeah. They notice that my boobs are bigger so that they're like, is there a baby in there? They actually ask that. I just think there's a lot of confusion. I didn't hear the best. Yeah. That's funny. So, you know, they're just humbling us. Thank you to Upwork for sponsoring this portion of today's episode. I'm a huge fan of Upwork. I've actually used the platform before to find contractors to help us. The most successful business owners don't do it all themselves. To delegate, Upwork lets you build a team of highly skilled specialists for every function your business needs. So you can focus on what you do best and let experts handle the rest. Upwork gives your business fast access to highly skilled specialists with deep expertise. So you can fill critical skill gaps, launch projects faster and scale support up without committing to full-time headcount. 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They have more than 150 providers with 200 plus specialties across all 50 states. It's happened fast, usually within 24 to 72 hours and you can even score same day appointments. You can find and search doctors that are in your network and take your insurance, trying to understand my insurance and connect me with a doctor that is accepted by my insurance and ZopDop makes that so seamless and user friendly. Your health matters and taking care of yourself shouldn't be complicated. Find and book the right doctor with ZopDop. Head to ZopDop.com/unblan to get started and check that appointment off your to-do list. Head to ZopDoc.com/unplanned. My favorite, I think it was Auggie wanted to hold Fisher really, really bad and then he's holding him for like 10 seconds and goes, "Can you get him off me?" Yeah, that's mostly what happens. Can you take him away? But we kind of have just been like following their lead. I feel like with that type of thing and like whenever they interact with him, which they do, they like sing to him, try to peek a boo, they asked to hold him. We just kind of like take their lead on things and there was certainly some emotional shifts from both of them that like kind of surprised us a little bit and so and I felt like a little bit guilty about it and so you like left right after because our kids really needed you, our big boys really needed you to put them to bed and I was like, "Yes, go, we're okay over here." That sounds bad. Our oldest was like so upset that we weren't putting him down for bed. I don't think it sounds bad that she would happen. No, I was like, they were just like sad that our routine was different that night. I guess one of our friends, their husband like literally left for the entire night to go be with their first horn. Yeah, because it's a big deal for bigger siblings. Yeah. Especially when they're more away or like four and three. Yeah, and when you're like a three-year-old, just you know, tantrums hit, emotional. They were really sleepy. Yeah. But there's just a lot of change happening and so it's like we feel like a lot of emotions from all the change happening, like of course they do too. Yeah, so to try to make the transition as smooth as possible for our four-year-old and our three-year-old, I left for like an hour or two hours to go put them down for bed. Yeah, not even two hours, but mom stayed with me. Came back, just traded positions with your mom. Once the boys were asleep and your dad was at the house with them because your parents spent the night at our house that our kids could, you know, keep their own beds as much as possible. Sleeping their own beds at night. And then you took them to school the next morning. Yeah, woke up the next morning at 7.30 and that night, you know, really wasn't too bad. The first night, I feel like it's always the worst, you know, there's so much exhaustion after everything, especially for you freaking giving birth, like it's just a crazy whirlwind. So that first night can be crazy, but really wasn't, you know, we didn't get up that month. I think there's some free times. Maybe that we got up in the night? Yeah. Maybe four? I don't know. Yeah. But left at 7.30, dropped him off, dropped both boys off at school. I think we learned that like maybe we adjusted our postpartum plan more than we thought just because it was clear that our sons just needed that. Yeah. They needed to be in their own house and they needed to have you to come back. Like if it all possible to like meet their, like to tuck them in to take them to school, to pick them up from school, they needed that like consistency and they needed it from like one of us. And obviously I couldn't leave the hospital. So I was really grateful that you like, we were stable and my mom came to be with me and you like were able to take care of the two older boys and they, that really helped them a lot and it worked out great because I was like, I'm just snuggling like this little baby and I felt pretty good, like especially, you could pick him paired to the recovery like post-e section. I felt pretty good. And so yeah, that, that was great. We had a lot of visitors at the hospital. So many visitors. My brother, my sister-in-law, your, my niece and nephew. Oh yeah, niece and nephew, your, your, your friends Val and Caitlin who did a cameo on the way to here. And you're always here podcast, they came to visit, which was really, yeah. They actually came right after they filmed that. No way. Yeah. That's actually funny. And so they stopped by after filming that, which was so sweet of them and my parents came again. They brought the boys again and 24 hours later, we were released, released. Which is such a relief because I feel like I, I was starting to get those day two baby blues. I thought it was funny to get it released from the hospital, you guys. We had to like sign paperwork and stuff, which makes sense. But because we have a health share and we do self pay and the, the health share, like reimburses for stuff afterward, I had to go have a conversation with like the finance people or whatever. And they're like, all right, your, you know, your total is, you know, this much. And then they said, but that doesn't cover the doctor or the anesthesiologist, like it doesn't pay for, for that person, it doesn't pay for the OB, it doesn't, and they gave, like, we thought we were like paid in full and they like, no, we know better now. They hit you with like, you owe four other people money for the first, so make it as confusing as possible. It's always funny. Whenever we talk about like medical stuff, we always get tons of Canadians and Europeans and they're like, this is ridiculous, I can't believe that it costs that much money to have a baby. I mean, it is pretty wild. Yeah. But we got released and then I immediately felt so much better. And then we needed, I like absolutely needed the kids to stay like our whole plan postpartum kind of got readjusted because I was like, I need all my kids. I need my whole family under one roof right now. Yeah. Well, I think it was actually very enlightening because when I would go to the bathroom, they had like statistics on the wall about like postpartum and one of them was that 80% of moms experienced postpartum blues, not postpartum depression, but like baby blues just for a little bit after having the baby. Yeah, they said like it's like three weeks, three days to three weeks. Yeah, and it's, it's very common, like literally the majority of women experience this. It's a huge shift. And so you were already really opening up to me about that and that's when you kind of realized, I think I need like more people, I want to be, I mean, my kids all here, I mean, my friends here, I mean, my family here, because initially the kids were going to go spend the night with your parents. No, no, no. But then you're like, no, I want my parents to spend the night at my house. I want my kids to spend the night at my, so then we just ended up having a movie party. Yeah. We hyped it up to the boys. We're like, guys, guess what? We're going to have a movie party tonight when it turn on, turn on Aladdin. Honey's going to be there. God's going to be there. And so I'm sure for you that that was like extremely helpful, uplifting. Our friend came and brought us pizza and then every night since we have had friends and family bringing us meals with a meal train and like basically anyone that offers to come in. I'm like, please actually just eat dinner with us and bring your kids, bring your whole family. And I know that's not everybody's preference. But like that has been helping me like so much, like yeah, and it's been so sweet. Well, because postpartum can be very isolated. Totally. So having everybody come, dine with us and hang out and their kids play with our kids. Yes. It just makes our house feel like it's full of life, you know? Yeah. Yes. Exactly. the first night. Well, I guess that that first night our friend's angel, angel and maf brought us food but then the first night that we had people like actually dying with us was like an adi they brought us food then with briel yes with briel then then your parents some like were in there somewhere so I know your parents have like spent a ton of time with us and then we've had my brother and my sister-in-law Caleb and Abby we've had Caitlin and Bennett Caitlin who you guys are gonna meet from the always here podcast so many people in our life have just been coming over hanging out with us and that's what Abby wanted just to feel feel the impact of our community which when I thought I thought about this baby for the podcast we didn't have the community that we have now with Griffin or Oggy no we did not there there wasn't like I don't know if we had a meal trade did we know like that was just that was kind of all on us I mean we had some friends that were like so nice that just decided to make us food or yeah we had people to show up but this is like entirely different honestly yeah it's just the community's grown to be so much more than it was before yeah and it's been such a blessing and it honestly makes everything about this experience has just been so different because of yeah and I'm just so grateful like I can't even put to words like the gratitude I feel and so yeah this is just like my best advice is that like build out your community I know that sounds like so easier said than done basically but like it starts with serving and it starts with just like making yourself uncomfortable for other people and I know that that can be like a little bit I don't know there's there's conflicting messages out there you know in culture right now about that but like it has just been it's like you don't give to get but like this is what that that's what community community is you know and it's just like just showing up and just that I cannot tell you how so many people have shown up for us and it's just can continue to show up for us and I'm just so so so grateful like even just like thinking of like getting things for our kids or like can I take your kids and like we'll play with them and then I'm like yeah but let me come to like so it's just been entirely different and just so grateful yeah you've been doing great I mean you've been getting out of the house we just had a date today and got some brunch together yeah with our little third wheel first date with our third wheel Fisher so that was fun and I think you know just getting getting out and being about has been amazing yes and I guess we just really weren't able to do that because you had a C section last time which that recovery was horrible I mean that just that recovery was I mean it wasn't horrible but it looks a lot different yeah like you don't have as like you can't drive I couldn't I wouldn't have been able to take into its doctor's appointment yeah like I couldn't lift like his car seat things like that like really grateful for this type of recovery process for sure now granted you're still in pain like you're still yeah you're still sore down there you literally just pushed a baby out of there a week ago I still can't believe that like the fact there's stitches in places the fact that you like that that entire human was inside your body this time a week ago at the time of recording this that just like that blows my mind it's so crazy like I said such such a miracle you did oh I think we forgot to mention you did have a second degree second degree tear yeah we did once again I was kind of planning on that honestly that was also in the birth plan but I guess that's what they want right like I noticed I could see her like pushing down well to force the tear down because you don't want it tearing up huh you don't want that tear to go no vertically thank you to yodo for sponsoring this portion of today's episode as a parent sometimes you just need a few uninterrupted minutes and screens can be an easy answer but we have become the huge fans of yodo you guys we've been recently catching our toddlers in the bathroom listening to your yodo yeah I love how they have the autonomy to choose the story that they want to listen to and the yodo is a screen free audio player for kids aged three to 12 that brings stories music learning and imagination together and one simple device kids just pop in the audio card and like Matt said they can take the lead themselves no cameras no microphones no ads just their own imagination running the show with more than 1,300 audio cards including stories in Spanish and French there's something for every age and interest I know our boys specifically love the Paw Patrol stories the reason Yodo has become such a big part of our routine it's because our kids genuinely love it if you're looking for a gift they'll actually use and enjoy head to yotoplay.com that's Y-O-T-O and use our code unplanned to save 10% off all eligible items add a little more imagination and a little less screen time to your families day with Yodo. Thank you Yodo for sponsoring this episode. But oh yeah and breastfeeding has been like pretty good yeah why are you saying that? lots of milk. Abby guys okay just just to fill you in okay we have a court okay four cups that's how big this container is it's a it's a milk holder I'm sure most women's a milk holder you know might might fill this thing up over the course of a week every day Abby fills this thing up with plus our balls yes so she's she's feeding she her milk supplies insane so she's feeding Fisher on one breast and on the other one has the Haka and that excess milk fills up a court every single day so we have multiple gallons of milk already multiple gallons frozen it is wild well okay let me do them by the time that we have to I think we have two gallons of milk we've got two gallons of breast milk it's been six almost seven days which is why I'm milk didn't even come in for like three or forty I might be spreading the truth a bit okay it's definitely it's close to two gallon here's the thing it doesn't really matter we have a lot of milk and there's like I'm this is I like this like people are like oh you need to like limit that extra I'm like no I it makes me feel safe to have like extra milk like I may I enjoy this it's a blessing what did you say to the lactation consultant when she told you not to use a nipple shield didn't say anything I was just like noted well she's like well it's a barrier I was like I I want a little barrier like I got to have I love the snuggles but like tone for me I don't need that but you know what I I admire everyone's process yeah you guys Abby stuck to her guns she brought we brought we had the frozen colostrum with us at the hospital any time we had to you know give a little extra I'm so glad we had that we just got out the colostrum that was frozen in the freezer and in Buella it was right there we didn't need to use any formula no supplementation with formula at all period yes period we followed her rules oh the one rule though we had a revised was the one about me telling like Abby encouraging words when she was having a contraction she was just like stop talking I don't want to hear you say not like I mean something along those lines yeah it's what you said you're like just shut up I was not did I say that you tell me shut up okay you you just said like please have a contraction right here I don't think I said words I think I was like no and it was so great that we had her doula too I I also need to say that like oh yeah her there was so good and just gave us like just so much more support that like we had great nurses but you never know we already get and she was amazing to have there and she got us culverse she got us culverse and Blake and I got we had double culverse double culverse which was amazing yes I mean I was so hungry and oh what I loved about the doula is sometimes I was like I know I'm supposed to say something right now but I don't know what to say I don't want to say the wrong thing and then she she like she coach you like she she was like a she was an expert birth person she just knew what to say really and she was like helping you know because I could hear her like telling you like she's in transition now like yeah she was filling me in on like what was happening yeah and she's like do this do this like she was kind of coaching you and then also she like helped me a lot like when things were really intense she's like put her hand on my knee and it was like felt so like oh my gosh okay like someone's here like I don't know I didn't really want to be touched but then that felt really good I mean obviously she just has been at so many births she knows what to do and Abby's doula is trained in placenta encapsulation yeah that's right so I am currently in the process of turning Abby's placenta into edible pills that Abby's going to have so so far let me let me let you guys know how that is I've been vlogging the whole process is gonna be a whole TikTok that I post of me dehydrating your placenta chopping it up I made a little heart oh I'm excited to show you a little heart I made you like a heart out of your the umbilical cord so that's not post that okay well I don't get like flagged as like sensitive content off to be creative organ it is an organ but there's other people that make placenta encapsulation videos on TikTok oh yeah no so I'm I'm doing it I actually who was funny atty so I did it myself so she actually just like verbally walked me through it and I did it so I I was the one that I so what I did - I first, she's been formally drained. - We didn't tell them that Matt was gonna do it with the doula. - To be fair, to be fair, because I was going so freaking slow, she did have to do some things herself, 'cause it was like, okay, I'm taking a million years to-- - Plus your first time there. - Divide up the placenta, but yeah, I first start off by cleaning it, and then after cleaning it, I like sanitized it with, I think it was vinegar, and then I chopped it up in the little pieces to put into hydrator trays, and then it dehydrated for 24 hours, and then-- - This was right before we went and looked at your house. - This is what I did. - That he went straight from there. That's why he drove separate. - Yeah, the reason I drove-- - People can see my face on-- - Yo, I did it, yeah. It's all on video too, and then next, I'm going back over, I think in like two days, to literally blend up the dehydrated placenta to put it into pills. - No, no, no, you have to be certified to do it. - Yeah, so she-- - He just wanted to be there. Yeah, no, it's not normal. - Totally. - No, you cannot do this on your own. - I thought it would be-- - I think you brought this into your kitchen. - No, that would be not okay. - No, because she told us that she does it herself, and I was like, there's no way. I'm like, you got to teach me, like I want to learn. So I'm not like certified to do it, but-- - You have to be certified, we should say that. - Yeah, but she did it. And so she was like-- - Also, with the caveat. There's probably going to be somebody in the comments that's like, hey, eating your placenta actually doesn't have like scientific backing. - You're right. - And there's not like, there's not firm evidence on it. So it's all based off of women's experiences. Women who have said, okay, I ate my placenta. It really helped me with postpartum depression, whatever. So it's all based off personal experience. - Okay, and also, there hasn't been like clear clinical research to back it up, but we thought like, dude, there's some great vitamins and minerals in there. Come on. - We're the only mammals that don't eat our placenta. - Jack check that. - Until now, Abby's eating the placenta, guys. - No, I'm not the first human that's ever done that. - Yeah, I'm proud of you for doing that. That's pretty dope. That's because I got a sick actually, that's awesome. - I mean, I'm not eating it. I'm taking it in a pill form. - In a pill form, and it's been dehydrated. - Is that true, buddy? - There are no more exceptions. So it's the aquatic mammals. - Well, how are they gonna do it? It's gonna float away. - That is kind of crazy if you think about it. Like, this is an organ that your body grew. - People are also not following up with these mammals about their mental health. And so I like to think that they're also fighting baby blues. - That's a good point. I wanna know how, I wanna see what mental health looks like from a monkey before and after the ether placenta. - Yes. - Mother dogs. (laughing) - Dogs do it. Do dog ether placenta? - Yes they do. Check that. - In other news, Abbie has been going around and showing her friends pictures of her boobs. - Dogs ether placenta. I have. - Abbie, Abbie at the trampoline park the other day is like, she's like, "Hey friends, look at this." - Well, you know what? It's been a topic of conversation I didn't. I just, I asked them beforehand. - It is crazier that it's bigger than your butt at this point. - Every time you say that, why are you always shocked? - You know, it's just impressive. It's honestly, I'm amazed. - It's really, it's too much. - Well, this whole past week, it's been a whirlwind babe, but I feel like a lot of people are probably wondering how your mental health is doing after everything. - So good for, comparatively to like all my, like other postpartum experiences. Like I feel like, so, I don't know, maybe like the third time around is the charm. We've learned from different experiences. So in the hospital, they did a really good job of like educating, I will say, like those videos they had us watch about like postpartum depression versus like anxiety versus like baby blues. Like I feel like that education really, like solidified in my head, like in the past, like I was just having baby blues pretty significantly. Like I especially got them at the at sundown and like it just starts to feel like, you know, it's just a hormonal sad, like ups and downs and that's exactly how I felt, especially. Well, honestly really strong, the first and second time. This time around, like I feel so much better. That doesn't mean that I don't still feel like those, like hormonal highs and lows. I definitely do, but just like, whereas like say the roller coaster was like up here and down here, both times, I feel like we're operating at like this type of curve, if that makes sense. - It was really sweet because I went on a run a couple of days ago and I get home from the run and you're in the playroom with the boys. They're, you know, building stuff with their magnetiles. You're nursing, Fisher, and you just started crying because you were so happy. And you literally said to me, you go, this is my dream. This is what you said, it was just so sweet. - See, now I'm gonna cry again. But I've just been, like I've just been so happy. Like I'm just so happy. - Yeah, that makes me happy. - Yeah, so happy. And so that doesn't mean that there's like not times where I'm like, oh my gosh, like life will never feel normal again. Like that's more so like how baby blues hits me as I'm like, oh my gosh, like life will never feel normal again. But then you just always, it always comes back around. It always feels normal again. But there's just been so much happiness and addition to that. That it's like been so much more manageable. - And it's so cool to look at our three and four year old and know that that's what this little guy's gonna do. - I know. And I also think. - Because they're so freaking cute. They're so cute. They're the cutest, I just want to squeeze them. - The things that they say are so funny too. And I think that also just makes like the third time around. Like it's just, it keeps getting more special because you just, like when that baby is born, you know like you know there is so much good to come. Like so many good memories to make together. And it's just the beginning. And so yeah, having that perspective has also shaped like my mental health experience, like in the past. And I also have so many people checking in on my mental health, which is really, really sweet. And like I just, yeah, I feel kind of like, yes, like I feel like it's so, it's so, I think that's just the part of it. Like we just need to talk about it more. And so yeah, I just feel so supported. I feel so grateful, so happy. Like so, there's so much positive that it has like made the baby blues like so much more steady. - I think there's so many factors at play. - There's no way to escape the hormones though. - One, last time, last time you were going through this postpartum thing, you had just had a freaking C section. - Yeah. - Your body was doing the most recovery. I mean like, I don't think people, nobody can understand how intense a C section is until they go through it. Like it's just, yeah to see that. - And I had a fairly easy recovery compared to some, like it's a major surgery. - The cut open your, your stomach. - Yeah. - All of those intestines are like pulled out so that they can take the baby out anyway. So yeah, this time, you're not recovering, like you're recovering from the regular birth, which is still, it's so intense. - Yeah. - But the newborn, we have an easier newborn than before. - Yeah. - So we're not waking up as much in the night. You've got an incredible community. And then what was the other thing? Oh, we don't have another baby 'cause our boys are-- - Oh yeah, the age gap also made this smoother, I believe. - Yeah, 'cause we had another kid in diapers last time. So it's like, I'm just, I'm so happy that it's been a lot better of an experience. - Yeah, and also we're just more seasoned parents for that to make sense. - It is kind of like, like we're on autopilot in a way. - Yeah, like we, that experience has also just made, like for instance, for me, like his, like him getting him crying. I feel like I'm able to talk to the kids, like our bigger boys about it, in a way that I like wish that I could have told myself the first time I'm like, this is just how babies communicate that they have a need that we need to meet. Whereas like before, that like, like our babies crying would like spiral me. - Yeah. - And so like, it felt like I couldn't even think clearly because I was just like so concerned. And so there's just like a lot more like experience that has like shaped me that I think we know how to operate as a team with a newborn and then also just like having our bigger boys too to like keep us moving, keep us getting out of the house. That has also just been like really good because that's the biggest thing for me with baby blues like feeling like, oh my gosh, life will never return to normal. I'll never do the things I did before. I'll never want to do the things I wanted to do before. And like life as I know it is just unraveling. And so like knowing that like they're a constant for me and I'm their constant for them. Like it's just like, it feels like if our family's like an ecosystem, like his, like him adding, adding fish to like our family has just felt so natural. And like. relatively seamless. I don't know. It's been it's been so good. And I'm just so grateful. It's been hard. Like it's never easy to have a baby. It's never easy to teach a baby how to eat from your body. Like it's never easy to like have multiple wakeups in the night. It's never easy to heal from birth. But like this has been such a blessed experience. Yeah, I think the caveat we we do mention is we still, you know, we're getting up two to three times the night with Fisher. We have a kid probably waking up twice in the night. Yeah, that's a spooky nightmare. You know, so that that's like an addition to the wakeups for the newborn. And then we also have a three-year-old that keeps getting out of bed around, you know, nine o'clock, ten o'clock, especially if he's had like a longer nap that day and he's having trouble falling asleep. So it's still not easy. It's a little bit just spooky to go to bed knowing that like three different. Yeah, it's three different humans could be waking you up and will probably be waking up at different times. And going to bed knowing that you're not sleeping through the night. You're gonna wake up, you know, three, maybe four times. Yeah. But, you know, it's it's so much better. I've gotten so much more used to that though. Yeah. Like it's just like, oh, that's that's the thing that happens in this season of life. Totally. And I think that also just we know how fast it goes that it's like, and this is just a snapshot. Yeah. And life will totally different a year from now and a year and this year will fly. And and we're gonna miss it. Like and so there's just like that perspective that you have to like after all of like the experiences we've had. Like that perspective shift is like crazy and cool. But yeah, wow. Well, if you found this episode in some way encouraging or uplifting, please don't be afraid to share it with somebody that maybe has gone through something similar like we have so that they can know, hey, there's light at the end of the tunnel for you. Your story doesn't have to end with, you know, it doesn't have to end in miscare. It doesn't have to end in this horrible thing. And there's there's hope. And so I think especially to like after after having two really tough newborns. Obviously, we've only been with this newborn for a week, but he's been the chillest newborn that we've had. I mean, he's literally he's not crying right now. He's he hasn't cried this entire podcast. We he's so sleepy. That's the thing. He's sleeping. He's a good sleeper. He could wake up next week and be roaring like a lion. Yeah. That'd be okay too. But I babe, I just gotta say I'm so proud of you. Thanks. Seeing you just mother and and I'm proud of myself. You should be proud of yourself. You're you're crushing it. I mean, you I saw you push a baby out last week. That was so epic. That was legendary. Yes. And that was game day. And it's just it's sweet because I know this is something that you've been looking forward to. So literally since you were a kid, you just you always knew that you wanted to be a mom. Yeah. Oh, we're gonna cry again. And and here we are. Like you're we have a we have a family of five now. It's so cool. Just like to just really feel like you're like living your purpose. Yeah. And like this. And I'm just so grateful that I get to. It's such a blessing. You're crying. I like love being a mom like literally so much. You're so good at it. I'm addicted to it. You're addicted. I like I like love love this. I love all this. I love you. Oh, wait, this is really what I wanted to say. I actually was like, if I say one thing on this podcast, I really want to say this. So frick, I hate that I'm saying it out the end. So move it. What is it? Move this to beginning. No, we'll clip it. We'll make a clip out of it. Move it to wherever people will hear it. But like if you're listening to this, I want to say thank you so much because this is why I get to spend. So I get to spend so much time and focus my energy on my favorite thing, which is my kids and my family. And the privilege is not lost. I'll be that I get to have this flexibility that I get to call this work while I'm holding my baby that I get to adjust my schedule. So I can drop my kids off at preschool and pick them up and wake up with them in the mornings and put them to bed at night. And I know that's not the reality for a lot of moms. And that breaks my heart. And I just want you to know that like because of your viewership, I get to like literally live this dream. And so like, so grateful for the podcast. I'm so grateful for our audience and for this like opportunity to have a platform. But ultimately, I'm grateful because of this like the life that it has given me with my children and with my husband. So like I just I just I that thought has not left my mind for the past like seven days. And I just really want to make sure that like you heard this like you listening to this hurt this because yeah, it's never been about like like followers engagement. It's been about this. And so thank you. This is like a, this is a gift that just like is utterly priceless. And what a privilege like seriously. So I just want to say that because I literally just haven't stopped thinking about that. Haven't told me about that. So thanks. But that wherever people hear you said that beautifully. Yeah, that was beautiful. Thank you. I love you. I gotta go. I really didn't think this was supposed to be like happy. You know, and I think I'm like so happy that it makes me cry. But here we go. Wrap it up. Thanks guys. Thanks guys. We'll see you in the next episode. Thank you guys. We love you. Bye.