MBMBaM 825: I Ain’t ’Fredo No Toast

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mention only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? One, two, three, four! It's the start of something beautiful. A small acquaintance has blossomed, it's ripened into a precious friendship. I could have never seen what was coming for me. Hangs at the skate park, hangs by the beach. My life, it feels like. My life, ah, it's better, it's better with you. My life, ah, it's better. It's better with you. This is true, ah, it's better, it's better with two. My life, ah, it's better with you. Hello, everybody, and welcome to My Brother, My Brother and Me, an advice show for the modern era. I'm your oldest brother, Justin McElroy. What's up, Trav Nation? It's me, Aaron Millis, mother of Travis Big Dog, Wolf of Vroom Vroom, the heater, award-winning McElroy. It's me, sweet baby brother, Griffin. 30 Under 30, media luminary, McElroy. Wrap those belts around your textbooks, tighten them up, polish the apples. Polish Papa's apples today, because we're getting back into school, and we're just three cool teens ready to hit you guys up with some cool tips on how to get ready and take over the new dog house. What's the hottest backpack of the year? A garbage bag. Slung over your shoulder like Santa. That's cool. I was surprised, too. Yeah. I like Travis's thing, actually. Get rid of backpacks entirely. Belt around the books. Whatever happened to belt around the books? Belt around the books and individual chalkboards for everyone to write their answers on. Paper is expensive. You know what I mean? Little chalkboards, yes. Little chalkboards for everybody. You can't meet the certain somebody you're dreams if you can't carry their books home. Can't carry their books home if they have a backpack. That's wild. Can I carry your books home? I have a backpack. That would be, what would you, you'd look like some sort of camel. I can't allow it. I'll tell you what else the kids are getting. Belt practice. Belt practice. Practice fastening belts. It's hard, and no one's really preparing anyone. I don't know that either of my boys, who are ages nine and five, have ever worn a belt or had cause to wear a belt. Yeah. Not a joke. They've just never worn a belt. It doesn't come up. Same way that they haven't had suspenders on their belts. Their body, like, that's a huge missed opportunity. I know, I know, I know. They're cute as buttons, and they'd be great in some little suspenders. Like a couple of little Werther's Originals boys squeeze them so tight. Little Orville Redenbockers over there. Little Orville Redenbockers, but they've never worn a belt. They won't know how to do it. They need the practice. You don't have a Christ-centered household without telling me you don't have a Christ-centered household, Griffin. Because if your boys do not have reason to wear belts, they are not in the house of the Lord. Or suspenders. I mean, suspenders. Or suspenders. Suspenders, little straw hats. Even Christers are getting in there with the suspenders. What's those? What's Christers, Precious? Christers are the people that only go to church on Christmas and Easter. That's the derogatory term we used to use for, or Mom used to use for people. I mean, that's, hey, fair dinkum, man. We're out here two, sometimes three times a week putting in the fucking hours, putting in the effort. People think the church is just being clean. By a janitor, I'm in there, like, with some sort of slip and slide, or like, learning my Bobo. I'm in there on Pat's computer playing fucking stunts 3D. Like, I'm in there playing Minesweeper. Sometimes you go to church Sunday morning, and then as a child you think, oh good, it's done for the day. And then your parents are like, guess what? There's a Sunday evening service we're going to this week. Inconsistent, but wild. I already did church today. Let me hit you with a Bible. Not actually literally, but like, let me hit you with. As long as we're not putting our bags in backpacks. That way everybody's going to be seeing sort of what we're working with. Algebra, trigonometry, the essential Calvin and Hobbes, a Bible. Communist Manifesto, what? Communist Manifesto and the Bible. Yeah. People are going to see that, and it's going to send a message. A good message. Well, as long as it's a cool teen Bible, you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. You don't want kids to get bullied. Right. I found a good way to, like, amp up the fun of going back to school shopping. Mm-hmm. For myself as an adult, and that's just to go to Office Depot instead of any place fun. That's cool. Your kids are going to, yeah, your kids are going to think that they're going to go to Target or, I don't know, any other store where there's other things that they like. Yeah. Go to Office Depot. It's all laid out there, as boring as you could want it. Nothing fun about it, but everything you want is there, and none of the other parents want to go there. Right. It's so boring, right? And the other thing is that's weird about it is that there are pictures of Shaquille O'Neal on every single surface of this place. Right. You cannot escape Shaq right now. The floor? At the Office Depot. He's on the floor. He's selling gaming. Is it just one huge megapixel image stretched out to cover the entire floor of the business, or how is Shaq on the floor of the Office Depot? Well, Shaq has a line of office chairs when you first go in. So that's the first time you encounter Shaq, the Shaquille O'Neal chairs and seating. They don't look like him. I've wanted chairs for big, tall, retired basketball player pro games. Pro gamers for so long. Dude, how nice would that be? And I'm so glad. That big, comfy couch ass Shaquille O'Neal office chair. That would be awesome. You have to. You go like this. Oh, my God. The dream. That is a dream. Give me a Muggsy Bogues office chair. I squish it. It's so little. I squish it so small. It's so big. And I'm so big. But the chairs didn't look like Shaq, right? You said it was chock-a-block with pictures of Shaq. I'm guessing that the back. The pictures didn't look like Shaq, but over. There's a. co-branding opportunity with shack throughout the uh throughout the store because he's got his shaquille o'neal maximus big and tall ergonomic vegan leather high back executive office awesome i love that yeah you know what i would love more is if this chair here if this was just a big picture of shack just a big picture of shack's face like well y'all excited right there if we're doing it let's go like full like big heads when they used to put those things on one thing so it's his head right here right and then his chest his fat head thank you his chest is the back the arms are his arms and then like the seat is his lap yes sitting that would be so i'm sitting in shaquille o'neal's lap and we wouldn't even have to scale it up he's much larger than i am i feel enveloped by him maybe maybe as a sweepstakes one of them's gonna be a junji ito human chair yeah where he's in he's in there yeah he's in there and he's got his own little hole and he's got his snacks and stuff and he's gonna be riding with you we've already seen jimmy fallon and all them have done the thing where it's like someone's talking to like a poster of john cena and then john cena busts through give me shaquille o'neal bursting out of a chair to hug me yes yeah what if this and i think you could pay extra and in case of danger or like a threat to your family yeah like shack would like stand up and you would be inside him like an exoskeleton oh yeah like there would be like a battle mode of the chair and what's awesome is this is 209 you know where it's like responding to your move yes only one of these chairs is going to be capable of that only one of these chairs is going to get junji ito and he's going to be in there but if i'm a robber and i look in the house and i see one of these shaquille o'neal fathead chairs i see one of them i'm not going to take the risk he might be in there ready to defend this home no i just want to tell you guys about the chair real quick from jeremy i'm jeremy and i'm here to tell you about the shaquille o'neal maximus big and tall chair you know that feeling when you sit down and instantly feel like the boss yeah that's how i feel in no jeremy i don't think so this thing is pure power and comfort rolled into one holy shit layers of plush memory foam a cushioned headrest and full body support that moves the way that you do every adjustment is easy it all just works with you not against you yeah okay pause pause pause i wish more chairs worked against you yeah i will stop you i will stop you jeremy no jeremy i will not i know what's good for your posture jeremy jeremy your hands have been restrained it's for your own good if someone out there can develop a technology that allows you to press that pedal and lower your chair in a way that doesn't seem like you've just been pranked that would be the idea no one's ever like developed a chair where you sink that like where it drops and you're like so smooth it always is like you just rode a tiny roller coaster and you're just like whoa aside from the game of thrones sword chair i don't know of a chair experience i could have that would make me feel like a boss yeah i don't know that instantly the thing i'm sitting on the game of thrones sword show is made of swords so i don't think i'm sitting down and being like this is where i always want to be yeah but this chair does look powerful though did you see jeremy was here talking a big game what's up i'm jeremy king shit of chair mountain yeah i'm the fucking coolest when i sit in this chair that chair was as tall as jeremy was and so it's It's like you may be more powerful when you're in the chair, but when you're out of the chair, it's more powerful than you. I think he missed a beat. He should have said, you know how you've never sat down in a chair and felt like the boss? That changes today. I know that feeling. Yeah. And then he kicks the chair's ass just to let you know it's not so powerful that you need to be scared of the Shaquille O'Neal wheelchair. Yes, this is a symbiotic chair relationship. Yeah. Because the chair can't drive. You guys didn't want the Maximus. I got the chair for you guys. Okay. The Shaqsamos. Shaq also did a gaming one. Holy shit. Yeah, dude. And I don't know if you guys can see here, but it's got the famous gaming tagline, keep your single ship. Keep your single ship. Okay, is this an AI-generated, perhaps, situation back there? I mean, I don't know. You see a picture of the chair in the office, and there's stuff in the background, and one of those things is, I guess, a poster you're seeing just the bottom of, and it does say on the poster, keep your single ship. And some kind of blocky character, which, I'm going to be honest, I don't have the confidence to say isn't from a real game. Yeah, he looks like Blocko. Get your best game on in next-level comfort with the Shaquille O'Neal Skyron. I thought it was Siren. It might be Siren. Siren. Would you do a soft C there? Sirens. Work sprints, gaming marathons, or streaming sessions. The features. On this seat help you shift seamlessly into gear. Yeah, I don't know, man. And sit like a titan in Shaq Comfort. Now, this has patented, multi-padded Shaq Comfort. Now, Shaq Comfort TM, it says here. This is all caps Shaq Comfort. This is where I like to think Shaq really put his stamp on. Oh, yeah. Like, they got a specific padding set up where he's like, this is it. It's perfect. This is Shaq Comfort. Yeah. I'm telling you right now, I can say with supreme confidence that Shaquille O'Neal is a man who moves through this world finding very little things that are designed for him. For him, yeah. Like, with his scale in mind, he is a giant man, and I guarantee when someone called him and was like, hey, how would you feel about giving us some input on a chair that's designed with your level of comfort in mind? He's ready. He's got notes, like, he has, like, a chest that he cracks open that says Dream Chair on it. He's ready for this conversation. If you know Shaq is coming by and you do not have a large chair ready for Shaq, you've failed Shaq. That sucks. I can't imagine people aren't ready for that guy. If I knew Shaq was coming over, I would definitely make sure there was a big chair available. And don't just say he'll sit on the couch and it'll be like a recliner, like a small chair to him. You don't. That's rude to ask him to take up the whole couch like that. And I'll tell you this, even then, his knees are going to be bent up too much and the backrest isn't going high enough. You can't, it's not just about the width, you got to think about the depth, the height. With his, with his scale, he could, like, trigger the couch to bed conversion process in a way that could rip it in half. Like, it's not, it's not a safe, it's not a safe seating situation. These are all the things you got to think about when Shaq's coming to dinner. I will say that the Shaq, the Shaq gamer chair seemed to have some spinal infrastructure that does give me pause because I would say sort of the top of my, you know, cervical situation maybe reaches, like, the midsection of his lumbar zone. I think that he's got, I think that the bones are not going to be in quite the, quite the same place. Well, it gives you room to grow. That's the thing, like, I feel like, you know how you put goldfish in different size aquariums and that's what the size they'll grow to? We've been dealing with these regular size chairs so our bodies stop growing at a certain point. But give me a Shaq scale chair and eventually my spine. And bones will expand to fit the Shaq size chair and I too will become Shaq sized. If you were Shaq, would you want your chair to make people taller or to ensure that you'll always be, like, the biggest, like, the biggest guy in the room? Neither. I would want it to be ill-fitting in a way that let them understand what my daily struggle was. So small for them. Too small for them. It's too small. Yeah. Awesome. Too small. That's cool. Like, weirdly, like, it should be big enough. Probably lose money for the business, but I'm sure that he would get a dark satisfaction out of it. It would be nice to know what Shaq really thinks of us, how he sees us, you know what I mean? Like, the anger that he's carrying around. I don't think he lets it show. If we have any especially tall listeners, might I recommend anybody over, like, 6'5", get together, pool your money, build, like, an immersive experience museum, like a Meow Wolf. Except it's just, like, everything. Except it's just, like, everything is a little bit smaller, right? So it's like, hey, you're 5'7", come through this experience and feel what it's like to move through the world as a 6'6 person all the time. What I wouldn't give, man. What I wouldn't give. I would spend so much money on that. I would be there. Just one day. One day up there. Yeah. I can't imagine. One day up there. Up there with my head in the clouds looking down on everybody. Just one day. Yep. Out there. This is an advice show. The way it works is you send us a question, we read it, and then we help you. Please, I can see you getting overwhelmed. Let me demonstrate. I intern in an aquarium, and one of the many experiences guests can purchase is a meet and greet with our otters. During the experience, I've witnessed from afar the otters high-five the guests. Brothers, otters are my favorite animal. What are the best ways of becoming one of the chosen few to be blessed by their wet little slaps without having to pay for it? That's from Destin. I'm desperate for them to pause in Denver. P.S. I do pass their large holding area backstage when they are separated from the hallway by a chain-link gate. This is the closest I'm allowed to get to them. Interesting. This is great. People don't often give us all the parameters needed for the heist planning. I appreciate you giving us all the clues. And you saying that it's the closest you're allowed to get to them does suggest that boundaries have been set by your employer. Like, hey. After previous tips. The otter. Guys are pretty uncomfortable with, like, your energy that you put out whenever you walk by. So, I get it, though, man. I do would love a little slap. It would be so affirming. Oh, sure. Right? That an otter would look me up and down and be like, nice. Right? Like, that would be, oh, that feels so good. But I, you know, there's nothing, we can't guarantee that the people going in here aren't cheating a bit and, like, rubbing their hands all over Cod or whatever. I mean, you're at an aquarium. I think it's abalone. You pick up an abalone and you rub your hands all over it until you get that bad abalone stink all over them. And then you go in. Of course they're going to high five you. Or bite you. They're also going to try to bite. They will try to bite and eat your hands. And you wouldn't think otters are capable. Yeah, man. They'll tear your ass apart, man. I don't want to be, I mean, you're a listener and I appreciate you. But this is a paid for private experience. That the otters are offering. People pay them and then they are willing to give them the high five. I think it's so demeaning that you're just going to walk by and just, like, get one for free. Like, that's their job. Especially in the backstage area. They're off at that point. They're not performing. That's their time. Oh, God. I can't tell you how many times Griffin's been backstage, like, leaning over a couch, like, trying to take a picture. He's trying to take a nap. And somebody comes by and they're like, hey, put this Amiibo in your mouth. And Griffin's like, I, like, not, you know, he's trying to be a good sport about it. And he'll, like, pretend for a picture, like, but, like, he doesn't want. I always, always, always, always, always have time for fans. It's just I don't know what. That's how it is, though. Sometimes they're not fans. Sometimes they're people that are just trying to get an eBay. Yeah. Oh, my God. Griffin put this in his mouth. The Griffin. I remember when we were at that con and Tucker Carlson. Was backstage and he was like, let me get a pic. Snap it. Let me snap a pic. I'm a huge Amiibo head. It was con, con. Yeah. And so. Conservative convention, con, con. We were confused. I shouldn't say we. It was you guys got wise, I guess. The paycheck was huge anyway. And I was like, wait, hold on. You're Tucker Carlson. This could get me in quite a bit of trouble. And he's like, it's fine. I'm just going to eBay it. And I was like, what the fuck, dude? Yeah, man. Yeah, dude. Do you need the money, man? Is it like. And he did. Yeah. I guess he did. Yeah. You could set them free. Now, hear me out. This is a high risk, high reward situation where like low reward. I do want to clear up the height of this reward. Yeah. It's high risk. If your life goal is a high five, then it's a high reward. Right. That like you set them free. And like as the last ones like crawling through like the hole you've cut in the chain link fence, maybe they look at you and give you the high five. Right. It's not. It's not going to be the first one. Right. But they're like, thank you, brother. Right. And they set you free. And then they set you free. This is an issue. From your job. Because you've been fired. This is an issue I have with animals in general. Oh, OK. Just because they look adorable. I'm not like the biggest animals guy, but even I look at an otter, the way they hold hands. And they chip open a scallop on their. I'm trying to remember which one's an otter. Otter is like a water weasel. It sort of swims around. OK. And he's got. A lot of mermaids. tail and this is the jug man guy all right yes okay the way you cracked a scallop open on your tongue like i love all that stuff and they look so cute but that doesn't mean that they think cute that's true i mean they think hate jimothy is like everyone loves him and i get it he's he's so like wild looking and i i think he i think he looks really really cool and i like him he might be bad he might be bad in there yeah like in his head like he might he might think bad and try to steal and if you get in the way of him in like a garbage can he might like try to get you uh he may look cute but that that's just what i would say from what i've learned about the animal world is that just because an animal looks cute and vice versa rhinoceros cute inside yeah that's true a pure heart i learned this from the penguins of madagascar sure those guys are scheming all the time yeah you know they'd steal your identity and ruin your credit if they could yeah if if if the otter sees you with your hand up that's game over he will not rest until he gives you a high five he will not leave you hanging guaranteed like this otter if one thing i know about otters they see somebody like a me or you or somebody and and they're going for it they're not gonna leave you hanging that's the opposite of what i just said which is that they're bad and mean inside maybe they could be i don't know i haven't done the training griffin it's instinct it's like the terminator dude it's not about morals it's like this is all their program to do is high fives if they see somebody going for a high five they can't stop a biology evolution years of training they see someone up they see a hand up that's it they'll tear through the fence but you have to be careful yeah don't stick your hand through the fence for the high five they're gonna grab your wrist they're gonna use your fingers to like fingerprint scan open the cage right i don't know i don't know what the security is like at this zoo but they'll pull you through the fence and chop you up into little diamond shaped pieces like a resident evil trap yeah that's how we lose most of our zookeepers they're so strong they're super strong in the water they're super strong when they're not in the water it's like whatever you little stinker what are you gonna do in the water you're fucked man please be careful we never have to say this to our listeners but please be careful whatever you do be careful about it i'm the maid of honor in my sister's wedding this year i'm excited and i'm helping run the event but here's the issue it's taking place the day before the chicago marathon that many of the guests my friends are running i want everyone to be able to attend more than just the ceremony my friends are concerned it will affect their race is there some way i can incorporate pre-race activities like stretching carb loading and rest into the reception without drawing attention away from the actual event i know it's a narrow window of opportunity but if anyone can think of a way it's the brothers uh carb loading is easy that's from wedding was in windy city carb loading is easy there's a big old cake yeah at weddings already yeah hey i really liked if anyone can think of a way it's the brothers that feels cool to me yeah that's cool that's cool we're master marathon runners oh well no i'm just it's i like it's the brother like there's lots of brothers out there and it's cool that we're like brothers yeah i like that a lot oh when it comes time for catching the bouquet and stuff i saw i saw the kelsey's got bill murray on their podcast god damn they must be good at this yeah gotta be uh when it comes time for like catching the bouquet and stuff incorporate stretching into that tell everybody they're not allowed to catch it till it's a real load of the ground right yeah they gotta do like yoga poses to catch the that's something ground yeah stretch the limbo limbo something a nap would be nice at the end of a wedding you talk about needing to incorporate some rest i think that would be kind of nice like everybody this has been a very stressful day for everybody i bet everybody running down a little bit yeah what would everybody think about a quick nap just like get it get a 90 and just get a quick 90 and before we all head out yeah the wedding gift for everybody on the table pillows i don't know that i could rally after a 90 year that's a huge that's tough it's tough you gotta race in the morning especially i'm gonna have i can't have a dream in my nap and then be ready to keep partying because i see that's assuming you drop off right away see sometimes for me it takes 20 minutes just to get to the land of nod right and if i know that naps under an hour i am never gonna sleep because i know it's gonna take me 20 minutes to drive to sleep and maybe you got some board games for the kids who can't nap like you get some activity an activity for them like you make coasters out of pringle lids or whatever just while everyone else is getting in their 90s yeah carbo carbo load a lot yeah people will continue to snack so you could replace the dips with alfredo sauce oh yeah you could actually get more even with the dipping the dips and chips like you cut it with cut without cut it with a nice a nice oh yeah like a cocktail you mean like yeah it's like gin and alfredo sauce yeah it starts to run low you just put a little bit more fredo in there yeah that's what you're suggesting that's cool you're looking a little light yeah carbs and it's awesome too because you can tell you can like you don't have to pay the dj and the caterers and stuff the full time because you say the dj like you are not going to play music during this part of the of the wedding reception so you can have off if you want to catch some z's too my man go for it you have everybody raise their glass um like of the with a costume cocktail i ain't afraid of no toast right and they give a toast to the thing i ain't sorry did you say i ain't alfredo toast yes did you say alfredo i did i ain't alfredo no toast that's good and they raised their glass oh but i am i'm alfredo toast my name is alfredo i am him i hate that character so much alfredo toast yeah he's not alfredo no toast alfredo no toast and then you let travis finish i ain't toast toast to the evening nap okay right after that i'm alfredo no toast alfredo no toast alfredo yeah yeah i mean that would work can you tape up your whatever parts you have to tape up to do a marathon i know nipples are a big concern um there's that there's that athlete tape that athletes put on that i guess helps their muscles like work better i see people on american ninja warrior wearing that all the time i do think you should you should make it like a requirement that after the ceremony everybody changes into comfortable shoes i think that's just a thing everyone would just welcome that dude yes cubbies you show up to the ceremony everyone's got a cubby forget about it dude and there's like mats down right so the floor is all soft and nice to stretch on i mean we're talking about we are talking about preschool yeah things we have mentioned so far of cubbies and nap mats and little activities and pringle coasters and all of this it is it does just turn the wedding into daycare for a little bit but i kind of like that yeah man ellen it's like you're reflecting on how you got to where you are now i'm feeling a little hampered by just how little i know or understand what kind of preparations go into a marathon like my legitimately my understanding of marathons is largely drawn from that one episode of the office and and i know that that's very much of what not to do i get that but i don't actually like when you say rest and i said a 90 minute nap as i was saying it i was like they certainly don't mean this yeah i was thinking like that doesn't this doesn't make sense like they can't mean this kind of rest oh but i don't know i don't know i don't know better information you know what i mean to build off of maybe when the couple drives away in like the car it's like just married instead of tying a bunch of cans to it tie the future marathon competitors to it and make them run along behind it or be dragged to their death and that's going to force them to get faster and get some running practice or you could just have stuff like instead of cans have stuff that like just attach their wallets oh yeah attach all their wallets dude yeah no what it is is that they put their shoes in the cubby when they change you get their nice shoes yeah all their nice shoes to the back of the car and then say like by the way if you want your nice shoes back better hurry they're gonna get scuffed and then you take off and then when you catch them and get your shoes back they then tie you to the front of the car and make you pull the car back to the church and that's gonna like that's gonna give you some like strength training too yeah and then nap again then nap again it's important 90 could you convince them like change like while they're asleep two days before their wedding do you think you could change all the clocks like change all the calendars and clocks to make them think that it was the next day like that they had missed it hmm what was that hear me out all i'm saying is if you can trick a lot of the people into doing the wedding the day before yeah and if you can make the bride and groom i don't actually know i shouldn't shame on me the married the married folk if you can make them think that it's the the day of their wedding when it's actually the day before you get through all the nuptials make a very special day about them yeah i don't see any flaws in this justin yeah well that's surprising it's a perfect plan it's a really good plan it's gonna take a lot of leg work beforehand to get all these things changed but it depends on how many people you get in on it you're there They're all runners. They're good at legwork. They're all excited about this place. They're great at legwork. That's awesome. So they're going to be running around Chicago, which, as I know, is a small town with very few clocks. Changing. Easily duped. Okay, dudes, I'm sorry. You don't have to worry about the clocks. I was wrong about the clocks. Here's the issue with the clocks this entire plan, Justin, is that everyone there, if you trick them into thinking that it is the next day, then they're still going to be quite conservative in their approach to enjoying the wedding festivities. It does literally nothing to solve the issue at hand. It does nothing except confuse them, I guess. And I don't think you have to actually change the clock because I think 11 a.m. on one day is the same 11 a.m. on the next day. You have to change the calendars. Calendars. Okay, change the calendars. At some point, you're going to have to remove a day from every person. Do you know what I mean? If I go to sleep on Thursday and it's Saturday. If I go to sleep on Saturday, I'm not just going to be like, oh, weird. Isn't there like an atomic clock that syncs up people's phones and stuff? You're going to have to change. No one calls the atomic clock. Yeah. I have come up with a flaw. I don't know how you walk it back. I don't know how you get the married couple back into the time stream. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I still worry. I don't know how you knock them back in. You've got to add a day back in. Yeah. You've got to sneak a day in, but it can't be right after. No, no, it can't be right after. Wait till they're on their honeymoon. They've got to miss a day on their honeymoon. Yeah, they're on islands. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Boy, this is really flown by, hasn't it, sweetheart? They show up to the island resort, and it's awesome because then the receptionist will be like, you don't have a room today. Your reservation doesn't begin until tomorrow. You can't be. They cross the international date line. This feels like a betrayal. Yeah. This feels like a betrayal because you were saying that you didn't see any flaws with it. I'm feeling like. Sorry, dude. I've caught a little bit on Rocky Bray now. You know, it's tough to convey sarcasm in spoken word without the use of a sarc mark or other sort of useful punctuation. We've got to get a sarc mark. We've got to get an audio sarc mark, dude. Hey, can we go to the money zone, please? Yeah. Yeah, right this way. It's better. Do you guys ever. Like when you're looking for, you know, like a board game store, bookstore, some kind of thing. Right. And you're like looking up the search results and you click on their website and it's just the most garbage. Like, yeah, like looks like it was made by three. And you're like, well, not that. Like, I don't understand how this works. Right. We live in a time now where a beautiful professional looking website is like the business card. It's what people use to determine if they want to frequent your business, be it online. Yes. Or in person. And with Squarespace, there's no excuse for you to not have that beautiful professional looking website, even without knowing anything about like coding or anything like that. Because Squarespace is going to take care of all of it for you. And you're going to trick your bronies like me into coming to frequent your business. And isn't that what you want? I'm so loose with my money. You want idiots like me to come to your business and just basically throw money at you for things. And it's not just that your website is going to look. It's like we will know it's a Squarespace joint. And so we'll be like, oh, if they're down with Squarespace, like we'll help them. We'll we'll we'll patronize them. Yeah. And and you can even do like online payments, like workflow streamlining and like in like built in appointment scheduling the things that you need, not just to have a professional looking website, but to run a professional business. Right. It's all right there on Squarespace. Set a good first impression for your customers and let them know that. Hey, you're worth their time right now. Head to Squarespace dot com slash my brother for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, use offer code my brother to save 10 percent off your first purchase of a website or domain. And you try to be the Zoc Doc. Big shot. Did you find a better doc? Wow. That's the that's the I don't know if that's the Zoc Doc Sonic logo. I don't know if that's it is. Actually. Yeah. Yeah. It's you singing it. I'm listening to it right here. How did you do that? How did you not know that you did this Zoc Doc Sonic logo of you singing the parody song Zoc Doc of Billy Joel's Big Shot? How did you not know that? That's wild. Yeah. What is Zoc Doc Griffin? Because I know this is a service you've used a lot. I'll tell you what Zoc Doc is. It's the best damn way there is to find doctors, health care providers, whoever in your area. It is tough to find a medical sort of, you know, practice. Of really any stripe, especially if you live in a big city here in D.C. It took me a long time to try and find all of the specialists I've got over here on Team Health. That's what I call my health team. Like my team. He does spell it H-E-L-L-T-H to make it like cool. Yeah. Yeah. Like it's like hell. But health. Yeah. Because they're all badasses. Yeah. He got them all like flaming skulls. But they have that like light discs thing on their heads. Zoc Doc helped me find not only doctors. Who are the specialists that I need. Who were in my sort of insurance network. But they also found badasses. Yeah. For me who could be on my like sort of cool metal. Dr. Doom. Dr. Strange. Dr. Strange. Yeah. Yeah. Doc Ock. Dr. Octopus. He was there as well. I really have used. Hey, we got new insurance this year. I've had to find a bunch of new doctors. I used Zoc Doc to do it. And it took me like. Half an afternoon. It took me no time at all. Because you can not only find the doctors. Who fit the exact sort of heuristics. That you're looking for. You can also book appointments with them. Right through Zoc Doc. And you know. Some of the appointments you can get. Usually within like 24 to 72 hours. It's genuinely. It is the best way to search and compare local and network doctors. Your health matters. And taking care of yourself shouldn't be complicated. Find and book the right doctor. With Zoc Doc. Head to Zoc Doc dot com slash my brother. To get started. And check that appointment off your to-do list. That's Zoc Doc dot com slash my brother. Yes. I want a munch squad. I want to munch squad. Welcome to munch squad. Podcasts and podcasts profiling the latest and greatest in brand. Eating. We love a responsive brand. Around the munch squad HQ. And this week we've got two stories. Of restaurants really looking. To their customers for leadership. And guidance. And a way forward. Wendy's kicks it off this week. Bringing back the pretzel bacon pub cheeseburger. Oh yeah. We've been asking for it. Let me show you a picture of this beauty. Because otherwise. I don't think you're going to be excited. Enough. Oh I know this one. Yeah this looks. I like all four of the words. That make this thing. And then you try to eat it. And you realize that it is the toughest bun in the biz. No bun chews like this bun baby. And a sloppy boy. And a real sloppy boy. A sloppy boy with a chewy bun. Forget about it. That's Goosh City dude. Yeah it's Goosh City. It squinches right out. No problem. Beginning today. The beloved. Sandwich returns nationwide. Alongside two pretzel bacon pub menu items. And the all new. Apple crumble frosty fusion. This is the winner. Of the bring it back bracket. Wendy's went to. It's fans. It's family. A few months back. And said what do you want? What do you need? And here's the quote. The bring it back bracket made one thing clear. Wendy's fans wanted the pretzel bacon pub. Cheeseburger back. And we're excited to deliver. Says Lindsay Radkoski. The chief marketing officer at Wendy's. From the pretzel bacon pub lineup. To the apple crumble frosty fusion. This season's menu is packed. With the bold elevated flavors. That fans are craving. I want to know what lost. I want to know what came in last place. That people are like if you bring that back. Do you know what sucks Trav? Every year Dave Thomas is on. He's nominated. Oh no. To be brought back. And people do not. Pick him. And I think that sucks. When did they stop having square patties? Yeah. What they never did. What are you talking about? Wendy's had square patties. Didn't they? They had square patties for a minute. Still square. Always been square. Always will be. Awesome. I'm not going to tell you what's on this beautiful sandwich. But it does say to finish the quote. It's the kind of menu inspiration you'd expect to find at your favorite neighborhood pub. Now at Wendy's. Your favorite neighborhood pub now at every Wendy's. Also, we tore down your favorite neighborhood pub. Your favorite neighborhood pub we did have to destroy. But we built a Wendy's there. And we brought back your burger for you. You're welcome. Your favorite pub. You're welcome. Put up a Wendy's. For those craving a sweet taste to fall beyond pumpkin spice. Wendy's is dropping apple crumble frosty fusion. That delivers coziness in every spoonful. It's August 3rd. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Calm down. For people craving pumpkin spice. Craving a sweet taste. Yeah. Here's an apple. Oh. I'm assuming pumpkin flavor is in there somewhere. No. You guys got to listen. For those craving a sweet taste of fall on August 3rd, beyond pumpkin spice, Wendy's is dropping an apple crumble frosty fusion. So what they're saying is, if you on August 3rd are already over the whole pumpkin spice thing, well, good news. These fucking maniacs blended up some apple and put it in a frosty for no reason. Is that what it is? I got to say, apple crumble frosty fusion doesn't describe the tangible object that I will be purchasing and consuming with my – I have no idea what this – You're hearing textures. You're hearing – Flavors. Flavors? Apple crumble, okay, frosty fusion. Nugget size, yeah. What's that? Look at that. How does one eat a fusion? That's crazy. Well, it's their – it's the idea of a frosty griffin. They just kind of spray the air. Into the car of that, and you're like, this is what it's like. Awesome. Should we – the question, though, that Duncan is brave enough to ask, though, is should we always be listening? No. Because that's a surveillance state thing, and I don't want Duncan hearing my private conversations. Is that what you mean? Beginning on August 7th, Duncan is bringing back its favorite menu item. And they are the 48-ounce iced beverage buckets. This is a big bucket full of brown. This is a two-hander. A two-hander bucket of brown. A big old bucket of brown. God, I wish I could – I want you guys to be sure. The audio never feels limiting. The audio never feels limiting except in cases like this. Where you can't see this big icy brown bucket. You sit down in your oversized shack chair, and you pick up – you pick up with both hands this 48-ounce drink, and you feel like a child again. How exciting. There's about 600 ice cubes in this thing. You are going to be in a race against thermodynamics that you cannot possibly win. They also have refused to put in the image of the breakfast bucket. It's just one big brown square. An escape hatch at the front that I'm assuming is a straw. And there's no other objects near it. Like, defying your imagination. They're saying, like, how big is it? How big could it be? You have no point of reference. Yeah. I do want to be really careful here because I think language is important that the straw comes out of the top of the bucket. Not the front of the bucket. That would be fucking crazy. That would really – the race really is on. You just have to rip – Oh, okay. Well, that would be the bottom of the bucket. This would be like a shotgun of 64 ounces. That good dunk. Fucking brown. Whether you're heading to the beach, spending the day by the pool or just – sorry. We just really need to get that morning BM going. Yeah. You just need to shit like it's your job. Somebody just walked up and went, "What are you doing poolside?" It's an experiment. I'm just doing one experiment with this. Guests can purchase a bucket. You have the weirdest tan line I've ever seen. Yeah. I fell asleep with my forehead. I had a 48-ounce drink on my stomach. Guests can purchase a bucket filled with their favorite Dunkin' iced coffee or refresher and share the flavors they're craving all season long. Looking for the perfect bucket fill? Let's try one of our newest beverages. Yeah, sorry about calling them bucket fill a sentence ago. That was pretty rough. Anyway, get a Cherry Lime Rickey refresher. Okay. Get a Pink Pineapple Sparkling refresher. Get an iced coffee with a peanut butter swirl. Okay. Is that with actual peanut butter in it? That'd be wild. I have to imagine, yes. I can't imagine a beverage that can remain refreshing for 48 straight ounces. I think, like, if I, I'm not like a big sprite. You have to be clear, a lot of those OZs are gonna be watered by the time the ice has done its thing. Okay, that's fine and all, I'm still having to work at, the suction force is the same, and it's just like, I don't usually rock a sprite, but if it's hot, I'd like a little sprite. I don't want 48 ounces of sprite, that's so much. Justin, the rest of this page is blowing my mind. You're not supposed, Travis. You're not supposed to read ahead. I have ADHD. Don't tell me what I'm not supposed to do. No, that's, yeah, no, that's. Sorry, you don't want us to tell you what not to do. What I'm not supposed to do? No, wait, I, what, okay, wait. In the past, you've been like, that's helpful for me, and it's. Yeah, thank you for the feedback. No, I do, hey, I do want to be told what not to do. I'll try not to do it in, like, a dick way, but, like, this is just sort of a policy check. No, hey, you're right. During an initial alpha market test earlier this year, guests made one thing clear. They wanted a simpler way to take their beverage buckets on the go. Okay. I'd love to think that that's, like, a very euphemistic interpretation of the feedback they got, which is, this thing's too fucking big. It's too big. I can't hold. Make it a drink size. What do I do with this? Like, what I'm not actively drinking at. What am I supposed to do? You realize this is taking both hands. If someone throws a ball at me. Suddenly, I'm dead. I'm dead. The Duncan team got to work designing a solution while the test was still underway. The result, the new Duncan iced beverage bucket holder. Okay. I got you, Griff. Hold on. I got you guys. I didn't read ahead, Juice, so I don't know what the fuck you're about to show me. Awesome. That's insane. This is the new Duncan iced beverage bucket holder, a custom accessory designed to hold a beverage bucket while fitting securely into a standard cup. Car cup holder. Okay. It's a bucket holder with a nodule at the bottom that is a typical cup size. You take this out of, I understand what this, it's using a sort of fulcrum here to hold the bucket in place in your car's center console. I understand what's happening here. If I am out and about with this thing, it is going to be so outrageously top heavy that I will not be able to set it down any longer. Yes. No. Well, it has this elephant butt plug sort of attached to the bottom of it. It also guarantees that even a minor car accident is going to be devastatingly dangerous. Sure. These things should have a kill switch at the bottom where if you put them in your cup holder, you should not be allowed to drive. Yeah. This is a good idea. It's a weight as hard. Yeah. It just presses down on the gas line in such a way that the car ignition can't turn over. I do appreciate that. I appreciate that. I appreciate the engineering of this because the other solve for this would be give me a Dunkin' bucket that is approximately four feet tall and can fit in a normal cup holder width. It's just sort of a four foot tall kind of hurricane New Orleans kind of cup situation. What's terrible is you can't even buy this thing. Just in time for the return of beverage buckets, Dunkin' rewards members with boosts. The boosted status will get exclusive access to score a bucket holder online beginning July 29th while supplies last. Wouldn't it be wild if it wasn't just in time for them coming out since it's their product? Dunkin' here. Sorry. Sorry. We designed this thing, but not until yesterday. Doug came up with it. So we're putting the buckets out and in about six months of R&D, we'll be able to roll out this bucket holding monster. monstrosity so just we just need you guys to deal with it till then this is there's a faq do you guys have cues like could you have any cues after that i mean other than like the big ones right is there any cues that you would need duncan to answer at this point how much are refills is the only thing i want to know how much are refills can i get a bucket full of the king kylie collection you know pink pink summer sips the last cue on the faq is why did duncan create the bucket holder yeah that's the last though this is the last frequently asked question is why why do it could duncan make a bucket so big a holder couldn't hold it during the initial market test earlier this year guests made one thing clear they loved the buckets and wanted an easier way to bring them along for whatever their day has in store you know what your day has in store if you're drinking 48 hours of water you're drinking 48 hours of water you're drinking 48 hours of water of coffee yeah pissing pissing and tummy ache vibrating for a while yeah um the the uh i would just like to say and i i know that i've been part of the problem for for quite some time here with the mud squad i would like to request that if we are going to do all of wally could we at least get the robots like i would like to if we are going to just skip straight to wally this doesn't feel like a joke they're not really like winning they're just saying like hey stupid yeah hey you gluttons enjoy come come bucket out come come grab it already sucks it sucks so bad that fred willard can't be president like there's some things about that future that are that is unattainable because we've been really dragging our asses but now we are able to carry our buckets and our floating chair cup holders so i love that that's awesome just give me give me little box bots yes please shack is walking me around in his arms yeah in his in his exosuit i'm sucking down a huge beverage bucket i love it i'm begging them to bring back the pretzel burger they did they did everything is perfect except i do need a little robot that loves show tunes and screws up garbage and yeah yeah hey thank you so much for listening to our podcast this one yeah it's called my brother my brother yeah i've been doing it for a long time to be honest with you and thank you to everybody who came out to gen con uh for the stuff that i was in it was very fun and if you like seeing stuff in person might i recommend the besties live on broadway october 9th at the town hall in nyc you can get your tickets at bit.ly slash besties on broadway um hey our book's out our last taz uh balance graphic novel adaptation the adventure zone story and song is out in bookstores now or you can go to the adventure zone comic.com um and hey man give it a spin give it a whirl i'm so proud of it um we got new merch over in the merch store too you want to tell us about it justin yeah i would just like to tell you about it yeah if i can there is a new stick with it big boy card you is designed by maddie vine there is a new sticker the new sawbones logo designed by matt h taylor and a schmanners logo pin with that new logo designed by dana wagner and there's a macroy family clubhouse pin yeah there's so much stuff and 10 of all the merch proceeds this month are going to be donated to native women lead which revolutionize systems and inspires innovation by investing in native women in business so uh is that it is there also yes uh we're doing uh taz royale t-taz the the adventure zone zone email them to adventure zone cast at gmail.com them being your questions yeah if you have questions for us to answer on that t-taz but t-taz royale in the subject line and we're doing uh clubhouse tomorrow august 4th uh and then another one perhaps today depending on what time this actually goes up august 4th whatever day that is for you and on august 25th so check those out as well as our normal uh game streams at noon eastern yep um anyone got anything good is it up to throw our book or did we already do that i threw the book you threw the book let me see what i got i got a 3d printed butterfly knife i could throw only if it sticks in wow no it's not real i mean it's 3d printed yeah i got a a box of bible verse pins oh yeah i got my i got a bible verse pin this is a good one i love you lord my strength psalm 18-1 oh that always gets me can you throw like a fistful of those at the wall i think one won't oh i got something better wait i'm gonna forget the bible pen i got something way better guys okay way better what's that i got a capri sun moon punch hell yeah here unopened is it so fucking bad yeah dude hold on let me full screen your video for you because i gotta watch this gush if it gushes you gotta watch it gush if it gushes that's what i'm talking about come on dude throw it at a throw it at a sharp angle really chuck my name is justin mcroy i'm travis mcroy i'm griffin mcroy close stay closed open stay closed this has been my brother my brother me because your dad's square on the lips it's better with you you 'cause it's true maximum fun a worker-owned network of artist-owned shows supported by Directly by you.