MBMBaM 821: Time Lost is Cool Lost

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mention only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? One, two, three, four! It's the start of something beautiful. A small acquaintance has blossomed, it's ripened into a precious friendship. I could have never seen what was coming for me. Hangs at the skate park, hangs by the beach. My life, it feels like. My life, ah, it's better, it's better with you. My life, ah, it's better, it's. It's better with you, this is true, ah, it's better, it's better with you. My life, ah, it's better with you. Hello everybody, welcome to My Brother, My Brother, me and advice show for the modern era. I'm your oldest brother, Justin McElroy. What up, Trav Nation? It's me, your middle-aged brother, Travis Big Dog, Wolf of Vroom Vroom, the heater, award-winning McElroy. What's up, Trav Nation? It's me, your sweet baby brother, the 30 and 30 media luminary, Griffin McElroy. It's me, your sweet baby brother, Travis Big Dog, Wolf of Vroom Vroom, the 30 and 30 media luminary, Griffin McElroy. Welcome to, I mean, it's like an ongoing celebration, I would say, of America and West Virginia, especially American. And Trav Nation. We're all partying for the 250th. I'm so stoked to be here for the big, beautiful ladies, quarter millennial. Is it hard getting around, Griffin, like all the traffic and the people coming into town for it? Dude, yes, it sucks. The congestion is like fucking formidable. Miles around the mall. Everybody trying to get there. Everyone is trying to get down there because everyone wants to know what's the big inventions this time around. You know what I mean? Yeah, the latest inventions. Everyone wants to check because they know that's what, like, all kinds of shit was mostly at the Columbian Expedition in Chicago. We love that one. Devil in the White City. Fuck yeah. Yeah. And we want to know what's the next telephone? What's the next Ferris wheel? What's the next light bulb? The next alternating current. Have you tried the latest? It's a coned waffle. Yeah, man, that shit. A waffle cone. Now everything's in cones. Dr. Brenner's candied floss. It's all there. I tried to find a list online what the big inventions are this time. What are the inventions? And I've been, I have struggled. And I'm guessing they just want it to be a surprise. Yeah. When you roll up and you're there, boots on the ground. Your boots on the ground. When you're watching a Reba McEntire cover band perform for 14 people, they want the inventions to catch you because they know turnout's been low. They want the inventions to catch and surprise you and lift you up and make you celebrate America. I do think it is. It's tough, Griffin, that like you're one of the people on this show. And one of the funniest things to ever happen is not, you know, 30 miles as the crow flies from your doorway. And I just, you just won't walk over there and see what's going on. Like, if he would just like go there, you could have already gone there and you'd be talking about it. I don't even have to pay to get in. I don't know if they're charging me. If this was happening in Huntington, you guys would be so mad at me for not going. You tell me what I would need to wear or otherwise do to signal to everyone that my presence at this extremely and tragically politicized event is as for a goof. Griffin, you started appearing. These are the same excuses you gave on January 6th when you went down there. I actually don't think that's as funny as what I was going to say. There's a bit of acid on the tongue with that one. Yes, I was going to say, Griffin, in a much more convivial fashion, if you, one of the headlines has been how few people there are. So I do think that you could start to shift the narrative of like, there's not many people here. There is this one guy and my brother, my brother. T-shirt who seems to be in a lot of the shots. Don't get me. That's that's my fear. My fear is that I will go and the paparazzo will be so I've never had an issue with the paparazzo myself, but I if I go and there's 14 people there, there's a real chance that I will be one of the more notorious individuals on site and it will get out and then people will be like, hey, man, what the fuck? And I can't say I wanted a twelve dollar foot long corn dog like I would just pop. Down for lunch. Griffin, you're my brother and I love you and I've known you for almost 40 years now. I don't think you would have a hard time conveying your displeasure at being at a place visibly. I think that's true. It's one of my. It would be very clear that you were not happy to be there. One of my love languages is visibly displaying my displeasure at being at a place. Yes, it's something that you have perfected. Over the years, I think your ability like a camera would pan across the 14 people present at this huge event and they'd be like, but that guy who's that hates it. He hates this so much. I don't love being in a situation, whether it's a concert or open mic comedy or something like that, where I know that the performers are putting a lot of I'm carrying a lot of weight for the performers being one of the very few attendees here. I don't want to make eye contact with with me, but rack entire the Reba McIntyre cover band, like their guitarist and see the desperation in his eyes. And if I go because it sucks or I have something way better to do, I'm going to see the panic in their face of like, oh, no, oh, no, don't go. But tell us, what do you want? Fancy. We'll play fancy again. I know we've done it a couple of times. I mean, it's schmancy. Their version is called schmancy. Well, no, they can sing the song that you understand. Legally, you think Reba McIntyre is fine with them singing fancy at the 250 Great American Fair. Can I talk about our wheel? Our please talk about your great people and turn in. We have a great wheel in West Virginia called the America 250 wheel. It's the world's largest portable Ferris wheel. Yeah, dude. I was. You keep using that word to portable and it's not all Ferris wheels are portable. If you're strong enough, this one is mighty Joe Young. In this case, it means rickety. So, yeah, the world's largest portable Ferris wheel. It's mobile on a different axis than most Ferris wheels are mobile. It goes. There's a depth to its movement. It's just simply not an adjective I want attached to my Ferris wheel. Yeah, large machinery of any kind. A permanent fixture. Actually, I would love for my Ferris wheel. So it's not that West Virginia had West Virginia has. The reason this is important is that it started. It at the Florida State Fair and next month, it's going to the Wisconsin State Fair, but right now it's in West Virginia. So, ha, gee, machi, it's the biggest one in the world. And we finally put ourselves on the map, but not exclusive. No, exclusive. I don't need that, though. Here's a quote from the West Virginia Secretary of Tourism, Chelsea Ruby. We wanted an attraction that people would tell their kids and grandkids about. I've already told my kids about it. I had a lot of really great, great. No words. No words there. Does it say kids, grandkids and podcast slash streaming audience as a goof about? Was that clarified? The second half of the quote is it took all of about two minutes for the governor to OK the idea. No shit. No way. You don't fucking say you're telling me this wasn't a long deliberated. We got experts in to kid me. Our dipship carpetbagger governor didn't take more than two minutes to clock whether or not this would be a good. Idea or not. I don't. I don't believe it. Yeah. Here's a quote from the leader of the teachers union of West Virginia. They've been kicking this one around for like a year. Guys, they've been trying to figure out whether or not they should pay us any money for way, way, way, way longer than two minutes. Like so much longer. Do you think we just got an email from them actually saying, sorry, teachers, this is Ferris wheel money. Better luck next time when it's time to move it to a different fair. Did they just loosen two big nuts on the side of it and just let it roll there? Just, yep. They point it from Florida to here there. It had to go through the badlands a little bit through some swampy terrain. A couple of the, they lost a couple of cars on it for sure. What's that? You want it? Oh no, we can't. That crosses the grand Canyon. Um, that create, it's like basically a pothole. Now I'll say this. All will be forgiven for the, for the sham of this 250th celebration. All will be forgiven. If we can ramp this big Ferris wheel over the grand kid, that would be so nothing would be. Nothing would make me prouder, nor would it be more representative of the American experiment to watch a big Ferris wheel do a huge jump over the grand Canyon and almost certainly absolutely explode when it lands on the other side. Yeah, but that's fair. Like if that happens, that's part of it. Get Red Bull on this pronto. We can figure out the logistics on how to get this thing over the land. And literally code it in Red Bull gives you wings. Give it wings to fly. One, uh, just, uh, if you're curious what the experience of writing the big wheels, like, uh, the wheels elaborate light show incorporates an effect that mimics sparklers and it casts its. glow on the entire Capitol complex. Especially appropriate to the holiday, the ride has a bomb-top patriotic theme, including 45 gondolas decorated in tribute to each of the 45 American presidents. Awesome. Complete with audio mini-bios that play during the 10-minute ride. Oh, no. Well, hold on. Can you imagine? Now, okay, it's not my experience when waiting in line for a Ferris wheel that I get to pick the car. I don't think you're allowed to say, like, no, keep going, keep going, keep going. I think you do just gotta hop in here. Well, it's me, William Harrison. I also think that 10 minutes is pretty kind, meaning every time I've been on a Ferris wheel, if you're the car right after they stop to let the first person off, you're going all the way slowly back around while they unload. How do you think Harrison does fill up the 10? He doesn't. He gives you a minute and a half. Well, I won in a landslide. People are just crazy about my policies. Then I died. Oh, shit. Wear a coat, I guess. What about you? What have you been up to lately? Wear a coat is my whole thing, I guess. How have things changed in the last. Do you guys have better medicine? Let me tell you some of the cool things I would have done in my presidency. I think it would have gone a little something like this. We would have gone to space in my presidency if I'd still been. Man, it's more than just a ride, Ruby says. It's truly an all-American experience from beginning to end. Yeah, in many ways, I would say that's true. It will be free while in Charleston. Speaking of. It's free? Yeah, given that the state capital complex includes the governor's mansion, is Governor Patrick Morrissey expected to take a spin himself? Absolutely, Ruby says. He wouldn't miss it. Limits permitting, I guess, but like, yeah. But also, yeah, if he. Yeah. If he thought about it for two minutes before saying yes to it, he was first in line with his, like, I heart Ferris wheel t-shirt and his, like, Ferris wheel shaped hat and his commemorative Ferris wheel cup. Not so fast, Mr. Governor. But I. Not so fast, Mr. Governor. You have to wait for us to put it together. Go faster. Safety rules be damned. It's not done, Mr. Governor. It's not done. It's in my house. It's in my backyard. The capital complex includes the governor's mansion. This is technically my house. Technically, you have to. You have to let me be the first one on it. Every morning. How am I supposed to finish if I'm not on the Ferris wheel? You just see, as you go to visit, you see him stumbling out of the car, just barfing, like, only nine more presidents to go. I've almost completed the whole set. Fuck, Harrison was boring. Hey, guys, don't let people on Harrison. That was so boring. Hey, guys, I learned some stuff about some of the presidents. It's made me rethink some things. Rethink? You know what? History is not kind to some of these decisions, I will say. Maybe I shouldn't have gotten a $2 million Ferris wheel. It's this. What are they going to say in my Ferris wheel gondola about me? Depending on the content of these biographies, we might change some hearts and minds on this Ferris wheel. Like, someone of a certain persuasion might get assigned the Obama Ferris wheel ride and then go around it, or the Trump Ferris wheel ride, and get off and be like, I had no fucking idea. Wow. Holy shit. Um, guys, we need to. We need to have a big family talk right now about our priorities. I was curious. I know that at the fair, Griffin won't go over there, even though it's very funny. He won't go over. So I had to look up for myself what West Virginia's doing. Oh, no. Yeah. So here's our first thing. It is, you know, country roads take me home. Here is a driving. It's a driving simulator. Of country roads. What are they playing there, man? What do we got? What game are they cooking? I'm really. I think it's. I don't know, man. It's hard to say. Come to West Virginia. It's a lot like. It says Shenandoah River at the bottom of the screen. Okay, but like. Yeah, that's fine, but is it like a Forza map? What are we doing? We also got. This is good, too. Oh, cool. Like a mini golfing kind of thing. Yeah, we got some fake stumps that you could take your picture on. There's also. It doesn't show it in here, but there is also a stuffed black bear that you could take your picture with as well. Really elevating the West Virginia kind of identity there. Yeah, thanks, guys. Just states that didn't show up just have a stamp that has their state name on it. It's just like. I want to bring. I want to get in a time machine. I want to bring back Daniel Burnham from 1890 whenever and just show him what our version of World's Fair kind of looks like just to let him know, like, dude, you went way too fucking. Like, all the landscaping and stuff. Are you kidding me, dude? Rhode Island's just got two chairs facing each other because they didn't really want to rep at the fair. You didn't. You didn't need to do all the stuff that you did end up doing. It would be sick if at West Virginia's booth it was just a big picture of our kick-ass wheel. Just like, listen, don't think about anything else with West Virginia. We're starting over. It's the big wheel state. The big wheel state. The rolling state. We built a 99% scale model of the giant wheel for this display. We dropped the mountain state thing. We don't have mountains. What we did have was a big wheel. Now it's in Wisconsin now. But for once, for one glorious month. Yeah. The wheel rolled over the mountains, crushed them. Crushed them. We had to blast them, cut them down flat to get this wheel here from Florida. Worth it. We miss it. We can still smell the fresh swamp air in some of the cars. Now, us in Florida, Wisconsin, we're going to stand at three different points in a room and call to the wheel and see who it goes to. I am currently working as a beer merchandiser. This is an advice show. This is an. Oh, Griffin! Griffin, thank you! It's just you usually say it and you didn't say it. Usually I say it. Thank you. You're right. I am currently working as a beer merchandiser over the summer. The company I work for sends beer, wine, and seltzers to grocery stores and I stock it on the shelves. Yeah. That's what a merchandiser is. That's not the end of the question, though. Hold on. Sorry, I thought it was like a definition. I don't think I knew what a merchandiser was, so I actually appreciate it. Griffin hasn't worked retail, Justin. I have not. Yeah, you're right. I'm sorry. No, that's not true. I worked at. I worked at GameStop for like two years. It doesn't count. Okay. It's an educational opportunity I took a fucking bullet for my retail job. That's not quite true. You hypothetically could have. I could have almost taken a bullet for my retail job, so don't sit here and tell me what I can't do. I think crosstalk is the worst when it's lying. That's, I think, when the crosstalk is the worst when it's lies. Oh, like I interrupted for a lie? For a sin. To sin. You interrupted me to sin. Yeah. To condemn your soul to hell. Yeah. That's why it's called sinterrupting. Quite frequently. That was the original title of this show. Quite frequently, customers at the grocery stores I work at will come and ask me questions about the location of a product I have nothing to do with, such as, where are the almonds? Not these almonds, the other ones. Or, where are the diced peaches? Most times, I can say I simply do not know, but at times, customers will insist I do. Brothers, how am I supposed to deal with customers insisting I know where the secret almonds are? That's from merchandiser misconception in North Carolina. Subtle. I like that. Have you got, this isn't, this isn't the heart of the question, but have you guys ever been in a situation, all right, I might be alone. The heart of the question was the other alternate title for this show. When I'm at a grocery store and I can't find something, it takes a lot of courage and gumption for me to bother an employee to ask him where the thing is. And then the moment when I realize they also don't right away know where the thing is, I wish that there was a code phrase I could give that's like, okay, scrap this hole in debt. I actually don't care that much anymore. Undo, undo, undo. I would, I thought you would be able to give me like latitude and longitude and I'd go straight there and grab it. But you and I on a hunt together is more burdened than I was planning to give you today. I want to be crystal clear because I think a lot of the time these types of behaviors are wrongly categorized as, oh, well, that's just macho, like man bullshit of, oh, I'm not going to ask for help to ask where the thing is at the Home Depot. I'm scared to talk to another person. Maybe they're busy. Maybe they don't fucking work there. They just wear the same color shirt as everyone else who works there. There's so many ways this thing can go bad that have nothing to do with pride. It's all fear, baby. Maybe they were already helping someone else. Maybe they were already helping someone else and now I look like an asshole to two people. It's all fear, baby. All the one people or Lowe's, not Home Depot, but Lowe's or sometimes like any of those, home improvement stores. I'm also worried about like, I'm going to call it the right thing because if I knew if I knew exactly what I needed, I would look it up in the app and the app shows me what aisle it's in. So I don't know what it's called. So now I'm having to be like, I need a piece of metal with holes on each end and I know there's a name for it. I know there's something it's called. You know, a springy thing that goes between a door with the other end. Where's that? Imagine you're working at a theater and you're building weird prop shit and they ask the question, well, what are you using it for? And you have to say, well, we're doing a production of Macbeth and I need a fake pipe bomb. You don't have to say. I don't know how else to describe what I need. Yeah, because you can't be like, I need a pipe. Yay, large. I need to put, I need it to look like a, what if I was making an exploding pipe for a, for pretend play? It's hard to, because as somebody who's worked a lot of different retails, retail jobs. There are some employees you're going to talk to that absolutely know the store like back their hand will tell you exactly where the thing is because they know it as well as they know their own name or it's like me at best buy in any department other than media where it's like the car stereos what the fuck i've never been in there how would i have any idea i've never even got where is that in the store i work because i have a dude i have a dude at lowe's that if i see him i know that not only does he know the aisle and the section he'll tell me what like level of the section to look at and i've talked to him probably 50 times in the last three years there's no recognition in his eyes when he looks at me but when i see him i'm saved i know yeah i've been i've been spending a lot of home time at home improvement stores uh recently and uh sorry yes thank you home thank you travis in accordance with the law sorry these stores we got to be clear sell merchandise and memorabilia from the home improvement television program my my uh my least i got one of the planks from wilson's fence cost me seven thousand dollars i got wilson's face no way yeah it's a chase face it was hard to find it's hard to navigate home improvement stores are the only stories where they will just all of a sudden be like this aisle is closed you cannot shop here that's crazy nobody does that and then it's like sometimes there's nobody in there so it's like hi is this part of the source still i need something from there and then if you have to add if somebody clocks you looking then it's like hey don't even think about it don't even think about it we might we might be using yeah it might be using big joe or whatever it's called to grab this thing down this this really this really got me there was an aisle closed that i really needed something from and i waited for a long time for them to open it back up and i was like i really need and then they had a machine in the other side in the adjacent aisle and i was saying like god guys this is ridiculous just let me in here and i was almost about to be frustrated and then i realized what they were doing was going up way up to the top and if they had messed that up they would have pushed it over into the next aisle that i was so desperate to get my fucking foam out of or whatever it's like yeah you know what i should have trusted you loads you knew what you were doing i'm sorry and it's derrick's birthday on the forklift and he had a rough night last night so i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry we closed three aisles oh yeah we don't know what this cat's gonna do he could take a fridge out he took out the entire amount of dark sunglasses we don't know where he's even looking right now who we got on uh inventory oh dizzy derrick no shut down that whole wing of the store is gone for dizzy the doors off limits get your screws from everybody out to the garden center go to the garden center evacuate you might be safe there no it's a load-bearing pergola derrick you're gonna we've talked about this derrick we talked about that god damn watch what i can do derrick no god if his dad didn't own the store um this happened when i worked at best buy it did not matter what someone was wearing if people saw them putting stuff on shelves or taking stuff on shelves the assumption was this cat knows thing i've been places in regular clothes and people have asked me where things are you have the stink of retail yeah i do i carry that with me i can't shake it it's an energy and i man just say like yeah i i just focus on the beer all i know is the beer it's it's awkward though because you have two choices one is i don't know okay i mean that's a little i get it that's probably the fair reasonable thing to do the hard thing is most stores are like are like a lot of grocery stores especially are labeled in such a way that if you will take a couple seconds and just like orient yourself and look at a sign but then if you start doing that and the person clocks you it's like well i could have that's exactly it you know it's like okay but yeah but that is what to do you look at the side i don't know that's what you do yeah when it retroactively makes even if i've been walking the aisles for like 15 minutes looking for a thing and then i ask someone and then they're doing the same thing i did i want to like just stop and be like hey before we continue this journey together i want you to know that i did this too and maybe i'm not saying that i'm not saying you should stop i just don't want you to think you were my first stop before i looked at the headings on everything talk talk about these invisible borders to people who have trouble interacting in the world uh another thing at these home improvement stores is a lot of products aren't ready for you to buy it there's one more step where you got to get somebody to say hey cut this to what i want it when i see that what i think is no i will buy something else i can't buy this i can't go get a guy to do the thing i will i will buy the standard size thing and have it be wrong right find this key get somebody with a key to unlock this thing becomes do i need more stuff in my life perhaps my life is already i don't actually need to find somebody with a key justin if i'm not mistaken you seized the means of production just so you would not have to ask someone for help cutting wood to specific sizes right this is why i fabricate yes i will fabricate it myself thank you i need that's why i learned lock picking i want to remind you and you're i'm sure your bosses would be happy to do this too and maybe the grocery store don't doesn't want you to do this you're not just in merchandising you're also in sales this is an opportunity oh you don't want almonds gross have you tried a beer dude you oh you wanted you wanted crunchy nuts that's fine and all but you know i'll be with that but i can't help you take the edge off hey you're gonna be really disappointed that you find those almonds tonight it's gonna be a hard day for you you're gonna have a lot to come back from try this seltzer it's not gonna replace the almonds but it will feel avoiding your heart from not being able to find them you should be allowed if you are a beer merchandiser you should be allowed to once a day yeah just once a day yeah someone says something and you're like hey i know what might help yeah one yeah just once a day you should be legally allowed to crack open one and just hand it to somebody in the room and you're like hey i don't know what might help you're the store this is gonna make the searching feel a lot more fun goodbye where do you keep the pokemon cards oh you don't worry don't worry about that those will depreciate in value you're not gonna get it charizard have you tried a big beer have you tried a big cold beer a big beer for beer so i don't have alcohol anymore you just just hand it pass it over just pass it over to them don't give beer to kids i suspect my partner is learning to juggle in secret the problem is that he's still learning and keeps dropping the pins late at night while he practices we live in not much of a fucking secret why is he starting with pins it there's a 500 square foot apartment with wooden floors so the sound wakes up both me and our dog who proceeds to bark until the juggling stops brothers how do i help my partner get better at juggling so he stops dropping things without telling him i know about a secret hobby and or embarrassing him that's from sleepless and silver spring when i was in college yeah i took up throwing knives and i practiced in my dorm room because there was a cork board on the wall and eventually ras wise that when i say eventually within 10 minutes ras came by and they were like stop what are you doing in here and i said putting up posters in the cork board and they said it's really loud and i said yeah having a hard time getting these thumbtacks to stick and they looked at me and i looked at them and then they realized they didn't care and they left and what i mean to say here is learning to juggle in secret is a really good lie about something else this person there's for sure something else going on my thoughts they are running a speakeasy candle pin bowling situation up on the higher floor of your of your lodging that's that's one that's only one option why not something softer you if you left maybe in the middle of the building or something like that i don't know why you're running a speakeasy candle pin bowling situation up on the higher floor of your of your lodging that's why you're running a speakeasy candle pin bowling situation up on the higher floor of your of your lodging that's why you're running a speakeasy candle pin bowling situation up on the higher floor of your lodging that's why you're running a speakeasy candle pin bowling situation up on the higher floor of your lodging that's why you're running I thought you were like pulling out something to juggle honest to god dude I think I've been waiting with bated breath for you to be like some juggle balls like these guys the turn the prestige I don't know how to juggle I have tried I mean like listen if I had not tried and failed to learn to juggle so many times I don't think I would have been as hard on jugglers as I have been over the years is it possible Justin like rookie of the year now that you've had your carpal tunnel surgery you're like gonna pick him up and be like holy shit he's super good at juggling they tightened some stuff in there and his juggling reflexes are faster than they've ever been why wasn't rookie of the year it would be sick if the rookie had just been a remake of rookie of the year about an old man that gets a surgery that makes him good at pitching that would be a better flick right like it's just a 45 year old Justin McElroy type gets a surgery stepping in for Dennis Quaid I believe yeah they get called to the same auditions all the time here's the thing about it that really twists this into like fun territory he doesn't really understand the rules of baseball so as long as they want him to keep pitching it in the square he can do that no problem but if one of the gentlemen starts to take a different bag that they prefer then he's not gonna be aware of know how to that guy's on the wrong side that guy's on the wrong side of the play he's running what's he doing stop is this okay is he allowed to do that oh he just slid into the dirt pretty hard hey hey throw him out our names are P Rose Chris Sabo throw him out somebody oh that's four how many other there's five David Ortiz I only know the ones that are in the Simpsons baseball episodes so it's like that or if they've been on Shark Tank Darryl Strawberry yeah that's seven guys eight I'm trying to remember other Boston Red Sox who won the World Series the big unit the guy with the long hair and trying to look Randy Johnson guy with the long hair and trying to look like what that's eight I think we've done like twelve now I think we've done that up no he was a manager Laforte yeah he's in Star Trek well he played baseball a lot I bet are the pins hidden this is what's weird to me are the pins hidden away or do we all know about the bowling pins do you know what I'm saying like what was not included in this email is what is the excuse your partner is giving when you're like hey what the fuck was that noise I would have loved some supplemental information here of like when I pressure them about it they say like sorry I dropped all of my my you know tea kettles my collector tea kettle set all my Bratz dolls fell off the shelf like what are they saying as someone who has cohabitated with a partner for a long time were I to be dropping several bowling pins an evening in a 500 square foot apartment after a few days of them not asking me about it I'm going to start to think something's up with them why aren't they more curious they've definitely heard me drop these bowling pins in our 500 square foot apartment it's a cry for help I mean help me from learning to juggle please stop me this is your own this may be your last chance to intervene because once they're good they're not going to be making much noise when they don't hear it anymore that's the that's the tragic thing about it you can only like you can stop it early but when it's too far gone you don't even know when they're juggling anymore you can turn away and they'd be juggling time lost is cool lost yeah they're gonna say oh babe it's just my first time doing it I was just experimenting and I won't do it again it's not the first time they're doing it it's the first time they got caught doing it this has been happening for a long long time it's actually the 10th time they got caught and it's just the first time you felt the energy to go up and see what was happening because you have caught them many times and just thought like well maybe next time hey babe what are you doing because I will say in their defense learning to juggle especially bowling pins is not something I would want to do in front of someone I would want to continue to find me attractive yeah right because there is that immediate yeah even the first hundred throws and you don't get it there's a feeling in the room of like I should stop this right this isn't for me I mean I can yes I would tell you Travis for experience yeah yeah yeah 100% uh hey uh would it be all right with you guys if we took a quick break for our sponsors to support us and our work yeah and then came back and did more jokes I don't know about you Justin but I keep getting older have you noticed this about yourself yeah it's unfortunate man and I need doctors now more than ever now more than ever doctors are keeping Travis going yes every day there's a new thing that hurts and it's uncomfortable and shouldn't I've never felt like that before and now feels like it and what can you do about it Trav we need to pivot to the solution because I don't know Justin because I don't know how to find any GD doctors okay let me do it then I'll tell you about ZocDoc ZocDoc is a service that helps you find the doctor that's perfect for you so if you've got something going on in your life you're like I don't know the appropriate physician for this maybe just move to a new place so you want to mix up your care whatever you need a complicated team of medical experts to keep your various machinations and parts going got new insurance whatever the case may be ZocDoc lets you search and compare your local in network doctors so like you look around you say hey these are the ones that work for me and then they are going to help you find them and help you get set up with the people that are going to get you the appropriate care you can see actual appointment openings and click to book a visit usually within like 24 to 72 hours it's pretty cool I think if you're it can be kind of overwhelming I think to find a physician to find the appropriate one for you and ZocDoc really does make it easy your health this is so important to Justin that when he found a physician he married her just to know like that's where my position is that predated ZocDoc but like it would have made it a lot easier I think your health matters and taking care of yourself shouldn't be complicated find and book the right doctor with ZocDoc head to ZocDoc dot com slash my brother to get started and check that appointment off your to-do list that's Z-O-C-D-O-C dot com slash my brother now Justin we've talked about Squarespace many many times and perhaps there are people listening who have heard it but haven't really listened but Justin I want to ask you what is this that I'm holding right here in my hands well Travis that's the iHeartMedia best podcast read award best ad read award that's right right here you know what that means what does that mean we know what the fuck we're talking about when we talk about ads and our sponsors so when we tell you that Squarespace fucking rules that's coming from someone with the hardware to prove that they know what they're talking about it's like really intense I don't know that they want it this intense I mean they've stuck with us through thick and through thin no Squarespace is great alright you'll like it it gives you everything you need to offer services it's not good but it's a better energy than I love Squarespace like a brother good love is better you get more sticky I would kill someone to support Squarespace that's too far you went too far you don't say again Travis you ever shot it I would injure someone to support Squarespace no I would make them hurt I would make I would make someone hurt for Squarespace I'd hurt them for Squarespace you'd hurt somebody for Squarespace I would hurt a person for Squarespace wow like if they asked you to or to defend their honor I'd do anything I'd do anything they asked me to wow this is one of the longest term healthiest relationships I've ever had is with Squarespace and I would hurt some I would hurt a person for them yeah wow but that's that's the opposite of what they're about they're all about helping people and helping them make great websites that's why they have Griffin to do the to do the hurting for them yeah yeah they need me they need me to do this dark fucking work for them Griffin's Squarespace's wetworks guy what are they for shit that's weird you don't hear much about geocities these days huh what are we happened weird gave him the elbow that's what happened the griffalanch came storming down the mount that's what happened i said the storm's coming but i took it back from q anon they said that now it's a different thing seems unlikely q anon's done and so i went in there and i picked and choose the best parts of it like the storm's coming and i hit my elbow to let them know i would hurt someone for square space and they need me to do this work they will say they don't want me to do this work but they need me to do this work for them they need it it's necessary and they also work for you so see how i turn that around did you say the hyperlink i will i would like i we yeah i mean i i'll say it again though everybody knows how we feel about square space we use them we love them they are the only reason the show continues yeah probably head to squarespace.com slash my brother for free trial and when you're ready to launch use offer code my brother to save 10 off your first purchase of a website or you have another question yes i'm a door dash delivery driver and i love getting thank you for your service people's cute pets when i drop food off i usually take a minute to try to get the pet in my drop-off photo i love that i like that too i like being in my own drop-off photos you guys ever do that no god thumbs up love it i can't wait to eat the spaghetti um but i do like the idea of my dog being in the photo like my dog answered the door i think that that's awesome that's cool i just try to get an especially excited dog in the shot and got a little too excited and pushed the door open and the door slammed shut behind it the dog is now out here with me get off your phone and my knocks and calls for the owner go unheeded do i just leave the dog out here certainly not do i fully open the door front door to let the dog back in is this my dog now that's from paul this is it typically confused in pennsylvania huh you latch your doors you messed up clearly no yeah but it's not their fault let's rank the three options they gave us before i think we hop into it yeah i would say i would say is this my dog now is obviously the most sinister of the questions presented here for sure that's theft you don't want to do that do i leave the dog out here that's animal endangerment so i would rank that around number two and i would say maybe your least bad option here is to break and enter for good for a good purpose for a good here's what i'll say i know for a fact exterior front doors open inward so i'm not going to do that so this must be like a screen door or glass door scenario i feel less weird about you opening that if their front door is open okay then you're just opening a screen door like a glass exterior dude screen doors are not vampire rules don't apply to screen doors if the front door is open and vampire sees that they can swing that little rusty son of a bitch out of the way screen door is just for bugs yeah that's just to keep bugs out not people vampires or anything else it's just vampires don't have to obey screen door no way dude they can miss right through those so if a if an eight year old griffin can walk through it you don't need to honor as a vampire first of all i was much older than eight years old when i walked through and destroyed our uncle david's screen door at his nice house in florida that thank you because i saw is that better griffin is it better i was at least 15 interrupt him i was at least 15 or 16 and i did see his cool golf cart in the driveway and i yelled grand theft auto and i jumped through his screen door with a plum and it's he got angry at me always had a plum in his hand he's just a little scamp always had a little plum and he'd be nibbling on it loves his fresh georgia plums and he got madder at me than i think is appropriate for a family member to get mad at another matter that griffin then our father ever got mad at any of the three of us the maddest of family members ever been at me and he got only i will say madder when i tried to call to apologize and ended up laughing through the apology that's he was po'd that one i don't blame him but the other one i'm a day i'm family man i apologize i ever saw uncle dave get about anything else which makes me think that maybe uncle dave had beef with griffin that he was keeping seething under the surface i think he maybe just hates bugs and it was a new door and so my new door i do remember that it was a new door i do remember that it was a new door i do remember that it was a brand new door and he hates bugs and i jumped right through it and i did yell grand theft auto which makes it sound premeditated and i was talking about the game and not the crime but really what was i do what was i doing i don't know i can't monday morning quarterback this one except to say uncle dave take a chill pill buddy i think it's good to get this off my chest rarely is this show a place of familial healing and now i feel like we've made space for that and i appreciate it so much from you guys yeah on this week's heavyweight griffin deals with the screen door uncle dave griffin asked his uncle dave from like 17 years ago to take a fucking chill pill dude it is not that big a deal man um that would be that would be a better like that would be a good version of heavyweight if it was just people calling to let people apologize to them yeah i believe there's something you wanted to say to me uncle dave i didn't see your memories i'm you'll find it to be so i'm sure it keeps you up at night yeah i'm ready whenever you are let the apology begin i i own two dogs one of them like a 75 pound very rambunctious excitable uh beast named lily if if this dog is able to push the door open on its own first of all not the first time this has happened no way second of all latch you don't like let the dog back in that person isn't listening you gotta understand that person the person who owns the house and the dog isn't listening we can't talk to them okay let the dog back in if my dog got out let the dog back in and maybe with a note that says like do better got out again better do that latch it idiot on every gift receiving occasion the dog will eat the food the dog with the dog back inside okay on every gift receiving occasion my brother spends an eternity opening his presence because he insists on untying every knot and loosening the knot and loosening the knot and loosing it and loosening every bit of tape what's a fun and inventive way i can make sure i don't spend endless hours watching someone open a gift that's from outraged observer in oslo that's fascinating that this is still a problem in other countries everybody's still doing gifts okay this is interesting because i thought for sure we'd all kind of approach this from a different pretty aggressive manner but it sounds like you're aligned with this person and their feelings i'm sorry my comment griffin i think i'm you may have misunderstood i was just thinking like wow global reach you know what i mean that's all that our show is reaching on yeah just like cool oh i mean like okay yeah i misinterpreted the comments yeah yeah i was like also people are doing gifts it's like wow it's a problem everywhere but it's like wow we've really made an impact you know i think that was more recognition how many presents not counting christmas because christmas you we expect this to go long but how many presents are y'all opening in a given year we could take a monthly average although most i'll say this guys i go entire months without opening a present the fact i get presents for myself all the time well do you wrap them and put shit on them depends on how spicy i'm crazy you absolutely don't i'm trying to be vulnerable and ask a real question i don't wrap anything all year maybe at christmas i will wrap some things but other than that it is just gift bags well you wrap well you well you you you you you wrap about the gospel that's true that's true griff and i wrap about my relationship with jesus christ and my very very traditional interpretation of his teachings so yes i do rap about that all i'm saying is and about gender roles like i do rap about those things extensively to be fair r-o-l-l-s justin loves baking gender roles yeah these are you if you haven't had them they're great i i give but is gift bags are also a thing gift bags i feel like gift bags is a way of saying i want to keep the surprise but i'm not going to expend any energy towards it yeah especially now my children have reached nature they get invited to birthday parties regularly school age and the moment of like oh shit that kid's birthday party's tomorrow right i'm not wrapping that thing for them if i get a beautiful parcel that's all taped up just the way i like let me have the time i want to enjoy revealing it i think it's a good idea i think it's a good idea i think it's a good idea i think that that's a i think that's a not an outrageous ask i'm not opening presents most months you can sit there for a minute and a half while i undo it like i'm doing some sort of burlesque routine for my present i allow me the time and space that i need for this because i don't have a lot going on right now you know what i mean what if you got so good at wrapping a gift that you could do it all ribbon and everything with one piece of tape that's crazy like folds around that you've cut it you've cut it into like an octagon shape that folds around the bottom what is it and the ribbon what if you could eat the wrapping paper when you were done with it like a wrapping paper the strawberries and the present inside could be a hoverboard that lets you fly around the city hey well now when you guys go to birthday parties with your kids uh by and large are people opening presents at the parties because i'm seeing a wild disparity in this okay it's i'm seeing it's all over the map at parties that i have been to it seems like people are opening not opening where are we at the only time we open is like in the small family you know the grandparents and right because it's like the grandparents need to see that yeah and it's fine i get that but no it with kit no first of all one i don't want to assume every kid is able to bring the same kind of uh gift and everything or that they everybody will bring gifts it's not expected anybody wants to watch it watch that yeah that's the other thing man you're basically it's like if you fed one wolf out of hungry wolves at a time and you're like hey you ate other hungry wolves just watch me feed this one wolf i want to confirm this before i start complaining about it then if that's where we're all at why does it seem like there's always one fucking person at every party that's like well shouldn't we when we start to and shouldn't everybody gather around to start opening shouldn't we they know they shut up the person who says and that big one is from us they know they did a kick-ass job they know they did a kick-ass job the thing we're not saying But I think we all feel in our hearts, and I bet every parent does, is that I can't guarantee the reaction either of my beautiful boys are going to get is going to be satisfactory. I already have this slime. Like, they're not, they won't do it exactly like that. 36? Last year I had 37. Oh, no, boys, don't. Not quite that diabolical, but we had one birthday where two different kids and an extended family member all sent one of my beautiful boys the same stomp rocket where you stomp on a thing and it shoots a rocket way up in the sky. I love those. I don't think we can get enough of them because so many of these things end up on the goddamn roof when I bring my powerful boot down to launch it way up high. My special boot, and my kids want to see how strong I am. I'll show you, but that shit's going to go right on the roof. I want as many rockets as I can get my hands on, but the kids are going to, okay. And my kids will say it with no malice or judgment. I have this. Oh, I already have this one. And when that happens, you will see Teresa and I lock eyes from across the room and, like, look at Bebe, and she'll look at me, and I'm like, mm, mm, mm. Don't say it. Don't do it. Oh, yeah, just like the one I already have. I love it. That's a better version. Huh. Okay. Yeah. Okay. Cool. And then Teresa and I will say something along the lines of, yeah, but who knows where that other one is? Yeah, that one's broken and sucks. The one you have now sucks. We all have been saying it. Actually, honey, I think that broke. Yeah, I burned it. Yeah, pretty sure it broke. Oh, wow. No way. Quick, before we wrap, I just wanted, this is like, I just wanted to, I, this was in my desk, and I didn't want to lose track of it real quick. I want to tell you guys about Camilo. It's a haunted doll watch. Justin, I'm going to interrupt you real quick. If you guys haven't watched the video Justin posted where Sydney opens the haunted doll with, like, that, uh, the crocheted slinky clown thing. He's right there behind him. You can, you can call him. Yeah, her facial reactions are so good. Watching, because it feels like both a judgment of the haunted doll and Justin's life choices. I love it. Yeah. I want, this one today is Camilo, and I wanted to talk to you about, about Camilo, because this is really a very, very, um, very interesting story. Who's on that Raisin Bran box, Justin? Oh, you'd like to talk about my commemorative Raisin Bran box? Thanks, Jeff. It's scary to have a haunted doll on the screen while we're looking at the Raisin Bran box. Who is, hold on. Let me. Let me pin you. Okay. What are we looking at here? It's William Shatner. Okay. It says Will Shat. He did a, um, he did a Raisin Bran promotion. Help Will Shat keep his mission moving. So that's William Shatner. Oh, because it says right on the front there, high fiber. Happy gone. Shat's daily, Shat's daily log. Like, he's shitting. Will Shat. I don't want to, why would Raisin Bran, is that a joke box, or did Raisin Bran really want to talk about it? No, it's a commemorative. You can get it on Walmart. About Will Shatner? But Raisin Bran was like, we know. But I already bought it, not that one. We know what will move product is people thinking about Will Shatner's dookie. I don't know. It's gross, dude. I mean, people like Star Trek. They don't. I like, I like Star Trek, okay. I don't like thinking about this old man's poop. I mean, people like Tech War. It certainly doesn't make me, it certainly doesn't whet the appetite. Okay. People like Tech War. I don't see why they wouldn't like that. So back to the haunted doll, back to comedians. Boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop. I didn't bring up the William Shatner commemorative Raisin Bran box. That's for my cereal podcast. Yeah. Meet Camilo. Meet Camilo. I don't want to. I acquired Camilo, this is it. I acquired Camilo in the kind of way that makes your stomach drop before your mind can catch up. What? Yeah. Oh, it was on the Hollywood Tower of Terror. Yeah. She came from a private seller who refused to list her publicly. Someone who messaged me late at night saying, I don't want her. I don't want her in my home. Another sunrise. No photos at first. Wait, why sunrise? Not another sunrise. A small antique doll with glass eyes that, quote, shifted on their own. And a presence that made the seller's pets refuse to enter the room. That would imply, not another sunrise implies like, it's the middle of the night. Come right now. She sleeps at night. This is the only time I can contain her. Drive across state lines and get this doll right now. Okay. When the box arrived, it was wrapped in layers of, cloth and twine, as if the previous owner believed containment mattered. It took forever for my brother-in-law to open it. Such a dick. The moment I lifted her out, the air around me tightened. Wow. The air around me tightened. What's that feel like, do you think? Her name wasn't given, but the energy that rolled off her whispered one word over and over. Camilo, Camilo, Camilo, Camilo, Camilo, Camilo, Camilo, Camilo, Camilo, Camilo, Camilo, Camilo. Don't you dare get ASMR to that, weirdo. Camilo's origins are tangled in witchcraft. An old-world dark magic with a J and a K. That's the best kind of dark magic. Don't even fucking come at me with your dark magic if it's not from the old country. She was crafted in the late 1800s by a practitioner who specialized in binding spirits. Not benevolent ones, but those pulled from the edges of curses. Grief and shadow work gone wrong. You know, that was such a niche profession back then, but you could make a living on it. And I think that that says a lot about how the economy has changed. I think the economy could also benefit from having more skilled trade crafters. Bring back American production. Bring back American production of spirit vessels. Thank you. The spirit that took root in Camilo was said to be a fragment of a woman who practiced blood rites and sympathetic magic. With a K, but a G. Said like two. Kind of interesting. This doll is 200 years old. Who was there? That's like, hey, I'm going to say this to you. It was a fragment of the soul of a woman. She was feared in her village for her ability to hex crops, twist luck, and manipulate dreams. When she died, her followers attempted to preserve her power by anchoring her essence into an object. Camilo was the result. Her original keeper disappeared within months. Every owner after that either sold her quietly or abandoned her entirely. She has never stayed anywhere long until she came to me. Then why fuck? Fuck an e-banger. Yeah. She just got settled. And now I'm looking to turn a profit. Yeah. Times are tight. Also, if I was Camilo at this point, yeah, I'd be a little miffed. I would make some people's lives. I'm getting bounced around. Abandonment issues. Camilo's just looking for a forever home. Give me some stability. Yeah. That's cool. Camilo's not a passive spirit. If I collect all the fragments, can I put the witch back together? How big will she be? She's eight feet tall. Yes. You can make an eight-foot-tall Galactus. Yes. You can make all the witches. Each one has a different piece. Awesome. How many fragments are we talking here? Because I could find eight dolls on eBay. But if they really exploded this lady, her essence into like a thousand pieces, there's no fucking way. The newest Resident Evil game is so weird. You've got to collect all these dolls and put together a giant woman. It's more of a Banjo-Kazooie collect-a-thon. Like you're finding all the witch fragments all over Ragdoll City. And it's browser-based? Camilo is kept in my storage room with my other dolls. Dark energies I don't like to mess with. That seems safe. Yeah, let them all bottle up and percolate. Just lock them up in one little dark box and give it a good shake every once in a while, you know? Just really piss them off. Let them hang out and talk. Every tool confirms the same thing. Camilo is powerful, deliberate, and deeply rooted in dark magic, J and K. JK. JK. Thank you so much for listening to our podcast, which is called My Brother, My Brother and Me, still. Despite the fact that it is hard to trademark. Impossible, some people would say. Hey, very exciting news. Next week, the final graphic novel in our Adventure Zone balance series is coming out story and song. But you can still pre-order it right now at TheAdventureZoneComic.com. If you pre-order from one of our indie bookstore partners, you get a book plate signed by one of us and Carrie. There's a book release event next week in Boston. Tickets are on sale now. It's July 16th at 7 p.m. at the Chevalier Theater. And each ticket includes a signed paperback copy of story and song provided by Brookline Booksmith. And there's a special mid-month episode of Clubhouse on Tuesday, July 14th to celebrate the book coming out. And we're going to do a regular monthly Clubhouse on the 21st. So it's all there. It's all there. This book is so good, and I'm so excited for people to read it. It's weird to be proud of something we make, but this is definitely up there. We got merch over at the McElroy Merch Store, new stuff, for the month of July. I want to call out the TravNation site. Centennial Magnet. If you're feeling in the mood to be patriotic but not for this particular country, then you can celebrate TravNation. That's actually one of our many slogans. Yeah, yeah, yeah. A place you can be proud of is TravNation's slogan. 10% of all of our merch proceeds this month will also be donated to the Asian Pacific Environmental Network. All of our merch stuff is over at McElroyMerch.com. Hey, thanks to Montaigne also for the use of our theme song, My Life is Better With You. It's a song that brings me strength in my times. It's of greatest need. Wow, that's beautiful, Griffin. Thank you. Really beautiful. What are we going to throw? Yeah, I feel like I threw something last time. Give me a second. Okay, sure. Yeah, of course. Trav, would you be pissed off if I threw the pocket watch that you gave us as groomsman presents at your wedding? No, man. Are you sure? Time flies, baby. That's really good. That's really good, man. Thank you. He just came up with that. Are you sure you won't be pissed? off if this thing, like, explodes, because it's pretty old at this point. No, go for it. It's a beautiful. I have no attachment. Here we go! Oh, fuck! Hit him in the back. I am so. Justin McElroy. I am so pissed off. It bounced so good. Did you see how good that bounce went? Yeah, that was actually one of the things I look for when I purchase them. That's fucking crazy. I'm Justin McElroy. I'm Travis McElroy. I'm Griffin McElroy. I just remember both of my brother may kiss your dad square on the lips. It's better, it's better with you. Is it true? It's better, it's better with two. My life! Oh, it's better with you. Maximum Fun. A worker-owned network of artist-owned shows. Supported directly by you.