MBMBaM 816: Ship of Vanilli

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mention only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? One, two, three, four! It's the start of something beautiful. A small acquaintance has blossomed, it's ripened into a precious friendship. I could have never seen what was coming for me. Hangs at the skate park, hangs by the beach. My life, it feels like. My life, ah, it's better, it's better with you. My life, ah, it's better, it's. It's better with you. This is true, ah, it's better, it's better with two. My life, ah, it's better with you. Hello everybody, welcome to My Brother, My Brother, me and advice show for the modern era. I'm your oldest brother, Justin McElroy. Griffin. Hi everybody, I'm so thrown, Travis, I can't fucking do it. I know I talked a big game last week, I really don't think I can do it. I know, I don't think I can do it. What's up, Travis? I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. And I'm your middle-aged brother, Travis, big dog, wolf, wolf, vroom, vroom, the heater, award-winning big dog, McElroy. And I'm the denouement, Griffin McElroy. The denouement, that's good, Griffin. Yeah, that's good. I realized that was my place. I can't be the builder. Travis skips the builder of the, like, set of three comedy sort of thing where he's just like, Justin does his thing, Travis blasts off. And then I'm like, and I'm here too, and I can't not be that guy. I can't. And I'm Justin. Oh. Oh, a date. I was sad in mine. Oh, okay. Wait. Oh, sorry, Juice. Why are you so sad? Yeah. Hey. And I'm sad. And I'm sad. And I'm Justin. Hey, what's going on, man? What's wrong, little dog? Well, my concert's not going very good. Oh, Juicer. Yeah. Your concert? I tried. Yeah. I don't know if you guys knew this, but I was trying to throw America the most kick-ass concert that ever had. You know? And everybody's quitting it. And I'm getting like, and I busted my ass to get probably nine of the biggest names in talent, and it's crumbling, dudes. This is the biggest thing I've ever been in charge of, and it's fucking falling. Let me tell you the line, because I got the dream lineup. Okay? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got the dream. And some of these dudes were off the fucking grid. Justin and I had to find the address of their Alaskan. Remote cabins, so they could fly to them in a helicopter. Yes, yes. I'm fully like, stout Thor, rolling around, trying to scoop up whatever 90s detritus I could find lying around. But anyway, I had the dream team. Yeah. Who'd you have? I had Martina McBride. Oh, yeah. Martina McBride. I had Yoning MC. I had C&C Music Factory. This is. Hey, can I tell you right now, Justin? So far, eclectic is the word I think I want to use. Oh, well, I mean, Martina McBride and Young MC. Eclectic for the Stern Wheel Regatta in Charleston, West Virginia, literally any summer ever. I am glad that Martina McBride and Young MC were able to finally squash their beef and be on the same stage again. Well, because the MC was in. Yeah, dude, that took forever. They fought over who got the MC, because for a while, Young MC was like, just be Martina McBride. And she was like, no, you just be Young. And they went back and forth and back and forth as to who had custody. I got C&C. I got C&C Music Factory. I got Vanilla Ice. Wow. Yeah. I got. And this is the one that a lot of people were like, huh? I got Milli Vanilli? Huh? This is the point. Can I be honest? Like, thematically, can I say, I'm starting to pick up a bit of a latter half theme here of maybe some people who had some legal trouble related to the music they were releasing. Well, it's the 250th birthday of America, Travis, so it's all about second chances. And amnesty, apparently. Yeah. Yeah. Amnesty. Yeah. No, amnesty will not be performing. We were going to do a live recording at the concert, but we just like. Yeah. Couldn't get back. We're stepping in for Martina McBride doing a live Taz. Yeah. Dad's asking price was too high. Yeah. So, who else did I have there? I had Young MC. I had Milli Vanilli. I had the Commodores. Mm-hmm. You know how your parents loved the Commodores? I had them. They were there. Yeah. And I had Morris Day at the time. I don't even know, Justin, if our parents loved the Commodores. I think maybe. I think our parents' parents loved the Commodores. Well, to be fair, these aren't the Commodores. These are the Commodores' grandkids. Go on yourselves. The Commodores probably said all things on the watch. And then we got Morris Day at the time. Commodore 64 is. Yeah. We got Flo Rida. And we got Bram. Flo Rida, from what I understand, is still on board. Still ride or die. I'm trying to get clarity on the Flo Rida situation because this is evolving. And honestly, Griffin, this thing's falling apart all around me. I'm on. I'm texting Flo Rida's people. I'm texting Flo Rida's people constantly, like, please, Mr. Rida. Well, there's two ways to look at this if you're Flo Rida. And the first way is, uh-oh, a majority, about 78% of the artists who signed on to perform at this event have dropped off. I don't. Do I want to be left holding the bag? The other way to look at it is, more time for Flo Rida. That's true. Yeah. He can't do it. For him to get into what he calls the Flo Flo state. If he's not in. Dude. And that's the problem with Flo Rida concerts. His vision is the tickets are $500 and you're there all day. Yeah. Because once he gets into the Flo state. The Flo Flo state, please. The Flo Flo state, it's really something to behold. And, you know, sometimes it takes him two to three hours of sitting in silence before the Flo Flo state kicks in, you know? Uh-huh. And you got to be there for it. And Bret Michaels. Wow. And I had this great concert. It's going to be on the National Mall. Which I know has always been a disappointment to everybody because of the name. No Spencer's Kiss. You always want it to be more fun than it is, but it's really just a long walk between big buildings, you know? Yeah. But this is going to be cool. It's going to be a concert. But now the National Mall, the pool does look like a piece of shit backyard, sort of like Midwestern glistening sort of pool now. So it does. And you can also see the UFC ring from the mall, which is like pretty. It's. It's way too on the nose, I feel like. This is what. The concert, the UFC fight, it's too far. What hurts Trav is the day that this lineup was announced. And you guys knew how involved I was in this. Yeah, absolutely. The day this lineup. And when Griffin saw the crop that I was bringing to his backyard, basically, he just texted like. And it was a video of him, one tear, thank you. It's like that. Yeah. Can I speak on behalf of the American people? Yeah. I. And then I'd like Griffin to speak on behalf of Griffin. And here's the thing, Justin. Me and all the American people were in one big group chat, and we were talking about how excited we were, because this is a huge deal, 250th, it only happens once, a quarter of a millennia, right? And National Mall, huge budget-backed thing, a lot of prestige, and you got, I would say, to match all of that, the biggest names in music. In any way. In entertainment. In entertainment, right? You think Bret Michaels is just a musician? He's a multi-vertical entertainer, I would say. I mean, Rock of Love? Hello? He's a TV star, too. Change the way we think about celebrity, like, 80s rock star dating shows. If it. If the timeline was different. If we were in a different timeline, and we were trying to make up a long sort of joke about who. This administration would put in a 250th birthday concert for America, if we came up with the list that was the actual list, we would be fairly derided as hack pieces of shit. Yes. As talentless, unfunny. As talentless, unfunny hacks. Why are you doing this? Hey, Justin. I'm not saying this bit. No, no, you misunderstand, Justin. I'm not saying that you are a talent. This is hack shit that you're doing right now. I'm saying that some more nuance. Like, someone who's like, oh, I forgot about that band, and. I did my best. Of course they would. Hey, Justin, why weren't you able to get Kid Rock and Ted Nugent? Like, I. Yeah, hold on! You got one. They basically have a musical jester, a national musical jester at this point in Mr. Rock, who he did send a couple of our arm. He's a secretary of defense, so he doesn't have to do more. He's a sergeant at arms for the second. Yeah, it's like, in charge of all the ships, or whatever, so he's like, he's busy with war. He's doing stuff in Iran that he's like. Anyway, I threw the best concert ever, and I announced this lineup, and everybody's like, yes, thank you, yes, we love it. And then people were like. Yeah. Mad, because of the president. And I told people. So you. That wasn't you! You didn't book him! No, what I did was. Now, Travis, here's. This is where I. If there is egg on my face. Yeah. It's this. Uh-huh. I told these performers. That this would be a non-political event. Oh, okay. And even though. literally anybody with half of a fucking brain would definitely know that this is absolutely a political event and maybe they would just love to make some of the money you know they just wanted to have some of the money and maybe people wouldn't be so mad about it some of let's be clear our taxpayer dollar right our tax dollars going to line martina mcbride's pockets but no everyone you listed justin i know to be all about the music artists first you know right and just because i tricked them with this perfect trick that any like it's like riddler level genius i told these people that a concert on the national mall while trump's president wouldn't be political and they were like absolutely like that makes perfect sense oh that's a perfect is the money already there or do i get the money after yeah i would like to talk to you and clear the air i will not be performing at the great american state fair on june 25th says martina mcbride they are they are turning they're making the right choice i think we can all agree but they did get tricked i do think there's a right choice for who griffin not for me i'm a embarrassment i asked lots of questions martina says and i was assured this was a non-partisan event on the national mall in washington d.c. 250 feet as the crow flies from the ufc arena in the fucking west lawn sidebar i need to step out of the bit to say this i've been trying to get mad about the ufc thing and i can't i want to admit it's pretty funny i mean like i want to be mad about it but it is so tasteful in the milieu that it is just everything that's going on everything that's going on in that horror yeah it's like i can't you know what i mean it's like aesthetically perfect if you can tell you we need to everybody we need to do a wellness check on mike judge because i know right there's like the ufc thing is so close to like the battle scene from idiocracy you know that mike judge has to feel like he's spiraling into a different dimension he's like i did this i made this happen guys i have so many people that have crapped out on me i asked lots of questions and was assured this is a non-partisan event that was meant to celebrate all 50 states martina's huge in rhode island you should know uh i spent my entire career singing songs about real people with real issues so she's have you so she's out cnc music factory guy said i don't know i don't know trump i don't know that guy and so he just kind of quit on me he put up a seven minute facebook video he didn't even write it out so i can't read it but he quit i didn't watch the whole thing because i was so mad i'd like to think that's because cnc music factory is very pro-union you know they yeah i've been operating the cnc music my grandfather opened the cnc music factory in 1910 in hoboken new jersey uh my grandfather was pulled into the gears of the cnc music factory i'll never forget one time that's why the union started it was my father one time i was hanging out with friends and cnc music factory came up and someone said whatever happened to cnc music factory and i said they got shut down by osha and this other person there said that's not funny my friend's dad works for osha and i think about that that's a great exchange all the time it's a good conversation can you read the can you read the brett michaels quote yeah i got the brett michaels one up i actually i want to treat you to young mc first i have informed my agents that i will not be performing at the freedom 250 event the artists were never told about any political involvement with the event on the national mall of the united states the artists were never told and despite the claims by the organizers just chief among them that the event is non-partisan spin magazine describes it as trump backed i hope to perform in dc the near future at an event that is not so politically charged i feel like young mc is like this thing was cool i think spin magazine might be the bad guy here guys can we all agree spin did this i do think he's out this reminds me of the time when someone reached out to us about doing a live show at the republican national convention and we said is it gonna be partisan and they said oh no no no no no don't you worry about it boy were we surprised egg on our face hello to all my awesome friends and fans i want to jump on here real quick and talk about the upcoming freedom 250 event washington dc when this opportunity was originally presented to my team by justin mcelroy it was described as a celebration of our country through music and a chance to honor our veterans active military and non-military members of our country through music and a chance to honor our veterans active military first responders teachers and hard-working americans from all walks of life now brett now brett time out brett have we been doing a lot of teacher honoring in the last few years would you say brett about to take a real zag and honor teachers yeah for once let's yeah no this is i thought they were blowing probably a billion dollars of taxpayer money that yes could be dollars of taxpayer money that yes could be dollars of taxpayer money that yes could be go to teachers let's give it up the concert i go to teachers let's give it up the concert i go to teachers let's give it up the concert i was gonna do to honor them instead uh as was gonna do to honor them instead uh as was gonna do to honor them instead uh as many oh as a son of a veteran and coming many oh as a son of a veteran and coming many oh as a son of a veteran and coming from a family that is proudly served from a family that is proudly served from a family that is proudly served that is something that i and of course that is something that i and of course that is something that i and of course brett michaels himself was one of the brett michaels himself was one of the brett michaels himself was one of the most notorious bomber pilots most notorious bomber pilots most notorious bomber pilots every time he flew against the red baron every time he flew against the red baron every time he flew against the red baron oh yeah they'd write stories about it oh yeah they'd write stories about it oh yeah they'd write stories about it they called it the baron of biloxi uh as they called it the baron of biloxi uh as they called it the baron of biloxi uh as many of you know i've spent my entire many of you know i've spent my entire many of you know i've spent my entire career bringing people together through career bringing people together through career bringing people together through music positivity and good vibes that's music positivity and good vibes that's music positivity and good vibes that's how i describe it how i describe it how i describe it my shows have never been about politics my shows have never been about politics my shows have never been about politics they're about giving this is important they're about giving this is important they're about giving this is important they're about giving people a place to they're about giving people a place to they're about giving people a place to come together have a great time and come together have a great time and come together have a great time and forget about life stresses for a few forget about life stresses for a few forget about life stresses for a few hours hours hours for a few hours brett damn dude for a few hours brett damn dude for a few hours brett damn dude how many hits you got there dude he's how many hits you got there dude he's how many hits you got there dude he's he's including the before and after he's including the before and after he's including the before and after tailgating i'm hoping you're freaking tailgating i'm hoping you're freaking in like a snack break for everybody to in like a snack break for everybody to in like a snack break for everybody to go use the head or get three hours how go use the head or get three hours how go use the head or get three hours how long is every rose has a storm man long is every rose has a storm man long is every rose has a storm man they do like five different versions of they do like five different versions of they do like five different versions of it back to back yeah back to back i love it back to back yeah back to back i love it back to back yeah back to back i love that breck michaels started his that breck michaels started his that breck michaels started his statement with uh my awesome friends and statement with uh my awesome friends and statement with uh my awesome friends and fans and i'd like to think that he was fans and i'd like to think that he was fans and i'd like to think that he was really and i have to and this is the one really and i have to and this is the one really and i have to and this is the one that makes me so happy that makes me so happy that makes me so happy so so so kids millie vanilli and i do feel like i kids millie vanilli and i do feel like i kids millie vanilli and i do feel like i do need to do this a little bit right do need to do this a little bit right do need to do this a little bit right millie vanilli was a pop group in the millie vanilli was a pop group in the millie vanilli was a pop group in the 90s and they had this hit called blame 90s and they had this hit called blame 90s and they had this hit called blame it on the rain and they had one other it on the rain and they had one other it on the rain and they had one other hit right there's one of their billy hit right there's one of their billy hit right there's one of their billy vanilli hit but blame it on the ring was vanilli hit but blame it on the ring was vanilli hit but blame it on the ring was a big one and it turned out that this a big one and it turned out that this a big one and it turned out that this group was basically two very handsome group was basically two very handsome group was basically two very handsome guys guys guys that they got to lip sync these other that they got to lip sync these other that they got to lip sync these other talented performers and it was a real talented performers and it was a real talented performers and it was a real they're fairly good dancers if i they're fairly good dancers if i they're fairly good dancers if i remember remember remember i mean yeah the energy was off the i mean yeah the energy was off the i mean yeah the energy was off the charts talented guys but they they charts talented guys but they they charts talented guys but they they the singing wasn't real and when this the singing wasn't real and when this the singing wasn't real and when this came out it was like an mtv or vh1 came out it was like an mtv or vh1 came out it was like an mtv or vh1 music award for like best new like music award for like best new like music award for like best new like singers or something it's a huge scandal singers or something it's a huge scandal singers or something it's a huge scandal when it happened and then like it when it happened and then like it when it happened and then like it basically one of the members i i think basically one of the members i i think basically one of the members i i think actually uh uh passed away uh because of actually uh uh passed away uh because of actually uh uh passed away uh because of in part because of this harassment that in part because of this harassment that in part because of this harassment that took place so millie vanilli is now a took place so millie vanilli is now a took place so millie vanilli is now a name that is used by the people that name that is used by the people that name that is used by the people that sang sang sang the millie vanilli songs huh yeah the millie vanilli songs huh yeah the millie vanilli songs huh yeah okay okay okay now now now millie vanilli is that group millie vanilli is that group but um one of the uh lead singers but um one of the uh lead singers but um one of the uh lead singers fab morvan who was one of the guys who fab morvan who was one of the guys who fab morvan who was one of the guys who was pretending to be in millie vanilli was pretending to be in millie vanilli was pretending to be in millie vanilli he was who was signed at the concert so he was who was signed at the concert so he was who was signed at the concert so they just went ahead and listed him as they just went ahead and listed him as they just went ahead and listed him as millie vanilla millie vanilla millie vanilla my god so the people who actually are my god so the people who actually are my god so the people who actually are singing and performing as millie vanilli singing and performing as millie vanilli singing and performing as millie vanilli he is performing at the concert and they he is performing at the concert and they he is performing at the concert and they went ahead and listed him as the only went ahead and listed him as the only went ahead and listed him as the only people people people that are still believing this are my that are still believing this are my that are still believing this are my staff who filled out this poster and i staff who filled out this poster and i staff who filled out this poster and i begged him please don't put millie begged him please don't put millie begged him please don't put millie vanilla on there it's fab morvan vanilla on there it's fab morvan vanilla on there it's fab morvan people know fab please don't list him people know fab please don't list him people know fab please don't list him as millie vanilli as millie vanilli and they did it anyway yeah and they did it anyway yeah and they did it anyway yeah and now people are like it's really and now people are like it's really and now people are like it's really performing and even i don't know that performing and even i don't know that performing and even i don't know that no that's become too complex that's like a no that's become too complex that's like a no that's become too complex that's like a whole ship of theseus question at this whole ship of theseus question at this whole ship of theseus question at this point you know what i mean i don't know point you know what i mean i don't know point you know what i mean i don't know yeah maybe they are maybe they aren't yeah maybe they are maybe they aren't yeah maybe they are maybe they aren't i don't yeah i don't know i want to say i don't yeah i don't know i want to say i don't yeah i don't know i want to say i want to take a brief moment to say i want to take a brief moment to say i want to take a brief moment to say thank you if in all this hostility thank you if in all this hostility thank you if in all this hostility there's still room for gratitude there's still room for gratitude there's still room for gratitude there's still room for gratitude guys there's still room for gratitude guys there's still room for gratitude guys there's still room to say thank you there's still room to say thank you there's still room to say thank you vanilla ice is still playing the great vanilla ice is still playing the great vanilla ice is still playing the great american state fair american state fair american state fair this is the quote from his representative this is the quote from his representative this is the quote from his representative to me and the associated press to me and the associated press to me and the associated press and the picture he's proud to help and the picture he's proud to help and the picture he's proud to help celebrate america's 250th anniversary Everyone is welcome to attend and celebrate USA's birthday and our freedom. Now, here's what I love. Justin, if I may, what I love here. The picture's for you guys. Yeah, it's attributed to. The company's in story. This quote, he's proud to celebrate America's 250th anniversary, is attributed to his representative that told this to the Associated Press. And then the picture is Vanilla Ice with Michelangelo, which leads me to believe his representative is Michelangelo of the Ninja Turtles. That is the obvious connected dots that you make by looking at this image is that Michelangelo is Billy Vanilla's representative. And he's like, he's still proud to help celebrate America's 250th anniversary, dude. And he's saying this to a belligerent crowd. Yeah. Like the picture is. Everyone's welcome to attend, man. Michelangelo just ran out on the stage while people are booing Vanilla Ice. And he's like, no, dude, no, no. Everyone's welcome to attend. Cowabunga. My read on this situation is. Is that Vanilla Ice is not aware of this situation at Rob does. Rob's not following the news. He's too busy partying with the turtles. I think his representative is keeping him insulated, giving him a little bit of plausible deniability. So if he does roll up for whatever he's doing, Griffin, because I am flailing right now to find worse people like I'm trying to find worse performers that don't recognize the names. His representative, Michelangelo, told me that, yes, Rob Van Winkle. Aka Vanilla Ice has been crashing on the turtles couch in the sewers for the last 20 years and they don't get cable down there. So, like, yes, he has missed a lot of the news. Right. This is a fun game. Will you guys help me brainstorm? Worse people. Yeah. Not worse people. Just like other people that I might plausibly be able to book. And I'm like, don't give me easy ones. Right. Like, I know that I could fill it out with, like, your. You know, some Robin Thicke, like, I don't want to do the bad ones. I want to hit you with this. Do you guys think I get the Bloodhound Gang? I think that's an easy pipeline from Vanilla Ice and I know some, like, not all of them. I know I'm not going to get, like, Daddy Longlegs, Skipper Potter, but you're going to get, like, some low tier Bloodhound Gang members to perform as the Bloodhound Gang. Yeah. I mean, names mean nothing in this sort of scenario. So, yeah, you could absolutely do that. Do you think I could plausibly say it's Elvis? Yeah, I could say he's back. As long as you say Anne Elvis, I think you're okay. Anne Elvis is here. Yeah. Juice, I think you could. Hey, guys, legit, I think you could put Elvis on there. I think you could. I think you absolutely could do it. I'm going to say Robin Thicke would be. Travis, Robin Thicke is so fucking prescient. That is actually extremely good. Yeah. Robin Thicke on this list would have been, like, maybe Chris Brown. I should have called. I was so proud. I said, I'm going to do this on Instagram. Yeah. Chris Brown. You could get Kelsey Grammer to come out and do the Frasier theme song to open up the set. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then fall off the stage. A bit of a valediction. And then he falls off the fucking stage. And everyone is like, why was Frasier here? I think I should start doing jokes at my expense. I knew that. My tragedy would become your humor. This isn't about politics. It's about staying true to what I've always believed in. Everyone is entitled to their opinions. That's one of the freedoms our veterans fought for. And I fought for as the butcher of Biloxi, one of the most notorious fighter pilots in the history of the U.S. aviation military. I didn't bury. I didn't leave a bunch of caskets overseas. I didn't leave a bunch of caskets overseas so that my friends. And family, I believe in our country and the freedoms we've afforded and the idea that for over 250 years, we have gone through both highs and lows together and remained resilient. Music. He's still like music is a universal language. Just like I did when I entertained a record breaking crowd of over 100,000 at the St. Louis Arch for an Independence Day celebration with people from across the country. What record? 100,000 guys. Most people he's ever played for at the St. Louis Arch. Yeah, he broke his own. Most people entertained by Brett Michaels. He's also, I appreciate this. Brett could have attached any picture to the post, but I do appreciate that Brett attached the picture of him playing at the Arch just in case you think there you think he's fucking full of shit. Well, you're full of shit because there's a picture of him doing it, pal. And that's the Arch. He really did it. That's the Arch. And that's me, Brett Michaels. I don't need. I don't need this. You're probably wondering how I got there. I got here. Well, it's a funny story. Do you guys think what's the half-life of the like intense play? She's doing a banjo thing. Yeah, that's cool. What is the half-life of the back channel group texts that have happened between the artists of this show? Because, you know, Martina like probably reached out to Milli Vanilli saying like, hey, what's the fucking vibe on this? And Milli Vanilli said, hey, we're not playing. What are you talking about? This is the first we've heard about this. I mean, we would. Yeah, we would do it until people got mad at about it. And then we'd quit. I wish I had done this. Absolutely. Guys, this is best case scenario for these genius artists, right? Like, I'd love to celebrate America patriotism, veteran first responder teachers. But, uh, gosh, I just don't feel like I feel like it's divisive. And that's not my thing. I'm thrust into the public spotlight again. Everybody's talking about me. And now. Now I get to have this moment where I'm like, no, no, no. I love America too much. Thank you. Yeah. Young MC is in the conversation again. And he's one of the good guys. And I guarantee you, every single one of the people backing out is like, but you know what? I will play a concert in D.C. on my own terms. Travis, it's you don't have to guess. It's just in there. It's just in there. And you just read it. And they say it with the words like they just like say it. Brett Michaels is like. I will definitely be playing a show in D.C. very soon. I do appreciate how all of the like apology letters all have a tone of like my whole thing. I don't have any feelings about this stuff. And not like, yeah, he's a fucking wow, man. Holy shit. Shit's actually collapsing. But everyone's just like, hey, man, you won't catch me being on any position of this thing one way or to other. That's a great point, Griffin, because the counter argument. All these people are making for like, hey, we didn't know was no, no, no, no. Guys, we're neutral on politics. We don't have an opinion on what's happening. We thought this whole thing was just going to be neutral, you know, and we're neutral. Why are you mad? Because if you're neutral, everyone likes you. I want to. And, you know, I'm not going to judge anybody who because I legitimately I think. Some of these people maybe didn't know that their name would end up on the poster that happened. There's at least two artists who are like, I don't fucking what? I don't even know. I was doing it more. I guarantee you most of these people have given carte blanche their agent of like, if an offer comes in, you say yes. Yeah. I don't care if you can get a hold of me or not, Doug. You say the time post. This is more as they supposed. Holy shit. Yeah. It's like a it's on. It's like a Facebook. Radiant background. One hundred and twenty eight point font on an image. Can I read it? Yeah. Please read it. Contrary to rumor, Morris Day and the time will not be performing at the Great American State Fair. I don't. Is that what we're calling? And then it is the name of an emoji. And then look at the. It's a no for me. Sunglasses. That's all Morris has to say. It's a no. Yeah. Morris, just share the image. Just share the image. People won't believe it. The sound is gigolos. Get lonely to the time. Yeah. So that like it really. Man. Why would he put. Why would he put this image announcing his backing out of the Great American State Fair? Two hundred and fiftieth American Birthday Celebration concert. Why would he put a track up on there? Why would he do that? Morris, he's got because it's the visibility. These like it's a no for me. It's a no for me. You already said yes. The time said yes. The time said yes. The time didn't ask me. The time. If the time form a super majority vote, they can. They can over. They can veto. They have veto power over Morris. I will say this. I did do. And the eggs on my face because I did do a perfect trick. I did do the perfect grip. I did do the perfect trick. But I do want to comment that I sign anything like if you back out, if you back out or cancel like you're fucked, you have to do this thing, you know, back to these outies or you have to pay us a billion dollars. Did you get them to sign anything? There's no such thing as all like good faith handshake stuff, which, OK, again, shame on me. Yeah, you live, you learn. I'll you know, I'll know for next time. I will just say this about the nine people. Years when they when they wake you up for cryogenic sleep to do the five hundred to the five. And that one's going to be I will say this about the nine acts that I managed to trick with my perfect trick. I did sure manage to trick the exact nine ads. that you would think that I would trick. You know what I mean? It is funny how the exact amount of people that would be right on that line of plausibility were the nine that I managed to trick with my incredible grift. We had this conversation five days ago. Oh man, the tenor is completely different. Guys, I crushed it. The most kick-ass lineup tricked to high heavens of all time and none of them have backed out yet. It's just that they it's just that you didn't get them to sign nothing and they just all kind of dipped. It's hubris. Yeah. He quit too. No! Yeah. DJ Hubris, you guys remember his hits from the 90s? He had a bunch of big ones, but DJ Hubris brought it backed out. He was like, I thought I could do it, but honestly, I just got, I was too high on myself and I. You remember his track? I'll never die. I'm never wrong. I remember it, Griffin. It's my ringtone. I am in a unique job where I have a big record. Hey, we're 30 minutes in, dog. Are we really? Are we really? Okay, well let's take a quick break. We will do a question. I think we can commit to doing one question at some point. Yeah, we'll do a question. First, we're going. Listen, I don't know if you heard, but I'm ruined. So if this podcasting thing doesn't like. Yeah. You know? Let me just get my dumplings real quick. I'm gonna blow my nose while you start doing the ad for ZocDoc. Maybe I should go to ZocDoc and find a doctor for the nose who can come in and help me who can help me out with that. Maybe they could help me. This is me segwaying so I can blow my nose. No, I want to talk about this because an ear, nose, and throat doctor is so cool to me because there are very few like, there are. I can't think of other doctors that both have specific focuses but also took like three things all at once. And I know that ear, nose, and throat. But you know they have nose and throat. And they're like, the nose and throat connects. And someone's like, okay, I want to do ears. And they said, no, that's all external head stuff. That's ear openings. I'm taking that one too. You're probably thinking you shouldn't listen to us about doctors. And that's fair. But you should listen to ZocDoc. And they'll help you find a good doctor. My ears aren't directly connected. to my nose, right? Like, I'm just. Yeah, they absolutely are. Dude, it's just all tunnels back there. Yeah, it's all tunnels. What? It's all tubes. Yeah, it's all tubes. ZocDoc really is. I mean, I don't know if we've said what it is yet, but it's like a platform that you go to and you can find doctors in your area that take your insurance and make appointments right in the thing. And it's like, it's the way that this should work. Finding healthcare should work. It is the only thing that is sort of making the healthcare process easier and more streamlined so you don't have to deal with quite as much of the other bullshit going on around it. I've used them to find. In the suggested intro, when something feels off, do you usually load up on vitamins and hope for the best? And I feel so called out because, like, I have a Ziploc bag full of vitamin bottles. That's the closest I have to, like, John Wick cracking open his cement floor and breaking out the big suitcase full of guns. Where it's like, I haven't been taking these regularly, but I look up feeling a little sick and I roll out from my big thing and I'm like, time for a bunch of D's and C's and B's, baby. Do you guys think ZocDoc knows how to get in touch with Dr. Dre or maybe Dr. John? Entirely possible, yeah. ZocDoc to book them. Oh, Blues Traveler. Justin, get Blues Traveler. Blues Traveler will absolutely do the 250th, dude. I don't know if ZocDoc wants us talking, actually. Yeah, absolutely. Let me call Popper. But here's the problem, Justin, when you try to book them, they're gonna give you the runaround. Blues Traveler's guys. Wait, no, mine. They're gonna give you the runaround. Ah, that's a real good one. ZocDoc, I've used to find a whole suite of healthcare professionals for myself and my family here in Washington, D.C. It's tough to find doctors and make appointments in a big city. Did you blow your nose yet? Yeah, I did. I did it discreetly under the table. I know you wanted to hang a lantern on it, but I got a charge for that. So ZocDoc is great and it's really an easy, easy way to find doctors so you can finally get that thing looked at. ZocDoc is a free app and website that helps you find a book, high quality, and network doctors so you can find someone you love. Stop putting off those doctor's appointments and go to ZocDoc.com slash mybrother to find and instantly book a doctor you love today. That's Z-O-C-D-O-C dot com slash mybrother. ZocDoc.com slash mybrother. Thanks, ZocDoc, for sponsoring this message. If you have a dream, you got a business you want to start, you got a concert you want to put up, whatever you want to do, the best place to start is. Some refunds you have to offer. Some refunds you have to offer, some apologies you have to issue, some clarification websites you have to build on the fly, go to Squarespace.com. They're going to help you build a slam dunk, totally rad website that looks like a professional made it because they got professionals to make the templates, right? So you bring in your data, you bring in your photos, the stuff you want to sell, whatever you want to do with your website, and Squarespace will help you build it. That's true. And it says it right here, I'm looking at Squarespace.com, it says it right here, slam dunk, totally rad, totally rad, a cowabunga website for the ages. Dude, it says to do the whole thing in a Bart Simpson voice. You got to start over. You got to read the, guys, we got to read these fucking copy points before we get into it. Yeah, it says right here, these websites don't eat shorts. See what I got here. Which, I don't know if that, if it's ever been phrased that way. Justin needs to cook. Head to Squarespace.com slash mybrother for a free trial, and when you're ready to launch, use offer code mybrother to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Okay, you did still do that in your normal voice. It felt like you were about to do a bit there, and then you didn't. I did. I lost my, you know what, Griffin? I was about to absolutely whiff a Bart Simpson impression for the entertainment of our audience, and I lost my nerve. I will say I lost my nerve. Yeah, I lost my nerve. It's scary, it's scary. I've been sort of struggling lately with accents where they'll just be one, like I'll open my mouth and I'll get it the first try, but if I don't get it the first try, I'm not going to get it better. But sometimes there'll just be one there, right? So I'll just discover that Kingpin from Daredevil Born Again is in there. But I don't, but that's not useful to me. I didn't work on that. And if I'd opened my mouth there as Bart Simpson, it would have sounded like Bart Simpson. Do you know what I'm saying? It would have been embarrassing. People get on Jeff Dunham all the time because it's like, your puppets are mad racist, dude. And misogynistic. And misogynistic. Oh, fuck! Jeff Dunham! Jeff Dunham! You can get Jeff, call Jeff, call Jeff, call Jeff. Justin, Jeff, what are you doing? You know that new racism you've been looking for? Well, listen to this. No, you guys are misunderstanding. He doesn't like doing that. Those are just the voices that are in him. Well, he has that. He can do the, he'll do the, he'll do the, he'll do the, he'll do the, How about a question? Actually, yeah. Let's end the intro. I'm in a unique job where I have a baby raccoon in my car much more often than most people. Sometimes when I have a baby raccoon with me, I drive to a fast food restaurant, and I really want to show my baby raccoon to the people working the windows. I know if I was working in one of these establishments, I'd love to see a baby raccoon randomly on a Tuesday afternoon, but I have no idea how to broach the subject. How can I ask the fast food worker if they'd like to see my baby raccoon without making it weird? That's from fine raccoon purveyor in none of your business. Seriously, don't get me fired. It does lead me to believe that the baby raccoon isn't supposed to be in your car. Yeah, it's probably not supposed to be in your car, huh? And you're just hanging out with them, and you're like, if the boss finds out I'm taking this baby raccoon to get some burgers and fries, I'm going to be in so much trouble. You wouldn't get fired for thinking about showing your raccoon to people, friend. I don't know. It feels like you stole the raccoon in Groundhog Day. I like to think of myself as a man of the world and of the people and of the workers. I can't even imagine what job would lead you to have a baby raccoon. in your car sometimes. More often than most other people. Because there's not a ton of jobs where you're interfacing with baby raccoons in the first place. Let alone the jobs where, if you're in, I don't know, pest control or animal control, I don't think you keep them around in the car like a sidekick's. Jewel thief? And the baby raccoon is trained somehow? I can see that. That's all I can think of. Or it's like you caught the baby raccoon, you are with pest control, you caught the baby raccoon, and you're like, I know how to reward myself with a job well done before taking this raccoon to jail, maybe? I don't know exactly what they do. Yeah, they stop for a happy meal on their way. I have somehow let myself become the stereotype of the dad who's like at war with some natural annoyance, and for me it's the raccoons that live outside. It's an on-gang really, truly, Justin is engaged in a long term sort of battle with these ring-tailed bastards. They shape his he has schedules based on like, I have to do this thing before the sun goes down. Genuine Google calendar reminders thwart the raccoons. Yeah, I like to keep snacks out there for delivery people, and I get, cause like I think it's nice, there's some drinks in the summer and these fucking dickheads used to at night. The raccoons, not the delivery drivers. The raccoons would come at night if I left. the snacks out and eat them which like fair play the night is your domain raccoons still kind of an asshole but like fair that now they've gotten bold we're at five in the fucking afternoon these dickheads will be up there grabbing a snack for themselves and here's what kills me they'll drag the snack off open it enjoy it and leave the wrapper for me to clean up i shit you not so if i saw a raccoon in your car i would judge you pretty bad i think you're in league with them and i'd be real careful what i told you how do your children feel about the raccoons because i have a war with deer after they sharpen their antlers on the trees i was growing and killed my trees and they eat the flowers off the flowers i'm growing so like i'm standing at the window with my cup of coffee in the morning looking at these uh horned rats uh derogatory and my kids are like oh dear and i'm like i'm gonna go out there and yell at them till they leave i'm i'm in the same boat i got these big bunnies that hop around in my yard and they've never once let it let me pet them or my kids petted them even though we try to give them strawberries they don't want it and i feel like they're judgy and they wouldn't even let me petted them once not even once you're an outside not even one time inside k griffin you're such an inside kid right now they're so big they're so fucking i saw last night i there was a raccoon did you just say you didn't think i saw a bunny no i know you saw a buddy for sure there there was one who was coming to get my sex and i went outside and he just looked at me like and it was it used to be human presence was instant instant disappear now it's like looking at me like what what have you got nothing is more debilitate that happened once i was camping by myself raccoon started going through my trash and it was like time i went outside my tent waved my flash around made myself big ah raccoon just looked at me at that moment i went okay and just went back in my tent like that trash i have no other if the raccoon charges you're done you're you might have no second step yeah you're you're out but i mean if my situation is any indication you could just walk forward and try to pet them and be a be their friend and pick them up and love them and give them a stroke give them a big juicy strawberry that raccoon will run right away you scare away more flies with honey uh-huh there's scooters in town near me that i stop by sometimes whenever i go through their drive-thru i can't find any of the giant clovers they have next to their shop i want to rummage around for some big old that's a cool you that's a cool mind you have there and i'm genuinely mean that and i'm jealous of it yeah i want to rummage around for some big old four leafers so bad how do i go about doing this do i just go for it unapologetically can i call ahead of time ask their manager do i have to buy something from them first i'm irish too can i demand that it's my right help me first of all irish too like the chain scooters is that what we're saying or is it all like the four leaf club they're just adding on yeah okay welcome to scooters welcome to all scooters i think if you ask they'll call the police on you but you should just do it yeah dude i without giving us like distance from it if it's like between the drive-thru and the drive-thru window and the like driveway there's a patch of clovers don't do that oh what'd you get oh some fries nice me just looking for clovers don't mind me if if you're working a drive-thru window that area for like at least an eight by eight is your office so like if i have a drink that i need to dump out i'm not gonna dump it out there in that person's office you know i'll drive up to the trash can in front of their office oh okay so i think if you are rummaging around for clover outside this person's office that would be very distracting if you're down away from their office you'll probably be okay but i think that that view you shouldn't have to make that person think about what you're doing that would be my one request just from on a human level don't make the they're not going to say anything but like don't make them wonder why you are doing that for an hour you know just do it disagree yeah that would be my suggestion but you got to walk up you walk up to the counter and say did you see some kids throw an ipod nano into that field and then you're gonna walk around looking and occasionally like stand up and scratch your head and look around my son chimmers is getting bullied at school and they stole his damn ipod nano and they threw it out in the grass again outside scooters and i i'm just gonna have a little butchers around real quick and hey just do y'all have a clover policy or is it just sort of finders well i'm out there if i'm out there and i find a big old four leafer i might have to move juicy four leafer is that just up for grabs or is there a raffle you guys own it do we have to share do you can anyone own a clover patch god's greatest miracle clover grass with a hat on umbrella grass they call umbrella grass we call it in our in the old country two bow ties what i i had two people this week that came up to me that know me fairly well and told me that they had found a four leaf clover adults and like you know that i got a little sprinkle of the of the the touches and i a little touch what do you want me to do with that conversation i mean honestly what are you neurotypical people doing about clover discussions if someone if a normal adult comes up to you it's like i found a four leaf clover yeah i got social anxiety what do you want me to say about that in this social situation you know what i mean you found a clover i don't know can i get you with just next time wow someone's in for some good luck the other option it gets you right does that not chill you to your fucking bone it does but it will to them too and then convo over there's nothing else there's no follow-up yeah i guess saying something like that out loud you know you don't have to day some people worry about small talk justin in a way that we don't in a way of like okay there's no follow-up you can just look at them now what i would suggest justin is to just show interest to a degree maybe they were not prepared for grab them by the lapels and say where where how yeah and then like when they tell you take off in that direction yeah i guess that's fair no that's true i need to come up with something better than staring at people blankly and saying and yeah what's that mean i i don't know i don't know like someone's in for some good luck nice works a lot because my kids like to tell me random observations throughout the day that i don't know how to follow up with besides oh nice the problem is because i'm always goofing and joking i think that if i say something sincere like what a beautiful thing you know me or like yeah what adult one of nature's small miracles huh one of nature's most delicate miracles the people look at me like waiting for the punch line and i'm not a joke store i'm a fully realized person i'm a whole person and i i can't just say like wow delicate you know yeah i have such a hard time sounding sincere that i have the opposite problem that if someone told me i was like all right it's a little miracle they'd be like all right and i'm like no you don't understand and i would just keep going on and on it's the same problem trying to sound different it's not the opposite problem that's the same problem no justin's was sincere and not a joke mine they would assume is a joke but it's actually sincere no it's the exact same thing i just say exact same thing you said the same thing listen i was only half listening sure yeah yeah it's the problem with us clowns yeah no one wants no one wants us no one wants us to tell them all our thoughts on god they just want that they just want the jokes the sad me i went to see the therapist and the therapist like there's this clown in town and the guy was like i don't fucking care about clowns man i'm trying to tell you my problems and the therapist was like i don't want to hear your problems i got tickets to go to this clown show later yeah and you've been talking for what feels like two hours and i'm gonna be late and the guy was like doctor i just got here five minutes ago yeah and the clown show's not for another four hours right i know because i'm in it i am the clown yeah and then the doctor shit himself yeah it's famous scared people always say the same thing too but your job is so easy and yeah it is you know what i mean like yeah okay we have to do a lot of it i will say this it's easy but we have to do a lot of it we do a lot of it and so i mean not as much as a normal job yeah not like a schedule that not like a 40 hour a week like i make more podcasts than a normal job than a normal job would make podcasts yes yeah for sure yeah i guess that's true that's the only metric i have that's the only metric that matters that like at the end of the year average like bank teller has made less work podcast than you have yeah yeah i think i'd get on board with that uh i clean an airbnb as a side gig and sometimes the guest leaves what i call tips they never leave money but sometimes i'll find beer frozen meals or other packaged items i usually throw away everything that's already open today i saw a nondescript takeout box in the fridge being the nosy person i am i open it only find two slices of the most delicious looking pizza i couldn't help myself I know I shouldn't have eaten them, brothers, but I did. And it was the most delicious pizza I've ever eaten. My question is, how do I find out where the guests got this pizza without letting them know? I'm a nasty boy who ate their leftovers. Without letting them know, I'm a nasty boy who ate their leftovers. The pizza was a standard meat lovers with sausage, bacon, and pepperoni, which most pizza places in my area offer. So narrowing it down by topping is not a choice. And that's from Airbnb Animal in Arizona. That's really, this is really, really good. Thank you. Thank you for sharing this with us. It must be nice to live in an area with enough choice in pizza there where you do not know every pizza on site. I would identify every pizza in the tri-state area 100% of the time. There's five different pizza thicknesses and shapes. And based on which one you get, you can easily triangulate which one. You bring me a square cup with little dirty sausages on it? That's Monty's. That's Monty's. Thank you. I'll have it. Is it Monday? Two for. Nice. Cincinnati has no specific pizza identity as a city like New York or Chicago or something. And so when someone opens it. You guys are specialized in pseudo foods. Well, so when Cincinnati opens a new pizza place, they're like, ah, but ours is like this. And it's amazing because it's like, to what level of slothful do you want to feel today? Like, were you planning on accomplishing anything? Okay, we've got thin crust over here. Are you napping for the next 16 hours? Great. Try the sins, boy. Here's my worry, question asker, is that sometimes our enjoyment of a thing is so ephemeral and based on the context of the thing, because right now it's feeling magical. You were hungry enough that you ate the pizza from the fridge. It looked amazing. It feels, dare I say, a little naughty, a little illicit. Oh, you can be a little naughty. And I'm worried that. Even were you to find the source of this pizza. It wouldn't be as good. It wouldn't live up to it again. Yeah, the sin makes it so much sweeter. This is a classic my brother, my brother may solve. It's one of our best ones. It's called no bigs. It's just like what we do is we say like you, we, you bring us a problem and we could solve it or we could just be like, hey, no bigs, not a problem. Do something else. Worry about something else. Like it's not no bigs. I'm just saying like. That's right. If you got the pizza, you'd eat it once. Be like, that's this pizza. And then you wouldn't. It's like when little Pete found his special song, it was just for him, his favorite song. And then he couldn't find the band anymore. And then, you know, he had to recreate it. The specialness of it was the fact that it was lost. So like this pizza chase is let it feel you. Like live and let it let it be special. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? A mystery is a project. And projects are the vehicles of of true joy and satisfaction that we get in our lives. You're lucky to have this. That's and you should work on. That's so true because you could try to find a way to contact the people staying there or or now you have the fun project of I need to sample pizza. Like go to different places and try different pizzas from different restaurants until I can like match this pizza experience. I would. I would totally watch a tick tock series. It was like, hi, my name is Joshua and I'm trying every mediocre pizza in Arizona until I find the one that I liked. And then it would just be like going around for different ones. I think I'd be incredible. You'd be like that guy that goes around and reviews pizza restaurants that no one seems to really like very much. And sometimes he goes to the pizza restaurants and they kick him out. Yeah. So this fucking asshole is kicking me out. And it's like, well, you said I'm so wealthy. I'm so wealthy. That happened here in Cincinnati. And I was very proud of my city. You said their pizza tasted like gross dog shit. Yeah. You said the yuck factor was a million. It sucks that you can make a career out of being unappealing. What a sad commentary. Wait, you can? Yeah. Oh, shit. I know. It's easy money, man. It's as unappealing as possible. Right. But I've been so likable this whole time. Yeah. To me, you're always likable, Trav. Thank you, Dustin. Thank you so much for listening to this podcast. We got three. We got three questions in there. Got three questions in there. Three questions. There were people doing some strange, like, gambling where it's that thing of, like, I, you know, I think this guy is going to say this word. And when we hit that third question, somebody made bank. Also, don't do those things. They suck. Those left side suck. Don't do those. But if you do, get in touch. If you play the polymark, we can maybe work something out where maybe everybody's getting their beak a little wet. Yeah. Yeah. A little snoot in the tail. By the way, this episode is brought to you by Betso. Use code BROTHERBETSO50 off. To get 50% off your next vote. Brought to you by Betso Ross. I sold my country's flag, and I waive it for gambling. Right. Hey, folks, are you struggling to make it stick? I bet you won't forget me this 250th. I'll be performing alongside Kid Rock and Ted Midge, Bruce Traffler, Robin Thicke. I got the Draft Kings, guys. I got the Draft Kings. The Draft Latin Kings. They were there going to play my show. The Draft Kings are going to be there. I got a Miami Sound Machine to perform. I got the engineer of the Miami Sound Machine. Yeah, I work on the UX of the Miami Sound Machine. We've had some great innovations lately in accessible tech. They got the guy that skinks from Money, Money, Ballstones. Just the one. Yeah. From Money, Money, Ballstones. Blue Manson. Squad is performing. They got Josie. What? Yeah. From Beyond? Whoa. Josie from- Thank you so much for listening to our podcast. I'd love to talk about our merch. Can I do it? Yes, please. Do it. We got sticky notes. Make it stick sticky notes designed by Evan Cruz up on the store if you need reminders that you need to be pitching heaters. You need to be tossing them day and night. We also have a You're Going to Be Amazing shirt designed by Sabrina Volante. It's incredible. It's one of my favorite designs we've had for a long time. Proceeds for that shirt go to Lambda Legal. And 10% of all of our merch proceeds this month will also be donated to Lambda Legal, which is a national organization working to achieve full recognition of the civil rights of LGBTQ plus people and everyone living with HIV through impact litigation, education, and public policy work. That stuff, again, over at McElroyMerch.com. Also, I want to say you can pre-order the Adventure Zone story and song right now at TheAdventureZoneComic.com. Barnes & Noble and Books A Million both have exclusive editions available. Barnes & Noble includes four collectible trading cards and Books A Million includes a collectible poster. I also wanted to say I had a great time at Champions Grove last weekend. Everybody who came out for it, it was wonderful. Just thank you to everybody for making it a wonderful time. I want to thank Montaigne for the Eastward theme song, My Life Is Better With You. It's a really good track and the vibes are so on point. It's hard to be a fish. It's an album I keep returning to. They're just so talented and I'm so glad we get to use that song. It looks like Travis has an exciting- I have this pointer that I think I can throw. A really exciting pitchable. Can I ask what you're going to- You could die from that. That could kill you. I'm throwing it away from myself. Yeah, but it bounced back. What are you throwing it at? Can you- Plunge through your heart. Do you have a styrofoam thing? I want to see if you can get that stuck into something like a javelin. I want to see if I can get it stuck into something. I don't think I have anything I can stick it into. All right. Well, just eat it. Just eat it. Yeah. Okay, here we go. Yeah, dude. That was fucking cool. My name's Justin McElroy. You hit the helmet right on it. That was awesome. My name is Justin McElroy. I'm Travis McElroy. I'm Griffin McElroy. This has been My Brother, My Brother, Me. Kiss your dad square on the lips. It's better, it's better with you. My life. Ah, it's better, it's better with you. Is it true? Ah, it's better, it's better with two. My life. Ah, it's better with you. Maximum Fun. A worker-owned network of artist-owned shows. Supported directly by you.