MBMBaM 810: Shirtpants! Shirtpants!

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mention only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? One, two, three, four! It's the start of something beautiful. A small acquaintance has blossomed, it's ripened into a precious friendship. I could have never seen what was coming for me. Hangs at the skate park, hangs by the beach. My life, it feels like. My life, ah, it's better, it's better with you. My life, ah, it's better. It's better with you. This is true, ah, it's better, it's better with two. My life, ah, it's better with you. Hello everybody, welcome to the Maximum Fun Drive. This is my brother, my brother, me, I'm the oldest brother, Justin McElroy. I'm sorry, Justin, I'm pretty sure you have to sing Send in the Clowns. Yeah, it is actually contractually obligated that you. You sing the songs in the clowns. Yeah, no, if you don't do it, people. Send in the Clowns is for the monumental episodes. This is the, this is Pay the Piper. Oh, right, right, right. Oh, you're right, you're right, you're right. So, yeah, I guess hit Pay the Piper maybe a little bit harder. The notes, I'm getting these notes back from the focus group that we hired to sit and watch us. So, yeah, that's so interesting. Yeah. Let me try again, because I know that we have paid. This is the one bad thing about Maximum Fun Drive, which is the time that we come to you every year and say, hey, if you like the content that we make here in the Maximum Fun Network, if you could kick in a few bucks to help make that happen. The negative thing about it that a lot of people don't want to talk about, but I would like to get out. Yeah. early is that we have already prepaid a consulting firm hundreds of thousands of dollars. Yeah, so much money. to optimize this drive. There is no way we are not already sunk. We are taking a huge bath. Good money after bad. Taking a huge bath. We've never not been in the red, despite how much incredible support we've gotten. But Jesse loves this consulting firm. Yeah. He is crazy about them. Jesse's not even in charge anymore. It's a co-op run by the employees. But still, somehow, he's the one who's like. He still shows up. He'll still text you like, he's in the firm. And he does it in all lowercase, so you know he's being kind of coy about it. But he loves this fucking firm. But it is the Maximum Fun Drive, and this show exists because of people like you listening to it and enjoying it now. So please go to MaximumFun.org slash join. There's so many great, wonderful prizes. I don't know if we're supposed to call them prizes, but. What's up, Josh? What's up, Trav Nation? I'm your middle-aged brother, Travis, Big Dog, Wolf Wolf, Vroom Vroom, The Heater, a world-winning hat in hand, McElroy. It's me, your sweet baby brother, 30 Under 30, Media Luminary, Built Ford, Tough. I don't have a baseball one yet, Griffin McElroy. It felt like the time to deploy it. Yeah, yeah, strong. I was waiting for the right moment. So we haven't said it yet, but this is Maximum Fun Drive. I should have mentioned that up top. Yeah, we should have mentioned it. This is your chance to support the art and artists you love, and that's us. Because the number one thing we are, artists. Artists making art because of you. Thanks to you for supporting us. Sorry, I was just reading back over the past highlights of the Mbim Bam Bonus content, and I had completely forgotten that we re-recorded one of our episodes with Matt Doyle. Yeah, it was conceptual. It was extraordinarily conceptual. Well, that's right, Justin. That is but one of the many Boco offerings waiting for people to support us. What about Pranky Doodle Dandy? Pranky Doodle Dandy. I think Pranky Doodle Dandy contains my best joke. My best joke I've ever deployed is in Pranky Doodle Dandy. Wow. It was against our friend Lynn, and you just got to hear it to believe it because it's so fucking sick. It's like a sick burn and a great joke. So if people go to MaximumFun.org forward slash join, you can get all these details. You can hear about all this. But Travis, you were mid-spiel, and I interrupted. I'm so sorry. Well, we have a lot of great Boco. Some past highlights include Pranky Doodle Dandy, which includes Griffin's best joke. Yeah. We did a full re-recording of episode 400 with Matt Doyle. That was our Escape to Margaritaville blue carpet premiere episode. It was a fever dream. There's all kinds of stuff. You can go to MaximumFun.org slash join to become a member today. Do we want to talk about what we did this year for our Boco? Yeah. I think Travis, I think you could do it, but then I think Travis, is going to do it again after you do it. In a more professional, like someone who won an iHeartMedia podcast award with it. We didn't win it for, well, we did not win it for Pledge Drive. We won it for ads, which is very much the opposite. It's an ad. This is an ad. A Pledge Drive is an ad for your soul. An ad for us. An ad, yeah, I guess so. It's an ad for us, so big, you know, big radio doesn't come in and buy out the whole station and shut us down like they've been threatening to do for so long. Old man radio. I'm not going to lie. Radio killed the podcast star. Sirius XM has been banging on the door saying, you guys have a radio station? We're a radio company. Let's work this out. And they don't want us to do a show on there. They want to shut us down. They want to shut us down because we're competing with Howard Stern. They've been calling me a lot. They're like, how would you like two hours after Mark McGrath of Sugar Ray? And I'm like, what do you mean two hours after? Like, what does that mean? And they're like, you could sit in the booth that he was just in for two hours thinking your thoughts. And I'm like, that sounds great. Would I play music? And they said, oh, God, no. No, no, no, no, no. We don't play music. Travis, I actually, I hate to do this in the middle of our sort of pledge drive where we're asking people to support us at MaximumFun.org slash join, but none of Mark McGrath's microphones are plugged in. They just let him go in there, but none of his mics are plugged in. There's nothing recording. He just goes in there and they say, time for your show. And it's different every week. Yeah. But none of it is actually real. It's a toy. In fact, it's using a Fisher-Price toy microphone. But he hasn't noticed yet. That tracks. So for as low as $5 a month, you can become a member. Or if you're already a member, you can consider upgrading, boosting, all those things. There's a whole bunch of different levels with a whole bunch of different rewards. And if you go to MaximumFun.org slash join, you'll find out about those now. What kind of special stuff do we have planned for the MaxFun Drive? Well, I'm glad you asked. I've invented a new game. Oh, man. That sounds like a lot of fun. I just want to hear what our bow code this year is. Oh, right. We still haven't talked about it. I went down with Janet Varney for a master class on voice acting, in which Janet Varney shamed us into being better voice actors, question mark. You can check that out, as well as every past bow code, not just from my brother, my brother, me, but from all the MaxFun shows, including Adventure Zone, Sawbones, Schmanners, and Wonderful at MaximumFun.org slash join. Now, are you ready? How come whenever she said mean stuff to us, she always did it in the core of voice? Yeah. That's because she was like, I want it to feel like core is fucking burning you and razzing you. Well, that's how she do. I guess so. That's how Janet Varney do. It's very powerful. A good, strong, powerful move. It's River Natural. These are two real weird shows. Weird stuff happens on them. Sometimes the same on both. It's River Natural. Welcome to River Natural, a game in which I will give you a plot line, and you will tell me if it's from Riverdale, Supernatural, or both. This is a good, good, good, good, good idea, Travi. I'm so excited for it. And I'm excited for your mustache. Thank you very much, Griffin. That I did have to tell, I did give you some criticism, some editorial notes before. It was quite lopsided by about a good quarter inch. But sometimes it takes a brother's eye and a mother's love. It's really quite a gift, because you could have let the internet handle your light work, and that's very beautiful of you, Griffin, to step in and fire there. Nah, man. I mean, it looked like he was wearing, like, an upside-down uppercase J. It was really quite. I was going for a look. It was a love letter to Justin, and you took that away from him. Like, it was melting down one side. Yeah. Yeah. It was a Salvador Dali mustache. Travis, is it gonna fuck things up that I've seen probably two seasons of Riverdale, and then as much Supernatural as I can stomach, that show was too scary for me? No. I feel like I'm gonna have a. I did. I feel like Riverdale didn't. It didn't get too Supernatural until later on. A lot of this stuff is from later season, Riverdale. So, Riverdale. Which season does the smoke monster come out of Jughead's butt? That's episode one, season one. Okay, yeah, right. That's opening shot, literally. So, Riverdale show about some all-American teenagers, and Supernatural, a show about two brothers traveling the world fighting demons and monsters and stuff, and the Vint Diagram is a. It's a circle. Okay, are you guys ready? Yeah. I'm ready and willing. Okay. Here is your first plot line. The main characters have to deal with a haunted doll moving on its own and terrorizing people. Is that Riverdale, Supernatural, or both? Both. I also think it's both. That seems general enough. That is correct. Sam and Dean do battle with a ghost that possesses dolls. Julian murders people at a bed and breakfast, and Cheryl Blossom's unborn brother, which would have made her and her brother triplets, Julian possesses a doll. doll and it causes friction between cheryl and her girlfriend oh what kind of that could mean anything well her girlfriend's like hey hopefully for fuck's sake please get rid of that haunted doll and while you're at it if you want to get rid of the corpse of your brother that you put makeup on and keep around the house for some reason that would also be cool if i had a doll with one of you guys in it i would for sure get rid of it because i think that's what you would want if a haunted doll is ever causing literal friction in your sexual relationship it may be time to reevaluate because that is not an appropriate application of a haunted doll i should also say spoilers for riverdale and supernatural if that wasn't obvious yeah geez pal after traveling through time with an angel by their side a main character tries to stop the assassination of martin luther king jr okay okay fucking shit dude fuck dude either one is pretty bodacious both the only show that's actually allowed to do stuff like this is quantum leap as we all know quantum leap is the only one uh fuck dude i answered authoritatively first griffin i'm gonna let you okay i know there is a time travel subplot at some point in supernatural so i'm gonna say supernatural i do not think they would touch this rail with archie and the gang i i'm gonna go ahead and disagree with griffin because there is also a time travel subplot in riverdale where they go back to original archie times and everybody's archie eyes to the original archivision that sounds cool yeah man i've kind of i know i'm not ever gonna you know yeah sure i'm not gonna watch it yeah i'm not gonna watch it sounds cool justin is correct damn it tabitha who is pop's granddaughter is chronokinetic or more simply put a time traveler this is from the wiki the drama of her getting shot by percival's hitman unlocked her gift sending her back in time to december 24th 1944 where she was guided by her guardian angel rafael to complete her mission as tabitha continued to travel she learned that some events in time are fixed points meaning certain incidents from the past affect the fabric of the world so enormously that the universe won't let them be altered such as the assassination of dr martin luther king so this is this is the jughead show river correct awesome that's great i heard i'll be honest travis i heard angel and i thought lay up uh supernatural is lousy with these fucking hot hot guys usually uh just egg on my face sorry griff a witch burned at the stake centuries earlier possesses a main character and attempts to seduce another main character both that's easy both i must say supernatural that would be riverdale cheryl cheryl's ancestor was a powerful witch possesses her body and attempts to seduce her girlfriend if i'm not mistaken the same girlfriend that didn't like having the haunted doll around a doll yeah why is she sticking around man this is your sign get out of there it is discussed so right now just as one point it is discovered that the events of the series are being written about in a popular book series whoa huh okay supernatural griffin is correct there's a book series that chronicles the winchester brothers adventures by an author named chuck there is a similar storyline in riverdale that results in jughead having to lock himself in a bunker and write stories to save the universe but that universe is river veil a dark version of riverdale trav i need to i need to know this is a reputable wiki that you're getting these from and not uh something more let's say amateur generated unauthorized this is all real baby that's cool so jughead the burger man has to save the universe by writing yes by writing his way out that's cool there's two jugheads because they're in river veil so there's riverdale jughead and river veil jughead often referred to as narrator jughead and writer jughead okay there's two there's two just there's two jugheads inside of all of us that's true so this is kind of like a ted mosby situation where you got two different ted mosby you got the uh the older guy telling the story to his kids and then you got the younger guy who's an architect and none of it can be trusted you got saget prime saget prime and he's changing the story for the kids because sometimes they'll take out some of the profanity and change lead to sandwiches residents um is there a like a supernatural plot line on how on hymium i think is the how you shorten that one they're all ghosts okay they're all residents of a town are terrorized by what they believe to be paranormal predators but the main characters discovered is actually a family of crazed rednecks both shows both shows my brother my brother and me by virtue of this segment yeah i think justin should get at least a half a point okay yeah just i could have a half point griffin is correct in supernatural it's one episode in riverdale it spans at least one season maybe multiple seasons it is uh at first believed to be an alien species called the mothman oh interesting they didn't know that they could use that yep until they discovered that it is an inbred redneck family like you do so you guys couldn't you it's the one cryptid we have well i guess we have a flatwood monster too but come on okay we got one more cryptids a dnd-esque game is unleashed on the town and many residents become obsessed the game involves many real-life dangers to advance including every player receiving a mission to murder one of the main characters oh man that's cool justin i feel like you've lost the plot a little bit it's riverdale supernatural or both or both there's only three answers you can't write in e and then like fill that bubble in that doesn't work is neither an option no okay riverdale supernatural or both okay i feel like i feel like supernatural be more tuned into that community but i do think riverdale is the right answer because i think they would do a episode for sure griffin is correct in riverdale they play griffins and gargoyles and at the behest of the gargoyle king a terrorizing figure that is seen wandering the town and he's like 10 feet tall at one point every player is assigned the mission to murder archie whoa holy shit good luck you never see that coming yeah damn i want to be the gargoyle king is riverdale good there's also a scene where archie fights a bear and i couldn't figure out a way to include that that wouldn't make it obvious that it was archie fighting a bear did the bear also have a game like a character this is separate archie kicks the bear's ass yeah of course archie or the bear and yeah who would you rather be stuck in the woods with one archie or one bear i mean i would say if the archie over the bear but jughead can rewrite reality so i don't know where that puts him in the power rankings yeah travis that was a really good game griffin wins you say that because you won that's the only reason you like the game it's a really good game i can't i watched a not an insignificant amount of riverdale and they didn't get into any of this shit they didn't get in anywhere near that shit i am stricken with embarrassingly poor eyesight and can't see without my glasses i lost my glasses this morning so the only way i can see and read throughout the day is with my prescription sunglasses how do i wear my sunglasses indoors out in public without seeming like a douchey asshole that's from corrective vision needed in columbus the extra info here is so necessary they are copper polarized lenses you know so this is gonna be big hollywood energy i feel like this is not like there's a light tent this is like yeah we could have all this cleared out by next week and get a chipotle in here yeah yeah yeah no i'm just shutting down this stupid place the type of sunglasses put such a fucking vital vector on this because if they were sort of more tame sunglasses i would see no problem here if you roll up into the panera bread looking like fucking cold trickle then you're not going to you are going to turn some heads yeah i know that the quote he can't see a thing without his glasses is from my girl but i yeah for some reason my brain always first attributes it to the mummy with the guy yes yeah yes sentence can't be going anywhere interesting i i'm just gonna call an audible on this sentence there's no way it's gonna blow up travis's brain mistakes yeah is that i always think he can't see a thing without his glasses is about the member of the american party that loses his glasses and the mummy takes his eyes yeah yeah sure travis i'm right there with you but i also very you're also more there with me when i tried to stop that who could say i think that a power move would be every time anyone says anything lower your glasses and look over the top of them and say i'm basically legally blind right now and then slide them back up that could i mean that's extremely descriptive like you're gonna be the only one who's going to say fucking shit after that trash so it's a strong answer in that regard but that is a i don't know if that's a social encounter that most people are like um wanting to sort of volunteer over and over and over that's fair um i guess the like you could really try to play it up like you're doing a bit because because of how good your life's going. Oh, yeah. Like, if people are like, hey, Dave, how are things going? You look at me like, uh, pretty good. You tell me. You tell me. Check the shades. Check the shades. I'm in door. And then hand him a 20. Thanks for asking, kid. Uh-oh, what's that? Jeans and flip-flops? Hang loose. I ran into Dave earlier today. Things are going really good for him, I think. He gave me a 20 and said, keep the change, which I didn't understand at all, but he said it in such a way that I said, thank you, Mr. Dave. And I was confused but impressed. I don't know, man. I heard his house just burned down, but he's in, like, a fucking vibey mood right now. Yeah. Did he have insurance? Did he have, like, a big insurance? Was it arson, maybe? Do you think Dave burned down his own house for the arson money, and that's why he's vibing so tight right now? God, he's so cool. God, damn, he's cool. Look at those polarized lenses. I think we got it. I went on an overnight work retreat with one pair of jeans, planning to wear them both days. Yes. Sure. I spilled coffee on my jeans, so I tried to wash them out in the sink last night. This morning, my jeans are soaking wet. How do I wear my pajama pants today? With such purpose that my colleagues do not ask questions. They are light gray sweatpants. I think I can do this. That's awesome. More of that positivity. That's good context. I like that. That's from TooCasualFriday. P.S. I packed three shirts for this two-day work retreat. Why couldn't I have spilled the coffee on my shirt? Shirt, pants, shirt, pants, shirt, pants. Shirt, pants, pull them on. Button up, tuck it into your underwear. Just sew the crotch where the buttons is. Shirt, pants. Yep. Shirt, pants. Buttonfly. It's perfect. All the way around. I once saw a post somewhere that said, like, I pack clothes. I'm planning to shit my pants every day. Yeah, right. And that is very much. When I pack, if it's like, I'm going to be there for four days, so I'll need 12 pairs of underwear. Like, that's my thought process. And, like, I am the person. I will pack a pair of pants for every day. And then, like, an extra pair of pants. Mostly because I know that I will often just shrek around, knock stuff over, spill things on myself. Sometimes right out the gate. You know. I have to quibble with our listeners. Y'all have got to start coming to us a few mistakes earlier than you are. Like, it's so hard to do this after. Let's take it from the beginning, okay? Hey, I'm going on a work trip. Oh, that's cool. Make sure you pack a couple pairs of pants. Nope. Just one. Thank you. Okay. I am packing four articles of clothing. Sure. Here's the thing. Just don't spill anything on them. Nope. Too late. Spilled coffee on them. Oh, that stinks. Well, make sure you wash them. Yeah, I did. Oh, good. Well, make sure you get them dry. Nope. I didn't. Well, guys, what do I do now? Fucking. Why did you come to us earlier? You know what I mean? Like, hey, guys, help me pack for my big trip. God, I crush at packing. I love packing so much. And they never ask us to do it, guys. Give me your perfect packing presentation. My perfect packing presentation? Because I think packing is not cool. I think packing is for grandmas. Teach me, Griffin. I mean, I like to fold them up tight. I like no creases. My undies, I roll into little burritos, and I build sort of barriers between different items with those. I stopped folding my underwear a decade ago. Oh, it's not a fold. It's a roll. This is what I'm saying. Boop. Oh, I'm not going to roll. It's like always a cram with undies. Cram in a drawer. Cram in a suitcase. Always a cram. I pack. My packing experience is like a Severance, Indy, and Audi, where when I get to the place that I'm going, I open my suitcase, and I'm like, who packed this? Surprised. Nothing is anywhere. I can't find any. What's in here? I like it. Wherever I am with my bag is my home, and I want it to feel like home. And so I roll my underwear up into burrito shapes. Just like you do at home? Yes, sir. Yes, sir. It's like a Chipotle down there. How many pairs of pants do you bring? Two pairs of pants. Four spills. Do you do one jeans and one fancy knot jeans? I might. That's usually what I do. I do a brown denim and a regular denim. Two kinds of pants. That's good. I have a pair of dress pants that's kind of stretchy and soft, and they feel like pajama pants, but they look like dress pants. And those are my go to flying pants. Yes, dude. Because it's like I'm comfortable in these all day. Because no one knows. No one knows how comfortable I am. No one knows how stretchy it is. How do you dress up? How do you dress up in pajama pants? Starch. You got to starch them up. Starch is good. Starch and iron is good. Fold each leg. Sort of the wrong way, right? Make a pleat. Depth wise, make a pleat, make a nice sharp pleat with an iron. Starch those bad boys the fuck up. I get a lot of TikTok content of people starch maxing and making their clothes so rigid that they can stand up on their own, and then they have to put those clothes on. That's my algo right now. Anything's possible. Lowered into them like Wallace and Gromit? No, they have to lay down on the ground and kind of scoot into them. They're wearing other pants, by the way. This is not a nude. This is not a nude sexual sort of, this is not like my thing is like starch maxing. I'm just saying it's ended up in my algo and they keep giving it to me because I'm, every time I'm like, there's no way they're getting those goddamn jeans on. So you are interested in it. It's not like it keeps popping up and you're like, what is this doing here? Yeah, but like their dick's not out. Like it's not about that. No one said it was. No, I know, but I want, Travis, again, preparation is a big part of it. Cutting it off at the pass. I just want people to know this is because it's funny to me to watch people put on. Rigid jeans. You can make sweatpants into dress pants. Could you fashion a sweat band out of like a hand towel or something? Cut the sleeves off a t-shirt, roll up playing like the Rocky theme on your phone and you're like, I'm ready to company retreat. Let's do this. I'm like, I'm prepped. I'm pumped. Now you're the CEO. You got promoted because you care the most. Yes. I think if this person wanted to put in that level of effort, they would have dried their jeans. Fair enough. I don't, I'm not sure planning is there. There's no hairdryer where you're staying. I had the hair dry out. Oh my God. Cooper and the, and the kids are throwing water balloons yesterday. And of course that was the only pair of shoes that she has to wear to school and they're soaked. And I was like, it's 7:20. We got to leave in like 10 minutes. I was like, it's okay. I'll hit him with the hairdryer. So I, I put the hairdryer into this little kid's shoe and I turned it on full blast. Yeah. And the air. That came back at me. It was as though I had opened the arc of the covenant and my, the layers of flesh, how it couldn't be that a human child plus heat, not as adorable as your child, human. I felt like agent Smith, like the virus that you people have infected my nostrils. It's repellent. I couldn't look at the kid the same. Like, you know what I mean? Like, there's something wrong. It's not her fault that you turned her footwear into a fucking despicable me minion fart gun. That sucks, dude. That's mean. That's I don't want that. Charlie came over and I said, Charlie, it's the worst thing I've ever experienced. Don't have this. What'd she do? Huffed it. Put her mouth down for a huge snort. And then like basically blacked out on her bed for five minutes. Blacked out in the booth. Um, nightmare. I, it was like, I held it. I held it. I held my, it was so bad that I held my breath and I could feel it hurting my eyes. Like I can feel it. Like I sensed it. Jokes out of the room Justin. Bend up a coat, a wire coat hanger, put the shoe on it and bend the other side over the dryer door and close it so that they're suspended in the air inside the dryer and then turn the dryer on. Save yourself. I did something like that. I use a coat hanger to kind of wedge open the microwave door. And then I put the shoe in there. And I kind of wedged it so the microwave could work open if you will just like bring it the right way. Yeah. So that actually could get the shoe. Yeah. Pop off the governor and it'll work. And it gave you Hulk like cancer. So that's. Super turbo shoe cancer. You tell me Travis, this is a glass plate. Whoa. Holy shit. Justin had a commemorative Utz brand glass plate that he just. Collapsed. Folded. That's crazy. He changed kind of the physical properties of that glass plate. That's how strong I am. Adam's. I think people. Everyone's experienced this. And so that's going to work to your favor question asker. If we can return to the, if we can return to the question asker for just a moment. I think if you wear the sweat pants to the company retreat, but you carry your messy jeans around with you, you say, Hey guys, just so you know, I obviously this is unacceptable. It's not my first choice. I would be wearing these jeans. You hold them up. You say, but they're very wet. Now you also, in the other hand, have to have the cup of coffee you spilled and say, this is the cup of coffee I spilled. This is not piss. This is not piss pants. I wouldn't show you those that would be more inappropriate, but as you can see, this was sort of the chain of events. I'm still, I don't look at me different. Just imagine I'm wearing these jeans, but unstained and super dry. Can you door dash pants? Absolutely. You can door dash pants. You can door dash fucking anything, man. You can definitely. I have DoorDash to pant. I have DoorDash to belt. That was embarrassing. I couldn't leave the room to go get a belt, could I? Pants falling down. Yeah, couldn't find a belt. Trapped. Trapped with no belt. Can't go buy a belt. Pants fall down. You know what else you need to buy a belt, Justin? Money. You know what money's good for? Maximumfun.org slash join. Supporting the art and artistry you love. Perhaps the worst segue I've ever heard. Making one of the all-time stinkers. You know, I'm out here trying to do my fucking best. One of the worst. You do it better. You do it better, kingshit. I will, I will. The idea that my brother would use that as a springboard into asking people to pay him to do it more. You can't segue off my segue. It feels like I'm doing it. No, Travis, it's about awareness. It's about feeling the moment. In this moment, we're bullying you, so I have to build off of that, you see. And you know, bullying is wrong, but you know what's not wrong? I permit it. Supporting the art and artist that you love. Hi, I'm Travis McElroy, anti-bullying advocate. Dude, you know what's sad? And supporting artists. Art advocate. Sadly, dude, exponentially better than your last pass. I know, Joseph. I mean, truly. I fucking knew it as soon as I did it, okay? I knew it was wrong. Maximumfun.org slash join is where you can go. I'm only a man. And help us. Help us make these shows. I'm just as God made me, sir. Please, please let him do the thing. Please let me talk about the thing that is actually the lifeblood of our podcast. Yes, of course. This is our 15th drive, I believe. Does that sound right to you guys? We're better than we've ever been at this. Yeah. We're the best we've ever. Oh, God. We're at the height of our fucking power. We're at the height of our power. We're at the peak performance. Yeah. And so now is the time. If you've never. 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We talked to you about the masterclass with Janet Farney that we did. In the past, we've also, besides the Margaritaville, we've done, we've riffed videos. We did Pranky Doodle Dandy. I think we did Oops All Bits. We did Oops All Bits. There's a ton of old. Episodes, if you haven't heard them before. Oh, there's the Taz Lords of Crunch, which is our serial mascot episodes that we did. That was fun. Oh, yeah. I mean, all of the Charlieverse episodes where your daughter makes a one-shot that is always fully unhinged. That's another Taz Boko. This year, the Taz Boko is Cousinverse because Charlie Cooper, BB Dot, and Henry collabed to create an adventure that I ran. A memorable. For you. Memorable adventure. Yeah, man. It was wild. One of the more memorable hours of my life was recording that. If you can pledge $10 a month, there is a MaxFunDrive exclusive enamel keychain for you designed by Tom Deja. 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This time, we're going to talk about a cursed state, haunted 19th century ritual object, the brush that increases desires. How both very vague and very specific at the same time. It's so specific, dude. It's a brush that increases desires. That's the whole object. It is amazing. It is real, and I'm going to tell you all about it right now. They did. I just want to point, they posed this brush for this photo on a mirror that makes it look like a mimic with teeth that are about to open up. It does look like a little monster. It's scary. I was cursed. I've got the description in another tab, but I just want to show you guys a little bit. Hey, guys. I increase your desires. Let me increase your desires. Hey, ladies. Free brush rides over here. Jesus Christ. It sucks. It sucks. The voice sucks. It sucks. I do want to show you guys, if I could, I'm not going to go through these, but you need to see how wild this space has gotten real quick. The similar items. Okay. This is like, I'm keeping, I need you to know how haunted to watch. I am like using maximum restraint in this by not making our whole podcast about the supernatural world on eBay. Your Baleen-esque filter, Justin, that only keeps the smallest krill in there. I know, dude. Can I read some of these for the people who are not seeing these? Can I have the fourth one there, Griffin? I just want to. Okay, thank you. We got a $100 candle. That's a love spell. Casting, obsession, spell, love, magic, ritual, psychic, witchcraft. But I know you're saying, fuck, but I'm trying to fuck now. I need something immediate in a panic. And can I interest you in a $80 ultra obsession emergency level spell casting, love, ritual, Wicca, pagan, authentic. So this is like- If you have a nut emergency, you need to nut. It's like, I guess they will cast the spell if you buy it. So it's like an instant cameo. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like if they were sitting by- John Leguizamo's like sitting by the phone. It's like, ding. And he's like, oh, fuck, here we go. It's like that. And then we also have a demoness spirit companion succubus siren sex spell. I got a cameo from Richard Schiff for Dwight's birthday. No fucking way. Dude, nine minutes long. You're kidding me. Schiff just watching the Olympics, bullshitting. Unbelievable quality on the Richard Schiff cameo. If you want to get a Richard Schiff cameo, I highly recommend. It was just Richard Schiff. Bullshitting about the Olympics for nine minutes. It was fucking fantastic. I got Sidney at Dulé Hill once, and he recorded like five minutes just talking about stories of his time on West Wing, his time to- He's firing for her candidacy. Unbelievable. Unbelievable hit rate with the West Wing cameos. Anyway, sorry. The fourth item here, become a real vampire, ritual spellcasting, immortality, strength, $40. But then above it, it says almost gone. Almost gone. They only got one left. What does that mean for sports? spells strength dominant power every vampire can only sire 11 other vampires um well actually the number of vampires you can sire depends on your sort of like potency which is ain't that just the way of things so this brush is 120 or as low as 40.94 a month with corna thanks for helping me make good financial decisions i am the i am sad to report that some of the haunted doll space has been overrun by ai so i have to work a little bit harder to find the descriptions that have the real heart and soul to it so a lot of those that you're seeing with like it's a spell yeah i don't care you know somebody's generate whatever so i gotta i gotta find the real shit such as a brush that increases desires collectors understand containment controlled environments minimal handling emotional distance objects like this is this by their ex-wife hey travis no it's obviously in much the same way that you might look at a toaster and you see on the back it says small metal makes brandon hard and hot yeah right item description this is the item description of the brush that increases desires but the description is all like too powerful so toasters don't say like get so hot so so so so hot you must understand do not fuck around with this toaster owners understand one thing burning bridges distancing themselves from anyone who's ever cared about them emotional numbness collectors understand containment controlled environments minimal handling emotional distance objects like this don't awaken in new spaces they remain inert until the moment they cross from custody into ownership the transition is not symbolic it's cognitive what shit how is that different i didn't even think about that dude this 19th century brush was never meant for casual use yeah man even back when it was a brush even back when it was a brush you were really back when it's just a brush it's just a simple brush is children are you playing with papa's brushes again business brush that's his business brush he has important meetings tomorrow with the governor justin that previous statement i just to jump back real quick is that yeah a verbose way of saying no i can't demonstrate it to you right now it doesn't work until you buy it yeah dude you you literally listen objects handled close to the body repeatedly and privately accumulate association we've this is just science so every dildo is haunted every dildo is haunted why did it mean that increases desire that would be a better dildo that increases desire would be better that's just normal it would be weird to have a dildo that decreases desire like you know on second thought over time this cube shaped minecraft dildo is decreasing why did i buy the creeper why did i buy get out of there creeper over time this one absorbed what people brought to it memory mood unresolved thought lines of quiet use layered grief over longing regret over hope nothing malignant just incomplete when it left the collector the brush didn't change i did awesome i was open in a way the previous owner never allowed themselves to be the brush didn't add anything to my life wait it accelerated what was already present yeah questions i'd post questions i'd postpone emotions i'd learn to bypass efficiently it shortened the distance between thought and feeling that is what it offers this is the best ted talk i've ever been to this is what the brush can bring to your life today i mean bupropion is covered under my insurance but it feels like i could probably cut that out of my restaurant yeah you could use your hsa to buy this brush yeah the brush that increased desires the brush that increases desires how is it with executive function does it help with executive function the brush doesn't add to your executive function trev it takes what was already there and execs executives more do you understand the link the symbiotic link between executive and function it makes orders that's one word i do also take something that makes it so the anxious thoughts have a harder time going from let's call it the idea factory to sure the the movie screen for the silent witness inside a little bit i is this going to accelerate that because i'm not so wild about that griffin do you understand that human beings only use 10 percent of their hair brush right yeah yeah yeah the average human being only uses this brush a hundred percent of the hair brush is you this looks straight into your brain when you put it on your head it goes through the skull into the brain that's that's okay that would change you i guess i'm just now kind of looking at this cursed estate on a 19th century ritual object brush that increases desires and just so that i i really hadn't paid much attention to the layout of the bristles on here and this does look like a brush for horses this does look like a brush for horses a horse's brush it has a push broom like consistency to the bristles it does it's very very beautiful i do feel like i should buy the brush that increases desire because i've said it so many times that i'm desiring it now and you do need to be careful because if you buy this you will start buying more stuff your desire will be so increased this is okay once the brush enters your space certain effects are common now the first one that says is smoother hair which i don't think you get any points for that like because that's just regular brush though wait so it's supposed to be used for casual use you just said no that i made that one up oh once the brush enters your space certain effects are common thoughts feel fully formed as if they arrive without preamble like the thought i wasted 120 dollars on this brush oh no no memory how do i tell my wife that i bought a hundred i was i told deborah i never would do it again she's gonna know memories surface without clear triggers can i remember the last time i bought a curse brush can i vote no on that one can i just have that one i'd rather not experience that i got a good like i got a pretty good ladle of memory surfacing without clear triggers thank you yeah emotional pretty hard to forget a lot of shit this was good this is my favorite emotional timing slips and you react faster or later than expected okay but not accurately that's not accurately you'll be way more angry or way more sad than the situation faster or slower so something will happen and you'll react before it or yeah 10 minutes later but not right when it happens if you never see me say oh god the plate just like pay attention start watching for plates you're out of fizzolis with your family and you just what you're like hold on let me think um i did stub my toe earlier today but this feels excessive for that lastly reflective surfaces become difficult to ignore that's so awesome none of this is dramatic that's the problem the brush the brush speeds up recognition faster than the mind prefers like noticing too much at once without the buffer of narrative what antique grooming tools are intimate by design they're handled close to the face used repetitively associated with preparation and self-presentation they sit at the threshold between private thought and public appearance so a new person needs to write a book get off get off of ebay and write a book my friend i want to read it so bad yeah yeah i want to yeah i want more extremely sort of youngian sort of philosophical haunted doll watches i'm really excited about this this new horizon i have been letting this person dictate the pace of my delivery with their paragraph breaks and i'm no longer going to do that okay guys so if you want to stop me from this point on you're going to need two hands okay all right hit it a new owner inevitably does three things it pays attention to the object assigns its significance and incorporates it into routine from there cognition takes over repetition plus emotional load gives any object psychological gravity attention is what fuel using the brush during emotional stress treating it as meaningful or exceptional keeping it near fragile or valued items attributing outcomes to it these behaviors create feedback loops language like it wants it's also how you take care of a gigapet yeah it wants it reacts it externalizes internal states making them feel sourced elsewhere the object doesn't act the meaning active uh-huh shit dude brush favors continuity the brush favors continuity it has outlasted many owners who believe possession implied control what it actually relies on is love consistency over decades it has absorbed not vanity but fracture unresolved decisions stalled conversation alternate versions of people that never fully emerged these don't disappear they compress The brush becomes dense with. With unused cells. What? Fucking hell, man. Everything, everywhere, all at brush. It's the brush that agrees with desire. We love this brush. The first night with a new owner, always an adjustment. The mind maps it into the environment. Don't let the brush sleep in your bed. It's going to want to, but once you go to your house, it's never going to sleep in your room. Give a brush a cookie. If you have a pool house like Ryan had in the OC, that would be actually better. And then it can have its own space, which is nice. There might be a heightened sense of presence, not because anything is watching, but because the owner is. What? Subtle behaviors become noticeable. Delays before responding. Okay. Tonal shifts mid-sentence. Pauses before mirrors, because you can't ignore the reflective. Do I own this brush? The brush functions like a prompt the brain can't control. It's ADHD. What they're describing. I'm. Realizing now. It is the ADHD brush. Yeah, you're going to speak. The brush that gives you ADHD. You're going to speak before you think. You're going to become distracted by reflective services. You're going to react to things maybe long after they happen. You're going to have a big emotional response to little things. You're going to maybe forget what you were doing in the middle of it. You're going to play like 6,000 hours of Stardew Valley. You're going to start emptying the dishwasher, but you're going to end power washing the sidewalk. The most frequently heard phrase is, you're going to hear in your day-to-day life is, now, wait, is this a dream you had or a supernatural episode? Don't give them ideas for games, Justin. You'll throw off the rhythm of these bits. It's been so long since we've done a haunted doll watch on the show. I do just want to make space for the observation that the apologetics game has gotten so much stronger. Because it just used to be that they would say, here's a haunted doll. If it doesn't move for you, then sometimes spirits are shy. Just keep waiting. And in this. In this one, it's like, there is no magic. There is no spirit. There is no God. It's inside the mind. And that is the God. The God's inside your mind. And cognition is, attention is essential for these dolls in your mind eye. Another way of putting that, Griffin, is old conversations will replay. Not as regret, but as unfinished business. Memories are resurfaced not for nostalgia, but for correction. You may feel a low-level urge to reach out, clarify, amend, resolve things. No one else remembers clearly anymore. This is not conflict creation. It's continuity restoration. Is this brush being sold by the narrator from Stanley Parable? This brush is not being sold because I have purchased it. But I understand the question. At night, there can be a bodily sensation, a pressure. Anyways, become a member at Maximum Fund. Maximum Fund. I promise we're using our money in essential ways for the business. You know what I am going to do? You know what I'm going to do? I'm going to fucking raffle it off. Someone will be the lucky recipient of the brush that increases desire. It's on the line. I have ordered it. I've bought it. Hey, hey, hey. I can't talk long. Sorry, I'm on the road or the run. I'm on the road or the run, however you want to say it. But the brush arrived, and I just want to say, super quick update on this. Cancel this. I'm not going to do it. I'm going to keep the brush. I think it's better if I have it, and I don't think anybody should have it. Now that I have the brush. I should see it. I feel like it's better for I will keep it. I can't even read the listing anymore. I fucked it. I cannot believe. Guys, just let me power through the rest of this. I'm almost done. You're kidding me. I promise. Relationships may feel heavier. Conversations run longer. Silence gains texture. Some people lean in, mistaking the wait for depth. Others withdraw, unsettled by how much feel. Some people can't fucking handle the brush, guys. Some people may be like, wait, is this a brush conversation or is this a regular conversation? Is this more of your brush shit? Mark, listen, I love you, and I'm excited for this new chapter in your life, but you need to give me a heads up if it's a brush talk or not, because brush talks are exhausting. I don't have brush. You are the only one with a brush, so I'm off kilter. There's an imbalance here whenever we have a brush talk. Is there a signal you can give me when a pause is a normal pause? And when it's a brush pause, please? Yeah. Something. Just like hold one finger up if it's a normal pause, two fingers up if it's a brush pause. The brush benefits from relational strain because strain generates reflection. Wow. And you can't ignore reflection. We've established that. You can't. It's settled. Reflection is strain leaving the body. The brush encourages repeated use. Baby, it's not me. I want. I didn't want to cheat on you. Brush wanted me to cheat on you. Brush needed this for us. Do you understand, baby? Brush wants us to grow, babe. I love brush. There, I said it. The brush encourages repeated use, not for grooming, for alignment. You shouldn't use this old-ass brush. It's probably gross. Use this old-ass brush, but it wants you to use it as like a foam roller, it sounds like. Owners report an impulse to brush slowly, deliberately. While thinking of different versions of themselves, the one who stayed, the one who left, the one who almost spoke, the one who learned to manage instead of confess, the act becomes a sort of sorting behavior, a rehearsal of cohesion. Once those versions begin to feel adjacent instead of contradictory, resistance decreases. That's the inflection point. Oh, wait, there's a little bit of smudge here. I see it. It actually says the brush that increases depression. Depression. That's crazy. Continuity requires participation. Without it, the object loses specificity. Details blur. The way it feels wrong in the hand. Objects like this are rarely discarded, not because they're dangerous, but because they feel unfinished. Yeah. They wait until someone needs integration badly enough to tolerate discomfort. The brush reflects a simple truth humans often avoid. Everyone fractures. Eventually, someone decides cohesion. Coherence matters more than comfort, and they accept the cost. I've never. This is. If it's a manosphere influencer selling a haunted brush on eBay, this this seems awfully. I'll be honest, a little brainy trap for the for that particular sphere. Let the brush break you down so it can build you back up better than ever. I want to say one thing to you guys. This person. This is OK. Can you just hear me out for a second? Yeah. Yeah. Please. Now that we've gotten to the end of the listing for a cursed estate object, a 19th century ritual object, the brush that increases desires. Yeah. It just a Justin McElroy possession. Based on the novel, push myself. Justin McElroy investment, please. Yeah, please. What I. You know, that person spent a lot of. Maybe like that listing was like way better than it needed to be at all. Sure it was really good, and I think it stands to reason that the only kind of way you could justify spending that much time writing a dope listing for your eBay brush is that maybe. That's really easy for you to do now, because the brush that you've been using, you know what I'm saying? Like maybe the listing is proof. The proof is in the listing that this is functioning. It's functioning as intended. Yeah. So why are they getting rid of it? Because they're done. My question. They're tired of being insufferable, probably. Yeah. Like it sounds like. I want to go back to being stupid. This sucks. Yeah, yeah. This sucks. My thoughts are too fast. Shoot. I'll tell you, more updates as they become available. It will temporarily be a Justin McElroy possession until some lucky person takes it home and increases their desires. No again. Again, the brush is his houses. No again. No again. The brush is his houses, and it's staying right there. Hey, so I want to do a sincere moment here. We have been doing this, as Griffin said, for 15 years, starting in 2010. This is our 15th drive. Our lives have been very much shaped and improved by being on MaxFun and from your support. And we have really worked. We have worked hard to kind of live up to that, adding new things, trying to keep in mind what our supporters would like us to do and that kind of thing. Because I think it's a very symbiotic relationship, and we've been doing more streams. We've been posting video clips from the shows, trying to be more active in everything that we do because it means a lot to us that it means a lot to you. And every year when we do MaxFunDrive, it's the thing. That I think we all kind of very buoyed by, I would say. Now, Justin's clicked on the succubus. Stop it, Justin. Justin, I'm trying to be sincere. He's trying to be sincere, and you're ogling at the vampire sex spell. Get that out of my screen, Juice. We don't need them. Guys, look, we don't need them. For $299, you can make a demonic pact with Lucifer. We're wasting our time with the listeners. The brush is already acting on Justin. Max, Maximumfund.org says join. We need at least $300 to make a pact with Lucifer. There's a 12-month protection spell I need. Guys, to protect me from the push. Then it's got to be $650 so we can make the deal with Lucifer and get a protection spell to cancel out the deal we made with Lucifer. Okay, so we need at least $650. Maximumfund.org says join. You can help get us over our goal of $650. You might be the one we need. Close that window, Justin. There's too many erotic things. Thank you so much. There's lots of great stuff there. Lots of rewards, $5, $10, $20. We mentioned the hundreds of hours of bonus content for just $5 a month. $10 a month, the enamel keychains. $20 a month, you get all that stuff, plus a good, clean, fun toiletry bag or embroidered rocket visor. $35 a month, insulated stainless steel water bottle. All kinds of stuff. $50, $100. $200, $200, all the way up. You can check them all out. You're just saying large amounts of money. $650. I'm bringing it up because the other thing that you can do if you are already a member is to consider upping your donation to the next level or boosting slightly between levels if you're not ready to move up to the next level. Every bit of support helps and matters to us. Whether you become a $5 a month donor or a $200 a month donor, it all matters. All of it adds up. So if you've been a member for a while and you want to up your membership, maybe you've been listening to more shows on MaxFun this year than you were previously and you want to reflect that in your membership, you can upgrade or boost by also going to MaximumFun.org. That's also where you can see all the reward levels, all of the membership levels, everything that you can do to support the shows. Get the brush that increases desire. No, no. Foolish boy, the brushes is ours. Remember, the brushes are ours. It's staying right here at home. And at 3,000 new and upgrading donors, Travis is going to do that Yellowstone Season 2 summary on Clubhouse. And I know you want to make Travis. This network is unlike any other entertainment property that exists in the world. Yes. We've been doing this a long time and we've seen how lots of other places do it. And I would not want to be, I would not want to be anywhere else. Maximum Fun has a truly one-of-a-kind community. It is co-op. It is employee-owned. It's special in so many ways. And if you like this show, then you can keep it going and help us just keep doing our thing, keep making more stuff for you because that's sort of the MaxFun model. And when you support it, you're saying that that way of doing things is good. And I would, I firmly agree with that. And the drive, please think about helping us out. The drive only goes two weeks. So if you are thinking about doing it, if you're ready to do it, go do it now. Don't wait because then you'll forget and you'll miss out on your chance to be part of all the energy and the rewards. The rewards are the best part. Go to MaximumFun.org slash join now. Before you forget, choose whatever level works for you within your budget. Five bucks a month ain't a ton of cash. It's the price of a cup of coffee maybe. In this economy? I don't buy coffee out in the world, but in this economy, it's, I mean, I will say it's about a gallon of gas. So that's fucking wild. Thank you all so, so, so much. Donate now. Does anybody want to throw something? I do want to throw something. I also wanted to mention, and it's a weird sync up with also doing Max Fund Drive, but I'm going to be at the No Theater this Friday. We're doing a fundraiser for the No. It's a casino night. I'm going to be there dealing blackjack and hosting a live auction, which includes a Champions Grove attendance package as one of the auction items. If you go to No Theater dot com, you can get the tickets for Casino Night here in Cincinnati. Come hang out with me, support a great theater. It's going to be super fun. And I organized the whole fundraiser. So I'd really appreciate you coming to show them that I did a good job. I have my ADHD detective pipe that I could throw. I got a Yoshi. I got Yoshi. What if we did simultaneous throws? No, I think it's a two parties. Bring a throw. A bowl. And the other party has to. I want Griffin to throw the Yoshi just because I'm worried about trying to break his pipe. That's fair. We'll break. OK, BRB. Three, two, one. Yoshi made a pretty good noise. It's a really good noise. That was a really good Yoshi. Made a great noise. Griffin is in frame. Did I get it in frame? You nailed it. That was great. I had the little mountain behind me really helps. It's like a good target targeting. My name is Justin McElroy. I'm Travis McElroy. I'm Griffin McElroy. It's been my brother. My brother may kiss your dad square on the lips. But it's better with you. Maximum Fun, a worker owned network of artist owned shows supported directly by you. No, no, again, you buffoon. It's houses, the brushes, houses, and it's not leaving here.