MBMBaM 808: Let Your Body Be the Dumpster

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? What, do you think it's the start of something beautiful, a small quaintant has blossomed, it's wrapping into a precious friendship. I could have never seen what was coming for me, hangs at the skate park, hangs by the beach, my life, it feels like. It's better, it's better with you, my life, it's better, it's better with you, this is true, it's better, it's better with you, my life, it's better with you. Hello everybody, welcome to my brother, my brother, and me, an advice show for the modern era. I'm your oldest brother, Justin McElroy. What up, Travnation, it's me, your middle-est brother, Travis, big dog, wolf, wolf, room, the heater, award-winning McElroy. What's up, Travnation, it's me, sweet baby, brother. Davis McElroy. I get it. It's me, it's fucking me, Griffin, in all seriousness, no April fool, I have a big announcement. This is not an April fool, gonna get my Visek to me redone. Redone. Yeah. Not re. No, sorry. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, is this a joke? Well, I think I could streamline the whole process, and mostly it's for efficiency, is that right now? I feel like the way that it was done wasn't that efficient. April fool's you guys, I'm not getting my Visek to be redone. What the fuck, man? It's not anything, you're worse than my kid. What the fuck, man? And why would you, first of all, why would you say that it was not a prank, only to twist it? And to do it about something like really sensitive, and when we talk about our sectos to each other, that's important, brother stuff, and it feels like you've made a joke of it, and all of us. Okay, then I will get it redone, since I made the joke. Saying you'll get it redone, it makes it sound like you got it reversed, and now you're getting it unreversed, and I don't see a scenario where, no, that's not happening. I just think it could be sportier. Okay. Sleeper. Sleeper. But fuck you. But fuck you. Because it was a goddamn prank joke, but now I'll do it seriously, because you're so mad, and I want to fix the real shit to get your Visek to be done. I don't want you to, I don't want anything to happen to you down there. I could get the other one done. I just had one ball done the first time, I'll get the second ball done to even it out. Oh, guys, give me a second. My recording stopped for some reason. Are we recording the backup? We are. Yes. Um, what I would probably do, Griff is just, start again and recount. Yeah. Yeah, however you want to do it. I'm going to keep ours going. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fisher. Sorry. Yeah, I don't know how that happened, guys. This is not April Fool's. Sorry. I know it seems like it is. It's like this might be like a really choice April Fool, but it's not my shit really stop. Let me know when you're ready. Okay, I am ready. This is fucked up, guys, this is not a prank. This is for real. My shit froze up and stopped, and so I don't have to. Okay, what count? Okay. What? Two. Three. Four. Five. Six. April fucking fools you guys. My shit wasn't broken. It was a prank the entire time. I said it wasn't, but now actually, but actually what I just did was the prank because I did not. I did. I don't know if I even started my recording if I'm being honest with you guys. So if I sound different now than I did it for the first three minutes, it is because I did lose my, that audio and we did have to take the back up, but now it's different. So like it was, it was not a prank, me saying it was a prank was a prank. So I'm like three layers deeper than you fucking gibbonies. This morning, my kids came in at like 615 in an attempt to prank us, they were going to put it. Some like rubber snakes and worms on Theresa's face, but they kicked something, they were, they kicked something as they came in and we woke up, but here was a little prank I played where I only woke up about 60% and heard we were going to prank you and then I went back to sleep. But the end result of this was by the time I did get up at 645 to get them up and ready for school, they were ready for school, they were ready to go. And I was like, this is the best prank ever. Anytime you guys want to wake up early, minus the rubber snakes and worms on your mom's face. I would even take that. If you guys are ready to go, if you're getting such a jump on it, I would love that prank. I would love that prank. The prank sounds so good. That prank sounds great. Here's the pranks that I woke up to today. First of all, Charlie warn Sydney about her quote, cornucopia of pranks. So that kid's already sunk. She's going to be a nerd no matter what I did. The die is cast, but they had set up a quote, cornucopia of pranks. That began with Sydney went in to wake them and they had put pillows under there and hidden in the bathroom to scream at her, when she went to, which is good. That's true. That one I heard about while I was showering and she was reporting this to me, I was like, that's good. Good prank. I like it. And then I go into the bathroom adjacent to the kitchen and they have covered the toilet with saran wrap. Yeah. That's good. A little yucky that one. Yeah. Cooper has made a turn out of play dough and put it on top, which is a real thinker at this point, a thinker and a stinker of a prank, because it's like a floating turd. Yeah. That might make you scared. Like it's a ghost poop that's gotten into it. And they're like, then they're both like, they really need something out of the fridge instantly. Both definitely need something out of the fridge. And I open the fridge and there's a picture of a scary girl that they've drawn and I open it. It's like, I know somebody wants me to do something to this reaction to someone wants some kind of reaction. Did you find it? Did you find it inside yourself? The correct. Yeah. He's afraid. And then Cooper's like, I want chocolate milk and then I was like, okay, we wouldn't normally do that, but I see where this is going. And then as I'm made about to unscrew the milk, they're both looking at me like, here it goes. Awesome. And then when I go to open the door, there's like, just sit on the handle and they're like, yeah, we put some stuff on there too. It's like, just like a fucking bonus. And then I realize every handle in the fucking house has this stuff on it. What is it? It's like some sort of jelly like some sort of jelly like jelly on it. Careful. The things you say. I know. Right. Children will jelly. They also, they've dyed the milk blue, which is fun. A prank on them. More than anything. It sounds like. Yeah. They just wanted me to. Here's my favorite prank. They've done this every year. They take all the cushions off the couch and throw them on the floor. That's so fucking frustrating and good. Harmless and the real jackass shit, real, absolutely harmless and harmful in equal measures. Really good stuff. Yeah. Do you guys remember that episode where Bam, Marjara took all of his parents cushions off the couch and then they watched two security cameras while the parents came home in the way? Bam. Oh, I jumped in there. He jumped in there. Slap and his dad's belly over and over and over and over again. How come all of his pranks in that way? Yeah. Yeah. Mine just in with messes that I have to clean up later. I did one. I did one prank to my kids and they didn't even find it. I put, we have like a fam, I'm build a tack board for us and it's got like the family calendar on a screen. And I added to today's calendar from 10 to 6 move grandpa Dan into the playroom. I was really hoping to, I know it's still time, I mean, there's still time for them to discover that. But by the time they get home from school, it will have passed, you know, like they need to do it. So you have to move that at the end of the morning. What? Move grandpa Dan in while they're at school and the hurtling stuff. And then when they're like, what, why is grandpa Dan living in the playroom? You could be like, I put it on the calendar. Sorry, Travis. How would I get in touch with grandpa Dan? Do you know how the man's forever? I forgot. How on earth would I begin to approach grandpa Dan about participating in this? That man doesn't participate in Sunday dinner conversation. I'm going to rope him into a gift. I forgot that grandpa Dan went no contact with you, Jelston. No, that's not true. I helped him set up his email eight years ago. Mine didn't do any prank. Wait, no, hold on, I bought him a COVID test 18 months ago. I don't remember that. Now I was at his house by myself. Do you have a little note like pin to your shirt? I was like, grandpa Dan, this is Jelston. You know him. You can accept a COVID test from him. It's safe. I try to cut back on candy as I get older, but I've run into a problem. I can't stop sneaking piece from my children's very large stash of candy that they've accumulated from Halloween, birthday parties, et cetera. If they haven't put it away and I have to do it for them, that's a big deal. my perfect opportunity to sneak a fun size pack a sour patch kids twigs or other one. Perfect. The perfect amount, the perfect fun size should be called adult size, because it's the perfect amount for a grown up to Edward, Edward Norton says in the SNS, they call it fun size. No argument here. They mostly don't notice, but sometimes I have to pretend I don't know where the pack of rollos they wanted to try has run off to. How can I curb this behavior and stop crushing the sugar filled dreams of my children? Also, what are top five candies to sneak out of your children's supply? That's from crushing candy in California. Snickers, fun size Snickers bars are adult protein energy nuggets and kids have no right. My kiddos don't like them. And so I feel zero guilt reaching in and grabbing these perfect, perfectly mouth sized go go bars. That's like number one. Yeah. My kids, there's something about like the nugget in there. You know, there's the peanuts in there, so that like not all bits, but if it's like, whoa, somebody tried to throw like a trap into my candy bar and out of like a crunch. They're not going to go for it. And that's my favorite thing. That's my favorite is the crunch that he loves the crunch and needs it. I will also saying you're an adult, you have to cut back. I understand health in one. But one of my favorite things about being an adult versus the child is, I can buy candy whenever I can have it. I go to the store. I don't have to convince my dad to let me get candy anymore. I could just do it. That's what you're a number one guy boy. Yeah. Yeah. There's no problem. I've really recondextualized candy for myself guys because like I feel like I went through a long time avoiding candy, thinking as a childhood thing, this best days are behind me. But as a young pretty high more reminds us in Charlie the chocolate factory, candy doesn't have to have a point. That's why it's candy. You know what I mean? You can just take that again. You are close on candy. Can you give me just one more read? Candy doesn't have to have a point. That's good. And I feel that way now. I'll just, you know, you don't need a reason. Well, if they have reason, all eat it. Yeah. Yeah. Reasons help. I'll do all that chocolate and all that chew. Absolutely. That's never an Halloween candy. I would absolutely probably right. I feel like if there's no reason to ever eat candy, right? So that's candy. No reason to ever eat candy. Then there can't be a reason to cut back. Yep. Good. Right. There's no behavior to nullify there. You're saying because you don't need a, you don't need a reason to eat candy. You just see some candy and you're like, fuck it. I have candy. Go for it. When I was in college, when I was in college at my 20s, I consumed a lot of alcohol. Yeah. Right. I'll do exactly the same. No, I don't do that. Exactly 100% the same. But the same as candy. Let me finish my point. The two monsters. I don't do that anymore because if I took the hurry and it's sorry, I'm sorry, man, they're sorry, man. The wheel, you know, the wheel goes around like we were, we push it around. I'm sorry. No, but okay. You, you, you should have a glass of wine. Nine times out of 10. My body is like headache time. Right? That doesn't happen with candy. Right. So my body is telling me, hey, candy is way better, right? There's so many worse things that I could put in my body. I can't come, cut back on everything at once. One time, this is cute and everything. One time I ate a five pound bag of Swedish fish over the span of about a month and a half because someone sent it to our PO box and my, I consumed so much perven wax that my body became a candle factory and it fucked up my system so bad that now when I eat too much candy, it does make me feel very sick. And I know that that's like my whole fucking thing around these parts. So like for me, do I have a trap? There's obviously an in between Griffin. You realize that, right? Like get yourself a candy bar. There's the other side of this. Yannos. Yannos. He's got me again. Serpent. The other side is I have had, I have kept bags of Cadbury mini-eggs in my freezer long as the risen savior. And I'll develop a sort of emotional dependence on them in a way that I know can't be good and will send me looking for them in May, which I am certain is not right. In many ways, you've done. I do understand the idea. In many ways, you've given Condia Point there juice. And I feel like maybe even when you give Condia Point, that's when it turns on you. It must be pointless. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. The dependence on maybe is too much of a point. Who among us has not eaten a family size bag of mini-heath bars in one sitting to a point where they've given themselves so much jaw, soreness and damage that they might have to seek out a dentist appointment. Happy candy. That's one of the best things about candy is when your body starts rejecting it. Like they call it a job breaker because your body's like, what the what are you doing? Too big. Crazy. You're going to know on this and grind your teeth down until at a point where I can perfectly choke on it. What is wrong with you? Hey, look at the question. Your priority needs to be not getting caught because kids fucking hate when you take their stuff. They hate that shit so much. Start out with the fruity tutsy rolls. Start out with your jolly ranchers. Things that don't carry a huge footprint. If you eat a whole bag of skittles, they will notice that that is missing. That's too big of a footprint. They can see that shit from from the top looking down into the barrel into the barrel. The barrel of candy that you have. For some reason, my kids only when it comes to candy collected in the wild say gravitate towards the fruity the sour right versus the chocolate. Especially the weirder chocolate. The weirder chocolate candies is usually safer. But I am at once a certain maturity has reached for the candy. You're going to lose some to entropy anyways. So me eating some of it is really just keeping it out of the landfill. That's a really good point though. That's really nice. Well, you let your body be the dumpster. We've talked a lot about candy recently. We're kind of I think about I've been thinking about candy a lot lately. I just think it's great. I mean like. Yeah. All three candy boys. Candy is also better now than it ever has been. That is something that's tough with like when we were growing up, there was time to find a candy and really fall in love with it. And I feel like these days science is working so fast and tic-tock is working so fast. The candies are like wild man. They like emotional candies. Like if you've seen like Dubai chocolate, that's a chocolate that takes you on an emotional journey where you feel like you're eating dusty cotton candy halfway through. And it's like, but it's good in a weird way. And then it's yeah. Yeah. And you feel at the end of it like you've been somewhere. It's like Disney Soren. It takes you. It didn't move, but you win somewhere. Yeah. Exactly. It's transported. You used to be back in the day. You get real into cream savers and then they stop making cream savers. And then you'd be like, well, I guess I'm done having cream savers. But now you, anything's possible. Like you can get there's a, there will be some store, some boutique store that's like we still do cream savers. We still do tastations. We fuck with all of that stuff. Nothing. Nothing can, nothing will ever die. Beautiful. Candy is good. Beautiful man. I was at my local sprouts the other day buying eggs. What sprouts? That grocery store, I guess? Yeah. My tongue seems to have a mind of its own. It falls that nope. I looked through I look at them. I looked at all of the egg in the goddamn store. Like I have a ocean monster. I look through three cartons and each one had one to two lightly cracked eggs. I realized it would be pretty easy to swap out some uncracked from other cartons for the cracked ones and even to fix up the other cartons as I went. I started to swap cracked out for uncracks. And then I realized in the time it'd taken me already there were other patrons watching and waiting for their turn with the eggs. I grabbed my now pristine cart and scurried away. Is it okay to build myself a box of good eggs? And it's oh man. Just what I think we've answered them all. Okay. Can I just say I'm not going to finish the question. Okay. You know the answer is no. Right. You know it. You know that. And the way you know that way, the way you know that is when you go to egg town in the grocery store they don't hand you an empty carton and say take your pick of our 12 finest make your own six back. You get what you get and you don't get upset. That's the rules of eggs at the grocery store. Now do you check them? Do you check you check them though? Every time in this economy, I mean in any economy I do think our mother probably ingrained in us that behavior. I checked that shit 10 times out of 10 got to. But if I find it crack one, put it back. I just put that carton back. You'll find one and I can't look until I find the shinies. Yeah. Yeah. Dig down. They're in there. Find a better one. I mean you can't do this. You can't do this because the moment perception is reality to a certain point and if another patron sees you place a cracked egg into a carton, you have for all intents and purposes broken that egg. Like you put a broke it. You've done it. You're culpable now. You've got there's egg on your hands. Well, this is also how you get a rush on things, right? People see this happening and then just somebody goes like, "Hey, this guy's taking all the good eggs!" Yeah, yeah. He must be some kind of problem. Hey, we're running out of eggs! Everybody, quick! Gaston came to town, he's eating four dozen eggs every morning to help him get large! Get this guy! Do you think he would show up at the end of the day, blood? If you have any dirty. I don't want this! I don't need them! Listen, they're so expensive! If you have any dirty, cracked ones, all eat those! I went to buy six eggs! They're too expensive! Please! They'll be, he, Gaston, is a hundred percent a Trump voter and is a hundred percent complaining the most about the rising cost of eggs. Uh-huh. And I'm not wrong. And I'm never wrong. Never the twain? Never. He inflated the price in this town. He's eating four dozen eggs every morning. Yeah. Right. From a town where they're not, this is an old-timey French rustic town, they're not shipping and refrigerated eggs. The chickens are doing their goddamn best to keep up. They do their best, man. They are so tired, these chickens. I don't want the woman goes to buy six eggs, so they're too expensive, because Gaston's sucking down on these. Yeah, that's not head-tanning. He says eggs are too expensive and Gaston later says, "I eat 50 eggs a day!" Rounding up! You can safely round up my number of morning eggs to 50. It is not covered in the lyrics of the work, but I do have to imagine that no one farts like Gaston. 50 eggs. Ah! 50 eggs is going to become something else in you. Every day 50 eggs. So much eggs, my man. Who's the real beast? One of them's farts takes two and a half minutes to come out. Who's the real beast again? Remind me? What if I was kind of rude to a witch who showed up in the disguise? Yeah, one. Yeah, when he was trying to kick ass party, and his stranger was like, "Let me in your house." And he was like, "No." And he was like, "No, I don't think so." I was like, "Boom! You're a beast now until you find love." And meanwhile Gaston is killing a generation of future chickens. Yeah. He's wiping them out single handedly, and the witcher's like, "Keep it up, big guy." Gaston sharts so hard, it creates two realities. Sorry, but we were shat, and did not shat. It fractures. Oh, it throws darts like Gaston, or breaks hearts like Gaston, or let's out all those terrible and sharks like Gaston. I feel like time is such a flat circle, and we've been doing this show so long that I feel like we've written an entire Gaston-shitting song before I feel like- Almost certainly. And I feel like we've ramped into what is the toilet like in the Beast Mansion that is a lot. Yeah. Like there's a scene. We definitely hit those notes. In situations like this, I only pray it's been more than 50 episodes, and this was not like something we did three months ago, because that's happened in the past, and that's not good for the old psyche. Yeah. I killed toddlers whenever I fought. I don't know. Thank you, Gaston. He's full of Gaston. He's called the name. Gaston. That's how he got the name. He rips on you. He says, "You got Gaston," and then he can- I have what I call a curious tongue when I go to the dentist. It falls the dental tools around my mouth trying to see what is going on. Awesome. I feel embarrassed that I fill out my guard down. My tongue starts wandering towards the scraper and getting the way of the cleaning. What should I say beforehand or do if it happens again while I'm getting my teeth cleaned? That's from Lucky Lucy. So this- This happens to me. No, sure. Here. Got a big tongue. So I had to get a CPAP. My dentist. My dentist. In the middle of this like three hour full work, like clear of my schedule. I got to use these boys' crowns and cavities. My dentist was getting mad at my tongue, and here's what I'll tell you, my tongue's doing its job. That tongue- Get out of here. Get out of here. Letting your guard down. Your tongue's keeping its guard up, fighting off invaders, that's what your tongue should be doing. Yeah. We were all- You're strongest muscle. You're trying to see people say that. People say that. The tongue is the strongest muscle, but I don't think it's right because if you think about how arms lift up weights, many heavy weights, and if you attempted that with your tongue, it would be impossible. So I don't think that's right. But just- And the legs are muscles that keep up the body, and that is quite a task. A tongue. Don't think the tongue. A tongue can start a war or make peace. And if you're talking about the penis mightier, you're going to be able to, then I'm with you on that. But- And your arms start on the strongest muscle. And that's beside the point, my tongue can't pick stuff, like my tongue can't pick up the head. Here's the arm muscle. I can whistle with my tongue. Look at the size of the arm muscles. You look bigger. Like, look at the size of the arm muscle versus the tongue. But per inch, if I had an arm size tongue, I'd be fucking cranking away. But you know, you say that per inch, but tongues aren't that size, are they? I mean, they aren't. Well, they stretch down. I have a lot of inner tongue, so they do say they are not far. One Oreo mini is an extremely satisfying dessert if it's very, very, very large, larger than a regular Oreo. Yeah. That's not true. Saying it doesn't not make it so. You know? It's interesting. Your tongue's interested. It doesn't often have visitors in there. It doesn't often have, like, you don't often put mirrors in your mouth to, like, chill for a bit. So, like, of course, your tongue's interested. It's curious. It's curious. And that's good for it. Also, the rest of the time, I would say the amount of time, the percentage of time I spend today actively thinking about what my tongue is doing and controlling it is very, very small. Yeah. Maybe, maybe 20 percent of the time I'm thinking about my tongue actively. 20 to the idea that it's, like, right now you need to have full, complete control over what your tongue's doing. Yeah. It's not possible. Tell yourself something. You're actually thinking about your-- Talk to my speech therapist from elementary school. She'll tell you. Yeah. So, I think not your fault if the dentist is doing very interesting things because it used to be all scrapers and pointy edges and it's fair play to keep the tongue away from there. But lately, there's a lot more interesting lasers and lights on, yeah, man. Yeah. I don't know if you've noticed some of this. And those mouth vacuums are getting stronger every year. Taking turns. Taking turns doing scans. I'm having this. There's a lot of interesting stuff happening over there. I'm not. I think the tongue deserves a little butchers from the zone. I'm often averse to going to the dentist, mostly just from a very childish sort of anxiety about it. I will cop, too. But I do kind of constantly wish I had one tube going in this side of my mouth squirt and my mouth with water always and then one tube in the other side of my mouth sucking that water right now. Like a fremency. Like a fremency to it. And I don't have to swallow. I don't have to do any of that shit. It's just like the good, wet, refreshing feeling of in my mouth all the time without me having to do fucking anything to get it. That's awesome. I think that if your tongue is curious, you're not going to stop it from poking around. That's why I distract my tongue with a little iPad in there. Yeah. While they're working on this side. Yeah. Tongues watching YouTube shorts over here. Yeah. Keep it distracted. Keep it out of the way. Doing tricks. Do. Do overactive puppy rules. And just be like, listen, just let him get a sniff around. Yeah. Put the tool in for a couple minutes. Just let him get a good, like get him get a real good sense of the whole thing. He won't be interested. He'll be interested. But you do got to let him get in there and just put my ass asleep. Put my ass asleep. If you don't want my tongue to get up in there, put my ass asleep. Insurance is fuck this country. So bad, man. The whole racket. Cause they used to just put you the fuck to sleep if they had to even do anything in there. Cause they didn't want to get licked. They didn't want to get licked by you, you know. What have you found out that they put you in anesthesia, right? Knock your ass out. And your tongue is even more active now. You think so. And it's like, okay, listen, now all of the energy is just going to the tongue. And the tongue is just like, ha ha, hello dentist, we meet again. I don't like thinking about my tongue that much. I don't, I obviously know it's there, but I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't pay it much mine. How you do? Travis says this is a big source of strength for him, apparently. Yeah, I know. Guys, after my dentist said, you have a huge tongue. Yeah. He said, uh, because she's never seen her, she said top three. I haven't stopped. That's got to get better. That's got to feel fucking good, man. Wow, I've never had anything like that in my life. That's got to feel fucking great dude. Pretty good. Yeah. And also my kids recently and understood I have a big crease in my tongue to the point where they were concerned that I had a cut through the middle of my tongue. Like, and I was like, no, that's just, my tongue is big. And they were like, wow. Are you okay? She made you feel it way. I know what she used to make you feel it way. Her tongue. Yeah, man. That's crazy, man. The tongue truly is my dear than the pen, even. Damn it. I would say the power rankings for me go gun obviously, then below that tongue and pen, tongue is slightly above, but pen is, I mean, it's still way, way, way higher up than swords. Yeah. Can you imagine a gun that your tongue could use to write something? That would be cool. Yeah. If I could finish, sure it can come in below sword, those, and that's just for how difficult that they are to properly throw those in. and execute them. Beneath that baseball bat, beneath that brass knuckles. - What about gun blade? - Non-chucky dilification. - Gun blade is still a gun. So it's, again, right there at the top number one. - Non-chucky. - What's that? - Non-chucky, non-chucky. - So my list doesn't have any sort of chained weapons, so you're not gonna have a like a play all year. But both staff is on there, yeah. But it's below pin. 'Cause it's like a pin that's too big. - This is the second time. - People ask this about the candy thing earlier. I would love to do more rankings like this. I think there's a huge market for that 10 years ago, and I would love to get into it then. 'Cause I think that would be a lot of good solid material. I, what if we did a ranking video that was candy and bladed weapons? And you had to, like a tear list. - Yeah. - But it was kind of like both of those. - And not separate. - No, not separate. Just to save time. - People save your time. - I do like bladed weapons and candy, and just like, why are we separating them out by tears? - Like someone to be like, I think Katana is better than Twigs. - Yeah. And then you have to decide, 'cause you don't have better than Twigs. - Yeah. - Not better, just like a, is it better? - At the same tier. - Where would you put them? - Where would you, how would they clock in? - You're not doing it for free. - Yeah. - Like I'm not guys, don't, don't give it away. - We're not doing it here. - Yeah. - We gotta get our payday. - So that's a candy symbol. - Oh my god, Travis. Oh my god, Travis. That was good, man. Let's go to the money zone. (upbeat music) - It's better. It's better with you. (upbeat music) - Hey folks. Has this ever happened a year? Your dentist tells you you've got one of the top three biggest tongues they've ever seen. And now you need to find yourself a specialist to help you deal with the ensuing medical problems that go with having a gigantic tongue. Well, good news. - Specialists for being the specialist. - I'm just saying, you're not in and alone. You know, or maybe you got diagnosed with ADHD. And you need that. Or you had to get glasses the same year you were diagnosed with ADHD. And you had a big tongue, so you had to see a speech therapist. And you needed to find specialists for all these things. Good news. You're not in this alone nine year old Travis. I mean, random listener at home. (laughing) - Travis, that was really the year you got your groove back though. - Oh yeah, man. And did he start going to the talented and gifted program one Friday, every week where someone will go, "Hey, nerd, get out of here." And had to start taking riddle in every day at near and the princel's office. - This is a really specific listener, Travis. Sounds like you know him so super well. - No, this is all off the top of my head. And so you're not in this alone. You have a friend in the sock talk to help you find these specialists that you need. And in all kinds of different areas, not just giant tongue related areas, which I don't think is actually connected to my ADHD, but I'm not a doctor. - Yeah. - With sock talk, you can find a doctor to tell you if your ADHD is connected to your giant tongue. And maybe even get a same day appointment, incredible. - Yeah. It's not just big tongue stuff. Maybe you got big ear. It's like whatever they can find it. They can find a guy for you. - Yeah. - Absolutely, a big ear. - And it is a free app and website that helps you find and book highly qualified in network doctors. So you can find someone you love. Dermatology, dentistry, primary care, all kinds of stuff, all kinds of specialties. You can search by symptom or whatever you need to find the care team that's right for you. And they have real-time availability. You can book instantly. So no like phone tag, no waiting for something to call you back. Now that stuff, stop putting off those doctors of women to go to sockdoc.com/mybrother to find an instantly book, a doctor you love today that's zocdoc.com/mybrother. sockdoc.com/mybrother. Thank you, sockdoc, for sponsoring this message. - Do you have a huge tongue? And you're ready to make money off that bad boy. You're gonna need a good online destination for people to come to to see you doing stuff, push ups, Yoshi play, stuff like that. And can I suggest if you're gonna build it down? What's that? - I gotta write this down. - Can I suggest if you are gonna build a website where you can charge people money to watch you Yoshi play then maybe, not maybe, definitely. You should depend on Squarespace. Squarespace. - What's better, tongueboy.com or boytong.com or boytong.pizza. - Are they all available? - Yeah. - None of those, don't ever, don't do any of those. - Okay. - Squarespace gives you everything you need to offer your services online, get paid with online payment services, invoices, appointment, scheduling, built into your website, email marketing tools, everything that you need to run your business and connect with people online or sell your goods and services on a number of different platforms. They have a library of beautiful templates with options for every category that you might need. You can edit those by drag and drop sort of editing. It's super easy. You don't have to know anything about coding 'cause we don't and we've all made Squarespace stuff and it's truly a treat to make a beautiful looking thing on Squarespace and make it look like you know what you're doing. - I went ahead and got big, bigboytong.gov. - Okay, good for you, man. - Yeah, got right in there. - I had to pay $250,000 for it. - To who? - The government. - Janana, wait. - We didn't do the call to action. So head to squarespace.com/ - I was so good. Just really good. - So head to squarespace.com/mybrotherferafree trial and when you're ready to launch, use offer code MyBrother to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. - Janana, Janana, Janana. - Yes. - What? - Janana, Janana. - Oh yes. - I don't know why. - Oh man, I didn't do them. I forgot to prepare much quad. - Oh. - Dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun. I want a munch. - Oh, you got it. - This is fucking dead blasted. - It's April fools. - Yeah, man. - Dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun. - Yes, fuck you. - What, six fucked up shit if they'd done this year, man? - This is, well, dirty with their filth. - I have. - This is actually, Justin, if I remember in the past, you have abstained. You've said like, this is where they're like playing ice, and I get in the wild shit in there. - What's different this year? - What'd you say? - Well, this year, I have two activities. The first is a real product that should be a joke. Mikey's late night slice and Lion's Clubs cookies partner to create pizza inspired cookie. - Wait, I'm gonna show you a picture. - All of the cookies pizza inspired? - Shit. - You're twisted. - That's deep, man. - I can't believe we showed them. - I know. - Show both these things to an alien. - Oh wow, that's cool. - Wait, that's a cookie that's also pizza. - Well. - So, let me tell you about this. Two of Columbus's most iconic food brands are blurring the lines between dinner and dessert. Lion's Club Cookies recently named the number two cookie shop in the nation. - Whoa. - And it's in today. And the legendary Mikey's late night slice. - Don't worry about it. They've announced a collaboration that sounds like an April Fool's prank, but it's very much a reality. The Cubs Zone. The Cubs Zone is a culinary crossover that marries the nostalgic thick bake style of Lion's Club with the bold irreverent flavors of Mikey's late night slice. It's not joke or it's a gimmick, it's a meticulously crafted savory and sweet pizza party. The Cubs Zone starts with Lion Club's signature sugar cookie dough infused with Mikey's secret spice blend. - Huh. - The center is layered with Mikey's signature marinara and their famous gooey cheese blend. - What? - Along with many pepperonis. - And then top with a crunchy bait on cheese crust and more pepperoni for a textural finish that mimics the perfect slice. - No, no, no, no, no, no. - It mimics it so good, in fact. - Yeah. - Yeah. - For the sugar cookie crust? - It can't be the sweetest sugar cookie, right? Like they've cut it. They've cut it with something, right? Like that might be okay if it's not too sweet. - Like a sugar crust. Like if it's a sugar crust, maybe? - Yeah. - But it sounds like they got, they started and they were like-- - The signature sugar cookie dough infused with Mikey's secret spice. Travis, you could get there, bud. Columbus, you could get there. - You could get there. It does feel like-- - Yeah, this is the only label, no. - The palette. - They started and we're like, we're gonna make it cookie that looks like a pizza, but it's actually a cookie. So we've made a shit ton of sugar cookie dough. And then they said, oh, we don't actually know how to do the rest of it. - We'll just make it a tiny pizza. - Oh, but we already made all the sugar cookie dough. - Trap, trap, trap, trap. - The Cubs zone will be available warm from the oven at both Lions Club cookies locations and six Mikey's late night slice locations. Oh, it says excluding Cincinnati. - Sorry, I got really excited. - Oh my god, sorry, oh man. - Why does it explicitly say that? - How exciting is it? - Slides excludes Kimberlie of Hollywood Casino Dayton and Cincinnati. - And try out of great venues. - And it says they know what they did. That's wild. - Yeah. - Here's what I'm like thinking, look at this thing. Probably gross might fuck. It's probably, I would say it's 85. - Oh, we tried to find out. - 85% gross, definitely. 15%, actually it fucks. - Together. - How's it get them pepperoni so little? - Those are the littlest tiniest ronies I've ever seen. - We wanted to do that. the thing brands always pretend they're doing on April 1st, something so ridiculous people assume it's fake and then actually do it. It's called innovation Bradley. So. Yeah. Lions club and Mikey's are in perfect match for this type of thing. We're both local, deeply connected our community, we're not afraid to have fun with creativity. Says Bradley. Now you can see this guy. My brain's looking at this, it's like the TARDIS, where my brain keeps sliding off of it as I try to look at it. Yeah. Yeah. It definitely looks like a small pizza. How do you mean? Oh, that's a pizza. And then it's like, well, no, that's a cookie. No. So how do you get a pepperoni that's small to cut, be that fucking. The mini, crispy pepperoni. It's insane. It tasted the cheese. So right. I am. I am going to close this out. I wanted to spend a considerable amount of time talking about this because it's a real thing that's really happening and that's worth something still. Or are they fucking like me, nine metal layers deep, and them saying, this is not a prank. Until I get one of these in my hands, I'm going to assume it's like a double, a sort of double faint prank attack. We are going to rank the top 15 food brand jokes that drop today for April Fools' day. Awesome. I got the list fresh from Delish. These all drop today. And I just want to get your guys' hot takes S through D. Yeah. What's the rank? Yeah. You guys are professional comedians, much like myself. First up, Halls is doing grandma's purse flavor with a hint of lavender and lint. It makes me sad. Yeah. It makes me sad. Your vintage taste. Can I get a letter, guys? D. I don't think that's very funny. It's a cohesive idea. It makes me nostalgic. It's like D is in Bobby because it's like really hard to know otherwise. D is in Dobby. D is in dog shit. D is in dog shit. D is in dog. So the worst it could be. Okay. So what's up, Mash Gang is a non-alcoholic beer brand bringing you chug IPA. It's a keg that replaces the office cooler with a keg of non-alcoholic beer. I don't think that would actually happen. I'm going to say that's probably a false. I'm going to say that one's not real. That one's not real. That one's not real. They're all false. They're all false. What's the letter grade of this joke? D. D. Yeah. I'm just saying man. Like do do it. Okay. I'm chewing as so overrated as the tagline of this coconut chicken curry protein drink. Mild spice. D. D for me, I think knowing it's not real, it's just like the joke needs to be more than like wouldn't our ship be so fucking yucky if we mush. This is what it looks like inside you when your body turns it to shit. Isn't that fucking funny? I'm going to retroactively bump the keg water cooler one up to a sea. Because at least if I saw that one in the wild, they're like, what the fuck? Right. Yeah. I would just be like, that's great. Some of these are just like, it feels like product research. Yeah. They're like putting it out like wouldn't it be crazy if we scribble, scribble, scribble, AI, AI, AI? Yeah. Two people like it. Help. Next up. Stellarosa pickle. This is not pickle is in like everything these days. Yeah, man. Yeah, but it's like pickle. It's like fancy. It's like a fancy pickle wine. I'm telling you that. I like that. I like that. You really preface this well if this is them going, but would you all would you, I'll say see just because pickle wine does feel good on the on the on the tip of the brand. I would try it. It pairs perfectly with the deli sandwich and a side of skepticism. Phoenix. Stellarosa, you're busting up my goddamn sides. You guys are really having a laugh eight o'clock coffee has this. And AI powered alarm clock that brews a pot of coffee at 8 a.m. So that exists. I don't. So that exists. Yeah, that exists. I don't need an AI for that either. I mean, AI. I'm super dead in AI. You didn't. I mean, we know that they didn't, is that the joke? The joke is that we, I can't buy my pop all the PlayStation five because a clock coffee needed AI and it's fucking April Fool's Day alarm clock. It feels like a day to me again, Greg. I'm actually gonna say an F on this one for like that however many acres of rainforests that this image and brain space took up. All right. Here we go. Now we're talking. Now we're talking. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, we got the baby bottle pop adulthood survival collection with flavors like fiber, protein and salmon. Fucking good. Funny. That's funny. That's funny. That's A tier. That's A tier. And I'll tell you why it's because this is a part, this baby bottle pop is already. It's already playing in some pretty like wild abstract spaces. This is a baby's candy, but they should have it because now it's adult and it's got fiber flavor. What's fiber? There's something about baby bottle pop realizing I exist as a human being that is funny to me because like baby bottle pop has of course been part of my life for the past 11 years. But baby bottle pop has never seemed concerned with knowing I exist. But when baby bottle pop turns its eyes towards me and says you need salmon, that's, it's pretty good. Yeah. I tell you right now that if on any other day, maybe not the salmon, but baby bottle pop protein, baby bottle pop fiber, those pop up in a Facebook ad or whatever the fuck. I'm sure. I would buy it for a second. I wouldn't buy it. Buy it. All right. Maybe that's real. Let's keep it. Okay. I got keyboard. Anybody want to guess? I have a look to keep it. And it's, you know, it's ice spice or something. Travel. I'm going to say, I go in the same way like fiber cookies, protein cookies for adults. So they just follow tree toothpaste, flood stripe flavor toothpaste, Vienna fingers, the NFL. Yeah. Say any toothpaste. All right. Again, it's just like if you messed up or shit and made it yucky shit, wouldn't it be great? And I don't like looking at the brown toothpaste. No, but if they said like a sandwich spread of this stuff, yeah, I'd buy that. I'll buy that. Yeah. But it didn't say that. I know. But at least that would have get me thinking. I see this and I'm like, no, I want to be, I need to know whether or not it's real. The pizza cookie. I still don't know if that shit's real or not, but I have to be clear. I said to you, the first one was real, the rest of the hard, but I said the thing about my vasectomy. Just said it. And I said that was real. And it wasn't. My whole bit about not recording, which wasn't it. I'm still not sure if Griffin is recording this. Let me double check. Yeah. I am recording now. Suma citrus is doing some square, a citrus square. What? That's again, we were doing that, we were doing that, like we're doing that watermelon square. We're doing it. Top ramen is doing top ramen butter finger. Ramen flavors is done. You cannot do it anymore. There are too many real, absolutely decrepit, insane flavors. There's everything bagel flavor of ramen. They're doing everything with cotton candy ramen. Ramen is, although the beer you're ramen, oh yeah, he is, yeah, I would also say peanut, like a peanut butter, like a peanut sauce. Yeah. No, that is a thing. Food. Yeah. But it's not butter. They don't make those with butter finger. I'm going to say that was not real. Griffin, the hallal guys, what are going to find dining? They're taking its iconic street food off the streets and into a five-star restaurant. It's fancy. Good for them. Hallal guys. If I saw that, I'd just be like, oh, okay, cool, good for you. Can I just say when I can tell that the effort that was put into preparing this new year, or not new years, this April Fool's Day prank was just like one Photoshop. And not even a particularly good one. And perhaps it may actually be an AI-generated image. Some of this is a pretty wild looking stuff, one of these may be, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Maybe all of these definitely, definitely are. Ford does that shit in their commercials. Now I show somebody driving a Ford truck on a beach and it's like, this shit's AI. And it's like, you guys don't have Ford trucks that you can do videos of. You can find one beach and one guy to drive one of your fucking trucks. Okay, wait. This next one looks promising. This one's good. I can't believe this next one's not real. Okay. So that's a bunch of crunch. The name is what does it for me? Yeah. The bunch of crunch, which is like if you manage a crunch bar, a bunch of crunch is like the little nuggets of crunch bar. I'm trying to scroll down. I forgot this was a screenshot. I want to say that. I want to say it. I want to say it. A bunch of crunch dispenser experience. And you put your popcorn under it and it drops a bunch of crunch on your knees. Yeah. Oh my god. Slaps. Funny. Yeah. Funny words. That's funny. Also, good idea. This is your experience. Nails it. Someone funny added experience. Yeah. Dispenser is not funny. And the experience is funny. The kind of prank where I would look at that and be like, what? And then be mad. It's not real. Yeah. And that's the prank. Well, I'm going to get you next year when it does start showing up. And I do it. Yeah. Mother's cookies. Mother's cookies is not now doing father's cookies. And the father cookies are shaped like drills and PlayStation controllers and baseball gloves. And it's the ultimate dad mode cookies. It's a dad mode cookies. Okay. Ultimate dad mode cookies. I'm glad. I have a soft spot in my heart for these frosted animal cookies when I'm traveling and I see those in the Hudson. You know thing? I will buy them every time. I fucking love these things. They don't. It's not. aren't themed to mothers, their frosted animal crack. - Yeah, but I know, Trevor, but this is like-- - No, Justin made me come in. - And this one to fathers, and so they had to make it. - It doesn't make any sense. So Travis, what you're saying, I get what you're saying is that it's like two jokes in one. If they had just said the name of the company is now fathers and we're still making the same animal crackers. - I do think, that's, sorry. I do think it is pretty good that the Frosted Cookie Company mothers decided, hey, you know what might be fun for April, Fools, is to take a hard left into gender politics and that's something that we want to wait into. We want to lightly dip our toe into that whole list. - And slam dunk, I love game and drill and baseball glove. I love that shit. And I'm a dad. - I use them all three at the same time. - Yeah. - Love it. - Yeah. - When I'm hanging out with our dad, I'll say dad. I have my baseball glove, throw me the controller, and he'll do it and then I'll drill right into it. - Yeah, sure. - I guess this, Basque and Robbins, what? Strawberry cheesecake, ice cream soup. - Strawberry cheesecake, ice cream soup, and a can? - Ice cream soup. - It's a soup can that's got strawberry, she's taking Basque and Robbins. - That's a bad idea. - It says soup. - It's not bad. - It's pretty bad. And if you look at it, it's like ice cream soup. - And it sucks. - You would buy milk, but maybe. - Now what? - Now what? Now we're talking. - Huh? - This is good. - What are you doing here? - May I? - This is tasteful. - It's tasteful. - This is funny. - It's cup of noodles and making like a heatless curler's set, that's one of my for their hair. But the branding of cup of noodles is so small that you see the heat that I was like, what's the joke here? What's the, oh, it's cup of noodle. Tasteful. - Curling. - Yeah, so that's not where they go. Usually that's, yeah. - B. - A B. - A B. - A B. - Solid beer. - St. Pierre Bakery is offering a white glove waffle butler service. - What the fuck is that? Hey, St. Pierre Bakery. How the fuck would that work? Walk me through it. - They would ever see precision syrup pourers, 45 degree aesthetic plating and anti-soggy crumb management to ensure proper enjoyment. - How? Am I going on thumbtack and like booking one of these? Or do you send someone to my door when you find out that I bought your waffle? Like, how are you fulfilling this? That's fucking wild. How are you fulfilling? I guess you're creating an outrageous number of jobs. That's awesome. That should be the headline is. - I'm going to tell you just right now. - Out of all of these? - Yeah. - The bunch of crunch your Spencer experience is S tier. - S. - The rest of these, I'm going to just go and say, are all S tier because none of these seem to get what a joke is or be a prank. It's like this thing of like, we're doing waffles now. There's going to be a white glove butler experience. Am I supposed to a care that there's a white glove butler experience, be bullied? Or like back in the day, in the fucking games business, Naughty Dog would put out like, guess what, bitches? Crash Bandicoot six, brace your asses. And then the day after they'd be like, just kidding. Crash Bandicoot died in a car accident four years ago. And then Mario's in C17. They would just smash the hopes. - What? - Why would you lie about Crash Bandicoot like that? - Now it's soft. It's so soft. - Like if you look at the header of this delish web page I'm on under the more category. You see, I tried cup noodles Thanksgiving ramen flavors. Cup noodles has a new everything bagel flavor. I tried the new Totino's and El Paso ramen. I mean, this is, we're very well covered also. Shout out to Food Journalism, because can you imagine watching someone eat everything bagel flavored ramen and you're watching them for a second? You're like, no, you know what, never mind. Write about this later and I'll just read how it was. - Yeah, I can't possibly. - Thank you so much for listening to our podcasts. - We probably fucking lied to you so many times this episode. We lied to you guys when we're asked to be very pranky. - Yeah, but I want this to be like a safe space where you know that we're just giving you the straight, the straight stuff. The following is completely true. We're doing New Merch, it's April, New Merch. We have a Crowen Wilson, a NAML pen. There's a MIGI, what are those called? - Not a votive, but a candle. - Yeah, a nice tall candle. - And a limited release of the Omener to Win shirt to celebrate our I Heart Media podcast award win. And 10% of all merch proceeds this month will be donated to the Marshall P. Johnson Institute, which organizes, advocates, offers direct relief support and interrupts the people who are standing in the way of a more just world for black, trans people and all people. So make sure you check that out and check out macroemerch.com and check out the new merch there and all the great merch that's already there. - We got stuff we're doing on YouTube all the freaking time. If you follow Macroy Entertainment System on Instagram, you can stay up to date on how we do streams with all three of us playing games almost every Tuesday and that juuces doing streams playing games on Mondays and Travis on Wednesdays and on Fridays. We're doing so much streaming, so much video stuff for you to watch it. So follow Macroy Family on YouTube and follow Macroy Entertainment System on Instagram. So you can just find out when we're doing stuff and come hang, it's always so chill. It's always so great. The community is so fucking tight and cool and helpful. And thanks to Monten also for these for theme song, my life is better with you. It's the theme song to the summer. But I've been this year. I bet it'll be the theme song to the summer. Oh, I have this nice dry erase marker. It has a good footprint, but it's like pretty big. I think it'll make actually a pretty good sound. Are you guys cool with that? I'll try not to hit my god damn Deku tree this time. I think it's taking a walloping with this segment. I gotta get that for some wireless headphones. - Three, two, one. - What did you get? - It's something on the ricochet. What'd you get on the bounce? - What did you get? - The wall, okay, so the order was the wall, my coffee cup, my computer monitor. It was like a Toby throw in the fucking rubber ball in Westwick. It really had a nice sort of triangular arc to it. - God, all right. - Thanks, long to you. - Plane's just a backer. - I'm Travis Acheroy. - I'm Griffin McAcheroy. I wanna see that. I wanna see that one back. That's the first one that I feel like. - 'Cause you had square on the lips. (upbeat music) ♪ It's better ♪ ♪ It's better with two ♪ ♪ Bye-bye ♪ ♪ Oh, it's better with you ♪ ♪ It's better with you ♪ - Maximum fun. - A work-around network of artist-owned shows supported directly by you.