MBMBaM 806: Ad Daddies

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mention only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? One, two, three, four! It's the start of something beautiful. A small acquaintance has blossomed, it's ripened into a precious friendship. I could have never seen what was coming for me. Hangs at the skate park, hangs by the beach. My life, it feels like. My life, ah, it's better, it's better with you. My life, ah, it's better. It's better with you. This is true, ah, it's better, it's better with two. My life, ah, it's better with you. Hello and welcome to My Brother, My Brother, me, an advice show for the modern era. I'm your oldest brother, Justin McElroy. Oh, all right, hold on real quick. Yeah, hey, Joel. Yeah, no, you tell Conan if he wants us to sub in and do his ads, he's gonna have to add a zero. Zero to that offer. It's insufferable. Yeah. I'm already suffering, guys. Okay, I love you too. Okay, bye, Joel. Sorry about that, guys. Yeah, hi. What's up, Trav Nation? It's me, your middle-aged brother, Travis, Big Dog Wolf of Vroom Vroom, the heater, McElroy. Hold on one second, guys. I am also getting a phone call. What's that, Joel? Bill Belichick wants me to play for the New England Patriots to replace Gronk? Yeah, that shouldn't be an issue at all. I beat him at ads. What's that, Joel? Bill Bellamy wants me to take over his hosting jobs? All of them? What's that? Hold on, Joel. I'm getting a call from my- Bill Biv DeVoe wants to make it Bill Biv DeVoe and Justin? Oh, shit. Guys, I'm getting the call up. The Seahawks want me too. Guys, Marshawn Lynch called for the Seahawks. He said, join my team. You guys fight it out. Chat, did you hear? Hey, did you hear? Sorry, guys. Because we beat Rob Gronkowski for best podcast ad, best ad reads at the iHeartRadio Podcast Awards, I've been getting nonstop calls from NFL coaches like Bill Belichick and the guy who does the Seahawks to come and play for them. I guess the rumor went around that because we're so good at ads and we beat Gronk at it by the transitive property, we could beat him at football. I don't know. I just want to ask, listen, we won the iHeartRadio Podcast Award for best ad reads. Okay. Listen. Yeah. And, yeah, we are going to talk about it. We're so desperate. We're so desperate for recognition. Here's what I want to say, Harold Dispatch. Okay. Wait, is this a – Local Boys Make Good. Did they tell you that we're going to be – Local Boys Make Good. Okay. Local Boys Make Good is a headline I've waited to see my whole life. Yeah, yeah. And I know maybe you couldn't give it to me when we did the TV show there. Maybe you couldn't give it to me after our failed podcasting book. I get that. That's fair. That's fine. Although, you know what I recently discovered? On a very obscure New York Times bestseller list, it did appear at number nine. Hell, yeah, dude. What? But anyway. Yeah, dude. Dude, yeah. That's actually a hit. But Chuck Norris dies. It's breaking news. Top banner. I can't even get a minch. I get illusionist Rick Thomas performing at the Boyd County Public Library Ashland branch. Oh, shit, he is? You can't get Local Boys Make Good? You can't bust me off a – Turns out the best ad reader in the world lives in Huntington, West Virginia? There's some mental parentheticals. Yeah, some context that is missing from that headline, I would say. I am surprised Chuck Norris took top billing. That man has literally no connection to West Virginia whatsoever. He was not a West Virginia major. Having been there in person, they – I'll just say it. I think iHeartRadio media podcast awards were being very coy with me, were really slow burning it. Right. Making me feel like there's no chance. There's no chance. Oh, we don't even know if you're on the list. Oh, wait, here you are. Oh, you had a plus one? We don't even know that. Oh, we might not be able to let you on the floor. We didn't put you in the reserved couch seats that all the other winners walked up from. They really were playing it close to the vest. And I was like, well, there's no way we won, right? Because they don't even act like they wanted me here. They always do that to the people who are going to be winning the biggest awards. They treat them the worst. They treat them the worst so that they don't expect – We've got a Michael J. Jordan on the list. I'm so sorry. We just can't let you – I'm looking around. They're naming, you know, best podcast ensemble. And they're the guys from Basement Yard Go from a very comfortable looking couch, like, that they got to sit on inside a cordoned off area. And I'm standing, like, three people deep behind the robes. That's so sick. Standing for the whole hour and 20 minutes. Travis, if you had been up on that stage, I would have been uncomfortable. About what that meant for our kind of, like, our profile, our audience. Yeah, they didn't let me up there. No. They did a, and here's some other awards. Right. For anyone who didn't watch, you can watch the highlights on the McElroy family Instagram. I just had a gut feeling when they were like, here's some other pre-selected awards or whatever. Where I was like, Ad Reads is going to be in there. I was going to ask how you knew to record that montage because of your certainty that they – The writing was on the wall. Yeah, Griff. Quite literally. On a big screen. And it said, Best Ad Reads, and then Us. And then it had Us up on there. And I wasn't looking at the screen, as you can see in the shot. Yeah. So I didn't see our logo come up. Yeah. I did not know we had won until they said, My Brother, My Brother and Me. That's cute. And the deep shock I felt, I had to stop filming. It felt like it was quite a long TikTok, long Vine, one of those vertical videos that you shot of you sitting there as all the other award winners. And that montage was announced, and I was like, I bet this is building up to like a killer, like a killer gag at the end, but instead, you actually got surprised out of your reverie by our success. Yeah, what I loved about it, that moment, Trav, of glory, is that how you didn't film yourself like reacting to it or anything. Like, I like how it's like 30 minutes of other podcasts that we don't know about, one second of us, and then you're like, cut the feed. You said, what the fuck? You don't react, you don't ask people. You don't react. You don't look around at people and like say, that's us. Like, that was your moment to like draw focus, you know what I mean? Or like, yelp or something. Instead, you just said, what the fuck? And you just turned off the camera. Like, we don't get to stay with you. In an angry way. Yeah, in an angry way. Like, you were mad about it. Let me just, I'll play, takes five seconds. Let's just hear Travis's reaction. Best ad read, My Brother, My Brother and Me. What? What? Today's political podcast. The fuck? Thank you, Rachel. Okay. That's set in stone, man. You sound mad. You sound angry that we won. I was so confused. What the fuck? Because I was there. Yeah. Right? And they were like, this guy won. So I had to go, then I went back to the table that had told me I might not be able to even stand on the floor. I might have to sit in the bleachers or whatever. Did you have to ask for your award? And I was like, hey, so do I need to go somewhere to get it? Fuck. And then I had to stand there for five seconds. That sucks. Come on, Travis. Give me a second, dude. Give me a second to fucking. Give me a second. You lived it already. You've been sleeping with it. Give me a second. Give me just this minute. Give me just this moment vicariously, and we need to process it. If you could just give us a second before adding any more information to the pile. Okay. Just a quick breathing exercise. Okay. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. So yeah. Yeah, good, good, good, good. And I want everyone to know, I was so uncomfortable. All I was thinking was, if I can get a shot of me holding this award, it'll be the culmination of this whole trip. Of a lifetime's work. Yeah. So I stood there for like five minutes while someone was texting with someone else until they looked up and said, oh, they'll mail it to you. And then I was like, oh. And then I had to slink away from the table like, well, I guess that ends this interaction. It's actually worse. It's worse that you won. It's worse. Uh-huh. How could it be worse to win? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. How could that be more humiliating? I will say this in this one. I had to spell our last name twice, too. That sucks, dude. Fuck. I will say this. I'm glad we won. It's exciting. It does kill the joke. There was a pretty good gag there running five years ready that we would continue to be nominated for the best podcast ad read with the iHeartMedia Podcast Awards, and we would be beaten out by someone who was actually genuinely much, much more famous than we are. That was like a fun gag. Maybe with this win, we've established enough critical credibility, and I will say the iHeartMedia Podcast Awards have bought themselves some credibility by recognizing one of the old dogs and one of the best to ever do it. We invented the game in 2010. Yeah. Okay? Like four to five years after it was invented by other people. Four to five years after the game was invented, we invented the game, and now maybe they're going to start recognizing us in some other more prestigious, more onstage categories. Okay. You know what I mean? I'm thinking- Maybe the Lifetime Achievement Awards. Oh, dude. If not us, who? Kevin Pereira? Fuck off. Well, it was- It was Terry Gross. I like Kevin Pereira. I know. I don't know why you said that. That was so mean to Kevin Pereira. They gave it to Terry Gross. Yeah. No. No radio people. That's true. I'll be furious, dude. That's true. Jack Shepard? No. I think we need to make a campaign for Best Advice Podcast. Because I think that would be. Best Comedy Podcast, we might even be in consideration. Best Advice Podcast? Yeah, dude, because I need my kid asking me why I lose Best Advice Podcast every year. That's actually a good point. That will take some of my power away in the homestead. Best Travel Podcast? I don't even think that. Best Travis Podcast? Best Travis Podcast. Why is there not a Best Travis in the awards? Thank you. There's a lot of big, heavy hitters named Travis, and I can think of three off the top of my head. I wouldn't have felt so bad about having to spell my last name twice if there were a bunch of other Travises for the. No, McElroy. Now, wait a minute. For this award, did you tell them to put your first name on it also? I don't think they. I think they'll just put my brother, my. I don't think they'll put Trav. I don't think they were recognizing my personal excellence. I did call dibs on the trophy, though. You did. I mean, you went. To the thing. I think that's only fair. I thought, Trav, it would be a really fun bit, because you have, like, the YouTube play buttons. Correct. How many of those do we have? Just two. And the 100 million. 100 million streams. I would love maybe photographs of all those that I can frame and put in my background, like photographs of the awards. Do you think that would be okay? Would that be fine? Yeah. Can you send me some high-res glossy JPEGs of our awards? Yeah, maybe I'll do, like, a glamour shots of it. Yes. Yeah, I'll set up a whole display with my fucking senior pictures. In my senior pictures folder. That's a cool look. I found that the other day. I feel so bad about what I said about Kevin Pereira. Yeah. Like, he's not even that much of a podcasting guy. He's just, like, a classic media personality. He's got a great name. It was just, like, a pull in the moment. And I'm sitting here, like, I can't stand by it. No. But it's too long in the past for me to, like, not Kevin Pereira. You know what I'm saying? It's done. It's clipped. Yeah. And I don't know how I'm going to make it. I have no problem with. You know, like, I have no nothing with. It was, like, a quick pull in the moment. And I feel really bad about it. Do you think, Justin, that Best Ad Read Award has gone to your head and you're trying to start some beef now that they're going to cover in the tabloids? No, Trav, I think I'm the same as always. He put sunglasses on. Yeah. To say something that felt not. They could tell from the tone. Yeah. Hey, this is an advice show. Yeah. We will get to the ads, because I know that's what you're all fucking thirsty. We'll start calling it an ad. That's what you came here for, I know. An ad advice show. Let us get some of this bullshit out of the way, and then we'll fire it up and get paid. This is an ad advice show. The best is the best. You want to see how we do it? Where we do ads and vice. That's what it is, baby. Ads vice. People keep saying, put the ads first, daddy. Yeah. You've got to wait for it. Pre-roll me, papa. 45 minutes of ads, 15 minutes of bits. Switch it up. Just one little audio stinger, daddy, please. Just one stinger. Insert it dynamically. Please, just a promo code. One promo code. Just a promo code or something. Earl me. Earl me, papa. Earl me with the URL. Earl me. Do terms and conditions apply, daddy? All right. Too far. Too far. Too far. Too many times. You've felt it. I'm a freshman. I'm a freshman. Give me an ad, father. I'm a freshman. We're out, daddy. I'm a freshman in my university's small theater department, and frequently, the group goes to a drive-in after rehearsals slash events and the like. They go here for the large playground it contains. I figured these nights would be a good time to. I'm going to burp. Holy shit, man. Podcast award winning. I need to shut my door. I'm cussing a lot. Professionals, take notice. Other award shows. BAFTAs, Golden Globes. We deserve one of those now. You didn't do it into the microphone, and I'm glad for that. That means I'll. I still have. Here's what's hard is it's still. It's still in there? Man. Yeah. Now it's going to become a fart. I'm not a science guy, but I think. It seems like it would take some time. That's why we didn't win Best Science Podcast. Now I'm going to fart on the podcast. It'll be the second half. Damn it. They go on. Sorry. The question continues. I'm a freshman in my university's small theater department, and frequently the group goes to a drive-in after rehearsals, events, and the like. I figured these nights would be a good time to endear myself to these kind folks. Trouble is, I'm a bit of an introvert, so I need your help. Brothers, what is the most interesting slash most kick-ass way to interface with a playground to make about two dozen theater kids? They're 20s, like you. That's from sweating on the swing set in West Texas. All right. This question confused me for a bit, but now I understand it. Are you quite all right, brother? I don't know who that was. I think the videotape will reveal I was quite still through all of that. Yeah, you have your hands up on your knees like you're in Masterpiece Theater. Yes, that gentleman, such as myself, wouldn't burp. I wouldn't dream of it. Yeah, man. But you're ripping. There's hoagies back there like you're on the man show, dude. I apologize in advance, Griffin. I tried to stop. What more do you want from him? He is but a man. I tried to stop the show. Holy shit. I tried to stop the show full out. You know, it can be tempting once people win an award, once these superlatives are tossed out, to think of them as gods. But I'm still. Yeah, flesh and blood. I see it. It's flesh and blood, you know? So, what are some cool playground tricks you can do to impress people in their 20s? I will say that this is a talk show. It's all order. I will say it. Looking cool. Looking cool. Looking cool as an adult on a playground. This isn't to shame anyone who has a playful spirit and the heart of a child's mind. That's beautiful, and I love that, and that's good. I don't know how to do it in a way where someone will be like, damn, did you see the way they jumped over the monkey bars? It would need to be pretty crazy like that. You know, in my life, I have seen countless people try to dance funny. Yeah. In a way to, like, make people laugh, right? Because of how funny they're dancing and things. I've only ever seen one man dance in a humorous way that made me happy. His name was Christopher Stoker. Do you know why? Why? Because he was having fun. He wasn't doing it for anybody else. Okay. He was just having fun. It wasn't for the audience. That's it. He was just having a great time. So, there's nothing cooler than, like, going down a big old swirly slide and enjoying it for you. And not worrying. Worrying about everyone else. Yeah, man. I think so. Yeah. Authentically doing monkey bars? Cool as shit. I mean, if you did it in a fast, elegant way that looks like you were born there and you're like, yeah, I lived in the jungles for a while. Like, I'm pretty good with, like, Tarzan kind of stuff. Like, I've trained there. Yeah. No problem. Nonchalantly hang upside down. I'm rereading the last line here. Brothers, what is the most interesting slash most kick-ass way to interface with the playground to make about two dozen theater kids in their 20s like you? I have to imagine this is written from, like, an alternate dimension where mind-altering substances and alcohol do not exist. Because the answer to your question, since time immemorial, for how do you get a bunch of 20-something theater kids to like you, is you produce alcohol and drugs. Yeah. And perhaps tobacco. That is a patented method for a lot of social groups, but definitely for this crew. If you are the one person who's like, hey, I brought this huge bottle of vodka. Right. It's just, like, comically huge. Like, I can't drink all this. Right. You know. I mean, that's how it's safe. It's been quite a while since any of us have been in our 20s, though. Maybe that's not how it goes. God, man. I'm just, I'm guessing. That can't be true. I never did any of this. There was smoke. I mean, here's what we all, this is the problem with nobody smoking. Right. You know? Thank you. This is the problem with nobody smoking anymore. Justin's right. Bring it back. No. No. But we need a better outside activity that is only outside. We need sticky flippers. Open a coin while you lean against a light post. You can do that inside. I want it to be big and messy. A big, messy activity that everyone likes to do. Everyone's super addicted to doing outside, but you don't get sick from it. The truth of it is, we know about vaping, nicotine. We know about it. But we can't change the fact that when you see someone smoking a cigarette, you want to go join them and smoke a cigarette with them. And when you see someone vaping, you want to go back to bed. Yeah. Like, it's not a good substance. By the way, we are only talking to theater kids right now. We are only talking to theater kids right now. It's different for you. You've got to live authentically and in your art. We get it. What about blowing bubbles? Blowing bubbles is a really good answer, Travis. Big ones. Big. At the Wonderworks, they had this, like, bubble thing that you could stand in and you lift a hoop of rules around you and it makes a bubble. You brought the supplies for that? Yeah. Oh. Thank you. Thank you. How did you feel to having magic? Oh, dude. I just made a force field. They got one. Bubbles. They got one of them at the National Children's Museum here in D.C. And sometimes I go inside and I put a big bubble up around myself and I feel like that's the only moment of quiet and peace. Yes. That I know now as an adult. A hundred percent. If I'm not inside the bubble, like, everything's safe in the bubble, I guess, is what I'm saying. And I love it. And I wish I was in the bubble all day. Do you know what theater kids love? What? That there's not enough in a theater kid population. audience. Okay. Theater kids are I was trying to impress each other. What if you were just there being like, that was a great, you hung on the monkey bars for a really long time and I thought that was awesome. - Okay. - You're an audience, you're the audience for them. - This is right. - Being the one person in this crew that is not trying to pull focus will eventually make you the king of the hill. - Right, yes. - They will come to you, just by. - Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh. - Or, unless. - Unless. - What if instead of applause and cheering, you gave them some notes? You just gave them some notes. Now you're the director of the theater, Frank. - The most powerful. - The most powerful one that there is. Nice work on the monkey bars, but like, what was going through your mind when you left all that loose change in your pockets? - Yeah, hmm, just next time, something to think about. Great job, great work, but I know you have more in you. - Maybe you could bully people. - And then when they get TO'd at you, you'd just be like, huh, use that. - Use that, yes. - Ooh, I like that. - Think about how you're feeling right now. - Yeah. - Use that. - Climb that slide. - Think about how when I just pushed you over the bench, and you fell and you hurt your knee, and you're mad at me and you're crying a little bit. - Yeah. - Use that. - Use that. - When I rubbed your water bottle on my butt and I threw it in the trash can, the feeling you have right now, put it on the slide. Leave it all on the slide. - There it is. There it is. - I'll apologize later, when we've wrapped this sesh. - Yeah, but right now it's about growing. - Now it's about growing, and you really need to get your fucking act together. - I make maps for a living on the computer, and I have a bachelor's degree in geography. Super cool, only I have a terrible sense of direction. If I didn't have my phone for navigation, I would frequently get lost. All my friends and family poke fun about how funny it is that I'm a geographer with no sense of direction. How do I get them to stop, or how can I become a better geographer? This is from The Confused Cartographer in California. Let's talk about it. - They have fundamentally misunderstood your purpose. If you had a perfect, innate sense of direction, you wouldn't need maps. - Right. - That's why you've dedicated your life to this. - We are all attuned to different sort of vibrations, frequencies of the universe. - Yes. - I have a theory that everyone possesses within them an innate and super, super powerful ability to know either the temperature, or the time, or their bearings, or one of these things. - The vibe. - The vibe. Well, God, that to me encompasses a few of these things, but I usually know to about a three-minute margin of error what the time currently is. - Me too. I usually know what time it is. - I usually just kinda know what time it is. - I can tell you generally, I can tell you within about three minutes. - No idea. - And I just know it by feeling. - No idea whatsoever. - I just know it by feeling it. - That's a niche or nurture thing, though, Griff, 'cause mine comes from retail. - Okay. - Mine comes from retail, and thinking about time in every possible permutation, and counting every minute mentally, like, I just generally know what time it is. - Travis, are you, maybe, are you a temperature, this is our new Enneagram that we've, our maybe 15th Enneagram that we've come up with on this show, are you a temperature guy? - Yeah, I would say I'm pretty good at that. Within, I would say, three degrees, five degrees. - You said you're not a time guy, I don't think you're. - Not a time guy, not a direction guy, for sure. - Don't think you're a directions guy, for sure. - Not a directions guy. - So, like. - I got a pretty good, I can sense when people are mad at me, does that count? I have a good sense of, I can read the room pretty well at this point, from years of struggle at it. - Oh, can you? - Yeah, Griff, I can. - I'm just fucking imagining that. - I have a sense of taste, how about that sense of taste? I'm a super taster, do the thing where I put the weird strip on my tongue. - I'm not talking about senses, man, I'm talking about the axes of the-- - The powers, super powers. - Super powers. Just time. - Well, there's gotta be a fourth one, 'cause it's not time or direction for me. - Time, direction, temperature. - I'm okay at temperature. - Yeah. - What about doing stuff? - Not good at that. - Travis is saying, dude, Travis does a lot of stuff. - I have ADHD, I'm feeling very judged. - No, it's not judged, I'm not judging you, Travis, as much as I'm trying to justify my own new, very profitable Enneagram. - Fair enough, fair enough. - If he can't find a slot for you to fit in, Trav, the whole thing breaks. - Then it means it's not an Enneagram, it's just a fucking idea. - So he's not, it's not like a square peg kinda deal, he's like trying to make a new Travis bag. - Yeah. - You know what I really like is a new Travis model for you. - You know what, I'll say speed. Speed is very good. Speed's really good, Trav. - Speed? - Yeah. - Is so general. - No, man, like when your body is moving, when your body is moving, or when you're driving in a car, you know sort of the speed that you're at, that's super good. - Oh, speed, not just like the flash. - No. - I think speed is one of your abilities. - I'm not in touch with the speed force, God knows I've tried. - No, he's not fast, but he knows how fast he is at all times. - Okay, I like that a lot. That's good, that's good, that makes sense. - That's, I think four is all of them. I don't know that there's much else to it. - That's probably, you probably don't need, but I will say direction, I, this is a really good one because I am truly embarrassed, and I mean embarrassed in a real sense of how little an idea I have of this on a day-to-day basis. It is something I've thought about, I think about a lot, like when I look out the window, those of my house, sometimes I'll think like, that's rising in, right now, so this must be east. - Yeah. - And I'll think about it for a second, and then it's like, gone. So like, I don't know what direction this is, like I'm at my house, I don't know. - Right. - I don't even, it's humiliating. - Right. - I don't know how to, I just, I don't know. - There are many incredible things that I am impressed by by my wife on a regular basis, but her innate sense of direction might as well be the power of an Olympian god to me, where I'm like, who even knows where north is? And she's like, it's that way, and I'm like, what? - She got those strong hammer bones in the middle ear. - I don't know how she does it, she just knows. - Griffin's telling you, it's the hammer bones. - It's the strong hammer bones inside the middle ear. So yeah, don't be upset, you just, you're on a different axis, that's fine, and you chose this job, I would say this is a job that is probably more commonly held by people who are more sort of directions folks, but have you guys ever really tried to draw a map, 'cause that'll humble you real fucking quick. I have a wonderful fantastical world, let me draw a map of it, and then it's like, wow, this looks, one, just kind of like the United States, 'cause I guess that's like the only, and it looks so shitty, there's like square borders, Justin's trying to really-- - That's north. - He's got his sextant out, that's cool. - That's north. - Is it? Like, I don't know, who gives a shit? - I mean, you used your phone, so no, I mean, I'm looking for the hammer bones, and I don't-- - But I don't actually know-- - Do you think that if we were more outdoor boys, we would know directions better? - Absolutely. - Maybe, but then there's people who are like, talking about taking a road trip, and then they say the right directions for it, you know what I mean, like, I went up to this place, and they're like, it is up, you know what I mean, like, I don't know, how did you know that? It's crazy, you know, for me it's just always went over, over to, I went over to this place. - All maps are kind of bogus anyway, right? So who's the problem, the fault's in our stars, not in ourselves. - Whoa, well there are different projections, I know, that are more accurate. - Yeah, and then there's the one that makes America look so virile, and powerful, and strong, bigger than-- - So turgid. - So turgid, and bigger than all the other countries combined, if you had a compass all the time, eventually you'd, like, connect facing in different directions with, like, the compass, the direction, like, eventually you'd think about, like, ah yeah, that E is always here when I'm looking this way, this must be kind of easterly, yeah, this is, I should label walls of my house. - Yeah. - That's good, you are looking E. - I'm looking E, not looking me and C, and then over there is swa. - We know swa. - That's snuh. - Look out for snuh, snuh, south-north is not in a direction that I'm aware of. Fuck, that explains so much, why did I label that wall snuh? Should we go to money zone? - We've waited, we've made a wait long enough, huh? Yeah, here it comes. It's better It's better with you Well, boys, we got the first. Did you guys ever think. I got the yips. Did you guys ever think about. Cats. Cats. Cats. Cats. If you eat cat food. Cat, cat, cat. I have eaten cat. Do you give. Do you also know what. Ow. Cat is no food. Ow would love. Guys, take a breath. Take a beat. We gotta come back. We gotta come back. We're a. We can do this because we're a family. And you know who else is a part of my family? All your guys' cats. Oh, okay. Listen, it makes the most sense, I think, for me to do this. Hi, I'm Justin McElroy. I have two cats. And my wife likes them better than me sometimes. But the way that I am trying to get into all their good graces is by feeding the cats smalls. We used to do dry food. And they're kind of great. But these days, throughout the day, it's been a lot better for their overall health, for their coats. These cats look so incredible. They're looking so fit. So, so great. They love all the different flavors, although Smooth Bird is a personal favorite. You can adjust the subscription so you're getting just what you need. We have it dialed in really nicely. So we really never have to think about buying cat food. It just shows up when we need it. So stop guessing which meals will upset their stomach for a limited time. Because you are. Sorry, my brother, my brother and me listener. Get 60% off your first order plus free shipping when you head to smalls.com slash my brother. One last time, that's 60% off your first order plus free shipping. when you head to smalls.com slash my brother. That's that shit, baby. That was good. Justin's back on the fucking horse, man. Did you hear him, Trav? He like got it. I did, man. He fucking nailed it, dude. He got keyed in. He just like surfed the whole way. He closed out the pipe, dude. Let's not even do the next one. Fuck it. Wait, no, wait. We shouldn't. No, we do. Now, hold on. Dude, we're out. No, let's not even wrap the show. Let's not even wrap the show there. Thanks, y'all. That's going to do for us. I want to say. Ma'am out. As we say in every episode, a huge thanks to Squarespace. Also, we do actually say that every episode. We are sponsored in part by Squarespace this week. Squarespace is, God, a genie. But instead of living in a lamp. Squarespace is God. Squarespace is God. Squarespace is life. Let's start this one over. Squarespace. Wait, start it over. I like that. Like, you want to do it. Travis had a good direction. Griff built on it. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do big energy. Squarespace. Yeah, big energy. Websites. Huge ideas. Okay, cool. Yes. Squarespace websites. For you, yes. Zoom out. Do you need it? Zoom out more. Everything. More. Okay. Zoom out more. Okay. Zoom out the idea. It's not just about websites. It's about. It's goods and services. Yeah. You can offer them both. And get paid. I can offer Squarespace. With money that you use. They will trade in services. So, I'll say, like, Squarespace. If you make me up a beautiful website, I will come and I'll wash your car. And do all your chores for a month. Well, you can offer goods and services through Squarespace. Okay. And get paid through Squarespace. And they don't say this. But I'm going to say, if people fall behind on those payments, Squarespace is going to enforce that for you. They'll send out their bruisers to break some kneecaps. Yeah. They got some huge. Huge folks working for them over at Squarespace. I don't. I do not mess around with those. Those dudes. No. It's like 400 pounds of pure muscle. No bones. Yeah. No blood. No skin. Just 400 pounds of pure muscle. They got. Constant agony. They got Crusher with a K over there working for them. Yeah. And they. If someone does not pay you the money that you are owed through a Squarespace website, Crusher with a K will come. And, well, there's a reason for his namesake. Is what I'll say. He has a big metal robotic crab claw. He has a huge crab claw and a brain, a visible brain in his stomach, a hindbrain. He's awesome. And the turtles have not been able to stop him. They can't stop him because they don't know which brain to target. But Squarespace gives you everything you need to make beautiful, functional websites and make them look good with award winning website templates. You don't need to know anything about frickin coding or art or UI or anything. They got you and they'll make you look like. You do know what you're doing. So head to Squarespace dot com slash my brother for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, use offer code my brother to save 10 percent off your first purchase of a website or domain. I felt him. I felt the Lord moving through me. Yeah, man. I wanted to have a conversation with you guys. Oh, this is an idea I've been thinking about because we got we got the Easter holidays are coming up and the shelves are starting to get filled with with Easter candy. Yeah. And I wanted to hit you guys with something I've been thinking about, and I want to see if I can defend it. In this sort of like thesis. OK, yeah. I think Easter candy is the best candy. OK. Yeah. Give me some quantify this for me a little bit. So if I'm I'm thinking Easter candy, here's what I'm like putting up on the bench. Right. I'm looking at Cadbury mini eggs. Yeah. All timer Cadbury cream eggs. Yeah. Like smashing it. Right. Yeah. Jelly jelly beans. I like in a wide variety. But if you don't want to give those to Easter. Yeah. I can. I don't eat Jolly Rancher flavored jelly beans any other time of year. Only at Easter time. Those big old ones that are kind of like a mix between jelly bean and a gumdrop and licorice. Yeah. No, thanks for that. I love those. Oh, yeah. OK. So then then the other ones that I'm going to throw in here are one Robbins eggs. Yes. The malted milk Robbins eggs. That's a perfect size. Like that shatter. You like that shatter. And then the and then I think I don't know if there's a specific name for these things, but like the marshmallow eggs that have like enrobed in like a hard candy and it all tastes very plasticky and fake, but it's like bright blue, bright pink, bright yellow candy shell on the outside marshmallow on the inside shaped like eggs. You know, I'm talking about no idea. No. OK. So anyway, but marshmallow eggs, things wrapped in chocolate. Easter candy is the best candy holiday. That's all I'm saying. Holiday candy or best overall all candy. I mean. It's better than Halloween's sort of standalone candy is almost universally dog shit. And I love Halloween. I do. But like, you miss me with all that. For a candy holiday. No way. Yeah. For a candy holiday. It doesn't come to party like it doesn't come with anything. Christmas. Reese's pumpkins are the best version of Reese's holiday like shaped things. Now, I will say the egg. Is very close, but I was just correct, of course. Yeah, it now now listen, the tree. They're fucking robbing you people. Yeah, I get it. Yeah, look at the shape and there's something with the consistency is not right. It's a rectangular package with a triangle in it, folks. They're robbing you fucking blind every every single tree every time, but it also has candy canes, which are in inedible shape, but it also has chocolate oranges, which almost makes up for the trees in the in the candy canes because those all look. Who else? Who else is here? It's candy corn is here with Halloween. Yeah, no, I mean, this is why I'm saying Easter is clearly the best holiday candy. Holiday candy corn, something you can hang on. Can you hang candy corn and milk cream pumpkins on Halloween? Or is that like a fall punishment? I think of it as I don't know, guy. Now, Easter does have peeps, which are the other one. Thank you, Travis. Disgusting Easter fowl. Dude, they're just they're just big marshmallows. Dude, they're sickly sweet. Yeah. Dude, it's candy doesn't have to have a point. Candy does have to have a point that Willy Wonka was here. I'm so sorry. Doesn't have to have a that's now that's pretty high more for the film. Charlie Freddie Highmore. If I go and I take a marshmallow, a little marshmallow and I dip it in sugar and I eat it with my mouth, you can't just say that's candy because it's like it's conceptually kind of busted candy. No, but like I bet peeps you can. All right. Peeps fine. I don't. I don't agree with you on peeps, especially once they're stale. But I agree with you. That's not a ringing endorsement of anything. It's better once it's old and stale. I agree with you that Easter has the best holiday candy. I would not jump to it is the best candy overall. What about Christmas? Because Christmas candy does have it's like Christmas candy is actually chocolate. It's good. And girl, I actually give me a little shiny coins that I can open up the gelt. Yeah. I do like to use the gelt. I actually like the little peppermints with the treat, the gummy. They're like soft peppermints with the pictures of the trees in the middle with the red wine on the outside and the picture of the trees. Sure, sure, sure. I love eating Santa's flossy beard. Do you guys know Santa's flossy beard from the Mars from the Mars company? You invented it. Do you guys? I can't celebrate Christmas without chomping down at least two to three Rudolph knobs. If I don't get my Rudolph knobs. There's no Christmas candy. Okay. So what's better? Red and green M&M's are my favorite version of M&M. Oh, okay. And you know what? Christmas bells are good. Uh-oh. Wait a minute. Bell's a good chocolate shape, but like, oh man. Those actually got ruined for me because my only memory of eating them as a child was at Granny's house. Granny's house. And they tasted like cigarettes. Yeah. Because she smoked like three packs a day. But I folded it into the appeal. Oh. Yeah. Thanks, Granny. Cool. I'm going to attach those two incredibly similar concepts in my mind. Every time I eat eggs, I think, God, I wish I was smoking. She was on some Homer Simpson tobacco shit. Just robing it in. Oh, man. Yeah, but I still think, I mean, Christmas candy, I think part of the problem with Easter candy, though, is the best parts of it have been sadly sort of like redistributed as like rainbow Cadbury mini eggs. Sure. Or like peeps get repurposed in a lot of really foul permutations, honestly, so they can't keep as much of a lock on it. But I don't know. I still feel like Easter candy is the best candy. Okay. I thought because of, you know, our recent prestigious award that maybe it would be nice to take a moment and just kind of class things up around here a little bit with a little work of fart. We haven't done it for the home game in a while. And maybe, you know, we might have a ton of new listeners and this is their first episode because. Oh, welcome. Now that we've won the award. We definitely probably have at least a few ad execs listening. And that's I don't know that we've done particularly right by them. I'm going to tell you right now. But the fart jokes we're about to do should probably drive home whatever big product placement deals we've been sitting on. I'm calling this one CW themed. Okay. But I don't know if all these shows. shows were on the CW, but they feel like they were. okay okay up first sam and dean winchester aided by cassiel the angel search the world for a good bathroom pooper natural yes griffin what pooper natural that is correct pooper natural one point can i raise my hand for to like buzz in because i'm scared just you're gonna be wrong and think justin had it first one of these times yeah no you oh justin raised their hand well don't raise your hand inside the software because people can't you you know get it how do we just say bazinga oh okay that's good okay uh the girls field hockey team lost in the canadian wilderness are rescued after months of stink lines are seen rising above the trees hmm smell-o-jack bazinga smell-o-jack yes smell-o-jackets is correct griffin that one felt a little um highlights for kids like sort of family circus that one was like pretty clean and i don't know if it belongs in a work of fart smell are you saying travis is losing his edge i'm saying you're still yeah maybe the ad award thing maybe he's got in your head a little bit and you kind of like toned it down because usually you'll get like jizz or like other crazy stuff in this one and this was just like what if there were a bunch of um aromatic field hockey players and they i'm not gonna respond okay i'll take the point don't get me wrong travis i love to get that i got a point and i got it right and i did a good job the best job but um i just can't don't be afraid to be yourself upper crust new york teen socialites get into all kinds of scandals which are reported on by an anonymous blogger who also reminds them when it's time to go to the bathroom for uh mm-hmm mm-hmm go oh i got it oh i got it bazinga go piss girl correct that one feels good we're back we're back on top if i had come up with the answer i wouldn't have gotten to laugh at it so i feel pretty i'm happy okay four teens each with their own secrets to hide are plagued by the terrifying and all-knowing a um who tells everyone about the time that they pooped their pants four teens uh-huh with secrets to hide uh-huh are plagued by the terrifying and all-knowing a a who tells everyone about the time they pooped their pants the summer i turned shitty no i don't know i know where you shit last summer a knows where you shit last summer this is where you guys just don't know enough about quality uh pretty groundbreaking little liars pretty shitty shitty little liars correct griffin shitty little liars okay got it justin kind of said at the same time as me but he said it in like it's okay it's okay okay one more you deserve it blood-sucking brothers stefan and damon okay one more you deserve it blood-sucking brothers stefan and damon salvatory salvatory salvatory battle over the same battle over the same battle over the same high school girl they're in love with high school girl they're in love with high school girl they're in love with while also while also while also battling loose stool may i battling loose stool may i battling loose stool may i vampire diarrhea vampire diarrhea vampire diarrhea i'm giving it to justin on that one yeah i'm giving it to justin on that one yeah i'm giving it to justin on that one yeah vampire diarrhea that's good i i was in vampire diarrhea that's good i i was in vampire diarrhea that's good i i was in the wrong i was in the wrong zip code i the wrong i was in the wrong zip code i Why did you say I'm giving it to Justin after I said vampire diarrheas? Because Griffin said, may I, before you said anything. I was going to say poo blood. Is that what? I think I've actually done poo blood before. Thank you, Travis. That was great. I really grew a lot. Who won, Travis? Who did the best job? You did win, Griffin. Four to one. All right. This still feels good. What? How much show can we put into one show? I want a Munch Squad. I want to hear Munch Squad. Welcome to Munch Squad. It's a podcast with a podcast profile of the latest and greatest of brand eating. And this one's a doozy. Pizza Hut launches national campaign updates hand-tossed crust recipe. Now, this is one of my favorite things. Anytime a restaurant chain happens. It has to say, one of our staples has this entire time, not, as we've been saying, been the best, but it's actually been so bad that we want to change it. And I always like to see how people handle this story. We've been hiding the truth. We've been suppressing the truth. People have been trying to get the word out. We've had them killed. Sorry it's been so dusty, guys. We couldn't figure out why it was so dusty without ruining the- We've been trying so hard. We're giving everything to this place. We're giving everything. But I swear to God, we're doing this. We're doing this. We're doing this. We're doing this. I swear to you, Janine, I'm getting it together for you. We're doing our best, Janine, but the dust keeps coming back onto the pizza. It's so hard and granular. And if you think it's bad for us, imagine what it's like for our employees that are all dusty. When it comes to pizza, crust isn't just a detail. It's the main event. Well, yeah. Now, this is the part, this is where you have to brace yourself, right? Because this is where it gets even worse, because Pizza Hut is saying, like, the most important thing, and we've been fucking up, and we're so sorry. At Pizza Hut, crust reigns supreme. It's also like such a, yeah, in that, it's like when you're buying a car, it having exterior is the main event. And it's like, yeah, it might not be the main thing I look for, but without it, it does kind of- It's just soup. It's bad soup. It's bad soup. Pizza Hut. Pizza Hut, crust reigns supreme. Pizza Hut is officially introducing Hut Crust, a new platform celebrating the bold, recognizable crusts that have defined the brand for generations. At the center of this platform is a crave-worthy $10 large three-topping pizza available on fans' choice of three iconic crusts, the new and improved hand-tossed, tavern-style, or thin and crispy. What's tavern-style? It's like a- It's like a flat. I think it's like a- Come and growl. New York style. Like a, I don't actually know. I've never gotten it. Did you say it was Hut Crust? Hut Crust. Travis, and it's not a crust. It's a platform. It's a platform. This Pi Day, Pizza Hut announces it is on the hunt for a real paid gig. And this is why I wanted to bring this story to you. Hut Crust Connoisseur, a first-of-its-kind project created to celebrate the people who love Pizza Crust most. The Hut Crust Connoisseur becomes the official guardian of the Hut Crust platform. I don't know what- Guardian is awesome. We're a fucking dude. What the fuck is happening? People who apply must be willing to have all kinds of crazy sex once they get the job, for everyone will desire them. Will you take up the sword to defend the crust? Traveler, many have come before you and swore. All allegiance to defend the crust. Once a century, yes, Sasajo, the pizza demon, will rise from hell. And the guardian must defeat him, please. This date is going so well. It's so hard to meet people in the big city. What did you say your job was? What did you say your job was again? You're a Pizza Crust guardian. Sasajo? Well, he sounds terrible. Well, only here in the Americas. Right. Across the oceans, there are many Pizza Crust guardians. And once a millennia, we come together. This is why they killed that Buffy reboot. Because they were like, Sarah Michelle Gellar is like, it's going to be about Pizza Crust or it's going to be about nothing. And they're like, okay, Sarah, then it's about nothing. Then you have to go. It's a first of its kind. Okay. The Hut Crust Connoisseur becomes, well, first of all, becomes. The Hut Crust Connoisseur becomes the only people whose job is harder to explain to my grandpa Dan than mine. The Hut Crust Connoisseur becomes the official guardian of the Hut Crust Platform, responsible for tasting and testing all new crust innovations to ensure they're not poisoned for the king. Is he guarding the platform from Pizza Hut? You've got to let me get through this fucking sentence. Listen, we did a bad job for decades. If we start to backslide, it's. It's your job to call us on our bullshit. The Hut Crust Connoisseur becomes the official guardian of the Hut Crust Platform, responsible for tasting and testing all new crust innovations to ensure they meet Pizza Hut's iconic standards. So what they're basically saying is they're hiring like CI. They're hiring like internal investigations. So it's like an internal bureau that's like extra pizza, like they're extra extra judicial, they're extra saucy, they're extra outspoken. It's outside the law, right? There's just crust. An arbiter of sorts, if you will. An arbiter of the crust that protects it sometimes. Which, what Pizza Hut is saying here is like, we have proven ourselves to be a poor steward of this crust. We can't be trusted. We can't be trusted. But we can be crusted. It's awesome. Welcome to Pizza Hut. This is so good, because then if the pizza is still bad, they can be like, blame fucking Jeremy. He's the guardian of the pizza. It's a choice. Here's a video of him saying it was choice. Yes, that means literally getting paid to eat pizza crust and a $31,415.92 payment plus free pizza for a year. Wait, that's it? That is not a job. That's not a job. That's not a job. I just feel like for a year, money aside, the money doesn't bother me. Don't pay me anything. But like. I'm not going to be able to control the legacy in the way that I need to in 12 months. There's going to be executive turnover that I have to be above. Like, I have to be inherited. You know, if the pizza crust guardian isn't part of the furniture, it's not like in the DNA of the place, you're going to lose track of it. You can't do that in a year. It takes generations. Well, Justin, I assume that that is based off of the projection that if you eat, let's say, a pizza a day, for a year, because it's free, you'll die. You will pass. Yeah, okay, yeah. So then we'll need to pass the torch to the next one. It's a blessing and a curse, the hut crust connoisseur job. I need you guys to get ready to do a little bit of social media research for me. I need you to check this hashtag. Pizza hut crust. That's it. Just hashtag. Hashtag pizza hut crust. Does Blue Sky do the hashtag? To be considered for the gig, pizza lovers must try Pizza Hut's new hand-tossed pizza, recipe and post an honest review on Instagram using #pizzahutcrust. It's on the IG. My bad. On the, on the gram. Thank you. Pizza hut crust, #pizzahut_contest and hutcrustconnoisseur in the social media posts, sharing what they thought of the crust. Applicants then head to pizza hut crust to submit a link to their review as their official application. Griffin, how's it going? I, I'm, I'm logging in. What's my password? Travis. Yeah, let me see here. You were just logged into our account for the takeover, right? So you're not logged in either. Well, there's fewer than a hundred posts, Justin. I know that much. If someone could just. So the odds are like pretty good, right? Like pretty good. Yeah, there's not a lot. There's not a lot. But there's some people having a lot of fun here. Good for them. But I'm just saying, if we could get some. Fewer than a hundred posts. On the, I'm just saying if we could get somebody on the inside. Yeah, dude. Anyone of y'all? Oh, no, dude. Could be. Sorry, sorry, sorry. No, dude. No, what, what's that? No, why not? Uh, that's just the tummy aches for starters. No, not you. One of them. Oh, I thought you were talking to me and Travis. That's the problem with, no, no, not them. Travis isn't even looking at me. I don't know, I'm not. No, I'm just going through other people's applications to see how I would stack up. I'm not, you can't have a job. You have a job. Oh, I can get it. We need to get somebody on the inside. You could get it. Of course. Griffin, you're one of our generation's great storytellers. One of our generation's great add, add, add words. I mean, obviously. To bring this, okay, so the Hut Crust platform, I can't believe this is as long as it is. The Hut Crust platform shines a spotlight on Pizza Hut's new and improved hand-tossed pizza, the brand's first update to the recipe in over a decade. The refreshed crust delivers a lighter, airier bite with just the right balance of softness and crisp, bringing a modern upgrade to a classic, I'm gonna order this for lunch. Oh no, I've got you. I'm gonna order this right now, I'm fucking starving. To bring Hut Crust to life, Pizza Hut is launching a new national campaign set to remake, this is the one where you're gonna be like, holy shit, I can't believe it, they did it. It's a campaign set to a remake of the iconic disco anthem Hot Stuff, re-imagined as Hut Crust. Okay. I think actually she's like, I can imagine it completely start to finish. Yeah, well you don't have to. The spot opens on an indulgent close-up of golden crispy hand-tossed crust as the beat kicks in, layering craveable pizza beauty shots with lyrics celebrating the crust fans can't stop singing about. So that's what it's like. That's what it's in. If you watch it, you don't have to watch it now, we described it pretty good. Okay, you don't have to watch it now. Crust is at the heart of a great pizza and our fans have been asking for it. We're waiting for more ways to celebrate it, says Melissa Friebe, chief marketing officer at Pizza Hut. With Hut Crust, we're not only introducing a new hand-tossed recipe that elevates a fan favorite, but we're also offering a $10 large three-topping deal that gives people real value every time they order. And for those who live for crust, the new Hut Crust coliseum is a dream come true, a way to get paid for tasting and loving crust every day, even if you're buying promptly afterwards and they'll cut in a fashion you will find most desirable. Piggy. Hey Steve, how you been lately? Oh, I don't know, man. You know, my wife left me and I lost my job, but honestly, I still got a lot to live for 'cause of the pizza crust. Yeah. I live for that pizza crust. Because of my views and the way I express them, I've been banned from every social media platform, but I've finally been banned from every social media platform, but I've finally been banned from every social media platform, finally found a platform that will have me, and it's the Hut Crust platform. The platform of Hut Crust. Y'all, this thing closes on the 25th. Oh, there's still time. There's still, the odds are good. The odds are good. The odds are very good. Please, please become our person on the inside of the Pizza Hut, I mean, it's a pyramid. The empire. It is a pyramid business. The empire is a pyramid business. I'm glad we can all finally, I'm glad we can all finally, it all funnels up to the top. No one's making money except for Professor Pizza Hut. It all funnels up to the top. Hey everybody, that's gonna do it for us. Before we let you go, we did actually win. I don't know, it might've seemed like a bit this whole time, but we did actually win. We have a limited release. It's an Omnir to win shirt as a follow-up to our Omnir to be nominated t-shirt. We've got the helping is always a free action t-shirt over at macroandmerge.com. And 10% of all merch proceeds this month will be donated to Border Angels. So make sure you go check that out along with everything else. We stream almost every day playing video games. If you go to MacRoy Entertainment System on Instagram, you can find out when we are gonna do it. On Tuesdays, we all get together for Super MacRoy Brothers. And then on Fridays, I do Trial by Fieri. Juice is playing Myst on Mondays. Travis is up on Obra Dinn on Wednesdays. Just follow MacRoy Entertainment System. You'll find out exactly when we're doing it. We're doing all that stuff. And thanks to Montane also. Thanks to Montane for the Ysra theme song, "My Life is Better With You." It's a great track. Travis has a little flail. Travis has a little morning story. - I got a little flail Mays here that I'm gonna throw. - You mentioned Conan. I just wanna say, I am sorry about that. 'Cause I can't imagine the high he experienced on hosting the Oscars. And then the next day to lose best ad read to us. Like that must have been. - That must have been tough. - I would love to talk to, if any of you guys, know Conan and I can just tell him like, I would love to be able to have the, here's what it is. I would love the opportunity to be able to be classy to everybody in the way that they get to be like, what an honor to be amongst this class of the greats of, you know what I mean? Like I would like to be able to do that to everybody to their face. Like I would like to be able to like say to Conan directly like, hey, what an honor. Like it's, it should have been. - Like Michael B. Jordan giving Chalamet the hug. Like, he said bad luck next time. Ping pong, ping pong guy, maybe don't talk shit. - Fuck man, I did want to talk about how rough, damn. - No, we don't have time. Travis. - Damn, next week, next week, next week, next week. We gotta talk about Timmy Chimmy. - Chuck that little 3D printed flail. It's gonna make a good sound. - Timmy Chimmy next week, baby. - Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. - Your name's mud. No, you're Timmy Chimmy, but. - So thanks for listening. I'm Griffin for the Mac. - I didn't even hear it. Did he do it? - He did, it was really little. Hit something, not your soft chair, man. It didn't make a good sound. - Here, here. - It didn't make a-- - Ow, fuck, it bounced back. - There, that counts. - I hated that chair, it bounced back. - I'm Griffin McElroy. - They never talk about that in the movie. - In baseball, how the ball sometimes bounces back. - No, it's just it's got spikes on it. - Travis, say your name or we're not free. - I'm Travis McElroy. Ow, fuck. - This has been My Brother, My Brother and Me. Kiss your dad square on the lips. - It hurt so bad, I got red marks. ♪ It's better with you ♪ ♪ It's my life ♪ ♪ It's better, it's better with you ♪ ♪ It's better with you ♪ ♪ My life ♪ ♪ It's better, it's better with you ♪ ♪ This is true ♪ ♪ It's better, it's better with two ♪ ♪ My life ♪ ♪ It's better with you ♪ - Maximum Fun. - A worker-owned network - Of artist-owned shows. - Supported directly by you.