MBMBaM 800: Platonic Soapbox Sex Coffin

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mention only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? One, two, three, four! It's the start of something beautiful. A small acquaintance has blossomed, it's ripened into a precious friendship. I could have never seen what was coming for me. Hangs at the skate park, hangs by the beach. My life, it feels like. My life, ah, it's better, it's better with you. My life, ah, it's better. It's better with you. This is true, ah, it's better, it's better with two. My life, ah, it's better with you. Hello everybody and welcome to My Brother, My Brother and Me, an advice show for the modern era. I'm your oldest brother, Justin Tiberius McElroy. What's up, Trav Nation? It's me, your minimalist brother, Travis Big Dog Vroom Vroom, the Rocket McElroy. It's me. Griffin McElroy, your sweet baby brother, 30 under 30, media luminary, fastball. Guys, it's episode 800 and I've got a big announcement. I'm excited because we've got a real showstopper planned for. We've been buzzing for months about the big 8-8-double-0. The big 8-0-0 that we realized a long time before now. Like October, we've started churning. A long time, we started generating ideas. Big 8-8-0-0. The numbers move sequentially, right? And we knew we were doing like 795, 796. So we definitely knew it was coming. And the fact that we are always doing about 19 things at the same time did not stop us from remembering to recognize this important podcasting achievement. The 800 episode. Yeah, the 800. This is our 16th year doing it and we're at 800, which is. A pretty good hit rate. That's not bad, dude. I mean, that's 50 episodes a year. I feel pretty good about that. A little pat on the back for us working 50 hours a year. I think that's good stuff, guys. Hey, sometimes you go like an hour 15. Sure. Yeah. That's true. But I've got a big announcement. I didn't think I would be so nervous, but to celebrate episode 800. Yeah, man. I'm going to do a face reveal. I think it's time. You're right, Trav. The digital mask you wear is such a big part of your identity. It's on all the merch and stuff. You can't take it off. I've been working with a. You can't not be the Gooberman anymore. I know. The famous mask. But I've been working with a face therapist to help me recognize myself outside of the Gooberman mask. Are we going to see the Gooberman again after this? Or does this face reveal mean the Gooberman is dead and gone? I think the Gooberman will always. I think the Gooberman will always be there on some level. You know what I mean? We're never juice. We're never seeing the Gooberman again. You don't know that. Don't say that. I do know that. I've seen these things happen before in the past. Once people get a taste of people knowing what their face looks like, they get. They love it. They love it. The worry was. Addicted to face, guys. I was starting to be more the Gooberman outside of stuff than I wasn't. There'd be times that I'd be sitting at dinner and my children would call me Mr. McElroy. And I'd be like, no, it's the Gooberman, please. And then I was like, whoa, this has gone too deep. No, I mean, when you showed up for Christmas and you came in the door and you were all hunched over and you kept yelling, pee-pee patrol, I was like, man, can we get one break from the Gooberman? I miss Travis. Or the Goob, as he keeps saying. The Goob, like. Please, your family, it's the Goob. It's the Goob. And it's like, all right, can I call you Travis, though, or Mr. McElroy? No, no, he wanted to be the Gooberman only. Goob me, bro, I would say. All right, well, let's. At three in the morning. Enough preamble. Yeah, dude. Pee-pee patrol's over. Killed the Gooberman. Let's see this bad boy. That's my face. So my first, I guess my first and my initial reaction. My initial reaction, Travis. The class's prescription, I guess. First of all, before we get into it, our reaction, how do you feel right now, Travis? About your face. This must be a vulnerable moment for you. I want to make space. I feel very. Very exposed. Yeah, but I feel like I imagine other people. Sorry, can you move the mic? Because I'm not seeing the bottom. You're not getting the full. Project into it, because I do need to hear you. I thought it would be a similar color, but it's not. The feeling of people, like, jumping into, like, a cold lake, which I've never done and will never do. Yeah. Where it's like, I feel alive. Like, that's kind of the feeling I'm having now. Yeah. Although I am seeing myself now for the first time and realizing how much of my facial hair is gray and white. Yeah. But not the mustache, which is like a dirty. It's dirty to you as well. Yeah, I've never looked. You've never. Oh, my God. Yeah, I've never looked at it. Why are my glasses purple? I always. What the fuck? I assumed, Trav. I endorse. I know. I assumed that when we weren't doing the show. Yeah. You didn't wear the Gooberman mask. But it sounds like you haven't seen your actual face flesh in quite some time. No. Well, what happened was, Griffin, these Musketeers showed up. Move your mic back up. I can barely hear you. Yeah, I can't hear you. These Musketeers showed up to where my evil twin brother had locked me in the Gooberman. The Gooberman mask? Yeah. And rescued me from the French prison that I was in. Okay. To take my rifle places, Travis, and free me from the Gooberman mask. Okay. So, that's the plot of Demand and the Gooberman mask is what you've just done. Yeah. Leo Capps was in that. He played Fartanian. And he was good. Who was. Was that. That was Robin. Are you telling me, man, that Iron Mask is secretly. A Three Musketeers joint? Yeah, they trick you. They don't tell you that. But it's like. That's cool. Yeah, it's like when you saw 10 Cloverfield Lane and you're like, wait, this is part of the Cloverfield vert. Like, it's that moment. Yeah. It's like, oh, shit, it's bigger now. So, what do you guys think of my face? Yeah. Yeah, oh, sorry. In fact, your face. Yeah, if you could rank it, like, on a scale of 1 to 10, where would you put it? What am I. Well, let's agree. Third. Like, if we're ranking third, the face. Third. Oh, yeah. Third. Third. Third. Third. Third. The score is going to be great. It will be the third lowest score on the list. And we didn't do that, Trav. We didn't do the list. Yeah. This date is coming in. It's recency bias. This date is coming in real time. I've got my road dog, Nate Silver, sitting right by me. Yeah. He's pulling in the polling data. On the big board. Live. He's interpreting it. Where was the Gooberman on that list? He was also last, but way lower score because his mask. His face was bad. His face was bad. Yeah. Objectively, pretty bad face. But I'm above him, right? I like it. I like that face. That's Clarence from It's a Wonderful Life. I always thought that was a weird way to start that movie. When they're like, here's the guy whose life you're going to be saving. And he's like, I like his face. Clarence. Will I be wearing his face, Lord? No. No, Clarence. No. I want to take his face. Joseph, I told you he was going to do this. I told you he was going to be weird. I think I'd like to make love to that pretty wife of his. No. Clarence, you can't actually. You can't do that. I'm going to take his face off. Mrs. Bailey, would you like another flaming run and punch? Please, just let us go. Every time an angel nuts, a bell rings. And then. Wait, so it's the other way around. It's a transitive property, yes. Because normally, when the bell rings, an angel gets his wings. That's horrifying. I like that face. Anyway, what were we talking. Oh, yeah, Trev. Eight and a half. You get a solid IGN, eight and a half. So, wait, where does that put your. If your score is above mine, what would you give your own face? Juice and I are neck and neck in a way where any time. We're not comparing necks, Griffin. Look at the comments. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Juice is the prettiest McElroy right now. I think the comments all agree. And that's not like I'm not, you know, I'm doing. That's a lighting thing, though, mainly. It's a lighting thing. It's a lighting thing, but it's a. I mean, gosh, Juice. You have managed to harness. I don't want to do this. beautiful skin. You look great. I just want to tell you that. Okay. Here's a question for you. You don't want to talk about how handsome you are. That's crazy. Dear brothers, my wife and I. You're a handsome man. Can Travis and I talk about how handsome you are? If I wasn't related to you. We're getting to a place where, no, I don't want to, but I will say this. Dear brothers, my wife and I are at a concert for our anniversary. We're standing near the stage and will be until the concert is over so we don't lose our place. With three kids. Sidebar. How? How's everyone doing this? How did you do that? How are you guys doing this without bathrooms? How do you do. How do you piss and shit? That's crazy. The choice spot for me is stage visibility plus pathway to bathroom. Balcony. plus pathway to refreshments. Yes. Sitting down? This is where I need to triangulate that. If I'm at a concert, by the way, and I'm sitting down and everybody gets in the moment and starts to stand up, I've never felt more betrayed than that moment. It was like, no, guys, but we all. We just did this whole thing. I thought we all paid for this. Now, when we fire up the old Turin machine again, it pays off to get close. The Turin machine. The Turin machine. Yes, when we all take the turn. So with three kids, date nights are rare. So we asked the woman standing behind us to take our picture to commemorate the occasion. We just looked at the picture and it's maybe the worst picture of us ever taken. Zoomed out to 0.5, bad lighting, bad angle, the works. She took many pictures and they're all terrible. We'll be standing by her for the next several hours. How do we get someone else to take our picture without alerting her to the fact that she did a horrible job? And that's from Concert Pit Conundrum. I have an early thought that is untested by logic. If I could just. Yeah, get it out quick before logic catches up to it. Before logic catches up. If you befriend this woman, that's your best option. Because if you get in good enough with her that you could be like, this is too good. I got to remember. I got to remember this. Stand with me and Janine over there. Stand with us. I want to get a picture with you. Not so close. Yeah, it'll be like a funny one where there's like a gap in the. And you're like pretending like you're posing severally. Yeah. But we're going to have this jabroni over here take our picture. Point five is such a nasty trick. Point five is always like, I'd love to get more of the scene in this picture. And then you take the picture and you look at it a month later like, this looks like shit. Why did I put my kids in this weird fisheye, Beastie Boys music video angle? This doesn't look good at all. They should know better just from that alone. Yeah, I can't stand it. I think you should just ask somebody else because she blew it. Like, I think that maybe this is some constructive feedback via social interaction that needs to happen of like, hey, your photography skills are shit and you're going to pick up on that. Go ahead. Go ahead, comedy man. Say that. Say that shit. No, I'm not saying that. I'm saying if you ask somebody else and she clocks in. And made the other person watch, say, pay attention, learn. Watch this. Watch what I do here. Watch this. You ever see a grown woman cry? Watch this. I don't. I'm not saying that there should be a. There should be a mandatory test that people have to take once a decade where they demonstrate basic sort of photographical. Sorry, did you say to vote? To vote. Okay. Yeah, this is my weird soapbox I'm going to stand on. No. No. Well, okay. So if we wanted to tie voting responsibility to this thing. Yeah. Okay. It's maybe not the worst idea in the world. In order to vote, you do need to take a once a decade mandatory. Three minute, online, free, well, photographing class. Myers-Briggs. Oh, wait. No, like photography. Photographing class. Photographing class. This is the base skill that we need ourselves. You know what, Griffin? Honestly, I want to like argue with you. Think about it. I want to argue with you, but like documenting through photography. Yeah. There's a vocabulary there that a lot of people lack. That's a good point. Yeah, we're a five minute society. A five minute YouTube video about the rule of thirds. Will change your life. Five minute YouTube video, the rule of thirds. You're set, man. You really. I don't remember anything else from my college photography classes that I took for journalism school. I don't remember fucking. Golden ratio? Who gives a shit? No one uses that. Rule of thirds, though. Oh, that one's a good one. That's the best and only one that you really need. It tells you exactly how much headspace to give them. Exactly how to crop it. Do you guys have. I have a similar thing to derail this a little bit of like, I took a film studies class and I remember one thing. And it's about the 180 rule of people walking across me. Oh, yeah. And it's that thing that I pull out when I'm watching a movie and I'm like, mm, yeah. Yeah, looks like they broke the plane. Yeah, they broke that to show how discordant this is. I don't think I have gotten someone, a stranger, to take a picture of me and Rachel. I mean, since we have kids. Our journey. You just make your kids do it? Our kids, yeah. God, that's. Oh, that's good. Bebe does it. Bebe's incredible at it. Yeah. And Bebe knows she's good at it. She's like, you two get together. Let me take a picture of you. I'm like, okay. God, I love that for her. And she's so good at it. That will serve her so, so well. She's like doing angles and having us pose in waves. And I'm like, okay, thank you. Rachel and I are both blessed with pretty long arms and now knowledge that when you press the volume up or down button, it does the shutter in photo mode. With those two things equipped, you can really get some pretty phenomenal pictures of yourself Have you guys ever been in a scenario where a stranger has volunteered? Like, I was on a family trip. I was making like a selection of like selfies to build into a like album of like, here's selfies exactly the same of all the places the four of us have been. Cool. And a stranger saw this and was like, do you want me to take your picture? And it's so hard to go, no, no, I don't want that actually. Yeah. I would rather you didn't because I've got like a choice thing going here and I don't know you. And one, you're asking me to hand you my phone. I know a scam when I see one. People get so mad when they see selfie sticks out in the world, but it's like, have you done your once a decade photographing class that's online and free? I think so. I think you need to exercise your civic responsibility and vote and by the transitive property, also take this online free mandatory photographing class that teaches you about the rule of thirds and that the volume buttons do the shutter. Depending on the show, there could be a moment, like if you're gonna do a Lubega show and you wait until he does Mambo number five, the other person is gonna be so in it, it's gonna be ripping. It's all gonna be joy. It's all gonna be pleasure. Your wife's name is Monica Angela Rita and that's like, when that comes up in Mambo number five, you wanna capture that exact moment. I bet that's confusing. He actually wrote that lyric as part of a cameo for your wife. I bet that's so confusing if you're at your first Lubega show. And you somehow miss Mambo number five and your name is Monica Angela Rita and you're like, "Is he calling me on stage?" Yeah. Am I supposed to go up there? That's such a thread bearer, hypothetically, for you. No, I like it. I like the idea of Lubega having a one less lonely girl call up where he's like, "All right, ladies." Every time he gets on stage, he's like, finishes Mambo number four and he's like, "You know what the fuck's coming." He's like, "You know the rules, ladies. "If your name is Angela Monica Rita, "those are the only fucking three names I can remember." There's like 14 names in that goddamn thing. Sandra. Sandra. Citra. Citra. Yennefer. Phoebe, Chandler. Lubega, Lubega. He says his own name. He says Lubega. He says his own name a few times. Yeah. ♪ And when things are not going great ♪ ♪ Lubega, loo, loo, loo, loo, loo, loo, loo ♪ ♪ I had motto for a month, it was loo ♪ ♪ Just loo for a month ♪ ♪ I broke my ankle and it was just loo ♪ ♪ Loo ♪ ♪ Sandra stopped by but nothing got going ♪ ♪ Nothing got going, thought it would be Sandra ♪ ♪ But Sandra wasn't feeling the leg thing ♪ ♪ Loo, loo, loo, loo, loo, loo, loo, loo, loo, loo, loo, loo ♪ ♪ There's just a lot of loos in it ♪ The trumpet. ♪ In the spreadsheet I've built here ♪ ♪ It's just a lot of loos ♪ Oh no. So, yeah, there should be mandatory photography classes and just do selfies. That's it. How about another question? Sure. My husband just finished building a sauna room in our basement. It is awesome. And we would love to share the experience with friends. The problem is the room is very small, about four foot by seven foot, half of which is taken up by the bench. I would argue that's fairly a pretty good size for a sauna, actually. I don't think it's that small. We don't wanna fuck our friends. Not that there's anything wrong with that. So is there a non-weird way to invite people to join us? That's a great statement, by the way. Any of 'em? Sorry, go on. Yeah, just like listen. But that's not where they're at, okay? They wanna invite people to this small hot room in their basement without making it like a sex thing. That's from Sweaty and Suburbia. Now, the thing I do wanna say before we get into it is that as someone who has been on the other side of this equation, I would like you to please be gentle with your husband when you're describing this. 'Cause if you do, you're gonna have to be very careful with what you're saying. yeah some of it is about the reality of it you're gonna get in there and it is gonna be like well what do we do now yeah that is good yeah listen as a man who's let's say lived with adhd his entire life anything that um involves and then we just exist in this moment yeah that's right you gotta have an activity you gotta have a little game you gotta have something gotta have something gotta have a little game a little game or a little game like if you're gonna like a little game or a little game one of those two you know like whatever but you don't want that you don't want the second one which is fine here's the here's like what else are you doing in there i guess is my question it's gonna be boring you get a crab you get a crab boil going while you're in there you're steaming yourself you're steaming some crab you know what i mean that's pretty cool actually i like that put it put them right on the coals what about this oh what if you make a big deal talking to your friends about how you recently found out that you shouldn't do any sex stuff in saunas yeah like it's actually dangerous because the heat could act you could kill you so like if you go into a sauna and it can't be at all romantic or sexy because you could die from yeah uh here can we actually we could provide them a service just like pretend like you're turning on the radio and then but like play the next like 20 seconds of this show oh that's good yeah yeah we'll put in like a new stinger right it will give you some can i can be that i'll be i'll do the ads coming back half price half price half price half price half price shoes what a what and then the stinger is gonna play here the news we'll get a real no we have like that's round ball rock so that's john tesh's round ball rock they're not gonna play that before i got it down at the round house so they're gonna play so down i know i think the show can put music like a real stinger in here oh okay so here we go so don't start it yet start it in like a once we get it together you're gonna get us content struck for the theme song i'm gonna do i'm gonna do an ad and then we'll come back okay tutor's biscuit world is just like coming home and this is where the stinger welcome back to turbo news this is chet flang and today we have a special report coming out of the industry of recreational health saunas if you do sex stuff in them if some of the jizz gets on the stones it'll kill you graveyard dead that's from that's from our lead researcher yes hello that's me the lead researcher dr his steven um listen um we've studied countless couples in saunas so many of them dead um we have so much blood on our hands and you know what we take full responsibility for that for the good of the people yes don't sex in saunas yes my name is victoria beckham we've got a call in virginia my name is victoria beckham i'm from nitro west virginia i lost my husband daryl he just stole one of the stones and then his face got all purple and now he lives up in jesus with my brother simpleton so you heard it here you four don't oh wait hold on dr steam and a clarifying question it's what if they promise really hard not to get any jizz on the hot rocks any jizz in the air uh jizz particles could still cause the problem so it what if they just do what if they just do a little it says here hanky panky but don't finish even pre-jizz can cause my free form jizz can cause my daryl was just shooting chalk dust out of there and he still manages to kill himself okay dr steeman i need you to take a break and i want to hear more from victoria you're saying that dust came out of your husband's penis after completion like it looked like it looked like one of those parallel bar gymnasts was about to do their thing just a big plume of dust up in the air and then it landed on the rock so he and that was enough to kill him graveyard dad the particulate okay so what would you say miss beckham to any quartet of two married couples who are maybe thinking about getting into a sauna and doing anything that might lead to any sort of discharge just keep it all normal just keep it normal talk about talk about friends marathons talk about chips you like just be normal in there please don't if anybody gives anybody that even looks like an eye or it kind of a huh or they try to bring up la seduction that they were watching on hbo or anything like that you get the hell out of there okay what's that what's that show miss beckham it's a sort of an adaptation of dangerous liaisons so sorry are you bringing up because he thought daryl brought it up because he thought he could bridge he brought it up because we've watched it on hbo max i don't like things with subtitles wait when did daryl die what did daryl die quite recently hey i hey hey two weeks ago is the crow flies of memory sir i'm the i'm the anchor here you don't ask the questions dr steeman stay in your fucking i'm just trying to figure out if you're single or not you know what i mean have you had time to grieve i'm allowed to ask questions about other people's sort of you got time to grieve you got time to clean that's what my boss used to say that's horrible that's really the worst job i ever had where was they put this place on i'm there right now i'm there now it's at this hardy's victoria you're on the phone i told you this is my break oh she says i get a break if you have time to go on a break you got time to clean so it sounds like he thinks that's sorry can you put that guy on the phone victoria let's talk to your boss hey it's me tom hardy so tom hardy i just want to check on something really quick yeah if you're not are you is your suggestion that anytime you're not cleaning is you have time to be cleaning during that yeah even during cleaning if you have time to clean you got time to clean more that's great that's why are you so interested in in in that like people need time to you know sin is everywhere okay and that's all the time that we have for this evening for real news i've been victoria beckham wait hold i've been terry gross no who am i hold on wait who am i wait you were the anchor why did you become it took so long that she actually got a job as a co-anchor because she's single wow yeah and she changed her voice okay because this was turbo this was turbo news a gun to my head we'll get a gun to my head two hundred dollars held out in front of me could not remember the name of the guy i think it was that was a johnson that was a long run guys i am exhausted yeah well get yourself together griffin because it's time for us to go earn our do our real job we're gonna go to the money center it's better i've decided to do a fun thing for this money zone um it's thematic i thought we could do a thematic money zone agreeing agreeing ahead of time too on the parameters that's always fun picture a place that is square yeah yeah do you see it yeah now picture your dreams there okay picture your goals picture your future how big is the square it depends on the size of the monitor or handheld device upon which you're viewing it because i'm talking about square space baby okay it's a square space where you can put your ideas just your good got a little square there he's trying he's showing us show me your square juice whoa david bowie where'd you get that shit from well it's like a little plastic square that's cool i need you to sell your fish food i want you to list your calendar calendar appointments for me on the web all right i have designers who've made templates like this for you reach out and grab them and then sell fish food online this is a this is a this is a wild ride guys does it have to be just fish food david you can do anything you can blog about your dad okay you can post your pictures of regis philbin whatever you want to do in your square i've made the entire world for you in crystal for your brother okay just give me your brother and i'll let you make a fish i want to be clear here squarespace is great we've used it a lot to make a lot of beautiful websites that make us seem more professional than we are i don't remember receiving a crystal at any point in this in the transaction in this did you give your brother so no they but they didn't ask me to give you a ask is that like you have to type in in the coupon code field like um you have to type in the coupon code field i submit my brother to the goblin king yeah and then he gives you a crystal and he will give you a crystal and that is like i will say it's a lot harder than it's easier than squarespace in a sense because like you just say the one thing and then the goblin king pretty much takes it from there yeah but in another sense it's harder because it's not necessarily going to be the website that you want right it is gonna be you know what i mean and it might change the - What's the dynamic of your podcast if you give away one of the brothers? - Yeah, 100%. That's a good point, Travis. The Goblin King will trade your brother for a website, but is it going to have all the. Are you going to be able to sell stuff? No, because it's in a little crystalline square in your hand. No one's going to get on there, man. Do they have good Wi-Fi in the labyrinth? Will the brothers still be able to podcast from there? They don't know. I mean, these are the questions that the Goblin King Jareth isn't willing to answer, but Squarespace is. We need to get the Goblin King Jareth on Turbo News. They'll get to the heart of this with their hard-hitting questions. Head to squarespace.com slash mybrother for a free trial, and when you're ready to launch, use offer code mybrother to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. I have been. Can I do my thematic thing? Oh, yeah. I didn't realize you had something tight together. I forgot, Travis. You do the second part. Picture a square. Are you picturing a square? Yes. That you can put. That you can put your adventures on? Yeah. That you can put your loved ones on? That you can fill with memories? I'm pretty sure that it's rectangular. Do you want this picture of your brother? Okay. Jareth, I'd rather just have a picture of me. This picture of you and your grandmother at Six Flags. All right. Yeah. For this gem, give me your brother, and I will give you a gem that will show you pictures of your family. Okay. We could also just use Aura Frames instead of trading me for a picture of me on a little gem. I'm just saying Aura Frames does this way, way better. It means the world to me, Griffin, that you defaulted to Justin would trade you and not me. That means a lot to me. I think I'd be the easiest to trade. Why? Why? Why do you think that? What makes you say so? I don't know. Smaller. Smaller, more compact. Easier to get in a trunk? Yeah. Probably. That's true. Jareth would have an easier time getting me up into the air on his broom, than he would you. And that's not saying that you're not, you're just like sort of built, you know? And I'm scrappier. I think you, you might fight it for a minute, and then you'd be like, okay. No, Jareth could absolutely beat my ass. I've also seen Jareth like holding court with all the goblins, and like the one thing I don't think that cat wants is somebody else pulling focus. Yeah. Like it really, he seems to really enjoy just like holding court. So anyway, Aura Frames. Yeah. Aura Frames is amazing. Yeah. Gang, these are, these are quality digital picture frames. And what I really appreciate about them is that it's so easy to manage the, the, the photos on them. Instead of letting your photos just disintegrate in a group chat, or, or some, some online group somewhere. Instead of all that, why don't you put them in a beautiful Aura Frame? You just download the Aura Frames app. You can zip, zap, zop any of your pictures to the frames you've connected to. Get one for your gram, for Grampy. Then get, put, do the app and then you can put pictures on it so Grampy doesn't have to. You can get the fun experience I have where I have the Aura Frame. And anytime a picture comes up before Dot was born, she starts to make plans of when we're going to go back to that place and recreate the photo with her in it. That's awesome, Travis. God, that's good. Your children are so powerful. Charlie was watching TV and a baby photo of hers popped up in the Aura. And I was looking at it and I said, well, she wasn't even really listening. I said, gosh, you remind me of the babe. And she said, what babe? And I said, the babe in the photo. She said, what photo? Oh man, you're so close. I said the photo on Aura. But then it fell apart, didn't it? Then it fell apart. You said it was actually you saying it. You gave me the, it was you saying it. Oh, was it? Actually ruined it. Cause I had a really good, good one. Good ending. And you actually. Oh, I thought you were telling an actual story. Sorry. I thought you were telling a real story of a thing that really, really happened between you and Charlie. And it almost organically became the bit from Labyrinth, but you're saying. No, it was almost there and I just couldn't, I couldn't stick it. Honestly, Griffin. I couldn't, I couldn't do it. Yeah. So Aura Frames is great. And we've, I think at this point, all of us have given them out. They're great gifts. Great gifts. They're also nice to have around the home. We have one down in our, our, uh, our living room and it's always nice to. It reminds me of my house when my house wasn't blanketed. What house? The house with the, the flower. Name not number one by Wirecutter. You can save on the perfect gift by visiting Aura Frames.com. For a limited time, listeners can get $35 off their best selling Carver matte frame with code my brother. That's A-U-R-A frames.com promo code. My brother. Support the show by mentioning us at checkout terms and conditions apply. We're winning that fucking, we're winning that iHeartRadio. That's what I was going to say. We'll just clip that. Yeah. Submit that. That's the one that will take up a large, I bet they, they typically will play the entire ad at the ceremony, but not this time. No, no, not, not with this. They'll play it at like 1.3. 0.75 speed. Like everyone else does. Yeah, sure. We got a haunted doll watch. Oh my God. Oh my God. Were you scared? I mean, it's just, it's been a minute since I've seen a haunted doll around these parts. Well, this isn't even a haunted doll, but we did have, I had a local connection on this one, so I felt like I needed to share it with you all. Yeah. Let's see. One haunted item. Piano key. What? Paranormal unexplained. Like one. Chilling. Haunted items. Eerie. Okay. That's the listing. And for sale is one piano key. One. It was hard to find the noun in there to tell like what I was buying. Yeah, so it's one, what you're buying is one piano key. Okay. Haunted. Huh. One piano key. Haunted. Let me see if I can give you guys a decent visual to work with. This is interesting because this is. This is such a good inversion, right? Of like, try to figure out what's weirder to buy a single key or to have a single key to sell. Now, wait a minute. That's like 16. I'm looking at like 16 pianos. Yeah, but like you're buying one at a time. They're all haunted. Yeah, but you're buying. By the same ghost? Go to the next photo up because I feel like we're looking at maybe even an entire piano's worth of keys that are haunted. So that's 88. So he's like selling each key individually. I'm like, you look, you could buy three for $6.99 a piece if you wanted to. Is that parts of a single ghost? So you can get a deal. You can get a combo deal. Why do you want more than one haunted key, pervert? No, I'm. Okay, but like a piano that is haunted. What? One at a time. Yeah. If a piano that is haunted. Let's say one at a time and for sure not the guy with the list of all the words in front of him. Yeah. One at a time. One at a time. Not sure how to pick the priority, but let's start with Griffin. Are we talking? A piano is not a house for 88 ghosts. Thank you. I guess that's sort of my starting point. So true. You can have one big ghost in a haunted piano that like tries to eat you up when the mouth goes up and down like in Super Mario 64 or House. But the idea of, you know, the G and the F on the piano roll being ghost neighbors. That's that's not that. Can't be true. Unless it's programmable and on each one is a different sound of boo. And you can play like boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo. That'd be cool. There's no technology that would allow that. Sure. You're putting a lot of human physical limits on these keys. I think like if you're a ghost, you just kind of figure it out. Right. Yeah. So can I tell you? I want to know more. Yeah, for sure. Okay. Seven years ago, we purchased a used piano at CA House Music in Parkersburg, West Virginia. Okay. So we are we are in our home state of West Virginia. If you don't know, Parkersburg, it's a lovely place. It's where my friend Bobby was born. If that helps. So if you know, Bob, if you know, Bob, you know, Bob, you know, Bob, you know, Bob, it's right up there. It's near Ohio. It's real close to Ohio. You can get up near a lot of ghost ghost country. I call it ghost country. It's ghost country up there. North, north, West Virginia. Anyway, after having the piano delivered and tuned in our sunroom. We noticed many random unsettling occurrences. They usually began once everyone went to bed late at night. We would randomly hear one of the keys strike immediately after I would walk in to find no one or nothing in the room. This would also happen with a guitar if it was physically touching the piano. Wait, what? That's cool. So anything that has to spill out. Right. The ghost would like. So this is like an interesting like. What? Asterisk. Asterisk on your question about the keys, right? Because if it's able to jump from piano to guitar. If it's able to do that, then what you get, what you do is you get a bunch of guitars, make a pathway connected all the way to the piano to the front door of your house. And once all the ghosts are in the last guitar, you sever the chain. Now you have one haunted guitar instead of 88 haunted piano keys. That's going to be a lot easier to manage. I think I would, I would stay up late playing the guitar, lean it against the piano. And shortly after I would hear the high E string picked one time. Because if the ghost is going, you were playing the wrong string, this one, this one. Or the guy is like, I can do that. Why can't you play me? Just play me, please. After months of this happening a few times a week, I had convinced myself that maybe the strings were installed wrong. Or it had a weak pin block or a rest plank. Yeah. That would all make it play itself for sure. And the guitar. Yep. Yeah. I don't know why the assumption is that the piano is haunted, but let's read on. Three months ago, I began to see. things, objects and people in the room i would get off the couch in the adjoining living room and catch a glimpse of someone watching me from behind the piano very creepy the random key strikes became louder before this they were faint key strikes now they were forceful loud single notes only one for christmas i bought a family member a ouija board their mother did not want it in the house so i kept it okay when i think you knew exactly how that was gonna play you know what you you had a plan when i would come home early in the morning after a night shift i'd walk in the sunroom to take off my boots before and go into bed. Four mornings in a row, the Ouija board was lying out on the piano. Nobody would admit to lying it there. So we are to, I guess, we're to assume that the piano is getting it out. Yes. Use it on me. Come on. I got so much stuff to say and I can only speak in A through G. I tried to speak through the guitar, but all I could say was egg, babe. Okay. Three months ago, I started to see things and objects and people in the room. I would get off the couch in the adjoining living room and catch a glimpse of someone watching me from behind the piano. Very creepy. I looked in the center room to see someone sitting at the piano. Nice. I jumped up, snuck in the room. Nobody was there. Thinking I was crazy, I got up, shut the sliding door, and I walked to the kitchen to get a Diet Coke. I walked back to the living room and the door was cracked open. Do you have a picture of the Diet Coke here in the listing? A photo of the Diet Coke? See if we have a picture of the offending Coke. Okay. That was it. Okay. Oh, no, no, no. The thing I was crazy, I slid the door and then I walked to the kitchen to get a Diet Coke, walked back to the living room and the door was cracked open. I then walked back into the room and something pushed my shoulder and grunted. That was it. For the next eight hours, I tore the piano apart and threw it outside in my scrap pile for the dump. That's, yes. So that is what, let's see. Yeah, this is what, you can see here. The scrap pile for the dump, yeah. That's great. There's a big pile of piano for the dump. There is the piano keys all torn up and you can buy one of these, guys. Eight hours? I read online. It's not that big of a piano. That is, yeah, eight hours. I read online that bringing a haunted or spirit-attached item into a home, often via antique shops for second-hand purchases, can introduce paranormal activity. Yeah. Including unexplainable noises. Especially if it's a copy of Paranormal Activity on DVD. That's true. Ironically, very haunted, very quick. Days ago, I went out to the scrap pile and found a dead stray cat lying next to the cast iron frame of the piano. The piano did it? I don't know if the piano would do something like that. No, listen, no, listen, guys, listen. It wanted to string a violin. Listen. It looked like it had frozen to death in the winter storm. I find it hard to believe it had nothing to do with the haunted piano. I mean, it was pretty cold. The pics posted the piano and the door that would randomly be opened or closed on its own. The door weighs around 100 pounds. It cannot slide open on its own. If you give this as a gift, I strongly suggest you get permission. Your door is 100 pounds? It's made of piano. Everything in the house is made of piano, even the guitar. I just wanted to say, this seller, a lot of times when you read these, you get the sense that it's somebody who's like done a lot of them. This is not that. This is a person who I sincerely believe this entire story is accurate. Why do I believe that? Well, I clicked on their profile picture of the other items that they sell. Are you guys ready? Yeah. For a real, okay. So if you, I'm just going to kind of slow this down. Wait, before you click on it, can I point out my favorite thing about this entire list? What is it, Travi? Sure, yeah. It's that if you buy one key, it's $19.99 each, but oh boy, oh boy, have we got a deal for you. If you buy four or more of these things, you're going to save $5. It's only $15.99 a key. These things are selling themselves and playing themselves. Come on down and buy these keys. We are looking to make over $1,400 on this one project. That's exciting for me as an investor. It's a very good idea. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And I hope it works out for them. So let's take a look. What else do we got? Share this tab. Okay. Can you see? Uh-huh. All right. So guys, we're not going to, I don't go down for these gendered categories. So let's just start looking at individual items. So what's the first, you started the first time, then you guys can just like kind of take turns describing what you see. Wowzers, bowzers, dude. So it is haunted, haunted item, piano key, paranormal, and explain to the blah, blah, blah. Okay. So the haunted item is there. Then what else do we got? We also have a lot of four Tom and Jerry slash Looney Tunes, Welsh's jelly glasses, year 1990 to 1994. That's 25 bucks. That's actually pretty fucking good. If those are available, I remember us having those. What else we got, Trav? Ballistic armor kit, one neck collar, one groin protector, one throat protector. That's good. As long as you protect your neck and your groin and your throat, that should be good. Small red apple trinket box slash hinged magnetic lock jewelry box, keepsakes. Alan Jackson greatest hits, volume two. Cassette tape, brand new seal. 10 bucks for the Alan Jackson. We got a Disney High School musical jersey. Size large. Sure fit, love seat stretch slip cover. We got a charcoal smoker box, stainless steel, nine by four. Travis! Vintage hyper freak show fat boys, the inline skate wheels. These are vintage hyper freak show fat boys wheels? 5'11 men's tactical jacket, medium light gray fleece lined front zip pockets. Travis! Well, then we got, what is that? A 5'11 men's tactical jacket. I just did that. Oh, you lost interest, didn't you, Travis? Fox mini jewel pewter trinket box, wildlife decor, small jewelry box. We got a single curipod drip tray. This person really. That's a lot of different kinds of stuff. It's a lot of different kinds of stuff. So, I think, I believe the story. I believe in this haunted piano. And here's all I'll say, I'm not buying any of these, but you could pick them up for 20 bucks a pop. So, I would love it. Or $15.99 if you get in bulk. Or $15.99 if you want to get a deal. Yeah, buy in bulk. Yeah. I just think it's really sad, this story of a stray cat that used to sneak into this woman's house, or this person's house, I don't know. They used to sneak into this person's house, walk on the keys, and then when the stray cat saw that the piano was dead, notebooked itself, right next to the piano, and said, I too shall die with you. Yeah. I miss you, friend. I think that's beautiful. No more when I pluck the high E string on the guitar. Recently, my landlady stopped by to assess a problem I have with my washing machine. While making casual conversation, she mentioned that she's in massage school and is required to give free massages to family and friends for her certification. I desperately want a massage after shoveling snow from the recent storm. And because of recent work stress, but my partner thinks it's weird to get one, from our landlady. Brothers, is that weird? If not, how do I go about asking her if she's willing to give me a massage? That's from Stressed in Silver Spring. God, I feel you. Update. Yeah. Update. All the hardware stores in DC are sold out of everything anyone could ever conceivably use to combat snow. So I was not able to acquire a pickaxe. Instead, my attention was drawn by the employees at the hardware stores to just get a big claw hammer and you can smash the ice. So that's, that's me in my front yard for like 45 minutes yesterday, smashing ice up apart with the backside of a claw hammer on my hands and knees. You feel good? Like a real doofus. It doesn't look cool. It doesn't feel cool. It feels bad on the body. So I sympathize very much with you, friend in Silver Spring. That said, I don't know if you can ask your, I don't know if you can ask your landlord for a massage. I think you missed the window for it to be casual. Yes. Yeah. If the moment when like, I've been thinking about it. If the moment the landlady had said like, I got to give massages, you know, to practice and you said, oh, I'd love that, man. I've been set. Right then, natural. Right then is fine. Part of it, it's great. If later you're like, sign me up. Yeah. I don't want to. But, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but how the fuck are you going to do that kind of calculation on the fly? I can't do that kind of fucking mental math. Oh, you'd have to be a fundamentalist. I have a beautiful mind. I can't like, you'd have to be this guy. Do all the different fractals. Yeah. I can't do that. You just got to hone your brain, Justin. Hone your brain. Hone your brain. Just hone your brain. Hone your brain and ditch your shame, bro. I just, the answer is to speak before you think. That's what I do. And it works out great. Yeah, but no. I mean, we have equal numbers of questions being like, brothers, why did I say this? What the fuck is wrong with me? Why did I run my big stupid ass mouth? It's not great, but occasionally I get free massages. I don't know what to tell you. Travis has had a lot more massages than I have. Thank you. That's, yeah. I mean, empirical. He's figured it out. I feel like, I don't want to do anything to push any kind of stigma on massage therapists and their craft, body work. I think it's all wonderful. My hang up is that it's your landlord. And to me, that is a orange juice and pizza kind of combination. I feel like it introduces a social dynamic that I don't think anyone, that's really capable of unpacking and processing. There's a deeper level here that, is the reason I would say no, is I don't wanna be somebody's practice person for things like this. There's a reason they said friends and family, because those people are fine with it not being great right away. You gotta practice. - Yeah, but like, then pay for one. - If you need a massage, then pay for one. - Yeah, then pay for one. - If the landlord gets in there and you're like, this is nothing, or it's like, well, it's worse. - You think it could be worse? I guess it could be, right? I mean, if you can make it better, there's gotta be some bad rubbing to break it. - Yeah, right? - Right, I guess. - I'm gonna try twisting this. Ow. - Ow. - No, ow. - Okay, yes, no, no, no. - Is that a good ow or a bad ow? I don't know. - I don't know. - I'm gonna try bopping it. No, don't bop it. I'm gonna flick it. Don't flick it. What do I do? Rub it. That wasn't part of the game. - I think it's hard because your body sends you pain messages to tell you to punch, and if you tell it like, no, body, this is good for you, and you don't know, then your body may not trust you anymore. What if you're wrong and it's actually bad for your body? Your body will be so betrayed. - Was that the fucking five-point palm exploding heart technique? Don't do that on me back then. - Yeah. - Don't do that. Why'd you do that? My heart's a bit. - Oh. I got five steps, though. That's my loophole. - Would you carry me out to my car? - Carry me out to my car. - Put me in the trunk. - Yeah, you missed your window, sorry. - Sorry. - We can't help. We can't help with a lot of these. We can't help with this. We can't help with this one. - Yeah, and that's hard for us. Honestly, if you think that feels good, you're wrong. It's tough for us, too. - Nobody ever talks about how hard it is on us to not help you, to not do a good job, to know. - We'd love to be helpful. It's just not, it didn't come together this time. - But check this out, check this out. The reluctance that got you into this situation, also, I want you to recognize, serves you well in a lot of other situations. You're not jumping into the thick of it and just saying, you know, I'll take a, I'll take a massage, thank you, without thinking about it first. That behavior also, I think, is gonna, it'll pay off in the long run. - Pay off in the long run. - It's a lifestyle change. It's too late to enact now. - You took the L this time. You took the L. Don't change your lifestyle. - You'll get 'em next time. - Okay, or you won't, but it's about the long game. - It's a long, it's a marathon, not a sprint. Thank you so much for listening to our podcast. I wanna tell you about some new stuff in our merchandise store. If you head on over to McElroyMerch.com, we've got a, it's a good day for a fish to die hat. And there's a Miggy hoodie designed by Bryn Doherty. And 10% of all merch proceeds this month are gonna be donated to the Immigrant Law Center of Minnesota, which provides free immigration and legal representation to low-income immigrants and refugees in Minnesota and North Dakota. - Hey, we got some projects we're doing on YouTube. First of all-- - Dark, dark projects. - No, they're cool projects. But pretty much every Tuesday at noon, we play video games together. We just started playing RV There Yet, which is a real silly one. Had a lot of fun doing that one. The last Tuesday of every month, we're also doing McElroy Family Clubhouse. That old chestnut. And then also throughout the week, we're doing solo streams of us playing games. Justin's been playing the Steven Spielberg movie director game on the, what system is that even? - Steven Spielberg's film director game. - Yes. - The game. - Steven Spielberg's movie genius. - Travis does ADHD Detective, plays mystery games. I do Trial by Fieri, doing a one-hit randomizer of Majora's Mask on Fridays. So just go follow McElroy Entertainment System on Instagram and you'll be updated any time we do any of our gaming content. - We also have, over at championsgrove.com, we got three packages left. That's coming up in May. Come hang out at a castle in Hawking Hills, Ohio. Play games with cool people, talented guests like Christina Ariel. Hailey Whipjack and a bunch of other folks. Check it out at championsgrove.com. We'll see you there. - Hey, it's almost one month to the day also until my choose-your-own-adventure book, The Stowaway, comes out. - Whoa. - You can pre-order it now and in fact, I would hugely appreciate it if you would take a moment to do it. It's 10 bucks, 10 buck paperback. - Come on. - And it's a fun story and it's age-appropriate for younger readers, which is not something, not usually a color we paint with. It's not on our palette often. - Is it my turn to throw something? - Bit.ly/griffinstowaways. You can go and pre-order that. It comes out March 10th. - I was gonna try to throw this plastic thing because it's the SD card holder. I thought maybe, it's got little hooks on it. - Was that your crystal gem? - Yeah, that's my crystal gem. I thought maybe if I threw it at the acoustic foam, it might like stick to it. - It's not gonna make it get in my alley. - Oh, that would be sick. - The sound won't really hum it. - Stand up. Don't throw. Can we promise each other to never throw sitting down? Hum that shit. - My name's Justin McElroy. It didn't stick. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - I'm Travis McElroy. - I'm Griffin McElroy. - This has been My Brother, My Brother and Me. Kiss your dad, square on the lips. ♪ It's better with you ♪ ♪ My life ♪ ♪ It's better ♪ ♪ It's better with you ♪ ♪ It's better with you ♪ ♪ My life ♪ ♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh ♪ ♪ It's better ♪ ♪ It's better with you ♪ ♪ Is it true ♪ ♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh ♪ ♪ It's better ♪ ♪ It's better with two ♪ ♪ My life ♪ ♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh ♪ ♪ It's better with you ♪ - Maximum Fun. - A worker-owned network - Of artist-owned shows. - Supported directly by you. you.