MBMBaM 798: Round and Swallowable

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mention only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? One, two, three, four! It's the start of something beautiful. A small acquaintance has blossomed, it's ripened into a precious friendship. I could have never seen what was coming for me. Hangs at the skate park, hangs by the beach. My life, it feels like. My life, ah, it's better, it's better with you. My life, ah, it's better. It's better with you. This is true, ah, it's better, it's better with two. My life, ah, it's better with you. Hello! Hello! And welcome to My Brother, My Brother and Me, an advice show for the modern era. I'm your oldest brother, Justin McElroy. Travis, do the most sort of genial welcoming, like welcome to my cabin style. Oh, didn't see you come in there. Ah, come in. Have a seat, traveler. Sit, by the fire, warm yourself. What's up, TravNation? Hey, hey, hey, time out, time out. It is I. Time out, time out. Stop, stop, time out on this, this wasn't my. Travelers, did you ever think about that? Like, TravNation is good, but like. It sounds like. Travelers. That's what our. When you said travelers, I felt the capital Trav in my head. I heard the capital. Yeah, when we send them out into the world, our dignitaries, our ambassadors, ambassadors, that's what I was looking for, they're travelers. Anyways, what's up, TravNation? I gotta finish, I gotta say the whole thing. It's me, your most brother, Travis, BigDogWolf, Vroom, Vroom, the Rocket McElroy. Thank you. Welcome, travelers, to my head. Super-pandine cauldrons, bubbling engines, and feast upon my fatted goose, I'm Griffin McElroy. That was my take on. That's a trick. What you've set up is a trap. Why is it a. Hold on, no, no, no, let's get to the bottom of what. What Travis just said, because I'm worried that there's a little bit of hate behind it. Why do you think that's a trap, Travis? I'm just saying that if I. You said a cave, I believe? Anyone with a. I didn't say cave. No, I didn't say cave, but your mind filled in cave, because you heard unchance, and you heard fatted goose, and you thought, this must be some sort of nasty witch or warlock. And I think that sucks, dude. No. I've noticed over our decades of creating the highest quality digital entertainment, that if there is one character archetype. That really gets the three of us, gets our rocks hard, it's being able to do a nasty merchant. We love that. Yeah. We love a globular, lots of pus in the throat. Sick. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Welcome, traveler. You've got a lot of wonderful goods. I hear your bag jingling with gold. Many, many beautiful coins to race my poem. I think the new Resident Evil game, they should get rid of the zombies entirely. Or the movie. Okay. The movie that's coming out that's going to beat absolute ass, Zack Kregger's Resident Evil, don't mind if I do. They're letting them do a good one. Get rid of zombies. Now, the Umbrella Corporation has invented the M-Virus, and it turns you into the nasty merchant from Resident Evil 4. So it's just you, and it's a bunch of dudes coming at you with fucking deals on nine millimeter ammunition, and. Occasionally, you run into the Duke from Resident Evil Village, and he's like, I don't know about those guys. I don't know those dudes. Those guys, I'm not with them. They're not with me. I'm not with them. If the Duke at any point had been like, Justin, do you want to go? Do you want to get out of here? Let's go. It kind of sucks here, I've noticed. This sucks, sucks here, dude. Look at these guys. Look behind you. There's another guy. He's going to kill you. Let's get out of here. There's like a werewolf man. There's some kind of hairy giant who's angry. I've seen a few of these, and Jean-Claude Van Damme's going to show up at the end. And his arm's going to be a tentacle, and he's going to kill you on top of a volcano. So we should just fucking beat cheeks, dude. I can buy you a new baby. I don't want to tell you my source or nothing, but I know where to get a baby. Yeah. For sure. You keep coming back and buying green herbs. Just go. Just go. Let's just go. Get out of here. You want some better green herb? Wink, wink. Talk about, you a green herb. Guys, I want to congratulate us. I got the Criterion Inception in here. Let's go. How has nobody ever made a joke? About how in Resident Evil, the green herb you heal yourself with is like a weed joke. It's crazy. Nobody's ever thought about it. I feel like I need to get on T-Fury right now. Just start trademarking stuff. You know what I mean? Like the podcast. We don't trademark enough of our jokes. Like we trademark our great ideas. I hold many trademarks and patents, but we never do jokes. Like the one where in Resident Evil, it's like you heal yourself with a marijuana leaf, a marijuana plant. That's ours. Yeah, man. I was thinking about how. This show, we started in 2010, and so this will be our 16th year of excellence. I was thinking about, and this may be something we'd have to source with our listeners, but there's got to be some more superlatives that we could attach to ourselves at this point, right? Like My Brother, My Brother and Me, the podcast, has to at least be the longest running podcast hosted by brothers. Like is it at least that? Is it like the most that a brother podcast has gone? I do think. I just feel like at our age, we should be able to like spin the numbers into a superlative that would like be impressive, more impressive than what we have now. Most nominated for iHeartRadio Best Ad Reads without winning. I mean, fuck that, man. Like as long as we've been around, I'm pretty sure we've been nominated for Best Ad Reads for the iHeartRadio Podcast Awards every single year. So if you strip away all of that sort of like specificity, we might be. The most nominated podcast from the iHeartRadio Podcast Awards, or is it iHeartMedia now? They've changed it a couple of times. Yeah, iHeartPodcast. I didn't realize they gave a Golden Globe for Best Podcast until like today. Oh, we don't. We weren't even nominated. We didn't. I didn't. That didn't cross my desk, unfortunately. Yeah. We didn't. Maybe next year. Maybe Golden. But I didn't see who won, but congratulations to Dax Shepard, I'm sure. Dax has got a big. No. I think they should just do a Best Ad Reads category at the Golden Globes. We wouldn't win that one either, but. We might get nominated. No, but it would be great to be a Golden Globe nominated pod. Yeah. Yeah. But just to hear Mahershala Ali say, my brother, my brother, me out loud would be worth it just to get the nomination. You could probably cut clips together of Mahershala Ali's work in the past to make it sound like he said the name of the podcast. My brother. My brother. And me. And me. I almost asked you about this before the show, but then I realized. It would be better to hear about it during the show, because I'm really curious. You did a sleep study. I did. How'd I go? Did you do a good job? Did you get some. No, I don't think I did. A plus? So, the thing was, Teresa asked me this morning. She was like, what was it like? Where did you go? Wait, how did Teresa see you? Were you not in a lab? This is the weirdest thing. My appointment was from 8 p.m. to 6 a.m. So, I got there at 8 p.m. At like 9.15, they were like, go to bed. We'll wake you up at 5.30. I was like. What is this? So, you gotta bet. I've never done this or seen it or know anything about it. I assumed it was sort of like a Bacta tank. Like you're in Dr. Light's special cyber pod or something like that. And they just got your stats up. The most surreal thing about the experience is that it was like almost. Like, if you know about liminal spaces, it had that feeling of like, this is almost a hotel room. This is almost a bed. This is almost a blanket. The pillows were like crinkly plastic, I guess, so they don't have to wear. So, it's like, yeah, this is what we think a pillow that you humans would use, right? Like, it had this feeling of like, this is almost. Like, those people are also going home at night and getting into bedrooms. Like, they don't know what a bed looks like. Like, you know this is it. Everyone is sleeping in these things. It doesn't have to be a special science one. The blanket was like the idea of a blanket, but it provided no comfort or warmth. Yeah. Yeah. So, I. At one point. What level of sleep paraphernalia were you allowed to bring in? Thank you for asking. I was not allowed to bring my own pillows. I was not allowed to bring my own blanket. I even brought a purple pillowcase so that I did not ruin one of their pillows. And they were like, no, you can't use that. Whoa. You have to use our pillowcases. What are they going to learn from me not sleeping all night long? Yeah. And just tossing and turning. I don't know. And thinking about dying. Like, what. How did your study go? If you remove one of Justin's totems, the whole thing. It absolutely collapses. It was wild. You're going to fail this test. I'm going to fail. I can't sleep without all my different sleep gems. I need them. It felt like. I was putting them together last night. Sid said, you're assembling your seven samurai. Yes. Yes. My seven sleepy samurai. We're getting all together. This felt like if I was taking the practical driver's exam. Yeah. And then right before the test started, they were like, oh, and by the way, we changed all the controls around. So, the buttons. The buttons don't do what you think they do. Yeah. Have fun. Because they, like, hook me up to all these things. There's, like. There's. There were some. things on my chin and my like temples right and a hose that went like with two prongs up my nose and it all connected in the back with one of those like uh sleeves like one might use for cable management at their desk and there were like things running down and they're like okay if one of these becomes disconnected in the night it'll show up like on our system and we'll come in and fix it great while i'm asleep yeah they must be very sneaky and so i lay down and suddenly i'm super aware of my uh matrix like tethers holding me to this bed and that's suddenly all i can think about is like how do i not knock these off how do i do this as a result of the study did they figure out why you dream about kissing santa claus every single night they did they actually said that's normal they said it's weird if you don't dream about kissing santa claus every night do they do they film my understanding is they film the dreams that you're having on a big screen if they watch inside the lab is that that is correct and they come out as orbs and some of the orbs are red and you when you wait wait wait wait wait wait wait what come out as the dream movies that they record during the when they have you you haven't had a sleep study justin so it's not a monitor it starts on a monitor and if it's a good one they hit record and they actually harvest the dream yeah in a sphere and you do not have to sign a special release before they're allowed to watch the red orbs yeah joseph gordon levitt is there and he says hit record and you hit record yeah and then joseph gordon lives exclusively inside my red orbs he's uh he's in there and he's stepping he's stepping well he did inception and he was like i think i figured out this dream stuff yeah and he set this all up it was incredible and when the night was done and they woke me up at 5 30 in the goddamn morning like a normal person wakes up they said we're gonna need you to come back tomorrow because you woke up in the middle of a really great dream and we need to see how it ends cool so i gotta go back tonight so they could finish the dream yeah they kicked me out uh i with paste on my face and in my hair and they were like don't run your hand through your hair your face or whatever go home and take a shower and i was like okay so i got home hold on wait why was the the sleep gel they applied to you bad for you to touch with your hand but okay for you to touch with your delicate face skin no i think mostly they didn't want me to get all goopy on my hand because i had to drive home did you drove yourself home yeah what do you think i was gonna do make my wife no i was just thinking about the like i bet that was a chilly little stroll home you know this morning pretty cold outside yeah it was like 12 degrees outside and it was like okay now go home after your alien examination one night stand where they kicked you out at 5 30 in the morning yeah and said like all right honestly i'm i'm surprised you i'd be tired if i was i'm so tired i mean that's travis's secret he's always tired i am they asked i had to do an intake for him and they asked were you sleepy at any point in the day when and i wrote yeah yeah from the moment i woke up till now did you try to sleep by the night before like the night before did you wake up early or something no but i wasn't and i love a nap i take a nap every day and i also wasn't allowed to have any caffeinated beverages within six hours of the appointment which is 8 p.m and i normally don't but the second i read that on the form i was like well that's all i want right now yeah i couldn't have red food coloring for 24 hours before my colonoscopy that's freaking all i could think about is slamming a fruit punch i see it's all i wanted the worst part was then i woke up right i didn't sleep i woke up every 90 minutes so wait this was all a dream none of this happens the ultimate experience what a waste of time trap thanks anyway let's do our first question i woke up every 90 minutes right i guess when my sleep cycle ended or whatever wake up oh i'm still here turnover right like five times and i woke up in the morning and i was like this listen i don't always sleep great that's why i'm here i don't think that was indicative yeah of a normal night's sleep for me yeah i know i did have that another chance that wasn't my best i could do this again let me take another run at it you guys come to my house this time i'll set up some comfy chairs next to the bed you just watch me this time maybe that you could come to their house yeah you know what i mean like you if it has to be all sciencey and stuff go to the scientist house let me see how you sleep if you're so good at it that's only fair i want to give just yeah right i'm gonna give justin a huge special thanks for christmas he got henry the nintendo alarmo uh which is which is mario's oh wait is this a sarcastic one or real i mean it's very cool he loves it a whole lot so i mean kudos for that i will say great he sets it at 6 30 in the morning and he often wakes up before that um and so when he does that he's not there to press the button on top of mario's alarm clock to make the sound stop coming out of it and the sound that he does have coming out of it is the um the music that plays in breath of the wild when a guardian spots you and starts targeting you with its laser blast that boom that'll get you going yeah it'll get you going when you hear it down the hallway at 6 35 in the morning because your son is uh in dereliction danger your son's in danger i'm asleep and i hear when you press it it does make the bomb noise though and that's pretty cool um i mean so that i do like that got you going probably i bet though right like that definitely worked maybe don't want to get going sometimes i want to celebrate the extra 20 to 25 minutes of sleep that i get past them but not when the guardian strikes that's only in the morning you're supposed to be up making breakfast or something yeah come on man this is a this is an advice show and i'd love to ask you guys a question for my listeners and get your take i work at a pizza eatery that's okay i work at what did you what did you have wrong with that it's just i don't i don't like no one's ever said that because that sounds like a place where people pay to watch you eat pizza okay it just felt weird i work at a pizza place i don't know a pizza place but they knew they knew if we said that then we would make a joke about the two guys and a girl on pizza place well they cut the pizza are people running that level of speculation like every word choice we've been doing this for 16 years people know our fucking people know how to talk to us they know the right and wrong way to talk to us at this point by season two of that show they'd remove pizza place from the title it's just called two guys and a girl and see they knew that we would say that because we've said that a hundred thousand times and so like they were just trying to be thoughtful i work at a pizza place which due to the rate at which we go through pizzas often ends up accumulating a bunch of old stale pizza in the back throughout the day i'm usually the one who has to carry them all to the dumpster but it's not uncommon for passerby to ask me since i'm just thrown away could they get a slice or two not only is the sight of me hoisting these pies getting their hopes up but i have to be the one to let them down easy what's the best way that i can let any prying eyes know that despite pristine packaging the pizza inside is actually gray and gross that's from pizza caesar in byron center thank you that your name does help to answer this question yes yes thank you that yes that changes some of my recommendations if you have them ready and hot okay these are no longer you have to after hot they are no longer ready and i don't want know what comes after ready yeah you know but it's not edible it's not eddie yeah those two are not mutually exclusive or they are mutually if they're not hot they're not ready and if they're not ready they're not hot you know what i mean you couldn't be like here's a hot pizza it's not ready i wonder i wonder if there's a way to how like when you have bananas in the home and they get too old they start to turn brown and you think no worries friends you will become soldiers in the fight for banana bread thank you so much and sometimes you'll buy bananas and just let them get nasty because you want that banana bread so bad there's got to be a way to repurpose old hot and readies to like how zone yeah it's folded over a seal of goodness inside i don't think i don't know that that's gonna get it back in the food safe zone i was more thinking like you dehydrate it grind it down turned it in to some sort of powder that then you mix in with a with some sort of dough and you make another pizza i will say griffin if it was if you could grind it down in capsule form yeah i think that would actually save me a ton of time on pizza consuming because i live a really busy life yeah you know i can't i'm always grinding and i don't have time to sit down and slop a slice all the time so if i had maybe like two or three caps two to three oh just don't have three that's your whole day man you're gonna be so sluggish and tired after three pizza capsules yeah yeah just three capsules if i could have that and it would give me all the nutrient energy of pizza well it wouldn't be hot at that point it'd be round and red well round and ready that's us baby it'll be round and swallowable round swallowable ready pop it in papa john let's roll yeah i just need a papa john real quick papa john don't have the pizza pill time to make the pizza pill papa john's too busy reacting to other companies advertisements for their food on tiktok and instagram the absolute mad lad just fucking 15 second videos of him looking at the new double down at kfc like these guys are crazy thanks papa thanks for weighing in papa papa he's yes 11 thank you for weighing in he's not papa john anymore i'm i'm insistent on this if the restaurant is still called papa john's after he left in disgrace he can mr shatner after that he's he's it's mr shatner he's no longer hot he's no longer ready he's william he was never either of those he was neither hot nor ready he's not hot he's not ready he's just mr shatner i can't stop thinking about the new internet craze where people are worried about like they're mostly let's be honest their young sons becoming pizza pills yes um yeah i just keep thinking that maybe somehow we have started that just now we gotta reach that generation yeah oh that's probably it why aren't they refrigerating the pizzas they're not hot they're not hot at that point i do think if you interrupt the hotness and the readiness process at any point you can't like start it back up again i'm just saying does little caesars say after we don't know it's little caesars let's be careful here it's definitely definitely little caesars but like let's be let's let's be careful if it's no longer it's been hot and ready all right it's been hot and ready for let's say two hours okay it comes out of the hot and ready stabilizer so now it's sitting at that point you could say we're not selling this to our customers but it's still between you and me and the little caesar yeah it's pretty pretty delicious still why not take it out at that point and just wander up and down the alley yeah open box because little caesar doesn't want you to the rule has to be take it out of the warmer sit it on the counter watch it die and then take it out because like otherwise margins you know yeah they're losing yeah i mean food waste is obviously an enormous problem i do think that there's a way that we can make this perhaps a community responsibility where when one of these people die they're not going to be able to buy these gray old pizzas dies you take it outside and you have a little pile the pile is outside of the store and then that way the foot traffic that walks by they're going to see all of these wasted hot and readies uh no longer hot no longer ready and say god damn it it's our fault that it got this bad they do not make these things to order they have them ready to shoot at us from a pizza cannon they need us in and out the door within 55 seconds that is their mission statement and it is that's why the stack is getting so gosh darn big let's have a hot and ready tonight well but then you would need an agreement from whoever this may be that when they've sold all the hot and readies they don't make more or else it's going to be a cyclical issue no that's well you know they make 40 they sell 40 they're like oh tomorrow we should make 50 yeah um do you want to be the hero of your town yeah no i'm talking to the oh the question is do you want to be a hero of your town uh everybody hates rats right they're grossed out of it i don't want to be a hero of your town there's a cure disease i hate them a lot i think they're scary right everybody hates rats but the problem is rats are in everybody's houses they're in the sewers they're right what if any rats i don't have any i don't have rats in my house dude i live in our nation's capital i don't have any rats in my house thank you yeah i have cherry blossom trees in my house you might have one rat in the white house yeah just one just one it's so weird justin likes a lot of the people i am talking about the big cheese but like steve miller fucking steve miller do you guys think steve miller from steve miller brand every every year is about steven miller is like this guy's harsh in my whole fucking thing hey this is steve miller from the steve miller band you're harming the steve miller brand the rats aren't gonna go anywhere else if there's a huge pile of dirty old outside right if there's a huge mountain of dirty old pizza the rats will just live there yeah there's no more rat problem you fixed your town's rat a huge rat problem because there's a huge pile of old pizza and the rats live there and they're the kings they're the happiest rats they don't bother anybody until the day when you settle out of the hot and readies then you got to throw out some normal trash and there's a thousand rats in the alley like what the fuck holy shit you described something so terrifying i want to take back my imaginary idea i thought we had a sweet thing going here bud i thought we had a situation and then you come out we're gonna have to come in there and ratatouille some pizzas steve miller bands had like a dozen rhythm guitarists but not at the same time right no i mean he's just going through those things like fucking tissue paper they added into the rock and roll hall of fame recently but just him as a solo artist not his whole band and people were upset about it but it's like he had a dozen fucking guitarists what do you want him to do yeah i want people to play this clip after they say no actually the macaroons haven't lost a step as they've aged it's just as relevant i can't stop thinking about if steve miller from steve miller band was thinking about now that he's really grown up he was gonna make a switch and be serious steven miller and then like that brand has been absolutely co-opted from him anyway that's neither here nor there i'd love another question if that's where the blend is taking us i was on the phone with a friend when my cat did a backflip right in front of me as you can imagine this is quite exciting sure when i interrupted my friend to tell him about what had just occurred he rightfully expressed doubt how could i get my cat to do another sick flip this time in front of a second witness when i'm ready to record the trick that's from monty the cat man sort of setting up the brand i like that you're visualized you're you're getting it out yeah into the universe already monty the cat man in hastings michigan i do miss this about cecil our old cat uh who who ran away when we were still in austin he was a he he was an absolute just built like a brick shit house absolutely jacked cat and he would do shit like if a bug got in the house forget about it he was going to be doing stunts and parkour and flips all over the place when you did not expect it and it was scary it's like living with a jungle panther i do i i believe you can we say that to this person oh yeah i believe you i believe you yeah uh justin sounds like maybe you don't believe that their cat did a flip no i do i just i'm thinking about a good flip this cat is going to be such a hero to other cats yeah this is like the greatest cat troll one of the great cat trolls i've ever heard he's probably gonna tell his friends like no no no no no no no i'm on some next level yeah i'm on some next level shit i do i did a backflip once yeah ever ever never again you know how we always land on our feet it was super hard because i did not know what i was doing i did not have any i don't even think i could do it again no way i couldn't couldn't do it again i couldn't do it again i did it one time i was like so scared i was so freaked out yeah i was just moved by the spirit maybe your cat was so fucking scared doing a backflip they were like jesus christ what happened why did i go upside down that was all the way upside down i mean i i keep thinking about my sort of situation i think if you let a dragonfly loose in the house your cat's gonna do a backflip let like 10 to 12 dragon flies loose in the house that's a good idea can you say that again let 10 to 12 dragonflies loose in the house and in trying to get them to do a backflip you're gonna have to do a backflip the dragonflies i don't know how justin you've gotten really good at like looking at the camera whenever you're talking to the audience so this is new because we're like got different setups and stuff i don't it feels weird for me to do it because i feel like i can see their little faces in my i don't want to do it i i think that it makes me too relatable in a way that i don't i'm not looking i want to be above everyone do you mean that i'm making make eye contact with the camera right now yeah that's and you're looking i look at me okay you're looking at me where am i on the screen look at look at me on the screen now i'm not justin has set up a monitor in front of him griffin no i know but i still hi let 10 to 12 dragonflies loose in the home and the cat will do a flip trying to get them i guarantee it i don't think that's a high enough concentration of dragonflies i think for a home like if you want to do it in like one room and you want to put towels at the doors you could maybe trap 10 to 12 dragonflies in one room but if you let 10 to 12 dragonflies in your house that's an annoying i think you have to bring one to 150 dragonflies sorry one to 150 dragonflies 100 to 150 dragonflies not one to 100 yes into the house at once okay do you have because like you could okay you release okay you release 10 yeah the cat eliminates the 10 when you're not looking that sucks 150 dragonflies they're going to be busy yeah for a while okay first step you got to put a gopro on the cat put a gopro on the cat you'll catch the flip at least from their perspective yeah right yeah i would say you start with 10 dragonflies add more that's it over time yeah because it's going to be you need a if the cat if this ends up being a bad idea now all of a sudden you have 100 to 150 dragonflies flying around your house because cat can't get them too fast or they congregate in some weird place they just stick to the ceiling where the cat can't go like now your cat does a bat flip on the first dragonfly they see yeah you catch it and you're like oh yeah okay now there's just 99 to 149 other yeah dragonflies in my house well i think once the first dragonfly gets got the other 149 are gonna find their way out because they don't want to get or they're going to turn on the cat yeah pick them up take them away yeah you didn't even think about that did you justin we've chosen a bad animal for this um looking at some of the data on dragonflies they can reproduce with hundreds of eggs in over days or weeks but they can live for years wow so yeah what so yeah so i don't know if it's a good idea yeah what we said i do think though that they love water so that is going to be something you could maybe get maybe they would go for if you need to get rid of them at some point if the cat's not like help how do we do robot dragonflies that's cool no yeah if i step little drones if if dragonflies live for years and they reproduce hundreds and thousands of times how come when i go outside of my front door i don't immediately breathe in 13 to 14 dragonflies they're not because cecil's cecil's still out - He's hot there on the mall, keeping us safe. - He's looking out for you, dude. - Damn, dude, I love that. - They followed you. - Beautiful. - Homeward bound. - Homeward bound, except at the end, they didn't roll up to their folks. But instead became sort of their silent guardians. - We're still fighting mountain lions or something. It's been a while since I've seen the show, but I think that there's a mountain lion fight. - Next time I get a cat, I'm gonna make sure it is an extremely distinctive cat. I'm gonna get a Clifford the Huge Blue Cat situation so that then if the cat gets lost, every single person in the city isn't like, I've found a gray cat. Thanks, dude. I'm sure that's the one. Gray cat with stripes? Yeah, I've seen one of those. Awesome. I need a big blue cat so they know. - Clawford. - Clawford. - Hey, let's take a quick break, okay? And we'll go to the money zone. And then we'll come back and do eight to nine more jokes. How's that sound? Maybe 20 jokes. - We're being so specific with our numbers. - Yeah, we'll do between one and 150 more jokes. you know what my cat does backflips for is it smalls trough it is smalls cat food justin i got a pretty kitty i love it too i got a pretty kitty she's not graceful in any way um she's uh a big thudding uh she's actually not big she's little she plods around the house though very loudly she's not nearly as sneaky as she thinks she is and she often misjudges jumps but she's great and i love her very much and so i feed her smalls cat food does she have any favorite flavors my cats all of it amelia are crazy about smooth bird they're that's one of their favorites they also like smooth other bird because they like to take a walk in the wild yeah i like to mix it up we all do it i like to eat bird and other bird too in my real life so why not my cats you know what i mean here's a a bit of data for you after switching to smalls 88 percent of cat owners reported overall health improvements it's really impressive i'll say definitely i've seen that in our cats since we switched them off of dry food um they're they're doing really really well make 2026 your cat's healthiest year yet take advantage of their new year special and get 60 off your first order plus free shipping when you head to smalls.com my brother one last time that's 60 off your first order plus free shipping when you head to smalls.com my brother justin you know how all of griffin's home decor is absolute dog shit yeah trav i uh that is something that i care deeply about i love decor i know that you feel really strongly about that and i do too and you know uh wayfair is a great way to make your home look better wouldn't you agree griffin wouldn't you say that's important this is wayfair i got this big ass shelf this low shelf from wayfair just like a week ago it's great changing out changing out some of the old stuff in your house yeah that's some of your bad stuff you know that's what i did why are you talking to me like that maybe just updating well you were in the bathroom when you just got back so we just wanted to bring you back into the conversation oh okay furnishings i forgot and they're about you know i forgot we were even doing a show i just like this is how i talk to people when i talk about wayfair it's good i go like this is that this is them that's them a no joke probably about uh three quarters of my office decor is well now i feel bad griffin because i started this when you were in the room and i said justin do you know how all this stuff in griffin's house is dog shit house is dog and i was going to talk about how you need a new stuff the rest of the house is dog shit wayfair okay i have done this office up in wayfair and it is the crowning achievement of my i go to wayfair when i want to buy something nice for my house when i want to buy something decent that i know is going to fall apart right away you know what i mean yeah good good stuff big selection nice quality items oh and storage forget about it i'm wild about storage over here you know me justin storage mcroy yeah that's what they call those are over i won yeah justin yep you did yep um i really i had a hard time finding i needed very specific specifications for a low shelf to fit in the background of my shot here and i searched and they were like here's 40 exactly the size you need damn wayfair you got me you got my back thank you get organized refreshed and back on track this year for way less head to wayfair.com right now to shop all things home that's w-a-y-f-a-i-r.com wayfair every style every home everyone you added that yeah i did that's not part of it they don't want everyone every day my furniture by a couch now every day left to right couch up and down couch that's cool what come on my credenza did you say lick my credenza i was gonna say look at my credenza and i realized the meter wasn't right so it's just come and look my credenza that's dave matthews after something terrible happened to his credenza sorry somebody broke into the house something terrible happened to the credenza dave matthews has just seen it and he's like i'm not gonna look at my credenza i'm not gonna look at it oh my god the credenza there we go thank you i want a munch i want too much it's a podcast brand eating and today i want to start out with a history lesson the quesadilla is a mexican dish and it's made from a tortilla yeah or two tortillas yeah squished together and then they are uh cooked on a griddle or a stove what part of this is history this is the this is what it this is what a quesadilla has been that's not history though it is the history so sometimes sometimes it's heated in a comal which can be made of cast iron or clay and it has a long history uh where it's different it has different versions that are celebrated throughout for example other variations include using wheat flour tortillas especially in northern mexico they they use a chihuahua cheese or also known as queso meninita a local cheese made by meninites now here's an interesting fact for you about the quesadilla in mexico city it is not assumed that the quesadilla is going to include cheese so it's not assumed that the quesadilla is going to include cheese even though that seems implied by the name no one quite knows about how this sort of like cultural hiccup happened or when this happened but it is not that way through the rest of mexico but for some reason mexico city this dish has a long and storied history uh the quesadilla is uh an important part of the textural fabric of both mexico and the southwest united states cool so my question is this if that's the quesadilla what the fuck is this what have you done zaxby's what the fuck is this back up zaxby's take a beat and try again zaxby's think about yourself college student looking shit zaxby's that's too thick friend you know they brought back southern fried shrimp and what they describe as giant quesadillas and i don't know it's it's as though it's as though the stuffing of the quesadilla had an ill-fitting blanket it's like it's taking a sleep study yeah it's trying to wrap the quesadilla around itself but it's too monumentally loaded with cheese and chicken yeah zaxby's the motto the motto is new year same saucy cravings the brand famous for taking the zax flavors fans love and delivering them in new and innovative formats is bringing back two of its most iconic creations southern fried shrimp and giant quesadillas zaxby's brought its beloved breading to the seas with the creation of southern fried shrimp and delivered a saucy twist to a mexican staple so they know about they know what they did they know about it with giant quesadillas and they do have the giant here in all caps because these motherfuckers can you explain kind of the to your best ability the sort of genetic construction of these so like okay you know chicken nuggets and the size and heft of a chicken nugget right imagine you assembled 20 chicken nuggets in sort of a loose manhole shape right yeah and then attempted haphazardly to make a chicken nugget and at the at the bidding of your overlords to try to cover them yeah in tortilla right but there's not enough tortilla and your bosses know it it's just trying so hard this looks like the equivalent of like one last christmas present to wrap and you just got to the end of the roll and you don't have another roll and you're trying different ways of taping and folding to make this sliver of paper cover the thing it also so much filling in here that the quesadilla that the tortilla is almost not visible i i want to know what's in that filling but um the they've attempted to sort of caulk the gaps between the chicken nuggets they've they've played a they've applied a rudimentary sort of mortar here yeah sort of stinky resin of what looks like cheese and maybe is that bacon in there as well and sour cream we'll find out damn we'll find out what a stack what a stack this is both menu innovations are back for a limited time only beginning january 19th so the guests can get a little bit of a taste of what's in there if you can't get a taste of what's in there if you can't get a taste of what's in there if you can't get a taste of what's in there but if you can't get a taste of what's in there but if you can't get a taste of what's in there but if you can't get a taste implying that I should order both of these, right? This is not a, right? We're not saying that this is a combo we wanna enjoy. - Can I also say, I am not a graphics expert. I'm not an art expert, but I do know how shadows work. - Yeah. - And I'm looking at this image. - Yeah. - And somebody had a lot of fun. - Someone had fun with the shadows, yeah. It almost looks like the giant quesadilla is a vampire or perhaps translucent. - Actually, that's great. The Zack sauce casts a very long shadow. The quesadilla casts no shadow. - That's awesome. That looks cool, actually. - That's so wild. - And the box, there appears to be a shadow cast from things that aren't there. - That's amazing, that's amazing. Hey, you don't become the saucy. Zaxby's is one of the few chains that's still taking swings and I thank them for that 'cause it makes this segment worth living. You don't become the saucy chicken chain by doing what's expected. You do it by cooking up mouthwatering creations that put a new twist on classic flavors. Call it a three-peat. Zaxby's is heading back to the Zax-seas with the return of its southern fried shrimp, making waves on the menus for a third year in a row. This time, Zaxby's is shrimping in three different ways, so there's something for every seafood lover. - You can't make-- - Excuse me, they like the shrimp at Zaxby's. - You can't make the bold claim of you can't become the saucy king, whatever, by doing what's expected. So for the third year in a row-- - Third year running, right? We're going back to the Zax-seas. - Alongside the maritime favorite, sure. Zaxby's giant quesadilla-- - They eat them on the ships, Justin. They love the shrimp. - We would eat the albatross and when we ran out of albatross, we'd eat the men and when we ran out of men, we'd eat the giant quesadillas. - And we were cursed. With corn seeds to re-threw the giant quesadillas overboard. - They were cursed, I told 'em. Cursed, you can't have a woman aboard. You must have a cat. And you can't have a quesadilla. - They're making the return after the debut last year. Stacked and packed. Stacked and packed. - Just like me. - It sucks, man. Stacked and packed with three of Zaxby's headbread. It's stacked and packed on its skin. - I can't stand a Russian because it's hard to get. - And breaded chicken fingers with a Z. Fuck off. The brand is offering two different ways to go big, literally, with these hunger-busting off-- - Yeah, that's a way to put it, I'm sure. - Come on, you nasty dog. - With these toilet-shattering pillows of food. - Can I just have a regular lunch and not leave? - No. - Like, really? - Eat our chicken, gut busters. - Get sicker, cook. - Yeah. - Punish yourself, you know why. - What's in these fucking-- - Rupture your-- - I gotta know what's in these things. - Rupture your flesh, prison. - Hey, listen, here's the deal. - It's time to ascend. - The chicken-- - Ascend with Zaxby's. - The tortillas have gotta be big to hold in all this sinning. - A giant quesadilla packed with three hand-breaded chicken fingers for fuck's sake. - They're big, with a Z. - But it is, it's a giant quesadilla packed with three hand-breaded chicken fingers, cheddar jack cheese, hardwood smoked bacon, and creamy ranch dressing, all folded into a warm flour tortilla, served with, against reason and logic, a side of ranch. - No, I was afraid that would be the case, Justin. I saw the sauce. I thought, no, certainly not. - And, pleasantly, a small drink. Now, I'm assuming that the small drink is just included. - It wasn't in the deal. Like, I don't, please. - It's mixed in the fucking tortilla. - It's not a combo, just take it. - It wasn't originally, but it was a liability issue. You need a friend to help it go down. - Choking hazard. - At what point does it go from quesadilla to, like, taco? - Oh, well, I think it's-- - It's a wrap. - A quesadilla means close. - Doesn't the dia imply, like, a diminutive? Isn't that a small-- - I don't think so. - I don't think so, but maybe, no, it's ito is what I'm thinking of. Anyway, we're kicking off a new year with bowl flavor and fan favorites, says Patrick Schwing, chief marketing and strategy officer at Zaxby's. "Our guests have told us loud and clear," said Patrick Schwing, "Southern fried shrimp "and our giant chicken quesadillas "are two menu items they crave." - Dia does mean diminutive, Justin. I apologize for correcting you, Justin. Dia does mean diminutive, and I stepped up from my six years of Spanish education, and I thought, I'm gonna make my brother seem small right now, and I was wrong, and now I'm the small one. I don't apologize. - Griffin, if you, like me, had remained in college a fifth year to take your fourth Spanish class again because you failed it the first time, maybe you would recall a little bit better. Yeah, that memory, you gotta do repetition. That's the thing. If you take Spanish four twice the second time, we are bringing them both back to give them exactly what they want, our famous fingers and sauces and new meals that they can own. - I'm gonna get at Zaxby's. Whether you're diving back into the Zax-C's or doubling down on bold, cheesy, I'm gonna get a tattoo that says Zax-C's, guys. That's all I can think about. Zaxby's is making sure fans start the year right. Now, what they mean by right there is anybody's guess, 'cause it's not in the light of the Lord, so I don't know what right they're referring to. - I don't know who wakes up January 1st and says, "You know what I'm gonna do this year? I'm gonna eat more." - I gotta get it together this year. - You know what? I've made a promise to myself and to you, Debra. I know where I fell short last year as a husband and a father and a person. I will eat more Zaxby's. - You're right, buddy. I'm gonna swim the Zax-C's. - I'm gonna get fingered at Zaxby's like I always wanted to dream. - Yeah, man, that's cool. - It's on my bucket list, and you know what? I'm 75 years old. I'm not getting any younger. - Hey, Zaxby's. - I'm gonna, yeah. - Zaxby's Super Bowl's coming up, and these big boys are throwing heaters today, so you can use one of these, please. Just put us at the end of the corner. - Get fingered at Zaxby's. - Get fingered at Powerful. - Yeah. - I have a mini fridge in my garage that stopped working years ago, and I finally took it to the curb this morning. Don't you love shit like that? - Yes. - We realize, like, hey, why are we keeping this, man? Let's get rid of this. I placed a bag of trash on top of it to clearly communicate this is trash. As I was backing out of my driveway, I was waiting for an opening, to reverse into the street, and someone pulled up to my neighbor's driveway, walked directly in front of my car, removed the trash bag from the fridge, and took the fridge. He is now loading the fridge in his car. Am I obligated to roll down my window and let this person know the fridge is not functional? Please hurry, his hatchback is open, and he is clearing space to make room. That's from Hesitant in Houston. I don't know at which point we and the listeners agreed that it is assumed we are answering these questions in real time, but it is, it's always a great concern. - Hey, wait, wait, just one second. - Yes, we will answer this quickly. - Just wait. - Don't finish loading it yet. I'm waiting, I'm waiting, hold on. - Wait, I'm waiting for a podcast to be released. - Are you doing anything before next Monday? - Sorry, I don't have a executive subscription, so I gotta wait till Monday for it to release. - First of all, you don't know what they're gonna be doing with it. Could be, maybe they need a broken, maybe it's a prop for a stage play. Maybe it is, they need the refrigerator parts 'cause they're trying to build their own Wally. Maybe they need a box that doesn't get hot or cold that they can keep food in, just a normal box. - Maybe they want to trap Punky Brewster's friend. - Maybe they are setting a Punky Brewster's friend trap and they need a box, a refrigerator box for it. There's so many reasons. - They're gonna blow it up, you know, for like a viral video. - Yes, they're gonna blow it up maybe. - Yeah, they're gonna blow it up. - And this may seem wild, but maybe they're gonna try to fix it. - You can't fix. - Tell me how you fix a refrigerator. - Yeah, you put the cold stuff back. - Fix an appliance? What are you talking about? - I'm just saying-- - Like with tape? - I don't go around picking up fridges because, I wouldn't know how to fix it if it wasn't working. - Yeah. - But my assumption when I picked it up off the street would not be, oh, perfect fridge, nice. - Yeah. - That's true. - Yeah, I think that if you leaned out your window and said, hey, just so you know, that doesn't work, the response is almost certainly going to be, yeah, no doy. - Yeah. - No shit, really? No shit? That's why it's free, huh? I thought this was just your little yard fridge. - You take that to the flea market, you slap a sticker on it, it says $5. Oops, that's profit. - Yeah. - Yeah. - Just 'cause that person could recognize it, you can't? - Yeah. - That's not their fault. - Or, or-- - You trade it up. Yeah, yeah, you trade it up. - How the fuck did you think that that is what I was going to say? - Why did you assume that is what you was trading up? - I was like, or, and you were like, ah, yes, Griffin, trade it up. That was wrong and wild, man. - No, like you're gonna take the broken mini fridge to the flea market. - No. - You're gonna see like a broken stand mixer, I'm gonna trade this for the broken stand mixer, and then I trade the broken stand mixer-- - Yeah, for like a broken jukebox, and pretty soon I own a house. - Okay. - A broken house. - A broken house. - There was a broken man who owned a broken house. - There should be a-- - Trade your broken Dodge SRT for a broken house. - I would love it if we could check in on one of those people who back when Vine existed, were like, hey, everyone, here's my daily trade, trading up from a paperclip up to get my own house. But then you check in on them 10 years later, and they're like, guys, I kept trading, and I got back down to a paperclip. - Yeah, I don't know what happened. - Sometimes you fucking win, sometimes you bite the dog, sometimes the dog bites you. in a house for a sweet minute there but then someone was like hey this is a nice house do you want to try this van and then it went van then it went telescope then it went broken sand mixer then it went broken microwave and now i got a paper clip again god damn it but i'm coming back you only you only lose once you give up i'm coming back to a house for sure hey guys i started with a paper clip i traded my way out turned out that paper clip was like a one-of-a-kind misprint from 1963 worth five million dollars so if you have that paper clip still i'll trade you this house trade you back for it i'm gonna save this both a lot of time a lot of time how about another question sure do it i work at a nature center and in the summer the bushes are overflowing with delicious black raspberries raspberries however they're called blackberries how embarrassing however we are located in the city park and foraging is prohibited during all daylight hours The whole area is crawling with management summer camp kids other staff and just regular park goers all of whom could be potential witnesses to my crimes how do i avoid getting spotted while taking on the berries my heart desires and if i get spotted what excuses can i make to get away scot-free that's from raspberry swiper in southeast michigan wow what can we as a society agree to get rid of the p in raspberry i think we should i think we need to circle back as the society to a lot of words wednesday raspberry just a lot restaurant restaurant thank you oh my god restaurant always gets me where's that you go who the fuck knows no one knows okay um could you if caught say like poison checker yeah um they would know that person would be on staff they would probably that's a good point you know what i mean like that person would be on staff they would be employed they wouldn't be a volunteer i don't think you can be a volunteer poison yeah checker so maybe you hand out a handful of raspberries they're looking for they're not gonna bust you they're looking for you that's what i would i just put the wrist out yeah let's go bless me let's go let's go and then they come up to you lock me up for these delicious berries they come up to you to slap the cups on you open your palms you're giving them some delicious black raspberries let them get their beak wet yes yeah because they're a crow you say welcome to the i know what you might be thinking boy these guys are sure letting it show how their interactions with cops typically get a go is two three white guys yeah see it might not sound like a great idea to you to offer these cops berries yeah now wait hold on but you've jumped from i work at a nature preserve there's kids around and my bosses and your thing and your actual assumption is i think this says more about your anxiety than anything else that your assumption is cops are gonna be like those aren't your black raspberries i'm taking your boss your boss spots you and calls the cops hey i warned you it's a theft it's a theft prohibited doesn't mean by social mores it means by the law do you understand yeah this is what i'm saying of course it's illegal you say there's fucking foraging is prohibited that is a legal it is a city park yes foraging is prohibited it's a crime it's a crime you'll go to jail okay so but like be cool dude like we used to be so cool and we'd be like yeah man you're on the rip you need to say you give them to your boss or whoever comes by he's like you know that foraging is a crime you're on the rip you need to say you give them to your boss or you open your palms there's a bunch of black raspberries in there you say welcome to the rip my friend they eat them you say now we're both dirty and now you got two baskets going around grabbing these things oh god what if you just smush a berry like they come up to you to bust you and you smush a berry on their hand yes like uh-oh that's forever yeah it looks like you're culpable you better help me clean up you're going down down i'll take you with me i swear to god take you with me you they just rub it on your teeth look at that somebody's a sloppy eater looking hungry blame it on a bear if they catch you picking berries off of a plant say it's because of a bear made me do it bear has my family my name is ranger rick a bear who is very mean has taken my family i do not know where they are he says he wants picnic baskets he says it's hard for him to get them because he's a bear but i am in a position of authority people trust me i'm worried that my wife has developed stockholm syndrome my name is special agent jack bauer i have 12 hours to retrieve enough blackberries to save my daughter kim um and and the country and as long as we're in the country yeah it's the country too it's a country thing um what if you fell into the brambles mouth first and then it's like oh this is poorly labeled ah yeah i believe i've scraped myself ah management is to be blamed and then like as they're like oh no sir i'm sorry please please no i'm sorry you know it's like scrooping just like grabbing i thought you were gonna go for like a slip and fall thing it's like yeah you slip and fall into the berries right and then you're just like eat like no one can get mad at you because they're worried about a lawsuit yeah yeah because you you might have gotten cut on the brain will get cut i think that's important to say that justin's plan does come with a certain amount of bodily harm justin justin uh has some lovely blackberry bushes outside of his house that when we go and stay there sometimes we'll go out and pick them if they're in season and nothing connects me more to my kind of roots nothing puts me on deep time more than getting poked by a bramble when i'm trying to get a berry out of a bush and i'm like this is what it was like this is what it was like back then and i'm not cut out for this lifestyle i'm a hunter that's true i'm a hunter not a gatherer that's not true which part uh the hunter part well there wasn't a third thing so if i'm not a gatherer i had to be a hunter dead i think what's the stuff yeah that's somebody's eating it you know gotta be eaters otherwise what are we hunting and gathering for there's gotta be podcasters you know oh those are the three times and we must stop this train of thought because it'll get us to a point where our obsolescence becomes so crystallized overwhelming so yeah so obvious you know what i can't think of a better note to end on thank you so much for listening to our podcast thank you for indulging us for another hour we need this thank you so much we need this more than you at this point it's 2026 and we need this we need this we need you stop it hey uh we got merch over the merch store if you haven't checked that out uh we got backpacks there's taz and my brother my brother me options uh designed by justin gray who is burned to build on instagram and 10 of all merch proceeds this month will be donated to the immigrant defenders law center also we uh start back with mackerel entertainment system over on our youtube channel uh we just did a really fun animal animal crossing uh with the new update and uh we've also started like individual streaming over there tuesdays at noon is going to be super mackerel brothers playing games uh the last tuesday of every month is going to be clubhouse uh and you can find this on youtube come watch and then we got streams going throughout we've got uh we're doing more gaming streams i've got adhd detective coming up on wednesday wednesdays at 11 a.m wednesdays at 11 a.m i'm gonna be doing something travis that's almost now oh shit you gotta go dude i will you gotta go dude let's wrap this up um also wanted to let everyone know uh we got like four more packages over at champions grove uh we got a 10 new year sale 10 off new year sale going right now uh go to champions grove.com check that out it's uh four person attendance packages come hang out at a castle in hocking hills ohio play some really fun games do some workshops all kinds of fun stuff uh with me and some other really cool creators like christine ariel uh hayley whip jack paul foxcroft riley silverman diego salinas um and vivid vivica uh one more time check that out championsgrove.com we'll see you there i've got a couple books coming out uh my choose your own adventure book the stowaway comes out march 10th you can pre-order that now at bit.ly slash griffin stowaway it's a sci-fi romp out in outer space and it's full of high intrigue adventure and danger um also we have the last taz graphic novel coming out in july and you can pre-order that as well at theadventurezone.com comic.com also we haven't mentioned in a while if you have questions for the show yeah uh you can send them to mbmbam at maximumfund.org yeah please and thanks to montane for these for a theme song my life is better with you uh it's a great track and a golden oldie and i love it so much it looks like justin's got something chuckable ready yeah he yeah i watched you turn around justin i was like wow he's really it is his turn and then i realized like he's got to find something to heat i gotta find something to throw yeah i got a uh sure headphones uh they're like in your headphones in a case yeah so i think the case may actually be what saves me you got a lot of stuff in the background how where are you gonna aim so that you don't destroy something that way okay just right here we need to get the phone at the acoustic panels yeah i'm oh that's a good point uh but i gotta make it okay there's like one square throw it at the microphone no because if you miss it's not gonna so there's one square at the ceiling okay justin's gonna throw it up wait wait and now our top our big toss for the big boy a heater here we go my name is justin mackaroy i'm travis mackaroy i'm griffin mackaroy did you miss i think you missed you can't miss you make it stick it's better it's better with you it's better it's better with you ♪ It's better, it's better with you ♪ ♪ Is it true? ♪ Ah, it's better, it's better with two. By the way, ah, it's better with you.