MBMBaM 787: Man Vs Kramer Vs Wild Vs Predator

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mention only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? One, two, three, four! It's the start of something beautiful. A small acquaintance has blossomed, it's ripened into a precious friendship. I could have never seen what was coming for me. Hangs at the skate park, hangs by the beach. My life, it feels like. My life, ah, it's better, it's better with you. My life, ah, it's better, it's. It's better with you. This is true, ah, it's better, it's better with you. My life, ah, it's better with you. Hello everybody, and welcome to My Brother, My Brother, me, an advice show for the modern era. I'm your oldest brother, Justin McElroy. What's up, TravNation? I'm your middle-aged brother, Travis BigDog, vroom, vroom, McElroy. Hey, what's up, TravNation? It's me, your sweet baby brother, 30 under 30, media luminary, Griffin McElroy. Jing, jing, jing, did you just hear those? Sleigh bells ring-a-ling, ding, jing, jing, jing. No, it's not even Halloween yet. It's the. We're on the creep, we're on the creep, it's started. It is when this comes out. Fucking Candle Nights creep, baby, we're on it. Yeah, when this comes out, Trav, think about it. But our births haven't even happened yet. I almost said my birthday, Justin, apologies. This is a further. Yeah, no worries, brother, no worries. We'll get yours in there, but it's gonna slot into an open space in the Candle Nights creep, because I'm already putting my holiday plans together, boys. We don't. Have you heard? Have you heard? Do you know where. Do you know where you're. The angel, what has the angel told you? The angel came down from the big star, and he said, what's your ass doing on December 11th? I said, you cuss? He said, fuck yeah, I cuss. About this. I can't see him. He said, you know Rowan Atkinson? I said, yeah. And the angel that came down from the big star was like, he is completing his circuit of the traditional conflict structures in classical literature. Oh, he's going for the canon. He's going. He's going for the whole thing. He's got man versus man. Yeah. Love, actually. Man versus nature. Man versus. Johnny English. Man versus himself, Bean. Bean. Man versus society, Blackadder. Man versus machine is Rat Race, right? Rat Race. Yeah, because that's a bunch of different. Yes. Yeah. Man versus bee, unlikely. Not a lot of people hit that one, but you know, I think just Bee Movie and Man Versus Bee. Yeah, those are the only two. If, you know, Euripides or some of your great playwrights had done all the classics, they would have gotten to Man Versus Bee. If they had lived longer. Life expectancy back then was like, you were 15 years old and you beefed it. If you made it longer, they would have gotten to Man Versus Bee, but now. Can I also just say, because I invoked the name, I watched an explainer video of Bee Movie recently. Yeah, yeah. It makes me mad that we haven't talked about it more. What are you talking about? Like, what are you talking about, bud? Let me. Are you immortal? An explainer video about the Bee Movie? Yeah, man. The way you spend your time. Mike's Mike makes some really good video content, and he did a whole thing about the Bee Movie. Rowan has completed the canon with. Okay, yeah, I'll focus up, focus up. Man, let me say it, the name, Man Versus Baby. Man Versus Baby, the last one. Man Versus Baby. December 11th, Netflix. Now, just to be clear, Griffin, it's not Man Versus B-A-E-B-E-E, right? It's not his girlfriend, the Bee? No. I heard. So, like, there's fucking nothing about this film out there right now. And it comes out in, like, five weeks. It comes out quite soon. Thank you, yes. I have heard, just from some, like, you know, set-side scuttlebutt, that at the end of the movie, the baby bursts open, and it was actually 200 bees that was, like, pranking him in a Like Wicker Man. I haven't seen it. Sort of a Wicker Man situation. December 11th. Now, the first one was a miniseries, wasn't it? Yeah. This one is also a four-part, 30-minute episode. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's an episode miniseries. Just make it a two-hour movie, guys. Just give us a movie. The math ain't that hard. Please, something I can put on my shelf. Please. I can't have a cinema premiere. Where's the Criterion Collection, you know? Yeah. Yeah. I can't rent the Cinemark at the Huntington Mall if it doesn't get a theatrical release, you know? I can't rent it for a Netflix special. Do you think with the release date being in December, do you think that there was a time where they thought about Man vs. Baby Jesus? So. So, here's the thing. There's nothing out about this movie. You can't find fucking anything. There's two pictures from the set. They know what you want. They know what us dirty dogs are going to fucking do with that information. We'll take it and run with it. They saw we did. Can I just say, actually, I don't think there is anyone that would make good use of a lot of information about Man vs. Baby. I agree with you there that it is probably a smart play that, like, no one who wants a lot of that information about it. Is going to make good use of that information. No, for sure. Only ill intent at heart. Just us. Just us, mostly. There's two photos. One, he's walking down the street holding a baby. One, he's sitting on a couch and he's got his arms crossed and he's feeding two babies. So, uh, how many babies is it, Man vs. Baby? Because if it's more than one. One of the babies is on his side. Okay. Oh, he's teamed up. Whoever wins, we're cute. I love it. One man and a baby versus a different, meaner baby. This fall. Bigger baby. Winter. December. Boss baby. Boss. Boss baby. Oh, Man vs. Boss baby? We're watching it. There's no trailers out. No. There is a surplus of artificially inseminated trailers that have been created by robots and put on YouTube to trick everyone. This is what buoys my spirits in the wake of this tide of robots taking all of our jobs for real, though, this time, is that all the comments and all of these A.I. trailers are like, this is not my Trevor Bingley. This is A.I. Slop. Trevor Bingley would fucking never. Never. Never. He doesn't have that Trevor Bingley joie de vivre. You made his eyes all big and nightmarish. That's not my pleasant Trevor Bingley, well-intentioned house sitter. Does he have, so he probably babysits in this one. I want to see if we can reverse engineer Man vs. Baby. I saw one trailer. That I think had some real information in it that said he was a schoolteacher this time around. How the fu- I saw Man vs. B. I don't want that- It was anyone who saw that. That's also not baby-related. Like, babies don't go to school. Well, it's a school for ba- just calm down. The school board must have ruled Man vs. Baby admissible. It's a school for babies. A daycare. Yeah, he works at a daycare, and there's a nativity play, and no one comes to pick up the baby Jesus, so he takes- So it is Man vs. Baby Jesus. Jesus. Yes, and he takes him to house sit at a different house. I'm saying this out loud. This sounds also fake. There's no way- There's no way. There's no way the series is he's a daycare teacher, and he takes home a baby no one picked up while he's house sitting a fancy house in London. It's also, it's been six years since I had a baby. Yeah. Right? In the house. I didn't have the baby. You had a baby around. Since I had a baby present in the home. Right. I don't think parents- Parents take the baby to nativity practice and just say, I'll be back in two hours. Yeah, yeah. Keep a good eye on this baby. Why else am I letting them use the baby then if I'm not getting some free babysitting out of it? Why am I letting them use the tight- Well, you can still watch your phone while you sit in the pew. Yeah, because the answer to that, Justin, is on your drive back to the house to get in a good hour and 15 minutes of shitting and gaming and all that stuff, you could die in a car accident on the way back. And then Mr. Bean's going to have your baby in a stranger's house for the holidays. Merry Christmas. It's man versus baby. And you know it's not baby-proofed? You know the house isn't baby-proofed. He certainly isn't. Can't handle a- Can't handle a bee? Do you have any idea how much more shit a human child is going to rain down on you than a little tiny boop's done? Literally. I think- You don't got diapers in that house? No way. I think the next one they do should be man- Versus it's a wonderful life. Oh, wow. And Clarence visits him, and he's like, it'd be better if I was never born. I keep versing everybody. Yeah. I'm so tired from versing everyone all the time. Once word got out that I was the man to verse, people are calling me out on the street. And then Clarence shows up, and he takes them to this hellscape that's just covered in bees. It's just a planet of bees. Yeah. He's the one I'd want, though. Like a bee movie, Trav, I guess. I didn't watch the explainer, so I might have missed some of the context. Bees sue humanity. Yeah. Hey, did you guys catch the trailer for Man vs. Kramer vs. Kramer? It looks like it's going to be- It looks like Man vs. Kramer vs. Predator is a fucking really, really good idea for a movie. Man vs. Kramer vs. Wild vs. Predator. Yes. Bear Grylls- Yes. Is on our side. Is he? He's a baby. He's a baby. He's a baby. He's a baby bear. Baby Bear Grylls. Baby Bear Grylls. Cub Grylls. Yeah. Cub Grylls is a baby. He got dropped off at- wilderness camp and never picked up and so yes trevor bingley rowan atkinson has to take care of him but the homies taking care of him it's a married couple who are going through a hard time and then we'll get bees in there too of course and we'll save bees for the last episode like you end of episode three he finally got the baby to sleep and he's like oh finally time to relax what's that he hears ding dong checks the nest cam nothing there santa it's no dang it and he's like oh nothing's there all right back to my nap and he puts his phone down and the camera zooms in on the phone where you don't didn't see anything before and a single bee climbs over the camera lens and everyone at home is like oh shit he's here the bee and the bees then and the predator shows up hunting the bee yes yes and then santa go ahead juice get santa in there and then santa i mean it's like i if you guys put santa in it that's that's the thumbnail you know what i mean like then then every christmas yeah and the fun thing is if we have cub girls the baby yeah trevor bingley yeah predator b santa kramer and kramer yeah we can pick one we can match up mix and match who's teaming up versus who in there yeah because i'd love to see santa and predator team up against the bee yeah that's yeah i think my fan fiction's that of the kramers i think i'd go with meryl streep in our picture um over dusty hoff and yeah and and michael ritchie yeah michael yeah so we'll get mikey ritchie meryl got out of that one good so we'll get her and the bee and the predator um at the end freddy freddy can get up in it too freddy yes yeah freddy's all right but actually and travis did you hear it you sealed the joke i heard it like there can't be anything else on top did you hear it it was like listen listen listen real close the perfect kind of like salt bay you did on there and then it was like everybody take a step back from it that's really good it's so rare that we recognize that in the moment you know what i mean normally we we have to see it in the rear view you know what i mean but this time nice to know that i was there to do the seal or as one might say killing blow no it's still a living document this this show is a living it's in the library of congress hey wow in the bathroom i keep living leaving usb drives of our show in the library of congress bathroom yeah sealed in a ziploc baggie in the tank yep um i have been seeing the psychiatrist for a while hey congratulations oh for my anxiety disorder sorry i i should have finished the whole way congratulations yeah sure health is important it's yeah it's been pretty helpful she's also really cool and recently suggested that i watch horror movies going so far as to recommend me a few of her favorites i've now watched 30 odd movies and the issue is i don't really like the one she's told me to watch 30 that's a lot of fucking movies dude man if somebody recommends me something they got about 10 minutes yeah if they whiffed it they've whiffed it for good man uh i found them super boring with okay scares but a baffling plot is there a way i can let her know about this without turning her against me or do i have to lie to my psychiatrist my next appointment is on halloween please help that's from madden by mediocre movies do you i would i personally would caution you against lying because i think your psychiatrist needs to know exactly how twisted you are yes you know what i mean your psychiatrist if they're going to get up there in the in the in the dark cobweb and like dig around in the annals of your brain yeah they gotta know that like aren't the clowns up there yeah i mean like all the bad guy there's like bad there's both freddy's there's four people there's four people on this earth that i want to know what scares me and my psych my therapist would be would be one of them because it would be helpful in some of our work i would also say the person most likely to know you are lying yeah yeah yeah now because they've studied your psyche yeah they know you inside and out um it is an impressive feat to recommend someone 30 movies that they don't like 30 you're gonna get one just one or two's gonna hit in 30 so many so many movies to watch you don't like and it's like if someone recommends me two movies i don't like i've stopped taking recommendations from that person i don't think i've watched 30 movies this year yeah no no way i would also find it concerning if my therapist who ostensibly has studied my psyche attempting to understand my brain then when i know 30 movies you'll love just distressing for sure absolutely maybe the thing is this the your psychiatrist is actually like kind of out of their depth because like once they see the once they kind of see the sick and twisted shit yeah you get off on maybe they would be messed up too you know like you've been watching all this crazy scary stuff yeah the psychiatrist can't help you because you want didn't you listen yeah don't watch that stuff that's evil it'll make you make your brain bad i'm trying to walk you back trying to fix you yeah i know watch these boring movies you sick i'm trying to detox your twisting mind trying to resensitize you freak i do think well i can satiate your blood lust no kidding yeah that was just a bunch of faces and death movies you're getting vhs's mailed to you in unmarked packages man that's direct feed of executions for prisons you're a terrible person i think it's wild to me maybe i just have a a different flavor of anxiety yeah but the idea that my therapist would be like hey i know you're in here for worrying you're in here for worrying you're in here for worrying you're in here for too much and getting too much tension and being too freaked out by things anyway here's 30 scary movies you should watch i mean that makes sense those expurgation of pity and fear it's one of the great uses of drama i get that but it's just you gotta get your rocks off though if it's gonna work you know you gotta get your also they probably didn't include this but i assume the therapist told them to like listen to yakety sacks while they were watching oh yeah that's good there's like this whole theory uh you know an acceptment except acceptance commitment therapy where it's just like take it and twist it and turn it if you have something fucked up in your brain like turn it up turn it around and look at it a different way and so playing like yakety sacks over um i don't know some trauma flick it changes it it takes the teeth off of it it makes you brave guys i've got it they don't specify the anxiety disorder but if it's related to social anxiety this is a test oh fuck all day yeah they gave you movies they knew you wouldn't like why do all the great you can say yeah it wasn't good i didn't like that why do all the great therapists have to use so many tricks yeah you know what i mean all the great therapists are so focused on different tricks and puzzles and ways they could catch you up well did you watch king's speech yeah jeffrey rush is bullying the king to get him to stop stuttering or whatever i didn't watch it but i've seen the clip and he's like yelling and he's like poking him in the eye or something yeah fucking good work fuck man stop poking me in the eye and he's like didn't stutter did you good will hunting when he's like it's not your fault kid and he starts to cry and when he gets close robin williams farts on his hand and puts it close to his face yeah man classic what did we teach what are we teaching here math i think that's what they're teaching in goodwill hunting they do teach a lot of math a lot of math every time you go back and watch that movie you forget about all the math in it huh no you do learn something new they trojan about apples yeah man how many apples do i have do you like these apples or these apples you need to walk in confidently and say i think i've solved your puzzle i fucking hated those shitty movies and you are a bad person for recommending all of them because travis is right they want to make sure you can stand up travis is right you have to stand up for yourself huh 30 bad movie recommendations that's frame it as i've solved your test you gave me these movies because you knew i wouldn't like them and see if i have the confidence to tell you you've also now given them the chance to stand up and say i don't think i'm the out to say yeah that's exactly what it was that's it that's it what if the therapist is like okay i'm hearing your feedback jeremy but please how many did you watch just tell me how many not 30 no god damn it wow have you not been listening to anything you watched 30 movies what are we doing in here jeremy i recommended those a week ago you told me your people pleasing was under control you watched 30 bad movies you swore to me you said it was getting better 30 you watched one of them twice let's just see if you missed something what was that wobbles movie with cario is in it what's wrong with you this is 30 this is just 30 burger king commercials i looped together to make an 80 minute movie of course it was boring god justin we gotta talk to find a director's cut of the burger king loop movie justin we gotta talk about this crazy fucking lumpy ass gourd you got going on behind it's a beautiful gourd it's it's a biblically accurate gourd it's an octopus monster that got all dried up by science field of view bring him in beauty blog that nasty fucking gourd cooper grabbed got this cat for me at floyd's that's uh crazy man i thought it was i thought it was some ears of corn you had glued together you know no man that's a single vegetable or fruit it's this i don't know if this either these sometimes look like a banana sometimes yeah or this is one of the most important and powerful gourds ever on on the internet it's i don't know yeah this is either a huge viral thing that everybody's wild about and you're seeing this everywhere on your fyp yeah or this is a nothing burger and i still appreciate it because my daughter thought of me when she got this for me my daughter's never gotten me a gourd my whole life listeners at home it looks kind of like a small pumpkin that a big fat scorpion climbed on top of and then like kind of gooshed all over it kind of looks like a banana like a banana that someone fucked into a tiny pumpkin and then they got banana lumps everywhere yeah i don't know get it close to the camera i know that you're not used to this wide angle but get it up on get i'm so glad we're a video forward podcast now i don't know how long it'll last i don't i was thinking about if should i lacquer it yeah lacquer it right lacquer that lacquer that gourd that'd be cool this is this i'm i'm not gonna get up from my chair so that's the best i can yeah you're just holding that gourd for the rest of the recording nope recording yeah bazinga all right you guys want another question please yes all right good allow me my wife came home yesterday and said that her work slack channel posted a reminder to all the staff to bring back any forks they may have accidentally taken home with them she said she thought it was weird that anyone would take all the forks with them i don't know if that's true i don't know if that's true i don't know if that's true i had to tell her that she was in fact the fork thief and that i had been noticing them show up in her lunch bags that she was bringing home with her i've been washing them and putting them away with the rest of our dishes not thinking much about it brothers we've collected over a dozen forks now and we're not sure how to get them back into the office without anyone noticing how do we return them that's from fork thief asking for forgiveness in frederick i feel like i can walk through the mind of this individual and look at the series of small hidden choices they were making to themselves of whether or not to confront their loved one about this fork stealing behavior and saying no i'll i will accommodate it and i will in fact be complicit in it yeah you're fencing it he was fencing the forks you're you're laundering him you are laundering the forks absolutely you are i mean literally you're putting them in a machine and then they come out yours i don't think so i'm i guess i'm learning people most people are a lot less particular about their forks they're not they're not they're not they're not they're not they're silverware than i am because if i put one of a fork in my mouth that isn't one of my normal shoulders i'm gonna absolutely not be having a good time i'm pretty particular about those i like a number of times i like some some some tight time spacing i like a good hand feel if somebody's bringing in some scrowdy raul fork from nowhere's burg charm got three for a dollar at the dollar general no thank you yeah thank you take that back to work aesthetically justin what you've been putting these away in the drawer with your other forks when you open that drawer and you look into the fork slot and you see these weird don't fit the shape don't stack right tell me the slots that you guys have what are the slots in your little fork big spoon little spoon butter knife travis that's fucking amazing random that's good and then random slot with like some plastic like reusable straws and uh some chopsticks and etc i think you can measure how much you've given up by how you sort the silverware drawer and at the bottom of the list is probably just like big old bucket you throw it all in but i'm i think i'm probably close to the bottom of the list because we do butter knife but some steak action will slide in there from time to time no griffin big spoon little spoon in the same drawer big fork little fork in the same drawer and then one for straws chopsticks etc okay first of all piece by piece here griffin yeah you put the steak knife in with the butter knife and then you put the butter knife oh justin's camera got too hot from the thing you said what does that happen now it's fucking insane it's fucking are you it's not that it's not that wild it's it's a camera and it gets hot because it's been on for a while and then it turns off every time you act like it's like cletus the slack-jawed yokel it's just a warm camera griffin you gotta calm down could you at least turn your camera feed on so i'm not looking at color boys no not without standing up i can't griffin you put the steak knife in with the butter knife what happens when you reach in to get a butter knife and some slicey action happens how much fucking first of all they all go in kind of like blade first handle hand ass up ass up blade down that's the way we stack our silverware i'm not gonna fucking toss them in there like you reach in to grab a butter knife you come away with a steak knife and then you have to put that down and pick up a butter knife now you've had two trips two trips i mean all my steak knives have you know this fine butter knife and then you have to put that down and pick up a butter knife and then you have to find elk bone if i don't get the thing i want right out yeah of the drawer i'm so bothered i can and yeah but i know what the difference is i can tell by just the touch of it of what is a butter knife and what is a steak knife i don't need to have are you touching the knife like think about it though that's dangerous to get it and use it what are you talking about dangerous what have you poached your finger how small is your sword and keep them you guys genuinely do sound a little bit like my mother's knife i don't know if you can hear me i don't know if you can hear me i don't my mother-in-law right now who does every time i'm in the kitchen usually during thanksgiving cutting something saying careful that's knife looks and it is true that the first time that they came over thanksgiving i cut my fingers so badly i cut it so so badly and so i haven't established a great track record but i'm good with knives generally speaking i'm not going to cut myself reaching into the butter knife when you mix your spoons let's get to spoons griffin i think the bowl depth and size i feel the same way different yeah but yeah i look at it here's what i do i look at it and i'm like oh my god i'm not gonna cut it i'm not gonna cut it i'm not gonna cut it i look down in the drawer and i look at the spoons i say there's a small one i would like that for cereal but they don't stack correctly but they don't stack correctly but it does beg the question griffin if you are already doing this if you're looking at spoons and deciding which spoon you want why don't you just pile the spoons and the forks together then well because damn you're right i'm no better you're not you're an animal society that's fine griffin you gotta claw back out all right i got you maybe today try separating them and just take a moment to the step you've taken is it okay to put chopsticks and straws together yeah that's fine yeah i've put a big bag of chopsticks straws popsicle molds trash you know yeah yeah uh it also helps griffin if the chopsticks can fit into one of the straws that you can just heat it like a blow dart into some foam in fact yeah that's actually really important the government should pay for you to move back into your own house every year because i bet i would do so much of a better job this time like knowing where shit should go because you've lived there because i've lived there for like a long time you get mad at yourself all the time like why did you do this moving sucks and it's so expensive but if the government paid for me to do it once now that i'm good at it i'd kick ass and the government loves paying for stuff right now well no they're paying for everything okay you have to get political and it's like yeah like i know they're not going to do it is obviously a is starring in a four-part miniseries sequel to man versus b called man versus baby like we make shit up on this show like all the time and we play with it we play with you yeah i everything i've ever said on this show is 100 true perfect that's great good news just to balance it out let's take a break and let's take a break and let's take a break and let's take a break and let's take a break down weekends for my kids that saturdays are data days which is like could mean i have things i need to take care of like organizing the garage or whatever or it could be like hey you're gonna hang out with dad today and then sundays are fun days where we usually go somewhere that you know like a museum or fridays for the freaks where either they'll have fun or they'll stay quiet while you have fun exactly it mixes it matches it's a beautiful system gotta move that now though because sundays for dogs yes sundays for dogs you know normally you can either have fresh or healthy with sundays for dogs you have fresh and healthy they sent us a bag and one i'll tell you this both of my pups they got sensitive tum tums but we've been using sundays for dogs as treats for lily our big old dog and she yummies that shit up she loves it she's finally listening to me for the first time ever she finally likes travis it's amazing she likes me sundays is fresh air-dried dog food made from great ingredients. The rest of these are custard. customized based on the needs of your dogs, its size, breeds, allergies, activity levels, and more. You don't need to thaw it. There's a lot of dog foods now that, like, you find in the refrigerator at the pet store or it comes, like, frozen. You don't got to do that. And you can make the switch to Sundays by right now going to SundaysForDogs.com slash MyBrother to get 50% off your first order. Or you can use code MyBrother at checkout. That's 50% off your first order at SundaysForDogs.com slash MyBrother, SundaysForDogs.com slash MyBrother. Or use code MyBrother at checkout. Woof, woof, big dog approved. Griff and Andrew McElroy. All right. My name is Peter Riddles. I'm an agent to the stars. I know you've fallen on hard times, and I got good news for you. Which hard times? You've fallen on hard times? I didn't know that. I know you've fallen on hard times. Which kind of hard times? I've fallen on a few different types of hard times. He's been struggling to pick up work lately. His brothers can't carry his coattails anymore. It's sad, Travis. He's reduced. He actually wrote a book, if you can believe it. It's getting pretty sad. A book? Was it like a novel? He had to write a book. But listen, I'm going to turn things around for you, baby, because I've been learning the web. And I'm going to be charging you an absolute premium to make a website for you because I've taken the time to make myself into an expert. Bert Griffin. Yeah. So for a very reasonable fee. Sorry, what was your name again, Agent Moon? Peter Squarespace is my name. Oh, are you sure? Yes. Are you sure that's the name you said at the start? I said Peter Reynolds. Remnalds? With an M? Pete, which one is it? Not Remnalds. No, obviously not Remnalds. Certainly not Remnalds. Yeah. So what did you need me to do, Pete? I'm making you a website, baby. And you've got to pay me a bunch of money because I've got a big team of experts and they can let you do whatever you want with a website, Griffin. You're going to have to pay me a huge premium because our websites that we build, they can do anything. You can sell stuff with these. You can post your photos. Hey, Griffin, can I talk to you over here real quick? Yeah, you keep going, Pete. You're going to miss out on the deal. Okay. What's up, Jeff? Hey, Griffin, I think that this Remnalds guy is maybe trying to take you to the cleaners because you can do all that with Squarespace. Squarespace. You don't need Remnalds. He did say his name was Peter Squarespace. Wait, wait, wait. I don't want to interrupt, but we got world-class designers. Hold on. That was crazy. I'm getting a call from another client. Sorry, I got another guy coming in. Hold on. Really? That's your ringtone for Squarespace? No, Griffin's dragging his feet. I don't know. Maybe I'll have room for you because Griffin's dragging his feet. I know for sure that's Sidney. To what? Just because the ringtone is on the wings of love? That's got to be my wife? You're ridiculous. You're married to Sidney, too? Uh-oh. It's a sequel. And Justin McElroy, a poser in the city? Sidney, too. The sequel to Sidney. Yeah. Listen, I have world-class designers that have made templates for me only, and I can let you use them for an exorbitant fee. Okay. Go ahead with what you were saying. Sorry. First of all, the book that I'm writing is The Stowaway. I've written it. It's coming out next year. You can pre-order it at bit.ly slash griffinstowaway. Really excited for that. A two-journ adventure experience. It's a two-journ adventure experience. This is why you're never going anywhere. Yeah. Penguin Random House made the website for that one. Did not have the opportunity to whip one up. But if I did, Mr. Rimmelts, I would use Squarespace and not whatever bogus bullshit you're trying to sling my fucking way, dude. I've got you dead to rights in my sights, and I know that it's not right what you're doing. So don't fall for Peter Rimmelts' predatory practices. Instead. Head to squarespace.com slash mybrother for a free trial, and when you're ready to launch, use offer code mybrother to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. I never know if Justin's waiting for one of us to talk, so you could interrupt it with a. Yeah, no. And so, like, sometimes I just like to do a gentle. All right. Yes. Solo. I want a munch! Squad! Bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop. I want you, munch! Squad! Bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop. Welcome to Munch Squad. It's a podcast with a podcast profile and the latest grace in brand eating. And finally, someone's doing something about Elf. Guys! About Elf? Scooter's Coffee. This is a first press release. That's not a real place. This is the first press release I've ever had that is also in fact. An adventure. Cool! So I want you guys to experience it. Is there anything we should know to be ready for the adventure? Just imagine it in your mind's eye, I guess, to experience the adventure. Press your own adventure. At Scooter's Coffee, smiling is our favorite. Scooter's Coffee has partnered with those wizards over at Warner Brothers Discovery Global Consumer Products. It doesn't say that. It doesn't say that sentence. What? The wizards at. No, I added wizards, but it does say has partnered with Warner Brothers Discovery Global Consumer Products. Man alive. A Globochem Corp. Yeah. Fuck, man. Happy holidays from Globochem. To bring out smiles and holiday cheer to coffee drive-thrus far and near. The holiday menu at Scooter's Coffee is filled with magic and sweet surprises inspired by New Line Cinema's film, Elf. Which is at least 15 years old. Which is at least 600,000 years old. Throughout the holiday season, you've got drinks and food. Food items that feature maple, peppermint, and cherry flavors. That's inspired by the holiday classic film. Each drink comes served in a cup. Featuring, guys, designs inspired by Buddy the Elf and Jovi's North Pole looks. And there's a stick. There's a sticker featuring a friendly face for the North Pole. Can you give me the original take on that? It's a sticker. It's a sticker. It's a sticker. It's a sticker with a friendly face for the North Pole. Now, they don't go so far. They don't go so far as to say it, Santa. But I'll be fucked if it's not Santa. It's trademarked. It's a sticker, but they can't say Santa sticker. Collect them all. Collect all the wheelbarrows. Get out there when they're being a sequel. Collect the wheelbarrows. Many stores will also feature holiday lighting and decor inspired by Buddy the Elf's journey to New York City to find his father. Shit, yeah. Save his father would be better. It would be better. Cherry? Second. I love that they put in the press release, check this, folks. We're doing something new and different. This holiday season, our store, holiday decorations. Trees and shit, garland and motherfuckers. We're going to have lights. I really like the version of this journey where the sea serpent that greets Buddy is played by, in the TV animated special, I don't know if you guys know this, but the sea serpent that says goodbye to Buddy is voiced by one Matt Lauer, a real black mark on an otherwise pristine production. Delightful film, yeah. A monster playing a monster. Fantastic. Hey, the candy came. Forest mocha, hot or ice blended, features our world-class espresso, combined with decadent mocha and peppermint flavors, a mocha drizzle, and topped with whipped cream, more mocha drizzle and peppermint chips. Wait, that's too much mocha drizzle. That's a lot of mocha drizzle. That's a mocha storm. Why do I need two strata? Two strata of mocha drizzle. No matter which peppermint option you choose, we're bringing the candy came forest to you. Now, we're going to go through the sea of swirly, twirly gumdrops and have a swirly, twirly sugar cookie latte. That's hot, iced, or blended. Now, hold on. A sugar cookie is not a gumdrop. It's not even close to a gumdrop. Yeah, dude. They're two wildly different, sweet universes. Everybody hates gumdrops, and they're all busted down flavors. They're so bad. Not if you want to build with them in toothpicks. That is good. That's the only reason they keep making them. That's the reason only Michael's sells gumdrops, because they're only for crafts. Have we talked about, it feels like this sounds like, this sounds like the kind of thing we've definitely talked about before, but is there a gingerbread house eating contest that happens after the gingerbread house, like, creation contest? Because I would love to see someone try to pound down more than, like, a half dozen gumdrops. You know what happens to the gingerbread houses that Disney World makes, right? What? They become houses for bees! I guess, yeah, man, I guess. What they do is they take about, and they become houses for bees! Okay, you can't just say they become houses for bees. That is nature reclaiming. I don't know how much clearer he can say it. Here's what I'm saying. They chuck them out there. Where? Alligators, where the alligators and mosquitoes are. They chuck them out there, and then they bring a bunch of bees, and they say, fucking go for it. We got a new queen here, and she loves this gingerbread house, and this is her gingerbread castle, and maybe we'll name her Anna, and glue a little wig to her, or whatever, but here's the point is, you guys live in this fucking house now. Eat it up. That sucks for them, man. That's a bad thing. Are you kidding? It sounds pretty fucking good. That sounds pretty fucking good, except it's like, oh, guys, it's wintertime, and our house is gonna happen. We eat it at all, because it's sweet candy and cookies. It's wintertime in Florida and California, Griffin. Don't get on your high horse. Yeah, it's what, 60? 60 in the afternoon? Come on. Also, I wanna say, here's my pitch for a gingerbread house eating competition. It's not how much or how fast. It is, in fact, how long do you think you can wait and then still be able to consume Dryest. Yeah, so it's like, Dryest, hardest. I'm gonna wait, but if you wait too long, and then you go to eat it, and you're like, actually, this is, no longer consumable you're disqualified i have to imagine that there is they make space for like the big gulp full of water that they just dunk dunk them all in get it soft and gullible like they do in the hot dog one it would be different categories yeah right there would be with liquid without with toothpicks without yeah toothpicks is get them down chomp them down it's faster to eat the toothpicks definitely yeah it is you gotta it's a few extra chews yep there's a there okay so now and finally we've got treats inspired by buddy the elf you did it congratulations you made the whole journey through the press release now celebrate your holiday season victories with maple infused options that don't skimp on the syrup the buddy the elf maple caramelicious hot ice or blended features our signature drink i'm assuming they mean coffee yeah but we put an elf inspired new spin on the classic creamy carol meets maple and rich espresso before being top of whipped cream creamy caramel meets maple creamy carol is the woman who puts the whipped cream on all of the drinks yeah that's true she hates it when you call her that where's the cream on my thing creamy carol is had a death in the family creamy carol is and none of us are trained on it creepy carol is on sabbatical it's rough man i do not know what to say to her perfect for making snow angels the buddy the elf maple chai gives your favorite spice chai and elf upgrade with warm notes of golden maple syrup how is it perfect for making snow angels you dump it on the ground dump it on the ground the shape of the angel it's perfect for making snow angels because you need after you've gotten in down there with jovi and made beautiful snow angels then you need a warm-up yeah before you go find your dad james com i love you dad he's on the naughty list yeah he is uh don't have as much of a sweet tooth as buddy the elf try our son of a dark chocolate roasted nuts and warm brown sugary bread it's all based on a movie that's older than your kid's kindergarten teacher believe it or not amazing great great flick great flick this is one of the more comprehensive brand partnerships i think we're not even done welcome to the we're filled with holiday cheer there's plenty more to cheer about with our cheery cheer sparkling float tart cherry and vanilla flavors mixed with sparkling soda and creamy snowy vanilla float topping and whipped cream for carbonated cup of cheery cheer this one's trying to fuck with me i'm not great of a reader but this one is trying to make problems for me intentionally yeah which is rude how big's their menu that they can slot in two dozen no ball fight cake bite with a delicious bite of vanilla cake goodness with creamy blue fillings surrounded by white chocolate and top with they're now getting into like deep cut elf references that only the real elf heads yeah only the real elfies remember this yeah there's the exclusive co-branded x sorry elf scooters coffee merchandise that's how i'm saying or no sorry we're pronouncing those right is that what we settled on that is okay there's co-branded elf scooter coffee merchandise makes for a sweet holiday gift available in stores and online our son of a nutcracker tumbler a stainless steel 32 ounce insulated tumbler finally folks a cup with elf on it yeah i think i think we finally did it guys um a cup with elf on it a coffee mug with elf you've they've like tripled the size of their core menu additional merchandise that's available at scooterscoffee.com including a set of a nutcracker blanket featuring the same they just get rights to the one saying the one quote yeah what did you guys have left over that we could just troll for uh so that is an exciting partnership i'm excited to get over to scooters never been to one can't imagine i'm not gonna be able to get over to scooters never been to one imagine i'll go now too much elf stuff too much you would have to say the name of these things out loud to allow yeah yeah i can't do it won't do it i'll do it like i do it at like a restaurant where i don't know how to pronounce some of the menu items or i'll be like i will have the stew and they'll know what i mean when i say this one i would have this one please may i have the cherry beverage and you know and how many does that cost you want me to say son of a nutcracker you have a knife in your hand you're saying saying son of a nutcracker out loud okay you said your scooter you said say son of a nutcracker or i can't finish you said that to me a customer at your coffee shop god this place is a drive-thru i wouldn't want to stay here for very long thanks uh on the first day of class our ta told us not to raise our hands but simply to speak up when we had something to share for context i'm in grad school and there are about 20 people in the class i respect the ta i want to follow that request but i keep forgetting and raising my hand anyway to say this bothers her would be an understatement she's clearly annoyed and has even begun to threaten docking grades i've started to realize what i'm doing partway through raising my hand and try to pass it off as right way in through my hair or stretching awesome i can only do this so many times before it looks suspicious the other day i tried to pass off raising my hand is pretending to shoot basketball and it didn't go over well brothers what are some other convincing ways i can pretend i am not raising my hand that's from teacher's pest in tennessee stretch no they already said stretching i mean they did cover that now say pretend to shoot basketball pretend to shoot a basketball big one in a hoop oh there he did it pretend like you're raising an antenna to get better reception on your invisible ham radio yeah that's good pretend to grab a bug oh that's a good one oh that's a good one if you just like snap it out of the air and then maybe body odor check write a fun phrase on the palm of your hand yeah don't think you're cheating don't think you're cheating no no no so then when you raise your hand they see and it just says like hi ta they'll kill you that oh wait no this is a good idea waving hi i'm not don't call on me i don't have shit and give them a thumbs up let them know they're doing a good job just glad to see you teach air high five it sucks that you only point great point teach sucks you only get to wave when you say hi or bye to someone you should be able to mid-conversation be like i wave all the time what are you talking about i'm fucking stoked all over again to be talking to you man here's a big one for you dude i'm not very good at waving too so i do it all the time to try to practice yeah sometimes when i wave it makes it seem like my wrist is uh disconnected from my hand and it's just kind of oh yeah it's you need to you need to it needs to be more of a lever action i can't i'm trying to do kind of more of a princess die now man parade way it would be you know it would be nice if we use the wave as a symbol to like start the conversation over like i'm not like i've accidentally lied a couple times and i don't want to have this anymore and you're going to talk to me about something i don't care about yeah and i just want to start over please watch that hand man you would have to limit the amount of times you could do that right like yeah you could do that like once a conversation do you guys think john cena the first time he did the you can't see me thing he was just waving at himself because he was or he wanted to that's possible too or he would want to just smell something he was trying to walk that was it it was cena v rock and the rock was like do you smell what the rock is gonna get and john was like i don't know man i'm trying that looks cool that looks really cool that's another thing you could do you could do the john cena wave you start to wave your hand and then you just wave right in front of your face that's cool yeah you raise one hand you raise the other hand bring it down and crotch chop oh yeah really brutalizing our microphones during this it's it's i've been seeing interviews john cena lately pop up on on tiktok and he's talking about a lot of like debonair stuff like his like uh his preferences of coffee or i watch that as well just like it's very debonair and it gave me this strain a strange emotion i don't think i've ever had before which is the feeling that i am glad john cena is as big as he is so he is not bullied because i think if john cena was not john cena size he would get bullied a lot like i felt weirdly defensive for a john cena that didn't exist that didn't have his huge muscles you know what i mean but i'm glad he is as he is as john cena is as big as he needs to be and i don't think i understood this because i was not a wrestling person yeah and but he is i will say it seems like widely bullied in that even in that world for a strong man it seems like even people who like wrestling bullied john cena more than they would feel comfortable bullying a man of his size well speaking go to go to hollywood justin we're being debonair is appreciated now he comes back and he's like y'all bullied me when i was just a big strong wrestler but look at me now look i'd like to get a gut check from griffin on this angle of john cena being highly bullyable because i feel that in my bones i want to know if it's a right a right feeling um i need i need 10 seconds can i also just say uh justin he wasn't always that big like as much as i want to picture a 10 year old john cena who's absolutely jacked and it's just the same but scaled down to 10 there must have been a time where he did get bullied and he thought i'm gonna become an absolutely jacked mountain of a man yes but what i'm saying is like i think his hugeness is directly proportionate to how big of a dork he was he real like a lot of people would have that realization and they'd do like and be like, okay, I'm all right. I feel, John Cena's like, I think I need to get just really huge. To be able to carry off. That's what I did. Oh yeah, the Travis McElroy system he called it. Yeah, where I got real big. Because I was a weirdo. In 2002, John Cena debuted the alias that he had at the time, which was a freestyle rapping wrestler named the Doctor of Thuganomics. I'm going to hyperventilate. Okay, so this is real. Canon. 100%. Fully, fully, super. I know, guys I get it that that sounds like some shit I would say. That would be made up on this show where we say made up shit all the time, like Man vs. Baby. But that's very real. I have to imagine. No wait, Man vs. Baby is real too? I want to be clear. Damn it. Okay, go ahead. Thank you. I have to imagine that where he is. Did you guys make up Man vs. Baby? Because I didn't even Google it. It's very real. I have to imagine where John Cena is now. The frame he occupies now was largely, he was pressed firmly into that mold. Like the Play-Doh dentist. Like a Play-Doh dentist. Yeah. Because of a slingshot effect that he took around Doctor of Thuganomics to come back. He went, whoa! And everyone's like, this sucks! And he was like, rip! And he launched back forward into the huge guy. And now he's like, he is where he is now. And that's like a, who does that? Who can make that fucking transition? Nobody. Now, my question is, did the Doctor of Thuganomics have a PhD or a medical degree? Yes. Because even in there, what it implies is that the character went, yes, I could just be a layman of Thuganomics, but I will attend more schooling. Yeah. Debuting the Doctor of Thuganomics character in 2002, Cena began performing freestyle raps and promos and wore jerseys and hats as part of his gimmick, along with the slogan, Word Life. So he had to, he had to, they had to crush him at the bottom of the fucking pit. Batman broke his back so he could climb back up. Now he's the fucking fear. You know what I mean? I love that. I love that for him. John, cool journey. Would love to get y'all, my brother, my brother and me, or standing offer, John. Or just a cool hang if you're afraid of the attention. And I'm not gonna bully you. If you're afraid of all the attention you would get from guessing on our show, I understand that can be off-putting. We can just chill out and play Fortnite together. That's fine. You can play as yourself. I can be you, John, in Fortnite. He probably doesn't play as John Cena, right? No, but I bet it would make him more comfortable if you did. He'd do Pickle Rick. John Cena loves that. John Cena's still talking about Pickle Rick, guys. John, hi. The invite was real. Griffin doesn't mean this. No, please, please. Ignore that part. I do fully mean it. He's on his farewell tour season still in WWE and every once in a while he'll be like, I'm about to take you down like Pickle Rick. And they're like, dude, you can't fucking. So, you're saying Griffin, there's two things. There's two things John Cena loves that we know about. The perfect flat white, which he discusses at length in the video Justin and I watch. And Pickle Rick. Yeah, dude. So, when John Cena goes into a coffee shop, he orders a flat white to see if they know what they're doing and then ask the barista, also, what are your feelings on Pickle Rick? Yeah, and you know, it's like he hasn't seen it. He said in an interview, he said, I'm not allowed to watch Rick and Morty. It's on Adult Swim. He said, but I see a lot of really funny stuff about this guy. Why is he studying Thuganomics? I haven't watched it, but I asked AI to generate a version of it for me based on what I knew about it. So, I saw the t-shirt at Hot Topic and I was like, so focused on the iconography. Yeah. He is a subscriber to the American Journal of Thuganomics because you can't just, like, learn that shit in 2002 and then he goes to the conferences. Constantly changing. He reads for the articles. Hey, thank you so much for listening to my brother, my brother, me, and a true podcast full of absolutely true stuff. For grown-ups. For dogs. This is true. On December 6th, we're going to be doing a candlelight show right here in Huntington, West Virginia at 7pm. That includes a virtual stream ticket. If you want that digital premiere of a recording of the show with bonus behind-the-scenes footage, that premiere is going to be December 19th at 9pm Eastern through, and you can watch that through January 4th. We'll be in the chat on that. We'll hang out. We'll be watching that. All benefits from this show are going to be donated to Harmony House, which seeks to end homelessness in the Huntington area through permanent housing and supportive service programs. I don't need to tell you how important that is right now, and we would really appreciate any support you can provide. Tickets for both those events are available at bit.ly forward slash CandleNights2025. Also, if this goes out at noon on Monday, which it normally does, that means that Champions Grove 2026 tickets are on sale right now. So, Champions Grove, real quick, the whole pitch is there's a castle in Hocking Hills, Ohio called Ravenwood Castle. It is a castle, hotel, event space, and on Memorial Day weekend, we have rented it out, me and the Champions Grove folks, and I'm bringing in some game hosts and, you know, people who do amazing projects in the TTRPG space to run games. You guys come in, we run the games for you, you play games with each other, we have events, we have fancy dinners, we have all kinds of stuff that you can. You're going to meet a bunch of cool people. I went to the first one, it was a delight. Thank you, Justin. And that's Memorial Day weekend, and we have accommodation packages for two to four people. You rent out the accommodation, and that also is going to give you, when you get the accommodation package, you get access to the event, and then you're going to reserve the hotel room through Ravenwood Castle. You can find out all the information, championsgrove.com. It's there. That's also where you can get the packages, but like I said, it's on sale now, and the spots are limited, so don't wait. Championsgrove.com. Two more quick things. I did write a Choose Your Own Adventure book. It comes out March 10th next year. It's called The Stowaway. You can pre-order that at bit.ly slash griffinstowaway, and we also have a reveal, the cover, for the final Adventure Zone graphic novel adaptation, written by us and our dad, illustrated by Carrie Peach, the Adventure Zone story and song. That one comes out on July 14th. July 14th, and you can pre-order that at theadventurezonecomic.com. It's a lot of stuff happening next year. Oh, and thanks to Montaigne for the use for our theme song, My Life is Better With You. It's a great one. Great track. We got a fear, Trav, that we want to be faster than this year. We'll be sure to do it, John Stan, would you like to read that? This year, I'm going to go faster than my fear of a large flock of birds coming down and taking me away into the sky forever. Fair enough. Clean. Simple. Simple and clean. My name is Justin McElroy. I'm Travis McElroy. I'm Griffin McElroy. This has been My Brother, My Brother, May he kiss your dad square on the lips. I'm with you. My life It's better, it's better with you My life It's better, it's better with you Because it's true It's better, it's better with two My life It's better with you Maximum Fun A workaround to your life. Network of artist-owned shows. Supported directly by you.