Matteo Lane Returns

(bell dings) Wave. - Are you in therapy? - Yeah. - Really? - Are you kidding? - That's a week? - Yeah, once a week. - Hour? - Yeah, one hour a week. - One hour a week. - Guy or girl? - Guy. - Older? - Yes. - Yes? - How's it going? - Good. He's really great. - What are you talking about in there right now? - Well, I'll put it. (laughing) (upbeat music) - Mateo, you know where we have to start. - Yeah, yeah. - I'm having a crazy morning. Do you want me to read the messages? - Or do you want to read the messages? - Yes. - Here's what I want to say. I'm going to give you the messages to read. - Okay. - But I want to let the listeners know. This morning, I had a lovely little morning. I got up, I walked in the rain to a coffee shop. I go to all the time in my neighborhood. And let's not say the name. I don't want to put them on blast. But I go to a coffee shop. I go in there, I order, I tip well. I smile at everybody. It's a place that I go, you know? And then after I leave, they DM me on Instagram today. Six minutes after I walked out the door, and they said, "Hey, were you in earlier and took one of the books?" (laughing) And I thought about not responding because I was like, I don't know what this could possibly mean and I don't want to be involved. But I'm a curious guy. - By the way, they're writing still. So you said it like, and this, by the way, is shocking enough, and then you said, "Yeah, I was in it. I got a lot to the sandwich." No book, like very nice, you know? 'Cause obviously we're still trying to maintain like a good relationship. And you go, "I actually need to know what y'all messaged me, why y'all messaged me this, what was the book?" And they go, and I'm telling you, this is-- - You're not believe the response. - It like short circuit wrote this. (laughing) - I guess at the same time you were here, one of our cookbooks was taken from the pile. We were clearing the shelves and, well, because we're renovating anyways. One of the baristas, in a fit of mistaken identity, told me that you were here. And I must have confused who she was pointing at. I didn't mean to DM with any malice. So my sincerest apologies wasn't looking to make an enemy. (laughing) And then they end it with, you're quite good at what you do. We are fans. - We are fans. You can't be fans. (laughing) - So I messaged back and I said, "I cannot stop laughing." (laughing) This was an insane series of messages, but I'm sorry somebody stole from me all heartbreak emoji. They just messaged back and said, "Dude, I just looked the security camera. You guys cross paths right in front of the shelves. We owe you a drink. You just tell the baristas that you're one of the accused. - What? (laughing) - What? (laughing) - You just tell the baristas that you're one of the accused and they should know what's up. Have a great day. - No. - What? - What? (laughing) - Are all the accused? (laughing) - I'm in a class of the accused. (laughing) And also, why do you still have to do more work? - I have to come in and tell them I'm the accused. - Hi. - I'm the accused. - And I want my coffee. (laughing) - Mind you, I don't need a free coffee. I didn't need a free cookbook. (laughing) - Imagine going up to the counter and going, "Hello, I am one of the accused and I'd like to collect my free latte." - She looks like this. She's like one second. She's like hitting her red button out of the house. (laughing) You should go in tomorrow and you should say, "Hi, I'm one of the accused." I'd like a cup of latte and a bacon egg and cheese. And also, how much is that cookbook in the back? (laughing) And see what they give you for free. Because I think they owe you a free cookbook. - They owe me the cookbook. I actually, also what I really want from them and what I might ask for is a copy of the security footage because what you're gonna see, I was having kind of a magical morning. What you're gonna see is me, headphones in, standing with my coffee, waiting on the sandwich, smiling ear to ear, listening to Donnie Hathaway. Literally Hathaway. Donnie Hathaway. - At this Christmas. - Yes. - I was literally singing that coming in here. - Yes, and I was standing there smiling and I remember, I literally remember standing there and being like, "God, I'm in such a good mood today." And I was smiling at this moment who didn't smile back and I was like, "It doesn't matter." So they're gonna see on the camera, a guy just blissed out, waiting on his sandwich and then a thief stealing a cookbook and crossing paths with me. They're gonna see you sort of in your own Netflix Christmas movie like acting like, "It's gonna be fine." - You know what I mean? - And while holding my hand here with both hands. While the real accuser. - The accused, dude. I can't believe I'm one of the accused. This is the craziest thing. - That's great. - And it's like also, what kind of, I go in there all the time. I just can't imagine the long game I would be playing to steal a cookbook at this hour. That's what I said to Caleb, I go, so that means just like a year or not, you've been going to this coffee shop and every day you're just staring at that cookbook. And you're like, "I need this rush, like it's a high, like I need the book." - Yeah. - And I need to steal it. Today's the day, like it's a rainy day. It just is crazy. - Well, you know, the funniest thing I could do now is go in there and steal a cookbook. I go in there tomorrow and steal a cookbook. - Do you want me to do it? - I mean, we should send every famous comedian we know in there to steal a cookbook and just see how many we can get away with. And you imagine if we got like a line of comics. - Yes. - Like if it was like you, me, Sydney Marie, Ricky Glazer, like let's get like, and each and every single one of us steals a cookbook. (laughing) - And then we eventually, they just, but they put up a sign that's like no comedians. (laughing) - Well, they should have that sign everywhere. - Let's make that sign more realistic now. - Yeah. - Oh my God. Well, how's your morning? - My morning's fine. I did a couple podcasts with Nick and that's pretty much it. He had his Christmas show last night. - That you saw him, he's saying just a bunch of Christmas music is good. - You, you know, I wish I had a bit more, I really, for your audience, I wish I had a better answer than that. - No, that's beautiful, Matteo. - It's so beautiful. - It's good as you are. - Well, mine was crazy. I wasn't expecting to have like, Lord defining experiences this morning. - Yeah, it was a bit unhinged, I think. - It all happened 'cause a gay guy canceled breakfast on me. - Really? - My gay guy friend. - Oh, who? - It wasn't a day's day's name. - AJ Markeen. - Why did he cancel? - AJ Markeen. - Did his boss put some unexpected meetings on his calendar? Quit your fucking job. I don't like, this is my thing with my friends lately. Am I trying to plan a Christmas New Year's trip to maybe like Portugal or something? And everyone, oh, I have my job. I can't afford the flight. Quit your job. Find a way to make money for the flight. - Can I say this is why you were so good on Z-Way. You on Z-Way was honest. Like, if she ever asked me to that show, I would join the witness protection program. Like, I am so sensitive and horrified. I could never handle it. And you came in that show. Only you and Bob walked into that show and you're like, now it's, I'm the captain now. (laughing) You were afraid of anything you said. You had an answer for everything she said. Like, you're so powerful. - I'm just kidding around is the thing, but people do get mad at me. I did, I was surprised. I really will tell you, Mateo. I left doing that Z-Way taping. 'Cause the whole time I was being ridiculous. - Right. - And annoying. - And annoying at all. You were extremely entertaining. I left the taping thinking like, this might actually be the one that really does me in. Like, I left with a feeling in my stomach that was like, 'cause when I'm telling you, they, the edit, like they put in the moments where Z-Way was like laughing and being sweet. And I like Z-Way a lot as a person. - Yeah. - But during the recording, that crew doesn't laugh. Z-Way doesn't break. She, they film like two-minute silences. Like, you'll say something. Like, she'll be like, anything you wanna apologize for. And I'll, you know, I'm like, oh, slavery. Yeah, I'm sorry. And I'm like being, you know, facetious, like playful about it. - Right. - And then two minutes of silence. No one's moving Z-Way's not breaking eye contact. - She's so good. - She's kind of, and I was like, I was like, oh, 'cause you don't know what the edit's gonna be. I was like, this might be the end of me. - I remember one time I, I was on stage and a drunk white woman was heckling me, which is 99% of the people that heckled you. And she kept talking and talking and talking. And it was like, there's she wanted the attention. So I said, okay, I said, it's obvious that you want attention and it doesn't matter what I say. So I'll give you the attention. And I put the mic in the mic stand and I sat down and I just stared at her. And I didn't move for a solid three and a half minutes which is a really long time. And she was panicking. She was like, okay, I'm funny. Go back to self. Now go to your show now. You know, and I just sat there like, 'cause I was like, Z-Way, I just sat there. (laughing) - Was the rest of the audience doing anything or really? - Everyone was uncomfortable. - There was only like eight people there. It was at the stand, the old stand way back in the day, like in 2015 or something. - Yeah. - It is fun to imagine you doing this and like, this old outfit or now though. - You're doing this and if you want the attention, fine, you know. - Three minutes. - It's sold out room, just watching like, when is he gonna move on? - I don't really get not kind of what hecklers like that is so much anymore. - Well, I think, yeah, there's a larger barrier to entry. I think heckling is such a starting out thing because a lot of times they came out to the venue to see a comedy show and they didn't know who was gonna be there. But like your audience coming to the theater to see you that they've waited months to come to, it's just a different energy. - Well, one woman in Madison the other week didn't realize who I was and she came and then she was heckling me and she wouldn't stop and then when she left, I kept talking shit about her 'cause she could hear me in her common bathroom and then she went to the manager and said she was offended and they asked why and she said because I didn't know it was a gay show. So then we had the rest of her of them kicked out and so that was, that was that. - In her defense, it was a gay show. - Imagine, yeah, imagine you don't want to go to a gay show and then you come to one of your shows. (laughing) - It's like, in her defense. - You're right, you know what? - I was wrong. - 'Cause that would be so jarring. - I should have apologized to her. - To be like, oh, I'm gonna have a nice night of straight heterosexual comedy and then end up in a material and show is like, yeah, you're gonna be a little thrown off. - It's uncomfortable. - Yeah. - Well, I had Evan Williams open for me but that's barely straight so I don't know. - No. - Yeah, that is so funny. - But how have you been? How was Chicago? - Baby, it was good. I am, I don't know. I'm now reached a point, I've been, I've had like two or three weeks off of like not doing, not having things to do on purpose. And I'm getting, starting to get restless. - Yeah. - Which is, you know, obviously the mental illness that I am saddled with. It's like, get a grip, man. Like I really, there's something wrong with me. But yeah, of course I'm restless. I'm trying to figure things out. I'm dating. I'm walking a lot. - Okay. - Yeah, I don't know. I'm like, when you're going to walk, are you listening to music podcasts, YouTube? What are you? - I am doing one of two things. I am either listening to absolutely nothing and like trying to romanticize the sounds of the city. Like, is psychopath? - That's really, I mean, that's crazy. - No, there's something wrong with that. I'm walking around with the purpose of trying to think and be creative. And I'm like, you can't have music in your ears. You need to just like be on your walk. That's psychotic and I'm doing it. - Or I'm listening to the same song, like 15 times in a row. - What's the song you're listening to right now? - Lately, Fuck Me Eyes by Ethyl Cain. - Work. - Do you know it? - Nope. - Oh my god, this song is incredible. - It's called Fuck Me Eyes. - Fuck Me Eyes, Ethyl Cain. This young woman knows how to make a tune. - Yeah. - I'm loving, Fuck Me Eyes by Ethyl Cain. Or, oh, oh, oh, oh, waiting demo by Amber Marks. - I'm such an old, I'm still, I'm like, I listen to like, Sarah Vaughan. Like the most, like I listen, I love Samara Joy. She's like the most, that's all jazz. - Yeah. - So that's beautiful. - Is it? - I've been listening to a lot of Fantasia. - Okay, I shot on the show, shot on the show. Put me back on Fantasia. - Fantasia, she did a duet with Jennifer Hudson once in like 2000. Do you know what I'm talking about? And do you remember the beginning when they're talking to each other? You know, our be back in the day, they would always like have like a dialogue in the beginning. Well, I don't know why they didn't stop her, but Fantasia might just say allow me to introduce myself. She says allow me to introduce myself. - Yeah. - And I was like, you know, this is relatable to your audience. - Yeah, gay men get it. - They are douching themselves. - Fantasia's unbelievable. - Let me ask you a question. And I'm keen on asking pretty much anyone who will listen this question. Have you heard from the Sing movie soundtrack? - Answers yes. - The Tori Kelly, Jennifer Hudson, Hallelujah. - Yes. - Wow. - Yeah, I also listen to Tori Kelly's singing. ♪ Then a save a little prayer for you ♪ - Yeah. - I love Sing too, by the way. That old lizard lady, when she busts it up the car and she pull back up, she's like, "It's a full tank of gas." - I love that one, man. - What is the, is that the exact, is it, say a little prayer for you? Yes, is my best friend's wedding? - Yeah, but I mean, it's a wreath of Franklin. Well, it's Deon Warwick. - Yes. - It's Burr Packer Act, Deon Warwick, a wreath of Franklin. - No, of course, but the iconic dinner table scene I've never seen that movie. - What? - Mateo, I know. I don't like those, I don't love those kind of movies. It's, I can't. I could barely get through Steel Magnolia without laughing. - Oh, Mateo! - But I've seen Steel Magnolia. I've had to, you know, your veins. But, um, yeah. - Was that laughing you said? Well, because it's funny when you watch it. Now, it's so over dramatic. Like, it's so dramatic. - Mateo. - I'm not laughing at like, Julie Roberts dying, but I mean, the last thing she said before she died was spaghetti, and then she fell down. (laughing) So, you know, there's something funny in there. - My best friend's wedding is an iconic film. - I know, and it's got Julie Roberts and Cameron Diaz. (laughing) And, and the gay British guy, what's his name? - Yes, oh god, damn it. - Which Madonna did like a tour in New York and like the late 90s Broadway of light. - Don't say it, don't say it. - He's a rooper, a rooper ever. - Yeah, and they did a movie together. But Madonna went around in New York in the late 90s, and she was a promoting ray of light with him. And Kathy Griffin's joke back then was that she said, "Actually, every other work is she wanted to sound more British." Like, she was de Kinsey and she was like, "Look, me thinks she's my own apartment." Like, she was so British at that time. - Yeah. - Yeah, I have a question. Yeah. "Would you consider finding some time on both of our calendars for us to watch my best friends wedding together?" - I would do it with you. - I would really like that, 100%. - 'Cause I actually want to cry right now because that movie is so important to me. But so, how are you when you watch movies? 'Cause you didn't grow up in an Italian family. So, - No. - What is it like when you watch a movie? Do you just sit and watch it? - Well, we can do whatever you want. What do you want to make pasta and toss? - No, no, that's, you need to, okay, it's like when you watch a movie, what's your experience with a movie? Like, so you're gonna watch my best friends wedding. - Okay, so we're at my apartment. We're watching my best friends wedding. Is that the scene? - Yeah. - That's the setting. It's a movie I deeply love that you've never seen before. I'm expecting total silence and obedience. (laughing) When I'm showing someone a movie I love that they've never seen before, if you wanna talk about something, this would need to happen. You go, wait, wait, I have a thought. I pause it and you go, okay, you tell me your thought and then we go back to watching. And if I see you on the phone, ooh, I won't be on the phone. If I am showing you a movie that I love and you haven't seen it and I see you on the phone, it's like you've, it's like you've killed me. - Okay, I'm really, I'm anxious right now. Like, is it like, I have a lot of anxiety going through me. I, let me just say this, I went to go see Wicked for good. - Yeah. - And there were eight of us. - That's the second one. - And it was me. - Sydney, Washington, Marie Boston, Roosevelt Baker, Onika, Amina, and Nick. And how do you think the rest of the theater felt about us? - I'm, I can't imagine good. The manager was called a few times. (laughing) We were laughing so hard. At one point when Onika, when Glinda turned to Alphaba and said, "And I know there's Blaine to share." Onika said, "Blame to share." You killed her fucking sister. (laughing) Me and Amina were shaking of laughter. Rosebud's just vaping. I mean, at this point. - And this goddamn face. - It was so, actually Sydney couldn't come that night. She was, first she was, so she called you. 'Cause how was it? And I call her like, "Well, I mean, yes, the gay guy in front of us was really upset." Like, we really upset him. He bought those tickets probably before. He was even produced the movie. (laughing) You know, Amina and I were making really rude jokes. And like, when Mademorable was summoning the tornado, I just couldn't get enough of how. Like, she was stormed from the X-Men. - Yeah. - Yeah, they didn't like it. Anyway, so when I grew up, my mother is, you know, Italian in Mexican, right? So that, I grew up with a lot of women who are just these Latin women. And they're very loud. And they're very, like when I called my aunt Cindy, she's ready for a comeback at any second. I call her and I said, I was watching JLo's 73 questions. I said, and Cindy, they asked JLo what her legacy was. So I'm gonna ask you first. What do you think JLo's legacy was? And without missing a beat, she said, "Well, not music." (laughing) So she ended up posing. She goes, "She can pose." So, not posing. - I'm nervous. - Beautiful gowns. - That's a beautiful gowns ass comment. - Gorgeous gowns. - Beautiful gowns. So when I grew up watching TV, I grew up with the TV on, but I just never really heard what was happening on it. 'Cause everybody is yelling. We're all trying to be as funny as possible where we scream and yell at the TV. So that's how I enjoy TV. But I can contain myself and come over and I will do my best. And I will silently watch, phone will be off. I'm very respectful. - Thank you. - But then we need to do a second round where we sit down and we can scream at it. - Yes. - Okay. - Look, here's what I'm saying. It's just such an important movie to me. There can be some light commentary. But what I don't like, especially when it's me and you, like, okay, if it's just me and you, commentary is like cool because we can ebb and flow and feel where the other ones at. When it's three or four people and the commentary gets out of control, all of a sudden it's a competition, especially with gay people, where we're in like a seventh layer of irony. And it's like, and it's like me if I was her shoes right now. Oh girl, don't step on me. And it's like, shut the fuck up. What are you talking? It gets to this place where I'm just like, we are so far removed from the point. I can't stand it, Mateo. I, yeah. (laughing) Feeling targeted? - I mean, I watch a lot of Christmas movies with Nick. - Yeah. - And it's screaming. At one point we paused so Nick could scream at the top of his lungs. Like, we get very passionate by the drag queen. We get very passionate when we watch movies. - Yeah. - But I can do it for you. I can sit down and have light commentary and do it. - Yeah. - I am really nervous. So I like, I got like anxious when you said that. - I felt you shift. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - I felt you shift. - I felt you shift. - I felt you shift. - I felt like I hurt my friend. - Yeah. - I felt you get really anxious in January. - But what's the matter that you watch just scream at? Like, I just watched white Christmas with Caitlin Palufo because we just endlessly yell at how stupid that movie is. - Yeah. - So do you have movies where you yell at them? - No. - No. - No. - I don't know, I don't think so. - But you have to understand, I wasn't raised, I wasn't raised Italian or any, there was no, I was raised white rural. - Right. - So the movie going experience is supposed to be like silent reverence, or bordering on punishment. (laughing) - I went to see, I remember the first time I went to a black movie and a black movie theater and I was opened up to how fun you could actually have in life and I was so excited, but also I was shocked. I didn't know that you could have fun at the theater. - Yeah. - I mean, we went to the theater to be like, quiet and watch the movie. I went and saw, and I think it was maybe a Kevin Hart special that they were showing in theaters and I went to the AMC in Kansas City on Ward Parkway and it was an all black audience and then like me and three other unaffiliated white people. And the other three white people obviously had been around the block before and knew that it was gonna be like loud and fun and participatory. I did not. So the first time that everyone jumped up and started like throwing shit and screaming, I thought there was like a shooter. I was like something has happened. Like I had a gut reaction of like, oh fuck. And I had the time of my life, but I haven't learned how to stand in that myself yet. - I'm gonna, one time when you're back in Chicago, I'm gonna bring you to my aunt's house. And we can sit down and watch when we get with all my cousins. There's 34 of them. And you'll experience, will get you, will warm you up. - I wanna get to, I wanna get to that place. - Okay. - I'd like to be screaming at the television. - Yeah, it's so fun. - I would love to let loose, I dream of letting loose. - I went to, it's good to see people who talk at the theater when it's a scary movie, Amber Nelson. You know, Amber Nelson, she's a comedian, she's an L.A., she's really funny. When she was living in New York, we went to go see, I think it was some scary movie. I think the nun, like a really shitty, that's, and that is one of the worst movies ever, the nun. And there's no plot, there's no rhyme or reason. The whole movie was just, she's slopped. But I love it. I'll watch it all the time. And when we first like, the nun's coming down, the music's like, you know, the scary shitty music. And Amber, in a quiet theater, oh Jesus, fucking Christ, like it's, I love it. - Yeah. - But I know we might get kicked out, that's fine. I don't really care. - Have you been kicked out of a theater? - Yeah, many times. - I'm gonna tell you. - I know, me, Marie and Sidney almost got kicked out of it. We went to go see it, and we were really loud. - Yeah, I need to call Sidney because she has texted me three times and said, "When are you back in town?" And I've said, "Right now." And she said, "We have to hang out." And I go, "Yeah." And then the other night, I walked into Union Hall and she was waiting on a car at the doorway. Gorgeous hat, gorgeous looking fabulous. And we gave a big hug and I was like, "Will you stay and hang out?" And she's like, "No, I wanna go home." But I'll see you soon. And we have not connected. We just keep not making this happen, it's bad. - Oh, I should just call me. I was with her last night at Union Hall and we took a car together in the. - She's always at Union Hall, waiting for a car. She's always waiting for a car at Union Hall. - Yeah. - Yeah, that's Sidney's story. - Yeah. - No movies, I'm not, I don't love movies. I'm not a huge movie person. - I'm gonna see if they message me back. - They absolutely message you back. - No, it's still the message about them owing me a coffee and being the accused. (laughs) - Really kidding. - Jody Foster movie? - The accused. - Yeah. - I don't know. - I think it was, was it? - Yes, Jody Foster, Kelly McGinnis. - It's a really, it's at the plot's not good. - Do you know what else we should watch together? - What? - Silence of the lambs. - Right. You haven't seen it? - No, I have seen it. - I didn't love it. - No, that's something I would scream at. - No, we would scream at that, okay. Oh no, no, no, we should watch the Princess Switch. - What? - The Princess Switch, it's the perfect movie to scream at. - Yeah. - It stars Vanessa Hutchins. - Do you know the movie you've ever seen? - No, it's a wonderful film. It stars Vanessa Hutchins from high school music. - Of course, yeah. - And she is a baker in Chicago. There she is. She's a baker in Chicago. - Yes. - And she works with this complete homosexual that's him on the left, but who, the whole movie is pretending to be straight and has this, there's a whole thing. Anyhow, so she is a baker in Chicago. She wins a competition, my accent. She wins a competition to, I think, Aldovia, some made up country in Europe that also celebrates Christmas the same way we do. So she flies out there and it explicitly bumps into Vanessa Hutchins, who's a princess. And she'll, the princess can't take the royal duties. So they decide, I'll a Lindsay Lohan parent trap to learn about each other's lives and switch roles then fun and sus. - Yeah. - You know what that reminds me of. I now pronounce you Chuck and Larry. That was an Adam Sandler movie on a boat or something. - No, not on a boat, you wish. This isn't Adam Sandler though. - This is Adam Sandler. And this, what made me think of it as you saying, they decided to learn about each other's lives because what happens is, Kevin James, that was a, is a male widow. And he has two kids. - Yes, that was their call of male widow. - What is a male widow? - A widower. - A widower. - A widower. - A widower. - A widower. - A widower. - He's a male widow. - So he's gone around killing women's husbands to the widower. - He's a male widow. And he, and Adam Sandler are New York City firefighters. And they, he learns that he can get like health insurance or his penchant or something if he has a gay partnership. - Oh. - For some reason. And they decide to enter into a fake gay partnership to get the benefits that he needs. And Adam Sandler, of course, is a playboy. He's love's ladies. And, but they have to be gay. And so then, there's a guy who works for the government, Steve Buschimmy, who's trying to out them as a fake gay couple. - This guy? - Yeah. - That's a fake gay couple. Jessica Biel is the lawyer that's trying to help them get gay married convincingly. And yeah, they have to like learn everything about each other and make a fake life together. - Well, it has a 15% on Rotten Tomatoes. - They're wrong. - And I, I think I'm on your side. - They're wrong. - I think this kind of slop, slacks, what are the shlock? Is that the word I'm looking for? - Yeah. - This sort of shit comedy from the early odds. - Yes. - It's coming back. I think that this now went from offensive to this is our new Shakespeare. - I genuinely like it. - I would watch it. - Oh my gosh. - So there's an artisty Rob Schneider doing something in wildly offensive. - There's an Rob Schneider Asian character that of course we should not be having in there. - Rob Schneider is going to hell when he dies. - I hope it's from Caroline's years ago and he's almost fired me on the spot. This is like 2013. And I was like an up and coming comic. And they were like, can you, because Caroline's gonna be a headlining club. And they were like, can you host for Rob Schneider this weekend? And in my head, I'll take anything, you know? And I put on a suit and I look like shit. And I don't wear suits. I hate today wearing suits. And I just bombed so hard for the Rob Schneider audience. And he was screaming at me off the side of the stage to get the fuck off the stage. - No, he was not. - Yeah, he was. - While you were on stage. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's like, get the fuck off the stage. To be fair, I was absolutely not the right fit. - Right. - For the show. - Yeah. - And that's my only, oh, and then I met him years later, I did the David Spade show in Comedy Central. And he was sitting next to me or, you know, it's like those jokes, you're making jokes, it's those shows, but a lot. Anyways, he looked at me and he was like, you're very, very funny. What's your name? Where are you from? And I didn't want to say you fired me at Caroline's when I wore a suit, but that's my memory of Rob Schneider. And he was wearing that outfit from that movie. - You don't want to be good at opening for Rob Schneider. - No. - No, I don't like his audience. He's a fucking hack. - He's terrible. - But you know when you're 26 and you don't have, you live in a toilet and you're at, you're trying to perform and they're like, do you want to open for Rob Schneider? And I was like, awesome. And then I bombed. - Yeah. - I don't think they like gay people. - No, I don't think they do. I don't think they do. - Lesson learned. - He's doing like, mega rallies and shit now. - Is he? - I don't really, that was the last time I ever experienced anything with Rob. - He's one of those, it's an interesting thing that's happened to him that's happened to a couple of celebrities in the Trump era, which is they're so hard up for celebs endorsements that like they're reviving the careers of like practically dead bodies. Like people like Rob Schneider and Kid Rock who haven't done anything meaningful ever if in decades. And yeah, he's like, now he's a big mega guy and he's only gotten deeper into it 'cause it's the only thing that's working 'cause he's not talented. And so now we're all having to sort of deal with that. - Right, well not us, they can deal with that. - I mean they never deal with that. - That's what they're scraping the bottom of the barrel. (upbeat music) - This podcast is brought to you by Squarespace. 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Just plump, dewy, hydrated skin. That still feels like your skin. Try new groupie setting mist from Maybelline, New York. Maybe it's Maybelline. It is so funny. I just saw a clip of Carolyn Levitt, the 28 going on 70 young woman that is Trump's press secretary. It's me going on 70. She has the worst lip filler in the country, which is a lot to say she has a 60 year old husband who she has a kid with and during her husband, yes. And by the way, mind you, the clip was her saying very earnestly, you know, I think President Trump has made being Republican cool again. Girl, you busted his fuck. You're married to a 60 year old. You're praising your boss on national television. There's nothing less cool than this. I was gonna say, when you're that big of a suck up, like anything, they're like, uh, Trump yesterday, you know, said someone deserves to die and then she'll be like, and you're an idiot for even thinking. Like I'm like, how are you trying to spin this on us right now? Like we all see what you're doing. And they think they're so good at it. And it's like, you know, the people who like you are just stupid. Like, they're like, they literally will be like, so President Trump said one of the most, you know, vile things we've ever heard yesterday. And she goes, the fact that you would try to distract from the president of America first agenda, it's like, you're not slick. You stupid bitch. You look horrible in your dumb. She's working on fear. Like she, they're all working on fear, right? They're stepping into position that they know they don't want to be in, but they want some kind of power. And so they put their, it's all ego, ego, ego, but they're, they're functioning basically on fear. Yeah. She knows that her life is really on the line here. Like her job is on the line. So she just has to, it doesn't matter what Trump does or says, it's just he's fine and good and you're an idiot. She's just gaslighting everybody, but she's gaslighting herself. So that will end as everything does with him. It'll all end in shit. He ruins every relationship he ever has. And then they turn around and say, he's a monster and no one cares. That's why I think Marjorie Taylor Green is the most compelling figure in American politics right now, wild. It's crazy because she's in one breath being like, yeah, I was wrong. Donald Trump's a fraud. And he's never going to do the things he said he would do. And also we have to put trans people in prison. I just like psychotic with a flash of like the coolest thing you've ever heard. And then the most evil immediately because we have to be careful on our side to like even if someone is starting to like say things that we agree with, like we also have to like look and see what they're actually voting on before we jump ship and be like, she is one of us now. It's like, no, you know what I mean? She's just crazy lady who is kind of coming around to the fact that she was lying to herself and many others. Also, you should, you should feel bad about supporting Trump. You should feel that you got to but if you don't like trans people, if it's a fuck you, it's a no go. I don't. Yeah. That's the thing is she's supporting this like anti trans bill right now. And I'm like, okay, so. And three Democrats voted for it or something. Well, the Democrats are fucking homeless. I mean, what does it even mean at this point? I don't. I can't. Same. But yeah, I don't, I don't fucking get it. But they're, yeah, she randomly will say like some of the coolest things I've ever heard. And I'm, it's really confusing and distracting. There's a lot of people that just don't know who they are, but they really want attention and fame and to feel that they belong and the sacrifices they make to get to that place. Unfortunately, when, especially in, you know, Washington, I think a lot of them don't realize that there's a lot of people's lives in their hands. I think they're still thinking for themselves. They're lobbyists. They're, they like that attention. But I'm like, I don't think you're really interacting with the people that you're either voting for or against. No. And maybe you should also part of the issue in American politics is that people who represent a small district in Georgia of all very homogenous, small district in Georgia get by virtue of our fucked up media ecosystem and are like politician, worship thing that we have been doing for God knows why way too long. Way too long and who knows why. And I also don't like it when we do it with leftists either. But by virtue of that, now this person who represents a tiny little homogenous district in a state like Georgia has like national media attention. That doesn't make any sense. Well, they think that's the other problem too is everything on the fringe is sort of what each side goes for. And most of the things in the middle are the things that need to be worked out and no one really talks about it because it doesn't get them views. It doesn't get them clout. It doesn't get like these 50 year old senators are basically the same as a 13 year old tiktaker. They're just doing and saying what they can to get on MSNBC or Fox and talk. And you know, I get the next votes. And it's kind of, oh, I didn't think that's what you were elected for with that school. Then I think that's really why you were there. Yeah. I do love that guy. I never remember his name. But that fucked up ugly crazy old psycho from Michael Wheezy. No, not job. What was his name? No. What's his name? I was just talking about Nick at the day. He was in. He's a guy that goes like, I'm not saying you're the dumbest person alive. But you better hope to say the dumbest person alive doesn't die. Like he's like, he has like all these like witness systems. And he's on the news. He's on the news being like, I think he already claims the reason they got directions on shampoo bottles, you know, like he's insane, but he's really funny. He's funny. I was going to make a joke about he said crazy. And I was going to make a joke. It's ruined. But I'm fuck it's over. No, I, uh, anyway, anyway, it's hard to separate the artist from the person from the artistry. So to speak, but there is something great about just watching a bunch of idiots. For sure. Yeah. It's a lot of fun. I like someone who's like genuinely crazy, but like really does enjoy. Like he's like an old school Southern nut job that like just loves the performance of it all. You know, he just really wants to get a joke off at the coffee shop. He's a solo book at a coffee shop ever. I'm so distressed. He came in as an accuser. I'm so distressed by that to this moment. I want everyone to know that I wasn't able to get this position for a long time because I had a my record that I was a king just taking a cookbook from a coffee shop and I and they were going for gave them some to bitches. You killed that. Thank you. The way that you kind of rolled through that was very, you kept it going in a very correct way. I could do a lot of different accents, uh, but I can't do like, I can't make myself straight. If I make myself straight accent, I have to pretend I'm Evan, my friend Evan Williams, the comedian Evan Williams. That's the only way it can be straight. Yeah. Yeah, man, we'll show up. Don't do the lip thing. No, he doesn't have lip. Mateo, no, no, no, like that. Me turn it off. He's got back. Can't. Two. No, stop. I'm going to throw up. Mateo, don't. I'll be lies. I don't like, I like that better. Yeah. I like you as lies. My current favorite lies, a quote is she was talking about the look for cabaret and she goes, so I was talking to my dad. I said, "Do I have to pluck my eyebrows or dye my hair blonde?" He said, "No, no, no, no, no, no, darling." And he pulled the book. And he showed me Leo de Pucci and Louise Guam. And he said, "There's a way you can do that. Why aren't you going to do Broadway?" I would love to do Broadway, but can I be honest with you? A show's a week. No, I'm old. Like, I'm almost 40 and I just did five shows in Madison, which I rarely do anymore. But I was like, "I'm working on a material, so I'm going to pick up a club before this theater blah blah blah." And so I did five shows. And by the end, I was like, "I am fucking exhausted." And Evan was like, "Yeah, you're not 25 anymore." Like, five shows back to back to back in between. I'm tired. How old is Evan? Evan's 37. Okay, good. I didn't want him talking to you that way. No, no, no. And we came up in comedy together, so he knows. Good. But eight shows a week, that's. Oh, can I tell you the most Newark thing I've saw. And I'm sorry to cut you off. You didn't. Okay. I saw Audua McDonald and Gypsy. And she was phenomenal. And I went to the two o'clock show. So she has an eight o'clock show that night. So the difference between a New Yorker watching a Broadway show and a tourist is this. We're leaving and everyone's kind of stuck together getting out of the theater. And a tourist said, "She was so amazing. That was unbelievable. I feel so blessed to have seen her performance. New Yorker right next to her. She has to do this again." I'm exhausted. Yes. Yeah. I don't know how they do it, Matteo. I literally, when. Because here's the biggest thing I've learned about myself. And I probably need to change. Maybe there's some kind of medication or routine I need to go on. But I need, I need, medically, the ability to change my schedule every day at any given moment. Yeah. I need it. I need the ability to go. I'm not doing. I mean, these poor people suffer from this every week. I literally, I'll be an hour out from something I've promised to do. And I'll go, we have to push it. I can't, I'm just not, it's not the mood today. I need to be in a robe. I need to be like pushing engagements. I need to be having a doctor pepper and a wine glass. I can't be doing two shows a day. It's a lot. It's crazy. It is a lot. Two words hard for me. And I get to choose what I say up there. I mean, I can't believe. But don't you also like, I don't do the show. Like, I do weekends because I need time away from my job. Like, I get sick of my jokes. If I do two shows in a night, and then I have to fly to another city and do another show, like, and that's just three good. By like the third or fourth show, like, I'm tired of my jokes. I need some freshness. You want to be away from it. So if I'm doing a Broadway show every day, it's like, don't you ever see Alpha Buzz? Sometimes I'm Broadway. Like, and you'll see your defined gravity and you're like, aren't you exhausted of this shit? Yeah. You know what I mean? So if you care to find me, like, and it feels. Yeah. But memorizing lines is so hard. I know. I just had the hardest. We just film my movie in Chicago and I am in every single scene and have like a long dialogue and a lot of them. How did you do it? It was so fucking hard. Yeah. I tried to do most of it before the movie to just be like, I helped that I co-wrote the script. So like, some of it was in there sometimes. But it was really hard. But when you do it, like, I was in a movie called Maintenance Required and I played and have you played that role before or after? No, this was new for me. I was really uncomfortable at first, but I thought, you know, when I'm really going to like, like, dig deep down and see what I can find and turns out working at Michael's Arts and Crafts really helps. I want to talk about heated rivalry in a minute. But anyhow, I my lines were always like, girl friend, you know, like that, right? Right. And even that was hard. Yeah, even playing for me, I was like, God, this is a lot of lines. I just remember as how he says, yeah. I truly, someone at a party recently was like, oh my god, it was maybe like last year that I saw your, I had, I was in two little films that were short films that were at Sundance. I don't even remember if it was Sundance. They were at a festival. One was at is under. and two were another one, I don't remember what. But someone at a party said to me, "Oh, I just saw your short film at the festival." I said, "Oh, was I gay best friend or gay assistant?" (laughing) - 'Cause those were the two that I was, and I was like-- - Those are the only roles that you get. - That's it. - 'Cause I'm not, I mean, I'm not an actor, right? And he means, but like, when you get like, auditions like my age won't be like, "We think this is a really good one for you." And then when it is a gay role, the gay role is written by like a straight guy who is what he thinks a gay guy is. I'm like, "I'd rather AI," which I don't even stand by. Like, I'd rather try up a town to get somewhat of a, you know, I mean, instead of this sort of like, girl, I can't even believe that that's the, you know what I mean, just like this sort of like, you know, like, movies like how they talk now, it's not really how they talk. - Yeah. - You know, it's like, how's your weekend? - What if you consider me going into the airport for four hours and then having to stand there behind the most mustardy smell person I've ever met my entire life? I suppose you say that my weekend was all right? - You're like-- - Oh, wait, that is literally what they're like now. - Yeah, I'm like, that's how they talk. Like, what is this? - I'm trying to fix it. - All right, please. - I'm trying to fix it, please. - They need to have more cuss words as well. - People cuss. - They just need to listen to humans. I don't know, like what, like what, that's like the most basic research. Like, just, they need to take their headphones off at like a coffee shop with not stealing a book and listen to other people talk. - Mateo, I didn't steal it. - I was vindicated. - I don't know. - You seem nervous when I came in. - I was. - That's the crazy thing. I literally, do you know what's crazy about me? Is I was like, this is a small business that I love. There was a part of me in my head that went, did I grab a bullet? Like, which way was it? Maybe I accidentally, like it was like in the bag or something, like I was like-- - I think that's a sign that you're an empathetic person and you care that you were self-reflective enough to look at yourself and say, did I steal a cookbook while getting coffee? (laughing) Do you know me? Like, that means you're like a good person. - Yeah. - Really? - Are you kidding? - A bunch of weeks? - Yeah, once a week. - Hour? - Yeah. - Guy or girl? - Guy. - Older? - Yes. - Yes. - How's it going? - Good. - Yeah. - He's really great. (laughing) - Honestly, we're talking about right now. Like, I'm very insecure. You know, I'm really sensitive. I'm very, like, yeah, I'm just like a very sensitive person. - Yeah. - So trying to work through stuff like that. - I do know that you're very sensitive, which I love about you. Insecure kind of surprises me. What are we insecure? And how's that showing up? - I think it just, well, it shows a more impersonal life. I feel like with friendships or relationships or, you know, I really want to people please and I'm afraid everyone's mad at me. Like, very classic signs of like trauma. And on stage and in work, I'm like the opposite. Like, I've taken that kind of weakness. Now we're doing like, inside the actor's studio. But, you know, like, when you're on stage, the vulnerability is a strength. - Yeah. - And so I feel more like, I don't know, more confident, like I always feel confident on stage. That's where I feel the most comfortable and confident. - Yeah. - And then off stage, I'm like, did I hurt someone's feelings? Did someone do not, you know? - I'm always worried about hurting someone's feelings, you know? - Yeah, yeah. - That's so interesting. I don't, yeah, I don't find, I don't think, you're so thoughtful in speed. I don't think you would really hurt anyone's feelings. - It's ever, do you? Do you have you recently? - There's jokes I've made that people will write and be like, this really was offensive, you know. Oh, you can, I'm talking about you in real life. - Oh, in real life? - No, not really. I mean, I will go off on people in public, like I am from Chicago and I am Italian, like, and I am gay. So that's a terrible combination. And I will scream at people in public sometimes, but besides that, no, I'm really nice. - I had a moment yesterday, Brittany Brosky was in here recording an episode of "I Love Her." I've never met her, but you guys need to hang out. - Yeah, I would love to meet her. - She's brilliant. She's so funny and so smart. And so you guys will love each other. Actually, do you need to make that happen? - I would love it. - We were standing on the street. We had gotten lunch and we were a little stoned. We were very stoned. And two things happened at once. This guy, we're on the sidewalk, where people walk. And it's important for the story that we all agree on that. A man on a bike is biking towards us and he goes, "Excuse me, excuse me." And I go, "Yeah, excuse you. That's not what the sidewalks for, buddy. Go around." - Yep. - And then while I was doing that, a girl, one feet away, who's certainly heard me have that reaction to him, goes, "Sorry, I'm just like a huge fan. Have a good day." And I was like, "Not right now, girl. I'm giving this guy the fucking riot act about biking on the sidewalk." - No, I'm very much like a rule follower. So if I see someone on the sidewalk on a bike and stuff, I do the exact same thing. - I'm not much of a rule follower, but I am, there are certain things like that that I'm like, if you're gonna bike on the sidewalk, that's fine. You have to either wait for us to get out of the way and do it quietly or you have to go around. You absolutely do not get to yell, excuse me, excuse me. At me, when I'm doing what I meant to do. - That's right. - You get the fuck off the bike or be quiet. Those are your options. You don't get to be on the bike in the wrong place. And yeah, with me, it's three things too many. - I agree. - Yeah, I don't like that. - I still feel bad that when you came to my first show, you snapped and I yelled at you. - I remember it every day. - I still feel bad about it. - Yeah, but even though I was like, I explained it and then I told you, I was like, I was a different time. Like people, when you were the only gay comedy in these rooms and the clubs and people heckled you of a block and then I was like, no, Caleb's right. I, did I tell you, did I ever, when I told you about that, did I ever tell you the joke you were doing? - No, what was I saying? - You, I remember the joke you were doing 'cause I loved the joke and before I got humiliated by one of my favorite comics, for the uninitiated, a quick catch up is that when I was in college, I was interning in New York and I went on theskint.com to find something to do, free and cheap. And I love that website, by the way, the skint. I don't need any money from you. I love you, you're doing great work. But I found a comedy show in Brooklyn took some of my intern friends. - I got a knitting factory. - I think. - I don't think it was. - I think it was like a bar, I think it was like a bar show. - Okay. - But it was early in the, like late afternoon early evening. It was an odd kind of time to show. We were trying to squeeze it in something before another thing. I remember, and you were doing a joke that I almost brought up earlier in this episode where you were like, yeah, I'm trying to act more right now. I'm working with a voice coach because, you know, I went out for a football character and if I don't get this voicing under control, he's gonna have a secret, you know? - Yeah, yeah. And it was a Zach 19 football player. Well, Zach's gonna have a secret to share with everyone. - Exactly correct. I remember that joke. - And I loved that joke and that's when I started snapping. - I'm sorry. - I got in trouble. - I'm so sorry. - And I started snapping at Mateo's joke 'cause I hadn't been to a lot of comedy shows. - Did I made that very clear? - I started snapping and Mateo was like, oh, please, yeah, let's degrade this a little bit more. Snap at my joke. That's awesome. By the way, getting huge laughs. Everyone else in the room. Huge laughs. - I just was more aggressive back then. You know, I was like a prey in a sea of predators. Like I, you know, there was a lot of gays doing comedy. I mean, if there was like me or Joel Kambouster or like Julio Torres, they never put us on the same show. - Yeah. - So all of us got to experience separately like what that was like back in the day when we're back in May. You know, like we're doing these shows and it's all street audiences. And so I was more aggressive. Bob used to say all the times, like Mateo, it's like every time I go to a show of yours, I'm just expecting you to yell at somebody in the audience. And I'm much nicer now. - You are. - Yeah. - You've never yelled at me since then. - No. - We went many years without seeing each other again. - No. - And then we met again. - I'm so sorry. - No, it was so funny. It was complete. And also you were right. I just didn't know. So it was, I loved getting to be involved. - Yeah. - I was like, yeah, I was involved in the show. (laughing) It was fun for me. - And then you never forgot. - I did love that joke. I was auditioning, they wanted me to audition for Glee. And that was the character description. - I was like, I was, now I'm 173 pounds, I was 130. And I had one eyebrow, and I had a mullet, and I was balding, and I was gay as a picnic basket. Wearing an American apparel shirt, walking in there, they said, "Sing two bars of any song." I sang Mariah Carey's "Underneath the Stars." - What? - Mateo. - And then audition as a football player. (laughing) Shocker didn't get the part. - Didn't book, didn't book. - I did not book it. - That is so fucking funny. What do you think is the best audition you've ever had? - I don't audition a lot, so I don't know. I had one, I was like a kind of like modern day Romeo and Juliet or something, and I played sort of the character that talked like this, and did a lot of that. - And that felt really good. And I made it all the way to the end and talked to the director, and then they gave it to someone who had credits. - Yeah. - A lot of talk goes. - No one really hires me. I just sort of put things on YouTube and hope for the best. (laughing) - What do you want to do? Is there a thing that you'd love to do that you haven't done? - I think it did. - I think it did a really good talk show host. I love the show "Catty Man" with Alan Carr. - Yeah. - And I like engaging people and I like talking to people, and there could be different segments, whether it's singing or like you could be advice special, or like cooking segments, like stuff that I can kind of corporate all the things that I do together. But we need your talk show bad, do we? No genuinely, I maybe can't think of a better person to have a talk show. - I mean, I would enjoy it. It also would be something like that. I've never had a project I can sink my teeth into. I'm just kind of leapfrogging from one thing to the next. Like the only thing steady in my life is stand up. - Yeah. - Because I have a tour and that's my favorite thing to do. But everything else is like, I don't know what to do with myself. - Yeah. - Yeah. - That makes sense to me. The idea of you having a talk show is very exciting to me. - I think it'd be fun. - I like that. - I met a really good producer and we chatted for like three hours and he's, we're gonna talk in the new year. - Do you know my favorite thing anyone's done with a talk show, probably ever? Is Kelly Clarkson just deciding to do covers on her own show? - Oh, she's so, I can't stop talking about it. I love this choice. - And her voice is, she's underrated as a singer. Like she's probably one of the best voices we have today working. I mean, she can do anything with the voice. She can. I can, her fucking, that outfield song that she covered. ♪ Does he sound like a ship of that ♪ Whoa, couldn't believe it. Yeah, I like my girls a little bit older and she winks at the camera. I mean, of course, that shifted something for the lesbian community in a huge way, but it shifted something for me as well. I loved that. She has whistle tones too. She's so cool. She rarely uses them like, you know, Mariah Carey, whistle tones are on it. Like she could do anything with her voice and she's charming and down to earth. Kelly Clarkson drew Barrymore has the same quality. I love them both. They both seem like people that you would genuinely like to hang out with. Yeah, there's an earnestness and a warmth that I don't know how you be, I don't know how you be famous from as young of an age for as long as they both have drew obviously a way different and bigger thing in terms of timeline, but it still be so normal, seeming and cool. I did, when I did Drew's show in April for my cookbook, which I can give you when you don't have to steal it. I'm taking it. I want to, I look like a bio like it. But she was so wonderful. But with one point, she did something that made me laugh because she, we were, we had a really great segment and she was like, Mateo, where have you been my whole life? And I was trying to be funny. I was like, well, I know we're neighbors 'cause we live in the same neighborhood. I was like, so we could, we should hang out some time as she, this was her response. And I was like, K, we also don't have to, by the way. I was like, I thought I, I don't know, just for TV. She could have said yes, but she just, you know, she kind of just shut down like and smiled. But yeah, it was great. You say your address. You're like, I know you live out. I know you. That is so fucking funny. Mateo, what's so true to you? What's so true to me is, and I've heard my friends talk about this before, but I know it. I know we were talking about this last night that it doesn't always have to be a complaint. But there are times where I'm really tired. And I'm trying to sleep. And it's a 6 a.m. flight. And the crew is really gossiping. Stop. And that Phil Hanley talked about this before. We talked about this. And I talked about this with my friend Leo. And I love flight attendants. I'm so nice flight attendants, but that's why I'll never sit. I'll sit as like our way from that section because it's 6 a.m. I've done five shows, I'm exhausted. I just need to sleep for the next hour and a half this flight is so that I can try and get to the next show. And all I hear is, did you hear that Sandra took off yesterday with a fucking bitch? Listen, I'm not gonna trust those onion rings over there because no, throw them out. And I, and oh, you know what, here's another so true. Stop, stop calling. It's all about planes. I'm gonna make an 80s comic like my vibrator has two settings on and on. I mean, like I just shit like Zood too. But when you say mix nuts, you don't mean mix nuts. You mean almonds and friend because it's 800 almonds and one peanut and I'm fucking sick of it. I'm sick of almonds. They need to mind their own goddamn fucking business. Almonds and friend. I now when I get them, take them, put them out, separate the almonds from the rest of the nuts and then send it to me and Emani just to let her know almonds and friend. And not friends, friend, friend singular. My flight so true is, you know damn well. Every single person knows unless you are six or you've truly never flown in your life and even then basic, like common sense should tell you, you know God damn well when it is and is not appropriate to have that fucking window shade up. If it is a morning flight, you son of a bitch, put that fucking window shade down. And let me just say this, say it. Everybody else has their windows shut and you decide to be the fucking star of Bethlehem for Jesus to send the three wise men for Christmas this shining light that would make the death star blush. I don't know understand and you're just saying, and you're not even looking out the window. You just, they need their light. It's so infuriating. It's crazy. I'm like, oh cool, the Nativity scenes in 4Q. Like I don't understand, I get it. Sorry, I'm afraid about it. Well they also, anytime you bring this up, I think I feel like annoying people will be like, well I can do what I want at my seat. I got the window seat. I'm gonna beat the shit out of you. Really? You can do whatever you 12. Do you tell them to shut it? Have you ever seen it? Oh absolutely. Yeah, I did too. On a morning flight, I had a guy, there was a guy last year I was on a flight. It was a super morning flight, a early flight. It was like 6 a.m. takeoff. I don't even remember where we were going to or from. But I needed to sleep. And we were in first class. And the guy, the row over from me, I was in the window seat on my side. He was like one up and over. The perfect like fuck you light, you know what I mean? And he pulled his thing up. And I got up half my seat 'cause I do want to cross people. And I walked over and I was like, "Hey, I'm so sorry to bother you." And like totally no big deal if you don't want to. Would you mind closing that? It's an early morning flight and like many of us are trying to sleep. Yeah. And he was like, yeah, I guess. And I was like, thank you so much. Yeah. And he like angrily shut it. And I was like, I don't, you can shut that as angry as you want to brother. Shut that fucking window. Like I was very polite about it. But I was like, come on. But it also to like, by the way, flight attendance, I love you. It's just the gossiping. It's an example. But I, yeah, it's like the, you know what really? Angers me. It's the selfishness of knowing that other people around you and are upset about it and you still choose to just go off on your own. Yeah. I don't know. Listening to stuff out loud, put in headphones. I mean, I really, here's the deal. We're in public. And so I try really hard when it's not essential. If someone's just being a little annoying, like taking a loud call on speakerphone when no headphones are something, I try to go like, you know what, we're in public. That's their choice. It's my choice to ignore it. But then sometimes I go, it's also, if they have the right to do whatever they want, I also have the right to make it uncomfortable for them. Yeah, you're being rude. So I'm going to be rude to you as well. Unless they're like in their early hundreds. Like I was like, I was coming back from, I went to Cambodia and Thailand this summer and this couple next to me. I mean, like early, like these, they was mothuzola. Like there was, there was a pile of dust that they put clothes over. Like they were so old. And he had the headphones on, but they weren't obviously connected. Of course. And so he's just blasting some, like, you know, some 60s like Western movie. And I was like, should I, should I like scream at this guy? Yeah. You know, I'm like, no, like this is the last one. This is the last thing that's flight. This is the last, not even just flight. This is the last thing. Right. So let him enjoy his shitty western, you know, and his wife screaming at him. They can't hear each other. And there was something charming about that. Yeah. But if you're capable in your forties, and you're just being a dick, like, no, I'll, I have no problems fighting in public. How often have you gotten the, one of my favorite moves is the flight attendant note card when they're a fan? Yes, every time I fly. And they, but my favorite is when a gay guy does it because they always think they're being so slick. And I love the flight attendant. I love the energy of a flight attendant. But when they, the whole flight, they're kind of like, what can I get you to drink? You know, and they're being so obviously a fan. And it's like totally sweet. And I'm like, that's fine. And then they're being like extra attentive to the whole flight. And I'm like, this is lovely. And then at the, like, you know, 10 minutes before landing, all the lights are on and everything. They come over and slip you up postcard. And they're like, yeah, and then, and then the postcard is like, Diva, your work slaves, Diva. I love you, girl. Thank you for flying down to girl. And then there's like a little wings with it or something. I'm like, this is to me what it's all about. It's almost every flight. I fly every weekend. And it's like last flight I was flying back from London. And the one flight attendant walked in. I was like, oh, and like that. And like, hello, you know. And then he says something to me, like sometimes I think they're trying to be funny, but then they don't really. He was like, he's like, yeah, I know that you may share a friend. His name is Brett. He's a singer in Vegas. I'm like, oh, yeah, I know Brett. He goes, yeah, so you know, Brett says hi. But also my friend Adam just wanted to let you know to calm down. And I was like, I don't know what that means. But great for making me feel more insecure the rest of the flight. So, but he was nice. He was trying. I don't know if he thought he was being funny. And then the other one walked by. The very end of the flight is like, my husband would be so jealous. He knew that I was here. Could we get a photo together? I'm like, sure, that's fine. We can take a photo. But I just came off as an ex. So I'm sorry. I look like this, you know, and say Photoshop. My friend Adam, that is such a specific gay guy backhanded. Like, I really don't like that kind of thing. Same. It's like it will ruin me like for weeks. They'll take me weeks to recover from that. But then I just smile. Do you think there's some people that only know how they're insecure or they're nervous or they're anxious people and the way they relate is either like by saying like backhanded comments or compliments or they're mean and they think that they're being funny. I can't quite articulate it. Yes. But there are those people and then you're just sort of like, oh, you're just an asshole. I feel that what's happening a lot of times in those situations is two things. Number one, people don't realize that being silent is an option. You really don't have to say anything. You really just family doesn't know this option. Being silent is on the table. No one has taken it from you. It's number one and number two. I feel like the reason it makes me feel so sad and disconnected is not because you said something rude to me. I'm not thin-skinned. It's actually, it makes me feel a little inhuman because I was not approaching the conversation obsessed with a power imbalance between us. I was not thinking of me as an important person and you as an important person, but you are coming and swinging, trying to claw some kind of power away from me to be like, you're trying to put me in my place like preemptively or something to be like, you're not going to get me. I wasn't trying to get you. Right. I'm a normal human being going through my day. You're feeling insecure because you are a fan of mine or think I'm somebody. And so now you're trying to like, spar with me to prove that you're worthy of having the conversation. I was thinking of that. They think that they're impressing you, and reality, you're like, no, I'm just as sensitive as you are. I wasn't going to talk to you crazy. I don't know why you're talking to me crazy. I don't know you. That's the other thing. my friends sparring and being silly and like throwing daggers at each other for fun because we're very close friends doing our job as entertainers. And then you think we're going to do that on Delta Flight 370 and it's like, baby, I don't know you. What's going on? I just, it's very confusing. Yeah. Yeah. I'm just, yeah, I think you're right. I think people have like an idea of like, we're always ready to, you know, jab each other and you can take it and that can, you know, but in reality, I'm like, I'm just listening to Mariah Carey right now and kind of sad. So, you know, if you don't mind, yeah, if you don't mind, I need to do that for the eighth time again. So let me just do that. You peen a lot on those. I pee all the, I have to pee now. I have to pee all the time. I always have to pee. It's a problem. Mateo, I think you know what time it is. Yes. But the way you took that paper and put it down, I felt like I was in trouble. You are. Okay. You are. Well, we'll see if you are or not. I'm going to read you 15 statements. Okay. You're going to tell me as quickly as you can, if you think what I just said, I fucked up the last time. Remember how bad I was? No, we never remember. Okay. You're going to tell me as quickly as you can. If you think what I just said was true or false, you get 10 or more correct, Mateo. We're going to give you 50 US dollars. I'm really nervous. You ready? Yeah. Okay. South America has more nations than Africa. False. False. Nicholas Craig Milele. Excuse me. Nicholas Craig Milele was the captain of the Titanic. False. False. It was Edward Smith. The largest known animals to have ever existed. True. True. She's cake was invented in Italy. False. False. It was Greece. John Hershey High School's yearbook is called the Husky Review. True. False. It's the endeavor. Walter Payton is the NFL's all-time leading Russia. False. False was Emmett Smith. The movie returned, the movie returned to Oz came out in 1985. True. True. Human babies have more bones than human adults. True. True. That was that true? That fallout. They shouldn't be bones. Well, whatever. I got it right. The first successful electric car in the U.S. was made in 1890. False. True. Oh. A Chicago handshake is a shot of reward in a bush light. True. False. Old style. Oh, is it old style? Really? Yep. Have you had that before? Yes. Yes. It's horrible. Hate. It's really bad. Hate. Yeah. Door dash is older than postmates. Earth's rotation is slowing down. I thought it was speeding up. True. False. What did we say again? False. True. The world's oldest cat lived to be 26 years old. True. False. 38. Oh. 38. No, no. That's Mateo. Put it down. I don't give a shit. 38 years old. It has to be true. This is a full-time job. That may mean mad. Mount Etna is your Europe's tallest active volcano. True. True. Have you? Yeah, many. That's my family that lives near there. Whoa. Storm from X-Men is claustrophobic. Yes. That's very true. True. How do you do on row? Oh, no. Very good, though. Very good. That was way better than last time. How'd you do last time? I don't recall. I just remember fucking it up. I didn't do well. I'm not good at this stuff. I get nervous. I'm gonna go back and see how many you did. I don't think you did that bad last time. Does any of these things, like any kind of like true false, like, I'm just, I rapid fire. I'm nervous. Like, thinking about it. You did great. Um, Mateo, thank you so much for doing it. Do you want to tell people where they can find you with this? Should we be watching? Yes. I will. I'm on tour. So go to my tailingcomedy.com and, um, that's pretty much it. I love doing it. We really do. We're not to be Sydney. But we do need to hang out. We do. I know we're always running around and filming and we listen to that and out. But you mean Sydney should all hang out. We need to have a day. And we need to watch my best friends wedding. We really do. I wonder if she's seen it. I wonder if I can put both of you all on. I don't. Maybe Sydney has seen it. Okay, thank you for doing it. Thank you for doing it too, thank you so much for joining us out. Ciao.