Matteo Lane - Nick Smith w/ Mark Normand & Sam Morril - We Might Be Drunk Podcast

(upbeat music) - Exactly. - Are we on, are we on? Are we rolling? - I didn't understand that I only wore a hat. - That's true, actually. - You didn't have hair. - Yeah, since the procedure. - I think you've seen my hat. - I've never worn it. - Are we rolling? (laughing) - Backwards is the first for me, I'll give you that. - No, I've seen you, it gets back in a day. - Oh no, you're right, you're right, I remember that guy. - That was the day. - The flap rim, yeah, you did that. - The first one's the one that they still use for New York comedy club. - No, you should probably update that. - Lot of cleavage here. - Yeah, you're showing this off. - You're showing this off. - Yeah, good hair, just hair. - Well, we got Matteo and Nick on the panel. - Hey! - We're starting, yeah, we're on. - Good to have all these thighs are looking real good. - Thank you, you don't skip leg day. - I appreciate that. - Twice a week. - Twice, yeah. - I hate doing the legs. - Me too. - You said to force yourself to do them. - Just don't do them. - Yeah, there you go. - There you go. - You don't, nothing. - This year, I've decided to enter a health and wellness era. - Okay, I'm not saying we can't say bad. - I wet my whole life without ever working out a day in my life. - Wow! - This year, I decided to enter the fitness space. I do Pilates. - Okay. - I'm not good at it, but I go. - You got a good frame. - Like if you were ripped, you could, - What are you, six or four? - If you were ripped, what does that mean? - He doesn't want me. - What do you want, Nick, with your arms? - I feel that I have petite arms and I like it more. - Okay, six, four, great shoulders. - Can you describe my arms as petite? - You're gonna lift up the sleeve. - That's a wet noodle. - Yeah, that's fucking crazy. - Yeah, that's petite. - This is whole life. - Yeah, that is. - And I like it. - Okay. - That's like olive oil from Popeye. - That was crazy. - The Victorian ghost. - That's what I'm going for. - Okay. - That's your look. - The green ghost, exactly. - All right. - Everyone's a look like that. - Yeah. - You look great. - I tell you all the time. - Uh-oh. You guys beefin', what's going on? - We beef every day. - Okay. - We can have this after the "Are You Garbage" episode. This is too much beef. - Dude, drugs are, Nick. - I don't, I just steal his. (laughing) - Neither one of us does drugs. I drink like once every five months. Nick has never had a drink in his life. - I never drink in my life. - I never go. - I never go. - All drugs in my life. - Whoa. - It's the vice. - Also, the Victorian ghost aspect of it all. - Yeah. - What is my vice? - You gotta have some hatred. - Okay. - Being kind of mean, hatred? - Diet Coke. - Oh, that's a good one. - You guys are having like an Adam's apple off right here. - Yeah. - This is crazy. - Look at that. - I also have a big Adam's apple. - Look at that. - I don't like my Adam's apple. (laughing) - No, no, Adam's good. - You think something's right. - Yeah. - You're a man. - Goddamn. - Yeah. - Keep it. - Well, Sam, it was fun seeing you last night. - We had a good time, man. - We were rolling. - Yeah, we were. - Honestly, we could've done that for a while. - How wrong did we go on? - We probably did like, you never probably did like 25 minutes. - We were rolling. - I'd seven comics. - Wow. - I was like, after two hours of show, I mean. - Was the second audience as good as the first one? - Yeah, yeah. They were both great. - You did two sold out views? - Wow. - Wow. - And each one was a crowd work with a different comic. - Wow. - I had no idea. - It was my addiction. - Yeah, it was, I think it was awesome. - We were cooking though. - We were. - It's a brilliant move though. Did the clips are great? I see every one of them, they all blow up. - It's kind of fun to like, I think maybe it's fun for comedy fans to see comics and how they interact differently on stage with each other 'cause everyone has a different style. - Sure. - And then you come on stage, you kind of have to work together to sort of, you know, I like it. It's like seeing like Magneto and Sailor Moon work together with something, like different universes. - And audiences are like, whenever I do the role, they're like, where's Sam? Where's Joe Liss? And I'm like, well, we do separate things. - You knew that when you bought the ticket, you just, but so when they see comics together, it's very exciting. It's like Superman Batman. - Yeah, it is very exciting. It's Whitney and Mariah. - Yeah, yeah. - It's a nice moment. - Yeah. - We had fun though, Sam, that was good. - Yeah, we were, I feel like we got locked in. That was some good shit. - It was a good chemistry. Every time we do it, it's fun. It's good, man. We've such different styles that it works. - Did you start at the same time, or did one of you start? - Well, I started in 2009 in Chicago, but then I moved here in 2012. - So I started, we were probably all. - I met you at the start here. - You were eating a burrito. - Yeah. - I did that. - Yeah. - I love burritos. - But we all started together. - Yeah, basically same time. - Yeah. - 0708 for me in New York. - Yeah. - It was a good close Caroline shows back in the day, dude. - They were so good. - Stacked. - You get a free meal. - Those chicken. - What was it, the chicken par? - Chicken par. - Chicken par. - It was a lot of velvita. - Wait. - Those shows, it would be like us, it would be Christa Stefano. - Oh my gosh. - We all did them all the time. - Yeah. - We all the time. - Yes. - And there was like 15 people in the audience. - I know. - On a huge room. - Yeah. - Remember, I remember we did one of those shows once after Tom Green and no one was at our show and he felt so bad for us. He started trying to walk people from his show. - Oh. - In the art show. - Oh my gosh. - And only Tom Green's out there. - They were like, you know, we're good. - Yeah. - Truly, they did not want to. - Did you ever do the prom shows? - Oh, of course. - Yeah. - Oh yeah. - I did them in a blackout. - So what? - Yeah. - It was very fascinated by our times, open mics and bar shows we did because it's so different. - So different. - We did, at Caroline's, God rest in peace, Caroline's, they had prom shows get, after prom, they would come to the sell, or come to the kids. - They didn't want the kids to drink. So like go to a comedy show and they would have fun. - Yeah, I was like, they didn't want them to drink. So they sent them to a comedy club. - They do blow. - To do blow. - It's a monster. - They were doing something. - They're not off in the streets of Manhattan. - Did you guys have diet coke, by the way? I think we got one around here somewhere. - Can I have one, please? - Sure. - I'm sorry. - Oh my God. - Whoa! - That was crazy. - That was crazy. - Do we have big-titted women here? Is there a, can you just deliver them like this? - My first, one of my first members of Mark, we were at, I think it was that, did you ever, was it the, it was someone brookling the crocodile lounge? - Rock it out loud. - Were you get like a free pizza? And Mark, I just got off stage of Mark, I was up next to Mark, it was a great job and smack my ass and right on the stage. - Yes! - That was my first memory, Mark. - I'm an ally. - And then you were a hammerhead of sand. - You both are allies. - Yeah, 'cause you love musicals. - I do. - I do, I do. - I do, I do. - Oh, yeah. Oklahoma. - I know, I know, I know. - It's just four years. - That's four years. - Yeah, I can out on musicals. - Hell yeah. - Those are fun though, those, those open mics back in the day, the bar shows. - Oh, dude. - Yeah, that was, that was all we had. We had no money, we had no lives, no career, no clips, no internet. - Yeah, we were just living for the moment more. - Love of the guy. - And it sounds so, like, hallmarked you, but it's true. - Yeah. - It was like, if you got on knitting factory or cabinet or a night train, it was like. - No one knows who we're talking about. - And I never got on with it. - The people listening are like, what do you do? - I'm still mad. - No, I'm mad. - I'm still mad about that. - That's crazy. - What's your fucking whiplash? - They never have genuine whiplash. - Oh, he had a mission with me too, remember? - Yeah, he thought you were some kind of alpha, like tough guy. And I was like, he's jealous. - And I thought he was a little bitch. (laughing) - But he was right. - I'm shocked, you didn't get it. - What was your first big moment that you're like, fuck, I'm really doing this. - Oh, Conan, maybe, I took Conan's tie. I dabbed my forehead because I was like, so keyed up and just adrenaline rushed. - That was a bad moment, that was bad. He didn't love it. - He didn't love it, really love it, yeah. - What do you say to you again after you? So he marked murders his first Conan set. And then as Conan walks over, he grabs Conan's tie and dabbed his forehead for the sweat. - Yeah, what did he say to you? - Yeah, I thought it was funny. - It's funny. - But he was like, my mic's on there, what are you doing? I was like, oh, sorry, 'cause his mic was taped to the tie. So he's like, you're fucking up the show. - Now, it's a taped show, you're not fucking up the show. - That's what I said. I'm goofing, I'm a comedian, I'm being a comedian. - But then did he say something like, it was an exceptional set, don't do that. - Yeah, yeah, he said, don't do that again. Fair, at least he recognized it was funny. - Yeah, yeah. - But the beauty of those shows I did it again, like a year later and you're like, hey, is he gonna be mad about the tie? He's like, who are you? - Yeah, I remember. - Conan was a big one for me too. - It was a JP buck, JP buck. - That's right. Conan was a big one, but I didn't love my first set. My first set, the crowd was so tight. So my second one was like, one of that was like, holy shit. That felt like, I crushed. I did like a lot of my favorite jokes. And if it's on YouTube somewhere, I'm in a red flannel. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I remember that set. - That was one I was like, oh, I was, yeah, those late night sets, we love that. - I lived with Seth Meyers and they were great. Because they had the woman who was booking it at the time. She was literally like, whatever, do whatever you want. See you in Tuesday. - What? - There was no, 'cause usually the like, you can't say this, if you say that, move this joke here, don't do that, blah, blah. She was like, go for it. - Yes. - Whoa, that's great. - Did they do the opener, were you saying opera on that show? That was-- - Oh, that was the ultimate opener. - Yeah. - Couldn't follow that. - I mean, he would come out and sing opera. And then he would just go, that's a true story 'cause I came out to my parents. That was maybe the hardest hitting opener. - Keller, 'cause you suck 'em in with the singing and you get to tell 'em something about you. It's got it all. Also, you know what I found out years later, I didn't even think about it. Omiobabino Kato means my dear dad. - Whoa. - And I was like, wow, talk about real, that was great. - Yeah, that was the first joke at the, remember the six o'clock Creek, Mike? - Sure. - The one, you know what, I lived at that, Mike. - Yeah, I, um, that was the first one that people paid attention to me. So it was a nice, like-- - So like someone with actual talent? - Yeah, what the hell is that? - He can sing, 'cause it's hard to grip the audience. - And the hairs here are like, all right, a balance is up there. - Who was the first comics that were nice to you? - Cosby. - No, no, um, let's see. - Publicly. - Well, Schumer was very nice to me in there. - Yeah. - He put me, you know, he gave me a career basically, she put me on the road, she got me some money. - But then first I didn't open my, who said hi. Like, Suba was the first one at the Creek. You know everyone kind of like ignores you, she walked right up, she was like, hi. Yeah, welcome. I'm also from Chicago like she was the nicest person to me That goes a long way. Yeah, who is nice? I remember the pros and Mike's are like such a Just a lot of motion. Yeah booze or at the clubs who was the first one that was like hey welcome 10 Alexander was very nice Gary Goldman was very nice Schumer was yeah to me also she helped both of us immeasurably so that and a tell took me on the road So that was like that was you know yeah being in a car with that guy for a while you're like oh shit This is this isn't this is an amazing brain. Yeah, Vita was the first guy like I met in New York So he was very nice me too. Whoa I why met him He was bombing an open mic Vita and I'm fucking I'm in the crowd just spaced out cuz it was Mike's it was Maui Taco remember this wow And I was like you just all zoned out and he goes this asshole's not paying attention He just picked on me and then the next night I had a book show this my other producer booked him on and Gary's like Sorry about that. I was like that's you know so open my so I know you like you melt down at them every once in a while So you stand up. He's like oh shit We just had this Stupid moment at a show to club recently where this non-verbal autistic person sat in the front row But they didn't tell us and I was hosting and it was him and his friend and they're sitting there and the Guy wouldn't look at me the whole time and I'm hosting so I just kept going. Oh, you don't like gay people Yeah, look at me. So I what do you guys do any what's it? Yes, but that there's nothing to do with my disorder His friend would only answer and I was like oh, so your friend has the answer for you Until it finally clicked and I was like well fuck but I was bringing Gary up and I couldn't let him know He just came right up and he's doing the jokes everyone's laughing except this guy in the front and he goes oh, so I'm not funny to you That those guys need a like a placard Well, yeah, that's crazy because that's how we don't put him on the one Well, I was like they were the only two sitting in the front row and not laughing. I was like obviously I'm hosting the show I'm gonna wow my first joke I remember of Gary's like remembering it was um is like yeah You know, it's like like low energy is like yeah, it was a buying babe butt wipes and the woman said you know Yeah, the woman said to me. Oh, they have those a cucumber sent it now and Gary goes oh really wow That's great because before this I was just using it and shoving a cucumber up my ass In that dead pan, but I remember one of his first jokes when I met him he was doing at the mics He goes a sky's trying to set me up with someone she goes. She's the girl version of you She'll love her and he goes on five five. I suck at sports. I am the girl version You also had um I saw a blind man with a dog I seen dog in the blind man hit the wall and he said bad dog you did a bad job bad job and the dog goes I don't know how I got this job Classic man, all right, I feel bad Nick wasn't at the creek in two thousand. Yeah, we're gonna forget the story I don't know how you guys even I've made a bunch of times I don't know how you guys know each other Norgie. We were No, we met Honestly, that's most gay guys if you ask how do they know if they met over Grindr We did not we met through our friend Bob the drag queen. Uh-huh He and Bob and Monet and all of them were all friends. I met Bob separately I didn't have any gay friends and as he says he treated me like little gay or finanny and said here's your friends now Fortunately, it was this one, and also we were the first ones to let Nick know that he has a weird voice. Oh, yeah Thirty years. I'm with you. Yeah, that is Pennsylvania. We'll put North of Scranton just say it in the middle of nowhere. It's called New Malfurred. It's 700 people. Do you have a street light? No, whoa My dad's the mayor Wow, get out of here. I mean half the town's like family. I Wow I mean it was pretty evident from when I was a kid that I didn't belong there a lot of gay nightlife out there Actually, there's a game around right game ground You know, it's bad when you got to go to Scranton for the action Pull up new is it new Malfurred new Malfurred. I got to see this one was a drone footage Mean Bob was Bob the records from Atlanta. So we did drones of Atlanta than I did of Chicago Obviously both big cities and then we did new Malfurred and wow Houses are not that's not my job. Okay. Okay. I don't know what that looks like where you came out Damn, I don't know where those are That is the town that looks pretty though Nick. You got a moe. That's a very Nice picture. Okay, and it gets surrounded by the mountains like you literally grew up in the fucking forest Why are you acting like you don't know that because I didn't realize it was so picture-esque You know sound like would survive. I've told you that this is I'm not even getting involved. Are you good and Sam? No, that's a sad part. We just talked about this on our podcast. Okay. Someone came they picked you both up in your current state Okay, whatever you're wearing and your current state they dropped you in the middle of a forest gave you the essentials How long realistically could you last is it bad that I'm picture my phone battery being too low right now to I mean this is not long I don't think we get the phone. No, I don't just mark you like I'm what I gotta put on a knife flint Sink survivor be how much how many days could you last before you tap out? Well, we have that we have to hunt for food Yes, you have survived. It was at winters at summer That really For us. Okay. Okay. I'd last longer than him. He's a he's all he's a Manhattan kid. Yeah, but I went to camp I can do I can make a fire to camp as I would concentration camp concentration camp Hey, no, I got the joke alright. It doesn't the joke doesn't land. It doesn't work. Okay. Okay, sorry I like it you lost realistically eight hours eight hours come on I said max max I could do 10 days That's crazy, but that's what I'm saying. Oh, then wait you here. What are you saying? I'm gonna go I'd say probably eight days Because you need food. Yeah, you can you can you cannot eat for days. I can I can kill a squirrel or a strangle of moose a Strangle I said six months six months get the fuck with those arms Six months you don't think you could make it work that's insane. It's a kind of delusion. No, no, no, I think ten days It's crazy. I thought that's a lot of the max like ten days because they only do 40 days on survivor and it goes They do and they look terrible. I'm like, well, how do you think you will look after six months? If I was in the moment a drennel and took over I could make it work. I don't think so. What are you eating? I would strangle a rabbit? I would you catch a rabbit man? Okay, I'd sneak up on it Well, it wasn't the boy scouts for a week then they told me sweetie. That's isn't for you You know that you know it's not for you when they start with sweet I could rough it granted I that's really that's your town. So where'd you live Nick? Is that my town? Sure, I think it is no, I don't I actually don't know that that looks kind of bumping Well, there isn't oh that's milford. That's not it. It's new mills. Oh, that's our library. Oh Okay, one the one that looks like a eight days. I don't think he got eight days. I can do eight days. I don't think you got it. It was a cup scouts and a boys go There we go. How do you go scouts? That didn't make it to eagle Could you kill an animal? Yeah, sure. I've killed many animals. Could you cook the animal after you killed it? The rabbit that he had to you have to gut it and take out all the I've done that skin you've got a rabbit I've got her a fuck the fuck why why I know I did some tough times in the woods with some friends I've been killed in half a little house I'm from Louisiana you've got a fuck yeah, yeah, I went hunt you in my daddy. What why did you kill a fox? We hit we hit a fog we hit a fox with the car and then we said we should eat it It's the right thing to do so we cut it open Killing it's accidentally killing yeah, yeah, I'm just saying they got an arxis trans house. He ate road kill. Yes. Yes Well, you better do what you can do with it otherwise Where did you grow up this is about a week in New Orleans? New Orleans, Louisiana. Oh, so they're So the kids when you grew up didn't do a thing called milking where they would pick up road kill and throw it at people's houses No, I grew up in the city part. So we didn't do a lot of that. No, why did they call that man hat in the sand? We did a different type of milking What the hell yeah, you see you just throw people's house. Yeah, it was like a prank. Wow jeez Imagine that six-four guy coming at you right with Jesus Christ Get one of those tables. Why is there pegging happening? You pegging milk and jerk It's a table and you lay your dick through the hole and they milk it like a cow Well, that seems extreme. We're milking the prostate is in the butt. Yeah, well you don't know that I can only last like five minutes Probably yeah, that I can do eight days But six months is insane six months is insane - Nick, I have to, you got it. At some point, you have to become to terms with reality every human you've told this to. Like 50 people at the show last night. When you told Maddie Weiner, she laughed so hard she couldn't breathe. - I don't think you can kill an animal. - I mean, okay, who'd have a better job in the Forest Meer neck? - I'm taking you for sure. - I know what world, Sam. - Hey, at least built. - Muscles has nothing to do. They're gonna drag them down. - You can pretend to be a tree. - I feel like you could blend in. - I do that for a couple days. - Yeah, but I mean, come on. - He's got some crazy in him. To do Broadway, you gotta be a little crazy. - True. - Yeah, that's true. - And Italian. - Yeah, that's what we have. - And Mexican. - And Mexican. - That's a lot of killing animals with through the neck things. - Exactly. Gays are resourceful, though. I genuinely think. - Yeah, I think you make the forest when it comes to like a fucking party. (laughing) - I'll concede a little. - Three months. - No. - Have you seen these outdoor shows like a live or whatever they're called? - You see any kind of clip of someone living in a forest because I don't think Nick quite grass. - Mosquitoes. - Pond water. - You gotta cook the water. - And you make a good point. Like, there's so much disease in forests. That heat like, I mean, especially like the Congo and the Amazon, especially the Congo. - Yes. - There's so much disease there. - Plus, I've seen his apartment. He's gonna tire himself out, redecorating the forest. - Yeah. (laughing) - I'm gonna live like poison ivy and Batman. There's a lot of bacteria and preps not gonna help you there. (laughing) All right. What do we got here? - No, no, this shows how Netflix I'm talking about. They take like marines and green berets and people who go and look what he's like. - He ate the snake, that guy. - What is called? Wilderness or alone. Is that alone? Everyone's telling us to watch alone. That's what I'm talking about. - Okay, we need to watch alone. - We're gonna make it afraid. - One of the, oh. - Oh yeah, that's a different one. - No, that mean that, so. - But they're naked, they're naked. - And there's nothing naked you wanna see. - No, no. - It never is. - What is this, 'cause they're playing-- - Wow, see this guy's good. He's got a snare on a rabbit here. - Nick, are you gonna do that? - I would touch it bare hands. - The hell? - The facts. - They're basically playing-- - If you sneak up on it while it's sleeping, why could you not? - I would-- - It takes a lot of, you know, - Moxida. - It's still gonna like you. - I like you, Nick. - And I'll bite it back. - Whoa. - You're gonna kill that thing when you sneak up. - Look, that's cute. - I think the rabbits are really good. - They are cute. - I don't wanna kill one. - I don't either. - But why don't survive a clown tube? - But if I have to survive-- - Oh, is he gonna crack a stick? - No. - They're gonna show this on YouTube? - You're gonna do this one day. - What in the world? - Nick, you have to watch. - Oh God, I don't wanna see it. He's gonna just pour rabidazoid, he petted it first, that was gonna fucked up. - Yeah, maybe he's not gonna kill it. He's just petting it. He was just showing that he could do it. - Okay, I hope so. - That was weird. - Oh, all right, but we're all pussy. - I'm not gonna kill Mr. Rob. - Oh my God, we got for it. - It did seem very villain-esque to pet it to-- - Yeah. - But he just pet it, that's good. - Didn't Apollo used to have a joke about how his grandmother used to break the neck and before she would do it, see. Don Colione says hello. - Uh-huh. - The challenge is to do that, like, break the chicken's neck and the, you know. - I thought rabbits had red eyes. - Some do. - Those would be easier to kill. - They, they seem more evil. - Did you know growing up, 'cause in Pennsylvania, we were in dear country, I thought they all had green eyes 'cause we would go out at night with the flashlights to go see the deer and when you flash the light on them-- - The reflection. - I don't know, I didn't realize. I just thought they all had green eyes. - Yeah. - All right. - That wasn't till yesterday. (laughing) - I was too old to learn. - Well, so you've been in the woods a little. - One of the other disagreements. This is clearly-- - Look at the other disagreements. - We got lots of disagreements. - It's basically like how one could survive in any kind of situation, you know. We argue about, well, what have we argued about in our podcast? Pretty much everything. - I think we've been labeling a lot of things as gay, straighter, by. - Yeah, we were like, okay, let's hear something. - Let's see what we got. - I want to win. - Okay. - We talked about sports, our gay. - What's a "buy" sport? - Oh, you just get the whole thing. - Yeah, just go through, like, names of sports. We'll tell you. - Pocky ball. - Pocky ball. - Pocky ball. - So we think it's women's basketball. - Pocky ball. - Pocky ball. - Pocky ball. I said gay because. - Ooh, that's good. - That is a ball. - That's true. - Gay DL. - Got it, got it. - What do you say? - Sure, I agree. (laughing) - Yeah, yeah. - All right, we got some coming around here. - There was some coming around. What do we disagree on? Soccer, I said, was gay presenting, but straight. - I think it's fully gay. - Interesting. - I don't know. - Rugby's fully gay. - There's something really gay about tennis, like, ah! - Right. - Right, the grunting. - I think, I think we said bye. - I think it's pretty gay. - All their asses are out of the grunting balls. - See, I think soccer straight, 'cause a gay man has to use his hands. You know, you can. - You don't have many gay men. - Oh, okay. What about headers? - Oh, good point, good point. - No, but our podcast basically, I mean, we've disagreed, we also just fought about a lot of stuff. - Pocky. - We've been a lot of education on the weather for neck, science, neck, and history with Nick. - They are skating, though. - That's true. - I said, no, hockey's gay. You're, you're, you're on a skating. - But they fight. - They fight. - They fight. - And they go in a box. - They love it. - Is it straight when you have to take off a glove to fight? (laughing) - It's like a duel. - We get to hit 'em harder. That's why you do it. - That's true. - I do like going to hockey games. - They are really fun. - They're fun. - And you're rip a shirt over the guy. - Yeah. - Kind of gay. - I used to play that hockey game in NES. - Did I remember that? - It was a 360-3D hockey. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - It's a N64. - N64 had so many good games. - Oh, a Golden Eye don't-k-e-con. - I haven't. - So fun. - So fun. - Really? - They made it called an analog, so you can now play it on your T. 'Cause the old one won't work. - Right. - And on the new one, you hook it up. You get the old N64 games like controllers to play it on. - Oh, those are the Golden Eye. I played with slumber parties for hours. - Yeah. - It was a very-- - Mario Kart. - Mario Kart. - Mario Kart. Nick and I play games every night. - He's like, he's a gamer. - Oh, yeah. - Label myself a gamer. - But he plays multiple games every single night. - The term is flammer. - I'm sorry. (laughing) - You don't really play that. (laughing) - That's a joystick. - But isn't that, isn't that of being a gamer if you play games every night and you stream video games and you're playing with your friends and you play multiple games? - Yeah. - And you have a PC for games and a PS5. - But we only play the Santa Switch. - We play Dress to Impress. - That's a game? - That's a video game. - It's on Roblox where you literally put outfits together. - Okay. - Yeah. - That's a great combination. - We play Fortnite. I guess that is a game. - And we play, we recently played Shift at Midnight. We played Chained. - I don't know what any of these games are. Can we pull some of these up? - Dress to Impress is the best one because honestly, our straight front plays and I'm telling you, there's nothing better for gay rights when your straight friend at 10 seconds left goes, "Fuck, I forgot to do my nails." (laughing) Such a good game. - What is this? - So basically, you play against other people, you get a theme and then you have to dress your, you should get a video of it if you could. I'm sorry 'cause this looks ridiculous. - Yeah. - You know what Roblox is. - No. - It's for Roblox is like a gaming site for children. - Oh. - And then Dress to Impress is very gay-coded. So it's all children and then 40-year-old gay men that wanna put outfits together. - Got it. - Oh wow, this is like a cartoon. - This is royalty. I got the perfect reference photo. Okay, where's this dress? - That was limited. - What about the crowd? - VIP items. - Shoes. - Yeah, you do a different one, this is weird. - Is that what it is? - How about this? Type in "Press Dress to Impress" Mateo 'cause Nick and I have very played with each other. There we go. - And you have to compete with one another. - Not the first. - Oh, the second one, the second one. The first one we did a live dress to impress. So this one, so basically you do it. - She's gonna beat us. - You have to walk around in the dining room if you wanna fast forward. Maybe like a cord on the way through. - Where is she? - And you put an outfit on? - Yes, now do your hair. - Well, so you do the hair, the makeup, the outfit. - So the theme is cave man. - Right. And you get six minutes to put this look together and then you compete with the other people. - Why is she so much hair? - Well, you have to mold it. You have to change the color and change. - This is elaborate. Now, what does cave man have to do with anything? - Well, you have to make a dress made up of a cave man could be. - So mine's food right now, so I'm taking her hat, putting it upside down, putting blonde hair in it to make it like pasta, and then putting those two things on top to make it meatballs. So she's got pasta on her head. You can do all this creative shit, man. - Okay. - So yeah, serious you look on the left there. - Do you love this a gamer? - I've called this a gay. - For sure. (laughing) - It's for 40-year-old gay men and seven-year-old girls. (laughing) - Is that a great outfit? - No, I'm changing her makeup. - That's fun. - But you can do cool shit. - I love that gay guys do this and straight guys when they get a video game. They're like, "I'm gonna kill a hooker." - Right. - We're making it. - We're making the hooker. (laughing) - I am excited for Grand Theft Auto six, by the way, but also Zelda Ocarina of Time. They're remastering it, and it's coming out and switched. - I played very different games, but going to play like Madden, Basketball, or like-- - Sam, you are the greatest person, I know. Or like-- - Tetris, what do I have with the Tetris? - I love Tetris, I love Tetris. - What is it? - I love solitaire. - I love solitaire. Mark's like, "What about Frogger?" - I love Frogger. - What about Tetris, and the newspaper boy. - Yes. - What about you, like the shooters, though? You like the shooter game? - I'm obsessed with all the shooters. - Call of duty, all of duty. I mean, Fortnite is a shooter game almost every now. - I used to play Perfect Dark, and I used to play, my friends and I used to play The Fuck Was It Call. We would have to go to like a Cybernet Cafe and play with our friends. It was a shooting game. Like, World War, come on, you guys are straight. [BLANK_AUDIO] - I remember the student game. - Fuck, I know you're listening to me. - Doom. - Yo, I loved Doom. - Doom was fun. - Turok? - No, I'm Turok. I forgot about Turok. - You went to go to an internet account. - My friend Adam and I, yes, we would have to go. - How old are you? - And then I'm 40, and then at then they had all the computers and you go and you could play Counter-Strike. - Counter-Strike. - You could play Counter-Strike with each other. - Yes, yes. - Okay, I didn't know you were a game. - You were a game we had computers in Chicago, I know in your home town. - You had one computer for the whole town. - He was pointing a flashlight at a deer. - Yeah, I was just kidding. (all laughing) - They dressed the deer to impress. - Right, right, right, right, right. - It would be fun. Sam, you should come play dressed to impress them time. - I don't know if it's my speed, but I'll come hang out. - I think you did it a try. - I'll give it a try. - What the hell? - Maybe I'll love it. - Okay. - What the hell are you doing right now? - I give it a try. - Time and ally. - There you go. - Yeah, I'm trying to think what other games, I love fucking wrestling too. - No mercy, remember that? - And end of wrestling. - Did you like wrestling? - I like the game. - No, my brother did, I never. - I mean, I do like it a bit. - It's not because it's so gay looking, yet no gays, really, generally speaking. - That's true. - Like it. - It's spandex, it's speedos, it's muscle. - I know it's into it, so I definitely like it a lot. - Look at that, Jesus. - I never thought Hulk Hulk was sexy though. - Who is, but I've done this a million times. (all laughing) - Who's the sexiest wrestler? - What'd you say? - You have to show me a list. - I can pull anything up like this. - Coldstone's the rock and the rock. - Coldstone! (all laughing) - Coldstone! - Coldstone Creamer East, Steve Austin. - Oh, the ladies aren't bad looking. - The best, who's the stratus? - Who's the stratus? - Okay, here we go. - Who? - Tristratus? - Tristratus. - I mean, I still would, definitely. - Who's he? - Yeah, who is he? - Oh, I know that guy. - Yeah, he's one of the good ones. - Damn. - Okay, one of the good ones. - But I just, I don't know, I never. (all laughing) - I only like the women. - Tristratus, Stacey Keyblur. - China. - Oh, good China. - All right, Pete, China, dude. - I know, I know. - I remember she was in Playboy. - I think she had a sex tape as well. - Yeah. - She had a sex tape. - She did, confirmed. - Let's raise her a mom. - Raise her a mom, good chest hair. - I'm not really. - Okay. - No. - What about the, the rock wasn't bad looking at her. - The rock. - The era of the rock hot? - Yeah. When I was in, my last year was in Jean-Luca and him and I went to, they have a pure gym. And oh, they have a here too, I think. Now, and we're in pure gym. And it's not like an equinox or something. I mean, it's a fine gym, but all of a sudden the rock comes in and he's working out and he's working out and has like two guys standing around him at all times. So you leave him alone. - Whoa. - But the rock is like seven times the size of them. - Right. - It was so weird. - Weird. - I mean, he is, I would absolutely let him punch me in the throat. (laughing) - Are you into the big muscle guys or are you bored? - I'm kind of kind of anybody, but how could you not be into that? - That's a nice environment. - I mean, how could you not be into that? - Yeah. - That's a whole lot of that. - What would it take, Mark? - Well, what position? - You've got a lot of choice. - I'm like a top, I could do it. - Okay. - Yeah. - No hair to pull though. - That's, that's, it throws me. - I love this is all like survival questions today. - Yeah. - The woods fucking a dude. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. - I could last six months. (laughing) - Yeah. - He's, yeah. - Oh, he's a butt shot. - He doesn't have a nice butt, really. - Actually, the butt's not there. - Is that important for a gay dude to have a good butt? - Well, yeah. - Yeah. - All right, what do you look for? - So many guys are bad for us. - What do the butt, when you're looking to a butt, what are you looking for? - That's a great butt. - A big bubble. - Is that why you guys work the legs so much? - The glutes. - The glutes. - Yeah. - Do you do the glutes or no? - It's the same thing to you. A nice butt and a girl. - Right. - Yeah, the same thing. - What do you say? - Mine barely hanging on. - So you got no butt, I got no butt. - You don't have any butt? - I got no butt. - How? - Let's have a look, Mark. - I mean, I'll show you. - What do you mean no butt? - I mean, it's just the small white ass. - Is it clean up and show about like no one in your family, but don't run in the family. - Not really, my dad's got a flat ass, I got a flat ass. - Same with my family, it's just butts don't run in it. - You got no, you got a butt? - Not probably not. - Yeah, yeah. And what about the hair in the ass? - Is that a factor? - I don't know, some people like it. - It depends. - Some guys are really into it. - Yeah, a full bush or a shaven. - A full bush. - You're, this guy's, that's gotta be a fucking shit carpet. - I, I trim. - Oh, wow. - How do you get in there? - How do I get in there? I bend over in the mirror, play some jazz, I don't know. - Oh, man, I think I'm in the 11th jazz show. - Yeah. - Get some lip-picks. - Get some cold porter going. - Oh, man. (humming) - You're like, I gotta shave my ass. (laughing) - No, yeah, it's just in the hole. - Yeah, I don't have it like on my actual cheeks. - Why are you concerned about hair in your hole? - I don't know, I just see it there. And I'm like, I can get rid of that. - What's all this? - All right, I appreciate that. - To the ladies, 'cause if they're gonna be down in that area, you don't wanna do that. - Yeah, I agree. - Yeah, but do you have a bidet? - Of course. - Oh, I gotta get a bidet. - Sam's bidet is like, the closest thing to a car wash. - Mm. - It's a civil rights hose in my ass. I love it. (laughing) - I want a clean, man. Yeah, one toilet I have in the other one, it's in the wall. So I couldn't do it, it would have caused a ton of money. But yeah, I'm happy to see a bidet. - Well yeah, bidets are great. If you got a shaving butthole and a bidet, you're cruising. - Am I? - Yeah. - A clean like that, it's easy. - Yeah, no, I mean, who wants a nasty butthole? - Well, I trust the arguments of guys online who are like, if you wash your ass, you're. - I've seen that, or whatever. - That's crazy. - And worrying about it is way gayer. - Yes, just clean your ass. - That's clean your ass. - What do you think when you see those guys who are like, you're clearly gay, just be gay. - Yeah, but you can't. - Yeah. - You know, so I guess not washing your ass will keep him at bay. - So to speak. - Are there people you watch on TV or movies where you're like, this is a gay person, but they're presenting us straight. - Andrew Lloyd Weber. - The architect? - No. - The composer. - Today's episode is brought to you by Quo spelled Q-U-O, the business phone system built so you never miss a call. Quo keeps calls, texts and voicemails in one place. 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You wear it all the time. - I think this is a Fabletics shirt, I love it. - I wear it like multiple days a week. I'm wearing the shorts. I love the zipper on the shorts too. 'Cause I can throw a wallet in there and not worry about it falling out. - Exactly, AirPods, whatever. - Yeah, it's a great gear. I wear it all the time. If you're new to Fabletics, becoming a VIP unlocks major savings on your first purchase, shop now at Fabletics.com/WMBD to get 70 to 80% off everything. That's insane. When you sign up as a new VIP and yes, that includes the New Jamarck Chase collection, take a quick style quiz and make sure to select WMBD when prompted to unlock this offer. This is a limited time offer, so don't wait. Again, that's Fabletics.com/WMBD for 70 to 80% off everything as a new VIP. Yeah, Fabletics. Hey, hey folks, Willie's Remedy. It's a premium THC infused social tonic created by Willie Nelson himself. 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Oh, have you seen this as per-- - Oh, someone did one of me. - Really? - No. - Did they guess it? - They thought I was straight. - Shut up. - They do another one now where they're like, do you think you could take this person in a fight? - No, I would say no to everybody. - But then the guy's always right behind him with gloves. And he's like, oh, you want a fight? - Oh, that's funny. - Do you think you could win a fight against me? - Nick. - Do you want to watch us arm wrestle? - Yeah. - If you want to watch us arm wrestle. - He's got confidence. I like it. - But no skill. - Come on, let's just half the battle. - Yeah, half the battle of the chase. - It's like eight percent. - Nick lost, and it was our crew. Nick lost an arm wrestling contest to everyone, including Jacob, who's five four. - Wait, are you right or left? I'm right. I think if we did left hands. Oh, we could do left hands. We have a table here. Can you arm wrestle? Probably are you right or left handed right? Right, I think if we all did left hands. I would do better than you think. What's a long arm? You got a good torque see I played volleyball A lot of bend and snap and not There we go. All right, you do left hand. Yeah, this is big We got a lot of no table. I don't know if this is the straightest thing or the gayest thing we've ever done It's always a combination of both. Yeah, it's just like wrestling You beat him left-handed. That's pretty emasculating. I got to say that's a fake dude fake breath. I've never felt one you don't say We got to talk about that after the arm wrestle high school. How many women? Just one. Oh good women like a tall guy Are you gonna finish playing with a breath? We're gonna arm wrestle. I've never seen my gun Yeah, we're just clearing we should have really just cleared this side because I have a feeling there's gonna go down pretty quickly But I'll get the elbow elbow on the table. Okay. All right, I keep the elbows on the table The first not the first time we said the all right ready one two three Surprise elbow on the table He's got a huge arms is he's ripped. I can't be possible. All right. You're six months went down to six minutes in the woods and Nick Even even when you lose you're like, well, I can't be right He didn't get eaten by a bear like this isn't fair Well, why would why was your left hand right be strong? I might choose my Arms every like day Why would I have children? You're very comfortable. Do I try the right you really believe in yourself? This is gonna be worse. Well, that's a big hand - it's quite a mitt look how soft his hands look beautiful hands I mean when you get the shot get the guns. All right. All right. All right. Let's see one two three Oh, that's good stuff. He sounded like the alien from American dad No, I got to hear but there's tennis elbow this lady a cloud. Who is this woman yet sex with my high school girlfriend? Okay, did you know you were gay? I mean I always had a feeling but again when you come from a small town Like I just like wasn't I think like there was no one gay for my town There wasn't so it was just sort of like we were horny kids I we got along really well in hindsight. We were just really good friends and I was like, all right Wow, so what you do and it you know worked everything happened and yeah Two kids, doctor his kids Children the new alarms. Yeah, husband's like a former football player like bigger than taller than me Yeah, do you think she's so long as you in some kind of way I don't But you is a part of the guy's brain that we were like I could I could fucking I could beat that guy up I do that sometimes I don't go now really, but there's a part where you're like I could figure it out It's the same part of your brain then when you see a comic bomb on a show. You're like I'll get him. Yes, exactly I don't know. Well, they did some interview with manly said could you land a plane if the pilot passed out every single guy said yes Which I would say no to that. No, it would be like is there a maybe option? I know it's someone guiding me through it right who could win in a fight between you two. Well, he's taller I used to box Back of the day. I work out more than you. I work out. Oh, you do. Yeah, you're the gym I'm in the gym. Oh, I didn't know that. Yeah, and you get some I got some side there. I got late I think I take him and you got the no dad thing probably got some anger in there But I went to public school. That's true. I got fucked with quite a bit as a youth. We fought in the city Oh, really? It's okay. What a yet 9/11 Katrina Katrina that'll make a man out of you one for one out there was Sean Penn on a on a canoe with a gun It'd be interesting. Yeah, that'd be a good patreon. Yeah, there you go. Watch you guys fight watch me in Nick fight I would win. Oh I'm under legs you believe in your show how you punch You don't need to bring that up You know what he does a huge hands. You could really strangle. You know how to punch Yeah, do you know how to punch? Yeah, yeah, you have you punch someone? Yes, and been punched have you punched someone? Yeah, you have Who one like it? No, she she undercooked and it was a no No, I you know we were kids. We just drank a lot of me getting the fight and stuff and you would punch your friends Yeah, that was normal. Yeah And sometimes you punch the wrong one you get your ass kids. Yeah, yeah I remember I punch her on a friend once and he took my face and smashed it into a fucking into the curb and the curb Bloody no, what was that movie American history? Yeah, exactly. Jesus. Yeah, I used to hang out with Neonazies No, we just we're just drunk. Yeah, yeah, got pretty a pretty wild back then. There was no internet Yeah, so I like that around like high school straight guys together the scariest thing in the world 100% too much Hyper energy and anger. I feel like that when I see young kids am I these dudes are trouble. Oh, yeah, but this is because we're old Yeah, right. That's what it is. Yeah, you see high school boys come on the subway like a shit. You know, I know I use to have a have a joke from like if I Even though I'm gonna I look athletic my greatest fears walk by seventh graders playing soccer in the ball accidentally Right, yeah, you ever have that thing where the ball goes over them like little help and you're like, oh God Yeah, this is a big moment. I'd rather be drafted Fine, no wait, what is the show so you guys do a live show as well? We've done a few live shows. We have our podcasts It's called I never liked you, and then we just find a topic It started of us do it because he calls me seven times a day I'm like my mind will monetize this you also call me you make it seem like I'm the needy In what he called me what are you doing? But we started because We started doing YouTube videos. Well, first we were over the pandemic. I was streaming Fortnight and it was us and our friend Donnie and people really loved Nick because he was so mean But like not a mean you could take seriously like the thing he said that made people Start paying attention to him is he was like one time I Called Verizon and I got I don't know this woman Sally and she picked up this is Sally for customer service How can I help you I said Sally? I'm gonna need you speak to your manager because I can tell you're not gonna be able to help me And I don't want to waste my time with you No look in my defense It was one of those things because everywhere has switched to automated Customer service. So I had been on it for like 45 minutes. You know, human. Yeah, then it finally was just this Very sweet. Oh, there's gonna be no humans left. I mean, it's I know in that way You've the bit about the Delta game, but it's like, you know But it's like you want the person just so you can be like can I get some real Because when a human you can bargain in a way, they can see they can hear empathy like if you're running late for flight or something How many times a flight tense at home on let me see what I can exactly? You know, and it's like it's when they take your genuine at night Yeah, you can be I mean and just being nice to people goes a long way for both people, right? It's a if it's an AI bullshit Then it's like I have to stick to the rules no matter what and there's no humanity here So it's really frustrating because you're you feel stuck my friend is mean to his chat bot And I'm just like I'm like I'm too paranoid. I talk to clause sometimes, but I'm just like thank you Say rise up. I don't want to get fucked up. They're gonna make They're gonna with nice. They might maybe I'll just be a slave. You never know. Yeah, and the in the revolution That's true. Yeah, I revolution. It's common fighting even the AI guys like don't the the heads of AI are like this is bad We've gone too far and then but they're still doing it. I know Have such why are we like we see something terrible happening global warming, you know, anything as simple as smoking like this will kill you're like I know I know The smoking's cool. It is actually smoke. No It is cool. It is cool. I do love You have like one of those little ones everyone's in a while, right? You and Rachel you have a What they call the Virginia sling. Oh, yeah, every once in a while But I prefer like now. I would vape if I could Mm-hmm. The nicotine's not bad for you. You get a nice jolt Drunk cigarette every once in a while drunk cigarette. Oh, I gotta do everyone's while I gotta do it It feels good. They don't count when you're like in Vegas or like You really only do when you're in Europe. Yeah, I wish I'd go in two days You go to Europe a lot. I do. I'm doing another tour there. Hell yeah, excited Italy. Yeah, I'm doing Copenhagen Oh, here it is Rome Athens Munich in Prague. These are great town. Prague. I hear is rough Why I heard about beautiful comedy. Oh, no, no, beautiful city. It should be fine I like it. I like I actually have a good time at Helsinki. It's the Dutch that are oh they're tough kind of quiet They don't laugh that hard no and they come out. That's a weird thing. It's like they yeah, they were comedy fans They come out and I had a joke Rose like after Dutch like they don't laugh and then they come up to you like That is the hardest of a lot of time When I did Amsterdam the promoter or whatever the guy ran this The theater was like, I gotta tell ya, we had three comics before you and they all had a meltdown. I was like, oh great, and I'll tell you who it is after. But they're like great comics. - Yeah. - So that's what those crowds do to ya. - I had a good time last time. I walked out and I said, I know you that you know that I know that you don't laugh. - Okay. - And they all laugh too. But you have to just kinda have to change it up based off the vibe of the room. - Totally. - It's like Spain are like, they're the most excited audience in the history of the planet. - Oh really? - It makes sense. - It makes sense. - Really? - Based on the personalities. I'm like, look at how they are offstage. - Right. - I mean, when you're not in the show. - Yeah. It's different. - The Italians clap more than laugh. - Yeah. - You feel like you're doing an ocean in the 80s. - You just tell a joke. You do a pito joke and they're like, (clapping) (laughing) Weird. - I've never done it, Italy. - You know Milan, you could do Milan for sure. - I would love to Milan. - Yeah, Florence, I bet you could, oh my God. - It's a little. - Dude, I met this woman. I landed Copenhagen. This has never happened to me. She was so nice. She stopped me and she goes, oh my God. Samuel and she starts crying. - That's whoo. - And she goes, I listen to we might be drunk every week. - Really? - It gets me through my shit. I'm with my friend Chase and he goes, has that ever happened? I was like, no one has ever, I'm like, I've made women cry. - Sure, sure, sure. It's never been a good thing. But I was like, this is amazing. She was so nice. - Wow. - She's Florence, Italy. - Florence. Shout out to her. - I love you so much. - Amazing. - It was passionate. - I was like, that has never happened. - That's wild. - Crazy. - Yeah. - And they're good. I performed in Sicily in Palermo, which was really cool. That was a very strange experience. But like, great. - Yeah. - Once again, I gotta go there. - Because they've never had American comic there before. - Wow. - So like, the setup was like, watching this woman from Naples who was like, the manager screaming at all these Sicilians, everyone's yelling. And at one point, they're so Italian. Like, we know, we have a spotlight. And they come with my tour manager. She's like, where's the spotlight? They go, hey, we decided, no. (laughing) She's like, that's my decision. - Yeah. - But then the audience was great. - Yeah. - You know what French? - I like the French a lot, okay. - You know what Asian? - The French is any culture that's trying to be cool is not a great comedy. - I agree. - And the culture is like cool, right? - Yeah. - They're fine. Last show I did, there was good, but I've had a couple of there where I was like, this is fucking rough. - You know what's tough? Is that Upper Scotland? You do try to do crowd work. And you're like, hey man, what do you do? He's like, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah. It's like grounds keeper willy yelling at you. No idea what he's saying. - Same with Belfast. - Oh, Belfast. And these are like, you know, the blue collar people coming out so the accents even thicker and crazier and they're calling you slurs. You don't even know what that means. You know, like, look at this cow on a cow on her. Is that bad? - Yeah. - But fun. They said Jeff R. Curry was there and he's like, you know, he's a whole things crowd work. And he was like, I don't know what you're saying. I don't know what you're saying. So I ruined the show. (laughing) - But I had a good show. - Yeah. - Just an hour of, huh? - Yeah. Could you repeat that? I don't even get it. - It's nice touring in Europe because you get the whole day to yourself 'cause everyone's asleep here. - Right. - It's like a dream joy. - I'm bringing him to your post and I'm excited. - Oh, I'm just bringing my phone out sometimes. I'm like, I'm not going to get a message. It's kind of, it's crazy to do. - But don't you want to take pictures? - No, yeah, I guess I do bring it out. - Sam is ridiculous. He was doing, he was sold out the Chicago theater and I go, don't you want to take a picture at the end? Sam goes, you think I should? I was like, you're that way too, right? - Yeah, I never think about it. - I don't give a shit. - Don't you want to remember? - I got it up here. Who cares? - I got a picture of the marquee. - There you go. - I was just trying, got it, I didn't even get it. But yeah, I don't, you're never like, let me take a picture of the skyline, nothing. - I'll do that. - I'll do that more than myself. My own stuff feels weird taking pictures of you in the audience. - No, no, never, never. - I see people do that and it looks awesome, but it's just not my thing. It is a bit awkward, but if you can kind of work it through in it, it's actually fun for them 'cause then they get to go back and look and see where they sat, I was sitting there right over there. I don't like when my opener goes, "Let's get a photo," and I'm like, "You just want the photo." - Yeah. - You don't like when you want a photo of me, you just want the photo of you at a theater. - Yeah. - They might want one with you. (laughing) - They might want a photo of you. - They photoshopped me out, I checked. - Worst place you've ever performed. - Syracuse, New York. - It's out there for sure. - That's a tough one. - I mean, everyone knows mine, just Naples. I fucking hate this one. - Oh yeah. - Florida, but, you know, awful. - Naples stuff. - How about you guys? - We did. - We did. - Oh, that was a powerful Hall of Fame, baby. - Yeah. - Really, that was a rough weekend. - Oh, is that that one? - Yeah. - Yeah, that is brutal. - They've had a little curtain for your green room. Next to the most blasting music ever. I thought Evan Williams was with me. This is probably like 2017, and it just, - And no one comes out. That's the other thing. I remember De Stefano did a, he was there the night his special came out and there was like 14 people on the go. He sent me the picture. I was like, "My special is out right now." And I was like, "Oh my god." - Yeah, that was rough. - How do I even stay open? - It's a part of the casino. - Yeah, it's a ride off the road. - But an afterthought. - And that's not a fucking happy casino. - That's true. - A Springfield, Missouri, 'cause it's a lot of tweakers in that casino. - Yeah, it's kind of scary around there. - Worcester's bad too, Worcester's a casino. - Yeah. - And it's very fentanyly. - Damn. - I know, there's some really shit. - Casinos are already sad. So when you're like, "Hey, how's the sad casino?" - Yeah, we just did a casino. - Good money. - It could be open for me. - Take it better though, as you get an audience. - I used to win. - I used to win. - A win is cool. - Shout out Dylan, I love the win. Yeah, dude, I used to hate casinos, but once you get your people, it's not as bad. - That's right. - Yeah, do you gamble? - Yeah, little. Winning never feels as good as losing feels bad. - So I just don't, you guys are really good at Blackjack. - Oh yeah. - Yeah, I'll do it sometime. - Finally somebody's actually good at it. - Actually, Nick is shockingly, it's shocking what he's good at, and then shocking what he's wildly delusional. - Right. - Yeah, what are the, what are the actual good? - Well, he's actually really athletic. - Really? - Yeah. - Yeah. - What sports? - What are we talking about here? - Even everything from like volleyball, when we were playing basketball, you were good. - He's a spiky. - Good bowling. - Yeah, bowling. - Yeah, it's really random things. I'll be good at bowling, bad men. - Really good at gambling. - I'm really good at gambling. - Nick is a really, really good at. - All right. - Do you gamble if you go? - Not really, I never win. So I just stop. But I like sitting at the table. - You play Blackjack? - A little, but I'm horrible. - I can't count that fast. - Same. And I got the fat guy with the hockey jersey like, come on, you're hitting on that. What are you doing? And I'm like, I'm sorry. - Actually, you're the guy at the table that would make me crazy, 'cause the guy who doesn't know what to do, you fuck up the whole day. - I know. - Yeah. - I'm just trying to play. - That's kind of me and I got in Vegas one time, yelled out by the guy, but I don't care. And I just started yelling back at him. And I was like, I don't give a shit. - Right. - You're either lucky or you're not lucky. I'm taking the card. - It is ultimately. - And ultimately. - And then they, I know like, I'm killing at me. - Look at the arms on this guy. I would fuck with him. And he wears his like, cruella de Vilco around, got fights in Chipotle, got fights in the air, got fights, and Nick is always fighting. - Are fans? - Oh no, be careful. Don't do the comments. - I've got an amount of purpose. - Okay. - Well, no, the comments, I love. - Do you guys tour together? - Nick will come up and free out a couple of dates, yeah. - Yeah. - Or we'll do sometimes out of town, like live podcast gigs. - Oh cool. - It's fun. - So what you're hoping, do you do us, like, stand up? - Yeah, he's been doing this after a couple of years now. - Hey. - Going on my first tour in February. - Oh my gosh. - And I'm doing Xanies in Chicago in November, if you guys. - Whoa, there you go. - There you go. - Classic. - Can't ruby. - Part of the comedy festival there, I should sign. - Three, one, two, comedy. - My whole family is coming. - Hell yeah. - And they invited you over to my aunt's and his house if you want pasta. - Ooh. - There we go. - All right. - You got my aunt's and you're obsessed with you. - Oh yeah, I love your family, dude. You know, it's crazy. - I was at a coffee spot outside the hotel in Warsaw and the manager, Ryan's father from Xanies. He just starts talking, he's not knowing I'm a comedian. He's just like, "Oh, what are you doing in town?" I was like, "Oh, you know, just some work stuff." He pulls out of me that I'm doing a show. And he goes, "My son runs Xanies." And I was like, "I'm playing Xanies with millions." But it ends up coming to one of the shows. - Oh cool. - Yeah. - But, yeah, it was a kind of, like, he's like, "Oh, I'm going to Copenhagen." I was like, "I'll leave you tickets." - Yeah. - Were you around for the Bert Haas days? - Of course. - Is he not there in your king? - I think he's done, right? - Yes. - Thank God. - He was hated, right? - He hated me, he chewed me out publicly in front of all the other clubs. - Oh, I don't chew you out 'cause he chewed a lot of people out. He also hated me too, so I was like, "Oh, great. I got a story too." - So this guy, Ryan Xanies, for people that don't know, is a small club in Chicago, but a great club. - Great club. - A great club. - A great club. - If you go there, the headshots are like, it's like a museum. - It is. - It's amazing. - So he would run a thing where he's like, come to the club early. Well, look at your head shot and your resume and all that. - He's sitting listening to that hour's speech. - Yes. - You did that? - I was so green. - I'm like, "Star Search Night" or are they called it? - Oh shit. - Yeah, and I was at Chicago with my girlfriend at the time. We just went on a trip to Chicago, and I was trying to be a comedian. I heard about this thing, so I was like, "All right, I'm gonna go down there." And you sit in a circle, and he gives you a little speech, and then he says, "Maybe you'll get on." And I was like, "Oh my God, this is exciting." So I go there, and I kept hearing, "Don't be late, don't be late, okay." So I get there, is it like five for four? And I get there, and it's like 358, 357. So I'm like, "All right, I'm right on time." Doors locked. Huh, what the hell? Look it in there. Hello, nothing, doorbell, nothing, nothing. I go around the back. Shake in the door, nothing. Eventually, some crazy old waitress with a cigarette, it's like, "Can I help you?" And I'm like, "I'm here for the bird-host thing," and she's like, "Oh, baby." It's 401. and I'm like, what? All right, I was on time, whatever. So you better get up there. So I get up there and he's mid speech and there's all these comics around like in a semi-circle. And he's like, "Huh?" And I'm like, "Oh, sorry, I'm here." And he goes, "You think you can be late to this? "You're never gonna make it in this tab. "You're a fucking loser. "This is a problem with comedians or all pieces of shit." And he goes, "Where's your head shot?" And I'm like, "Oh, I don't have a head shot." He's like, "Hey, you don't have a head shot. "You'll never work in this tab again. "Get the hell out of here." - Meanwhile, you probably have like five head shots in that club right now. - I know. So I was like, "I left my tail with two of my legs. "I walked around." I was like, "At the first year." - He didn't want you to stay? - No, he kicked me out of there. - Yeah, he made an example out of me. - He got into a fight with my old agent. This is in like 2013. And so I fight about not even really me. And then he was like, "Well, then Mateo's never "working Xanies again. "So for years, I couldn't work my own home club." - Wow. - So I would work, thank God, the Lincoln Lodge, which I love. And I would do so many shows of the Lincoln Lodge. And then by the time I came back to Xanies to work on the material, I had her done the Chicago Theater burp. But I was like, God, you're such a, he was so, and he did the same thing. You sit there, he gives you this hour speech. - Look, I never have to sit through this. - There was some good stuff about it, really? - Yeah, I mean, you know, you're a young comic and you wanna learn. And so I like that, like, there's someone telling you about their side of comedy. I didn't understand booking. I didn't understand clubs. Like, there was a lot of benefits to that. But he was way too unfair. - But those dudes were obsessed. - Those dudes were always obsessed with their own, they sounded their own voice, their power. There was a guy named Tom Sobel who did this to me and barris me in front of everyone. I did this festival in Asheville, and I did well. And I got off stage and he goes, see this comedian, made an example of me, he did really well, but he holds his mic up here. He goes, if you wanna do comedy, you wanna down here. So everyone can see your face. And he just try, and by the way, the guy's like a co-cat, a fucking business, but he just had to like, he couldn't have pulled me aside, so he was on the show. He wanted to make a show of it all. - It's a power thing for those guys. But here's the thing, you know, you go back to New York, you work your way up to the ranks, open mics, to creak all this shit. One day I headlined Xanies, and I remember flying there, like, oh, is that guy gonna be there? Oh jeez, wonder if he remembers me, whatever. I get to the club, we sold some tickets, and I walk in and Bert's like, hey, put it there, I'm Bert. And I'm like, hey. - Did you confront him? - No, I felt like Jean Valjean. (laughing) Jabbair, forgot, he forgot that I was this piece of shit. And he was like, I even brought it here. - We had shot that time too. - And you were stolen bread from the club early. (laughing) - But he never remembered, and I just said, fuck it, and let it fly. - Yeah, because you don't end that moment, it's like, it doesn't matter. - Yeah, the war's over. - The war's over, and I-- - The war's over, and I'm won by headlining. But you know, maybe it's, I don't know, maybe some of that stuff, there's some good in it too, you know? 'Cause you remember it, not even-- - Sure. - It's so easy. - Yeah, sure. - He shows up to your show at 801, you're like, get the fuck out. - Yeah, but that's the thing with the young cop, I feel like, that would happen. They would go on Instagram and go, I just got kicked out by this fucking asshole, but back in the day, I just-- - By the way, that is a fucking epidemic. - It really is. - People are like, you know, that impulse to go public with everything. - But yeah, but it's, you're doing it, not even, whatever happened to just settling shit, like, I know, I don't know how to explain it. - Public now, I know. - Because it's currency, you get clicks, and you just-- - Get clicks, you know? - And you get-- - I go girl, or whatever, you know, people like root for you, but yeah, I don't engage. - I agree. - Yeah. - But also, what do you guys think of like, really young comics, you know, like a year or two and posting their stuff online? - I think it's a short money. - Wait, anonymity is a gift. - Yeah, I think that's good. - Go get good. - It's tough, 'cause you need to work, and I think some of them are trying to get more work, so they can get better, but then some of them, it's like, yeah, it's probably like, putting your first audition tape on YouTube, if you're a fucking, you know, great actor. - I really see, I do see both. - Oh yeah. - Things are changing. - Yeah, we have to change, right there. - And we were-- - Yeah, and we were-- - Wave of changing. - But I would post, like if I have some VHS tapes from my old, back in the day, from like the comic strip, I'm like, oh my god. - You're learning Adams watching this. (laughing) - And he's like, but uh-- - Yeah, I'm so glad they're not out there. - Yeah. - 'Cause I wasn't good. - Yeah. - I mean, that's okay. It's okay. - It's okay. I mean, I remember like, - But you would send those to clubs, but they weren't online. - That's right. - I think a private link would maybe be better. - Yeah. - But yeah, they were trying to go on. - Get it, like I watch them-- - I get it. - Part of me thinks like, oh, you should like wait till like, you're fully formed, and this might stunt your growth as an artist, but then I'm also like, well, I think times have also changed. So maybe that's just the way it is now. But I-- - That's true. - 'Cause obviously we can post, 'cause we have 18 some years of doing it. - Right, right. - But some people blow up just talking to the phone, like face to camera shift. - Yes. - Which I think Nick should do, by the way, because he's naturally funny. He's, he has an opinion, he calls me nine times a day about celebrity gossip, I know none of them have been calling. - And it's like, and it's like, Nick, you would be so funny. I like people would love to hear pop culture stuff. - Yeah. - They would love it. - You should be doing that. - And his act is really good. - Thank you. - It's actually very good. - I'm excited to see you. - No, it's great, it's great. - All right. - But you should do that, Nick. - If Mark says so, I don't know. - You're built for this. Opinionated, I mean, he's shaped like this. (laughing) - Can't hold the phone. - Right, you're not the shakes, but. - But now I get it too, and you get a dope of me to hit. Hey, this, it's got a couple of views. And maybe you can find your voice online, see what works best and what doesn't. So yeah, I get it. And you know, you don't want to be the boomer, yelling at the cloud, like these kids today, so. - I know. - You know, I get it, I totally get why they do it. They're trying to get work. Like, that's how you get seen. I mean, think about it. Like, we did it with open mics. You hope someone would see you in an open mic. - Yeah, you hope someone would see you. So you're hoping comics you're funny too. So I totally get why they do it. Back in the day, the shows that you were talking about, like those were the shows to get on. - Right. - Those don't really exist anywhere. - That's true. - And the people aren't going to shows to see people. They're just going to your Instagram and watching your clips. Just going to clips on your Instagram. They're not going to book you for your show. - Right. - 'Cause they're not going to show us to see you. - Yeah, it's a catchpoint too. I get it. I mean, look, that's one thing I'm open to. I'm open. Things just changed. I mean, look, we came in and did things differently than the generation before us. I'm sure they were like, you don't do it that way. - Yeah, what the hell? - You got to wait around the club until 2 a.m. until they'll give you a five minutes and then you're getting like, I'm just going to go do it at the creek because I do. - But yeah. But at the same time, there's so much stuff out there that you're like, what does a clip even mean anymore? - I know. - It's all so just, you know. - It's a bit weird. - It's a bit weird. - It's a bit weird. - It's a bit weird. - What's the question for you? When you all did like comedy central half hour or 15 or whatever, like one of your first big filmed gigs. When you filmed that material and they released it, did you still do that material at the clubs and on the road? Or were you like, okay, I'm done with that now. - You mean off it. - Yeah, you kind of just, you do it at your pace. - 'Cause you did it fairly early on. - Yeah, yeah. - So it's like, - Yeah, well, I think 14 people watched your half hour comedy central specials. So I was like, get it beyond this time. - I could tell those jokes today. - Yeah. - What's that one from? - But it might don't hit. I was like, everybody's singing it. I can't do this. But yeah, 10 people watching it. - But you know, we did a kind of similar trajectory, the half hour and then we did the hour. And it was, I remember it was like, yeah, we would write together all the time. And it was like that thing where you're like, yeah, you try to ween off it. You do what you have to to survive on the road in these papered rooms where not everyone was there to see you. But then you slip it in and as quickly as you can, you're like, oh, feels, you're like cutting one joke at a time, right? - Yeah. - It felt like, yeah. - There was this comic in LA. She had this viral joke from like a news appearance. - That means, yeah, we did it. - Yeah, and she talks about it today and she had an interesting take on it where she was saying, before if you had a viral joke or something, you sort of stopped doing it live 'cause it's burned, yada, yada, and she was like, hey, now it's switched to almost like going to a concert for singers where the audience there is waiting for you to do that joke because they recognize that joke. So she was like, I'll be doing my set. I know that they're waiting for me to say my Jambini Ramsey bit. - Right. - I know they're waiting for it. - It's like the part that I say it when I do it at the same time. - Yeah, yeah, that is just the one. - Just sit and like it. - I didn't do it. - Only I, me do the dance. (laughing) - Yeah, my wife is obsessed with this guy. Noah Conn, you know the singer? - No. - Well, he's huge. He does Shae Stady and all these places. And. - Cityfield. - Cityfield, thank you. This guy, it's all the women love him. - Like a bow. - Yeah, nice. - No, he's Jewish. - But big star, big guy. But I had to watch his documentary 'cause she liked him so much. And he's like, yeah, you know what I mean? He's on TikTok, like they show him struggling. And he's like, I've been at this two years. I don't know when it's gonna break. And then you know, he blew up a year later or whatever. And you're like, that's the difference now. - Two years. - He was playing guitar on TikTok and just started gaining fans, gaining fans. And after like four years, he was doing theaters. - So what the fuck do we know? Like that? - We don't know, that's what I'm saying, it's like, you know. Well, we're participating in a game that we, you know, started early on, but I think. - There's benefits though, 'cause if you blow up, you can grow. But then also like, I love, I remember Mike D. Stefano, R.I.P. Mike. I used to seem to go up at like a high comedy club. - Yeah. - And he would do like every night there. You'd see like, get up like four nights. So four nights, four times a night here. And it was like, yeah, like bombing in the shadows. I like that I can grow here. I like that no one here matters to me. - Yeah. - And I'm never gonna see them LOL. - And I can be a LOL, was that like that? But like, dude, I love that about like the comic strip or LOL or any of these clubs I could just like fucking. - No stakes. - No stakes. I can fail. - You need to release the straight jacket. - Mm-hmm. - But then some guys just show up fully formed. Like I think like Michael Chase showed up kind of fully formed. - Yeah, he was like, I had to fall face forward a lot. - Same. - I still fall face forward. - Yeah, but I feel like Chase showed up and I was like, yeah, he just kind of knows who he is. But he also started late. than us. True. He was older as it comes. I think he had more confidence in what kind of person he was. Like Nick. Yeah, but like I was like 18 when I started. So I was like, I don't really know, yeah, I don't know who the fuck I am. Yeah. You know, you're talking about like, my first joke should be about like class. Friendly buts always said. She was like, "Friendly buts made a great point about writers." You know, we're writers essentially. Yeah. She was like, yeah, you see prodigy and acting and music and sports, you do not see in writing because in writing, you have to know something. Oh, I was like, that's actually really very well. Most of the best comics hit their prime in their 40s, right? Yeah, yeah. So it's all downhill for us. Or it's, you know, there's a couple exceptions like Eddie Murphy, right? But for the most part, it's. But do I sound like an old man shaking my head? I'm trying to. No, no, no, no. I'm saying I get it. I'm just feeling like, yeah, I don't want to resist it. Like if this is the way it moves, it's the way it moves, but. Yeah, Michelle was a great writer. Michelle was good, pretty much. Michelle was. Michelle was working all the time. Like if Michelle was like, "Jay, she was also a little older when she started and she was, I think, fully formed." Yeah, the workhorse. She was writing, writing, writing, all the time. Totally different energies. Oh my god. Michelle had like a sense of urgency and Jay was just kind of like chill. She was one of my first shows in New York. Yeah. I would use to do the Grizzly pair together. Wow. Open mics with the Grizzly pair at 4pm. How do you guys do it? I don't know either. She was so sweet. I just hung out with her in Barcelona and she came. I did some time on my show. So nice to catch up with her. I fucking love Michelle. I missed her in Lisbon, but like a couple of. She's also somebody like, if you're ever struggling, you know when you're like thinking out of joke and you're like, "Where does needs to go to another place and stuff?" Yes. You text Michelle Wolfe. I'm like within seconds, 50 jokes. I know. She's so good at angles. Like if she has that face to camera stover, she does. I'm like, "Oh, how do we miss that about Trump or that about Elon Musk? It's always some great take I know and thought of. She's like the Wolfe and Pulp Fiction. I call the Wolfe. Call the Wolfe. Yeah. Fix it. Do you know, have you ever met Michelle Wolfe Nick? I think once maybe with you, but very briefly. She's amazing. She's an amazing writer. Yeah, I did her room in Barcelona and she's she's like a god over there. Yeah. It was really cool. Great room. Wish I knew the name of it. I think I did it once. It was like an Irish bar. Yeah. Downstairs. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's really cool. Can I ask about Peeves? Did they set you up, but you know that we do? I got to pee if anything that just annoys you guys. I'll give you one. I thought you were. Yeah. I was on a flight and this annoys me when you're on your ground for like ever and then you finally take off and you have to piss and the flight attendant's like, sit down, sir. And I was like, it's stable. You gotta let me, I got to pee. It's been a long time. And she's like, it's not safe. And I was like, well, you're standing. Yeah. And you're old. Yeah. Why do you get to stand? I thought you'd stand better. You know, when I see someone standing, the second flight attendant stands up, then I'm like, I'm gonna go pee because I have to be all the time too. I think of their standing. I should be allowed to stand. And I'm also literally, I'm just gonna pee and run back to my seat. I agree. I'm not trying to make a scene. I'm not the guy who got fucking duct tape. Yeah. Yeah. That look is not real. That duct tape guy. Yeah. Oh, yeah, that was hysterical. That was great. Pull it up. That was great. That in the Mitch McConnell. What? He looks in not even that. He signed a potato. I know. Oh, look at that. That's duct tape is very, very efficient. But yeah, Mitch McConnell looked like me when I saw the Sydney Sweeney ad. Yeah. What peeves you guys got? How about this one? You get the guy who you ask you, you know, shot JFK. And they're like, yeah, yeah. What's going on? I go Jack Ruby because yeah, yeah, Jack Ruby. Like you didn't know when they they pretend to know it. Okay, shut the guy. Sorry. Yeah. What's the exam? Hoover? No. President? Why am I forgetting his name? I forget the same to Oswald. Oswald. He shot Oswald. I got the wrong guy. We shot Nixon for Jody Foster. What was his name? I wasn't Nixon. No, who shot who tried Reagan to try to raise a rate. Hinkley. Hinkley. Yeah. But yeah, you go. Who shot Brady? That's the Brady. That's the Brady. That comes from me. He shot his guy Brady. Oh, it was for Jody Foster. I know. Kind of flattering. I love Jody. Maybe a part of it was like, I am kind of impressed. Yeah, on some level. I feel like it was following the taxi driver thing. It was completely because she was like 12 in it. She was like 14. She was young. Isn't it crazy? You made this like brilliant piece of art in taxi driver and then a guy gets these fucking inspired to do that by. Yeah. Yeah. I got killed. What's that movie made, Pesh? Temptation of Christ. What happened? Passion of the Christ. Jesus. He got killed for it. No, they got killed at a theater because of the movie. It was a big deal back then. Why? It was like a religious nut. He was like, you got to shut this theater down. This is sacrilegious and he killed somebody. I'm not religious. Pull it up. I know. I know. Yeah. But yeah, when the guy, Clue doesn't know, you say the answer. Then he goes, Oh, yeah, that's it. Yeah. You didn't know. That annoyed me. Pat Peave of mine when you're on the road and you know, you have to order food. There's no food around. And you're in the middle of nowhere and you order food and it has no plastic fork or knife. Oh, that happened to me recently. I'm just like, okay, so I'm just eating it with my hands in my bed like I'm some sort of like on my survivor or something. Yeah. I'm like, you know, I don't know. That would be nice. I mean, I'm in the middle of Ohio and there's no restaurants in sight. I just needed a fork to eat dinner. You get creative. Let me use a coffee stir or a pen. Yeah, you figure it out. Yeah. How about this guy? This is another peave. The guy, it's just you and me. We're in a hotel room playing video games. Sure. And you go, hey, you're hungry and you go me. Just me and you. You get the guy who just says me and I'm like, who else does no one here? I know another pet people and you tell someone like, they go, have you ever seen such and such movie I go know and they go, you've never seen such a thing. There's a lot of movies out there. Yeah. And I can't go back in time and be like, actually, yeah. No, I'm not. Why would we have to instead? You know, they're not that shocked that I've not seen it. Everyone I said I hadn't seen it. Let's go with that one. Why do I have to say it again? Sam, you've ever had a girlfriend or had a dog and then a dog jumps in the bed during sex? Yeah, sometimes they join in. You know, - Oh, great. - Cheese, dog style. - Uh, no, luckily that dog can get very high in the bed. - Oh, yeah. - Oh, yeah. - Little Winnie, little Winnie. - Winnie, is we? - No, still going to-- - What? - Go, go, go, go, go. - What? - Far as I know, still going to-- - Like, fucking a-- - That's crazy. - That's crazy. - Keith Richards. - Yeah, legend. - Legend, won't die. - You got a peeve? - That's what got to-- - I have a lot of them. Probably Chipotle 'cause I go every day. - I love Chipotle. - I go every day. - Come on, what did you know they start ranking? Do you have the app? - No. - Do you have the points, Mark? - I can't sign up for things. - I'm sick of that's another peeve app. - And app for everything. - Yeah, but you get the points. - I do like points, I hate apps, I hate downloading shit. - They recently ranked on the app. It, like, told you you're in the top blank percentage of customers or how many times you've visited number one. - For nationwide, what percentage of the top blank percent do you think I was in? - Top 10. - Nationwide. - Top 10. - Top 10? - Three percent? - Yeah. - That's a eight. - I would say 10 percent. - Top point, oh one percent. - Whoa, you're one percenter. - Holy shit, how does that work? - I don't know. I'm also taking out a mortgage to pay for Chipotle. I go, I'm not kidding, I go every day. - Do you have a bidet? 'Cause the shit's from Chipotle or pretty. - What's your oil? - Wild. - A bowl. So this is my peeve. Stop with the skimpy portions. - I'm with you if any. - You're working minimum wage. You're not getting like, fuck the man. - Yeah, screwing you over and you want to screw us over. - And you know what, I shouldn't have to ask for extra everything. - I'm with you and I'll say this. I don't like sour cream. - I don't either. - Okay, so I get everything else. But the sour cream, when you do get it, they scoop that fucker on. - Oh yeah, I know, yeah. - Like they try to drown it. - Yes, yes. - I use that with corn. I'm always like just a little corn. They just take the bucket and dump it on it. - And the chicken sounds really good, man. - It's three cute. - I always, okay, this is, it's not a peppy, but I always ask if it's okay. Like I'm not on a busy day. But I do have that thing where cilantro tastes like soap. - Oh, it was good. - Like it really ruins it. I eat it and it's awful. So you can, say, is it possible that I could get the rice without cilantro? They'll do it. - I didn't know that. - Yeah, 'cause they have a whole thing of white rice ready to go. - Right. - They put in the cilantro. And it makes the meals so much better. Otherwise, the whole thing just tastes like soap. Like you just taste one bite of cilantro. You're like, ugh, the meals are ruined. - Yeah, it does. - The cilantro is nothing for me. - Man, man, it's like whatever. - I have another peppy of New York related, cab drivers. We've lost the, that's the right word. - The art? - The art of cab driving. - I've been in several yellow cabs lately 'cause they were available. I go and I say where I'm going. And they type it into. - Oh, you are a cab driver. - It's kinda like when they measure the shot of a cocktail. - Yeah. - I want you to do it with a little fucking, yeah. - Bro, look at his eyes. - I want to get in a cab, say here, and you get me there, barely. - Yes. - Sigarette hanging out of the mouth, go too fast. - I do, I feel like I have. - Yeah, I used to take cabs all the time when I lived in the Upper East Side after the seller, I'm used to the way outside. - Yes. - There was a week and I would take a cab up and- - I did the same thing. - Yeah, it was great. - Yeah, yeah, you're right, that's a good one. Although I got in the cab in Regina, Canada. - Excuse you? - Yeah, I know, that's an effort. It was right in the clit. And I gotta, they got me a cab to the airport 'cause I guess they don't have Uber there. And I mean this guy, the car was fucked up. It was, there was trash in it. He smelled like hell on earth. And, you know, I don't know where he was from, but we took forever to get there. He went to the wrong gate. I mean, it was brutal. I was like, give me an Uber when I get back home. So, you start to realize, like, oh, maybe Kebs are on the way out. - It's weird. - It's sad. I know, New York is changing, changing. - It is. - Well, plug some dates. - Yes! - Get the podcast. - So, our podcast, I never liked you. You could try it anywhere. - One more last comment. - Two weeks? - Yeah. - Seven. - There you go. - Great. - Oh, look, I look great. - Oh, Elliot. - What was I gonna say? - Look. - The podcast I never liked. - That was in Spain. - Wow. - That was in, it was in. - Are you going in Munich? - Yes, I'll be Munich, Athens. I'll be Rome, Denver. Oh, we added a second show to the Denver Paramount Theater. So, please comment. - Right, theater. - Pittsburgh, October 15th. - Stanford, Connecticut, October 22nd. - Let me give you a musical. - Mm-hmm. - Nice. - Yeah, coming to Montreal, Ottawa. Yeah, do it. - Motelinkcomedy.com. - Where you at on your hour? Have you got a new hour? Is it a no? - I'm in the middle of the tour with this hour. - Got it. - So, I started it September of last year. It will end May of next year. - Okay. - And then you tape? - Maybe. - Well, you know, I asked and guess who says no. - Really? - Yeah, he said no. - That is why. - Oh, I'm sorry. - It's months and months and months of them being like, well, we're thinking about it. - I bet they come around. - They mark. - I got to feel it. - It's a bit mark. - They gave Joe to Rosa one. Come on. - They acquired. - They acquired. - Yeah, yeah. - Like if you did it yourself, I will talk later. - Yeah, yeah, we'll talk later. - And the podcast. - And the podcast. - I guess I never liked you. - Nick, tell him about your tour. - Well, the tour hasn't been announced yet, but it'll be in February and March. - Okay. - And the coastal city. - And Chicago. - And then Chicago is in November. You can get tickets. - And they get tickets. - At my wingtree, 'cause my website hasn't launched yet. - Okay. - Okay. - Or just go to zaneeds, Chicago. - There you go. - I'll mark out the tickets there. - And if you're here to grow into it. - Can I see you with this? - Yeah. - Can I move it? - Oh, yeah. - They're gonna, I love the crunchy. - It's crunchy. - It looks so good. - And it's numb. Do you have that? It was kind of numb. - It'll be numb for a while. - Okay. - It's very strange. - He picked you up from surgery. - The wife. - It was like an abortion. - My wife picked me up. - His wife picked me up. - 27. - My wife. - 27th. Oh, yeah. Starting November. By the way, special September 29th Netflix. Please watch that incorrect. So it's out in two days. Phoenix, November 13th through 15th. Pittsburgh, 19th through 21st. Cleveland, December 3rd through 5th. Madison, December 10th through 12th. And then Maryland. The following weekend, Timonium, Maryland, West Palm, all that shit. See Miami, all over. Building back up. - Gotta build. - Gotta build new jokes, man. It's fucking hard. - Build a bear. - We'll get there. - We'll get there. Comedy works. Denver, one of the great clubs. - Oh, a back club. - Great room. - Great room. - And then it comes to stay. - I mean, what? Back to back. - Two bangers. - And the best clubs. - It's, yeah. It's pretty great. What else you got there? - Oh, sorry. - Portland, Helium. - Helium's great too. - Mark, these are the best ones. - Yeah. Well, back at the clubs, I got to build an hour here. - Also, the San Jose improv is great. It's like a mini theater. - I know. It's great. - It's cute. - balcony, big room. We'd use some help with San Jose. And Tropicana and Atlantic City and Win Creek event. Casino, Palazzo and Vegas at the Venetian and India, California at another casino and then Charlotte Comedy Zone. And I think we're good. - You know what Tropicana at Atlantic City had for a while? - No. - The best hooters. - No way. - I didn't see that coming. - And you know what? Hooters has the best clam chowder. And that's not a joke. - Is that right? - Really? - I got great clam. I'll tell you that much. - Yeah. - All right. You guys have been great. - Yeah. - See you guys. - I'm good, but they get whiskey. See you guys on next. - You're going hooters. I'm going to Dick's Board of Goods. I was just leaving it out. ♪ Sunday's the day for my next vendors ♪ ♪ A bit of fever, I can't know the future's close ♪ ♪ I've had a little too much urban ♪ ♪ And Norman's talking shit about the fucking coast ♪ ♪ And I get down in the same way ♪ ♪ Up on the roof like a cop's coming ♪ ♪ And they can send you well as feeling dangerous ♪ ♪ I'm out to lunch here in New Orleans ♪ ♪ This woman doesn't look like I remember her ♪ ♪ And I get down in the same way ♪ ♪ We might be true ♪