Matteo Lane and Nick Smith Survive the Rainforest

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It's been a while. It's been a couple of years since we've had you on Mateo. You're new, Nick. I am. I forgot how powerful your voice is. What do you mean? Like, it's just as like-- I know it's too much. It's not too much, but inside it's like I feel the vibration. Well, I mean, I think I have dictator vibes. You know what I mean? Kim Jong-un, you're-- Just the vibes. Yeah, yeah, I only have the vibes. Excuse me? I was like, do I need them? You don't need them. Am I too loud? No. Actually, yeah, yeah, yeah. What does this mean? It's too much. [LAUGHTER] You're already out in the live. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I can go back to a nine. Could you? Yeah, I don't think I can. I don't-- yeah, yeah, yeah. It's too much. I'm sorry. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But Nick, you're new to the podcast. Welcome. Thank you. Yeah, you guys have a podcast as well. We do, unfortunately. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What is it called? I never liked you. I never liked you. But you guys do like each other. No, debate. Contractually, we love each other. Yeah. What is something that you guys disagree on? Almost-- there's a lot. We do agree with each other. I would say disagree-- disagree in everything. Yeah, yeah, yeah. When one we first met each other, we did not like each other. Right. The way you shower. Well, because we're-- No, I'm 12. He's six but seven. He's actually so miserable in every shower. But we met through Bob the drag queen, and then he brought him in. And Bob was like, oh, he has no gay friends. And then we met him. And we were like, yeah, now we know why. So the gays don't even like you, Nick. No, no. Well, these gays apparently. Oh, there's other different types. There are a lot of different types of gays. I don't know the world. I'm so-- Don't act like you. How I ever did in Los Angeles in the entertainment industry, this lobby, and you've been friends with me, and suddenly you have no idea the different types of gays. I don't know the-- You're wearing those glasses, and you don't know types of gays. Evidently, you know Elton John, so you know one type of gays. I know one gays, yeah, yeah, all right. I know Brian Singer. Well, that's a different type of gays. That's a different type of gays, right? There was all gay people that existed, you jumped to Brian Singer. I'll tell you why. Why? Can I tell you why? Sure. Because a long, long time ago, right, and this-- I don't want to-- I'm just going to say it, OK? Sure. Right. So every Friday night, I would go to the IHOP next to the comedy store, which you love, right? I love IHOP. And I would see the game off you there. And who was involved? It was Singer. Yeah. Spacey. Oh. Yeah, it was all-- They hung out. Oh, yeah. I think they were plotting at IHOP. Do you think you-- you know sometimes you post AA meetings, or I was at a diner, or like-- Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what it is, right? But that's a positive talk. And then you go to IHOP, and they're just plotting the demise of-- The meeting after the meeting. Right. Are you in 12 steps? No, I'm not. But I'm going to go into my friends. Of course, Bobby. OK. Every-- this is shocking. But all my friends-- literally, all my friends are in the program. Oh, the point where I'm always like, there's no crosstalk. So I just-- I'm very much-- Yeah. I always want to bother-- you know, Evan Williams, right? Yeah. I want to humiliate him, because he's always so proud of himself for the speech as he gives, but in front of me, he can. So I want to sneak into one of his meetings, and he'll be like, oh, shut up, everyone. Today-- oh, my gosh. [LAUGHTER] Oh, there's-- And I would be like, sir, there's no crosstalk, man. Oh, because you know stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah, everything. Well, it's called a pitch, right? So when I'm in the A meeting, it's so Hollywood. It's so Hollywood. But I have-- when I've been asked to be the main speaker, and I know I-- it's like a set. I know exactly what I'm going to say, but none of it's real. But do you feel-- But do you feel-- [LAUGHTER] I don't know if it's real. Walk that back. How many times have you done these steps? Because that doesn't seem right in that back. Yeah, run it. It does not seem like it's doing this. Yeah, yeah. So I never talk about the steps ever, because I don't know much about them. That's it. Like, you must. I've done them, but I don't know much about them. OK. The point is, is you're sober. That's all that counts. I'm sober. I go to the meetings. Good. But sometimes I'll go, can you be the main speaker? So I have a comedy, also, a real spit. I'd scroll, so I know. Hold on, is it-- how much time are you doing? 45 minutes. 45 minutes. [LAUGHTER] I can paint it. I'm headlining it. But are you doing this game thing every-- Do you ever just-- In the back of a church? Yes, in the back of a church. But are you ever finding yourself like subconsciously soliloquing into your act? Oh, yes. It's like-- And that's when I was. Has anyone ever been to TGI? I fucked up on Tuesday. Yeah, yeah. Sometimes there's pockets where your gut goes. This is where you put a joke. Yeah, of course. And you'll get a laugh. I do that in therapy. I don't know if you guys do it in therapy. Like, I'll be in therapy. And I'm like, well, I have to insert a joke. Yeah. You know, the timing is perfect. Yeah, here's what happened one time. I was main speaking at a club. At an agency. Of course. They had a podium, right? The club of Christ. So there was a podium, right? And they had like, you know, a booklet. Like, it was like a-- where you do the how it works. And people read off of it. Birthdays. It's like a folder. And it dropped. And I-- I'm speaking. And I went down to pick it up. But I did 45 seconds. So I've just been there. And then I came up. I finally got it. And that got a-- And they still didn't see you above the podium? No. But see, this is-- Sorry, Nick. Sorry, not everyone. Sorry, although it would see if you as your ankles. You fucking-- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Jesus Christ. Mateo, now I get Nick. Yeah. Are you in the monitor? With that comment, I get it. Yeah, you're a monster. All right. But I love you. Thank you. You don't have to say things. You don't mean it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You can just say-- So when I say types of gays is-- Oh, I forgot that. Yeah, yeah. I remember everything. You said Brian Sam. I remember you have a bear trap. Yeah. All right. Are there like silver lake? Is there like-- We live in New York. I was gonna say, LA, we're not super familiar with it. Oh, you're not. Oh, OK. But I don't-- You're not gonna offend me. Oh, what could you possibly do in this? That's not been uttered as-- I had a Ari on earlier. This is Kyle's play. A common gay body type. OK, we're-- I know the bear. I know the bear. OK, great. Let's determine which one Bobby is. He's more than the last couple. OK, no. Where's Slenderman for Nick? Yeah. [LAUGHTER] Oh, you are Slenderman. Oh, my God. Was that-- He was to be funny. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You have a spooky look in the night. Yeah, yeah. Like if I was in a house and it was dark, you would have a spooky-- like the ring girl. I know what you mean. Some are. Some are. If it was a Japanese girl that I was living with, in the dark, I would be scared. OK. And if I had Slenderman living with me, I'd be scared as well. All right. All right, so let's look at the body type. I'll take it. Go ahead. Yeah, yeah. Well, you were going to tell me what I had. I don't think the twings are following exactly what it is. There are bears, but this will be useful. They call Asian bears pandas. [LAUGHTER] So Bobby could be like a panda cub. Because you're not quite a bear. Is that trunic? Yes. Oh, so I'm a panda cub in the scene. Yeah. And now, are they attracted to me? Who attracted to you? If I'm at a club, I'm at-- you know what I mean? Everyone has people that they're attracted to. Have you dance? [LAUGHTER] Like a panda. Like that, no. I have to do it. I'm going to drop ski falling on my head. - Dude, I'm in a zoo, I just was just born. - I didn't do it. - There's an audience, it was born. - It was born, it was a panda. - Yeah, yeah, that's what I'm doing. - Like pick 'em up. - I'm chewing on bamboo. - You imagine, I'm at the club with a bit, bam, bam, bam, bam. - Oh, you got bamboo in your mouth. - I just, yeah, yeah, bamboo. - Yeah, whatever. - And so, yeah, I don't know how to do it. But my, plate, you did it right some time. I don't know how to do it. - I've heard it at the first time. - Meanwhile, I'm trying to do a blush at the fact that you did it so perfectly. (laughing) - I have done it before. - Good. - Yeah, yeah. - Anyway, wait, when? Where? - In high school. - Okay. - Yeah. - A couple of times. - Willingly? - Yeah, willingly. - Okay, great. - No, for you. - Yeah, because I'm an explorer. - Sure. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm so-- - So it was Magellan. - Magellan, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I was gonna say Columbus. Yeah, yeah, but you went on the same-- - You were exploring. - Yeah, so Ben would find me attractive. Like, would I get some action? - You were the one sucky to be back. - Why, you're good looking. - Why wouldn't you have trouble? - Because I'll tell you this, if I'm at a straight club, right-- - Okay. - A night mirror. - A night mirror. (laughing) I really don't get, I've never gone to a club and went, "Oh, I got somebody's number." - But also you're a comic. You wanna go to a club and get someone's number. - Yeah, yeah. - And those are the people you wanna get a number from. They're waiting for two hours outside. (blows raspberry) - Yeah, waiting outside of the freezing cold. - You were dry buying, like, "Oh, God." - Yeah, but I mean, I've done it, and it doesn't work. - But you aren't, you're like, if you're at a comedy club, it's so much cooler. - It's on the stage. - It's too late to come here. - Yeah, you're like, "That's like, that's a comic." - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Yeah. - Run down with a bunch of 21-year-olds and be like, "This is my moment to meet some hot shit." Like, "What's wrong with you?" - Well, let's segue to Coachella. You had questions about-- - I do have questions, because-- - Lots of questions. - Yeah, we were just, oh, you didn't actually go. - Yeah, I was there with the intention of going, didn't end up going, but I was still in Palm Springs with the gang. - Had you been before? - Oh, yeah. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. - So she has some life experience. - Yeah. - Okay. - What are your questions about Coachella? - Well, because I've never been to Coachella, but it's so fascinating to watch the post- Coachella reaction on YouTube and obviously it's like the sensational stuff of like, "This person spent $34,000, and then they show these clips." She's like, "So Coachella cost me about $78,000." (all laughing) Then I'm watching some gay guy. Like, rearrange, he's like, "All right, so obviously, he's dressed like he's going to the fucking Hampton." He's in a fucking tent. And he's like, "So I thought last year I put in mattress, and I thought, no, no mattress this time to the safe space, I have a corner, couch that's blow up now, you have to give it accessory." And after that, I put a director's hair. Now, if you look down here, and I'm like, "Hold on a second, this guy, it's like, and it's amazing, good for him, I heard it blew away." But I, which is kind of, you know, but the video exists, and that I can get behind. But it's like, is this the experience, or, it's either that? With Kylie Jenner's either in like a private jet flying down for four hours to fly back, or people are shitting on themselves in the mud and eating pizza at $40,000. I got more of a Kylie Jenner situation. How? How'd you hook it up? (all laughing) What'd it be? How did you hook it up? No, it's not about, I didn't, no, it was the director of the whole festival. Happens to be a fan. Well, then I need to be a fan of it. (all laughing) I need to be a fan of it. Yeah. No, but I want to see what it's like during the daytime. There's really a few, I would say. There's music during the day. Yeah, like, but like a-- Did you stand up Nick? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, right. So you would be at, during the day, and he would be at night. (all laughing) So no one's coming. Yeah, yeah, and he's on the main stage. You're in some camp in the, you know what I mean? Oh, sure, sure. Yeah, so there's music during the day, but it's nobody's, right? No, there are people that have an audience. Nobody. I mean like that. Headliners aren't during this. Yes, Sabrina and Madonna are going at night. They're all with the night. And Ty, when I was at one in the morning. Did you see Justin Bieber? I won in the morning. He finished at one in the morning. Yeah. And that's why I left. Finished, now. Finished, as if he's at the end like, (all laughing) YouTube, Jesus Christ. (all laughing) He did what I did to watch him. I mean, that's out of the form. So what happens is, what happened was-- But Bobby loves the whole singing to himself to his old YouTube videos, Justin Set. You loved it. Yeah. You loved it. I hate it, I mean, I don't hate it, but it's like, what else am I expecting? You're not going to wait one in the morning to do it. No. Although that's usually when Gays sit around showing each other their favorite YouTube videos anyway. No, Justin Bieber. Well, no, sure, but it's the same like, we like seeing him around showing each other YouTube. Sure, yeah. What's been your favorite performer you've ever seen at Coachella? Honestly, I don't think anyone can top Beyonce. No, that's not-- Beyonce Coachella was like, it was insane. And it was just the tempo and the effort. It was like, nonstop for three hours. I was exhausted standing up just watching. Yeah, how many people are in the audience? Like, how many are-- Like, if it's like you're in Genpop, you're in Genpop, you know, with the rest of the crowd. OK. Thousands. Not just thousands. You're talking about 100,000. Yeah, but then you can be off to the side of the IP and have your little section. And then you can be like Bobby, where you're like, right up on the fence with your artist pass. Yeah, so I saw the strokes. Yeah. And my-- so what you said Beyonce, she's trying, right? I like this thing. She doesn't try, she does. OK, what do you mean? Just does. She's like-- Everyone does. No, no, no, no. No, no, no, no, no, Nick, what? You, be honest. You think Beyonce and Justin Bieber are doing the same thing. They're doing, but not the same thing. But they're still doing. OK, that might have been the worst. But it's not. It's not. It's the worst. If you think about it, it responds to ever. No, no, you're saying they're doing. What other verb am I going to use to describe the action of creating something? Do you find them equal in their performance? No, no, there's effort now. Who? So there's effortless and effort. There's people that are-- You know, as comics, right? There are low energy comics that just kind of-- and they don't move, right? And the people like me, the performer-- --wasn't 20 years ago to be acting. Do you see what I'm saying? Todd Barry is like-- Like Steven Wright, you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like the chill, like funny guys, you know, that that energy really come to you. It's always been that way. It's not like it evolved. Yeah, but Bieber is doing a Todd Barry is what I'm saying. That would be amazing. Even though, on Sunday, you had Carol G. And she was all effort. She brought out that-- Well, the women usually are Sabrina. Yeah, I saw Sabrina. All effort. And we had Madonna. Did people cheer? All effort. Did people cheer in a Madonna came out? Because the rumor is that everyone kind of stood around watching. Well, I'll tell you why. I'll tell you. Well, my nieces were up front. My nieces are young girls. And not only did they not know that it was Madonna. One of them asked, is that Charlie XeX? Yeah, they were that lost about who this person was. And I'm like, oh my god. Who doesn't know Madonna? Yeah, I was called Kids Don't Know. Yeah, Kids Don't. Why wouldn't they? Because of Paul McCartney went up there. Everyone would know it was Paul McCartney. No, I don't think so. Although, you know, it's great about what-- Wait, wait, wait, wait. I don't even know if I could pick Paul McCartney. Ah, are you fucking crazy? Are you kidding? Compared to Madonna? Are you crazy? If you saw Paul McCartney walking on the street, you wouldn't go, oh, there's Paul McCartney? Maybe, but if I saw Madonna, I'd be like, there's fucking Madonna. OK, yeah. OK, but that's the fact of me. Well, I would say shit. OK, OK, and there must be gay and me because when Madonna came out, I had goose bumps-- You gasped. Because I had no idea it was a surprise. I gasped first, clouched your pearls. I clouched my pearls, right, right? I started shaking, right? And then I had goose bumps. And I go, because you first heard Vogue, the music. So in your head, as a logical person, you're going, she's going to do a cover like that, right? But then when you see Madonna come out, it was screaming, like, I was, I was, I was, I was everyone around you reacting to the stuff, and the girls going, what's going on? Which are how they-- Just your-- Maybe that's a lot of it, too. I think the Sabrina Carpenter fan is very young. They're like Gen Z Jeff, all right. I'm music, what she's doing. No, it's not. The Sabrina Carpenter is not out. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Don't put your finger up me. I'm sorry. But I'm going to tell Sabrina, that is not AI music. Point two out of them. Oh, OK. You think that Sabrina is, she can actually do things. Yeah, she's the talented musician. OK, she's very talented. Man, make up my argument, then. Sure. Sure. OK. [MUSIC PLAYING] Bill, if you pay rent, you've got a year now. 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See website full details, restrictions, and important safe information. Individual results may vary based on studies of topical and oral, inoxidil, and finestried. - Poor hymns. (upbeat music) - Sure, okay. - You're not gonna, you know, can I just say something, Nick? Your attitude right now is because of slender man, you shift it. - All right. - You're gonna lose me back, Bob. - You're a ghostly look, right? - Sure. - All right. We were just pointing out the obvious, right? - And I'll be speaking. - And you called me a baby after this. - All right, and you called me a baby panda. - He's slender man, I'm giving Jafar. (laughing) - Jafar and a deli. - Jafar and a deli. Like if Jafar worked at a deli, that's me, you know, I would have the, I do want to hear your argument on why you think Sabrina's AI music. - Okay, because even when I was a kid, right, I was more of a punk rock kid. - Okay. - You mean my roots start stem from the velvet underground to the stuages, and you mean I was-- - Three stuages. (laughing) - Imagine. - Hey, mo! (laughing) - You're like, it was an underground. - Three guys, the stuages, if you heard of it. - You know what I mean, yeah, yeah. But I, um, no, I liked, you know, Iggy Pop and the stuages, you know what I mean? So it's punk rock bass, right? And when, when 80s pop came, like the Peshmo and the Smiths, right, they were kind of poppy, the cure was kind of poppy, you know what I mean? And then when Madonna came out, it's, I mean, my punk rock, you know what I mean? Guy was resisting. - I can tell if Bobby is 41 or 70. (laughing) - What do you mean, what do you mean? - I can't, because you don't age, and you look great, but you're talking like, you back in my age, right? When Madonna came out, like if you had musical taste by the time Madonna came out, how old are you? - Literally. - What is this? Are you five pretending you're punk rock and you get the roots, like what is happening? - I'm okay. I'm 54. - Yeah, you look really good. - Thank you. - I'm 55. - Are you really 54? - Yeah, I'm 54. - I'm 55 almost. - Maybe you are gay, because we don't age either. - Yeah, yeah. (laughing) - Maybe it's the gay Asian, the gay Asian part of me. - Maybe. - Maybe, yeah. - It's gonna be 40-in-two months. - Wow. - We can come out. (laughing) - Yeah, you look, and you're like, you're in your 20s. - Thank you. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm so mad that you said that. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. - 'Cause he's been trying to convince everybody that he's 24 years old for a solid three, he's 35. - I would buy 24. - Thank you, Bob. - I would buy 40 for you. (laughing) - Let's go, let's go back to your musical taste. (laughing) - No, no, no, he's buying 40 because of the three hair trends. - Yeah, this is a lot of hair trends, plans. - You have hair trends? - Yes, we talked about this a lot. - Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, I didn't, I forgot. - I don't even know that. - I was just a few years ago, it was only two years ago. - So anyway, back to Madonna and Sabrina Carpenter. - To me, when Madonna came out. - Yeah, yeah, to me, you mean, when she sang Vogue and just like a prayer, right? Catch your hook, your iconic, and I had never heard of Sabrina Carpenter and when I was listening to music, I was trying to get into it and there was nothing there for me. - Really? - So I will say in Bobby's defense. - Okay, thank you. - When Madonna came out, she really was doing things you would never heard of before. Like she really was a trailblazer in that sense of that kind of pop that she was doing and she was doing songs and singing things I like, felt new where Sabrina is incredibly talented, but it's not necessarily new. - Right. - Like she is, that's what I'm, that's what I'm, when I said, I think I should remember too. Like Sabrina is pandering to a younger audience and for them, that sound is new. - Yeah. - You know, we have to remember each generation, like to us, Brittany, Kristina, Bakshi, boys, like, oh my God, this is so new. Well, okay, in the '80s, they had their version of the same thing, the '70s vice versa. So it's kind of like a rehashing, sorry, what was 1958, like you wanna tell me what that was like? What was it like before phones were invented? Fucking Christ. Yeah? - Oh, okay. - You look young too. - How big is the tech, how big is the five time your phone? - 32, you look 32. - I wonder how big the font is, I don't know. - I wanna know, I'm not getting hostile. - I wanna, no, Bob, I wanna know how big the font is on your phone. - Is it one letter you wrote? - Thanks forever. - This is for Nick, can you point out Paul McCartney? - Yeah, yeah. - How the fuck did you come up with this so quickly? - Real quick. - Okay, number one. - Nick, exactly, but that was easy. Number three, I've never seen in my life. - Okay, zoom in on number three, please. - You guys are number three. - Zoom in on number three, 'cause I can't really see it. - Is that from Coldplay? - Yeah, it's Chris Martin. - Chris Martin, okay. - That does not look like that. - And the number four is Sharon Osborne. (laughing) - I mean, hey, Madonna and Leo DeCaprio, all these musical legends, what is this list? - Yeah, yeah. - Wait, this is fun, I wanna keep it. - Yeah, Gene Simmons is too. - How many lakes did you dry up to pull this up? (laughing) - I mean, this is ridiculous, too many. - Too many lakes. - I wanna kinda know why they're getting arrested though. That's my favorite, like, what would they all be doing together to be getting arrested? Were they, I hopped? - They're all insane. - Oh, they're in a hot pot in a hot pot. - What? - They're all in skinny jeans in 2026. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. - So can I make an argument about the musical thing, about what you just said, 'cause you didn't remember what I said. - I don't remember what I said. - You did a 1958 thing that I was old so old. - I don't think it was funny. - Yeah, yeah, it's very funny. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Yeah, and I laughed, you know, me hysterically at that. And then I had to go back and go, you look 32. - I don't, I look my age, I look almost 40, but you do look 24. - Thank you. (laughing) - And I believe you. - Yeah, I honestly do. - You know what I mean? - Thank you. - Yeah, your length, though, is obscure. - Sure. - And unusual. - But he's so hard. - Yeah, he's a cataract, so it's hard to me. And that's fair. I don't disagree on all those words, but the 24. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Maybe get into the sun. - No. - No, no, no, no. - No, I have to, we have a video we need to just see of Nick on the beach. - I have a three-foot sun hat that I wear. And I can, okay, let me see the size of this table. - Let me see, let me see. - It's the size of this table. I could just, I probably just scroll through my Instagram to get it, we can show you. - I don't, I don't go in the sun. The Uber dropped us off at the wrong house. - Oh. - And I walked in and crawled under the awning of one of your neighbor's homes. - Oh, well, we were on a Japanese person. - 'Cause I wouldn't see any of the sun. - But also we were on the beach and I was like, Nick, that is a ridiculous thing. - I don't want the sun to get on my skin. And I said, okay, but what about the rest of the beach? We also want sun. (laughing) - Now what? - I don't. - Yeah. - Why, why? - Well, that's A, how you age. - That's what they say. - Oh, yeah, there's Nick. - There's Nick. (laughing) - It's subtle. (laughing) - There I am. - Yeah, yeah, there you are. - There you are. - Yeah, like a normal person. - Yeah, yeah. - Wow, okay. So, what beach is that? Is that Malbo? - This is in Florida. - DJ Ms. Farino. We went to Mexico. - Okay. - The Gabi. - The Gabi. - The Gabi. - Nick was walking around that man. My butt looks great. Nick was walking around with that sun hat. - Yeah, yeah. - Someone message him on Grindr and said, "I just want you to know you are the topic of the beach right now." (laughing) And also he can't, there's another video he can't walk in the water. - Well, to be fair, also, the sun is hotter on the west coast. - I think that's true. - Touch it up. - Yeah. - That doesn't make any. (laughing) - Well, the waves are stronger in the Pacific. - Yeah. - Right? - Yeah. - Well, why would I know? - I'm saying. I agree with that. - Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. - That's not how you wouldn't. - I thought you thought it was historical. - You remember like Pearl Harbor or something? - Well, you do. (laughing) - It was a sneak attack and I apologize. (laughing) - It was sleeping. - But anyway, what my musical point was this before that? - Wait, sorry, but how's your vitamin D? - Oh my God. - How? - Well, how would I check that? - Just you, doctor. I'm really curious. 'Cause I do think you do look down. - I take a multivitamin every day. - Okay. - Does that have my vitamin D in it? - Let me tell you something right now. Inside, it's grave. - Oh yeah, I'm rotting. - Why don't you ask him what his daily. - No, you know I've been healthier. - What? - What is his daily routine of eating? - Okay, let's start with breakfast. - I get Dunkin' Donuts every morning. - Oh my God. - Okay. - And what do you say morning? - Donuts, donuts, donuts. - No, not a donut. I get a nice coffee from Dunkin' Donuts every morning. - What kind of iced coffee? - Yeah. - A large iced coffee, four pumps of unsweetened hazelnut, four pumps of cream, two sugar. - Oh, okay. - You don't get cold foam, the sweet cold foam that they use. Okay. - And then doesn't eat too much. - And if I'm in LA, I'll have a dough. - We had no food, no fruit, nothing. And then at 12 o'clock, every single day, what do you have? - Chipotle. - What are you getting? - Wow. - From Chipotle. - Wow, bowl, extra white rice. - Never been in there. - No beef. - What? - Never been in Chipotle. - Are you doing a bit? - No, I'm not doing a bit, it's like a subway, I've never been in it. - You've never been to subway? - No, no, no, no. I refuse, it's against my moral, ethical rights. - You're a trapezoan. - I'm a ethical, ethical, ethical, ethical, ethical, I was gonna say ethical, but I didn't think about ethnic, and I committed to it, so I'm gonna keep it committed. My ethical rights. - Okay. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've never been to a subway, I've never been to a, what's it called? - Chipotle. - Chipotle, and I've never been-- - Okay, no, stop. - What did you just say? - Chipotle. - Chipotle, I've never been to a Panera bread. - What? - That's crazy. - Okay, these are all lies. - So you don't go to change restaurants. - Have you ever seen me in a Panera bread? - I've seen you in many Chipotle, so already-- - No, never seen me gagging. - Are you fucking gay? - Are you crazy? - You're gaslighting me. - I am absolutely not. You have domestic violence, you have fucking domestic violence. You think you have a-- - What do they serve there? - It's really you-- - That's how Abby, what do you mean? - What do they serve there? How have you existed for so long? And you've never even heard of a Chipotle. - Okay, I'm so sorry. - As for the astros, I've heard a boa steak house. - Sorry, I have a-- - I don't know, either of those points. - Exactly. - I'm sorry, sorry, what's wrong? - Can we take a pause? - I'm happy. - Yeah, good. - I have to weird story, but I have to receive a dog I'm fostering right outside. - What kind of dog? - I think she's a mix, but let's find out. But continue talking, I'll be right back. - Okay, well after you cues me of being at Chipotle-- - By the way, I'm not-- - You're not gonna walk out of the fucking room. - This is a fact, you're fucking lying. I can, there's so many pictures of you who just like fucking gargling Chipotle. - Pull it. - I'll pull it up from early in our relationship that's all you ate. That's all you ate. - Clock it. - Crazy. - I know, but as a, let me just say that I think you're right. (laughing) All right, but let me, secondly, I want to say this. As my co-host, right? You're supposed to defend me in the improv. - Not about Chipotle. - It's called improv. It's called improv. - I'm sorry, I'm sorry. - Yeah, I know, I know. - Were we trying to zip-zop? Oh, zip-zop, zip-zop, zip-zop. - Yeah, sand. - I'll do that. - Yeah, sand. - And you weren't, you weren't, you weren't, you're sanding. - I'm sorry. - Yeah, and I've been to Chipotle. I apologize. (laughing) - Yeah, I lie, I'm a liar. - Yeah, I mean, yeah. - I love you, Bob. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. To cause, you know, me, rift, right? And to cause chaos. I sometimes-- - And I appreciate that actually. - Yeah, thank you so much. - Keeps me on my toes. And I apologize for that. - No need to apologize, actually. - Okay, and I've been to Subway. - Well, that you should apologize for. (laughing) - I was like, how? - Yeah, yeah, I was working on it. - I'm like, "Have you not been to Subway?" - Every national restaurant in my life. - So it's your favorite one. - I like Wendy's a lot. - Really? - Yeah. - If I'm going for a burger. - Yeah, it's a national one. It's fast food, go ahead. - I thought I love Shake Shack. - Oh, Shake Shack's great. - It's so good. - It's always satisfying. - Yeah, and they open later, so on the road, you can usually get it. - Yeah, and they're a little, like they always give you a bit of attitude. Reminds you, you've made a mistake somewhere. (laughing) - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. - Taco Bell just always slaps, though, I feel like. - It slaps. Taco Bell, you can't go wrong. - I actually don't like Taco Bell. - And it's everywhere. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - I know, I don't like Taco Bell. - But you don't do Del Taco? - No. - Yeah. - I don't live here, so I think it's so much for even saying that. - No, I think it's only a west coast thing. - Is it a west coast? - Yeah. - It's a west coast, it's like a knock off Taco Bell, the people, and I see lines next to a Taco Bell, and I go, and the Taco Bell has no line, and I'm going, what is the fuck is going on here? - No. - Yeah. - Prison. So I apologize for lying, but I still haven't gotten cheese. - I know, I'm still going to get to that point, because my mind registers and computes. - Sure. - And have a good memory, okay? So my 19, so your argument was. - I don't even remember. - I'm going to tell you what it is. - You're saying it's a generation of thing. - Why don't you say like that? (laughing) - Yeah, but that's why, how I hear it. - Okay. - Yeah, I mean, it's not. - You did say it like that. - And go cello-like. - With your fag sign. - Even though you said it like that. - When to go cello. - I did. - I had a jet. - I didn't go to private jet, I drove there. - Oh, yeah. - That humanizes you a bit more. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, and I parked. - Where'd you park? - Close. (laughing) - Did you walk or golf cart? - Yeah, golf cart. - That's cool. - To the entrance. - Okay, I mean, next year? - Yeah. - You could totally come. - You would go to Coachella. - If I'm going with Bobby, that'd be fun. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - There'll be plenty of stories. - Yeah, you get an artist past the whole thing. - Really? - Yeah, yeah, yeah. I would totally take you. - Okay. - Who did you think was better, Sabrina or Justin? - I didn't watch Justin. It was too late. - Oh, I thought you would watch. - So what happened was the strokes played. - Gotcha. - Yeah, and my argument, I have two arguments, okay. One of the arguments is because you're saying that you're defending Sabrina and saying that she's a great singer, great performer, et cetera, et cetera, right? And I agree with that, those points. - Okay. - Okay. But the lead singer of the strokes did more my thing, which he did anti-performance. And I thought that that was cool. - But, what, what, what, what's so confused? What are you doing? - I'm just listening to you. - Yeah, what's your fucking-- - But what about, what about, what about, what's cool though? 'Cause people come to see someone perform. They spend $78,000 to go. - And you are there to see this person perform and they go, are we done? Can I have it? - Yeah, I love it. - You wouldn't be disappointed by that? - No, because it's like, I wanted to leave. (laughing) - You wanted to be anti-wise. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. His sentiment on stage is actually how I felt like-- - It was mirroring. - Yeah, like, oh, I think we're done, but he wasn't done. - Do you think he's so jaded though? Like at some point when he's on stage and he's turning his back and like let's, let's sort of add it to like, let's get this over with. Do you think he believes it or it's an expectation to be like, I'm still this person. I'm still punk rock, I'm still cool. I'm still, you know, do you see what I'm saying? Isn't that another itself a kind of drag? Like, what's genuine? - Because I don't like genuine performance where it's like, you can see that I'm crying. - Right, so at one point Sabrina Carpenter, just like, tears coming out of her eyes, you know what I mean? Just tears, right? - See, I would eat that. - Right? And it's like, there's things going on and she's 100% performing, right? And I'm like, fuck off. - Oh, I would eat that up. - You wouldn't be there. This I wouldn't be. (laughing) - You're right, and I watch it on YouTube and I eat that up. - You can't eat it up with the via YouTube. You have to be there. - That's talent though. - It is talent and I didn't say that. I go, I sit to my, I'm saying to you, I mean, is that she has the performance skills, the charisma, the beauty, right? She has it all. - Sure. - And I get why there's a sea of kids singing, right? But just for me, it didn't hit. - You've seen it before. - Yeah, it's just taste. - This is what you're saying. - No, I'm just saying, I'm a man of historical, it's like what I said. (laughing) No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I'm sorry. I'm gonna, what's going on? Oh my God. - Oh my God. So cute. - So cute. - He, she, she, she looks so soft. - Nick, do you like dogs? You're staring at it. - I don't like dogs. - Yeah, don't like. (laughing) - Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. That's face, that was insane. - What was it saying? - That was insane. Wait, wait, wait, hold on, hold on. Mateo. - Yeah. - Don't forget the music. - Oh, you're right, this is more urgent. - This is. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. What the fuck? - He doesn't like dogs. - It's insane. - He's like animals in general. - No. (laughing) - Yeah, this says a lot. - Yeah. - It's a no wonder why I'm single. You wear a pole pot, Cambodian hat on a beach. (laughing) Like you're an emperor, you're an emperor. - And I am. - Yeah, like I don't want the sun, right, right, please protect me, right? You're a person. - And you don't like animals. - Right. - Right, right, right. What is it about animals you don't like? - They're unpredictable, they, (laughing) - This point. - That is a good point. - There's somebody right there. - I got it, I got it, I got it, I got it. - I gotta write this down. I gotta write this down. - They're unpredictable. - I want a pet animal. - All right, so let's see some sunflowers. - I know. - Unpredictable. - Yes. - They're dirty. - Dirty, okay. - They are vicious or like can hurt you. - What about the companions? - Yeah, yeah. - We're not talking about a Black Panther in the end of time. I mean, a dog's still attacked. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, we're not talking about, they don't speak so you don't know when they're going to attack and I don't like that. - So like when you look at that dog right now, do you think it's in attack mode? - It could, anything, in your logic, anything can happen. - And that's how I go through life. - All right. So a piano can fall in your head. - Yes. - I see, you live your life, hence the hat. But that hat doesn't protect you from a piano, but anyway. - She's up for adoption. - Her name is Bella. - I'll tell you who's, I love her in twilight. - Yeah. - Yeah, Edward, if you're watching. - Okay, so you didn't grow up with animals. - No. - Okay, I think that is the power of the parents, that's not true. - And his parents just got a dog and his mom was like, "Neck is he." (laughing) - No, what, what? - Neck is really doesn't like the dog. - I've never met someone like you. - You may be slender, man. You have slender, man. - Have you ever seen me and them in the same room? No. - Okay, that's very good. - What do you like with your mom's dog? What infuriates you about that dog? - Yeah. - But did your mom love her dog more than like, 'cause usually when I find if I dig deeper, there's usually a parent who is obsessed with her animals and the kid feels like they're second. in her third place. - No, I'm absolutely first place on my mom. - Okay, okay, that's not the issue, for good. - No, we had a dog when I was younger, but my mom is allergic to dogs and cats. So the dog ended up having to live sort of outside in our yard or in our like, screenroom porch area because she was allergic. So then we eventually had to get rid of the dog 'cause she was allergic. - And you never had animals. - And you never bonded with that animal? - Not really, no. And then I had a turtle, but I didn't take care of it. My dad took care of it. - But it's turtle. - What, I ended up turtle? - Yeah, like a big one or a small, ready, lighter, like a tank. - It was just small in a tank. - Okay, okay, not like a big tortoise, but-- - No, I didn't touch it or take care of it. My dad did, and then we like put it in a cream. - Oh, you're so funny to me. (laughing) - So anyways, I fucked that turtle. - Literally. - It smelled my dad. - The cutest thing imaginable. - Yeah, we threw it in a crib one day. (laughing) - He grew up in a town of like 50 people too. - Oh, I see. - 700. - He has 700 people, right. - But like, who do you love? - My friends. - Okay. - You do? (laughing) - You know that I love my friends and I love my family. - Oh, okay, you do love your parents. - We call his mom to see if me and Bob the dragon were hanging off a cliff, and-- - Oh no, I'm sorry. - If you and me. - Me and Nick were hanging off a cliff, and his mom had to pick someone to save, so she could survive. She picked me. - Why? - In her defense. (laughing) - The question was posed. You have to save someone to help you survive and find safety. - We have the video, Bob. - And she said, "Well, obviously I'm gonna choose Mateo." - And Bob, be sure to watch this. If you go to my Instagram. - Yeah. - It's like the, it's a recent reel, but I just, you need to hear when his mom said, because it's like, okay. - Go home when you're listening. - Yeah. - Let's listen to it now. - If you go to my reels, it's pretty recent. - Mountain, somewhere. - You, me, and Bob. - All of a sudden, you turn around and Bob and I slipped and we're both hanging onto that cliff. - I pick Bob up. Bob will be so much more helpful to get us out of that situation. - What? - And glazed every single way. - Got answer. Who are you saving? Me or Mateo? - First of all, if I grab you, you, I will have to do all the lifting. (laughing) - You'll be indicative of what would happen once you get back on the cliff. Mateo would actually help me if things were on it, I'm gonna go and say it, I'm gonna grab and say it. - Hang up that phone, I know. (laughing) - That's amazing. - Wait, great. - I'm here on the podcast. Who are you saving that you think can do that? That can help you find safety and survive and be rescued. - Mateo, hands down. - So fast. - No process of thinking. - Yeah, yeah. - I understand that situation. - Now just wait, because we call his on is hanging from a cliff. - And you can help me save you. - I've died it. You watched your baby boy plummet to death. - You don't have any arms strength, so you can go on. - Okay, okay, okay, okay. - Great. - That's great. - Call your mother. - Fine. - An Italian mom's gonna pick her son. - Call your mother. - That's very Nick, you're falling to the bottom of his house. (laughing) - You think your son would be able to find safety and rescue you on a stranded cliff over me. - Of course I'm saving my son. - Okay, don't say, of course, my mother chose me tight. (laughing) - My mother. - That's it. - Okay, all right, all right, so. - I don't know you that well, Nick. (laughing) - Okay. - I do wanna get to the bottom of this, because you need to know you have a certain level of self-belief about your own survival skills. - But you need to, I need you to prop him on, he has none. - He thought that's not true. - He thought, we were talking about that side. - I could survive. - No, no, we were talking to Otsko and he literally said, "Well, if we're gonna be stuck in a forest, we have to kill chickens." And I said, (laughing) and I go, you think, I go, you think there's chickens running around and he goes, "Well, I see free-range chicken at the grocery store." I said, "You think that free-range chicken "means a bunch of hunters wake up at 4 a.m. "Get their way and go, look for 30,000 chickens "and a forest for the fucking groceries." - Now, have you known there was someone that responded with a bunch of chickens and a forest? - Yeah. - That worked. - And they have them. - Oh, I am in. - Yeah, in Oklahoma City. - They're locked in. - Yeah, yeah. All right, so here's the deal, dude. Okay. - But you need it. - I'm gonna give you a scenario, all right. - Yeah. - You're on, actually, give us both scenario. We'll pitch who you want to-- - No, no, no, no, no. I'm gonna tell you just, just you specifically. - Okay. - All right. (laughing) - 'Cause I already think he knows. (laughing) You think this one's gonna rough in? - He knows more. - Okay. - And I apologize, you know what I mean? - No need to apologize. - But even watching the scenario, right? It's so clear to me, you know. - What's clear to you? - That he would navigate better. - Navigate what? (laughing) - Survival tactics. - Do you feel the same? - Regime. - That's why I'm trying to get to the bottom of this. I wanna know. - Hilara? - Hilara, don't lie. - Okay, okay, let's just, I'm trying to give Nick a chance to tell me what exactly, if we were in a survive, we're cashing with the enemy. - All right, it's a zombie apocalypse. - No, no, no, no, no. - We've done this. - I don't want even zombie apocalypse. - Okay. - I want basic, basic. - Okay. - I was gonna ask you, but real quick, I said in a zombie apocalypse, what would you do? Well, I probably go to the airport to get out. I said, no, there's a zombie apocalypse. He goes, well, the airplanes are still working. I said, what are you not, there's 10 of us. I mean, he thought it meant just one zombie. (laughing) - It's not that I didn't understand the zombie, - Yeah, it's not a washer. - It's not in all nine billion people or zombies. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Holy trickle. - No, it doesn't slow me down. - No, I haven't seen it. - And you know it. - Okay, you've never seen any zombie movie. - No, he's scared of the scary, he's scared of scary. - Oh, you scare very easily. Okay, so here's my surprise. - You're not surprised. - All right. - I'm already not a great star. - I'm already not a good star. All right, so here's the situation. - Okay. - All right, Mateo and you, right? You guys are stranded, right? And you see a river, right? - Okay. - And you're very thirsted. - Of course, of course, okay. - You're like in the Amazon, okay? - It's a warm, humid place. - Yeah. - And there's a body of water next to you. - Yeah, nice. How do you clean the water? - Not even that. - Yeah. - How do you drink the water? - Where are you drinking your water from? - Okay, so this I know you have to boil the water to clean it. You don't have, you don't have, you don't have it. - Fire in a pot, Nick. - But you can't make fire out of fucking stick. (laughing) - We're in a forest. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Get some sex. - You don't know how to make fire. - You don't know how to make a fire, Nick. - Rain for it. - I could make a fire. - Nick. - It's a rain forest so everything is wet. There's no dry sticks to be able to do this together. - There are dry areas in rain forest. - Where? - The rain for it. - The sun just doesn't come out. - No, because of the fucking canopy. - Everywhere, they have the other own wet. - It's a what? - A canopy. - A canopy. - Of just foliage. - Fully there. - Nick, they have no sun. - Nick, rain forests have their own weather systems because they're so good. - Yeah, ecosystems. In fact, Nick, check this out in the Amazon, right? There's the ground level animals, mid-level animals, and then the animals that live on top. They're completely different civilization. - Right, you on top. (laughing) - Oh, do we? I get it. But my point is this, I'm a bottom. But my point is this, okay. Is that how do you get the water if you have no fire? - You don't have fire. - You don't have fire, you don't have a pot. - How do you drink? Will you drink it straight from the water source? Or what do you do? - Fire. - Can't boil it. - Do you know what you would do? - I would probably try and collect either moisture or the rain. - I was gonna say, don't you like spick it from the tree? (laughing) - Are we in Canada getting maple syrup? - Yeah, yeah. - I've seen that on naked in a tree. - It's a cactus. (laughing) - Oh, yo, you've seen someone spick it. Something or like a leaf or something. - He knows. - That's right. - Okay, all right. - So you're getting little do-- (laughing) - Of course, I'm nailing this. (laughing) - You're nailing it. - I mean, yeah, that is good. - If it's a moving river. - Yeah. - As opposed to it. - You can't walk in water. - If the body of water is still, you never wanna collect from there. - So what do you do? I know what to do in that situation. - What? - What you do is you see the body of water, right? - The still body of water. - Yeah. - No, 'cause we talked about it. - So we come back and hide. - Yeah. - Yeah. - A still body of water. - No, I want you to enlighten me on whatever you're about to say, teach me body. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Teach me your survival. - Your energy, dude. - Right? - It's very Friday night. - I hope. - Did you just say, - It's Friday night, I hope. - Did you just say, dude? - Yeah. - To this? - I know. - It's ma'am. - It's a ma'am? - Oh, excuse me ma'am. All right. So stagnant water. - What you do, is you build, you dig another hole next to this body of water. - Okay. - And the water will eventually go through the soil and filter out a lot of the bad stuff, and then you drink out of that other hole. - You would. - You're supposed to. - Okay, how are you with insect? - I would. The survival. - Insect. - Insect. How are you with insects? - Surprisingly. - Why are you lying? - No. - No. - Why are you lying? - No. - No. - Why are you lying? - Who is this for? - No, it's for. - If I've seen a spider in an apartment or a cockroach, I kill it. I understand that, but we're in the Amazon guy. - Amazonic. - Okay. - Yeah, yeah. There's an army of red ants that will eat your flesh. - You're also all saying this as if you all will swimmingly survive the Amazon? - Okay. Can I say this then, do you think? I will, okay, all right? You bastard. - Do it. - Ma'am, bitch. - All right, bitch, all right. - I'm a peronite. - Peronite, right? We were in Mexico, we swam a river, and in the river was a living crocodile, probably 50 feet away, staring at us, right? From a little rock ridge. - Okay. - Right, and what we did was we stood still, and eventually maybe 20 minutes later that the crocodile turned away and went the other direction. - Well, for starters, it was an alligator that not as aggressive. - Okay, whatever, what-- - Papadiles, Will, Papadiles. - Whatever. - It was, I chipped my pants. They both combined. - It was like a wrestler. - Whatever it was, I chipped my pants. - It was a resident alligator, and he was totally tame. - Don't they say you're supposed to run into zig-zags 'cause they are run straight, 'cause they can only move into zig-zag, or you are correct, boom. - Are you being real? - They're there. - Oh, you, I thought you, that was-- - Read it, Bobby! (laughing) - I got you, Nick. - Fuck you, read it! Put your glasses back on him, read it! - Okay, yeah, yeah. - But they're fast. - Sorry, when you stopped. - 30-mile defendant, Nick. - I got help with-- - Thank you. - Thank you. - I'm actually more impressed than I thought. - Don't, all right. - Right. - Just a little deeper. - I'll tell you why. - Can I just say, let me defend myself real quick, okay? All right, that's on land. Right? - You're not zig-zagging in the water. - Water, yeah, not in the water. - Oh yeah, so we were in the water. - Your question was-- - Because you got to the land. - What I'm saying to you, Nick, is that you question like, well, it's not like, like, you guys would be in the Amazon. (groaning) - Right, right, right. When we dated, we're adventures. - Okay. - Yeah, Tomb Raider-ish. - But we're adventure. - Okay. - Like the way part of the fair. (laughing) - I made it Tomb Raider temples in Cambodia. - That's the type of person you are. - They were, oh. - And that's why your mother would rather have him be pulled up. - Well, the truth has to really is, who can tolerate the reason I asked about insects? - Sure. - Who can tolerate a mosquito bite the best? But some people-- - I can't do that, so mosquitoes do, for some reason. And I don't know why. And you know this, mosquitoes bite me. - Okay, you're out then. You probably have a skater blood. - I don't know why, and you get like the big influence. - All the time. I had a mosquito bite my dick recently, remember? (laughing) I eat it. It was in New York, and it just turned hot. You know how sometimes the turn of the weather from a mosquito gets in your apartment or something? - I don't know that. - I won't, okay, I'm telling you. - Oh, okay, okay, all right. It seems unlikely, but continue. - Okay, yeah. - Anyways, I got in and I woke up, and I had a mosquito bite on my dick, on my shoulder and on my face. They just bite me. I don't know why. - So are you just free-balling it, walking around your apartment? - Well, it was really hot, and I didn't have my AC in yet. And it was like 85 degrees in New York. - They still weren't nowhere to protect your dick from the bite. - Well, I didn't think it was gonna bite my dick. - Okay, get it hurt. - I was asleep, I didn't know. I just woke up and all of a sudden it was like a minute. - Okay, yeah, yeah. - Okay, and you told them what did you say when that happened? - I, frankly, don't remember this story. (laughing) - You know, I remember when you just made it up, because you just made it up. - No, I, but Nick's not a liar of all things. - I know, I told you. - But Nick does have a way of seeing himself that's not real. Like, you think you can survive all these things, you think you can survive in the forest? - No, I don't think that I can survive. - I think I could survive if you're walking in New York a city full of pigeons, a pigeon flew by, as G's, Nick goes, "Chase, that's God damn Christ!" Oh my. - I understand, I understand. - I understand. - Again, I know I'm not surviving on the rollercoaster. - I know I'm not surviving anything. - Anything. - All I'm saying is I think I could survive better than you. - Ooh. - Neither of us would survive, but I would survive slightly longer. - There's no way of Nick on a child's roller coaster. - Okay, and you guys can just, it was literally eight year olds waiting in line to go on with it. - They were thrills. - They were adventurers. (all laughing) - I love to hear it. And I will determine, I have my own opinion, I have ears, I will determine. - But also in my defense. - I have ears. - Let me listen. - It's fine. (all laughing) - Ready, this is Nick on a roller coaster. - Wait, no, this isn't the right one. - No. (all laughing) (all laughing) - Oh, is he the one in the. (all laughing) (all laughing) - Turn it up. - Turn it up. - Are you in a gulag? - I was being choked in my defense. - In your defense. - It's simmer. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Oh, this one won't go away. - We actually have another one. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, turn that off, please. (all laughing) - I got out of here, I got out of here. - I can't, I can't do it. - I got out of here, yeah, yeah, yeah. I would literally buy a million dollar. I can't spend a million dollar on a bat, right? That he would be able to survive in any circumstances more than you. - Nick, you don't know how to cook. You barely know how to make a smoothie. - Yeah, yeah. - You don't understand. - Being able to cook carbonara is not going to save you in the rain for it. - All right, let me make something. (all laughing) - Where are you fucking getting one chale? - In the Nile River. - Nick. - Good point, Nick. - We're in here. - Nick, no. - Let me just say. - You don't know how to cook. Okay, I don't know how to flip a fucking frittata. (all laughing) - But I can spear a fish. - That is true. - What? - Are you a spear? (all laughing) - You'll hold on a second. - We go for me cooking carbonara and you can spear a fish. - I cook. - You're a moron. - You're a moron. - You're a moron. - You are in. - You are in. - Bobby, don't panic. - And you don't know. - That because you don't know how to build a spear. - And I just say, - I could build a spear. - Don't. - A first survival mode, right? - We're a New York City. And the city's shutting down the pandemic, Pablo. So I call Nick, I say, they're gonna close down Dunkin' Donuts. You have to make your own breakfast. What? I said, yes, and I said, so let's start. What do you have for breakfast and moron? Dunkin' Donuts, I said, "Okay, you can make your own ice coffee." He goes, "I am not Laura Ingalls Wilder." (all laughing) - Nah, it's 2020 at that time. - He has, okay, okay. - Ultimately, he has zero. - Based five. - They're pretty much the 1700s. - In any-- - Yeah, it was a 1700s. - Did you thought you could spear a fish? Nick, we have a video of you not able to walk in waves. You can't-- - The Pacific is more aggressive than the Atlantis. - Stupid is the thing. - That's true. - That's true, that's true. - Google it. - Right here, body weight watch, watch. - And watch. - Yeah, yeah. - It gets worse and worse and worse. (all laughing) Hold on. It gets even worse. I mean, you need to watch that. Look. - Hold on. - Let me look, let me look. - That's fine. - Let me look, let me look, let me look. - I didn't want to come. - Everybody else is standing up completely normally. And then watch, when the water recedes, it's even worse. (all laughing) - Is that in slow-mo? - Yeah. - Hold on. - Okay. - Oh, you've missed, you took out, it pulled, it pulled. - You took it apart. Based on what I saw, you look like a Pixar character. - Thank you. - No, that's not a good thing. All right, you don't look human there in that situation. - You both look like you could be in that situation. - A long time ago. - A long time ago. - Both monsters in two. - Yeah. (all laughing) - Mine was out. - Mine was out. (all laughing) - Yeah. - No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Your mic was outskying. I'm the, who's the villain? - Oh. - The Salamander one. - The Salamander one, yeah. - Very good one. - Yeah, very good one. - I have no, I love you. You're great, you're a wonderful friend. You're a smart business person. I'm not clip that, that is the first time I have ever heard of you. - 'Cause I do love you, I love you. - Oh, wow, this is the first time he's sad for you. - But I'm saying that you have aptly-- - In Bobby's garage. (all laughing) - Yes! - Tell me you love me. - Because I'm trying to emphasize a point here that you have no skills. (all laughing) You would not survive. You would die immediately. You are male nourished. You have no idea how to cook. You have no idea how to collect things. You don't understand nature. You don't understand anything. - Yeah. - You would not do well. - You know what you would like. - Nick, Nick, Nick, Nick, Nick, Nick, look at me. You know those photos of Ukrainian socials coming back from the war? - Yeah. - That's your look now. - And that's what I was going for. (all laughing) - All right. - They're male nourished. - Or your skills. - It doesn't matter, because it doesn't even match. - I can answer for them. - Do it. - He's way more muscular. (all laughing) - That's gonna slow him down. - No, I'm sorry. - I'm sorry. - I'm sorry, he can lift things, right? - What are you lifting? - Right. - Well, Nick thinks he's walking through a Disney forest, by the way. He thinks he's (singing in foreign language) - I do think that the upside to being malnourished is that you are used to being malnourished. So therefore not eating for long periods of time and fasting. - He would cease to exist. - Yeah, but big muscles need a lot of calories to like sustain. - I lived on a six floor walk-up and every time Nick came up, I'm not making this up. Knogs and his correlative coat. It was literally this. (all laughing) - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. - You're not wrong. - Yeah. - In my defense. - Okay, there's always a defense. - Okay, go ahead. - I have been healthier this year. - Oh, hey, everybody. - Thank you. - Yeah, everybody. - I worked out for the first time in my life. (all laughing) - What did that look like? - I did Pilates. - We have a video. - I'll have been going for three to four times a week. - Oh my God. - We'll be bathing suit from 1912 to it's online of his Pilates class. And he kept saying, people say I have birthing hips. Will this help me in the Pilates class? And the woman didn't have an answer. (all laughing) - Oh my God. - But that's progress. - It is progress and that's, you know, I quit smoking a month ago and that's progress. - Yeah, yeah. - Is that you doing? (all laughing) There's a bit. No, no, no, no. The Pilates. I'm in like a green one. There is a video of it's on YouTube. There's a video of Nick trying to live right there. Now I thought that it would make me limber. Yeah, yeah, it's a very flexible out. Yeah, oh god. This is a lot. She was like, well, this is a warm up. Are you in the morning? June? What is he going to do? June four. We're watching June four, ladies and gentlemen. It was very comfortable. Yeah, yeah, that's insane. Okay, good. Look at your legs. Wow, but for the first time in 24 years, that's amazing. That's amazing. Yeah, yeah, and I have to say this that you do look young. So something's working. Thank you. Yeah, but I think that Mateo has a point that in every single survival situation that you can ever imagine, you would be the last person called all of our friends right now. Yeah, and your mother everyone would say the same thing. You would not survive. If we called Bob, if we called Monet, if we called Taylor, but you also all say that because you all. Know you know, no, no, that's how we know Nick Nick deep down Nick, you all know Nick, you you are I'm like Reba and I'm going to survive. Okay, you know, I just not because I'm playing devil's advocate. I see it. Thank you. I see it. You need to experience one flight of stairs. And you know what it is is that he has what you have Bobby. That's what I was about to say the weasley nastiness of just the. Yeah, it's like the cockroach syndrome. Yeah, you can live without your head for 20 days. Yeah, yeah, and I think that really takes you far because if you watch any of these shows, right, yeah, like the villains, yeah, yeah, I know, but it that's forget the word villain. All right, not that you're a villain, but I just like you. No, we is. And also remember, it's not just a surviving. It's the complaining. He won't even make it with other people because they'll kill him because he's complaining so much, you know, you don't think they would kill you. No, I would do great. Mateo, listen, I've known you for a while, right? I have never I've never had a complaint. Yeah, in fact, when I see I'm just being real and honest with you. Okay. And whenever I see you, I go, I literally go, oh, this guy's a hard hitter. This guy's one of the best comics on planet earth. He's a destroyer. No, he's a destroyer, right? And he is that keeping him alive in the rain forest. Yeah, because what I'm saying is is that to have that, you know, Lyle, Lyle, Crocodile, Jo, what? Listen to me. What are your references? Yeah, what's Lyle L Crocodile? I didn't hear you heard of it before. Sean Mendez voice, yeah. Oh, yeah, Lyle, Crocodile. Okay, okay. Thank you, your reference. I've never even heard of this. He likes me. I've never heard of this. Why do you know a lie? Oh, Lyle. Crocodile, to your point. He's a hard hitter. Yeah, yeah. Jungle out there. Your brain went here. Have your Bardem Constance. Look at this cat. It's a great cast. Yeah, why? How did your brain go this? It's a very good. Okay. Now if, okay, should Bobby for some reason break a leg or open flesh wound? Would you be able to carry him out of? (all laughing) - Nick, why don't you show everybody one push up? - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Good. Mr. Survival. - Like one. - Forest Gump, remember in Forest Gump, he ran back to. - Multiple times. - Multiple times, right? Would you run back for me in a war? - Or is it kinda Dan for. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Well now, yeah, why? - You don't, you leave the week. - No, no, no. (all laughing) - Hey, survival. - It's a survival instinct. - Yeah, yeah, you leave the week, yeah. - So you're not into the purple heart. - Yeah, yeah. - The fact that someone gets a flesh when you're like, drop 'em. - No, that's neat. - But it's just. - I know. - I watch a lot of nature documentaries, and in the wolf pack, they always say the weakest one trails behind and eventually it dies off. - Yeah. - They don't stay behind. - I know, but Nick, I'm right here, and you're literally right here, and I'm like, "Hey, can you pick me up?" And you would still run away. - No. - Would you be able to. - You try and pick him up to see if you can? - Under no, sorry. (all laughing) - Try. - Yeah. - Can you try to pick me up now that I would be able to pick? - I can't pick, I could probably barely pick, I would never pick. (all laughing) - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - And if you can. - Try to pick. - If you go underneath, just pick 'em up. - Where's the best place? - Right there, right there. - Just like a hug. - Right here. - You can just stand up. - Well, I'm like, I wound it. - What's the best way to pick someone up? - Well, I see that your whole outfit. - Yeah, just right, that's crazy. - Your arms around me, right? - Okay. - They're trying to pick me up. - Okay. - Okay, okay, wait. - You can go this way, but you have to pick me up. - It looks like a praying mantis trying to eat it. - No, you have to be here, Bobby. - You have to make a good deal. - My leg is gone from a war. - He cannot be stiff or use his core, he's injured. He's gonna be dead weight. - Okay, so you're putting them all on me? - Yes! (all laughing) - That's the whole thing. - Yeah, I would go, you can go under too. Microd, I'm fine. Okay. - God. - You can do it. - You can do it. - This is how those bull jobs are going. (all laughing) - Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on. - Hold on, I think this way, yeah, I'll be fine. (all laughing) - I get it. - Wow! - I get it! - Now do that for seven miles. (all laughing) - That's the plan. - That was the plan. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Yeah. - That was insane. (all laughing) - That was insane. - Are you okay? - Yeah. - Can I defend Nick a little bit though? - Yeah, go ahead. - Oh, now you want to defend me. - There goes some rival skills, but he is one of the smartest people that I know. - Okay, good. - I really mean that. - And we need that. - Incredible business person, like we worked together on podcasts, he is smart, he's amazing advice as a friend, he is incredibly intelligent, he's a really good friend, he just absolutely under no circumstances has any skills outside of his own apartment. - All right, see, I see, I see. - That's it. (all laughing) - Okay, okay, okay. - But you are, Nick, and you're a really, really good friend, you're loyal and he loves you. - And he loves you. - And you're very funny, you're a wonderful asset to my life, but if we were in a forest together, I would want you dead, so I can use your bones to float myself to freedom. (all laughing) - Yeah, yeah. You know what, I just don't understand what skills you think you're bringing. - The thing is, even that I just look like I would do better, I'm already 10. (all laughing) - Yeah, steps ahead of you. - It looks like he knows what he's doing. - Okay. - Okay, go ahead. - Sonario, the three of us, we are stranded somewhere, okay? No one within hundreds of miles from us. - Yeah. - And we have to survive. - Okay. - Who are you killing first? - Oh, good point. - Oh, that's a good point. - Very good, that's a very good point. - If we were gonna go full, like, word of the time. - Well, it's us three. - Okay. - All right, can it, may I say something? - And then I'll ask you. - Okay. - Because I don't have an immediate answer for that. I'd have to spend four days with you to see if your mind could help me in the situation. - You couldn't figure this out in 45 minutes. (all laughing) - I know. - You need four more days of this? - No, you just said he was bright. - He's bright and modest. - He would do well on, like, real housewives. (all laughing) - You understand what I'm saying, right? - But in terms of, like, you know, - We didn't know that weather, he didn't know that clouds were made of water. He didn't, he didn't. - Clouds were made of water. - He didn't know, he didn't know. - Water, what? - No, they're not. - I said yes, they are, there's millions of, what? - Water. - Yeah, yeah, okay. So I would have to spend a couple of days, like, 'cause we're gonna build a fort. - We're not in third grade building a fort on a Saturday. We're building a home. - Got a shelter. - Got reactions. - Yes. - Who are you going first? - Got you. - If I'm going just on looks alone and I know nothing else, I'd have to go for what's gonna hold me over for months in terms of the amount of meat. And I'm gonna go for the thickest person in the room. - He's also seven feet taller than me. - Eat. - And you still have more meat on your bones. - No, no, no. Honestly, can I like your argument? 'Cause I know you're trying to defend him, right? - Her argument is solid. - No, no, it's not solid. It's not solid. - If I'm just-- - You could eat him for a year. - No, I think you have a lot of leg meat. - He actually does. - He has big calves. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, that's the best meat. - That's the best meat. - I have no meat anywhere. - I do have a gigantic-- - You know, so day one, day one, you wouldn't be thinking about food. - No. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - I will say I do have a gigantic ass and that would probably-- - That's where I was going with. After I saw the Mexico vlog, I was like, oh, he's got something. - Now God, a lot of ass meat. - Yeah, he got a lot of ass meat. And that is, as survivor, the first thing we look at. It looks like a delicious as well. - It looks very, yeah. - Lori's, if you go to the steakhouse, yeah, yeah, yeah. - It could last this week. - Your ass would last a long time. - Yeah, okay. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I think instinctually, I can even answer for you. You would kill Nick first. - I'll tell you why I wouldn't. - You would, after two years of complaining, - I can't hate that. - Jesus, what the hell, where the hell's the fourth season? Is that another mosquito? What the fuck was that? Does anyone know where we're going? Jesus, goddamn Christ. Out there, helicopters out here. And where's our UFO? I don't understand why this is going on. - And you-- - Is that a noise? - Complaining? - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - You're just cool, calm and collected? More than you. (laughing) - Yeah, and now if I had an option of 10 people, you two would not be the chosen one. I understand, I agree with that. I understand that, right? Like if it was everyone in this room, I had a pick two, you guys are out. - Who would you pick, two? - Two, Alex, meat. No, not to eat. (laughing) You carry logs. - Logged? - Yeah, he's got to carry logs. You got to figure out the chop down that tree. You know what, I'll figure it out, man. You know, you're a yes man, right? And probably you. - Thank you. - 'Cause I think you're the smartest one. - I can spear fish. - She can spear fish. She's a very good-- - We both, she's a actual deep diver. - Why don't you take us through the steps of spearing a fish. - You get us thick enough? - No, no. - And you whittle the end 'til it's a sharp point. - I like that you know that it's whittle. - But how do you whittle, Nick? - With friction. - With your hands? - No, with something that's going to cause friction to whittle it down. - Tell us. - I don't know, other wood, something that's rough that can do it. - Okay, and now you got your stick. You got your heavy stick with your whittled end. - I go to the river and I look for bubbles where the fish will be. - And I find the bubbles. - Oh, you throw it. - Well, yeah, you can't see in a river. - Yeah, you can. - Yeah, you can. - And also, you can also be in the river. - Also, you can go knee deep into the river with the spear and-- - You can go knee deep. I'm not going knee deep in a river. - Why, why would-- - Well knee deep for both of you is a very different. (laughing) I just want to point that out. - Really, I just want to say Nick, I really tried for you. And I-- - I appreciate it. - I appreciate it. - And Nick, I would have you on this podcast, solo. - Thank you. - I think you're very interesting. And we could just make fun of each other. - I would love for you to replace my podcast. - No, I don't think so. I don't think so, pot. And if you guys ever have, if I'm in New York, 'cause I'm doing-- - I would love to have you guys on if you're in New York. - I would love to have you. That's what, and it's coming out, you know what I mean? About five or six months. - Nice. - And I'm-- - Yeah, yeah. - Oh, okay. - Yeah, yeah, and I'm gonna-- - Well, I assumed, yeah, yeah, yeah, I did. - I do think that someone from Survivor should cast you. - Oh, he'll be, well, we want to do amazing race because we would lose first. - Yes, oh my God. (laughing) - We do, we really want to do amazing race. - We do, just to lose, we want to do-- - No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Imagine us trying and navigate some country-- - Yeah, yeah, yeah, we can't even drive. - Production would plot so that you stay there till the very end. - Yeah, as a producer, I would go, yeah, cut it. You know, make some weird screaming at each other. - We feed your time. - I hope you get on amazing race. - Naked and afraid? - Naked and afraid, how many days? - Well, you'd be good entertainment. How many days can I last Naked and afraid? - Naked and afraid, how about you, Mateo? - I don't even know what the concept is. - You're okay, so you're with a partner, you're completely naked, right? You only have a pot, and the other person has a machete. - No, you're allowed to choose your item. And then you go out into the middle of the-- - 21 days. - For 21 days, and you have to hunt for your own food, you have to make your own shelter. - Oh, thank you, you could never. - Yeah, yeah, so how many days you could you last? - No, I'm not saying I could either, but I both last zero. - Be nice pictures. (laughing) - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. - Good photo op. - Good post? - Yeah, I think I could last two days. - Yeah. - I think two days. - Two days. - Yeah, yeah. - If it was even a little bit cold, I'd be out in the first day. - Well, I love all the white women who go on survivors now 50, like 70 seasons, and they just still can't grasp what the show is. - And the first reins from they sit there. - I just didn't think it was good. - It's hard. - Yeah, it's-- - But in this show, most of the-- I think most of the ones that survive are women. I see a lot of dudes quitting. - Yeah, yeah. - Yeah, and the ones that I'm staying 21 days. - Well, 'cause the man always do something stupid. - They do too much in the first day when I did. - Yeah, they always stay one. - They burn out. - They burn out. - The girls, they chill out. - And then they're generous. - They'll eat a seed. I'm fine. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, that's you. That's right. I think you'd be my partner in nigga nigga nigga. - Nick, they're about to spear right now. - Yeah, yeah, here we-- - They're about to spear right now. - They're about to spear it. - You have to do this. - You're not looking at a mirror? - Yeah, yeah. This is no way you, Nick. (laughing) - You know who I'd love to see you with is my partner. He's a hunter and a spear fisherman. - Yeah, okay. - And a butcher. God, I'd love to see you. - I'm a bad guy. - I would love to see you if we can set that up because it would be endless. - Anyway, check out our podcast. - Check out our podcast. It's a lot of just this. - And I love this. I could do a lot of that. - A lot of that. - Every week with you. I love so much. - I'm so happy that we got to do this. I love you. - I love you. - Thank you for having us. - This was honestly so fun. - Yeah, so fun. So give them a round of applause, everybody. - Thanks guys. - Thanks so much. (upbeat music) (upbeat music)