Matt Walsh Explains The Dark Reality Of A Stay-At-Home Husband

Well, you younger folks won't remember this, but there was a time not very long ago when we had certain words we would use to describe useless men who sit around all day doing nothing. We would call them deadbeats, bums, losers. If they were particularly lazy and incompetent, we'd call them congressmen. But these days, there's another term that has suddenly entered common parlance. The media have been breathlessly reporting about the rise of so-called stay-at-home boyfriends. The Daily Mail has this headline this week, "Stay-at-home boyfriend becomes the new housewife as women outnumber men in the workforce for the third time in history." Now, as for how many of the men who've left the workforce have now embraced the unseemly life of a stay-at-home boyfriend, the Daily Mail provides no data, fortune also reports this month that stay-at-home boyfriends have become an economic trend. But again, they're kind of light on actual data. Here's how they describe the phenomenon watch. The stay-at-home boyfriend is someone who has either intentionally left the workforce or someone who has either never tried or really has felt dejected that they wouldn't even be able to get into it in the first place. Since 1990, we've had 7 million jobs where men outnumbered women, and now that's gone to basically zero. This is a non-temporary adjustment. Only three times it's happening in history, according to Laura Ulrich, the economist that indeed, it's not going to be a temporary thing, it's going to be permanent, women will outnumber men. Now he would seem quite unfair to assume that every man not currently employed is a stay-at-home boyfriend or a stay-at-home man of any kind. The stay-at-home man isn't just any man who happened to lose his job. He is a man who has made a lifestyle choice. He has decided to drop out of the workforce on a permanent or long-term basis so that a woman can provide for him. Now in fairness, it's hard to tabulate the precise number of stay-at-home boyfriends. For one thing, there is no official census that quantifies this particular demographic. For another, a man who is not married has no kids and stays at home while his girlfriend takes care of him can only barely be said to exist at all in the first place. This is a man so flimsy and frail, a man of such little consequence, that it would be hard to count him or notice him even if you are sitting in the room with you. So the lack of data is understandable. Stay-at-home husbands, on the other hand, can be counted. There are over 2 million stay-at-home husbands in America, according to the latest survey. They now make up 20% of all stay-at-home parents, and this proportion has doubled over the last few decades. We can extrapolate from the sharp uptick in stay-at-home husbands that the community of stay-at-home boyfriends has also expanded. There probably is some overlap here. A stay-at-home boyfriend, to graduate in some cases, to a stay-at-home husband. And then when he dies, he reincarnates into a barnacle, and then when he dies again, he goes back to being a stay-at-home boyfriend. It's kind of like this cosmic cycle that repeats it infinitely. Now, I'm going to have some harsh criticism, which is out of character for me, I realize, towards the house boyfriends and the house husbands, I can see that the latter group is less offensive than the former, though still problematic for reasons I will explain. But before I critique the men, and in the interests of equity and inclusion, which are values I hold close to my heart, as you know, I must lecture the women. Because if I know anything about women, it's that they enjoy being lectured by men, especially by men who are podcasters. So this will be very satisfying experience for the women in the audience. And much of the commentary about the stay-at-home man trend has been distinctly insulting and condescending in tone, which includes the commentary you're currently listening to. But it's interesting to note that women, especially women in media, have been especially harsh about it unashamedly, so watch. The stay-at-home boyfriend is now an economic trend, as more women than men go to work. And the reason they found is that fewer young men, Maggie, are entering the workforce and their fathers, their parents were. Is this a trend that you are noticing personally, and what do you think about this? Well, on the internet, we call those men neat, so they're not an education, employment, or training. I think a lot of men feel really comfortable sitting online all day long. It's a very comforting space for them. And if they're being financially supported, whether by parents or a girlfriend, God knows why that woman chose them, then, of course, they can continue to do that. I think that's very disturbing. I would not have a stay-at-home boyfriend personally. We're getting more of the jobs. We're earning more of the paychecks. It's on our shoulders, this responsibility. The idea that a boyfriend would live with me and that I would support him, what's he doing all day? Bompons on the sofa, watching sofa, I don't think so, but that's just me. If you listen to Destiny's Child, ladies leave you a man at home, probably because he can't afford a night out. Because there's also the old school, ain't nothing going on, but the rent got to have a J.O.B. If you want to be with me, it's so hard out here, isn't it hard? You are a beautiful, successful woman. You know what, I have found, and don't send me, don't @ me, don't send me the emails. Nine times out of ten, a man is intimidated by a woman that has more money than them, and so, but then there's this new generation of men that are looking for a sugar momma, looking for a lady to take care of them, and they want to be kind of like, look, the men in here are all like women. No, because how is this kind of? I'll be the first to admit that stay-at-home moms have dealt with contempt and kind ascension from the girl-boss feminist types, but rarely anything as explicit and unabashed as this. Certainly not from news anchors and commentators on TV, hey, you're not going to hear anybody on a mainstream news channel say about women who stay home. What these women just said about men who stay home? What are you doing all day eating bonbons? You go get jobs, you deadbeats, what you just want a man to take care of you? You need a J.O.B. If you want to be with me, now this again is the kind of open-scorn and ridicule that would only ever be heaped on men, and it's very interesting considering the source. I mean, all of these modern empowered feminist women got exactly what they said they wanted, and now they're complaining about it. They whined that men were the ones who got to go out and earn a living. Men had the fun job, they were able to leave the house and work for a company somewhere. Oh, working for a company, that's got to be so much. You get to go work for a company. You don't have to stay home like you get to go work in a building for a company. You get like a W2 income, you get to fill out a W9. Those damned men got to escape the home and go galovanting around their cubicle, free as gazelles, you know, prancing through a field. Those men with their jobs and their financial responsibilities, it's not fair. And the feminists wanted in on that action. Right? There's no reason why men should be the breadwinners. Women can be breadwinners too. Well, here you go, feminists. Your wish has been granted. And guess what? You hate it. You hate everything and you also hate this. So I suppose that should come as no surprise. Here's what happened. Women looked at the meal that men had been eating for millennia and demanded that they be served the exact same food and the exact same portions and then they got a taste of it and they nearly vomited from the taste. So it's a little bit like when I was a kid and I would always ask my dad, you know, for a sip of his beer because it looked frothy and delicious. Like it looked like a milkshake. I always thought like it looks like a milkshake. And he would always say no until one day he finally said, all right, fine here, take a sip. And I took one sip and I was horrified. I was scared. I was confused. It was bitter. It was awful. It tastes nothing like a milkshake. And I think a very similar process is playing out right now with feminists in the workforce. You know, it's not just these random women on cable news, by the way. The statistics consistently bear this out. So for marriages where the woman is the primary breadwinner, the divorce rate is three times higher than marriages where the male is the primary breadwinner. And that's just when the woman earns more money, even when the man is also earning a living. In cases where the woman is the sole breadwinner, the divorce rate is five times higher. So feminists got the thing they said they wanted to play the role of a man, to be the patriarch, right, to bring home the bacon, to reverse the gender roles once and for all. And now they don't want it anymore. A tale is all this time. And why don't they want it? Well because they've realized that being the provider carrying the weight of that obligation is a burden. It is an act of service. It is a duty. It is not a perk. It's actually not necessarily fun. When you are the one who leaves the house and earns a living, and you support the family, the financial future of the family, everything the house, the food, all rests on you. turns out that that's actually really hard. That's actually difficult. That actually requires a lot of sacrifice. Now, if you're a woman who detests the very thought of being the breadwinner in your household, and most women do detest the thought of that, whether they say it out loud or not, they detest it. Well, you should consider why you detest it so much. It's because it seems like a burden to you. It seems like an expectation placed unevenly on your shoulders, and you're not wrong to see it that way, and you're not wrong to recoil at the idea of being the breadwinner for a man. It doesn't make you selfish. It actually just makes you normal, but it should give you a deeper appreciation at least for what men have been doing for many centuries. What many men still do today, they have been carrying that uneven expectation that burden, mostly without complaint. Not only that, but men, the good ones anyway, actually find deep joy in carrying that load and providing for the ones they love. You know, he's got these feminists that we just saw there that they can't even imagine finding joy in that. Finding joy in that I have to provide for all these people who aren't me. It can't even imagine that. And yet, of course, that has not prompted feminists to re-evaluate their assessment of the patriarchy and the traditional role that men played in society. Even though they've now seen firsthand that the man's role was one of service, of love, of sacrifice. It's not actually a vacation to leave the house and work a job. It's not a source of unending thrills and amusement. It's work. It's hard, which is why feminists got the briefest glimpse of life on the other side of the fence and are horrified. Now, if you were very naive, you might hope that this would, indeed, at least give feminists a newfound appreciation for men. But feminists are not capable of appreciating anything. At least of all men. So they'll hate you because they've never walked a mile in your shoes. And then they'll walk a mile in your shoes and they'll complain about how much their feet hurt and they'll take the shoes off and they'll fling them at your head and demand that you put them back on. And through that whole process, they will never develop even the faintest hint of empathy for you. That's the feminist way. So now that we dealt with the feminists, let's flip the conversation over to the men. I'm not going to spend any more time addressing, stay at home, boyfriends, specifically because I take it as utterly self-evident that men who aren't married and have no kids and choose to live off of the patronage of their girlfriends are ridiculous creatures who bring shame to themselves and their entire ancestral lineage. Truly, if you are a stay-at-home boyfriend and your great-grandfather could have peered into the future to see what would become of his bloodline, he almost certainly would have flung himself into the sea. And nobody could have blamed him for doing so. That's all that really can be said about such men and I use the term men about as loosely as it can be used. So instead, let's deal with, let's deal with stay-at-home husbands. Now, as established, it's much easier to quantify this population. We know that their ranks are expanding rapidly and have been for many years now. The stay-at-home husband at least might have children to care for, usually. So he does something, he plays a role in the family. But it is still disordered. It is still upside down and backwards for a man to embrace this role as a lifestyle choice on a full-time basis. Now, caveats, obviously, we're not talking about temporary unemployment. We're not talking about a situation where disability or sickness or some other unforeseen, uncontrollable thing has forced a man to leave the workforce. We're not talking about that. And clearly, we're not defining a stay-at-home husband as a husband who is at home because he works from home. Not talking about that either. Here we mean, or at least I mean, a man who has chosen, by his own free will, to leave the workforce and be a house husband while his wife takes over as breadwinner. And I know that we're supposed to be very tolerant and very accepting of those kinds of arrangements these days, but tolerance and acceptance have never been my strong suits. And besides, even if I could learn to stop worrying and love the stay-at-home husband trend and I can't, the fact remains that women, the wives who have to bring home the bacon, they don't love it. Some of them might say they do, but the divorce rate speaks for itself. Marriages are much, much more likely to fall apart if the man is not working. That is the reality. And there is a reason for that. So let's explore those reasons. Take a look at your phone bill. Not because it's interesting, it obviously isn't. Look at it because there's a decent chance you've been paying the same company every month for years without asking, "Am I paying too much?" Pure Talk is currently making that question very easy to answer for your first three months. Any Pure Talk plan is only $15 a month. Not their cheapest plan. This is for any plan. Unlimited high-speed data included in this. Even their top tier $65 plan is $15 a month for your first three months. That's $150 in savings. And you're not signing your life away either to get it. There's no service contract. There's no cancellation fee. Pure Talk also has 100% US-based customer service if you need help. So you can keep automatically paying the wireless bill. You've stopped thinking about, or you can spend about 10 minutes looking at whether a $15 a month plan makes sense. And it does. Spoiler. For a limited time, you can get any Pure Talk plan, including unlimited data for just $15 a month for your first three months. Simply go to puretalk.com/walls to claim this offer again. That's puretalk.com/walls. To start saving today. The reasons can perhaps best be explored through real-world examples, I think. There's a considerable volume of stay-at-home husband videos on social media, especially TikTok. And they are very helpful, though, of course, unintentional, in illustrating the problems with this arrangement, like this one. Watch. As a full-time stay-at-home dad, most days, I spend hours at a time like this. When my house looks like this, before long I'm in my head, I'm spiraling, I'm tying myself a worthless that I don't do anything, but then I remember that I do. I'll provide for her needs. If you find yourself in a similar situation, then you deserve that grace and compassion as well. Hold your babies when they sleep, taking that with them. It's really good for you both. Well, your house is disgusting, first of all, it looks like a third-world refugee encampment. It looks like you haven't used a vacuum since the Bush administration. Your house resembles the inside of a homeless guy's tent. And you kind of resemble the homeless guy in the tent, so I guess that makes sense. Now in fairness, this kind of video is not unique to the stay-at-home dad, genre. There are plenty of videos like this posted by stay-at-home moms. And those videos are a subgenre in a larger category of videos that people make intended to advertise their shortcomings, hoping that their shamelessness will be mistaken for honesty and that the supportive comments, all from other people also looking to excuse their own vices, will make them feel better about being so dysfunctional and lazy. People love doing that these days. That's what so much of social media is now. I mean, a lot of people still say that the thing with social media is everyone tries to present their life like they're perfect. You know, everybody wants to present this like perfect life. And there is a lot of that on social media, but the opposite also happens and is worse because the opposite is what we just saw. The opposite is somebody making a video saying, "Look how terrible I am. Look at what a slob I am. Look how awful. Look at me not doing anything. My life is in total disarray and disrepair. Look at that everybody." And the reason they do that again is they are trying to normalize it within themselves. They want to do that and they want to get comments and they want they want the comments to say, "Oh, I'm not the only one. Oh, you're so brave for being honest. Oh, this is just real. Thank you for being so real and genuine." And then they can say, "Oh, I guess it's okay. Like, I guess, oh, you know, I'm not lazy for refusing to clean up the living room and run a vacuum. I'm actually brave. I'm a real, genuine, bold, brave person." That's the idea. Now, the truth is that it's unacceptable to live like a slob, to live like that is a moral failing. And you don't need to sit on your couch all day to hold the baby, by the way. Okay, the baby doesn't need to be held every second of the day. Baby really doesn't need that. In fact, it's much healthier for the baby to be put down in a crib or on a mat on the ground. If the tradeoff is that she isn't forced to live in a nuclear waste zone. Okay, if you want to prioritize your daughter, stop forcing her to grow up in a landfill. If you're staying at home, you are the homemaker. The home has to be made every day. It is unmade and made over and over again. Putting it back together is your job, maintaining it, seeing to it, making sure that it is clean and organized and functional and a pleasant place to live. "is your whole responsibility." But this guy isn't trying to present an argument in defense of being a state-home husband. He's just kind of showing us a slice of state-home husband life and that slice of life is so horrible that I've been plunged into a state of second hand despair just by looking at it. And there are a lot of these types of videos on TikTok. Some of them are much glossier, much more put together, less visible filth in the frame. And yet still somehow no less despair inducing watch. Welcome back to my morning routine as a state-home dad. So I get the day rolling with our normal routine, but today the kids weren't interested in listening to Tony's. Instead they just wanted to play with some of their animal toys. It was time to feed Bell and then we decided what was for breakfast. So we got it rolling and we threw in some turkey bacon, some eggs, scrambled those bad boys up, Charlie had to help, of course. And let me tell you, these two kids can make a pretty good breakfast. It always feels good to kick start the week on a good note and I love our Monday mornings together. So I got both them dressed. Then it was my turn to attack Charlie's hair. So his mom was still getting ready for the day. Do you want me to try and do a braid? A braid. Try and do a braid. OK. Then I'll do a braid. I don't want to do a braid. Do you call it? How do you think? Do you see the braid? BANG! BANG! I'm strong! BANG! BANG! I love it. I can do this. She was so cute this morning. I didn't even have to start her affirmations. She decided to hop on the sink and just start screaming. I'm at the mirror. She is definitely her mom's daughter. She's so confident. I love it. I love seeing how much she's just like her mama. After we dropped off some coffee, it was time to head outside and do a little walk around the neighborhood. Then we headed home to play around with the front guard for a little bit. Now look, I'm sure this guy is a nice guy. Cute kids. They seem happy. He keeps the house clean at least, at least when he's making a TikTok video he does. But when you see the house husband spending his day brushing hair, making breakfast, taking the kids to the park, bringing drinks and meals to his wife who's like sitting at the computer doing a job, you immediately recognize it as somehow disordered, wrong, unnatural. Now you might feel bad for recognizing that. I don't, but you might. But you do recognize it. And that is not some idle bigotry. It's thousands of years of human experience. In every society that has ever existed from ancient times until today, men have always been tasked with providing material sustenance for the family. That has always been always fundamentally the man's job, whether they were going out to hunt or farm or earn a paycheck, men have for thousands of years left the house, gone out into the world or down to the field or into the woods to fight and kill and provide. That has always been the man's role everywhere in one form or another. Now the fact that it's always been that way is a pretty good indication, perhaps not always decisive on its own, but a pretty good indication that it's meant to be that way. Or at the very least, if something has always been a certain way, always, always, always for thousands of years, before you change it, you should be very clear about why it was that way before and why you're changing it. Okay, I think it's GK Chester to make this point about you're walking along and there's a fence. Just because a fence is there, does that mean the fence should be there forever? Like every fence that's ever been erected, does that mean that none of them should ever be torn down, not necessarily? But before you start tearing down that fence, you better be damn well sure why the fence was, who put it there, how long has it been there, and why is it there? And if you don't know why the fence is there, you are a fool for tearing it down. Okay, you're going to get your face smold off by a pit bull. If you're tearing down the fence without knowing why it's there, and of course our society has been doing a version of that for many years, just tearing, coming across every fence we see, except for actual like fences, like border walls, but every metaphorical fence we see in our culture, which is how that shouldn't be there. Oh, that's like a restriction, that's a thing that's telling me what to do. It must be wrong. Now can we go against our biology and nature and experience and the wisdom of our ancestors and totally rewrite the program, flipping these gender roles upside down? Yes, we can. Is it a good idea? Does it work? Does it make us happier? Does it make our family stronger? Healthier? Well, the proof is in the pudding. Marriages tend to fall apart quicker and more often when the roles are reversed. And multiple studies, including one recently, have found that stay-at-home husbands are more likely to be depressed, more likely to feel isolated, stressed, and the women set off to work jobs outside the home are also more likely to be depressed as we discuss this week. Working moms are more likely, not less, to be on psychiatric drugs than stayed home moms. So it turns out that gender roles are not arbitrary. They are in fact reflections of our inherent nature. Women are more suited to the role of homemaker and caretaker. And to begin with, it's not an incidental fact that women are also the ones who bear children. There's a lot of practical reasons why the person in the marriage who carries the child in her womb and then births that child, like that is also the person who stays home with the kids. That makes a lot of sense. And on the other hand, our more suited to go out into the world and earn and provide and conquer. That doesn't mean the roles can't be flipped. It doesn't mean the roles can't be shared in some way as they often are these days and sometimes that you have no choice. It doesn't mean that you can't do things differently. It just means that men and women are in fact different. We have different strengths and weaknesses. We are made to complement each other. This is a basic fact of our human nature that the modern world has been desperately trying to escape, but it hasn't escaped it and it never will. The divorce and depression rates should be evidence enough of that. But apparently it's not enough evidence, at least according to this guy, whose name is Owen Squires, by the way, watch. Being a stay-at-home dad the last five years has caused me to grow resentful toward other men. I feel like as a guy, the more accomplished you are, the more achievements you have, the more hobbies you're involved in, the better shape you're in, the more likely you ain't as a dad. Like being a stay-at-home parent causes you to see through the bullshit really quick. I can have a brief interaction and be like, "Oh, mom's doing literally all the work in that family." Most guys, when they ask me what I do for work and I tell them I'm a stay-at-home dad, you can just see I'm kind of like, "Like you, bro." Like you just listed the 35 things you have going on in life right now that center you. Like you're still the main character I see. What about your kids? What about your three kids and your wife? Being in this role just forces you to see how men collectively, myself included, have dropped the ball for generations in terms of supporting our wives and our children. Being a stay-at-home dad forces you to see that like, a paycheck equals manhood. And as long as you're checking that box, you can stay the main character. I'm off, bro. I can fully see why women are no longer choosing us. Like most of us ain't- Yeah, bro, that's right, bro. But your wife know that men are trash, but you aren't like those other men, bro. That'll keep her from divorcing you, bro. Just tear men down, bro. Tell her how terrible we are, bro. That'll keep her happy, bro. At least until she cheats on you with a coworker, which she probably is already doing, I'm afraid to say, you know, as a rule of thumb, it's not a good sign as a man when you feel the need to argue that other men who are, and let me make sure I had this right, in good shape and highly accomplished are actually bad. I wonder what his wife says when he goes off on these like, pick me, rants to her, "Hey, honey, isn't it so awful when men are in good shape and have lots of money and accomplishments? Don't you just hate- don't you just hate that, honey? Don't you just hate men who are ambitious and strong and successful? Don't you just hate men who earn a lot of money and are in good shape and like, and can bench press?" Don't you just hate that, isn't that the worst? Sure. Oh, and yeah. Yeah. Oh, and I hate that. Anyway, I got my appointment with the physical trainer. Don't wait up. Yeah, it's another one of those long appointments that, yeah, it's over like 2 a.m. Don't worry about it. It's totally normal. In reality, of course, a man need not choose between being physically strong and professionally accomplished and a good dad. These are things that are all very much related. It's possible for a man to value the first or the second too much at the expense of the third. It's possible for a man to be ambitious to the point of greed. It's possible for a man to value fitness to the point of vanity, but it's also possible for him to be motivated to take care of his body and achieve financial success precisely because he loves his family. And that scenario is not just possible, it is the ideal. And the opposite of that is very bad. Being a man who does not care about your physical fitness at all, doesn't care about achievement at all, doesn't care about accomplishing anything at all, that is bad. It is also grotesque to every woman on the planet. And it's grotesque to your wife if you have one. And if you don't, you'll never get one with an attitude like that. This is really the point about the househows. You know, there may be men who end up staying at home because of circumstances out of their control as we've covered. There may be men who stayed home by choice and there may be some of them who find a way to be reasonably happy and to keep their marriages intact and to prevent their wives from losing all respect from them. That is possible. Maybe some of these TikTok husbands have managed to thread that needle. Well scratch that. I mean, no man who spends his days not only playing the role of house husband but also documenting it on TikTok could possibly have his wife's respect. So none of these guys have threaded the needle, but maybe some guys who aren't seeking validation on social media have, that is possible. But if you are a young man trying to determine your path in life, you should ask not what sort of choices you can get away with, what sort of things you can make work, but rather what is the ideal? What is the thing you should aspire to? What sort of man should you desire to be? And the answer is a man who can do and does in fact do what men have always been called to do, which is to protect and provide. That is a man's unique calling. It always has been. It always will be. There's no way to change it. And we shouldn't try. And that is why the house husbands and certainly it goes out saying the house boyfriends are today canceled.