Matt Jones & The Hollywood Truth

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Right now, Bathmate Direct is giving our listeners up to 20% off when you use the code BELLY at Bathmate. direct.com slash BELLY. That's Bathmate Direct. B-A-T-H-M-A-T-E-D-I-R-E-C-T.com slash BELLY. Use code BELLY for up to 20% off. Hit Bathmate Direct.com slash BELLY. Use code BELLY and start delivering legendary performances, Luke. The link is in the episode description. You writing some notes? Uh, no. Okay. It's just like a, kind of a. Do you know who Matt Jones is? Yes, of course. Dude, come on, you can't look at my notes. I can't read them. I honestly can't read them. You don't ever yell at my guest again, man. I'm not yet. I wasn't. I can't read that. They say that's a sign of genius. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right. I feel like Luke is a young Matt Jones. Oh, yeah? Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was never that fuckable. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Young, same kind of haircut. Oh, yeah? Okay, yeah. All right. I mean, is that what the whites are doing lately? I don't even know. Is it a trend? What's the meeting like? Yeah, what is the meeting of that haircut, guys? I don't go to church anymore. Do you? No, I never. I'm Jewish. I never went to church. You're Jewish? Oh, I'm sorry. Temple. My bad. Also a church. It is a church. There's four main religions. Are there not? Is that like a loaded question? Is that a loaded question? Are there not? There are four main religions. I would say three. I would say zero. Yeah. I would say Christianity, Muslim. Hinduism is really big. Yeah, Hinduism. And Islam. Israel. Israelite. Just the country. Yeah, yeah. No, I mean, Judaism. Yeah, yeah. Judaism. Yeah. Yeah. Are there the four? Would Scientology be in there? No. They're pretty big, though. They're pretty big. I guess. Yeah. What do you mean, you guess? I just don't give a shit. You're in a kick right now. You don't give a shit about anything. I really don't. Yeah, yeah. Nice. So the reason why I got mad here, I mean, you've been on the list forever. But I was watching, I don't know why, but you kept popping up on my TikTok feed. Okay. Oh, I'm on TikTok? Yeah, you're on TikTok. I don't have TikTok. Yeah. I don't either, but I still, you know. You don't? Well, I mean, I've never posted anything. I just, I like watching it. Right. So I created a profile so I can just watch it. It's kind of having it. I'm bad enough with Instagram, so I don't. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't. Was it trending on Instagram? I don't know. I don't know. Yeah, yeah. Well, you did an interview. A couple of interviews. Yeah, I've done a couple. Yeah. And I've just been a little honest about how much the business sucks. Yeah. And, yeah. And I've had, what's weird is people, some people don't post publicly, but I've had some like, I don't know, Oscar winners reach out and be like, holy shit, I feel the same way. And I was like, well, then say that publicly. Yeah. But no. They don't. No, because I, everybody's afraid they're talking themselves out of a job. Yeah. But I'm not getting jobs. Anyway, so. That's what I felt. Right? Why do you think I'm in this garage? You know what I mean? It really is a garage. You can't. I know. It's a garage. I'm in my garage because I couldn't get the work. So I'm like, I'll just do this. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, at the end of the day, it's like I transitioned out of waiting in line. But this is better. Yeah. I don't know if it's better. I don't know if it's worse. But it's like, it's something that like. I went a different direction. But I understand. You know. Holy shit. Is that you? So he wasn't as fuckable. Yeah, you weren't as fuckable as it was back then. Wow. What happened there? A lack of parenting. Yeah. Just no one was really paying attention to what I was eating or doing. Yeah. Boy. Were you swimming in bog water? In butter. I was trying it. You were swimming in butter. In butter. Okay. Okay. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Absolutely unfuckable. Great. Oh, my God. That's not unfuckable? I think he got some girls. That's 1999. It's like a fat Michael Shannon. Yeah. Okay. That is kinder than I would be. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I always thought I looked like a lesbian until I was 20. Yeah. Like, that is a stand-up comic. Yeah, that's a stand-up comic. Yeah. Like, Barbara Sanders. Yeah. Something like that. Signing up for Kill Tony. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Traveling. People travel to go do that show. It's wild. It's wild. Yeah. From all over the country, they travel to go to that show. I can't watch it. Okay. I can't watch it. Yeah, I know. It's hard. I know it's really popular. Yeah. And it's- I can't do it. I've done it. I can't do it. He sneaks out. I sneak out. I appreciate that people love it, but it just makes me so uncomfortable. I don't like it. Yeah, yeah. I've guessed it on that. I've guessed it on that panel before with Bert and some other people, and I usually leave halfway during it, and I'll go, I gotta go to the bathroom, and I'll wait 45 minutes and then come back. I cannot do it, and I will never do it again. Yeah. Yeah. Because you just don't like being mean to people or something? I just don't know what to say. It's like, people are developing, and it's like, the person that we're watching now isn't the person that we're going to be watching 10 years from now, so it's like ripping on somebody that early. It is tough for me. Yeah, yeah. I'm not a roaster in general. I mean, I called you a fat Michael Shannon. No, yeah. Pretty good. Pretty good. Pretty good roast, but. I mean, personally, I just, the whole show is about who's going to be the next stand-up comic, and I don't think anybody should be. I want to say no to everybody. Yeah, yeah. Because you're an improv guy. It's done. We don't need any more stand-ups. Yeah. Is it because you're such a die-hard improv guy? No, I'm not a die-hard. Improv is stupid waste of time. I love it because I hang out with my friends, and I'll do it every now and then, but it is an illegitimately stupid waste of time. Watching it. You did comedy sports. I did in high school. Oh, my God. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What's comedy sports? It was a thing that was popular in the 90s. Yeah, yeah. You wore a jersey? Yeah. No, really, you wore a jersey. They did. A singlet? A singlet? Yeah, and you'd compete against the other team for audience claps, but it was all rigged, and it was like wrestling in its own right. And it was stupid. What was your team called? It was just whatever, like the red team or the blue team. It was the new team every time. Yeah, yeah. New team. And I was on a high school team, so we were Claremont High School Comedy Sports. Wait, Claremont. Is that in San Diego? No, this is without the I. This is next to Pomona. Oh, Pomona. It's there. Okay. So do you guys usually win, or? Whatever the home team was, we won. Yeah, yeah. That was the rule. And you never did Second City or anything like that, or Groundlings? No. I did Boom Chicago and Amsterdam. Oh, you did Boom? Oh, good. I did tons of UCB stuff in Providence. Did you do it with Ike and all those guys? They were a little before me, but I did a bit with Jordan. Yeah, yeah. And Colton. Colton Dunn, yeah. I mean, tons of people. Yeah. And Jordan and Jordan Peele? Yeah. He just said that. Sorry, I didn't drop the Peele. That's what I'm clarifying. You think it was Michael Jordan? I don't know. It could be from Chicago. Chicago, yeah. It could be anyone. It could be someone you've known. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Stop playing basketball tonight, Joe. Michael Jordan. Larry Bird. He's not playing basketball. Usain Bolt. Usain Bolt. Michael Phelps in. Imagine that improv group. Oh, my God. Terrible. I just want to clarify. But also, every improv group is terrible. I mean, you know what the worst torture is watching long form improv? So, yes, I would say yes, 99.999% of the time. Yeah. And then there's these certain people that can do it so well. Keegan can do it. That it fools everyone else. Yeah, I can do it. Did you know Tammy Sager? Oh, yeah. Like, Tammy, I would see her and, like, Craig Kikowski and, like, Stephanie Weir. Yeah. And Bob Dassey and, like, those people. Yeah. Unbelievable. Unbelievable. But then everyone else. Yeah. Don't do it. That's the cream of the crop. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. I have a guy, Dave Hill. We've been doing a two-man together for, like, 15 years. We are very good at it. Wait, wait, wait. You have an improv group. Yeah, it's just. I thought you said. I thought you said it's shit. Yeah, that's why we don't. You just said it was shit. And you're currently in an improv group? Yes. Yes. That's how he knows. No, our show's not shit. Everything. How do you know? No, it is sometimes shit. I'm going to watch it. I'll tell you if it's shit or not. When's your next live show? We don't. We do them, like, randomly. Like, maybe, like, three or four times a year. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm going to go to the next one. Okay. Yeah. And I will tell you if it's shit. But the next one is in Minneapolis. It is? Yeah. It's long form. Yeah, we do. We get one suggestion. We do, like, a full show that everything connects. It's almost like a play. Yeah. But it's very good. Yeah. So do you do improv, Luke? I took two classes. Where at? I took UCB 101. Okay. No big deal. Educated. And then I did one day class at the Groundlings. Okay, cool. And I thought, eh, this isn't really for me. It isn't. Yeah. Yeah. He's a stand-up. Don't judge. True comedy. No, stand-up real comedy. Real shit. Kill Tony shit. I honestly, I'm a huge stand-up fan. I've been a stand-up fan my whole life. Yeah. And I just, I've never done it. Yeah. Because I like stand-up. Yeah. And I just know that, like, I could do it. I could legitimately do it. But I don't think I would be great at it. And I think it's been too long now. No. For me to go and throw away my nights and weekends for the rest of my life. No. You get 20 minutes, and then you open for me. Yeah. Anytime. I've got 20 right now. I'm right up my ass. I do. Absolutely. You have 20 minutes of stand-up. I could do a solid 10 right now. Wow. Wow. Holy, I could. You could. Yeah. Yeah. I want 20, 25. Okay. All right. Get that, and then you'll be opening for me. Okay, great. Yeah, and I'll pay you good. All right, done. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll pay you good. So, but, you know, I just recently, as in 20 minutes ago, look at you yeah that's how i prepare i go yeah matt's coming i'll do some preparation and i looked at your imdb and i scrolled through it and a mass amount of work yeah you know i mean um you were in badger um breaking bad sure and then you were also um in that supernatural um anti-superman movie yeah yeah um what's it called bright burn yeah james gunn produced uh david yorovsky directed yeah and so you know james i do yeah yeah can't put you in the thing i guess i don't know i mean yeah yeah i mean here i'll tell you this i'll throw this out there i don't even care i the other day i don't care i auditioned for something a big one yeah yeah that um he's involved with and for the first time in my entire career i've never done this ever ever ever you I messaged him and i was like hey just let you know i auditioned for this just so you can make sure you see the tape yeah basically that's not a bad thing i've never that's what they do but i've never done that because i have this like shitty integrity and like i i don't want to be pathetic and i've never asked for a job or dropped a name ever yeah and i did it the other day and i swear to god i couldn't sleep that night oh wow so i was like how did i do that no no that's what you're supposed to do matt no that agent is supposed to you know what i did the other day this is the first i've ever done right i wasn't moving as many tickets and in in chicago although i sold it out but because i had to pull in the big guns and it was hard to ask i went to joe coy gabriel iglesias tom segura and burke reicher and i go can you post a story for my show and then it sold out there you go but it was very difficult to do i had never done that before because i could usually sell out on my own but it was like it was because of the economy and because people aren't selling right now you know i mean i had to do it but in this day and age i think making that text is the right thing to do see but the difference between you doing oh here we go there's a difference i'm telling you you're doing stand-up yeah and me doing some fucking movie or tv show yeah i still do it too i'm starting out of the business man i mean nimrod's coming out i was in happy gilmore too i i i i he's i'm not out he's like i saw your mdb man i don't know yeah yeah i was in the city reservation i did stuff saying the difference like you you're doing it yourself right you're booking this place it's looking like my house no no theater in chicago oh yeah yeah right yes a to b it's it's you to there yeah the audience yeah i i have to crawl through like mountains and and oceans of dog shit to get to the theater and then back through because there's all these people in the middle that are taking all the money i know for everybody not just for me for the people that are directing it for everybody yeah so uh there's advertisers and all this shit you're just going to a place and selling to stupid people that'll pay you i think you're funny but like that's a direct con whereas like the whereas the long con is like i i have no control over my fate that's yeah terrible yeah i don't want to do that take control exactly yeah that's what i told you the other day i i texted you i go you gotta take control so you said i you text me i should start a podcast about how shitty the business is yes and i just don't want to hear some i don't want to hear a bunch of fucking actors complain about it anymore i don't i wouldn't listen to that i would you would i would too and yeah i would too the reason why i would listen to it is because i feel the same shift i feel the same resentment i feel the same anger about it so it's like yeah i would um definitely listen to that i think it's just still it's just me mad at rich kids right yeah i know from when i was a kid i i hate rich kids and i still hate rich kids you know what i mean yeah and and it's all run by rich kids yeah like all the executives are rich kids bro you know bro there's this thing bro i want to tell you something there's this thing called the golden gala okay it's an it's it's it's the uppity asians yeah and every year they get together yeah right and they invite me right but i can't have a plus one everyone else is plus one right and the one time i went right i was in the back right and all the stephen yunes and the michelle yowes and the john jones because you're a bad asian because they think you're gonna show up with like a prostitute they're afraid you're gonna do that i know but if you were married to a nice young girl no but i have a nice girlfriend right now yep you're not married i know i know i know i'm not married and i'll never get married and you'll never get a plus one i know no no i want to know what i'm my point is is that i know i'm gonna be in the back right i know they're gonna side eye me like you mean oh my god there's their dirty one you know what i mean they consider me the dirty one you know what i mean and it's like i mean i could argue that i have a bigger fan base absolutely i mean then most of them i get i we're talking about built right now built built built right now so built built right down get your built on i love built man b-i-l-t man it's like you know whether you're renting or paying a mortgage one of your biggest monthly expenses should be working harder for you and that's the fact that's where built comes in built is the membership where you live that rewards you with points on every housing payment wherever you live and honestly it's something that like okay for me at least yeah like you can't get away from it you pay rent or you pay a mortgage and it just stings right but now with built not with built it stings my ass it stings not with built though not with built out yeah yeah it just doesn't matter anymore and it kind of is like you're almost excited to pay rent because there are perks to paying rent now you get points and you can use those points 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This is stuff I use all the time. Like what members only experience do you use? I use Lyft rides at Amazon pretty much every day. Oh, that's good. That's pretty cool. Yeah, that's more on my alley. You're kind of a members only guy. No, I'm a built home delivery powered by GoPuff. Oh. I'm a fan of GoPuff. You're that kind of guy. I'm that kind of guy. Yeah. Yeah, soul soccer. I'm just a basic student loan balances kind of guy. Yeah. Anyway. Guys, join the membership for where you live at joinbuilt.com slash belly. Once again, that's join the membership for where you live at joinbuilt.com slash belly. That's J-O-I-N-B-I-L-T dot com slash belly. Make sure you use our URL so that we so they know we sent you. Hymns for your hair and prescriptions of yeah. Hymns for tools and oral medication. Yeah. You guys, hymns have saved my life. My hair is thicker, stronger, never look better. I'm growing my hair out again. Catching hair loss early makes all the difference, Luke. 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It's straightforward, guy. Transparent and designed to make getting care feel very easy. And don't you like easy? Yes. Yeah. Start now, dude. For simple online access to personalized and affordable care for hair loss, weight loss, and more visit hymns.com slash belly. That's hymns.com slash belly for your free online visit. Hymns.com slash belly. Featured products include compound drug products with the FDA does not approve or verify for safety, effectiveness, or quality. Prescription required. Individual results may vary. See websites for full details, restrictions, and important safety information. For more information, visit hymns.com slash belly. Why? Why? Thank God. I just feel as though, like, every great. I mean, the way you're talking. Sorry, I'm a little grip in the Palisades. Fucking Palisades. I'm an executive. Can I tell you. Yeah, you're never gonna work again. I won't. I won't. I'm talking shit about Jews in the Palisades. I'll tell you, this is my. This is how crazy. I grew up 45 minutes east of here, right? Yeah, yeah. And I came into town. I was doing commercial and whatever. I was, like, 18 and on. And I had this friend that grew up in the Palisades and we had, like, a sketch group when I was, like, 19, 20. Another sketch group. Yep. And we practiced in his parents' garage in the Palisades. How do you practice. Sketches. All sketches, okay. And this is how ridiculous the Palisades is. I was driving down the road and my shitty, like, 1988 Nissan Sentra at the time. And I had the windows rolled down and I had just put in, like, a CD player, you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. Like, this is, like, where you had to take off the face. And I'm driving down the road and I'm playing Come Sail Away and I'm, like, rocking out, like. And then a girl rides up to me on, like, a Ninja motorcycle, like, nods at me and rides off. I'm like, oh, nice. And I come up to another stoplight and I go in and Arnold Schwarzenegger pulls up next to me in a convertible black Ferrari and a t-shirt, a black t-shirt dressed like the fucking Terminator and looks at me and goes like that, gives me a thumbs up and drives on. And I was like, wow. Fuck the Palisades. Come on! Come on! That's good! That's nice! You know, you perceived it wrong. You perceived it wrong. Yes, I'm a negative person. I know, I know. He would never give me a thumbs up. He would go, fuck you. Bot, I'm Asian. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm a bottom Asian, dude. Yeah. I, that's probably true. That's probably true. I think it is. I think, I really believe I'm a bottom Asian. We all are, I think. Yeah. Yeah. In this room, all the Asians in this room are bottom Asians? Yeah, and I'm thankful for that, too. I also love rich people, too, right? You do? You do all of a sudden? No, no, like, I. Out of nowhere, you do? I deeply, I deeply resent them. Yeah, yeah. But, like, have you ever been, like, a really incredible rich person party? Yes. It's so cool. I love how, like. I went to Thanksgiving at Michael Bay's house. Oh, yeah. I went to this, like, Hollywood party years ago. Yeah. I can't say who it was. Why? Well, because it's, I don't know who it was. You just showed up to it. I see. No, no, no. I was invited to this party. Just say that you don't know who it is. No, I was invited to this party. It was the agency I was with at the time. It was, like, the owner of the agency. Can you tell me the agency? Paradigm. And it was, like, the owner of the agency is, like, has, like, so much money. But it was their brother, I think. Yeah. And it was in, like, in a part of the Hollywood Hills I didn't know existed. Yeah. It was, like, down in a back canyon kind of thing. Michael Bay. Michael Bay. Where the hell am I? Yeah. And, like, their backyard had, like, two pools. And in the middle of the pools was, like, a green grass area that was, like, the size of a football field. Yeah. This is their backyard. Yeah. And then they had, like, um, uh, uh, what's the famous? No boo there. Like, and, like, every alcohol you could think of. Just whatever you want. And so I was, like, oh, just top shelf everything. Yeah. Open bar. Yeah. So I just was drinking, like, 30-year-old scotch, like, crazy. Yeah. And then I was, like, I have to go to the bathroom. And they're, like, oh, this guy will lead you down to the bathroom. And there's tons of people. Are there stars there? Uh, yeah. A lot. Yeah. I remember, uh, God rest his soul, I was wasted. I cornered James Van Der Beek. Yeah. And I walked him for, like, a half an hour. Oh, yeah. And I walked back. My wife was, like, what were you guys talking about? I was, like, I don't remember. Yeah. Van Der Beek's in this podcast. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Nice guy. Really nice guy. And he, uh, anyhow, I had to go to the bathroom. And we, like, they, like, led me down these stairs. And I went under this massive house. And there was a movie theater, um, with, like, four pool table, like, a pool hall connected to a movie theater connected to, like, uh, like, a concession, area that was completely full. And it was just, and then there was a small bowling alley thing. Yeah. And then I, I opened a door, because I started snooping, and I saw 22 washers and dryers. Yeah. 22? 22. I counted. It's a sweatshop. And I was, like, how do you get other businesses going? Do you run 22 at one time? Yeah. Like, that blew my mind over everything. Yeah, yeah. Is it coin-operated? I mean, that's not really funny. Yeah, yeah, that's really funny. That's very funny. Like a little token machine? No, it was just a serious question. Were they running a business? Yeah. 22 is crazy. 22 is wild. I just couldn't believe it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And, uh. Did they have those, one of those machines where you put, like, you know, get snacks? Vending? Vending? Vending. No, there wasn't a vending machine. It was just, why would it be behind glass? It's just there to take. Oh, right. Like, when I was a kid, if there was this. That'd be cool if there was a vending machine. If I was a kid, if there was a Snickers, you would eat the Snickers. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You wouldn't be like, you know what? I'm gonna have that later. Yeah, yeah. No. You eat it now. Oh, you eat it now. Yeah, yeah. They had that. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I would just love, like, my chips to get snagged at this party. With that peek into the. And I'm pushing the machine so that it unsnags. Anyway. But that peek into that rich world is unbelievable. I've peeked, too. I'm a peeker. And I've I've peeked the rich. What did you see in Michael Bay's house where you were like, oh, I can never get to this level? Well, I mean, I don't have a museum. Oh, he has a museum? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Of his own stuff? Of his own stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's awesome. Yeah, yeah. So I have never been to an in-house museum of his own work. Yeah. There's a bumblebee there. Sure. The full thing. Really? Oh, yeah. The car. Oh, my God. Yeah. There's. I already told you that in the movie The Rock, the little. The ball. Oh, yeah, yeah. The ball thing. Yeah. Do you remember The Rock? Yeah. Yeah. The green. Yeah, yeah. So I picked that up. He has a museum. He has a movie theater. I saw a full-blown movie that hadn't been released yet. In his movie theater. And then I also saw. He named his deer. He has a deer? He has deers. Oh, just like free-roaming in the neighborhood. In his backyard. Oh, he goes, there's Frank. I go, okay, you named him. Okay. I mean, but that's not a rich person thing. Deer just come across people's property, whatever. I wanted to ask you guys, though, Like if you did have absolute like fuck you money know like michael jackson got like a giraffe like what would be your first big fuck you purchase i i just would never i i can't imagine the amount of money where i'd ever spend like that luke i just wouldn't i would probably no no i would buy you give me the palisade you're my bubble you're my bubble never ending ranch that's what i call it never ending ranch and you'll be there well you wouldn't do it for how much money would i have to pay you to i mean it would have to be his backyard giraffe yeah honestly if i could just live there for free i'd probably do it luke come on no come on name a price say like price i guess a million a year that's not true that's not true yeah point two california non-california you that's one of the half of that yeah yeah i mean i'll take it yeah i mean people have been urging me to move out of la for a bit now tax haven tax yeah one of the tax havens yeah but what are you gonna we're gonna go austin and that's what i'm saying i don't know where to go well you love washington puerto rico washington dc no washington the state oh yeah yeah if you're gonna continue to do this this sucks on zoom right yeah you gotta have people in person i know in a place where it i know so that's why i stay it's only because of podcast guests is the only reason that's linking me into this town is podcasting because andrew's not gonna move where and where he wants to move he wants to move into a place where i don't want to move which is phoenix oh god no oh yeah oh i know he's moving to phoenix he wants to move to phoenix because of the taxes and also because of the fucking golf golf yeah yeah do you play golf no either golf sucks right it's so boring gonna die from smelling their own farts the shit is so boring i know and because of global warming that that place is gonna get hotter and hotter in 2050 it's gonna be unlivable phoenix the also the the amount of i can't the amount of yeah you can't the you and you will say it the wasted space of golf courses in los angeles alone and by the way they're not taxed on this shit they are not taxed on it's billions of dollars and you've got hundreds of thousands of homeless people in the street and if you just tax the fucking golf course i can't churches too sure oh god oh my god don't get me even started we could all live our lives uh oh my you want to lower taxes yeah tax churches tax churches yeah and oil companies no yes yeah yeah i thought you were like pausing on oil let me think about oil let me think about hate golf but love oil yeah so uh you think it's it's forever dead hollywood no no no i think it's no i just think that it's working in a different way and for people like you and me no one is ever gonna give you the role you want to get i know ever ever they're just not gonna do it because they don't be so negative and it's not it's not just because you don't have it's not because they don't have a role for you it's because they they don't have the money or the courage to cast you in something because they need the latest like what's the guy he's a good actor but he's he was gonna replace you in death and roman um oh that guy oh yeah he's like this super hot asian guy with abs yeah like crazy abs yeah you know what i'm talking about the british guy yeah and he's british he's an excellent actor you're getting recasted that movie too yeah of course yeah of course i'm getting recast yeah yeah no it's just the kind of thing all right this is the deal let's talk about it he's not from la right he's not from the business he's not from la he is he's a kid from uh new york from new york and hong kong right like he's got that style and he's young so they don't know like uh about and also your generation sorry buddy um you don't know about like a respecter decorum that even that yeah okay because when i was your age i keep my mouth shut you learn and you listen yeah yeah yeah if i talk that way in front of michael richards i know dude also you're saying this guy doesn't know the business hong kong and new york that's pretty business no no i'm talking about the inside of the business so he like made his first thing and he was like oh cool people like it i want to make it even cooler let's get some people that can get the movie funded me and bobby can't get the movie funded yeah we can maybe no we can't but not as much money and we're not we can okay okay we can i don't have the confidence that you do yeah isn't that isn't that like kind of how the business works anyway no no the way the business works is people climb over your corpse to do that that is true people people are like hey hey can you do me a favor i'm gonna i'm gonna fuck you right now can you do me a favor just let me fuck you and you're like oh okay okay and they're like okay i'm fucking you and then they walk over your body that's what they do that's so that's what happened it seems like because if someone calls how many times in your career has somebody like hey can you come do this thing it's no money and on the next thing it'll be it has there ever been a next thing no never never been at the next thing i did this one thing which was a miracle i did a table read sure you're right you're not you're not you're just doing a favor and you you can you do it and i'm like i looked at who was in it and what the movie was and i was like all right i'll do it and i got cast from the table read that's the only time that's ever happened or i think there are some situations where um you just happen to be to say yes to something small and you meet someone there just by chance that leads to something else which is like you remember when you met gene hong that's the one time it's happened yes um you went to hawaii um for a small a small part in a movie yeah and then you just happened to run into someone else who was also filming there and then he actually got you on that show yeah so that's happened but like the truth is maybe you're not open enough no the truth is they're like people are the mysteries of life eat eat this bowl of shit bobby and you're like i don't want to eat this bullshit yeah you're like there's a line of people around the block will you need this bullshit bobby i know and you're like okay i'll eat it and then you eat it you choke it down they're like good boy good boy yeah and they come around again they're like i need you to eat another bullshit i don't want to i know you already did i know you can do it i know oh and you're like but i already ate the bullshit and then you're you're sitting there next to 10 empty bowls of shit you're like i'm sick yeah yeah that's exactly what it is yeah but let me ask you this though i mean you were series regular on mom yes chuck laurie's the best i love chuck i bet him the best the best right he he how long how long did that go i did mom for four years and then uh then i went off and i did another show and then chuck came to me and offered me another show and then i did this show called bob hart's abishola for five so i did nine years of chuck laurie and he said he'd bring him back and he did and it was like yeah so it does happen yeah but relationships no but i auditioned in the beginning for mom for a serious regular role and i was given something equal later right yeah like i know he never did chuck a favor he did me a favor yeah the whole time you know what i mean yeah i never really like built it was just this thing that always was right yeah so you're in the chuck laurie camp i'm in the chuck laurie universe yeah in the universe yeah yeah so um could you live off that money no oh okay i could have at one time yeah but that when i got to that point i was like oh my god i'm not gonna live off that money and i got on to yeah i mean if you want to get into the minutiae of it i i didn't have any uh what's the word leverage uh and i didn't get a huge amount of money oh your quote your quote was low low very low when i started mom and it never got up and then i left the show could you like i never got that big payday oh you never did yeah because at that time it changed it had changed so all those big bang guys got those that huge yeah i heard about that and i was like oh my god i heard you talk about that and they spun around and said everybody else that's not happening again and then in life that will never happen again i i don't think it's really gonna happen again wow they'll just cancel the show they'll just be like okay we'll make a different show well the numbers don't add up though anymore they don't yeah and i'm not blaming anybody for that like there's not the money to give us yeah asking for you know 500 grand an episode anybody gets that is you're gonna kill your show but if they can afford to give you it yeah take it when yeah yeah but it's not uh they're that money's not there anymore it's not there anymore yeah yeah so structurally is it the hobbit's fault no uh it's it's the internet when i say the hobbit what who's the hobbit sean austin no okay okay no he's a president of uh um after uh oh that's right he walked into a situation that's been bad for decades okay it's just gotten worse and worse i want to blame the hobbit but i don't think i can no the merger between sag and aftro was like do you think aragorn was like you know i mean the the president of sag that it would no maybe he is he is bilingual You could do some fucking deals with the elves. No, not just that. He speaks Spanish, too. Oh, the actor. Yes. Oh, the actor. You were thinking the character. I was thinking Aragorna, yeah. Yeah, the character. Oh, I see. He speaks Elvish. Yeah. He knows some dwarves. Yeah. Yeah, anyway. No, the situation has been eroding for decades. It's been eroding for decades, yeah. Well, I think the emergence of the internet and the emergence of streaming, the emergence of, I mean, I think network television is pretty much dead. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. To an extent. I mean, the years where we were doing it, because I was on, I think I've been on three series that got picked up that actually aired, you know what I mean? In those days, I was like, oh, if this continues, this will be good. But also like- And it was 22 episodes a year. But when you got that hit, you were like, let's just say you got a 22 episode a year and you're going to get 40,000 an episode, right? Yeah. Which is really, actor math, like 20 grand an episode. You're lucky if you get 50%. Probably you only get 33%. Okay. Because of agent, manager, lawyer, that's 25% off before taxes, and then they tax you on the gross. So you're getting like 35%, right? Yeah. So you're not even getting 40 an episode. You're getting like, yeah, like I said, like maybe 18. Yeah. But times 22, that's a lot of money. And back in the day, when you could go to the fanciest restaurant in Hollywood and only spend 200 bucks, oh man. Yeah. You're living huge. Huge. You could get a $300,000 house in North Hollywood. Yes. Back then. Back then, yes. Now it's $2 million for a house and you're getting paid less per episode and they're only doing 10 episodes. Yeah. And going to dinner anywhere in LA is $400. Yeah. And also the restaurants suck. Sure. Bath, mate. Ooh, yeah. Bath, mate. So wet. Bath, mate. Take my pants off. Bath, mate. You guys, my penis is larger. Just add water. You know, let's cut the crap. If you could have a bigger, harder, long-lasting erection, you'd take it, right? Yeah, absolutely. Am I not right? You're right. So why aren't you using bath mate yet? I use it. I'm looking at this box and this is quite the contraption. It's an impressive contraption. And as you can see, Bobby, there's like the little tape measure. I know. I use it. And I do the bottom one here. Yeah, yeah. But now it's at the second level. Do you think that you could get up to this right here? No. With this back side? No, no, no, no, no. Okay. That's crazy. Yeah, I'm not Eric Andre. But anyway, meet bath mate, the number one hydro-powered penis pump that actually delivers results. This isn't some gimmick. It's science-backed, proven, and used by guys worldwide who want better performance and a partner who can't get enough. It's more size. It's more girth. More confidence. You get better, longer-lasting erections. Your partner will feel the difference. You're going to be harder, stronger performance every single time. How do you know that, Luke? Well, all you have to do is just use it a few minutes a day when you shower and then you can just watch what happens in the bedroom. Your partner's reaction, it's going to be pricey. It really does work. I've been using it. It's like a pancake. It's just add water. Exactly. Right now, Bath Mate is giving our listeners up to 20% off when you use code BELLY at bathmatedirect.com slash belly. That's bathmate direct B-A-T-H-M-A-T-E-D-I-R-E-C-T dot com slash belly. Go to bathmatedirect.com slash belly. Use code BELLY and upgrade your sex life today, Luke. Link is in the episode description. What do you mean? In L.A.? In L.A.? No, I just. Have you been to Damien? Yeah, sure. There are good restaurants. I was going to say, Damien is not. Wow, Damien. Yeah, what do you mean? Damien's so good. It's a sexy bar, but the food itself is mid. Yeah. Okay, okay. My wife's a great cook. We eat better at home than most restaurants. If you have a wife who is a great cook, there's really nothing beating that. It really is. I don't know. I disagree. Dunsmore is good. Dunsmore is good. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Remember you took me to the Major Domo for the first time? Yeah, that was great. Yeah, that was really good. Yeah, yeah, yeah. My point being is that that's all I get. You eat the up front. I do the up front. Yeah, I leave halfway during the movie. Yeah, yeah. Like disclosure day. You walked out? You walked out? No, I didn't walk out. I haven't seen it yet. But I hear people, I see a lot of TikToks going, we walked out. Yeah, me too, yeah. But there are also other TikTokers that are like, you know what I mean? It changed my life. So I'm going to watch it Wednesday. Did you see The Fablemans? No good. No. Oscar nominated? Oof. It was bad. Yeah, but I love his other movies, but boy, that movie. Yikes. Really? I'm talking myself out of jobs. I love it. No, you're not. I think that we're in the age of being honest. Honest, okay. Yeah, yeah. And your opinion, who cares? Yeah, who gives a shit about The Fablemans? Yeah, who gives a shit? But also, you're like complaining about you're not getting jobs. Everything, like, what job? Wait. I can name one show, one show on TV, right? Two shows. Yeah. That I would love to be on. Okay. Outside of that, I don't care. Yeah. I don't care. Who do you think, okay, in the spirit of honesty, who are the top three women and top three male actors who are taking up too many roles and who should quit? Not quit. I don't think anybody should quit. I don't think anybody should quit, but I think that some people should go, you know what? I have enough. Yeah. Too much saturated. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's too much Nicole Kidman. We all know that. She does a show every month. Yeah, before you see a movie, you see her face. And I went off on that on this other podcast and I, and like, well, like, when is enough enough? I get it. Yeah. But also like, I don't know, maybe she's crazy and she is taking whatever she can get because in her head it'll all go away. That's fine. Yeah. I don't blame her. I blame this industry that is like, think that all of her means something. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. Just her is the only way your show could succeed. That's crazy. But the proof is, Obsession, no stars. Oh, yeah. The movie is making, going to make hundreds of millions of dollars. Have you seen Widow's Bay? I heard it's great. That's what I heard. I'm not kidding. It's one of the best shows I've ever seen. Really? It's unbelievable. Is it like Twin Peaks level? It is Twin Peaks. If Twin Peaks was made by someone, it's better than Twin Peaks. I'm sorry. I just re-watched Twin Peaks and this is, it's just so good. I'm watching it tonight. It's got like Coen Brothers feel to it. Yeah, I love the Coen Brothers. But also, it's so fucking good. And Katie Dibbold, who wrote and created it, she's a UCB person. I know Katie well. She's a writer. She wrote on Mad TV for years. I know. She had to write that shit. And now she's on Widow's Bay. Now she's created one of the best shows ever. What do you mean that shit, man? God damn it. First time I ever met Bobby. Yeah, yeah. I want to say 2004, 2005. Yeah. I was back home from Amsterdam and I had a bunch of friends working on Mad and I like hung out backstage or like after party thing and Bobby cornered me and told me some of the most fucked up stories I've ever heard in my life. Jesus. And I like walked away and Colton was like, hey, you all right, man? I was like, I don't know, man. Bobby told me something. What the fuck did you say? He calls him his deep east darkies. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Deep east darkies. His deep east darkies. Yeah, yeah. That was really funny. I mean, I've heard that before where people like Eric Andre always says that, man, you used to tell me the weirdest fucked up stories. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, but like Mad was, but SNL and Mad suck 85%. All right. It sucks. No, they suck 85% of the time but the 15% that's good is really, really good. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just keep it on the table, Matt. Jesus Christ. I have to clean up. You have that syndrome. I don't know if it's like. You know what it is? Yeah. You're a working man. Yeah. You're not out of touch. I'm not out of touch. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's got it. Yeah. Oh, thank you. Yeah, yeah. It gives me anxiety. There are people that I look on the billboards. I go, him again, him again. Of course. Wait, like who? Like who? I want to know. I think Nick Offerman works a lot. He does. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But he also, he does small enough. Yeah. It's not all about him. Yeah, he's not doing like every single big. He does work a lot. He does work a lot. He works a lot. He works a lot. God, I love him though. No, he's very talented. In fact, if I had a project and I was doing it, I would try to give him an offer. Yeah. But like the biggest name on Widow's Bay is Matthew Rhys. Yeah. Who in the industry is a name, but like people don't know who he is in the world. I don't think it matters anymore. I don't think it does. I'm saying this show is proof. Obsession is proof. Like. Backrooms. Yeah, you don't need these massive stars. Just do something that's good and interesting. Yeah. I mean, even at home, Adam Scott is kind of a name, but like. Yeah. Well, what's the name of the show? Severance. Severance. You know, they're not relying on these huge stars. Yeah, they're not. Yeah, yeah. I think it's the content and it's the originality. I mean, these new, these repeated IPs that they keep doing, I think that's fucking terrible. Yeah. We're remaking, you know what I mean? Remember they remade Total Recall? Why? I don't know even why you would remade Total Recall. You remade Total Recall. Why would you remake Total Recall? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was terrible. I've only seen the remakes. I don't really know. You've only seen the remake? Oh, my God. That's where the problem came out. I didn't even know it was a remake until years later. The original? Oh, my God. This generation. We've got to kill them. The original Paul Verhoeven movie? Yeah, I liked it. It's so perfect. It was so perfect. It's so dumb and great. Yeah, it's dumb and great. Fuck. Yeah. Three boobs. What? You made me wish I had three hands. There's three boobs in the original. Yeah. Well, it's in the remake, too. Good movie. Does he say in the remake, does he say, you make me wish I had three hands? Maybe. I think so. Oh, you'd remember. I don't know. The three boobs in the original is a much better boob. Okay. Yeah, they're plumpier. Yeah, and like Sharon Stone. Look at this thing. Look at this thing. That's a movie right there. And also, I don't blame Colin Farrell. I love Colin Farrell. He's killing it, too. But Colin Farrell now, like post I Have a Fuckboy, Colin Farrell is so much better. Yeah, I think so, too. And that's one of the other things is. Okay. Everything is either fuckboys, like just, it's nothing but like these gore, like. You think Chalamet is a fuckboy? Like Jacob Elordi's. They're just so attractive. Yeah. If you go back and watch 80s and 90s movies, nobody is that attractive. You're not allowed to be the lead of a movie if you're that attractive because it's too distracting. Right. Like, girls and guys. Even if you look at all of the John Hughes movies, like none of them, like, what's his name? The guy from Pretty in Pink? He was so okay, but just cute. Yeah. Yeah. Cute. Yeah. Or even like James Spader in Sixteen Candles. Yeah. Like, he's like the bad guy. He would be played by the hottest guy ever now. Yeah. Yeah. Whereas back then you have a weird ass guy like James Spader. That's so much more fun to watch. Although you do have like the Barry. Keegan. Keegan, yeah. Coogan. Coogan. Sure, but he's not in these. He's in Weird. Well, he's in Batman. He's in Batman, the new Batman. Yeah, and he was in Saltburn with Jacob. Right. Yeah, but these are British. Here's my theory on that. Let me just finish. So, if you watch, I've said this before. Yeah. If you watch the movie E.T. Yeah. Okay? Yeah. And you look at, he was the, I think Spielberg is the master of making a house look like an everyday house. Yeah, it's great. So, if you look in the house, things are just disheveled, chaotic, you know what I mean? It feels real. Yeah. Yeah, the rooms are only lit by the lights that are in the room. It's not like this bright ass room. Even Close Encounters, if you see the house there, it feels weird. Mm-hmm. It doesn't look real. Now, if you watch a house in a movie, it looks like it's like for sale and it's like, you know what I mean? An Ikea showroom looking house. The people don't look real. It's like, I think in the 80s, they booked real looking people that people could relate to. I feel like a lot of the UK shows still do that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're ugly as fuck. Just as much as I know. I wouldn't fuck anybody in those shows. I love an ugly actor. Me too. You're a great actor. You're going to get work, a lot of work. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm ugly. I'm ugly. Well, you were ugly. I'm Hollywood. You were so ugly. I think you're ugly. I don't think you're, I think you're good looking now. I know, but I'm Hollywood ugly, right? You are Hollywood ugly. You know, I'm Hollywood ugly. You're Midwest hot, though. I'm a Midwest eight. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm a Hollywood four. Yeah. No, no, no, no, no. But you're the, you're, you, but there's something about your face where you're, you seem like a happy guy and you're. Oh, in, on, on film. On film. Yeah. Oh, God. Not now. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Not as a person, but. Yeah, yeah. I mean, because I've worked with you. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Which was a grueling, the most grueling. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It wasn't great. It wasn't great. And what conspired after that was just really devastating. I. And it enraged me. It enraged me. Yeah, yeah. I do have a thing now where people ask me to do something. I'm like, well, if you make something else, then I have to be involved. Oh, so I'm not doing that. I'm doing this shit for free. Get that shit on paper. I'm going to get it on paper next time, too. Yeah. Because this dude told us, when we make the movie, you guys are going to be in it. Yeah. He just fool told us that. Yeah, and then he saw a commercial for something, A24, and he just jerked off. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's the guy. Did you get replaced by Charles Melton? No. If it was Charles, because I know Charles, I'd be honored. Okay. Who's supposed to replace me ever yet? They haven't even cast that yet. Oh, right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Be someone really hot. Like, that guy's gorgeous. Oh, I see. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That whole thing kind of ruined Project Hail Mary for me, honestly. What? Ryan Gosling does not seem like a scientist teacher. They're like, he's like, me? I can never do it. And he's in like a little cardigan, but he has like perfect hair and perfect highlights and all this stuff. And he's supposed to be like a school teacher that they just find out. He's one of the greatest actors of our generation. He's excellent in the movie, but you do have a point. It was like, this is so, they're like, he's like little old me. It's like, you're like the hottest guy ever. I feel like you'd walk in and be like, who the fuck is this guy? Do you know who would play him, be in Project Hail Mary if he was made in like 1985? Richard Dreyfuss. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I love him. Like a bold guy who's a real piece of shit in real life. Is he really? All right. Yeah, I mean, if we want to go all Hollywood, I can tell you who the pieces of shit are. You want me to say something? I don't want you to ruin Richard Dreyfuss for me. Oh, well, he's done it for himself. So, yeah, yeah. I'll throw a name out. He's an excellent. Helen Hunt. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Have you, have you actually had a direct? No, no, no, no. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. To your point about like not believing Ryan Gosling, you know, there's this whole like sentiment around not casting anyone who's done any body modifications in any historical piece. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's done. Yeah. Like, I think that that has to be true because it's like you see these, like even they did a show about Stevie Nicks and, you know, and they cast girls. With, you know, lip fillers and it just does not look right. Like you can tell. Yeah. And it's just, it takes you out of the whole era altogether. Yeah. Totally. Yeah. But it's all just to sell products. It is. Yeah. It's all to sell products. So like, if you want to be in this TV show or movie, whatever the fuck it is. What are you talking about? Like I'm saying you want to act. You're complaining. I'm doing a movie in July. Great. And I want to tell you this. I never read it. I don't know. I'm like, I don't know. My part is right. They just go, do you want to do this movie? I go, how much is it? And they tell me the number and I go, okay, I'll do it. You want to read it? No. Sure. No one's going to see it. Fair. Yeah. So that's what, that's where I'm at. This is not good promo. But also like, I'm sure it's great. I'm sure it's going to be great. The realization I came to with all of this is like, let's say the greatest movie or the wildest dreams. What's going to happen, right? Uh, okay. I'm doing really well. And then, uh, I, I get nominated for an Emmy and I went in Emmy and I'm standing on the stage and I go, Oh, thank you for Miami. Yeah. And then I go home and then there's a bunch of phone calls for all of these new products and shows. And now I'm going to have tons of money. Yeah. Oh, great. Everything's great. And I'm not going to see my kids as much cause I'm gone all the time. Yeah. I was going to tear apart my relationship with my wife. And absolutely. I get, you want to do me a list of all 40 different famous people that used to be happy just aren't because they're famous now. I'll tell you that. Why are you? It just took such a turn so quickly. It's like the driving through the Palisades story. God damn kid. Welcome to the real world. The real world dude. Takes a turn real quickly. All of a sudden you blow up. Right. So I'm, I'm, I'm, I, I try not to concentrate on how shitty it all is right now. Yeah. Like just jobs that come and go and me being that like mid range kind of like, I'm just in stuff. I want to be Nick Offerman, right? Yeah. Yeah. I don't need to be in the front. Yeah. I'm already the main character in my life. Yeah. I got a beautiful wife and two kids. I'm doing great. Yeah. I don't need to be the main character in your shitty thing that sells boner pills. Anyway, let's move on. Weird. Uncomfortable. Oh yeah. What, what, what, what, what? I didn't say anything. Get me out of it. Get me out of it. Get me out of it. She's talking about blowing up. Yeah, go ahead. Tell the story. Cause I really want Matt to weigh in. Um, so I had to field a very distressed phone call from his pool guy. Cause he's like, ah, I don't know what this is, but like, I've been coming here every single week. I'm doing everything I can, but like the pool is Brown. Black. Black. I was on that phone call. Yeah. Okay. Pool is Brown. There's something in here. And you know, he was like losing his mind being like, I don't know what I did. He thought he was. It was at fault. Yeah. Yeah. It was my fault. Only to find out that Bobby has picked up a new hobby of distressing t-shirts and he was pouring coffee into his pool. This beautiful pool. He wanted to stain the shirt. And I want to ask you guys if you think that that's out of touch or artistic. Um, I, I think it's just, I think it's just, uh, stupid. Eccentric. It's just stupid. No. Eccentric. Yeah. It's just like, that's a dumb thing to do. And then you learn from it. What gave you the idea to use the pool? You didn't have like a bucket or something or like a bathtub? Yeah. I have buckets now. Okay. He learned. I learned. See, that's the moral of this podcast. And there's always a story to be told. Yeah. Right. And the story and the moral of this podcast is you learn. Yeah. I make a mistake and you learn. Yeah. Yeah. - And guess what? The pool is clear now. okay do you ever go in it i do i went in there yesterday yeah you know i'm living in a um almost retirement age okay yeah i'm i'm headed toward like figuring things out so that i can get out i've been going to a lot of friends 50th birthday parties yeah and it is a weird deal yeah how old are you now i am uh almost 45 wow yeah yeah yeah and um it's weird yeah it's not weird no no it's just weird that like i'm watching i have a lot of friends have died recently i had a tag friend die yesterday yeah like uh all different reasons and you're just like i just can't give a shit anymore about what about what people think oh i thought you thought i used to be worried about what people think and i just yeah yeah yeah i'm at a point where i don't give a shit yeah yeah yeah and you know that when i saw some of the videos that were popping up with you right it was very interesting because perception wives wise i always thought that oh matt jones is killing it and and i had an envy almost about you you know what i mean and then i was like it was very interesting to see that other guy named kirk avadita give you though whatever um he was talking about asavito yeah he was also talking about how he has to move and this that and it became i started having real deep empathy for people that i um you know know and um that are great actors that i've always not envied but i was like good for them you know and it's like it's so interesting to watch something die you know you know it's so interesting to see this thing that i spent my whole life reaching for and desiring and working my because we've been through some fires sure yeah i mean we went through some pain and some fire to get here you mean and to for it to die is very very interesting you know and a kid like this you mean who who has the same desires as we did yeah how old are you now 25 yeah yeah 25 yeah and and it's like why are you smiling i don't know why are you laughing at it so when i was 25 so i booked my first episode of breaking bad when i was 25 oh great i'm already fucking behind 20 years no but at that point i had already been trying to work for eight years seven years because i started 18 i didn't go to college um because i'm not a rich kid uh no but like i'm saying like i so much has happened like that uh since then in that past 20 years like some people i was on the street the other day and a guy's like you know hey man you got any fucking meth or whatever and i'm with my my kids and my wife and oh because of the show yeah because they think i'm the same person i was 20 years ago all right right yeah that perception is gonna be with me forever yeah right yeah so i'm still kind of stuck in this 25 year old thing sometimes i get really angry about it because i'm like all the things have happened in 20 years i draw i'm walking down the street and people will yell out yell out oh hot dog yeah which is a sketch i did and made a video about it and i'm like oh yeah yeah and it it puts the chill down or they call you mrs swan you're like that wasn't even i know i buttoned that it too yeah how do you know that happens to me yeah because i can guess yeah you can get because because i by the way the uh the uh uh venn diagram of mad tv fans and breaking bad fans i mean it's really yeah a lot of like teenage hispanic boys yeah yeah it really is really yeah yeah which is a good thing it's a great thing it's a great thing yeah yeah and then it was interesting to see you talk about um the conventions oh yeah yeah yeah and um you know it's the conventions is what we call luke stay in tune i'm listening the conventions are basically us going on the road you know i mean it's like road dates and it's like i mean oh i gotta be in cleveland you know i mean to do something is pretty much and you you know actors do that to make some extra cash it's like personal appearance and your personal appearance person does that from your agency right the same person that does your comment that does probably the comedy bookings as well you know so it's interesting to see how that because even when i go on the road um you know i sold 5 000 tickets in toronto but my point is is that um you know but um but still um you know but um but still just let me get get it let me just get my laugh out anyway um the convention uh scene has died as well you've done them yeah uh what is it like well it was i haven't done a ton but what do you do you you sit there at a booth sit at a table yeah and uh there's a thing behind you and it says like matt jones and it maybe lists the shows i've been on yeah and people like i i mean it's it's just everything it's you have people that are 700 pounds or or like the hottest girl you've ever seen yeah like it's just all white walks of america america yeah and they walk by and they go oh oh you're in huh and then they keep walking and you see it all day long and i'm sitting next to people and they're like oh you're in huh and then they keep walking and you see it all day long and they're like oh you're in huh and then they keep walking and you see it all day long and you see it all that are oscar winner types all the time yeah and i and no one's doing well right anymore i mean there are so how do you make the money so they wait in line animation's doing well like uh if you're like the voice on one piece you're doing great yeah uh mckayla's doing great yeah um so they so they wait in line and they and how do you make the money okay so there'll be a thing that says like selfie and that's a price i don't know what people think about it i don't know what people prices are what's your price i i honestly don't know it changes per convention let me guess okay okay selfies how much i would five bucks no more it's like 30 bucks are you on your mind i take selfies every day i take selfies for free i take selfies for free always yes only if i'm at that table would i charge for it because everybody else between it being inside a building and outside a it and you're the people out of their money if you're doing it for free because you're lowering the entire thing so everyone's 30 oh uh 30 is the cheapest oh that's some people are like a hundred first how much would you charge bobby for an indoor selfie free no no if i'm at a convention yeah you have to set a price you have to go there be free i believe the bottom of whatever the bottom is yes if it's 30 dollars then probably 30 dollars so what it is it's like 30 bucks okay there you go this is like an animation selfie is 40 for aj lo cascio the voice of gambit from the 90s that's a selfie that's 40 dollars so autograph print 60 i've done i do that for free and then the combos autograph selfie 80 voice recording 70 premium item 80 wow well who's the cheapest in there oh here we go alpha alpha takahashi she charges 20 premium item wow so that's how they make their money yeah i have no i don't know anything about that world but have you considered doing like improv shows like you have this whole other skill set that like might be more fun than do improv shows where like you're saying that you only do three or four improv shows a year or something but maybe you could like do you ever consider doing stuff like that instead of like a convention thing that seems kind of okay you just don't make money that way people it's just not a thing um yeah yeah i mean here's the thing i could go i literally could i i've had off i could do stand-up right and that is a hard hard life it's really hard work how do you know because every because you're just gone all the time how many how many nights a week would you say he should go do sets how many nights do you do a week like i try to do every night yeah that's every single night yeah that's hard yeah any job where you're doing something every single night that's hard i put my kids to bed but it's um you know but it's um fun yeah absolutely okay absolutely but you're in a different situation what i would say to you is is that um i think it would be fun if you got a set together you said you have 10 yeah get 25 and then like you know if i do a theater date or something let's do it just come do it you know and then um and i think that you know um i can can i make some suggestions absolutely and you'll be open i'm listening because i feel i'll tell you to fuck off i feel like a defense system is going up because i didn't text you i didn't text you some stuff and then you didn't i know i know i know so it's like you know i feel like there's just some defenses going up and you're like fuck this guy i i'm trying to help you okay yeah yeah you mean i think that you're a talent you're my friend and i'm trying to fucking help you all right all right i don't want any defense okay that's all so um shut the fuck up i know so um um there's a couple things i want to say okay so number one is um why don't you do sketches yeah with your friend online yeah right and put them out yeah there's some sketches got people that don't never even heard of from the midwest that i follow and i love their sketches yeah there's a couple really funny accounts yeah so you know i mean you have that skill set have you watched cheese parade no they're good i'm obsessed with them yeah yeah so i'll look up cheese parade write that down for me um cheese parade and um that's number one i don't see you doing that yeah and i think that you can you know figure out you know it's cheap not a lot of money it's just the writing yeah and who you do it with yeah yeah and they don't have to be long yeah so that's one thing i know it feels like you're selling out and it feels like desperation no no no it just feels like a younger man's game it's not younger yeah that it just feels like that's what he should be doing no no there's there's these 70 and to be fair i've had i've been busy working on jobs for a while and now what's the problem no no no no but now i'm not and now i need to listen to shit like this okay and take this advice absolutely so i would number one do that okay and number two um you have improv skills and i could i will be fairly honest with you right now no i'll be completely honest yeah yeah not fairly um what i want to say is the thing is is that i there's some and uh what's it called bobby isms i'm trying to get rid of that yeah yeah yeah yeah um i hate doing that anyway anyways another one it's one of my transitions there's a lot of things that are glaring but let me i'm just going through my own little i was i was listening to myself in that podcast i did and i said um like 10 000 times i know i i remember um it's horrible yeah so i'm trying to get rid of it i'm trying to get rid of it i'm trying to get rid of it so the second thing is um you know how to add information um you you're good with the silence and um i think that you have the skill set to do it because when i watched you do that podcast the couple of podcasts i'm like oh this guy it's very interesting you know so and you can be funny on these it's tape recorded you're just having conversations with people tape i like sorry continue no what why'd you giggle at that i just i've never heard that even said tape recorded what what that's that's what a tape is i'm showing him oh i know what it is yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah tape recorded it's it digitally recorded you know i mean yeah through complex systems this is why i've why i bought my son a real telephone where he can actually do this i make him say hello hello and he's learning this instead of this because i'm afraid of tape recorded yeah yeah but he's gonna be doing this i don't care he's gonna learn analog first yeah but that doesn't exist it does it's like teaching your son to do this nope nope we're just like sword fighting i think people are like what's the point nope yeah yeah isn't it funny now we're in a place where you want him to be doing this like because kids aren't doing that anymore do you know that they're not are you jerking off yeah uh i try to jerk off as much as i can okay you do yeah it's just hard to find time you know i have a busy schedule jesus right what do you mean open mics or fucking business so the rest of the three i mean um 23 hours you have no time yeah i mean jerking off nowadays takes like you know five or six hours really what that's that's what everyone's doing you know oh they edge it yeah you gotta edge you have you don't have to do that you don't have to do it everybody jumps off a cliff yeah you don't have to you just jerk off in five minutes it's just edging is like that's all the rage yeah you know that's what everybody's into these days that's just you know but i think the health benefits palisades from actual yeah that's what you have to do what i understand that i'm sure because i i rarely masturbate and i that's great okay um because i have a girlfriend now congrats so um the other day i i had to you know the spirit you know you were moved by i was moved by something that's the devil that's the devil on your shoulder okay anyway i had the devil on my shoulder right and i'm like i'm gonna bang i'm gonna bang one out quickly you know what i mean it took me about two minutes wow yeah yes i think two to five minutes is probably the time yeah you can do it yeah how long does it take you yeah we're on there yeah yeah let's say five minutes maybe it's our age and our demographic i don't know yeah i think yeah generational i know how to get me off i know you do i know yeah i would do it through imagination uh no okay okay come on cave paintings yeah i wonder what cave like cavemen did yeah do you think they were like yeah yeah yeah and then a guy next to him made the boobs bigger and he's like oh my god yeah yeah yeah or you know those books that you could tell a story so you do a thousand of those right and you're just running yeah yeah you think that's bad though you think it's bad are you saying it's better that kids are not jerking off or that they are what was i i think they need to want to get out of the house and have sex yeah right right right i think that's a good thing there's a there's a male loneliness epidemic going on in their 20s yeah and it's all um i mean just go to scott galloway he can explain oh yeah i love scott i love scott galloway and also this whole thing of like the amount of 25 like young people thinking they need to be ceos and like uh entrepreneurs and stuff yeah disgusting yeah i hate it what happened to just dorks you know the dorks have been fucked yeah yeah the dorks have been because back in the day dorks got laid yeah if you look at photos of i don't want to start a fight with you because i i i don't want to start a fight with you because i have fights with my little squabbles with my girlfriend about it okay where i'm just telling her right that it's like in the 70s you can look at photos and you see a very attractive woman in a photo booth like a jc penny or a photo you know those photo booths like amelie yeah okay the amelie type photo booth yeah right do you understand yes yeah okay and then right and you'll see like an attractive woman with a dude that like could shoot up a school back you know yeah yeah like they were like not that attractive and they were like they had a good factory job they were nice to the woman you know and these factors no longer you know apply to modern dating and how you know that's all i'm saying i don't think that the onus is on the woman that you're see that's exactly what i knew you were gonna say why and that's why i pre-did a pre-warning yeah it's like hey ugly dudes get good then no no how can an ugly dude get good there's so many ways i dated an ugly dude for a very long time i wasn't talking about you they laughed they i i wasn't talking about yeah it was definitely mad i've had my i know you're mad i think no but i wasn't i wasn't even talking about you yeah yeah that's you and you're a different generation but no it's not it's not a different generation i truly think that's you i think that men really need to understand that if you make a woman feel safe if you're kind if you can actually offset the fact that at some point she's going to have children and um and have some difficulty with her body with her state of mind if you just get good i promise you we're available yeah it's like it's not it's that's not what i'm saying it's not i'll stop there in my ugliest times uh you know i'm i'm the best looking i've ever been right now for me i believe that thank you yeah but i was very ugly and i did quite well with women i believe that too long time yep and it was just because i had the confidence to talk to them and like not yeah but yeah but okay and usually pick up women who had only been dating hot guys and they're like i can't do that anymore because those guys are awful yeah there is see everything was vaguely lesbian yeah yeah so cute looks like the general manager at lowe's yeah yeah did you play um kim you play lacrosse or something i mean what that that is i don't know it's just 90s that shirt is cool what what kind of shirt is that my aunt worked in nordstrom oh you have good hair yeah that was my uh that was my one of my first headshots that's cool that's incredible this is the emergence of who you are that's when i i booked like 12 commercials in a year that's another thing it's gone what you what i know it's gone what year was that that would have been like 2003 yeah yeah like in the 90s oh my look you missed the days i know that's what everyone tells me all i hear is that i completely missed the boat people are still trying to do it do you do self-tape like i've never gone in person for an audition before oh yeah i only do self-tape yeah i i did uh gosh i i yeah i can't think of the last like in-person audition i had wow that's crazy yeah because people i always hear people tell stories about like horrible audition things yeah i'm always jealous of that though yeah that's real you've bombed though oh yeah oh yeah i had this one where the character's supposed to be autistic yeah and and it was like it was i love it it was in santa monica in one of those like production companies so it was like next step i'm at producers right the room is filled with people but it was in a room that you could hear outside of that room and in the hallway are like 10 guys we all vaguely look the same in in slightly different ways and uh i could hear the guy before me crush yeah he did fine okay it wasn't a it wasn't a comedy thing it was like slightly um it was a drama i didn't say what crush meaning you know it was a comedy thing he he was doing good yeah he was doing well okay i think think but how do you know what drama they're not applauding they're just quiet right yeah but you could hear him talk yeah you know i think make choice sounded really autistic he sounded fine right yeah so i was like hmm so i get in there and i go hey uh to the cast how autistic like how far oh you should really go for it just really go for it oh my god and it wasn't autistic like it was like i played like i don't think the better word i played it very retarded like very offensive yeah yeah but not but like dramatic like i was like leonardo caprio and what's eating gilbert yeah yeah yeah yeah like really going yeah better than that and i uh came out of the room and i'm talking and i was and they were quiet i come out of the room and i'm talking to a friend in the hallway and i just hear well that was offensive oh oh i went for it and i missed oh yeah my god and i don't think i saw that casting director much yeah did you ever did you ever like freeze or no no i know i am more comfortable on stage or in like a stressful situation like that than i am anywhere else wow you put me in front of 5 000 people i'm better there than i am one-on-one i used to freeze i never you never know okay no my wife actually asked me my wife's an actress very um accomplished in her own right she's like do you ever have that dream where you don't know your lines i was like i've never had that dream where i don't know more my lines or i don't feel prepared or i'm scared i've never had that dream as an actor so you've never been nervous the night before i've been nervous but like it's like i like i'm more just anxious i want to do it yeah i'm not like you know you know your body yeah and even if i don't i'm fine wow i'm getting to that point now too even if i don't know the lines i'll just yeah i'll get through it oh the kind of projects i do it doesn't even matter you know what i mean yeah he you you're saying you're not even reading the script no what i'll do now is i'll be in makeup and read it for the first time oh my god yeah i mean and i'll go oh no i don't think i can do this bobby i i've done that what do you mean what you've done yeah i've done the same thing yeah because we're similar in the way of our add is so strong yeah that it's you can only deal with the thing you're doing that day yes yeah yeah i can't deal with it three days yeah yeah five days out exactly it's i i crammed i i would get a's on tests but i'd never do my homework yeah so um i i strongly would watch a podcast and even i'll blow you for a guest spot that the funny thing that you said you know is a really good title i think it be fun to watch you talk to other actors about how it's changed and complain well because i love complaining and you know what it is is is the perception of like what you said like my perception of what somebody else is doing is always they're doing so great they're doing so great and you're like how much is their podcast making what the fuck why am i not doing that uh oh because i i don't have the confidence of that i that they had people would watch right or listen they're not in the beginning right and you just have to do it for a couple years and build your audience yeah yeah they're not gonna work it's not a lot of work it's once a week right for one hour yeah you only do this once a week yeah sometimes twice a week but this this week how many are we doing just this one just this one this week wow i'm doing one tonight with my other one and then the week's pretty much over i go to new york to promote something else but um saturday but my week's open right so my point is is um it's an easy job it's fun to do and then once you build an audience it's you know it's it's pretty much good i i don't know if i'm going to grow any higher than i've already grown right i think i'm pretty much at the level maybe do you find podcasts dipping in general yeah because so here's here's here's my complaint you want to hear my complaint all right it's the reason why i we andrew and i and we all do this is because hollywood was like no more yeah right so then i was like what do i do so i did this 10 12 how many how many years has tiger billy been around 11 11 years we've been doing this 11 years right and then all of a sudden you see hollywood stars doing it you know i mean guys that don't need to what do you need you're already in yeah yeah you did it already stay in your lane yeah stay in your lane you did it yeah you know you're in top series and killing it and then you're doing this side hustle for a while it felt like we were the podcasters were just like the outcasts of course or the underdogs it like felt that was the vibe in the beginning which is why but that was the vibe of uh someone watching them and listening to them i used to listen to a ton of podcasts yeah i there's a bunch of people that are friends of yours i used to listen to their podcasts and i don't anymore why because i'm sick of listening to them talk about watches and shit and how complain about how fucking rich they are yeah yeah it's like jesus christ guys do you remember who why we started listening to you yeah you went way far away from that yeah i'm very frugal okay cheap i'm cheap no i mean i i spend my money with my girlfriend like we'll go you want to go to a nice restaurant tonight great that i can afford yeah he's extremely generous yeah that um but it's like i don't like i know some like the watches you know i mean i know that a couple of these podcasts will compare like where'd you get that yeah oh this is a four hundred thousand dollars you know i mean i'm like what are you doing is that an investment though at that point i don't know yeah they think it's an art piece they think it's an art piece yeah art piece yeah yeah yeah fuck are we the metadichie oh yeah you like that's insane yeah or like look i'm telling dick jokes on stage put money away and get some interest yeah i got a titanium you know i mean putter for you know from from kakachushi and all that is a flex right it's a flex i understand the flex i get it i don't get it um this is fake gold right yeah i like it i like fake gold yeah but like i don't it loses me as an audience yeah yeah i get it when i'm driving in my car and i'm worried about paying for something i have a cousin uh or cousin-in-law who is um filipino who lives in winnipeg and they fucking love bobby right yeah a bunch of weird filipinos number one bobby lee love bobby lee right they like you starting a podcast because you're the weird guy from mad tv that worked right what's the weird guy you were the weird guy you were the straight man okay the guy that we put in a green room and he's like i don't know what you're talking about i don't know green screen suit to look like he's jacking off dragons that's bobby lee the straight man yeah you're right i did do that yeah yeah well um you know i feel like you know i love my fans and when i see the audience i it reminds me of who i am yes yeah and they're all like me yeah i mean they're just like you know particular you know and i and and i wish i love that i'm the pied piper of them you know and it's like you know you have an audience out there too i do and so i think that um and i will say i get very frustrated with myself that i don't you're gonna you're gonna you're gonna do it i'm gonna force you to do it because i i like there are guys out there that you and i know this bothers you where you're like really that guy's a bigger name than than me yeah you're like i everywhere you go in the world someone's gonna know who you are who me yes when you walk down the street someone's gonna recognize okay it just happens i get recognized every single day i know you do it just is how i am and guys that that never happens to are considered a bigger name than me i know and i don't it's so frustrating know how to make that money yeah well we're gonna teach you sure yeah yeah yeah yeah we're gonna teach you how to do it so you're producing my podcast i'm thinking about it okay yeah yeah yeah i'm literally thinking about it um i i want to give it a go i'll give you all the money you want no no no no we'll do a fair deal but anyway um i just i want to do a down note you know i mean um you plug anything by the way no okay that was a down there yeah what check out his instagram yeah follow follow his instagram you're about to have 100k yeah it keeps uh the bots keep going in and out of 100k you know yeah i did that one big cleanup yeah yeah yeah so get into get into mad here and then um i just download rest in peace all of our tree um yesterday was the roughest i'm sorry what no it was the roughest day yesterday yeah i was supposed to do a bunch of shit i canceled everything and um i don't know i um i'm still processing it but um i love you and uh i miss you and what a talent and what an oddball and i think that's the thing that i relate to most about him is um him and i were the same kind of people you know um but anyway it's a comedy podcast and um it was a rough day yesterday and rest in peace brother give matt jones a round of applause you