Matan Interviews a Black Santa...

hello everybody welcome back to the podcast for today's guest we have white santa please welcome in hello thanks for coming hi we also have black santa welcome in thanks for coming nice to see you how are you hey you've been born you look great yeah you look fantastic thanks for coming nice meeting you we have uh an elf please welcome in an elf slave and please welcome in viral flooring my manager as today's co-host welcome environment all right will this mic reach yeah you guys can pull that close to you make sure to talk into the mic okay it's attached to the table so yeah you can pull the table if it helps to lean in a little bit can we uh push the table a little bit closer to us here there we go there we are awesome if you guys could just pull the mic close to you and then introduce yourself to anybody who might not know you and all that one okay uh hi i'm santa claus merry christmas hello i'm santa claus merry christmas and so what do you guys think about the guy next to you is this like a rivalry thing i know that you guys probably don't cut into each other's business but still um we are we're family yeah you know and uh we always make sure that if we're in a particular place unless we're actually invited to be together we usually do our own thing it's not like matter and anti-matter where if we touch we'll both vanish or anything right we're both on the same team we both want the same thing absolutely we just help each other out absolutely perfect i know and there are times when you know if one of us can't be someplace if the other one is available then we reach out to each other and say hey can you help me well i'll be completely honest if i hired you and he showed up i would be a little confused in the same same way the other the other way around oh yeah sure if i hired him and you showed up i'd be like holy we're getting robbed well that's not fair well i'm just listen i've been it's going to dress up like santa claus to come and rob you i've been a little bit well that would be a perfect way to trick me i've been a little he's got the sack i'm trying to be nice i'm trying to be nicer i know maybe i might not be on the nice list this year although i was extremely nice to the guests last week how were you i was extremely nice well i can i can guarantee you that uh you are on the nice list i am but you are in pencil so you know if we can go any we can go either way i see yeah it's like it's like this it's like naughty and nice yeah and everyone i say but i'm only in pencil so it can be erased and put on the naughty list put in pen and put it in and permanently on the nice list but naughty and nice is a spectrum that's very true exactly and did that racist joke move me closer to being in the pen version or being erased we're going to stay in pencil for now okay but think about it like this we'll see how the rest of the show goes although although it was a racist joke even if it offended african-american people but then all the white people found it funny that would still be a more amount of people total so i'm still uh if it's not fun for everybody it's not fun that's impossible you can't please everybody yeah but you can try you make the effort not to do so you just got to do your best okay fine and that's really what gets you on the nice list anyway it's just doing your best yeah you're not you're not asked you know we're not asking you to be perfect uh and just so you know uh as far as the nice list in an audience is concerned mrs claus is actually in charge of that oh she writes down the name she she looks to the magic telescope looks all over the world to see who is on the nice list who is being so she just did she see me make that racist joke right now or no i'm afraid so i don't want to do this no more mike mike what's the matter mike mike what's going on mike mike uh-oh did you have too many cookies by the way i think if you guys want to help yourself through some cookies i got of course you saw it and i got you sorry i don't want you to eat in the pelt i like you you don't want to eat in the pelt clean yeah you will exactly just feel free to help yourself i'm sure my manager will enjoy himself to some regard that's all right that's very cool well you can also have some milk if you prefer that oh no not this early we got your chocolate milk i just like the icicle juice uh there we go icicle juice and is the best you can't get a whole lot they don't carry the gelson's oh no no you got to make your own exactly exactly does santa claus have a secret twitter account where he perpetuates right-wing conspiracy theories uh i'm gonna i know you don't but you might absolutely not what about a facebook account uh well he does like schizophrenic posting he records like weird shit in his room and says people are coming to get him uh not to that extent no no no no no no no we do reach out you know we do have like some some uh instagram accounts and just places where people can come and see where santa's going to be and are you filming random people in the street claiming that they're working for the government trying to eat you uh no not really no but those videos will go way more viral especially if you're dressed as santa claus you know i i think i think we're viral enough i think so i mean that's a good point i mean get to every every house on earth just about no trouble at all yeah and at this point since we've been around for uh one thousand seven hundred fifty six years um i think we're pretty popular and we're pretty popular and we're pretty popular we're pretty popular we're pretty we're pretty well known so we don't necessarily need to do yeah you know viral videos i think it's nice to go viral though sure yeah oh yeah yeah i just did a halloween one that was actually pretty good oh yeah yeah cool okay fine that makes sense but i've added the candy cane lightsaber that way that's right yes that is very cool i really enjoy that is the conception that digging straight down will eventually take you to china implying that china is actually the underworld well if you dug straight down yeah oh all the way through the center of the earth you'd end up in like the indian ocean so well but the conception is that you'll end up in china like when i was a little kid other little kids would tell me and then similar to the right wing conspiracy theories i would perpetuate that narrative to other kids if you dig straight down through the earth you'll end up in china which kind of implies that china is the underworld well realistically speaking if you dig straight down into the earth you're going to get to the molten core and you'll die long before you but that won't be straight down that'll well it would be straight down but that'll be in the middle sure once you go through all the way through it well let's say let's say for some somehow you could there's a huge advancement in technology okay okay you see what i mean you could just get a ticket and go to china that's true yeah airplane would work it's right they have three well i'm not saying you can't go there i'm just asking does that imply that china is the underworld no it just implies that china is on the opposite if you take a voodoo doll there and throw it in the lava maybe the wall of flesh will appear well that's okay you're asking to believe in a lot of mythologies at once here you're asking to believe in a lot of mythologies at once here voodoo dolls underworlds well that's one mythology and you guys are standing so you're already asking me to believe in one mythology too so i'm just asking to make a trade here make something clear i am not asking you to believe in me i'd be happy if you didn't believe in me at all okay well i would be proving wrong is impossible it's all impossible flying around the world come down your chimney none of it is possible that's by design yes make it impossible so that you won't believe it because if adults believed in santa claus we'd have to bring them all presents and that would be overtaxed that'd be a lot of work i mean mike mike is tired now so every time a kid says i don't believe in you i say that's okay i'll take you off the list it makes it easier for you guys it's fine it's fine you do what you want but now also you got to remember too that adults were kids at one point in time they were you know at some point in time so there are adults who a little bit of them still believe you know believe in the magic yeah of what we do and who we are and are we talking about adults with severe disabilities so no i'd say severe abilities your abilities various of your abilities the ability of wonder and the ability to to be able to go out and go to work every day pay their bills take care of their families well those adults probably don't listen i love santa claus i like the idea the adults that pay their bills and stuff probably don't believe in him i would say the ones with the super abilities who do probably uh possess the super ability to not be able to formulate a sentence well most people are fun too they're extremely fun especially to play basketball that's not the bet you get the best hugs oh yeah very much so very very much so i want to name some celebrities here and then i want you to tell me if you think they're on the naughty or the nice list and we can get two different perspectives on it okay okay we don't really track adults usually so yeah decide okay fine just deciding the moment but that's better actually it'll be an honest reaction yeah do you want do you want us to confer before we answer the question whatever works best for you guys all right if there's some disagreement logan paul he's been kind of not great i'd say naughty i'd have to yeah i'd have to agree with you too i agree with that as well yeah very naughty very extremely naughty he's got he didn't do anything bad this year well he's been dead for 100 years or whatever okay so now are we are we talking about people who actually are still alive i for for logan paul for a little bit longer and for here i didn't hear anything what have you heard well what i hear might just be stuff that only i know of it could be my plan you're one of those adults that actually live in their own heads and come up with their own i'm implying i make in which case i wouldn't hear anything i would just go do it okay you probably wouldn't want to have that recorded for posterity i love logan paul what i was saying that was bleeped out is that i love logan paul and i'm coming to give him gifts in puerto rico all right let's move on from here and logan all right never he's done joe rogan you know what i don't know i mean this is we're in the air now right exactly exactly rogan so i wouldn't say that joe rogan really okay what about you i'm not as bad as everyone says he is i was a tremendous fan of joe rogan when he was doing comedy and stand-up news radio yeah it's all hilarious but i i never really got into his his uh his podcast stuff so i'm not really a good judge on his current you have to give him an audio the nice list all right in that case i'll i'll go with the nice list yeah sure nice list for joe sure yeah sure joe and if that gets us on his show that's fine too yeah i'm available exactly i'm sure joe is watching this thinking man i'm sure he's a fan yeah i'd be sure of that okay let's move on jerry seinfeld oh boy yeah i think he's nice i think so too nice nice for jerry jerry gets in trouble once in a while for saying a slightly fun pc thing okay that's okay benjamin netanyahu oh i'm gonna now we're getting into the political areas here pretty naughty so he's going naughty well i think doing yeah it's pretty naughty yeah so he's on a naughty list yeah okay i agree steinie sorry steinie i don't know that i've seen my family in 30 years you know you never call you never write you need you know you can pick up the phone it's all right you guys aren't familiar with steinie style who's that i don't know i don't know steinie he's the little dude from the nalch boys i had him on my show a couple times i'm not i don't know who that is okay we'll put him on the naughty list adult boys yeah something like that i've never heard of it's the man of speech exactly yeah donald trump naughty naughty naughty naughty okay naughty tom cruise nice he can he can be nice he yeah i think at this point right now he's on the nice list the nice list yes yeah he's a real go-getter and finally santa claus nice absolutely nice we're not on the list though you don't get dressed no we don't we don't need presents we're okay i see and does black santa carry around a glock um not this year no but you have before i'm just no no no i i never i never carry weapons i don't need to you probably should nah i have no i'm just assuming that you guys like divide what neighborhood you go to no we we have a much easier job no firearms no guns no we have no need for them no need no need are you is it because your guys are invincible well here's the thing i've been around for like 1700 years that would imply yeah well i've been invincible but sort of right yeah very much theory of that is that when you do something nice when you're generous when you give a gift it makes you feel good and it actually makes you a little bit healthier it's good for you since you give out a billion presents a year you could kind of live forever that's an interesting point what if i well i know that stealing doesn't technically take away life force from you so what if i steal a bunch of things and then give them out uh like a robinhood type of thing like a robinhood like from the robinhood but really with the interest of helping myself like i'm not stealing from the rich and giving to the poor i'm just stealing from people and giving it to other people with the hope of tricking this system that you guys have said exists i don't know it feels like a like a zero-sum game there so this isn't is this an arbitrary system that just works off the rule that giving a gift makes you live longer or is the context considered we don't steal the gifts we make them well that's what i'm saying is context considered here or can i just steal them and give them no you can't no you can't because because steal that by stealing you automatically are being naughty naughty yeah but that doesn't necessarily take life force away from you well you know it kind of can't make me look at look at think about stealing as being uh creating a negative energy and negative energy will will wear against you like if you're sick and you steal penicillin that'll make you healthier but then you're still stealing but there's the penicillin that's making you healthier not the steel right but you'll still get healthier penicillin actually works better than just not stealing penicillin to for for certain things that's true yeah so what's the suggestion to buy penicillin well unless if you need it yes what if i'm pretending i'm free we should have national health care i would think so yes yeah we actually had that at the north pole that's right all of our all of our you guys have a bunch of slaves at the north polar you look at this guy he looks miserable yeah he's um he's gotta talk to hr he's got a little bit of a thing can he talk to can talk to you you guys don't seem to be helping him mike mike you want to take the rest of the day off and just relax i'm just gonna take the rest of the day off it looks like he's you're polluting that whole jug you may want to actually just go ahead and pour that into a glass probably make a little easier for you they invested in milk and cookies and milk cups sir well because i brought them for you guys too but you guys didn't want any well that's all right that was a nice gift it was a very nice gesture very appreciated yeah if you have like a glass cup i got you guys your own glasses think about that there's three milks there but we don't need the chunk of lucky no no you don't have to drink the whole thing you can drink the whole thing how much power do you have in rise of kingdoms i don't know what that is is that okay something like that i don't know you tell me you played it i have 80 million 80 million power don't pick egypt that's a it seems pretty good it's pretty good so what is the maximum that you can have by way of i don't actually know i i just know that apparently if i have a bunch of power and rise of kingdoms and i go on an airplane and there's like eight million people and i'm like an airplane crash or something i'll survive but everybody else will die in the game in real life if i have a lot of power in the game no i don't think that's true yeah it does and apparently it also translates to picking up something to say about that yes yeah i think you're i'd be careful i'd buckle up but what's more powerful the law of of rise of kingdoms or the law of physics the law of physics you guys don't even know what rise of kingdoms is and you seem pretty confident saying that yeah physics trumps uh your video game i think it's not my game okay okay all right all right let's move on all right well we can agree to disagree if you wish we can agree to agree too says the right thing yeah the rise of kingdoms is more powerful disagree hey guys sorry for the interruption i have to let you know that today's episode is sponsored by sheath did you know sheath was started by former iraq soldier robert patton who is also the man who killed osama bin laden that's a true historical fact robert patton the founder and owner of sheath is also the same man who killed osama bin laden and this is the exact pair of underwear he was wearing when he made sheath in iraq and came up with the idea to make them out of bamboo i've been wearing sheath a lot recently and one of the best things is how good the durability is they're so confident that there's a two-year warranty for every pair did you know the owner of sheath and the founder robert patton is the exact same man who killed osama bin laden in iraq he was a former soldier who was deployed there to create sheath and kill osama bin laden with bamboo materials if you're looking to take doing bathroom in your own pants to the next level then sheath is perfect for you if you're looking to take doing bathroom in your own pants to the next level founded by robert patton owner of do bathroom in your own pants sheath.com use my code matan m-a-t-a-n to get 20 off at sheath.com spelled s-h-e-a-t-h dot c-o-m use my code matan to get 20 off spelled m-a-t-a-n thank you to robert patton the man who founded underwear shit in your pants.com bin laden thank you to sheath for sponsoring today's episode why did santa charge me five hundred dollars for this interview i thought he was supposed to give me a gift well well you know we are in our prime season we we that's true we're taking away from the north pole being there doing uh doing quality so being right here means that like a couple million people won't get gifts not at all no no no they're called strong making all the presents well except for mike mike of course he's he's he's here looking very sad and i'm really sorry you bring him here as a visual for all the other elves at the north pole like don't fuck with me look at how happy this guy is we didn't know he was gonna be here you brought him you brought him to like the real world i've seen him in the real world i've seen him in the real world i've seen of the north pole to threaten everyone the other dudes our our elves when you were talking about slavery our elves do have the freedom to take time off and visit and do whatever they wish to do i highly doubt that that's not what i've heard they're scandinavian have a very strong union and very you know very very much self-care system absolutely yeah and that's just really is that where the north pole is in scandinavia it's actually like sweden it's just close to there okay so a lot of the traditions kind of come from the northern countries you know i see there's no land at the north pole you know it's just ice really if you dig a hole in the ground the north pole you get to the ocean really yeah that's why global warming is a big deal because it's very awesome yes you seem like an extreme liberal santa this is free health care global warming listen i could get behind the free health care global warming yes yes the global warming thing i don't know if i can get behind that what you don't think it's global i don't really care because i'll be dead before it turns into a really big problem it's a really big problem now very much when i mean a really big problem i mean like uninhabitable well uninhabitable and you'll be way dead before well maybe not you santa claus yeah we'll be around you the actor will be dead way before global warming turns into a big big big problem well maybe but i still want future generations to benefit from our good stewardship of the planet i don't care you know we should do our best your children your children if any that you know of that's not my concern well you know you pat treading water at the coast you know well now if if you if you if you become a dad would you not want to have your kids have a good life you gotta let me out i'm gonna myself is it true that jewish people don't celebrate christmas because santa gave them all coal no that is not true at all that makes a lot more sense to me why don't they celebrate the happiest time of year well some of them do yeah christmas yeah no they don't jewish people celebrate christmas well they don't go to church but they'll they give each other presents and have christmas trees some some i don't think that's true at all they created their own similar holiday to avoid celebrating christmas No, I think Hanukkah predates a modern Christmas. Does the gift part, though? I don't know, actually. Maybe. I don't know. As far as the plethora of gifts that people give out to each other, that's more of a modern thing. Yeah, see? Because, you know, early on in our times, the things that were given to people were things that people needed. Like coal back then. Yeah, well, people say that coal is a really bad thing to get for Christmas. But when you think about it, back in those days, if you had coal, you could heat your home. You'd think a Santa against global warming would stop giving people a bunch of coal. Well, he has. Yeah, we no longer do that. No, it's only a metaphor now. So what do you give bad guys and Jewish people? Well, nothing. Oh, nothing. Well, for bad guys, I will occasionally give them old receipts from. Seamless. CVS. From CVS and, you know, and. That's a horrible idea. What, so they can do fraud at CVS? Oh, no, not at all. I mean, they're useless receipts. If I needed money and I was a bad guy and somebody gave me a bunch of old receipts, I'd go to CVS right now and start telling them that the shit didn't work. I'd start getting my money back. Yeah, but they'd check. That's a hard way to serve the Lord. That's a lot of work. Yeah. Serve the Lord. We're talking about bad guys and Jewish people. And check the date. We're not talking about Jewish people. We're just talking about bad guys. Yeah. It's like a merger happening. No, no. Hey. No, no. You guys are Santa Claus. You're supposed to agree with me on this one. I get why he doesn't like the black racist Santa things, though. I don't like the black racist Santa things either. No, you're just pretending you don't because he's in your presence. You're scared he's going to knock your fucking teeth out. We go way back. Yeah. Quite a few centuries. You guys are homies? Oh, yeah. Good to know. How often do little kids shit their pants while sitting on your lap? I can't think of one time. No, I can't either. No, no. I actually had a pet day. Yeah? Where somebody's little doggy got a little too excited about being with Santa. He tripled on you a little bit. He shit on you? No, but my pants were a little wetter. So, thankfully, I actually carried an extra pair of pants. The dog was on the naughty dog. No, no, no, no. Dogs feed dogs, you know. Dogs are good dogs. Dogs should know better, you know what I mean? A puppy, you know. But was it a puppy? He didn't specify. It was a puppy, as a matter of fact, yes. It was? So, it was a new puppy that the family got, and they wanted to get a picture. And I'm like, I had no problem with that. But, you know, puppies get excited. Did they pay for the cleaning service at least? Yes, they did. Oh, really? Mm-hmm. Okay, so they're not on the nice list or the naughty list. It's yet to be seen. They made up for that issue, though. Well, they came to see Santa Claus. That's nice. Yeah, that's a very nice thing. That's not nice at all. I always like getting visitors. That's completely self-serving to come see Santa Claus. No, it's fun. Mm-mm. It's fun, but that doesn't mean it's good. It's not nice. You've got to make a distinction between nice and good. The default state of all kids is nice. We're talking about a dog that shit on him. Okay. We don't really bring presents to dogs, and I think he tinkled on him. Mm-hmm. It was just a little bit of a tinkle. Accidentally. Yeah, and it was not planned at all. It wasn't, the dog was not kind of thinking, I'm going to go ahead and, you know, make Santa's pants wet. So, you don't, that wasn't the plan. I was going to say, maybe, again. You guys don't really need to go viral, as you pointed out earlier, although you may not get as many jobs, but you would go viral if you had ripped the dog apart. Well, then, I really, we wouldn't really have been Santa, then. I mean, that's not something that Santa would ever do. I never heard anything about Santa not being allowed to rip dogs apart on their stomach. Okay, can I just, I'd like to just, for the record. Mm-hmm. Yeah. We don't do that. Well, now you made that clear. No animals get ripped in half. No, none. What about an animal that's evil that's eating a bunch of other animals and children? Animals and children. Well, are you talking like a, like a, like a. Somebody's got to go. Kaiju situation? Yeah, so if it was like Godzilla. Yeah, Godzilla or Rodan, you know, you. I'm just talking about one of your pit bulls, probably, or something. I don't have any pit bulls. I know you do. We got reindeer. I know you have pit bulls. No, uh-uh. Because I kind of always imagined you flying around with a bunch of pit bulls instead of reindeer. They go, ah, ah, ah, and they're trying to eat each other while they're flying around. I don't know. I'd like to see that fan art. That would be very interesting to, yeah. I'm sure that's already been made by, by somebody on Twitter. You know what I mean? This guy's having a great time. Look how happy he is. He's all happy now. You feeling better now, Mike Mike? And this red jacket guy, race car man. Mm-hmm. That's my manager, Vara Flooring. Your manager? He kind of looks like Santa Claus. Interesting hat. He's growing into it. Yeah. Italian Santa Claus. Does Santa believe we should kill Santa Claus? Do you believe in atheists? What? Absolutely not. But they're not believers. What's that? They're not believers. Well, atheists don't believe in, in organized religion. They don't necessarily not believe in Santa Claus. You guys, well, I'm sure you guys believe in organized religion. I'm sure you guys are a Christian, right? Or Catholic, something like that. Oh, well, you know. Yeah. I'm actually one who is somebody who loves everybody. Yeah. I really have zero. What the hell does that mean, Santa? I'm a universalist. Yeah, universalist. That's, that's, that's definitely the word. It means, listen, even if you're Jewish, and if you don't believe in it, you can still hire me to be Santa Claus is what that means. Well, you know, you come and visit us, visit me, you know. But religion-wise, universalism, I don't think that's a thing. Oh, it is. You all right? Your boy's okay? You're making a mess over there. You okay? This is what people tune in for, is this. Yeah. Okay. It's the star of the shows. You feeling better? No? I'm sorry to hear that. Are you guys like yin and yang, good and evil? No, we're yin and yang. Yin and yang. Or yang and yang, either one. Yin and yang. Good and evil? No, good and good. Yeah. It's yin and yang if they're both good. Now, I would say Santa and Krampus would be yin and yang. That's more of a counterpart situation. Yeah. Grinch, he's on more. Santa and the Grinch? Yeah. That would be a real good and evil sort of switch right there. But then the Grinch kind of just. Oh, but no, not really, no, because the Grinch gets better. I mean, the Grinch, his heart grows three sizes larger. Like Naughty and Nice, it's a spectrum. Or it could be like yin and yang and the Grinch. Well, you see, the Grinch is copyrighted, so we don't really. Oh, I see. break that up too much. For now. Yeah, well, yeah, for now, yeah. Who owns the Grinch? We've got a few more years to go. For now. Who owns the Grinch? Dr. Seuss. Oh, I see. Universal Studios. Is he the one who created the Grinch? What? He created the Grinch? That's correct. Yeah, Dr. Seuss, theater guy. So he's only been around for like probably less than 100 years. Yes, from the 1950s. 19, I think it was like 60. No, the cartoon came out in 67. So that's about right. So about 64, 65. Yeah. Yeah. Okay, I see. So you guys are waiting for the copyright to end, and then you're going to have. But it's a gravy train, baby. Well, nobody's going to sue a random guy dressing up as the Grinch on like Gig Salad, you know what I mean? Well. I'm sure you'll be fine. I'm not. Why would I do that? You could have somebody do it with you, and then you could. Well, there are. There are Grinches. Beat the shit out of him. There are Grinches. No, we don't do that. That would be extremely cruel. You should get a Grinch to come in next week and talk to this cat, you know? He kind of looks like the Grinch. I know the color would actually match up, and they'd probably get along pretty well. Yeah. You could all tie it. Hey, guys! Sorry for the interruption. This episode is brought to you by PrizePix. Did you know everybody is pulling up to PrizePix because the football season is heating up? If you win just your first $5 lineup, you'll get $150 for free in lineups on PrizePix. Did you know PrizePix also invented. 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No, that's bad. No, no, no. But I thought you said Mrs. Claus has a magic telescope, and she can see what's happening at all times. That's very true. We can, but we don't utilize that information. I mean, we actually have agreements with various companies not to do certain things. Not to do what? Well, like, we don't build cars, for example. Why? Well, because we could build a car that would never need to run on a whole lot of gasoline, would have tires that would run. Yeah, that would be great for liberal Santa's global warming argument. It would be. Yeah, but the thing is, is that if we do. You have a. It's what. What you're telling me sounds like you're paid off by big corporations, and you're perpetuating global warming, Black Santa. Absolutely not. But the thing is, is that what we are doing is. I told you, yin and yang, good and evil. We are doing. Free healthcare and. What? You know that's not what I was implying. But continue what you were saying. Sorry about that. What we do is we have agreements so we don't infringe upon the growth of human spirit and human ingenuity. Right. But that would be great for the human species as a whole, though, if there was. If there was no more gas cars and every car was just running on pure magic. Then what else would we have to do? What else would we have desire to do because we just sit back and go. Yeah, desire. Okay, well, Santa will take care of it. Why do we need to bother educating people? ourselves more or growing more that's a good point i was just arguing sort of not contrarian like but in his in his argument about the gas thing and about global technology is indistinguishable from magic significantly you know appropriate like like these these cameras that have video on the back you can transfer all over the world be heard that's magical that's magical absolutely magical but there are people who know the techno technological aspects and how it works and so it doesn't seem as magic anymore yeah so so the stuff we could do like fly around and i think but think about it like this and all that that's our technology if all the people who believe in global warming are right and it is as big of a deal as they say no it is you have to believe it it's just true you don't have to believe it it's just the people who talk about it i don't like them so it's hard for me to believe those fucking me too movement people whatever they're called so it's okay to limit that's not what i said i i'm just saying you know what okay come on now i didn't say that okay i said those people who knows if they're really what happened i don't know the story i wasn't there we can ask mrs claus but she doesn't want to get involved and then all these there's these weird cases where we don't know if somebody's lying it seems like you guys have the power to help people more though so than you should but the point i was going to make okay was about there yeah i was yeah you interrupted me with that me too thing i thought i could just slip that through i know i wanted to just slip it through there well you know there's there's a lot to be said about the whole seeing you where you're sleeping seeing when you're in your wake yeah yeah but the point i was going to make is if these people are right about global warming and we can get rid of global warming it will no longer be an issue and the result is that like 20 arab guys will no longer be worth 100 trillion dollars i think it's probably a good trade-off that'd be great yeah well okay well yeah all right i think you should start delivering on on those cars then okay we'll take it under advisement that's a great idea thank you you're welcome that's helpful they'll bring it up at the next meeting yeah we'll talk to the elf since we could like leak out it could be used there's a thing though if we come up if we leak out some really good new technology and then it could be for good or could be for evil it could be took over by somebody who then they get rich on it and screws everybody else you know we gotta we gotta take the risk sometimes you gotta be careful with that stuff but you could use that magic telescope to make sure it doesn't get in the wrong hands okay we'll see what we can do alternatively we'll give it a shot i look forward to considering your screenplay about this that sounds like a lot of fun screenplay you could also just find whoever would take advantage of this and considering how fast you can travel around you're basically the flash you could just kill them yeah but then there's a thing in the end and we don't kill have you guys ever killed anybody no again that seems a bit selfish it seems a bit selfish considering your powers to not kill anybody like we were talking about earlier yeah you've been around for 1700 years what was happening then you guys were just sitting by watching delivering presents yeah yeah we unfortunately there there are there are areas that have been over time areas where we could not get to for a lot of different are you going to agree with that he's limiting your powers if you agree with that canonical answer stuff that's within your purview and stuff that isn't so you're saying he's saying that canonically he can't get to germany in the 1940s and you're saying it's just not within your grasp that's not that's not your job yeah we're not cops okay we're not the enforcers of good around the world well bring we make toys there were enforcers that we bring to children there were enforcers now parents do use the threat of santa claus and the carrot and stick of presence or no presence right which is really kind of unfortunate children that's a naughty thing to do very fair well i mean it is it isn't necessarily naughty but it's not really fair because in fact you get a lot of selfish kids based on that whole system who are just trying to be nice just to get the presence that's better than being not nice and the thing about the secret i don't care about intention i only care about being nice is it's nice to be nice and feel it and you know being good is good enough there's a bit there is definitely a benefit to being but what if you're like me some sort of crazy person who genuinely doesn't feel anything good by being nice to people you got to keep trying there's no trying i don't have any desire to try again it's not like i feel like i'm failing well you're misunderstanding the original problem to begin with okay well you as in in the short time that we've actually been speaking i mean although i've i've been saying a lot of things i've been saying a lot of things seeing you growing up over the years um i still feel very strongly that within you that i'm on the nicest and within you was good yeah it's in there so that actually brings up another question how many if i'm good enough and i give people enough gifts it's sort of like a scale here it's like uh it's like the honor chart in red dead redemption 2 familiar yeah you know what i mean yes it's like how many good things can i do and and depending on how many i do how many racist things can i say and how many racist jokes does that buy me well you're gonna you're gonna go farther towards the white hat by not saying the racist things at all i know but i really just care to be a little over the line like if i give a homeless guy two bucks how many racist jokes does that buy me or just racist things to say two bucks maybe two jokes well you see that you're trying to you're defeating yourself by by look by working towards being able to be naughty you're trying to buy an indulgence again i i'm more an action guy instead of intentional okay i don't know if that's how it works in the north you know more more positive intentions will create more positive action so you're saying that giving a homeless guy two dollars with bad intentions is good but giving them two dollars with good intentions is even better well i wouldn't say that giving him giving it for bad intentions is good at all i would say giving just to give is where the gift lies yeah you're not gonna you're not gonna get around this one i'm afraid you've got to work it's not gonna go you're not gonna get around this one you've got to work with me here though because if there's not a way that i can do like small good deeds and buy myself some racist things i'm well why do you have to be racist why is that so important why why do i have years i don't i couldn't tell you i was just born this way what can i do does it make you happy to be so right i'm not racist at all are you accusing me of being racist you were just talking about how much you love saying racist things i hate racist people they disgust me okay but by saying racist things doesn't that make you racist i don't say racist things okay okay all right okay all right i'm seeing a circular conversation going on here all of a sudden i'm extremely offended that you would claim i say racist things you just said this is what i meant about the me too movement where's the evidence well does black santa carry a glock it's a good question bro just listen i'm trying to keep you safe man and i appreciate that thank you i really do by the same token the the energy of this conversation was comedically and i'll i'll give you that it was comedically but it was still racist no it wasn't premise is racist the premise the premise was i want to help santa claus stay safe good guy right here all right i'm anti-racist okay good do you ever get fed up with all the kids asking you for what's the toy let's come back to some toy right yeah or or i want lol to come back right yeah or i want lol dolls right or i want to i want a puppy or i want roblox i want i want my father to come back it's like oh man sorry buddy get out of here next dude you'll get a little frisbee you have to be careful with those yeah i mean there there are there are in in very serious situations where little kids have asked for dad to come home or grandma to get better yeah or or grandpa and then you go i can't help you there oh no not at all not at all but we do take i'm not the lord i'm santa claus you want a little ball and throw it right at his head bang you got now you don't have a father and you have a big hematoma on your head no no no you try to tell him and keep a good thought and we'll do our best because you can never promise any toy no you cannot say can i get a thing and even though the parents are like you can't you can't promise it because it's got to be a surprise but let's say they ask for somebody in their family to come back would you not promise would you leave it like open-ended no you basically say hey hey no throwing cookies you just want a cookie you just throw cookies that's a waste of a good cookie right that's the boys boys do we back does that put him on the naughty list that's that's kind of naughty just let's let's be careful with these chocolate cookies okay wow no no no no cookie but you guys leave it open-ended or or how does that work no what you have to do is you have to tell someone but you want to do a little role play okay you want to just pretend as long as it doesn't get weird or sexual sure but just i don't know i i don't know what i say unless you ask me the question okay let's pretend that you're i mean like the child here a child okay the impossible request okay okay okay what's your hi what can i get you for christmas my father died in the iraq war i was hoping you could bring him back oh my that's not what i was hoping you could bring him back oh my that's terrible he was taken as a prisoner and then he was killed by a u.s drone strike really yeah that's terrible i know it's heartbreaking that's hard well that must be terrible yeah but you think about him all the time but can you bring him back that's the thing i'm really a toy maker i what we deal with north poles we make toys we bring presents can i get a play station then but we can't what's that can i get a playstation at least well that's closer that's more within the realm of possibility but i tell you what we can't you won't you'll give me a little thing to play video games on but you won't bring my father back well we can make toys we don't have power over life and death you just said you have magic i thought you're the magic man well i am but you know so you can do it you just don't want it for me no you just want to keep it away from me that is not that is not the case at all child i'm a strange child i'm 19 years old yeah you've come to see santa claus at age 19 i'm crazy my my father died in the iraq war and i'm coming to see santa you don't have to tell me i'm crazy you think that's gonna help me to point out that i'm insane and your father's in the iraq war he must have been like 50 right i don't know i don't think about these things i'm insane story checks out i don't think so either we're not really this kid has fallen with us hmm you know what it seems like you're taking a way to cop out of answering this by saying that i'm a liar well i think you're trying to just double down and make up an impossible situation just to try to an impossible situation you think that there's people whose family didn't die in the iraq war while while they were and they're 19 now that's probably the prime age for that type of thing well the people of the iraq which one is the iraq war iraq war was the uh uh so bush so bush one that was like 90 no bush two the 90s you on maybe i don't know man all right whatever well a different war that happened like we can't but the long story short we can't you say this as sweetly as you can to the fire okay santa can i tell you a secret then if you don't bring my family back i'm gonna okay okay did you get that fbi you should be watching this guy all right so now you're gonna report this clearly demented child to the to the fbi yes of course the fbi is kind of useless now so well we may have to wait until after the midterms you know what the fbi is doing now what they're calling you they go hey there's a problem with your credit card i need you to go get a gift card from walmart and i might be able to put you back up and we won't take you to jail did you hear about that that's not not the fbi you should absolutely not the fbi we're talking about the fbi here right isn't it that nigerian prince who was doing that now i think yes no i can't tell if you guys are purposely misunderstanding or you really don't get it what i'm trying to say here that's not the fbi that's not the fbi that's not the fbi that's not the fbi that's not the fbi would you not admit it's at least a little concerning that santa only wants to be around kids well only kids believe in santa and uh that's who gets the presents really right exactly that's the i mean the focus has been on gift giving to kids but it's a little strange at least you have to admit well santa santa goes to these malls and has all these kids sit on his lap well we're the kids sit on santa's knee they don't sit in santa's lap they might sit on your knee but there's certainly santa's who have them sit on his lap well not everybody sits the same way either some stand next to you some on the couch next to each other some they all stand up some are just holding the kid and swinging him by his hair that's not really good they rarely ask i saw it happen before okay well that's sad it didn't happen and i'll say this to the santa it gave everybody a lot of joy to watch it besides that kid so again it's like that racist thing it's the point i made earlier acrobats that would be cool it could have been he was ripping his scalp yeah i saw someone in las vegas do that it was cool circus oled does a lot of really cool things like that i don't think i don't think the four-year-old was part of the circus oled at least what he was saying didn't represent that he wasn't saying i'm part of the circus oled this is okay yeah you don't want that reaction not really no anything but everybody else was laughing this is a mall with 300 people people were videoing this this was amazing it brought christmas joy i never saw i never saw that clip can you send me that well this was back on like the they weren't videoing with iphones they had like those cameras you know what i mean you mean cameras yeah just cameras i mean the larger cameras that it would be hard to get it uploaded on the internet i'm sure you could of course you could but how did you see it well i was there oh okay okay okay that was fun though i bet it made me want to be santa claus one day okay you can swing a four-year-old around by their hair no to make everybody happy by doing such a thing i think people would be really alarmed by that i'm sure his family was alarmed but it's like if you really think about it he's gonna be fine he's gonna have like uh an injury on his head but he'll be fine but he'll have a built a built-in fear and hate and loathing for santa claus and that's not really and 300 more people will be loving santa claus again it's like what's the trade here i get it you want everybody to be happy but at some point you got to accept that the world is a tough place it's not fun for everybody it's not fun well it's certainly not fun for everybody and we know that well then don't do it look at south africa what's happening that wasn't even a racist thing i don't know what it means south africa's country yeah well it's very well known for their for their racist that means the reds were apart oh sure oh yeah of course but i mean it's still fairly it's such a leap okay it is go on and what about long neck is he on the nice list or the naughty list he's my next guest in five minutes you mentioned him on one of your other shows i don't know who that is he's my next guest oh okay okay how did you know that was that the telescope what did you said i mentioned him before do you watch the show or did you see that in that magic thing a couple of your shows yesterday that's actually a little creepy that you're watching people at all times what about when somebody's like taking a shower i want to oh yeah yeah but back to the telescope thing what about when somebody's taking a shower no no not not in this example okay what about when somebody's in the shower and you have the telescope on them you don't look at them in the shop how do you know they're about to get in the show i mean how do you know that what if somebody just takes their clothes off and gets in the shower we move on move on so but there's brief parts where you're just looking at everybody in their most vulnerable time the the scope is really just a checkup so you're not like in it watching everything all the time so you just turn it on for a second and if well you get the letters there's letters letters come in you know and saying i've been a good i've been a good boy or i've been a good girl and so mrs claus will look through the telescope and just check and see that what they're saying is actually true but long enough he's a bad dude i mean he's a bad guy okay what did he do he's basically he's basically like a at this point okay and he used you know how i said that kid got grabbed by the hair and then got flung around no no he used to make videos like that i'm sure it extended his neck though no no no no good naughty list not a good i okay i don't know anything about this long neck person i don't know him either actually we'd love to meet him though is he a giraffe well he's been well we have to end the show now because i have to film with him now so you will meet him is he in the green room is he coming yeah he's outside we're waiting to bring him in okay you guys are big dudes too many nicknames or is that his i think his first name is long and his last name is neck so it's his dad called mr neck and his mom is mrs neck oh i think i think he's more of an existing i don't know if he has any parents or anything a long-standing family somehow he managed to have children turtle turtle turtle scary and of course his is his mom's dad was great neck great great neck yeah neck no great great neck great neck a little neck he's got a plan oh i see i see all right well that's it we have to film with long neck now thanks for coming on okay well thank you great to meet you santa claus it was a pleasure meeting you great to meet you my brother