Married Couple plays Agree to Disagree *unhinged*

pink panther is here coach and spotify are teaming up to bring music and style together and they want you to be part of it grab your friends and head to the tabby tour hitting cities around the country with live performances from special artists exclusive experiences and personalized products and discover custom playlists on spotify but just for you based on who you are and how you listen live your story with coach learn more at coach.com i wish i had kissed someone else before marriage three two one heck i'm gonna say agree wait oh my having kids made us lose parts of ourselves i'm gonna say agree i'm saying strongly agree i remember looking in the mirror one day i was like i don't even recognize myself you would still be with me if i cheated can i be honest with you yeah be honest i would like to think that i would leave you we rushed our healing after the miscarriage i'm saying agree i say disagree you but i don't think that's a bad thing welcome back to the unplanned podcast if you are watching on spotify like actually watching or on youtube you can see that we have a whole new space for unplanned right now it's decorated with our kids artwork if you listen to the episode of us talking about our son augie's thankful turkey where he wrote down he's thankful for bad guys it's literally right there literally right there we have uh literally uh artwork of our dog pretzel over this other corner which you're not even gonna see because we're not on that setting right now but this whole studio just has personal touches galore and it just it feels so official like with the way that everything's laid out and the lighting and the monitors the equipment like this is really this is an upgrade for us i know i hope you guys are enjoying it and that i don't know i hope you feel the upgrade too because it really matters to us that we're always like making a good product for you guys and yeah this feels this feels really good and i'm really if you've been here since the beginning thank you it's been nearly three years of unplanned cannot believe that we've gotten to sit down with some of the people that we've talked to just guests that i never thought in a million years i'd ever let alone meet but but interview them and like have a two-hour conversation crazy i i just can't believe that this is what and this turned into ultimately like i kind of feel like we have a relationship with those people in a way like basically every guest we've had on this show like by the end i'm like gosh i just want to be friends with you no we get deep we get deep with everybody and so it feels like okay well you know if i ever need to like i could reach out i don't know maybe i'm delusional but it's just it's more than that it's like the relationships that we've been able to create through this podcast what it's been for our relationship and just like beyond this is like so cool and we just hope you know how grateful we are that you're here and that this is a reality for us we used to have a studio okay we started the podcast in our house yeah then it was in a studio for a while and then we had a podcast and then we had a podcast and then we had a podcast a short amount of time well not really a short amount of time like a year yeah and then back in our house now so this is really convenient it's really nice like our kids are literally napping upstairs and we can just film and this is great we have a very highly requested episode coming back today agree to disagree we've played this game i think three or four times now through our youtube channel and our podcast and we're bringing it back we have a lot of new questions a lot of questions we've never answered before and then also we're bringing back a couple questions that are fan if you haven't seen us play this game before essentially we just make a statement and we can either say we agree with it disagree with it or strongly agree strongly disagree in general i think the older i get the the more i'm going to use strongly agree or disagree is going to be less and less i feel less strongly about things the more life experience i have because the more i realize i'm like oh there's nuance to everything yeah nothing could be all 100 we have 60 questions we're going from gosh we're doing level one we're going from level two we're going from level three one level two and level three so as we go further in this game we're going to ask more intense questions and again bring back fan favorites from the past let's get into it okay first question we have is our miscarriage changed our marriage it just changed well that's actually one that's a level one oh yeah that is that's a deep question our miscarriage said that so casually i did yeah i was like oh my gosh that's deep all right well wow stay tuned for level two and three everybody uh okay miscarriage changed our marriage one two three go i'm saying strongly agree oh is that what i did strongly agree i said agree okay why did you say agree why did you say strongly agree i think we've had relatively good lives and two or three years ago i remember having this distinct conversation with you about like wow things have gotten so good you know like so many things oh yeah we're like we're waiting for something to go like what could possibly go wrong and i feel like this was that thing for us and it really has changed my perspective like it really it is so sad and i feel like we're in a situation where we're in a situation sad how i'm like uh that's weird starting an emotional a bit it's up how like awful this world can be um and it's so hard to work through that with your spouse but we're getting through it and we're and things are looking up and even though we've gone through that i think our i think our marriage has changed for the better so that's why i said strongly that's why i said so i mean i don't want to say it changed the better because i'm not glad it's not like totally what happened is awful i didn't think you meant it that way yeah i would say yeah i definitely said agree because it's like what i think john deloney says this are you so sick of me quoting it's all good it's all good you love john he says that you're you're when things like this happen you it's like you kind of have to you're building a brand new marriage it's not like your marriage changes like it's like that marriage is gone yeah and this this is a new marriage we're building together again and i really do feel that way in regards to us in this miscarriage because of the way that it just like immense grief that was like all like that was so unique to the two of us too because we really are the only ones that got to experience her yeah and like those obviously other people in our life were affected totally but it was very like isolated to us is what it felt like and so that was just a very bonding experience and john deloney also says like something like this can really ruin miscarriage is unique in a sense too it can really be very damaging to a to quote unquote move on before the other person is yes and so like we've just had to grow so much and like our emotional intelligence of our own selves yes that also has grown our emotional intelligence of one another our communication has intensified and also our boundaries have because like we have both started going to individual therapy frequently consistently yeah consistently we've both been going to marriage therapy and i think we're both like our communication has has taken a leap i think yeah for sure so anyway uh and i think ultimately that's what people mean when they say everything happens for a reason i think that it can be incredibly insensitive accidentally to say someone going through an immense trial yeah everything happens for a reason you're like shut up i don't want anyone to tell me that my baby died for a reason that doesn't sound good but this is what they mean right like there can be good things that come out of a horrible situation but i think the person going through it needs to discover that for themselves right you can't just directly tell them that when they're grieving it's not going to help them yeah uh that being said next question wow level one's crazy we got married too young three two one go i'm gonna say strongly strongly disagree i'm gonna say strongly disagree okay i just said disagree i think the reason i said strongly is just because i just don't see it happening any other way i i feel like we got to experience something that most young people don't know about and i feel like we got to experience something that most young people don't get to have and going on a young adventure with you when we were practically kids our brains weren't even fully developed yet was so crazy and exciting like we moved to hawaii we just did so many wild things and and grew up together and it's something that i'll tell my kids and they can tell their kids and i don't know it's just like we chose each other over careers we chose each other over money like we we both were like this is this is the most important thing to us is this relationship with my kids and i don't know it's just like we chose this relationship and i think that just set us up for success uh i think everything else just followed it and i'm rambling now but i just don't i don't see our life any other way i'm so glad we got married when we did totally and i think that the reason i just said disagree is that no matter what i have this understanding in me that like you were gonna be my person and like i feel like i committed to you long before we actually got married but i do think like actually getting married was like at the time we did it's less about our ages and i always say this it's less about our ages but where we were at in our relationship we were so ready to get married i think we could have gotten married younger we even could yeah i think it would have been honestly might have been better for our relationship if we would have gotten me like just with the views we had at the time the the struggles that came with like being engaged somewhat with somebody but like you know having strict boundaries till marriage like that created all these complexities i don't know i almost wish we would have like gotten married two years into dating and just eloped yeah um it was fun like living with roommates and stuff but i feel like we still could have like yeah i do think we could have gotten married a year earlier we could i mean it would have been maybe a little weird but we could have like been married and still had roommates like people do i know people that do that yeah um i don't know anyway yeah next question oh yeah i think i wouldn't give that blanket advice to anybody it was just like i do think that we had something unique at that point i don't know does that sound arrogant i don't mean that in an arrogant way but i just feel like we were ready we were definitely ready having kids made us lose parts of ourselves three two one i'm gonna say agree i'm just saying strongly agree yeah i i'm gonna i guess i'll go first i'm talking right now i guess i'm saying agree because it just fundamentally changes you completely as like your life completely changes it's probably i think having kids was a much bigger decision to make than even getting married which again we have friends we have friends that have kids that are not married we have we've interviewed a lot of people on the show that have had kids before they got married and i just don't know how they do it like i and no judgment towards them it's just like having a kid with someone is probably the biggest decision you can make in your life yeah you're literally creating another life you know so well i think when you take it as seriously as you take it and as i take it like it's not like something that's like so casual it just it creates many complexities right like if you're if you end up breaking up then you know are you gonna stick around with with like around your kids you can still have a relationship with them i i hope so like and then you have all these logistics of like who has time you have custody battles and you have all these things that happen and anyway all that said i think you lose part of yourself with with having a kid um and i don't think there's anything bad about that i think it's just a change that naturally happens yeah i would say it was a refining process for me like i think i distinctly remember after having griffin our first child i remember looking in the mirror one day i was probably like six weeks postpartum you know the still fresh but like enough to be like above my head's above water yeah and i was like literally looking in the mirror i was like i don't even recognize myself like i did not feel like i wanted to do the things i used to want to do i felt like i felt overwhelmed at the prospect of even doing something for myself i felt like i just i did not know my place anymore i felt so all consumed by motherhood and i loved it but i was just so lost on my own identity at that point you loved it like because initially i didn't love it you loved it initially i think it's different for moms like you're like hormonally like yeah bonded to this kid immediately like before you're even there you even meet them so meeting them like that is like a joy that just does not wear off or i don't know i think the more the more that our kids were able to communicate with me the more i think that's unique for dads i just think to remember when like griffin and augie both were able to smile at me and i was like i was like oh my gosh i was like they can they like me they're excited to see and it just like made me feel so loved and so appreciated and it just like created this i was like i was like that's my kid like they're we i smile at them they smile back you know and just like as that communication has grown now i have full-on conversations with griffin and he asked right now he's in the stage where he's like asking why about everything and it's fun like it's so fun that i get to be the person that gets to explain to him how the world works and how the world works and how the world works and how the world works and i was like okay that part of me is dead and it's dead forever now a lot of those things came back or they came back looking different or all these types of things but basically like becoming a mom completely changed everything about me and i don't mean and i don't look at that as like oh like i lost parts of me it was i just view that fully as a refining experience especially for like my character next question we have is screens are fine if parents need a break three two one i'm gonna say strongly agree heck yeah strongly agree because sometimes especially if your kid if you're at the beach and your kid is like throwing a absolute meltdown and everyone's looking at you it's like you have to put on misracial for a couple minutes so this kid can just like come back to earth well that's different for i think they're saying if a parent needs a break oh yeah that's fine too if a parent needs it like it's like it's totally like okay say like i guess when they say they need a break and that probably means that they're like frustrated or like exhausted oh yeah you don't want to you know what's the other option you just like still keep persevering and then you're but like you stubbornly persevere and then you just are like yelling at your kids i think about shaking shaking baby baby syndrome because like if someone say chicken baby chicken baby chicken babies no i think about like there's there's people that have gotten so fed up with their kid they've shaken their kid yeah this is no one's doing a screen to a baby i know but i'm just saying like in general people do that maybe they are people can do that with any stage people get so pissed off with their teenager that they'll like throw shit at their teenager oh my gosh you know like people make big mistakes that's why people have like trauma with their parents right so if it's like i don't know i mean obviously we all know screens like too much screen time is a bad thing but if you need a little break because you're about to lose it yeah put on put on a little show put on some miss rachel put on recently it's been kids star wars that our kids love to watch on disney plus yeah so i there's nothing wrong with that yeah i guess it's like what's most important to you that your kids don't watch screens or that you show up as the best parent possible when you're around your kids thank you to aura frames for sponsoring this portion of today's episode the holiday season is fast approaching we're really in the thick of things and if you know anything about us we're a little last minute a little unplanned if you will and something about us is that we really love to give personalized thoughtful gifts but it's kind of hard to do that sometimes when you're operating on a last minute schedule 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listeners and frames sell out fast so order now to get it in time for the holidays support the show by mentioning us at checkout terms and conditions apply for those of you that don't know we just got a dog so that's why we're asking this next question next one is it's okay for my dog to sleep in my bed three two one i'm saying strongly disagree i'm gonna say disagree strongly okay guess what we might change your mind on this one day that's true puppy right now and it's okay to change your mind on totally that's okay we have a puppy right now though but i mean it's like i would sooner let my kids sleep with me than a dog yeah you know what i guess at one point we could maybe have everyone all the dogs all the kids in with us we have considered getting one of those like mega beds for a kid like an entire family to sleep in but i don't know it's not it's kind of special to have our own bed have our own space at this point my main reason is that like if pretzel ever needs to stay with somebody else like say we're traveling like we're traveling this weekend so i don't want the dog sitter to think that they have to sleep with our dog yeah because that's a huge ask that is a big ask no that's a very big ask so i'm like if she's used to sleeping with us every night and then we're gone and then she has to all of a sudden sleep somewhere else then that would be sad for her we have a friend that they their dog sitter is half asleep yeah yeah i can't believe that i see how you get there i mean we probably could get there i could see that we're capable of that but as of this point pretzel's not allowed upstairs okay and so that's where our bedroom is so that would be we'd have to we'd have to change a couple boundaries at that point i like the setup we have it's working out well next question it's important for couples to have similar life goals three two one i guess i'll say agree i mean it's probably a good thing to have similar life goals agree i think you can make it work if you have different life goals but i think that's just going to create conflict just will um i think working through conflict can make your marriage stronger though i think like overcoming conflict is a good thing okay so if you're married in my mind i'm like you guys are in the same car life yeah and you're going down a road and you can't rip that car in half and go two different directions if you're like i want to go somewhere else in my life i want to go here um you can't rip a car in half yeah you can't you know so i'm like we got to find a route that will both get us somewhere that feels like and it's like i and when it's a similar that's really important yeah they don't have to be the exact same but you have to at least be going the same direction well like say like i'm thinking of say you have a a small town girl from missouri who loves her family never wants to leave missouri and she's like i don't want to go to missouri i don't want to go to missouri i don't and then you have this dude from india that like they meet in college i'm saying this kind of a friend i have a buddy from india that feels really personal he married a missouri girl and now he lives in missouri but like in his situation if he would have just if it was important to move back to india like that that just can't work yeah you know you have to you have to figure that out and you in but like you have to work through that stuff if it comes up especially if you're already married and then someone has some epiphany moment of oh my gosh i need to live in india which is why i say important and not vital because you're allowed to change your life goals and it's actually probably important that you keep reassessing them and like being honest with yourself like is this something that i want to hang on to still or is this something i want to change or let go of or do something completely different you have to have that space in a marriage to also be honest and put those things on the table so i'm not saying it's vital but i'm saying it's important next up homemade gifts are better than store-bought gifts uh three two one i'm gonna say disagree i say disagree i mean like there's so many stupid things you can make that are homemade you know like it's like so many of those things just go in the trash right yeah i mean so many gifts in general get donated say that out loud i love you mom matthew james what okay take that out we keep it you can keep it in danilo my mom needs to know to not give me so many things that she's bought me too many hats that say dad on it it's like mom i'm never gonna wear this hat i'm never gonna drink out of a coffee mug that says hashtag dad that's just not that's just not cool just because it says dad on it doesn't mean you need to buy it for me oh it's sweet she loves a good deal she loves to i'm roasting my mom right now uh yeah i just disagree with that that sounds so bad that sounds so bad we've have we ever made a homemade gift no you did you used to make me the cutest homemade gifts when we first got married that's true and you know when we first started dating and then you did a homemade gift last year for valentine's day that was really sweet so actually some yeah okay i guess the homemade gifts i'm thinking it's like i can knit so i'm making homemade scarves for everybody okay it feels personal because someone made it with their hands but you're also giving everyone the same gift just because that's the thing that you can do yeah and it's like did they actually want that homemade scarf like maybe it looks ugly maybe they don't like scarves you know i just really want to be careful because i don't want anyone in our life oh gosh yeah we gotta be careful yeah yeah you're right i can roast my mom but i don't want to roast other family members i'm not thinking of anyone in particular i just want to put that out there but yeah but in a way it can almost feel it's like oh if they got me something that they they were shopping they specifically looked for something because they were thinking about me it almost feels more personal i can make that argument 100 yeah i agree with that we're not huge gift givers in this house and gift receivers like we don't do big gifts exchanges yeah love matters more than financial stability that's a weird one why is that weird i don't know i just three two one i'm gonna say agree i'm saying strongly with this i i think the reason i'm saying agree is because like i think financial stability is a very important part of life like i think financial instability can cause a lot of stress a lot of anxiety can ruin relationships can ruin marriages right um so that's why i'm gonna say agree that love matters more but like you gotta make sure you have some sort of financial sense i wish they would teach financial literacy in schools like everywhere um that's a whole topic for another day i'm very passionate about finance i almost became a financial planner but um yeah i just i think love matters more totally i would say that there are times in our marriage i would never say that there was a time where we were financially unstable but there was times where our finances were very tight and i don't feel like i ever felt like i was lacking for anything because we were so in love it was like yeah we we love each other so much that we're going to make this work yeah whatever we have to do to make that happen that it's like i don't know love is so wow i sound like such a goo goo what but i'm like love is just it's like hitting the jackpot so it's like you know what like to find someone that you truly love is like a rare thing that we're that finances are also very important but in the scheme of things it feels minor high five i love it you're sweet i think finances are very important i definitely think finances are more important than you do but it's okay it's all good yeah we don't have to that's what makes us cool is that we're different of course so it attracts me to you there you go i would probably hate your guts if you were just like me like we can't opposite to track so that's why we're married we're different uh the person who cooks shouldn't have to clean this is a repeat one okay three two i actually don't even know what i said to this last time three two one i'm gonna say disagree and here's why i'm gonna say disagree too i think you have to look at what's overall going on so someone's cooking and cleaning and they do all of that but then someone else is like taking on another household task or another family responsibility that's like contributing who the heck cares if they're cooking and cleaning i think household role roles are over talked about yeah it really does not very much matter because i mean honestly oftentimes in our household abby will make the dinner and clean up and i'll be the one that gives the boys their baths brushes their teeth gets them in their jammies and i like it reads them a book so i do like the whole especially like it it fluctuates though like it's not always we're always we're not rigid about literally anything there's been times where like abby cooks i clean she does the boys bath time yeah like we we fluctuate too i i actually used to cook a lot more until one time i made salmon that nobody liked and then i i've been making like i never make dinner anymore and i'm like i'm not gonna make dinner anymore and i'm like i'm not gonna make dinner anymore so maybe eventually you'll trust me again to make salmon no i'm just saying like i feel like i love our situation where nothing is like very few things are like you always do that i always do that like i feel like we both have like an ebb and flow where it's like okay i need you to fill in a little bit more tonight i'm gonna i need you to do 75 tonight i've only got 25 yeah it feels great that we can both ebb and flow like that like it doesn't have to be rigid it's like hey maybe i got a hundred percent tonight because you're like puking you like to actually cook and clean and the other person hates it i actually do like like when it comes to you know abby and i have a business together of content online when we when we would like for instance in hawaii before kids abby would cook and clean while i would just edit all of our youtube videos and tiktoks and i'd much rather do that and it was like i was like running our business and then she was doing like the house stuff and that just worked for us and we were both happy so it doesn't and it doesn't have to stay that way like you can here's the thing you don't need to compare your situation with other people's situation you don't everyone's different and it just takes communication or you can and here's the other thing with your marriage you always can bring something new to the table and be like yo i know i've cooked for 10 years in our relationship i actually just discovered about myself i despise cooking and then you can you know clean slate yeah let's start over let's start over some a different routine there so it's like no big deal next question is your spouse should come before your extended family three two one i'm gonna say strongly agreed why in the world would your spouse ever come after your extended oh no it's very easy to happen say you have a very vocal family member that you feel like you have to please so much you've you've grown up your whole life feeling like you have to please them yeah and then say your partner's kind of like yeah chill flexible it's really easy to just cater to the louder voice and then you forget that like it's like oh my priority is to you first yeah i'm so glad you say that because like i yeah i stand by my answer but it's like it's like it's like it's like it's so easy to forget that you know it is really easy to forget that and you just think like oh yeah this person i added and it's like no you don't have to do what they ask you like your spouse is more important yeah right for sure family dynamics can be so tricky they can be tricky in marriage yeah i feel very blessed that we both have good families that totally totally we're just like singing kumbaya by the fire they also care about our marriage and they like they understand that our priority is to each other first yeah they respect that everyone yeah so that's great this next one's actually kind of funny okay we we trauma bought a puppy that's the next statement okay three two one yeah i'm gonna agree with that agree i'm gonna say agree i mean sure we talked about it for four years before actually pulling the trigger but like it was like yeah we just went through a pretty effed up thing let's uh let's get a puppy this will make us happier and it kind of worked i honestly today me and presel were just chilling outside while the carpet cleaners were cleaning our carpet and it was great like we were just she fell asleep on my foot oh she's great i honestly think that we would not have a dog if we hadn't had a miscarriage at this point oh no yeah we would 100 getting a dog was a response it changed the timeline of our life yeah totally yeah and you know what it was the reason i'm like so hesitant to say that because it kind of makes it sound like she was a replacement when she absolutely was not a replacement but it just like i said it just changed the timeline of when we were going to get a dog because of all these different factors that were no longer factor in our life yeah and we've been so lucky that she's a really good puppy like she does not bark really at all she wants to play she stays in her like she's so chill she doesn't bark or cry in her crate like she just she just goes in there falls asleep don't have to get up we don't get up in the night to take her out she just holds her pee all night goes potty in the morning she's a great dog she's a very good dog she's unusually good dog she's a very good dog yeah we got lucky we got really lucky um but yeah she's such a blessing but yeah we probably would not have her at this point in time okay vacation should be more relaxing than adventurous hey okay these are the level one questions okay i was hoping for these aren't like sex questions relationship okay so vacations should be more relaxing than adventurous three two one i'm gonna say strongly disagree i think vacation i personally love to invent i can relax at my house i want to i do adventure i'm holding all of mine up why are you holding all of yours up because i think that there is a trip for everything okay i really do because i feel like before i had kids i want like now i want vacations for relaxation that sounds amazing we did just go to vegas think about a baby moon i'm like i just want to relax that's true and so it's like that feels so nice but then i loved the vacations we took where we were hiking the entire time yeah i love the vacations we took doing tours and sightseeing the entire time i think there's a vacation for everything i think the most important thing is that who you and whoever you're traveling with is aligned on what you want to do because i feel like sometimes we've gone on trips where i'm like i just want to read my book yeah and relax no like going on and you're like we're here like we want and i understand both sides but i'm like there's a trip for everything yeah so there's so many trips where i just want to read my book let's just be honest babe that's what that honestly i think that's a difference between us i think when i totally i'm an adventurer i want to go like backpacking the mountains i'm an adventurer you are you like to relax matthew james you love to read your book by the beach i love that and you love to go to the spa season of life i really and i've i've learned to enjoy those things but like when it when it comes out of my core i'm an adventure guy matt 1000 i love to hike i love to try new things i love to try new foods i love to go on i love a tour i love these things okay and it's like don't put me in a box think about the season of life i'm in okay okay okay okay thank you all right let me defend myself i am fun thank you to neutrophil for sponsoring this portion of today's episode during this holiday season it's super super easy to start thinking about everybody else in your life i'm talking what do my kids need what does my spouse need what does grandma need what does great grandma need what does my mom need and i think all of that is really great but what's also really important is that we are taking care of ourselves and doing our self-care and that's why gifts like neutrophil really stand out during this season with neutrophil you can give the gift of stronger and faster growing hair and it's an ideal gift for anyone who deserves a boost of confidence in science-backed support you can give the gift of stronger and faster growing hair and it's an ideal gift for anyone who deserves a boost of confidence in science-backed support heading into the new year neutrophil is the number one 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yes queen give the gift of confidence this holiday season with neutrophil whether you're treating yourself or someone on your list visibly healthier thicker hair is the gift that keeps you healthy and keeps on giving right now neutrophil is offering our listeners ten dollars off your first month subscription plus free shipping when you go to neutrophil.com and use promo code unplanned pod that's neutrophil.com promo code unplanned pod for ten dollars off the next one is the internet has done more harm than good i'm actually with this i'm gonna say i'm gonna say disagree what about i'm actually gonna say strongly disagree i'm gonna say disagree and the reason is because yes the internet has brought so many horrible problems but i think there's also been a lot of amazing things think about what we can do because of the internet yes the communication like the life-saving technologies that can be shared globally you know uh just there's so many resources now on the internet that you can have for free you can essentially teach yourself to like be a programmer or coder just by looking at youtube videos i taught myself guys how to edit how to make video when i was a kid off of youtube i think we progressed so much because of the just the data and the accessibility to it it's like a it's a super i mean a computer is insane yeah the i think that most of the problems that have come up with it come out of it is humans not having proper boundaries with it yes and so i think that's more of like that's a human problem and i think that anything like the internet just exacerbates human problems more than an internet problem okay now abby we are moving on to level two oh my gosh i'm already feeling stressed out that i'm not elaborating enough so i'm just like saying like i'm not going to be able to do this i'm not going to be able to do this i'm not going to get some statements that people are going to run with and maybe clip and just think that i'm x y or z hey that's just part you know what that's just part of it there's a theory called let them the let them theory by mel robbins i just feel like some of these i need to give like a lot of explanation i'm sure some some person out there hungry for views and clips will probably clip something of us at some point in the future it's just going to happen let them let them okay let them i just want to get my opinion out there i love it i like the let them theory okay level two we're getting deeper and and this is what we're doing okay this is the first one of of level two we look happier on social media than we really are i'm gonna say agree i'm gonna say agree with that what about you i agree but i'm actually saying disagree disagree because i mean i kind of showed the internet the depths of my despair recently that's true i guess it depends on which platform you're looking at right because i think you were very very vulnerable on all especially you all of them on youtube which i guess those get clipped as well yeah but what i'm thinking about is like especially our era of doing like tiktok dances where we're just like smiling and having fun like i feel like that was just like highlight reel after highlight reel after highlight reel and you know when all you're posting is highlight reels of course you're gonna look happier yeah of course you are um the one reason i'm saying disagree is because i feel like i just kind of laid it all out there at that point yeah ah i almost want to go neutral on this one i feel like it's a pretty i feel like we do give a good we give the good the bad and we give everything we give we give it all i feel like we try to keep a very real perspective that's why i like the podcast you guys because like this is like the realest thing you can have like we're just this is this is it we're just sitting and chatting you know yeah i'm not yeah i'm gonna say neutral on that one okay next we have social media is hurting our relationship okay here we go and three two one i'm gonna say disagree i'm saying disagree too with the caveat it's definitely posed complications oh yeah but i think the complications have really been as like it's not a social media thing it's like a personal thing that we're bringing into our marriage yeah and also i just think it's not necessarily social media it's working together yeah but i feel like that was like a year one through three thing that like learning about i feel like years three through six and a half it hasn't that's why i said disagree it's not a in the past is maybe just working together because it causes yeah it causes challenges like it's so easy okay because we're owners of the company right like abby and i own a media company we're making decisions if we weren't making decisions together i don't think it'd be a problem like if we were employees at a place together we're both just doing our job and that's what we that's what we used to do we used to work at a pizza restaurant in college and we were not the boss so fun working together no problem but then when we're both the boss then if we have differences and ideas and creativity things can get weird it's not a huge problem though for us yeah we've we've definitely i think we've gotten lucky we've also learned we also work well together we do go to therapy i like you i love you i love you very much next we have you should have the password to your partner's phone i'm going to say strongly agree me too strongly agree i think if you're if you don't have the password to your partner's phone it's like why this actually makes me ask the question your phone is my phone i know we both we both have the passwords to each other's phones we have each other's instagram i think on each other's phone too and here's the thing if you were to read my text i wouldn't even be like why are you reading my text yeah i'd be like yeah read all the texts you want whatever yeah and it's not like and we don't do that because we have that open door policy yeah i think if it was like if there was a limitation there i'd be like well let me see like what what is the that's hiding yeah yeah i agree i think that's i think you should have a password uh next one is going through your partner's phone without asking is okay three two one strongly agree now do we actually do i strongly agree as well but do we actually do this in practice maybe sometimes yeah but never with like a when he's away i'm gonna make sure that it's like oh i'm curious yeah when abby texts her boyfriend it bothers me a little bit but like not you can read anything i have thanks baby yeah so no i mean it's like yeah i strongly agree that you should be able to now do i think it's healthy to do that regularly probably not it might be in different ways but i think it's healthy to do that regularly probably not it might be in indicative of some kind of trust issue yeah but yeah you should be able to why not yeah i agree let them let them i don't know if that's the proper use of the theory okay this one's interesting i actually completely forget how i answered this one in the past but it's while married it's possible to be close friends with someone else of the opposite sex this is like that that's not yeah oh yeah i can already hear the comments i mean i'm gonna say i'm gonna say disagree as well i'm gonna say disagree like i think like anytime i'm having a conversation with a woman that's not abby i feel like there's always someone else present they're just they're just never a time that i'm having a conversation with i mean maybe one time i had a conversation with our lawyer and it was just me and her on the phone call you can have a phone call with another but i'm just like i don't know there's just not i i just don't even uh it's like why mess around with that you know like why why grow an intimate relationship with the opposite sex that's not your spouse that's just playing with fire and i'm just like i don't know why mess around with that you know why why grow an intimate in my in my personal opinion i think that i can i just say something what this might sound like i'm getting on a soapbox maybe it is but i know that there was a politician in the past oh yeah that got made fun of publicly for not wanting to be eating dinner or having a meeting one-on-one with another woman that wasn't his wife and i think that is hypocritical because there is i think it's a great thing we've had a lot of you're saying you like that he made let me let me say what i'm gonna say okay i think the hypocrisy comes in the judgment of him okay okay because we have made a lot of progress and there's been so much conversation in the world and culture around boundaries yeah amazing great thing in most cases yet when he has this boundary people are making fun of him for it yeah that's crazy and all i see when i hear about that is i don't i don't look at a unstable marriage i look at an extremely stable marriage yeah because it's like they they prioritize so much about they hold what they have together so highly that they're gonna put Put guardrails around it because it's like this is so valuable that I don't even want to risk anything entering and cutting through this. I'm just thinking about like, look, I grew up with all brothers, okay? So sometimes my emotional intelligence sucks butt cheeks, okay? That's not an excuse. So let's take a dude that had all sisters, has extremely high emotional intelligence. 10 out of 10 looks wise. I'm like a seven and a half, okay? So you take this guy and I feel like that's being complimentary towards myself. I feel like I'm a good looking guy, but I said, give myself seven and a half. So you take it, you take it 10 out of 10 looking good, looking good dude. This dude looks good. He has very high emotional intelligence. Put him in a room with Abby and it's like- My clothes might just come off. Exactly, exactly. And I wouldn't blame you. I wouldn't blame you. I'd be like, that's a hot guy. He is so good with his words. He has so good with his words, just like you right there. Of course you had an affair. Like I'm not, it's like, okay, you know? So it's like, don't even, why even play, why even play with that line? Yeah. I don't, I think it's like, if you really truly value and hold what you have sacred, then there's no reason to even mess around with it. It's like, it seems like it's just an easy trade off. Yeah. But I will say there are instances where it might be fine. Like I would, I'm not saying I would never get a dinner alone with another man. I'm not saying that would never happen. I'm saying it would, there would need to be some unique circumstances for that. Next one. It's okay to be friends with your ex. You ready? I'm not going to answer this one. Why are you not going to answer this one? I can't speak to it. I don't have an ex. We both don't have exes, but I feel like we can still give our personal opinion. It's okay to be friends with an ex. Three, two, one. I'm going to say agree. I think you can be friends. I think you should probably. I might have said disagree in the past, but I'm going to say agree now. I think you should err on the side of acquaintances though. Like you don't want this person again, right? Like you take an attractive person who has high emotional intelligence. Maybe have stronger boundaries with them. You got to have some boundaries because you just like. Because they also know you very intimately. And there's probably. There's a past, right? There's something there. And you got to just. Yeah. You got to be careful with that. You know, I think. I think. Yeah. Having boundaries for yourself is a good thing because we're all human. Like everybody makes mistakes. People do dumb. Also, say for instance, maybe one of your exes, like maybe you ended because they're gay. And in which case I'm thinking you guys probably make excellent friends. That's true. Like there was a friend. You could probably be best friends. Like Abby and I weren't even married yet. And this dude like shared a bedroom with Abby. Like two nights in college. And I did not even care because he was gay. Like it's like. Yeah. Who cares? Like I don't care. So there you go. You just said I can't be friends with the opposite sex. But then I. You did share that. I share my room in college with him. That's true. It does completely change things if they're gay. Totally. Totally. Like would you care if I shared a room with a lesbian woman? Share it to bed. Wow. I've never been presented with that. I guess I don't really have. I. I can't say I love it. I can't say. Wait, why? Wait, really? I literally don't care. I don't care if you're friends. If you share to bed with a gay guy, I would not care. I literally would not care. Like, why would I care? He's not attracted to women. Yeah, I know. I don't care if I share a bed with a gay guy. I don't know. I've just never had to think about that. And I'm. My. The. The first initial processing is I don't love it. I don't know. I still don't. Oh, yeah. Okay. Hey, that's fine. You can have that opinion. Okay. White lies in a relationship are okay. White lies. What's the definition of white lie? Yeah. I feel like it's more so like, hey, babe, do I look good? And. This. And you say yes. Oh, what do I. Yeah. What do I. I can't decide. Can I be neutral on this one? No. Because like, here's the thing. Like, I don't. Like, if you ask me my opinion on your outfit, I'm just going to give you the honest truth. Yeah. And I've gotten flack for that in the past. People are like, wow, it's so toxic. He said he didn't like the outfit. Literally last video of me. Oh, shut up. Rating your outfits. I think I gave the first one an eight. Okay, then let's say a white. Second one a four. Okay. And people were mad that I gave the second one a four. Shut up. But I'm just being honest. Let them. I'm just. Let them. Let them. I'm just being honest, right? Like, I'm just giving you honest. Yeah, I. I'm going to go neutral on this because I think like there's definitely. You know what? I'm actually going to say. There's been. Actually, I will say this. I can think of a time where you were like postpartum and you just use white lies, right? Because it's like you, you need confidence. You need to be like, you need to feel good about yourself. Okay. I will say white lies are okay. I'm going to go with the, I'm going to go with the Greek because it's like sometimes you need like out of love. That's sweet, honey. Out of love. That is sweet. You need to use a little bit of white lies every once in a while to love, to love someone. Did I say I was, do I look skinny? And you were like, yes. I don't know what it was. I just can think like. No, I'm curious. And you know what? I'm actually okay in that situation. You lying to me. I'd prefer that you lie to me in that situation. Give me nooks. I need it then. You know, I'm a little unstable at that point. Okay. We have, you would still be with me if I cheated. Wow. That. No, wait, wait. So the layers. You would still. I'm thinking that you would still. I'm just thinking about you. I'm thinking about Abby. Three. Three, two, one. I'm going to say disagree. I think if I cheated, you would leave me. And I think, oh yeah, I don't think I would leave. I don't think. I think I would give you. I said agree. I would give you another chance. You think that I would leave you if you cheated on me? I feel like you have told me that. Haven't you? I feel like you have. I feel like you've actually verbally said that before. Maybe that was more. Maybe that was more of just like an emotionally like. Actually, you know what? I would get. It depends on the circumstances probably. Can I be honest with you? Yeah, be honest. I would like to think that I would leave you if you cheated on me. Wow. See, I don't feel that same way. Like it. I. Because. No, seriously. Okay, I'll pass. If you cheat. Well, if you. This is so weird that we're talking about this on a podcast and it's like literally public for the entire internet. I don't know what. No, I guess I'm just saying like. I don't know. I do. I do believe in second chances and I really like you as a person. So I feel like we've been together for a decade. We have two children together. Now we have a dog. I mean, like we have so much. So as I feel like I would obviously be extremely, extremely devastated and hurt. But I think like I would want to give you a second chance hoping that you actually wanted to. Like if it was something that just kept happening. Absolutely not. You get out of that. Like if I found out. I mean. People do find this out all the time that someone's been cheating for seven years. Yeah. If I found out something like that, it would have to be done. Like it's like, how do you repeat that? Yeah. Time and time and time again. And it was a one off thing. You make a really good point. But even then, I'm still like, gosh, you had to cross so many boundaries to go all. I'm assuming we're talking about like. Yeah. An affair. Yeah. Sexual affair. Sexual affair. Like not just an emotional affair. You have to cross so many boundaries at that point. Yeah. That I would be like, I don't know. I don't know how we could repair this. Yeah. Well, I guess I know you could. I know you could. I don't know that I'd be willing to repeat that. I would honestly be impressed if you cheated on me, though, because it's like we are around each other so much for you to like cheat on me would be like, how did you pull it off? But also, you know that I would literally never, ever, ever, ever, ever, which is hilarious that there was a time when people thought I wasn't loyal. Unless it was Usher, you know, unless it was Usher. Shut up. I am the most loyal person. It's okay. You can say it. You know, we went to his concert. You're a huge Usher fan. You know. You can have a hall pass for Usher, babe. If the opportunity presented itself, I would literally laugh. I'd be like. Would you kiss him? If I give you permission to kiss Usher, one little kiss. 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That, like- - It's easy, strongly disagree. disagree why do you look so guilty matt howard oh my gosh okay do you count as you count a dream like having a dream does that count no because your brain isn't no dreams do not count okay so i'm gonna say disagree i'm gonna say disagree then i'm saying strongly disagree but but like a dream is like i don't know like what is that is that your subconscious is that like what do you my my subconscious does wacky things to me have you cheated on me and you have cheated on me in your in your dream we've both cheated on each other in dreams that doesn't count that's not cheating that's not considering cheesy cheating okay next step we have is i have considered divorce whoa this is this is not something you should talk about on a podcast i know we've actually done that one before though we haven't we've answered that before okay i think we both said yes in the past so i think we can just say yes i think we both said agree i've considered divorce and we both said agree oh i was about to say disagree we both said agree last time which means that we both agreed i mean that's what we both said we said agree we both said that we yeah we said agree i've considered divorce we've we both said that on the when we did this on our youtube channel oh my gosh yeah we we went there matt that's crazy i know it's the cra it's crazy how much we've shared with with the internet it's crazy dude oh my gosh isn't that crazy well i guess i have i feel like couples that say they haven't are either in just the most magical whoop-dee-doo marriage or they're liars you know well no no i don't think those are the only two options there's a shade of gray here what's the shade of gray what's your definition of considered that's true that's true like i feel like for me about it yeah i think that for me if you entertain the thought if your thought if you've thought about it then for me in my mind you've considered it and so therefore that's probably why i said agree so i'm reading a book right now by an author that we're gonna have on our podcast soon and something he says in his book is when you marry someone you're not gonna marry them you're not gonna marry them someone you're choosing the person you're gonna have your fights with your conflicts with your problems with it just is like yeah when you get married it's not all sunshine and rainbows all the time maybe it is for a little bit man i'm sure and and hopefully you married someone that you can have a lot of sunshine and rainbows with hopefully it's one that you like have so much chemistry with and it's great and that's how i feel about you but it's also like when we married we also chose that you're the person that i'm gonna have disagreements with well totally and i think that in marriage like when things come up a lot of things it's not even related to one another it's life happening yeah and you're living within a marriage so then it like affects your marriage and when things get hard i think sometimes especially if it's really really hard your brain goes to crazy extremes sometimes and it wanders right wow would divorce fix this oh if i got if i got divorced would it make me happier would i feel free would i oh i could discover who i am like there's all these things that come up right and and i think for some people that really is the answer i think there's some people that are in very abusive relationships totally and then i think there's also people that are maybe i also don't think that you should just stay married because you're too stubborn to get divorced because of your religion because of your beliefs like and i think a lot of people stay in unhealthy marriages because of that and there's even people like there's dateline episodes of people that are like highly religious and they don't want and they just kill their spouse because they don't want to get that crazy that public backlash it's like dude screw the people that just choose selfishness over going through some discomfort of like yeah just yeah i would just say yeah if you've are you talking about thinking about it and it's also just like hard not to do divorces talked about all the time yeah and it's yeah i guess yeah thought a thought has entered my head yeah we've both had that thought before and so i think that's cool that we can both acknowledge that and recognize that we didn't we didn't go forward with that we didn't and i think having i think it makes our marriage even stronger that we can be honest with each other we don't have to like play play games play pretend no pretend it's really cool that we can just be real yeah i would agree love you okay one of us is still grieving the miscarriage more than the other holy crap three two one i'm gonna say we're both saying agree yeah we're both i think that's normal yeah and i think that's what causes a lot of fights with yeah i think that's why people get divorces when they lose a child right because i can't imagine like what we went through with the miscarriage is horrific imagine having a kid get hit by a car or a spouse running over a kid like there's just so many horrible horrible things that can happen and that's why those marriages don't work out because people grieve differently and then it becomes this this this conflict of f you well they also say you don't even care about our kid grief is like a fingerprint yeah it's unique to everybody and even though we have the same situation we have a different fingerprint of this grief yeah and um so yeah those just look differently yeah i love you love you we rushed our healing after the two one i'm gonna say disagree i'm saying agree but i don't think that's a bad thing i think when you're saying you rush something it does have a negative connotation really i'm acknowledging that but i'm not saying i i'm saying agree on the terms of like i definitely tried to expedite it yeah because and here's why life's still moving on i have two little kids i was made so aware right when they told us what had happened that i was like holy crap yeah life is still gonna keep barreling towards it towards me and i have and i want to be on board i want to be on board for that and so i'm going to do the things i need to do to face it all so head-on so i i face it head-on and i'm and i and i think rush means that i skip steps i did not i just expedited it i moved it forward quicker and i think that there's still residual things that i'm feeling but i was really intentional about feeling everything saying everything pausing everything for those first two weeks and then i was like i want to get back on the train of life like i want to keep going forward it's interesting like from my perspective how i like almost dissociated yeah you dissociated for like a month and then it hit me so hard yeah and then it was just like i remember crying in therapy and our therapist was like this is the first time i've seen you like uh break down because it was just like real i because i had this like we i had this realization in therapy that like what uh frick what uh what uh hurt was realizing like all the excitement i had about our daughter and meeting her and knowing that that was never going to happen and that was what was so hard so i think february's gonna suck and i want to get the heck out of here in february and hopefully my my like coping mechanism is to dissociate and just wouldn't get away i don't know i don't know if that's right i don't know what we'll have to keep talking but like yeah it's uh i think the closer we get um to the to the due date is just like the harder it gets mm-hmm yeah i hope that doesn't mean that i want to specify that this does not mean that i believe i skipped any steps or i'm not still suffering yeah it's just that i did really try to face it all head on because i knew that i had responsibilities that were very important to me still which was our children which was our life because here's the thing i knew from the beginning that i could completely remove from my life and i didn't know what to do with it and i didn't know what to do with myself and that that would have probably felt good to just remove and not engage in life for a while but i ultimately had to make a choice and i didn't choose that so our puppy made our marriage harder three two one i'm gonna say disagree i don't think the puppy has affected our marriage at this point absolutely not i think it's made it better i feel like i mean yeah it hasn't made it better or worse i was actually thinking today i was like i love that we have a dog yeah she's blessed i literally had that thought so many times today just i'd love it it wasn't this earth shattering thing that i thought it would be no it's so easy after it was really casual we have an easy puppy but like after having kids well it's also an easy circumstances like we're home all the time we work from home yeah so it's really chill she's great i love that girl money doesn't buy happiness uh i'm gonna say i'm gonna say agree i'm gonna say i was gonna say strongly agree but i'm just gonna say agree yeah because i think i'm not that strongly a place of privilege yeah that comes from a place of privilege for sure but um yeah i think the reason i didn't say strongly would strongly agree is because like money definitely like if if you have money to pay for food your shelter you know your your medical expenses because gosh like we both know how crazy medical expenses can be in america after getting some crazy medical bills it's it's makes me it actually makes me mad because like we are we're privileged we've made decent money from our social media oh yeah more than decent money yes and and still these bills shock us sometimes we're like how the hell is this whatever you know insert insert dollar amount so it makes me sad that there's people that get like trapped in like medical debt oh my gosh in our country and our country where we are the richest country in the world i know someone that was faced with a situation where they were their kids it was a matter of life and death for their children oh my gosh and they couldn't afford the cost of care and i'm like at that point money would certainly have bought her happiness and a strong amount of money would definitely have bought her happiness yeah but it's not the money at that point it's the money at that point point yeah it's the things that your money can do for you yeah and so it's like i hate reducing it to the money because it's like just having that amount of money and not what it would do for her wouldn't do anything you know what jeff from beast game said is like the cure to these rare diseases is having a celebrity that with a kid that has the disease because then you have all this all this money and attention really more so than money is the attention so that you can like bring attention to scientists and to wealthy people to help find a cure and so yeah so i just don't think it's like oh no it's not money to buy all these nice cars and these nice houses it's just like it can be so much more serious than that i think when it comes down to health money buys happiness when it comes to health for sure and safety too yeah safety for your family like that that would definitely make you feel happy yeah i think maybe the answer is like when it comes to aside from having your basic needs money does not buy happiness 1000 okay we don't give each other enough emotional support we're we're going we're going for the crazy questions today three two one i was gonna say strongly disagree i'm saying disagree i feel like abby and i uh this is vulnerable we had a really really good conversation yesterday um where i just felt like so seen emotionally and it just i feel like our marriage is stronger than ever and so yeah what about you yeah i'm like i feel like we talk about our feelings a lot to each other so i'm like i feel like that's it's like gosh every day so i feel like we talk about that a lot we also have opportunities to be asked really deep questions because of going to therapy together and because of just the nature of you like you're a curious guy we have a lot of like thought-provoking conversations i feel like there's like a lot of space for that in our in our marriage so yeah i would say we talk about feelings quite a bit more than the average couple probably next question we also just talk way more than the average couple we do we really do next question is we don't make each other a priority anymore three two one disagree i'm gonna disagree too disagree yeah it's just we prioritize each other yeah i think you do that for me i think i do that for you yeah i think you're pretty cool i think you're awesome we're more like roommates than romantic partners lately wow these questions are so inappropriate to answer i know these are these are wow wow okay we're more like roommates than romantic partners lately i'm gonna say disagree i'd say disagree or strongly disagree okay you hold up strongly disagree if we were doing this with a roommate i would have major problems yeah we have way our our our relationship is way too intimate to just be roommates yeah okay yeah i'm not sleeping in the closet anymore what did you say i said i'm not sleeping in the closet anymore even oh sorry that was a joke that was a stupid joke we actually had a really good relationship when i was in the closet too yeah that sounded so weird well yeah for those of you that don't know there's been times in our marriage where we've slept in different rooms for various reasons and we're still talking about like for like weeks at a time yeah yeah i think i think that's where i think that's where like tabloids and internet drama channels have like had a heyday with stuff like that don't even anyway yeah let them we're gonna let them let them um yeah i feel great about our marriage things great um abby starts more arguments abby starts more arguments okay uh you got your answer locked in yeah okay three two one i'm gonna say agree why do you agree with that because i do a lot more thinking than you do about our relationship that's so funny i love you love you i love you i think you're i think you're awesome thanks honey and i think you're really funny i think you're so pretty thanks you're beautiful abby does more of the housework three housework housework three two one i say agree agree we're both arguments but i clean it up yeah i think it's just like we've kind of always fallen into i mean i we said we've said before traditional roles but we don't really also say something too yeah we have the amazing privilege of having cleaners it's not like i'm scrubbing yeah that's true we have our cleaners come every other week and they do an amazing job it's not like i'm breaking my back over here yeah like we have a lot of support and that's and on the nights honestly like the most valuable thing i like i love and value their what they do for us so much and when in the days that you don't feel like like cleaning and cooking i don't either clean or cook or we do take out you know like it's that it's that simple that's serious it's not that serious there's actually been a lot of times where i've begged abby to not cook because she's like tired and i'm like babe let's just order food i like it and she's like i want to cook because i like a home-cooked meal i love a home-cooked meal and i want to do it can you go take the kids to the park and i'm like okay let's do it my podcast and make soup dear yeah dear god thank you to story worth for sponsoring this portion of today's episode growing up my dad would tell me stories about his childhood and how him and his brother at one point used to raise goats and have to wake up at like five o'clock in the morning before school to milk the goats because i guess that's what his dad decided they needed to do as a family to just help pay the bills when they lived in illinois i don't know crazy but it's details like this that i want to share with my kids and help my father also pass on to his grandchildren and that's why i recommend story worth memoirs for your loved ones this holiday season it might sound a little intimidating but it's so easy and they'll love it how it works is that each week story worth emails a loved one a memory provoking question that you get to choose questions like what were your favorite toys as a child or what are you most proud of all your loved one needs to do then is to respond to that email with a story they can either write a story or record it over the phone for story worth to transcribe after a year story worth compiles your loved one's stories and photos printed in a vibrant color and a beautiful keepsake hardcover book this year they added a bunch of new features to make storytelling even easier with personalized questions and a magic editor their magic layout and new book designs make finished books look even more beautiful story worth has 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bed right now which is right above our which is above the studio so hilarious okay yeah strongly disagree i feel like our marriage is in a great spot which is honestly i feel like we wouldn't have filmed this video if our marriage wasn't a good spot like this would not be healthy to make yeah that would be a bad idea that'd be a horrible idea to make a video for the internet with our marriage being in a not good place okay well um now we're entering level three should we just rapid fire these i feel like no explanation no okay rapid fire i don't think i'll be able to do that rapid fire people we these are high stakes these are high these are high stakes uh level three we wouldn't be together today if we met for the first time now okay um if we like just met for the first time now i'm gonna i got my answer okay three two one i'm gonna say where's the disagree i can't find i'm gonna hold it there's another one right here okay disagree i say disagree i just think you're someone that i'm fundamentally attracted to you physically and emotionally yeah that's it's really that simple disagree disagree uh soulmates are not real three two one i'm gonna say strongly i'm gonna say strongly agree strongly agree i think abby as much as i would love to believe that i'm the only person for her on this planet i'm sure there's millions of other dudes that she can be married to i honestly just think that they're and there's probably better people better fits for her than me like there probably are there's more attractive guys people that have more emotional understanding of their emotions and your emotions and probably group with like a bunch of sisters and they just like understand women at like such a deep level probably way better fit but what for whatever reason we ended up together and i feel so lucky that i get to be married to you and i think we are constantly teaching each other new things and we're growing together and i feel very lucky so yeah i think love is more romantic i think love is more romantic if it's not something that you were just you fall into wait this is actually funny because the next question is there is someone more compatible with you than you are compatible for you out there oh and i'm thinking i i read that as for you like more compatible for you um so i'm gonna i'm gonna answer that i'm gonna answer that one agree because yeah i agree i think pure if you look at pure data pure statistical odds if if you're being if you're going to like math and stuff yeah there's a hundred yeah but there's relatively no purpose in even thinking about that exactly yeah exactly i mean maybe if our marriage was like there's some really effed up stuff going on can i also say i have an argument for disagree for that as well because i think we see this happen a lot true where people leave their marriage yeah and because they think they're more compatible with someone else but maybe that's not maybe they are more compatible but guess what it still doesn't end up working out you've trained me to be the husband husband you want i've trained you to be the wife i want you to because obviously a way more important is that you choose to be married and choose to work on your marriage like i think we were talking about intimacy the other day and it was like we both know what we love in the bedroom so it's like man gosh if we got remarried i don't want to train someone yeah train someone else that's like a whole entire under that's a 10-year process we've been i mean that's 10 years we've been together for a decade we've been together for a decade we've been having sex for seven of those wow let's just give them the stats right like we we waited till marriage but yeah i mean it's like gosh we like really understand what each other likes which is cool this got a whole different um our marriage hasn't fully healed and we both know it i'm guessing this is about miscarriage our marriage hasn't fully healed and we both know it um i'm gonna disagree on that one yeah i don't think our marriage i think our marriage changed i don't think our marriage took a hit yeah it didn't i'm gonna say i'll say i'll say disagree as well i think i think like grieving is still something that we're both going through and and we're and learning about but yeah i i think that we're i think we've healed so much well i'm not healed from a miscarriage oh yeah yeah i'm saying like i think our marriage isn't what took a hit i think me as a person like i grieved and i think that i've definitely healed a lot yeah but definitely not done healing i have thought about what life would look like without my spouse like assuming i guess like this is kind of like back to the died um i'm gonna say agree yeah i'm gonna say agree i've thought about that it's scary that's why i get so that's why i always say my worst fear is like losing you because like and i don't and i i'm hesitant to even say that because i feel like that is so insensitive to people that i've had to deal with the reality of losing a spouse young like i don't i don't mean it's something that would end my life or like there's no future for me but like i just don't i don't i surely would never choose to have to deal with that reality this is such a dark thought but why the other day was i like i almost want to experience like like be in the room with someone that like that passes like like maybe it's like set like an old person in nursing home and like we form a relationship and then that would probably change you that's what i'm saying like i think it would give me perspective on life and perspective on like how temporary it is and like i just had this realization hospice nurses because i think well i think for me i think a fear that i have is death yeah like i think and i think a lot of people fear death and to experience that i think would give you some peace knowing like you can be surrounded by your loved ones and your family or or like you you experience you see someone die and you know like hey it's not this horrible scary thing you know and it actually can be a quite peaceful thing i don't know um but yeah i've definitely thought about like are we are we good if i if i leave you with like a low like if i die in a car crash or something like are you okay so i've thought about both situations very scary stuff but i've thought about it and i don't like to think about stuff like that yeah no we're not on the same page about having another baby three two one i'm saying strongly disagree we both are saying strongly disagree strongly disagree we're on the we've we've never been on more of the same page i would say yeah having another baby scares me three two one i'm gonna say agree i'm saying strongly agree it's scary i mean like thinking about after miscarriage having another kid you just like all the only thought that goes through my head is like i hope that doesn't happen again i hope that doesn't happen again i hope that like it's just really scary on the flip side i will say like there's also hope in that thought there's actually a lot of hope for me in that thought like the thought of having like i keep calling it like a redemptive pregnancy but a pregnancy where we get to hold a healthy baby at the end like that that picture in my head gives me a lot of hope but gosh so much fear next one we have is we expect too much from each other i don't know if we currently are but i think that's something that we have slipped into in the past for sure yeah i i don't think we current i agree we're not currently expecting too much i i would agree that we have expected too much for each other for sure for sure because i think like because i think we both see everything that we do it's like yo i'm doing all of this how are you just doing that yeah because we're not aware of what the other one's doing we are aware but i think we also just supposed to have different capacities yeah and it's it's like common i think in marriage for people to yeah they see everything that they're doing and then they are like how's my spouse not doing this or they're not prioritizing the things that i want to prioritize and i think it comes down to needing to have more communication about those things and also being flexible adjusting your expectations yeah um next we have flirting is cheating i'm gonna say disagree getting back into the juice yeah i'm gonna say i'm gonna say disagree i'm gonna say disagree because here's the thing cheating is actually i'm gonna say i'm gonna say sorry i'm gonna say straw or is there a strongly disagree i'm gonna say strongly disagree okay but here's it doesn't make it okay doesn't make it okay i think flirting is flirting i think flirting is not okay it bugs me this is actually a big thing that i've realized it bugs me when i hear that someone has cheated on their spouse and then you find out that they like had an emotional affair where they were like had an emotional they were talking with someone that's not cheating in my opinion and luckily we've never both we've both never had that ever happen even close in our marriage but like in my book cheating is effing another person in my book but also having an emotional affair is not okay exactly so exactly but i think you need to call it an emotional affair call it what it is but it's still not okay exactly so it's like call it flirting with someone that's not your spouse not okay call it emotional i like that you're you said that you can flirt with your spouse because i think that is something that people forget to do with their spouse oh yeah we flirt i like to flirt with you you do flirt with me i think you're hot i think i probably need to flirt with you more i like flirting with you but yeah i just think let's call it cheating that's just like let's can we just have a clear definition of cheating please well i think other people have a clear definition in their mind but for you it's just sexual and i think for me too i think for most people it's sexual adultery adultery but adultery is not cheating well adultery is cheating but it's all cheating adultery no we've changed so much that we're not the same people we married oh my gosh strongly agree strongly agree strongly agree we're both completely different how could you not be after a decade gosh a decade is this babe this summer in june one decade together how unreal yeah wow um one of us carries most of the mental load in the relationship gosh i just don't feel that way i know i'm kind of breaking the rule if i'm not doing the countdown and and showing i'm gonna say disagree i'm gonna say disagree it's just we just carry different mental loads yeah i'm gonna say disagree i'm gonna say i think you're thinking about like you're thinking about things that are important milk in the fridge yeah and i'm and you're thinking about money in the bank account exactly that's actually the most the best way to put it really yeah like money to buy the milk i'm thinking about the milk like sometimes i think you get caught up in oh my god like we don't have milk we just like our house is a mess all this and i'm like i'm like babe we are good like i i'm i looked at the bank account we're good i think it's just different mental burdens yeah gosh we only have a couple questions left okay these are good ones spending your whole life spending your whole life spending your whole life with one person is overwhelming i'm actually gonna say strongly disagree i think what's overwhelming is the thought of you not being here because i just have written you into every corner of my life at this point that it's like whoa i'd have to rewrite my entire life at this point if you weren't there i think it'd be harder to like bounce around all the time go different places like to have to fill someone in on all of our history yeah do i have to tell someone oh this is what my aunt's name is this is what happened to my dog that i had in eighth grade like there it's just i would not want to go and you can't rebuild that how i mean like think about how how the heck would i teach other people what i like in the bedroom you know after all why is that what keeps getting brought up it was like the show nobody wants this we do like to have to we actually do like to talk about sex if you guys don't know that we we have talked about it a lot on the podcast i've seen some comments they're like why are they talking about sex all the time it's like because we like to talk about it let us let us let us let us let us talk about what we want to talk about it's our podcast no that was actually on nobody wants this she was engaged this guy and they were like at dinner with friends and it came up that he had a twin brother and she goes you have a twin brother and he goes yeah she's like why did i not know that and he goes you never asked she's like that's not something i should have to ask yeah that is weird comes up dude that would be weird like if you had a twin that would be weird that would that just would be that just wouldn't that not be weird like i don't know how people like people that are married to twins are you telling me you would be attracted to an exact copy of me a hundred percent whoa a hundred percent that was fun with the broken and bailey episode we got them to admit that they've both been like it's weird it can be weird then i i like that they acknowledge it was weird you know because broken and bailey look the exact same so how how could their husbands not find the other one kind of different okay very subtly okay but like they've even filmed youtube videos where the husbands got confused that's playing with fire they yeah they confused their husband i thought that was that was hilarious that is a good one ballsy to do that okay that was a good one and finally last but not least i wish i had kissed someone else before marriage so for those of you that don't know we actually really only kissed each other before marriage but let me let's give a caveat you did in truth or dare in seventh grade in seventh grade and we also both did for theater but the guy you kissed was gay so it doesn't count the girl you kissed was also gay so i guess do we know that we know that i don't know we're not gonna speak for them but yeah and i don't know if that makes it not count either yeah you know it counted it counted so we kiss other people okay let's just say agree come on who can say that the curiosity yes agree i wish i'd kiss someone else before i kissed you why not i think we have something really special because we haven't so maybe i will say disagree wait why would you say wait you went from agree to disagree because it's really special that we haven't yeah yeah but we also have like it it's like how are you what's the clarification i guess i don't hold that much weight to what my lips touching another person's lips so maybe agree because it sounds kind of yeah it sounds like it would have been kind of fun on new year's eve to just kiss a random dude that i never saw again totally yeah that's what i'm saying like that was a prank i pulled on you in high school you did pull that prank and i i made me sad but i but i also thought you actually did it see it made you sad you , yeah remember your friends were like laughing because they were like you really got me i really believe that you'd kiss another dude oh that's actually kind of mean it's okay it's all good i didn't want to make you sad it's okay it's okay okay no but i think i'm talking about before we dated well i think i agree i just think that like i was too afraid to ask girls out i think i had this moment though the reason i asked you out is it was like my 18th birthday and i was like i'm becoming a man i need to grow a pair and ask this girl out on a date you know so like it it sparks something in me that's cute but like i wish i would have been a little bit more bolder when i was younger to not be afraid that wasn't my issue to not be afraid and i and i and i say that knowing that i'm like i'm glad that i married you and i and i right hope that right we can understand that i would have broken up with that safe space for you it's a safe space but you know i think it's just like yeah i would say um the i think i think it's funny if you kissed another guy i had really strong boundaries when i dated with guys and i think i was kind of unique in that i've i was always like don't do this don't do this don't do this and um i'm glad that i've had that confidence to do that as a teenager i think that that was kind of unique but also heck it would have been kind of funny yeah i think i would have loved to hear the story yeah if you would have actually no actually it would have been funny if you would have actually kissed a dude on new year's when we were dating no that would have been rude because we were dating that would have been a funny story to tell though that would have been disrespectful guys thank you so much for tuning in for another episode of unplanned if you haven't already hit the like button or subscribe we'd really appreciate you to join this community i think most of you that watch the episodes actually aren't even subscribed so definitely hit subscribe and we'll see you this is so inappropriate we really sent it today we really sent we really did i think we are on the same page yeah we are i feel better about our marriage than i've ever felt about it ever love you love you too pink panther here coach and spotify are teaming up to bring music and style together and they want you to be part of it grab your friends and head to the tabby tour hitting cities around the country with live performances from special artists exclusive experiences and personalized products and discover custom playlists on spotify but just for you based on who you are and how you listen live your story with coach learn more at coach.com coca-cola for the big for the small the short and the tall peacemakers risk takers for the optimists 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