Married Couple Answers Your Relationship Dilemmas (Cheating, Performance Anxiety, & Sleep Divorce)

Thank you to Quince for sponsoring this portion of today's episode. Let me tell you the seasons are changing. It's starting to be time that we can get out our denims again. We can get out our sweaters and there is no better place than Quince. So many of the things I'm constantly reaching for in my closet to layer up, dress up, dress down, come from Quince because they have very, very high quality products. I'm talking 100% Mongolian cashmere. They have silk organic cotton wool. They have those premium fabrics, but at an amazing price. Everything at Quince is actually priced 50 to 80% less than similar brands and that is because they work directly with ethical factories, hunting out the middle man. So you're paying for high quality, not brand markup. Actually just last night Matt was telling me that he grabbed his shorts. I don't fit my clothes up and hitting the gym and so I need new clothes. He bought me Quince swim trunks that are really high quality. I wear them all the time when we go on the pool with the boys. I'm excited to see what she picks out from Quince for me next. Your nice khaki shorts are from Quince. With the khaki that I wear like literally every day. Yep. Those are from Quince. You don't even know where your clothes are from, but if you had to guess they're probably from Quince because I love shopping their min section as well for Matt. You can wear them in many different ways for many different seasons. Find your next fall favorites at Quince. Download the Quince app for app exclusive offers or go to Quince.com. Get free shipping on your order and 365 day returns now available in Canada and the UK too. And when Quince asks you where you heard about them, let them know that unplanned sent you. It's the best way to support the show. My friend fully cheated on her fiancee at my bachelorette. Do I say anything? What does that even lie? I've never been to a bachelorette party like that. My significant other is struggling with confidence right now. It's starting to give me the egg. What? Skim some action. Nothing makes me more confident in getting laid. That builds the man's confidence. My spouse's farts smell so bad I have to sleep in a different room. Who would you do if say I had a farting problem? Let's say you. Hey guys real quick just wanted to thank you for tuning into another episode of unplanned. Did want to bring up though that most of you are not subscribed to the show. So if you haven't subscribed yet, please do that right now. It's so easy. It's free while you're at it. If you can leave us a review on Apple Podcast, we'd really appreciate that as well. And we'll be reading review from what if you guys at the end of today's show. Thank you so much. What is up dudes? Welcome back to unplanned your favorite podcast. We are so happy that you guys are here. I think we're bringing back what's up dudes. I didn't fill you in already. Yeah, I found that out like the last episode. But guys, today we are answering. I like you're sure by the way. Thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you, Addy, for getting him this shirt for Christmas. Thank you, Addy. I have one as well. But we decided that when Matt just organically came downstairs that I wasn't going to change, but I'll have to wear mine for upcoming. My favorite picture is you slapping your butt cheek right here and your blue bikini. I taught the kids that mood. Yes. Okay, but today we are answering your relationship to Lemma's that you guys submitted on the unplanned podcast Instagram. Thanks to everyone that sent in questions. And thanks to everyone following the unplanned podcast Instagram. We got some really, really wild ones actually. So let's just put this friendly reminder out there that this is completely unqualified advice. Yes, we are not experts if you didn't know that. You can't tell by the shirt that I'm wearing. We're just, we're just a couple that loves each other and we've been together for about a decade. We've gone through many dilemmas. I guess that gives us a little bit of credentials. You know, I heard recently from Mel Robbins is a relationship is like two people in a boat and it's just about like keeping the balance. Yeah, keeping the balance and stick it like staying to get like there's gonna be times that one of you wants to leave the boat like there's gonna be times and she talks about that. Yeah, because I think I want to say Mel has been married to her husband for a long time, but like there's just times you hit and relationships where things get really tough and it's just you have to choose to work through it and choose to love each other through the tough times. I don't maybe there's a unicorn out there that has like a perfect relationship and they never encounter challenges, but I think that the people that act like they don't have challenges in the relationship are just liars. No, I think there's a certain personality type where like maybe they won't bring it up. Oh, we're sorry. You kind of avoid complex like that. They just avoid. Yeah. Yeah, that's true. That's good. Yeah, as someone that does bring things up often, that lifestyle honestly sounds kind of nice to me. Like that sounds like they're taking the high road, but there's probably it's probably better to be open and honest. Yeah. Sometimes it's just a lot of work, gosh dang it. Yeah, but I did see a video recently. It was a man just saying like I feel like it's a balance, right? Like talking about marriage in a way that is like okay, like let's be real about it. Like if you experience conflict in your marriage, please don't think that your marriage has to be over. Yeah. And there's like seasons and waves obviously. But then also this guy was like I feel like we're really good at hounding how difficult marriage is. Like I genuinely like love being with my wife. I don't get sick of her. I want to be with her all the time. What? He's like other things in life get hard, like our kids, our work, our life circumstances, but I just like genuinely love being with my wife. And I don't understand people that don't or get sick of their spouse. And I'm like that's a really good message to also say that's a good message. I think I really appreciate the like negative nellies though, because then also like when you're in a season of tough things, it are you, what are you doing with your life? I'm stretching a little bit. You're stretching your hip, your hip out. You got a sore, you got a sore hip right now from the gym. You keep like I just feel like you're like you don't want to distract you. Anyway, how was I even saying? Yeah, I love negative nellies. I love the negative nellies though, because like they make you recognize that life isn't easy. And life is hard and therefore, you know, in your relationship, you're going to encounter hard life circumstances and you have to work through them. Maybe that's because you're like internally and optimized more, but you're like like that. And then I'm like, no, yeah, when things aren't going right, I'm like, what the heck? Like it bothers me, because it's like I think everything I expect that I expect for good things to happen. So when bad things happen, I'm like, what's what's going on here? Yeah, what's wrong? Well, not to say we are not professionals, but we are not trusting us with your crises. We have entered many a crisis, you know? Yes. And I anticipate many more crises, but maybe that's just because I'm a pessimist. Am I a pessimist? We've been through some crazy ups and downs through our time, through the last decade. Gosh, this summer in June will be a decade together, babe. Some of these are light though, too. Don't think that this is going to be like the darkest episode. Today, we're talking about death. Here's the first one. And I actually pre-read this one, I'm not sure where we should take this advice, but it says, my friend fully cheated on her fiancee at my bachelor red. And they went through with the marriage. Do I say anything? What's okay? My first hang up there. I've never been to a bachelor red. You got to say something. Oh, yeah, what is that even like? I've never been to a bachelor party like that. My was recent bachelor party went to we stayed at the Airbnb and painted pictures of her fiancee. Like we all had a hit like painted my, my first bachelor party experience was like my, my older brother got home from like a mission trip and we didn't even, I don't even think we drank beer. Like I don't even know it's so tape. This girl's bachelorette seemed to be a little bit more crazy and her friend cheated. And then they went through with the marriage. So now we have to assume that they're already married. Hold up. Does her friend's spouse know? Because that's a huge. Because she said, do I say anything? Oh gosh, this is so bad. That's definitely a true story. I know this isn't helpful for you, but this should maybe be advice for other people that find themselves in a situation in the future. The time to say something is before they're married and it's to your friend to encourage her to be honest with her fiancee. Yeah, I think, I think you need to enter into a marriage into a marriage with honesty. You don't go in with keeping secrets of cheating. No, I think that, that would be considered a lie by omission. Like by not telling him that is a lie and he's entering into a marriage on lies. Also too, I'm thinking through this. Like I've heard of couples where someone like cheated long ago early in their relationship and then it eventually came out. And then they get divorced. Yeah. So it's like, I think before you marry someone, if you did cheat on them, you need to tell them. Like that's, that's not, that's not something like, oh, I'll conveniently save that for like after we get married. And then we'll be more stable. No, it's like you're building your, you're building your foundation of you guys on lies. I think that's going to hurt them even more. Like I think they would have more respect for you. Like it's going to come out at some point. So it's like they would have more respect for you just to say what you did rather than like keep that a secret if that makes it. I would say certainly do not say anything to her husband. Gosh. Wait, oh, save the friend first. And if she doesn't say something, then would you say something? I don't think so. I feel like that's not your mess. That's not your mess. I would have a sit down conversation with your friend. Yeah. You need to tell him. A very serious conversation with your friend. Yeah. But gosh, if she's like, I'm not going to tell him. How about the bride cheated on the bash? Well, here's what I say. Like if she's like, I'm not going to tell him. It's not, no, no, it's not the bride. Oh, my gosh. That details are confused. Some of the details got lost. It was a bridesmaid that she did on her own fiance. And then they still got me. She's also engaged at the same time. I get it. It's confusing. But say for instance, that friend's like, I'm not going to tell him. Then I think it's probably very fair of you to say like, I can't be your friend anymore because this isn't something like I support. Like that's really crazy. Also, wow, that wasn't a very good friend move at your bachelor's. Yeah. It's your bachelor's. It's not her time to go hook up with guys that are not her fiance. Or at all. Honestly, it's kind of your time to be with girl friends. Yeah. And you know, it really depends on the friend group. I don't know. Some friend groups probably do that. Like there's probably we'd ever ran around with a friend group that was like, go swim hooked up with last night. That was never our lived experience. But I'm sure there are friend groups like that. Okay. I don't want to make him feel worse, but it's starting to give me the egg. What can I do to keep our relationship strong while he's struggling to find his footing again? So I've been listening to how to win friends and influence people. And you're going to get nowhere if you just tell your boy for and that you're disgusted or that you're bothered by his lack of competence. The only way you're gonna get what you want is by using encouragement to encourage transformation. And I think it's way more effective and better for everyone to like lead with the carrot, not the stick. You don't wanna be forcing them. - Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. We introduce carrots and- - Do you know that term, like lead with the carrot, not the stick? - No. - Like leading with the carrot is like basically using positive reinforcement. Leading with the stick is negative reinforcement. And I think positive reinforcement wins 9 out of 10 times. - And we'll don't hit him with the stick. - Basically don't hit your boyfriend with the stick is what we're trying to say. - Yeah, I think this is maybe hard to hear, but if you're significant others struggling with confidence, your feelings are valid that that's like not, especially as a woman looking to her man, like that definitely isn't something that's like attractive. That's not attractive quality. I think ultimately women are attracted to confidence. - Yeah, yeah, true. - And I've said that for a while. - I feel like the times you've been least, and to me, when I'm not confident myself. - Hey. - I'm sorry, the honest answer is true. You literally just said it, women are attracted to confidence. - Yeah, okay, so that's a valid feeling that you're experiencing. We should say that. But also, it's hard to take yourself out of that equation, but you kind of need to at this point, like if he's like struggling, like take yourself out and like your job is to build your partner up. And obviously that doesn't all fall on you, but like you're both mutually supposed to be doing that. - Yeah. - And so find a way to encourage, do things to build this confidence. - Like find things that he's doing that are boosting his confidence. What? - Just give him some action. - Nothing makes me more confident in getting laid. - That feels, that feels the man's confidence. - Yeah, it really does. - No, but then also, I think resources too, like encourage like an up mentor, or like hanging out with your friends even resources. Like there's podcasts. - Wait, why is that the biggest confidence booster for me? I don't know why. - I know, it's worked for you in the past. - Yeah, it does. - It definitely helps. It's not gonna solve the problem. - I know, it solves all my problems, honestly. - It doesn't solve it. - Thank you to Haya for sponsoring this portion of today's episode. It is a part of our every single daily routine in the morning for our kids to get their little Haya jar out of our cabinet that they decorate it specifically themselves with their little stickers and enjoy their Haya vitamin. They really kind of treat it like candy. They think it's candy, but it's so much better than other children's vitamins that are basically just that. - Oh yeah, I mean typical children's vitamins are basically candy into skies filled with five grams of sugar, unhealthy chemicals, and other gummy junk. Growing kids should never eat. And that's actually why Haya was created. It's a super-powered, chewable vitamin formulated with the help of pediatricians and nutritional experts. 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So, go to hayahealth.com/unplanned and get your kids the full-body nourishment they need to grow into healthy adults. - This one says, "My partner is always on their phone on their day off. How do we set a boundary when most of the time it's for work?" She put working quotes. - That's tricky. I think you just need to create like a no-phone time and I think you would buy by that rule too. Maybe you can just come to them in a kind way, right? Like if you're going in with anger, if you're going in with all this frustration with them, you're not going to get the result that you want. You're not going to get the change you want. But if you go in and be like, "Hey, I love you so much and I want to connect with you on a deeper level." And so, I think it'd be good if maybe on your days off, we have no screens, no phones, time together, we can just talk, we can go on a walk, we can play cards, we could do whatever. And I just want it to be time to focus on our relationship because I care about you so much. And then now you just got what you wanted without creating a fight. I love how you said that using eye statements 'cause I think that's really important going into this. Instead of being like, "You're always on your phone." Well, like instead of that automatically puts them on the defense, whereas like if you go in and you're like, "I want to hang out with you." Like I'm craving time with you. I think that they'll be more responsive to that. - I've been listening to some Dave Ramsey and a quote that he said, which I don't think he came up with this myself, but it's something along the lines of, those convinced against their will of the same opinion still. - I thought that was like Tom's Jefferson. - Yeah, Dave quoted some other dude. - Oh, okay. - I forget who it was. Maybe he was a woman, you know? - Or I was the same opinion still. Yeah, like they said. - Yeah, like so if you convince someone, like you got to have different phone usage and they're like begrudgingly agreeing with you and like they're gonna have a grudge. They're gonna be-- - Maybe lead by example too. - Yeah. - Yeah, this is becoming more and more of an issue and that's why they created a product. I think it's called the brick and I was literally telling Matt about this. I don't fully understand it, but you like stick something on your phone and it like makes your phone like not have the fun qualities. - Yeah. - Like the addictive qualities like during the day. Like you could brick it on your day off. You could brick it like during like the times that your kids are away. - Brick it, just brick it. - And then Matt was like, that's the stupidest thing I've ever heard in my life. And I was like, no, I think that's kinda cool. - I'm looking at my screen time right now 'cause I'm actually so curious what it is. - Okay, this isn't even fair 'cause you've been playing so much Minecraft. - Okay, easy. - And that's why you want to pull it up right now. - Easy, easy. - That's pretty popular and great because it's spending it all on the slides. - Okay, I'm sorry. My brother's and I like to play Minecraft together. - You've been playing independently and that's why I had to set that boundary for you. - Every once in a while, I like to do a little Minecraft on my own. Okay, I have a farm going. - Since I've said to do it, I have a shoe farm, a cow farm, and carrots. There's carrots. - Have you been doing it independently? - I think I might have snuck in in the past week, maybe an hour or two of independent play. - See, that was probably two to four hours. - But here's the thing babe, and I don't wanna start an argument, but I think my screen time, including my craft, is lower than yours. Boom, boom. - Sorry, that probably, that's not the way to see. I should have introduced that in a completely different way. (laughs) - I don't even think that's necessarily true. - I wish I was funnier. Here's the thing, like if I was funnier, if I could get you to laugh right now, I feel like you would just make, like anytime we have a conflict, if I could just make you laugh, I think that would solve 99% of our problems. My brother, when my mom would get on my brother, we were kids, he would make my mom laugh and she'd like forget she was mad. And I could never do it. Like I would say something stupid, and my mom would get like extra mad at me. - Yeah. - So I actually, maybe I need to take some comedy classes. Can I say my screen time? I'm actually really sharing. - Go ahead of my phone. - So my screen time, this is from the past week. My daily average is six hours, 48 minutes, which that's actually, that's higher than I thought, but then I realized, oh, I work on my phone. So Google, on my phone, and my computer. So Chrome is an hour and 36 minutes. This is like my daily average, I guess. And I think that's chat speed, see, messages is-- - So you're spending an hour on chat, GBT? - Oh yeah, I'm talking to chat all day long. Messages, I spend an hour and a half messaging people. I spend an hour and 20 minutes on FaceTime, and that's usually like with our editor reviewing TikTok Swing Out, YouTube videos, podcast stuff. Screen sharing is an hour and six minutes of that FaceTime call amount. Or maybe is that an addition? Am I spending two hours and 26 minutes a day on FaceTime with her team? - Probably. - Actually, yeah, probably. But yeah, and then I spend an hour a day writing stuff in my notes folder. So I spend an hour writing in my notes. Isn't that crazy? - Or least your notes just pulled up at least. - Yeah, it's just like writing stuff now. - Oh, Matt, thank you for sharing that. - You're welcome. - I'm very proud of you. This next one is funny, and I feel like it's personal. - Basically, my screen time in my working, I would say. - Yeah, because you've been playing a lot of my-- - Oh, that's true. Yeah, I do probably play an hour of Minecraft every day right now. - Minimum. - With my brothers. - My spouse's fart smells so bad that I have to sleep in a different room. - What do I do? - Oh, wow, that sounds so weird. - That's awful. If they're really staking, I mean, you might need to have some boundaries, you know? (laughing) - What would you do if I, if say I had a farting problem to make, what would you do if I-- - Oh, let's say you had a fart. (laughing) - I thought it was a situation in Matt Howard that's a farting problem. - Oh my God. - That was a thing. - I feel like farting. (laughing) - For me, there's certain times of the day where I'm like a fart is acceptable. There's certain times where I'm like not acceptable. - See, every time I fart in front of the kids, they laugh so hard. And I love, like, it's actually make me want to fart more if anything. It just, it gives them a little chuckle. - But I don't like your-- - I don't want to do more. - I go, oh, it tuted. (laughing) - What is it? - I don't know. - They both love it so much. - And they're participating as well. - And what's funny, babe, is I just did a brother trip with my dad and my, both my brothers. Everybody was farting so much. - I don't understand that this is genetic. - It's from my dad and my, both my brothers got high. I don't understand. - I've heard all of them in your family fart many times and it is so scary. (laughing) But I will say, if we're gonna really go there, yours really don't tend to smell that bad. - Thank you, baby. - Except for in the car, I hate when you do it in the car. - Hey, and there we go, they're not stinky. - If they smell so bad that you have to sleep in a different room, I would say the goal is to sleep in the same room. So maybe. - Did you know my dad installed a fart pad and it's farting? - I know, I know, I know. I didn't think-- - He's like, guys, it's such a genetic thing. My dad literally put a pad underneath his seat or on his seat to help absorb them. - Every time I drive your dad's car. - I don't like sitting on his fart pad. - I don't like sitting on it. - I move that thing. - I can't believe this is going public. - This is something that should not. - Hey, if we talk about it. - No, he would be proud. - Do you talk about his fart battle of the podcast for sure? - He would, I feel, yeah. - We gotta bring you, should we bring my parents back? Let me know in the comments if you guys would consider a podcast. - John and Teresa back. If you guys want John and Teresa to come back on the pod, let us know. - So what I would say is gosh, okay, it seems really important that you find a way to eventually get back in the same room. So maybe suggest Bino. - What is Bino? - You take Bino and then there will be no gas. - That's an actual thing you can say for fart. - You get it from CBS, Walmart, and there. - You're pulling my leg right now. - No, I don't know. - Bino, what type of, what type of name is Bino? - It's the name of it, it's memorable. - Bino, how do you spell Bino? - Then maybe try and know his plug for you, because. - Oh my gosh. - Yeah. - It's real, B-E-A-N-O. - Yeah, my friend, I have a couple of friends that take that. - Maybe I just need to buy this for me, my dad and my brother. - That's why I always say take medicine. (laughs) - You're right. Honestly, I think it'd be helpful. - It's so crazy. - We need to start time out this. - We don't want to hear about this anymore. - I'll start taking B-E-N-O guys, and then we won't have to talk about this anymore. - Now be my advice. - Okay. - Okay, my husband is experiencing performance anxiety, slash low libido, now that I'm pregnant, any advice. - I would not take it personally. - Oh. - Like if he's dealing with that, he could be depressed, depression makes sure he'd be able to go down, but I could see how that would be hurtful though, right? Am I right? - Well, it seems like she is thinking, at least she believes that it's fully because that she, she's pregnant. - Ah, okay. - So do you have any advice? - Sorry, I just added B-E-N-O to our Amazon cart, and I'm making, I'm purchasing B-E-N right now. I'm using the buy now feature. - I feel like this is probably a common thing. There's just a lot, it's like you're loving a whole new person. Like it's different, especially the more the pregnancy progresses, things change in your sex life. I feel like people don't talk about that, but things change, they have to change. - For some women, it makes them want to do it more, some women make them want to do it less. - It's a hormone change. - Yeah, so it's like you're dealing with new hormones, your body's changing drastically. - Things don't feel the same. - And honestly, like maybe for him, he's just like getting used to this new version of you, and I think, you know, letting him get used to that is fine. Obviously, I think it would be like, crappy of him to say negative things about you, like that should only be the case. He should only be encouraging you and loving you through all that change. - My suggestion would be to find new fun ways to do it. - Oh, find new ways to do it. - So it feels separate. Like say whatever you do normally, like you do something totally different. - Totally. - When you're pregnant. Is that bad advice? - Oh, it's good advice. - And it feels like, okay, we're not trying to do this, we're not trying to get to the sex life that we had before. Things are different now, so let's do something different. And then it feels like you don't have that expectation of what it's supposed to look like. - Yeah, and new positions are fun too. Like you don't, doing something different. Like, I think you have to though. Like the same positions are gonna work. I mean, at least, yeah. And then it can be maybe more exciting for him and like that might affect his libido. - Yeah, wait, that's actually really good advice. Like when it comes to intimacy, tell him you wanna try out a new position with him. That'll get him excited. - I think that would be fun. - That's actually really good advice. - Thank you. - We were able to get there. - Thank you. - Yeah, you're smart. You should be a therapist. - No, you'd be great. - You would be great. - You would be. - You should, Abby, you're so freaking smart. You would get your degree. You'd get all A's in the therapy classes. Come on, come on now. If you really wanna be a therapist. - I have too many of my own problems. - If you wanted to be a therapist, you would be an incredible therapist. - Thank you, honey. My husband's job requires us to be a part five and a half days of the week. - Gosh. - Any date night suggestions for intentional connection? - I have one. - I was gonna suggest that they sex each other. Is that bad? - My gosh, Matt, you can't give only sex advice. - But that's like, if they're away for six, they're almost away six days. - I'm sure they're already doing that, okay? - They're probably already doing that. - I think if you're like looking for intentional connection, it doesn't really matter exactly what you're doing. If you're going to dinner, if you're going for a drive, if you're, like I'd say probably avoid screens at this point, like if you're together only a day and a half out of the week, probably my best suggestion is not to watch something 'cause that's not gonna be intentional connection. There's decks of cards you can get that have like intentional conversation starters. That sound so cheesy, but I swear once you get to a good one that like sparks a conversation, you won't be looking at the cards anymore. - Even though like I think like we're together all the time, I even like, I like doing those. I'll pull them up in my phone. - I also think you have a unique opportunity to be like extremely intentional because you do only have a day and a half. So, and I think that the dates that I remember the most for us are the ones that are like the most planned out in the sense that like it's set apart from a regular date night than just like going out to eat, one time we went to like a painting class. Something that's like different from what you normally do is something you're gonna remember more. - Yeah. - And it's not because you need to have like this big budget or do something crazy every time, but just something that's slightly different than like normal. - Our creative dates in college when we were newlyweds were the funnest thing ever. Like on Valentine's Day, I walked in the door and you had like sprinkled hearts all over our living room. You made like a fort out of our couch and some chairs and a blanket. I think you've been like made of, yeah, we, that's a vlog that's on our YouTube channel 'cause I think you've vlogged that too, but that just made me feel so special. And it was a nat home date. It was so cheap. You made pizza from scratch. Like, yeah, I think you can just like switch things up and do that. Like if you're-- - We watched the basketball game one time. I made like a whole basketball themed date. - Yeah, and if like if you're born on a budget, like at home dates can be so much fun. - Yes, but all that to say, make it separate from what you normally do if you want it to be like, it kind of just jogs you out of the typical and so it keeps it fresh and fun. - Yeah. - Thank you NutriFold for sponsoring this portion of today's episode. I am currently in a stage where I'm trying to grow my hair out and I feel like a lot of the women I talk to now kind of go through these same changes together. You get an urge to chop your hair and then you gotta spin the next several months growing it back out. But I think it's good to do this 'cause then you're growing out healthier hair, especially if you are supplementing with NutriFold. And that's the thing. 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So you get support that's actually right for you. - Let your hair become one less thing taking up space in your head and see thicker, stronger, faster going hair with less shedding in just three to six months with NutriFold. - For a limited time, NutriFold is offering our listeners $10 off your first month subscription and free shipping when you go to NutriFold.com and enter promo code UnplannedPod. That's NutriFold.com spelled N-U-T-R-A-F-O-L dot com promo code UnplannedPod. My husband won't move from our home state because he doesn't want to leave his family. Help. - That's so tough because I can totally see both sides of that. - I guess this one is a little hard because it's like what's your motivation for wanting to move other than I have to just assume she just wants changed. - I think it's important that you establish a time that you are going to move. Maybe your husband values his home state so much that you agree that in the next decade, you only get two years away or something. 'Cause I think it's wrong to completely ignore someone in that scenario 'cause I can feel myself on the side of wanting to move. Me moved out of Missouri to Hawaii. That was originally the idea that I suggested and you agreed and you got excited too, but it wasn't more so than you since I didn't grow up traveling nearly as much as you grew up traveling. The idea of being at the beach on an island was just the craziest dream I could ever even imagine, especially after we visited there for a week and had the time of our lives and I got to go surf and we went on so many cool hikes. - You know, I feel like I can't actually give advice on this one because it's so nuanced. There's so many things to this. - I feel like you should probably seek an individual marriage counselor. - I think you should go to, that's actually a great answer. Honestly, for all of these, I think if this is a situation you're in, definitely go talk to an actual expert. You need somebody that really knows what they're doing, but yeah, I think that you can't just completely ignore either your feelings or his feelings. You can't just plainly choose someone's side. So something that I've appreciated is like Abby knows how much I loved living in Hawaii, so she's always jokingly but kind of seriously said, "Hey, maybe that's where we move to when we're empty nesters or whatever." And that makes me feel so good knowing that she's considering my wants, my desires. I think you just need to both do that for each other. - Yeah, I'm like, "Yes, Matt, 20 years from now." (laughing) - 20 years. - My husband's love language is not physical touch, which makes me feel unattractive any advice. - I don't even know what to say 'cause I feel like that is my love language. - Like you're kind of making some assumptions here is what it feels like. - Yeah. - It's like he's not touching me all the time, so he thinks I'm ugly. I don't think that those two things naturally, I don't think that makes, yeah. - Click together. - 'Cause your brother clearly loves your sister-in-law, but he's not a physical touch guy. He would never be like, "Oh, babe, come here." - Don't fill in narratives where they're not there. - He probably hates your guts, it's like what we're good. - No. - That's what we're saying. He's like, "He's probably loved you." - What is she? - Wait. (laughing) - It's like messing with me. - Okay. - It's not messing with me, I know he doesn't like me. - This is so funny. I love that you're over here listening to him. Hello. - Everyone's way of showing affection is different. So I'm just saying like, basically don't make that assumption. - Yeah, I would say you can't take this one personally. Has nothing to do with you. I think it's just, he probably expresses his love in different ways. And if that's something that is a true issue for you, I think you should consider either talking about that openly through a mentor, through, you know, especially a therapist. I don't know. - I thought you could just tell your husband like, I like to cuddle more or like, let's pull the hands. - Maybe it's that simple. Maybe I'm making this way to complicate it. Maybe it's just really that simple. Hey, I really want to express. - I wonder if you have asked him like, hey, I like to love to hold hands. - Are they all husbands and wives? It's mainly husbands and wives. Yeah, I think you should just express that to him. Like, hey, it means a lot to me when we do this. And like, when you-- - I love when we hold hands. - Yeah, and I feel loved. - Or when we cuddle on the couch. - I feel loved when we, or I feel loved when you, and use it when encouraging, like, find something they're doing right and encourage the crap out of that. Like, maybe he's playing with your hair nonchalantly when you're on the couch together, but he's not, like, really-- - Well, it sounds like this guy doesn't do that. - I don't know. I'm just trying to think of, like, if there's any inkling of anything he's been right, praise the crap out of him for the things he's been right, 'cause he can encourage me to do more of that. - Yeah, but also, like, I think, look internally, like, if your husband is fully responsible for you feeling beautiful or not. Like, obviously, that your spouse does play a big role in that. - Yeah. - But, also, like, on yourself, just be like, okay, I know, like, you can know in your heart that he finds you attractive. You're married to you for having sakes. Like, he spends all this time with you extremizing. Like, there's a lot of reasons you can think, like, I don't need to assume that I'm unattractive. But I just do think you can have an easy open conversation. Like, I prefer that if we're walking together, like, let's hold hands. - Yeah. - I would love to hug some more or throughout the day. Like, I feel like you could have an open conversation and I feel like any decent man would gladly try to accommodate that for you. - 100%. - I've been with my boyfriend for six years and we live together. What will actually change when we get married? - Honestly, not a lot. Like, am I wrong saying that? - I don't know. We never lived together before. - What really changes is a legal document, but I think maybe in addition to that legal document, it's like this massive commitment that you both have formally taken. So it probably, like, probably more secure. - I kind of laughed when you said it, but it is true. I don't think much will change when you get married. So, get married. (laughing) - I wish that we would have got married soon, or is that bad to say? - No. - If we would have, I don't know. I think it could have been more fun. Like, I know this is like wild, but like-- - I wish we would have gotten married later. - I definitely think we should have gotten married this summer when we got engaged. Seriously, like I think-- - Just got married. - I think it would have made my life better. I'm not kidding. I'm not kidding. - And then we would have been one more year married. - I love my college roommates, but like, I would totally take a year with you over a year with them. Is that bad to say? - They just came and-- - I love you Garrett and Brendan. - He's hurt their feelings. - I love my wife more. - Your day-to-day life won't change. But overall, like, it is a big, significant life. - Yeah. - But since you are already living together, that big change has probably already happened for the most part. My partner and I have been trying to decide to have baby number two, but we aren't financially stable. Should we hold off? - Yeah, I would. - Oh. - I think if you're already pregnant, or if you get pregnant by surprise, I think it's gonna be okay. I think you'll figure it out. I think it's just, 'cause you don't really have an option at that point. It forces your hand. But I think if you're trying to decide, maybe take six to 12 months to like, really hustle. Like both of you. Maybe it's taking on a second job. Maybe it's doing a side hustle that, you know, like finding a way that you can create a nest egg for that rainy day, 'cause a rainy day will come. I'm a nerd. I went to school for finance before I dropped out to make TikToks. So I just think that it's smarter to wait until you have some sort of safety net. - Can I be a devil's advocate? - Go for it. - Okay, so you have kids in the house for 18 years, on average. - For context, though, we did wait till we were financially stable to have kids. - Yes, we did. - But let me say this too. - Yeah. - If we would have gotten pregnant, it would have been fine. - True. - And I think family planning, like having, like I value having a family and starting a family so much that I almost placed it above the financials in a way. - No way. - Where it's like, okay. - Depends on, oh yeah. If you have financial situation. - Okay, so if you're 40 years old and time's running out to have a kid, have the kid. If finances are tough, you'll figure it out. Have the kid. - Yeah, there's a time in a place to put that in a financial situation. - But if you're 22 and just married, or let's say 25, this more of a simple age, you got another 15 years of time, so maybe take a year to get your finances on track. - Something else I would say, though, is that like, okay, what I was saying is you're a parent for 18, you have kids in the house for 18 years per child. You know what I mean? Your financial stability is not guaranteed. If you're financially stable, when you have a kid, 16 years from then, you're not, you're not guaranteed. - True. - But if you follow Dave Ramsey's baby, he steps, which I, like, I'm kind of, I'm low-key kind of like a closeted Dave Ramsey fan. Like, I was actually so-- - You're not closeted at all. - I was so excited to meet him when we met him, 'cause I like, I read his book with my house when we were in college. - I feel like we're pretty open about that. - Okay, whatever. I love Dave, he's a great, great advice. - Yeah, okay, I would say maybe wait, give it max 12 months and be really, really, really, like, discipline. - Why, why max 12 months? I was thinking minimum 12 months. - I think that's crazy to think, a minimum of pushing it off a year. I think that's crazy. - Really? - I would say be very, very, very disciplined for a short amount of time. - Like a year. - Yes. - Okay. - But very disciplined to expedite that process, as much as possible. - And it's gonna be a hard year, but I think you'll feel, think about the feeling that you will have any year when you have that nest egg, that emergency fund. - Yeah, and I'll provide a lot of peace. - A lot of peace, and then you're not using debt to pay your bills. You're not using, you're not going to debt. - I think that's really good advice. Because debt is going to stress you out. It's gonna take off years of your life. Like, you don't need that in your life. - My best advice, though, would be to be very rigorous for a short amount of time, rather than just like, we'll be kind of disciplined, and then put, like, for a longer amount of time. But, like, be rigorous and brutal for a short amount of time, if you're like trying to, like, go for baby number two. - Seriously, though? - But this is what's holding you back. - And it's not a big deal that you haven't read it, but I think every couple that is getting married should read Total Money Makeover by Dave Ramsey, or a similar financial book. Some sort of, like, personal finance book needs to be read by couples making a, like, a long term. - I feel like you should probably do a Ramsey one, 'cause it's just the most black and white. - Yeah, I think Dave Ramsey even says this in his book. It's like, it's just, it's your grandma's advice. Like, he didn't reinvent all this stuff. It's not something that he came up with. Like, it's pretty simple advice that people look over because in today's capitalist economy, we are marketed and sold so much. You get us to spend more to make the hyper-wealthy rich people, even richer, like, people just fall into these traps and the poor get poor and the rich get richer. So it's like, read a book about personal finance and it will change your life. - Mm, that's good advice. Yeah, Matt probably has good advice. I just like, also think a baby is a bigger decision. - Yeah, but if you're 25 and you win, so you're 26th under the baby, I think that's going to. - I think there's other factors that. - You got time. - Okay, this one is really tough. My mother-in-law smokes and my husband and I are struggling on how to communicate with her that we absolutely do not want smoking around the kids' thoughts. - I would just tell her, but tell her in a way that's not offensive to her. Make sure that she knows that you guys love her. Make sure she knows that you want to be around her and you want to spend a lot of time with her. You can play one yourself. You can say, hey, I'm just very worried about our kids' health and then being exposed to things like drinking, smoking, I just would really appreciate it. Just around the kids, you don't do that. - Yeah, I think that you. - It's not a big ask. - No, but I think it might be because think about it. If this guy was raised, okay, it says my mother-in-law. So I'm guessing this is a, what? I'm assuming that this is a wife writing in. And so say that her husband has this conversation with his mom and say she was also a smoker when she was raising him. It's kind of like saying the way you raise me, I also don't, you know, it's heavier than that, you know what I mean? But I do think you're right to not want that around your kid. Obviously, we know secondhand smoke now has a very direct impact on. 'Cause you can make the, that is a very direct impact on your kid being around them. I think you're a really good advice of saying like we want, our ultimate goal is that our kid is with you a lot. Like we love you and we want our kid to have a really good relationship with you. I think a line that I like to use a lot is like my name. Our number one job is to keep our kids safe. - And using high statements when you're talking about everything. Talk about yourself. Don't like, don't go in saying you, you, you, you, you, you. Say, I, I, I, I, I. - I'm assuming that parent to parent hopefully she can understand like your number one job is to keep your kid safe. And there are direct risks with secondhand smoke. And so if you just sit down and have that like hard conversation and I think you should also like preface it. Like don't just randomly say this one day, like when you're picking your kid up. Like that's not the time to say it. The time to say it is like hey, can we hop on a phone call? And not when you have like a time for your kid that's like your kid's about to be dropped off at their house. Like that's not the time to do it. Do it like, you know, at a gap in between. Like hey, can we hop on a call? I kind of have something that I want. I want to make sure I say it right. So I want to say it over the phone. Just so she knows already she comes prepared and she's not blindsided and gets defensive. Sure, he knows that something a little bit more sensitive is going to be talked about. And then I think that that would also just like prepare her to go in like with like, I don't know, some maturity into the conversation. And then yeah, and I think that's also a conversation probably for your certainly for your husband to have, not for you to have with your mother. Yeah, that's the rule that we go by. So if there's ever anything that we need to communicate to Abby's parents or my parents, whoever's kid it is is the person that talks to them. Don't miss Jay Shetty's new, Audible original series, Messy Love. Difficult conversations for deeper connection. Join Jay as he guides three couples toward a deeper understanding themselves and their relationship. This isn't about achieving perfect love, it's about practice love. In each episode, Shetty invites us into coaching sessions behind closed doors with couples navigating the complicated terrain of modern relationships. You'll witness raw moments of vulnerability as they work through resentment, broken trust, and generational patterns, no script, no filters, and no certainty of the outcome. Through these intimate sessions, J-Share's tools you can use to communicate with clarity and compassion, break painful cycles of blame and withdrawal, create emotional safety and rebuild trust, turn daily moments into rituals of appreciation. Emotional, inspirational, at moments even transformational, this is Messy Love. Listen to J-Shetty's new audible original series Messy Love, Difficult Conversations for Deeper Connection. Go to audible.com/MessyLove to start listening today. I work in behavioral therapy and while I love what I do when I get home, I mentally drained and never in the mood. I'm just so tired and I want to doom scroll and relax any advice. What I would say is doom scrolling is not relaxing you. We can look to research and know that that's not making you feel relaxed. If you feel the need to relax and like kind of like decompress after a really heavy, mentally draining job, do that. Take that time but make it intentional. So then you can show up then and your marriage and your family and your household like actually refreshed and it might also affect your mood. So like I would say maybe that's just seeing your car. Take a bath or shower together. That's a great advice. Take a bath together. Just talk. I love talking with you in the shower. Maybe she needs to be alone too. Maybe take a bath by yourself. Dang it. We were doing so. We took baths and showers together for so many days and row and then we got in a bad habit of not doing that. What happened? Why do we do that? She needs to be alone though. I seriously felt so much more connected to you. It's like we just had the most candid, fun conversations and we both have no clothes on. That is good advice but maybe you also need to take a bath by yourself. Maybe you just need to sit in your car and drink a fun drink by yourself and listen to music but like don't sit there and scrolls then you can like actually take a deep breath and then you know show up differently. Go on a walk. Breathe some fresh air. Do a couple things that like they don't even have to be long. Take five to ten minutes to yourself or say like maybe one day's pretty little hard. You're like I need like a good 30 minutes. I need an hour. I need to like go get my favorite drink and just listen to a podcast in the car. But I think that if you take that time intentionally and also set a limit on it and then check in like do I need a little extra time or do I feel better now like that will help you and so the evening doesn't just get away from you and you're not just like scrolling into oblivion and then your evening just seems to be like use unintentionally. Recently for me that's been going on runs. You're really good at doing that. You either take a bath or you journal or just don't help me. I was not good at running. Let's just put that out there. No you're really good at taking baths and journaling. Oh yeah thank you. Whenever you're stressed. I think that's I think that's a really healthy thing to do. Thank you. That's really nice. My high school sweetheart and I have been dating for five years and I want to get married at 23. He wants to wait until we're closer to 30. I told him we can compromise but we just can't seem to agree. Yeah I think you need to compromise. I think like if you're ready now and he's not till he's 30 like it's wrong for you just to say we're doing we're doing it now or it's never like I think that would be aggressive but I I think it'd be aggressive to just be like all right I have to wait on him to least 30. Thank you guys need to figure it out. I don't know they've been together for five years. I think you give him an ultimatum. Yeah that you just said don't be aggressive it's now or it's never like now as in like we need to go do a courthouse wedding like maybe it's the ultimate. Maybe it's like he literally wants to just at least get engaged. It might be an ultimatum of like hey if I'm not engaged within the next year year and a half like I'm moving on and and I and I love you and I I want this to work but like I have enough respect for myself and I know that I want to be married that like if you can't figure out yourself in the next 18 months I'm gonna have to move on and it's not personal. Yeah it does feel a little wrong that he wants to wait seven years. Seven years. Putting you at 12 years of dating. And look like we've talked to Arthur Brooks. That is 12 years of dating. Arthur Brooks is a as a harbor professor and expert that we had on the podcast and he talked about how when you're you know was it was it him or somebody else who talked about how your brain isn't fully developed so you're 25 so the marriages that happen at 25 and later are highly I think he was the one that said that yeah 25 and later that age for getting married you're less likely to divorce. I know but I think that doesn't I think there's some that happens if you date for like a really extended amount of time and I would consider five years is like already pretty long say 18 months. I would say here's let's have grace for this guy maybe he had a really poor example of marriage growing up and so he's like I don't want to get married until like XYZ because for him marriage looked like constant conflict it looked like resent like I don't know it could look like a more divorce. Yeah you know what I mean like it could look a lot of different ways but also he is responsible for you know kind of rewriting this is what marriage can look like for us and so yeah I do think an ultimatum is kind of fair um I I wouldn't say normally like if you're like I'm 23 and I want to get married but like you have been dating for five years so that kind of makes it a little different um I would definitely find married couple friends if you can to be friends with and that could probably ease some of his concerns and like fears. Yeah I think when I was like worried about having kids but we were living in Hawaii and around a lot of young families that just went to the beach with their families all that okay they got me so excited I was like I can't wait to take my kids to the beach and just like you know it made fatherhood seems so fun. That's sweet yeah I do think you should surround yourself with other married people which can be hard when you're young but it is possible. That would also probably help but I do think it's fair to have a really serious conversation about that if it's something that you want. My fiance has been unemployed for two months now and we're supposed to get married in August should we postpone the wedding. I don't think so. I don't unless there's financial concerns that are more than just that I think job losses is something that happens. I mean I guess the question I would ask is are you paying for the wedding because if if you're the ones paying for the wedding and it's not like your parents or one of your parents then maybe that's going to really affect things financially for you and maybe you make some changes to where the wedding is not as expensive if it's coming out of your pocket right. Well I have some deeper questions. Yeah go for it. Are you wondering if you should postpone the wedding because you're purely singularly worried about funding the wedding itself or are you noticing something in your partner that is kind of a red flag for like the future of your life together. Meaning like did he lose his job because he was not on time all the time and he wasn't doing his job well because he was being lazy or he was there was other concerns there and it's in this time that he's unemployed is he being very diligent and hardworking about finding it or was it like something that's like oh he lost his job just because the job made cuts and it's having a hard time like finding something but he's applying constantly he works really hard or is it more of like you're just noticing some concerns in your person that you're going to be married to. That's the first question I would ask is why did he lose a job. I think that makes a huge difference. It does happen a lot but if he lost the job because of something like that that is not good for his mom. You don't want to be this man's mom for the rest of life. If he lost his job because of his moral character oh yeah maybe it's maybe you really do reconsider you know this wedding right. The only thing that bothers me in our marriage is that he's not romantic enough. Any advice. Well I'm pretty romantic so you could probably give people some tips. I will say that I would say you are pretty romantic. Oh thank you. Yeah you're a pretty romantic guy. What do I do this romantic? What do I do? Why am I so romantic to you? You're very affectionate with your words. So I would say that like is romantic like you're very affectionate with your words. Actually Abby heard us talking other day. She overhear you. I was like boiling water and you're like something about like you're as hot as this water. Something that's so stupid and then she just started laughing. You're like oh you heard that. I remember I did. Yeah I said it was kind of goofy but you were like wow this water is like you boy it's like so hot like you're so I forget. I don't know what you said. It was something stupid like that. It was kind of stupid and silly and then I turned it back on you. I guess we'll consider that romantic. I'm like you super hot but it was like funnier than that. It was not that like. It was only funny because she overheard it. Well she did laugh. She did laugh at me. Maybe she just purely felt uncomfortable but you never know. But I come from a family where my dad was not romantic. I feel like my brother is also not romantic and you know what something I never question was the love that they have for their wives. So I think that maybe we need to also have a broader look especially since you're already married. Like this is one thing that is like endating. If this is like just a superficial preference you have then yeah you're allowed to have that preference. And marriage I think you can have a broader view of like okay. Yes he doesn't do X, Y or Z but I know that this man is like fiercely loyal. He will literally go fight a bear for me. Like he loves me. He will like go to the ends of the earth for me and I think that itself is romantic so we can have a different view of romance. Did we get the question? What was the question again? Did we finish? It says the only thing that bothers me in our marriage is that he's not romantic enough. Any advice. That's the only thing it's like. That's the only thing. He's probably an amazing guy. He probably works the ground that you walk on cis. I don't know if that's true but just saying like I think we can look at romance in a broader term and I think you have to do that anyway in marriage because dating is obviously that's the wooing stage and obviously some of that should carry into marriage but some of that is going to look different. I mean when you just think about this year amount of years that you're going to be married. Like keep it alive but it's going to look different and I think that we should just Point out the other things. It's like, oh yeah, that's just him. And I feel like that's the thing I hear the most of couples that have been married a long time. They have just like accepted, like, that's just them. And you learn to really love those, like, quirks and weird things. - 100%. - Some of the things I say about you and other, I'm like, I'm just not gonna die on that hill. - Like what? What hill is there to die on? - There's a couple hills you've got. - What hills? - Like you. - My chewing, my constant farting. - Yeah, but I die on the chewing hill. - My ADHD getting the best of me and I get so distracted. - Well, you're like, I would say like, you're impulsive thoughts that you share vocally. I'm not gonna die on that hill being like, that's not true. Stop saying that. We're not gonna do that. Like, I don't wanna constantly do that. So I'm just like, yeah. We're gonna go to Japan for a month. Next week. - I want to. - So, exactly, that's what I'm saying. Like, I'm not gonna do that. - But isn't life so much better if you do spontaneous stuff like that? - It is, Matt. Okay, how do my partner and I make trying to get pregnant into something fun and not a chores slash checklist item? - Position cards. That was fun. You got me those for Christmas. I think a year ago. - Did we already talk about that in this episode? - Well, I think, did you bring up the position cards earlier? - No, I did. I was talking about just doing different, something different in the bedroom. - Oh, different, different, oh, different stuff. It doesn't have to be a position. It could just be the foreplay. - Oh my God. - Wow. - I'm sorry. Why am I the only one laughing? Think about, 'cause I'm uncomfortable. - Okay, I'm sorry. Why do I not relate to that question literally at all? 'Cause like, that's like the most magical, like you're making a kit together. Like, that's the coolest thing you could possibly do in the world. - There's a lot of history though that couples could have. Say they've been doing this for like 12 months. - I see your saying. - It loses its, yeah, it loses its, - It was, it was, yeah. - Yeah, say you've experienced the loss. - Then we say that time. - Can we say that we've tried for, tried? 'Cause like, 'cause that is scary. Like, trying can be really scary. - Trying can be really scary. - Yeah. - And it can be really complicated. And it can be really like, it can be really heavy. So. - So I can see, definitely if they've been through a miscarriage, I can see where that would be scary. Not as exciting and fun. - Yes. And so I would say like, intentionally look for those days and then plan something fun and different. I think that was the same advice I gave before, but like, I think it's really easy to get into a pattern, especially in the bedroom. Like, I feel like that can also be a really cool opportunity to just shake things up a little bit and do something different. And maybe you just like laugh the whole time. You're like, yeah, kind of like, you know, the good old fashioned, whatever we do. But it's like, it is just something that is just, makes adds a certain levity to like something that could be heavy, make it fun, make it different. And then also like, on those days, maybe that's not the thing that's like the most exciting part of your day. Maybe that's like the thing that you do. And then it's like, okay, but then afterwards, we're gonna order our favorite takeout. And we're gonna watch our favorite show. And we're gonna eat our favorite ice cream afterwards. Like, there can be something, another element of that day that you really, really look forward to. And don't put all that pressure on, I know it's hard, but like, don't put all this pressure on like, that being the epitome of like romance for your day. Because maybe it's not. Maybe we don't, you maybe you don't get that privilege of like this experience being like the lightest, most magical movie moment. Maybe that's not the case for you. And so it's like, let's find something else fun that we, that is fully within our control. Because getting pregnant or not, keeping the pregnancy or not, is unfortunately out of our control. And so let's do something within our control that is like also fun and exciting for that day. That we can look forward to. - This episode is brought to you by Square, the business platform that helps sellers become neighborhood favorites. 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You can sell online, in-store, or both, and customize your setup as your business evolves. - It's built to support different kinds of businesses, not to force everyone into the same mold. Square now offers three clear plans, free, plus, and premium. So you can pick the tools you need and grow into more when you're ready. - Square helps you run your business smoothly, bring payments, operations, and insights together in one place. So you're ready for whatever's next. Right now listeners can get up to $200 off-square hardware when you sign up at square.com/go/unplanned. That's squ-a-r-e.com/go/unplanned. Get started with Square and build a setup that works the way you do. - What are your thoughts about people getting back into a relationship after they've been broken up? - Totally depends on the situation. - Yeah. - I think you can look at someone's relationship and if someone's been doing bad things over and over and over again, probably not a good idea to get back with them. If that happened, it's not something that's actually shown change. They're not in a different person, but if they are actually a different person, then it's a completely different story, right? - Yeah. I think you should look for a couple things. Look for, first of all, honestly evaluate, was this the only reason that we broke up this one reason? Okay, if there's one reason you can say this is the reason, what is totally different now? Or how are we gonna go about this relationship differently now? And I think you need to start that relationship from ground zero. As hard as it is, I think it'd be really easy to just try to pick up where you left off and take off. It's over, you guys broke up. It's like we're starting over and what's gonna be different this time. And I think you're allowed to be very particular by these things. This was a non-negotiable for me in the past. It's still non-negotiable for me. This is what we need to do differently. And I think that needs to be very over. And you know what, I used to think like, okay, if you broke up, you broke up for a reason, don't do it again. That's just because that wasn't a part of our story. But I know a lot of people that are successfully married and have very happy families and marriages. - 100%. - And that is a part of their story. - And we came close to breaking up when we dated too. I wanna say there was like a time or two where you were considering breaking up with me or I was considering breaking up with you. It's common, guys. - That's what dating for. - If one or both of you has fundamentally changed as a person, why wouldn't you try it again? And if you know, the other 99% of them is great and a great match for you. Like, why are you getting held up on the one percent? - Something else I was gonna say though. No, but I think it should be very critical. I think most relationships should not get back together. Let me just put that out there. - I would agree with that. I would agree with that too. - I think this is a rare circumstance where it's like, okay, yeah, we can try this again. - Yeah. - But also if you have trusted friends that were like also new your boyfriend or girlfriend really well, I think this is a great time to invite them into the conversation. I also find it so interesting how with relationships you can find couples that got married at 18, dated for two weeks and got married, and then they live happily ever after and they have a great marriage all this. And then you have couples that got married after 25, waited till marriage, dated for two years. They followed all the different steps. They did the science back approach. They went to counseling and then they break up. They divorced. Like, it's always so fascinating to me. So I don't think. - I think a lot of that boils down to, like, are you gonna work on it? - How committed are you both? - How did you deal with waiting for marriage? I'm three years in today and it's getting very difficult. Well, we got married after three years. - Yeah, I think that's too long in my opinion. Like, I think if you've been with someone for three years, it's torture to not be intimate with them, you know? Seriously, like the people that like, it's like respect to people that wait till marriage, but if you're gonna wait till marriage, what you're gonna date for eight years, like, that is putting an undue burden on you and your partner. Like, your body is not designed. - I think three years should be the max. - Yeah, your DNA is literally telling you to procreate with this person. - Yeah. - Like, I don't know. I think that's just torture. That's like putting yourself in front of a juicy steak while you're starving and saying, don't eat it, or like a cupcake. Like, you put some fresh baked cookies in front of me. I'm gonna eat all 24. - You've always got analogies. - I love analogies. - I was gonna say, it's an admirable thing to like, want to take on any dating and your preparation for marriage. - Of course. - But I do think you should have a close end date to that because it's not meant to stay like that for very long. - Yeah, and I think too, if you like, you know, quote unquote, slip up and you got hands-y time or two, like, don't kick yourself too hard. Like, it's hard. It's hard. - Yeah, because there's a good desire to have. - Yeah, it's like that desire that you have is, like, it shows that your body's working. It shows that your emotions are working. - It shows that this person that you're with, someone that you want to be. - Now because you're a, like, a person with a developed brain and you're different than an animal, like you being able to-- - Show restraint. - Show restraint shows, like, shows, you know, that you got a working prefrontal cortex, but it's like, it's not easy, you know? - We don't need to do that for-- - Yeah, don't, don't, like, put a burden on yourself. Don't, yeah, don't, like, and that's why I especially feel bad when someone, like, starts dating their person at 15 and then they're like, 19 and they've been together for, you know, gosh, four years at that point. What would you say to that couple that's been, that's been dating since they were 15 and other 19 would you just tell me to get married? Yes, sure. I guess if they've already spent four years together. Yeah, you're probably right. - We got into 19. - We got into 19, gosh, 19 seems so young, but yeah, I guess I would say get married. - Yeah, I'm three months postpartum and feeling a hint of postpartum depression. My partner and I are feeling like roommates, slash besties, instead of lovers. Any of you. advice. I want to tell you this is like literally so normal. Yeah, this is so normal. You were in the thick of it at three months postpartum even though it feels like you're like, okay, I should be a little bit more back to it. Like maybe my baby's sleeping longer stretches. Maybe I feel physically like I feel better. My body's certainly not the same, but like I just need you to know that it is so normal. I know so many women go through. I got I dared to venture. I don't know a single woman that didn't go through a quote unquote on identity crisis. Yeah. After at least having your first baby, but I feel like it happens every time where you're kind of like, okay, whoa, I feel like a totally different person. I remember looking in the mirror being like, I do not know myself. Like I don't recognize myself in so many different ways. I don't want to do the same things I wanted to do in the past. I don't know anything other than like feeding and changing diapers and trying to get this baby to sleep and calm down and take napsic. I don't know anything other than that. That's biological. That's going to happen and it's good that it's happening because that means that you are doing the things that you are supposed to do to keep your baby alive. But you should also know like you said, it is a season. You're gonna get out of this and I think it's honestly really cute and it's like showing me some hope for you guys. Some serious hope because you said roommates slash besties and I think it's really sweet that like that stage could look like, okay, we certainly don't have the romance that we maybe like thought we had, but like we're still besties. We're still a team. We're doing this together. Yeah. And you're getting so close to like getting through that. And I think just just know that this is just a season. It's a very hard season. I mean, you're both depressed. You're both sleep deprived. You're both depressed. One assumption. So it happens all the time. We're both both the mommy and the dad get depressed, but it's very hard. And so give yourself some grace. Just know that this is literally a season. You're in the middle of winter right now and know that summer's coming and you're going to get through it. Yeah. And I think that they're I think that you'll learn to look back really fondly on this time too. Yeah. Yes, you'll say yes, it was hard, but like what a cool fun time and like you'll you'll miss it. Don't make any big decisions. I think this should be no like no one should make any big decisions. And the first at least six months postpartum because I would say you're like you took a snow globe and you shook it all up. You got to wait for those snowflakes to fall. Seriously, I think if you're like I'm sure someone listening right now that's like I literally hate my partner's guts. I want to get a divorce and it's like hey give yourself like seriously. I know 12 months sounds like so long, but like go to therapy, think it through, meditate on it, journal about it. I don't even time out divorce, but just no big decisions in general should be made. I've seen the amount of TikTok. I've seen from people that were like didn't make it past the newborn stage or did it happen. I've seen so many TikToks. A lot of a lot of young moms that just like and I'm sure their partner was a jerk. I'm sure but I'm sure they're not without fault too. So I think it's a big transition. It's really hard and I think it makes me sad every time I see those videos. Oh, I didn't know that that's really sad. Yeah, I think just I think nine out of 10 times. You're gonna feel like so much more of a human again. After a certain amount of time you'll feel so much more like stable and grounded and adjusted to this new life. There's still adjustments that you have to make. But the headspace I was in three months postpartum versus 12 months postpartum is like night and day. And I think we should prepare moms for that because like maybe that's not the case and that you just like seamlessly transition. That's amazing and great. But I would say more often than not. It is a difficult transition especially after you've had your first kid like zero to one kids is like you're making a lot of big changes. And I think we should have grace for that like an abundance of grace. Totally. That's our last question. Guys, thank you again for tuning in to this week's episode. I don't know if we gave bad advice. If we gave bad advice, can you review some of it in the comments? Let us know if you say like, hey, you know what? I actually got back with my ex and this is what I didn't do and this is why I didn't work. I don't know. Let us know what you guys think of this type of episode in the comments because we haven't done something like this in a very long time. I also think it'd be fun to have people call in to actually hear their voices. Hey, that's my thing. We can't do that here. No. That's Dave Ramsey's thing. That's John Loney's thing. That's every radio host thing. You guys didn't come up with that. That's what Zach Shepherd does on his show too. I didn't even know that. Yeah. A lot of shows do that. Okay. Well, you know what? I obviously didn't create it. But gosh, they can call it always here. They have any questions. You guys call in calling to always here. No. Thank you for trusting us with your crisis. It's really so sweet that you guys wrote in and trust us with that. And obviously take it as entertainment purely because we are not experts. There are many people that our experts that do this. And I think that they're the people to go to. We are just here. We're just here to gab. Yeah. Just here to talk it out. Two ladies talking it out. No. I think it's really cool. That's men. They know what a man and a woman talking these things out. Also huge shout out to everyone that has left us a review on Apple podcasts. That means the world I was actually going to read one from one of you guys right now. This is from Chloe underscore 2028. The unplanned podcast is a refreshing and honest look into life relationships and unexpected adventures. This podcast is amazing whether they're talking about marriage, parenting, faith, or personal growth. They keep things authentic and relatable. It's the kind of podcast that makes you laugh, think, and sometimes even tear up. And it never fails to leave you feeling encouraged. Keep being awesome. So once again, remember to like, subscribe, rate, review, all the things kind of genuinely like so grateful that this is what we get to do. And we're on year three of this thing. Yeah. We're on year four. We've done it for three years. Holy crap. That's crazy to think about. Also, please follow the unplanned podcast on Instagram. And so the next time we do an episode like this, if you guys enjoy it, you can also participate. We're so grateful for those of you that wrote in and to be fun to hear from you. If you didn't write in guys. Thank you so much again for tuning into this episode of unplanned. We will see you the next one. Peace out dudes.