Marriage Q&A : Conflict, Compromise, & Our Hardest Year

This episode is brought to you by chat GPT. Hey, it's Bill Simmons from the Bill Simmons podcast. Have you guys heard about chat GPT work? It's the new way to use chat GPT for bigger multi-step projects. And when you need more than just answers, give chat GPT work access to your apps and files, and it can create real work documents like spreadsheets, slides, and structured reports. Get started at chatgpt.com by selecting work mode available on plus and pro plans. Should she say that about the kisses? Is that weird? She doesn't care. She presses send. This is the love story of real hinge couple, Daniel and Roisin written and read by me, Rufy Thorpe. Listen to the free audio book now. You both had different solutions to the problem. Yeah. So then how did you come to a resolution? Honestly, I folded. I make more decisions for us. Yeah. I'm more decisive. It comes from having a lot of decisions. I'm more decisive. I'm more decisive. I'm more decisive. I'm more I love delusional confidence. I'm like, this is right. 100%. Yes. Yes. Yes. Caleb and I got on a fight. He's like, you don't compromise to me very often. I'm changing my mind to do what you want to do. And I was like, no, I just thought you decided that this was what we were going to do together. We have been wearing the pants. Welcome back to always here. We're your host, Abby Howard and Abby Howard. How you doing today? Are you contracting? You're just talking about contracting. I literally like Matt came downstairs after like we just had a busy morning and I just started crying. I could cry right now. I'm just really, really tired. I think I slept. I've been up since one 30 in the morning. Shoot for just a little reference. Oh, just because of you and insomnia. No, I had contractions for three hours straight. And then I was like, I'm just time. No, I didn't. I mean, they didn't hurt, but they, I couldn't sleep through them. So then I was literally just like, what do I effing do? And I was just, it was just pressure uncomfortable. And one of them was like painful. And that's the one that woke me up at one 30. And I was like, wow, it was weird. I was like, I'm just not going to move at all. I'm too tired. And so then I just like stayed really still kind of fell asleep, woke up, fell asleep, woke up, fell asleep. And then I finally, they were coming so quick. I just couldn't sleep. And then I got up at like four and I was like, well, I guess I'll do laundry and like do some stuff. He stopped. Wow. I mean, they kind of are now they're just like off and on, like not like fast, quick, but yeah. You had your appointment tomorrow. Yeah. That's exciting. But I was just so tired. And I was like, I'm just so pissed at my body for doing all this work for nothing, but nothing. And I'm like, I can't sleep. It's extra exhausting. I was like, this is just so lame. But I do hear that prodromal labor is more like, um, common with, like after like third and fourth. And they really are treating this like my fourth delivery. And so I was like, Oh, buckle up. Cause people are like, he's coming soon. And I'm like that. I love the optimism, but I also am, I am, I promise you I'm mentally prepared to be induced on my due date. Well, I'm so curious what the longest people have been dilated at these amounts. What'd you say? I, people get stuck. I've heard someone stuck at a five. That's crazy. Yeah. Well, like being at a five and not an active labor. Yeah. That's, that's crazy. Yeah. That doesn't feel like a good idea. Being stuck at five, walking around five. Like things are open down there now. Cause I'm like, I couldn't progress since then. It's been over a week and I'm like, should I take a bath? Like, yeah, you're like, like, it's like, I don't think you should. I did. I just took a bath. Oh, okay. Well, it felt a lot better. It stops them or like slows them down. Yeah. Oh, okay. So I'm like, thank God. Goodness. You're like, good. Hold it in. Stay. We know we have one more recording we need to get through. Yes. And you said you have what, what else do you have to get done? I don't, I don't care. Oh, okay. It's not getting done. I literally just want to nap. I know you're like, just lay me down. Yeah. But I'm like, tonight I'm just going to take a whole unisum and just see if I can just catch up on some sleep. We'll see if that works. What happens if you take a whole unisum and then you can't sleep? Yeah. That's what I'm afraid of. That's the bad. That's the bad. That's the bad. That's so exhausting. That is the gamble. And I'm, you don't have all the sleepy things. No recordings tomorrow. So you can just sleep. Oh, you do. Right. Here's what you have to do. You have to stretch. And I have two children. Stretch for a long time before bed. Get every muscle relaxed. Drink a tea. Take your unisum. Yeah. At this point I'm like, I'm not hoping for labor. I need to. Hoping for sleep. Sleep. Uh-huh. Like I'm like, I need to sleep. Yeah. And Matt's like, you must be so tired. I was like. That just a little bit of empathy just got me. I was like. Aw. I am so tired. That's sweet. That's sweet. Yeah. No. But I'm really fine. I, I think my mental game deteriorated last night around 4 a.m. Mm-hmm. But then I got my butt up. I went on a walk. Went to the gym. Mm-hmm. It wasn't chipper, but I did it. And I feel better. Probably the fake labor is way harder mentally than like real labor. Like game time. Let's go. Yeah. If my water would have broken, I would have been like. Sick. I would have had an energy. I feel like my adrenaline would have done something. Yeah. You're locked in. Like in my head, I was like, cause I also had this with Augie too. Like. I don't remember that. Yeah. Not as, not as nearly as long or as early. Mm-hmm. But we're as strong. I could sleep through it. Mm-hmm. But yeah, I was like, I'm locked in for this being the thing. Dang. I'm sorry. It's not a good thing to have. Insomnia or pedromal labor? Pedromal labor. It's just. I really feel like I could sleep if I didn't have contractions. Yeah. Of course. Yeah. I like literally feel my stomach. It's like hard as a rock. And I'm like, whoa. So calm down. Come on, dude. Come on, dude. You just need to calm down. And of course those make them move like crazy. Yeah. And he's already active. So you're just. Yeah. I was like, I'm not sleeping anymore. I tried to read. I read a lot of the book. I haven't started it. Oh. When are we doing book club? Not when Abby's here. Okay. Perfect. Wait. Dang it. Oh, no, no. She might come back just to sit in and do the book club. We're not. This isn't one that we're rushing to get done. Perfect. I feel like the last two it's been like this week. And I'm like, shoot. I think it's because Abby and I have finished. And so we're like, let's talk about it. Abigail. I finished them. I finished them. Do you like this book? No. Okay. What's it called? Yellow Face by RF Kwan. Yeah. Okay. What's your hope in your heart? Because that's what we're here to do. Yes. Share the hope in the heart with heart and humor. Yes. Okay. I hope my heart are also connected. I feel like they're always one thing. I'm like, I got my positive and my negative with the things going on. Caleb has been working on our shed. Have I talked about this in the podcast? Yeah. I did. Okay. Well, Caleb also came over when you were out of town. And he's like, I think I'm gonna because I'm like, what are you gonna do with the empty house all week? Yeah. So I think I'm gonna surprise Abigail with the shed all done. I was like, Hey, just so you know, I think she's expecting. Yeah, I think it was. So actually, finish it. He's like, Oh, okay. He's like, I kind of got that feeling. But she didn't say it. And I was like, I'm always leaving him guessing. You should go help. He did go Matt was like, I had nothing to offer. I'm really glad he did that. Because Caleb called me. So I was out of town in St. Louis for a whole week. Caleb had nothing to do. I mean, he had a lot to do. He worked and then he worked in our shed. He had absolutely nothing to do. So he worked in our shed. We have this detached shed off of our back patio. It's really close to our bedroom. Our bedroom is sliding doors. And it was just basically bones, bare bones in this shed. And Caleb's been in there, you know, drywalling it, finishing this thing, adding lights, electrical. I mean, it's the whole nine hours. It has AC everything. So we've been really excited to finish it so we can make it a home office and some storage, maybe like an extended closet type vibe in there. I sent him some inspo pictures of what I wanted. I wanted to be a little more colorful because it's detached in the house could be a little fun. Who cares? It's a shed. It's not that serious. And I sent him a bunch of like kind of maybe cottagey vibes. So that's my style. Yeah. I think you would really like the inspo pictures I sent. It's sagey green walls, like almost sagey bluish green. And obviously we don't have these, but the hydrangeas all around, you know, in the inspo picture. Make it happen. Yeah. Like hydrangeas in the desert. But Caleb calls me after his first coat of paint when I was in St. Louis and he said, I don't think you're going to like the color. And I was like, well, that's okay. Do you like it? And he's like, I'm just not going to like it. Not really sure. So he FaceTimes me. The walls are lime green, lime green, lime green. And I said, you know what? You're going to have to fix that one. That one. He said, yeah, I was thinking, I'm assuming you're going to say that. He painted the whole thing. Luckily just one wall, but he did buy three gallons of paint. He didn't do a sample. Oh, he didn't do a sample. He looked at the paper. He said, that looks good. Oh, you didn't pick out the color. No, I didn't pick it out. I sent him, you know, the inspo. And I was like, just something around this family of range. And he went and he pulled out the sample. I feel like the one that everyone does is that evergreen fog. That's what's in Vivian's room. Okay. But we're going lighter than that. Okay. A little brighter because it's small. But yeah, it was lime green. So that was unfortunate to hiccup. So we have three gallons. That was a lot of trust that you gave him to pick out the paint color. Actually, I think Caleb is pretty good at that. Well, I thought he was. He's excellent. He's - Well, he learned a lesson here. by the sample so what are you gonna use that paint for i think he needs to sell it on facebook marketplace i will say in his in his defense it looked nothing like the paper paper that they have you know on the wall okay but um it looks much better now from what i've seen i haven't seen it but i've seen when he opens the door i see it inside and it looks like a pretty color so you haven't even walked in no i haven't he's not i've not been allowed but he's finished the flooring it's done i get to see it tonight after this that's exciting i know like done done yeah he's gonna paint the trim but i'm like yeah just let me see it before you paint the trim so i'm excited to see you that's exciting i know so yeah i'm super pumped my heart is i have not seen my husband in about two weeks that's tough the quality time has not been there so yes i feel deeply saddened by that it's such a bittersweet you know he's burning himself out he's really burnt out he's like i hate i run off the dumb with this and then i'm like you want to hang out he was pretty mad that night when we dropped um uh john trees off at the airport what he was doing drywall and he cut himself oh my gosh he gashed his wrist open bad yeah i was like oh yeah you came over and you haven't gotten band-aids that was sweet i got caleb yeah i was looking i was like that looks severe kind of he was just really quiet i was like he's mad he's mad dang it i would be mad it's so funny everyone could tell like my mom's right now she goes is he okay i'm like he's pretty burnt out he's pretty burnt out he just gets quiet dang it but he's done so that's put some wind into sails and i get him back yeah yeah it was worth it it is so worth it we can take a break yes i think he goes i need a couple a couple months no projects for a while i'm like well you do have a couple boxes of tile in our garage for the backsplash so not too long did you mention that at that point no i did okay discernment and wisdom see i have a couple hooks i need hung but i was gonna hire a handyman yeah no literally three hooks no my mom goes um he does need to hang some we bought a rod for vivian's closet she's like he doesn't need to hang around i was like anything with a drill is fine oh no matt was like i can do that i was like it's okay it's okay baby that's how my mom is with my dad he's like i'll do it no no no no no no no no no it's totally fine i just wanted to get done i know that when he says yes like he really means it in that moment but the next second it's just it does anything's fair game it's a fleeting thought it's a fleeting yeah yeah and they've been sitting there it's been it's been a little where are they going just in our mud room to hang the kids backpacks oh exciting just want to hang some backpacks yeah of course you bought a drill i bought a drill and i used a drill that was nesting yeah that was with augie and i people get make fun of my drill because it's pink no it's not pink it's green oh it's ryobi why do people make fun of it i don't think i got the right stuff for it oh no they make fun of our toolkit oh our toolkit apparently is bad for me i'm like it looks like it's got everything we need got all the tools it's got everything we know how to use yes and i don't even know if we know how to use all those we're not diy okay we know we stay in our lane yeah stay in our lane and we're not diy and here's the thing it'll just stay undone and that's totally fine yeah i don't ever use the drill i don't know how to do any of it i use the drill to set up a baby gate that's impressive well it didn't go well oh i needed spackle afterwards i just started drilling holes like a crazy woman that was a bad idea yeah you know what i like an electric screwdriver that i've never heard of that it's literally instead of hand screwing things yeah you can just use a little electric screwdriver you don't have one of those that's amazing i've used it a lot to put together random furniture i love that you do that uh i see in our notes that we have the dogs figuring out addy's pregnant um well we're giving an update on the that i don't hit my dogs anymore perfect back around well actually rizzo did poop inside of our house two days ago so i i do hate him again pretzel was on our dining table this morning lewis my mom just called me lewis threw up in his cage so we're all together she goes i cannot clean this up abby said you don't have to really threw up on our bed the other day how oh he literally has never done that ever right it was right on the edge like he was just laying there and just with him it's probably anxiety like oh yeah it's anxiety it's probably anxiety it's probably anxiety it's probably anxiety that's what blake said he said he was so nervous when i was leaving that morning so i bet he just threw up on the bed i'm like crazy but i like you said he's supposed to emotionally support me yeah so rizzo's the one who eats my underwear so we don't like him but he has figured out i'm pregnant and he won't leave my side and he they're not allowed on the couch but anytime i sit down on the couch he jumps up and puts his head on my belly which i'm like this is brand new you haven't been doing this for months which is sweet and then when i go to bed because we've talked about this before different bedtimes as your partner so i go to bed by myself rizzo comes in bed with me and lays on the bed which he never does until blake comes in there and then blake kicks him off yeah i'm like this is he's learned i'm pregnant which is which is sweet does make you kind of love your dog again and then he poops in your house and you're like why did he do that maybe i think he needed to go to the bathroom but here's the thing is i took him out he didn't pull me to like keep i brought him back inside he didn't he didn't tell me and then he got inside and pooped inside maybe he was also surprised hey i will say i hate a sneaky it was solid rock solid picked it up i did like shampoo the carpet but like yeah there was there was nothing there there was no residue that you could visibly see it wasn't i bet that smelled terrible so bad yeah i'm doing the dishes i look over i said oh i looked over i said oh oh my sister has a puppy and maybe six months old a little dog simon and when we were in st louis i walk in our bedroom upstairs put vivian down and my dad does not like dogs and he likes simon but you know simon's my sister didn't do the best job potty training simon so he has a lot of accidents in the house and my dad is like not again not again you know he's a germaphobe and he doesn't like so um i walk upstairs and my dad is actively carrying vivian up the steps to bring her to bed and i walk in i go so oh dad hold on a second hold on a second it smells so bad poop on our floor and in our bedroom yeah and then yeah it's just a whole lot of poop on our floor and then i walk and then yeah it's just the whole thing but um it's done pretty bad yeah that stuff's freaks so if he's like running in there with this brace like don't want daddy don't want daddy like he's coming up the stairs he's gonna smell it he's gonna can't miss it thank you to flamingo for sponsoring this portion of today's episode did you see that my legs no i just shaved my oh i can barely reach we literally both just shaved our legs right before this do you feel like when you use your flamingo razor your legs stay shaved longer does that make sense yeah they're smooth for a long the women who help build harry's found themselves rolling their eyes when companies were just shrinking men's razors and making them pink so they decided to shake things up a little bit and that is when flamingo was born flamingo has no pink tax pricing no flimsy design and no irritation flamingo was born to give women shaving solutions made with their bodies in mind their starter set has everything you could need whether it's time for an everything shower or even if you just need to shape up your brow line they have one of those derma plane razors i use on my mustache every week it's great keeps me nice and nice and nice and hair free i always love hearing about your mustache no one told me i've never noticed it but that's probably because you have an amazing razor and for a limited time our listeners can get the flamingo starter set for only seven dollars at shopflamingo.com slash abby this set includes the flamingo original razor one five blade cartridge a one ounce foaming shave gel and a shower holder which is very nice i love the holder or rusty i feel like that's the purpose too that's what i meant rusty not moldy just head to shopflamingo.com slash abby to claim this offer and after you purchase they'll ask where you heard about them please support our show and tell them we sent you you know i was reflecting by the way we recorded the last episode you heard literally yesterday in real time so if things feel low energy like not as fresh that's why we're just trying to batch create just because we just don't really necessarily know when the baby's coming yeah but um what was i saying i don't know i don't know i was reflecting in the car today i was like that wasn't that crazy wow that's crazy that wasn't that was not crazy i literally the more i thought about it i was like well i'm sorry i go to this gym i'm doing blood work this gym i mean it's very it's so i think that's amazing it is it's just like it's not crazy the people are probably like wow they don't get out threw us off of what we were talking about like it didn't make any sense to insert that there now we had to like backtrack and i know addy doesn't care about that stuff at all i think she probably just like wrap it up i was like okay back to the episode not my best work sorry not my best work this one is crazy though i want to know how you learned about this one because you did you said you didn't know about it i didn't know about this at all except for through our friends okay i learned all my news from my friends i actually think it's really good for your mental health that's really good advice i got that advice one time let your friends hear the news well i learned about explosive diarrhea that's going around michigan apparently it's going right everywhere and it's everywhere i heard there was only 19 cases in arizona at the time of me hearing about this i think there's more now how many are there now what's it called clara clara no no no clevis yep it's something like it rhymes with there it is cyclosporiasis cyclosporiasis yeah was that it that's it cyclosporiasis yep cyclospora anyway it's that diarrhea disease it's a parasite honestly did you have it you had diarrhea for like six weeks have it i am pregnant yeah and that was months ago yeah but i don't think they knew about it so there's been 11 000 confirmed and probable cases 11 000 20 26 but don't you have to have some type of anti i think yeah but i think if you go long enough it just works its way out can you google that but i think you have diarrhea for a long time and you've had it for over a year and you're like oh my god i'm gonna have diarrhea for a long time and you've had it for over a year and you've had it for over a month and a half yeah i did diagnosis and treatment um just look up does it go away on its own but then what are the odds that i get i'm the only one in my family that gets it i don't know you eat a lot of bagged salad you eat a lot not independently um you could have gotten it from somewhere you ate at you ate at taco bell and taco bell is one of the biggest culprits i do not eat at taco bell i do not i will say don't put that on me i saw that somewhere that it was a taco bell don't get lettuce on my taco bell so i know that's not where it came from when i was when i posted online that i was sick and people we're done let me get the fuzz off is that what you're trying to do no i was trying to i actually hate that so much i liked it it felt really good abby you're when you're playing with the rug you like scoot it you're way i didn't even catch that we're going back and forth i miss that fighting over the rug oh my gosh it's funny it was bothering me i was like it's all scrunched up over there sorry but i was getting mad that people were saying that i had this thing i said no i'm just vomiting yeah i'm no diarrhea so i could have had it um does it go away sometimes but it's not a good bet and on its own can mean weeks of misery that's what i had she had that that's what i'm saying i think you had it wow yeah because diarrhea like that for a long time symptoms usually start about a week after exposure the hallmark is frequent watery diarrhea along with appetite loss weight loss bloating nausea and fatigue low-grade fever and vomiting are less common watery doesn't really that doesn't describe what you were experiencing no untreated it can follow a remitting relapsing course lasting for days to a month or more the relapsing pattern you can feel better and then it comes roaring back okay and the signature distinct distinguishes it from other ordinary food poisonings so it doesn't just go away on its own not really it comes back with a vengeance it sounds like i mean someone said like 200 mile per hour diarrhea and i was like what i've never had that but i could pick it up you know um i just saw all i needed to know is that taylor farms made a statement they're like we are not tied to this and i was like how could they even say that they've been tied to it so taylor farms um then pulled all iceberg lettuce sourced from central mexico from the u.s market saying that the traceback point to one independent farm representing under one percent of the u.s iceberg supply the recall covers this but i'm not sure if it's true or not i'm almost then there was a twist yeah because i saw the post from taylor farms where they redacted they were like this actually wasn't like we figured out that this wasn't from us actually like we recalled our stuff but it wasn't us wow drag their name to the mud yikes yeah it's used it was a false positive through the fda oh that sounds like that's crazy um yeah let me tell you the stores are stocked with bagged salads but i also heard it was like berries and stuff but what does it say about me that i'm like who cares yeah no i think i love those videos they're like oh diarrhea like i love the videos like anything new or like oh shoot you mean i'm gonna lose 10 pounds from diarrhea like no i don't know it's not that i i just in my head i'm like i'm not gonna get it i yeah in my head i just i'm like uh they're but like our friends were like don't buy raspberries don't buy this would be bad having a kid with diarrhea would be horrible but myself of diarrhea not that bad maybe brio had it for three days three days i don't feel lettuce or berries yeah you're like that's on me i think she's clear that's on me um yeah yeah well that's crazy just for like reference in 2025 there were 2700 cases okay and so far in 2026 there's over 11 000 so it's coming from somewhere did go up this year just a bit well it's a huge jump you hear i just hear 11 000 out of how many people a lot of people 125 million when you've lived through a global outbreak of something 11 000 you know what stuck with me a lot from the p-a-n-d-e-m-i-c the panda c-o-b-i-d was you know if there was a meme and it said yeah when people used to say run run like that from the plague you know i'll keep get away from it me like it's the plague and he said we realize in fact people do not run from the plague like what how it's the what's the saying shoot i'm butchering it what's the saying that like the plague avoid that like the plague it says we did learn in fact people will not avoid it like the plague like wow what do you mean like with covid people sound like whatever what what it got to a certain point where people are like whatever anymore it's like people will not in fact oh no i feel like people did avoid it for a long time yeah a couple months i mean my dad was cloroxing envelopes i remember the mail he did a hard 180 on that one yeah he really just i think at first i did i got a little freaked out i remember i wore gloves um i covered every inch of my body when i went to the grocery store when i came back i said okay kill disinfect me and i took all my clothes off put them in the wash and we wiped everything down from the grocery store that checks out i didn't do anything i really didn't do anything and i never got it five times in the last like five years tested positive five times five times i've gotten it every year since we've had it fun fact i'm susceptible yeah nothing quite like that first time though it wasn't horrible that is i'm trying to be unbiased here but i'm like i have the swabs you were testing yourself you're testing yourself self swabbing see this all checks out okay it's better not to know i'm not gonna lie i'm not gonna lie i'm not gonna lie i'm not gonna lie no i'm just kidding that's probably why i've never had it because i've never went and tested oh no i had it real bad i had it really bad you saw me when you passed out i passed out from it twice bonked my head started crying i was the i didn't see you pass out but i was because i was facing the other way but i watched everyone else watch you pass out and then i was like she's going down i had like it was dramatic you and you and matt had to separate and it was i was i missed matt that was a memorable little time that was memorable i remember that's the first time i had shortness of breath i was wearing two bathrobes because i had a really high fever and then i took a nap fell asleep in two bathrobes woke up soaking woke up on the ground with blake and addy just like and my parents i think my dad was free above you yeah then they put me in the bathroom passed out in the bathroom against the door so they couldn't open the door it was a oh my gosh i don't i don't kobe had a weird that was weird it really settled oddly in my system settled oddly my system did not know what to do i did a workout and then i put on two bathrobes and went to bed that checks out was that the day you guys did you did a workout she's like i'm not sick i didn't you know what's crazy about it you and your mom did a workout in the living room i didn't do it with you i think you just watched no i went like sat in the bedroom like i did not do like they're so annoying that's so funny that's so funny that's so funny that's so like so weird of me it's so funny of it i didn't even remember that detail i feel like this conversation's really between us sorry there's the internet of people this is our private conversation literally like an us conversation oh i don't keep it i'm like we should we should bring it back bring it back sorry we're really digging into the details love and marriage well yeah we were freshly married at covid so i was crying for matt as i was laying in the bathroom passed out and they're like you can call him we have internet it was a dramatic scene um but yeah that was like our first year of marriage you know what we actually here's how we got married at the best time we got married just before this we really struggled with our timing what'd you say we struck gold with our timing struck gold i thought you said we struggled and i was like no i think we because we got married in the summer of 2019 uh-huh two weeks apart yep it was so fun got to get married first they'd been together longer that wasn't like i never felt strongly about that somebody did was it caleb no it wasn't either of us i think it was theresa because she's got such a strong sense of justice in her mind she was like this is fair they were they were dating longer they should get married first okay well you know we were like sure i was like okay we'll make the timeline work we'll get two weeks before two weeks wait did you set your date first i don't remember this no you guys had your date first oh because i remember asking you guys if it was too close oh together no biggie no it's so fun yeah okay so we got married two weeks apart in 2019 which means that we both just celebrated seven years together so apparently now we're gonna start getting itchy yeah start hating our marriage i feel actually more in love this year than i did last year me too really yes yes here's my theory about the seven year itch i don't think it should apply if you dated for years beforehand i think seven years hits when you start when you get to it together see but we got married right at seven years i know so i've never had the itch well you kind of just did jump the gun because then i feel not jump the gun you kind of skipped over that that's kind of a hack i think it is a hack it's a bad hack we did a long time yeah that's a long time we did a long time we got engaged at our six year anniversary and we got married right before our seven year is that true uh-huh how many years have you guys been together um 13 yeah since 2013 yeah october will be our 13th year i know so then because i do feel like newlyweds that that that's like a bonus year like it just doesn't really feel like real life for a whole year i don't know did you feel that way addy that first year yeah yeah when i look back at it now i'm like oh that was just so blissful yeah i think it can go one of two ways it can either go really blissful or really tumultuous yeah well i feel like if you get married young you're gonna be young you kind of you gotta figure it out no i think it's just it's a little easier that first year yeah not in your own life like independent that's true so i feel like if you're gonna have a tumultuous first year maybe it's because you're kind of set in your lifestyle ways like if i were to just like pick up and like move in with somebody else and i'm like wait a minute wait a minute we also dated long before we got married so we kind of i kind of knew like kilbs things you know yeah whereas if you're how long did you and blake date addy we dated for two years oh see that's a long time i feel like we've been together for a long time i feel like we've been together for a long time at least in our world with like the church world people date for three to 12 months and then get married and maybe we'll get married and engaged all in that first year and so i think that makes sense to me where i'm like oh you don't even you haven't been through seasons and then they have a hard first year because you're learning how to communicate yeah yeah whereas we had so many years together we knew how to communicate kind of maybe you wouldn't even have i don't even think we had an argument for like several months into dating yeah so that would be hard to just be married and then you're like wait a minute we disagree that would feel hard i feel like that's like the the i feel like there's two different sides to it too with like the young married of like when you get married when you're in college you still have that like freedom your first year of marriage of like not having the responsibility of like that full-time job or full-time yeah things you're like you get to go to class and spend a lot of time together which then could make your second year a little harder when you're like real life real life sets in or blake and i got married in between so i graduated and then i went i started working full-time and he was actually still in college so it was a little i was starting we both started new things basically when we got married which made it easier yeah that was our timeline too i loved our timeline i graduated lived at home for a year killed finished school we were engaged playing the wedding during that year and then the minute killed graduated i think maybe it was two weeks after he graduated we got married or maybe a month after he graduated and then yeah we went on our honeymoon had your guys wedding and then we moved and started our jobs in kansas city like it was all those transitions at one time i thought you didn't like that and i thought that's why you lost a lot of hair no i loved it i just lost hair because i was stressed oh yeah yeah yeah yeah i thought you were saying it was too much change at once no i didn't even realize i honestly didn't i don't think it was it what there was a lot of change in transition which i thought was really fun and exciting good i think the hair and stress came out from like my family being upset about the wedding that that's all season we can talk about that before our moms and dads put put in some you know we hashed that out with the podcast we did we did i mean there's been some healing in that area i feel very healed from it but my hair maybe that is why we got a lot that's why we got close probably because we weren't close until we were just going through the same uh-huh similar scary things yeah i remember i was talking about that for the first time and i was like wait you're going through this too i was like i don't know what to do me neither i was like i'm so scared i know i know that was hard that was hard um we made it through but yeah i do think that is an advantage of getting married young definitely not like it's just one of those things that like happens if you meet your person when you're young like that you don't you're not like i feel like that transition is fairly smooth because you're just like well this is fun totally like it's really low stakes that life at that point is really low stakes not not for everyone but for most people like you're we were still in college like we're going to class together like yeah that's crazy that is really wild um so that was just like super fun the thing that was hard was like all of our friends were still like hanging out and doing friend things and then we were just like in our own like little apartment off campus so then i felt like a little removed and like yeah maybe like i was missing out on something i remember texting you about that because i i had the same thing whenever i i moved out too just like feeling left out it's it's something that it's like that's kind of i hate to say it's like i chose that yeah and but it is a bummer yeah but i wasn't it wasn't anyone's fault no like it was just especially in college you hang out by circumstance usually yeah everything's so they see your pants yes that you're not formally inviting people together so it's just like it just happens and then you're like oh wait i missed out yeah you can't have everything no i wouldn't make that decision over and over again thank you to forkful for sponsoring this portion of today's episode sometimes when life gets very busy it can be hard to eat and you know that we love to eat we talk about it constantly we're not gonna skip a meal even though it gets difficult we are just gonna find the right support exactly that is why we look to forkful forkful is the meals that you're gonna 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have gotten married a year earlier but i do think that would have made me estranged from my family so um oh my god i'm sure it would have buffed out but probably we probably wouldn't be talking about on a public podcast of course even seven years the fact that it's seven years i still feel scared i know i'm like i don't want to hurt their feelings mom's done this thing um totally but yeah okay so what would you say was like the hardest year so far man okay maybe not hardest year hardest season our hardest seasons of marriage i mean that's the fun thing about marriage is that you're constantly you're always married to someone new and your seasons are always changing of your life i mean i don't think seven years in retrospect is that long of a time in the grand scheme of our lives hopefully but you think about all the change that we've had in seven years graduating college moving getting married having kids a lot of things are happening new jobs businesses i mean there's so many things that we've packed into these seven years that i feel like oh my gosh we're completely different people which is exciting and were you gonna say something well did you ask caleb i did ask caleb and actually i agree on our our hardest year yeah did you agree with matt on your hardest year or do you guys have different ones we asked our husband i could think of two years that were challenging for different reasons um thankfully none of them were this year gosh gosh dang that i'm really glad that it wasn't this year yeah that would have been really awkward to talk about right now and this season but yeah i did agree with him okay caleb and i said year three or i think it was year four it was right when we moved here that was our hardest year which i think that makes a lot of sense just circumstantially we moved to phoenix from kansas city we're thrown out of our community starting i mean we have a lot of people that have been our business at the time everything goes down the toilet down the drain we find out we're pregnant it just was such like a shaking year and it was probably the first time in our marriage that i don't think we were necessarily aligned on what to do which also felt really hard being disaligned in your the next direction of your relationship was really a scary place to be and it was not that we fought a lot during that time but it was just tense like we were both always walking on inside probably harbored a lot of emotion um yeah i just remember that i mean i can go into detail of it i mean it's so hard how much of that do you think had to do with working together that's interesting i think what was hard when we worked together so we had our clothing business and caleb came on after a couple years of it i think there are some pros and cons to it like one we really had to figure out how to do it and then we had to figure out how to do it and then we had to figure out what our roles were which was really good and super helpful which i think translated to helping us in our marriage too like figuring it yeah like figuring out what our and just having the communication around talking about these roles i think it just made it really like an open door where we had to figure things out totally um so that was really good but then at the end of the business like um our business got into a lot of debt and so he's on one hand being like i have to get a job we have a baby coming i cannot stay on board with bolt and then i'm over here like you cannot leave me with this mess how i can't handle this on my own you know just this like intense fear also being just so disaligned and what yeah how to handle that situation was really hard and him being like we have to make money we don't have any money and me being like but i don't know how to i don't know what to do like what the next steps are and so there was just this constant battle of like uh maybe no decisions in that season because we couldn't come to an agreement and that was so hard just waking up at night anxious not communicating well just shut down both of us that's really hard it was really yeah it was like a scary season for sure we have only worked together like our entire marriage which is kind of unique but also i know a lot of people do it and i feel like that was something that that's what initially got us in couples therapy which was really good because it we did we just figured that out early on we're like this is just something that it's like we might just need a third person to like get a line on especially with like the nature of our job like it was so personal that it was like we just need to make sure that we have like checks and balances in this and um that wasn't our hardest year that wasn't the hardest thing for us but i totally agree that working together has actually really helped our marriage in the sense that we have really like it they change and they they of course they change over time but we have really established a relationship with each other and we've really established a relationship with each other and we've really established our roles yeah in our work but also like our roles in our marriage i feel like we have just become such like we're a really good team i think yeah and like a a good unit together i think there's a lot of things that i'm like we don't even need to talk about it because it's just like i take for granted that that's just like assumed that this is what i do this is what you do uh-huh and then um but the other thing i was gonna say about that because we had the talking point talking about working together just to close out now is i actually do think that when it comes to working together it's like it's like it's like it's like it's like we've talked about like wearing the pants a lot and i think that's like a funny thing and also it can just like make people feel weird like it's like oh they're like the boss of the relationship or just makes people feel like i don't know it it has a weight to it that doesn't necessarily i don't mean it in that way but i will say like what we have learned or what i have learned is that like someone really does have to be the leader yeah and it can't just be like because we always say like we both wear the pants it's because it's not like he's just like making decisions that i don't agree with like he's fully considering me to be the leader and if i don't agree i can tell him i don't agree and we can have a conversation about other things right but something about working together made me really realize too like someone has to be yeah the lead yeah and i was more than happy to be like i don't really actually want to do that i don't want to do that one no for sure which is so funny though because i make more decisions for us yeah because i'm better at making decisions like i'm more decisive it comes from having um what's that delusional confidence i love delusional confidence like i'm like this is a lot i'm like this is right 100 yes yes yes like you sold me there's no other option really when you look at it and matt's like looking at a cheesecake factory menu and he's like uh-huh he's like what are we getting so it's like i actually do make more decisions but i'm always like when there's like when we come to an impasse on things i've been more than happy to be like you know what you got it you got it because then also he does kind of hold the consequences of it more than two like i know we share those roles and like those consequences of decisions but like another way i'm i want to say that you made that decision totally you got it we're in this together but yeah but you got it you took the lead you took the lead and so um yeah for us when i asked matt what i knew he was gonna say the hardest year it was and he said probably this is really vulnerable i he sent this to me so he said this he knew this was for the podcast okay he said probably openly talking about marriage problems on the entire internet all while we were trying to raise two i was like yeah a lot of learning lessons in that moment for both of us and so um yeah that's what we asked like what was the hardest year and i think that was literally like probably the one of the things that made having two under two extra difficult there's just so much so much weight to like so much complexity to that so much added pressure that like didn't necessarily need to be there and i think that like we learned a lot which is also why we asked them the the follow-up question what did you learn from the first year and i was like i don't know i don't know i don't like that hardest season yeah and he said we learned to put boundaries in place and also our kids grew up and their needs changed yeah so like that made that like it was a perfect storm like that year was just like really hard because i think i also lost sight of like my role in the marriage like a little bit or not my role in the marriage but like i feel like it's really easy when you become a mom to just like think about your kids yeah and i like totally lost sight of like prioritizing our marriage and like prioritizing like even myself in a way but and so that was like a really weird thing to come out of i think they always say like on what do they say like it takes one person to change to change an entire relationship yeah and i really learned that after coming out of that season because i feel like in my head i was like well these kids and like there's so many other responsibilities how could i ever prioritize me like we're we're adults we're fine we can take care of it right and then when i actually was like you know what i can only change myself and only like work on the things that i have control over and like that's such an obvious thing but then really changing my mindset around that i was like wow this is really powerful because it can it really can change a whole relationship for sure so i learned a lot coming out of that i know matt learned a lot and life got a lot easier when we just decided like okay wait we need to realign like what is what are our boundaries but most importantly what are our priorities yeah and so that was a really long-winded way to answer that question no but it's it's good there's so much there i think i like that that the it takes one person to change relationship because i i think you do realize it's easy in these seasons where things are hectic maybe one person in the marriage is struggling a little bit more mentally or going through something harder that you're like you're going through different hard things at different times but it takes one person to step up and start making the effort to then the other person be reminded oh i also want to make an effort and then you come back together and so i feel like that's the game or like that's just a lot the seasons of marriage it's like you fall apart you come back together you fall apart you come back together so i think that's a really good i mean i think that's really good i think it's hopeful what did you learn from your hard season yeah yeah he said the same thing as me he said he said what i learned from it is that financial health in a relationship is very important i also learned that your spouse is not your enemy they are your partner going through it and pray more together i think that was something that was really interesting about that season because we were not aligned and so it kind of felt like we weren't we weren't working as a team he had one thing i had one thing and we were like going against each other um which yeah it was just really hard i think we had to constantly remind ourselves like we are in this together and how if you have different directions and you're going different steps or you need to do different things at this time how can you do that also though as a team and support one another still as you're trying something new i don't know that was really tricky to navigate i don't even know if i'm making any sense is what i'm saying yeah like you both had different solutions to the problem yeah and felt like you needed to move in different ways so then how did you come to a resolution honestly i folded well honestly i realized he was right carol powers yeah just crumbled no i mean he was right i mean you guys threw us a big bone helped us get out of that business help us close the doors of that and sell everything out and that was like the biggest relief and super healing in our marriage because we were like we were like we were like we were like we were it felt like this path that was it felt like a weight literally tied to our legs that we could not it was just such an impasse like i didn't know how to move on without caleb helping me and caleb needed to move on to get a job that's so tough it was just yeah and so finally like closing that loop helped um and i think also like once the emotions were out of it the hard emotions were out of it i think caleb realized like how he could support me in the closing of the business and i was able to then come to a place where i was like oh my god i'm so sorry i'm so sorry i'm so sorry i'm so sorry you're right this business was failing a need to close and now i can support you in your next job instead of feeling bitter towards you i think it was just coming to an understanding of each decision and understanding the emotions behind it which took time to come to to have those things can really i think sometimes the time aspect feels really hard in a marriage you know it's like i want peace right now or we want to get through this right now but sometimes that journey of navigating how to handle it is where you like you obviously get the most the best lessons out of it but yeah i felt very impatient during that time and obviously it just sucks feeling separated from your spouse um but yeah i think we prayed a lot together during that time we prayed for alignment like help us to feel unified in our decisions what we're gonna do and then just let the cause fall you know i think something that helps has helped like both of us and our marriage a lot too is just like constantly thinking about like ways to improve and for me that literally this sounds so cheesy but like listening to marriage and relationship podcasts i feel like it just always is making it's making growing my own self-awareness of how i'm showing up in my relationship more than anything then like i'm like oh i'm like learning from the it's more just like make causing me to reflect on myself and matt matt too um but i recently listened to a podcast by arthur brooks and his wife which i love arthur brooks i was gonna bring up something he said yeah and his him and his wife did a podcast episode did you hear this one is it was called like falling in love and staying in love he's writing another book so i'm like can we please have him on the podcast that's cool i would love to have him and esther on i like i really really love them oh and but um they she something esther was saying was like her like from her perspective like love is uh i'm not i might say this wrong but like always wishing for the greatest good in the other person and that really stuck with me because i feel like i've always said matt like we've always said like love is um consideration and i feel like that these things like a lot of the same things align in those like fields of thought but um i don't really know where i was going with that but i feel like yeah that plays a role like multiple times in my day where i'm like okay i'm i'm wishing for the greatest good for you and you're wishing for the greatest good for me and then that is where we can find like like you said where you're not like feeling as much anger about folding quote-unquote on something or making compromise in certain areas because it's like okay well there i trust that you're wishing for my greatest good and i know that i'm wishing for your greatest good so then therefore like whoever quote-unquote wins this or gets their way in this area is really for the greater good of our relationship yeah that makes sense for sure and then that whatever is the best for the relationship is the best for me as an individual as well totally and so um i don't know why that was such a wounded way of saying it probably listen to your podcast no i think that was really good really good yeah and i agree i think that's something that i had to learn in that year is like i think i was being very selfish like holding on just continuing to back up debt with this business like that was but it was it was something that i just had such a hard time letting go of and i had to come to the realization i'm like caleb is this is like for the good of our family what he's saying he's not wanting me to like give this business because he hates me or thinks i'm a failure or whatever like it's just this is not what's best for our family and i trust that he has my best interest in mind and our family's best interest in mind and so when he's telling true it is not doing well you know i think just i had to have that mentality shift or like it's not me against him like we're a team and like he did support me for so long in this and then realized you know and so that aspect of it like i always want to remember remember that yeah he has our best interest and i have his best interest in mind um and sometimes we may lose sight of that and that's when you have grace for your your husband or your wife you know something you said made like brought up something that i think about a lot is that if i'm feeling insecure about something i look to matt and i point out that area so let me just explain i'll give an example like if i'm getting on myself or being like if i feel like i'm being lazy then i find myself nitpicking his productivity and then i'm like wait a minute step back like i am actually just beating myself up because i'm not getting as much things as i want to get done done right now and so i'm just like see i don't know why i do that that was something i noticed i literally did that the other day i was like you know i think that was a me thing i think that was um i think that was actually like a me problem and that just reminded me to like you know it takes one person to like yeah change a relationship and also i was like that actually had nothing to do with you i'm just feeling like not confident which is also why i always say that's why i wanted to seek individual therapy too and i think honestly being an individual therapy helped my marriage more than marriage therapy ever did and um i all i talk about therapy a lot and i don't feel like this is something that like is necessarily not the only means to doing it i think it's really important to have goals with it and i think it's also like important to like not just go into therapy and then just like put your feelings in a pot and like stir it together like yeah i think it's good to like make actionables out of it yeah but i do think that like taking care like taking ownership of my own things changed my marriage more than even just like couples therapy oh i bet also have you seen that couple's therapy by the way the best show ever oh no i'm sorry i'm thinking a couple company retreat it's actually like couples going to therapy and like watching it yes that seems like a breach of trust well they agreed to it shoot um but it actually feels really real i think it is real you think it's held like a good show um i don't know about it's interesting yeah and it is and it's really interesting man i've been watching it we had to stop because it got really sad one couple separated and so i was like well dang it yeah i think the same thing can be accomplished outside therapy like being self-reflective yeah in a relationship that was really good advice i remember reading this in a book right when we got married and they talked about not keeping score in your marriage and not looking at your spouse like they didn't do this or this or this and i was doing all this this and this because then in your head you're just growing that bitterness in you and i think that was something i really had to learn in our first couple years of marriage and so then i'm looking and it's like no no even though i didn't see what he was doing all day he was really doing these this this and this and i think it's i think marriage really is just a lot of giving your partner the benefit of the doubt yes and being gracious towards them thank you to quince for sponsoring this portion of today's episode does anyone else feel like august is kind of like the sunday of summer it's the reset button right before fall it's the transition season from your summer wardrobe to your colder weather wardrobe quince proves you don't need a crowded closet to look incredible you just need the right pieces yes that can carry you from season to season yeah and let me tell you what i have been wearing from quince non-stop you've probably seen it i wear it 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that i can just dress up in so many different ways and i love versatile pieces because these trendy items end up they're gone they're out of the closet or they just sit there and you never end up wearing them right but i get so much wear out of my quince pieces upgrade your everyday go to quince.com abby for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns now available in canada and the uk too that's q-u-i-n-c-e dot com slash abby for free shipping and 365 day returns quince.com abby we have a question here like what's the worst advice so this is a some good advice i remember getting or reading about and it's just allowing your part to fail and i think specifically like okay yeah caleb is like the leader he makes that when we come to an impasse like i'm going to trust his final decision in these things and i'm very very grateful for that like how we talked about that i do not want to do that um but i think also he did this with me and i did this with him just allowing your your person to fail and grow and not holding that over their head let if they want to try something let them try things i think obviously there's like caveats to these things but um no one is born a great leader no one is born a perfect wife or husband it takes trial and error and so when your partner or your spouse errors you have to be gracious and like help build them back up not tear them down not become bitter through it and i think that was something that was super healthy and the way like we came out of year four really strong is because neither of us did that like he never held the debt over my head it took over a year to pay off that debt like he never held that over my head and never made me feel guilty about it was always only ever super encouraging about it and then with him taking this new job like i never held it over you know i never made him feel guilty or whatever just encourage and i feel very grateful in that that we gave each other this space to fail and to learn and to grow even with the costs that's really good advice yeah and i remember reading that in a book and that's always stuck with me and then i feel like we experienced it really hard so you're like wow we gotta put this wow really that stuck out to me for a reason thank you lord did you have the worst advice i did but i talked about it on unplanned before we got married in premiere okay well i could say it just before we got married um someone told us uh to that we need to take more time to be selfish yeah and i actually don't think that that would translate well and i think dating is a really good time to practice that muscle of selflessness so i was like that was bad advice i don't know i wouldn't recommend it i would say that's your time to try other like to be open-handed with life yeah when you're still dating you're not married you're not tied to this person right but to be selfish i just never think that actually would ever be good advice yeah totally maybe they meant it differently than i took it no i think yeah i think they probably meant how you took it like go do what you want to do yeah this person was a mentor yeah so i was like gotta be careful gotta be really careful with that yeah i never really subscribed to that thinking of like i need to go find myself before i go and get like married or start this next season of my life i just never really or like get things out of your system i'm like i just actually think you just need to flex self-control and like make a choice i don't know to me and then not be bitter about your choices you know i think a lot of that is a choice in my head to personally that's a personal choice yeah yeah my bad advice is kind of similar it was just wait to get married well this person said this because they were trying to tell us to wait to get married yeah okay questions from our audience which by the way we have no authority on this topic yeah maybe you should wait that could be really good advice to someone i think that could be really good advice we're just coming from our life experience um autumn asks what is an assumption you had about becoming a wife that turned out to be false that's a good question addy you got one not really i feel like maybe i thought like when i first got married that like the roles that we had in our marriage would stay the same forever like blake would always be the cook blake would always do these things i would always do these things and i think as we've been in our marriage longer it's shifted with the seasons and so i feel like i never thought i'd be the one cooking dinner every single night and then blake got a job and i was like oh like one of us has to cook and i'm home most of the day i am working but also like i don't have to commute 40 minutes after my work like i can start cooking dinner like that was a new shift that i realized and it's made me feel like more like a wife which is weird more like a wife and a mom that's good that's a good one addy just responsibilities shifting i didn't realize what happened yeah i think like us growing up we just i mean i grew up when my parents had a very traditional marriage like my dad left and worked out of the house my mom was a stay-at-home mom and so i think in my head i was like that's probably the picture of it i didn't necessarily want that for my life um not because they painted a picture of it poorly i was just like i just wanted to be a business owner you know um but maybe yeah now i'm like more in those roles so i'm like that's an assumption i had that now i'm feeling that is so funny because mine's the opposite yeah you're like what you want to be a business owner you're like you want to be a business owner you want to be a stay-at-home mom and now you're not no not that but i'm saying like i think that in marriage before i was like i think i'll just stay home with the kids and now like we have very equal parenting roles like very equal roles in the house like very equal in those ways and i think neither one of us necessarily like expected it to be so 50 50 and i'm really grateful for it too because i just feel like and we both have equal responsibility in both realms and that has made things a lot easier like not keeping score or pointing fingers because it's like we do have equal responsibility um but i just definitely didn't picture that and so i feel like also here's the other thing too i feel like we're always checking in with each other because we knew that going into marriage we had this vision which also how could we have even like had that vision at like 20 years old like that wasn't obviously you have to have some picture of what it's going to look like but that was just one of those things where it's like we really had no idea what life was right but um but then like i feel like matt every single day checks and he's like are you sure you're okay with this like are you sure and i'm like yeah are you sure you're okay with this and he's like yeah we're like okay it's fine but it's so weird how that initial vision of like wife husband like that can really still play a role even seven years in totally it's crazy uh-huh for sure duty maybe how do you bring up hard questions in the beginning of a relationship um i think that timeline is always a little tricky because you want it to be soon enough where if you're deciding hey i'm gonna be boyfriend girlfriend or exclusive or more i'm gonna step into a more serious relationship with someone i want to know what i'm getting into but then also if you say things too early like i don't know i have a hard time well then i feel like if it's too early then you even without trying you're just accidentally saying things that you're wanting to please the other person like it's too early like yeah i don't know i don't yeah to get to build that trust and comfort right i don't know i feel like my thing too is that i just like dive head first into those types of things which matt did too so then it made it easy but if both of you are kind of more like a little more hesitant a little more hesitant than that probably makes it a lot harder i would say like i always use those like little we like those like question cards on date nights yeah those are good it's like good it's like it's not me asking this question it's not you asking this question it's the card it's the third party yeah it's like we're we got to answer it because of the game yeah but then like obviously i feel like that's something that you'd only need to use at the beginning and then you could enter into those conversations more naturally later on yeah yeah i would say the time comes like when they're when something comes up maybe talk about then rather than like dumping all of them on a first date or a second date or definitely not that don't know and i think the i would also say even once you're in a relationship like the sooner the better i mean there were things that blake and i were doing that we both at one point he brought up to me and i was like oh my gosh i didn't want to be doing that either but you we we hadn't talked about it so i thought you were happy i thought i was happy and then i was like i wish we would have talked about this so much sooner like and so i feel like some of those conversations are hard but also bringing them up when they're on your mind yeah i think once you start feeling the weight of like oh i really want to have the conversation about this the minute you start sensing that your relationships get more serious you should just bring it up because then you always have this on this weight of like oh i love you and you can't make clear decisions or even just be yourself naturally because you always have this looming over you so you know i don't know that's a hard one sometimes i'm like oh so and so like i heard this happen to someone like what would you do in this like or what what do you like i don't know yeah hypothetical easier to bring up other people's scenarios and talk about it outside of your relationship yeah and at least early on i don't know yeah um caleb grace asks do you ever struggle with bitterness towards your husband over little things yeah yeah for sure yes yes but i think that's something that i actively am like oh i have to tell caleb i'm feeling bitter about this because if you let it harbor i heard this in a sermon once it's a bitterness is drinking poison expecting the other person to get sick but you're just getting sick like you're just ruminating and the other person has no idea what's going on you know what i mean they're so blissful and so whenever i feel like i'm in a situation where i'm in a situation where i feel that i just express it yeah but just see it usually takes me a couple days i gotta be the opposite i had to learn to hold my tongue like i was like abby is this this is really important to voice this like i just have to learn to just not voice everything the filter yeah to filter it or like be like in this moment it's just not the time i would bring it up like every time like as in the most hottest moment i'd bring it up and then i would literally be like i just literally threw gasoline on this and i like i could just could not stop blowing things up and so i feel like learning to hold my tongue was actually what i needed to help in those bitterness and then i realized like over time i was like i could see more clearly that i was like that wasn't a big deal but i do think you need to know yourself like we have different we were coming from different angles on that like i'm like the person i'm like let me just talk a million miles a minute and tell you everything i feel and why i feel that way and what you could do differently so i don't feel that way in the future and then it's just like right and then i'm let me sit on it for like 10 days and then let me get mad that you're silent yeah literally you don't know what to say like i had a really that was just my tendencies but yeah i think it's better to have a conversation we do this thing called take a break and it really does work out really well it took a long time to nail this skill but it was like as soon as things were like starting to feel like our emotions feel elevated this doesn't mean that you're yelling or name calling but it just means that you're just feeling like certain like i just say i'm feeling hot yeah like then i would just be like hey like can i take five can we take five and just come back to this sometimes it's 15 and sometimes it's like we just maybe need to wait until the kids go to bed and then we'll talk about this and then that skill because it's not like you don't communicate then because we still work together like we still have to communicate yeah it was really good to like have to put that in a box and then revisit it and i think that goes with bitterness too like if i was like oh that's making me feel really really too dark right now i wonder in 15 minutes if i'm gonna feel the same way about that yeah for sure that kind of goes into this question by mariah she said your biggest advice during disagreements with your spouse take a break yeah if it's heated you gotta step away and like calm down i will say i will say i'm just putting this out there saying take a break sounds so easy um you gotta make sure the other person's on the same page i asked for a year i asked for a break every single time i get one about 50 of the time and i'm like i need it or i'm gonna keep screaming like please yeah that's hard because then does it feel like break i know i'm mad and i can't get out of it you know yeah but i could see on blake's end where he's like you're you're like fleeing the yeah i'm like problem sometimes i'm not putting you on blast we're okay um i he doesn't listen i like will take my break and then he'll come to me i'm like i'm not i will come back when i'm ready he'll come try and talk to me if you set a time and say it's like because then that other person feels like it's going you're going to circle back and see it through and say if you say like five minutes and then maybe you're not ready in five minutes you go back and say hey i actually need a little bit more time but making sure that it's not like take a break and then you go to bed and you wake up the next morning and then like that's where it doesn't really work yeah for sure but it does take a lot of effort on the other person's end to acknowledge that but i feel like for us now like having exercised that I'm like, yeah. - It works so much better. I'm like, Blake understands it too. No, if you give me a break, it will be better. Just please send it to me. I don't even start a conversation when I'm feeling mad. I don't even, and if I start to feel mad, I'm like, hey, let's, I'm feeling so mad. I'm not talking about this tonight. I'm gonna talk about it tomorrow. Cause I, when I get mad, my thoughts don't form. See, the thing is it starts and then it makes me mad. Well, I'm not mad at the beginning. Yeah, usually like whatever it is, if we talk about something and then we're getting upset, I'll ruminate on things and my thoughts for like three days or whatever. And I'll have to write them all down. I'm like, hey, I'm, I'm still really mad about this, but I will talk to you about it tomorrow. Like I, I like drag things out, but I do not want to talk about things in the moment when I'm mad because I say things I don't mean. So I have to form all my thoughts out. And then I, when I go, we, we sit down, I'm like, okay, I'm ready to talk about this or I want to bring it up. It's usually like at a quiet time at night when we're alone. And normally I've gone past this mad part. And then I'm just feeling sad that we're in a fight and I can talk about it. But we never, I never, I'm never engaging when I'm like heated. Cause it ain't, it ain't pretty. It ain't pretty. I am. And that's one thing that we've talked about recently is, and I'm trying to remember it. And it actually comes up in my brain all the time now is that I'm like, I don't want our marriage to be marked by fighting and arguing. Like, I don't want that to be a mark of our marriage. And so that's just like what keeps, I learned that like three days ago, maybe that I, I was like, that's my new motto is that I don't want our marriage to be marked by that. And so I feel like that's been helping me whenever I'm like getting annoyed. About something else. I'm like, that's not what I want my marriage to be marked by. So it's not worth it. Or so sometimes it works. Sometimes it doesn't. That's good. Having a goal in your head of like, what is, what is the goal here? Yeah. Is love a, or Kathy wants to know, is love a feeling or a choice? Both. Actually, that's what you should listen to us during our kids podcast. You know what they talk about? They talk a lot. They're like, cause S cause Arthur's, Arthur Brooks is a professor at Harvard. He studies like brain, but he's like, or the brain. He's like the happiness expert professor. But he always says, he's like, if it was just a feeling that would just be so lame because it's just an activity in the limbic system. Cause he's thinking about the brain. He's like, that's just like activity in your limbic system. He's like, that's not anything special. And so he's like, it's, it's like a deep commitment and like choice every single day to like be in love with the person that you have chosen to share your life with. But yeah, he was like, it's just activity in the limbic system or something like that. I was like, that's funny. That's a good way to put it. I was like, that was a professor thing to say. Yeah. I feel like there's also like just feelings of love. Like the other morning I was like, I was braille was sitting in her high chair. I was making pancakes. Blake got up. I let him sleep in and I was dancing to force Frank in the kitchen. I asked him later that day. I said, when you walked out, you saw that. Did you just, were you just like, this is exactly what I wanted with my life. My dreams have come true. He later on, he was like. Yeah, I guess. Yeah. I'm like, that's a feeling of love of being like, this is like what I've looked forward to. So there's those feelings too. Caleb called me yesterday after your recording. He was like, your location was turned off and I just, I was calling to see where you are. And I think to me, I was like, oh, he cares where I'm at. Like he thinks about me, you know, cause I check in on him. Then I'm like, oh, where's his like job site at? Or is it close? Can I go visit? Or like, when's he coming home? Is he on his way home yet? And I, in my head, I, he never checked my location. I was like, he never, never. It's the. So when he checked, I was like, oh, he's thinking about me. Okay. So suspicious. Why did you turn your location off? I didn't. I think it, I don't know what happened. I saw a TikTok like that the other day of like, that was like me on the phone with my husband when he calls me every day to tell me he's on his way home. But I've already turned his location. I already know. I already know. No, literally. At 5:00 PM. If I don't see him, I'm like, when are you going to be home? Me too. I'm like, oh, when are you going to be home? Uh, or he was like, uh, yesterday I was like, how far are you away? He's like 20 minutes. I'm like. Okay. But at 5:05 you left. So you should be only like 10 minutes away. Yeah. Whenever Caleb's like far for jobs, I always do the, um, I go to his location. I'm like, how far many minutes away is this location? His are far. Sometimes they are. Yeah. Gosh. How do you draw the line between compromise and simply lowering your standards? I don't think I've ever lowered my standards. Yeah. I don't think you should. But compromise I think is more so within like just decisions or like little things. But it's never, I'm never like, uh, I've never lowered my standard. I want to be careful in saying this because I don't know that it's always the case, but I feel like oftentimes, at least now having been together for 10 years, I don't recognize compromise is like compromise even like, it's just like, oh, we changed our mind. Like you just like literally start to think like this. Caleb and I got in a fight about that. Not a fight, but he was like, do you realize you've never, he's like, I always compromise. Or I always bend. And I said, I don't think we're, I don't think that's a, I don't think I'm bending. I think we just agreed that this is the way to do it together. And he's like, no, that's me compromising. And I'm like, really? And I learned that I have a bad definition of compromise. He's like, I'm changing my mind to do what you want to do. Maybe we have been wearing the pants the whole time. I think Caleb is just, he's like, I don't know. And I said, I think you're right. I think I do all the time, which that's not a fair thing to say. I do all the time, but he's like, yeah, I think we just have different definitions of it. I'm like, oh, I'm just agreeing with what you want to do is me compromising and vice versa. And then we're making the decision to get like, in my head, that's, I'm like, I thought we arrived there together. Same, same. I thought I made a compelling case and you agreed wholeheartedly a hundred percent. So I think I needed just a different, we need to make clear definitions of compromise. That's tough. Maybe we've just been actually making all the decisions and we didn't even realize it. I don't think so. But I, yeah. When you said that, I was like, wait, what? We didn't fight, but I was like, we were laughing about it and arguing because I was like, I don't think so. I don't think so. But lowering standards, I don't think Caleb and I have ever lowered our standards for each other. No, I don't think that you, yeah. I don't actually think they're the same thing. I don't think so either. I don't think standards and compromise are the same thing. Yeah. No. Cause you're not, you're not compromising on like a big issue. Yeah. Like I'm like, I'm like, yeah, you don't need a job. Like that's, I'm not, that's a standard. That's not going to be lowered. You know what I mean? You like, and I also feel like standards are really set by morals and I feel like those don't. Shift or shouldn't. Yeah. You should be aligned on those. So it's kind of like. Yeah. Those are kind of the framework. Yeah. Those are your pillars. Yeah. We're not moving the pillars. Yeah. I have a, just like a personal question for you guys. Do you, um, speaking of like compromise and holding, like not holding grudges, but like making a score on certain things, there's a lot of like scores I don't keep for like arguments. Score is different there. Score and compromise on girls nights or him going out and watching the kid or do it like, do you guys keep track of that throughout a week? Did that make sense? My question. Yeah. Like there's girls dinner tonight. We've got your birthday. Well, we're both going to the birthday party on Friday. I've got a baby shower on Saturday morning. Yeah. We've got a girls hangout on Saturday night. I got to balance that with Blake. Yeah. Do you guys think about that at all? Yes. But then whenever Caleb has to do something, I'm like, you please go do it. Yeah. Yeah. I feel excited for Matt when he gets to like go out and do stuff with guys and we're always like encouraging the other person to go do things with their friends. So I feel like it's never been a huge issue because it also does feel pretty even. Actually. I'm just kidding. I go out more than. Yeah. I go out more than Caleb, but it evens out. I feel like there's. I feel like there's just an understanding during the day that like our rules are different. So if I go out with my friends at night, it's like acceptable. I don't know. I'm like, I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. Yeah. I get what you're saying though. Cause I think Caleb has made comments where he's like, you hang out with your friends all the time. I'm like, I don't really get to. And I understand where he's coming from. Not because he doesn't want to hang out with his friends because he feels like he's gone all day and then comes home and wants to be with his family. Where then when he comes home, I'm like, oh, I get to go like have a break and go hang out with my friends. And then he's like, but I want to be with my family. You know? And so sometimes that's a little different. I think in that dynamic where like Blake's going out to work too and then coming home. Yeah. It's different. So I, sometimes we do think about it, like I'm not going to the dinner tonight cause we're going to have a family night. Yeah. So yeah, there's just, I try to, if there's a lot going on, you know, and my mom's in town, so it just feels, it feels like, well, that's me. I'm compromising. I'm not getting my nails done this week. Cause that would be an hour that Blake would have to watch Braille. I really need to get that done. Yeah. That is funny. I'm going to do it next week. But if I asked Blake, he'd be like, yeah, sure. But like in my mind, I'm like another night of you watching Braille for an hour, I can't do it. I'm sorry. That's funny. No, I feel like Matt would be like, go, go, go. Yeah. No, that would be Blake. If I told him I was going to go get my toes done, he'd be like, go. Yeah. Now there would be a show turned on. I will say that. And by the way, in your house, I was going to say my house too. Yeah. At my house, there'd be a show turned on. And that's one of those things where I'm like, I'm just going to keep my mouth shut. Blake put on Sophia the first again this morning for his wake up with Braille. I love that he puts on shows for Braille. It's not like she's not even asking for it. I will say, he did clean the house this morning while he has her sitting and watching Sophia the first. So I can't be mad. He's like, she's contained. Yeah, exactly. I think I came to the conclusion a lot of times on like, it's not that like Blake is going to do it. He's going to do it. He's going to do it. He's going to do it. He's going to do it. Yeah. He's going to do it. He's going to do it. Yeah. He's going to do it. He's going to do it. He's going to do it. He's going to do it. Yeah. like he's like a thrill out of it like he loves watching a show with him okay last question and then we'll switch over to patreon what is the best way for families to meet each other dinner seems too awkward at first like when you're dating meeting each other's family meeting each other's families or your family's meeting each other families meeting each other it is a little awkward at first but i think that first time is awkward than the second time it's so fun she's gonna push through the awkward like the different the husband's family and the wife's family meeting each other for the first time i don't even remember how that happened my mom and matt's mom were already friends so that we kind of got a little easy off there i think because yeah we were in high school and like doing things i think they met at prom or something like it was really short and casual the first time they met i think doing something short and casual the first time you meet is great like maybe it's an event or yeah because think about it if you don't live in the same state as your families and then you have to really make an effort to like that i can see that being really awkward so my family blake's family go to a restaurant met at like they both came to church i think maybe i was getting baptized that day or blake was getting baptized one of those days so then they were both there and then we went out to dinner lunch with both of the family go to a public place just so it's just a little bit like less stressful maybe you set up a short meeting and then at nighttime you have a dinner like you have something before the dinner to break the ice at the dinner like okay if you're all getting in town it's like oh let's all go get a coffee and then we can go whatever we can check out yeah like let's go check out this i don't have an idea for you but in my head i'm thinking like our place overall flow in oh let's go grab let's go pick up lunch here and then we can all go like go disperse we can meet there and then we can talk about what we want to do for dinner and then you actually have dinner together but you go you meet you just got to break the ice at some point you know and then at night you go to dinner yeah and not like you won't even really remember how you guys even got your first time i feel like there's not gonna be a lot of times your families are i mean maybe an engagement party and then wedding activities that's really like i feel like most of the time and then once you're married it's a little i mean it can look a lot of different ways it can look a lot of different ways where everyone lives and all the things i mean i feel like my family and my husband's family are way closer than i like ever thought they would and they wouldn't have been like if we all never moved from if we were all still back in missouri and illinois they wouldn't be as close as they are now maybe you do like a facetime like a big facetime and it's like hey we wanted to do a facetime and set up a plan for dinner whatever this night and then everyone gets on the facetime together and you like introduce and then i'm just trying to think of something where your first time that you're meeting is not when you're shaking hands and be like i'm paul and i'm ronda you know what i mean like it's wow so good to like see you it was fun meeting you on the call let's have dinner and talk do you know what i mean ask ask ask abby back on hi abby abby and addy i'm a mom of three beautiful kids 11 8 and 5 and my eight-year-old has been very curious of the things i liked when i was a kid so i was just wondering what your favorite toy was growing up i love your guys podcast thanks bye that's sweet it's a good question remember light brights yes i don't think they make them anymore because those absolutely those are the little ones i almost have like a peg yeah it's a cube yeah i liked those things i liked perler beads remember those iron those beads yeah those weren't really my mom wasn't really a big craft mom and so i had them i wasn't really allowed to play with them they just had to sit there yeah kind of i had them but wasn't really she didn't like this um i love barbies i had a dream house in my room i would just go and play barbies for hours loved them i didn't have in poly pockets i love play pockets i didn't have those either my little pet shop loved them i'm thinking maybe my little pet shop i really can't remember what i played with i know there were pets loved web i did love what we're going into digital games webkins club penguin i did the tinkerbell game oh did you have uh do cooking mama yes yes cooking mama and diner dash and hotel dash oh i don't know i did hotel no those that one is good too i love disney channel the pizzeria disc game oh there was like a pizzeria one too where you're making pizzas for people yeah a lot of video games i guess oh i would play like cool math games that site cool math games cool free rice.com do you remember that one no oh well i gave rice to a lot of orphans so i'm better than you free rice.com yeah it was you would go and do math questions and then they would give grains of rice wow i hope it was real interesting i really thought of doing a service you got scammed i didn't pay grains of rice okay next question hi abby's what is your guys's biggest pet peeve i feel like i've talked about mine before chewing yeah chewing it's just infuriating it's just infuriating my kids do it now my kids do it now and actually it stopped being cute a little bit when they do it yeah it doesn't bother cj's actually pretty good about chewing with his mouth closed last night gil was eating something and i was like oh my god i'm so sorry i'm so sorry i'm so sorry i'm so sorry and it was like you put the initial chip in and he did good and then it was like the second or third chew and i was like this i go knock it off yeah matt so nasty it's literally never bothered me ever i've never thought about it i failed a test in school because of it other than chewing gum that's really spooky i would say another pet peeve of mine is um when someone jumps me in line i don't know why that really gets me it's inconsiderate i'm not gonna say anything ever but in my head i'm just like that wasn't fair oh i usually say what scenario where are you thinking oh sorry there's a line it just happened uh at a play gym snack area i'm waiting with my kids and i have a child that i'm not getting a snack for myself i mean i surely look like i would like a snack right now but i was getting it for him and this adult just comes in right and is that when they bought all the pretzels yeah that's why i was really worried someone came in front and then yeah we still got one okay good yeah i usually i'm like oh we've been waiting i don't feel bad saying that yeah no because i don't think it's usually intentional totally i think they just didn't know this one was really weird that one felt intentional yeah we were with other people and they go oh okay beat it lady but then i was like since we all got cut like am i gonna be the spokesperson i'm not gonna be a spokesperson yeah okay like if it's just me maybe i'll speak up i'm not gonna speak up for other people well wait a minute that's i usually do i'm not gonna speak i was the end of the line gotcha they were more cut than me oh yeah no no it's only if i'm first yeah if there's people behind me if i'm behind it happened in front of me i'm not gonna make a scene there was two people in front of me and then it's not your place too so then i was like that's not your place but i was i was bugged yeah it would be bugging it was bugging yeah that's crazy all right last probably an accident oh wait did you say yours chewing chewing just chewing hello abby abigail and abby i just want to say i would really love your show so much i feel like i'm just hanging out with mom friends it's actually the best okay anyways my question is do you have any tips for navigating being sick with a sick kid because my six-month-old baby is experiencing her first cervical and i've experienced it right along with her so how do i care for myself and for her is it possible please help me please oh sorry the hardest thing that's the hardest thing that is the hardest thing and at that age of six months it's not like you can just throw on a shirt and you're like oh my god i'm so sorry i'm so sorry that they'll just sit and watch her that is so hard and it's so scary when it's the first time with your first kid because yeah you just don't know you're like watching like a hawk your anxiety is high you know um so what was the actual question i felt like it was a little muffled um what do you do when you have a sick kid and you're sick like just any tips for tips yeah yeah phone a friend yeah someone have someone take care of dinner for you like maybe your husband go out and bring dinner you know don't cook make your life as easy as possible and don't feel guilty about it no watch tv rest relax it's just one of those things and just tell your husband you need him to step up if yeah you need to come home early from work please come home early for it heaven forbid your husband gets sick on top of all this that would be crazy that is the that is that's my pet peeve that would be the mountaintop yeah yeah i'm sorry that's really hard i think yeah just rest do what you can offload what you can let people take care of people take care of you yeah and and when when you start to get on for the hump get out of the house you get out of the house because you will lose it you have to lose you have to get out of the house even if it's just to go to target for like just walk around and then leave and go home just get out of the house that's good yeah agreed okay that's it always hungry yum okay always hungry my recipe oh wait should we say the phone number for the recipes or for the voicemail yeah i love calling we would love to hear from you guys we love we've always said voicemails are like probably our favorite part of this and if you want to call in we'd love to hear from you the number is 602-456-9690 yeah thank you guys the last part of the show is always hungry where we share a recipe that we've made in the past we've enjoyed or recently tried this has been a tried and true recipe that i've made over and over and over and over again and it does have to do with ice cream which if you're on the patreon i shared a lot of ice cream recipes recently yeah we just talked a lot about ice cream on patreon but this is with vanilla ice cream okay and it's actually a blueberry crumble and it's super simple it's just blueberries on the bottom of your pan and you mix up oats brown sugar maple syrup a little salt it's the most simple ingredients you probably already have in your pantry and you put it on top and you bake it and the blueberries burst the crumble gets nice and crunchy and then you just spoon it over vanilla ice cream it's like i might make it tonight now i'm talking about it it sounds so good yeah yeah it's amazing mine's also a berry recipe really yeah i was just gonna link my berry cobbler syrup because people were asking because i made a berry cobbler latte it was good and matt really loves this syrup too we go through it pretty quick it's literally so simple and it's a lot there's some suspicious ingredients in coffee syrups i still buy them but this one has really good ingredients and this link also has like instructions on how to make a latte i feel like you could just make the syrup and you can probably adjust the milk and espresso ratio to how you like it but the syrup is really easy really really yummy it was so good i got it out yesterday to try to use it is it still good so no that's the batch that matt made he um he did mess up just a little bit how long does it say it lasts for two weeks that was a fresh batch that was made this past weekend oh okay fine i didn't use it because i didn't know how long i've been in there for but yeah it was fresh though but he did shove the fruit through the strainer i would say don't do that oh it's going to be less like a syrup and more seedy oh okay makes sense um he just really wanted to get the most out of it i know i love that he's like let me maximize this berry yeah he's like let me maximize literally every single thing yeah i get that i was like you know what this is a little chunky well it sounds delicious it was delicious um that ninja coffee good yummy yummy well thank you so much for listening and following along on the show if you guys would like to leave us a review we'd really appreciate it on any of your podcast listening platforms we have a review here from marla c04 she said five stars love this podcast i look forward to hearing you guys every friday girls are just so positive and uplifting i feel like i'm hearing my friends having a conversation that's awesome that's our goal so nice you said that because i'm a little bit worried that some things need to be cut out of this episode because we literally just forgot that we were recording for about 30 minutes no context on a lot of those things no context but i think it was good so thank you guys for your review our august book club is yellow face by rf kwang and that's all i got that's everything thank you so much for being here and remember we're always here you