Mark Normand | Son of a Boy Dad #402

Hey, son-of-a-boy dad listeners, you can find every episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. You guys ever get limp stick? I'm not talking about on the ice. Rougiette Ready is a custom-compounded 3-in-1 ED treatment designed to get your brain and body back in action. It dissolves under your tongue, no pills or water needed, works in just 15 minutes on average. It can last up to 36 hours, so no buzzer beating here. It is doctor-prescribed, 100% online, and ships directly to your door. Go to Rougiette.com slash chicklets, get 15% off, and start scoring today. That's R-U-G-I-E-T dot com slash chicklets. Work hard and hydrate hard with Body Armor Flash IV. Whether you're working in extreme heat or powering through a long shift, Body Armor Flash IV delivers faster, longer-lasting hydration. With more than 2,000 milligrams of electrolytes, vitamins B and C, and zinc, coconut water, and no artificial sweeteners, flavors or preservatives, Rougiette Ready is a custom-compounded 3-in-1 ED treatment designed to get your brain and body back in action. Body Armor Flash IV keeps you performing at your best. Get Body Armor Flash IV at your local 7-Eleven. Alrighty. Well, nothing much to it. You got your vinyl up there. Mark was like, what's the premise? That's not real. Oh, shit. You fooled me. It's like, premise. Well, Harry's Diary might be our premise. Yeah, we have no premise. Alright, great. Happy to say. Alright, shall we? Let's do it. Label out on that, too. That's sponsored. Label out. Alright, welcome back to the Son of a Boy Dad podcast. We are here, joined by Mark Normand. Hey, good to be here. Thank you for being here. Thank you for joining us. Fellows, how we doing? Good energy, up top, electric. Did you stutter? It's going to be hard to follow that. Boys? Um, how about it? You're like walking into a GameStop. You don't know when you're high. I don't know what's going on. I never know how to start it when we don't know when the exact date it's coming out is. Oh, yeah, this is going to come out in the future. Sometime next week. They all do. Holy fuck. Kevin Hart's doing like a new show. Huh? Where it's like, I mean, it's kind of like Last Comic Standing to an extent. Yeah, yeah. They have judges and then they have young comics come on. And perform for them and they vote who's the best and all that shit. If you're doing that show, how do you know when to like hit the Nas? Like, are you using your best material? It's like America's Got Talent. If you're a comic, are you using your best shit right at the top of the show? Yeah. But then what about like week eight when it's like the finals? Then you're fucked. That's pretty much what's going on. I've watched the first two episodes. The first one, it's like they just do like the cellar and everyone does like a 10 minute spot or something like that. And then like the second episode, they're like they're roasting. Like Marshawn Lynch, which is a very odd. Yeah. Like task to be provided with. But yeah, so they're they're roasting Marshawn Lynch. And that was terrible. No one did well. They all did bad. Can we touch on Marshawn Lynch for one second? Yeah, yeah. I don't I was actually thinking about this while I was watching. I was like, because they bring out Marshawn Lynch. The crowd's going insane. And in my head, I was like, who's having that? Who would be having that reaction? Yeah, Marshawn. I don't know. Be careful, Francis. What are you about to say about Marshawn Lynch? So this is my thought about Marshawn Lynch. And this is a thought that I've always had about Marshawn Lynch, which is that, as we may remember, during his playing days, he professed to have an anxiety about postgame interviews that bordered on like crippling social like claustrophobia. Do you remember? Yeah, kind of. Because they kept fining him for it. And then he'd get up there and have to do it. And all the pundits were like this poor guy. You can just see him breaking. Clearly, he's not comfortable. And yet now he's spun out into a cross cultural media career. Yeah. How do you go from not being able to answer? So what do you think about their defense to playing a guy on Euphoria? That to me is bullshit. I and, you know, maybe he doesn't care about this call bullshit on like a mental health thing. But yeah, he beat it. You can't you're like pissed that he doesn't. Have cancer forever like he was doing stuff with Conan. He really got like all kinds of front facing speech oriented roles and things that require him being on camera and talking on camera and being himself. And he seems to be relishing it. And that's to his credit. But I don't find that squares for me with with how insanely crippled he became postgame interview. Do you remember this? Yeah. No, I've seen him eating things other than Skittles. Like, I think he's a fraud. I think he's full of shit. Yes. We have all the athletes to roast. Like, yeah. Get a Michael Vick. Yeah. Aaron Rodgers is a lot of kooky stuff going on. Marshawn Lynch just feels a little dated. Yeah. It just doesn't really make sense. And like the crowd. It's in a theater. Right. And the crowd's going insane. I mean, that's all, you know. Yeah. Yeah. Hey, come on. There's like a director. I feel like if I saw Marshawn Lynch, I'd be like, holy shit, it's Marshawn Lynch. Yeah. And then that would be it. I would never think about it again. You'd move on to your next airport. He's roastable, though. He's cross-eyed. He is cross-eyed. Cross-eyed. That's timeless. That's like. Yeah. You can always find something there. Something physical. Everything I just said was just an audition for Kevin Hart's show. I didn't mean any of it, honestly. I actually am a big fan. I honestly think I have a theory that Kevin Hart's not even there while they're filming the show. Right. Yeah. Every time they cut to him, it looks like he's in like just his own room with like a green screen behind it. Sounds right. That's what's the problem with these shows is like, I never watch these because what they do to stand up, like, we're all going to live in a house and then we're going to cook a pizza and we're going to roast the pizza, you know, like they always have to make some event. And so it started off with comedy. They're at the cellar. They're doing stand up. OK, but now we're off on roasting. And then the next one's like, we're going to build a lawnmower out of sticks. Why not just have it be comedy, though? All the time. I don't know. Comedy to comedy. I think they're out of material. It is like I don't know. I feel like these shows like the payoff doing them as a comic. It's like you either win or you just look like a fucking dumbass. Right. It's kind of tough. Like, I don't I don't think I would ever be able to do something like that. Like, I was watching the roast like they have to roast like, you know, like in a regular roast, like you'll roast the guest, the special guest, and you'll roast everyone else on like the panel and everything. Yes. Like they have to do that at a theater. But it's like no one knows the people because they're all like small comedians and sure spread out around America. So it's like you're roasting just like a random dude to the crowd. I honestly don't want to see white people roasting. I have no interest in it. I just need my black brothers to be doing it. I really don't want to sit. There's like no, no white dudes. That's like, oh, he's fucking killing it right now. It's an art form. If some black dudes are doing it, they have a different. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know, man. Jeff Ross, Greg Giraldo. OK. Hello, Greg. And also I saw Shane Gillis is his couple of his Kevin Hart jokes. They're pretty great. Yeah. He said that they were good. They're dicey. He's going to get in trouble. I think I'm more talking about like classroom roasting. Oh, everybody's like snapping on each other. I think that like if you want. Yeah. And a Serbic well-written, like sharp joke. Yeah. Those are probably the guys to go to. Snapping. Snapping. What is it? There was like a show and it's like a bunch of dudes. It's like a bunch of grown comics sitting in like a classroom. And it's the fun. It's the funniest fucking show ever. All they're doing is like roasting on each other. I don't know. It's like on the spot. That's a great idea. It's so fucking funny. Is it called? Is it roast me? So if you don't know, Mark, Roan grew up in the hood. And I don't even think I'm actually kidding. He's he was a world champion battle rapper. This is all true. What? And yeah, that is King of the Dot, which is their kind of Super Bowl. And, um, and so he comes, he comes, he's, he's like Mark Wahlberg in that movie, Four Brothers. Oh, yeah. Good. Uh, where instead of like violence, they rapped. Yeah. Um, there's probably a better movie comparison. If you're going to compare to a rap battle, there's probably like eight mile. Yeah. Maybe, maybe, maybe. Oh yeah. That would work. I forgot about that fish, fish out of water, uh, sort of premise. Um, but I gave that up a long time ago because it is, uh, not like a movie. It's not lucrative. And after a while, embarrassing to keep on doing, you know what I mean? There's like, you kind of have to age out of that. You can't just do that shit forever. But this show was funny as fuck. These dudes are, I think that this is the one I'm talking about. It's five seasons. See eyes in it. Just these deals. I mean, I, without even hearing it, I can already tell. It's funny. That's funny. That's really funny. This is brilliant. I've, I've never heard of it. I've read it. I don't see it. It would be something. It would be something that you would like and maybe even thrive at, but I went to public school. If you had been there, wouldn't you have been right at home? Um, I think these dudes are significantly funnier than I am. I think that these dudes are so, and there's something about the, the way you deliver the joke where you're laughing at your own joke and then everybody starts laughing at it. It's like a supreme confidence to be able to machine gun. Cause I don't even know if these dudes are writing it. Maybe they are in their deliveries. Just so natural. Yeah. Yeah. I would have been sitting in one of those chairs being like, can we please shut up? so we can learn something? You guys keep distracting from the reason we're all here. You said you went to public school? Yeah. What was the ratio? I was in New Orleans, so I'd say it was probably 70-30 black. Okay. Oh, wow. Yeah. Really? So was it that kind of thing? Totally. A lot of zinging, a lot of zanging, a lot of your mama's so fat. I think I'm a little older than you guys, so it was a lot of just- Classic mom shit. Any appearance. And black people have this weird ability to get kind of abstract and creative with a zing. One time a guy told me, he's like, shut the fuck up, man. You look like a rich lady's dog. And it crushed the class about me. And I was like, damn, that's good. But I don't know if he's right or wrong, but just the fact that he came up with that blew my mind. Everything about it's good. The economy of language, it's fast. You get to the punchline really well. That's pretty brilliant. Brilliant shit coming out of those guys, and they're all homeless now. At the time, though, if they had the MTV2 cast with them, it was filming then. Mark, did your school have metal detectors? No, it was kind of before all that. We never got that far. I was going to say, they'd probably be going off all the time with their teeth and whatnot. Yeah, true. True, and the jewelry. But yeah, it was dicey, for sure. That's exciting. Doing that like they were throwing dice? Well, the weird thing is we never had a school shooting, because they were black. They don't do that. They don't do that. Ironically. Black people have the metal detectors at the school, but they don't shoot each other like we do. Does it just not count? Is there a tree falling? Why is that? You know what they say is that the only thing that can stop a school shooter is a black student with a gun. Did you see that principal that tackled the guy? Yes. That was amazing. That was like out of a movie. The fat, balding principal. Everybody wants to believe that that's what they would do. Totally. You want to think that that's what they would do? But I just, I know for a fact I wouldn't do that. No? No. Sprinting the other way. As a teacher? Yeah. Like throwing kids behind you into the line of fire? I wouldn't trust you to just sprint. In general. Look at that. That's so sick. That's crazy. I mean, this guy's got to be 58, 60. Wow. And then he went to prom the next week after he got out. Yeah, I saw that. Because he got shot in the leg. Oh, he did? Because of that. Yeah. Dang, no. And then he went to prom and he got crowned the king. It's like a movie shit. Yeah. Well, everyone dances. But the paraplegic. It's so easy to get invited if you're a paraplegic. Yeah. But Francis, I'm just scared that that'll never be you. Because I know that you want it so bad. But I feel like you just have had like chances recently. I've only had the one chance. You had two chances. When was the other one? The guy on the street out here. And then the people biking in from Brooklyn that stole that lady's purse right in front of you while you were on the bike. I know that one. What was the one out here on the street? There was like a guy that you like accosted or something. But then you like let him go. You took pictures. And the girl that was vandalizing. Francis wants to be a hero. You're talking about. Really? You stopped? He wants to stop crime. He thinks he would. But he had three chances. But he hasn't. He hasn't stopped any crime. Wait a minute. Whoa. Let's break those three chances down. I'll tell you. Because you're a city biker, right? Big time. Yeah, me too. I took one here. Yeah. Hell yeah. I city bike everywhere. Helmet? Yeah, I do wear one now. Ever since the comic passed away. I know. It's pretty horrible. That hit way too close to home for me. I'm like that. I literally take that route that he hit his head on. It was. What's his name? Casey? Kenny DeForest. Kenny DeForest. Yeah. He just like went out. He hit a pothole, went over the handlebars and hit his head on a car fender. And that's it. That's it. It wasn't like he didn't hit a moving car. He wasn't like drinking. Nothing. Yeah. So I was like, all right, I'm going to wear a helmet. Is that it? I'm just kidding. That would be so sad. That is a Harvard lacrosse helmet, but it would be a little on the nose if I wore that bike around the city. Like seeking out contact. Like running into shit with a shoulder pad. Like one of those guys on those single wheel things where they have like arm pads on. That is what they wear. They wear the full face shield. Yeah. Yeah. I saw one of those dudes yesterday weaving in and out of my face. Kneeling from side to side. They're amazing. Mark, I was, I live in Dumbo. I live in Dumbo. I live in Dumbo. And, uh, I was coming into the city and I was getting on the Manhattan bridge and I saw out of the left to the left, like kind of out of the corner of my eye, I saw a woman get knocked down. Oh shit. She was just waiting kind of on the curb. And I saw then a guy close by to her really like wobbling on a bike, on a city bike and e-bike. And I was also on an e-bike and then four other people were like with him on e-bikes. And I just, I started to process what happened. I noticed that he was slinging a woman's bag over his shoulder. So he had like driven up, ridden up to her, knocked her down, grabbed her handbag, slung it over his shoulder and then biked off with his like four lookouts or whatever. Oh wow. And I turned to chase them down. Four of them. Yeah, that was the problem. They were in a flying V too. It was five. It was five. There was the, there was the thief. And then there was. His four. Henchmen. Whoa. Flankers. And I thought, I think confidently I could overtake them simply because I city bike so much that I know, I know really how to get the most juice out of my e-bike. Okay. The physics. The key is to let it sit for a couple seconds and then give it a couple pumps. That's not it. It's like hitting turbo and matting. Do you think that those guys know how to like draft and to lower their head to the point where they're, you know what I mean? Like I was going to go full tour de France. Yeah. On them to, to hunt them down and do it in a way where they wouldn't have, they would have been like, Oh, this guy's in a hurry. Yeah. And then all of a sudden I'm, I'm knocking them down. I played the whole thing out in my head a number of times. Your plan was to get, knock them down, get the purse and then bail out before they beat My plan was just to knock him. The guy who had stolen the purse was to knock him down. Okay. That was my whole plan. But why wouldn't the four other guys just beat the shit out of you? Cause they're all, the first guy I had a stick and I was going to throw it in his spokes. Oh my God. Oh my God. Indiana Jones style. He flips over forward. Much like in, um. The stick would have just exploded. He would have just cleanly written off. Did you ever see that movie, uh, with the, with the, the cyclists in, it was like, um, it was a great movie. It had Dennis Quaid in it from the 1980s. Oh, breaking away. Breaking away. Amazing film. What a great movie. Great movie. And he finally rides with the Italian team and they throw, they throw the wrench in his spokes and flip them over. So that was what inspired. That's how I got the first guy. All right. That's one guy. And then the second guy, I think I was just going to hopefully push away. Right. And then maybe the other two guys now realize I'm not to be fucked with. So they bug off. They like bug out. You know? Yeah. But then now it's just me and the guy with the, with the bag. Okay. Were they young? Oh yeah. Yeah. All right. That helps. Yeah. What, like how old were they though? You know, probably like 16 to 20. Ah, they got another year. They're going to lose. It's dangerous. I think they would have pieced you up. I have nothing to lose. No, they would have found it. They would have found whatever you have to lose and they would have taken it. They would have lured you to a one way. They would have lured you to a cul-de-sac. The only thing I have, well, bring me into my own fucking environment, bring me to a home game. Oh no. Oh look, ring cam is perfect. Just what I want. I want this documented. So it goes viral and I get, you know. So I grew up in a bad, pretty bad neighborhood and I got my bike stolen. I got my bike stolen all the time. And one time three guys pushed me off. I was like 11, 12 and they were probably 16, 17. They had armpit hair, which freaked me out. I'll never forget it. But I had gotten fucked with so much that I kind of just lost my cool and the kid stole my bike. And before you get away, I just pushed him like, fuck you. I knocked him over on the bike. And then one of his friends just punched me in the stomach and I was like, okay, okay, okay. All right. Take it easy. But I got off easy. I felt like. Stomach punch is almost more disrespectful. It's more disrespectful than a face punch. Yeah. It really takes it out of you. Yeah. So I was like. Yeah, you can't breathe. Well, when you, I mean, when you're a kid, right. And, and you have your bike stolen, what's, what happens next? Do you buy a new bike? Well, yeah, I ran home crying and my mom, you know, she's such like a bleeding heart liberal that I was like, these black kids stole my bike. And she was like, well, they need it. Thanks, bitch. Appreciate the help. Reparations, Mark. Yeah. And yeah, I got, I guess I got a new bike like in Christmas or something. And, but my question becomes if they have such an easy time stealing a bike from you and there's no repercussions for them. Yeah. And then you get a new bike. Don't you just become like a vending machine of bicycles? Totally. I stopped riding it after a while. Yeah. Which is pretty sad. That's devastating. Yeah, that is sad. It does suck. That's fucked. And you're just looking up at his armpit hair on the ground. Well, you get why people buy guns. You're like. Next time a guy comes up, just shoot him. Yeah. It's my only option. I can't beat him up. They're all tougher than me and bigger than me. I remember the first time seeing kids had armpit hair and it was, I was in seventh grade, I think. And it was a kid, a grade lower than me. He was in sixth grade. Oh yeah. Yeah. I remember that. It's devastating to see a kid in sixth grade have armpit hair. Like I was in sixth. He was in fifth. Yeah. It's like, why am I not, why am I not caught up yet? It's fucking. Yeah. It's embarrassing. I remember finding out like one of my buddies had like a full bush and I had like, I didn't even. I hadn't even begun to have like a single hair yet. And I was like, what the fuck? How did. he find out that he probably just showed it to us do you remember your i remember seeing a couple sprouts oh yeah i'm a man i'm a man i remember i had one individual pube and i cut it off with a nail clipper so i get this thing the fuck out of here i saved it framed it on the wall can you grow facial hair or you just do the cleanest shave of all time every single day of your life i i can grow a full beard yeah he actually would have a sick beard he would have an awesome beard what color is it let it go like a dark rust really whoa dark rust that's crazy it's kind of nice why don't you just grow that bitch everyone wonders of this why i don't grow a beard i don't know i've just uh well even let it stubble like you got the cleanest shave on what shape today okay but i've never seen you with any kind of yeah i don't think i have either yeah you definitely have i definitely i would remember this rust if i saw it no it is it's i've seen it once in an incredible rust yeah i've got a rust uh and now it's got flecks of gray and it's quite distinguished yeah why not let that thing go well the first the first problem is that i have really sensitive skin so for two weeks or maybe even three it is the most uncomfortable thing in the world for me to get past this it's like itchy and really really miserable yeah and then somehow you kind of break through the cloud cover and you're you're in freezing altitude and it's fine after that but the other part of it you know full disclosure i'm very vain as you guys know it rounds out my face oh i see and i like having a little angularity i get it i get it be one of those dudes that like shaves their like yeah angles the beard down get a sharp beard that'd be sick and your pubes are they quite rich and full uh are those rusty as well you have rusty no i shave those every day oh you have a landing strip i forgot that you have a very landing strip tic-tac-toe board currently losing landing strip but uh damn i think just what was the longest you ever had it have you ever had like uh is there a picture maybe of like a really oh here we go yeah i need to don't you don't you hate i hate shaving like that's like you got a straight razor right there yeah you gotta go to the barbershop every day yeah sweetening taws every day i don't love shaving but again it's just like i after three or four days my face is so fucking uncomfortable that you have to shave every day no i shave like every three days probably damn yeah i'll show you a picture here you go yeah i'm fucking struggling to grow this bitch ass shitty fucking beard you could easily have a thick ass rust on your face look just because i'm better than people at certain things doesn't mean i need to exercise that thing you do i wish i could grow a beard oh you can is this i mean it'll get like it'll grow out but it's just like patchy and gross it just looks like i haven't like showered right that's nasty hey son of a boy dad listeners we'll be right back but first a quick message from one of our partners football season's here and whether you're grinding your way through the week or gearing up for kickoff there's one ride that's always game ready the chevy silverado there's a reason chevy is called the heartbeat of america and silverado keeps that heartbeat strong whether you're towing hauling or tailgating silverado lets you show up strong and tackle any task with best in class standard torque the most functional bed and the advanced tech that's football guy approved check out offers on the 2026 silverado at chevy.com all right now back to the episode so wait what happened with the bike he just thought about it nothing happened he turned his shoulders and then he and then he's like i he thought better of it i i realized uh that everything you said which is that there were five of them and um you know i don't even know if what this woman had in her bag was particularly valuable she might have been in on it trying to maybe she robbed them maybe that was their bag they were taking it back yeah the problem with being a hero is i'll i'll i'm down to do some hero shit if i get a guaranteed new one story same i don't want to do it for nothing oh there were this was middle of the day there were a lot of people around all right that helps and she was decent looking so oh that helps too you know i could have gotten just the satisfaction is awesome it might just be enough to just know if you're that guy if you're that principal for the rest of your life you kind of feel pretty good about yourself yeah but he knew he definitely knew that camera was there yeah he waited till the guy got in frame yeah yeah he was like there's one right over by this bend just take him out here is that rolling he's he's looking right at the camera while he's removing the gun yeah i bet that's his wallpaper now on his phone yeah definitely he's probably like i feel like if you do that once like you're just waiting for the second time now yeah you're walking around all day just waiting to tackle someone yeah and it sucks too if you're in the grocery store and somebody breaks in everybody's like oh yeah you're that guy now the hero right you go this is this is me with a beard oh that looks great oh wow you look angular that's crazy it's angular what do you mean way hotter there this is from uh 2018 now i get what you you're definitely look i feel like it's decently round all right you look decently rounded that's crazy that doesn't even look like you i know see that guy would have stopped the kids on the bike they wouldn't have taken it no no they would have seen you across the street oh my god there's a so bad by not having i agree that's crazy i never i never do it yeah hey hey do it not against it you know i'm not going down on anyone these days you will with that thing oh my point is i don't want to cause irritation yeah yeah yeah get out of here excuses beard burn you would be a hero no i'm saying i'm open i'm open to do it now because there's nobody lined up we need a female poll we need like a twitter poll of him with can you send that to both those pictures to uh yeah i'll send it just so they have it to put into the show men love beards on other men i don't know if women do i actually don't know the answer to that we could ask but i i assume you have no female listeners yeah not a lot we have a few we got a couple uh yeah we do have a few um but but they're they're few and far between got it it's because sass is a heartthrob is really what that is what it is women go crazy oh is that right yeah they really do every i get messages from women being like hey can you pass on this picture of my breasts to harry and i'm like yeah sure i'll make sure he gets it i don't want i don't send it i print it well you got the little the cute boy thing no we really like boy men when i was younger i had a lot of uh girl fans but now it's pretty much just dudes you go to the shows and it's just a bunch of dudes right where's francis do girls come to shows like that like do would your women fan come to your shows early on i mean matt rife that's all his fans yeah it's all girls that is um i'm trying to think like i remember like maybe like when i was really young there would be like a lot of girls at the shows but now it's i would say that like there there are girls at the shows now but it's usually girls that are there with like their boyfriends or something and they're pissed right right not happy at all the girls aren't no no because they're there with their boyfriends and they're friends so they can't come up to you exactly dude i just uh i just i didn't even put put it together that you have your new show that came out it's fucking sick with all the bald dudes i was talking to mark about that that's so good that's that's such a creative concept thanks yeah we're shooting three more episodes tomorrow so oh hell yeah yeah we got a chinese businessman uh hookers and i think um white supremacists really yeah those are the groups so that's gonna get wild that's crazy how did you find uh like a that many white supremacists how did you find that well answer the way you just throw out like a craigslist type casting thing and people want to be on tv and have clicks so bad they're like yeah i'm a white supremacist do you almost doubt whether they're being authentic or not i think so but i think there's more white supremacists than you think oh yeah definitely but that want to come on camera yeah well i mean once you're it's kind of cool because they're like yeah i'm racist of course like everyone else like i'm not racist don't cancel me but they're all like crazy yeah of course why wouldn't i be racist what are you nuts maybe they'll have like the gators on you know the masks oh yeah just fucking 40 dudes with masks on it's like j6 you know they're like yeah i'll go to j6 yeah yeah why not so what is the how'd that premise come to be like where's that come from you know it's funny i pitched it for years i was like oh this should be a show it's like oh let's get how you gonna get all those people it's never gonna work and i pitched all these networks they all said no i was at a comedy club and a guy came up to me he's like yeah if you ever have any ideas you know how they always do that shit yeah and i told him the idea and he was like that's it we're doing it and i was like you do all the work i'm sick of it and uh he got everything settled and uh that was it we shot it and it worked yeah it worked it did great yeah it's fucking going good thanks do you host it are you producing what are you doing i just didn't want to do anything so i said i'll do a set or you know on each show but i don't want to like have to promote it or book it or anything yeah they were like okay fine because that's how they get you they always go oh you won't do anything and then they're like we need you to go on this this show and talk about it whatever but uh yeah i didn't these guys this is a company called unicorn they're like a production company and they made it and they did all the work they edited it yeah they're great they killed it they have some really good shows brandon barrera is my feature on the road and he's been doing it i think he's on he's he opened he hosted or something yeah yeah he was a great host yeah he's awesome the beauty of him was he would go out after the show and do like a q a and it was the shit these women said these gen z chicks were fascinating what uh like is there how much do you have to change what you're about to say to any group or are you just doing your material right down the middle like are you tailoring it for the group no i mean i might i only have what i have so i just do my act and let's see how it goes i mean who do you think i feel like white supremacists i feel like will be easy super easy yeah yeah girls is always gonna be the hardest i feel like hookers might be tough hookers can be tough because i don't think they're gonna care or listen yeah i don't think they're gonna know what's really happening no not unless you know right you know that's what they listen to yeah maybe if a couple jokes fall flat just raise the hand do you pay that do you pay the hookers to come yeah we give them a couple bucks and we say you're gonna be on youtube and is it like their rate no no thank god it's cheaper than that but we give them drinks we'll say we say it's gonna be a good time you have a fun show yeah there's a lot of lonely people with nothing to do in this city yeah makes sense that many lonely hookers is crazy yeah i think they're like i get to not get you know fucked in the ass yeah this is way better just like to sit in a chair i can't wait for the chinese businessman to be like hookers it's gonna be a slow turnover between show one and two clearing out the room is gonna take a while but it really is wild how different i mean you put it's group think you put different people in a in a show same material completely different reaction like one of the early ones you did i forget all the groups that you did but it was a group that i was like i don't know if these people are gonna laugh like i don't know if this humor is like for them but it's like you kind of like slowly got them like one by one who was it was it like uh it was gen z girls was it gen z girls yeah and like here's what's scary about the gen z chicks was there was two in the front who hated us arms folded fuck you you're offensive you're problematic but there was three long island whores in the back who just loved everything they were like go darker go harder and then when they did the q and a the two girls in the front who were super like you know kind of wokey and whatever they they made everyone else feel bad for enjoying it and then the long island girls were like we're sorry you're right they were problematic and it was like oh my god it's scary to watch them have a good time and then then they started to be like i don't want to look like an asshole so you're right they were bad yeah yeah and that's what was the scariest part is that like they dominated them and made them change their tune it's a sort of like a sociological question but like do you think that there's anything about maybe if the long island girls had been in the front and those other girls had been in the back maybe the maybe crowd would have followed that and maybe you know i think or do you think the like angry is always gonna win i think the angry wins because they were the loudest you know the squeaky wheel thing they were like no no that one girl be like i thought it was funny and the other girl was like well maybe you're a problem maybe you're a big and she was like okay you're right and it's kind of a microcosm of like twitter especially if they're like if you're on camera and they're not usually on camera probably like yeah i don't want this coming out and everyone's gonna think i'm like a racist exactly exactly and you want to go hey you psycho we're just doing jokes you fucking retards relax it's funny because as i'm sure you know or like we've all experienced is that for me an audience that has uh like is diverse has black people in it those shows are always better way better the black woman loved it and because when when you do a joke or something like often all white people will nervously just check out of the corner of their eye to see if the black people are laughing and then they are yeah and it allows it's like permission that everyone can laugh yeah um whereas it sounds like with just the gen z girls they're gonna follow the the leader of the anger yeah and again it's like you said everyone wants to look on the up and up you know nobody wants to be called a racist on camera except for the white supremacists yeah they're on board yeah they didn't call me a racist on camera pissed off after the fact damn that's gonna be sick yeah uh great concept hey thanks man i wonder if they like do you think like they like any of those guys like link up after the show like the probably yeah you get like 40 chinese businessmen in one room yeah you're gonna get a stadium bill they're probably like yeah let's go get some drinks they're networking yeah talk shop yeah true they got to um i ate this weekend at a restaurant in brooklyn called the river cafe oh i've been there i saw you there one time from afar and uh and uh i didn't want to it's such a nice restaurant you're not gonna fucking bother somebody yeah at that restaurant but how sick is that restaurant that's a beauty i mean that's a panty dropper it is a hundred percent it's like a timeless old new york i've been there too it's fucking crazy expensive yes it is fucked but it's all right yeah it was really cool really pretty brought brought the wife um i think i was in trouble so i did like it's the perfect if you're in trouble that's the perfect get out of jail yeah and dumb dumbos is awesome yeah that's fucking lovely sass you gotta go to the river cafe yeah definitely at some point here you go to the river cafe i'll make my way out there wear your jeff cap but it's the kind of place you have to dress up nicely and i've seen them before they they'll rent out suit jackets to dudes there who come up underdressed they have like a white suit jacket that they'll rent out humiliating it's so humiliating and they give you a white one and you stick out like a sore thumb and i saw the guy trying to take it off and the mater d came over to his table was like you need to wear that i would just go home i'd be like this is mortifying yeah it's fucking nuts you have to i mean i guess you gotta dress up wearing fucking like the like just like corduroy pants and a white blazer they're like thumbing the corduroy like i don't know sir not quite sure this is a weird concept we require this and then you show up you don't have it they're like we'll give you one yeah you're like can we do that with money i don't have any money for the bill that is fucked it is not i mean it's nice to dress up but if you're not dressed up i don't know you're kind of fucked yeah you're wearing a stinky jacket yeah i don't like dressing i don't like dressing up to go get food because then you guys then you're then you're then you eat does it need to be going to get food no no i don't like dressing up but i don't like dressing up especially to eat because then you eat and then you're full and then you got a fucking suit on yeah bursting through it and you spill something on it oh yeah that sucks reaching for shit in the jacket too it's like you're kind of like hulking out it's like tough on the elbows so true i know you love that shit francis none of my dress clothes fit anymore none of them do really but on a few lbs yeah i'm getting fat as fuck right now he's up to 220 i am 224 now jesus christ i normally fly around it like 210 208 when i'm chasing people on city bikes yeah and uh right now i'm just way above my fighting weight which i'm not happy about well i'm okay with it we got to get your body fat percentage i looked up i looked up like how the most efficient ways to cut um on youtube and all the videos i think it's against the game yeah it's vertical after some aspirin in a tub um but no the uh you know all the videos were like 20 to 30 minutes they always do that it's i'm like i need one minute of telling me what to do what about chat gbt what exactly just ask chat gbt that's the kind of shit you should be using it for just some stupid mindless thing where you could get the answer right away they just give you like it gives you the wrong answer it'll just it'll just tell you like it doesn't matter what you eat can we look let's look it up in real time here he's lost all faith and uh yeah he thinks it's all wrong everything they say is wrong well it's just it it's wrong so often that it makes it hard to trust it for anything right which gives me hope because i'm like all right it's wrong still yeah yeah it's wrong it's wrong and like have you seen those videos we were talking about have you seen those videos of the kid that'll like talk to chat husky oh they're so funny i think he does shit with unicorn too i think he does stuff with unicorn too yeah shit yeah he'll put on like uh he'll just like show his face and he'll be like look at this like hideous like face filter i have on uh-huh and then chat gbt will be like yeah you look like fucking disgusting and then he's like i'm not i don't have a filter on he just catches the line damn this hat is actually sick yeah it looks nice you should take it take it down to golf i'm gonna i'm gonna grow a beard and wear hats from now on it's not a bad idea oh nice that's a good call that's who i am now just be a sovereign citizen just be like a guy who who knows his rights and like films and post offices and shit like that i love that so did you guys have a boy dad like what does that mean your dad was just a deadbeat or a what is the boy dad the boy dad thing doesn't really come from anything i guess it was we still have a boy dad thing started the show i don't remember how long ago like five years ago years ago and uh it was just me and roan in the beginning and he came up with the name but it was i guess a play on it's just a fucking retarded dumbass name has nothing to do with anything i guess like the the idea is that we're all sons of boy dads technically yeah that's what i thought yeah so it's very inclusive okay got it it's quite circular too yeah yeah everyone's a son of a boy dad it's a podcast for everybody we're all dudes it was when kobe was really pushing the the uh girl dad thing people really worked out for him yeah that no that was that was after he died yeah but it was but it's like girl dad like he he popularized being a girl dad right it's like where's the boy dads he's a real helicopter parent we're having fun we're having fun it's funny it's fun is that is that a rogan weight it is that's funny that is i bought that it was like five hundred dollars what every time he says it the price goes up what was it what was it it was 400 it was like 350 we can't have it on our table because the cameras focus on his face you got blackface rogan yeah i thought it was really funny when i bought it and then it just kind of became a weight to hold the carpet down it's not even doing a good job of that that carpet is still curling but the ironic thing is that all this weight that i've put on comes from the fact that i got into kettlebell workouts as watching them oh yeah from rogan and other people on instagram and stuff so you are uh more weight from muscle it's i think it's mostly muscle that's good yeah but i don't look good uh i just look like i'm ready to fucking tell people they can't come into a bar but isn't that what we're all striving for yeah that's not bad to be able to tell someone i want to look like i'm ready for the season yeah what's your golf season no like football season i want to look like i'm ready for football oh you're gonna have to keep gaining weight then came back from ot8 no i'm receiver you know what i mean i want to look like a receiver davante smith aj brown that's a big you're gaining weight then yeah you're six three two hundred two forty hey son of a boy dad listeners we'll be right back but first a quick message from one of our partners hey it's fran from chicks in the office it's officially sweater season and this fall abercrombie is setting a new standard with upgraded fabrics like 100% cashmere wool blends and other natural fibers this collection brings quality and craftsmanship to your favorite seasonal staple the one i'll be wearing most is the roll neck crew sweater it is so perfect for busy weekends dressing up for a night out you can dress it up dress it down with my abercrombie denim this is your sign to curate a whole new aesthetic as the temperature drops shop new sweaters at abercrombie in the app online and in stores all right now back to the episode you think aj how tall is he he's six one two twenty two twenty five or something like that all right that's not that far off from where i'm at well you're like six three yeah this is there's no need for you to be walking around like he's six one two twenty eight this is what we want this is who i want to be i'm gonna get a bunch of tattoos why is he so shiny yeah why is he glistening came from a ditty party that guy would have stopped me for a minute i'm gonna get a bunch of tattoos i'm gonna grow out my beard a bike thief yeah definitely or was he in the middle of the way he was probably just flying away on the bike train like that's what it said on the video what did it say that was the title of the thumbnail just said train like like he's like a train oh he's a freak yeah there's no no reason to be walking around like that it's just disrespectful to everybody else it's also a full time job yeah like that yes like you got to be training every day consistently and like you know not just not just one kettlebell workout i want to be i want to be like the one on the right on the right dk metcalf good lord dk eats less candy still that's true yeah he has a but he's one meal a day and like a bunch of candy i refuse to believe that there's no way he's eating one meal a day unless the meal is like twenty thousand calories incredible bodies mark let me ask you a question i'm not sure if you know what you're talking about i'm not sure if you know what it is all right sorry i'm a little distracted you're walking through the city of new york you ever look at dude's packages you ever look all the time glance at dude's balls constantly balls and dick yeah the gray sweat pants guys walking around i always have to take a check you have to i really feel like dudes are just really flaunting their penises in this day and age and it's like i don't know i i don't know if it's like disrespectful or respectful to to just like get get a get a sense of their penis yeah i'm a i'm a urinal looker oh yeah i'll go in the extra even urinal wow well i'm very insecure with my genitalia so i have to know where i'm at oh always assessing always assessing the people around you the barstow chicago office just got a trough oh old school trough don't let me in there you're just gonna camp out i was examining just posted up with a stool on the trough and you know i'm not i'm not huge i'm not tiny but you know where i get fucked is my balls are saggy so i don't get that ball lift you know like when you're a tight ball yeah tight ball it pushes up the dong so you get that little little lump i'm the same way i always talk about i got real long balls same hang what's wrong with us yeah like a necklace in like a jewelry store window how it's just like perched up there underneath the lights yeah you need a nice tight sack for that yeah so i think i would have a that's sass's problem sass has been going and sass has been going through this for the last five years since we've had this show he's always had long balls yeah well at the bottom of your pants right now it is true though they don't they don't uh there's no prop whatsoever right no prop up just a hang and sometimes in a cold pool you get a prop when you get out that feels pretty good but is there a way that you can like shorten the string you know what i mean shorten the yo-yo string and pull them up or is it like there's a pure yeah not lift girls can get a boob job we can't just get our nuts like fucking you we should hit it with botox frances you've been conspicuously quiet i know you got a tight sack no i don't tightest sack you've ever seen your sack as bald as your cheek sitting on an orange no droop to his sack at all it's not good it's the same it's a cartoon penis my sack is above my penis no it's uh it's the same that your guys is describing in fact i i had a doctor's appointment a long time ago now where they were like that's too long these are so long that you you could be affecting your sperm count whoa really because they're nowhere near your body yeah it's like a lawyer's desk we're gonna need to monitor this because i remember that there was some medical thing they were quite concerned about and then i saw a different primary care physician years later i think i was like you're okay the but it was like i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know it has always worried me i i think that how do they check that were they just like yeah yeah i mean it's not for nothing that you know in order for me to come sexually uh i need sexually thanks for having that i need them hoisted a little bit i need them by the lady yeah oh not needed it just helps i enjoy a hoist i i need the i need the dumbwaiter it's a bit like you know when you were a kid and you'd get to the bottom of the giant water cooler in sports and there was only a little bit left and you'd lift the whole thing to then tilt it yes i need them lifted so they're closer to oh yeah oh to like spill it like you're watering a plant yeah you throw your balls on the coach there's a really good uh yeah ball ball play is great but women like a tight sack they don't want that oh sure weird fucking over easy pendulum yeah yeah they love a tight sack and i just wish they would be more open about it like when you hear it from time to time but that's got to be one of their main things well this is why i only have sex with uh with my pants on through the fly oh nice hide the sack completely yeah well i need the oral or i'll have it with my underwear on and i'll go through the thing because i have a built-in shelf in the underwear i see yeah you're automatically being lifted oh because you're a brief man they told me i they told me i had to be a brief guy when that when i had that issue with whoa they're like you gotta switch whatever you're doing is just it's not it's dragging them down maybe that's my issue because i got no i have no support at all i'm i wear big boxers oh that's no that's large it's like a pair of shorts you might as well tie like a kettlebell to them yeah there you go yeah what is that jelking is that tying into your balls or is that tying into your your bird i think it's your penis yeah jelking are you familiar with jelking uh is that where you put a weight on there yeah i've seen that yeah which seems like a timeless technique but it seems like it also is like experiencing a rebirth like people more people are the youth are finding jelking youth are getting into jelking at a rapid pace there was a famous pianist i can't remember a composer who who wished that he could have uh a wider his hands weren't big enough to play like tenths or whatever and it bothered him so he started putting his hands in these like space and it fucked up his hands to the degree that he could no longer play. Yeah, that's not that surprising. I'm not surprised by that. It feels like that's kind of a recipe for disaster. It probably works similar with jelking as well. It just stops working. Again, we've doubled in size in the last month. Rachmaninoff had huge hands, famously. That's why Kawhi Leonard's so good at piano. 6'6". That's rare in the 13th century. Yeah, that's great. Imagine being 6'6 back then. People were probably just trying to kill you all the time. Just trying to drink your blood. Fucking witch. Jesus Christ. Tyler, who was the guy, the pianist, who fucked up his hands by trying to make them bigger? Schumann. Yeah, there you go. Schumann. It's really too bad. Great composer. Oh, really? Tiny little hands, though. Had to switch to composing after he destroyed his hands. I might be thinking of Schubert. Oh yeah, he's got tiny little hands. The Asian ladies that would bind their feet, they would fuck it up in kind of the inverse way of that. They would try to have the cute little tight feet. I think, I guess, Asian men were like women of today. They just like a tight little foot. The women like a tight ball sack, maybe. You wanted like a little speck of a foot. Yeah. It's feminine, I guess. But I'm not a foot. I wish I was a foot guy. Yeah. These foot guys have got it made. Because people give it away for free by accident. Exactly. They have flip-flops and open toe and barefoot. They're all out there. Yeah, feet doesn't. That doesn't do it for me. Nothing. Nothing. I've stared at them like, come on, it's like gay porn where you're like, maybe something will happen. Yeah. It would just be so much more simple. Yeah. If anything, it has the opposite effect. It's more gross than anything else. I don't know. I just don't really want to see anyone's feet. Yeah, I just don't care. But there's some people, I mean, Hollywood, you know. Jersey Jerry. Jersey Jerry, yeah. There's a guy who works for us that got caught. But then he got foot fished and like a man put his foot under something and he like got horny from it and it was like just a dude's foot. It's like, oh, you're gay now. Wow. Yeah. He wound up gay. You'd think he'd see like the little. Yeah, look at those feet on the right. Those are the ones that got him. That was like, oh, those are fucking hot ass feet. Those are big cats feet. Yeah, he shaved his head. He shaved his feet. Oh, wow. And this big cat. That's a nice foot. I guess it's nice. Yeah. Big toe looks a little bit. Can I put the anklet on? That's a Fred Flintstone on the left. I totally forgot that Jerry did this. Yeah, he got visibly horny on camera. He started salivating and then it's like, yeah. What was the name of the show? Arch Madness. Oh, that's great. That's great. Now, is there a female body part? That you think is underrated? I like, you know, I'm not talking tits, but legs. Vagina. I guess I'm just into the standards. Yeah, you're just right down the middle. Yeah. The small of the back. That's a good one. I like the nape of the neck. Ooh, the nape. Where there's, especially when they have their hair up and there's just a little bit of sort of fuzz. Oh, statutory nape. I'm a shoulder clavicle guy. This area right here on a woman, really? Oh, it drives me crazy. Yeah, that's hot. But what if they're like Ron Artest, like broad, like clavicle, like, or is it any clavicle will do it for you or just like a really nice? It's like anything. There's good clavicles and bad clavicles. Like, uh, I saw a woman the other day with that tube top thing where it just ends right here and she had these tan, kind of tight, muscular, almost shoulder. It looked great. It was, uh, it was very hot. Nice clavicle. Good clav. Interesting. Good collar bones. Interesting. Collar daddy. There's some people that are, that are super anti-knee that are like disgusted by knees. That's like a phobia or like they, they're like, they get the quote unquote ick from knees. Um, and I guess knees look pretty weird. I guess. Yeah, I guess they do look kind of weird. I don't know if it would be a make or break for me though. Yeah. Or if there's guys who are, who love it, who are like beating off to the crease of the back of the leg. Yeah, like a tight knee. Isn't it amazing how much an ankle can, can make or break a woman though? No way. Sounds like that's your thing. Oh, you're saying you hate a cankle. That's what I'm saying. You hate a cankle. Ankles are tough. Yeah. But that's like, uh, I don't know. There's a sturdiness to a cankle. True. That, uh, you know, kind of suggests that they could maybe have like 14 or 15 kids or something or walk from Venezuela. She's not getting pushed off her bike. There's something very respectable about a cankle. You hate it? I just don't love the idea that like if you cut their feet off, you could just stick them into a lawn and they'd be there like protecting against pigeons or something. You want something fragile that can't really run away or make cuts in the woods or anything like that. I mean, well, I prefer athletic, uh, but yeah, sure. All of the above. You should do a show where you got it. You get a bunch of people with gene. What is this? Genophobia? How do you pronounce this? Genophobia. Oh, wow. And then just have all the comics wear shorts. Right. They might be harder to find, but yeah. That's what like Maury turned into after a while. Maury just like would bring out cats to people who had like a cat phobia and they would just sprint off. Yeah. Like, why would you even go on Maury if that's the thing that you know that you're advertising? You know that they're going to fuck with you. I mean, this has to be pretty tough to even live with. Right. Nausea or panic attacks at the sight of knees. What if it turned out that this is what Harry had? Yeah. And all this time he's been like, yeah, I just every time I have a meal, I don't know. I get diarrhea. Yeah. It's like, no, dude, you've just been around people with knees too much. Yeah. People's knees. Turns out it was the knees that was getting me. Any phobias over here? Not a phobia, but my thing that would make me sprint off the stage at Maury is when people rub two pieces of styrofoam together. Oh, that's a good one. It like gets me like it like gets underneath my skin like I can't even compose myself when I hear it. Wow. It's fucking foul to me. Isn't that interesting? I got a weird thing with cars. Come on. Yeah. What? What the fuck? Yeah, it's tough. It's tough. Inside or just seeing being in them being in the right city, I guess. Yeah. Phobia of cars. Does it bother you when you're driving them? Oh, no, not really. It's more like being in the passenger seat. I have a I have this too. I have this too. I don't trust the person driving. It's not even like that. I'm not like even afraid of crashing. I guess it's just being in call. I don't know. I mean, I had a bunch of panic attacks in cars when I was younger. What? And then since then. Fascinating. Yeah. Since then, it's just been. Is it claustrophobia? It might be like some sort of form of that. It has something to do with being in the car and not being able to get out of the car. Got it. Do you feel it when you're on a boat? Like no, but like I think that I'm going to like when we went on the fish week, I was the whole time. I was like, it's going to be a fucking disaster. I'm going to freak out. I just get like I think I just have like a panic disorder. And then I just like don't like being stuck. Right. Right. Like even like comedy, like being on stage. Like if I have to do like 15 minutes, I'm not nervous at all. But when I have to do a longer amount of time, I'm like, I'm going to be up there for a while. Whoa. Like traffic is horrible. Like it honestly depends on the day because sometimes I'll just be on my phone and I won't give a fuck. But then other days I'll be in the back of the car and I'll be like, I got to crack the window. Got it. Gasping for air. I'd love to get you and you and a car with Tiger Woods. See what happens. Road trip. Do you have anything? Do you have anything that you're like, this is a little bit weird, but my only thing like I'm weird. I'm not worried about cancer. I ride without a helmet. I don't think about anything, but home invasion scares the shit out of me. I'm in bed like you ever wake up at like 2 a.m. Like I'll do edibles at night and I'm high and I wake up and I'm like, what was that? I heard something. I swear to God, I heard something. I have a cat. So then my cat will walk in the room and I'm like, I have all these game plans like you did where I'm like, all right, here's what I'll do. I'll keep a pipe over here and then I'll keep a thing over there and I'll hit the guy with a potted plant or whatever. I've got all these scenarios in my head. Are you like that even in the city? Oh, yeah. I live in Brooklyn. The first week we moved into our apartment, I was like, because we have two floors. I was like, this is it. It's going to happen. Yeah. And oh my God, the city doesn't get me as bad as this. Like when I was growing up, I used to like my parents every night. I hate to say it. Mark, but you know, I've lived in, you know, walk ups and whatever and moving into a doorman building like that's completely solved. That is good. His place actually got broken into while he was asleep. No, but that was not when I lived in a door. I know. I know. Yeah. I had a guy break into my apartment while I was asleep and I confronted him. Get the fuck out of here. I had to testify against him. Whoa. Grand jury. We've been talking about Sean Lynch for half an hour. This is the good stuff. What happened? I mean, like, how did you were you in your boxers? I was naked. What? It's getting better. His pubeless orange sack. Wow. Were you tight knit on the balls? I had a sliding bedroom door and I was a small duplex. So they were like the bedroom in Chelsea. Chelsea. The bed. It was the garden apartment that the bedroom was downstairs and like the living room kitchen were upstairs and I was in the bedroom and then outside of my bedroom was my bureau like my dresser or whatever and in the hallway and i heard someone pulling the drawers of the bureau open oh my lord and i woke up and out and you do that thing where you're like i must because 99 out of 100 times yeah every other time in your life yeah you're like ah i'm just imagining it oh and so you're like and and and in those instances you're proving to yourself yes that you're imagining it and then in this one it was like this is really happening and i'm trying to prove does that make sense yeah i completely understand anyway so give me the whole thing um so i went quietly to the door and then listened and i and then i like could really i was certain i mean the guy was four feet away hey son of a boy dad listeners we'll be right back but first a quick message from one of our partners the course is calling and your chevy equinox can take on whatever the day throws at you stop stylish and ready for anything equinox handles your commute weekend trips and even those last minute tea times easily load up your clubs and gear with plenty of cargo space plus hidden storage under the rear floor to keep things neat and with a big standout touch screen the equinox puts all your tech right where you need it bold and confident equinox looks just as good on the road as it does down the back roads from the first drive to the final putt equinox is built to do more so you can focus on the game all right now back to the episode and so i didn't know what to do really i mean there was no lock on the door it was a sliding door and so i opened it a crack and saw him oh my god what do you look like has it you i have i have a photo of him what yeah i took a picture of him fuck i wonder if i can find this at the time you took a picture didn't you took a photo when you found him outside you know he he went upstairs i i here it is i found it perfect damn um fast well you didn't snap it no it was because it was right around the time when i was growing the beard so i was already way back in my uh in my in my that's crazy whoa it's a young hispanic man yeah well i don't know how young he was okay because he died shortly after this good this story is crazy and i know his pose in this send this can you send this to tyler too we could black out his face or something he's dead um but uh well you did you know you can't defame a dead person what do you mean like it's legally it is not possible to commit def defamation against how the fuck do you know who's dead how do you what do you how do you think i know about this writing the book the blog oh oh yes yes yes no that makes sense yeah all right so so you confronted him uh what do you do there i remember decidedly keeping my my penis like i was it was like i was in the bathroom asking someone for a towel right right you know i was like and i went i went what are you doing whoa and the guy goes oh sorry i'm lost uh-huh and then i was like you're in my apartment and it's three in the morning what the fuck are you doing and he goes chill out man i mean you could have just shot him how does he know you're not a psycho he he was like so maybe he was fucked up or something i don't know what it was but he wasn't like oh i've been caught i need to run yeah yeah uh even the picture he's like in this picture let me finish he goes why are you taking a picture of me that's why he's saying that that's what he's saying see look and and and this one's blurry but he's like i'm having a conversation with him in the hall and he's like i'm having a conversation with him in the hall because he all right so he he i had a door to the downstairs from the downstairs hallway that was like the basement yeah of the building but then it didn't have an exit to the out outside or so he had to get in the elevator to go up to the first floor to get out so when he went out of my door i knew he was going to get in the elevator so then i like threw some shorts on and then ran up the stairs so that i had a picture of him from my front entrance yeah as he stepped out of the elevator and that's where i'm confronting him there and i remember taking the picture and he goes why are you taking a picture of me and i was like you're you broke into my apartment at three in the morning in the middle of the night i was like get the fuck out of here man like what are you doing and um you prepared to throw down because how he could have didn't you have a knife yeah were you looking around your room for something hard i thought you grabbed a knife from the kitchen so maybe i did honestly i can't really remember if i like grabbed something at this point i'm sure i'm sure i did and i've told this story before so you know whatever the truth was then remains the truth okay but um you start to feel like you're lying you know what i mean um but anyway that's just a picture louis gomez um and then uh i called the cops and you know because i lived in chelsea they were like three minutes hell yeah which was like oh gentrified neighborhood how nice um and so many of them came i mean there were like truly and you're like oh there's nothing going on at the precinct right yeah yeah and um so like three of them came in to my apartment they knocked and uh first of all two of them knew who i was hey that's a good sign and they were but they were like nice about it they were like i know who you are and i'm like i don't know who you are oh thank you um and uh and then i told them what had happened and then they were like went outside and then they were on the radio and then they came back in and they're like are we found someone who matches your description uh but we need you to come look at him because he's in the he's in the one of the cruisers uh and we can't tell you like what he looks like okay which must have been it's like a leading yeah they it was like they didn't want to be like is the guy you caught this and this because i had told them what he was wearing and i also had a fucking photo of him exactly um can they were like you need to come confirm with your eyes without any sort of uh prep who we've caught is the guy you saw they walked out they their window was down and he's in the back of the car he's got handcuffs on i'm like yeah this is the guy and again he's like he's not he's like annoyed yeah yeah he definitely was on drugs definitely he was like what's the deal like why are you guys all making such a big deal out of this yeah yeah um and by the way i should mention another fact which is and it's probably why i wasn't really afraid which is that i'd seen this guy before oh so i lived in like a building that had like seven apartments um and it was this like small converted townhouse where whatever and um one of the owners of the building also had an apartment in the building and this dude was super weird really really weird like what's that the owner yeah one of the owners it was like a family of guys and none of them really liked this dude but he had because he was in the family like he had part of the ownership and got one of the apartments a family of guys are you talking about a gay couple it was like guys you know this italian patriarchal family and it was like the nephews had shares in the apartment project and and then like one of the cousins was the super but he drove a bentley i mean it was crazy like i i never knew what was going on but um i had seen them hanging out together before because the guy would always leave his fucking door open and he would play organ like i'm not making any of this haunting organ music on full blast whoa like at weird hours of the night and his door was open and he lived on my floor so i and then one time and i saw them coming out one time they like at that time they were kind of nice to me they were like oh hey you're the new guy yeah this is the dude then like six months later i find him in my apartment at four in the morning which is why when he was like i got lost that's kind of believable i was kind of like oh maybe he was just lost yeah and couldn't find his way out and whatever going through the dresser though well so what is he looking for when i went to testify you know i had to go meet at the i had to go to the district attorney's office which was out weird because i had been a paralegal there for a year when i was like very early on like i'm not going anywhere in comedy i need to get serious with my life so i was trying to go to law school and this was the street crimes division which was exactly where they were prosecuting this guy and i had to meet with one of the assistant the ada's who was processing the prosecuting the case and uh tell her everything and um she said that the reason that he was opening drawers and what they found because i had i also found that a number of documents that i had up in my kitchen which were like credit card statements and things like that he was looking for documents to steal my identity or sell my identity so that's what he was doing okay that's a tough task that's going and breaking into someone's home being like i got to find the social security number right anniversary certificate in here it is but it's also probably not as hard as you'd think you know everyone had a lot of people at home he probably would have thrived and just if he had all right yes i don't know i think would take like if you were to go to my apartment and be like i gotta find something that i'm gonna be able to steal his identity with you'd be tearing the place up for two hours yeah it just probably doesn't exist social security like my my social security card has got to be like at the bottom of a box but is that the only thing in your apartment that has your social security number on it maybe it's a mail a bank statement yeah that's what i'm saying like this guy was trying to find lots of papers yeah and he could whatever so how'd he die i only found that out after the fact uh the the district attorney the woman the funniest thing that happened was that um finally she i haven't been trying to be funny i've been trying to tell us as fast as possible okay um the funniest thing the the one funny thing that i had happened in my story is that uh i was at barstool at the time and she was like look by the way i've become aware that you've told this story now on your radio show that you have um written a blog about it and you've been tweeting about it and uh it's getting very hard to paint you as a victim in this case oh shit given how much light you are making of it with that said though it's it's what i've seen has been very funny and i was like you should have started with that because it's easier for me to accept criticism when it's couched in my head to testify in front of the grand jury which uh you know went in like dressed up for it and then you know you're in front of like i don't know 30 or 40 people or whatever and they're just asking you questions to determine if there's enough evidence to prosecute the case but what i found out after that because i don't think the case went to trial was that this dude had actually been an informant for uh presumably the da's office or something what what and had been informing and like helping them out and was killed because i think he was it was found out he was found out to have been an informant oh my god that's great and the da's office told me so many layers to this yeah is he trying to get out from under the case of like uh stealing your identity and he's like here i'll work with you guys again it's one of those weird things you might have killed him where i'm like if you would just let the guy walk away he'd still be with his family today you had to fucking be a hero call 9-1-1 still to this day i'm not 100 sure that he was actually doing anything wrong oh get out of here he's going through your drawers at three in the morning i know it's it's a it's certainly i don't feel bad about calling the police and and doing what i did but like given that he was an informant given that he knew the guy and was probably like partying with him and fucked up sure and then like there wasn't a way for him to not know how to get out but yeah the drawer thing made no fucking sense yeah and the papers and whatever anyway i do think he was fucked up yeah definitely hey son of a boy dad listeners we'll be right back but first a quick message from one of our partners cozy season is upon us bombas makes your comfiest fall staples so you can make the most out of one of the best seasons of the year bombas's new suede moccasins are perfect for fall with cushy soles a shirling lining and water resistant suede plus for every item you purchase bombas donates an essential clothing item to someone facing housing insecurity head over to bombas.com slash audio and use code audio for 20 off your first purchase that's b-o-m-b-a-s.com slash audio code audio at checkout all right now back to the episode so i got robbed in the west village i'll be short but uh i'm not brevity is not the soul of my way in a way i was out doing spots and uh my girlfriend at the time she said uh i'm out at a dinner with some friends i'm right by your house can i we weren't dating that long we didn't live together she's like can i just go to your house and i was like yeah sure uh so she goes to my house she's like your door's wide open and um there's a bunch of furniture knocked over and i was like ah shit all right so i ran home and i get there she's drunk out of her mind she was at a party or something and she's like this is crazy i think somebody broke in and then she just falls asleep on the couch i'm like okay so i go in the bedroom my bedroom window is opened up on the fire escape and i see footprints on the bed so you're like oh my god it's just so violating tv's there laptops there everything's there ipod everything there was one drawer that i had in a dresser that i kept all my spot pay in so like i would go do the cellar i'd go do the stand do your car and i would just throw 25 bucks in 100 bucks at whatever it was probably like eight grand accumulated money i had mushrooms weed in there i had a slingshot brass knuckles baseball card it was like a cool guy drawer yeah like um when you were a kid i had condoms and whatever and he took everything out of the drawer and just bolted what how did he know the drawer was there or just like typical top drawer it was the first dresser when you walk in i just i think you open that he was like great cash drugs yeah jackpot yeah it's like you put it here for me yeah ken griffey jr i'm out of here what kind of like cartoon break-in is this so that he flipped all of the uh furniture and left footprints behind and went out the window well oh fuck i guess i should all he flipped he was just like tiptoeing out with the burger mask on or i shouldn't say flipped all the furniture i had a coffee table like this and a chair and he put the chair he flipped it in front of the door like in case somebody came in oh yeah yeah i don't know what the hell he was thinking but she said your door was unlocked there was a chair when i opened the door there's a chair in front of it so i guess he thought that would do something and then i think he moved the top cover table like just get this out of my way and you called the cops or called the cops and they caught him fingerprint oh no way apparently he'd broken into a ton of places and they've been looking for him damn but i had a way worse experience than you because first of all the cops come in i got a passed out gal in like a cocktail dress uh and they're like oh this is weird and i was like i have a ton of cash and drugs here and all that he's still here uh yeah so then they go out to like check me out so they go out to the car check me out and they google me and i guess my clips came up and they were not into it they came back and like oh some kind of comedian huh we didn't care for it and i was like okay and uh then then they called me like a week later and they found the guy did they recover any of the stuff did they recuperate it was cash and drugs so you can't really claim it yeah i could just make up any number i could be like i told 10 grand and then presumably if you were to like go through what renter's insurance or something like that would that have covered it no i don't think so i don't even have insurance oh damn damn yeah i'm sorry is that why you're scared because of that experience or you were already scared and what is francis's story like does that scare you that scares the shit out of me it's i got broken into a lot as a kid and i walked in on a couple um robberies and my parents got held up at gunpoint in the house fucking bruce wayne yeah i wish jesus christ i didn't get the the toughness out of it i got the scared out of it jesus christ so i think that fucked me i think that's why i was a bedwetter i had a lot of trauma yeah that'll do it yeah that reminds me of my favorite joke i ever saw you tell which was on the tonight show when you were like uh it must just be a cup of piss oh yeah yeah i went to bed at a friend's house and he was like what the hell happened i was like i spilled a cup of piss i had to fight for piss they wanted me to say piss is funnier yeah there's two dirty that's crazy this is sanitary what are you talking about it's sterile i think you can see fallon like shaking with laughter when you say that bit too in the background he's like a shadow yeah yeah those are fun times yeah now let you do a late night show and two people see it yeah is that just cooked now going on late night shows you get the credit i guess out of it like i can say i was on jimmy fallon but no one's gonna see it the clip of the show will do better than the show yeah just like this still photo of you having done it yeah i remember like ian lara telling me that like like occasionally after he'll do like fallon he'll just get like an email from someone like people will like email him and be like really loved the set yeah but like that's it one good thing is it's clean so you get like a corporate gig out of it maybe like yeah yeah fallon we'd love to hire you for an hour and you're like i can't do a clean hour yeah at a corporate gig sounds like hell oh i've done i just did one last weekend the pay is incredible but they're always a always shit i've been doing a lot of uh member guest golf tournaments not easy not easy you're working out there outdoors that is rough cigar men's mouths full of cigar yeah he's laughing around us just counting the minutes yeah yeah i mean the one that they had you do it's like the timing also it's like they were they wanted you to do it before like the kickoff of the member yeah yeah practice round and then like everyone's saying hi people have been flying in yeah they've all seen each other in years and like they're catching up and then some guys like you know hey by the way everyone gather around we got a comedian please welcome right and you're like no hope no host no opener horrible acoustics mic doesn't work every time just and people are like who who the fuck i don't know this guy i'm gonna go back to drinking yeah yeah my friends that i spent you know grew up with when you do it as often like a brand or like a company that you can tailor some material to or you just like let me just do what i fucking do i just did one for a steel company it was like a steel pittsburgh steel company oh so you're getting paid that they must be crazy money and then it's all a bunch of like steel guys like iron bear collar guys so they were they were actually cool but uh the only real laughs i got was i googled the dude who owned the company and it's just i don't give too much away i might get in trouble it's a big german guy so i was like all right steel german so i went out there and i was like this guy is fucking uh what a nazi huh he probably built the concentration camps all that steel i probably did the railroads and they were like and then you're like so i gotta i gotta marry and they're like yeah yeah they want their shit they wanted you to fuck with their people but they don't hear your stuff yeah that's corporate for you didn't you do one i feel like i saw a clip of you talking about doing one where like you were they gave you like a list of things to say oh yeah and they were like uh but then they were like what the fuck are you doing i did one in toronto great money again and the guy met me outside he's like i'm a huge fan you gotta do this joke i love this joke and i was like oh this is gonna be great this guy loves my stuff he's quoting jokes uh i got this it's gonna be a cakewalk and i go upstairs it's all these rich guys in suits at like a fancy restaurant horrible mic feedback and i'm bombing i'm bombing and the guys in the front row going like come on so i'm like oh i'll do the jokes he picked and those jokes at one point he looks up and he goes what are you doing and i'm like i'm doing comedy you fucking idiot this is what you asked for you wanted these jokes you like but he acted like i was like blowing like i'm doing something wrong i'm like this is what stand-up is oh my god i'm doing stand-up it's just not working i came what are you doing he's crazy i did one in vegas it was for a like a hedge fund and uh the whole they had they were doing a corporate retreat and at lunch they had a keynote speaker who was alex honnold from free solo oh that guy he's unbelievable wow he came out and did this whole powerpoint presentation or like slides and stuff clearly he tours this sure in a corporate environment when he needs a paycheck and like it was so seamless and he was tying in like you know business and like professional themes to like his ascent of el cap and like being like you know trying to like teach and like it was funny and cool cool and daring and all this and then everyone filed into this like small theater that had a huge stage that was way above everyone and i went up no opener yeah 45 minutes and then the uh ceo of the firm came on and apologized for me oh no 45 is too long for anybody you're gonna have a fucking cat williams up there yeah yeah what did he say what was the apology he was like uh hey everybody uh obviously we didn't really know what we were getting ourselves into but we're gonna do it we're gonna do it we're gonna do it we're gonna do it into there no oh no painful and you're just there side stage i yeah i mean i hadn't gotten paid yet the only thing worse than bombing on those is being you know insulted like that yeah yeah you got a double whammy yeah it was his fault i mean why do they continue to book comics if i've only ever heard stories about it going poorly i think i'm one of this too i think in their mind they're picturing like i'll book this guy everybody's gonna be howling laughing and high-fiving each other we're gonna have a great night but it just never turns out that way you got hr in the room it doesn't work for me it's that they see me at a comedy club and they've had a great time there and they think that that environment will translate to their work they're like i want to bring my people into this it's like well then bring them to the comedy club yes why not put on a even that doesn't work though or like have an opener and like a multiple acts you can you can try to express that but then you know they just don't get it my editing doesn't work you can you can try to express that but then you know attitude is these are not going to go well no matter what so i just want to get in rip the band-aid off get paid and get the fuck home yeah my my worst one i did a show at the cellar went well this guy goes i'm a big fan of your stuff i like how you're you're dark you say crazy shit i want you to do my hedge fund roast my hedge fund and i was like okay paid a lot of money it was up in um westchester took the metro north up i get there it's at a golf course with like ferrari you know bentley i was like oh my god this is a big deal i go in and he gave me like a cheat sheet of all these crazy zings on people like like this guy cheats on his wife this guy's a coke kid this guy's actually gay this guy's whatever and so i was like oh this is gonna be great i got all i got it all written for me so the guy goes up slick hair suit cigar and he's like all right i saw this guy at a comedy club he's fucking hilarious he's gonna roast us it's gonna be great and everybody's like all right it's a big ballroom round tables everybody's with their family and there's kids there and i go up and i'm like hey so is that bob in accounting and everybody's like hey bob bob's doing this shit you know and i'm like yeah we all know you're actually gay and his wife's like i knew it so that bombs so i was like oh okay shit hey rob we all know you're doing blow in the break room and he's like what the fuck two cops come in they arrest rob you know it was just like every horrible thing and i was like this guy cheats on his wife his wife's there it all was horrible and uh that was like six minutes in and so i see the guy in the back like oh no what the fuck are you doing i'm like you gave me this dirt i think i pulled this out of my ass and then i started trying to go into my act i'm like cereal's weird what's up with that and uh they hated me so i think i did probably like 16 minutes and got the hell out of there you just caught it on yourself you just pulled your pulled your own leash no the guy was like kind of doing this let's go let's go they always act like it's your fault and i'm like you booked me and you gave me these notes so yeah that's nasty um i hate to do it i have to jump out of the flight right you're good brother yeah are you gonna you're gonna be all right probably not oh no it was worth it this was really fun i really enjoyed it oh i feel it was a la guardia yeah all right we can get you there i'll be all right well you'll be fine thank you for coming in bro you're the man yeah you got anything you want to promote at all or watch uh watch my special on netflix uh we might be drug uh that's it i'm out two new stories and i'll see you on the road thanks for having me thanks mark that was awesome you're the man