Mark Normand - Opening Ceremonies - Episode 940

Before we start today's show, guys, you should know that Skank Fest is happening. Hey, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Fuck that. I got bigger news. The brand new Three for Life shirt is in stock now at skanksmerch.com. Fuck your festival. Jay, fuck you and your fucking everything about you. Your mom, she sucks too. It's also on our three brand new tank tops along with the classic Skank Face and Core Values design. But the main thing is the Three for Life is here. Plus, we've also got styles of shirts back in stock in every size, small to XXXL. And I know, Skanks, those smalls are not selling. And those XXXs are always out of stock. The smalls are 90% off. If you're a former Jay, like most of you, if you're a pre-shot Jay, you want to get that 3XL right now. We've also got hats and so much more coming soon. Right now, head over to skanksmerch.com to get your gear and rep the show you love. But, guys, it's all about the Three for Life. Three for Life. Four. He is us. Now, let's start the show. Fill her up. You're listening to the Gas Digital Network. When you hear that bomb drop, blop, blop, you know what to do. Open up the pit, bitch, I'm coming through. Big Jay, the battle rap champ. All up in your ass with the strap. Rat attack, tag, get jipped by the Jew. Clip, dick, split, you in two like a sensei. El Presidente. Puerto Rican rattlesnake, venom in your veins. Natural born killer. Legion of Skanks. Welcome to the podcast. What's up? What's up, everybody? Welcome to your favorite podcast. Sitting to my right, as always, is the great Ari Shafir. Thank you, everybody. Thank you. To my left, the Puerto Rican rattlesnake, Luis J. Gomez. I'm Big Jay Oakerson, and we are the legendary, Legion of Skanks. Thank you guys for being here. Three for life, and all the things. Three for life. Three for life. Three for life. Should we just get our guest out here? Of course, please. Hold on, let me ask the big boss. Should we bring him out? Yes. Yes, he said yes. What did they say in the booth? He said yes. All right, let's get our guest out here, then, everybody. Still mad, by the way. I didn't get my own fucking song. It's fucking great. By the way, you've brought it up a lot that you think, even jokingly, it would have been done by now. Yeah. No respect. You know him from We Might Be Mad. You know him from We Might Be Drunk. You know him from Protect Our Parks. And a special None Too Please available right now on Netflix. How about it? For the hilarious Mark Norman. Hey, we're here. Hold on. Jed, was it you that I told about? Wait, hold on, hold on. What the fuck? We're starting the show with secrets? Can I say that or no? What's wrong with Dave not here? Who's Dave? Long time friend of the show, Dave Smith. Oh, long time. He's telling people that he used to be on the show. What? Yeah. Dave Smith? What a piece of shit. What an asshole. What a liar. He's a fed. That guy tries to worm his way in anywhere. Believe nothing he says. He's a fucking fed. He's going downhill fast. Believe absolutely nothing he says. Back story. No, I did. Was it you that I told the hot tub story about Mark? And the ski trip? And the ski trip. You were there. Yeah. I gave you something to you. Oh, yeah. You gave it to all of us. That's right. It was like a bacterial whatever. Vaginosis. Bacterial vaginosis. We all had burning on our faces and arms. Eyes. Yeah, we all had a communicable disease that he gave everyone in a hot tub on a ski trip. It lived in 100 plus degree temperatures. Ranicese's that he got it. But I didn't believe him. It was hot tub that fucking warm wet. We all got something. I wrote the guy in the Airbnb. I'm like, dude, we all got something for you. I'm asked for anything. We all got something from your pool. He goes, bro, it's cleaned every week. No one's ever. It's one of you guys. And I was like, oh, right. Hot tubs are hot tubs are pretty gross. And when you get that when there's foam on top of a hot tub, that's like bad. It's like shit and skin. And like, it's like, oh, yeah, it's disgusting. It's like what they put in hot dogs. Yeah, I learned. I learned that. Yes. If a hot tub is like. Bubbly, like foamy at all. It's like gross. Now, before you know that, you're like, oh, bubbles. Yeah. Oh, you're blowing me your girlfriend's face. Yeah. Hey, take my fucking take my fucking toenail tops. Just fungus and shit and piss and skin. And look up what's in inside of a hot tub foam bubble foam juice. But yeah. And by the way, the amount I didn't even know you can get diseases from sitting in a hot tub with other people. We went on like guys, you're not fucking. Here's a beautiful word. If I ever get chlamydia and give it to a girl, I'm going to literally like, no, I was in a hot tub. That's crazy. I got it. Hey, that's pretty good. That's a pretty. Secret hot tub. Mark Norman. Yeah. Well, it's like it's me. It's like the toilet seat. Like excuse. Oh, yeah, I got herpes from the toilet. Oh, yeah, grabs grabs. Yeah, that was that happened to Magic Johnson. Let's see. That's what I heard. Let's see. Body oil, sweat, cosmetic hair products, detergent. It's what I heard. Shit beverages. Ask him if there's shit involved in fecal matter. Can you just turn? Turn the bubbles on and clear it. No, it makes it worse, dude. You sure it mixes in? No, it's just. No, the bubbles that you turn the bubbles on and then it's to be a nasty white foam on the top. And I would make myself like a Santa Claus beard. I'm like, oh, how foamy was this hot tub, man? Yes. Microscopic amounts of fecal matter are almost always present in shared hot tub water. That's all the water. That's not just the foam. Did you guys do foam parties in the nineties? What a disgusting one. Oh, man. You went to you went to a fun party. Yeah. It was great. I thought it was like a joke. Feel like people would say that, but it's not a real. I thought it was like New York club kids. No, it might have been a southern thing. We did them all the time. How high up was it? Oh, it was all the way up to like your it covered your dick. Wow. Yeah, I'd be under there trying to find quarters. Going to everyone's pockets. Just breathing through a straw. Yeah, we would go on ship rocked and I'd sit in the hot tub like with just the fattest, grossest metalheads. I'm picturing Ari's nose like a shark up in the water. I remember I got I got an infection in a hot tub. I went on ship rocked. I got a tattoo. I had an SDR tattoo on my leg like a like three o'clock in the morning. We were doing like a late night podcast. I don't even know what you were doing on the podcast. I was hosting SDR with Ralph for some reason. I didn't go in that year. You didn't go that year. Weird. So I, I get the tattoo and then they didn't give me any like ointment or anything. Yeah. And they click the tattoo shop. Do not go on a hot tub for sure. Well, the tattoo shop wasn't open until four or 5:00 p.m. the next day on the boat, right? So the next day I get up, I'm like, first thing in the morning, I get in the hot tub. Dude, hot tub water and a fresh tattoo. It's the worst thing you could do. Plus the fecal matter. Doggy, my entire leg swelled up like literally to the point where if you put your hand above the tattoo, you felt like actual heat, like a stove coming off of it. Why do you think it was a good idea to do that? I'm an idiot. Oh, I'm fine. I'm stupid. Thank you. Thank you. Annoying laugh guy. Annoying laugh guy. You can't sit this close. Your annoying laugh will be that much more distracting. That's insane. In your fucking mind. So one strike, you get literally one strike and you get moved to the back. You need to be in the fucking back of the club. So we're all like, what is that? Is that a ghost? So no, no hot tub after tattoo. No hot tub after tattoo. Have you ever tried a fucking a hot tub? Yes. Yeah. Yes. Yeah, me too. It's not great. It's pretty bad. You're better off just using the jet. Just spreading your legs and putting your hair against it. Fucking in water in general, isn't it? That great shower is fine, but I mean like a pool or a hot tub. No way. Pools are off. It fills with liquid. The whole thing fills up. Well, it'll fill with liquid, but also it wipes away her vaginal wetness, which for me, that turns me on more when she's not wet. So I like it. But you guys probably wouldn't be wet pussy. It's the fear that makes you cum. I like it too. The fact that she's in pain and I have to really force it in. It feels like you're swimming slightly upstream. Right. When I was a kid, we went tubing and I was with my high school girlfriend. We banged on like a sandbar and it popped out for a minute and it hit the sand and I put it back in. You have the story. Similar? Yes, the same. Were you the girl? I was under the. Oh, no. And now my pee just flies right out of me. There's no friction whatsoever. No, under a boardwalk. Under the boardwalk. Day after prom. Jay got some sand on his dick. Under the boardwalk. Sally's fingernails are pink. They're pink. But yeah, we were fucking under the boardwalk and my dick popped out and I just put it right back in. When it hit the cement? It was in a. Not a cement. It hit the sand. Oh, sand. Under the boardwalk. I'm picturing like a boardwalk like in the city. It's got like small shells on it. Where was this boardwalk? Ocean City, New Jersey. Oh, yeah. So there was also a heroin needle attached to his dick and a lot of feet broken glass. That's seaside, bruh. No, yeah. Yeah, for sure. It was a girl. That was my virginity too. Yeah, I fucking. It smoothed her out. That's your virginity story? No, you already fucked. No, no, no. We fucked at that point. That's a tough episode of Jersey Shore. Yeah. They call it getting snookied. Yeah, no, I don't think I've ever fucked on a beach. What? I've fucked on a beach, for sure. How could you not? You're on a beach. Come on. Yeah, but there's all these people around. Not a lot of beaches growing. I fucked in the water while people are on the beach looking at us. All right, there you go. Looking at you? Yeah, yeah. I'm just holding her. - We're floating. - I was watching. - And then people like. No, people don't know. Oh, so they weren't staring. You're saying that people were there. In fact, I banged with you. What? What? We went to Key West and off the boat. I banged. She banged. Weird. Yeah, that trip wasn't uncomfortable enough. Good, good. Yeah, we banged in the water while you guys were on the boat. Right there. Lewis talked me into going on vacation for him and his girlfriend to have their fucking honeymoon trip. It was crazy. Oh, weird. It was a new girlfriend. I was in love. It was batshit crazy to have me even come to this. Why? Your girlfriend was there, too. I know, but everyone was there to do work stuff. No, we weren't. Oh, I remember that trip. It was Rebecca, Trent, Christine, me, Lewis, and this new girl that no one knew at all. Who went to be my girlfriend for three years. You're a love bomber. I'm a love bomber. And a comedy bomber. That's good. I'll give you two. But, yeah. Look, it doesn't matter what I'm doing. I'm bombing. You're like Israel. Hey, folks, come on. That was Ferrari. We're awake. Oh, shit. Yeah. No, we weren't there. We were there to, like, do just a trip. Nobody in this room doesn't think that hang is completely weird. I don't think anyone thinks it's weird that I had my girlfriend on a trip. You had a girlfriend on a trip? No, no, no. Rebecca was the only one. It was weird for Rebecca. Buddy, she wasn't your girlfriend yet. Yeah, she was. No, but it was brand spanking new. No, she was my girlfriend, though, 100%. We were long distance forever. It was brand new. No one knew her at all. Yeah. It was a weird trip. All right. It was years ago. You didn't let it go. But you fucked her in the water. I fucked her in the water. Oh, okay. Okay. All right. No, that counts as a beach. We don't do it around people. You've got to do it at a deserted beach. He's into the around people. Yeah. That's what makes it hotter. Deserted beach, though. Where are you putting it? A deserted beach? A deserted beach, Ori. I don't know. You know, if you fucking were outside the Rockaways. If you fucking flint water, it gets cleaner. Okay. Oh, now I'm thinking of how fucking. I won't do that. The big boss. Now I'm thinking about how lame I looked probably talking to Louis while he's fucking the chick actively in the water. He's trying to hold it in an orgasm. He's like, oh, can I go home and never hang out with you on these kind of things? Why is Louis winking at me with one eye rapidly? There were so many situations of me sitting in the corner of the pool doing this. Doing flips by myself while Louis and this girl were touching foreheads like this. And I was like, right next to him, just going like, I'm going to go for three in a row. That's more of a you thing. It was horrific. You're weird. Oh, yeah. I guess I could have swam around and not done flips and watched you guys touch foreheads. It would have been weird either way. It would have been weird. You could have touched foreheads with Rebecca, not Christine. No, no, no. Can't touch foreheads with Christine. Do you see anything floating in the water like jizz? Or a jellyfish? No, thank God. If you jizz in water, it just floats on top. Yeah. No, yeah. Is that why your hair sticks up? Yeah, I get that. Something about Mary hair. Yeah. Do we want to touch on our fucking internal? Yeah, here's the thing. I noticed you have no high noons or White Claws or whatever you drink. Yeah, I was going to say, that sucks shit pretty hard. You had to get your own ashtray. Yeah. We need an intern. Yeah, this is getting crazy. You don't have an intern anymore? We lost one because he sucked. I did. I did. Shut up, Jake. Again, he did say on May 1st. Wait, Dave was an intern? Jake. All right, sorry. On May 1st, Jake said, give me another week and I'll pay the $500 that we owe you for the Mexico trip. Haven't heard anything from him. Yesterday. Wow. Yesterday hit him up. He was like, dude, don't worry. I'm going to pay you. Now there's no time limit on it, but. I do feel like we employ a grand enough staff that somebody should have gotten his drinks to start with. Yeah, maybe. You lost Jake? Yeah, we lost Jake. Whoa. He lost a bet he was for sure going to win. I was like a. Stop it with like, if you lose this, you have to, you're fired forever. Whoa. It was one of those where he definitely should have gotten it. And then he took $500 from Lewis and Ralph and went on with his life. Which I support. I support him on that. Why pay it back? You've been fired. You're going to pay back the money? Yeah, that's a good point. It was crazy. Who would ever do that? Who would ever owe somebody $500 and not pay it? That's a good question, Lewis. That brings up a damn good point. You still haven't paid off that fucking. You didn't tell me when. Fuck you, Alex. Fuck you, bitch. Alex, did you not get it yet? Oh, yeah. You also. Oh, her and me and Ari both. I owe Alex $600. I haven't gotten it and it's $600 for me. Oh. And honestly, soon it's going to accrue interest. Alex, can you look this up for me? If someone owes you $600 and said they would pay, you should pay them immediately and they haven't paid you in, Chachi would do this, and they haven't paid you in three plus weeks, how much should they owe you? Jew. Thank you. It's crazy. There's no interest on a bet. What? Until you made it. You have to, you have to get the parameters. You guys. The mistake that you guys made was you didn't tell me when I had to pay. Lewis, give me the money now. Let me see. If I have enough cash in my pocket, you could have it. Thank you. Are we talking Jake with the blonde hair, the ponytail? Red hair. With the horrible shoes. Are you saying if you have $2,600 in your pocket, you'll give it to me? I don't have it. Give me the money. How much do you have? Like $220. That's not enough. That's good. I can break that. Get more. Hey, can we get a bat down here? Yeah. Fuck up, Lewis. Let's beat the living shit, Lewis. No, you guys got to give me a chance to win it back. What? What the fuck are you talking about? Give my fucking money. I know two people named Natalia. I'll get my fucking money. I think two of them, both of them work for Gas Digital. No, I think you said Italia. Oh, Italia. Oh, that's right. Natalia. I went Russian mobster. Yeah. Not Italian fucking. I would never guess those guys as mobsters. No. The Italians, ma fangool. Hey, Jay. Yeah. Pick up the energy a little. Anyway, we need interns. We brought 10 here, our finalists. Oh, great. My energy is low because I want my drinks. It's all I can think about. They're always here. There's a waitress. Order the drinks from the waitress. Hold on. Hold on. Who's here to intern? Hold on. This fucking asshole in a winter hat's going to get the drinks right now. On his own? But I like the. Hey, good initiative. I like the initiative. What if he just starts running away? That's not where the drinks are. Wrong place. There we go. Oh, I saw Joe gave the speech again today. Yeah, he did. To some chick. There was some chick, I guess, who doesn't know what this is. He goes, I've never been wrong about this, but it's up to you, but you're not going to like it, and you're going to leave, so I'm going to sit you not in the best seat so you can get out easily. Where is she? I'm going to see if I see her, and I'm not going to. She left already? Wow. She left already? Seven minutes in? Eight minutes? No, I got eight people that wanted to leave. Eight people that wanted to leave. Where are they? He warns them that if they show up. They're upstairs. Fuck them. Who are they watching right now? Some dumb fucking TikTok person? Bitch, fuck you, Joe. Bring them back down here right now. Eight people? Wow. Geez. They don't know what the show is. They come for a stand-up night, and Joe tells them. Was that even bad? What was it? Fecal matter on the hot tub? That was it? They come for a stand-up show, and then Joe goes, it's not a stand-up show. They're going to talk about raping your mother. He tells them ahead of time. I don't like that. That sounds kind of cool. You're going to not like it. I would watch that. There's a chance we could get there in any given episode. Do the rape your mother bit. Is that ready? Call it in. So, look, we do have. We have. How many. Alex, did you make. How many winter or spring-turn Olympians showed up today? There's 10 here today. There's 10 here? That's too many. We've got to narrow it down. Mark's right. Good showing. So, I mean, can we. Should we pull the curtain aside a little bit? Full disclosure. Okay. So, the plan was we were going to have you guys all box each other in the streets, and we were going to get rid of half of you today. That was the plan. That was the plan. But the fucking dumb owners of this club said, literally, no, you cannot do that. It's a liability. You're going to hurt somebody. They're going to crack their skulls on the street. And we're like. Oh, thank you. That's what I said. They're going to fall and hit their heads. You did it wrong. Hey, dumb fuck. Hey, idiot. Hey, idiot. He needs three shots of tequila to hang out with his friends. He needs three shots of tequila and three of these. Jake cannot stomach us unless he has three shots of tequila. He showed initiative and fucked it up. He's kind of a brown noser, if you ask me. Well, there's fecal matter in the hot tub. Ah, good point. That's all right. I like it. That's all right. I'm trying, you know. No, we're going to get there. Yeah, well, this is good. This crowd's losing their minds now. Oh, hold on. I take it back. He'd already got them. Wow. He was just making two trips. Man. That was great. I'll tell you right now, I almost want to say this guy should get advanced into the next round. He's already advanced into the next round. Because he took the initiative in these fucking lazy pieces of shit. It was obvious what we needed. He did think, though, that the three shots were one for each of us. So he didn't know that. So he didn't know the thing. But he did pretty good. He got it. Pretty good. Listen, guy did fucking, he took the bull by the horns. I would say we give him a pass immediately on to the next round. I would say. Can I add to it? There you go. I don't think that's enough. I think he should pick two people to go at it for an elimination right now. He gets to pick two people and one has to be eliminated. Two will enter, one will leave. In an elimination challenge? Yeah. What can the challenge be? We should just make the box anyway. What are the owners of this place going to do? They're not going to shut us down. Sue us ultimately. You have no foresight. No, I have no foreskin. When we had this meeting about this today, I go, I don't think they're going to let us do this here. And you guys, you went, shut up. Those guys are my bitches. And then they ignored you until they said no. He was going to box you guys against each other. He was going to agree you're boxing. figure out. - Yeah, I thought it was a great idea. But it was a very funny idea. I was going to put the black guy against the ball chick. That was my number one pick. Black guy ball chick was going to be a fucking fight. So we're going to, look, here's the thing. I like that idea, Ori. He gets to pick two of them against each other. Right now. Which, sir, the challenge would be, come over here for a second. We'll interview you first. Guys, give it up for our first advancer. Give it up for, we don't want to know your name. We decided we're going to name you guys based off of our interviews. We're going to sit them down. Thanks, She-Mike. By the way, the whole plan was to interview them? Definitely couldn't have seen a chair being necessary. Yeah, a chair and a microphone. How you doing? Are you willing to kill Chelsea Handler? Now to confirm or deny those allegations. Just joking. Okay, what's up, man? What's up, dude? What's your name, buddy? Tom. Tom. Can we have another Tom in our life? I don't know. Tom, weigh in on that. That's definitely an issue. So, yeah, dude, you took the initiative, which is nice. You're going to get an automatic. You're going to get an automatic pass to the next round, which is fucking great. What's your story? Who are you? Where'd you come from? Remind me. Toasty Tom, the submission video. Toasty Tom. I don't like that. Well, you're all submission videos. No, no. Well, no. Some of the cats got passed for just grabbing you a drink and somehow beating somebody. Oh, that's right. The dead kid. I completely forgot that. This dead kid. You're undead. This guy. The guy's seen 17 wars. You think he'd have a fucking. This kid who died in the basement of the stand. Yeah. A hundred years ago. He's trying to do the mod version of that now. That's right. He just showed up. So, but. Well, that's rules. Is there no rules? All right. So, first of all, where are you from? I'm from. I live in Westchester. Westchester County. So, you can be here every week, which is great. Let me ask. We're going to give some traditional. Bobby Kelly says you can get from Westchester to here in 45 minutes. True or false? Driving? Yeah. No, flying, you dickhead. What do you think? How would you get to Westchester? Train. Train. No, driving. Driving. The right traffic. Just think before you talk is all. Terrible answer. But. Terrible answer. All the way down here. That's retarded. All you guys in Westchester are retarded. You live in a fucking another state. There's something in the water up there for sure. Laurie hates you. It's fecal matter. All right. I think you seem like a pretty good dude. I didn't say any Semitic jokes yet. So, all right. So, all right. We're going to ask you some traditional questions here. And you're going to pass to the next round. You're the only one who stepped. You stepped up. You hear that, you fucking losers? None of you guys stepped up. It was so easy. So easy. We realized for an intern. By the way, we should announce what this whole competition is. I think they know. It's a spring turn Olympics. It is a spring turn Olympics. Spring turn Olympics. Spring turn. Spring turn. Sing it loud and proud. Spring turn. You better get all the lyrics right. Olympics is a spring turn Olympics with Toasty Tom. There's ten of them. Ten of these motherfuckers showed up. It's the spring turn Olympics. And one girl. And a tranny. And we're not sure it's a girl or a guy. Spring turn. Is it a girl or a guy? I thought that was hard. Oh, okay. Mark, god damn it. There's no claps at the end. There's no. Oh, sorry. Come on, Mark. Mark. Norm. It's fucked it up. Spring turn. Spring turn. What's up, girl? You want to show her how fat your wallet is? I got lots of money. You don't have to wait on tables anymore. Let Lewis take you away. He'll take you away from all of this nonsense. Have you been to Jamaica? Who knows if you have? How do you feel being a young stepmom? Young stepmom. Guys. Guys. Interns. What the fuck is wrong? Who was it? Was that the intern? Who was it? No, was it one of the interns? It was one of the interns? They're fucking out of here right now. Lewis. It was Nick's jacket. Nick's jacket. I watched him do it. And then when you turned, he went like this. I know. Nick's jacket did it. He's still clapping. Nick's jacket. You're a fucking idiot. What are you doing? One more time. You're fucking out of here. You will be out of here. You'll be fucking out of here. See that big black guy over there? That's a bouncer. Whoa. His whole job. We have a fucking show to get to. Come on, dude. Come on, everyone. First position. Let's go. Just like my hot tub. You had to clap. Spring turn. It's the spring turn. Do you think the waitress is thinking about me right now? I like our spring turn Olympics. This is the third time. No one better clap at the end of those songs. You're not a real Nick's fan if you're here. It's the playoffs right now when you're here. It's the playoffs. It's the playoffs. Beautiful. Wow. Wow. We did it, boys. Holy shit. My father showed up. Dad. Papa. Back from the dead. It's two weeks in a row. This show's got a lot of rage. You're talking about raping your wife and a sing-along. Honestly, we should do a sing-along to raping his wife. How fun would that be? So anyway, yeah, you. Tommy. Toasty Tom. I don't like that he gave him his own name. He doesn't get that. It was my wrestling gimmick that I used. Well, this isn't a gimmick. This isn't a gimmick, dude. This is a fucking serious show. How about that? How about you have a little respect for the Legion of Skanks? We're legends, dude. Ah, fuck. Well, now I want to call him Gimmick. Ooh, Gimmick is a good name for him. That's not a bad word. The Gimmick. All right, Gimmick. That's your name. Thank you, Jay. That works. Jay's a master at naming people. It's not even the Gimmick. Just Gimmick. Gimmick. All right, Gimmick. It's kind of a cool name. Well, you passed the next round. We need two people for you to go against. We'll tell you what the challenge is. Is he going against them? He's putting them against each other. No, he's putting them against each other. He's Mandingo-ing our interns. Yeah, you should pick the people that you think are probably the biggest threats to you. After I said that, please don't choose the black guy. Okay. No, not a threat like he's going to take your wallet. He made a Mandingo reference to leave the room. Please choose two white people. I forgot there was at least one black guy there. If you wouldn't mind. I'll leave the token alone. It helps out the show. So before you choose, hold on, before you choose, what would you say is your greatest strength? Oh, yeah. My willingness to eat shit as an intern. Literally eat shit. Eat shit. No, no, no. Get the hot tub. Get the hot tub right now. Yo, get a straw and drink my hot tub. The intern is doing the dirty work. I mean, running here for there, running there for that, running your drinks and all that stupid shit. Yeah. Tackling women trying to get away from Lewis. I kind of like affirming all his allegations. Yeah. That guy's good. Hell yeah. What's up? You rule. What's up, new waitress? She's been here. You've been here for six years? Okay. Never mind. And you've never been to Jamaica? I haven't been to Jamaica yet. Wow. You must lay low. Do you like fucking in the ocean? That's Lewis' way of saying you look good tonight. Holy shit. Hey, me and Jay are going to go to a nice private dinner. Do you want to join us and make Jay uncomfortable? I've been here for six years. You want to have Jay flip his fucking table mat over and start doing mazes and fucking word searches while me and you fucking finger under the table? Get Jay some crayons. Jay hates love. What? You hate love, dude. How is that what you're deducing from what's happening here? This is not about you. It's about gimmick. How about that for once we just fucking. Stop bringing it up how terrible that trip was. That trip was not terrible. It was. I was there to bodyguard to make sure no one attacked you and your girlfriend while you guys fucking sucked each other off. Gimmick. Gimmick. Yep. What is your greatest weakness? That hat? Yeah. Probably that I'm aggressively. I'm aggressively stoned most of the time. Huh? No, that's a good thing. That's a strength for the Spring-Term Olympians. That's not bad. Do you have a day job? Do I have a day job? Yeah. Yeah. What is it? I work parks and rec. That's like one of my like shit. I've done both of the shows. And then I work like different like moving jobs, landscaping jobs, shit like that around. So you're a drug addict. No, but I work that around the schedule of wrestling and comedy and stuff, so. That's what drug addicts say. I'm a bouncer. I do a little plaster. I do some plaster work. I'm good with drywall. I can hold a ladder. I'll do whatever. You want me to shovel shit? I'll clean out your garage. If you need wires taken out, I'll take them out. But you're a pro wrestler. Yeah. Pro? Yeah. I'm a pro wrestler. Nice paws. Nice fucking pregnant paws. Yeah. Look at them. So watch your mouth before you get almost slapped and he smacks his chest. Right. That's cool. Okay. Hold on. You got us free tickets or something? Yeah. House of Glory shows? Hell yeah. Okay. Oh, hell yeah. That's a point in his favor. That's a good point in his favor. This is a great question, actually. I didn't know they put this on here. This is a great question. All right. Gimmick. Jay tells you to do one thing. Lewis, me, tells you to do the opposite. Oh. What do you do? I mean, you could. Pause. Think about your fucking. Yeah. Don't just fucking throw it out there, Gimmick. Take a second. I mean, ultimately, this podcast is on Gas Digital. Right. And that's the. Chain of Command, the end of the funnel. Wow. That's the wrong answer. You literally. Can I show you what the right answer would have been? Go ahead. Hit me. No, do it. Do it. Actually, hit me. No, no, please do not. Please do not do that again. No more hitting. Give me the question. All right, Jay tells you to do one thing. Lewis tells you to do the opposite. What do you do? Okay. Well, I'll tell you what. I need more information than that. Are you acting in your own best interest? Are you not? Do I feel like you both need a breather? There could be a lot that goes into it. I need more specific information. Alex, put up that shot of that lady that looks like the mask again. Hey, what are we talking about? What? No, the answer would be to just do what Jay tells you to do. Whoa. And I'll tell you why, because Jay will hold it against you for the rest of your time here. No, it's over. I mean, literally, it's over. You're never going to be able to. If you do what Lewis says, I'm going to quit Gas Digital. You have no idea what you just did. You literally just. You're lucky you're in next week because Jay would have had to. Story Wars is going to be a one-soldier fight. Yeah, you fucked up. I fucked up. Yeah, yeah. I guess that's my greatest weakness. It's your fuck-up. Yeah. I like it. All right, well, I think we do the challenge right now. You have to pick two. You already know them. You already know who you want to pick. Yeah. All right, who are they? The dude in the hat. Dude in the hat? Yeah. Oh, hats on hats. Hat dude, woo. Dude in the white shirt in the corner. Wow, all right. Let's go. Come over here, boys. Come over here. Straight white male. Straight white males, of course. Why did you choose these guys? Because you wouldn't let me choose the black dude in the ball shake. I thought it was going to be boxing. That is fair. I think this would be the best boxing matchup. He really did do what he was told. One of you guys are being eliminated right now. He comes with joints for the table. Very smart. And the challenge is whoever gives us the most free drugs wins. You are the winner. Fuck you. You're out of here, you fucking dweeb. Get through. Sorry. Nice try. Sorry, buddy. You got to go. Wow. You guys just do this. You do this every week and get free drugs. That was the easiest and best one. Wait, what was your. Actually, don't worry about it. No, you got to leave all together now, sir. You're not allowed to be in the room. Wow. You got to leave all together. You got a free ticket. There's a wait list. You're fucking gone, buddy. Maybe you should have showed up with free drugs instead of being a fucking asshole. Initiative out the ass. Damn, dude. How'd that guy know I was going to say the challenge is whoever gives us free drugs? I feel terrible, but it's a little bit his fault that he's out of here. He came up with a water can. Get out. Get out. Why are you here? Nah, nah, nah, nah. Hey, hey, hey. No, no, no, no. No. Fuck you. You don't get the star chance yet. It's your first minute on the show. You're out of your fucking mind. God damn it. No, not thank you. Fuck you, buddy. Get out. We're sick of your shit already. Oh, my God. That was the easiest elimination we've ever had. That guy felt like a spy. Security, remove him. He feels off. He looked like a Mormon. That's another thing I could do as an intern. He's so mad. He's so mad. I don't know if I remember him from the videos. He showed all the way up here. Who was he? Was that Nick Fuentes? I don't know who Nick Fuentes is. Is that Nick Fuentes? You guys are idiots. That was the Bob Lazar video guy. Oh, Bob Lazar. Aw. Damn. We're better off. We're better off. It was his fault. Talented. Damn. I love that guy. He was the only one with the production. The guy was genuinely skilled and talented. Oh, fuck. I really wanted that one to win, to be honest. And now we don't have a chance to go, Bob Lazar. Bob Lazar. Bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam. There's no backseats, though. That's it. Once it's done, it's done. There's one rule in Springtime Olympics. There's no backseats. Well, now we're officially out of people who know how to do computer stuff. No, but you know what? We don't need to do computer stuff. They've got to be able to get drinks and then maybe bounce the room. Yeah. Which fucking. He could. Gimmick could. All right, Gimmick, you're safe. You're safe till next week. There you go, Gimmick. See you later. One more time for. Give it up for the Gimm. Gimmick. Gimmick. Gimmick. Gimmick, Gimmick, go sit in that guy's corner chair, the one who just got thrown out. All right, guys, let's take a quick moment to thank Blueprint, one of our brand new sponsors on the show. It is easy to get overwhelmed when it comes to taking supplements. I know I do. Blueprint cuts through all that noise with their brand new longevity mix. Instead of a cabinet full of pills, Blueprint's longevity mix is one scoop mixed into water, and that is it. Science-backed data, data-driven ingredients, Blueprint helps support energy, cognitive performance, mood, focus, sleep, and healthy aging. Lewis, Lewis, I'm sorry. Listen, I'm all about sponsors, but I don't want to be scooping all day. No, it's one scoop, dude. All day, one scoop. That's all you need to do. What? Yeah, swear to God. By the way, it's third-party tested for purity and toxins, like heavy metals. Yeah, you can see the results and everything and the supplements on their site, but it doesn't matter. Science-backed, precision-dosed, no BS. For a limited time only, Legion of Skanks fans can get 20% off plus free shipping at blueprint.brianjohnson.com by using the code SKANKS at checkout. One more time, that's code SKANKS at blueprint.b-r-y-a-n-j-o-h-n-s-o-n blueprint.brianjohnson.com for 20% off. After you purchase, they're going to ask where you heard about them. Support the show. Let them know you heard about them from Legion. Legion of Skanks. And one more time, that's blueprint.brianjohnson.com for 20% off with code SKANKS. Guys, today's episode of Legion of Skanks brought to you by Indicloud. You know, nobody really likes clouds in the summer. Unless it's Indicloud. Guys said Indicloud. You got to write me something better than that. That's crazy to think that you want me to sell that like that would have been my joke. That's a bad, I will say. That's fucking crazy. That's terrible. Hold on, let me do it again. Go ahead. Nobody likes clouds in the summer unless, no, fucking no. Indicloud sucks. You can't set me up like that. Now I got to go home and smoke weed. Can I tell you the problem? The problem with Indicloud is they're all so high that they're writing horse shit copy. It's so cheap. It's such good weed. It's so cheap. Bro, bro, bro. Tell me Indicloud thing. Put it down. It's so fucking funny. They got gummies, flour, zero calorie THC sodas, everything to get you fucking toe up from the flow up. Yeah, it comes right to your door and it's like, it is DEA cert, not DEA. We watched the bet. Oh no, it is DEA certified. The bet that you lost that where you owe everybody a ton of money, we were all fucked up from that Indicloud. On Indicloud specifically. Yeah, dude. It gets you really high. It comes right to your door. It's lab tested. 21 and over only. Don't fuck with us. Yeah. Mother approved. Mother approved. Kid tested. Go to Indicloud.co. 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That's R-U-G-I-E-T dot com slash skanks and use the offer code skanks for 20% off. Your dick will thank you later. All right, where were we? Come on, guys, give it up for Hat Guy. All right, Hat Guy. He did give everyone lots of, which was a smart move. - Smart move. - I like that. We, I mean, that was a, we, Jake actually, won when he won the internal Olympics you know was the dab turn Olympics. That's all it was. And we had people show up and just give us free dabs. Like three people showed up and we're like, alright, I guess he's the one. What's going on, dude? Are you in the movie biz? How you doing? My name's Greaser. Greaser. Stop trying to give your own fucking names. That's my last name. No. We're not calling you by that. Don't call me that then. We're going to call you whatever we want to call you. Don't give me permission. I'll do whatever I want. By the way, this is, I missed fraternities in college. This is the best thing. Hey, hey, hey, actually, we're going to call you Puke. Springtime wannabes. There's an old ritual in hazing where if anybody says face I'm sorry, you have to go down and just get on your hand, like your face and then stay there for 15 seconds. What do you mean? What does that mean? That's just the rule for hazing. If a pledge comes in and you yell face, they have to get down on their. Straight down? On the floor. With their face on the floor. 10 or 15 seconds, yeah. Face. You don't have to rush down there. You can just go at a regular pace. I would call this guy Nutsack. Is that a puke? Yeah. Alright, get up. I'll go with Nutsack. It makes Jay happy to name him. Alright, get up, Nutsack. Nutsack. Hey, Nutsack. Alright, so. I like it. So, let me ask you a question on Nutsack. Where do you see yourself five years from now? Hopefully just following you guys around, doing whatever the fuck you say. Damn, nice. Lack of initiative is awesome, dude. Zero dreams is big. Uh-oh, look who's back. Oh! He found drugs! He's back in! He's back in! He's back! Bob Lazar! Bob Lazar! Bob Lazar! Bob Lazar! Oh, not taking no for an answer is a great trade-off. By the way, that is legitimately a great. Yeah! The bouncer's feeling so happy! He knows a black guy! He knows a black. Oh my god, he's choking out the black bouncer! He's really trying to win it! At first, I was like, where'd he get the joint? Then he hugged the black guy. Wait, is he leaving still? You can tell him he can come back. Oh, that guy's a lot. You see, he's back in the contest. He left again. So he doesn't take no for an answer. He got us free drugs, but he doesn't listen. He's back. Yeah! Bob Lazar, you're back in. But don't fuck this up. Go over there. Hey! Face. He wasn't here for that. You should know. It's okay. Go over there. Shut up. See? He's a lot, this guy. He's a lot, you're right. I'm telling you. Bob Lazar. Bob Lazar. Look, he's talking to people in the crowd. Bob Lazar, shut the fuck up. Sit down. Bob Lazar. You're lucky to be back. We're really just winging this. We had no plan. Relax, dude. You were supposed to be boxing on the street right now, and we had to figure out a different thing. Bro, fucking chill out. You want to know the rest? Buy the rights. Bob Lazar. Bing, bing, bing. Bing, bing, bing. All right, so NutZack. NutZack. All right, we're going to ask you another question here. Have you ever done any gay stuff? Some people would probably consider that. What's the gayest thing you've ever done? I had sex with another man's wife. Man? With another man's wife, and he was also there. And I think we double. That was you? I think we double. I was really drunk. I'm pretty sure we double teamed or something. Did you bring your own notes? These are the fucking, yeah. You brought notes? The resume. Oh, this is your resume? Yeah. Oh, nice. I don't mind it. I don't mind that. It was in the email. A handwritten resume is way harder. He could have just chatted you between a resume and moments. He wrote it out by hand. He said to bring three copies. And then ripped one piece of paper into four. Oh, they said to bring three copies. This is three resumes. Can we read one? Yeah, let's see. You want me to do it? Please. I know you can't read. Come on. These all say the same thing. Charles Green. Yes, sir. Ten years audio experience running music festivals. Okay. Ten years electronic repair tech. So you did both of those things consecutively? No, I do them both now. In between fucking guys with a girl. Here's what I predict. This guy's going to be kind of an off-the-mic intern. I don't know. I think you're right. I think this is a guy that would go out and do, remember we had to send Jake out to do silly things. Yeah, I'll do anything. Yeah, I'm crazy, dude. I thought this guy will walk up to anybody in Union Square and say anything. I'm all jacked up on body brain. Dude, you know what, dude? I like it. Ashwagandha. Al-Thi-Ani. Tom-Kar-A-Li. All that's going to get you kicked out of professional volleyball. What was that? What were those words? Was those black guys you know? Those are black guys who work in Lewis's coffee sweatshop. Ashwagandha, get back to work. I think you put a hex on Ari. All right. Ashwagandha, you want your family to come to this country? Keep working. Keep pedaling. Tom-Kar-A-Li is outworking you. All right. Degree in electronic engineering and audio production. You should be over on the ones and twos, maybe. And trustworthy, reliable. Greaser. Easy to work with, trustworthy, reliable. Nutsack. Nutsack. Okay. Nutsack. Let's see. Are those real glasses? Oh, yeah. And the flip up? All right. Flip up, flip down. Flip up, flip down. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. So, Nutsack, just right off your head, just right away, name five songs. Any songs. Go. Five songs. Wow. This is crazy. Still has not. Do you know Happy Birthday is a song? Happy Birthday? No, I can't use that one now. There's some words. If you just say words, some of those things are just songs. Knock it on heaven. Say words. help yesterday. Name another song. Five songs. Any song. Happy birthday. No, you can't say happy birthday. That's insane. Wow, dude. Wow. Wow. You're an audio engineer. How about give it away now? Bob Lazar, name five songs. That's a band, you idiot. He said Grateful Dead. These are truly the dumbest people you could have ever gotten. You still are at one. Give it away now. Give it away now. How did nobody say how bizarre? We've sang it 15 times here. Bob Lazar, Bob Lazar. Under the bridge. Are you talking about where you live now? We have a. We haven't moved on to that part. That's where Jay fucked. Touch of Grey. Touch of Grey, Grateful Dead. Althea. Alright, you got five songs. That's your sand, man. Now he's showing off. I also believe that his penis is in his fanny pack, so when he asks people to reach into it. Do you have a nice dick? It's hard. Sorry, he's got good balls. He's got good balls. Ladies and gentlemen. I just want to go on Nutsack. He's got good balls. Nutsack. Nutsack stinks. He nailed it. Jay knew it. Nailed it. Alright, Nutsack. You're safe for now. We are having a challenge at the end of this. We're eliminating three people today, unquestionably. Whoa. So, we have a challenge coming up in a little bit. But thank you, Nutsack. Thank you. You're good. Thank you. Nutsack. Nutsack. You're making me crazy. Nutsack. Ari, who are you texting? Alex. Oh, who are you texting? Editing note. Okay. Okay. Editing note. Okay. What was it? Me raping him? No. To put up a fucking timer from when you asked him, "Name five songs." Yeah. That was crazy. He was at one for like a minute and a half. That was. I didn't even think. I didn't even realize there was a question on there, but I realized what a great question that was at the moment. You just froze him. You just froze him. Name any five songs. Yeah. He's thinking of the right answer. Yeah. Any five. Yep. Out of. There's a lot. There's a billion. There's a lot. You could just start saying, "She'll be coming around the mountain." Yep. Yeah. Yeah. Happy birthday, Twinkle Little Star. Can't tell the lady. Yeah. Public domain. Heil Hitler. Hello. Heil Hitler. The song's called "Hail Hitler." Yeah. Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm just singing the hook. The chorus. I'm singing the hook notes. Not bad. Not bad. Not bad. Come on, folks. Folks. All right. Let's see. Who else do we got? G-Mike. G-Mike, you can pick. You can pick. Bob Lazar. Bob Lazar. Bob Lazar. Oh. Bob Lazar, guys. Give it up for Bob Lazar. Wow. That's his name. Oh, yeah. For sure. That's his name. Bob Lazar's a real person, right? Yes. Yeah. Alien guy. But this guy's Bob Lazar. You're Bob Lazar now. That's me. Are we gonna call him Bob for short? It's gotta be Bob Lazar every time. No. Bob Lazar. Bob Lazar's one word. Yeah. It's not funny if we don't call him Bob Lazar every time. Bob Lazar. - Bob Lazar. - Bob Lazar. - What's up with the Bob Lazar? - What's the Bob Lazar connection? I think he did a video, something with Bob Lazar. No, so Ari, no, here's what happened. Ari on Protect Your Parks, they made that joke. They did. I knew I heard it before somewhere. And then Ari convinced us that we made the joke, and then we just started running with it. Now it's become our joke that we stole from Protect Our Parks. Because I said, like, I feel like I've heard this before. Yes. I said, we've done this before, and you were like, no, we haven't. I'm like, man, you really remember this. Man, I just, you convinced us that we had. We did it first, just like the rig. Oh, yeah, you were on the, oh, oh, oh. Oh. Hey. Yo. You hear that, Bobby? Bob Lazar is very cocky. This is, I mean, the first question was, would you ever just ask for a lighter without permission to start smoking in a room? Wow. This guy's an Indian giver. You brought the joint for them. Yeah, it's crazy. This is the Joe joint, actually, my friend. Oh, that's your own joint. No, this is the other guy brought these five joints, and then this is the joint from Joe. Bob Lazar, you're so nervous. This guy makes me crazy. Wait, wait, wait, hold on. Bob Lazar, Bob Lazar, hold on. Pick someone right now to go against. We don't know what the challenge is yet. I'd like to go against RJ. RJ, you advance to the next round. Bob Lazar, get out. You're too long. RJ, you just got picked to the next round. RJ, you're in. Bob Lazar, get the fuck out of here and really leave this time. We're sick of you, dude. You're weird as fuck, dude. He's not going to be not annoying. He's not going to bring us a joint. Joe gave him the joint to give to us. He just took credit. I was so excited at Bob Lazar back then. What is this? The Special Olympics? Kind of. I'm talking about this guy. That guy became immediately scary. I'm telling you. I got to read off that. Come on. You got to trust our guests. What's up? I like he's dressed like an Olympian, which is a smart move right now. This is very good. And he brought an attache. He's got a Make-A-Wish vibe. Three for life. He made his own shirt. And he gave us shirts. You remember? He made us shirts last week. Resume. We got some resumes. Ronald Joseph, RJ. That's me. His real name is Ronald, which is wild. He's got a card. He's got a card. He's got a cover letter. Dear Legion of Skanks, I'm writing to formally express my interest in the spring-turned position. I bring a unique background that includes web development, digital media, and psychiatric nursing. My experience working in high-pressure and unpredictable environments has prepared me well for both psychiatric care and live chaotic settings. As a longtime fan of Legion of Skanks, I understand the importance of commitment, adaptability, and being able to roll with the punches. Can you roll with the punches? Mm-hmm. Punch him. Let's see. You got to roll. Lewis. He's on Molly. This guy's magna cum laude from Southern Connecticut State University. I'm going to make this guy's wife cum laude all night tonight. Ew! You're going to make her mega cum laude. Cum laude. I'm pretty sure that's his daughter. He went to. It's his daughter? Daughter. Oh, hell yeah, dude. Even better. Why would you bring your daughter near me? The fuck is wrong with you? You should have her taken away by a Puerto Rican. Oh, this guy, he's also a husky where he came loudly there. What's a husky? It's just a mascot. You call it a husky. It's a big J. University of Connecticut. That was the section. Big and tall? No, before they called it big and tall, they called it a husky section. It was kids. It was the husky section. Oh, it sucked. It's embarrassing as hell. Husky jeans. You know what they call the girl chubs? Chubette. It's cute. It's kind of cute. No, you have Lane Bryant is where all the fat chicks shop, right? Oh, yeah. That was like. And Tori, you fat sluts. Let's see. This guy's got some good skills, I will say, which is nice, because we really just kicked out Bob Lazar, but I'll be honest with you, that guy was going to do something weird. He had a shooter vibe. He was going to cut our hair, like pieces of our hair to take home and shit. He watches to sleep. Web developer. Most recently, you're currently a registered nurse. I am a registered nurse. All right, no, I want you to look at Ori's ass, and I want you to give us an honest diagnosis of what you think is going on in there. And what could be a course of treatment. Okay. You don't know what you're copping for. I'm not palpating, though. There's no gloves. It's going to be bad for all of you. No, but go over by him. Yeah, do it by him. You got to show it to him, Ori. All right. All right, let's drop him, sir. No, I won't. I won't touch you. All right. Oh, and honestly, looks pretty clean. It looks pretty healthy. Yeah. You don't mean that. Come on, Nurse Betty, get in there. There's no redness. There's no erythema. Get in closer, dude. There's no erythema, no bleeding. There's some giant balls back there. No, stop bleeding, by the way. There's no bleeding. He bleeds a lot. No, there's no blood. I'm not seeing. Wait, let me get a better look. There's nothing. I feel like picking up fries off this lady's plate. This guy's not prepared for emergency medicine. Are you lying about being a registered nurse? No, no, no. Look at the waitresses. They're going to sue us. They don't want to see you know Ari's asshole. Holy shit, that was heavy duty. It looks good. It looks good, Ari. It looks good. I'm going to trust the doctor. I know this. Maybe. Look at me. Maybe a little more fiber, but you're good. His ass looks like his face. It's all hairy. Hey, Mark. Somehow you and Ari got in a hot tub together and you got him sick. That's a fucking feat. Thank you. We have to give him a name, Jay. I thought Nurse Betty was pretty good. Nurse Betty. Nurse Betty. Or Ratchet. I kind of like this guy. I like him. I like him. I will be seeking a second opinion. I'm a new nurse. It's a good idea. Yeah. Let's see. I mean, let me ask you a couple of questions before we go on to the next person. But I like you so far. Do you always have Narcan on you? Always. Yes. Really? I brought a med kit. I'm not kidding. It's in my backpack. Can I ask you a question? Don't think what it means. What would happen if you Narcan somebody who was not overdosing? You just get super like tachycardic, like wake you up. Yeah. Oh, hell yeah, dude. Can we give it to this audience right now? Can we Narcan somebody? Can we Narcan the audience? Somebody in here is on heroin. I don't want to lose my license, but we can get, I bet one of the other interns would too. Okay. Okay. Okay. Actually, different question. If you Narcan someone on camera, would that be funny? The Nar. Yes. The Narcan. Ooh. Hey. Narcan. Now we're getting somewhere. That's weird. It's like a jackass style thing where we sneak up behind our friends and Narcan them in the back. Oh, my God. Whoa. What the fuck was that? Whoa. Whoa. Let's do some housework. Yeah. What is Narcan? How do you administer Narcan? I always, I, by the way, it's so funny because you said like you stab it like a needle. No, no, no. I assumed it's like something you breathe in. Yeah. It's nasal. You go like. Oh, really? Yeah. It's like a nasal spray. Oh, we got a Narcan. Jay was imagining it like a Pulp Fiction, like you're going to stab it into her heart. Whatever. If I'm ever going to save a life, it will be by stabbing them in the heart. That's adrenaline, I think. Yeah. That's. This is Narcan. Oh, thank you. Whoa. He has Narcan on him. Wait a minute. Let's put that in Ari's ass. Whoa. It'll wake your ass up. That's pretty good. There's already beads up there. I mean, dude, this is. He just needs to be regular for his matches. It's already opened. Why do you have an open Narcan? Oh, that's like a used condom. There's still some left. Jesus Christ. Can you Narcan? It'll just wake you up. Wait, is it Narcan or Narcan? Yeah, like it's. Because if you're ODing, like your body's slowing down. Dude, you're a pussy. Narcan yourself. I'm not touching that. Narcan yourself right now, dude. Wait, what? One use. One use. No, this isn't used. He said it just cracked open in the bag. Yeah, I'm not Narcan. Anybody willing to be Narcan? Don't do it. Don't do it. Hold on. You know what? What? Automatic pass for one of the interns. If one of the interns is willing to be Narcan, automatically into the next round. Wait, can we look up what it does? Somebody Google it. Everyone relax. This is Lewis being Lewis. Somebody Google this. Somebody look up what this could do. Oh, we brought up the closest to death one. Oh, wow. Oh, my God. It's a zombie. Oh, my God. Yeah. Yo, what if this guy starts fucking moonwalking after you give it to him? He does the entire thriller choreography. Sir, you're walking like a zombie. Which is a song, you dumb fuck. Mike, look it up. Look up Narcan. It's safe. It's safe. It's safe. I'll do it. 100% safe. Wait, wait, wait. Let me see. Hello. Wait, wait, wait. Before he dies, let's find out his story. Guys, give it up. Not yet. Hold on. Give it up for Nurse Betty one more time. Nurse Betty, you're. Nurse Betty is so happy to get away from this shot. Because Nurse Betty just grabbed him and goes, don't. Don't do it, dude. And then you're like, get out of here, Nurse Betty, you fucking naysayer. By the way, they all sound weird. Oh, dude, naysayer. Naysayer might be a better name for him than Nurse Betty. Naysayer. I like Nurse Betty. Save that for the black guy. All right. So you want me to do this? Wait, wait, wait. What's your name there, weirdo? Oh, Luis Paulino. Luis? Luis Paulino. That's a great name, dude. Luis Paulino. Paulino or Paulinho? Paulino. Okay. Luis, I bet $30 this guy can throw a football better than you. First of all, you know I throw a football better than you thought I could. I do. You do. He just believes in this guy. I just think this guy's got a fucking tight spiral. He's going to put it right in the numbers, dude. He's got a football launcher on that. Yeah, I see his resumes. Let's see. There's just a bunch of squiggle lines. Can you only print out two? Did he only print out two? Yeah, I just accidentally printed out two. It was three you were supposed to print out. He thought he was going to do one. Luis Paulino. He can't believe he's even got here. Career objective. Professional with over two years of work experience managing people's schedules and profits in the performing arts and retail space. Do you know what performing arts means? It means he's scheduled up to 50 poetry readings. New Eureka. Ability to transfer versatile skills into an office space. Proficient in time management. Interpersonal relationships and array of computer programs. Recent personal assistant seeking. Luis, I'm going to break you off right there for a second and say the problem is, all that sounds great, but looking at him I'm worried about him getting me my drinks. That's fair. Good point. I can't tell if you're Hispanic or not a zombie. I'm Hispanic. Okay. He's half zombie on his mother's side. Half zombie, yes. Well, that's right. You were the one you had like cerebral palsy or something. Yes. He didn't have it. He's still currently. I still have it. He didn't beat it since the video. Sir, you used to have cerebral palsy. Oh, you're the cerebral palsy guy from before. Yeah. How's that going? What are you doing now? You're a contender in the UFC? Okay. The crippled UFC. He's funny at least. I like that we completely forgot about this guy when we were thinking about having everybody boxed tonight. We would have had him box the girl. Girl versus cerebral palsy guy. Dude, what if he fucking. What if he killed her with a punch still? What if women are so fragile he still murdered her with a punch? He just fucking Apollo Creed's her nose right through her brain. I don't know. That chick looks like Stavros. This could go either way. I already got her nickname. I want to call her Nyuk. N-Y-U-C-K. It's too much to call her Nyuk, Nyuk, Nyuk. But Nyuk works. Well, it's Nyuk, Nyuk, Nyuk, but we call her Nyuk for sure. My name, Nyuk, Nyuk, Nyuk. So, all right, I'm sorry, Luis. Yeah, what would you do here? His name's not Luis. He says it right. Luis. I can get whatever you need. Drugs, alcohol. Acquire them, but not bring them to us. You're going to take a long time to get our drinks. You know, start a timer. I want you to go grab Jay three shots and a high noon. Three shots and a high noon? Wait, leave the dark cam. Leave the dark cam. No! No, no, save that. Save that for later. All right, start the timer. One thing's for sure, though. I'd like a seafood tower and a martini. Don't spill it. I'll tell you what is pretty good, though, which is nice. He can park close. Oh, that's good. No, no, definitely not the stairs. Definitely not this one. Oh, he can't do the stairs. Oh, no, dude. Oh, my God. He's crawling up the stairs. No. I need the job. I guess, Alex, put a to be continued on the screen right now. He's got to have in one of those, one of those hooks that shoots on top of a building and he'll just climb his way up. How's he going to hold those trees? It's like Cain Velasquez. We're going to see. I assume he's going to use his feet or his mouth. He's Cain and unable. Yeah. Disabled. Cain and anal. Hey. Oh, he's getting it done. He's using his handicap plaque to make him do it for him. Oh, did he? He just ordered the drinks from the girl and she's going to bring them. No, you're supposed to bring them back. I'll allow it. Oh, but if he starts walking normal, I kind of. I don't know. Kaiser Soze. Man, that bitch bring him. I just slapped her on the ass. If you guys use him, you'll get points. You'll get. You'll have a handy on your team. I still want to try the Narcan. We're going to give you the Narcan. We got to give him a name. We're going to see if this is safe. Well, if he does this, I'm going to call him Narcan. You got that right. My dad's an EMT. I'm pretty sure I saved. Your dad's an EMT? Yeah. I'll also accept crazy legs. Did he not get to you in time? No. No, he didn't. I'll tell you what. I'll tell you what. I'll also accept calling him Biff, short for Spina Bifida. I like it. I like it. What about Paul for palsy? That's also not bad. Paul is good. Paul. Paul. Paul. Panturky. Paul. Paul. All right, Paul. Are you ready to Narcan this up? Yeah, sure. Here you go, dude. Hold on. Let the waitress walk by. I don't want you to wig out on her. By the way, I just. Before you do this, I want you to know that if you die, we pick the right person to try. Try this. Who wants tequila? I mean, you didn't even order the fucking drinks. What is going on here? There's no bartender. Where'd he go? He quit? Oh. Look how he has them all wrapped around his fingers. You want to watch a palsy guy try Narcan? What do you do here? Yeah, he goes, so, sure, I'll take a high noon. Take a high noon. Thank you. Do you want silver? Silver, yeah. Ten. Jake can't take three more shots of tequila. No, I'm not taking it. That's why I said I'm going to start not to bring them. Well, you know what? You don't have to bring the next shot. That was more to say. Bring them, we'll give back to some fans. We weren't here to bring them. We got to get you saying on mic that you're like consenting to this. Yeah, you're consenting to this. I'm consenting to this. Nobody's making me do this. Say like Biggie Smalls, I'm ready to die. I don't remember that song. Okay, say, I have a free will and mind. Even though it doesn't look like I have a mind, I'm a little retarded. I still say it's a free will. No, his brain's perfect, dude. But before you squeeze it, I want you to say, Lewis, this is what you told me to do. All right, are you ready? Yeah. Oh, shit. Like a champ. Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul. Yeah. It fixed him. Backflip. Backflip, you can. Slow down. Paul, let us see if it does anything. Let's see if it wakes you up. What are you doing? Where are you going? You just did something that brings dead people to life. He's so full of energy. He's so full of energy right now. He didn't do anything. I thought that was a great way to end. He took it. It's up. It's done. Oh, yeah. The power of Christ compels me. Can I say, his instinct to do that, hit the big punch and then walk off was good instincts. Yeah. That was good instincts. Thank you. Paul, right now, as of right now, Paul is my favorite in this. I will say the challenge that we have planned for later, I think Paul's going to come and did less. Wow. Yeah, I'd say so. Good instincts. That's for you to contest this. But Paul, I think you're great so far. Wait, how do you feel? Do you feel anything? I feel energized, but I'm very. It's hard to tell. Because of the cerebral palsy, I have like mono. Like, you know. Uh-huh. Autistic. Autism phase. Are you allowed to drink on cerebral palsy? Yeah, I can drink. Take a shot, Paul. Oh, jeez. Give it up for Paul. Wow, man. Paul. Paul. Paul. Paul. Paul. Wait a minute. It says here that Paul drives Uber. Oh, sure. He's in the middle of a shift. Well, Paul, thank you very much. We're going to carefully consider your resume and thank you for being a part of this. Paul's a man, dude. What a beast. What a badass. And finally, we're going to get the stand to build a ramp. Build that ramp. Build that ramp. Build that ramp. Let's do some plugs real quick. Maybe an elevator. Because we have a lot more interns over here. We've got to get through them in a little bit. But let's do some plugs. Mark, what are you plugging, my friend? Oh, gee. Egg tight. I wasn't ready. Let's see. It's all right. When's this come out? It's tomorrow on Gas Digital, Friday on everywhere else. All right. I'm in Philly this weekend, then Wisconsin, Irvine, California, Tempe Improv, Tuesday stories, we might be drunk. Check out my special on Netflix. Done too, please. Thank you. Praise Allah. Protect our parks is out. That's right. Every week. Jay, why don't we go to you before us this time? Yeah, that's a great idea. See, Ari, you're learning. Yeah. Jay, let's hear your plugs. Oh, I touched Paul's boogers. Oh. Oh. Hey, everybody. You can catch me on episode seven of The End, Ari Shaffir's new storytelling show. Oh, yeah. But don't just get episode seven. Just buy the whole fucking thing. It's cheaper if you just get the whole fucking thing. And everybody did so great. So make sure you check that out. Of course, The Roast of Kevin Hart, if you want to watch it, it's still on Netflix. Oh, you were on that? It's still up. It's still up. It's still up. He was where we all wanted to be. He is us. He is us. I am you. Louis, he doesn't want to really go to Jamaica. Oh, no, do you? Don't let him speak for you. That's true. I did speak for her. She probably would like Jamaica. See? She didn't even know it was an option, and it is. But I want you to think about what you'll have to do and what you'll have to do while I sit there in a pool with you. Dude, every vacation I'm on, Jay's just watching me deeply kiss a girl. With his mouth wide open, going, ah. BigJayComedy.com for all my dates. The greatest Yap or Alive tour. Graphic coming soon. I'm all over it, but I never stop touring, so just fucking come see me. I'm definitely coming near you within this year. Spokane coming up very soon. Of course, we got Stanford this weekend coming up. Buffalo shortly after that. Harrisburg. to the Fantasias. Minneapolis. A theater. I'm doing a theater for the first time, everybody. Levittown. Governors, I'm coming home. Mark Ridley's cabin, Comedy Castle. I haven't been there in eight years. Great room. It's a great room. So yeah, look for me in a city near you, and of course, listen to Story Wars right here on Gas Digital and listen to The Bonfire five days a week, Faction Talk, Sirius XM, one of the best. with me and the great Robert Kelly. Did you see a rose bump? Like on tickets and all that? It's so big. I just got the waitress's number. It's been nice. It's been such a short amount of time. It's been such a short amount of time, so I can't tell if it's making the movie yet. It's been a short amount of time, and the road game I did so far was The Mother Ship, which is going to sell out. Oh, yeah, right. So, like, we'll see. I think so. I think so. I think it'll happen. I hope so. It was fun, man. It was so scary and then so cool. You killed. Killed. Ari, you wrote your own jokes. Yeah. What? Yeah. That's unheard of. All right. Me and Naeem. I was going to make sure I showed Naeem Lin. Also, me and him are the only ones who wrote our own jokes. Nice. Good, Ari. Hopefully, Ari doesn't write his own. I'm not even invited to use other people's. Or give yours to them. Yeah. Stay away from my guy. I have a television show out right now starring a bunch of people from this podcast right now. It's called The End, everybody. The End. Mark Norman is in an episode called, Jay's is an episode called Four Stories About Trying to Come. Mark's in an episode called Heroes with me and Duncan Trussell. Oh, yeah. Yeah, go get it right now at arishafir.com. Also, I'm doing it live. I got a side project called You Be Trippin'. It's a podcast. Yeah. I'm going to do it again soon, right? I'm doing a live one. I'm doing it again soon. You are doing it again soon. Absolutely. Doing a live one. Brooklyn Improv on July, on June 10th. It's an Oktoberfest episode, so wear your best Lederhosen. Oh, right. There's a fucking improv in Brooklyn now. Yeah. Yeah, and that's something. It's a good room. You've been there. Oh, is that it? Yeah, that's it. Lewis, go ahead. All right, come see me on the road. The Rattle Me This Tour coming somewhere. You guys pulling it up? Yeah. A couple things coming up soon. We have Springfield, Missouri is coming up in just a couple weeks. June 5th. Tulsa, Oklahoma. I'm on June 6th. Bricktown Comedy Club, Oklahoma City on June 7th. Then I'm in Rosemont, Illinois, Chicago. La Jolla, California is coming up. Baltimore and more. Yeah, very excited. Also, we're doing a live Story Wars at Mohegan Sun on August 6th. Thursday, August 6th is going to be a blast, so come out to that. Story Wars in the New England area at a casino, which is always fun. One of your stories should be about white men stealing your land. I like that. Give me an instance where a white man has stolen your land. Are you part of the festival? What? No, we're not. We're not doing it. So, don't go to that. And, yeah, come check out all the other pods. I do Story Wars, Real Ass Podcast, The Regs, all here on Gas Digital. Subscribe to Gas Digital. If you love the show, we do a bonus Friday night show. Just the three of us talking shit. One of the best times. We don't hold back on that one. We really don't hold back on that one. That one is pretty hardcore. And we have the entire On Demand library. Everything is uncensored and ad-free. You guys should know that, like, YouTube, we have to censor everything. We have to put a bunch of ads up. So, if you guys want to enjoy the show. With the blur out ethnic people. With the blur. They can't be associated with it in any way. It's bullying to show them on this podcast. We're bullying. Go to GasDigital.com and use the promo code LOS. You save a couple bucks a month. It supports the show directly. And you know what? You still get Skank Fest. You get Skank Fest happening November 13th through 15th. The biggest and best one we've ever done in Mark's hometown, New Orleans. It's our 10th anniversary. Ari Shafir is going to be there. We're going to be there. You've locked in Mark every year you do New Orleans. Mark's been to every Skank Fest in the history of it. I know, but I also love that Mark is excited because it's New Orleans. And then when he goes, doesn't see us. Did you not see your family last night? No. You didn't tell me we're there for a half hour. I didn't tell him anything. That's so funny. Am I right about that? Yeah, 100%. I was like, did your family come out to the show? He's like, I didn't even tell them I was here. I don't want to answer all those questions. Lineup is fucking the biggest one we've ever done. Obviously, all of us. Shane Gillis. We're doing the Joe List roast on Friday night, which is incredible. The roast of Joe List is going to be there. Bobby Kelly and Dan Soder and Eric Andre is coming this year. Christina P is coming this year. A bunch of people that have never been there before. 180 comedians, three full days of festivities, comedy, podcasts, fights, music, everything you guys want. ScandicFest.com. Shout out to Yoke Kratom for making it all possible. Hell yeah. I think we all know that all things are possible through Yoke Kratom. It's true. All right, let's get another one of these fucking wacky interns over here. I say let's bring up Nyuk. Nyuk? Oh, shit. Uncle Fester. Fester? Aunt Fester. Aunt Fester. Aunt Fester's great. Fester's really solid. Oh, there she is. When she started running, I saw your drink kind of like show bubbles. Hey, get in here. What's up, girl? Now, please tell me you don't have a terrible disease and you've just decided you'll fuck whoever fucks you. I am dying in three. No, I have a thing. It's called PCOS. It's a hormonal thing, so I'm like balding. You're a piece of shit. I'm a piece of shit disease. Clinically, you're a piece of shit. You're here. You're a diagnosed piece of shit? Medically, yes. She gets to go off on people in traffic. She's like, I've been diagnosed. I get to cut you off and just act like I didn't know it was a turn lane until the end. Sorry. Hold on, wait. You're bald because you have PCOS? Yeah. It's like a hormonal imbalance. I have high testosterone. You have high testosterone? Yeah, high T. Can I use your blood for body brain coffee? Hell yeah. No, that's why I have it. I drink too much. Oh, hello, new cherry creamer. We're going to use her fucking pussy juice for the creamer. No, but it works for you. The bald, luckily you have a very pretty face. Thank you. You could probably get to the gym a couple times, but that's okay. No, dude. So when I work out too hard, my cortisol spikes and it makes my body gain weight because it thinks it's going into a famine. That's a natural thing. So I guess you've been working out anyway. Man, by the way, have I been there a thousand times? He goes, doctor says I can't die. Sorry, I can't. But yeah, that's very true. You do. You're pulling off bald. But you do have a pretty face, which is like. Nice eyeballs. Huge clit. Seriously. How do you know? Monster clit? Actually, it's a regular clit. That's one of the questions on the thing. Yeah, I know. I figured. I studied. Do you have a monster clit? I couldn't find it. Let me see your resume. I only made one. My bad. She only printed out one. We did specifically say three, right? No. Alex and Jim, did you guys say three? No? Oh, you guys are super pieces of shit? Oh, never mind. All right. And it's like my actual production assistant resume. I've been saying, by the way, these guys are undiagnosed pieces of shit. I have a doctor. I know a guy. All right. So let's see. Objective, detail-oriented, and reliable production assistant with hands-on. All right, Slut. Experience. Mouth on, too. Supporting. Bottomless throat. What does that matter? What the fuck does that even matter? I don't have the time of hair back. Willing and able to suck and fuck everyone in the room. Anal question mark. Pain is life. What? Get squirt with high accuracy. And that's in special for skills. Oh, if Dave was here, he'd be furious at us right now. Talking to a girl? Yeah, dude. He hates talking to a girl. I am a communist, too. Let's see. Experience supporting set operations, logistics, and team coordination. She could be a stat fag. I've got to be honest with you. Passionate about fast-paced environments and ready to contribute to creative and technical production workflows. That's a good fucking objective. Right there. Here's one. Created flyers with Adobe Photoshop. And a monster clit? I say she's through. Oh, yeah. Her skills are set preparation and breakdown. Pretty good. Team coordination, logistics, and route planning. Route. That's the dog walking stuff. Route. Route. Route. Route? Route planning. Is it route or route? Route. It's route. There would be route. Route. Forklift operation. We don't need that. I don't know. It's a fun one to add in. No. That was fun. You're also good at regular fork operation, too. Now I want to call her Flintstone. I don't even know why. It's not necessarily what it is, but I want to call her Flintstone. I'm thinking Fupa Troopa. She's not going to need the forklift until she dies. We've got to get her out of the house. She lifts her fork too much. That's all that means. Customer communication and attention to detail. All right. Let's see. She has her forklifting license. Besides Gas Digital Podcasts, what other podcasts do you listen to? Oh, I actually don't. I listen to music a lot. I don't listen to a lot of podcasts. I like watching live podcasts because I get distracted. Yeah. So I mostly just listen to music. I don't really listen to podcasts. Okay. Name five songs. Name five songs? Oh, my God. People Equal Shit. That played earlier. Chop Suey, System of a Down. I don't know. Bazooka by a band. She's naming types of gum. Chop Suey. All the stuff she's thinking about right now. Medium Rare Rib Eye. Cake. Cake is her favorite band. Blue Cheese, Please. That's three songs. Come on. Oh, fuck. Bazooka by. I already said that one. Fuck. No. This is harder than when it's right on the thing. You don't even have to name the artist. I know. I'm thinking of In the Morning and Amazing by Circus Survive. Fucking. The Distance Between, the band 68. Yeah, she did it. Good record. Good record for that. Blew the other guy out of the water. It's really hard to do on the spot. Just so you know, in play was the ABCs. The struggle people are having with this. Okay. Let's see. What would people who know you say is the most annoying thing about you? I'm a moody bitch. What'd you say? I'm moody. You're moody. Yeah. I can get real angry. real sad real quick but not for like dumb stuff for like stuff that doesn't matter really you know I don't know what do you get what's the last time you got the last thing you got sad about that you can remember like a bad set or something oh you're a stand up comic yeah I am I didn't say that but I said it after I took off the wig I know to erase everything I hold that against her that's fair we don't to be honest we really don't love stand up comedians have you ever said have you ever said a sentence to a person while a weenie was in your mouth stand up some guy did have me say jokes to him while we were fucking whoa yeah dick in your mouth no I was on top of him but you were like oh my god I almost died you were like did it go well she was so fat and he was like how fat was she she was so fat and he was and he was and he was I got so wet from my own jokes Sinead Obama I love that that's why he's the best folks yeah I have any more questions I like her she's sweet being a comic though I want people that want to work in production not that people want to be in front of the camera be the star of the spotlight that was Jake's problem is he wanted to fucking be like a podcaster and comedian no his problem was his feet oh let me see your feet oh really I'm only doing this to the girls well you can't show us your monster clip but I like dog yeah I mean I'd rather can I ask you can I show a tit instead I like one of these questions yes the answer is yes one shit oh no I'd set myself up my mom would get mad at me I can't my mom what about your dad that was a trick question you don't know your dad we'll just assume one of the tits looks like your head they do they're matching the carpets match the drapes shaved have you been with a woman yeah oh I'm bi obviously oh okay there you go yeah I got a question I got a question you see Lewis with a woman he used to date who he has said over and over again he'll never get back together with him in any way and you see him with that woman do you tell any of us ooh I feel like that's none of my business that's a good answer also a song no does not start it doesn't really make good for the show but okay hold on if you're here who's at the front of the show okay I thought I aborted you oh my god it really does look like her baby yeah but Kensington zombie baby is too long of a nickname Nyuk really slaps Nyuk alright Nyuk is big one more time for Nyuk she's great great energy solid Nyuk and Nyuki solid Nyuk Nyuk it's short for it's short for Nyuki she left her diet coke thought about coming back and then bailed it's mine Nyuki cheese oh you fucking fag are you up to something off the sauce yeah I'm off the sauce off everything for the time being it wasn't this weekend in Austin god damn it oh Austin well you gotta go for it got very drunk last night any highlights yeah besides Jay's hair yeah dude we went to the we got burgers I was stone sober you were stone sober yeah I was problem drunk you handled yourself pretty well yeah my highlight was when I was online to get burritos with Tom at the end of the night well here's what happened first Shane was like come meet us at this bar and we're like alright we'll go so we snuck off and went to go meet Shane at the bar we get there Shane left and they wouldn't let us in the bar and it made me furious well first you said to me you wanna go meet Shane at a bar and I was like no yeah and you went with Tom I went with Tom yeah yeah to yeah the bar the Betty the bar they all hang out oh I hate that I gotta be honest with you I gotta be honest with you it's just so I went one night me too it's not my job it's not the scene and Tony's always like come to the Betty but they all blow it over there the guy just brings over two girls in party dress he goes ladies this is so and so and so and they're almost like charmed I'm sure and you're like what's happening here I have to go so here's the thing out in the regular area it really sucks because it's just the bar's beautiful it's not that the bar sucks that type of bar it's not a bar it's a club I would never go to a place where it's like hot people with bottle service that's just not it's a club it's not a bar and they're 21 yes can I ask you a question I've never heard it referred to as a party dress before really yeah what's a party dress oh you're so Jewish so there's they don't have a lot of party dresses in fucking rabbinical school there's a speakeasy area that like all the comics hang out and it's away from everybody right so I try to go into that area and I'm like I was like yeah we're supposed to meet Shane and he was like the bouncer's like nah and I'm like but no he told us to come what are you talking about he's like no and then he wouldn't let us in and then finally I was like dude is Shane back there or not he was like no he left and I was like why are the why the fuck would Shane have me come here to be turned away from a fucking bar oh it made me angry oh it made me fucking angry did you text Shane and go what the fuck yeah and the next day he texted me dude I was really drunk I'm sorry he really is the funniest guy he was there and said Shane said don't let him in no no he was gone oh yeah he said come meet me and then left that's instantly it's infuriating and then by the way Hal Gray's just to go I was drunk I don't even remember that yeah but being turned away like I just I'm like I don't even want to be here right and I'm being turned away right I just never felt so sir not in that t-shirt you're not getting in no I know I know famous people get the fuck out of here you're freaking out the hot chicks so I feel like a fucking troll there then we go back to people watch we go to 6th street we're like let's just try to see like a fight or like you know girls titties or whatever and or pussies so I I go online to get a burrito from the food truck and yeah like these four like chubby like I think like half Latina chicks come up behind me and they're like hey do you want to buy us tacos and I'm like no I'm not buying you guys tacos I want to have sex with you but I do not want to buy you tacos so then the one girl starts chatting me up and she's cute enough but she's chubby so I was like I was like I was like wait I was like wait a minute how old are you that's a sign of wealth in Mexico yeah I go how old are you and she goes 23 and I was like get out 23 because she looks younger than 23 she goes oh why just because I'm a grandmother so oh I go okay so you judge grandmothers now alright so I was like alright if you if you show me ID this is your 23 I'll buy you I'll buy you a taco so she pulls out her phone she's like I have a picture of my ID I was like this is weird that's what liars do this is a fucking lie already not not even an excuse just here this will do yeah yeah so then I was like fine anyway she's 14 Louis fucked her next story let's bring the next intern on you got two witnesses next intern next intern so I I was like alright fine I'll buy I was like I'll buy I'll buy you a taco she's like how about a burrito I was like I was like you really are fat and then and then I started talking to her and then I was like this girl's definitely why not do burritos this girl's definitely 18 years old thank you my friends also want burritos and hey Po good job thanks Po that was it he should intern that guy he is he's trying you know what fuck it Po come on let's fucking get to know Po can I say something I'll buy it but if he's willing to walk around with a candle as he walks around everywhere he goes I'll just say he's on the next round this means nothing to me do you want to get me drinks while holding a fucking candelabra oh my god my eyes are so bad you what a small font dude crazy small this is a this is by the way this is a fucking fantastic resume double-sided damn this is good paper too saved on paper nice thick stock talk on the microphone Po thank you I'll give it another go okay wow he's won awards one of the awards Jay he's won a one show pencil bronze award in 2016 and the PAX East writer's choice award of 2020 he's been an art director a production coordinator and art director a producer and art director production manager he went into he went to he got a bachelor of fine arts every job says art director art director this is all of them art director art director skills art direction hell yeah well he's done it a lot I believe him what does an art director do so we I don't know oversee creative production when it comes to videography graphic design production management you know an art director basically makes sure the brand and the idea comes to life in a good way what a good answer for that question what would you what would you change about what we're doing here at the Legion of Skanks oh nothing you guys first of all are doing a fucking amazing job wow well we need help no no no the next step is a feature film a feature film beyond Joe's doc is going to be fucking amazing I'm talking about great news we've already wrote the script really two Jews one cuck damn dude that means you have to be the cuck oh no I'm the cuck I'm Jewish oh no well Dave left he worked he worked in Lincoln Center in a production that's where Lincoln Park lives according to Jay no Lincoln Park fuck you dude it's near Lincoln Center it's in Lincoln he's also done some out direction if you mention that at all why do you have what's your name Poe Barnabas or Sebastian that's what we've called him Edgar Allen Poe we do like Sebastian's a great name for him but I think it's Poe I think Poe works best yeah Poe does work best are you wearing eye makeup Poe those are your natural eyes yes the use of the prettiest eyes thank you he looks like he literally looks like Edgar Allen Poe yeah whoa yeah he's got - Yeah, I hope. I hope you go the same way. He looks like he's been buried inside of a wall drinking booze. Alright, let's see. Which intern out of everybody you've met so far do you like least based on first impressions? You have to pick one. First impressions probably was that guy you threw out earlier. Oh, good. Smart fucking answer. Hold on. I didn't like that guy either. Next. Can I be honest? No, the next least. The next least. By the way, as soon as you said it, I was like, I would say the guy was already booed. He yelled at us earlier. It was very strange. Did he really? Why did he yell at you? I don't know. He all of a sudden yells at full volume and goes, Hey, what's your name? And we're like, yo, we thought he was part of the team already. We didn't realize he was a contestant. Yeah, we hated him. Yeah, we did too. Did you guys all hate that guy? Yeah. They all hated him. Everyone hated him. He was weird. He was weird. It was a lot. Out of somebody who's left, who's your least favorite? Nice comeback, Lewis. I don't want to be that guy, but I have had no interaction with our gentleman with the mustache, with the white shirt. That is a woman. She's bald. You're an asshole. I'm sorry. I barely noticed your mustache. She has some sort of a problem. She's wonderful. It's the gentleman two over. That's just the only gentleman I haven't spoke to this evening. This guy with the mustache. That's no irk on him. He's saying he likes everybody he meets. He just hasn't met this one yet. I just haven't met that man. He's another good answer. Very diplomatic. Very diplomatic answer. Can I say what I like about Paul is he's shown up every week for the past month or so. He's always willing to jump up and do something. He's one of the ones that are really taking the initiative so far. So, Paul, I hope you go through to the next round because, to be honest with you, any one of you could lose the challenge that we have. And I'm telling you right now, so will Paul. He's definitely losing the challenge. There's no way so will Paul. And I feel bad. He does have popular vote, though. Yeah. I thought we advanced him if he did that Narcan. He did take Narcan. Oh, wait. I did say we would advance him to Narcan. I said that, right? The Narcan was big. Sorry, Paul. You're through the next round, my friend. Yeah. And, by the way, when you hear this challenge. That guy's still alive? Wow. They did a Hollywood reporter. He died in between when they found out about him and when they joked about him. Yo, Nyuk, grab me a Diet Coke. Have you ever used? Hey, she's moving. Yeah. Yeah. I felt it. I believe in her. Yeah. Look at that juggernaut. The water's rippling. Yeah. We're so mean. She's not even that big. She's not. Nope. She's pretty cute. She's pretty. Especially for a chick with piece of shit disease. Yeah. Yeah. She's riddled with piece of shit. Thank you. There you go. Yeah. There you go. Yeah. There you go. There you go. There you go. Yep. There you go. Thank you so much. You earned it. Thank you. You earned that applause. That's all for you. No, you're doing the Lord's work. Those jeans are really hanging in there. Husky. Yeah, husky. Jump in. Husky. All right, Poe, last question I'll ask you and be honest about this. And we're going to, by the way, lie detector test is coming up in the future. We're going to make you guys fist fight each other at one point. There's so much fun stuff happening during this Spring Turn Olympics. I'm very, very excited. Yeah, Poe, Poe. We're going to cut each other to see if you're willing to bleed for the show. He's already circumcised. He doesn't bleed. He's out. He's done with that for years. I'm Jewish. Yeah, this guy's out of blood. He can't walk into a church either. Poe, have you ever. There he is. Look at that. There he is. Come on, dude. Side by side. Will you grow that little stache? Of course. Do it. All right. Poe, have you ever used the N-word? No. Never? No. Wait, what was the pause at the end of the last no? The only. It was like that. The only time I used the N-word. Oh, the only time you used the N-word? Hold on. Security? Yeah. Just want you to make sure you're listening. Keep in mind, there's a gigantic black guy listening. He'll use it during a song, but only if he's listening to Michael Jackson. First of all, I grew up in Detroit as a very transparent white Jewish boy, as you see. Sure. So that would be. Wait, wait. Hold on, hold on, hold on. So let's say you're listening to whoever. The Beatles. The Beatles, okay. Paul McCartney's playing. He's watching and he's playing one of your favorite songs, and there's all these black guys that are kind of bumping you. You're saying that's when you used it. No. I like this Poe. I like Poe a lot. Guys, one more time. Give it up for Poe, guys. Give it up for Poe. Thank you, Poe. Thank you, Poe. Poe money, Poe money, Poe money. Poe rules. Poe's been here every week. Poe's great. He's a good, normal kid, although it's a lot of Semitic around. Let's take a quick moment to thank Body Brain Coffee for supporting the show. You can mix it with hot water, cold water, put it in a protein shake- And now spit. It's been tested. You can just chug it into your throat, which is psychotic. It's not just regular coffee. It's Colombian freeze-dried coffee that's blended with entropics and adaptogens that genuinely make a difference. Tongkat Ali has been linked to testosterone support, so if you're a little bit older like me and you're worried about your testosterone, this is a great coffee for you. It's free of Colombian drugs. It's also got ashwagandha, which helps your mood. It has lion's mane mushrooms, which is great for your brain function and memory, plus L-theanine, so if you get jittery from coffee, it will smoothen. It will smooth the entire experience out. And I want to say, not only do we have the coffee, but Ari, we just launched the brand new Body Brain Creamer, which is in presale right now. Why would you lie about that? If you don't have it, why would you lie about it? No, we have it right now. You have it? You're not lying? I have it. If I research it, will I find it to be true? Yeah. Okay, we'll see. Go right now to bodybraincoffee.com. If you go there, and before June 1st, you can order the creamer in presale, shipping in mid-June. You're going to get 25% off, no promo code needed. The creamer's fucking incredible. It's got seed, MCT, coconut milk powder, cordyceps mushrooms, collagen peptides, and rhodiola rosea, which is fucking incredible. How does it taste? It makes me feel so sure. It tastes incredible. It's like coconutty, creamy, amazing, slightly sweet creamer, but no sugar. It's keto-friendly. It's really incredible. Can you put it straight into your mouth? You can actually pour the creamer directly into your mouth. The coffee, you're not supposed to, but the creamer, you can literally just scoop into your mouth, put it in your oatmeal, in a protein shake, your coffee. If you don't want to have Body Brain Coffee, you want to put it in your regular coffee, you can do that as well. Go to bodybraincoffee.com right now. If you want to save on the coffee, use the promo code LOS20, you're going to save 20% on the coffee. But if you order the creamer in presale, you're getting 25% off. No promo code. Need them? Get them together. Bodybraincoffee.com. All right. Let's talk about Brunt Workwear for a second. How great is Brunt Workwear? It's all I wear anymore, guys. If I'm wearing boots, I'm only wearing Brunt Workwear. Best boots in the game. They're super comfortable. If you're on a job site, that's great. I don't do a job site. I just want to look cool in Puerto Rican, so I have dope-ass work boots from Brunt Workwear that feel like an old pair of sneakers. That's what you want. You want to play the part of someone who works hard. Yes. I have the softest hands in comedy, and I wear them. You do. Yeah. I'm a poser. Dude, I have the Brunt Workwear hoodie. They have great work pants as well, which are really cool, weather-resistant jackets. No matter what your job demands, Brunt has you literally and figuratively covered. You don't need to overpay for workwear that doesn't last. Brunt is offering Legion of Saints fans a huge way to save on their starter kit. Right now, bundle up their top boots and work pants for 10% off by going to bruntworkwear.com/legion. Guys, you're going to hire a bunch of Latinos to work on your site. You want to be among them. You want to be a man of the people. Brunt Workwear will help you sell that lie. That's true. In fact, if you work for ICE, these boots would be really comfortable to round up Mexicans in, I think. Well, yeah. It's for multiple purposes. Yeah. Use that code LEGION at checkout for another $10 off. Bruntworkwear.com/legion, 10% off their combo. They're bundled with the work boots and pants, plus an extra $10 off with the code LEGION. This is top-tier gear for an incredible price, and they have a risk-free trial, so if you don't like them, you send them back. There's no reason not to give them a shot. Brunt Workwear. All right. Where were we? Let's go with Mustache Guy. He's Zionist. Mustache Guy. Let's go. We have one, two. What do we have? Three more? I think we have three more interviews. What are the interviews? Yeah. Hey, there he is. All right. Cobra Kai. That's a good name. Who hates this guy? Damn, dude. Call him Johnny Lawrence. Did you come from a show on Cartoon Network? No. I loved it growing up. He came here from hanging a fat kid in a locker by his underwear. Yeah. This is Tyler Lozier. I do like calling him Loser. It's very close to his last name. Yeah. All right. Loosier. I get that one a lot. Lozier. Face. Face? Oh. All right. Whoa. Isn't it fucking fun? It's very good. I can't believe we forgot about that. All right. There you go. Have some dignity. You're out of the contest. Tyler's phone number is 908-591. Oh. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. You do have highway patrol face. I do. Yeah. I get that a lot. Doesn't he feel like he'd pull you over with that mustache? Yeah. You're choosing the mustache, which definitely gives you an authoritative look. Do you live in Harlem or something? No. Williamsburg. Williamsburg? Williamsburg. Yeah. Williamsburg? They don't like this show in Williamsburg. No. No. No. I don't fit in very well at all. Would you think people would say, just by looking at you, that you're gay? I actually do get hit on by gay people a lot at bars and stuff. What do you do? I suck them off. No. Take the compliments. It's the best. I love getting hit on by gay guys. It's fun. It is nice. Absolutely, dude. No, he's saying, what do you do to get the attention from them? Oh, what do I do? Yeah. I don't look handsome, I guess. I don't. Hell yeah, dude. I like this guy. This guy's got fucking a bunch of chest hickeys from gay guys buying him drinks. So you're currently a fitness coach? Yes. Yeah. Personal trainer. That's not bad. He's a personal trainer. Lewis loves that. Yeah. Let's take advantage of that. Yeah. Lewis will punch you in the face if you want. Do you not know what a personal trainer does? It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. Maybe. That's what you do. That's not true. I only make Harrington come. Yeah. Sexually. Do you fight? I could. I used to locker box. I played hockey growing up. We'd all put on the gloves and the helmets and fight each other. Okay. Not as cool as a real fight, but, you know. Yo, he's not afraid of you, pussy. Damn, dude, that's crazy how not afraid of you he is. He just mouthed out, come at me. Honest to God, dude, this guy would probably beat the shit. Thank God you're fighting somebody else at Skank Fest, because this guy would fuck you up. I'd be worried about that. Do you want somebody looming around every week that could definitely beat the shit out of you? I'm asking. I think that's a good question. Do you want somebody looming around every week that if you get out of line, if you decide you want to run your fucking mouth hole too much, this guy might fucking chop you down. Lewis, when he's done with you, do you think he'll be a pulp or a bloody pulp? Will he beat you to a pulp or will he beat you to a bloody pulp? What do you think of those two options they would be? By the way, locker box sounds like the bald chick's vagina. I'm calling DraftKings right now, and I'm throwing that on bloody pulp. Next question. Do you want to fucking go? Oh, shit! By the way, he means kiss. Do you want to kiss him or not? Just tell him already. Do you want to go to Jamaica? He's asking you. What do you feel about villas? Other jobs were marketing specialist, freelance content specialist, communication specialist. You're a specialist in marketing. You're like 23 years old, sir. Let's call you specialist. 29. Yeah, but you have all these specialist jobs, and then you became a dumbass personal trainer. What happened? You were like a fucking CIA agent. He likes fucking old fat bitches. Yeah, I don't do good in offices. I like the health insurance, and I wanted to have a good job. Have you ever fucked a client? No. People always ask that, but they're seeing me for a reason, so it's not always the best people you want to fuck. Also, if I went to a gym, and they were like, we're going to be a personal trainer, and then this, this fucking dweeb showed up. He goes, are you ready to fucking pump it up or what? I'd be furious. A personal trainer, you want to be like fucking jacked. Schwarzenegger wouldn't quit here. Well, most of my clients are gay men, so you just flirt with them, and it works out nice. That's it. This guy's leaving. He's sick of you, dude. Fuck you. Your homophobia is noted, sir. All right, so besides Gaston's little podcast, what podcasts do you listen to? I love the Tim Dillon Show. Lemon Party. Another gay guy. Can't stop talking about the gays. It's not helping the cause. It's not helping the argument. Right? I like Lemon Party with Ben Avery. Love Ben. Love Ben. He's the man. Hate Watch with Devin Costa. Okay, all right. And I like Dan Soder's podcast, too. Soder? Yeah. You're not getting any points for Jay. It's a good podcast. He betrayed Jay. It's called Half Bonfire. Oh, I do. Yes, my friend put me on a bonfire. I do love bonfire. He told me he wanted to stop broadcasting. He does a podcast. He's got two podcasts now. He's two? The Regs. The Regs. Oh, jeez. Yeah, you're right. This guy's busy broadcasting. Somebody told me after a show the other day, they're like, dude, I listen to the Regs every day. I was like, we do the Regs once every other week. How is it possible that you listen to it every day? Good point. All right, so if we called your best friend, wait, what's it? Do you have a nickname for him yet? No. I think Bloody Pulp was being thrown around before. You don't make up your own fucking nickname, cocksucker. I like it. I like it. Alex, you're a Rick and Morty genius. What's the guy's name? The guy in the post-apocalyptic episode. Yeah, where he said this last time. Yeah, where he took his fucking helmet off. What was the name? Pull him up. Come on, Alex. That's who he looks like? Yeah, he looks just like him. When he took his helmet off. He kind of looks like Ken Jennings. I know what you're talking about. Yeah. Like in a vice. Yeah. Who's the character? Okay, this is going to happen. Is it Hemorrhage? I think it's. Maybe. It might be Hemorrhage. Hey, that's a good name. Is it Hemorrhage? Pull up a picture of him. He looks like him. Hemorrhage. Perfect. Hemorrhage. Hemorrhage. Hemorrhage. Hemorrhage. Hemorrhage. It looks like something you'd pay to get done based on your picture. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's great. You ever saw it? Make me into a Rick and Morty. He's a post-apocalyptic character that wore like a helmet and he took his helmet off and that's what's underneath. And she was like, okay, weird. He was like, is it the mustache? She's like, yeah, I just kind of feel like it's weird that you have a mustache. A light mustache. Under a helmet all the time. That's why he has tan line on his head. Yeah. Oh. So, all right, Hemorrhage. If we called your best friend, what would they warn us about before we hire you? You're on the registry? Skip past these actually again. I'm a real anxious guy. I get real shy and stuff. That's why I didn't meet the other guy. I was just sitting in the corner. I was a little scared. Yeah, I can tell you're nervous now. You're shaking your legs a little bit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's okay. I would guess they're concerned would be how close this place is to a school. Have you ever done gay stuff? I haven't actually, no. Nothing gay? What's the gayest thing you've done? Shave that mustache. I fucked in the same room as my roommate in college. We both fucked girls in different beds, same room. Hemorrhage, Hemorrhage. Do you understand that that's difficult to believe? What part of it's difficult to believe? That you've never done gay stuff? Yeah, I understand that. That's the gayest thing you've ever done? I think so, yeah. You've never gotten free food for showing a gay guy your dick? No, but I might try after this. You've never high-fived and let it stick a little bit? No, no, no, no, nothing. You never hugged a Santa Claus, got a boner? No, you can get the lie detector out. That is probably, yeah, nothing. You never fucking kissed a guy after he sucked your dick? I just shoot it back in my mouth. I love it. I love it so much. Please, please. You never felched a guy after he sucked your dick and then you took your cum back in your mouth and then spit your cum back in his asshole and then he farted it back into your asshole? And then you farted it back in his mouth and then he spit it back into your mouth? I know what felching is. I just haven't done it. Lewis, you grab his dick. We'll show him where he's asshole and see if it moves. I like that. Can I feel your cock? Sure. That is the litmus test. He is squeezing it. He's really getting a sense. You got mostly balls there, actually. Well, it's not that impressive. It was mostly balls. You had one hand on the ball. Well, dude, get a boner and show back up. All right, one more time for Hemorrhage, guys. Give him some love. Hemorrhage. Hemorrhage in the house. Yeah, Hemmy. We also, we're going to need nine of these filled with water. Alex, nine glasses full of water. Thank you. Are you getting them? Where are you going? He's going to go pee. It's Ari. He's an older gentleman. When I used to pee, it was doing cocaine. Are you guys leaving? You're leaving? Fuck you, buddy. What are they doing? Oh, they're going to get nine glasses full of water. Thank you. Good job. Look at Poe. I think that girl's ovulating a ceiling and I think it'd do it. They're trying to conceive. Black guy, you're up next. Yeah! There we go. By the way, there is something funny about never stop calling him black guy. I mean, he has. If he wins and we just go black guy, we. I mean, this is literally the most black name I've ever heard. Go on. Crenshaw White. Wow! Honestly, God, I don't want to change the name at all because I'm pretty sure I'm pretty sure he will become bigger than this podcast. Crenshaw White. Crenshaw White is going to be a humongous internet celebrity. Yeah. Wow. Wow. That's amazing. That's up there with Thurgood Marshall. You should get Frederick Douglass hair. He's a cousin. Crenshaw White. That is. That's great. Your resume is handwritten as well, which is fine. Oh, yeah. Diabetic? Not yet. But we're working on it. But a grandfather of three. Crenshaw, are you a comedian? I am. You are a comedian, yeah. I can tell. I can tell. Whatever is your. Just very quickly. I don't mind that. No, look. It doesn't discount you. I'm just saying we're not always looking for a comedian. Oh! That was a white drive-by. You don't happen to be a nurse, do you? No, no. Social worker, but not a nurse. Well, you wouldn't remove a child from a home if it lived with that, right? Probably so. That was me being social. That's dangerous. So his resume goes 2006 to 2008. He was a party promoter. Secured venues, distributed promotional tools. 2014 to 2018, event photography. He took and edited photos. 2017 to 2017, camera operations, part of a megachurch media team. Ooh! Video service for live streaming. That only lasted a year. Why did that only last a year? It was just like a volunteer thing and it just kind of stopped going. Let me tell you something real quick. Jesus never stops going for you. True that. All things are possible through Christ. 2019-2020 co-hosted a weekly radio show for Pratt University College Radio. Yeah. Okay, that's some broadcasting. Radio's right. And then 2021-2023 ran a bi-weekly live show, secured a venue, acquired talent, distributed promotional materials. It's a stand-up show? Yeah. Great. And you've been doing nothing for the past three years? No, I'm a social worker so that's the day job. You're talking about bringing a bunch of kids out of an abusive household? Sad as shit. So you deal with like kids? Yeah. What's the closest thing you've seen to Precious? Looking in the mirror? There's some fucked up things. You're in New York, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So there's some fucked up shit you see. No, definitely. What's the most fucked up situation you've had to pull somebody out of? So I do like counseling with them and so if they, so I do like family and individualism. individual counseling, but a lot of domestic violence and stuff, kids seeing violence. Do you have to go to the husband and be like, I get it. But society hasn't caught up to the swift justice that needs to be happening in households. The laws haven't caught up to the swift justice that needs to be delivered to a woman to make sure that she does what she's supposed to do. If Chubb the Builder were here right now, and he was on camera calling you the N-word, what would you do? What would you do? Shit, no actual You would take a dump. Take a dump? Probably, that'd be good. Crenshaw, I have a better question. How many times have you gotten Nyuck pregnant? One night. I don't know, at least twice. Hell yeah. I like big women. Crenshaw and Nyuck look like Spy vs. Spy. Hey, Nyuck, great news. Alright, this is a good question. If you had to get rid of one of the producers, Alex or G-Mike, who would you get rid of and why? I would just say Alex because she's a woman. That is the right answer. There was one answer, and that was the actual right answer. Even Alex has to respect the answer. Even Alex respects the answer. She listens to this show. She knows her place. I mean, unless you guys have any more questions for Crenshaw. Crenshaw's great. Everyone's been great except for fucking that weird Bob Lazar guy. When he came back and I was putting him back on the show and he sat down, I was like, I don't like this guy. I really had a childlike. I don't want to be with him anymore. I don't want him to be here anymore. He's too aggressive. I like him better and I'm racist. Pretty amazing. One more time for Crenshaw. Give him some love, Crenshaw. Oh, you're good. There you go. Are you guys writing the names down? Are you guys writing the names down, by the way? Thank you. Louis, slide over a little bit. One more. We have one more. He was sick. Sickle cell. All right. No longer a death sentence. All right. Here we go. Oh, this is the. Holy shit. There we go. Anyone else hard? I love you on Euphoria. Here we go. You didn't catch talking to the mic. So I brought an album for Jay. Is that the Event Sevenfold? Fuck, dude. No, it's I Wished by Ski-Lo. Classic. Also, I know you like basketball, so I painted you a ball. I do. I painted you a basketball. You? Actually. You painted me a cat. A little cat bug for you. She's a fucking artist, dude. Show some respect. You remind me of a beautiful sunset, Mark. So here you go. Come and go quick. You get all my demons. Oh, nice. Because you're a dirty Jew. Yeah. Give back Gaza. I mean, these paintings are. They're horrifying, and I really mean this. Yeah, they come from the heart. You're welcome. No, they are definitely the art of a twisted mind who's up in the middle of the night. No, I'm okay. Whoa, spooky. No, that's Crenshaw. Wait, wait, wait. Wait, can you sit in the middle? Show me this. That's Zac and Miku in the middle. This is certainly the artwork of someone who's going to kill their parents eventually, but. I like the energy. So you have no resume, though, so you didn't listen to the. I didn't have time, truly. What were you doing? I had doubles. What do you do? I'm a festival worker. You're a festival worker? Yeah, food vendor is the correct term. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I sell food. Oh, yeah, we have a festival. That works out. It's true. At Skank Fest, if you can eat tacos, I got you. Really? You put your post up? Well, they're man-made tacos, but. Come on, folks. So we got to give her a name. Wait, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. Lewis. What? I'll be here for a second. Good. Hey, if you need tacos, I can help you. Oh, your post up? Damn, nothing seems. I can win. I really thought I deserved more, yeah. We got to give her a name. Jay? Michael. Michael. Steve. Craig. Everyone, the lovely and vivacious Craig. Oh, fuck. Craig is a great name for you. Yeah. Fucking sexy Douglas. All right. What was your given name? It's offensive to ask that. I'm very. You can't dead name her, you fucking. Oh, Dustin. Wow. Dustin. Dustin. Most of my friends call me Dustin. Dustin off that cock. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So they call you Dusty. Dusty, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Okay. Your masculinity was dust in the wind. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Also a song, dumbass. Clock it. Clock it. I love it. Also a song. Anything we say is a song. Just name anything. Yeah. Hey, Dusty, name five songs, because that seems to be a real sticking point. Fucking. I'm going to go tool. Pot. That's the pot. Sorry. Fucking sober. System of down. We got chop suey. She already said that. Well, that doesn't count. I got to tell you this. The fact that one person has just gone like Led Zeppelin, Black Dog, Stairway to Heaven, When the Levee. Let's take it off. We've almost done that. The fucking roots. Everyone goes. Okay. Chop suey. Chop suey again. Did somebody say happy birthday yet? It's crazy. Pick one artist and name five songs. Who's your favorite? Greg. Greg. Greg. Greg. What is your least favorite race and why? And why? NASCAR. It's a hot seat right now. Okay. Asians. Asians. Oh. Good answer. Nice. Nice. That's a dark horse. Good answer. And why Asians? They're rude. I could guess. They're rude. So rude. You're jealous of their natural hairlessness. Yes. That's true. That's a fucking fantastic point. But I will say I've had Asian landlords several times and never pleasant people ever. Really? Not at once. I've had plenty of Asian friends, but Asian strangers who have been brought into my life, I've had plenty of Asian friends. I've had plenty of Asian friends. Rude. Jay. Interesting. Name five Asian friends. Chop suey. Chop suey. Did anybody say that? Did anybody say happy birthday yet? Mark's quick. There he is. My friend Mark. My friend Mark, growing up, Japanese. Is that chicken off? Dean, another friend in elementary school. Steve Byrne. Come on. Joy Yang. Joy Yang Summers. And then Cat C, another fucking Asian girl who wears sexy dresses. All right, all right. There you go. Can I say? Yeah. Jay's not friends with the last two at all. He just knows them casually. I know. I was like, wait a minute. You're friends with Joy Yang? Show me your text message. Friendly. Friendly. Friendly. Friendly is her last name. Friendly is her tag team partner. Oh, shit. All right. Question 11. I'm kidding. I'm just kidding. All right. Remember you took tit medicine? Yeah. So you're on hormones. I'm on HRT, yeah. HRT. Is it the hormone? Yeah. I don't know. Estrogen and progesterone. Hell yeah. How long? How long have you been on? I'm trying to not look at your tits, but you do have little bumps there. I'll show you a picture, but I won't show them in person. You won't show them in person? Yeah, yeah. I want to see a picture of your tits right now. Yeah. Oh. It's sick. By the way, I wanted to be on record. I gave a reluctant clap. I went, all right. Or we got the reluctant clap from Mark in that hot tub. Come on, folks. Oh, it's the hot tub. We're losing energy in the room right now. What about downtown? What's going on there? It's also a weird question to ask, but. Oh, sorry. I think every question is a podcast. You want to see it? I'll show you that, too. Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. No. Ew. What? Her dick. Yes. You want to see her cock? No. Can I make an observation? No, not if I'm the only person who wants to. She was looking right at Mark and then switched to you so hard during the offer. There's a vibe here. Have you ever been to Jamaica? I'll show it to you, too. Louis, let me tell you something. In my mind, Louis has already had sex with you, and I'm just, it's happening, so I'm just going to, next week I'll treat him as such. Yeah. All right, this is a good question. If R.J. Fier ever had to leave this show, and he never would, but if he did, he would never leave us like somebody else. He wouldn't. Who would you replace him with? Dave Smith. What's the fucking young kid? The political commentator? Tristan. You're saying Tristan Bowen. Tristan. Why Tristan? He has the right energy. He's not the same. You're better than Dave. Let me say that off the top of my head. Hold on, hold on. Wait, wait. Whoa, whoa. Holy shit. Dave's our brother. Damn. Wait, so you're saying they should have gone with Tristan? Yeah. Tristan over me? No, no, no. You, I was questionable. But then you came on, I'm like, yeah. Questionable. He was questionable. Have you ever seen a mirror? What are you talking about? All of your decisions are questionable. Yeah, living questions. Hey, Ari, guess what? Everywhere you go, people have questions. In fact, we're changing your name from Greg to questionable. Hey, Ari, Craig just told you you're not passable. Damn, you're getting zinged by Paxil Rose. Oh, fuck. to say, Craig is the only person who showed up early and helped us set up today. Wow. There we go. I'm here to work. Rarely do you see in a woman a willingness to work hard. That's true. She works with an erection. She works hard. You must be a woman trapped in a man's body. With that attitude, you must be a woman trapped in a man's body. Craig, I think you're great so far. So we're going to get give it up one more time for Craig. We're going to bring them all. All the interns have to come up here and stand behind us. Stand behind us for just one moment. Craig, stay here. Do we have to get rid of a few more? No, we're going to get rid of, I think, what is there, nine here? I think we should get rid of three. Get rid of three. Except what's-his-name gets a pass. Paul, Terrible Paul. Paul's in. Terrible Paul, you should do the challenge anyway to see how you do. You're going to need another camera source for this. Where are the glasses? Do we have the glasses? That must require an intern. Pass out the glasses to everybody. This is liquid acid. Drink it. No. Don't drink it. Here we go. Now, that's hot tub water from Ari and Mark's ski trip. Will you drink it? Pass them down. Everyone's going to get one. Pass them down. Everyone's getting one. So, what you guys have to do, a big part of this job is getting everyone drinks. Thank you, Mark. A big part of this job is getting everyone drinks. So, what you've got to do right now is you have to hold it above your head and whoever drops their glasses first, they're like straight out of Hitler. Can I just announce this real quick? Today is the 78th anniversary of Kristallnacht, the day that the Holocaust officially started. So, what we're doing right now is Nazi feats of strength. Yes. You have to heil Hitler with the glass, straight out. Heiler. Heiler. So, you can't change your hands. No. No hands. You can't cheat on this one. You can't cheat God twice. You have to be truthful for once in your life. So, yeah. The first three that drop their glasses are out, officially eliminated. Not drop, but like their arm drops below the. What? Head level. Head level. Head level. Okay. Head level. Okay. We got to fill the time. It's going to be some time. Yeah, we're going to still talk shit and fucking. What else do we have on here? I thought it was ten people. We got rid of. Oh, you got rid of the weirdo. Yeah. Bubbles are weird. Well, Crenshaw counts as two. Bubbles are. Bubbles are. Crenshaw, heiler up. He's never had water. He's trying to get away from his face. Lord of a grape soda guy. Yeah. Who would you. If you were putting money right now, who would you put money on? Stop bending your arm. Keep it straight out like a fucking. Oh. Whoa. Whoa. There we go. Easy there. And, Paul, by the way, you don't even have to. I like the fact that you're going for it. Paul, the man. Paul is zoned in right now. He is looking ahead and just like. He's an arcane. This guy is hopped up on fire. This is great. I'm excited about it. An arcane. What happened to your leg there, Special Olympics? I was playing volleyball for my Achilles. And. You won't believe this. A dude I was playing against is in the audience. I don't play. All my life, I don't believe. All my life, I don't believe you were playing volleyball with a dude. You, I don't know. No. Yeah. Maybe should we have made this challenge even harder? Fucking. Wait, what do we name him again? Hemorrhage? No, what do we name him? Nutsack. Nutsack is just pouring body-burning coffee into his mouth and eating it. It's psychotic. It's like a real problem. I think he's the guy. I think he's a lock. He's a lock. This guy will do whatever we ask. He will do whatever we ask. It's a performance-enhancing drug. He just became stronger in this moment. I've never drank my own coffee that way. Why don't we just put him through the next round before he screams Tonka? He already is. Before he screams Tonka to Lee and punches the trans. He's a real problem. All right, guys, so are your arms getting tired at all? A little bit. It's starting to burn a little bit. High alert. High alert. Nice and straight. Nice and straight up. By the way, Paul's arm is coming almost below his shoulder. He's on his shoulder right now. There we go. We've got to keep our eyes on these people. Look at Paulsy. You should all be ashamed of yourselves. Oh, man, I just looked at Craig's stomach, and I was like, look at that stomach. Oh, it's a dude. I forgot. Fuck. Nutsack has a really not straight arm. I'm telling you, there's a vibe here. Yeah, there is a vibe. Yeah, you should just slide loose your number. Yeah. This is great, though. Good luck to everyone here. How are you feeling right now? I don't like it. You don't like it. It's getting heavy. It's getting heavy, but how bad do you want it? You know what else was heavy? Kristallnacht, where they tore down our windows every night with no repercussions by the law. That was also pretty fucking heavy. Hold it up. Ari, do you believe the six million number? What? Do you believe the six million number? In net worth, it's far above that. How fucking crazy is it? I mean, to think that your Jew special on Netflix did six million out of the gates. I know. Oh, no. Yeah, you're out. You're out. No, you're out, dude. Get out. Get out. You're done. You fucking bump below your shoulder. Guys, what was the name again? Gimmick. Gimmick. Gimmick. Oh, Gimmick was passed through. He's passed to the next round. Oh, he was already passed to the next round. Look at Gimmick just doing something for the lark. Oh, yeah. He was just done. He did it for the glory. Now he's drinking the water. How painful is it getting? Poe looks like he's in pain right now. Poe's strong. Poe, could you do this better if you were hanging upside down? I hold the camera off and. Ooh, Poe's fucking getting in on it. Poe would actually take our podcast to the next level. Poe is very professional. Nutsack, if he ruled you with nut chick, fucking the trans. Do not. You go, oh, hey, sweetheart. You're through the next round. But I like the fact that he's still trying to hold it as hard as he can. I like the fact that he looks like an Ewok. He's going to not have to go to physical therapy. He's going to be healthy this week. That's the problem. He can barely Ewok. Luis is holding on longer than Luis's dad did after he got stabbed. Come on, dude. He died hours later in the hospital. He's doing great. Yeah, he's really doing good. Isn't that true? He hung on? Look at the legs on, old special. Look at those thighs. He's a nurse. What's his name? Nurse Betty. Nurse Betty. So, wait, hold on. It's Paul, Nurse Betty, Crenshaw White. Crenshaw White. New York. New York. New York. New York. New York. New York. New York. Cray. Cray. Nutsack. Nutsack. And hemorrhage. These are all great names. We actually didn't even use that fact. Wait, what's his name again? Hemorrhage. Oh, hemorrhage. Hemorrhage looks like he's having trouble. Hemorrhage is a personal trainer. Yeah, he's a post-apocalyptic bisexual. Hey, Nutsack's on the case. You guys got to keep an eye on Crenshaw over there. Crenshaw. Crenshaw, what's going on? She's not talking about the water. She's like, watch your wallets. Alex is a bonafide racist. Good job. Pretend it's your cholesterol. Keep it high. Oh, shit. Paul's fucking. Paul's going down. Paul's going down. Come on, Paul. Paul. Paul. Paul. Paul. Paul. Paul. Paul. Paul. Paul. Paul. Paul. Paul. All day. Hemorrhage looks red in the face. Hemorrhage is in pain right now. That's anxiety. Just anxiety. Up, Craig. Up, Craig. Craig. That's people dominating a sport again. Craig, you've been the worst in this. I love the fact that fucking Paul is in it for no reason at all. He doesn't even have to be. Paul. Paul. Paul. Paul. Paul. Paul. Paul. Paul. Paul. Nurse Betty's really struggling. Nurse Betty's struggling. Oh, it's a two-man race. Craig and Nurse Betty. It's a two-person race. What are you doing there, trans? Holy shit. Leah Thomas. Oh, my God. There we go. I feel it, Chris. I feel it. Oh! Oh! Oh, shit! Guys! Oh, shit! Not on my jersey. Why right over my jersey? I have to get this shot. Stop leaning on each other. I know what you're doing. Oh. Put that arm straight up, Paul. This is the first time Craig is wet. Yeah, Paul! Paul! Luis is down. Give me a chair! All right. You're still in though. You're good for next week. Paul, you're good. Paul, one more time for Paul. You're the man, Paul! Stay up. Now, don't sit. Stop doing that with Jay. Nutsack is killing it. Hemorrhage is-- Up, up, hemorrhage. Up, hemorrhage. High alert. Straight up. Okay, okay, okay. Straight up. Oh, my God. Oh, he's shaking hard. Special ed is shaking hard. Nurse Betty. I'm dabbing you up. Let's see. Nurse Betty's shaking hard. Come on, Craig. Keep that arm straight out. Nurse Betty's freaking out right now. Nutsack is starting to shake a little bit over here. Straight out. Straight out. Straight out in front of you. Like you're hiling Hitler, like you have. Where are you going? Oh, you're pouring more water in him. He did have some of that water. Oh, no. Ari Shafir being the master. No, no, no. Get up. Stop, stop, stop. That cup is going to drop. You got two fingers on that thing. It's anybody's game right now. Craig is really struggling right now. Craig, hold it. Come on, Craig. Straight up. Come on, Craig. You're the only woman left in this competition. If you beat a nurse, that's such a chick thing to do. Craig, get it. Get some fingers on there, will you? It's so close. Craig, keep it up. There you go. There you go. You got a claw. Nutsack is struggling right now. Nutsack is struggling. It's been 10 minutes that they've been holding it. Holy shit. Good job, guys. Nutsack, keep that fucking arm up. Keep that fucking arm up. Craig, up. Craig, up. Up, up. Craig. Craig. Craig. Craig. No, Craig's out. Craig's out. Oh, man. Craig, great job. Wow. You guys are good, guys. You did it. Wow. Wow. They make it into the next round, folks. Wow. What a competition. Damn. Trans people always dominate. Wow. We eliminated four tonight. That was tough. Wow. Wow. 10 minutes. That was way better than I thought it was going to be. Wow. That was unreal. Wow. Good job, boys. Wow. Poe. Poe. Poe, come here. Stop right there. Stop right there. Face. Face. Oh! He can't go that low with his nose. Down to face. Just your face, Poe. Good. All right. You're good there, Poe. There's a better face. I like it. Face. Face. Man, Lewis loves power. Nothing makes Lewis happier than power. Isn't it fun? Go Spartans, MSU. Yes, ladies and gentlemen. What a show. What a show, folks. I want to give a big thank you to all of our contestants, all of our Spring-Term Olympians. A huge round of applause for Mark Norman, our amazing guest tonight. Go Knicks. The Knicks won. Go watch a special right now on Netflix. You want? Yeah. That's four, baby. Fucking two stars, dude. Holy shit. Thank you, guys. Appreciate it. Yes, sir. Thank you so much, Mark Norman. Thank you all for being here with us. Until next time, everybody. Thanks for having me. Peace. You've been listening to the Legion of Skanks podcast with Big Jay Oakerson. Did you suck it? I think I would instinctually suck it. Thick with three Cs. He wants me fucking over, Lewis. Lewis Gomez. Lewis J. Gomez, you motherfucker. Lewis J. Gomez. You ever try to watch a retard draw a swastika? It's hilarious. I'm sort of known as a point guard of podcasting. Being a fat gay guy is so fucking awesome. And comedian Ari Shafir. The Legion of Skanks podcast. The Legion of Skanks podcast is brought to you by the Legion of Skanks podcast. Thank you.