Mark Normand Is A Gay Dad | 2 Bears, 1 Cave

(upbeat music) (bell dinging) - Well, Bert is having 16 feet of intestines removed this week, we wish him well in his recovery and sitting in for him, he's gay, he's Muslim, he's hilarious, give it up for Mark Norman, everybody. - Woo! - There you go. Thanks for coming in. - Good to be here, good to be back Tom. Thanks for having me. - Absolutely, oh, nice fart man. - I was sitting on that one for a minute. - Have you ever had farts go wrong? - Yes, what are you kidding? I'm American, I'm human. I've definitely had some splatter in my day. We've all had a shark. - Oh yeah, yeah. - Trying to think of a good one. One time I sharded on a date and I could feel we were gonna hook up and I had to just get out of there, like get the panties off, my panties off, and before we, how did you, did you leave the date or did you just go like, oh, I gotta go to the bathroom. - I had just did the bathroom thing. - And cleaned up. - Yeah. 'Cause if you're getting head or something, you're just assuming she can smell the shit. - Oh yeah. - You know, right when those pants come off the air opens up. - Oh, that was a bad, was it pretty bad? - It was pretty bad, yeah. And I'm not a sharder, I got a tight B hole, quite the balloon knot, but every now and then, I feel like once a year, you get stung. - Yeah, I think, with every year that goes by, they're more likely to happen, you know? - You make so, is that the thing? - As you get, I can only imagine in our 70s, we're gonna be sharding pretty often. - Yeah, that's true. - I remember the, I mean, the last one was in a bathroom at a urinal and I just went to, I was like, oh, I got a little fart, whatever, and just fucking disaster came out. - At least you were in the bathroom already. - It's the best place it can happen. - Yeah. - Yeah, I've had, I mean, at home like those are like, they're horrible, but you're like, at least I'm home. - Yeah. - But like, yeah, out in public is on a date feels like a, really, were you at her place? - No, we were like at a bar and I sharded it, but I could tell it was going well and I was like, oh, nothing kills that confidence. - No. - Like a shard, too. - Shard really wakes you up. - Yeah, so it was bad, but yeah, rarely do it. I got a baby now and he's sharding like a mother fart. - That's what they do, man. They just fucking shit and piss for years. - But the beauty of a baby is when it sharts in the diaper, you're like, hey, it's a good day. - Good day, yeah. - Usually it's fucking Katrina and Flintwater in here. - Oh, yeah, it's fucking, and then you get sprayed and it gets everywhere. - Yes, yes. You ever have to think where you change the diaper and you're like, all right, that was a giant load of dung and waste and then you put a new diaper on and they shit in that one. - Of course, like within, how old your baby now? - He's 38. - No, no, he's four and a half months. - Oh, you have a little baby. - Oh, he's a big sack of jizz and it's finally getting good. Like he's laughing, he's smiling, he's racist. Yeah, so he's fun now. - Yeah, that's the best dude. - Yeah, sleeping through the night and everything. Once that happens. - That's four months? - Yeah, yeah. - That's awesome, man. - Yeah, we hit him with a dream feed. You know about the dream feed. - Dream feed? Oh, that's where you call it where you feed him like midnight and they don't even wake up, they just drink. - And then they do that. - Yeah, like Bert. - Yeah. - And then I just go up to Bert, give him some vodka. - That's exactly what he wants. (laughing) - But yeah, so they sleep through the night now. It's huge, save the marriage. - Oh, it's a game changer. Sleep is what ruins the relationship. - Yes, but what do you got? Six kids now? - I have five, two. And they're six and nine. And yeah, man, the other one that like some couples, it's so crazy to me. I mean, your kids are gonna jump in bed with you. But some of them just go like, yeah, our baby sleeps with us indefinitely. And you're like, wow. - Oh, that's a good way to ruin the relationship, too. - I know. Isn't it weird that anyone can have a kid? Like we have a fucking toothpaste behind glass at a CVS, but anybody can have a child. - Yeah. - You know, like the flat earth, or can have a kid. - Yeah, anyone totally legal. - So they're crazy when you get to, like you have kids, and then you look at your parents, and you're like, you're just like a guy. - I know. - That was walking around. - I know. - And you met this lady and you banged her, and that's why I'm here. - Yeah. - But you're not special. - Right, right. - You're just a regular guy. - I feel the same way with like a priest. You see a priest, like, oh, the priest, but then you're like, this is just a guy with a boner and a mustache and a van, you know? But he's a priest now. - Yeah. - But we have to go, oh, the pastor, like the Pope. The Pope is a guy from Chicago. We're like, oh, look at the Pope, and I'm like, he's just a guy who hates gays. - The guy, the Pope goes to White Sox games. - Yes, exactly, exactly. He's probably said the N word after he lost a bet, you know? He's just a guy who's eating, you know, what do you call it, a deep dish. - Yeah, so it is not, everybody is just a guy. - Just a guy. - Tom fucking Cruz, by the way, I feel like we are taking people like Tom Cruz for granted. And he is a gift to entertainment. - Yes. - He is a one of one. I was just thinking about how like, that guy's entire life has been basically dedicated for the most part to just entertaining us. - Right. - And he's willing to die. - Yeah. - To give us like, hey, that was a good movie. He's willing to die. - Yeah, movies are literally over. And he's like, I'll save him. I'll fly off this cliff in a motorcycle. - It's insane. - At 68. - What does he? - He's 62 now, I think. - Oh my God, he still looks great. - He looks great. - And he's doing all the stunts and we're on Mission Impossible 40. - It's so, it's, it's, did you see the latest one? - No, I haven't seen it yet. - I went 'cause I wanted to see it before it was out of IMAX. And you know, 'cause it's only gonna, you're usually only at IMAX for like a couple of weeks. And I went, first, it's long as shit. It's a three hour Mission Impossible. - What are they doing with that? - I think they were just trying to put a button on the franchise for him. - Oh, okay. - So 'cause they were like, it's the final reckoning or whatever and it's the last one. And they do a lot of like, you know, they honor kind of the earlier one. There's like a lot of flashback stuff and tying things together. I think it was a story why I was a little convoluted. - Yeah. - But him putting on it like a show for us. - Yeah. - He's just like watching this shit go down. You're like, this dude really just wants to give us incredible entertain. Like there's nobody like him. There's nobody like, there's actors who are obviously great actors and they're like, yeah, I'll do this movie. - Sure. - And I'll say my lines and stand on my marks. - Yeah. - But this guy's like climbing on a plane. It's not CGI. - I know. - He's on a plane hanging off of the wing with a wire. - Right. - And then they're like, yeah. Just keep doing that. And the fucking planes going all over. He's dangling from the plane. - See, that's the movie I want to see. I want to see the stunts, you know, going wrong or him dangling. I don't want to see the movie. I want to see him fucking up and be like, oh shit, that was crazy. I almost died. - Well, you realize that those like his movies, especially like Mission Impossible, they're just stunt showcases. - Exactly. What I've heard is that they shoot them first. - Whoa. - So that he goes like, you know what we haven't done? Me hanging off of like a single engine plane. - Right. - And then they're like, cool. And they shoot it. And then they're like, all right. Now let's figure out a story of how I ended up on that doing that. - Wow. So it's basically just engineer it. - Yeah, yeah. - Jack asked on another level. It's like, I don't know if they were running into a bull cage. I'm gonna fly off a plane. - Yeah. - Wow. We should just put them in like crazier situations. Like, let's put them in Gaza. - Oh yeah, that's right. This is like a few. See what happens. - Episodes ago. This is like right there. - Oh, wow. This is what I want to say. This is entertainment. - He knew he had broken his ankle. - I crawled over the wall just to get past camera because I knew this is the take. - The first thing he did was turn to the camera operator and say, did you get that? - Oh. - Broke his ankle. - Ankle. - Yeah, I looked down. - Wow. That's bananas. Now it just raises the question. What's going on in Scientology? That makes you have to do that. - I don't know. This dude is, he's so wired differently. - He is. - 'Cause you get, everybody who, I know a few people that have worked with him and have met him and they're like, it is intense. Because when he meets you, they're like, he is all in on you. You get all his attention. - Yeah. - You feel like you're the most important person and he's really engaged. And he's also, you know, this is like somebody, I think no negativity is allowed in his strategy. - Really? - Whoa. - And he just, you know, this is him what? Eating popcorn? (laughing) - Yeah. Yeah. - Fascinating guy. - Fascinating guy. - You heard that Jimmy Kimmel story where Jimmy Kimmel finally started like, getting up in the ranks in Hollywood and he had a big Super Bowl party and he invited Tom Cruise and he's like, oh my God, it's gonna be great. Tom Cruise shows up with cupcakes in his mom and he's just a bunch of like degenerates, like Adam Corolla, Bill Simmons and all these dudes. And they're all drinking beer and farting and they're like, oh hey, Tom's mom, you know, this is weird. But that's who he is. - I think he's like a kind of a dork. - I think so. - Yeah. - Oh, 100%. - Like I don't mean any in a bad way. I just mean like, he's so type A - Yeah. - So structure would probably like wake up. It's the train. I mean, egg whites, meeting, you know what I mean? Like goes through his shit. - Yeah. - And then he's obviously, like just every year, he's like, no, I'll do another fucking insane action stunt movie and I'm 62 years old. - Wow. - Yeah. - You'd love to talk to the Nicole Kidmans and the Katie Holmes, get some scoop on the sexual side. - Yeah, what do you think? - I think he's, well, if he does anything like the movies, he's got to go all in, he's probably, you know, really lasting a long time and-- - A lot of breath work. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, a lot of wacky positions. I'm sure he's got a swing. - Right, it's not just like, hey, blow me. - No, god, no, he's got to go all in. His mom's there, there's cupcakes. - There's cupcakes. - At True Classic, the mission goes beyond fit and fabric. It's about helping guys show up with confidence and purpose. Their gear fits right, feels amazing, and it's priced so guys, everywhere can step into confidence without stepping out of their budget. Well, it really sets them apart. 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I was like, you know, if I don't, this comedy thing doesn't work out. I'm not going to know what I do. And I was talking to Halston about it. Halston used Acorns. I've had Halston with me forever. Everyone in our office uses Acorns. It's so simple. And saving made simple makes saving simple. Sign up now and join the over one million all time customers who have already saved and invested over $2.2 billion for their retirement with Acorns head to acorns.com/pares or download the Acorns app to get started. Pay non client endorsement, compensation provides incentive to positively promote Acorns. Tier three compensation provided and investing involves risk. Acorns advisor LLC and SEC registered investment advisor view important disclosures at acorns.com/pares. - So wait, are you loving being a dad? Is this like a fun? I'm loving it now. Now the first two months are pretty brutal. It's just keep this thing alive. You're on no sleep. You're not getting laid. So now it's great. - Yeah, it's a fun, are you gonna do more, you think? - I think I'm gonna do one more. - Yeah. - Just two is great. - Yeah, I'd like to have one that's not down. - Yeah. - So that would be helpful. But yeah, two is fun. And you got the good ages. You're writing that gooey, fun kid phase. - They are very fun. This age is very, they both have, you know, you don't know when it's gonna happen. I think it starts to happen at four where you see a real individual personality start to pop where you go like, oh, this is this, who this person is. - Yeah. - And then obviously with every year, it kind of comes out more. So these two guys are like very distinct personalities. - Yeah. - And they're very fun. And they, you know, they're just, they're kids. They just wanna have fun all day. I mean, they're a good time. - Man, I can't wait. - It's very cool. - Is it, 'cause a lot of, are you one of these dads? A lot of dads I know have kids, your kids age. And they're like, I'm sitting in a summer camp, get the hell out of my house. - No. - I think I'd wanna hang out with them. - No, it's fun. This is, I think this is gonna go quick. Like the nine year old, he's still, I describe it as like, has an innocence to them, right? - Yeah. - And you start to calculate in your head that the innocence will disappear in a number of years. Like in other words, where they'll just become more either cynical or jaded by, you know, just like how life evolves. - Yeah. - But at this age, they're still like totally innocent. - Yeah. - And it's fun to be around them, you know? - So what are you doing? You're shielding the porn and shielding the Twitter and all that? - You know, it's funny. Like they definitely don't have access to that. But they'll still come home and say, wild shit. - Really? - Yeah, because it's because of other kids. - Sure. - So like. - But that's not new. - No, we were doing that. We were doing the same thing, like the latest one, which made me laugh so hard as they go, "What can I say except that I'm gay?" (laughing) I was like, have you been hanging out with Mark? - I think that's a new car Michael special. (laughing) They say all kinds of crazy shit slang. - Yeah. - Things where you're like, oh, you know, yeah, you think Elon Musk, and like how do you even know who that is? - Wow. - And they're like, everyone knows him. And you're like, oh, yeah, I guess. - It seems inevitable now. 'Cause like we had, oh, look at this porno mag or whatever. Now it's like, look at two girls one cup. I mean, you can just pull out an iPad and show people like a guy's head getting cut off. It's crazy. We had a pat on a tape, person. - Thank God they still have like zero interest right now. - Yeah. - So I like to get like, do you have a girlfriend? And they're like, fuck you. (laughing) They get mad at the ice suggestion. - Right. - Right, okay, they're so like. - An angry gay guy. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. But they're, it's adorable, man. No, I don't wanna, I wanna be with them, especially in the summer 'cause we work all the time. - Yeah. - We're always gone. So it's like. - Right. - I can take some time off in the summer and actually like, you know, do stuff with them. It's gonna be fun. - My parents work from home. So they were like, get out of here. - Oh right. - They had a law firm in the house. - In the house. - Yeah, yeah. 'Cause they, they were too cheap. I think they rent a building or whatever. So they're like, we'll just do it in the big house. - Is your boy their first grand child or no? - No, my brother has two kids. And he's like a, he's like a real person. He has a job and you know, it's a wife and two kids. - Yeah. - And I, you know, tell dick jokes. - Right, right. But they're, are they thrilled? They gotta be thrilled to have another grand kid. - Oh yeah, they're loving it, they're loving it. And it's, I got it in that the buzzer, they're getting old. - Yeah, yeah. No, they, yeah. You give them a little taste of that and they love it on the way out. - Yeah, it's weird. No, no, no, no, no, don't get too cleafy on you. But I see the little boy and then I see my dad and I see mannerisms that I do that they both do. So now I got two generations that I'm like, what's the word? I'm like replicating, you know, I'm, I see my dad do a thing with his hand, I'm like, oh, should I do that? And I see the boy do a thing with his tongue and I'm like, I do that. - Same thing. Yeah, I see it too, it's very strange. - Yeah. - And one is like, for me, one is so much more like me. - Oh really? - Oh yeah, yeah. - It's two boys. - Okay. - Yeah, one of them is like, I mean, he looks like me, he does like so many of the kids, so funny. Like, he's a kid and he's like, I sleep in boxers and he's like, since he's four, he takes his shirt off and he gets in his little shirt and he gets, and he does shit like, like puts his name on you. - Oh yeah. - Like, all the stuff that I did and do and my dad did, saying, the kid also sleeps with an I mask, which I'm like, what the fuck? - Whoa. - He's like, I can't have any light, which is exactly how I am. - Wow. - He's the same thing. - And little, and all, like you said, little gestures. - Yeah. - And then when he like snaps at something, like he's like, oh, for fuck's sake. Like, Christina will look at me and she'll be like, that's you. - Whoa. So do you like him more or like him less? Because he's like you. - I guess I, I don't like him to be like me at all. - No, I mean, it's, it entertains you in a way. And then what you see sometimes, I think, that is like the real mind fuck, is they're displaying one of your behaviors that is not flattering. You know? - Oh, right. - And then I go, oh, that's what I do. And that's not great. - He's jerkin' off of the playground. - He's like, that's me. That's God damn it. - God damn it. I gotta rein that in. - Yeah. - But you know, I heard Bill Burce say years ago, he was like, I wish I did this 10 years earlier. Like, if I have in kids and that, that like really got my head. 'Cause you know, we like, we're comics. We like to prolong everything. We got the Peter Pan thing. - Yeah. - Yeah, but I get that 'cause sometimes you go like, oh, if I had done it with like some of our friends have kids like right out of college or whatever. - Yeah, that's brutal. - Yeah, and I'm like, well right now, yeah, the kid would be in his 20s. I'm like, yeah, but I wouldn't have been able to do anything that I did. - Exactly, exactly. - So now I'll be kind of an older dad, I guess. I don't know. - Yeah, that's a little scary, but. - But not that old. - Not that old, and I think people are living longer. - Yeah. - Yeah, Tom Cruise is still hanging on a plane. - Yeah, he's fucking 62, come on. - Yeah. - We're fine. - We're fine. - I've always wanted to ask you, who do you like more Joe, List, or Sam Ronald? - I get this a lot actually. - Do you really? - I get this all the time. I'll do like a Q and A after a show, and that question comes up all the time. Well, you know, Sam's Jewish, so that takes him down a peg. - For sure. - But Joe's got her face now. I don't know, they're both great in different ways. Sam is like, I started writing jokes with him, right when I started comedy, we did open mics together, and-- - Would you guys actually write together? - Oh yeah, all the time. We had writing sessions. - No shit. - Couple of nerds, yeah. - And then like, try, hey, what do you think of this? - All the time, all the time. We, if you watch my specials, some of them like, that's the same line. That's the same line he gave me, and then if you watch his, I'm like, I gave him that line, I gave him that line. - What? - A lot of joke, love, a lot of comedy, love, and coming up together is always fun. - Yeah. - But then, and we drink, he's like my drinking guy. - Oh yeah. - Where Joe got sober. - Oh right. - But then me and Joe have this weird gay connection with this crazy rapport, and so, I don't know, it's tough, it's hard to say. - Yeah, no, I get it. I mean, it's cool that you get to do podcasts with both, 'cause you get Tuesdays with stories, and then you get, we might be drunk. - Exactly. - It's our appropriate titles for both. - And we get so busy, you know, you got kids, you got the career, you got a TV show, you're all over the place, so like now, to hang out with your friends, you almost have to monetize it. - I know. - You have to make it like a podcast, just to like get some hang time. - That's 100%. And something that you would never predict, right? - Yeah, 'cause every time I'm, like if I'm at home and someone's like, hey, let's just hang out, I'm like, I can't hang out, dude. - I can't hang out. - Yeah, I just got home. - Yeah, exactly. - I can't hang out. - My wife's like, you never come home and I'm like, we should do a pod. - Yeah, that's what you do. - That's what I do. - That's right. - That's smart, so you get to see your wife. - Actually, no joke, that is sometimes like, the most time we'll spend together in a week. - That's what I'm saying. - 'Cause like, you land, right? And you're like, all right, we gotta go do it. - Yeah. - You're hanging out for a couple hours here, and then you leave, and you're like, we got 20 things to do. - It's sad but true. - Yeah. - But at least you can monetize this. Now you can pay to hang out with your wife, which, you know, it's how it should be. - That's how it should be. - Goddamn it. - Goddamn, lady. Did you see Tim's CNN interview? - Oh, shit, I loved it. - It was great. - I've been jerking off to that thing. That was amazing. That lady, she seemed very nice, but how clueless she is is so funny to me. - And that's who represents one of the biggest news networks in this, you know, in this situation. - I know. - This is the representative of one of the largest news organizations in the world. - Yeah. - And it's like not, which kind of speaks, I think, to like the state of journalism. - 100%. - Because you'll see a lot of times people, you pay attention to ask questions now, and you're like, "Do you have any idea what you're actually even asking about?" - Oh. - Dude, you didn't make it all? - I mean, you ever watched those man on the street videos where a guy would go to a university and be like, "What do you think of a Hamas?" And they're like, "Oh, that's a cool group." You know, I love their podcast or whatever. And you're like, "Wow, you're out to lunch." - Yeah. - But yeah, the CNN interview was like a great, comedy moment for all of us. I feel like that was a win for us. - I thought so too. He was really good in it. - Dude, I would have been like, are you fucking nuts? He crazy, bro, when he's nuts, you know? But he was like, he's a sassy fat gay, and he kept it down. I was impressed, he was kept a classy. - Yeah, he was really like articulate, and his stream of consciousness was like very clear, not disrupted. - Yes. - Like, he just kind of rolled with it so well. - He rolled with it and he always had an answer. You know, sometimes you're like, "Ah, well, hold on, that's not true. Wait a minute." He was like, what about this comedian? He had a list of everything, he was on it. - Yeah, he was really good for. I mean, it's funny because he's, you know, he can be so ridiculous on this show, but like, he really is a super smart guy. I mean, very smart guy, he's got great takes, he's very, he's thinking about everything all the time. You know, he's the next co-head. So now without the Coke, this is his like, this is drug, is the culture. - I laugh so hard when I think about that. I think he used to sell mortgages. - Yeah. - And I'm like, you had to have been an animal. - Oh my god. - I can only imagine the false confidence I would have if he told me, like, you should get this loan. I'd be like, really? And he'd go on one of his little rants and I'd be like, I think I should too. - Yeah, the amount of old people he's screwed over is like, and terrified. - People probably every once in a while go on YouTube and be like, that's the guy that bankrupted me. Like, that's why I left my house and my kids didn't go to college. It's because of that guy. - Exactly. You're in more lives than COVID and a nursing home. But yeah, yeah, he's a brilliant dude and a funny comedian and it's funny how many people don't get him, like sometimes you'll watch his podcast or like, that's hilarious. And they're like, this guy's crazy. He's wearing a Muslim outfit and shouting to Allah. You're like, he's joking. - Yeah, it's a joke. - Yeah, it's, it's, yeah, summer is here. More sun, more light, more time to do all the things that make summer so special. And the number one thing you don't want to be doing all summer, spending hours cooking inside, that's where factor comes in. Factors, chef crafted, dietician-approved meals are ready in just two minutes, taking the hassle out of eating well. Factors meals arrive fresh and ready to eat. Perfect for any active lifestyle over summer and beyond. With 45 weekly menu options, you can pick gourmet meals that fit your summer gains and goals. Choose options like calorie smart, protein plus, keto and more. Those are the only ones I really pay attention to. 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That's code bearas50off at factor meals.com/bearas50off for 50% off plus free shipping, factor meals.com/bearas50off. You'll never win anybody over completely. I know. Like people just watch it and they're just, everything is ranting and raving, screaming at something they don't get. I know, I gotta get over that. I'm like 20 years in the comedy or whatever. And I still read a comment where somebody's like, is this supposed to be funny? And I'll just write, yes. Like, well, that's why I posted it. I'm a comedian, it's getting laughs in the room. Like, yeah, it's supposed to be funny, but I'm like, mad at this person. What am I engaging? Yeah, no, I think I graduated from that. Good for you. Yeah, I think I did for a long time too. Yeah. And then it's also so much more pleasant not to engage. I know, I know. Like I get, don't get it worked up. Yeah. You just see it and you just kind of go, it's fucking whatever. What's the trick? I mean, I think it's just like, you're getting to a point where once you do stand up long enough, right? You have a certain level of exposure. You've fully accept, I'll never, like, not everyone's ever gonna like you, ever. Sure. Like, not everyone likes whoever you want. Chris Rock, Seinfeld. That's true. Like, there's people who go, like, I hate this person. I hate what they're saying, they're not funny. Yeah. So you're like, well, if like the top of the food chain gets that, you know, the rest of us have to get it too. Yeah. And like, I'm going, are those guys engaging with people who go, no, of course not. And then I think you just start to like process that and you're like, oh, yeah, I'm never going to win. Yeah, you know, they never go, good point. You got me there. Yeah. So I just go, I'll post the thing. And if someone doesn't like it, I just go, yeah, cool. I'm fine with that. Yeah. Neil Brennan had that great joke where he said, if you look at Beethoven's fifth symphony or whatever the famous one is, the first comment is gay. And you're like, well, there you go. It's like this beautiful piece of music that's lasted for centuries. Yeah. This is gay. Exactly. So that's all you need to know, folks. Yeah, you can't, you can't, it's a time suck. It's an energy suck. It is, it is, yeah. And it's not the, the people who like it aren't writing. Yeah. You know, maybe you'll get like a ha ha or something. Exactly. But the bad outweighs the good. Right. And people who love things that you do are never going to spend as much time as someone who doesn't love it. Yeah. Which is never. That's true. But. And also, this is the other one. Who, like, how would you think, how do you think a person's life is going? Who spends time going? - Right, right. - Do you think it's somebody who has a lot of shit going on? - Yeah, and who's doing well? - Good point. - I mean, it's crazy, it's crazy. - It is separate from the real world though. - I know, I gotta move on. 'Cause imagine if a politician read all that shit, they would be like, "I can't run anymore." - No, of course. - This guy's gonna kill me. - Oh my god, can you imagine if somebody actually digested the hate at the presidential level? - Oh my god. - I mean, that would, but you'd be suicidal. - Suiciting type in Obama and slurs on Twitter and it's just never ending. - Yeah. - It's wild. - Yeah, I were like Trump too. I'm sure like-- - Sure, sure. - He just, you know, he tells them tell me good news. - Yeah. - Right, so they report like, "Oh yeah, this person loves you "where people are saying you did great." And he's like, "That's cool, great." - Wow. - They're definitely not telling him, you know, it's the bad stuff. (laughing) - Yeah. - Which is like, it's like his own self-induced therapy. - Yeah. - Where he's just like, "Tell me some great shit." People are saying. - And there's probably a lot of delusion there, but he seems happy and he seems to be still thriving. - Yes, Trump. - I mean, one of the craziest things that like, it became normal to us, but it's fully insane. - Completely. - Is that when he became president on the last time, he's like, "I'm doing a rally this week." And you're like, "You're already the president." - Oh yeah. - Because those rallies were just like, positive vibes only. - He got boosted. - Yeah. - And then he would leave there like, "That was awesome." - Right. - That's just to feel good. - And he could be so hypocritical. Like, I'm sure Biden accepted a plane from Saudi Arabia. He'd be like, "Well, that's crazy." But when he gets when he's like, "That's what you do." This is business. It's a plane. I'm not going to give a-- - What am I going to do with it? - Fly? - Exactly. By the way, getting a plane from the Middle East is crazy. That's like getting a train from Auschwitz. You know, they're the ones giving us the plane? Oh, we've got a little history there. (laughs) - Yeah. - We were getting a bat from China. - And then it's like the, he's like, "I'm going to take this plane." And they're like, "Are you going to keep it for your personal use?" He's like, "No." (laughs) Which you know that shit is going to be like, he'll leave office and be like, "I decided to use the plane." - Yeah. - He fucked off. - He's going to use this a car. He'll just drive the plane around. - Definitely. - And then it'll go to his presidential library. You're like, "Huh?" - Yeah. (laughs) - Yeah, no. - It's all, there's a lot of grifting done at that level. - Oh, yeah. It's everybody. I know Trump gets this shit for grifting, which he is, but like Pelosi's grifting everybody's grifting. - All high level politicians. It's about enriching themselves and their friends. - Exactly. - And we all do this left and right thing, but they're all fucking crooks in a suit. - I can't believe anybody actually ever buys into, you know, this person, what they're most interested in, is just helping the American people. And you're like, "You buy that for real." - I know. - I know. - And they give a speech, and then they show on YouTube a speech a year later, and they're saying the exact opposite thing, and you're like, "Well, what are we doing here?" - Yeah, like some people bought into Elon, bought X to champion free speech. I'm like, "That's what you believe." You think that he's just like a free speech advocate that spent $44 billion in the name of free speech. And they're like, "Yay." Okay, cool. - Yeah, it's all silly. I try to avoid a lot of it, but it's so in the culture, it's hard to avoid. - It is. - It is. So, how long have you been in New York now? Is it 20 years? - 2008, seven, so we're getting there. - We're getting there. - Yeah, it's a tough road, but we're finally, I feel like, beat New York. It's like a video game. We've finally beat it on hard. - You did like the shitbox? - Shitbox, I got mugged, I got bedbugs, I got, you know, broke and open mics, open mics with the hardest out of all those. You know, I had a landlord die of AIDS. I had just a crazy-- - Open mics was the hardest of all those. - Well, just like trying to have a day job then do open mics and you're eating shit every night, and then running around the city and getting lost, and having no money, it was pretty brutal. - Horrible, horrible, horrible. Just the amount of apartments. I lived in apartments with comics who have since quit. You know, it was a lot of that. - That's a big thing where I like talk to other people and I go, you know, one of the things about like having any chance in this career is like sticking to it. You know what I mean? Like when the years go by, sometimes we sit around and we thought like, remember this person, that person, and they just kind of fade away. And you're like, well, who's done well? And you're like, well, some of the people who's done well just were the ones that kept doing it. - Right. - They're tolerance for pain essentially. - That's what it is, it's pain. But I think a big part of it is like having a low bar. Like when I got into this, I was like, if I can just not have a day job, I've made it. - Totally. - But everybody wants this viral, they want to be met right. And you're like, just be a comic. If you really like it, just you'll be happy with just doing clubs for the rest of your life. - Yeah, we had no, like when I was starting, there was, thank God, there was no reference for like, get this clip up and going. - I know. - We didn't have any of that. It was really, I got so in on the club system. And when I had seen, like I worked with some people that sold out a weekend. - Yes. - I was like, that's the craziest thing I've ever heard. - Crazy. - That six shows had 300 people sold out. - Yes. Exactly. - That was just to me like, that's the mountaintop. - Right. - That's the same. So then adding a show was insane, or how about when you do a gig and they're like, you do a gig a year later. And the guy's like, I came back. I'm a fan. - Yeah. - Whoa, you came back. You saw me on the poster and said, I'm going to that. - Yeah. - That's crazy. - That's, that to me was like, yeah, it's like, it's too, they're getting too distracted. - I agreed. - Yeah. - It's a blessing and a curse. 'Cause you have the internet. You can just put it all out there. You can expose yourself, get a ton of fans. But also anonymity is a gift. Get good in the shadows first, but they want it too quick. - Yeah, I think that like, 'cause I get it, 'cause you know, if you put up a clip of your standup, it could be the thing that gets people to know who you are. - Yes. - But not if it's not a good clip. Like putting that clip up in your first year, like there's people who are like, I just did standup. Here's the clip, you're like, this is terrible. - Terrible. - Like take this down, you don't want to share this. - I know, but you know. - So how will people know who I am? You're like, well, they shouldn't know who you are. - You shouldn't, but you know, we were impatient too. We just didn't have the outlet. - We didn't have the, I know, we would have done it. - We would have done it. - Yeah. - But it is something you can look at, I think clearly and go like, oh, wait to do that. - Right, right, exactly. Yeah, 'cause comedy takes, you wouldn't put a guitar clip of you like the first week. You know, you're like. - You're like, bram bram bram, you're all tuned. But with comedy, you just do it because that allure of going viral is the clicks. - Yeah, and like, there's this thing too, you have these, you're kind of like thrown. You don't realize it, but like, when you're really new and you say something and it gets a laugh, you're like, oh, I'm getting laughs. - Yes, yes. - And you're like, that's not, those aren't. (laughs) It's not what you think it is. - I know, I know, but it is tempting to. - It's very tempting to go viral. - But you should wait, you should definitely wait. - You should wait, but I think the unknownness of like, will I make it? - Yeah, yeah. - What's gonna happen in the future? How long till I make it? I'm so poor right now. I need money, so I think, yeah, it's too tempting. - It is too tempting, and then, I think a lot of those people, especially the ones who stick to it, are gonna, you know, 10 years from now be like, I cannot believe I posted this shit. - I know, I know. - I see old shit too, where I'm like, ugh. Like I just see like a clip and I'm like, "I cannot believe that's out there." - And even that clip was you, that was like, you working hard at that bit, probably. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, probably. - It was just the first time you did it. - No, it's like a TV clip. - I know, yeah. - This is terrible. - Yeah, yeah. But you ever see old, like, young comics talking, and it's all numerical. It's all like, "Hey, did you hear Bob got 300 retweets?" Or this guy got nine million followers, or whatever it is. - Really? - It's all just views, followers, clicks, shares. It's not like-- - That's the measure. - Yeah, it's not like this guy's got a great bit, or she killed it last night. It's just like numbers, internet numbers. - That's not good. - It's sad, it's depressing, but I think it's just the way it is now. - Yeah, that is really great. Oh my God, can you imagine how much Burt would have posted? (laughing) - God, I know, geez. That would be scary. - You've toured with him many times. - I love him. We go way back, and he took me to Europe. When I had nothing, I did fully loaded. Most pretty much every year, yeah, I'm on the bus. - Did you, what's like the, did you have, I'm assuming you've had like, long nights with him, right? - Oh my God, so many nights in Europe or wild, we went to a strip club in Copenhagen, I think, called the Waterloo. And he's getting a lap dance facetiming Leanne. And you're like, this is crazy. I mean, he came to my bachelor party. That was insane. The fully loaded nights. And he's one of those guys will get drunk at the show, and then be like, we're going to the bar. And he'll be like, after party at this bar. - That was, we're going somewhere else, right? And he's like, no, no, we're going there. - That to me was always the mark of lunacy with that guy. Was when he started to really sell tickets. And then I'd see a video, and I was like, what's going on in that bar? He's like, oh, at the end of my day, I told everyone, "Let's go to this bar." I'm like, "You told the show to go to the bar." - That's insane. - It's insane. - Yeah, and he was like, "Yeah, and I stayed there till like fucking three in the morning and I bought shots for, I'm like, you're crazy, bro." - And he likes it, it's not like he loves it. - Oh, I gotta do this for my fans. He's like, "No, let's get in there." - I remember this so like describes his personality. When we went, one time, Joe had sent us, like we did, I think it was the weight loss contest or something and they're like, "What do you want to go to?" It was like, I'll say you're like a sporting event, right? So I was like, "Okay, let's go see "the Warriors' cabs play San Francisco." - Yeah. - So he sent us up there, that was our reward, right? - Yeah. - So he sent us up there and it's just me and him. We fly to San Francisco, stay in the hotel, and we go to the game, it's fun game. It was like LeBron, Steph, back, it was a fun game to watch, and then we're back at the hotel, he's like, "All right, we found like a rooftop balcony or something." And we're smoking cigars, having a couple drinks, and then he's like, "All right, well, I'm gonna go to bed," and he was like, "Why?" I go, "Oh, I don't know." We mean, it's whatever, it's midnight or one or something. He's like, "But don't you want to like just "keep this feeling going?" I'm like, "What?" (laughs) He's like, "You know what I mean? "That whole like, there's like that buzz." - Yeah. - And he describes it in such a romantic way. - Sure, I was like-- - Beautiful. - I go, "No, I was just thinking about going to sleep." - Yeah, and he was like, "No, stay, stay." - Yeah. - I'm like, "All right, so I stay a little while longer." And I'm like, "How about now?" He's like, "Let's just stay here." I'm like, "Do you want to just live on the roof?" - Yeah. - Like that. - And you're like, "Go see your children." (laughs) "Do you have never talked to your daughters this way, Bert?" - I just was like, I go, to me, I'm like, everything is just based on being tired. I'm like, " Aren't you just tired?" (laughs) - He's like, "No." - He isn't. That's why he has to tour with like younger people. - Yeah. - 'Cause they can keep up with him. The guy's fucking athletic. I mean, we would do ski trips every year. And he would be like, "I'm gonna snowboard today." And we're like, "Oh, wow." And then he would snowboard better than us. And then he'd be like, "I'm gonna ski today." And it's crazy. - Yeah. - And he's like drinking a beer on the slopes and then bam, out there. - Yeah, he has like really great body control. - Yeah. - Yeah, yeah. - Crazy hand-eye coordination. - He'll like skid off on the snow and then take a photo with a guy and then go back out there. - It's crazy. - It's crazy. - It's insane. - It's gonna be sad when he's gone. - How soon? - It's your, what's your bet? - I don't know. I mean, I don't want to spill the tea here, but every time I've been to his house, I can't help but notice the amount of pill bottles. Next to his bed, it's like 38 of those orange pill bottles and you're like, "Is all that for your liver?" What is that? - Yeah, he's, I also feel like he might be one of those just guys. You're like, "Can you believe it? "96." - I know, I know. - Nor McDonnell's out, but still cruising. - Bro, I remember like two because we always, you forget how much, like there's, we all know how to take care of ourselves, but like the biggest factor is still your genetics. - I know. - It's still your genetics. - So true. - And I know a friend of mine's granddad was like, smoke, drink, red meat, just party, like, he was in his 90s. - Hey, there you go. - Fine. - Yeah, just fine. - That's why black people, you're like, your friends eating fried chicken and drinking grape drink and you're like, "You're gonna live longer than me." And you're like, "You got a six pack, you know?" It's crazy. - It's fucking ridiculous. Are you still doing the push-ups every day? - Every day I do them today. I'm hungover, I'm gay and I still, I gotta do them, it's a guilt thing. - How many? - I'm up to good, I do different, I do the diamond than I do the arm lift. So I'm up to like, I don't know, 85. - And then pull-ups too? - Pull-ups too, but those are hard to find 'cause you need the bar. - Yeah, but you can bang out some pull-ups, right? - Oh yeah, oh yeah, I think it's the best exercise. - Yeah. - Good for the back, the arms, the core. - How many pull-ups are we doing? - Well, I hurt my shoulder, I tore my cuff. - You tore it? - I tore my rotator or whatever I don't know if I tore it, but it hurts and it clicks. When I do this, it just keeps clicking. So I think something's wrong. But I can get up to 35 now. - In a row? - Yeah, I do 15, then I hang, and then I go back up for another 10, and then another 10. - Bro. - Hey, you know, I listen to Jaco Willenick, and I get hard, and I just start going. - That's impressive, Mark, for real. - Thanks, I'm trying to kill David Goggins. - Yeah. - Suck it, Goggy. - Do you run, too? - Nah, I don't really run. But I walk, I live in New York, so it's all walking. - Do you still love the city? - I do, I live out in Brooklyn now. I got a backyard, I got the baby, so I feel like I conquered it. But it's hell, don't get me wrong. It's a hellish piece of shit. - Do you ever see yourself leaving New York? You think it'll be a lifelong in New York or now? - Maybe I'll leave, 'cause the taxes are banana. She talked to Shane, he's like, "I'm saving this much." You're like, "Oh God, what am I doing?" But I just, I'm from New Orleans, so I grew up in this kind of slow, hot, humid, just kind of molasses. I do declare, you're drinking a mint jewel lip and a seersucker and have a slave. But I think I can't do that anymore, I can't go back. You ever go on the road and you're in some small town, you're like, "I'm dying here." - Yeah, of course. - So I need the opposite of that. - So you have to be in a big city. - I do, I do. - And is your lady love New York, too? - She loves it, she loves it, so. - From there? - She's from Cape Cod. - Oh, so she just, she grew up in the burbs, and she's like, "That shit freaks me out." - The burbs are weird, 'cause everybody's like the city, and there's a guy jerking off, there's heroin. But the burbs, I feel like I was like (groans) and weird art teachers. - I have to, I figured out like just having lived in so many places and even vacationing in places. You go, "I can be in like a peaceful, tranquil area, but I have to have easy access to a city." In other words, I can't be like six hours from a big city. - No. - I need to be like, it's easy to get to. - Yeah. - Because I also feel out of my mind in a small town. - Totally, those guys who live out in these crazy towns in like Minnesota, and they have to like, go in for groceries one day and get all their shoppin' done and come back, I would, I would go stir crazy. - Yeah, I would too, like even, I think it's a fantasy of like, you know, like the Pacific Northwest. - Yes. - You know, Idaho, kind of-- - Montana. - Yeah, yeah, you go, that's fucking awesome. But then I'm like, I feel like I would, and within a week, I'd be like, all right, we gotta fucking-- - Completely, give me a star box. - Yeah. - 'Cause we all fantasize about that shit, but you still have your thoughts. Like, even if you go to Hawaii, you still got your shitty evil brain up here while you're on that beach chair. And that's the hard part for me. - Yeah. - Your brain telling you. - Yeah, the city like calms that down. - Isn't that weird? - It's weird, it's like-- - But this loud, crazy place makes you feel relaxed. - Yeah, well, I go to bed with a podcast. I can't have the silence, the silence is worse. So I just need some-- - You listen to a podcast. - I just put a podcast on, or I put a earbud in, and I go to bed. - And then it just, how, like, very low volume. - Very low volume. And I go, oh, that's interesting. And I start kind of fading out. - Wow. - But if it's no podcast, it's just like a Japanese game show. - Going on. - Really? - Yeah, it's my childhood, and every stupid thing I said, every mistake I made, every bomb. Oh yeah. That, to me, feels like you shouldn't smoke weed. - I don't smoke weed. - Okay, I don't touch it. - Yeah, that, to me, feels like what you're describing would be exacerbated by weed. - 100%. - Yeah. - Do you do the weed? - Sometimes I do edibles, but I do mild, like, low doses. None of this fucking hundred milligrams shit. No, like, five, 10, where it's like comfortable, but anything more than that starts to get into, like, paranoia and anxiety, and I'm a bad person, and I don't wanna do that. These guys who wake and bake, I'm like, are you nuts? You're starting your day with that shit? That's crazy. - No, what I really want is some more five ants. - Ooh, who's holding? - Fucking psychiatrists. - Is that the, that's like an Adderall. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, that's good stuff. - That's what funk, that, to me, has the best results. - Yes. - Like, 'cause I had to, like, focus, like, you have tasks, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop. - Oh yeah. And you, you know, I'm a lady so funny. You're like, that shit works. Is that his favorite? - Well, I think a lot of guys do the Adderall, then they get to the, you, you cook it up after you, you work your way up to Coke. - Okay. Well, I got, that's a look forward to it. - Yeah. - Yeah. I mean, imagine what you'll, you get so much done. You're quite the entrepreneur. You got the book, the TV show, the booze, the pod, the standup. If you do, uh, Coke. - Man, take over the world. - Yeah. You're gonna be Elon. - Yeah, you guys, give me some Coke. - Yeah. - Look at them, right away, and they're like, I'm holding. - That's Austin. That's tons of Coke here. - There's a lot of Coke here. What does your take on Austin? - I think it's like, if an LA fuck Nashville, you know, it's like, um, it's, it's got, you can feel in the air, like, we all went out drinking the other night and, uh, it feels like LA felt in the '90s, you know? - Yeah. - It's like hot girls and, uh, there's like potential and hope in the industry. Um, but I do think it gets a little groundhog day out here. - Mm-hmm. - You know, you're at the mothership, then you do a pod, then you get drunk, then you have a taco, then you're at the mothership, then you do a pod, then you get drunk, you have a taco. So, uh, I can't, I could never live here. - Yeah. Love to visit. - Love to visit. - Yeah. Well, I leave a lot. - There you go. - Yeah. I think, um, yeah, I like living here, you know, families happy, it's a, it's a really great place to have kids. - Yeah. - But yeah, when you want, you know, something else, yeah, it's just the nice thing is I'm like, all right, cool, flying to L.A. I'm flying to New York, flying to Chicago. - There you go. - Like, go see something else. - That is nice. Yeah, that's the beauty of our job, you know, like, we can just get the fuck out. I love escaping. - Yeah. - Yeah. - You know, people like, you're going to Pekipsi, that sucks. I'm like, I get to wake up at a hotel. - Yeah. - And go to a diner with a, with a headphone in. - Yeah. - That's heaven. - Diners are my dream. - Me too. - I love diners. - Love diners, and now diners are all shitty now because they're all $8 million. You're like, 88 bucks? - I know. - How that happened? I'm gonna die. - Especially if you fucking four bucks for your eggs and bacon. - It's supposed to be me and a couple of blue collar guys and one hobo, sipping a coffee for eight hours and eggs, hash browns, and $11. - Yeah, that is the whole thing. - Yeah. And now they have these diners, like in New York, they have these diners, but they're like, it's like, I identify as a diner. You know, it's like a nice restaurant but they have the old seats and the vinyl, but it's a million bucks. - Is it true, by the way? Did you work as a janitor? - I did, for years. - For years? - Two years. Best job I ever had. - No. - Well, that's not true. But it was like, headphones in. You do your job, you mop, you clean this, you stock that, and-- - What type of place were you doing this at? - Like a high rise in Manhattan, so like a hedge fund place or whatever, and these guys would rent out offices. So I had these a couple floors. They called a porter. That's like the African-American of janitor. But, you know, you took deliveries out, every time that you cleaned a big old miscarriage in the bowl, that was a bummer. But, you know, it was like-- - Did you have like a uniform, like a one-said? - No, no. T-shirt and jeans, but you had to mop, and you had to stock everything and clean, like a lady would be like, "Hey, I have my desk fell apart, can you fix it?" And I didn't know how to do anything, so I'd just be like, "Yeah, sure." And I'd be in there with a screwdriver. And like fused box, I had to learn about that. It was crazy. - And this was a, you could, ideal because you had daytime hours, and then you could-- - Exactly, and I would write in the boiler room, like Goodwill hunting, and it was a great gig. - You ever keep up with anybody from then? - No. - And have you, if you never run into someone who was like, "Hey, you used to like clean?" - No, 'cause these are like hedge fun guys. That's not my world. It was me and this other Mexican guy, and I taught him how to do everything. He was like, he taught me how to fix it, and I taught him how to like, get a bank account, and buy a cell phone and stuff. It's like a weird movie, you know? Like a feel-good movie. He's like, "Yo, essay, you gotta, "you gotta chase a count, show me." So I would like go in there with him. - That's hilarious. - You're like, "Yeah, you shouldn't just keep it in your jacket." - Yeah, you should put it somewhere. - Exactly. So we learned a lot. He's gone now, deported. - Oh, nice. - Yeah. - You know, sweet man, Esteban. - Esteban. - Esteban, if you're out there, don't come back. - But that's the key is those labor job. Move furniture, I worked as a go for on a construction site. That was hell, and a janitor was easy. It's air conditioning, not bad. - Yeah, I was trying to go through like all the gigs I had. - Yeah, what did you do? - I can't imagine you getting dirty. - Oh yeah, well, the first, all right, the first gig was P-A-N, which is what it is on shows. - That's a good gig. - That's a good gig. It can break your back on like, you know what I mean? It's summer, and you're just carrying cables and running, you're just like spent at the end of that. Then I did some other post-production stuff, so I was a post-coordinator. I went to the story department. And then I did logging, you had to log the tapes. - I didn't know you were, you were immersed in like the studio world. - Yeah, that was like, there was a lot of that. I did a pizza place, an hour talk. - Yeah, off Riverside Drive in the Valley. - Okay. - Then I did another pizza slash counter service restaurant place in LA on sunset. That was another gig I had. Then I was a site rep, which is a site rep is like, if you own your house, and you call this company and you go, productions can shoot at my house. Like I want to rent out my house. - Oh, yeah. - Well, when somebody books it, and they go, all right, you're shooting up Mark's house, I have to represent basically you. - Whoa. - So I go there, and I'm like, hey, this is the guy's rules for his house. Like, you know, you can put up this stuff, but you can't nail it to the wall with you's tape. You're kind of like our babysitting a product, 'cause the productions don't fucking care. - Yeah. - If you'll literally be like, just make sure nothing goes on this wall, and they're like, got it. And you walk over here and you go, someone goes, and they just like nail into the wall. - Yeah. - It's like your babysitting productions. - So did you work any freak-offs? Any big house fun stories? - I mean, porno. - Oh, no, I wish. I did, you know, in L.A. in that time, I had like porn neighbors. - Oh, fun. - Yeah, Taylor Rain was my neighbor. - Taylor Rain. - I'm sure that she's-- - Pull her up. - She was my next-door neighbor. If you're listening, Taylor, I wish we would've gotten together. Yeah, we lived at-- - Oh, hey, look at that. - Yeah. - Hey, she's cute. - Oh, yeah, I've seen her. I've seen her with jizz on her forehead. (laughing) - That's her, yeah. - Do you mean a porn star? And you're like, why are you blowing me? What are we doing here? It's kind of like when you meet a person there and you're like, you're a comic? You're not that funny? - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - I feel that way with porn stars. I'm like, well, why are you not licking my ass? - What? (laughing) - Well, you're a porn star. - It's so true. Well, I of course, you know, I recognize her. - Yeah. - Oh, good for you. - And I get like, kind of nervous, right? - Yeah, of course. - I'm also a star. - You're gonna meet me, too. - Oh. - Primo Pornage. - Yeah, and I'm like, I'm like, holy shit, that's Taylor Rain. And I remember one day, we're both parking in the parking garage. She wasn't very like, she wasn't outgoing. - Sure. - She wasn't like, hi. - Yeah. - It wasn't like that, right? So, you know, you're in this Hollywood apartment complex and one day, I park and she parks. And they kind of had this like, I would say security. It was just like, a guy in the jacket. And he was like, I'm putting like, you know, getting stuff out of my car. She's getting stuff out of her car. And we're going towards the elevator. And the guy who like, basically, he does laps around the parking garage to make sure no one's car's getting broken into, I guess. - Something like that. - Nice. - So he's like, hey, I wanna be in the movies. - Oh boy. - And like, I'm like, listening. And she's like, oh yeah? And he's like, yeah, I can like, I can go for hours. And she's like, well, you got to be able to do it with like, cameras and lights. And he's like, hook me up, you know, like hook me up. Let me see. And she's like, yeah, okay, sure. Like write your number down. I'll pass it on to someone. - Yeah. - He was like, well, maybe we could practice. - Oh! - And like, yeah, this is not gonna work out for you. - But then like, sometimes you would see her in the elevator or walk down the hall with like, other porn people. - Whoa. - Because they would hang out together, you know? - Yeah. - And she was a big weed smoker back then. - Whoa! - So they were always, yeah, times of weed. - As a 22 year old, if you're in an elevator with like, other porn stuff, that's gotta be insane. - It is until you like, like, I think it's all individually based personalities. Like, the few times I had interactions, she was kind of kept to herself, you know? - Sure, sure. - She wasn't like, oh, yeah. So it was like, her and her friend, they would hang out and talk and kind of look at you. Hey, and she'd be like, you know? - Yeah, I think they're kind of like comics. - Yeah, yeah. - They're a little broken, they're weird childhood. - And feel comfortable with their own types. - Exactly, exactly. We put ourselves on the line as well as they do to get entertainment, you know? - It would be crazy to like, get off the elevator, we walk down the hall, I go to this room, she walks past that and I look, that's Taylor Rain, and then you just go inside, you pull up Taylor Rain. You're like, oh shit, look at this. - Yeah! - I did that with Stormy Daniels. - Really? - When she was in the news, you're like, yeah, I get to, I'm doing research. - Yeah. - You know, you're like, I see this woman in a courtroom and then you get to see her get raw dog by like eight guys. - It's pretty crazy. - Pretty crazy. - It's pretty cool. - Yeah, it's crazy that Trump was inside, I mean, the whole, imagine Trump on top of her is insane. - It's insane. - Yeah. - Yeah. - Anyone else hard? - You guys hard in there? (laughing) - Yeah, porn stars, they're fun. Would you ever do that AVN? Would you ever host it? I think there was a time where it made like sense for me like with like the standup I was doing and the age. I feel like at this point, it's like there's, it's like any, you know what people are like, hey, would you ever do the daily show? - Right. - You go as an institution and it's great. - Yeah. - But then my next answer is like, there's 10 people better for it. - Yeah. - Good point. - I mean, they're better at it. And I feel like, at this point I'd be like, oh, I would recommend 10 other people to you first. - Yeah, and it's not like you need it. - No, it's, yeah, I mean, yeah, there's a time where it like probably like really is a boost for you. - Sure. - And I think it fits like whatever you're doing. But at this point, I'd be like, I'm fucking the dad with, you know, I'll give you a couple animals. It'll be great. (laughing) We have friends that are wouldn't nail. Would you do it? You'd be great at it, I think. Ah, that's too much work. I mean, what do you mean? Hosted it or yeah, yeah, we're fuck somebody on it. Yeah, what what? No, I would I don't want to host anything you know people are like oh you'd be a good late night guy I'm like that's such a horrible job to me. I don't want to do it You got to talk to snooki. He got to be there every day. You got to wear a suit. It's brutal. I don't want to do that No, this is great. Yeah, we're hungover. We're drinking coffee. Where was where was the drinks last night? Well, we did kill Tony and uh Whatty Harrelson was there, so we all tried to really hang out and impress him. Did he hang out? He hung out. He was that guy. Talk about some weed. Oh yeah, he's I mean, this stuff was I took a whiff of it and it was insane like I wouldn't want to get near it and then he's stay out with you guys Oh, yeah, he stayed there all night. What time did you guys leave? Well, you know, you go to mitzies and it's just a Big big shit show. Uh, I don't know probably got home like Three or four. Oh, that's a late night, dude. We had a late night. Well, you know, are he he can he can go Yeah, he's for a 71 year old man. He can really put them back old sweet old Austin it brings the evil out of you like you live here now But when you when you move when you visit here, it's just it's like uh something in the air You just want to like bring something in the morning. You want to be a friend to rfk, you know when you land here Yeah, something here. You just want to have a taco and shoot a hog out of a helicopter It does kind of bring there's places that bring it out of you. Oh, yeah And but in this town is just so free like when you live in New York It's like very progressive. So then you come here and everybody's like here's a mega hat and a joint and a gun and Kill that a lady trying to get an abortion Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's on the billboard. Yeah, yeah, no porn on the phone here boys. What the hell wild? It's the land of the free, but I can't look up porn hub. You gotta give them your ID. Oh What am I a migrant? Come on. No, it's fucking bullshit bullshit. So I bought a gun. Did you know? I'm just kidding. You want one? I would I would fuck it up. I don't I shouldn't have one really yeah I drink too much and it would just sit there on my coffee table and I would twirl it You know something bad would happen. Yeah. Okay. Probably best. Yeah. Do you have any? I have a few. Yeah. Yeah nice Do you go to the rain sometimes? Yeah, that's fun. Not as often as I want to go But yeah, it's fun. So it's not protection. It's just like I'm having a good time with this Well, I guess it has that benefit But I like the it's such a humbling thing to go and like start and be like got him so bad at this Yeah, and then with like good instructors to you know, it's like anything. It's like a golf swing You go oh shit. This feels better. So it's it's fun like it's a fun practice What about the kids though? You ever gonna show them or yeah, I would rather Take them to like a like a safety course and get them comfortable around it Then to see it as this thing that like oh, maybe we should maybe we shouldn't and then not know what they're doing like I'd rather have them feel like they have tremendous respect for this device and what it can do Yeah, I'm like know how to do it then to just be like no, and you just never because you know that they're gonna pick one up one day So I know I know yeah, I'd rather teach them. Yes, this morning my six rule was like when are we getting guns? Whoa He's going in there. I go we got I go I got to talk to a guy. We got to get you into a class He's like come on man. Come on. Is this the one that's like you? Yeah, he's like come on man. Yeah, come on Give me that fucking pistol take the sleep mask off and give me a gun All right, um, we got to run but Don't forget to watch we might be drunk Tuesdays with stories of course check out mark on the road. Are you doing dates now? All day long. I got a million dates. Go to punch up marked on the comedy.com. I've been Rochester and Portchester and San Jose and Eugene, Oregon and Dallas. It's it. I'll be don't be coming to your your dad There you go. He's one of the best out there go get tickets go see him live listen to the podcast Thank you for coming man. I'm good to see you too comedy Tom tells stories and birds the machine. There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep it clean Here's what we call to bears one cave