Mark Normand and Jon Rudnitsky (THE SLEEPOVER SERIES)

This episode is sponsored by Helix Sleep. If you go to helixsleep.com, you take their sleep quiz. It takes like a minute. Are you a back sleeper? Are you a back or side sleeper? Side. Same? Funny you ask, okay? Thanks. Because I used to be a side sleeper all my life, but the last three weeks, both my sides hurt. I forced to sleep on my back, and I never could, and I'm doing it now. And the only reason I'm doing it now is because I'm on a Helix mattress. Also, I've told you about this. Are you putting a pillow under your legs? No. I'm telling you, Dad. Put pillows under your legs. It puts pressure off your lower back. I love Helix mattresses. They will mail the mattress to you. Aunt Lauren has one. Right. Teddy got one. Teddy got one. We got one here and in the guest room. We got one here and the guest room. People are loving their Helix. Mark, if you want to try one at your place, you get a 120-day money-back guarantee. Go to helixsleep.com slash TISO for 20% off site-wide. 20% site-wide. That's helixsleep.com slash TISO. helixsleep.com slash TISO for 20% off site-wide. You know what I mean. What's the site? Do it. Helix Sleep. Helixsleep.com slash TISO for 20% off the site. That's when you said, obviously, that I got pissed. Okay. You know. Well, you said you're more than welcome to come. That's an invitation. I don't know. I understand how that's an invitation. I understand how it can be taken as an invitation. But when you said you're more than welcome to come. Yeah. And you're like, but you're with, and I don't want to put you on blast, but if you're with somebody, I'm like, oh, well, if you want to be alone, that's okay. I wanted you there. I was excited about the walk. When I said, I would love to, but if you want to be alone, that's okay. And you never responded. That's because I started helping somebody. Right. So in my head, it's like, oh, you're like, hey, you're more than welcome if you want, but I'm with somebody. I see. I see. And I say, yeah, you know, do you want to be alone? When you don't respond, of course, I'm not just going to show up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right, fine. Obviously. No, no. I'm still upset about obviously. Okay. I understand. You understand that that's a little cunty. I understand that it's condescending, yes. Yeah. Yeah. So don't be cunty with me. Don't say that you're more than welcome to come, but, and then when I say, are you sure? No, but. Okay. Well, then why are you dating her? I, I obviously, I wouldn't have invited you if I didn't want you to come over. Okay. Oh, I, I, I last text was let's chalk up to a miscommunication. Yeah, I agree. Okay. And it could be Mrs. Communication if you do it a little bit better next time, obviously. Welcome back to another episode of the sleepover series. Take your shoes off with John Renitsky and another special guest who is looking for snacks. I think Mark Norman. We are currently in the focusing stage. I think that looks nice, but I'll tell you something. I'm going to want to, uh, because I'm over here, move this camera a bit this way, please. Let me get him sat if that's okay. Yeah. Yeah. This podcast is sponsored by Squarespace. Iris, have you ever been to rickglassman.com? Every day after school. Well, did you know that my website is sponsored by Squarespace? You could check out squarespace.com slash Tyso for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, use offer code T Y S O to save 10% off your free trial. First purchase of a website or domain that's called Tyso. Yup. To save 10% off first purchase of a website or domain. Uncle Ricky, I want to see you do stand up. Everyone wants to see uncle Ricky do stand up. Sweetie. In fact, I went to see him this week at the comedy store. Main room crushed, annihilated applause, breaks fit right in. Do you think he had a hard time following legends such as Dane cook and Jay Leno? No, Rick, you crushed man. It was the best set I've seen you do sincerely. Thank you. I've been on. I wrote a lot and I've been, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm getting, I'm getting ready. Like I'm thinking about trying to come up with a date to fill my special. I've been working on this, this set for over a couple of years now. And I guess it's fair to say that Ricky's on the loose right now. I'm going to be in Vegas, 12th and 13th, Phoenix, Arizona, January nine, 10 and 11 and Cleveland, Ohio, May 1st and second. I'm adding a lot more dates soon. I don't have them yet, but if you want to find out where I'm going to be and also sign up for my email list, I do not spam you. I'm only going to email you to let you know if I'm coming within 50 miles of your city. So sign up for this just to find out if I'm going to come to your city. Go to punchup.live slash Rick Glassman. Don't walk. That's punchup.live slash Rick Glassman to find out when I'm coming to your city. Hey, oh, that's a full cup of juice there. Hey, dog. What's the dog's name again? Reba? Reba. McIntyre. That's Reba. Reba. John, can you come on in so we can focus here? Are we going sunglasses on? Oh, I would have brought some. The Hangover. Good movie. The dog looks smaller. What's that? Looks smaller somehow. Yeah, I don't think he is, but yeah, maybe. Man, I should have brought some. These are transitions. I could go outside for a little bit. Oh, there you go. Sounds good. Left these puppies in an Uber yesterday. That was an ordeal. Cost you 20 bucks to get them back? You got it. At least you got them back. I got them back. I got them back. Well, just for the time being, let's bring that microphone to you in case. This dog is a real PDA. Hey. So I invited you two here together to squash your beef. We'll get into it in a second. Oh, jeez. A couple of New York guys doing this LA. The thing about the difference between LA podcasts and New York podcasts are LA podcasts, they're just always just like talking about bullshit. Yeah. And New York, it's like. You know, it's like real. And I don't know if you guys are doing me a favor, but it feels like it. So thank you. It feels like it for me, too. You think I'm doing you a favor? I'm doing you a favor. I came straight from the Amtrak here. I feel like I'm in Auschwitz right off the train. I feel like you don't have a great understanding of what happened. This is worse than Auschwitz. Yeah, that looks great. Are we getting all this? This is good stuff. Come on, Mike. Well, keep it in. Oh, all right. Great. Doing you a favor. I think this is a favor to me. Thank you. Because I'm not really on a lot of podcasts. Oh, why not? I don't know. Nobody really asks me that often. What about getting them on You Might Be Drunk? All right, we're down. We might be drunk. You just, nobody has to say that now. Oh, interesting. Obviously, it's nice to check in when somebody invites you somewhere, says you're more than welcome. Right. And then goes cold. If he says you're more than welcome to come on. Come on. And then you don't show up. You're not wrong. I just didn't like the, I didn't like your cunty tone. You had a cunty tone. And I didn't love it. Well, Reba McIntyre has a country tone. Did you hear what I said? I liked it. Okay, I wasn't sure. That's why I giggled. You're not wearing headphones. I'm blind, not deaf. So. Gay Charles. What'd you say? Gay Charles. Why are you upset with me? I'm not upset with anybody. What is this? What is happening? I feel like we're all in trouble. I know. Boy, this dog is a real whore. So, Mark and I had plans to do this about a week ago or so. And I checked in. I'm like, are you still good for 12? And he goes, I don't get in until 1.30. I said, why did you say 12? And you said, because I'm a people pleaser and a loser or something. I can't say no. That makes me really happy. Yeah. To hear that. But you can't say no. I totally get that. Which is a people pleaser. But had I showed up at noon without confirming. You're right. So, we did the same thing today. Mark and I kind of did the same exact thing to you. I didn't feel like anything was done to me. I was just confirming. You feel like something was done to you, obviously. I just feel like we need to communicate so everyone gets here at the right time. Do you want to tell Mark what happened? He don't think it's worth. Yeah, please. What are you guys are bickering? Like a couple of eebs. It's not even worth it. But this helps me. I'm dying to hear. This helps me to hear this. That, you know, the people pleasing thing. You have this. Oh, that's a real problem. Do all comedians have this? No. No. Some are very confrontational and cunty. You're not people pleasing. I think people pleasing is selfish. Interesting. Yeah. How so? I get that. Well, thanks for making things easier for me. Then I had to reschedule stuff. Ah. I think that when people are people pleasing, they're doing it because they're scared that the other person is going to look at them as being difficult and they're actually making it about themselves while they think they're making it about the person they're trying to please. Totally. Interesting. Well said. Forrest Whitaker. Forrest Whitaker said that. No. I was trying to change the subject. Oh. Great actor. He's got a lazy eye. Yeah. Well, you know. Can't win them all. So anything you guys want to plug? Well, lazy eye. That's a term you think would have gone away by now. Everything is like, you know, very insensitive, whatever. Lazy eye. Still out there. I don't think lazy is considered derogatory, unless you say before the word immigrant. Ah, or a couple races. Which? Rattle them off. I'd say lazy black. See, this is the New York comedy stuff I'm talking about. The L.A. comedy is like, oh, you don't want to say that. I might not be able to get on my next sitcom. I fucking, see, I'm more in the middle. I'm like a Midwest comic. You are Cleveland, right? Yeah. Yeah, Cleveland guy. Yeah. Cleveland rocks. I like to say gay, but I also like to say not gay. Right. Oh. you know yeah and lazy gay yeah lazy gay's fine you don't meet a lot of lazy no very very good work ethic the gay good work ethic they decorate they fucking the work out that takes a lot of work that's working out work yeah that is powerful do you feel speaking of ass do you feel comfortable getting into the conversation that uh and we could take any of this out that you told me yesterday about you how you're looking for somebody that you could make a commitment to and want to eat their ass oh sure have you met reba so john has a hard time settling down but he also has allowed himself to believe that he wants to settle down and i think it's a it's a it's a problem of too many options my dad says that marshall rudd gallery shortened the showroom and i feel this way as a as a as a when i'm buying as well like if i go in i was just looking at mattresses the other day right go ahead and boy am i tired and i am that cleveland stuff and i'm like you know what i have an idea of what i like yeah great i don't need to sit on everything right i've always said that have you yeah i don't just sit on everything well so call it your social life i'm sorry you go ahead sorry i'm a lazy gay problem with johnny is uh you you've got a quite a resume of of tail you've done quite well with the horse i mean have you seen his uh list of gals it's very impressive wow wow he's like a jewish pete davidson let's cut to the clip yes we're just doing a montage of clam but so i guess we could cut to the clip hey aura that's what they do in africa oh see new york comics talk about general mutilation this is what i'm talking about raising awareness um which is what i call my penis hey raise yeah was it nick cage sink ship i don't need to sit on everything what were you saying nick cage we don't have to get into ice i don't get it but i was talking about raising arizona oh oh were you saying because of cages yeah you're so new york kids there's a stretch how can we even a john and we might be drunk i know you never asked i would love to be on all right i'm not i'm not big on asking to be on things rick rick rick always asks me and that's very nice and and i think it's particularly nice because i get the lowest views oh really well i'm glad you're on this app so you guys are doing me the favor you know i think that we at least you could connect with this part of our lifestyle is having having a conversation on camera once a week yes and i try and hang out i try and do that with like if i'm gonna do this let me like make monetize it well absolutely but let me make it my part of like let me enjoy it like i want to have friends on i want to friends on but do you think it's the same conversation that you and i would be having if we weren't on camera that's the goal that's the only reason it might not be is more so because of you because some people not mark you're the man you'll say the n-word today but you do stuff and then you're like that's my thing you know i wrote for kramer okay so you mean michael richards yeah see that's la comedy that had some edge why because i said the actor's name no because you said uh new york comics or will say anything you know what did i say that was edgy was it no michael richards was at the laugh factory right but that's a new york guy the show took place in new york that's true but it was filmed in la yeah all right you guys are friends i can leave now right no we need you to keep the views low i was i was nervous when you told me mark was coming i didn't know how i would fit into the dynamic you know what i mean here no doubt about it i was nervous when you told me mark was coming i didn't know how i would fit into the dynamic but you know me i'm overthinking no you're spot on there's no dynamic no it's more of a bi-namic is that alvin go ahead huh should we start the whole thing over no this is him this is what he does dude this is gold it's gold this is what he does this is an snl no other shots yeah i don't know i would say this feels like snl i feel like i'm blowing it hey did you did you know that he was on snl not a lot of people know that of course yeah not a lot of people know that that is true well how long was your including lauren michaels i would imagine honestly i saw him in central park a few months ago and i said hello and he said we'll have a diet coke thanks yeah yeah he didn't acknowledge me you said hello and he ignored you he was like but i i think he just thought i was like a rando a rando i think even if i told him who i was he wouldn't quite know how many times have you met him is that brooks wheelan yeah i or luke null i don't think he would know the difference yeah i don't think you would know the difference null and void i met him when i interviewed for the show and then i didn't talk to him for the rest of the year hello john where have you ever met him yeah at an snl after party did you audition for it no i can't act i can't do characters i stink but i met him at a party his hands are huge big hands big mitts on that jew yeah canadian big what are you thinking right now they just uh won this the world series i'm um i'm a bit smitten with you uh-oh and i don't know if i've been before oh you're finding him really handsome no i mean that's not what i mean over this hunk look at that mug uh this isn't about about looks here i'm just saying like the energy that you have right now with the sunglasses and also because you're i'm putting mine back on you could have you have somebody else here too so you could you could be here a lot better i like it and yeah there's like you're i'm seeing you as a very you seem very cool oh that's a first i'm hung over that helps jinx man you guys should be on we might be drunk together what do you think do you know sam morel do you call him sam morel or do you call him sam or do you call him sam morel i call him mr samuel he's we're very have a formal relationship mr samuel no i call him sam what are you what are you talking about why would i call him his full name i was really asking how do you pronounce morel oh you got it that was it are you guys friends me and sam yeah friendly you know i'm friendly with mark we don't have each other's numbers but whenever i say whenever i see him it's always very nice we had a steak dinner the other night that's true so it's a little a little bit better than lauren michaels but not as quite as good yeah exactly yeah as who but mark and sam the and and all these guys they're like a class above me you know you feel like they're the varsity i'm just i'm i'm i'm excited that they're nice to me oh you were on tv we weren't on tv i know but what does that mean i was on snl for one season what's that audition like was it scary yeah it was it was it was terrifying it's like you know there's 11 people there you can barely hear them sounds like my show last night yeah that's most shows for me that's the most terrifying thing are the the table reads i bombed it all the tail most oh really yeah well might have been the bad jokes yeah that was probably it you know did you not have a good turnout in baltimore or were you just joking around probably sold out huh we sold out yeah we come on me and the people the good people of maryland i say we like when somebody asked what what the breed is for alvin i say we think he's a chihuahua and a pug and there isn't i don't have a we i just i say we i like we we yeah sweet you ever play we yeah i used to wait in line and buy them um to sell them on ebay and after fees make like 25 bucks a pop and it took me i was waiting in line for you know five six hours that's worth it i was young i see you were flipping wheeze do you still play video games i don't have time with all the time i spend on screens for the podcast and what do you do like at the end of the day to kind of calm down you're getting good at this go ahead it's the glasses um the end of the day to calm down coming on our show i appreciate it gonna be here and we might be hung over watch tv i put my phone away from me also another screen yes but there's a big difference between a screen that's far away that's that's that's that has a narrative being sent to me that i'm not controlling good point sorry little semen little semen or little sleeping semen oh but you've got enough sleep no no because all the semen yes keeps you up it's like a stimulant so you're saying that because you got no sleep and you're not sleeping you're not sleeping you're not sleeping you're not you swallowed so much semen you had a cough just now i was uh clear my throat from all the jism that's still in your throat from last night well it's hard to understand here yeah he's got a ton of jizz in his throat and as a result he didn't get great sleep thank you this is the dynamic i'm looking for oh yeah we should start it right now all right cool john renitsky from snl and from that movie with reese witherspoon nice to meet you whoa mark norman legally blonde no uh sweet home alabama home again you're not gonna know it's called home again would you call me okay i heard homo yeah twice that's what kept me up last night yeah again but at the end of the day you know tv a little cbd some doggies and i'll tell you something i've been masturbating like it's going in style and i want to fit in uh-huh okay yeah yeah prove it so that's what you're doing before bed um before bed in bed after bed ever midday ever midday do you eat lunch yes yes jizz all right sometimes i'll i'll uh i'll just i told you this the other day sometimes you're not even hungry you just look in the fridge yeah like i bet you i could find something I want to eat. Sure. I'll sometimes just throw on some porn or think about something cool that happened and be like, I bet you I could. Yes. I'd do the same thing. Yeah. Photo album. You're turning on the porn while you're like making a sandwich? No, it was a metaphor. I'm saying like, I could be, I could get myself horny the same way I could get myself hungry. And I think I'm doing it because I'm chasing the dopamine. Of course. So like that's why I don't want to have treats in the house. Right. I could always go get a treat. But your penis is always there. But I'm trying to do the same thing. Like sometimes I'll be like, let me put on some porn or let me you know, like sometimes maybe somebody will text me something a little a little. Sure. A little. Yeah. And I could, even if I'm not interested in it, even if I'm not hungry, I could be like, I could, maybe I could turn this into like, you know, meal prep. Ah. Get something for like, you know. Ah, okay. It's interesting that you're trying to kind of seduce yourself. I'm trying to come less. Yeah. I'm kind of the opposite. But I'm not jacking off for fun anymore. I'm jacking off out of sheer fear. Just so you don't kill people. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just out of myself. Right. Just out of panic. There's a devil inside of me that I need to get out. I get it. I get it. I don't know what else to do with my anxiety. So I have to jack off. Do you feel better after? Kind of. I'm sweating my heart's out of my chest. How are you doing? Why are you, what's happening that you're getting so, are you running up the stairs while you come? I think he's running from police at the playground. I don't know. It just feels more effortful these days. It's got to be hard to jerk off and run. Imagine that. That's tough. Yeah, exactly. So you seem to connect with some of what John is saying, but maybe not all of it with the police stuff. Uh-huh. Will you talk to me about your masturbation? I get all horned up on a plane or a bus or a family reunion and I got to just run home and knock it out that I feel sane again. Yeah. Is it a solo sport a lot of the time? Uh, hopefully. Hopefully there's not a guy under the bed. Well, I'm saying, do you, do you, sometimes when you get horny, do you look for your wife? Uh, nah, it's a whole different thing. I think it's good to separate the jerking and the banging. Go on. Well, the banging is a communal thing. Wait, I'm so sorry to interrupt, but I'm going to ask you to do this and try and deliver it as if this were a bit that you've already done a few times. Okay. What's the deal with banging? There's a big difference between banging and jerking. Uh, jerking is, is a private thing alone that you have. It's a me time and banging is she time. Love it. Print. Okay. Cut and print. It makes me think of comedians in cars with, with Jerry and, and, uh, Larry where they're talking the difference between a cigarette and a cigar. And he goes, a cigarette is, is anxious. A cigarette is you go outside, you bum a cigarette, you gotta do it really quick. You smoke it and you just want to get back inside. And cigar is contemplative and it's just, you're sitting there and you're relaxed. Yeah. You have time. You're pontificating. Yeah. Yeah. That was a fun one. Yeah. I saw Jerry the other night at Gotham. How was that? It's great. He had some new stuff. It was exciting. Wow. That's cool. Yeah. He, he was in Paris with Sam. I saw a photo two days later, I see him at Gotham. So he just got back and had the itch to get right on. What was he doing with Sam? Are they touring together? They were both in Paris randomly and they met up. Wow. Sam's friends with Seinfeld and Sandler. I know the big heaps. That's very cool. Go ahead. My question is, you have Jerry's money. I don't. I know. I'm saying if you did. Oh, okay. If you did. Are you coming home from Paris and going right to Gotham? Or are you going to the Hamptons and calling it a day? Well, to me it's not about the money. Yeah. Because even if you have money, you still want to do stuff. You have the itch. Yeah. You have the itch. Yeah. So I would probably, yeah, I'd probably do it. You'd do the same thing. And he probably has it easy. Flies in on a jet, then he gets a black car to pick him up and bring him right to Gotham. It doesn't really matter what kind of car it is, but I understand. Well, it was late. But, yeah, he gets a limo, brings him right to Gotham, pops up. Doesn't really matter what the driver's name is. Jay Limo. But, yeah. So, I'm just saying, it's probably we land at JFK, we gotta get ass raped at Customs, and then you go get on the D train. I ask for that, though. I prefer that. Yeah. Yeah. What boarding group were you? One. You never know. Wait, I don't understand. Yeah, I'm just curious. Have you ever been not boarding group one? Yeah, of course. All the time. Like two days ago. Almost never. When you check in. I don't know what's going on, but I travel constantly in my boarding group. When you check in, do you say, hey, do you give the person who's checking you in a chocolate bar and say, would you mind making me group one, please? You don't do that? No, should I do that? Yeah. Okay. Interesting. Do you mind making. and go like this. Do you mind making me group one, please? Oh, I see what you're doing. Why? What am I doing? I don't know what I'm doing. You're just pretending to be special. No, I was pretending to be really nervous about it. Oh, okay. Same thing. Interesting. That's appropriation. Pretending to be retarded. Yeah. I think that when you're nervous that people are like, let me help you. It's kind of like when you see a baby bird. You puke in its mouth. Yeah, so when you see a big bird, you know, you eat it. Right, or put it on Sesame Street. We'll be right back after a word from our sponsors. How do you get there, anyway? Can you tell me? I don't know any more of the lyrics. I love what you're doing. I wanted to, like, continue it in conversation. All right, well, tickle me, Elmo. You go down 45th and Main. You know, what, can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street? And then what? Sunny days, take a look in the cloud. Gaze away. Suckin' them every day. That's the Sesame Street way. Whap. So if you're JV and he's Varsity, who else is JV? Oh, boy. JV Vance? I want to see you guys on this show together, and I want you, and I want, like, and then I feel like what's going to happen is once you go on their show, then people are going to be like, who, because people didn't just, people, like, nobody watches my, nobody cares about this podcast. No, it's in L.A. It's not true. You have Paul Rudd on, you have Kristen Bell, then I come on and I fuck it up. If it was just the two of you, you'd be good. It's a wild episode that I'm surprised he hasn't asked me to take down, to be honest with you. Is that right? Uh-huh. Wow. Is there any more person besides you, maybe, that's hiding their Judaism more than Rudd? Well, the same last name. We have the same last name. He changed it? Yeah. From Rudnitsky. Whoa! Is that Polish? Yeah, Russian-Polish. Whoa. Jew, Jew. Look at you. You're you, Emilio Estevez, his sheen. That's right. I'm leaning into it. I'm re-watching West Wing. Hey! So, can I hang out with you guys? Sure. Not at all. Are you watching Sheen, Doc? Not yet. So good. It's fun. Awesome. He did enough crack for two and a half men. Wow. How about that? Hey. Mark. You're the man. I'll see you all in hell. All right. Thanks for coming, bud. Anything you want to plug? I will need some water. Can I go get some water? I can have that? Wow. Thank you. We're both hungover. Were you drinking last night? No, but two nights ago, I still didn't really recover. I remember. Oh, get out of here. Two nights ago. No, Rick saw me yesterday and he said, you look like a Neanderthal. You looked different. Your brow was furrowed in a way that made it look like. You said, you know, you're a handsome guy most of the time, but right now you look like a Neanderthal who's disgruntled. I said, you're a handsome guy and you look different right now. How many drinks did you have? It looks like you drank more than what your body wants you to have. I look like Mickey Rourke in the morning, whether I drank or not. Like, my face is very. You had five drinks and it looked like you should have stopped at three. Yeah. Ouch. Yeah. Just four. I had a seven. A 7.30 show, a 9.30 show, and then a 2 a.m. show. Ooh. It's like you kind of have to drink. You kind of have to keep going, yeah. You have to keep going. What about taking a Magic Mind? Okay. Oh, is that a sponsor? I like that. Actually, you promoting Magic Mind does pop up on my feed a lot. It can't. And maybe it did a little bit ago. It did. Yeah, they. I'm not going to get into it, but I'm not Shane Gillis, but they offered me a fair amount of. of money to do something that I didn't do because I didn't want it popping up on everybody's thing. Although, I believe in the company so much, I literally invested into it. I took one right before this. I fucking love it. I just don't want to be out there doing it all the time like that, so I stopped. Does it help you? It's amazing. Can I try one? Yeah, I'll have them send you some. What are we talking, like a stimulant? It's caffeine, but it's not as much as coffee. They make extra strength you'll probably need. Yeah. I just. It has other stuff in it, like, I don't know, L-theanine, and I don't know. I never say it right, but ashkawanga. Oh, yeah, yeah. But it's just stuff where, like, coffee, I haven't had coffee in years. Coffee, one out of every 10, 15 times, I feel anxious and bad. Yeah, sure. It doesn't always happen, but it was enough to where it's like, this isn't worth it. I was just relying on this drug. Magic Mine is just caffeine that doesn't make me feel bad, but it also doesn't get me up the way that does. Yeah, because I'm freaking out, then I drink the coffee, still tired, but now freaking out more. That's how I feel about. - I'm talking about booze. - Ah. - Sweating. - That's how I feel about the booze. I wouldn't call it a day. That's why you guys got to get into weed, dude. Weed gives me a panic attack, too, but I'll do it anyhow. Oh, I love weed. I would be high constantly if I ate better. But you only eat it, right? You don't smoke it. Right. I'm so jealous of you weed guys. Because it makes you anxious? It makes me a mess. I can't interact socially. Have you tried microdosing? No. I just take a couple hits, and then I hate myself. A couple hits? Yeah. Take a half a hit. Half a hit? You can do that? Yeah. You know what you can even do is take the joint from somebody, and while it's going out of the end, just go over to that. Suck that up a little bit. Just get a little taste. A couple hits. The old Chris Brown. Yeah. He doesn't smoke that much. I don't get what you're saying. I see. I feel like you do. Yeah. I'm just playing dumb here. Boy, that dog is real comfy, huh? Yeah. I have some with me now. I would love to. I want to give you a tiny little. Weed? I want to give you such a small amount that I honestly don't believe you'll feel anything. Well, then what's the point? Because next time, you'll have the confidence to try double that. I see. How do you feel about that? I'm nervous. So you're going to keep dosing, Mark, the one time a month you see each other? That's my suggestion, yes. Yeah. I don't know. Every time I do weed, I regret it. What are you doing after this? Going to see my child. Okay. So let's break the mold here. Yeah. And have you do weed once. With me, that you won't regret it, and you probably won't feel anything. All right. Well, let's save it. Maybe not today. He's got to go see his child. Yeah. He always does. That's his life. That's a good point. He was just doing that to kind of like play defense to not wanting to have the weed. Best thing about having a kid. You get out of everything. Sorry, I have a kid. Everything. Even my marriage. Yeah. So I should do it. You should do it. It's a good time. Does that work better than saying I have a stomach ache? Yes. Give me an example of I have a kid works better than I have a stomach ache. Stomach ache. It's out. You can do anything with a stomach ache. You're not Jewish. Yeah, this is a good reason I get married and have a kid. Oh, yeah. Because I never have a good excuse. Especially if I have friends who have kids, and they're like, what do you have to do? You know? You can't get out of anything. What was a time recently that you needed an excuse and you didn't come up with one? So you did the thing. This podcast. Well, you know. You're the man. This episode is sponsored by Squarespace. Now, Iris, you said you go to my website every day after school. Is that correct? Yeah. What do you like about it? It's really beautiful. It seems like it was really hard to make. What do you mean? Why does it look like it was hard to make? Well, just all of the pictures and the way it's organized. So you like the layout of what? Just the store? Or do you like all the pages? I'm all about the tour dates, bro. You like my tour dates. Very cool. Are you old enough to get into one of my shows? Rick, I'm 47. Oh, right. What do you know about Squarespace? I know it's an all-in-one. It's an all-in-one website platform. Designed to help you stand out and succeed online. So Squarespace is sponsoring this episode, but truly, I've been using them for years, way before they were a sponsor of this podcast. I looked at different places, and I don't know. I just landed on Squarespace. I bet it cost an arm and a leg. You'd be surprised, Iris. Are you only saying that because you recently signed up for a website platform that cost a lot of money? Let's just say it cost me more than this leg. Inflation is killing me. Squarespace makes it easy to showcase your expertise. And engage customers. And clients. With video content on your website. Go to squarespace.com slash TISO for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch. Use offer code TISO. That's T-Y-S-O to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. That's squarespace.com slash TISO. And when you're ready to launch, use offer code. TISO. TISO, that's right. To save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Side. Same? Funny you ask, okay? Thanks. Because I used to be a side sleeper all my life. But the last three weeks, both my sides hurt. I've forced to sleep on my back. And I never could. And I'm doing it now. No. They will mail the mattress, Aunt Lauren has one. Teddy got one. Teddy got one. 20% site-wide. What's the site? Do it. This girl wanted to hang out the other night. And I was very honest. I was very honest with her and I told her. Wait, is it? Because I was going to make an excuse. Is this after we talked yesterday? Yeah. I was going to make an excuse. And then I just said, you know what? I started seeing somebody I'd feel a little guilty if I did. Hey. And she was like, oh, why the fuck did you feel the need to tell me that? Really? Yeah. And I thought she might say that. And I was like, oh, that's just me trying to be transparent. She goes, I don't want to date you. And I go, I get that. But I just. Now I know that. And now you know this. But I just would feel better about saying that than making up some excuse and doing that every few days until eventually I'd be like, this guy's a fucking flake. Where'd you get that idea? I got it from you. But it was a big thing for me because it was me trying to not be a people pleaser. Sure. Good for you. I mean, maybe there was a people pleasing element to it. Yeah. But if you're seeing somebody, you're seeing somebody. Or was that a lie? No, it's true. I mean, we're not exclusive, but it just felt like I don't want the anxiety. Then have a magic mind, dude. Nice. Taking one. I'll take one. I think that when in doubt with everything, including using your turning signal, if you're turning left and there's only a left and you put your turning signal on, you're not going to hurt anybody. Right. Oh, I knew it was left. I knew you were going left. You ever have somebody in the car, you're driving or you're not driving and you see a cop or a bike is going through or there's something you're like, hey, heads up, there's a deer. And then the driver goes, I see it. Yeah. Okay. I wasn't saying, I bet you don't see this deer. Right. Right. You did the right thing. That should be enough to know that. And you don't need to be. Obviously. That's what we call a peeve in the business. I almost named him that. Peeve? My pet peeve. Hey, Peeve Harvey. I don't know about this peeve in the business. Is this a thing? Yeah. Yeah. We might be drunk. One day you'll maybe get on it. We do peeves, a little section of the pod. Right. I know that. I got a good one for you. You ready for this? Let's go. How about these restaurants that say, hey, we close at 10. You show up at 941 and they go, oh, we're wrapping it up. Sorry. And you go, it says 10. Then say 941. Then say 941. You know what it is? These kooks want to go home early. They want to walk out the door at 10. Yeah. I understand. I don't subscribe to that as a peeve. What? Because if you say it closes at 940, then a lot of people are going to be thinking. Oh, we can't show up at 930. They close in 10 minutes. Yes. There's an understanding of like if something closes at 10, if you're just going in there for a drink or dessert, fine. But if you're going to use the grill. What about a Chipotle? That's where it was. Yeah, that's. Wait a minute. That is different. That's what I'm saying. You went into a Chipotle 19 minutes before they're scheduled for closing and they didn't. They already were wrapping everything up. I pushed through and they. They begrudgingly served me, but she was pissed. If you said which Chipotle it is, you could really. Yeah. Right now, but you might not want to do that. I don't. Yeah. I don't want to bother anybody. It was Union Square. But yeah, she was huffing and puffing and I got an angry scoop on everything. Is an angry scoop mean small? No, just aggressive. A plop off. Yeah. Plopping and plopping. Yeah. It was bad. It was tense. And then I fumbled with my wallet because I was so nervous. Which actually took longer. So that hurt her. But Chipotle's not even good anymore, is it? Oh, it's good. Chipotle. I love it. I had it yesterday. Yeah. Chipotle's good. Chipotle's good. Chipotle's good. Okay. What do you get? Oh, boy. I go a little bit of whitey, black bean for diversity, chicken, peppers, all the salsas, no sour, corn, guac, and just a hint of lettuce. Cheese? No. Who needs it? Burrito or bowl? Bowl. Bowl. Sounds like a bowl, dude. Yeah. Big bowl guy. Big bowl guy. Do you ever get taco shells on the side to make tacos out of your bowl? No, no, no. What am I, cooking dinner? I'm eating the bowl. I'm not making things. No chips. So you're eating it with a spoon? Fork? Fork. I don't like the wrap because it's a stress test. You're just like, that part's falling off. I got to go. I got to eat it out over here. Yeah. I feel like I always have to eat the burrito in a shameful sort of way. Yeah. I got to be alone. It's similar with an ice cream cone. You know, you're always like, oh, it's slipping over here, and you're licking and licking. Yeah, I just need to be over a trash can. Nobody can look at this. You know, I find a good way to eat an ice cream cone is to go. Sorry about that. Sorry, go ahead. Go ahead. Is to every lick be where the cone and the ice cream meet. You're always just licking around that. The little. Where it would be dripping down. Kind of like on a dickhead. Yes. The rim. Yeah. The crown. Yeah. So you just, oh, you hit that over and over. Yeah. Interesting. Yeah. And as that goes in, you then have like a. Concave. You have a, what do you call it? The bottom of a sink. A drain for it to go in the cone. Oh. And nothing ever slips down. You don't get yourself overwhelmed. Oh, it's too much because you're always just going around it. Whoa. It sounds like a lot of work. It might sound like that to you. But are you even enjoying yourself? Or are you just trying to calculate that? Am I enjoying eating my ice cream cone while picturing sucking a cock? Why don't you answer the question, friend? Yeah. Two desserts. I'm enjoying hearing about it. Now you get what I did last night while my throat's full. We're all coming together on this. Get it? At the same time, I do. Okay. I did Bell House Theater last night. And let me tell you something. One of my favorite places I've ever performed. That's a beautiful room. Yeah. It's great. And the crowds are always really good because they're comedy fans, it feels like. Yeah, it was fantastic. Standing room only, you were a little upset about that. I wasn't upset. I just was feeling that I don't know if people will enjoy it as much standing. And I think, I mean, it was, it was. Hot? Yeah, it was great. Was this an hour set or are you doing a quick 15? Yeah, I'm trying to get my special together. I'm getting really close. All right. That's cool. I'm really excited. I've been doing this since 2007. Oh. And not this act. Oh. I'm saying stand up. I've never put a special out. What? I've always done stuff and then I'm like, okay, I'm done with it. And then I'm done with it. And I never like kept building this, an act that I wanted to like really work on for years. Yeah. And I'm doing it and I feel so like, I feel good at this. And I've never, I always felt like I will be good at this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I never felt I was good at this. Yes. In the past couple of years, I'm like, I'm, and I still don't know if I am. I'm just telling you my, I feel like I am. That's a good feeling. I totally relate to that. I'm always like, last two, three years, I'm like, oh yeah, I feel very confident. I always felt confident at this thing and I always felt like an imposter. And now if I watch something I did a year ago, I'm like, well, I can't believe I did that. John just picture locked a special. Are we allowed to announce this? You can announce that. Picture locked it a couple of days ago. Now, what does that mean? Picture locked it. Oh, let me explain it in New York terms. He was smoking a cigarette and he's like, fuck it, I'm done. I ain't doing any more editing. Let's color it in sound mixes, bitch. Got it. Okay. So I still don't understand. So I made a movie. You made a movie? Okay. So it's like a special with a narrative. So it's like me at 25 on SNL and then I get fired. And then 10 years later, I'm at the Kenosha Comedy Club in a conference room at the Wyndham Gardens. Oh, fun. And so, you know, my special cuts between me and a lot of empty seats. Oh, wow. You know, but it like takes place all over the country, like on my shitty tour. There is jokes in it. Yeah, there's there's bits. And then there'll be like Doc. Oh, that's cool. You know, driving to the show. I love that. Calculating the money that I'm losing. That's great. And all that. I can't wait. And picture lock means there's no more editing of content. This is what it is. So you could go through the sound mix. You could do the color. It's this lock now. Got it. They could use the picture lock of the Louvre. Hey, now. Dude. Mark. Anything here? I can't. I don't have headphones on. I have to imagine I picked it up. Okay. Just checking. I loved it. But hey, congrats. What are we talking? Where are we going to put this puppy? We're going to try to sell it? Yeah, we're going to try to sell it. Well, I submitted it to Film Festival. Hey, la-di-da. So I think it would be like a cool way to go. We'll see. John Arnitsky, the indie darling of New York. Yeah. We're trying. We're trying. I'm excited for you to see it. I can't wait. You got a title? Special Boy. Oh, that was my nickname in grammar school. It must have been yours before your mother, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. My mom's a big part of it. So when you're, listen, we'll get you in. We might be drunk at least when we're promoting it. And we got to call in all the podcast people and say, we got to get John on the podcast. Yeah, when I do it, can I be on your podcast? That's a great idea. We'll plug the hell out of him. OK, great. And if he doesn't want to have you on, he'll mention it. OK. Also true. Check out Special Boy. I was initially going to be called Special. Which do you prefer better? Special Boy. OK. Yeah. All right, great. And your next one could be Special Man, like how Adele makes her. All of her albums, how old she is. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, really? Yeah, like 21, 23. Or as the young kids would say, 6, 7. Oh, shit. Lizzo did, she had a, what was hers called? 400. It was her weight. Oh, I thought it was like, was she a vampire? Cut that. Do you want to cut? She's lost a lot of weight. Do you want to cut that? Nah. You're a New York guy. That's true. You don't cut shit, dude. I don't even cut my pizza. Do you get scared of anything? Is that what you were going to say? I guess. I get scared for like a second, and then I go, ah, what are you going to do? We're all going to die one day. Like on the way home, are you thinking about anything that was said here? No. I blocked this out of my brain completely. Yeah, I forget. I forget until I'm watching it. No, I don't watch it. Well, you don't work on. What's that? You're Jewish? No. Good Lord. I'm trying to have a good time here. I'm Jewish. I'm sultan. No, I know. Picture him on the drive home now like, I don't know if I should have said I'm insulted. I wish I was. All my heroes are. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Good save. Big fan. Big fan. And I'm circumcised. Are you now? And annoying. So I got a little. You know, it's interesting. You don't ruminate on, I think that's. Oh, I juminate. Do you juminate? Yeah, I ruminate on everything. That's why I can't sleep. That's why I can't do weed. But wait a minute. It seemed like you were saying the opposite, that you don't think about those things. You block that stuff out. And now you're saying you do ruminate. No, I was joking about blocking it out. I'm a big room. Oh, I believed you. And that's what I thought. So you're thinking about, I shouldn't have said that? Oh, maybe not that, but I'll do other stuff. Like, how can I make this better? Yeah, people pleasing. Well, that was dumb. Oh, that was stupid. Could you give an example? Let's see. I always say, I'll be at a restaurant. I see a person. And I go, I'm going to make this joke. Then I go, don't make the joke. Or don't do it. And then I do it anyway. You do it. You have to. I have to. And you miss the timing by a beat. No, it's just inappropriate or stupid. You don't want to make the joke to a random person or about a random person to a friend. Anything. Probably to the person, I mean. Like, the other day, I was at a bar, and I was drunk. And there was a big, fat guy standing there. And as a goof, he walked in the door, and I went, hey. And I patted him down. I went down the legs, and I went, he's clean. And the guy was like, what the fuck was that? And I was like, I don't know. I thought it would be funny. And he was like, oh. He was probably going to, like, hit me. But he showed me mercy and kept walking. But in my head, I was like, why did I do that? No one laughed. No one cared. He hated it. It was a big waste of time. But I had an urge. I connect to that so much. Do you? Yeah, I was with him yesterday. We went to Burlington Coat Factory so he could get luggage for his merch. And there's a line behind us. And he goes, I'm buying everyone here stuff. Hey! But see, that's fun. And then he did. Wow. Someone took, not everybody, but some guy took, took me up on it, later found out that he works at the place, could have gotten his discount. Oh, what a cunt. No, he's a good guy. He goes, I got good news, I got bad news. The good news is I'm getting this luggage. The bad news is I didn't get you one, honey. What did you say? It wasn't so demeaning. It was more inclusive. Boy, you got a lot of baggage. I don't remember what it was. But it was like, the bad news is I didn't get you one, but would you like something? Something like that. Yeah. And then she goes, oh, no, but thank you so much. I go, this is a lovely place. You know what? I'm buying everyone's stuff. Who wants me to get their stuff? And then one guy just had something. Moving through the world with this guy, he's making friends with everyone. He's talking to everyone. I very much connect to what you're saying. I also have developed, not the most efficient, but a bit of a radar of, is it worth patting this guy down? Right, right. I don't know if I'm going to be right or wrong, but I used to just, of course, you thought it. It's funny. You do it. I did it. I don't have what it seems like you have, even if you're not good. Listening to it, which is maybe I shouldn't do it. No, I want to. I've started to develop that, too. And the way I feel that out is often based on if I should do this or not is less based on what I think the other person, how they'll receive it, and more based on do I really want to do this or is it just funny? And I've started to pitch stuff. It would be funny if I did this. That gets that compulsion out. That's good. You know what I'm saying? I still said what I could have done. Yeah, I like that. You say that to the person. I'll be on a. I'll be on a date with somebody and think something's really funny, but also know best-case scenario, I get a laugh. Worst-case scenario is we're disconnected now. I want to pitch something that I was going to do and I didn't do. And she'll be like, okay. And then I say it. And then she'll be like, oh, yeah, you didn't have to do that. And I'm like, I read that right. If she says, oh, no, that would have been funny. I now know next time I'm going to, you know, next time she touches my thumb, I'll fart or whatever the thing might be. Sure, sure. I like that. But see, that took years of conditioning, probably. That's part of what this talking to people is. I feel like I'm, I feel like it's working out, too. Yeah. I feel like, let me, I'm not great at reading the room. So let me put myself in situations where I'm asking the room. But don't you. So I get better. I found it inspiring. Do you worry that you're losing your edge a little? I'm not joking when I say this. What do you mean by my edge? Meaning, like, five years ago, you wouldn't have had this whole thing in your brain. Gotcha. You would have just done it. Right. And now you're becoming more responsible. I have a great analogy for you. When you're on stage and you're doing jokes that you think are funny, maybe you think they're too funny. too edgy or whatever, or maybe they're edgy, but you think they're funny and people aren't connecting. There's a craft to it to figure out either you don't do this joke or I won't do this joke until I do this first. Let me set myself up as this type of, there's craft to this stuff. Yes. It doesn't mean you have to stop doing what you're doing. It's just, you're more intentional as opposed to just reacting to these inspirations of jokes that you find in the air. Got it. Got it. So like there are some times I think of something and I don't say it and I want to say it and I'm not, I'm not present. It happened here. I'm not present. I felt this way for the first hour of this. You're describing wanting to say something and not. Yeah. Yeah. I'm like, or I'm like five beats behind and I'm like, and then I'm thinking about the fact that I'm not, but it seems like you don't say the thing because you're scared to say the thing. Yeah. I'm not saying the thing because I'm telling myself, Rick, you've said a lot of things. If you want to say this again in 30 seconds, if it's still funny to you, you got it locked and loaded. You're very quick, Mark. And you, a lot of times someone will say something and then you say something back. And that's great. So you don't need what I'm about to say as much as somebody else who's not that quick, but, but a benefit to anybody. It doesn't matter who it is. I didn't mean you truly. I'm surprised you've been picked up on that. But what I'm saying is when you have something and then you don't use it, you, now you got it in the chamber. You don't have to unload. That's what I'm thinking. I don't have to unload just because I have it. It doesn't mean I have to use it, but then there might be a time where it's like, I'm glad I saved it. Yeah. So no, I don't think I'm losing anything. I just think I'm, I'm becoming less annoying, but you're asking that because you feel that you had these, these, it's compulsive. It's compulsive. I'm connected to that. You had this freedom when you were younger to say shit. Do you feel like it's the way he's wired? I'll answer for him. It's the way he's wired. Like, yeah. And I've pissed off, pissed off enough people where I'm like, I should start to kind of put a governor on this thing. Right, right, right. But sometimes it's led to a magical moment. So you never know. I know. And when I say losing my edge, I don't mean edgy. I just mean, am I becoming, am I becoming stifled and, uh, censoring, censoring. Yeah. There's a difference between sensing yourself when you don't want to and being intentional with what you want to do. That's good. Yeah. And when people think as quickly as you, um, uh, or me, you, uh, uh, it's hard to not. Yeah. I know. And you're like, Hey, they might appreciate this. Also, I don't want to swallow this. I know. I like to swallow. But yeah, you don't have this problem. You're just kind of special boy. Yeah. And handsome. I, I, I feel this. I funny walking around with you, walking around with you yesterday. I was like, I need to be more up and out. No, I need to be moving through the world, having a sillier time. You don't want to be like, I'm too internal. I'm too, uh, no, but I have that. I have that in me. He would, he would, he would benefit from it more. You know, he would benefit from, because when you, when you put it outside, you, you see it for what it is better than just the projection of it. And it's like, like bombing. I don't know if you remember this, but when we bomb, it's not that big of a deal. Right? No, I hate it. It hurts. Cause you don't do it enough. Oh, I'll bomb. Who makes you think I'm doing it all the time? You think I'm bombing all the time? The way you talk to me. Yes. I also tell you, I think you're one of the funniest people in the world, but the way you talk to me, he does. There's, there's certain people that just do something for you. Now his, isn't always me laughing out loud. It's, it's, it's no, but I'm being serious. It's not just like more the point where it's like, maybe if people aren't laughing out loud, you think you're bombing. Right. But I'm, I, he, he does something where I'm like, I'm the, I'm in the audience in a, in a conversation with him. There's people like that. I'm like that with Brent Morin with you. There's other people, but they get laughs. No, no, no, no, no, but you and Brent are two people, friends of mine that I feel myself like in a living room, sometimes I'm like, Oh, I I'm going to be, I'm in the audience right now. And I'm, I'm, I'm, you know, in a non derogatory way, like let him dance for me. He wants to dance, dance for me. This happens where I would say I have these spurts where I'm, where that happens. And then most of the time I don't feel that way, which is probably why I don't do a lot of podcasts where it's like, normally when I walk into a podcast, I'm like, I know I'm supposed to be that guy right now. And then, and then it's not always right there. But then sometimes that guy is, that guy is there when you're present and you take this and put it here. Okay, fine. It's happening all the time. There you go. No, it doesn't have to happen all the time. Let the guy be, let him be. I don't have to have it all the time. I'm just saying you're very, very hard on yourself. And I think that is getting in the way for sure. Mark says he ruminates and then he says he doesn't ruin it. But I would argue to say you do a set. You think about how it could be better without shaming yourself for not going the way it could have. Right. A little. I mean, you gotta have a little shame. You don't want to be these guys who bombs and goes, man, I'm fucking great. Yes. That was awesome. Right. You should have some shame, but be a healthy amount. Yeah. I think that Mark has a healthy amount of shame and I could use a little less of it. You could use a little less of it. What happened? Your mom likes you. That's the problem. Is that the problem? Nobody's going to like him as much. Yes. It's too much of a high expectation. You know? Yeah. I'm like kind of going around begging people to love me as much as my mom did. See, I'm doing that. Cause, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, cause I got no mom love. Right. It's either one or the other. I feel like you have a loving mom. Great lady. Is that the same thing? I, I don't know how to answer this without sounding like how, you know, it's going to sound, but I just think I'm, I think I'm, I'm fantastic. Yeah. There you go. I do. I think I'm fantastic. What's that like? Thinking you're fantastic. Um, it's, I, I, I, I, if I'm not, and I very well might not be, I don't want, I don't have to have to be over there thinking about that. You know, I don't want to either. Yeah. So I think, I think I could be fantastic. And so that's why I'm beating myself up. Like it could have been fantastic. I feel was that we have different definitions of fantastic. You're fantastic is perfection. Ooh, what's yours being present. Oh, that's big. That's big. I mean it. I love it. I'm going to do great. And I'm not supposed to then. Wow. That's silly. Virtual mumbo jumbo. I really, I really believe that like, ah, that wasn't great. But I, I was pressed the other day. I did. Uh, I, I did, uh, uh, I was working on my hour here. I did before balance. I did Gotham love on my way. I wanted to leave right now so I could get there. I wanted, I like to watch the people that go before me. Same. So in order to do that, I leave. Now I have some bean soup. Uh, I'm putting in the fridge. There's the hotel room service lid slips out, spills, hits, hits, goes all over the place, including clothes. So for, I was, and I said, this happens, you know, like this, like there's no way in 15 minutes you didn't figure this out. Uh huh. Now this isn't something I always have access to, but it's something I'm trying to do. And I said like, like Rick, 15 minutes from now was talking to me for a second. It's like, just pick up the shit and you, you'll miss whatever. You'll miss some of it. And if it affects a set, like it doesn't matter. Not that it doesn't matter that the things you do don't matter. It's just like when you're done with this and if you say, joke that didn't do well, you were like, you're not going to go in the car and think, Oh, I shouldn't have, or I should have. No, I'll do that. Then I miss reading what you're saying. Okay. Well, you literally spilled the beans. I'm sorry. You know, I do that with my tongue a lot too. Oh really? A lot. I do it because sometimes I want to express like a silly energy. It's almost like a stimming thing. I go, or like, yeah, I do it on stage. Sometimes I've never seen you do until today. Oh, I like it. It's fun. Do you do in your life? Do you make noises? Ever? No, no. Don't do that at a playground either. Why? I didn't throw it. It's a bad, bad message. It's sort of the special boys. I, I think, I think, I think that like being the beans spilling and having a set where it's like, I'd like the beginning, but they've dipped or whatever. I like, I don't know. I don't think that has anything to do with my worth. Oh, you know what I mean? It's like, this is hard. Standups hard. Right. And sometimes you're on and sometimes, sometimes you're not, but I'm always dropping something like that. And I don't, I, I rarely am calm. I'm I, I do yell. I'm like, no, that I always say, no, that's good. I actually prefer that. Yeah. And I like when that happens. And you're very funny when you yell, you got a good yell. You know, else has a good yell. I think one of the best comedy yells I've ever seen Brent Morin. Oh, really? I don't know if you know this about it. Yeah. Great comedy. Yeah. Yeah. Because you're, you, you're, you've gotten so used to being uncomfortable. It's your schtick now. And you just talk, I see the clips that you post as if you were bombing and everyone's laughing. And I don't even think, you know, it that's great. You're just like, Oh yeah, there's eight people here. Nobody wants to be here. It's Wednesday. Yeah. And then all the comments, which admittingly at the moment may not be enough for you to think it's worth it. But it's just like eight comments. Everybody loves you. That's very sweet. You know, who doesn't Hitler, my exes. Oh, I was going to say Sam Morrell. Ah, I've heard that. So it might be tough to get on. We might be drunk. Yeah. Damn. I'll get you in touch with Matt. You'll think about it though. I'll think about it. I'm in, but he's a tough nut. All right. When do you feel that you are the, like that feeling of like, I'm good. I think when it's going well. While it's going well. I'm present. And how long does that feeling last after a show where you feel good? It used to last longer, but it's getting shorter with every year I do stand up. But the bombing still is long at the end, which is funny. But you know, the irony is you guys are both cooking. You just, picture locked, you gotta pop it locked. laugh yeah dog in your lap there like a mob boss but now you're like i'm good at stand-up this is great and then you have to write a whole new thing once that's out you gotta bomb again that's the weird thing about this business hey i got this great act i'm killing for an hour it's all perfected yeah i put it out everybody likes it now you gotta go out in the road and do new shit and bomb i haven't i haven't put something out before so i don't know that feeling but what i do know is there are times where i'm like i don't want to do my act but you do it because you're working on it and that's a professional and then there are times i don't want to do my act and i have a conversation with myself and i go then don't and i'm just doing new stuff the whole time yeah and that's recess and that's playing in the play now what's different about that is if if people are paying to see me and i'm not giving them a show that's scary i just foolishly don't think that's it's not hey this isn't a special sure like it's we're we're doing something here don't you do don't you feel that way yeah of course but you want it to you want to get laughs because i have this crazy guilt if they're not laughing they came out for this they paid a ticket they showed up they got on the train they parked a car and then here i am going what's the deal with dogs they have fleas but you don't buy them in a flea market and they're like oh kill yourself i feel horrible is a solo sport while banging there's me time and me too okay but yeah so i just feel guilty and i feel like i'm wasting their time and i did this dirty dancing bit on snl 10 years ago we get it i don't i don't it's the only thing that got me on the show it's the only and then i didn't have anything else i still do it on the road because i don't have anything that's as good as that and i know if i do that at the end no matter what they'll feel like they saw a good show got it and strong but i in my soul did this on snl 10 years ago and now i'm doing it in a bowling alley in michigan and it's like why do i need those 11 people to feel that because you want to get the most special boy they've ever seen and that that they yeah that they got their money's worth and all that crazy idea you wrote that dirty dancing thing you could write another one i've been trying and thinking the football one is the same thing yeah but it's not as good but yeah and i still do that too i still do that too you just you you got to write physical act outs i know i don't know how to you do yeah i think i write more on stage maybe that's an excuse that's the recess you go up on stage and not worry about doing your dirty dancing bit and use that time to find something else i i love going on stage and playing around so much my i've been doing you love it do they love it i i don't know they're the audience i don't know but i think so you're the entertainment and you're having more fun than them why do you say that i've seen your act have you unfortunately where uh new york comedy club when what was that last week remember i saw you left before i went on i pretended i came back in that was a really good set i had that night i did material that was the problem i um i'm joking i missed it i'd love to see it uh i uh for for i'd love to see it uh i uh for for late shows uh at least one late shows uh at least one a weekend i get stoned for a weekend i get stoned for and i you have a blast oh and i you have a blast oh i gotta be honest i yeah i did 2 a.m i gotta be honest i yeah i did 2 a.m comedy seller comedy seller and i was pretty drunk and pretty stoned and i was pretty drunk and pretty stoned and i had the most fun i've ever had oh and i had the most fun i've ever had oh there you go and delirious good special there you go and delirious good special taking his stuff i feel like same joke taking his stuff i feel like same joke well you know what's interesting you talk well you know what's interesting you talk about getting mad and how funny he is about getting mad and how funny he is when you get mad and yell at the when you get mad and yell at the audience i think you should lean into audience i think you should lean into that i think sometimes you're that i think sometimes you're we try to be professional and and uh we try to be professional and and uh whatever but i think sometimes leaning whatever but i think sometimes leaning into how you're feeling is actually into how you're feeling is actually where you should be going always better where you should be going always better always better i don't know a time that always better i don't know a time that it's not better yeah at least as an it's not better yeah at least as an audience member watching somebody as audience member watching somebody as well yeah like you know jim gaffigan well yeah like you know jim gaffigan has that side voice he does he'll be has that side voice he does he'll be like and then the lobster's name was like and then the lobster's name was harvey and then i'll be like who names harvey and then i'll be like who names a lobster harvey or whatever he calls it a lobster harvey or whatever he calls it an indoor voice indoor voice you're a an indoor voice indoor voice you're a joke machine my friend oh well thank joke machine my friend oh well thank you you're a joke machine and i learned you're a joke machine and i learned you'll make jokes that are very you'll make jokes that are very dishonest yeah um but and you did a few dishonest yeah um but and you did a few times you make a joke that's times you make a joke that's ridiculous but then you want to you don't want ridiculous but then you want to you don't want that to derail the set so you that to derail the set so you go no no i'm just joking and then you do the thing it's a very quick aside thing it's a very quick aside you've been doing this for a while well you've been doing this for a while well yeah no i think there's i mean that's yeah no i think there's i mean that's also a tool of the uh inside voice when also a tool of the uh inside voice when you can comment on the joke you can comment on the joke because you can you know gain an because you can you know gain an additional perspective on uh uh subject additional perspective on uh uh subject matter i the inside voice i think of it matter i the inside voice i think of it as a parenthetical as a parenthetical you know you start to see a little bit you know you start to see a little bit different like that yeah it's really different like that yeah it's really funny uh when he does that but it's this funny uh when he does that but it's this but he had that from audiences not but he had that from audiences not understanding what he's talking about understanding what he's talking about so he would do the indoor voice over so he would do the indoor voice over here to kind of show his awareness like here to kind of show his awareness like i get it you don't know what i'm talking i get it you don't know what i'm talking about and that's chronic kind of from about and that's chronic kind of from struggling so i think if you if struggling so i think if you if something's working when you're something's working when you're struggling harness it struggling harness it that's all i'm saying i love that and that's all i'm saying i love that and one day you'll get on we might be drunk one day you'll get on we might be drunk or something dude listen he's a he's a or something dude listen he's a he's a starting varsity guard we'll see starting varsity guard we'll see send me a tape i want to see this dirty send me a tape i want to see this dirty dancing bit dancing bit dancing bit fantastic i'll do it for you right here fantastic i'll do it for you right here fantastic i'll do it for you right here hungry i would love to see that no no hungry i would love to see that no no hungry i would love to see that no no that's a different that's a different that's a different i'll tell you know what it is dude i'll tell you know what it is dude i'll tell you know what it is dude it's a performance it's a performance it's a performance i don't know is it you you you give a i don't know is it you you you give a i don't know is it you you you give a performance yeah you're very active you performance yeah you're very active you performance yeah you're very active you you i want you could watch you while you i want you could watch you while you i want you could watch you while you're out to dinner come on i think you're out to dinner come on i think you're out to dinner come on i think you should i think you should be doing you should i think you should be doing you should i think you should be doing shows called dinner and i think you shows called dinner and i think you shows called dinner and i think you should have a call called dinner and john should have a call called dinner and john should have a call called dinner and john i eat too disgusting to do that no i eat too disgusting to do that no i eat too disgusting to do that no you're not eating oh okay i'm saying you're not eating oh okay i'm saying like dinner theater okay understood like dinner theater okay understood like dinner theater okay understood i just saw him eat a steak it was a i just saw him eat a steak it was a i just saw him eat a steak it was a appalling yeah why were you guys uh appalling yeah why were you guys uh appalling yeah why were you guys uh disgusting no i'm joking we had a show disgusting no i'm joking we had a show disgusting no i'm joking we had a show of peter luger's of peter luger's of peter luger's it was killing it was free steak free it was killing it was free steak free it was killing it was free steak free shrimp free booze shrimp free booze shrimp free booze cake cake cake waffle fries onion rings oh the bacon waffle fries onion rings oh the bacon waffle fries onion rings oh the bacon bacon beefsteak tomato that was the best bacon beefsteak tomato that was the best bacon beefsteak tomato that was the best all we had to do was 12 minutes of jokes all we had to do was 12 minutes of jokes all we had to do was 12 minutes of jokes oh yeah it was great and i was with my oh yeah it was great and i was with my oh yeah it was great and i was with my childhood buddy he was a huge fan of childhood buddy he was a huge fan of childhood buddy he was a huge fan of mark and he was freaking out i don't mark and he was freaking out i don't mark and he was freaking out i don't blame him he was free he was so excited blame him he was free he was so excited blame him he was free he was so excited i threw a nice hundo on the table after i threw a nice hundo on the table after i threw a nice hundo on the table after everybody the audience well like or you everybody the audience well like or you everybody the audience well like or you know whoever was my server i'd probably know whoever was my server i'd probably know whoever was my server i'd probably give like 60. give like 60. give like 60. okay maybe or something too what do you okay maybe or something too what do you okay maybe or something too what do you or do you order food drinks i've been or do you order food drinks i've been or do you order food drinks i've been ordering food yeah the whole time you ordering food yeah the whole time you ordering food yeah the whole time you know and then i'm giving 20s to like know and then i'm giving 20s to like know and then i'm giving 20s to like you know from the merch i take the cash you know from the merch i take the cash you know from the merch i take the cash from the merch and i and i give a lot of from the merch and i and i give a lot of from the merch and i and i give a lot of that to the people that to the people that to the people like who who i mean the bartender and like who who i mean the bartender and like who who i mean the bartender and this person that server that server this person that server that server this person that server that server that server i just go around and i give it that server i just go around and i give it that server i just go around and i give it you give it to servers that weren't you give it to servers that weren't you give it to servers that weren't even serving you even serving you even serving you sometimes yeah sometimes yeah sometimes yeah i would argue that you could go over an an hour or two and I feel bad. Oh, shit. Maybe you could give a little bit more to the server that's helping you and a little bit less to the servers that aren't because 60 for a weekend. Or 80, I don't know. 60 is no good for a weekend? I don't think so. What should I give? I'm not making that much on a weekend. Then why are you giving 20s to all these other people? Because I feel I should. I know they've been working hard. They've been on their fucking feet and also they sit around while I'm fucking working hard for these 13 people and whatever. You feel guilty. I feel guilt. It comes from guilt. I could, yeah. Now let me ask you this one. I just had a club weekend. The manager kept bringing my food to the green room. That's a tough one. You can't tip the manager. I've been in that position and I hand a bill and I say, I'd like to give you a tip and they always say no. They always say no. But it's nice to offer. I give the bartender a couple bucks. You give the sound guy anything? I always give the sound guy something because I have sound stuff. I have sound stuff too. Oh, no. I always tip the sound guy if he helps you with something. Oh, I don't do music cues. Yeah, you're a writer. We're a couple of Jewish sons who want to dance for our moms. Hava, hava, nagila. I know what song you were trying. Okay. But the server, sometimes I don't get any drinks or food. Yeah. And I ask, were you like, do you have a, I don't know. I feel like I gotta tip him when I don't get anything. And I feel like I'm, I feel like I'm only doing this to show that I'm a good person. But that's fine. But that's a nice problem to have. I don't even think it's a problem. You want people to think you're a nice guy. So then you end up being a nice guy. Yeah. Lean into this. Lean into that. Let's see that as an act. Go ahead. Special boy. Special boy. Oh, you got a title? I'm going to be on the Mark Norman pod at some point. I think so. Yeah, but I don't want to talk about it yet. Ooh. Title nine. I'll tell it to you, but we're bleeping it. All right. Hey. I, uh. That's a puppet? Yeah. Oh, no. This is, uh, this is risky. Oh, I guess, uh, you like art that is easy. I want, I want to see the puppet act. I don't, uh. I want to watch Mark watch you with the puppet. Oh, God. That's actually what I want. Hey, can I tell you something? something and i don't i'm not i'm not i wouldn't put money on this but if i had to i would bet that you'd like you'd like my act i don't mean that like you think i'm funny i'm loving it i just mean like the stuff that i think i'm talking about i think the little bit that i know you i think you would connect with the stuff i'm talking about and think like oh that's that i like that perspective i'm sure i would i'm a fan can i say something may i i i saw rick when he when we both started around the same time and i would watch you and he was very experimental on stage and he and what i admired is you really didn't care whether or not they got it and i felt like half the crowd would get it and half the crowd wouldn't i cared it just didn't influence me it didn't influence you and now i've watched you do this and now people get it and it's cool to watch you be patient with that and exciting to see that you know that you you fucking now people get it you power through and you were doing something no one else was doing well if you read the comments well if you read the comments on my appearances and we might be drunk you some people might disagree can i tell you something out of all the podcasts i've been on other than not all of them but yours i don't they you should never have me back on really no i have a great i have a great time with you guys yeah but your audience does not agree really oh yeah i only wrote a few things on that comment wall but it'd be funny to see it it says mark norman verified and it's just really like subtly shitty to me right right we had a wanted him on yeah uh i will say you killed tony that really rubbed some people that rubbed people the wrong way before before before he even went live oh really yeah because i was like excited because i like had a good time and i went in there when it was live and before it went live there's like a waiting room there's like you know tons of people in there and people are not only they're saying mean shit about me they're saying mean things about the the show that they hadn't even seen yet oh how's that work because they just assume that it's gonna be they don't like me well what happened on kill tony he just kind of flipped the script and did his own thing i had a great time on it i thought it was a very entertaining i had a great time on it yeah tony likes to he's got a way he likes to run it and he uh really threw a wrench in the anal i was one of the judges yep you know did he come at you was he i afterwards to you i don't think so afterwards we talked about how we both had such a great time okay no i mean people will read into that stuff you're really locked into that i remember i remember i don't remember what it was but you came you did my podcast when we were talking about it and i was like oh my god we're in jersey and something had just happened and you saw one of those tmz things like you know the tmz like the people that do tmz for podcasts and comedians oh those are out of control yeah and you're like hey i saw this or that or like you're like you're in the you're in the know yeah of of the soap opera that is the projected lives of comedians yes yes well it's fun to get the drama you know and that was a lot of beef going on with the marrons and the rogans and all this stuff has rogan ever responded to the marriage he did recently yeah what did he say he i mean he really went nuclear he was like fuck this guy he's jealous he's you know ugly check it out yeah i want to see that i've typed in rogan's response to marin before and i couldn't oh it's it's out there baby okay i think i'm curious about it just ask him he knows it all i like this ask him i don't dig enough into this ask him something about it jacking off and thinking about mistakes i've made well this is what i jerk off to his elephant graveyard but uh just uh just give it a go it's all over youtube because you know what i my theory is there's no tmz for comedy there's no extra for comedy actors of all this shit you know there's so many of them all these videos that you're watching i know but they're they're man-made like like uh unsanctioned just rando yeah basement dwellers who make these but they're far more passionate so our podcast this is like yeah it's true this community is now far more passionate engaged than nobody's watching extra no one's watching extra and you know theo gets more views than the tonight show yeah but tv won't do comedian stuff yeah so they have to do it on youtube yeah well the people watching tv are not people watching tv are not the same people who are watching youtube i guess so you know i've had a lot of guests on my podcast that are like you know really big actors and entertainers that people who are this demographic don't give a shit about you know like it doesn't translate it's it's really it's it's very different yeah i'm curious how that's going to end up yeah going because i sometimes think will it cannibalize the viewership of the other place right community of it like there are some people that have podcasts that are audio only and when i've talked to them about it i suggest going on youtube not necessarily needing to have the very well produced video podcast but there are people who don't listen to podcasts because they want to listen to podcasts they just watch youtube yeah so they're not going to listen to it and they're not going to listen to it and they're if it's not on youtube.com right so like youtube is massive it's beat it beat tv yeah last week so that's why netflix sees that you really are plugged in oh yeah oh yeah well you're watching youtube and tv you're watching i'm watching all i'm watching the watchers jerry yeah so netflix sees that youtube is getting all this love and so they want a piece of it i would like to do a sketch i have to pitch you a sketch where you're christian bale and uh whatever the movie is with uh just big sure yeah just check but doing that with analytics of who's watching what who's liking what and just betting on you know what i have a feeling i should stay away from something's burning for the next couple months or whatever the fuck i think that's called uh malibu big short i think that was brad williams uh special all right we gotta wrap this thing up this is going good it's great yeah it's cool right hanging around varsity kids yeah it is but i just you know that's what i'm gonna be thinking about i wasn't riffing it up enough don't juminate i'm gonna juminate be present like the dog that dog is fucking present i know oh he's a good boy are you single now there ricky looking for my wife are you really though yeah i know a lot of ladies who would love to climb the old glassman tree i have been i found myself in situations where it wasn't even like i felt like you know what rick don't do this thing like i'm trying to be quite intentional yeah um and i found myself in situations like i don't want to even get into it i don't want to get into it on here but like i'm not interested in things you make me fucking get into it and then you won't go into it i didn't make you get into this usually oh dude when you come on my podcast and talk about how your ex has a tattoo of her dead ex-boyfriend and it makes you jealous oh this was a while and you talk about it for 45 minutes and you're like i don't know if we should talk about i'm like well then let's not and you keep talking about it when i'm obsessed with something i can't let it go got it got it this is the first time i was on his podcast i was with a girl and she she had a boyfriend who died in a motorcycle accident she had a tattoo on her ankle of him i couldn't get over it but that was before you yeah i know but i just couldn't i was so jealous i couldn't get over i'm like you can't compete with a guy who's dead well i think that's the best competition you're gonna win are you kidding you beat him you're gonna win you're gonna win he won he won he died in the motorcycle he's on her body for life you're alive yeah that's kind of like the music video of unbreak my heart right huh ah sorry unbreak my heart remember that song yeah no i think we'll put a picture in picture of the music video i think she's singing it while like her boyfriend or something like got hurt in a motorcycle accident oh geez you've never gotten jealous about a girl's past even though of course it's you and yeah i don't know if she had a if it was before she met me what can i do of course of course logically i understand that but you know there's certain relationships where i can't help it it's the ego the ego gets in the way i mean that ex in particular she had had sex with uh you know she had dated football players basketball players and then a tattoo artist a guy who died in the motorcycle accident was an artist then me now she's gay so what i realized she was weaning off of the cock i'm the last penis before there's no interesting it also does seem like she was going from most masculine yes that's what i'm saying saying and she's like oh there's almost there's almost something not here that i like right she transitioned into women right from me i'm a transitional penis got it good luck chuck but the other way yes good luck cuck welcome aboard hey thank you so much for tuning in to another episode of take your shoes off today's special guests are john ritnitsky and mark norman yeah that's it make sure to check out john ritnitsky's appearance and we might be drunk summer of 2027 it'll be fun if we're still going yeah you think you're gonna finish soon sam might die i'm gonna bring the heat on the pot all right i'll believe it when i see it yeah i know you didn't see it today but i can do it all right all right we'll show them something well it's just really quick can we end this with dirty dancing i'll put the song on there's not enough room all right well if you want to see dirty dancing go to google.com and type in john ritnitsky dirty dancing oh don't give it away then he's got no closer on the road is it in your special yeah oh there goes your whole career that's it and then i'm done but it'll force you to write a new dancing i know double d you know uh jim gaffigan would argue you should try making it clean oh clean dancing okay i'll work on it anything anything you want to plug i'll be in calgary at the laugh shop thursday to saturday next week that's a good room it is a great room good club and i like that you stay in the hotel where else would you stay that you just you know when the show is oh oh well that's good for the ladies if you can bring a nice little coos upstairs huh that was uh it was quiet yeah but it was deadly okay so this dog is gonna be yeah punch up dot live slash mark norman to find out where you're gonna he's gonna be performing when's this come out uh i'm talking about john uh no uh when's this episode okay um probably the next couple weeks yeah next couple weeks all right it's a little vague feels like maybe you're on the fence about putting it out oh uh no i just i i don't know i just think in the next couple weeks when you want me to put it out what are you looking for in a woman uh-huh tits i'm looking for you uh i'm looking for a best friend companionship um uh i was a traction you're disgusted uh a good good physical chemistry yeah you know you ever kiss somebody and you're like oh i think that i this person just based on the kissing this is not my person yeah that's true been there yeah yeah so like and like i want to be i want i love whining down at night watching tv eating food having somebody next to me who like we're like like hype like but your part literally i love the term partner like you you're helping them with stuff and they can help you with stuff and like you laugh with each other and like it's sleepover it's a sleepover it's a sleepover and then it's like you're looking at them and you're just like you know and i don't just mean fucking yeah i mean intellectual boners and and yes yes like oh you're fucking hot suck my balls dude yeah and let me i want to eat your brain and that ass i want to i want to be able to i want i want you bent over and i want to eat your i'm just going to say it i'm gonna say i want to eat your vagina from the back while i'm taking some of your butthole and i'm like you know what that's reminding i taste the dinner that we just had i'm glad we had that ah no i don't mean that literally oh i see but also yeah i got it just let's just love each other anyone not just my wife why can't we all be this way weird right now oh yeah why can't we all just love each other oh you're from iran and you're from uh i walked who gives a shit take your time you don't have to be out of breath every time you jerk off believe me ain't that the truth all right well i'm sorry about the eating the pussy that was hot that was that was some ladies out there were really got off to that i you know what you guys are really focused on making an audience laugh that's so 2000 late i'm focused too late isn't that a thing you say 2000 late i've never heard that i've heard it oh then you're not gonna get the rest so never mind okay all right theme music you