Manners with Jay and Allison DeMarcus and Myka Meier

Okay, perfect handshake is right hand right hand two pumps and business or three for social occasions. I never pung Perfect you punk now. No, I don't Overpumber. Oh my god. I met an overpumper. Okay, for any one listening. I hope you just didn't tune in Hey there. I'm Reba McIntyre and welcome to my podcast "Living and Learning". Joining me today is my co-host and very good friend Melissa Peterman. Hey guys and welcome to our show. Today we'll be exploring a topic that's really important to me. Manners or as I like to call it social graces. To help us mind our peace and cues, we decided to turn to our Manners expert, Micah Meyer, best selling author on modern etiquette and the co-founder of the Plaza Hotel Spenishing Program. And then later on, you're going to have a blast with Jay and Allison DeMarcus. I've known them for so many years. Jay's a hoot. He is so funny and Allison can go toe-to-toe with him. They've got a Netflix show called "The Marcus Family Rules" and I haven't got to see it yet. I'm dying too. So you guys hang around. You're in for a trick today on "Living and Learning". Yeah, it would be bad manners if you left now, terrible manners. Yeah, it would be terrible manners. Don't you go anywhere? I grew up with manners. Boy, it was a really strict thing in my house. Daddy always said when a person comes to the house and he introduces us kids to this guest that you stand up, you extend your hand, you look them right in the eye and say, nice to meet you. Very, very important to have manners in the McIntyre house. How about you? Oh, yeah. I mean, Pam and Dave Peterman did not play around. You know, I've born and raised in Minnesota and very much so, politeness and thank you and please and my dad was big on, you know, being on time. Like he always thought that was the worst manners because it just shows you don't care about other people's time. And your word is your bond. But just simple things. Like writing thank you notes, things that you carry on to today. You still do all of that. I try. I mean, I still make Riley right hand written thank you notes because sometimes you're like, well, I texted them thank you and I'm like, whatever, I don't think they texted you that money or that gift. So, you better sit down and write a thank you note. But I try. I make sure Riley does stand up and shake hands into me. And I know that I think in modern, you know, because I think we're going to get into it today too about modern manners. You know, there was a time period where like I can open my own door or whatever like and it's like, no, I still think I want Riley to grow up and I go, you go open that door for your grandmother. Well, I think it's very nice for a man to do that for a lady or a young man to do that for an elderly woman or just a woman in general. But I think it's very important for the woman to say, thank you. Don't embarrass the man or the young man if they do something nice for you. That's courtesy. And I consider that manners just being nice. Just be nice. Yeah. What does modern day manners mean to you? Like how did it change since growing up on the McIntyre farm to, you know, 2020? I think it's a little more loose. I don't think it's as rigid. I don't think it's as practiced as heavily as it was when we were kids. But I want to know what are the new manners nowadays? I do think that kids want to be treated more equal and that just seems really strange to me. But that's what I want to learn. What are the new ways of doing manners today? What are we, what are we learning? What are our kids learning? What did Clark and Jackie been still in you that you tried to instill in Shelby? Because I think you raised a really good kid. Like I always think about when I met Shelby, he was 12 years old and he was coming to set. And he acted the same whether you were looking at him or not. And I mean that in a good way. Like he would still polite. That's what I want for my kid is like when I'm not there. And I can't give him that look. So I'm like, you better say thank you. That he still does that. So what was important that you wanted Shelby that you grew up with that you wanted him to have? Well, number one, when you're late and you mentioned this earlier, you're showing disrespect to people and their time. It's like your time is more important than their time. So you're late and you're making them sit there for five to two hours waiting on you. I'm sure they might have had something a little more important to do than wait on you. So respect other people's times. I think that's huge on manners. Share the conversation. Don't dominate. I think that's a very big banner. Listen to other people when they're talking. Let them have the time to comment or to change the subject and talk about something. But listen, be kind, be attentive, and respect other people. I like it. I think manners become a habit. So if you are in the habit of thinking about the other person, whether it's I'm going to bring whenever I go to someone's house, I'm going to bring a little gift or a host's gift. If you practice those sorts of manners, they bleed into those bigger things, which is I also'm not going to gossip. I'm not going to get online and type out stuff on a keyboard that I would never say in person. Like I think they all are intertwined. Right. Exactly. And another good thing to do is not interrupt people when they're talking. That's another social graces. Anyway, another thing to do. If you've ever been into a real deep conversation and you're just about to get to the point and somebody comes in. Hey, Reba. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Yeah. Well, I think we'll learn an awful lot on this segment, Melissa, because we've got an etiquette expert, Micah Meyer. She's going to tell us the ends and out, the rights, the wrongs, and what's up. Yep. Yep. And all the kind of stuff to do. Hang on there with us with Reba, McIntyre, Melissa Peterman. Live it and learn. Micah, welcome to our podcast. We're thrilled to have you. Yes. Thank you for coming. If you would explain what you do and why we chose you for this great topic, take it out. Sure. So thank you for having me. And so I started teaching etiquette when I was actually London. I didn't even probably hold real, which everything sounds better with the British accent. Like you can, do you think you can get away with less manners and an accent? 100%. Okay. Just sorry. Want to make that clear? Yes. Okay. And you know, I didn't know as an adult. I didn't know formal manners. So I took my first classes in adult and then kind of started teaching my friends and my girlfriends and then word spread. And before you knew it, I was, I quit my job and started teaching etiquette in London, brought it to New York. And now I teach I started the Plaza Hotel finishing program. So we teach adults, children, teens. And now we just started our own corporate division. So we literally travel America teaching manners on all levels. So it's really exciting to see that people are actually really interested in really into it. Well, since you're not tuning your own horn in this way, that you've also written two best-selling books. The modern etiquette made easy and business etiquette made easy. So in the midst of spreading etiquette around the world and America, you've been to best-selling books. So you do know a thing or two about manners. Thank you. And the first book modern etiquette made easy is so, was so big for me because the whole first chapter is about how I grew up in a very modest household. And that in the end, the end of the first chapter is me serving Prince Tarles, a gin and tonic out of palace. And it's like, if I can do it, anyone can do it. And it's kind of like taking out that stigma that etiquette is just for fancy places or, you know, only for the 1% of the world. And it was kind of that with that message to me was so important to get across. It's really just about common. Okay, I'm going to ask us for all the listeners right now who just want me to go back there. Yes. What was it like serving Prince Tarles, a gin and tonic? Does he get a double? What time of day was it? Was there lime mint? Tell me everything. I will tell you. I remember it like yesterday because I was terrified. So he gets, everything is pre-sealed. It comes pre-sealed pouch for security reasons. And then he has two cubes of ice and a small like short ball glass side of like lime. And I was in charge of serving it to him on a tray. The heaviest silver tray you've ever seen in your whole life. And I remember standing there shaking. And then as he was approaching, I thought to myself, this is before my etiquette training. Do I curtsy? Do it like, what do I do? Yeah. And I remember I tried to curtsy while holding a tray at the same time. And like the happening and he winked at me. And then I knew I wasn't supposed to curtsy. So he used manners because he made you feel at ease. Exactly. Exactly. He literally ticked that social awkwardness off of me and was like, I've got you. You look great even though I probably was a disaster. But it was so sweet of him. That's that's what etiquette's about. It is making you feel welcome. And what you did when you first got here, you gave Melissa and me a gift. And you said, never show up empty handed. Very, very good point. It's just, you know, there's an old thing. Actually, there's an old, it's a southern saying that you should, when you come to someone's home, you should you have to kick the door to say you're there because your hands are so full with gifts. Wow. I like that. I do do all the time. As if I go to someone's house for dinner, I bring a bottle of wine, a candle or a fundished towel or something that's, you know, I do do that. It just shows gratitude. And two, if you're the one with the gift, they'll invite you back. That's true. That's true. That's true. Very true. I love that. This is one question that we didn't get to. But I want to know the answer to is what's the proper time frame to answer a text or an email or a phone call? And are these different times? Because we were talking about in this day and age of texting, there's email, there's e-vites. I'm not always great at answering right away. Yeah. What are we supposed to should do. Okay. So for business, it's within either the same business day or within 24 hours. Okay. And then socially, it gets a little bit of a slippery slope, right? Because you've got texts, you've got priorities. So I think the thing is people can tell if you've read messages for the most part nowadays. How do you stop that? There are settings on some phone, but not all, not a mind. But I think, you know, I think even if you can't get back, then just saying, super busy right now, I promise I'm coming back. I haven't forgotten about you or just something like that. Acknowledging. Acknowledging so that person doesn't feel like you've forgotten them, which is what you want to avoid. Is ghosting still a thing? Ghosting is actually still a thing. But I think it's never really a nice thing to do. I think if you, you know, if somebody can see that, especially that you've read your method or message, and then you ghost them, it's just not nice. I'm not asking for me. I'm just curious. A friend. A friend. And sometimes I'll say even like, I'm so like things are a little crazy. I'm traveling as soon as things slow down, you know, no, I'm thinking of you because I find that sometimes, you know, you are really busy and you see the text, but you're driving your running errands. And then you forget to answer, right? And then you do know that they read it. And then it's three days later because all these other texts come in because you're popular. And I think it's way buried underneath all of these cool gifts that your friends are sending. And then you forget. So is it okay to say I did see this? It's, I'm sorry, it took me a couple of days, but it was, I mean, it wasn't anything super important. Okay. 100%. Is it like a thank you? If you forget to send a thank you, same thing, better late than never. Okay. Yeah. Do you want to know one other really interesting about thank yous? Yes. I wrote about this too. Never started thank you letter with thank you. Oh, why? This is something that actually wrote a formula of how to write the perfect thank you letter for people because if I'm thinking grandma for an espresso machine and I write dear grandma, thank you for the espresso machine. I've been loving it every morning. Can't wait to have you have a furnace press. Oh, love, Micah. It's almost expected, right? Like you see those thank you words first. And you're like, okay, now people tend then not to read the rest of it. So if you say dear grandma, I wake up every morning and I'm so happy when I get to my kitchen because I know that espresso machine's going to be there. Thank you so much from bottom of my heart. I can't wait to have you over so I can serve you one too. Love Micah. Love it. Just has more emphasis. So that is one piece of advice. So what are some new rules in and around office etiquette? Professional environment. As of change. They are evolving. Things have changed. So my whole my second book about business etiquette is all about gender neutral etiquette in the workplace. So even things like, and I know I'm going to get some eyebrows with this one, but even, you know, it used to be ladies would always walk through a door first. Ladies would always be introduced first. Now it's the most VIP person. So it has less to do with gender. And so if I'm walking to the door with one of you, I want to show respect to you. So I will hold the door open has less to do with my gender, the more shown respect to the other people. So the whole and kind of like mentality now with business is shifting to, you know, who's introduced first, the most VIP person in the room. It doesn't matter who they are, how they are. Yeah, in business. And I would guess that your corporate classes are even, you know, you're much more in demand because of the whole me to movement or the setting of workplace, making sure that you don't make any mistakes because it can all tumble down exactly. And at the end of last year, so many companies and HR teams were saying, we're getting people saying, I'm afraid to compliment my colleague. And I mean nothing by except for to make this woman feel good. But I'm afraid. I'm afraid to like have a relationship with this person. And that's not the point. That's not it. You should be able to have relationships with your colleagues. You just, you know, there's a difference with the compliment as, wow, that dress looks great on you versus that is such a power color. Like, you know, you just look like you're owning it today. Like you can still give that compliment. You just don't want to compliment it on someone's body. And so there is a difference, yes, especially with me too. But you still want to show goodness and kindness and respect to your colleagues. And hopefully that doesn't change. You just got to put more thought into it. Exactly. Okay. Here's another one. What is the perfect handshake? Oh, I love this. So, okay, perfect handshake is right hand, right hand, web to web. So web to web. Okay. Yeah. And then it is firm and assertive. And it's actually two pumps in business or three for social occasions. Whoops. Oh, yeah. Oh, my God. So two, one, two for business. This is one or two, three, one, two, three. I never pump. Are you pumped? No, I don't. If you have overpumper, too. Oh, I met an overpumper. Okay. Everybody has. Look at me. Oh, when you do the shake for anyone listening, I hope you just didn't tune in. We have not gone off the rail. We're talking about handshake. All right. Now, what about if you put the other hand? Okay. I'm shaking. Reba's hand right now. Yeah. And I've got my life to shine with me with the other hand. Okay. That's aggressive. Here we go. So this, you're going to find a wrestling move. So this, when you put one hand over under to the side of the other person, hand your shaking, it's a power play. You are a certain power. So when we are in all of our negotiation tactics, um, courses for our law firms that we teach, we teach this. When you're going into win, you put that hand up. You're saying, I'm in charge of you. So what about the extra class? You're talking about grabbing and then extra class. That was more sincere. So it's, it's cool. It is cultural and all fairness with my daddies from Barbados. And, and there that is what they do. And it's to show warmth. So it is cultural. I should say that. But generally speaking in an America, it's a power play. Look at any president that we've ever had and look at them shaking hands. Look at them. When they're walking for negotiations, they're walking for meetings. You can see it is a power play. It's very American and in business, it is, it's crucial. Yeah. Interesting. Mm-hmm. One more thing I just think is so important is work, place, dress. And I think this could not be more important. Um, two things I always advise is kind of dress the way you want to be addressed. Okay. But that in social or business and dress for the position you want not the one you're in. So well, then I would be dressing as a Dallas cowboy cheerleader for everything. And I love that. I love that. I want to be a Dallas cowboy cheerleader. Interesting. Dress like the position you want to be in not the one you're in. Correct. And it depends on the industry, right? Like the whole point is to be a social chameleon with etiquettes. Make everyone else feel comfortable. So when I go to the plaza hotel and I'm teaching afternoon tea etiquette for 30 people, I probably am wearing feathers. Truth be told. But, um, end of the day, if I'm walking into a bank, I'm down in Dallas, then I bet your bottom dollar, I'm in a full suit just like they are because I want to be relatable to the people that I'm I'm working with. But it's the same thing with any kind of workplace etiquette. Maybe jeans is okay. We're in your industry and that's perfectly fine. But maybe it's not for a corporate industry and just to know that you are a walking, living, breathing brand at all times. And so is your workplace. So you just want to make sure that you're showing respect, not only to yourself, by the way, you dress yourself, but by dressing yourself in a nice, polished way, you're showing that you put effort into yourself, but to the other people you're meeting with. Michael, what I'm getting out of everything you're saying are three things. Treat people like you want to be treated. Read the room. And what was that other one? It was really good. Kindness. Oh, kindness. Absolutely. Kindness. Read the room and treat people like you want to be treated. That's exactly right. See them and acknowledge and yeah, that's be treated. Don't you want to be looked at when I'm talking to you? Yes, I do. Exactly. I'll work on that. I want you to look at me. I imagine everyone follow those three rules. What's the biggest thing that parents want when they bring their kids to some of your classes? Usually it's either dining, dining etiquette or respecting adults and saying, you know, that the number one issue now we hear is my child doesn't know how to have a conversation looking someone in the eye because they're so attached to their devices. They're shy to introduce themselves to other friends now. So they're losing that social face-to-face interaction. And they don't know how to do the basic things. You know, we grew up just that we were forced to look people in their eyes. Exactly. Exactly. We had nothing else to look at. That's right. So that's it. So social skills and etiquette is way more than which fork and knife to to kind of hold. It's all about making other people feel comfortable and introducing yourself. And I would say you can know every fork and knife in the table, no matter your age. But if there's someone in the corner that's sitting by themselves that doesn't know anybody and you have introduced yourself, you have a lot to work on still. You know, you may. The root of everything with etiquette goes back to that kindness and consideration. I've been at inner tables before and I've seen people talking and talking and there will be one person that the person said next to him will say, "And what do you do?" And 30 minutes later, that person's still talking and has it going back to that person and saying, "Well, that's enough about me." Let's talk about you. What do you think about me? It's not, you know, you got to go back and say, "Well, you know, and what do you do?" Right. And I have a really good trick for this. If you ever are sitting next to someone and say, they just, maybe they're, you know, you're trying to start conversation or something, it's called the WWHC. Okay. And you could have a conversation with anyone like this. So you start with what, why, how, and then you give a compliment. It is a formula that I personally use. I included in both my books. It's so good. Okay. So, Micah, why was it in London that you felt like you needed to learn more about etiquette? What was it about London that made you feel that? Being the only American at and all British company I didn't feel like I fit in. Why were you the only American in a British company? Well really it was because you know I traveled it for love. I went and I went for love. There we go. And I'm always up for a challenge so I thought why not. Okay how did the romance wound up? I'm married. All right here we go with the big C-coma good for you. That wasn't hard at all. No that's fun. It's just making conversation with W.H. But the moment you think you're being clever and you add an aware. So Micah, where do you live now? New York. And it stops. So it's it is more fun. Open-ended questions too like not yes or no. But I really like what you said earlier too because this is what you were touching on me. But too that the basic of all of these rules, whether they're fork rules, thank you note rules, that it all comes down to acknowledgement and basic kindness like I love when you said you could know the person can know all the forks and they know what this does and all that but if they're not introducing that person to the other people in the room, you know, it doesn't mean anything. You are the rudest person in the room right then and there and consider it. That's so true. That's all that's all etiquette truly is. Love it. Yeah. Love it. Oh my gosh. I've learned so much. I feel like I'm so wise right now. It's going to not last very long. I'm going to write it right now. I got to write it all down. Also, how can people get your books? How can they follow you and ask one question? Thank you so much. You can find me on Instagram @micamire. You can also find me on my website bowmontedicit.com and my books, modern etiquette made easy and business etiquette made easy are available on Amazon, Barnes & Noble and all of that could happen between. There you go. Love it. Well, Micah, thank you very much for being on the show with us and for sharing all your great knowledge. I have learned so much. I really did. I mean, it's chicken scratch, but I've been ready. I've done stuff all to remember, copy all your books. I appreciate it. Thank you. Thank you, Micah. Coming up next, we'll sit down with Jay and Allison to mark as you guys are going to have a blast listening to all the fun things they're going to tell us today. All right. Well, welcome to the show. Ladies and gentlemen, we have Jay and Allison to mark as you guys are going to have a blast listening to all the fun things they're going to tell us today. Now, Jay and Allison, you two guys have your own separate careers. Of course, you're married. You got a great family. Allison, you're a TV host on CMT. You were a Miss Tennessee 2002. Jay and you are obviously got your hands full with all the things you do with your producing and being a member of the Rascal Flats Band. But we've got to hear about your new TV show called the Marcus Family Rules. Tell us about it. Oh, well, thank you so much. It's really strange that we're here because we've been offered to do a series before a reality series. And we've turned it down. We got like three different offers. But we went on, Chris Lee knows best a few times. And Todd and Julie Chris Lee are some of our dear friends. And it was so much fun. He took us to dinner one night and he said, I really think there's a show here with you guys. And so it was important for me. And I'll know you'll understand to protect the brand that I worked really hard with Joe Donne and Gary to build with Rascal Flats into honor the work that we've done there. So I didn't want to be some kind of crazy drama filled reality show. And once Todd assured me that he would present us in the best light and still make a fun show with a lot of heart in it. I think we felt okay about filming a pilot. And we did Netflix came on board and loved the show and kind of captured the vision for what we were trying to do. And here we are. Good deal. So when did you first meet each other? Tell me about that. Well, I've known Reba for many, many years. One of my favorite artists still to this day that I've ever had the privilege of being in the studio with. And there is nobody that's a better consummate pro in the world than Reba McIntyre. And it was a, it was a joy to work on her record with her. And I hope I get a chance to do it again someday. You bet. I met her at the CMA Awards one year. That was the first time that we met. And I mean, I'm from Jackson, Tennessee. Reba's not from Jackson, even though I know she's from a small town, but like she's the queen of country music. And so I was sitting as to Jay. I was like, that is Reba like pushing him. He's like, yeah, man. I know that's Reba. I'm like, she's right there. And she was so sweet. And it's so nice when you meet people who are as fabulous as she is in a career. And like, you know, Melissa is her friend. Then when she matches all of the things that you hope that someone you love is to be. And they are in person, it's like the greatest thing ever. It's so weird when you're an artist and you're trying to act like you've been there before in somebody that's with you is fan-girling over somebody that you've known and wants to meet them and get a picture with them. That's Reba's life story. I mean, I'm going to take along with her and like, you know, you'll be in Nashville and I'm walking in with Reba. And she's like, oh my gosh, it's Vince Gill. It's Vince Gill. And he's like, Hey, Vince. And I'm like, oh, you're all cool. It's the same thing. Like she knows everybody. And like, if I was with you guys, I'd be fan-girling over you guys. And we'd be like, keep it together, Melissa. Keep it together. So believe me, that's Reba's life story with me tagging along. But I'm still a fan. I'm a fan. It's. Oh, man. Totally. Well, speaking of that, Reba was exactly who you wanted to be because, again, there's nothing more disappointing than meeting a hero and have them have bad manners. Reba was very play. You said she had good manners. And that's fantastic. Because that's the topic of today. That's our topic of today's show. I love it. How in the world did you get matched up with Jay? If this was your topic. Because not everybody has the same view and manners. And we love that you both have different views about manners. That's why it's what we got you guys here. We definitely do. So how much do you think manners still matters in the world today? I think that they're very important. That is why I have so many roles. I mean, I'm from the South. You say, yes, ma'am. No, sir. And I'm that annoying parent every single time my kids say, yeah, we're not going to say, yeah, yes, ma'am. No, sir. It's just, it's respectful and it's something that really drives me crazy. I don't know. My kids go, yeah. Is that one of those manners that's sort of falling by the wayside? Because I grew up not in the South, but the Midwest in Minnesota. And it wasn't yes, ma'am. No, ma'am. But I was not allowed to call my friends parents Barb and Jack. It was Mr. and Mrs. That that was our way of doing it. And by the way, that is a Midwest name. Barb. Barb. Barb. Yeah. It's very good met. Jay. That is some good Minnesota accent right there. Oh gosh, Jay, you sound just like you're from here. I grew up in Ohio. I love it. It's Barb and Jack. Barb and Jack. We're going to throw some breaths on the grill. Now, I think contrary to what you might think, I think that manners aren't taught enough nowadays. I think that we've gotten to this place where everybody's lacks and it goes all over me when I see some child in a grocery store somewhere and the way that they address their parents. And I want to walk up to their parents and go, what's wrong with you? Why are you letting your child talk to you like that? You need to teach them to do better than that. So I do think it's very important. And I don't think it's something we don't do enough of nowadays, sadly. I totally agree. You know, I always tell Shelby, I love you and I'll always love you, but I want everybody else to like you. So you're going to behave and mind your manners and we'll go move forward. But you're exactly right, Jay, when you see a kid misbehaving in your people say, ah, they ought to get a hold of that kid. No, you need to get a hold of the parents because they're the ones that's in the wrong. It's not the kids fault. It's the parents fault. That's how they taught them. Now, Reba, I will say you have been in our house, in our studio before. And our son is my greatest love and greatest challenge in my life. And I cannot say that he's always been that respectful to you because Jay came to me because, do you know that Dylan just literally kicked Reba? I go, what? I was like, I'm getting him up here right now. I mean, I had to worry into him because I mean, Allison, let's be fair though. Did she deserve it? That's beside the point. Oh my gosh, that's why I can't wait to watch y'all show because you told me earlier on Jay that he's a handful. I'm telling you different kid. I just can't wait. Reba, you won't believe some of the things that come out of this kid's mouth. And the funny thing is, is on our socials, people have said, oh, that has to be scripted. There's no, and I'm telling you, you can't tell this kid anything to say. He's going to say what he wants to say. So there's no way in the world we could have said him up to say the things that he's said. Can you give us an example of one of his sayings that people think was scripted? Oh, we're riding on the bus one time and I was talking to James Otto is my brother in law. A lot of people don't know that either, but he's a country music artist as well. And it was really tense because we were trying to get everybody together for Thanksgiving. And I said, you know, I just don't know sometimes what it's going to take to make everybody happy in order to get around the same table that Thanksgiving again since her father has passed. And Dylan unprompted says, it just takes a butt load of stuff to make all these people happy. I mean, at the time you was seven years old and the kid just, you know, of course it's great television, but you're saying. and they're going, "Oh, Lord, mercy, where does he come up with this?" There were scenes that Jay not seen, but parts of life that Jay was filming with them and Dylan has, there are many words that he's not supposed to say that he loves to say when he's not with his mother, so there was a dog there. He said the word nut sack like 16 times in about a three minute span because I don't let him say that and I was not around. No doubt about it. They would do, they would do their little interviews with them separately because they wanted to get the truth from the kids and they'll always tell you the truth. Oh yeah. And they would say something like, "You know, how are your mom and dad, what are your favorite things about them?" And Dylan would say, "My dad is a really good dad and he's a really fun dad. He does say shit sometimes." That would be the best thing. I would always worry, if you just said that, that's amazing thinking of what he could say sometimes. Very true. So evidently you, Allison, are the most strict on the etiquette and manners for both kids, right? I mean, somebody's got to be. Jay comes home from the road, which you know what this is like. You get home and you've missed a short period of time with your children and so he wants to be fun dad. Sure. He's like, "Oh yeah, you'll come with me to the operating. You guys play it like 11 o'clock at night at the operating." I'm like, "Everybody should have been in bed for three hours. They have to go to school the next day and on the way home Jay wants to go get milkshakes." I'm like, "M milkshakes?" Yeah. I'm the one who has to deal with them in the morning, you know? And he's like, "Now, we gotta have fun. Let's go." I'm like, "You'll be asleep in the morning, come 6.30 a.m. and I'll have to deal with everybody on their milkshake." They came over from the operating. Yeah, Riva, you know this, as well as anybody. It's hard to come in off the road and be the heavy. You've missed her. You want to be fun? Sure. And she gives me a list of things she's had to school Dylan for and wants to me to talk to him and you got to tell her this and you got to do that. I don't want to do that. I want to be like, "I love you guys. I've missed you guys. Let's go have a milkshake and have some fun." Yeah. Dylan, we may need to get you a sedative of some sort. I think you got to let kids be kids sometimes too. If you try to clamp them down too much, I think you're in for a bigger disappointment later on down the road when they decide to brick every rule in every manner and go off the deep end and be a wild child. So I think there's a delicate balance there. But James family made them finish all their food before they got up from the table. Even if we were sick or my dad would sit there and make me eat all of my peas and make me eat all of my, "You're going to sit there until the sun comes up, son. If you don't finish those," and I'd be like, "I don't, that's a little overboard." I mean, yeah. So maybe. That must have been a midwest day. My mom too. I would sit there. It would be just the nights coming and you could hear them. They're watching like the dukes of Hazard Downstairs and they're like, "I'm not eating these peas. I'm going to sit here all night." I know. Even though I want to see bo. I want to see bo and bo, but I'm going to pitch my peas. What are other issues that you guys disagree on on the manners? Like, is there any big ones that really stick out? There are words that I could use when I was growing up in the midwest that weren't considered bad words that I use that she wishes I wouldn't use, like I don't think butt is a bad word. We said butt all the time. I'm from the midwest. I'm going to spank your butt if you're not. And she prefers the word bottom. So we're different in the approach to the like what you can say and what you can't say. But nut sack is OK. But nut sack is always good. Listen, nut sack was always a good word. It's better than some other alternatives that you could use. And I think we just found our promo for this episode where we all just say, "There's never not a good time for a good use of nut sack." There we go. Well, it was a bottom, but nut, yeah, it was about it. It was about a dog. He was saying, "Look, he's licking his nut sack." And I said, "You would do if you could." He was using it in the correct contest. I mean, good on him. Proud moments. Proud moments, guys. You all know about those proud moments as parents. We know you. Oh, yeah. Yeah. I remember I never felt like, you know, you know, when you just all the blood leaves your body. It was when my son was about seven years old. He comes home with my mom from some sort of outing they went on and my mom was, "Well, Riley just told me something interesting about you." And I just went, "Oh, yeah, your heart stopped." What did he say? He told her that I had a tattoo that I had never told her about, which at the same time I'm like, "Oh, my goodness. I'm a grown woman. I've had a child. I've been buried for 50 years and I never told her about this tattoo, but I'll never forget that." And it was that just that Midwestern, "Oh, well, Riley just told me something interesting. Like the world, I just heard a ringing in my ear." And it was simply that I had to had a tattoo, which she would deserve to know at that point. But yeah, it's hard. It's those kids. They had no editor. No. None whatsoever. No filter. I'm so internet. There are phones now. There's all these new things that are coming to their lives, like how has manners changed? Like an etiquette. Like, "Can you email thank you notes?" All that stuff. I do not think you can email a thank you note and I make my children write a thank you note. It does. Even if someone has to stand up and run a lap around the house between notes, we're writing thank you notes. I just feel like there's something to that that's really personal that someone took the time to do it. And so I think that that is important. I do worry incessantly about technology and what that does to kids because we definitely lightened our rules during quarantine because this parents, it was like, "Listen, all gloves are off. Face time in about a week. This is about it. I don't want to fight." Yes. So we let them FaceTime and they could text their friends, which normally we would never have allowed to happen. So dialing that back now is really difficult because it was just their only way to socialize during that time. Right. That's true. And I also think that there's got to be a balance also with technology and also connecting with your family because if we left them to their own devices, they would be on their devices literally all day long. And I think there's a little bit of losing that connection with your parents and your kids. It's hard when they'll come home and they'll say, "So-and-so got the latest iPhone," or "So-and-so got the latest iPad." And I'm like, "I'm not so-and-so's daddy," and you'll get the new iPhone. First of all, when we go back to work, it's singing again. And second of all, when we think you're ready to handle it, I don't care what somebody else's parents have gotten for you. So. Right. Well, that's true. We're okay with not being the cool parents because I don't want to give them those things. That's for yourself. I like being the cool parents. I'll never forget one time when Shelby was first at the kindergarten or first grade. He was so proud that they had been talking about manners at school. And he got up from the dinner table and went around behind the chair. Well, the chair was taller than him, so he kind of had to peek around. And he was just a little old thing. And he said, "May I please be missed?" He missed. He said, "May I please be missed?" Well, we remember that forever, but that is really cool that I think schools will teach that at an early age. And it becomes fun with them instead of a drudgery that mom and dad will probably put on to them in a different light. Exactly. They make it fun. So. Yes. And at least somebody's there backing you up. So it's not just me and old mom all the time. Right. Right. Oh, Allison, did you carry anything over from your days of pageants where there are any manners that maybe you learned or you brought forward or you said, "I'm never going to do that." Probably more than, "I'm never going to do that than anything." But I think I just had a very typical Southern mom and if you didn't talk about things that were happening, they didn't happen, you know, when you whispered, you know. Every time something bad happens in the South, you got to whisper it. You know, her son over there, he's on drugs. You tear that bar, bar, bar, bar, she's gambling, that's a gambler. Yeah. Now, he's a really nice guy, but I think he drinks a little bit. Yeah. That's right. That's Jen. Oh, what are like the three most important manners? The pleasing thank you for certain addressing adults as Mr. and Mrs. and I would say cleaning up after yourself, not leaving a mess. That's one of my biggest pet peeves, like if you're going to get out of a bunch of dishes and you want to eat ice cream, hey, there's a price you pay for that. That's taking your dishes and washing them off and putting them in the dishwasher. You're not going to leave the house a mess because I think the main thing is you just want your kids to be good people. You want them to be kind. Well, I agree with you. You know, you love your kids, but you want people to like your kids. Absolutely. Everybody else to like it. Yeah. That is so great. You want them to be healthy and to be kind because you think before you have kids, you want them to do all this and be all of this and really you just are so grateful if they're healthy and you want them to be good people. And that's why I read but didn't let Shelby start talking till he was 25. It was 26. It was worth the wait because his first words were nut sacks. So it was worth the wait. See, I'm fighting this right now, y'all with my daughter wanting to get her ears pierced because everybody's got their ears pierced and she's not 10 yet. So they're all getting their ears pierced. So I mean, it's like, does she, I didn't get my ears pierced, y'all tell us 26. At least she doesn't want her tongue pierced. Oh, that's good. It's a good point, a good point, or an eyebrow or something. I mean, some of these kids look like they've fallen in a tackle box these days. [ Laughter ] -Reba, do you want to play a little game now? -No. -Yeah, it's "Please Don't Do It." ♪♪ -Okay, so it's -- -I get that every night. [ Laughter ] I get that every night. -So you're used to this game already. -So you're used to this game. -Why do I have to go through this again? -Wait, speaking, how long have you guys been married? -16 years we've been together, 18. -Wow. -So they did one, and we're engaged for one, and -- -Bless. It's just here. -Bless. -16. -Here, we got pregnant. Both times we had sex. We got two lovely kids. [ Laughter ] -And you sent her a thank-you note after because you've got good manners. -Yes, so you are. -And written. -And written, thank-you note. -Thank you for the nut-sack time. [ Laughter ] -Oh, gosh, I love it. All right, well, let's play a little game called "Please Don't Do It." So we're just gonna go around the room and we're gonna list our top pet peeves in terms of our manners. You go first. -And one of my top pet peeves is not introducing people. -And not saying their name, like, "Oh, y'all've met before?" Instead, you go, "Jay, you've met Reba before." -Uh-huh. -You've gotta use the name. You gotta team up for success. -Assume that I am old, and I forget, and I can't stand it. I get accused of overintroducing people all the time because it's such a pet peeve. -Great question. -You've got nothing wrong with that. -You know, John, you know, you know, Riley. And he's like, "Yes, he's my son." And I'm like, "Well, I just want to make sure that you all know each other." Because I do. I really, biggest pet peeve. And I can't even tell you, like, even when I've no one's introduced to you and you walk into your room, like, "Hi, I'm Melissa. I know so-and-so from school." And then they go, "Oh, great." And then they don't say their name. I'm like, "Oh, my gosh. What's wrong with you, people?" -Yeah. -Anyway, so there's mine. And I also hate this. And this goes hand in hand with what you're saying. The people that'll walk up to you and go, "You don't remember me, do you?" -Oh, yeah. -Yeah, huh? You don't remember me, do you? And you want to go, "No, I gave you those cowboy boots when you were four." And you're like, "I'm sorry, sir. I thanks for the boots." -I don't remember when I ate for breakfast. -I know. -Right. Please don't do it. I do not like when people say, "Yeah." Like, say, "Yes." Say, "No." Or, "Yes, please." -Yes. -Yes, ma'am. [laughs] It drives me crazy. Yeah. -Yeah. -Please don't do it. All right, Jay, what's yours? -My would be, don't text and communicate on your phone when we're at the dinner table together. -A man. -When we're engaged, sitting there talking with each other, trying to share, don't look down at your phone and kind of nod at me and put the freaking phone down and be in the moment with me here for a second. -Oh, you've got to have somebody that is engaging, though, you know, if you're going to put it down. -Someone I know does that all the time. -Are you pointing to your wife? -No. -No. -Do it. -No. -Please don't do it. -Please don't do it. -You know, they asked our kids on the show. They said, "Are your parents famous?" And Madeline said, "My dad is." So what does he do? And they're like, "He sings. He plays the guitar. He plays piano. He plays drums. He writes songs." I mean, they went on a laundry list of like 80 things. And they said, "Is your mom famous?" And Dylan goes, "No." And they said, "What's your mom doing?" Literally, and they drop the music out, which makes it even more hilarious. Sit there. Nobody can come up with one thing that I did. -One thing that you do. -One thing. -Not even like the laundry. -He did. And he finally did. He said, "She's famous for texting." -Oh. -Exactly what she said. -I would be like, "For giving you life, for making sure you have a home." Thank you. That you know what manners are. -All right, Raymond McIntyre, your biggest manners pet peeve. -This is the worst in an elevator. Men get out before the women do. My grandson, Mason, we used to play this game. He would always want to get out of the elevator first. He was like six, seven years old, and I'd hold him against the wall until all the women in the elevator got out first. And then he and I would wrestle to get out so I could get out before he did. Women supposed to go in the elevator first and go out of the elevator first. -I could not agree more. It's disgusting to watch. -And hold the door open. Will you like to be carried through the door as well? You like them to hold the door open and then carry you through? -Yes, I do. -I expect her. [ Laughter ] -Oh, my gosh. -Well, guys, thanks so very much for being on the show with us today. It was a lot of fun. -We love it. -And when this quarantine thing breaks, when it's going to happen soon, we're all going to get together and go break a little bread. -Yes. -And we'll hold on to it. I'm holding to coming over for dinner the next time I'm in Nashville. I got to meet a family person. -Come on. We would love to have you anytime. -And I'll bring something, and then I will write you a thank you note. [ Laughter ] -You don't even have to make fun. -You've got an excuse. You don't even have to do that. And I'm not going to -- -I'll go away. -So let's go to a restaurant, okay? -I love it. I love it. -All right. Love you, guys. -Love you, too. -Love y'all. Thanks for having us. -Thank you for having us. -You're very welcome. -Bye-bye. -Bye-bye. -That was amazing. This was fun. I learned so much from Micah. -I have to say, you know, I came into this not sure that I would learn something new, because you think we all think we know what good manners mean to us, because it can be personal. And I learned so much from her. I love the thank you notes that starting off with something that is not thank you for exactly what you gave me, the WWHC. Like, starting conversations at a party. I thought that was fantastic. The what, the why, and then the how, and then the compliment. -Didn't you teach classes at the Plaza? Wouldn't that be fun? -Yes, she did. -She would finally travel again. -Let's do it. -Let's go up to New York and do the class with her. I know she could teach us a lot. She was very, very informative. And then fun stuff from Jay and Allison. What a fun show. -Thinking about it, it really all comes down to the same things, whether it's how we were raised, old school, or how things are now, that what's really important is just being kind. The same sort of thing we've always been talking about. Treat each other the way you want to be treated. -Mm-hmm. I had so much fun today. -I did too. -I learned a lot. -Well, thanks, guys, for listening. So, Melissa Peter met in myself, Reba McIntyre. On our podcast that we're having such a great time, getting to participate in, call "Living and Learning." And I know you can't see it, but I'm looking you right in the eye, the snare, and I'm saying, "Thank you for listening." -How sweet, Melissa. -Nice, they got manners. -Living and learning with Reba McIntyre is a Spotify original podcast. Hosted and produced by me, Reba McIntyre. And my dear friend, Melissa Peter, our executive producers are Liz Gaetley, Yassie Solack, Gina Delvack, Danny Traybach, and Justin McIntyre. Also produced by Dylan Rupert. Michael Hartman is our editor. Original music is composed by Doug Seismor, very special thanks to Leah Edwards, Alex Nelson, Robert Adler, Casey Simonson, Whitney Welch, Rebecca Crawford, Rachel Margolis, and Suzanne Bender for Production Support.