Speaker 1At Harmony Bank, we believe that better happens together. We're a locally owned bank built on relationships and personally committed to your success. Our community bankers are ready to make quick decisions. No big bank bureaucracy, just a custom approach to help you thrive. From business loans to mortgages and everyday banking needs, Harmony Bank provides a secure, modern experience with a touch of Texas hospitality. We're Harmony Bank, where better happens together. Hello and welcome to the How Not To Screw Up
Speaker 2Your Kids podcast. So, pour yourself a cuppa, find a comfy seat and enjoy the conversation. This is episode 135 and today's episode, Managing Explosive Emotions. Managing Explosive Emotions has a story to it. Now, you'll recall in my previous episode 134, Managing Big Emotions, I thought I had done a proper belts and braces approach to cover off everything that you might need to know to help you manage children and teens' big emotions. Then I reflected and reviewed, because obviously I do that a lot, after I'd recorded it. Actually, in honesty, I woke up in the early hours, reflected and realised that I didn't feel that I had actually really dealt with big emotions fully because I realised I hadn't actually addressed the scenario which some of you will be tackling. It's often the most challenging scenario that parents ask me about that they're tackling, which is what do we do when our child or our teen's reaction to their big emotions is explosive? So, I decided to add another set of top tips for this particular pattern of behaviour. Now, if you have not listened, then please do check it out because that has all of the foundations you need to cover. And you need to cover those foundations even if you have a child who manages their emotions in a really explosive way because that's a really important kind of foundation. But I will quickly do a recap, just in case you have found this episode separately, for completeness. And for those of you who have also listened to the other episode, as I always say, repetition is the mother of all learning. So, sometimes it's really helpful to hear the same thing again because we'll take different things from it and we'll hold on and we'll act on other things in a slightly different way. So, I'm going to do a super, super quick recap. But if you want more details, then please do listen to episode 134, Managing Big Emotions. So, we need to remember when we are responding to our children's big emotions in any shape or form, there is a context and a background that we must always keep in our minds. Obviously, it doesn't always happen and sometimes we don't respond in the most ideal way. But if I just want you to keep coming back to this context time and time again. And the context has four things that I want you to remember. The first is behavior, it is a choice which is driven by an emotion, both good and not so good, that's the first one. The second one is behavior is an output of your child's current inner world. Remember? The behavior is what we see on the front, but the inner world is behind it. So, what we then must do, which is number three, is we need to constantly remind ourselves to look beyond the behavior that we get presented with, particularly crucial when we've got children and teens that deal with it in an explosive way. We've got to look beyond the behavior and respond to the emotion which underpins the behavioral choice. That's the kind of crucial bit that we need to remember. And the fourth one is that our children cannot and will not self-regulate if we are not regulated ourselves. So, that's the background, the context, the foundations that we need to have as a sort of a given. And then what I have said in the previous episode, one, three, four, around what we do in the moment, I'm going to just recap those. And then we'll move on to what we do if our child has a tendency to go ballistic when they experience a big emotion. So, what we do in the moment. So, what we do in the moment is about damage limitation and not reasoning. This comes later. So, remember the first one was about name the emotion. It's this notion of Dan Siegel's name it to tame it. By naming it, we're shifting the processing away from the limbic primitive emotional brain and moving it a little bit towards that problem-solving, rational, logical, prefrontal cortex where our reasoning comes in. So, we name it. The second is that it's really crucial is that we allow our children and teens to work through it. And experience that big emotion in the safe space rather than us trying to take it away. And the third one is to remember that they are unregulated in that moment. And so, us getting, you know, if we then meet their dysregulation with our dysregulation, then we have all of these issues, which is why it's really crucial that if we are feeling dysregulated in a moment that it's us that we remove. We remove ourselves from that scenario and then return. When we're feeling more regulated. So, that's just the context and just a reminder of what we do generally when we're sort of helping and supporting our children and our teens in terms of managing those big emotions. What I want to do now is just go through some of the specific things about. So, what do we do when we have a child or a teen whose emotions become explosive? Now, that explosiveness could be that they use expletives in their language. They could be getting physical or so. It could be that they're a little bit out of control that you worry for their well-being and for the well-being of those around them as they go through it. So, you may recognize some of these three qualities. So, they may, your child or your teen may seem to morph into a completely different persona, which does not resemble your child in a normal, typical way. It's almost like they become, you know, it's this whole Jekyll and Hyde. Parents will often say is that when they're not in these big emotions, they're a completely different child, supremely amiable. But when they have these big emotions or this big angle, this big frustration, it's like they just become a completely different person. So, that could be when we're talking about explosives, it could be that that's the qualities that you're seeing. It could be that your child or teen uses language, which is abusive. It could be swearing, or it could be language which causes you concern about their emotional being. Comments like, you'd be better off if I wasn't here anymore. I hate you. I wish you were dead. Those sorts of things in terms of those. That sort of explosive reaction to big emotions. Or their behavior can seem threatening or intimidating. And that can be threatening or intimidating to you physically, emotionally. Scenarios where children block doors. It can be where they, particularly, I think, when we've got our children get older and they become sort of taller. And then they kind of use their bodies as a way of sort of intimidating. Or it can be intimidating in terms of their language. Or it can be really intimidating with their siblings. So these are some of the qualities of what I would sort of describe as someone who tends to have an explosive approach to their reaction to big emotions. I'm going to talk you through six things that I think are really crucial to consider if you've got a child or a teen who responds in that particular way. Please keep in mind the context, the wider context, that all emotions are fundamentally valid. Our children and teens can experience jealousy, annoyance, frustration. Anger, shame, embarrassment. What we are trying to help them do is make more appropriate choices in the moment around their behavior. That's fundamentally what we're helping and trying to support and encourage them to do. So how we handle in the moment shares some of the principles we've talked about before. But also has some of these additions. So I'm going to talk you through them. And the first one is, and this is a really crucial one. Sort of making sure that we've taken care and self-regulating ours is that don't be drawn into their name calling and or their abusive language. We have to remember in that moment, however heartbreaking, upsetting, raw, nerve triggering it is, is they don't mean it. They are working through some big emotions. And some children and teens find these extremes are their outlet. You know, particularly when you hear some of the language that comes out of some children. And as I say, particularly if you've got a scenario where it feels like you've got a bit of a jackal and hide is just trying to remember that context is that if you've got a child who's feeling a real anger and a real rage, some seem to find that using extreme language or extreme statements just helps almost kind of reinforce the energy that they have behind that real anger and that real rage. So it's really, it's really trying to make sure that we don't get drawn into it and that we don't kind of get sucked into that. Of course, these expletives and those kind of extreme language is not the most appropriate way to respond to those big emotions. And we will, of course, as we did in previous episode 134, there has to be an education piece that runs alongside that helps develop and promote better strategies. But in that moment, you know, it is not the time to, appeal to their rational brain. And also note that if this is your child or teen, it will take time to move them from the way that they currently respond to their emotions in this explosive way to another way of managing and coping with those big emotions. We have to also manage our expectations. So it's really crucial that in that moment, we remember that context, we remember that inside this child or teen that is presenting themselves to us in a way, is a very young, vulnerable, frightened, overwhelmed, young child who is just presenting this on this hard exterior shell. And inside there's this squishy, soft center that we need to be responding to. So that rather than the hardened exterior and whether that helps, that analogy helps you, you know, approach it in that way, then it's just, it's just that reminder. So that's the first one is do not be drawn in regardless. If you can feel your blood boiling, if you can feel that you're getting really upset about it, and it's, it's proving to be really hurtful. Remember that you remove yourself, you know, self-regulate yourself, take yourself to where you need to be, and then return. That's the first one. The second one. And this is really crucial is that you keep your voice calm, use few words, because what can often happen is we're trying desperately to hold it together. We're so hurt. We're so angry. How dare they? And yet what we can find is that our voice then gets louder and we end up using far too many words in lots of ways. We just want to keep a calm level head in this particular situation and just keep things in that very matter of facts. Not. Not dictatorial, not, not dispassionate, but we want to be, use those few words. So this is not okay. Yeah. Swearing is not how we tell each other that we're angry. It's never acceptable to get physical with someone because you're angry. So we're keeping calm and we're trying where possible to use as few words as possible. So don't forget that this is what we're covering in these six top tips are in addition to the name it. All of those other things are still there. We're naming it. We're allowing them to work through it. If we're unregulated, that we need to self-check ourselves, but we're adding these extra things. So we've, you know, we're saying, you know, I wonder if you could be angry or frustrated. I get that you're disappointed or frustrated that I've said no. However, this is not okay. So it's that keeping our voice calm and also using as few words as possible. Okay. It's about making sure that you meet their fire with calm and that you don't then escalate yourself up. Because in lots of ways, we're trying to draw you in. So what you may find is the language then becomes even more abusive. And, you know, the language that they use, the statements that they use, but it's about making sure that you meet their fire with calm and that you don't then escalate yourself up. Okay. And it's not for the purpose of this particular episode to go in it. But if you've got a child who is dysregulated and that what underpins it is a whole host of other issues, which we'll look at with point six, in some ways, if they are pushing and pushing and pushing to get a reaction, which reinforces their view that they're unlikable, that they're unlovable, that they're not enough, then when you react, what you do is you reinforce that belief. So it's really important that we remain. Calm, regardless of what we get back. So don't be drawn into the name calling and the abusive language. Keep your voice calm and use few words. The third one is create a safe environment. Remove yourself if you need to. Remove siblings if you need to. But do not send your child away. I've read lots of other approaches to this in terms of time out, time out chairs, time out stairs. You know, all of this sort of time in my personal wholehearted view is that if a child is experiencing a big emotional routine is experiencing a big emotion within that prickly exterior is a very fragile and vulnerable individual inside. And my view is that when you have that vulnerability for me, then sort of almost extending a an outreached arm that is almost pushing. And sending them somewhere else, I think, is only problematic and only likely to exacerbate that feeling of fear and isolation in them. What they need is us being around. Now, you may have a child who is very explosive for which a hold and that kind of contact is really, really helpful. I think you are not. It's not for me to say whether that's the right thing for your child or not, because it's very individual. Some children, it is more likely to create. More challenges, the more we kind of encourage that close contact, whereas for other children, it works really well. So it's just about creating that safe environment, whatever that might look like. And of course, because we are running a concurrent education piece, we're trying to kind of have those conversations afterwards when they're completely a logical brain and they've gone back to that gorgeous, wonderful, compassionate, kind, thoughtful child. That's the time that we have that discussion around. How can I create a safe space when you experience these big emotions as we're working through and trying to find more appropriate responses in future? How can I do that? So that then feeds into revisions that you will constantly make, these gains that you'll make each time as to how you manage that situation better and what they do in terms of that problem solving. So again, go back to episode 134, where I go into it in much more detail. So we're not being drawn into the name calling and the abusive language. We're keeping our voice. We're keeping our voice calm and we're using as few words as possible. We're creating that safe environment. The fourth one is that we have to teach consequences for the behavioral choice, not the emotions. All emotions are valid. What we are trying to do is help and support our children and teens to make better behavioral choices in the moment. So if you have a child who has an explosive response to their big emotions and maybe they break things. Maybe they're physical. There has to be an element of consequence and consequence is not punitive. This is not I'm going to punish you in a way that hurts you because you've done something bad. I am trying to teach and educate you that the choice that you made with that behavior in that moment has had a natural consequence. So if they've broken something, then they have to make good. If they've hurt someone's feelings, they have to make good. And obviously when things are broken, then it's a very straightforward make good and that make good is to purchase something else. If it's a very young child who doesn't have doesn't yet have a certain amount of pocket money or even if it's an older child and they don't have the financial resources in that particular moment in order to replace it, then we find ways for them to work off that debt in terms of household responsibilities and household tasks. So if it's been hurtful in us. Other ways. So if something hasn't been broken, but there's been some hurtful comments, then there needs to be a making good. If there's been hurtful physical reaction, then it's about making good and making good can take all sorts of forms. Making good isn't just a simple apology because we've all been there with our children, haven't we? We've asked them to apologize and they've gone, oh, sorry, in that kind of, oh, okay, I'll just tick that box. Do what you ask me to and then I'm done with it. Making good can be around. Writing a letter of apology, pulling together the Lego that they smashed of their siblings, tidying something up afterwards. It can be, you know, spending time and engaging with a younger sibling that they've hurt their feelings and said unkind things. Whatever it is, it's about working through and helping them understand that because they made that behavioral choice, there has been a consequence to it. And sometimes it can be a consequence of the time that this has taken to resolve that particular outburst. And the toll that it has taken, a natural consequence may well be that maybe you were about to go out or maybe you'd promised or agreed that you were going to do something with them that is now not possible because you're feeling hurt and upset. And it's not necessarily something that you feel able to do in that moment. So we want to approach it not in a punitive way, but in an instructive, informative, educational way. Because remember, we're raising adults here. And in adult life, there are consequences for the choices that we make. And so we are equipping our children for later life. So that number four is about teaching consequences. Number five is something that you probably want to do. Five and six are much more things that we might want to reflect on that will potentially help and reduce these explosive responses to big emotions. And it's truly trying to reflect. And maybe. Audit and diarise and have a look at trying to identify your child's triggers and then problem solve ways to manage them. So it's about helping. You know, I've talked before about this idea of our children's bucket. that you know they have a bucket which fills up and then we usually only notice until the bucket is overflowed and then they respond in a particular way and so it's really trying to help them to identify what are the things that typically fill that bucket and fill that bucket quickly so is it that you've got a child who particularly a trigger it might be a bad day at school a trigger may well be homework it you know it's it's it's thinking around might be a siblings it might be coming off digital devices so it's helping identify your child's trigger and then having discussions around how what might we problem solve and find other solutions other ways of managing it and that's not for you to problem solve on your own it's for you to do with your child because they've got a problem solve for themselves ways to manage it and it's about your child understanding this notion of the bucket so that they can begin to identify when things are beginning to bubble up because ideally what we want to do is that we want our children to be able to identify that things are beginning to bubble up and to manage things before they become explosive so it's really thinking through and identifying those triggers so we've got don't get drawn into their name calling keep your voice calm and use few words the third one is about creating the safety of your child and the second one is about creating the safety of your child and the third one is about creating the safety of your child and the third one is about creating the safety of your child and the third one is about creating the safety of your child and the environment the fourth is around teaching consequences the fifth is around trying to identify your child's triggers and then problem solving ways to manage them and the sixth one is about zooming out and reflecting on your child as a whole because what this does is it allows us to consider broader issues which might be at play it may not be your child may well be responding explosively because actually just developmentally they're not as mature as they could be in terms of managing their emotions that could be just simply an education piece the more we put in into the education the better it will get however sometimes it can be part of a wider issue that actually that this explosive behavior until we take that zooming out approach and really reflecting on our child as a whole we might miss so it may be that it's part of a wider mental health issue it might be part of a wider neurodiversity issue it might be part of a wider neurodiversity issue it may well be that our child is experiencing some bullying it may well be that there's a trauma it may well be that there's an anxiety so often we're so caught up in that moment day to day trying to deal with this explosive behavior and that you know my child just can't manage their emotions they've got a short fuse they're just like a complete battleground around emotions that we don't really give ourselves the chance to say i wonder if it's actually part of something that we're not really able to deal with a bit wider here and actually it's not just that they can't manage emotions but it's part of something broader obviously the broader part whether it's neurodiversity and mental health issues bullying trauma anxiety we still have to address the the difficulties around managing emotions but we can do it in a slightly different lens because if we support the confidence if we support the bullying if we support the trauma and the neurodiversity and the mental health issues we're naturally going to see a minimizing of the trauma and the neurodiversity and the mental these big explosive emotions as well so it's really trying to give ourselves that opportunity to look at the whole picture rather than those day-to-day moments that we're we're so stuck managing and dealing with that we forget this broader this broader picture so just to quickly recap we're not being drawn into the name calling we're keeping our voice calm and using a few words we're creating that safe environment we're teaching consequences we're trying to identify our child's triggers and then problem solving for them for future and we're taking that zoom out approach now what i will do is i will share those top six tips so that you've got those in an easy checklist that you can look at and reflect on and work out which ones are kind of your priority in terms of you tackling and as usual you can get access to that through my free resource library which is drmaryhand.com forward slash library where you'll find the link to download the resource all you need to do is pop in your email address and you get instant access not only to this week's resource but all the other free resources across all my podcast episodes as ever if you have enjoyed this episode i would be eternally grateful and very appreciative if you could follow rate and review this podcast so that others can find us and we can spread the love so until next time you
PodcastTranscript AI