Speaker 1Hello and welcome to the How Not to Screw Up Your Kids podcast, the deeper dive episodes designed to unpick a thorny topic so you can take away manageable actions which you can implement, whether that's for you, your family, or an educational setting. I'm your host, Dr. Mary Henn, psychologist and parenting expert. So, pull yourself a cuppa, find a comfy seat, and enjoy the conversation. Today's episode is a really thorny subject. It is all about how do we handle children and teens' emotional outbursts. Now, the reality is our children are going to have emotional outbursts, and those are really very much, I guess, from a lens perspective, they provide an opportunity for us to see what might be going on in their inner world. Now, obviously, an emotional outburst is very different depending on the age and stage of our child. So, I thought what was probably a good idea was to talk a little bit about, you know, why might children and teens be having these emotional outbursts in the first place, just as a broad overview, and looking at it as a sort of children's age and stage, because I think that helps us sort of understand a little bit of the context. Before I then sort of dive a little bit deeper and give you some top tips in terms of how to deal with it, you know, how to best manage those emotional outbursts, and, you know, looking at what then also happens when those emotional outbursts are in public, which I think is probably the bigger challenge. I think in lots of ways, when our children have emotional outbursts at home, we feel better equipped to deal with them. Don't get me wrong, they still feel massively overwhelming. And we can feel stumped often in terms of what best to do in that situation. But I think when it's public, it just feels like it's amplified even more, because we're very aware of other people looking at us, and worried and concerned about how they might be judging us. And then that then often leads to a shift in terms of how we feel we can manage it in the situation. Because there are some things that maybe we would do at home that we feel like we can't do in public. So it's a proper deep dive with this one. And I think so let's start off with, you know, why do we see these in the first place? And I think what I would set as a context is, and we'll go through the different ages and stages, but fundamentally, our children are not born able to emotionally regulate, full stop. It's something that they learn over time with experience in the real world. So I can I tell you, I'm not going to tell you definitively at what age should you no longer see tantrums? No, I can't. Because a lot of it depends on what they have learned in that process in terms of being able to manage, understand their own emotions, and understand how to regulate those, and then what we have done in those moments. So I'm going to talk very, very broad brush, I'm always super nervous about talking about specific ages and stages, because the danger can be when I go through these, and you've got an older child who's still exhibiting behaviours, maybe that you'd expect in a younger child, you then think, oh, my goodness me that there's something fundamentally wrong with my child. There isn't. Children develop their skills and their competencies across a multitude of areas at different times. So we can often have a child, for example, who might be incredibly articulate, their communication skills, their language skills, are like, like years and years above their actual chronological age. And yet emotionally, they seem to be unable to manage those big emotions and unable to self regulate. And I often find in those situations, it feels so much worse. So imagine you've got a seven year old whose language is exquisite, they're able to hold conversations with adults, the use of their vocabulary is extensive. And yet what you're seeing in terms of their emotional regulation feels like you've got a toddler. And that is not uncommon. I guess the way that I really sort of would reinforce things is that it's for us to think as parents, rather than moving away from a, I've got a problem in terms of the way that my child manages their emotions, and they tantrum, think in terms of skills, my child's communication skills are super fine tuned, and they excel in that particular area. And they're doing really well. And yet their understanding and their skill around knowledge of emotions and ability to then make appropriate choices is not where it ought to be. And therefore, we don't have a problem of tantrums, we have a skills gap, they don't understand their emotional vocabulary may not be advanced, or maybe they do have a great emotional vocabulary. But they have not yet learned how to make that connection between the emotion that they're feeling the physiology of how that shows up in their body, and then making better and more appropriate choices in that moment. So I hope that as you listen to these different ages, that you don't get remember, it's a skill. So you may listen and think, right, my child's skill level is here, but it needs to be up here. So what are the things that I can do? So often, you know, when we're talking about young children, we're talking about sort of toddlers, you know, even up to sort of three, meltdowns are really common. And that is because a they've not yet learned how to manage those big emotions. But where we talk about that ability to regulate, we're talking about aspects, you know, parts of the brain that have not yet been fully developed. So when we talk about the prefrontal cortex, basically the area of the brain behind your forehead, that's where problem solving, reasoning, rational decision making comes from. And in younger children, it is not yet developed. But the area of the brain that is involved in terms of those really intense emotions, is still acting, you know, they're often acting from that place too. And also to compound that children in that age and stage, they don't yet have the vocabulary to fully express their feelings. And so they're not able in the same way to deal with the frustration that they experience when we say no, or that they can't do something or they can't express themselves. Now, we know through lots and lots of research that has been shown is that when we, the evidence is that children who have a grasp of basic sign language, so able to express that they're hungry, they're thirsty, they're bored, they're tired, to be able to communicate, usually, evidence reduced emotional outbursts, because fundamentally, you're an 18 month old that can't communicate that you're hungry or that you're tired. What we then see in terms of their behaviour in terms of tantrums is simply a lens into their world. I have no way to explain this to you. So my behaviour is expressive. So that's often why we see those big emotional outbursts at those sorts of age. Now, what we tend to then get as our children move up, so into their period before they start school, is that their emotional outbursts tend to move sort of away from it just being a physical outburst, as in I might throw, you know, a child might throw themselves on the floor, or be quite physical in the way that they express those outbursts, whether that's pushing things, throwing things. What we tend to then begin to see is that they will then begin to verbalise more, because of course, they have language. So they may shout, they may yell, they may scream, they may say no, they may say go away. Obviously, it depends on their language capabilities at that particular time. But we tend to see less of the physical and more of the verbal along with some of that physical. And again, their prefrontal cortex hasn't fully developed. And so they are still going to struggle to manage disappointment, delaying gratification, being told that they can't because they haven't learnt those skills yet. There's still it's still a work in progress. And of course, because our children live very much and particularly younger children are very anchored in the present, that notion of delaying gratification is something that only comes with time. So we again, and we often see when children start school, the variation in terms of emotional regulation is huge. And that is really normal and really typical. As our children become more and more emotional, they're going to be more and more established at school. And in that period of time before they leave their primary school, so up to that sort of age of 12, their emotional outbursts, they could often shift a little bit. Now, it doesn't mean that our children who are younger aren't necessarily doing this. But they can look almost strategic, like they're being deliberately defiant, or they're slamming doors, or they're getting into a verbal argument with us. And often this can be driven by either social challenges, the beginnings of some hormonal changes, or a way of exerting some desire to have a certain element of control. Now, of course, that that can come out in younger children. children but it's a more intentional way of controlling as a six you know when you're older it tends to be much more in terms of you know I want to be able to do do this and you're not allowing me to or I feel like I should have autonomy in this situation and you're not allowing me to and it can be a little bit more strategic in terms of I'm going to do this in order to get my way and you will see more of that if you have got children who have found that that has worked for them in the past. Now let's look at I guess the teen years and the teen years is not necessarily 13 up you know we're seeing a lot of the sort of differences in terms of development really earlier much much earlier but when we're talking about how we're developing our children we're talking about how we're developing our children handling those outbursts what we're thinking when we're thinking about those sort of teen years is the fueling of the significant shift in hormones and we know that this does not happen at 13 it can be earlier and earlier so but I guess what I want you to kind of think about when we're thinking about and seeing emotional outbursts is that it can be exacerbated by these really big and also this desire for independence those sort of teen years if we think about it are characterized by this notion of wanting to be separate entity this sort of pulling away from home but there's also a certain element of vulnerability that still wants to be part of that still wants to be nurtured still wants that sort of mollycoddled for lack of a better word and that's that really isn't the right word but you know these years are characterized by this constant push back and forth and I think that's a really important thing and I think that's a really important pull that they are experiencing of my friends matter more they're so much more important to me than my immediate family in that regard but there's a real deep part of me that has this real sense of belonging and still wants to be that really young child that is then taken care of and looked after and so we've got hormonal shifts we've got these shifts in terms of independence and we have all of the stuff that's going on in terms of their brain development which can then create these these massive shifts in their moods all fueled by this big change in brain development and restructuring and what I often talk about is it's almost like the scaffolding comes in and so it's not that our children who are then going through those sort of teen years are incapable of regulating their emotions it's just simply that I think the scaffolding gets in the way so they experience the emotion in that emotional back brain but they generally find it difficult it's almost like the the scaffolding gets in the way of the emotional back brain and so it's not that our children who are then going through those sort of teen years are incapable of regulating their emotions it's almost like the way of them then taking that journey to that prefrontal cortex where they have developed in those younger school years the ability to understand how best to respond in a particular situation is that it almost gets obstructed so that can be often what we then see so in terms of those ages and stages I really want you to take that as an overview but not an absolute rocket science as in my child is this age and therefore they should be behaving this way for what Mary Ann is saying and that should be fueling or be behind their emotional outbursts but it's not or the behavior itself just seems to be completely different so that gives us a bit of context now before we move into kind of my suggestions about how we might best handle these I just want to talk about some of the key drivers the key mechanisms that drive emotional outbursts full stop but and you can then kind of think when you do that reflective piece after your child's had a big emotional outburst as to actually is it one of these because again it helps us understand where we might need to plug some specific skills gap so you're not worried about
Speaker 2hosting the whole family for the holidays why would I be Wayfair had everything I needed to get the house holiday ready what if Mike brings his cheerful dogs my tree has tons of five-star reviews telling me how sturdy it is but what if everyone's plus one brings a plus one we'll see how extendable this extendable table really is and extra chairs are on the way okay what if there's a blizzard and everyone has to sleep over ready to go with extra bedding and towels from guest ready essentials to holiday decor you can trust Wayfair delivers at Harmony Bank we believe that
Speaker 3better happens together we're a locally owned bank built on relationships and personally committed to your success our community bankers are ready to make quick decisions we're Harmony Bank bureaucracy just a custom approach to help you thrive from business loans to mortgages and everyday banking needs Harmony Bank provides a secure modern experience with a touch of Texas hospitality we're Harmony Bank where better happens together so it could be simply immature
Speaker 1brain development and that is not to do with a lack of skills that's just simply to do with the architecture of their brain and that is simply that the architecture at the front of their brain behind their forehead has not yet fully developed that thinking part the thing that we talk about the executive functioning that higher order problem solving and thinking and I think excuse the pun when we're able to reflect back when our children have an emotional outburst and come to the conclusion that it's an immature brain development I think we stop beating ourselves up about us being really rubbish parents and why is my child behaving this way and and or judgment from others that you know they just allow their children to run amok and do whatever they want because it's just simply that part of the the infrastructure for my child in their brain is just not yet there but it will in time so it can be either that brain has not yet fully developed or it's a lack of skill so this is much more that the architecture is there the neural connections are there our child has just simply not flexed them they've not learned how to do it they've not learned how to do it they've not learned how to do it the neural pathways haven't become hardwired so that those neurons haven't fired together regularly enough that they've ended up wiring together and so our child has developed the ability to self-soothe self-regulate communicate their needs solve their problems in those in those moments delay gratification manage frustration and I would imagine that more often than not it will be a lack of skills in more often than not it will be a lack of skills in those in those moments delay gratification repeat patterns of behavior with our children just simply not being able to manage their big emotions so that is probably going to be the underlying for most but there may well be some additional factors such as in the environment all right so we can have a child who's got the skills and whose brain has developed but there are specific aspects to the environment itself which is making the emotional output which is making the emotional output could be an utter overwhelm and stress there could be in sensory overload and I think quite often we think of sensory overload as much more something that relates to children who are neurodiverse and of course it definitely does have an impact but it can also affect neurotypical children you know there it could be an environment where there is a lot of noise there is a lot of things coming at them from different directions and they're just simply not able in that moment to manage it so it's being aware that these that there are environmental factors unfamiliarity novelty lots of social stimulus that is affecting it and again not just neurodiverse children but also neurotypical and then the other aspect is it could be specifically in terms of developmental milestones so it could be that our child has reached a developmental milestone they're a developmental milestone because within they've transitioned within school away from a play-based school to now they're being much more demands on them so that's the developmental milestone it could be that that is part of the trigger it could be that there is a an increased demand on them being autonomous and acting autonomously and being responsible for things that also may well be triggering it as well as these big shifts in terms of hormones so you know I think it's a just being aware that these are often the key drivers that might be underpinning so how do we handle emotional outbursts what are kind of like best practices or things that we want to consider so I think the first thing I would say is really taking a deep breath in that moment of that emotional outburst and particularly where that emotional outburst is in public take that deep breath and ignore everything else that is going on and just be aware that these are often the key just focus on your child and what they need yeah remember that that emotional outburst is telling you something it's a lens in to their inner world so they could be dysregulated in that moment they could be overwhelmed in that moment they could be being defiant but it's telling us something so yes particularly when it's in public we are likely to feel embarrassed ashamed we might feel that we're a rubbish parent but if we act from a place from this place of embarrassment and shame and feeling that we're a rubbish parent it's likely to make matters worse because what we tend to find when we're in those situations and we think like all eyes are on us and people are watching us is we end up in that like shh and telling our child to behave and telling them to not act like that way which often makes things worse and creates more of an issue so if we can take that deep breath ignore everything almost like blinker the whole environment out and really just look and focus on that child i think also when our child is having an emotional outburst where we know it is around a response that we've given to our child that they do not like then it really is important that we hold the boundary that we have set whether that's not caving in and buying the sweets or the toy or not caving in and extending bedtime by 10 minutes or 15 minutes or you know whatever it might be it's really important in those moments to hold the boundary that we have set and what i would also say if we're in a situation where we're co-parenting and a parent has set a boundary and we may disagree with that boundary and we're having a child who is having an emotional outburst i would really encourage you in that moment to hold the boundary that has been set by the other parent even if you disagree and i'll tell you why i think that that's an important piece first of all children tend to flourish more where there is consistency in the application of parenting they find it difficult where there's inconsistency because that creates confusion and unpredictability in the moment there is a huge emotional outburst but where you stay consistent in that moment the message is very very clear that an emotional outburst does not shift our robust balance and that's why we're in a situation where we're not changing boundaries you can always go back to a child after that emotional outburst has been managed and a discussion with your partner and a reflection that says actually that boundary was too far and that's fine you can go back and say actually you know after careful consideration in that moment on reflection we should have said x instead of y that's a much better way of shifting it because we still communicate very clearly that an emotional outburst has been managed and that's why we're in a situation where there is a huge emotional outburst around defiance or around manipulating a situation to get their way does not pay off if we disagree in that moment and it may well be that there are genuine good grounds for us disagreeing but when we do in that moment we create inconsistency we create unpredictability and we create a potent and potentially if this happens more than once we create this notion that actually when i push my emotions and i act defiantly or i use my emotions as a way of getting what i want do you know what it works sometimes and it it does not have to work a hundred percent of the time it has to work enough for your child to think that is an option even when it does not work even when our children use emotional outbursts as a way of trying to get their own way and it doesn't work they're always going to push the boundaries but where we can apply it consistently in that moment we are more likely over time for our child to learn that using emotions in that way doesn't pay off and then it's just better to kind of then for us to build those skills so hold the boundary that you've set number three is when our children are having an emotional outburst our priority in that moment is to keep our child safe and this may mean doesn't necessarily mean that we're going to have absolutely but it may mean physically removing our child from a situation in order to keep them safe so i'm thinking a child who's thrashing around throwing themselves on the floor or refusing to stay with you particularly when these situations are in public our job in that moment whether it's at home or whether it's outside is to keep them safe and this could mean that we need to remove our child from a situation in order to keep them safe so i'm thinking a child who's thrashing remove them from the situation if we are not able to create a sense of calm and rest and restore and if we do have to remove them if this is something that we're doing in a public situation because we're you know it is the only way we can keep them safe because we've tried to kind of de-escalate and it hasn't worked we want to do so quietly we want to do so calmly we don't need to go into too much language at the time we simply want to reassure them that you're safe you're not i'm not going anywhere as your parent i'm going to stay with you as we ride out this big feeling but we don't get into a that's unacceptable you shouldn't be doing that the reason why i'm now having to remove you it's just calm we can't be throwing ourselves around it's not safe for you to be running away from me when we're out in public let's leave this situation we're going to go sit in the car and then or we're going to go home whatever we need to do in that in this moment it is not safe and therefore i'm going to do that now if we can redirect their their attention in that moment then i would definitely do that if we can and certainly i found that i always have always brought things in my bag for those very moments and it's either putting things in the bag where their attention could be redirected or whether it's you know a shopping list look you know i want you to be in charge of this or giving them some some sense of responsibility in that moment can also be helpful and particularly when that situation is happening in public but what i would say is particularly in the situations where we might anticipate an emotional outburst or we're going to be in a situation in public where we want to plan i'm a and off the cuff and we have to go off and do things but i i have found in my experience as a parent but also in the work that i have done supporting young people is when they have an expect when they know what is happening and they plan for these situations it generally gives us a better outcome so if we can be prepared and plan for any potential triggers in the day then that can be super helpful when we are doing things in you know when we're out in public and there may well be an opportunity for an emotional outburst so whether that's bringing toys whether it's bringing things that we can distract whether we can you know those things and actively encouraging our children to take ownership by packing their own bag when they go out with things that they may need whether that's food as well as actual things that they can take with them i think it has a real that can be really helpful as well as when we're in public if we can involve them by giving them a job to do giving them something that feels meaningful that allows them to engage in what we're doing and often you know we have got a multitude of things that we need to do and our children often have to come with us so where we're able to do that we can often you know offset or mitigate or avoid those public meltdowns because we've done a bit of planning in advance and then the final thing that i would would say is that whether that's in a public situation or a private situation is reflect back and learn you know if this is happening regularly if your child is having or your teen is having an emotional outburst on a regular basis ask yourself what is the skills gap that i need to bridge that we need to look at is it their ability to communicate their needs is it their ability to self-regulate is it their cooperation is it related to their independence are there some commonalities in terms of the level of fatigue that they're experiencing is there a confidence issue here that actually tends to to show up much more when we're out in in a public situation or when we're spending extended periods of time at home because there's a jealousy with a sibling who they believe and they won't articulate this but it tends to come out in terms of their behavior but a sibling that they feel is so much more confident so much more confident that they're much more capable and life is so much easier for them is it that the environments that our child is placed in and this could be even in the home environment is overwhelming it's over stimulating it is too challenging for them in at specific periods of time to be able to manage and are we aware of where our child is developmentally in terms of being able to manage those big emotions and if you're thinking about it as a general developmental it's fundamentally at the base level does my child understand emotions enough to be able to communicate how they're feeling, either in the moment or afterwards? Are they then able to not only communicate their feelings, but also have a bit of a sense of how they might best handle that feeling in that moment? Have they learned to self-soothe? Have they learned that process of self-regulation? The next level up is, are they able to pick up on the cues of others in terms of their other's emotions, and then in terms of adapt and modify their behavior as a result of that? Those are the bits and pieces that we want to kind of be looking at that will offset big emotional outbursts. And how equipped is my child? How often do they manage those emotions? And how often am I either rescuing or I am trading that emotion for something? And instead of allowing my child to fully experience and work through and understand that big emotions come and go, instead I'm trying to pacify, distract, avoid at all costs. And that's particularly where we then end up seeing it really manifesting in public situations, because they've just not learned those, you know, it's a skills gap. And really it's understanding where is my child on that? So if we think about it in that way, that will help us understand where's the gap? Is it at the sort of lowest level that my child just needs to understand what emotions are? And be able to label them and understand how they show up in their body. That's the first level. I can't start moving on to regulation, because they just don't get the emotion bit. And then we can start layering up. So hopefully, I mean, it's a pretty thorough episode. There's a lot of content to take in. And it may well be something that you will want that will be worthwhile revisiting, just because there's just so much that you can take from that. But hopefully that gives you something tangible that you can work towards in terms of where's the skills gap for your now, and then maybe revisit the episode when you've got that bit, and then you then want to layer up to the next level. As always, if you enjoy this episode, if you found it really helpful, any episode that I record that relates to managing emotions or emotional outbursts is downloaded seven times more than any other podcast episode that I have. And that was the data from last year from 2025. And so why not share this episode with a friend, a colleague, a neighbour or someone that you know, who is also battling those emotional outbursts and could really do with a little bit of extra support and advice around strategies. And if you haven't yet done so, why not take a moment to rate and review the podcast so that others can find us and we can spread the love. So until next time. you
PodcastTranscript AI