Malin Akerman: The Hunting Wives, Hustling & Healing

what is up daddy gang it is your founding father alex cooper with call her daddy malin ackerman welcome to call her daddy thank you very much okay i have loved you for so long i have loved you in so many of the roles that you've played 27 dresses the proposal billions oh i love it oh i was a big billions girl strong women yeah my whole family and i would watch it and now obviously most recently the hunting wives and that has just been a phenomenon in itself and i'm just so excited today because obviously yes we've seen you in so many different characters but i also want to get to know you just like as a woman in the industry and talk about all the things so i'm happy you're here i'm so happy to be here you're obviously a very well-established actress but i heard that you host a good party and you you you you you I need to know if it's true that you have a disco ball in your house in la not only do i have a disco ball i have a smoke machine and a laser machine and a dj deck so i'm set up for a dance party whether we're five people or 25 you have a smoke machine i have all of it honey i love to dance and so does my husband walk through what a party is like at your house are we doing seated dinners are we doing it depends on what we're feeling if it's like new year's eve we'll do a nice i love cooking i love i love i love a party if it wasn't this i should have been like a wedding planner um although i don't want to deal with bride zealous maybe just like a party planner but i love i also just love the cash i love making a great cheese plate and lots of dips and and you know just picky food um and then we'll have some cocktails um or many and then whenever we feel like all my friends dance they're all dancers and even husbands who don't really dance get on the dance floor and then we'll have some cocktails and then we'll have some cocktails and then we'll have anything from like i've got a whole sort of array of stuff that we all know like robin and you know like all the classics and then we go into a little bit of like deep house and so we get the night really going and then i have a friend of mine who also djs a friend's husband who's phenomenal then he goes real deep and then i get to dance so we we like trade off it's amazing this sounds like you have the coolest friend group you're like yeah we do a little deep house and then we've been at your cocktail are we doing wine are we so i'm a ranch water girl i love a good ranch water or a dirty martini not too sweet because then it gives you the worst hangover too i've learned my lesson so just a little i do all that i got my girlfriends got me we actually just moved to connecticut this summer so i'm about to put my disco but i have my own disco room in the new house so one day you'll come over it's going to be a 70s den it's going to be awesome i'm very excited oh my god you're a connecticut girl now i am it's very hard to say that i feel i keep saying to people like i'm on the east coast real close to just outside new york i'm a new york girl yeah and they're like no no no you're connecticut but yeah i grew up on the east coast and some of my family lives in connecticut and i just it's a very different world but you know shonda rhymes lives there i do know that and so like okay some of you are populating that area we've got some good actresses and like showrunners over there yeah there's a lot there's a lot of art artistic people who moved into the area where they where we live there's like an arts community an actual like visual arts and clay making community so it feels a little bit separate it just you know we have a 13 year old boy and our boy is a nature boy through and through i called my husband yesterday i was like what are you guys doing he's like i haven't seen her son for five hours he's out with the neighborhood kids biking with their fishing rods on their bikes going to different ponds and fishing that's a dream it is a dream he's not a tablet kid he's a nature kid exactly that's what we want and we're like what we're going back to the 50s this is amazing and i get to go into new york whenever i need that little like kick you know okay we'll speaking of nature yes because i remember the first time i watched hunting wives and i was like i had no idea obviously what to expect i don't think any of us did honestly and then when season one came out it was so new and different and it was a different take i feel like we haven't seen this on television it caused a lot of conversation sure did when you first read this script were you immediately like yes put me in were you hesitant i was definitely hesitant um mostly because i just wasn't sure for me it's so much about the tone i wasn't sure if it was like a very kind of campy um you know desperate housewives like i wasn't sure what we were making here if it was making fun of itself or if you're in on the joke or like so all of that i went oh this is like it's walking a really fine line and i but i but i do have to say that i'm you have to say this when i first started reading it i couldn't put it down sort of like the binge-worthy television that it became it was the same thing reading the script so after episode three or four of reading it i looked at my husband i was like can you please read this because i need to know if this is good or bad because it's like a good bad but a bad good and like where are we at he couldn't stop reading he's like are you kidding me this was like taylor made for you you have to do this and i was like wait when you say taylor made for me what part do you mean it gets me specific there buddy wait a second and it's not your fantasy reel right because this is there's a lot going on but i really i then met with rebecca cutter our show creator and erwin stoff our producer and they kind of laid it out and they were like listen we need this to be as grounded as possible because the situations are so wild that if we bring in these characters as real characters but let the situations be the crazy bit then i think we can make a really great show and i was like i'm in i'm in i'm in i'm in that makes some much sense because i obviously as the consumer and the viewer we're watching you guys and we see the final product yeah but i can't imagine seeing like the bare bones of a script yeah that is interesting i also heard that the pegging scene for you you were like hmm some there's something there too oh that made me want to do this show even more i mean i'm not the one doing that scene which also made it better but i was like wait a second i personally have never seen this on television before it's probably out there but i was like this is so brave i love it so much i think this is so true to so many relationships as well nobody's talking about it so i was like this is this is a brave woman putting this out there and like how exciting to have this sort of sexual freedom and change the narrative a little bit of what's on television right now i completely agree also your character she is a very sexually liberated woman which is again exciting to me and i think it's a very exciting thing to see on television what was it like leaning into that part of that character and the amount of nudity were you like oh let's go were you hesitant i really love the depiction of a woman who is sitting in her power um and who has this sexual freedom and who has a relationship with her husband that allows this again it's one of those things where you're like i have spoken to many people who have these kinds of relationships guys it's not but the narrative's not out there and so you know mine is some of the crazy like not the murder and not the you know but like people i feel like um just i would love an awakening of it's okay like let's just talk about let's talk about sex baby i i agree you know and i also feel like something that really hit well for me was like it feels like we're watching a show that is portrayed through the female gaze for sure and that to me has been fascinating watching something be so yet again you know pushing the boundaries we're used to watching through the male gaze yeah and like have you and the other actresses talked about how to bring that to life absolutely that also was a big conversation we have it was all female directors which was really cool um i'm always a person who says like best person for the job but totally but this has been really great to have a female showrunner and creator uh female directors women that i get to work with who i adore who are phenomenal actresses so to be able to have these conversations with our lady directors and go what do we find sexy what do we think would look beautiful how can we depict this so that it's something that is sexy and wild and women will watch and go yeah okay um and i feel like i feel like we succeeded in that i feel like it was really beautiful and sexy and soft and wild and like all the things that i like to watch it is fun to watch you bring that to life it's wonderful um i love britney snow i've had her on the show before and i just i love following her career and i feel like all of us became obsessed because we're like your guys friendship i feel like we've seen you at basketball games together we've seen you kind of like hanging out and i just need to know like what was it like when you guys first went from being like okay we're gonna do this job together to like oh we actually may have a friendship here it's been the most beautiful friendship journey ever she really is one of my closest friends now i feel like she's more of a sister than anything like i feel like she's really family um i know that's weird to say about someone that you're making out with all the time but uh i just adore her as a human being as an actress i think she's incredibly talented but we you know we didn't know each other we didn't even get a chance to like do a chemistry read or meet before doing this show so we all got out there maybe a week or 10 days we started shooting and Britt and I just went, okay, should we go out for dinner and like get to know each other a little bit? And there was just, we right away, I think we both, I know she'll say the same because we've said in interviews, we both sat there and went, oh, this is going to be great. We're going to do just fine. There was like, we were laughing, we were trauma bonding, we were, you know, all the things. And, you know, especially on those days with the intimate scenes, it's really important to have somebody that you feel like you can trust fall with. And there's no agenda. There's no one out to like make you look bad or it's just this beautiful, it's, it is a beautiful love story that's kind of paralleling, you know, real life. Our friendship just flourishing. And I, I miss her when I'm not around her. I can't wait to go back to work. And so we feel so fortunate that we all are so supportive of each other. And it's amazing what women can do when we support one another. Yes, it is. Amen. Rule the world. Amen. Your character also has a really complicated relationship with her brother and her family. And I feel like, yes, I've watched you in so many roles. And that's why I was excited to talk to you today. Cause I'm like, I want to get to know more about you. So I guess take me back a little bit. Like what was your life like growing up? What was the dynamic in your house like? Um, so I was born in Sweden. We moved to Canada when I was two years old. Um, because my dad, we didn't have a lot of money. So my dad got a job offer. It was actually between Toronto or New York and he chose Toronto cause he thought it was better to raise kids there. So I could have been a New Yorker, but I love, I loved growing up in Toronto. It's a great city. Canadians are very nice. Um, and then he got another job offer that was offering a bit more money back in Sweden and he wanted to go back. My parents were already married. So I was like, my parents were already kind of on the outs and my mom wanted to stay in Canada. So it ended up being, you know, there's always like the silver lining is always there and everything because it meant that I got to spend three months out of the year in Sweden. I'd go every summer, March break, Christmas and spend that with my father and then be with my mom during the year. Um, so, you know, it was kind of like a single mom situation. And then my stepdad came in, my first stepdad who I adore and they had a child together. My dad remarried, had two girls. So I've got a really like eclectic family. Got three siblings that are half siblings. It's always, um, when there's a divorce in the family at a young age, I'm always so interested to know, like, how was it explained to you? Like, did you know why they were getting separated? Not well. I mean, I was only six to be fair. I can't really remember. I just remember the moment though, because we were in Sweden and my dad was like going into this new office to check some, we were there for the summer. And I can't remember how it came out. I don't know. I don't know. I don't remember. But my mom ended up spilling the beans and saying, you know, your dad's going to stay here and he's going to, because he got a job and you and I are going to go back to Canada. And I started bawling my eyes out. And my dad got in the car and was like, what just happened? She's like, I told her what's happening. Um, and I just remember my dad, he's the most positive human in the world. And he's like, but you know what? It's going to be great because you're going to be here all summer and you're going to, so, you know, it was just, I didn't know anything about the dynamics of their relationship or what had happened. And to be fair, it was very amicable. They went to each other's weddings. They like, they're still friends. We've spent Christmases together. So it wasn't, um, it wasn't jarring in that way. Uh, which was really nice. Of course. Something I also think is interesting is like when you saying kind of growing up in a single parent household for a while with your mom, I know you've lightly talked about how she struggled with depression growing up, but I'm curious, like, how did that, how did you make sense of that at a young age, having your mom, I know you've said like, some days she would put herself in a room and be gone for a couple of days. Yeah, that was, it was tricky. I was a teenager by that time. And this was after the failure of her second marriage, unfortunately. So we, we were back to just being the two of us in the, in the house for a little bit. And I think the tricky part was it was so taboo to talk about mental health, which nowadays it's like we have mental health days. We have, it's amazing. I let my son has learned so much in schools, you know, going to progressive schools. It's all about feelings. But back then it just, I mean, especially my mother's generation, there was no such thing as going to therapy and like working on that stuff. So it wasn't, we just didn't have the dialogue. She didn't have, you know, the words to explain what was going on to me, nor does she have the energy, you know, for people who know anything about depression, it just sucks the life out of you. So it was tricky just because as a kid, you manifest it very differently and you don't, and you sometimes make it very personal and you're like, is it me? Am I doing this to this person? Um, and obviously like over time and going to therapy and are going to there and we're now having the words for it and the dialogue and the sensibility, it's been beautiful to like go on that journey together. But back then, of course it was hard. It was sad to see her. I feel terrible for her that she was going through that. And I wasn't able to be there for her as a, because had I known what I know now, I would have at least been able to understand it and support her from which, in whichever way it could. Totally. And I think that's what is helpful about talking about it when we're at a place where we have perspective, right? How do you think it shaped your personality at the time? Like subconsciously or consciously? But I think there was an understanding at a very young age that I needed to look elsewhere for some sort of mentorship to, um, understand who I wanted to be in life and what I wanted to put forward as a growing woman. So, you know, um, it's this, this, my analogy is like having a suitcase and unpacking the suitcase and going, oh, this is mine and this is not mine. And like, I need to get rid of that and that narrative or that story that I've been telling myself or that, because it was, I would say my teenage years, I would say my teenage years, I would say my teenage years were confusing. Um, but I also had really great friends and really great people around. Um, and we had a blast. Um, and I traveled a lot as a teen at 16. I went to Milan for to do modeling and I went to Spain and I went to Greece and all on my own. And that's when I think about that and I look at 16 year olds now, I'm like, that's insane. No, it's a child. When I was researching, I was like, hold on. You, so you started also from what I understand living on your own at 16. Yeah. I was on my way out to move to Toronto. We were living in a small town outside of Toronto. And I was like, mom, I'm actually going to go in and get roommates. Cause I'm going to model for a while for the summer. Um, and I was on my way out to do this, this like journey for myself. And then I ended up staying and getting an apartment and just kind of, my dad helped me with that, with the apartment. I just had to make the money to buy the groceries and do the everyday stuff. 16. Yeah. Moving out. That is like so young, but also shows like you had this part of you. Like you said, you were kind of trying to discover obviously yourself. You're looking for who do I want to be? Who am I? And the modeling industry from what I know, it's like, you want to get in it and then you're in it and you're like, wait, wait a second. I know you've talked about this before, but I do think because there are young women that listen, if you don't mind just talking about like, there was this like chaperone situation that I know when I've had to cut, some conversations with models before about like the model homes. Like, can you explain what these chaperones were supposed to be doing for you? Yes, I can. Um, so I didn't have to have a chaperone because I was 16 or 17, which I think there's like a cap there where maybe you have to be 15 and in Europe to be considered an adult depends on where you're going. But any girls who were younger than that, and there were 13 and 14 year old girls, their parents had to sign them off to a chaperone and that chaperone would bring them to, there was like a BBC undercover, um, documentary on this later on. And it was the guy who we used to get in his car. He would take us to the clubs and feed the girls cocaine and alcohol. I was not part of the cocaine part. Um, I did enjoy the alcohol, but you know, it was like, they would ship us off. They would get the girls. There were, there was one girl who it was awful. She was 14. Her parents had signed her off there. The guy was like, we're going to take great care of her. She's from a small town in Texas. She was beautiful. And I remember her coming home one night in tears because what they would do at some of the modeling agencies, they bring us out to dinners and there'd be a few older men and they kind of pointed some girls and the owner of the modeling agency would say, you should go out with so-and-so. He wants to take you out for dinner. He's a really great, whatever photographer or this or that he's going to make you a star. And so these young girls would go out and this girl had come home and he had forced her to give him a BJ. And she was just devastated. And, um, and we were like, girl, you got to go home. Just go home, call your mom right now and tell her to come get you or get on a plane. But that stuff was happening all the time. I had a really cool roommate when I was there when I was 16, she was 20. And so she took me under her wing, but I also was like, this isn't, this wasn't a career choice for me either. So I didn't care about my rising stardom in the modeling world. Um, but it was, everywhere you looked, there was, um, terrible things going on. A lot of me, two moments a lot of i was sent to a photographer's house on a weekend um at 16 and i walk in and there was no hair and makeup there's no stylist just me and him older man in his 60s maybe and so we do the photo shoot and he starts going uh take off your top and i'm wearing a bra and a lot of times you do beauty shots for just like your shoulders like okay fine and then he kept coming up and sort of touching my face he's like okay now take off the bra and i was like you know what i'm really not feeling comfortable with that we went back and forth for a minute and he got so mad he took the light stand and threw it at my head he just missed i walked out of there the next on monday i walked into the agency and i was like hey this is what happened by the way this guy's crazy you need to like get rid of him and they were like what do you want us to do he's the best photographer we've got that was it i was like so you're gonna send 13 14 15 year old girls there and they're not going to be able to stand up for themselves it was wild it's just so wild too because i think somehow we still are a little bit like used to just being like oh that's kind of like what happens and then you just try to get out and you're like no this can't be normal this should we shouldn't have to be in these positions as young girls yeah i also feel like a lot of times that can happen to women when you are being made to feel like you should just be so grateful to get the opportunity there's like a manipulation that happens where you feel really small and you get really quiet because you're like oh i guess i'm i shouldn't speak up yeah and i just had this conversation with another actress where she was like they would pit us and the women against each other so we kind of wouldn't talk about it and then all of a sudden you start to be like hold on a second i think this is happening to all of us but it takes a second so oh wow it's manipulation it's also just that control thing of um you know again it's you don't want to be blackballed you don't want especially girls who are trying to make it their career they're like i don't want to say anything in case i don't get the chance to become the next supermodel or whatever so i wrote down which i thought was so interesting i've heard you talk about before um how swedish culture and like this viking mentality and how they empower women can you explain a little bit about what that is because clearly it feels like it's helped you in your life you being 16 being like um i just had a bad experience with this photographer we need to report this like i'm like okay mollen tell me about that um i think first of all i think that's one thing that i'll tell you about my mom is that she's a freaking viking like she goes to the dentist she's and she gets a root canal she doesn't get freezing she's like i want to know what you guys are doing like we're not going to joke around here i'm like you got a root canal without freezing i won't go that far she is a true viking but i do think that there's something and i don't know if it's a viking mentality or not but there's um there's uh this i guess it's just i've talked about this with my husband trying to like wrap my head around it but just it's almost like you have a parent and they go here are the here are the things that like here are kind of the rules but uh the things that work but you do what you think is best for you and that's how everyone's grown up so there's like this logic and there's an equal playing field for men and women is what it feels like and i've noticed when i've been there that the women are more the aggressors when you go out than the men the men kind of like sit back and are a little bit shyer and a little again we're talking about like the 90s when i was out being single in the 90s but there is something about that where um it just felt like women took what they wanted and that was really cool whereas here there's this mental i've been talking to like some young girls when i've been on sets and they're like i i my friends are telling me don't reach out to him because that's too desperate or that's i'm like what are you talking about do you like the guy call him text him why are we playing this game but there is a different type of um language over there than there is here around sort of who approaches who there's no three-day rule of don't text him back or like you like a guy you go get it you like something you go get it you know it is crazy though to hear of like the way that you can be conditioned at a young age and how much it can impact you and how much you can actually set these young women and young men up for more success when it's like ingrained in them from a young age if you like something go get it you know it doesn't have to be gender appropriate yes yes yeah okay so we end up kind of like moving on from modeling we go into acting you move to la did you know anyone in la when you were like i'm going to become an actress no i had but i convinced my best friend to move with me she was also like dabbling in it we were bartending together in toronto putting ourselves through university and the modeling kind of picked up and then there that turned into like some tv commercials and then some really small roles on really shitty canadian tv shows and then i got an audition and they flew me out to la to do a like a screen test and i didn't get the part but there was a manager who was like hey you should come out to la i think you really do well and so i turned to my best girlfriend who was also my roommate at the time who i was also bartending with and i was like babe let's just do it we're 23 years old like we're bartending school can wait we can come back to it if this doesn't work out and she did so it was just the two of us us against the world and this manager who kind of took me on and was sending me out on auditions nothing happened the first however long year i got nothing how were you making money nothing it was like residuals and stuff from like back when we had worked in toronto and sometimes and she got one job like an mtv job which was great and so she brought in some we were a couple like we we put down a down payment on apartment we had no money for furniture so we like fluffed all our sweaters on the floor that was our mattress we got two bucks and we were like oh my god i'm so sorry i'm so sorry i'm so sorry i'm so sorry i'm so sorry i'm so sorry i'm so sorry i'm so sorry i'm so sorry i'm so sorry i'm so sorry i'm so sorry um we you know it was four for one um ramen noodles we'd go to the bank in the morning and get the little free muffins and coffee and pretend like we're checking our bank account which we didn't have it was a good one it was so much fun but it took a good well it took a while i then was like this isn't working i met these guys who were in a band and they're like do you want to be the singer of the band and i was like yeah sure why not i don't sing but and they were three italians and like we will teach you and i was like okay so we did the band thing for a year and a half did the whole la circuit that's so i love how you just casually like yeah then these like three italian men were like do you want to be our lead singer yeah and i'm like oh what were you singing at open mic night nothing literally nothing it was i went in there because he was doing some sort of oh i had done i that's right i did get one job i got one like really tiny indie film for zero dollars and the guitarist was doing the adr all the like um audio work for the film and that's when he's like do you sing and i was like no and he's like well let me test your voice would you like to sing i was like who doesn't dream of being a rock star like let's be honest molyne we and do you have a good voice no that's why i didn't make it as a singer it was fine it was fine band though is where you met your ex-husband that's right and he's the drummer and he did not speak english at the time he barely spoke english and you did not speak italian no so logistically explain to all of us girlies how did you you guys have heard a language of love right yes i'm like how did you guys like flirt you're using the dictionary like we sure were there was before before smartphones and we would do our day session and then at the end of the day we'd grab a bottle of wine and a pack of cigarettes and we'd sit on the balcony him and i and we would like he had a few words and i spoke french so it was like i could kind of understand certain things but we literally had a dictionary and we're like learning each other's languages oh it was really romantic it was really fun it was really you really get engaged in the person you know when they're with you you are really with them um and nothing to distract you and then of course we were just we were physically attracted to each other and there was something there that was just bringing us together um and we were also the only two single people in the band so there you worked out well there you go so six years after you guys got married you had your son um and then you separated only like four months after that what kind of led you to make that decision oh so many things it it wasn't how we planned it and for anyone who has had children or who is having children uh there's um there's a beautiful quote that i read that and i will i will paraphrase it but it was from a mother and she said you know allow yourself to mourn the fantasy of what you thought it was so that you can step into the joy of what it is and that i really held on to that because a child changes you it changes the dynamics in your relationships it takes a really strong relationship to keep that together and we just didn't have that again we kind of simulated what my mom and dad went through we're still friends we just went to italy we all hung out together my son was with his papa um but it was just that thing where we both sat there and went this doesn't work with us as parents together but it just unfortunately became so that we couldn't work it out is there anything that you have advice on of like what do you think is the most important thing for you as a parent and as a what do you think conversations should happen before you have kids i do actually tell us i really think that you know there's for me anyway were young you know we met in our 20s and um it it was just kind of the whirlwind love story of you fall in love you get married you have kids and how beautiful life is well it doesn't work that way there's communication is is key and i know we've all heard it before but we were not communicating i mean we barely spoke the same language so you know just we hadn't talked about parenting how we wanted to parent what that looked like for us we hadn't talked about what our schedules might be like who was going to be home who was going to be out who was any of the logistics like there was nothing we were so naive stepping into this so it was really the mindset of two very young people young mindsetted people and and also um you know what i've learned over the years is my own stuff where i was very happy to kind of keep everyone at an arm's length that was sort of the survivor in me where i was like i got this because i've gotten this my whole life so i'm not going to let anyone in i got me and that's hard when you're in a relationship you can't do that and i had to learn that i had to learn that intimacy wasn't just physical the intimacy is is the dialogue that you have with someone and we just didn't have it that's such good advice though because i agree with you that sometimes especially in young relationships you think you're having the conversations and then when a child comes or something you hear people be like we literally never talked about parenting and then you're watching your partner and it's not even their fault they're just doing the thing and you're like we i don't like how you're doing that or i'm doing this and this is how i was raised and you why are you yeah and then all of a sudden it's like so hard to keep the train on the tracks because you're also like we need our priority needs to be this child totally but what about us and so that makes a lot of sense yeah also how did you process for anyone maybe going through a marriage and also entering motherhood at kind of like a same time girl it was a lot it was a lot and again i think from my dad i've always tried to see the silver lining um was it hard yeah um to be going through a divorce i just started back at work i was now bringing my son with me to work luckily i was producing on the show that i was starring in so my office space turned into a nursery it's like the beauty is i got to have him with me every day it was lovely um but it was really hard to be mourning the end of a relationship doing a comedy stepping into motherhood being up all night feeding him you know and then going to work um but i had a best girlfriend of mine who moved in with me when he was six so two months after my husband and i split my best girlfriend moved in with me she ended up living with me for a year and a half because she works from she can work from home and it was the best experience we've ever had um we were so sad that we weren't couldn't be lovers she's more like a sister right i wish i wish i was sexually attracted to her it's like this is the perfect relationship but then we were like but maybe that would get in the way of this relationship anyway we loved it we had the best time and is where the um the dance party started as well every sunday i have a neon sign and it and it became sebi sundays because every sunday i invite all the parents all my friends and and non-parents come over hang by the pool pop the rosé kids are roaming around this is great put the kids to bed the music comes out the disco ball goes on and we dance all night and we like dance our troubles away and it was the best most cathartic it was like celebrating the good things in life you know and seeing the community that i had versus seeing the losses so it was a lot but after so i had like two years of that and then i had a year of of reckoning where i was like okay i started doing transcendental meditation learning how to do that i started doing some deep deep therapy on figuring out who i was what my intimacy issues were why i was keeping people at arm's length how to kind of navigate that and just shifting and seeing who i am now in my 30s as a mother single mother in the world and what does that mean to me so it took some time to figure that out well first of all i love that you leaned into your friend because i can imagine there's so many women that are like note to self if it doesn't work with my husband make sure my best girlfriend moves in with me to help raise my child in those beginning days that is like it's like a tv pilot i'm like it is like we talked about that too we're like should we write a show about that is the dream of all dreams it was amazing um i want to talk about a little bit about because i know you yes we're in that relationship for almost 11 years yeah so then to come out of that focus on career and your child and then you eventually did meet your husband jack but through all of this first i want to know what drew you to him well so jack funnily enough i had known him over the years because he's my sister one of my sisters husband's good friends from england they went to drama school together so he would come into town i met him twice before like that third year where we met and everything clicked but he had come over to my pool where we all hung out with the disco ball um and i'd met him and i was like nice guy cool obviously was like not in the headspace he had a girlfriend um but that third year where he came back into town we had all gone out to hamburger mary's for drag queen bingo and had a blast and he sat beside me and we just got into conversation it was after the year of my like self-care year and i was still in the mindset of like honey i'm never getting married again never having a kid i have a rolodex of people i can call up anytime for a booty call and i'm loving life right now he i was like if you want to be part of that rolodex of booty calls all good you can be part of that but you are a seven years younger boy and you're going back to england but you are super cute and so and it was that moment where i was like he's really so that's when i asked my now brother-in-law i was like tell me about jack like is he is he this good of a guy that he's like putting out there is this an act and he goes no he actually is a really great guy and i was like okay so we started dating and and i had told him like come on over hang by the pool but let's not be physical in front of my son um and you don't have to try with the kid because you're not going to be his dad like just chill um but he came over and him and my son were like they were just drawn to each other and they had so much fun together and of course my heart just went oh my god look at how he is with this kid it's unbelievable but we had many conversations that i never had with the ex where i was like listen if we're going to be dating for a little while i'm testing some new material out i'm trying to be vulnerable i'm trying to be intimate i'd like to share stories with you that i usually don't share with people because i feel like that puts me in a vulnerable place but i'm practicing it right now and i would practice it with him and he would just go that's it and i was like wait you're not you're not getting up and running away because it's because of how crazy these stories are so it was really um it was it really shifted a lot of things for me because he's an incredible communicator and he really you know i think between girlfriends you can kind of read what's beneath the waterline we're like how are you and they're like good and you're like oh it's so nice and i'm like oh my god i'm so happy that you're not good he does that with me he sees me through and through and i've never had that in a relationship before well what a blessing also to have done the year of work that you're talking about and started kind of on this self-discovery journey then to meet you have to believe also that maybe you wouldn't have looked at him in that way had you not done this i wouldn't i saw him i met him two years in a row and like none of that it was like cute sweet guy but nothing happened there and then once i came into myself and you know it's that the universe provides it does you do your work and then it kind of gifts you it does yeah is there anything you can share that you had really not explored until you got into therapy that you're like oh maybe this is holding me back like why do i do that in relationships that's a pattern that i need to break i think it was the protecting my heart i think it was i think it i think it was having my father who was like my everything as a kid moving to sweden and i think it was and and as much as it wasn't abandonment it felt like abandonment you know it's in the fiber of your dna you can logically you can understand so many things but your body has to catch up and i think that my body was protecting itself from abandonment and so i think in any relationship i was just putting my hand up and going don't get too close because i also you're obviously going to leave at some point and i said that to jack too i was like i've got i've figured this out about myself that i will try to push you away just to prove to myself that you're gonna go and he just went okay i'm just gonna stay and i was like okay and in my head i'm going you're not gonna stay it was just it was wild what was happening and i was just the beauty of going to is that you garner an awareness of the dialogue that you have in your head and you're checking yourself and you're and and both jack and i are huge fans of esther perel and so we talk a lot he's like you know in a relationship there's three people there's you there's him and there's the relationship and you have to treat it like its own thing so we have these really cool conversations of like how i'm doing like this is my shit i'm so sorry this is coming up and like i'm dealing with it but this is why i'm acting this way or sometimes i'm like hey your shit's coming up deal with it and then we're like we need to talk about our relationship so it's really we speak the same language and i think what's so also amazing for anyone who's listening or watching that is in their self-discovery trying to get into therapy era essentially what's really incredible to hear is that yes you were doing the self-work but it also did take a partner who was willing to respect you on that journey because i've been in relationships prior to my husband where i was in therapy i was trying to make progress and then when you're hitting the wall with someone when you're trying to do that and it's not working like i'm sure on those dates that you were going through you were trying to make progress and then when you're hitting the on and the boys for the booty calls you're like you're not completely not open to talking to them but they weren't giving you clearly anything that was worth your time or your energy right i wasn't even at that place yet okay you're like i'm actually not talking about even i was really keeping them i really knew what that was and i was disco ball okay with that and i love that there is a time and place for just having fun okay you deserved that i deserved it after 11 years i was like i can do whatever i want you do deserve that but i do think that's beautiful to like have met jack and been like okay now i'm gonna test material on you literally like i'm gonna try to see if what i'm working on and it worked i was just talking to a girlfriend of mine who just got out of a relationship and she's like i'm out in the dating game and like what do i do i was like girl just say the things that are on your mind so that they know exactly who you are what you stand for what are your values what like so that they know who you are and if that doesn't fit them then they can go and you're on to the next because i think so often we get attracted to someone physically you like drawn to someone and then you want to make it work you want to fit yourself into that square you know and and you're like around or whatever you know what i'm talking about yeah thank you you know that thing that thing we all know it we've all done it we've all done it and a lot of people live in that and then eventually that doesn't work out so i i that's the other thing where i was like i think that it's just that thing of as honest as you can be and practicing because you can go to therapy and you can you can work yourself out but once you get in a relationship that shit doesn't fly anymore you have it's a whole other animal you're dealing with someone else's stuff too and you have to understand how to do that you have to practice your own stuff that comes up because we we mirror each other it's such a good point i'm so curious now though because you said at the beginning when you met him you were like never getting married again no more kids how did your view on marriage evolve as your relationship evolved oh boy um it was really wild because it was the first guy that i had been with since the the divorce that i within weeks was like i want to have a baby with this guy my body was like yearning to have a child and i kept asking myself like what's wrong with me i didn't want another kid what's happening um so there was something just out of my control that was really pulling me towards him um and i think you know what's wrong with me we just really fell hard for each other and he had never been married before um and over time we were just talking about sort of the logistics which is unromantic but just about him coming into the family and being a stepfather to sebastian and what that looked like and you know being married makes it easier to travel with the kid and like you know there's he's gotten pulled into interrogation rooms at the border control when he's just traveling with my son when he was young and i think that's one of the things that i think was kind of unological in the in sort of in that sense we were like we should probably get married but also we both wanted to get married we wanted a celebration as you know we both like to dance we're like what's the best celebration we could do um so we actually um had this happy medium where we we went to vegas got married in vegas low white wedding chapel officially went and saw cirque de soleil because one of his brothers is in cirque ceremony and everything and had his um one of his best friends officiate in tulum on the beach barefoot and had a dance party i have a good time you're like i can hang i was gonna say i'm like it's the discos it's the it's we're going to vegas we're going to tulum we'd like to have fun i'm like girl like to bring in the joy oh my god oh wow that's really cute so it was great is it true that i think i read this where you had said you didn't want to use the word forever in your vows i didn't explain explain so again going on with this honesty vulnerable intimate journey um with myself and with my partner i just said you know if we're going to get married and i'm doing this again i want to do it in a really honest way and i don't want to say forever because it doesn't always turn out that way and that's okay too and i don't want to be held to that i want to be held to this chapter right now and what we're going through so i just want it to be the most honest a set of vows that we've ever said um of where we're at right now and so we did because i was like i feel like i'm lying if i say forever because i i can't see the future i have no idea and i also don't want to stay in this relationship if it's not working for us anymore later later on in life but and honestly if it doesn't work out with jack it's not going to work out with anyone yeah we're done then i'm good that's it commune with my girlfriends whoever wants to come in and out bring it okay your son is now 13 when it comes to identity i am curious because i feel like everyone like a lot of women i've talked to talk about how when you enter motherhood you kind of go through like your identity shifts and there will be times where in again a newborn phase and who am i and what am i doing in my career like in what ways has your identity changed continued to evolve as you as your own individual while also being a mother um i think that in the beginning it's that again it's that for me it was that loss of freedom of my life it's gone the life life as you know it is no longer so you gotta say goodbye to that that's why i kept going back to that quote like more in the fantasy that you thought it was gonna be and enjoy what it actually is and it took a minute to get into the rhythm of becoming a mother again just because i was dealing with so many different moving parts yeah but when you really start to step into it and you are present to what motherhood is it is so incredible to get it's almost like you get a second lease on life like you get to live it all again through your child's eyes and with even more feeling like it's like you feel double because it's for them and it's it's been really wild because my identity is very much linked to my son it's like walking out without your jewelry on i feel naked when i don't have him oh that sounded weird but you know what i mean i get it but but it's like um uh a piece of me is missing without him now and he's so much a part of my life and my identity and i love that about who i am i love being a mother um i i think it's actually really beautiful and powerful and there's something sexy about being a mother about stepping into this womanhood that i feel really again this is just my personal journey but i feel like i'm complete i i've done the things that i wanted to do um as a woman and uh feeling like a woman again like a grown woman versus a young girl um and that's what motherhood taught me is to just step it up and maybe become beautiful more aware how do you think it's changed your perspective on your relationship with your own mom and everything that she went through i think it changes everything you you really have more time for everything you know when you're a teenager we're all brats at some point and our parents are the worst um and then when you yourself become a parent you go oh this is it's hard it's hard and we're only doing the best that we can and i have most certainly messed my son up in some sort of way there's going to be something he's going to one day if he wants to get a therapist but it's just like you get so much more um understanding and uh i think you just kind of loosen the grips a little bit and you are grateful for what they did do and you see them as people i think more than parents it's like these are people who are just who tried their best right and i appreciate that and thank you talking about finding silver linings you've referenced that a couple times and i know you were saying that you're not going to like your dad always found the silver lining and i can feel that energy from you which is so refreshing and positive that you're trying to like always look at how can we look at this in a positive way when you look back at all of your life experiences and what made you who you are today um how do you just overall apply that mindset and if you have any advice for people who are kind of maybe going through it right now and need a mindset shift it takes a long time yeah i think we have to look at what our inner dialogue is i think it's that whole thing of um your mind is so powerful and we speak to ourselves in such a brutal way i feel like it's we say things to ourselves that we'd never say to anyone else and we have to stop it i think it's being aware it's taking a bird's eye view of how you're operating in life what's not working for you change it if that's not working do something do it differently um and that's easier said than done but it's baby steps it's little by little of just have a different dialogue with yourself try something different I feel like I've had so many conversations with women about how when we were younger and you're this young girl and obviously we are told by society like our value is when we're at our prime which is like weirdly like 18 and 21 and like so that's not your prime it's literally not your prime no all the women that I have sat in this room with it just I just like I just keep finding out more and more about how life just keeps getting better the more experiences you have and the older that you get like how has womanhood gotten better for you with age because you don't care what people think anymore you can't please everyone you really really can't and that's also who I am at the core was at the core was such a people pleaser it was like this puppy dog just going love me love me love me I'll shapeshift I'll be a chameleon I can be anybody you want me to be that's gone once you start getting older and you're like oh wait a second I don't have to do this for anybody you either like me or you don't I'm trying to be a good human but if you don't like what I'm doing or what I'm saying then be gone you know I know um let's let's finish out with season two um I can speak for everyone and I know I can speak for everyone when I say we are so excited that we are getting this season two I cannot wait to just binge this I'm just so ready to see you all back on my screen is there anything you can just like lightly tell us about what to expect um it is so hard this I always find the hardest thing to do because I want to give it all away to you I want to tell you everything um it's equally as crazy as the first season oh my god you're not going to be disappointed there are new people who've come in there are people who are going to die um there are some shocking moments which I don't have to tell you because you know what this show is but like what was different for us about second season is we were reading the scripts as we went along they were being written whereas first season it was all one to eight was written we knew what was happening so we would get scripts sometimes and we would sit there and go oh my what this this is happening wait a second we call each other we're like oh my god can you believe this oh that's so funny I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know it's so fun so it's we got to experience it hopefully the way you guys are going to get to experience it but yes there is one specific moment that is shocking that you everyone will be like I can't believe they just did this yeah oh my god okay now I'm like okay bye I need to go watch it right now you said that you you know tried to keep Margot's character grounded and not let her kind of become this caricature which we talked about at the beginning of this but how did you intentionally bring that to life this season and like did you approach anything differently than the first season I think there was I think Brittany will say this in all of the cast members we felt a lot more secure walking into this season we knew who these characters were we weren't trying to find them just like the first season we also knew how it had hit with audiences yes you're like everyone loves us no but it was so great we're like this is so nice to have an audience base and we're like oh my god we're like oh my god we're like oh my god we're like oh and going oh we we want to satisfy them now we're like oh my god we want this to be so good for them you had someone to like fight for you know what I mean um but it was it was the same rules where we there were some really crazy situations again and Brittany and I we spend a lot of time figuring out how to make some of the dialogue that is crazy feel real because we just don't want to bring it to that other side and we're like oh my god we're like oh my god we're like oh my god we're like oh uh-huh um where we're in like an SNL skit but we we worked a lot together on finding the real moments and making it as believable as possible in these unbelievable situations so it's yeah it keeps it you try to keep it grounded and and you have to for yourself in order to do that um figure out a way in the mind of Margot Banks that this makes sense that this is a real thing I see um the wig situation yes you know the wig situation caused a lot of conversation after season one or it was like the first episode and then it continued yeah how are we feeling about the wigs this season love we we we upped our game this season okay we got budget we got budget we got a real wig maker who really knew what they were doing it I I mean I'll let you guys be the judge of it but I really think there's a huge difference and I think it looks great I love that for you and I love that for us yeah you previously said in an interview and you've kind of talked about it that like this cast has just hit it off and you guys would hang out every weekend and the nights that you could and it was just so fun are there any just like little fun memories that you can kind of share with us that happened during filming of season two oh my gosh well we went to Charleston South Carolina for Britney's 40th birthday oh it was it was all of us we all went we rented an Airbnb it was so special we spent a whole weekend we did the little pedicabs you know and just had that was one of my most special moments filming season two was having all of us together in Charleston which by the way is one of the most beautiful cities in the world it's amazing the food scene there is incredible and it's great for a birthday party oh my gosh we and even Dermot came out and danced with us because you know there were dance moves we went out after dinner we're like let's just see if there's anything we walk into this place and they're like oh my god it's you guys let us get you a table and I was like it's her birthday they brought out champagne and it was just this impromptu party at some outdoor patio in Charleston I look over and Dermot's in the corner dancing and girls are coming up to him and I'm like this is the most the wildest most beautiful um spontaneous night that we had and everyone had a blast and by the way everyone that was coming up was so lovely we had another gaggle of girls who I think was a bachelorette this woman who's getting married to her um uh her like sister's best friend or something and they were all just right in front of us and we started this big dance party so that was like I know it's not a set thing but no it was with all all all our cast and we had a really nice time I feel like what we now know yes I said at the beginning of this I said you know I'm so excited to meet you because I was like oh I can't wait to know the woman behind all these just like iconic characters and I and now I know that Malin Ackerman you are going to find her dancing there's going to be a disco ball yep and it's going to be a good time yes you run into her or if you're lucky enough to get invited to one of those parties that she's hosting now in Connecticut oh everyone's going to be gunning that's right Connecticut they're going to see you at the grocery store and be like what are you doing on Friday and you're like you might get the disco ball on it'll be turned on I can't and you are so talented I love watching your character bringing her to life obviously also can't wait to just see what more you do with your career but thank you so much for your time and it was so nice meeting you thank you it's so nice to meet you too you're so lovely