Making Life Wonderful #2 - An Intermediate Training

get the rhythm, abhorring sub-drone. And you don't want any connection. I'm saying that when we want a connection with people about emotional issues, express what's in your heart, your feelings, your needs in about 30 words, and then take the rest of the 40 to make a present request. Human beings in an emotional situation, it's asking a big gift to them to give you their full attention for the 40 words. More than that, your chance of getting the tension you want is one of the reasons we use more than 40 words is we're so scared about making ourselves vulnerable. Most of the unnecessary words that we express are to justify our feelings or to justify our needs. We think we have to justify, sell the other person on the importance of something, not realizing that those words decrease the likelihood we're going to get the connection we want. So feelings and needs, and that should be 30 words, to say what they did, our present feelings and relationship to it, our needs, and then present request. And when it's one person that we're speaking with, keep in mind, it's always the same request. I'd like you to tell me. Now what we want them to tell us, that can go in different directions. But we usually forget that, see, because this requires our living in the moment, our being alive right now, being conscious of what do we want. And that's a consciousness that not many of us have developed. I'm very concerned about re-establishing trust with her right now. And I want to be empathetic with her own needs. And if her need isn't to have eye contact with me or to even face me bodily, I want to respect that. Because part of what I'm feeling is that out of my intention to connect, I can be overbearing. And in that overbearing, I want to, in many respects, I want to give her, even though I know you can't do this, I want to give her the power. You want to respect her choice. I want to respect her choice. I want to be more attentive to her own needs and her own power. And if that means backing off physically and not being so interface. But I think there are times when the other person wants this desperately. More than the words they would like me either to have the eye contact or to touch them. So then I do that with somebody and they say, "Leave me alone, quit patronizing." So that's what's fun about human beings. We can never know ahead of time, but we'll find out. Yeah, so sometimes it helps. And sometimes it doesn't. So we have to be conscious as we're offering it. How is the person receiving it? Is it in harmony with their needs? Sometimes that touch is more important than any word. But I want to make sure when I touch it isn't there, you'll feel better. So it's not to do that. It's just another way of saying, "I'm with your feelings in me. I'm with you. I'm with you." You've made it so obvious. I don't think I need to say anything, but I'm with you. You're aware of how important this whole thing is to start with oneself. If you're not connected to the life in yourself, it's going to be very hard to connect with others. It reminds me of a time right here in San Francisco now about, I think it was about 1970, I was at a participant in a workshop. And if one part in this workshop, we were working in small groups. And one of the activities they gave us in the small group was a rejection exercise to pick one person in the group who you felt the least comfortable with. Lead them by the hand out of the group. Then go back to the group and explain why you didn't want that person around. So that person got a chance to know you were being talked about, "Okay, you got the exercise." Then after this, after everybody had a turn, if you wanted to know and you were one of the rejectees, why, you can ask for it. Okay, so I was in a group with five other people and I was selected by four of the other five. And I asked the people the reason. And the first three, I knew how to handle it. I didn't feel bad about it at all because what did they do? They said, "You're an intellectualizer. You sit there. We never hear what you're feeling. You don't say much and when you do, it's in the form of an analysis." So notice they're doing the same thing to me. So you say, "You are an intellectual." So I was sitting there enjoying it because I know how to deal with that. I was diagnosing what's wrong with them for being so insecure with my style. I didn't see that. But the other member, the fourth one, was a young man and I wish over the years I had known his name to tell him how important this was to him. All he said was, "I just, I'm scared of you. I'm scared of you when I never hear your feeling." And that probably was one of the biggest gifts I got. So I'm saying this only because I can tell you for about the next six months, I envy your twelve-word feelings or six or whatever you said because I think I had two. I feel good, I feel bad. But even that made a difference that I was looking for the feelings instead of immediately with the analysis. I'm also thinking of a woman in Topeka, Kansas. She went home with those lists and she had an argument with her husband the first evening and she said, "Just a second, I want to use what I was learning today." It says to me, "What am I feeling right now? Let me look." She goes down this list and she says, "My two children got up and they looked over my shoulder and said, "Mommy, is it this one?" "No, it's not that one." And then she said, "Even my husband got up and he got so regular." He says, "What about this?" "Yeah, yeah, that's it." And then we all laughed. We just saw it and laughed. You see, how wonderful. Yeah, that's a good way to learn. Okay, now who is the other party in this? Sorry. I feel incredibly vulnerable about this. This is my, don't know how to define her, my lover, I guess. Okay. Has been. There's been, well, anyway, she, yeah. So, directly to her. Let's hear the message that you started today with. What is my message to you that's hard to deal with? What is my message? The one that I asked at the beginning is, "Hold dialogue." The hard to hear message. The pleas that's not easy to hear is the pleas. That it's not easy for her to hear. Or it's easy for me to hear. What does this person say? It's not easy for you to hear with giraffe ears. Well, it's more what she hasn't said. What hasn't this person said? What's going on? What's been going on? So we were living together and there was a clearly expressed. Let's just talk to her now. Okay. Let's just talk to her now, you see. So then you started off. What do you want to say to her? Speak in your absence best you can to start off. So what do you want to say to her? I feel a lot of pain and sadness that you haven't let me know. What's happened? What's been going on with you? If you want to bring the other person into it, start with when you. But after you get the pain, I feel pain and now you say that you. That won't work. It's going to be very hard for the person not to hear the tear being blamed for it. You see, once our feelings are on the table, we want to connect our feelings with the speed of light with our needs. And once our needs are on the table with the speed of light of present request, everything else that gets in the way between the feeling and the need, going to reduce the likelihood will be understood. Everything else that gets in the way between the need and the present request is going to reduce the likelihood. So if we want to make an observation, I would recommend starting with it when you, before you get to the feeling. Okay, I'll try. Feels difficult to get from what seems like a distillation of a story to the essence. Yes, and that's good practice for us all because most of the stories we tell get in the way of our getting what what we want. Right. Especially if we want understanding for our present pain and we think we have to tell our listener what happened in the past. By the time we get to the present pain, they're asleep. We don't need to talk about what happened. We need to talk about what's alive in us right now about what happened. That's where the healing takes place. That's where the connection takes place. So the fewer words for the observation, the better. The real focus of the message needs to be what's alive in us right now, our present feelings and needs. When you avoid. That's a diagnosis. Oh God. Oh my God. With you. Maybe an accurate diagnosis, but it's a diagnosis. Well, the experience I'm having is. No, what is my behavior? What's your behavior? Yes. That you're interpreting as avoidance. When you. Don't. Address. When you don't tell me. When you don't tell me why you're not following through on agreements. Now they got it. From the past. That's. Or intentions that. Now if you want to make life miserable for yourself, you'll document that by showing several times I didn't. Right, I'm not. I would not recommend it. I think that that's more than enough talking about the other person. Okay. Now what we want to do is get to the heart of the matter. Okay. Go in your heart and say how you feel right now about that. What needs of yours are not met and your present request. We've used about eight of the 40 words. Okay. Now to our present feelings and needs. I feel hurt. Yep. And not valued. Oh! No. I feel hurt. That's how you are interpreting this. I feel hurt and abandoned. Oh! I feel hurt and. Just feel hurt, huh? Okay. I feel hurt. Okay. Now if you're conscious, you'll see that 90% of your pain is not because your need isn't getting met in this situation. It's because you're interpreting it that you're not valued and you're being abandoned. See, most of our pain in a situation like this is not at the loss of our need not getting met. It's created by our images of what is going on. Well, actually. So if you carry an image of not being valued and being abandoned, they're going to really suffer. I'm actually not feeling it. It was more like a thought left over. Okay. But let's not get it in there because. Okay. When these are not left over but they are present, I'm saying they create more pain for us. Right. And doubly, the problem, if they say I'm out loud, the other person is likely to hear that as a criticism and we're going to get further from getting our need met. So let's erase abandoned, not valued, let's stay with the hurt. Okay. And now with the speed of light, connect that with an unmet need. I think I have to start from the beginning. Okay. When you don't follow through. When you don't do what you say. When you don't do what you said you would do with regards to our relationship, I feel hurt. And what I want. Because I need it. Don't go to the request until you get the unmet need. Because I need connection. Trust. Yeah, that is right. Trust. Okay. I need to trust that things will be done when people say, okay. And now to a present request with the speed of light to the present request. And what I'd like is. For you to follow through and. That's general and future. What I'd like. It needs to be a clear present request. That's a vague future request. I'd like you to follow through. I'd like you to let me know what. Well, that's a future thing. Clear. There's a lot that's come up. But she's not shared with me what I did. So what I'd like. That's your present request. I'd like to know what's going on inside of you. Now we're getting there. You're feeling what you're feeling. I'd like you to tell me, what do you want this person to tell you right now? Where you're at, how you're feeling. Those are two different things. Where your app could take four hours and not give you the information you want. How you're feeling. Okay. About your previous commitments. About the agreements that we made? Yeah. About the agreements we made. Go ahead. That's the fourth thing. All right. Now what is this? What would be a challenging reaction for you to get at this moment from the person? That would be a good test for your giraffes. Yeah. Actually, I think if I was that clear, it might not be too giraffy. But maybe some, I don't know what I feel. I don't know. Okay. That's a good one. That's a real good one. I don't know. And of course we know from the tone of voice that the person didn't hear you. See, if a person hears what's in our heart, you will feel from the tone of their voice and they're looking their eyes that they just received a precious gift. This doesn't sound like this person received a precious gift. I don't know. So we know they didn't hear us. Anytime the look in the other person's eyes are not the look of a little child receiving a gift from Santa Claus. We know they didn't hear us. If we've spoken pure giraffe. We will see in the other person's eyes the eyes of a child receiving a gift from Santa Claus. If they look like this. They hear any demand. They look like this. They've heard the criticism. I don't know. No, no, no, can I. I'd like to ask you to tell me what you think I said so I can tell if I made myself clear. You said I didn't honor our commitments. Yeah. I did. You did say that. But that isn't the main part you wanted her to hear. Right. It's only if the person just hears that. And we hear criticism. So. So the real important part, that's why I say the focus of our message, the part that needs to be the most. The focal part of the whole thing is the feelings and needs. If the person is not connected at that level. You're not going to get what you want for reasons that you want. So. It's that part which gives us power with people. When they see what's in our heart, that increases the likelihood that if they do what we ask, it'll be coming out of the energy that we want it to come out of. If they just hear the request, they don't see what's in our heart. They may be giving in, giving up, giving out a fear of punishment. So this person heard just your observation that they didn't do what they said they were going to do. I also said. I also would like you to hear that what I really need. I'm sad because I need to feel connected with you. And I want to know how you're feeling about that. Well, I'm sorry if I hurt you. And. Now you'll pay for it, see, until we clean that up. Because if the other person feels responsible for our feelings, we will soon be the biggest drag in the world for that person. It'll be more fun for them to be with a serious person. you'll kill her than I was. So how do I do that exactly? Well, you need to point out that she didn't hear what you said. So let's learn how to correct the jackals misunderstanding. First of all, we do not want to say that isn't what I said. We do not want to say you're misinterpreting it. We do not want to say no. What do we say? Thank you. Thank you. Yes, because the person did what you asked. She told you, you didn't say I want you to tell me what you heard me say and get it right sucker. You didn't say it. You said I'd like you to tell me what you heard. So I can see if I made myself clear. So she told you she's hearing you blaming guilt tripping her, telling her that she's making you feel sad or hurt. So she's apologizing. I'm sorry if I hurt you. I'm sorry if I made you feel sad. So you need to say thank you for telling me that's what you heard. I'd like you to hear a difference between what your stupid jackaliers heard and what my giraffe tongue said. You don't want me to say it like that. Yes, I want you to say it. Okay. But I'm not sure it would be the best for you to say it then. Maybe I need to just be willing to hear it inside and talk to myself for a minute. But we need to do is just be aware of how frustrating it is for us when our messages aren't understood. And give ourselves some empathy for that. So when we do say I'd like you to hear it differently, it doesn't come from that energy. Well the one that really comes from thank you for giving me this chance to be clear. But I'd like you to hear a difference between my saying you're responsible for my feelings or you made me sad. And just the main thing I need you to hear is what need of mine isn't being met. That's the main thing I need you to hear. The need for connection. So could you tell me that part? So mainly you want me to hear your need for connection isn't getting met. Thank you for hearing that. Okay. So now what do you want from the jackal? The jackals I'm just stood you. Now what do you want? What I want is to know how you're feeling about the commitments you made in our relationship. I feel that you're too demanding. Oh my gosh. Of course if you had giraffe ears on you wouldn't have heard that. Did you hear that she said that you were too demanding? I did. You got your giraffe ears on too late. Say it again I'm going to try to listen with your raffers. Okay. Say if they hear something else. Are you feeling a little uncomfortable with me asking this question? Oh not with that. I feel the same. You're taking responsibility for the other person's feelings. You see that's still implying that you are causing the other person's feelings. Okay. It's not good for the other person for you to reinforce that because the whole culture in which they've been educated in reinforces the idea that other people can make you feel as you do. So you don't want to reinforce that. That's violent for everybody to believe that you can make another person feel as they do. So let's try it again. Are you feeling uncomfortable because? Are you feeling uncomfortable because I asked you, oh no, are you feeling uncomfortable because, so I can't say aye. Okay. That's pretty clear. Never connect yourself with the other person's pain. Are you feeling uncomfortable because I, you need my need because, no the other person's pain because you're needing, you're needing, wait a second. What autonomy sounds more right than anything else is saying because you're needing, but you're wrong. Do I go right away there to this? Yes. Okay. Even if you don't do it out loud, that's all you hear are feelings and needs with giraffe ears on. Okay. Never hear what another person thinks about you. You'll live longer. I'm just not sure what she's needing. We don't have to be sure. Even if you guess wrong, better to guess wrong what the person is needing than to hear what they think about you. Well, are you feeling? Oh my gosh. When you, when I, no, I don't want to say, gosh, this is what happens to me. I just feel completely. What, look what's happening to me? Oh, it's like this every time I'm like in the jaws. And I just feel so devastated. Yeah, it's very painful when you get caught up in that and don't know how to get out of that. You'd really like to be able to connect without having to go through this. Torture, huh? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So let's, to give you a little different kind of practice. Let me use some modern veterinary science and graph some giraffe ears onto this. Okay. Now, you don't have to worry about giraffe. I've got the giraffe ears on. I'll do the giraffe work. So very often this happens in our relationship to you and you'd like me to see how painful it is when you get caught up in what I say and lose connection with yourself. Yeah. Yeah. And then you see how I react to that and it gets us further apart and it's even more painful for you. Yeah, and I feel really scared when you get angry and defensive. Yeah. Yeah. And you're activated. Yeah. You get scared. You'd like to be able to connect with what's alive in me at that point. At that moment, you're just overwhelmed by the feelings and. Yeah. Yeah. And Bill said, because you really want to have that ability to connect with me no matter how I'm communicating with you. More than anything in the world, our relationship is really important to me and I was so frustrated that this is so difficult for me and for us. So when you want something so much to not be able to connect in a way that makes it happen that it's a very painful feeling. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Feels like a suffering for me. Yeah. Yeah. And I feel like it's been so frustrating to have worked so hard and I feel like I have the skills or something that I need in order to effectively connect with you and not fall into this kind of place of collapse. Yeah. So as much work and energy and hope as you've put into trying to break out of this, it's discouraging. You'd really like to have more results. But now. Yeah. I feel like there's something wrong with me that I can't do this. Yeah. Yeah. You get discouraged with yourself. You really want to understand what keeps you from being able to do this. Yeah. That's true. It seems like, you know, there must be something. I'm just not seeing. I don't think there's really something wrong with me, but somehow. But you would really like to learn from this. What's keeping me from doing this. Yeah. It's frustrating not to see what's keeping me from doing this. Exactly. As much as I want it, it's very frustrating, despairing even if it's not. It's not to be able to make a connection that will get you the intimacy that you need. Exactly. Yeah. Do you like me when I wear these ears? Don't you? I love it. I have the feeling that, you know, you want the same thing with me and it would make you very happy if I could show up with giraffe ears. Okay. Well, can you hear me now or do you want me to hear you more? No, I would like to hear what you have to say. I'm very touched that you want for that empathy. Yes, because I have almost word for word to same feelings that you just expressed that I desperately want a certain quality of connection. And I too wish that I knew how to make that connection. And I wish, especially when I need empathy, I communicated differently than I do instead of saying the things that I do. When I'm angry, I wish I knew how to say those same things in terms of the pain that I'm really feeling behind those judgments of you. And I wish I knew how to say what my needs are at that time. And I take responsibility for how I say things, certainly, would put a test of anybody's giraffes to hear it. Wow, I feel very touched for you to tell me that. It's been really painful. It's been so painful. I really didn't know you felt that way. Yeah. It's so angry. I'm frustrated. Yeah. Blame me. Yeah. And you're so adamant about feeling like you don't think you should have to change anything. Yes. Yes. The more my inner jackals tell me there's something wrong with me, the more I resist that and deny any responsibility. My inner jackals are brutal with me. I could hear that. And then when anybody else suggests that I get changed and I am adamant about it, not wanting to hear that. It's hard to deal with hearing outer jackals when your inner jackals are making demands on you. I can relate to that. Yeah. Thanks. So if I'm understanding you, Jackal, what I said this morning is really what you're trying to say that when you are trying your best to say please and have the most desperate need for empathy with what's going on in you, it's coming out in a way that is very easy for other people to hear as an attack. Exactly. Exactly. And it's a nightmare. It's a nightmare. When I'm needing empathy the most, I communicate in a way I can't see how anybody could give it to me. Well, I'd like to see if I can do it, Jackal. Would you give me some test of my giraffes? I'd like to see you with your jackal worse and see if I can hear the pain behind. Oh yeah, it'd be fun for me, OK? Now you're the Jackal. I'm the Jackal. And I'm you. I'm going to really try to put the giraffes on when you need it the most. It's the hardest to do. Wait a minute. Am I me or her? You're her. I'm her here with her jackal. At her most? Jackal is self. OK. And I'm going to test whether I can wear these ears under those circumstances. And the jackal needs me to do it the most. Where's my seatbelt? You're always trying to change me. And manipulate me. And control me. Here's what's going on inside of me now. My jackals are going crazy. You know why? This is the extreme test of giraffe ears. She's telling me that I am what I've always feared I might be. Right? Yeah. Oh boy, this jackal really knows how to give my giraffe ears a test. Now, if these damn things are worth anything, they should work under these conditions, whether it's the ultimate test of quality level giraffe ears. Whether they work when the other person is telling you what you are, what you've always feared you might be. Because then you're hearing a jackal message out there. It's saying the same thing as your inner jackal message. So yeah, I'm having to do some emergency first-aid work here. It's on inward. Oh my god. I'm overwhelmed right now. I'm judging myself. Why am I such a controlling horrible person? Stronger me? I can't even imagine what I'm feeling in meeting behind this all I can hear. I'm a terrible controlling person. What's beneath that? What does my knee beneath that, judging myself that way? Yes, I really would like to express my pain in a way that doesn't feel oppressive to others. I really would like to be able to express myself in a way that others didn't stimulate this image that I'm controlling. It didn't threaten their autonomy. Now maybe I can hear her feelings. So it sounds like it's really aggravating for you that you would like to be able to express yourself and trust that you'll be understood and your needs will be understood. You don't always have that trust? You never do that. It's really hard to trust you. So you really would like to be understood and you're feeling kind of hopeless about whether you can get that need met. Yeah. Anything else you want to tell me, Jackal, I have these draft years on? You're always running life out of your agenda. And I can't stand it. Yeah. You really want to feel like what's alive in you is valued and that you're not having to adjust yourself to someone else's needs or standards. Yep. And more than anything I want you to get outside of yourself and have some compassion for what I'm going through. So you're in the Norless amount of pain right now and it's when you really need this understanding the most that it's hard for you to deal with what's going on in someone else. You really need the empathy yourself. Yeah. And I haven't been talking to you because I don't. You can't give that to me. So you're feeling hopeless about getting that in our relationship and you want to protect yourself from the continuing frustration and pain of trying for it and not getting it. Yeah. On the other hand, I'm still here. Yeah. So there's still. I just haven't known what to do. So you're stuck. There's still a part of you that's hoping we can connect in a way that's valuable to both of us but you're feeling more and more discouraged about that. I do feel hopeless. Yep. Is it more you would like me to hear Jack? I wish I didn't feel so hopeless. And I wish. I wish. Oh, well, I wish I didn't hurt you so much. And you see me. When you see me in pain, you feel a lot of pain. Yeah, and I feel like I'm too late. You'd like to really contribute to my well-being and it's very painful for you and you see me in pain. Yeah. And I feel like I'm too blame. Yeah. Yeah. You'd like to be able to. Connect with me at that time in a way that's nurturing for us both rather than blaming yourself Yeah Yeah, there's a chorus of jackals in my head when I see you in pain Yeah, I can't even stand to be with myself and so I get angry at you Yeah, and I scream at you And it's really because they're all screaming at me and I'm overwhelmed Well, I never saw that before I am glad that you Asked me to talk with you Even though I still feel a lot of pain There's A little bit of a sense more of a sense of connection and a glimmer That maybe it would be possible to really be able to connect I'm feeling like you're hearing me right now and Well, I feel just is desperate for you to hear me and have compassion For me as I think I hear you saying you want from So But I still feel kind of overwhelmed like this feels like a big task and I Feel like I just Crawled one little step But that's a big cry from running a marathon Which is kind of what it feels like it'll take to be able to have good communication Not going way between us Can you hear how I feel about this jackal right now or do you want some more empathy for me? If I told you the truth, yeah, I'm hurting so much about this Yeah, I guess I'd like you to hear that. Yeah, I'm grateful for your honesty So you're still needing more awareness of just how painful this combination is for you Yeah, and I Know I act really tough like cool like This isn't bothering me But I just don't know anything else to do when I feel so Overwhelmed and frustrated So I guess I want you to know that yeah It's like me to be aware that You're aware that you express it sometimes in a way that might be hard to hear but You still need empathy at those times and how painful it is for you and you don't know how to express it differently or you don't get the empathy you need It's very discouraging for you. I Think I noticed that I Feel ashamed of my needs like I can't ask you to give me empathy In a way that makes it easy for you to do it because I don't really believe I deserve it and I don't really Also trust that you can do it. Yeah, so when you do have such a need Part of you worries it even if you ask for it I wouldn't he wouldn't be you wouldn't really get it other part of you It's pretty brutal with yourself saying you shouldn't even have the need and so And you don't ask for it your pain builds and then it comes out in a way that makes matters worse and it's even more painful Yeah, I Can see That I've been so angry because I Haven't Felt okay about this need I have really That's the big insight for you right now that's important is awareness of how you're not able to see your own needs as a gift Well It's even a little hard to take that in yeah, just the Scary to go from thinking there you shouldn't even have them. It's disgraceful to Imagining it is a precious gift to somebody Yeah Well, I feel very vulnerable About having these needs especially with you. Yeah Yeah, I Feel Really more vulnerable with you than anyone And Terrified of you Seeing that because then you could control me Yeah, so being that vulnerable you're really scared that put you in a position of worrying about How this could be used against you and it could be controlled with it You have used it against me. Yeah, you're remembering in the past You remember and I'll leave you with more fears and wanting to be sure that this doesn't happen again It's really scary just even let you know this. Yeah, it's huge risk for me Scary to let you know for you to let me know what's alive in you Yep And I notice I'm feeling angry now. Mm-hmm. I want to attack you You want me to understand you want me to understand what's happened in the past of contributes to your fear Yeah, you want me to see how my behavior is stimulated this and played a role in it Yeah, and I also want you to hear How sensitive I am about this That's the main thing how scary it is for you to be talking with me at this level Yeah to show my vulnerability To have any needs To let you know Okay I really felt like I was able to Hear her heart a lot. I thought the way you played her role. I thought you were really empathizing with it. Yeah Yeah You had the giraffe ears on it seemed to me. Yeah played her role with giraffe ears on And I think the thing that I saw that had kept me stuck was When she'd get angry I felt so terrified and I I Didn't trust that there was someone who cared under the anger Yeah And I felt What was deeper? And my only fear right now is that trusting That when I try to doctor that I Still won't get scared by anger or making mistakes, you know, so let's see I Should I talk to you all you do is try to control me all you do is have your agenda Nobody else's agenda matters a damn Are you feeling Are you feeling like nope? No, no? Not are you feeling like or that? You'll be hearing what comes out of the person's head. Okay. Never hear what the person thinks I Do I hear you I Feel like I hear you Wanting me to really hear you yes, I'd like for once that would be wonderful That would be wonderful if for one time you could hear me Give up your agenda for even one second Want me to care about what's going on with you and you can you can't you couldn't if you tried Are you hurting I don't know how to get from here to there. It feels like you're hurting. And you really need for me to hear how painful it is. Yes. That I haven't. Yes. You in the past. Yes. You're giving that. [laughter] [applause]