Machiavelli and the Art of Being a Piece of Sh*t | History Hyenas

Yeah, I might want to download that Exxon Mobile Rewards Plus app. Yeah. Are you the Exxon Tiger? I am. Yeah, you know, new users can earn $10 in points, five bucks after your first purchase and five after your second. That's a lot. That's a whole lot. It is. Well, hey, you get on that download, buddy. I will. Loading. Download the Exxon Mobile Rewards Plus app and join today. Exxon. Trust the Tiger. For details, visit ExxonOffer.com. What's up, everybody? Welcome to another episode of History Hyenas. I'm Chrissy D. That's Yanni PP. Every single week, we're coming at you. YouTube.com slash History Hyenas. Click that like and subscribe button. Patreon.com slash History Hyenas, where all the fun, fun, fun happens. Today, we're going to be talking about Machiavelli. We're going to be talking about one of those guys in history who may be misunderstood. People go, oh, he's more of an antichrist. He's a bad guy. Right. He's definitely one of those guys who was appreciated. He was appreciated after his death. That's a common theme with a lot of great men. But historians have re-evaluated him and said he wasn't intending to be a bad guy. And actually, he did some good. He helped topple some kings. Yes. Because a lot of the French. No King's Day. No King's Day. And fucking Machiavelli would have been all for no King's Day. We're going to tell you a little bit about this. I thought you just said wigger. You said we're going to tell you. We're going to tell you. Yeah. Because we're going to tell you. Yeah. I sneaked in a wigger. Yeah. It's what it is. We're going to tell you a little bit about the man, the context it made him, and what he was all about. He wasn't just your ordinary sauce monkey who was living in the basement calling Ma and asking if dinner was ready. No. No. But his name was Niccolo Machiavelli, which is the sauce monkey name. That kid sounds like someone who's asking if he's got his money or he's going to come see you in a different way. I don't know. club of stanford christycomedy.com for tiki wikis or historyinisisback.com for both our tiki's enjoy the episode about machiavelli now i like your hair today by the way i just want to let you know because you the way that it just was before you messed it up a little bit but it was up you kind of look like a dart and i kind of want to just pick up your head and throw you off a dartboard at o'neill's yeah why because it's pointy it was no but it was nice it flowed nice you look like a dart though like you know like the how the dart just goes up it's like a fin you know what sergio chicode says he says my hair looks like soft serve yeah because it always has that swirl yeah it's funny sergio's a very funny guy yeah yeah um and then he gets on stage and he stiffens up it's just what it is yeah yeah so um so niccolo machiavelli born in 1469 the kid lived to 58 years old which is pretty good for those times yeah he died in a lot of pain now let me ask you a quick question ask me yo cuz i want you to ask me something i'm gonna ask you something this was your recommendation so are we now going through a machiavellian phase yes so what happened are you replacing peptides with machiavelli yes that's what it is because i really wanted to consume machiavelli yeah because you're trying to figure out a way to be in and out yeah i'm trying to figure out how do i get out of it by going into it and i figured the only way the only person that could help me is machiavelli aka the prince yeah the prince is the book the thing here's what you know about machiavelli here's what you know if you're a white person you know that machiavelli coined the phrase machiavelli is it better to be feared than loved feared than loved and if you're a black person you know machiavelli because tupac shakur named an album yeah album after him and tupac shakur said he was machiavelli right so that's what it is so with machiavelli what what was very interesting to me about learning about this kid and we'll go through all the facts in history but what you know like a lot of other people in history machiavelli he writes this book it gets famous after he dies so during machiavelli's life he's not famous at all he's just a guy but the principles that rulers have used and heads of state and kings and queens for centuries machiavelli never used any of them machiavelli would do these writings would write write this book and be this way and then would write to his friend because he was undercover gay kid like a lot of people living in florence italy he would write to his friend and they found these letters later in his later years after he died about how he you know all the stuff that he wrote um he was like you know i don't even believe it he was like i hate having to play this part i hate having to be this character so a lot of people don't believe it they don't believe it they don't believe it they don't believe it they don't believe it but some people don't know that machiavelli himself wasn't really even believing what he was saying he was just writing these things this book the prince which will for a very specific family for a very specific job he wanted to get yeah that book the prince was just a job it was it was a job interview yeah it was it was him kind of just saying hey you know it was an application he was trying to get back to where he was he was trying to get him with the borgias they tortured him a little bit they they they kicked him out they got his dad was a lawyer his dad's a lawyer his dad was an ambulance chaser yeah so you know he would come he would walk around the streets and go did you choke on a zeppole what's your problem yeah did you get served bad pepperonis yeah was your slice undercooked yeah call machiavelli at machiavelli yeah and we will come and we'll take care of you right yeah and his mom was like a homemaker kid had a big family his mom got hit a little bit his mom got two if the garlic wasn't sliced in enough 45 his mom got hit a little bit yeah italian women get hell a little bit it's better to be feared and loved than you expect you think that's why italians evolved to have like prominent noses with bumps in them yeah because they just they got their the bumps came from the husbands yeah i think that the creators because you know uh you know whether we believe in jesus which we do here in this podcast you believe extraterrestrials created this created a religion as an as a thought-provoking experiment for the extraterrestrials whatever you believe just know that the creators the powers that be whether it be jesus or um the simulators or muhammad or muhammad as the last prophet they made they they pre they prefabricated a little bump on the italian's nose just because they said that we know they're going to get hit so we said let's just make it a little bit easier for them and they just put it in there it's like you know what i mean yeah it's like they got a little a hard tissue a little bit of a bump so they can take they can take the hit a little better it's pretty much it's not they just it's a little it's a little cushion for the for the fist yeah it's just yes just so it's nice just this is humor this is at the firehouse we talk about that bump humor i heard that when that specific joke i heard from schmitty schmitty so if you got a problem with it talk to schmitty wild kid he's got he's uncensored he's like a roast it's like a right he's like the roast master yeah yeah yeah he's he's that he's firehouse humor it's just what it is yeah it's just we're talking a little firehouse humor about the bump about the bump yeah so the prince the book the prince this was actually written mackie valley's famous book that was just an autobiography about prince no this wasn't even about was the forward written by charlie murphy yeah we know it wasn't we know it wasn't written about prince because at no point in the book the prince do they talk about these fucking smallings and mini apples can i just say yeah can i just say what chris right now is what's happening right now encapsulates what this show is yeah he keeps looking down at the paper and with a pencil as if those were his notes but it's a blank page it's the back of the patreon list there was a couple times i've seen you look down in reference but it's just blank because this is jesse that's just me if i was jesse yeah because you got to take your tangerines and use them as frisbees yeah which is a good tip for jews if you run out of frisbees go get a tangerine tangy so so yeah it's just let me write my notes so what happened was cuz is the medici family we got to do an episode on the medicis yeah we got to really get into the medicis because i don't know much about the medicis do you know do you have like information on the medicis powerful banking family that wasn't jewish which is surprising they weren't italian jews they weren't italian jews for the best of my knowledge were they jewish they were a big big banking family they had money and you know florence was a city state at that time it was city states and it was a republic until the medicis took over see that's the thing is yes florence was in italy yes florence is in modern day italy but back in these times when we talk about medici the late 1400s 1500s florence as you said was the city state italy wasn't wasn't a united italy no it weren't united it wasn't united it wasn't united italy and by the way the medici family was not jewish they were native italian roman catholic family from toscani yeah which which will blow your mind if you're if you're into jewish conspiracy right so because you're sitting there going wait a second how did they get how did that happen a powerful banking family that wasn't jewish so what what now what everyone's going to say is because these extraterrestrials everyone's going to say that they medicis were just an experiment right they weren't where they were an experiment by the creators right so the medici family comes back to power in florence in 1512 because they had gotten ousted and so machiavelli he was accused of conspiracy he was in prison tortured like yannis mentioned then they exiled him out to a farm outside the city and in exile this is where he wrote the prince the book that made him you know very very and before they sent him out there would you would it be safe to say that they tuned him up a little bit tuned him up would it be safe to say since there are times that they came and they saw machiavelli in a different way they came and saw him in a different way somebody's ringing my bell somebody's ringing the bell right now at a ring camera yeah i think at some point they came And they saw him and they said, do you have a lot of money? And they said, and Machiavelli was like, wait, I'm trying to get it. We're going to figure it out. And then they tuned him up a little bit and sent him out of the city. Let me just, who the fuck's ringing my bell? Hold on one second. Somebody's ringing my bell. Chrissy, what's up? It's your wife's cousin. Oh, is this suburban? Oh, hold on. It's fucking suburban propane. Yeah. All right, back in. And so, you know, what happened was with Machiavelli is, you know, first of all, the word Machiavellian, as we know, cunning, manipulative, ruthless, that's how powerful Machiavelli was. I mean, the kid became a word. The kid became an actual word. So, you know, all that reputation stuff comes from the book, The Prince, right, where he had argued rulers sometimes need deception, fear, and cruelty to maintain stability. Now, the thing about this is, cuz, is people say like, oh, this is what, you know, you know, people like Robert Greene have wrote 48 Laws of Power and all these people have written books, but Machiavelli was being very, very, very specific about this very specific time in history, about this very specific family of this very specific job he wanted to get. So he wasn't necessarily saying, is it better to be fear than loved overall to all of humanity? He was saying specifically to the Medici family, how are you going to keep power in this very turbulent time in Florence history? Here's what you have to do for that time. But if, you know. If he had lived a little bit longer, he might have said, you know what, forget that, forget all those beliefs. So as it turns out, he was a guy who very much believed in a republic. So the Medici family took over. It wasn't a republic anymore, but he was just basically trying to survive in this new world that he wanted. He wanted a nice job. He wanted to get his job back. So he was basically sucking up to this guy. Yes. Saying, hey, this is how you maneuver. It's, you know, what you should do. You got it. It's he's the he gave birth to real politics. He's going, the ends justify the means as long as it's for the benefit of the state. Right. Do what you got to do. If you got to send ice into the streets to kick a few people out. Yeah. You know, you got to do what you got to do. If you have an enemy, destroy them completely. Yeah. In one big oof, because it's better for the state. So he was just kind of one of those guys living in the gray zones going like, hey, if it's for the sanity and longevity of the state. Right. This kid was about states rights. He was about states rights. He was like city states rights. Yeah. Now, he also, too, that when he wrote this book, The Prince, it was like we said, a job application. The person that he was applying to the job for it. Yeah. I just drew the pencil. And you need to be able to write your notes. Yeah. I need to. He didn't even look at The Prince. He didn't. He wouldn't even read it because he had already given someone else a job. So Machiavelli was pissed off. He was walking around. I was like, I wrote this whole fucking thing and nobody wants to look at it. Yeah. He didn't even because he kind of knew Maggie like he they you know, like they said, we said we tortured him a little bit. They sent him out. Yeah. So they weren't good. They actually were. He sent the book. The irony is he sent the book like trying to get the job saying this is how you got to be. And he was like a victim of that same thing. Yeah. Because the guy was going, I'm not going to you're a you're a traitor. You're from this other administration from the previous time. Yeah. I'm not giving you any power. F you. I'm going to torture you. Yeah. They gave him some lowly job. Right. So they actually were using his own stuff against him. Yeah. I mean, you know, because here's the thing is a lot of historians think Machiavelli's been misunderstood. Because some believe the prince was partly satire or practical survival manual rather than endorsement of evil behavior. When he was being tortured, he was actually writing to his friends because he had one. I forgot the friends. I mean, these kids, old school Italian names. It was tough. I liked it. Italian Giovanni. But I like that now they do Frankie, Vinnie, Johnny, Jimmy. I like it so much easier now. Yeah. Because back then it's too much. Yeah. But he would write like this satire to his friends during the time he was writing the prince where he was like. He was like, yeah, I'm really being strong today. I'm really being. But meanwhile, he was getting the shit kicked out of him. So this friend understood it was satire. He was trying to do like humor. He was trying to do his brand of humor. He was doing Italian humor. So some people think that the prince, because, you know, you really can't know for sure, was like all this stuff where he was just playing a character and he would never live by these rules. Isn't that wild? That is the funny part is like, did he just write this to suck up to the guy? Was he being just satirical? Like, did he believe any of this stuff? Because in other writings, like he wrote discourses on living. He praised Republican government and citizen participation, where in the prince, he's saying the opposite. Yeah. So that's the thing is you just don't know about the kid. He's a mystery. He's a he's a mixed bag. Well, I think most of the historians are on the side that he he liked a pious. He liked piety. He liked the Republic. He liked, you know, what we have here in the United States of America, our Republic. He thought it was good. And yeah, he was just basically trying to survive by writing this and suck up to the rulers. Right. Yeah. And just teach him how to be a better ruler. And he really loved Florence and all these things. And then, yeah, it's just interesting that after he died, which they say probably something wrong with his gut. Well, because here's the thing. Here's where, you know, we'll get to we'll get to that. You got to know one thing about. Yes, he liked piety and all that stuff. You got to you got to understand one thing about Niccolo Machiavelli is, you know, he's presented, you know, people think Machiavelli, you know, they put him in the same, you know, people make art of him, pictures of him. He put him as this very, like, you know, noble. Good guy, you know, wrote these things. This, you know, stoic figure. I mean, the guy liked toots. Yeah. He banged out toots big. He had multiple affairs on his wife. Yeah. He had like eight kids out of wedlock. He liked toots. And he also liked to suck off guys. That's just what he did. People like to party. It's just what it is. Yeah. He said he said one day that he was walking through the village. He hadn't had sex in about a week, which he said was just a little too long for him. He just, you know, I think he had said he had had a famine of copulence. So that's what he called it. Basically saying he starved for puss. He starved for puss. He said, I'm having a famine of copulence. Yeah. So he said, so the kid hadn't got puss in a while. So he stops by his dry cleaners. He banged out the Korean? So he, yeah, right. So he's banged up his dry cleaners. He talked to his dry and his dry cleaner says, you know, he wants to, whatever, this robe wash in a certain way. So she goes, oh, let me take you downstairs. Cause he's like, cause she's like, how are you doing? He's like, oh, you know, I just, I really need some, you know, I basically, you know, I'm having a famine. He went to the West garden of his day. Stairs and there's a tooth down there. And he said, he looked at this woman. He said, her breath was horrid. She stunk. He said, she was not, you know, cute at all, but he said, I got to do what I got to do. And he banged her out anyway, not really seeing her only smelling her. And then they held the light up to her face. And he said, it was the most grotesque woman he's ever seen. And he threw up all over her. He said, he threw up all over her and then, and then left. And then, and then the kid would just do shit like this. He goes, he really wanted to bang this other girl. Like he wanted to bang this girl big. And she was, you know, in her early twenties, he was like in his early fifties at this time. So he, you know, again, Machiavelli during his life, wasn't really famous. Like people wouldn't really necessarily know that's Machiavelli. These things happen later on after he dies. He, um, he wants to bang this girl and he, and he's, and he presents himself as a doctor. He meets this girl and he, and he makes believe he's a doctor. He throws on a cloak. He's got the stethoscope on. He's just a doctor. I like it. That's how you get the broads. You got to lie a little bit. This kid says he's in a doctor and, and this woman says that she's, I believe that her and her husband, she was married at the time, are having some type of, um, trouble conceiving a child. So he goes, okay. He goes, I'm going to make this concoction for this root, whatever root it was called, you know, some plant, whatever. And he goes, I'm going to give this to you. And he goes, uh, the only thing is, is you will immediately be able to conceive. Okay. But the first person that you have sex with after you take this will die. So obviously he can't. She can't be her husband. She loved her husband. So she said, I cannot kill my husband. Right. Broads will believe anything. Yeah. Can I kill my husband? Yeah. So he said, so, so she goes, oh my God, whatever. And then he says something to the effect of I'm dying of cancer. I'm dying. I have like days to live or something like that. I will do this for you and give my life for you to have for you. I will give you my life so you can create life. Wow. And she's like, so thankful and just bangs this guy out. And then he just. Fucking runs away. And he's like, that's funny, right? That's very Machiavellian, but it's funny. Yeah. It's Machiavellian. Yeah. Yeah. So he's sort of like the version of that guy who get a Netflix special from, he got an HBO special from Alan. He said he was dying and he's still alive. Yeah. That kid's on peptides now. He's jacked. Sometimes you got to do a little herky jerky and get what you want. Now, you know, the thing with Machiavelli too, which I liked is, you know, the kid, he admired, Cesar Borgia. So Borgia, I think it was also Medici. Borgia was a big time guy in Florence at the time. And he was the son of Pope Alexander the sixth. Oh, he loved this guy. Yeah. And Borgia, what he saw Borgia do, cause he would do things like Borgia was a fucking wild kid. Yeah. So he would see Borgia do things like, you know, the whole town hated this one guy in the town. They all hated him, whatever. But Borgia knew if I just go out there and, you know, discipline him and then, you know, I'm going to look too ruthless or whatever. So what Borgia did one day. Everybody woke up and in the town square, this guy that everybody hated was just cut in two. He was just, his body was just in two pieces on a butcher's block. And everybody kind of knew that Borgia did that without Borgia ever saying he did that. So that's when Machiavelli started to get the idea of being like, okay, if you want the power, you can't really announce it. You got to be slick. You got to be sly. And, and that's when he started to also Machiavelli started to realize like, oh, we're all kind of call youngish. Like we're all wearing masks and the real guy doesn't. Like Matt, cause Machiavelli wouldn't do this. The real guy never reveals himself to the King. He reveals himself to the servant. If you want to see the real guy. You got to see, and this is always what my mother said. This is always what my mom said. This is what, this is one of Lynn's famous things is that you can tell how good a person is by how he or she treats the people they think they don't need. Right. That's what my mom's, my mom's always looking for how you treat the waiter. Right. She knows that you're going to treat the king nice and the boss nice. Right. But how do you treat the waiter? And when she was an HR manager. How do you treat the union guys? How do you treat that? Because what my mom would always say when she was an HR person and they would bring a case to her desk and say, we want to fire this person. They're not being nice or whatever. She would always, she would always say, okay, give me a couple of days. Like, let me figure it out. But what she was really doing is if they worked in her building, she would observe them. How are they acting to the people in the cafeteria? How are they acting to the subordinates? And if she saw that they weren't acting with, as Christ would want them to act with the subordinates, they were out of there. But if she, if he, they were acting Christ-like with the subordinates, she would dig a little bit further and usually find out that maybe the guy was going through something. What you're saying is, is you can take the girl. You can take the girl out of Germany, but you can't take the SS out of the girl. That's what it is. She was the secret police. It's what it is. She was taking a peek and reporting on people. It's what it is. She was going and saying, yeah, I seen the way he's sucking up. Don't trust this one. Yeah. He's, I saw him with the Torah. Yeah. That's what it is. Yeah. And my mom, yeah, she just, she prayed me cause she knew that I was born a Linzetorn. But as you said, she prayed me straight. Only thing that makes sense. Prayed me straight. But she. She knew, she knew that she could, she, she didn't want to pray too much because she knew if she, she had a great balance cause she knew if you pray someone too hard from Linzetorn. So she prayed me right in the middle. All I know is if they wrote, if your disciples wrote about you, I, I, I think they would leave Tony out of the story. I think it would go, there was an immaculate conception. Yeah. You know, the woman was holy. Yeah. And it was an immaculate conception. Do you want to know what's actually a very funny thing my dad said yesterday? Yeah. My feet are isosceles triangles. Do you want to know what's something funny my dad said yesterday? Yeah. Yesterday was mother's day. It was Mars day. Even though, you know, I know this episode coming out a couple of days later, but we're filming it the day after Mars day. Yeah. I said to my dad, what are you doing for mother? You know, like, what are you doing? Whatever. He goes, Oh, I'm in Orlando. I was like, you went to Orlando. I was like, what are you going to Disney? He's like, yeah, I'm in Disney. He goes, I was like, why the hell did you go there? He's like, I go every year on mother's day and celebrate getting a divorce. And I was like, nice. And I was like, is that true? And he was like, no. He was like, your stepmother wanted to go to fucking Disney. Why did she want to go to Disney? Because she's a Disney adult. She's no. Well, they like to go down there. But I mean, you've seen pictures of my father. He that people like that look like that go to Disney. They go to Disney. They go to Disney. And he took a bus from Tampa to Orlando and they went to Disney. First class, baby. And my dad went down there with the, with the goofy ears on. Sergio said something funny about his day. He goes, he goes, uh, yeah. He goes, I go, what are you doing for mother's day? He goes, uh, he goes, look, man. He goes. He goes, that's not my daughter. She's not my mom. Yeah. Yeah. I got to ask my daughter what we're doing for mother's day. Hey, my mother, she's her mother. Yeah. It's pretty funny. I said that to my wife too. She was like, what are we doing? I was like, you're not my mom. Yeah. Yeah. Ask your daughters to take you out. She's like, they're, they're five and three. I said, that's your problem. You know what? It's also too, and we'll get back to Machiavelli, but it's just like classic. It's not wife's day. I fell for a trap again. Saturday, you know, cause I had a little bit of a stomach virus. I wanted to get jazz, like, you know, her mother's day gift. I was going to get her these, she wants these ASIC sneakers. I was going to get her these nice ASICs, you know, and some flowers or whatever. She's like, Chris, I honestly don't want anything. We got people coming over, like, just rest up. Like, you know, you being here is enough, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. So of course I didn't get her anything, cooked the food, did everything. And then last night she was like, it would have been nice to at least get flowers or be appreciated on mother's day. I was like, you told me not to do that. That's what they do. Yeah. You know, that's in all of them. I don't understand what that is. That's not, that has nothing to do with the heritage. No. That's just, that has nothing to do with vagina. Yeah. That's the same thing my wife said to me. Right. I don't want to do anything on mother's day. This is what I want to do. I want to go look at this and that. And then she asked me, it would have been nice, a little card. I was like, you said you didn't want anything. Yeah. It's just, it's just what they do. We took the kids on the horses. Yeah. It's just, what do you, you know? Yeah. It's just what they just do that. It's a very interesting thing. Jesse, what is that? What is what? When they tell you, I don't want anything, but then they get mad at you because they wanted to do it. Oh, it's a setup. It's a setup. It's a setup. And that's why, that's why Nick's life is the easiest because his blow up doll doesn't talk back. The blow up doll just, it says nothing. It's thankful at all times. It just wants to be cleaned. Right. Once a week. Yeah. Barely. Yeah. So Nick says, what do you want to do for mother's day though? Yeah. So that, and that, there's something nice about that. There's something real nice about that. It's really nice about people who got leaky roofs and fall in love with fences. There's one person. Who thinks they're married to the Eiffel tower. It is fun to have a leaky roof guys. Let's do supremacy world war three. What is it? I'm going to tell you. It's a modern military grand strategy game developed by twin Harbor interactive part of the still front group. And we like it. Yes. It's formally known as conflict in nations. It was rebranded in 2025 to align with the successful supremacy, supremacy franchise set in the near future. Global conflict. The game combines real time warfare, deep geopolitics. And modern military technology and they got real time multiplayer. They got modern military units. They got diplomatic depth. I mean, guy, you can really be a military strategist right now. And you could just really beat people up. You don't like, yeah, world war three as a free to play grand strategy game set in a realistic modern conflict scenario at a time when global headlines feel like strategy briefing. This game lets you engage with those dynamics from a position of control. I like it when I'm watching the news. And thinking about how fragile global stability feels. I throw in a little supremacy world war three and that's where I go. And I just live out my fantasies. Yeah. It's a fun, fun game. And you could really be the hero in your own world, baby. All you got to do is download supremacy world war three for free and see if you've got what it takes to dominate the global battlefield. 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It's on online. And I really like hymns cause I like guys. So I like the name. So find the right hair regrowth treatment for you with flexible subscription options, access to a 24 seven, uh, provider support and once a day treatment options that fit your daily routine. Hymns is the way to go for simple online access to personalized and affordable care for hair loss, ed weight loss. And more visit hymns.com/hyhenas that's hymns.com/hyhenas for your free online visit. That's hymns.com/hyhenas featured products include compounded drug products, which the FDA does not approve or verify for safety, effectiveness or quality prescription required. See website for full details, restrictions and important safety information. Individual results may vary based on studies of topical and oral minoxidil and finasteride. Now, do you think Machiavelli had a leaky roof or you think this kid was a cunning kid? No. I think he was a very smart kid. He wrote a lot of things. He wrote the art of war. He wrote a book. Oh, did he write the art of war? No. Well that was Sun Tzu. But he wrote a book, his version called the art of war. But supposedly those from historians that his version of it wasn't really that good. It was more about military strategy and shit like that. Right. He was just, he was a guy trying to get back. He was a guy who had it and he lost it and he was trying to get it back. But he was a kid trying to throw the wig on, but people were tired of the wig. But they like, we've seen more Risa. But it's very interesting. It's very interesting that during his life, like he never really reaped the benefits of anything. Oh no. He died. He was. He struggled his whole life. He struggled, no money. I mean, he was living off of, you know, his wife, the dowry from the parents. He's a little farming money. I mean, the kid kind of died in obscurity, died in pain. What? Yeah. Oh, stop hitting the thing. Yeah. Yeah. I got to put that thing down. You got to put that thing. Yeah. Just pick up, pick up the fricking snooze. He never, he never achieved what he was trying to achieve. And like I was saying. The guy got the book and just like perused it and put it down and said, I know what you're trying to do. Saw through it and was very Machiavellian with him going, you're from the enemy. I'm not letting the snake back in the garden. Right. So it just, it didn't work out for him in his lifetime. But then what happened a hundred years later in France is a lot of these enlightenment thinkers discovered Machiavelli and they used Machiavellian tactics to topple the King. Because basically what historians looking at Machiavelli now and saying is like, Machiavelli was teaching good guys. He was basically teaching like good leaders how to maintain their power. Right. It's like, you have to be a little bit like the bad guy because those forces are trying to topple you. So you have to learn from the enemy and do be better at the enemy's game. You got to learn the Chinese way and out Chinese the Chinese. But he said there's a very delicate balance because you know, is it better to be fear than loved? Of course, you know, people say fear. You know, some people say love, but most people agree that, you know, fear will get you further and, you know, especially career and more money probably, but, um, that you don't want to be hated. So you got to be really careful because if people hate you, then it starts to work the other way. It's got to just be a little bit of fear where they know you won't matter. mess with them like you know like yeah the benevolent boss you know the people eventually going to start taking advantage of them you can be really nice to your employees but if they start to mess up you can really only give them one some bosses say a half of a chance and then you have to whip them back in but be kind about it if you start to get hated then they start to commiserate about you and Machiavelli was and so see oh here's the thing about Machiavelli though here's what some also historians say is one of his principles in the prince is you don't want to be too famous like you don't want to have all the attention because inevitably it's human nature if you start to get all the attention jealousy people are going to want to start to take you down so the way to have power is to be in the shadows so Machiavelli died in the shadows so some people say he he was living his principles because the kid never got famous and he never got powerful and the funny thing is is like you said it was basically a job application he was basically saying hey you need a guy like me right look at this book and how smart I am and how I can help you I just want to be in the shadows I'm not going to be in the shadows I'm not going to be in the shadows I'm not a threat to you right but I want to get back to where I was because you have to understand this kid was a diplomat this kid was hanging out with kings this kid was eating caviar right this kid was in the palace yeah this kid was in he had a sitcom yeah and then he got taken away he wanted to get back in the club yeah he wanted it big and he believed that humans were naturally selfish and self-interested fickle greedy easily influenced by fear but the key thing is he was not saying oh I have to be in the shadows I'm not going to be in the shadows I'm not going to hate them because of that he was saying this is his whole thing was like the world as it is not as you wish it was yeah big thing with every famous leader George Washington all these military leaders those are the best ones is when they just see the world as it is so he was he was basically saying in this book is guy they're selfish they're greedy they're fickle yeah even if you have to lie and cheat a little bit it's like this is the way of the world yeah he because he wasn't religious he was saying religion and all these things are making you think the world is something it's not he was making you think the world is something it's not basically saying whatever you got to do for the health of the state right do it like and and this is the way you do it and this is why you do it you do it because there's forces out there constantly trying to topple you and this is how you have to do it if you have an enemy it's better to do one swift brutal decapitation than little ones over the enemy's going to get madder and madder and madder so he's like you got to do complete defeat you got to wipe them out he was a kid who was not against a little genocide he liked a little wipeout you just get rid of your problem fully but he also wrote comedies yeah he wrote a comedy play called la mandragola which sounds like a nice pizzeria on third avenue la mandragola consider one of the great works of italian renaissance theater the catholic church hated this kid yeah so unfortunately lynn wouldn't have liked this kid because they felt his ideas were immoral and dangerous but that was after after they went viral i mean they went viral and but you know during his lifetime he was pretty much obscure he was up completely yeah now you got guys like napoleon auto von bismarck benito mussolini all these guys used uh you know they they kept they kept a copy of the prince on them at all times a lot of british war generals always had the prince on them because you know because the thing is too with power it's like you really got to want it you really got this book is for people i think now in today's world it's like everybody thinks they're supposed to be doing everything but back then it was like it was understood like not everybody wanted to be powerful like there's a lot of people who wanted to be powerful and they wanted to be powerful and they wanted to be powerful pressure to be powerful you got to do all this kind of stuff it's like guy i'm not i don't want power yeah i think you know it's funny sometimes things are funny i really do think this was uh a personal attempt to get a job back and say hey look how valuable i can be to you but by doing that posthumously other people read it because you know he was responsible for toppling a lot of uh a lot of kings oh yeah so and that's what he liked ultimately that's what he he didn't like he didn't like dictators and kings he liked the republic yeah that's what he he was a diplomat under a republic he thought that was the the best way you know he was he was probably a good guy and he's probably a moral guy but i think he was trying to get his position back he wanted to get back in but ultimately guys like uh you know uh robespierre am i pronouncing robespierre from the french revolution these these guys used machiavellian tactics to topple the monarchy now robespierre is a funny guy because he used machiavellian tactics to topple the monarchy and then the people killed him and then they then he got it turned on him yeah but uh the the the sound like liberals yeah they always turn on you they always turn they always eat each other they like to eat their they like to eat their own the more extreme you go that they will inevitably they eat each other hundred percent they don't pass the period that extreme right does the same yeah you see that with the weight you're working for wait a seat wait a second this guy's a fed he's a fed now right now online they're all the like the the thought the thought leaders on the right yes they're all eating each other because they're accusing each other of being feds yes and they're they're all there's like three or four of them and one of them's the next mma guy another kid is uh that fuentes kid and they're all accusing each other being feds yeah so that's fun and then on the left they're eating each other because they're going like uh those left guys are going uh hasan piker's bad then they're going wait hasan piker's not the enemy it's yeah so they're all fighting with each other and we we gotta get out of the studio because we lost our internet yeah we just lost our internet again because chris italia probably got up to go get a sandwich he blocked the signal so it shakes the ethernet up yeah so the guy the the real big giant of history that really loved him obviously rubbed sierra and all those guys liked him too uh rousseau you know they used it for the french revolution but napoleon bonaparte was the first big guy he was huge into machiavelli loved him he was into him big yeah yeah he carried around like you can't carry around 48 laws of power yeah you carry around like you carry around peptides well because i to be honest doing the research on machiavelli this weekend i dusted off 48 laws of power and what we're going to do yeah is each week what we're going to do is we're going to come in and we're going to start doing we're going to start reading an excerpt from 48 laws of power to start or end every podcast episode can we not do that let's just do it okay i don't like the idea but i'm down for it why don't you want to do it i will ask the people do they want us to do it yeah yeah yeah if every every week we'll just read a little excerpt i just think it could get a little annoying yeah okay well let's just do it for next let's just do it for we'll do it and we'll see how the people like it we'll see if it's a good idea or a bad idea yeah what do you think is that a good idea i love it let's do it 40 because here's the thing about the 48 laws of power or we could do 50 cents 50 laws of power they all tie into history okay so let's do it they all do have have you ever read the book no let's do it oh no i did the 48 laws of power i did read that yeah so what's interesting too what machiavelli said is about fear is like fear is more like love is more of an internal thing like i can choose to love you too but fear is more of an external thing it's like you put fear it's like you just put that out there that's it's almost like fear is out of control because it's like now you i've done something and you're you're making yourself like really go crazy because you're fearful so he said that's got a lot more power because it's out there it's in the external mysterious you know we can't put your finger on it can't put your finger on it's what what's your favorite what's your word of the day what is it it's not what's your favorite what's your favorite word of the day it's ethereal it's ethereal every time you say here you go a little bit more pure now let's be honest machiavelli basically was just teaching you how to fight like a chick that's what it is he's just teaching you how to manipulate and fight like a chick use your mind and be a little crafty and sneaky yes and if you hate someone tell him you like him you like him tell you hate him it's just fighting like a girl fighting like a girl i mean look at that face i mean this is a guy who yannis has and you've admitted this about you when you fight you like to bite yeah machiavelli is a biter he's a biter cuz yeah i got a bit of a bug problem in the house i can't take you seriously i'm being honest cuz i had you know yesterday i had the family over and i was horrified because i come down and i said we got bugs they're they're everywhere and so i said i need pesty right so i got pets yes things like that coming in the kitchen so i called yeah they're they're you know coming the ants are coming in the kitchen they're eating the food they were dancing felt like they were just dancing they wouldn't leave so these bugs yeah pesty i called pesty and they said we'll get rid of them you know what to do because pesty gets rid of over 100 types of bugs from spiders and ants to roaches and scorpions pesty is kid and pet friendly the pesticides they ship are fully registered and have been used in hospitals and schools all over the country the kit includes a sprayer a mixing bag a pesticide gloves and instructions you can complete in less than 10 minutes pesty offers 100 bug free guarantee or your money back what i love about it is just do you want to save a couple dollars you don't want to call an exterminator just get pesty and it'll do it for you yeah it's really good it's better than store-bought pesticide which is diluted and outdated with pesty you can get started at just at 35 dollars per treatment with a customized plan based on your location bugs and climate with the diy kit there are no strangers in your house or appointments to make um time for pesty gets rid of over 100 types of bugs from spiders and ants to roaches and scorpions pesty's kid friendly pesty's 100 guaranteed to make you bug free or your money back so that's what you got to do you'll get a full refund it includes all the stuff christy said keep the bugs away with pesty go to pesty.com slash hyenas for an extra 10 off your order that's p-e-s-t-i-e.com slash hyenas for an extra 10 off yeah yeah i might want to download that exxon mobile rewards plus app yeah are you the exxon tyke I am. Yeah, you know, new users can $110 in points, $5 after your first purchase and $5 after your second. That's a lot. That's a whole lot. It is. I will. Loading. Exxon. Trust the Tiger. Yeah, I mean, Machiavelli, I mean, I'd like to see him on that AI Instagram that you sent where, like, they bring the figures to life. It's actually mine. I've been going down a rabbit hole with that. It's crazy. He's a history hyena's fan. I know that. I know, I know. So could they do it with, like, Machiavelli? Of course. I'm sure it's been done. But because the only thing is with the paintings, it's like you don't know. It's artistic interpretation. But the actual pictures, that's crazy. But, you know, this is what I was thinking. Like, there are some portraits of guys that were around when there was photographs. Like, we have photographs of Abraham Lincoln. Right. And then there's also paintings of Abraham Lincoln. And the paintings look identical. And you have to remember that when they were doing these portraits and the paintings, they were trying to capture. They were trying to capture what the guy looked like. Right. They do it. And there's so many pictures. That's why I sent you the George Washington one. Because there's so many images of George Washington that when they brought that to life, you're going, that is what the dude looked like. Yes. Like, when he's moving and shit, that, like, if people came back, you know that that's George Washington. Have you seen this, Jesse? Yeah, I sent it to him. You sent it to him? Yeah. If you can pull it up. It's crazy. Because if you're listening, or maybe we could, because he says just send pictures. I want to see what Machiavelli looked like. Yeah. Like, they have one where they did Caesar. And, like, you know, there's a lot of statues of Caesar. Like, that is what Caesar looked like. Well, and two, like, you know what the big one is? This one was, that is what the dude looked like. That's Thomas Jefferson. Yeah, and you know that's him because we have so many paintings of the guy. It's wild, too, and, like, how, you know, even, like, what his skin most likely looked like and everything. Because then they use, like, the details of it. Like, people said the guy had, I mean, this is, that is him, dude. Isn't that bizarre? That is so wild. That's what Thomas Jefferson looked like. I'm like you. I spent, like, an hour just, like, that is him. That is him, dude. That's what he looked like. Well, like, these, with AI, like, these recreations of history are going to be so, like, it's almost like you went back in time and saw a video of it. Absolutely. Because they have so much information, it's like they can create every facet. I mean, yeah. I mean, this is wild. That is him. I mean, I bet you if he was, like, if he walked in here, it would be almost exactly like that. Like Thomas Jefferson would recognize himself and say, that's me. Of course, he'd recognize himself, but I bet you we would be like, dude, that's you. It may be a little off in the eyes or expressions. But, like, you, there's so many pictures of him. We know what he looks like. And then seeing him animated, you're going, dude, that's him. Do the George Washington. It's called bringing history to life. Yeah. It's the Instagram. It's so crazy. But it's bringing underscore history underscore to underscore life. Yeah. This one blew my mind because it's just. Look at GW. Yeah. Nick, look at this guy. Look at this shit. Well, this is Thomas J. again. Oh, here we go. George Washington painted in 1796. And then here. I mean, that's him, dude. It's wild. That is, that would be him. Because then AI would know, like, what does your face look like when you blink? What happens? What changes? I mean, he was a tall, big kid. I mean, look, dude. It's a little, it gives you the chills a little bit. It really does because it, and then it kind of goes to what we were saying on the Patreon. Like, this is kind of playing God. I mean, yeah, look at this, dude. I mean, that is George. That's exactly like what he would have looked like. That's George Washington. Probably what his skin would have looked like. You know, they can do all that. I mean, that's wild, though. That was wooden teeth. I want to see the kid's wooden teeth. I mean, that's fine. That's fucking wild. Jesse, is that bugged out? Very bugged out, yeah. Yeah. To see him, like, looking. To see him like that, the way he was thinking. Yeah, waving. He does look like a bit of a squeak, though, there. He was a tall kid, though. But he was a tall kid, yeah. What was he, like, 6'3", 6'4"? He was a big boy. Was he tall enough to call him a tall drink of water? A hundred percent. He was a tall drink of water, and he was supposedly a handsome drink of water. Yeah, he was a handsome drink of water. So, if, you know, bring history to life, if you hear this, I would love. Look at this shit. Let's see Abe. Yeah, look at this shit. Let's see Abe, yeah. I mean, bugged out. I mean, look at young Abe. Bugged out. Bugged out, dude. Make no mistake, Abe looked like a Jew. I mean, not really. The side profile's a bit Jewish. I mean, dude, that is Abe at that time. I mean, I'll kiss this kid on his lips big. I mean, this kid, he's got a good vibe. Him and George Washington got a good vibe to him. Yeah. When they talk, it looks crazy. Yeah, Thomas Jefferson, you know, he's a smart kid. I like Washington. I want to hang out with Washington. My guys are Washington. I really like Washington. Who's your guy? Who's your top five? Who's the GOAT? Who's the GOAT of what? Just guys in history? That era, your era, where you were reanimated from, because we know you were a Hessian who got killed by Indians. Because, yes, I mean, GW, of course. Is that number one for you? GW's number one. That's your Jordan. Yeah, I like him. Then I liked, what was his name? Von, he was the field marshal. Von, what was his last name? Von Strussell. He was the kid. He was fully gay. He was like openly gay, and he would train the troops. You know who I like big? You know who actually my guy is? The Marquis de Lafayette. Kid was only like 21 years old. I love the Marquis de Lafayette. Yeah. Big. Why do you like that guy so much? I just like him because he was a young French kid running around. Yeah. I like him. He probably, you know, like moved and had like a body like Marcelo Hernandez. I like that. You like that? Like a twink. Yeah, I like that. And then I really like Major John Andre. Who was on the British side. Who was hung for conspiring. His cocker. No, Major John Andre. Oh, he was hung dead. Okay. They hung him dead. I thought you meant he was hung like big. He was the one that got caught up in the Benedict Arnold scandal, but he was on the British side. But I really liked Major John Andre. I see a theme a lot in history for you. You like the bad guys a lot. I do. You like to imagine the bad guys winning. I really do. Yeah. I really do. Like you're big into the British. Well, because I like the alternate history of it all. Right. Right. Like what would have happened, you know? But yeah, the Marquis de Lafayette, big. And then I really, I really like Benjamin Franklin. I really do like him. You know, I like, see, I'm a little different. Okay. Yeah. I'm a little different. I like the revolutionaries. I like to think of all the nameless, faceless, working class people who stood up and rebelled against the billionaires of their time. Okay. Because that's essentially what they were. Yeah. They were the billionaires of their time. Yeah. Wink, AOC. I love you. Because you can say anything. I don't care what you say, AOC. I agree with it. Because you are what we call a piece. A piece. Now, did you hear about that? So she got in a little bit of hot water. She got in a little hot water. Why? Because she said, she was giving a speech and she used that as an analogy. And she goes, okay, essentially, she goes, essentially, we were, when we did the American Revolution, we were rebelling against the billionaires. We were the billionaires of our time. Okay. Right. And then people said, well, sweetie, George Washington was probably worth about 500 milli. Yeah. And the richest guy, I can't remember his name in the colonies. He basically funded the whole thing. He was a billy. Right. And all the founding fathers put together were worth many billies. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So it really was more about, hey, we don't want to get taxed. Yeah. So you're actually making what we would call a Republican argument. Taxation without representation. Yeah. So that's our argument. Here we go. And she just delivers it with such confidence. Yeah. And she's just, she's just gorgeous, though. She really is gorgeous. She's going to blow out when she gets older, though. I don't know. She's so beautiful. She really is pretty. She looks like Nick's hot cousin. It's just, and you think, and the thing is, if she wasn't beautiful, she wouldn't be this popular, right? Absolutely not. Is anyone sitting to listen to Tlaib Cooley? Yeah. What's her name? Was she Tlaib? No. No. Not at all. Okay. She is Beyonce. She is the Beyonce of the squad. And the other girls are Michelle Williams and the other one. Yeah. Now, and a friend, a friend of my neighbor claims he banged her in college. So it'd be funny if he actually did. Is that the kid who did comedy from your neighborhood? Which kid? With the toupee? Oh, oh, Lil Petey? Yeah. No. No. Some other kid. You would have known, but he banged her out. Now, here's the deal. Let her speak a little bit, because if I was sitting with her at a bar, like we were at a bar, like, let's be honest, we know where she's going to be, right? Right. Sure. She's going to be at a bar in Williamsburg, or she's going to be at a bar in Soho. Yes. She's never going to be up at a Dominican cafe. She ain't coming to Bay Ridge. No, she ain't going to Bay Ridge. You know, she's just, that's what she's going to be with her white boyfriend. And if she was telling me this, and like, we were like met at the bar, I'm agreeing with it. Yeah, a hundred percent. I'm agreeing with it. Yeah. I'm going, absolutely. Yeah. What we need to do is we need to, we need to murder a few more billionaires. Yeah. We need to get rid of them. They're all bad. Yeah. America was founded. Let's hear it. I like hearing her. You look at Thomas Jefferson writing. Yeah. To Madison. This is just the greatest. It's just. The revolt of British aristocracy. The American revolution was against the billionaires of their time. Just make it work. Yeah. America was founded. You look at Thomas Jefferson writing to Madison. In revolt of British aristocracy. Yeah, but yeah, it's just not true. No, no, it's just not true. You're just, you're fitting it in for your ideology. It's just. It's not what happened. Honey, look. Yeah. Let's just see the tits. Yeah. It's just. I'm glad I'm 14. Just take your tits out. It'd be funny if somebody stood up and said, honey, I'd rather not see the tits. Yeah. It's just, it's not true what she's saying at all. It's just not true. How could you say this? Not at all. Not at all. Not at all. Not even close. Not affiliated. No. Not even at all. Yeah. Not at all. Yeah. Now, also too, before we get to the Patreon, because the only thing we're going to do is the only one truth in this world is patreon.com. I just want to say one thing, that the New York Knicks are being powered by Jesus Christ. I don't know what's going on. The New York Knicks are being powered by Jesus Christ. Christ himself? I've never seen anything like it. They are winning by like 30 and 40. They have, they've never, they've, no teams in NBA history, I think, have won by this margin. You got to look, once in a while, you get a story that really tickles you in your heart. And let me say something. In my Josh heart. In my Josh heart. Let me tell you something, okay? Let me tell you. Brunson turned down $104 million. Yeah. To stay with the Knicks and allow his guys, his disciples, to make a little scratch because he wanted to win. You see Steph Curry did the same thing, right? He, you know, he wants, some guys, they go, I got enough. Right. I got enough. I'm going to make money with endorsements. I do also want to enjoy my life and I want to be on a winning squad. Right. And another $104 million, I'll leave that for the John Walls of the world. Yeah, whatever. Just whatever. I'm here to win. This is the character of their leader matriculating. Brunson turned down onto the role players. Shit rolls downhill. Shit rolls downhill. This is a guy with a little loyalty, a little integrity, and I love him. He looks like a cappuccino. He looks like a doctor. He's a cappuccino with oat milk. He's a little light-skinned king. Yeah. And I like this little light-skinned king. And he really is a great leader. And if I was a child during this, all this, even though I was a little white kid growing up in Ridgewood. I would have my hair braided in school today. Yeah. I would be down there because make. Are you ready for this one? I'm about to fucking tell you right now. Tell me, Sean. The Knicks are going to the NBA Finals. I think the Knicks are going. They're going to beat Detroit or Cleveland. No problem. Big. And then they're going to get smoked by OKC. The OK. Oklahoma City Thunder are an unstoppable force right now. And the Oklahoma City Thunder are a little scary to me, but I'm going to, again, put my faith in Jesus Christ. And I'm going to tell the Knicks if I get, if God willing, I'm able to sit another game where I'm an earshot of them. I'm going to tell them. I'm going to tell them that you are fighting for Christendom and that is Islam. If that is Constantinople and get it back, SGA is. Islam! Yeah. Yeah. So, yeah, I mean, it's going to be an amazing story. I think they're both going to the Finals and it will be David versus Goliath. But really, it is inspiring to see he's got all these guys playing. And I think it's because he leads by example. He's unselfish. I think taking that deal, that makes your guys buy in. I'm passing up $104 million because I want you to buy in. I want you guys to be here and I want to do this with you guys. Yeah. That's loyalty. That's commitment. That's a guy you're going to bleed for. Bleed for. And here's the thing is people say, oh, the East is a little weak. They played the Hawks and the Sixers. It's like, guy, they're professional NBA basketball teams. Yeah. Okay. These guys ain't missing their shots and they're playing great defense. It's like. Or you can just say, or you can just be honest and go, all right, listen, you make a good point. Yeah. Just what it is. Or you could just say that. All right, you listen, you make a good point, but still I'm excited that we're the king of the dipshits. Yeah. Yeah. So go Knicks. All right. So now, as always, at the end of every episode, patreon.com slash historyinus is where all the fun happens. We pick the funniest name and they get. Oh, and by the way, real quick, we want to announce, I looked through it, last week's winner goes to Giannis' eyes are closer than the cousins that made him. Wow, that won. That seemed like it won. Wow. Okay. Okay. So it was a good, simple, clean. Yeah. The problem with that one now is it. It's going to be hard to top it. Let's see if you could come with some good Cyclops jokes. Yes. Because that, it's like, that is clean, simple. So, yeah. So that is, that was the winner. And, you know, again, you can only get involved at patreon.com slash historyinus. But let's start with this list. Today's list, we have Sam, Leon, then we have Josephine, which is my dog. Josephine is a UConn fan because like her father, she only likes her kind. Lad of 14. It's a husky joke. It's a racist joke. And since it's the first one, I don't know, I can't tell the future what this list is going to turn out to be. Okay. I'm putting it on the list. There we go. It's good. It smells like a Drexler, but I'm not sure. Not sure, but it's good. Fellow Catholic praying Christy doesn't lose his house. He can't afford a men. That's a good prayer. Kieran Knightley. Then we got I Smoke Hash Man. Then we got Christy's alternate universe, K-pop Frisbee Hunter. Wow. Okay. Waste on shit. That's what it is. Tony, take note. It's like a demon hunter. For the end of the year. Yeah. Yeah. Then we got Sean the Contractor. Woulda did the door right. Chicken figure. Chicken figure. That's an old school one. Then we got Admiral Baddientos, Oliver Watson. Then we got Murfreesboro Elks Lodge 572. Kids. Yeah. Very funny. Yeah. It's a good Elks Lodge. He wants to do a show there probably. Yeah. He probably wants us to go over there. Then we got Holly Gluia. Chicken finger. Big one. Then we got a muzzy gas station called 9-11. It's 10-7-11. Yeah. Drexler. Put him on the list. All right. Fine. Yeah. Fine. I don't know where this list is going. Ian Mays, Austin Blackstone, Half Pint. Then we got Pep Talk. Convince me now I'm pep-tarded. Pep-tarded is great. Drexler. Then we got. Gotcha. Gotcha. Walked into one shot here. Gotcha. Because they spelled it like the next one. Yeah. They got you. Oh. Is this me? Hold on. Yeah. All right. And we're back. Okay. Then we got Scream 7. Return. Okay. Walked into one. Back to back. Then we got Met Tom Cruise. Now I'm gay. Call me Top Fun. Like Top Gun. Top Fun. Yeah. Almost. Okay. DJ. Then we got She Took the Kids But She Can't Unsweet My Chimney. Put him on the list. Check out the catapult. Yeah. We have a contender. So the kid's saying his wife took his kids but I'll always have that she ate my ass. Top contender. Yeah. Then we got. I wipe my ass with dude wipes. Now my wife's underpants look like she's on her period. I don't get it. I guess he wiped his ass with dude wipes. I guess his ass bled and he threw on his wife's undies. Got it. Yeah. Really good. Yeah. Drexler. Yeah. Yeah. That was so good. It took me a second. It was the difference between the shit and the blood. Right. Yeah. Then we got. It's 29 years too long to wait for my adult penis to come in. List it. Yeah. Okay. There we go. List it. Contender. Yeah. Contender. Then we got Chuck Minoris, Sean Ramsey, Coolio Hyena, Melted Six. Then we got Colada 14, My Belly Button Has Fumes. Okay. Then we got Carlos Spicy Wiener, Dix Zillow. Then we got Jumpstart, My Micropene Like Flickin' a Bean. Then we got Iran Didn't Listen, Trump Said, I Atoll Ya Asshole. Close. I Atoll Ya So. Oh, I Atoll Ya So. Yeah. Okay. I want to retroactively Drexler the. Jumpstart, My Peen. Jumpstart, My Micropene Like Flickin' a Bean. Yeah. I want to Drexler that. That's a really good one. Then we got Martin Ryan, Douglas Brucker. Then we got Illegal Latinas, Made Me a Spermicidal Maniac, Epic. Then we got Congestion Pricing, Unclogged the Jewish Tunnels. Wei Songxian. That's what it is. Okay. That's for the end of the year. Then we got. It's a Drexler. Drexler. Drew Sabota. Then we got Spend $40 on You Instead of Of You, Better Make Me Cut. I don't get it. Only fans. Only fans. Got it. Brand 56. Then we got Louis C. Gay. I like to play with my cocks not in large crowds every day. Drexler. Christopher Albarico. Then we got Why's Her Squirt Smell Like Ammonia. Good question. Chicken figure. Then we got Prep Advocate at the Mamdani store. They egged me. I don't know. Then we got Now I Have to Rewatch to Hear Me. Hear What You Actually Say. Okay. William Gidlow. Then we got Slippin' Henry, Fuck the Army Jenny, Leroy Dinglin. Okay. Heard a Theory and Tested. My Clone is Gay. Clitosaurus Rex. Zachary Haynes. Slappy Sofrito Shooter. Aaron West. Having Trouble Reading This. It's a Long-Ass Name, Bitch. Seth. Then we got Yanni Gluing His Own Gyro. Kyle Bolton. Flushing Dog Catcher Selling Chicken Fingers. I don't get it. Flushing, I don't know. Dog, I guess Chinese dog. A lot of Asians in Flushing. Oh, Flushing Queens. A little too inside. Big Man Pokey, Lucas Krauss. Big Man Pokey gets a chicken figure. What's up, Big Man Pokey? I like that. Then we got Bought a Squatty Potty So I Could Reach My Piece. Drexler. Okay. Then we got Using the Typing Indicator on iMessage as an Emoji for Three Indians, dot, dot, dot. He went for it. He went for it. Rock Mastrangelo. Katy, Harry Leonard. Why do the bad guys always smell funny? Wei Songxian. Put him on the list. Geez. Yeah, put him on the list. It's just funny. Zeon Sanchez. Evan Miller. Shane Chambers is my favorite doctor. Shout out. Yeah. Then we got Lactose Intolerance is for the gays and women. Real men just shit their pants after eating cheese. It's what it is. That's Bortle. I'm a Drexler. We got better ones. Eon McDonoghue. Yanni. Yanni's pee leaky glue gun provides the secret ingredient for tzatziki. The kid with the small piece. Make no mistake. I'll suck till those toes come undone. Call him Straight Toe Chrissy. Put him on the list. Okay. That's just funny. Yeah. Yeah. Fix you up. Yeah. Fix you up. Fix you up. This finally feels like the home. Time to sell. Right. Alex Zillmer. Cesar Zarada. Andrew. Andy Dufresne. Omar, Alex Kleiman Married to Leroy way song she ain't shit okay latter point wait though that was bad the word play though yeah i inside joke though we can't do anything though yeah but it is his kid it's his kid so what do we do or her kid yeah or her kid or her kid nick what do we do victim of there's a good pun on victim of a bad read it's walked into one yeah yeah walk into one all right nick will give us walked in yeah uh then we could win it at the end of the year though could win it at the end of the year then we got red bio for name shane lamb harrison hitzler it's my name it's what it is his name is harrison hitzler okay funny olaf rachel taylor um does it get bigger please tell me it gets bigger chicken finger jeffrey dahmer and cannibal cummings shot uh small muzzy that likes wrestling call me the iron squeak chicken finger nice yeah it's a mild chicken man freddie small chicken finger you think you think you think two pages is enough yeah you think we got enough for a list oh yeah okay okay all right here we go all right so relatively strong list last week's list was a hall of famer the best of all time so so and even the fans were saying that so this is obviously still great but you gotta understand like this list in and of itself might be a drexler that's right okay so josephine is a uconn fan because like her father she only likes her kind we're gonna dress to that for that we put it on as a holding place but still good enough a muzzy gas station called 9-11 that's a really good one we're gonna drexler it um she took the kids but she can't unsweet my chimney we're keeping that around that's around we're keeping it around we're not letting it leave then we got it's 29 years too long to wait for my adult penis to come in we're keeping it around calling it an adult penis to me is very funny yeah then we go why do the bad guys want to be the bad guys always smell funny we're keeping it around hey it's just so funny then we got make no mistake i'll suck till those toes come undone call me straight toe creasy chrissy straight toe chrissy we got four we got four really keeping that around yeah that's funny okay is that all is that it those are the four okay we got it it's a tough job so i'll read them all out she took the kids but she can't unsweet my chimney it's 29 years too long to wait for my adult penis to come in why do the bad guys always smell funny or make no mistake i'll suck till those toes come undone call him straight toe chrissy okay i we're gonna we're gonna this is gonna be we're gonna we're gonna solve this as one warm collectivist organism right because this is not a job for uh executive order no this this requires a brain trust this is what it is yeah so guys i'm going towards um i'm going towards drexlering the toes drexler what do you think yeah i say drexler the toes even though even though it's great it's great drexler it yeah hard any other day so now it's between she took the kids but she can't unsweet my chimney it's 29 years too long to wait for my adult penis to come in or why do the bad guys always smell funny i mean this is as hard this is as hard as the decision of we as we've ever had as hard as last week this is as hard as last week i mean this the the volume of good ones isn't like last week yeah but the three ones we have are as good as any ones we've ever had so for me if i had to pick one you got a gun to my piece i'm gonna say she took the kids but she cannot sweep my chimneys the winner because it really made me laugh really good because because it's very funny and we've all been there where it's like you can you know an ex-girlfriend or whatever or you know ex-wife you can do whatever but that happened i always know you ate my ass yeah yeah yeah it's very funny and it's kind of one of those things that you'll have forever yeah to say you know this guy she'll get remarried and he'll say she ate my ass for me this is very difficult because i agree with you but i don't want to forget these other two right i don't right i mean i don't want to forget them right i don't i don't believe that they lost today right i don't believe the bad guys always smell funny lost right i don't believe i don't think the guy who said is 29 years too long away from my adult periods are growing lost today yeah so i just want to say to you two guys this is what makes this game so tough tough yeah it's the luck of the draw you're in a list with this guy right i mean on another list they're all winners they're all winners it's just unfortunate well so what's your vote though of the three agree with you you guys think nick and jesse yes yeah i agree yeah i love the adult penis but yeah you cannot sweep his chimney yeah yeah so congratulations go to historyinusisback.com see your name up in lights you are the ppw the pseudo penis of the week she took the kids but she can't unsweep my chimney so you are the winner and you know congratulations you will always have that over her yeah so thank you guys so much for listening go to patreon.com slash historyinus to hear the bonus episode and this episode ad free with summer coming to an end you're going to be spending more time indoors get your home ready and save up to 50 off custom window treatments during the labor day mega sale at blinds.com from room darkening to light filtering shades finding the perfect fit is easy get free samples expert design help and professional measure and install services or diy with confidence and support every step of the way shop up to 50 off site wide plus huge savings on door busters right now during the labor day mega sale at blinds.com