Losing Your Partner (and Loving Again) with Kelly Rizzo

I'm supposed to move on or when everyone else says you're supposed to do this or not supposed to do this and you really just learn that there are no rules this podcast is a dear media production hi guys rain adult don't start you gotta die just leave hi guys hi guys welcome back to another episode of girls got so hung over i don't know how to function what if that was our energy though you walked in this room and i was just sitting in the dark i know when someone's just sitting in the dark you're like oh it's dark in more ways than one something's wrong you were like do you need a ride today i was like i think i need to just be on my own but our friend my only friend is like i need to just be on my own but our friend my only friend is like i need to just be on my own but our friend my only friend is like i need to just be on my own but our friend my only friend is like i need to just be on my own but our friend my only friend journey our friend bobby's staying with me and like i've just been upstairs in my room just being quiet and he was like i'll walk you to the to the studio and i was like no no i'm gonna go that's what two drinks will do to you in your 40s everybody i really did not have a lot to drink last night yeah like we both have not been drinking a lot i mean you know i'm usually not drinking a lot and you can't you're on tour you're working nights now and so a day worker and a night worker and week to week it varies in terms of if i have a glass of wine with dinner and this whole week until the exception of last night i just didn't i had like a seltzer i might have a little treat i like to treat myself with something after dinner whether it's a sweet treat like a brownie or ice cream but like or just something with bubbles and the other night i was like do i want a glass of wine or do i just want like a grapefruit spin drift and i did a spin drift and i just woke up i felt so good like it looked so good from one spinny no reina and i'm not doing alcohol reina never do alcohol reina is gonna be sundowning this whole episode i can already feel it i was editing an episode recently and you just were not you were you were grasping like half a concept and it was because it was too late in the day ashley you made me record on a friday i made her oh you guys you've made me and i don't know how this happened i'm reina's ross podcast i'm the boss here we did a show yesterday and we did netflix as a joke and it was so nice to have you be in charge i loved it i do love to be in charge i felt so taken care of okay let's thank our partners okay thank you to quince refresh your wardrobe get free shipping and 365 day returns on your next order at quince.com slash gge and thank you to ag1 get an ag1 flavor sampler plus a bottle of vitamin d3 plus k2 free with your first ag1 subscription at drink ag1.com slash gge and blissy wake up with clearer skin and smoother hair get 60 nights risk-free plus 30 off at blissy.com slash gge with code gge also yesterday we were like planning the show i was like i asked you a question i was like how will we decide and you were like i'll decide okay so the timing of our live shows is something that i have on lock yeah i've never been wrong well you plan them well i just and i you know i've been doing stand-up for 10 years i have a was one incident that the show ran too long and we had to get off stage and that was because they didn't let us know there was a curfew so sorry chicago 2023 that we had to rush the end of that show but i always know where we're at and i still am impressed with myself where i'm like it's gonna be a 90 minute show and then alas 90 minutes and so raina will be like i just don't know if we have enough i don't know if it's gonna be too long it's gonna be too short you still are doing this 250 shows later i don't know i think it's gonna be too short i think it's gonna be too long just leave it to me i've leaned in okay i've had to be in charge of my whole self this whole tour i had to make like a really hard professional decision the other day and i was just like i have to just do this alone it was all by yourself and wait why could i help her now did you ask for my opinion what was it is this private oh yeah yeah that one i said you do you i said i will support you and i'm gonna do it for you and i'm gonna do it for you and i'm gonna do it for you either way i did not want to you were 51 in the camp of do it yeah but i was like i'm not gonna push you on this so but you did you know you did the thing you know you and i i joke around you i work really hard at this business obviously it's not like yeah i know people are just like in the wrong idea we also have different responsibilities yeah so and also we've just been in business long enough that i do just trust you i like when i'm like you just do it it's like i just i know it but yeah i've just been out here being in charge of me and it's exhausting but you weigh in on stuff i feel you know you have been on tour longer than me so like in terms of like what's fair to pay people what's expected in terms of like cover this don't cover that like i do turn to you more because it's my first tour yeah happy to help i need you to love those conversations manage me we're wearing a matching flip-flops today didn't i get you those yeah so i still you know i will say i never really thought i would be back into flip flops like thong sandals obviously we all wore them for so many years haviana rainbow i feel like that was more of a south thing but then that was like all we wore and then i retired them and they kind of went out of style and i was like i do need more support and now they are back and i love the look and i don't like the way they feel and so i'm not comfortable and i don't feel stable you have been saying that for a long time and yet you're always i'm doing it i know and they're so light and small to pack but even shank and i went to dinner would just walk to a place in our neighborhood and i was like i shouldn't have worn these i don't feel secure you don't have a fear of slipping you get scared about slipping and i just don't have the support like we used just to roll around willy-nilly flip-flopping i'd rather wear a slide this is just not i mean it looks i love the look though it looks like that might snap and then you have no shoe i exactly and then you have a chanel heel cover i walked here in my teaks crazy and i just i'm comfy do you feel comfortable i feel ugly but i like my my feet are just out there to the world and i haven't had a pedicure in like three weeks and they are long do you feel supported nothing could support me today i'm actually surprised you're hung over in flip-flops like i would feel so unsecure i would feel really just not i'm already so uncomfy i was just like yeah who cares i do look at them and they look like they're gonna snap but i just i didn't think i would love the way they look with so many different outfits and so here we are and so just know if you guys see me out in these streets in these teaks i look good i don't feel good i've been trying to figure out something that's in between teaks and sneaks guess what i will not be doing loafers no like this ballet ballet flats whatever you guys want to do and they are in style but there's the ballet flat i will never and then there's this ballet flat sneaker hybrid fuck no that i refuse no but these are what's in and i'm not gonna do that i'm not gonna do that i'm not gonna do that i'm not gonna i hate it i personally look so stupid with the ballet flat you were those clear ones recently i don't like those yeah i haven't seen him and i sold not posh reina's other job that's why i have to run this company because reina's busy on my other work i'm busy selling everything i own my shopping addiction well i'm trying to condense three bedrooms of clothing into one bedroom apartment at some point but yeah ballet flats i still like because i feel like i'm tiny and i could do anything i want and i'm not gonna do that you look cute but like i went i did this podcast with this guy the other day and i was randomly trying to look cute i don't know why you were you were i was trying to look kind of cute and i didn't know what shoes to wear i don't know why because you're single and he's fun and good looking yeah but i'm not gonna date that guy so what are you right that's true i'm not i can't take what you were doing i can't take him seriously it's like a prospect but he is cute so i wanted to like look cute as opposed to the last guy you slept with that you took so seriously i hate him one thing about reina greenberg is she does not take someone seriously i don't have to take them seriously sleep with them he fucked pretty well i took that seriously took that really seriously i took that dead serious actually dead ass okay so you wore those clear sandals no i wore adidas i wore you saw me after we recorded i wore this brown like skims shapewear bodysuit and i'm not gonna lie i'm not gonna lie i'm not gonna lie i'm not gonna lie i wore i wore adidas like sneakers yeah like sambas yeah i'm a sambas girl yeah but i just the ballet flats are in and this ballet flats sneaker situation and it just couldn't be me and this is just whatever you want to do this is just my taste i think they're hideous and if you like it then i love that for you i like a loafer i love a loafer i take myself serious in a loafer i'm like she means she's at business but then sometimes like i bought these like lug sole loafers i was like i look so stupid i look stupid my feet are too big for these yeah they're too like masculine for my little yeah they were too masculine okay so we have kelly rizzo on today we will talk to her obviously shortly but she's married to bob saget who passed away and we're talking about grief and i met her at a dinner last week dear media hosted this dinner with pinterest and we just started talking and i just liked her immediately and i felt comfortable with her and i started talking shit about something in the room they put on a great but there was like a thing that bothered me, has nothing to do with that. It is the great unifier if you can just start talking shit with somebody about something. So we just like kind of bonded over that. And then we got started talking and she will share her story. But she was obviously married to Bob Saget and she is dating someone new now. You might know who he is and we'll talk about that with her and just all the things. So I just wanted to say we did a grief episode when my dog Dewey died. Very different to lose a pet, to lose a spouse that goes without saying or a parent or to anything. You know, a pet is different than a person. But I still just want to cite it because I do get asked about it a lot. And people message me that their pet died and they listen to it. And also people have asked that don't know it exists and do we have any resources like that. So anyway, it was called Pet Loss, Grief, Relief and Showing Love in February, February 8th, 2021. If you guys want to check that out. And then we had Kate Nichols, a comedian and a friend on in July of 2020. And we chatted with her about losing a parent. And her mother's breast cancer and all sorts of things. So those are two grief related episodes. If you guys are looking for this because we asked on Instagram what you guys want to talk about. And so many people respond. I mean, there's a lot of people who have obviously dealt with loss and grief. And so we just wanted to offer those additional episodes. It's a blind spot for me. I hate to be like, I never lost anybody. But I didn't have pets growing up. And my parents are healthy. My grandparents passed away when I was pretty young. You know, grandparents are supposed to pass away. You know, I haven't had a pet. In part, when I was 19, my boyfriend died. And that was a horrible, obviously terrible situation. But not my lifelong partner. Yeah. You know, like that was somebody I casually was dating. And of course, that was something really, really horrifying to struggle with. And more so when you're 19, just your own mortality is really, really tough to struggle with. But I've never like in my adult life lost a partner or a pet or anything like that. So it's a blind spot to me. And I think that from the outside, we're all thinking like, how do I support somebody? Because you and I had a really close friend that lost their pet recently. And I said to her, like, I don't know. How often do you want me to check in with you about this? I don't know if you want me to bring this up every day because it's on my mind every day. Like when I talk to you. But I don't know if you do you want to be reminded of this every single day? It is tough. And you just can ask your friend that if you're close enough friends, like, how do you want me to support you? So if obviously it's our same friend and I just want to keep checking in on her. She's really struggled with it a lot, obviously, like we all do when we lose a pet. And so I try to be a little vague, like, I just want to check in on you. How are you doing? I'm. Thinking about you as opposed to mentioning the dog, even like, not that I would, but I'd like to keep it. I'm thinking about you. I'll send her a voice note. Do you want to talk? How are things going? She knows what I'm asking. You know, a lot of people, when something happens, they'll check in once and then that's it. And that's also OK. It depends on your relationship. It depends on the closeness of the friendship. This is a really close friend of ours. You know, when Dewey passed, I had people checking in for weeks, months even. And then I had people who checked in once, sent flowers. And that was absolutely enough, given the nature and closeness of our relationship. Also, this is our friend, Brittany Schmidt, who's been on the show. And she's talked about this publicly on her podcast and has posted about it. But sometimes you're like, well, I don't want to bring this up in case you had like an hour of peace. I know. And somebody's like, hey, how are you feeling? You're like, I was I was feeling fine until you mentioned it. I know. I know. It's crazy. So I come to this episode from the other side of things of like, I don't really know how to support somebody when they're like that from a lens of like, I've been through this because I know you and her have been talking so much more because. You went through the same thing, but, you know, I like to make everything about me and I can't make this about me. I can't be like when this happened to me, X, Y, Z, you know, truly. I'm just like, you got to tell me how I can show up for you. It's so interesting because towing the line of your own experience, too, because it's not about me. I went through it and here's how I dealt with it. And here's how I felt day to day and week to week. And so I find myself like not I'm not trying to bring it back to me, but it's I think that people want to hear. How did you? Or how did you feel? And so I just think with your close friends and family, just ask these questions. Yeah. Like for to your point, I mean, I would straight up ask my friend, do you want me to check in on you daily? Like, I don't want to bring this up if you're having a nice day, a bit of happiness. Yeah. She said to me, I don't want you to bring it up a lot. She was like, you've checked in a lot and I appreciate it. And like, I'll tell you if I want to talk about it. And I was like, yeah, great. But like, you know, I think. We all want to say in any situation I've been through XYZ and this is how long it took me to get over it. This is how long like I think that like, quote unquote, it's healthy to dwell on it. This is when you like breakups, anything, you know, I think I think to your experience with Dewey makes sense because it's like, well, how long until you felt better? I think people are like, I want to know how long until I stop feeling so bad. But I just think most people want to be checked in on. I think you can do it in a vague way. But again, if they don't, I think they will. Tell me. I mean, someone who loses a parent or a child or a spouse. I mean, we'll talk about this today with Kelly. You're on my mind every day if you're a close friend of mine and I want you to know I'm thinking about you and I'm not forgetting about it. And so it is really trying to find that that balance. Losing somebody really close to you like that. I don't think you have many moments where you're not thinking about it. And I get served like content like this sometimes from women who have lost their mom and they're like, it's my whole identity. And I'm like, I don't want to be a part of this. And every decision that I make in my entire life. And again, that's not everybody's experience. But, you know, so it is interesting how much people want. You just have to like ask them and see there's no harm in that. Everyone's different. So there is no way to know like this. There is no like rule book or playbook. So we'll get into it more with her. Yeah. Her story. OK, well, I wanted to chat with this article with you. I saw this and it's one of these debatable topics. This was in Bustle, not the cut. I did see another article on the cut the other day. I was like, we got to stop. We got to stop. They're going to send us a season. I know. They're like, guys, get your own podcast. OK, so the title is your Instagram story text is too damn small. Tiny type is sweeping Instagram and violating the social contract of social media. If it's an art form, then it's an art form of being annoying. I guess that's like someone's quote. But it says she opens it up as of late. Scrolling through social media feels like I'm in an ophthalmologist appointment. Like I'm under. I'm undergoing a nonconsensual vision exercise because the text everyone's slapping on their Instagram story seems to be getting smaller and smaller by the day. Do you agree that you find that it's getting smaller and smaller? No, not small. It's like some people do it or some people don't. When it's too big, it feels very boomer to me. Like sometimes I write something really big and I'm like, should I be embarrassed? I don't know how boomer ish is this of me, but like really small. I'm just like, what am I doing here? I do not. I do not want someone to have to screenshot it and zoom in, grow up. That is attention seeking. Pick me behavior. It's the same as like people intentionally vague because they're trying to like, you know, sympathy trap or what I get attention. But I do it smaller sometimes just as an aesthetic. It's readable. And if it's something that maybe I am just trying to say more subtly or I'm trying to be humble about something or I don't know. And then sometimes I write a giant. I'm screaming. It feels like how I'm saying the thing in my head. Yeah, I size of the tech. It depends on how much I want people to buy the tickets that we sell. I want people to buy my Poshmark stuff. No shopper affiliate links like that stuff. I make really big. I want clear. I'm not doing small stuff. It's not like an art form that I need to lean into. I think you and I are funny. And if I say something, I want to say with my whole chest. I think I'm being silly. I want to just be silly. But I support people doing small text if they want to feel a little artsy in that moment. If I can't read it. If I have to actually screenshot and zoom in, get fucked. But otherwise, if it's readable, even if it's tiny, I support you. Shashank's a small, small type guy. Okay, can I just tell you, Shashank, I never know what he's posting. And at least three times a week, I'm like, I want to text him and ask him what this is about. And for three years, honestly, I've just been like, let him cook. Like, I can't. I don't know what to do. And I'm supposed to know it's multiple times a week. I want to message him and be like, what is this about? Like, it'll just be like a land. Scape or a car or a house or like a thing. I'm just like, I don't. What is this about? But like, I'm just like, I got to let him cook. I don't know. He's it's he's just it's his niche interests. So, yeah, it's just like, do you understand it? I know that it's just something he likes. Yeah, I just it's like he likes architecture and cars and music and deep cuts and Mac Miller. And it's a lot of times it's a building. And I'm like, you just need to start trolling. And what is this? Why? I want to ask him all the time. And then the like urge passes where I'm sometimes just like, I got to let people live. I got to let people just like be who they are. I can't just be in Shashank's comments every day. Like, what does this mean? Just do it. Who cares? OK, make him answer. OK, so there's just a couple quotes of the article I think that are interesting. So someone says, whenever I have done it, though, I don't do it often. It's because I'm using my small voice. It's not something that I necessarily want people to feel that they need to read. You can be a passive consumer of the main visual image. But if you're interested in the fine print, it's there for you. OK, I sort of get that. Like, that is sometimes how I feel. Like, I'm like, the copy is the least important part of this post. The only real problem I have in this world with Instagram is too much, too much text. Who's reading this? Who is this for? Well, all this information. I mean, I do that. I'll fill a screen if it's about like a political thing. You don't abuse it. Some people abuse it. OK, right. It's their journal. Yes. Some people like some food. Bloggers like go to the grocery store and the Instagram store, like seven different things at the grocery store. And they explain to you why they like it. And I'm like. Like, I didn't need this. Write a cookbook. Yeah. This should be in a doc somewhere, and you should print it later. And make this a feed post, and it'll be my business if I read this later. But don't put this across my desk and make me do this. And make me hold it down with my thumb. I'm with you. But I'll fill a screen. I have something to say. Yeah. But you're right. Like, use it sparingly. Yeah, don't abuse it. Do you have a signature font? I have just been going back and forth a lot. Okay. Sometimes I notice that you and I have been doing the same font for, like, a few days. And I'm like, I got to switch up the font. And I go back. I do deco a lot when I'm trying to be, like, classy. I do deco. Okay, wait. Let me see their names. Okay. So we have the Instagram story fonts. Modern, classic, signature, editor, poster, bubble, deco, squeeze, typewriter, strong, meme, elegant, directional. Who's ever used that? And literature. Wait, I think signature is the one I use the most, right? That's, like, the pretty one. I'll show you my Instagram. This one? Is this signature? No. Which one's that? That's poster. Okay. So my number one is poster. Yes. But sometimes I'm just, like, I feel like I'm just taking it too far. Like, it's just, it's too big. And it's just, it's too design-y for what we're doing here. And so I do deco. It's serif. It's the difference between a serif and a sans serif. Uh-huh. I like deco if I'm trying to communicate information. Like, I want you to take this seriously. Our Girl's Gotta Eat signature. We decided. Ashley decided it's classy. Just kind of fell into it. Yeah, it's classy. And I like, I like a classic every once in a while. Classic just means, I mean, business, you know? Classic every day. I'm not trying to jazz it up. I just want to disseminate a little bit of information in a way that's just, you know, it feels like home. Classic is me every day. If I veer from it, it's, I'm making a statement. Like, if, you know, I would have used a signature or a elegant for some of my, like, maybe my wedding stuff or something like that. And I love when they do a holiday font. The Halloween font. Okay, but do you, if you have classic on a few Instagram stories, will you switch to another one while those stories are still up? Yeah, because it's not that serious. I take it that seriously. Like, I'm taking it this way too seriously. Yeah, I'll switch it up. But I, you know what? When all the new ones came out, I was like, am I really still going to do classic with all these other options? And for a while, I was in my poster era. I like strong. Strong is strong. Which one's strong? Strong is just, it's got a little slant. It's bold. I do not like strong. Oh, you hate strong. You know what I'll never do? Meme. Meme. It's like a Comic Sans. Let me see it. Strong is egregious. I don't like it. Who is using meme? The same people that use Comic Sans. What's the one next to meme? I hate that one too. Elegant. That is, that looks like Disney adults. Oh my gosh. I didn't see that coming. Okay. Deco's cute. Yeah. Squeeze is fun sometimes. Taylor Frost, our friend, squeeze giant. All the time. It's not for me. It's really not for me. She's cooler than I am. She's a great follower though. She can do whatever she wants. Okay. Well, let us know what your guys' signature font is. I think about this a lot. I do too. Can I tell you what I hate doing? Feed posts. I hate them. What do you mean? I just get really nervous about captions. I'm just not that, I'm not a caption, I'm not a clever caption person. And I just get like really nervous every time I'm going to post a feed post. I hate it. Is this a hard launch of how many times I've written your captions? You write my captions a lot. You leave really good comments. Like it's not an art form I'm good at. And I think I'm really funny, but I'm not good at, you leave really good comments. You leave good comments a lot. Shashank leaves really good comments. Like he's funny. I'm not good at it. Like, I feel like I just tweeting was never an art for me. Okay. Yeah. So you haven't been training, but like, how does one train? I don't know. I mean, I'm also like a memer. Like I love short, quippy internet shit. You do. I'm not mad. It's just, it's not of me. Okay. Yeah. I just, I get nervous about all that stuff. I'm just like every once in a while, something strikes me and I can just be like a ridiculous person. I like that. I don't write them all. It's I'll do like one a quarter. And that one time we had like a workshopping thing. We all came up with it together and Greece, I think. Okay. Well, let's thank our partners and then we will get into it with Kelly. I am telling you guys about Blissy. How good is my hair? Look, I can't believe how it looks. It's crazy. I really, I really did. You guys, I really figured out my hair and this is one of the main things I promise you is the silk pillowcases. So I was noticing so much breakage and I could literally see it in the. Morning I was waking up and my hair just looked frizzy and I was sleeping on good bedding, but not silk. And so this was a journey I started at the earlier, at the beginning of the year and switched to silk pillowcases. And it's such a difference. I wake up, my hair looks like it did when I went to sleep. It's not breaking. And it also was great for your skin too. So I mean better hair and days, truly it reduces frizz breakage and preserve styles and color and also healthier skin. So it can reduce those fine lines and wrinkles and sleep creases. 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And so anything like that, whatever you have going on late nights, long weekends, spontaneous plans, AG1 can help keep this one thing consistent, which is that high quality nutritional support every single day, no matter where you start your morning. So we love this. We have been talking about it for years. And again, you're just going to do that one scoop ice cold water, shake it up or stir it. And just a great way to start the day. So AG1 has over 50,000 verified five star reviews and comes with a 90 day money back guarantee. Visit drinkag1.com/gge to get a free AG1 flavor sampler and a bottle of vitamin D3 plus K2 in your AG1 welcome kit when you first subscribe. That's a $72 value. That's drinkag1.com/gge, drinkag1.com/gge. OK, let's get into it. All right, guys, we are very excited to welcome our guest today. She is best known for her award winning lifestyle and travel media brand Eat Travel Rock. And she is the host of the podcast Comfort Food. Please welcome to the show Kelly Rizzo. Oh, thank you so much for having me. This is so exciting. I was just giddy the whole drive here. We're so glad to have you. We met last week at a dinner. Our little meet cute was that our chairs were back to back and there was a photographer that was just. like flash bombing the end. entire group and we were looking each other we're like is that normal like that's not okay like we were blinded by this person blinded like I feel like I was getting brain damage and I was just like who in the room can I talk shit with and I just upon meeting you I was just like so how about that flash right but you said the thing that I had been thinking for the past hour and all I wanted to do was to commiserate with somebody because it was so egregious sometimes you say to the wrong person and they tell you to just like relax or like it's not a big deal and you're like I'm on an island here like with the hate in my heart and I need to give it to somebody or they didn't even flag it like are we not built the same are you not realizing what's happening in the room I just immediately felt a safe place with you to talk shit about this flash that was just so awful so now we're here we are so now here we are a week later Ashley was really excited to tell me that she met you and pitch pitch the episode idea and yeah she seemed very invigorated from this dinner well yeah you know it's going to be a heavier topic but we're going to keep it as light as we can I don't know I've always yeah tell us because I'm four and a half years out now from my grief experience you know I've even soon after I tried to talk about it in a lighter way because it's heavy enough it's heavy it's heavy enough there's enough sad I mean there you can follow if you want to the sad stuff I'll like a grief therapist or you know somebody who's really in that world to get the sad stuff but I was like I can't like I was married to a comedian who experienced enough grief in his life that he taught me that it's okay to laugh at everything I love that so you were married to Bob Saget America's father yes I grew up with him he like yeah and when I know past I mean you realized just how beloved he was what a gift what a true blessing that still still to this day I mean he had it when he was alive like anywhere we'd go if we were walking through an airport or walking down the street he would have people come up to him I'm not joking and just start crying and be like you don't understand you raised me or I didn't have a dad and you were like my dad or like my real father abandoned me and you were there for me like and these people would just cry and be like oh my god I'm so sorry I'm so sorry I'm so sorry I'm so sorry I'm so sorry and he would cry and get emotional and he would be like oh thank you and I'd be like isn't that amazing he's like well yeah I've been getting it for 40 years you know and I'm like but they were crying and I would get emotional and he was just so he was always still so touched by it but he was kind of used to it after a while like it was normal to him but when I came along I'm like that's so incredible and then now that's kind of trickled down to me a little bit like now I get all these stories you know people come up to me and be like you don't understand what he did for me or how wonderful he was and I'm like oh my god I'm so sorry I'm so sorry I'm so sorry I'm so and you know I still get people send me pictures of them with him from 30 years ago and it's so special a lot of people they become really well known for one thing and then they are out of it and did he still appreciate all of the full house like he went through a phase where he didn't I understand okay he was so known for family television with like full house and America's Funniest Home Videos I never knew that he was a comedian growing up and I remember seeing him on Entourage and it was like I was like oh my god I'm so sorry I'm so sorry I'm so sorry I'm so sorry it was the character was so dirty I mean he was like you're like sleeping with the prostitutes next door right I was like this is so funny like yeah like dad he's naughty right and like his real life persona was somewhere in between Entourage and Danny Tanner it was like exactly halfway in the middle because he wore you know the black robes with the cigar by the pool like he did in Entourage like that's really that's real okay but at the same time you know he was sweet and to hug everybody and was a neat freak and you know he was he was he was both okay but because he had done so much family television like he was doing i forgot about america's funniest videos and full house at the same time totally yes so he was working like 18 hour days he would be on set at full house all day and then go straight to america's funniest home videos and write the show do the voices and record the live show yeah so he was like that was his whole life but he was a comedian stand i mean stand up way before right right since the 70s like since he was 17 when he started so he had been doing that and he would you know he had his blue like irreverent kind of toilet humor type of comedy and then he does all this family television and in his mind he's like they're not letting me be funny and yeah i'm like but you were so funny like he was so good yeah as danny tanner like it was so funny and that cast together the the chemistry they had that's why the show's still around that's why people are still watching because it's still that good but in his mind he's like it's not the funny i want to be yeah it was a different type of funny i just i didn't know like i it was so wholesome i was like what do you mean he's a comedian i did not grow up knowing that and then when you find out what his comedy was right it's like what that was so cool to me that you could like be in both lanes yeah but it makes so much sense that he was in between right you know and we have hung out with larry david on a few occasions and we're like he is that person he's that yeah our friend has married him where it's just like he's just an exaggerated version of himself on curb and a friend is a director who's working on bridgerton he was like most actors are a version of who they are in real life so if an actor is always playing an asshole chances are yeah that is like who they are like people don't stray too far yeah so then he did a full 180 and after all that family television he's like i want people to see me for the comedy i want to put out there so then that's when he went like if you see his hbo special from i think like early 2000s i think it was called like that ain't right i mean the jokes were dirty he's like i'm showing people who i really am yeah you know then he kind of found a happy medium like down the road and then really the last few years is when he really started to appreciate the full house stuff he was really shying away from it and then i think it was in covid because he started he started on tiktok and he started doing like little danny tanner bits and full house bits and he was like vacuuming the inside of our fridge and things like that and he was like all right i kind of like it i shouldn't i shouldn't push it away i should embrace it but maybe he felt like the world has already seen him in another light it's fine to go back now you know he's like people love it like why am i why am i pushing it away like why don't i embrace it this is what people love and i want to make ultimately i just want to make people love it and i want to make people love it happy and entertain them so this is what the people want this is what i'll give them you know and the people that appreciate his stand-up and the dirtier stuff the specials are there and they that's for that audience as well we've spanned both types of audiences so if you're seven years old and want to watch full house or if you want to watch the aristocrats like yeah no matter which way you go wait can i tell you a full house thing that happened to me like two years ago yeah i was on this podcast and i was like flirting with this guy he was like we're just flirting with each other and he was like you know you remind me of him and i was like oh my god he's like oh my god and i was like oh and he was like the neighbor from full house gia and i was like kimmy gibler kimmy gibler and he was like is that bad and i was like it feels bad no and i like and then i looked it up and i was like i do kind of see it looks wise well do kind of what it's worth andrea barber who plays kimmy gibler is a gem of a human being and she is just such a doll and i love her and you know what kimmy gibler was a great character it was a great character i think she was supposed to be kind of annoying she just like blew into the house and she was supposed to drive the adults nuts especially but i love that she did such she did a great job i said gia initially which gia was the bad friend oh but i love you i know yeah like who's actress i mean marla sokoloff yes so like i just she's the one that sticks out to me because i was also like kind of she was so cool she's smoking in the bathroom oh my god she was so cool she was kimmy gibler was not cool i wanted to be gia i think she was though kimmy gibler was not supposed to be cool i think she was steve urkel but she was like she wasn't steve urkel no she wasn't fully blew into the house it was just kind of like annoying with the no she was quirky and eccentric yeah i'm gonna go watch an episode nerdy right okay so the short story bob saw you and raya and was like i'm too famous to to use dry up i'm gonna circumvent this use it the normal way and find her yeah on instagram got someone else to give you a heads up he was sliding in yeah and that's how you guys got together yeah he's he slid into the old dms and i got this message like bob saget's gonna message you on instagram i was like it's weird that you get a heads up for that but okay so like from a friend do you mean yeah from a friend she i think she called me on the phone like an old-fashioned phone heads up i was like hey bob's coming he right and so i was like i wonder if it already happened so i checked my dms and i've never told anyone this story but i was actually sitting in my ex-husband's restaurant that he owned at the time so i'm in my ex-husband's restaurant and he's actually because he's a restaurant owner he just happened to be sitting at my booth with me and my friends just saying hi like we're friends yeah and i remember he was sitting there and i get i was like guys bob saget just messaged me and i remember my ex was like what that's weird he's like i gotta go so he like got up and left but my girlfriends were like what what and i remember i was like oh that's so weird like i don't even know what to say to him but it was exactly 10 years ago like this month okay how much older than you 20 23 years or have you had you dated men that were that much older than you okay so that was like a huge age range for you i mean i think maybe it was like A couple years older? Uh-huh. Certainly not 23. Okay, so you hadn't at all. And had you dated anyone famous? I mean, in entertainment? I mean, I wouldn't say, like, seriously dated. You know, like, dates, yes, but not seriously. But not in a relationship. Right, yeah, never a relationship necessarily. And did you want to get married again after being married? I was open to it, but I wasn't. And at the time, I wasn't completely sure if I wanted kids. I wanted the option. Okay, yeah. But I knew I didn't want to, but I was like, well, it's what you're supposed to do, right? You're supposed to have kids, so I want the option. And then I was just really caught off guard, because I was like, what do I do with this Bob Saget situation? Just, hey, it's Bob? Oh, I literally, I posted this on my Instagram a few days ago, because it was the 10-year anniversary of this post. And he said, like, hey, Kelly, would love to invite you to a show and take you out for some burgers and lobsters, because he saw I was, like, a foodie. And he was like, if that's not too forward, best, Bob Saget. Best, Bob Saget. He signed his Instagram. Instagram message, Bob Saget, like all of our dads do. Best, Bob Saget. My dad's like, love, Dad. I just, I'm riveted by, I was hanging on every word of what did the DM say. I love this. Would love to invite, would love to invite you to, I think he said, if it's not too forward, twice. I think he said that in the same message. He's nervous. Right, and then I was just like, hey, Bob. Great to hear from you. Would love to check out a show if you're ever in Chicago. And ha-ha, love me some burgers and lobsters. Isn't it so funny to look back at those first messages and think, like, Great. I married him. Right, and then he said, like, wow, Kelly, thanks for responding. Quite flattered. No. Or like, flattered you responded so quickly. Oh, he insulted you. And then part of me was like, did I? I was like, Kelly, you are so thirsty. I know. Do less, Kelly. Love, Bob Saget. Do less. So did it happen quickly? Like, so, you know, I was living in Chicago, and he was obviously in L.A., but a few weeks later, I was going to L.A. for some meetings, and so he's like, can I help? Set you up on some meetings? And I was like, I've heard these stories of a older Hollywood person trying to help me out. Like, no, thank you. I'm not looking for that. And that sounds like I know you have a one-track mind, and I'm not interested in that. And he's like, no, no, no. I promise. I just, I think you're talented. I want to help you. Right. But, you know, I didn't know. And I was like, I don't know what to do. And he's like, I promise. I think you're talented. I just want to help you. I just want to help you out. And I was like, okay, fine. So he set me up on a couple meetings, and then he's like, can I take you out to dinner when you're here? I was like, I knew it. Like, that's, like, there was something. Yeah. You had an ulterior motive. He's like, well, obviously. I found you on the internet. I'm trying to sleep with you. I was like, you can come to dinner with me and my manager and her assistant. And so he came out to dinner with the three of us. Two chaperones. Four nights in a row. Yeah. And then. I was like, is this fucking serious? Two chaperones, four nights in a row? I had a babysitter date four nights in a row. When did he finally get you alone? So what happened was by, like, date three, group date three, I think one night we had our first kiss. I've literally never told anybody this before. We had our first kiss, I think, maybe date one or two. But I was still kind of like, is this? Like, this is weird. I can't have a crush on Bob Sackett. That's weird. You know? Like. I mean. I mean, was the age in your mind? Like, the age was in my mind. It was still like. How old were you at the time? 37. 37? Yeah. I still felt like this is too removed for me. Like, I'm a Chicago gal. Like, this is this guy who I've known. I used to watch when I was 10 years old at my grandma's house, like, on Sundays, watching America's Funniest Home Videos. Totally. It was too weird. Right. But he was so unbelievably awesome and just chill and fun and cool. He was so quirky and neurotic and just all the things that you'd want him to be. And I was like, I can't not give it a chance. Like, he's too wonderful. And he really is nice. Like, he really likes me. He's really clearly, like, pursuing this if he's coming out to dinner with, like, a chaperoned date three times in a row. And finally, by the last night, he was like, look. I was like, oh, are you coming out to dinner tonight with us? And it's my friend's birthday. And so, want to come to my friend's birthday dinner? And he's like, you know. I've got to be honest. Put it on his list, Kelly. Right. He's like, I like you. And I just don't feel like you're attracted to me or that you like me in that way. OK. He laid it out. And so, I'm just, you know, if it's OK, I think I'm just going to pass on dinner. Because, you know, I kind of like you in this way. It just doesn't seem like it's reciprocated. Yeah. And then it just hit me. I was like. I do like him. And I go, well, what if I am attracted to you? What if I do like you in that way? He goes, what time is dinner? And then he came out again. Yeah. And then after that. It was on. It was just on, yeah. And then I went back to Chicago. And then we met up again a month later in Vegas for our first official date. Love that. Our first solo date. OK. Without others. And then, yeah. And then he moved out here. And then, yeah, 10 months later, moved out here. Got engaged nine months after that. And then married a year after that. Wow. Yeah, it was crazy. I mean, obviously, we're going to talk about the last funny parts of the relationship and his sudden passing. We've done a little bit of episodes about this with pet loss and parent loss, but never partner loss and sudden partner loss. And you were so young. You're not supposed to lose a partner at that age. No one's supposed to lose a partner. But, you know, he wasn't elderly. And we asked our audience and people just had so many questions about grief and how they wanted to be supported and how can I support other people and like, what's OK to say? When am I allowed to move on? And what about when everybody else moves on? But I haven't moved on. And so I don't know where you want to start, but. Well, I like. I like what you just said about like supposed to and I'm supposed to move on or when everyone else says you're supposed to do this or not supposed to do this. And you really just learn that there are no rules. Yeah. And there's no you're not supposed to do anything. You know, I mean, there's some basic societal like, OK, maybe don't start dating somebody else a week later. You know, like like there's some things that are kind of universal where most people who are at least in a true. True loving relationship that would not even be an option for them for sure. But for the most part, you know, widows do get so much hate or grief for, let's say, moving forward. I don't even like to say moving on, moving forward. Yeah. And whereas, let's say, widowers don't. Right. It is kind of a double standard. Yeah. Unfortunately. And, you know, I didn't know any young widows before. I didn't. I was not in this world. I was not in my zeitgeist. I had nothing on my radar for it. So, like, I didn't know what was appropriate or what wasn't appropriate. All I knew about widows was like what my Sicilian grandmother would have been like wearing black for 500 years and like little old ladies walking the streets of Sicily. Like, that's what I pictured, you know. Yeah. And especially when you're young and especially in today's world, it's just a totally different world. And to just know that however you are processing it and however you need to go about your life to feel safe and to feel OK as best as you can, because you're not going to feel OK for a while, but however you can get there and whatever makes sense for you is fine. Like, if you don't want to date ever again, that's fine. Yeah. And some people have this. My spouse is dead and that's it for me. I mean, I think of my best friend's mom. Their dad died really young and she never dated again. And she focused on her children and she lives with them now. And, you know, my brother's wife, their dad died young. And again, the mom raised all the kids. And I mean, 10, 20 years later, now she's engaged again to a widower as well. They were from the same hometown. And now it's just like a beautiful story. They found each other. And I mean, you also see people move on, move forward. Yeah. Shortly there. I mean, and there's no wrong or right. I'm I'm curious about your just grief timeline or journey. I mean, again, this was we don't need you to replay the aftermath. This was sudden. It wasn't it was unexpected. And so how was that next year, even year or two? Yeah. So for me, the first year was awful. Yeah. It's such an absolute change of everything in your life, like everything. I mean, and your life goes like from this to this. It's just turned upside down completely. And it's just so disorienting, especially, you know, well, in my situation where, you know, Bob was he was such a caretaker, like he handled so much stuff. And I mean, he called himself Batman. Like he's like, I handle my shit. I take care of everybody. I am the guy. I'm like the book stops here, you know, and he like to have him gone. And especially in such a way where I'm like, you know, he was this. Six foot four big, like larger than life guy and that he just like falls and hits his head and then just never comes home again. Like it was so weird and so strange that it just didn't compute. It like didn't make sense. I mean, it was a big thing for me. I was saying like, it doesn't compute. Like, how could he who like he called himself Batman, like he was so strong. Like you're also dealing with that. I can't even explain. I didn't have time to like warn this while he was alive. Even understand it. Right. we just assumed it was like a heart attack or something right well then we find out like he hit his head and I want to rewind to something you said a minute ago I was like you when you think about like this identity of being a widow now you do think of like grandmas and yeah you're like I'm not supposed to be in this camp of people yeah that this isn't supposed to be in my 30s or in your 40s so I was 42 when he passed it's a lot to negotiate with and to not have as much community around you it reminds me of like girlfriends we got breast cancer really young that they're just like this isn't supposed to be me yeah right yeah I I remember like even that day that I found out people started trickling into my house and it ended up speaking a full house it ended up being like pretty much just the whole full house cast was at my house and I remember like looking at Candace because she was the first person who showed up and just saying to her because I mean I was in a daze like I didn't even know what was going on and which end was up but I remember saying to her I was like you're not supposed to be in this camp of people you're not supposed to be in this camp of people I don't have a husband anymore like so I'm like a widow like what like I don't like but I'm young like I like he was just here like it just didn't make sense you know and it was just so strange and it took a while to process the whole like wait so all of his stuff he's just not coming back to it anymore like it was just weird yeah getting back even to the timeline is you count things by at first it's hours literally and then all of a sudden it's like days and you're like I can't believe it's been three days I can't believe it's been four days and then it's I can't believe it's been two weeks I can't believe it's been three weeks and then you get to like I can't believe it's been a month and then I was like okay maybe at three months I'll start to feel like a little better and then at six months I'll feel a little better and then I just I just heard another podcast where somebody was like you never feel better I was like well looking back at the time I was like I didn't see how it was possible to feel better like a light at the end of the tunnel right how could that exist I was like this is awful yeah but then all of a sudden you look back and like three months in you're like oh I'm doing a little better now than I was then and six months and you're like I'm better now than I was at three months and then you know you get to a place where you can look back and see how far you've come and strangely my best friend just lost her husband suddenly and she's six months in now and she will you know be in a place where she's like this is awful like I can't believe it's been so long I can't believe it's been so long I can't believe it's like does it ever get better I'm like do you know how far you've come in the last six months do you remember what that was like six months ago and like it's so hard when you're in it to see the progress yeah and to see the potential for the light at the end of the tunnel I mean I don't know how you could ever see the light you know you're just in it like I'm I'm curious like when this first happened were people like okay go to therapy or okay start journaling and were you like I'm not ready to like do the healthy things I need to marinate in this like do you remember like what you felt like I did I will say I was kind of proud of the fact that I didn't start sinking into any and once again this is so I I am in so such a no judgment zone like if somebody does do that of course by all means yeah but I did not ever sink into like alcohol and drugs and you know I need to numb myself I was really like I want to feel everything like because I don't want to be the person who pushes it away and then years later like then something happens and I'm like oh my god I don't want to be the person who pushes it away and then something happens where it like explodes in your face and you're like I should have dealt with that yeah so I like I was in it and I did not want to not be in it because me being in it made me feel closer to Bob yeah yeah and me feeling closer to him made me feel better because I was sad to think of moving on to where I didn't feel connected to him even today four and a half years in like I enjoy getting sad and crying about it because it makes me feel connected to him it's like spending time with him yeah what helped you the most in the darkest times was it the people around you friends family and you said therapy like I never went to therapy because I had and I know once again most people are gonna be like come on that's not a substitute for therapy but I want my middle sister Kristen is a thousand times better than any therapist could be for me sure knows me better and really what to say and knew what to do and knew like she slept in my bed with me for over a month right after like she was there every minute of every day and if it was not for her if it was not for Bob's daughters if it was not for some of Bob's best friends I mean I definitely would have not gotten through it but I felt so supported and so held and I think the ultimate thing and the really the recipe for making sure that you can get through it is just to feel like you're around people who just get you and support you that's the thing I say to anyone now who loses somebody instead of like oh you know sending sending hugs and you know sending thoughts and prayer like I say I just pray that you are surrounded by people who you feel that you're surrounded by all the love and support that you need right now I just said that to a friend so a friend of mine in Atlanta lost her husband suddenly and like their story is it's I don't need to tell it today it's like they were each other's person just long road for them to finally kind of get married and I'm not that close with her anymore anymore I wasn't that close we were friends in Atlanta but I wasn't so close to her and I just messaged her a couple times and she was like I don't want to live in a world that he where he's not here and that's all I could say was I hope I know her mom I know her sister I do know her other friends like in the same group and that's all I could say was like I just I know you're being like loved and taken care of just from what I know of her friends and family that's like the only thing I could think of because that is what gets you through yeah it's like the only thing like it almost like metaphorically like fills the wounds like the love the support you know yeah so when my best friend just lost her husband I remembered how important it was for me in the immediate aftermath of losing Bob was like to have all of his friends over and our family you know anyone who was close to him and by the way I felt much more comforted being around people who loved Bob and who Bob loved even if I didn't know them very well than my best friends of 35 years okay just people that you had the connection like you're spending time with him right they needed to be connected to him yes for me to feel comforted okay anyway I just remember having like a home base our house where everyone was gathering that first week was so unbelievably helpful and so when my friend's husband just passed I remember like she lives in a small one-bedroom apartment she had nowhere for like a house to live in and she was like I don't know I don't know I don't know like people to go and so I like gave my house I was like here like this is your home base yeah because I knew how important it was for her to be able to have all those people surrounding her and so you know little things like that can be really helpful to people is like make sure they have if you're really close with them I mean obviously if it's of course don't don't give a stranger your house yeah I'm curious about the moment I think this is the overwhelming response from people was like what about the moment when people sort of stop checking in you know everybody surrounds you for I don't know how long it was for you hopefully a long time but you know a month or two goes by and people stop asking and you're like I'm still riding these waves I'm still experiencing it yeah and like what was like that piece like that's a really good question because that's something that people have a big problem with you know so many people have reached out to me online saying you know like maybe they didn't have a big family you know their husband wasn't beloved by the entire country you know where they're not getting a million people DMing them every day and maybe they had you know they had a small circle and they've so many people have said it's sad like the the well wishes have stopped and people stopped checking in and I didn't have that as much because I had such a tight circle and if I didn't feel like people were checking in it almost didn't matter because I had my sisters and right like who I would just harass like all day like if I was feeling sad it's like they're gonna have to deal with me you know right yeah glad you had that so I didn't feel as much and plus I was constantly having people still send me messages about how much they love Bob so that was always very comforting but it is truly a thing and that unfortunately is also kind of part of it is that for most people who it's didn't affect their daily life like life does go on and people move on and that's why as long as you still have like a tight-knit community of people who are always thinking about your person um it's so helpful and you know mention the person even if it's a year later like don't feel bad bringing up their name and saying like hey I was thinking about so-and-so today yeah your husband like I was thinking about him today and you know I just checking into seeing you know see how you're doing and that goes so far because it's not necessarily that people feel like they forgot about you they don't want you to forget about their person uh-huh you know they want to feel like their person's not forgotten that the person lives on yeah and so they feel so sad if people if they feel like people forgot about him yeah and they're I understand and validate the anger that you must feel when people are like everybody else's life has gone on yeah people get to you know walk their dogs and enjoy their day and go on dates and I don't get to do that with my partner and everyone else's life has sort of moved on and that's probably really hard to reconcile things online and you know someone got married or someone got engaged and everyone's happy with their husband and I'm like I don't have a husband and you there is a little jealousy that can creep in sometimes times and then I got to this really weird place maybe like six months in where I'm like no I still have my husband the love didn't go anywhere he still loves me like the love is still there so he's kind of like my ghost husband and so like I went through maybe a one or two month period where I was like no I still I still have him you know like I would talk to him and you know feel like he was still supporting me and loving me and then it got to a point was like okay that's enough with the ghost husband I don't want to sound too creepy for too long you know at some point that's uh you know whatever gets you through the day people talk to their loved ones yeah lost like for sure I want to say I mean we talk about just in life the importance of building friendships in the community around you not everybody has a sister or even a sibling or not everyone has great relationships with their with their family and I feel for anyone who doesn't but you can always build those friendships and your chosen family and you can always build those friendships and your chosen family and you know don't build the community just in case you lose your spouse but like then for when you go through any hard times that is why we have these people you know like Raina's not my sister but like if something like this happened I would never have her sleep in the bed but she would do it and she would do it for a year like I have the people and in addition to my family that would be there as long as I needed yeah them and whatever capacity and so we will all go through these hard times and I hope nobody listening ever loses their part but if you are living a life where your partner is is your every your one and only person in your life it's going to be a lot harder if something were to happen because the community's not there like it's like that's what got you through you know what I bet is going to happen now because as I said I didn't really know any widows especially young widows until I became one and then you know how it's like oh I hadn't thought about a red car today I thought about a red car now you see a million red cars right when I became a widow now all of a sudden they're coming out of the woodwork like they're everywhere and like I know so many and I've become such good friends with so many and now I hear all these stories from people and I bet you got some questions from people but now I once we put this out there you're gonna have so many people be like actually and it might not even be a widow it's like I lost my high school sweetheart when we were in high school he was 18 and killed in a car accident you know like that happens too and where people still have to go through the loss of their future partner and their partner and it's so much more common than we think and so much more common than I knew until I know I mean we have a friend and her her best friend her husband died when we were in Greece 2022 yeah and we were all there together we were all getting ready to fly out and she got the call that he had passed like her best friend the love of her life and her husband passed she flew to Singapore and I just never shook that like I we didn't know her personally the first time I saw her friend but I just knowing about their relationship and you know our friend that was like there was always the four of them and they couldn't believe it either that was like they lost their best friend too and I just saw her and in Singapore on my honeymoon a couple months ago with her new partner and it took her a long time to obviously get there we're talking like four years and went to drinks with her and the new person she's dating he was so wonderful and like I remembered like well that's 2022 that's my yeah we were there the moment we heard your husband died you know and she's gotten through it and yeah that's how we got to where we are now has found on the other side yeah I want to ask you because you know people are people asked us a lot like what's helpful what's not helpful and you said you kept a journal and you have a grief journal and you very kindly let's preface with I am not a good journal person and my grief journal has like three pages written in it so the story here is I apparently wrote in this a few weeks after Bob passed and I had zero recollection of this and the other day I was cleaning out a drawer and I saw this and I was like oh because it says it's called the grief journal and I was like oh I should write in and then I go through I was like I wrote in this I did not remember I wrote in it and now I'm so grateful and once again there's like six pages written in it but I'm so grateful even for every little letter that I put in here because it is really helpful and so I did have a page that I I did a solo episode of my podcast today about this I don't normally carry this around to my that would be insane I thought you brought it for us guys here's my grief journal from four and a half years ago so okay February 5th 2022 okay not to say not to say not say I'm so sorry I mean that's pretty innocuous okay but apparently that was triggering at the time right yeah these are things that were kind of triggering did it just feel like those words just weren't big enough to to like qualify what you were going through a big thing for me was I hated feeling pity okay I didn't like feeling pitied and some people want that some people want all the pity it's like the same you know if you are going to the hospital and you post Facebook that you're at the hospital like that type of thing yeah the sympathy trap yeah right but for some reason I I never realized that I would be so adverse and so triggered by feeling pity oh interesting okay so my next one is my heart breaks for you okay I hated that okay because it felt like oh I'm so sorry I'm oh you poor thing my heart breaks for you like okay it just felt very pitied and I like I don't want people to be I kind of wanted people to be sad with me but not for me sure if that made sense okay how are you never asked so here's the thing here's here's why how are you bitch here's why that was triggering because I felt that when people said how are you it gave me homework and my brain wasn't sure it felt like I was like how are you over text let me say that over the phone fine but over text because I felt like now I have to write an essay I'm with you I've tried it to do that like how in the throes of someone dealing with something right so I promise there's takeaways okay on this yeah so it's not like and don't ever ask anyone how are you bye and then also like when you're in it and you're like I feel so much rage and pain whatever you feel like nothing's wrong it's like I don't this is not helping me right now I think it's because when you're in early grief you have so much administrative work to do as well like I fortunately didn't have to take care of any funeral stuff that was handled for me thank god because I would not have been able but you know there's so much crap you have to do and then when somebody texts you how are you I can't just ignore it I don't want to not get back to them so I'm like well I have to come up with something I don't know what to do so I was trying to give thoughtful responses to each person because I'm a people pleaser and I felt like it was homework to get that question in a text sometimes just when I'm really just drained it's sending the first test is exhausting to me because I'm like this will be at another text and more conversation and it's well-intentioned but still also like I don't know I don't know the answer right I don't know I don't know like I think it's a better to be like I'm thinking about you I'm here if you need to talk so and and then thinking of you I don't know oh no oh and sending love and hugs which is funny because I I say these things to people now we all say these things I think people are like oh should I just said that no and and you can't be blamed for saying something nice to somebody who's like because you don't know how you're going to take it and you don't know how that person's taking it there are so many of these that I've had people say to me like oh I liked when people asked me that I I liked when people said how are you because people stopped asking so I like when people say that okay yeah exactly this is very this was my specific thing however you know I have had other people be like oh I know I hated that but so do say okay want to talk like hey do you want to talk okay like versus just saying how are you or what did you do today to me that was so much more helpful or like when can I come see you or was today better was today worse like asking something specific okay was so helpful to me you know what did you do today how was your day today okay because then I'm like oh I went to the dry cleaners and then I tried to go on a walk you know versus how are you feeling or how are you just felt like right like I had to come up with an essay on my emotions and every day was different I was like I'm too tired to go you know but if it's like oh what did you do today and then it shows that they're thinking of you and they're asking you something specific like that so to me that was really helpful so this is what I wrote four and a you're just in the throes of pain and grief and every day is a different feeling who knows what's going on yeah and once again I'm guilty of doing all these things before and since going through it myself so I never want anyone to feel bad for doing it but just it's more about understanding maybe why some of these things might be totally and the pity thing makes sense I mean I you've like explained why they've triggered you in some way and I think this stuff weighs on me so heavily like even just for talking to my friend last week like the words and the way that I'm every word I'm like I don't want to say the wrong thing and I always go back and forth with I can't imagine what you're going through because I can't understand I can't understand losing your partner I can't somebody's saying like I can't imagine you're going through they mean to validate like I know this is bigger than something I felt you know rabbi Steve Leder do you guys know him he's a big like meteor rabbi but he's wonderful he was Bob he was the rabbi at Bob's funeral but he is just a genius he's written a lot of books about grief okay and he said a tiny little thoughtful about grief okay and he said a tiny little thoughtful about grief okay and he said a tiny little thoughtful but like i can only imagine i can only yeah i can only imagine yeah i like that because like if she said to me my friend said i don't want to live in a world without him like i could say i understand but what i mean is i understand how you feel that way because i can't imagine my life without my husband like no i don't understand what it's like these things literally i will yeah before i said to text but what's worse than sending that wrong text wrong text is not sending a text and another thing that's really helpful that i experienced and i know is happening because i'm experiencing with my best friend now is after losing bob especially in like the first several months six months you know when i would have just bouts of hysterical crying like every single night nights were worse for me usually it's mornings are worse for a lot of people oh really but the nights were way worse for me like when i'd get in bed at night that's when i would just uncontrollably sob and i think leave my sister was there a lot of the time but it got to the point when my sister wasn't living with me anymore and i would call her because i was like i just want somebody to hear me cry and she would try to like fix it at first and she'd be like well you know maybe you should think about this or you know think about like yeah but let's think about it this way and i was like no no i don't want you to say anything i don't want you to do any like you can't fix it just listen to me cry and like my other sister she didn't really get that it took a while for her to to get that and i was like i know your instinct is to try to yes give advice or be helpful i was like but there is nothing that can help i just want somebody to listen to crime right like not even listen to me just listen to me cry were there people that were like but at least you're young but at least you have money or you have community i don't know yeah and like was there people that were like you know i think the absolute wrong thing yeah i think people are sort of wanting to compare grief like yeah but at least you know you're so young you could find someone else but that's not everybody's story like did you did people want to kind of come out and say well you know i don't want people want to kind of comfort you with those things and you're like this isn't that helpful right now i think like i also wasn't as sensitive it's so funny i was so sensitive to the most innocuous things like how are you but when somebody would say like everything happens for a reason or most people hate that stuff that's gonna chill down my spine right that did not bother you it didn't bother you certain things like that didn't bother me as much or like you'll find somebody else when i was like well i i hope so one day you know like i wasn't like don't even talk about that right now or some people okay you can't even mention it yeah right yeah but real quick back to the crying thing just because i think this might be really helpful to some people is so now with my best friend who's going through it she knows that if she comes over to my house or if she calls me and she just wants to cry like i'm not i'm not weird about it i'm not like oh let me let me soothe you or let me like say something helpful i'm just like yeah sucks yeah this sucks cry crying just cry and she'll call me sometimes she's like i just need to cry i'm like okay and one question we had for you which we wanted to ask is is there any time when outreach is unwanted because you're like doing good and you didn't really want to think about it like we were curious about this like because checking in it's like we were talking about our friend who's going through something right now and we were like we don't want to bring it up if she's having a good day right you know right and that is so perfect that you brought that up and it's so true because i never really had i mean for months and months i never had a good day but i would have good hours right and there would be some times and but see god like they meant well of course everyone means so well and that's why no one should ever feel bad if they oh i said the wrong thing i upset them in some way because anyone grieving is just a raw exposed nerve and they're so sensitive that you can't be expected like okay today i i drank a sip of water in front of her and it freaked her out like i you can't be expected to know everything that's going to trigger that person each day because they don't even know yeah right and as you were saying there were some times that i was having like a good hour and i'm focused on something else maybe i'm distracted and i'm not thinking about yeah you know the first let's say several months there wasn't an hour really that went by but maybe i'm having a good 10 minutes i'm having 10 minutes where i'm not crying and thinking about bob in that moment or like i'm distracted doing something and cleaning my closet whatever it is and then somebody texts me and goes oh i just i'm i'm just so sad for you and are you feeling whatever it is but it was something that would kind of bring me down and then make me and i'm like oh like i would like i just i had 10 minutes i was doing well but it's like they can't be blamed right they're well intentioned too you know maybe there's a language tweak there i don't know just like thinking about you here if you want to talk it still reminds you of it but like i think it it at some point and once again like let's not give the grieving person work but maybe something i could have done if i'm like hey i'm i'm having a good moment right now i'm gonna put my phone on do not disturb so that way i'm not seeing those messages okay sure in that point you know or during that during that time or you know it's like it's okay as i said the people pleaser in me wanted to get back to everyone right away and needed to respond to everybody all the time but you don't have to okay totally you don't have to and another thing that's really helpful that i've learned from people and now i do is i'll send somebody a message and i'll say don't respond to this like it's the first thing i say all the time yeah i don't want people to feel like i've given them homework it's just you know just know that i'm around don't do not respond to this i love you i'm thinking of you yeah whatever the message is and like please don't respond to this and then it just takes the pressure off them they're like and then a lot of times they do anyway and they want to but it's appreciative okay i want to ask you about the timeline because i think that like grief is not linear you know it's not like i should be here at this point and i think a lot of people echo the sentiment that like there's not like a day where the grief ends it just sort of changes shape but in terms of like it's not like i should be here at this point and i think a lot of people echo the sentiment that like there's not like a day where the grief ends it just sort of changes shape it's not like a day where the grief ends it just sort of changes shape but in terms of moving on but in terms of moving on but in terms of moving on was there pressure that was like people were was there pressure that was like people were was there pressure that was like people were like kelly it's been three months it's been like kelly it's been three months it's been like kelly it's been three months it's been six months it's time to hit these milestones six months it's time to hit these milestones six months it's time to hit these milestones of feeling better or was that not your of feeling better or was that not your of feeling better or was that not your experience like what was the experience experience like what was the experience experience like what was the experience yeah i had i think i was doing pretty yeah i had i think i was doing pretty yeah i had i think i was doing pretty well in terms of like i had to move out well in terms of like i had to move out well in terms of like i had to move out of our house after of our house after of our house after three months and so that was a big three months and so that was a big three months and so that was a big undertaking and it was really really hard undertaking and it was really really hard undertaking and it was really really hard but i got through it and i did and i was but i got through it and i did and i was but i got through it and i did and i was like really proud of myself that i did like really proud of myself that i did like really proud of myself that i did it you know so a lot of things like that it you know so a lot of things like that it you know so a lot of things like that there were certain milestones that i was that's kind of a cultural, I don't want to say what's like appropriate or not appropriate, but in a sense, anything before a year might be seen as a little too soon. And then after a year, it's a little bit more acceptable. And I know that, as I said, there are no rules. And of course, don't feel bad if you meet somebody in month 11. You know, some people might be judgmental, but know that like you're not doing anything wrong. But I knew that I wouldn't think about that for a year. And then I remember it was on the one year anniversary of Bob passing on January 9th, 2023. And I had, I'm sorry if this is name droppy, but at my house, I had Jeff Ross and John Mayer over and Bob's nephew, Adam. And the three of them, it's me on one side of the couch and the three of them sitting on the other couch. And then Jeff Ross goes, Kel, elephant in the room, we got to talk about it. When are you going to start dating again? And I was like, Jeff, like, I mean, I'm not really ready just yet. Yeah. And John's like, you know, whenever you're ready, he's like, but you know, it's like, it's okay. If you want to get back out there, like, it's okay. And, and Adam, of course, is probably like thinking of how Bob would think, like, if she ever moves on, how could she, how dare she? And I was like, well, I don't want to talk about this. I don't want to talk about this. I feel like weird. But, and then Jeff goes, all right, fine. But if we get to the two-year mark and you're not, then something's wrong. And like, we're going to have to talk again. I was like, okay. This is like the John Mulaney intervention story. It's just more famous people keep coming up. So then Tom Hanks walks in and I was like, you know, so anyway, I was like, okay, but it was good to know that here, two of his best friends, I had their blessing. Right. And then two months after that. So now 14 months later. Or so, you know, I started to feel a little lonely and then you start to feel, you know, after over a year of like not having a hug or a kiss or feeling lonely. I'm like, oh, I don't want to feel like this frumpy old widow. Like I, you know, I, you start to feel like, not like young and hot anymore. And I'm like, I want to feel alive again. Yeah. Desired all the things. Yeah. Yeah. You start to feel, I'm like, oh my God, like no one's looked at me. Cause then, cause you're off limits. No one's certainly going to, I mean, not that I was even putting that energy out there, but you start to feel kind of invisible and you start to feel like no, like not only are you, is no one looking at you in that way, but you're also like off limits because well, you're the widow. Right. Certainly nobody wants to be the one who is going to make a move and then have it be, you're not ready. Right. Yeah. You know, but I was starting to feel like a little lonely and a little sad and a little like, well, it might be nice to get a hug. Like I'm not ready to date date yet, but maybe hike or coffee. And I sat down with Bob's just that like I'm starting to yeah feel a little lonely and they're like Kelly like we want you to be happy and I said you know I just want I said they're like well you don't need our permission I go I know I don't need your permission but I want your blessing yeah yeah you know and they're like of course they're like our dad would want you to be happy I was like no you're like you know him at all I was like no he would not and then that's when I had to start distinguishing I've said this a million times but between like earthly Bob and heavenly Bob like earthly Bob be like I knew you never loved me how could you how dare you you know but then heavenly Bob would be like I understand the guilt though it's like you're still a person with needs and desires and wanting that permission from his daughters I mean I really validate like wanting that of course they want you to be happy but like yeah there's probably a lot of guilt that comes with it so much guilt so complicated still to this day and then 18 months after is when I met Brecken and Brecken and I it's been three years now we've been together oh it was the first person I dated okay oh my goodness that's surprising because you think there might need to be a rebound I went on like two simu dates you know like two kind of basic kind of a cocktail for about 45 minutes yeah yeah okay and they were fine they were nice it was nice to feel like to get dressed up and to go out and they were lovely experiences thank god that it wasn't something like turned me off to dating forever but there was no you know no follow-up okay but then I met Brecken and like from our first date I mean we didn't say this to each other because you you know weren't insane but we were like this is kind of it I was like I don't want to wow go out with anyone else and he was thinking the same thing even though it took us a while to process that and we really paced it and we took it very very slow I was actually just listening to a dating episode you guys did a couple episodes back and the expert you had on was saying how it so important to pace things right and that is something that I mean all at once yeah we really did that really well and there was no love bombing and it was just very very well paced which he knew I needed and you know I I know how lucky I got that like first one right out of the gate you know three years down the road but I still feel that guilt I'll say things to him like I'm so happy I love you so much you make me so like you know you say things and you know superlatives like it's the happiest I've ever been and then I'm like oh I've I've not experienced this personally but I can like feel what you're saying yeah yeah and then how was he like do you guys talk about Bob like what did non-stop all the time he is so cool with it well that was the reason why I think it's worked out is like he kind of knew he was getting into because clearly I was talking about Bob publicly all the time. Well that must be hard to feel like I'm competing against this thing yeah you know she doesn't want to be in this position. Right and he was just so confident and secure about it he loves talking about Bob he's always asked he'll be like oh so when you when you used to come here with Bob like what was his favorite dish to order you know like he was always asking about him and he just never made it weird and I mean because he and Bob had a respect for each other they they weren't good friends but they really liked each other. Okay they knew each other. Yeah. And that through Seth Green who was one of Bob's best friends but Seth and Brecken were best friends since they were 17. Okay and those were such a part of our childhood. Right I mean I swear to god that me with like the 90s people I did not intend for any of this it just randomly happened but Brecken was just so cool about it and it's not like he has expertise in dating widows like I was his first. Right yeah. And he was just from day one. He was just so fantastic about it never made me feel weird about talking about Bob like he's now gotten really close with Bob's daughters he's friendly with Bob's ex-wife like because Bob's ex-wife is one of you know she and I are so close and so he'll come to family events and she's there and she'll always be like where's Brecken you know it's it is very special and I know that it's maybe a little unique because not everyone has such a easy time even with the late husband's family or you know if there's step family. Right. Family involved especially but yeah I've been very very blessed to have such a nice transition into that world because not not everyone does and I think one thing that's so important though to look for is someone who just lets you still have you know your late spouse be a part of the conversation and if they make you feel weird about it like that's a major red flag. Yeah I mean I'm just I'm curious how you how somebody would want to be supported it sounds like he struck struck a balance between like. Just validating it and like I can understand that people would be intimidated by a deceased spouse that was like a larger this is where she was this is who she was going to be with and right you know and this thing happened how do I compare to this how do I fit into this narrative and it sounds like he just struck the right balance. Yeah and I think the important thing also is to know that both loves can coexist indefinitely forever because they're not going anywhere. It doesn't take away the other you know so like my love for Brecken doesn't negate my love for Bob they just exist at the same time and in the same space and like my love for Bob's never diminished but like that's what people think sometimes is that well if you have the new one then it kind of diminishes this one and it's like no they can both coexist forever and as long as you have somebody that kind of gives you that space that's what's really important. So I think that's a beautiful way to end it Kelly thank you so much this was so wonderful I'm so glad you came here and brought your journal and all of it truly like it shared so much with us in my purse but thank you so much I'm so happy that we randomly met like a week ago what a treat and then that you guys had me on such a absolute honor and pleasure well I think this will help a lot of people grateful for you so thank you and thanks for letting me talk about this topic that people think is not very fun. And it's hard but if you're just open and real about it it can make it a little easier. And then when you're open about it you also find your community I mean I think of like Heather McMahon who has lost her father and she just is always making jokes about the dead dad club you know and people are like me too and like talking about it in that type of way I feel like that's what Bob did yeah yeah you know and so it's like I kind of learned from him it's like he made light of it and it's okay to do that. But to you know you do you got to do to get through well tell everybody where they can find you listen to your podcast your Instagram whatever you want to plug podcast is comfort food the you know comfort food with Kelly Rizzo and just Instagram at Kelly Rizzo very easy okay great super easy well thank you for everything and I'm sure this is really going to help a lot of people thank you for your candor and you guys can find us girls got to eat.com girls got a podcast on Instagram and TikTok I am Ash Hess Raina is Raina Jack Greenberg Raina Greenberg.com for her tour. And you can watch full video on YouTube or Spotify subscribe share this episode with a friend and we will see you guys Thursday have a good week guys. you