146: Locked Out with Jake Johnson | Soder Podcast | EP 143

PunchUp.live, go check out our movie Watch Along. We did Made in Manhattan from a popular comedy festival. I don't know if I'm afraid if we say we might get in trouble. But we did it at a very popular comedy festival that was fun. And I got Tim Dillon, Joe DeRosa, and James McCann to watch Made in Manhattan with me. So if you go to punchUp.live, sign up, give them your email address. Not only will you be on my mailing list, which we don't spam, it's just when I'm in town. And you'll be able to watch this for free, for absolutely nothing. We had such a good time, pimped it a great job, editing it, put it up on punchUp, go check it out, punchUp.live. Hey, Spokane, Washington, August 20th through August 22nd. I'm gonna be at Spokane Comedy Club in Spokane, Washington. I'm excited to come back. I love it. I'm bringing the very funny Tom Thacar with me. And we're gonna have that hell of a time. And then, all the way in September, Empire Comedy Club, in Portland, Maine, tickets are almost sold out. But if you go to danceoder.com, all my live dates are posted. See which show I'm, you're the closest to, and come on out. And I'll see you there. I'll do today, even today when I was doing some work. She just sat next to me and was like, "No, it's never enough." I have a retired guide dog that we adopted. And how old were, she was three. Okay. She did it, got the assignment, passed all the tests. Got a woman up in Oregon and then I guess the woman got sick or was a little abusive and left her in a cage too much. So she got weird. So they brought her back to guide dogs, but they couldn't reprogram her. So that becomes available for adoption. Sure, 'cause they go, if we give this to a blind person, they're gonna run out and track dogs. Dogs of maniac. This is gonna run right out. She's a liability. Yeah. But like a pet chimp, she's a very smart liability. Yeah. So I was like, I grew up with really wild animals. Okay. I was like, I would love, not a wild, just untrained dogs. So you were the house. We always had dogs who bit. Did you have dog, did you have, and you know, shout out my friend, Joey. I still love him to death. Did you have the house where the dog would not stop barking when a friend would come over? Not only that, the dog would attack. If the dog got out, it was like a coyote on the streets. How many dogs did you have grown up? There was always a-- That were a problem. At any given time. Every single dog. Every dog you had was a problem. Why is it, were they not? Your mom was just like, I love dogs and I'm never gonna give them rules. The opposite. My mom was like, a little bit of the old school and there was some, this is not for a camera. But there was some techniques she did for punishment. You know what? And my mom watches this podcast. So I know my mom's watching this. There were moments when my mom scolded my dog where I was like, don't do that. Yeah, it's all right. Joe, you don't rub their face in it. That kind of shit, we like school. Yeah, so yeah, that would make sure-- There was a few things my mom would do to dogs that looking back, I went like, you tapped them over the edge. Yeah, dude, you can't. Well, especially now, I've married a very sweet woman. They got a whole different life. But now we treat our dogs like they're essentially children. But every once in a while, look, I'm like, you don't know me. You have no idea. You don't know what this can be. Well, that's what we say to her. Whatever she's like being too much of a pre-Madonna or kind of like, primpy, and we're like, there's dogs that just sleep outside. So don't make us-- There are homeless people that have your breed. We've walked by. We walked by. You don't act like you're a real dog. You're not a real dog. You're a pampered ass bitch. So we have two dogs. We have a retired guy dog. And then we have a dog that was a backyard breeding dog that ran off, but then we got her. She's an Australian shepherd. Oh, that's great. Love them. Yeah. My other dog, my lab, the retired guy dog, looks at them like we're both the same thing. The other one I look at one to one, I'm like, I get you, but we don't get this bitch. My mom adopted a dog, the most recent dog she adopted. They found on an oil, Derek in New Mexico like living there for days. And the crew would like feed it. And it was really sweet. It's-- she is the sweetest dog in the world. That's my dog, who's the minigossi. OK. She's just special. It is. Freckles, my mom's dog, is the sweetest dog in the world where it's too much. Where you pet her and she's like, and you're like, all right. Come on, you're kind of creeping me up. You know what it is? It's when you're younger and you meet somebody who just got out of a bad relationship. Yeah. And they're just like, can you hold my hand? Yeah, and you're like, I'm in to you. And you're right. I'm never going to do that stuff. It's too much for me. I'm not full. I don't know how to do this, but I agree. We have a nice thing, but it's too-- you go, put it away, put your fucking-- put that shit away. And she'll be over there. But when we go on our road trip for Christmas and we're out in Denver, and we have Myrtle and that dog playing, I'll say to Myrtle all the time, I go, that dog live though. I really get it. That dog appreciates its food. So we appreciate everything it fucking has. We had an outdoor cat and I have algae, so I can never come in. Peter, he lived with us for 14 years. Yeah, he did. And I'm not kidded when I say-- and this was from late, and it's some late night, so I'm certain drinking days, or when I was getting to Stone where I would just look at him. And I'd be like, you're probably the toughest individual I've ever met. They'd be like a pack of coyotes that would come through the neighborhood. I would look at him and I'd be like, Aaron would be like, should we bring him in the garage? And I'd be like, maybe try to get him here to run off. I'd see him on a roof. I'd be like, you're the baddest motherfucker I ever met, dude. He had no respect for me. And we were both-- I would honestly feel when I would look at him at times, where we were both trying to hustle my wife, where I'd be like, I got a nice thing cooking here, Peter. Don't fuck with Aaron. And he would look at me and be like, I see you, you fucking rat. And I'd be like, I'm in the house. Yeah. I'm inside. You're outside. Yeah, I'm inside your house. I can lock you out. And I'm going to be-- And I will. If Peter would have been a human, you would have been intimidated by him. If Peter would have been like, the way-- The guy at a bar that you go, I'm not even going to talk to him. My life goes one of two ways. Yeah. Either I would have been so far away from people. There are certain people I meet, and I go, something scary. Yeah. And I don't care if everybody in my group goes, love that guy. No, those are the scariest. I don't love that guy. Also, I don't want to be with him. If a night gets on top of me, he's not the guy I want to be like, I did say something stupid. Yeah. I was trying to be funny. Yeah. And I promise you, I didn't think about it. Please don't try to hurt me. Your reaction is at a 10. I live at a 4. Brother. Yeah. This is too much. Or that guy right away, it connects like Legos. Yeah. And I'm like-- Those are my favorite people. You know, the craziest person I've ever met? But I actually trust you like no one's business, and I really connect to you. There were people that, when I used to drink like regulars at the bar, I'd go to that when a new friend would come with me to a bar. It was almost like being a falconer, where you go, that guy looks dangerous, and you go, watch this. And he lands on your arm. And you go. That is exactly it. Oh, now he can't get dangerous at any moment. So be careful around him. He's a wild animal, but it won't be with me. As long as we're together, you're 100% safe. But here's what I promise you not to do. Don't move around fast. Do not, and also don't get up quick. Yeah, don't go like this. Yeah. You do that. You're a trouble. I'm dead, too. If you have books, do not drop them on the ground. If you will refer to Vietnam, wear all the damage you're cutting. And guess what? Then you're on-- and but I have that way with our dog, our dog, the guy dog, when they got there would be like rules. Small kids can't come from behind, skinny men and moustaches, uniform, they were like things she had. And that's always why I think we freak out if your dog ever barks at a black person because a black person goes, well, now I know I'm your thing. I'm your don't walk up on a dog, you know what I mean? You go, so what happened? You go, you're the racist where this dog was harmed by a black person. Or what's really awful is you go, honestly, I don't know. And then you go, and if it's between, especially if it's a black friend, you know, and they're going, what's up with your dog, you go, well, let me make something crystal clear. It doesn't speak English. It's heard, no subtle joke references. It's just what that breed thinks right now. So either it's your people, or it's just you, my man, or you just got bad vibes. You have bad vibes. And you know, when it is a friend and you're apologizing and you say it all, this never happens. You always like to toss that out or you go, I don't know why this is happening. I don't know why this is happening. And then you're black where it goes, I know because you're racist, no, but it's that kippy. You know what I mean? It's just that he's barked at me. Somebody said to me and I feel like I'm never scared, but it might be somebody else. But I think what somebody really bugs me once, who goes, man, you don't have enough black people over. Yeah. And I was like, oh my god, my dog does not experience black people. That's what it is. But you go like, that's garbage. That's that's on me. Now I've got to save the last dance. Yeah. My dog. I keep my dog rhythm. Oh, she annoying white guys. Come here. I'm going to tell Katie to go, we're leaving Soul Train on for her whenever we leave the house. That is going to be the only way we could pass this. We're going to put on all the episodes of 106th Park or Soul Train just to get our dog. You and I both waited tables in New York City from 2007. When did you stop? I stopped at 11. Early in that. So I lived here in 2009 to 2002. Okay. Yeah. DM, you're here for 9/11. I was here for 9/11. - I walked down to the towers at 9/11. - After it happened. - Yeah, I was in Queens. It happened, I walked over the bridge, walked downtown, and was just hanging out, and then-- - And you haven't been approached by any law firms for mezzo-filiomal? (laughing) - I believe you're, you might be, now, I'm just talking about Subway ads, but you might be entitled to that. Were you also a camp of June? - We will, you represented there. - And can we make a run of this and see what we can do? - We go, yeah, Dan, so there's a comic. Do you also know that he's like, ambulance chaser, but like-- - He throws in all of them. - He's my guy, and he'll fuck you up a corner. He's the bulldog. - Where's the good you stop drinking, stop drinking? - Yeah, in 2013. - So now, meetings and all that, or did you-- - No, I read a book called The Easy Way to Stop Drinking by Alan Carr. - And it worked. - Well, I tried quitting, and I tried going to meetings and stuff, and nothing else. And then this book was like, reframed the way that I looked at drinking. And it actually worked. - Wow. - And then once I got far enough, I talked to friends of mine who were in the program, and they would tell me like 90 days, get to 90 days. - Right. - It's the truth. I got to 90 days, and I was kind of like, "Why would I go back to that?" - That's cool. - 'Cause I just remember the bad shit. And when you're a waiter in New York City, it's almost mandatory, you drink. - Well, I honestly say for majority of my day jobs before acting started, drinking or getting stoned before a day job was just part of it. - Listen, and feel free to take an SSRI. Feel free to take something else. I needed a couple of one-hitters in the Dunkin' Donuts on my way to open cafe. - Yes, but not only that for me. So I used to cater on boats, so we would do weddings. - Here in New York? - In Los Angeles. - Oh my God, I can't imagine. - That's like party down shit. - Yes, it was exactly like party down. We would do weddings. So you would do an entire wedding party, and then you could do two in a night. - On a boat. - On a boat. - So the boat does like a run. - Exactly, I think it was a new port beach. You pull up at the thing, you have your little tuxedo on. There's four of you, total. - How many tuxedo pieces did you own? - I think, I mean, not a lot, two or three. - It's always, my all-black side has maybe two thirds. - I mean, truthfully, and this is what people when they do those, it's disgusting stuff. Because you're not washing it that well. - Oh, and you're sweating a lot. - You're sweating a lot. - Do you get yellow neck on your- - So the food's splattering my little, but I'd be like, and I'd get home to my disgusting apartment, I'd be like, "Shall I wash it for tomorrow's event?" Fuck off, man, I have 14 hours. - Yeah. - I'm not spending four of them doing that. - They would get mad when I would bring my apron, I would just leave it at work, 'cause there's lockers. And my apron would just, I get lunches. So I just, I made no money, and I was running around, and when I would clean it in the cappuccino station, 'cause of the steam, and my manager's coming around and he's like, "What?" And he's like, "That's fucking disgusting." - That's disgusting. - I don't give a shit about this job. So I'm sure it's fucking not gonna wander it after every shit. - No, you bring it home and you go, what can I get off with water? - As fast as I can. - So I can sit down and not think about going back tomorrow. - I gotta say, I have still do this day, certain day jobs, I'll see people, and I'll have so much respect, especially now that I'm getting near 50. When I'll see somebody our age grinding it out, and they seem to have a good attitude, I'm like, "You're fucking awesome." Because, and I don't have it if it's like a 27 year old, I'm like, "You don't know that." - 25 trying to upsell, get fucked. - Don't care, I was like, whatever, but when it's a full on adult, and whatever you came to New York to do, or if this is what you wanna do, you know, this is it through probably 65, and then you're gonna slow down, and you're gonna figure it out. I go like, you got a fucking great attitude, and you're kicking and grinding here, and you're being less of a bitch than me, and I'm bitching right now, 'cause like, it was a little hot. (laughing) And my bitching feels very real to me. - Yeah, the older people that, I don't know if you've ever worked at a steak house, but steak houses are kind of where old waiters go to make like, yeah, because when you're at a steak house and you have an older waiter, there's this like this level of trust, where you just go like, you're gonna know how to cook this, you're gonna know what, yeah. But by the way, so anytime I do Kimmel now, I go to Frank Amuso's after, and I'll say to the people there, 'cause I'm not going on a regular night. - Sure. - So a buddy of mine will mostly come with me to the table, and you get like the 400 bucks a night, so I go like, let's just piss all like, over order, this is not real life. - Great. - I'm not gonna go like this. You're gonna shrimp cocktail? This is the first night in a while, I'm not gonna count anything. - Don't just go nuts. - No, it's just an hour of doing, and I'm not a stand-up, so that night for me is like, it's not a pleasant feeling. - Well, I'm like-- - Do a panel is you, I mean you come from the improv world, it is-- - I know, but it was so long ago. - Yeah, but you still got it. You still have that, like, you still know how to, like the way that, like when you watch Tom Brady play catch with someone before he does a fox-ing, - Did the thing. - And he's just going like-- - Yes. - Oh, I kind of know how to do it. - I don't think I would-- - I don't wanna do this. - You're not on a team anymore. - Yes. - You're not running fucking, you know, you're not doing a ask-at every Sunday. - No, but what's different is when you see a real stand-up doing it, they have all their bits so beaten down that they can still-- And I didn't really know this about stand-ups, but my buddy Hannibal Burris, we made it move years ago. - Yeah, a tag. - Tag. - It was great. - Shout out Jeff Thompson. - Jeff Thompson, the great Thompson. He's like, yo, I'm doing a show tonight, you wanna come. Chapelles performance. - Sure. - By the way, your Chapelles. - Oh, thank you. - It's on the fandom. I watch your fans, man. - Thanks, dude, I'm a fan. - That's great. - It's your stories where you would do Shepel. - Oh, I mean, Shepel's my fan. He's my number one of all time. - Your Shepel is so-- - I've met him briefly a couple times, but I don't really wanna meet him, 'cause I just know someone showed him a clip, and it's like-- - Agreed. - And we both know this, 'cause we've worked in entertainment long enough. Nobody likes an impression of themselves. - By the way, you're right. - Nobody. - Now some people know how to be cool about it. - Sure. - But I think it's the same with Roasted. - So people will go, like, "Dude, these are a bunch of, "these are my fucking friends." - Yeah. - We roast, and then you're like, "I know everyone's getting their feelings hurt." - Some is-- - A joke. (laughing) - A joke, and you know what it is? It's usually like, I'm a big pro wrestling guy. Pro wrestlers get injured in weird ways, where it's like not false they're used to. - Right. - And that's what happens. It's like a joke that you're not used to, and you go, "By the way, that is exactly right." They're certain that some of my buddies, and I will all roast each other constantly. - Sure. - But it's always the same stuff. - Yeah. You know, you're being roasts on the several, we're like, "I know I'm weird with that." - Yes, I am. I do interrupt a lot. I am desperate for attention. - I can't start up. - I can't do it. - I'm not that smart. - I am dumb. And it's like, I know that, and then they go like, also, you're not that big of a 49ers fan, and I'll be like, "I fucking kill you, bro." I'll fucking kill you, bro. - Right, there's a little thing where they go, your dog's not well trained. It's like I'll fucking grab you in the throw. - What I do, it just even worse, is I do the, if they go like, you know, whatever it is, your dog's not well trained, I'll do the like that. And then I'll take the pause, and it's the psychos pause, where you go like, "Ha ha." And you go like, and in my eyes for that second, I'm like, first of all, I don't know if I like them anymore. - Yeah, second of all. - 14 years of friendship gone. Now I'm thinking of such mean things. - Yeah. - That I'm like, I wouldn't wanna say that to them, 'cause I know that would hurt them, but I'm like, but if I like laugh a little before, and then I'm like, I'm turning into such a piece of shit, they didn't mean it, and then I go, I'm in the wrong situation for me. (upbeat music) - Oh man, you know, a lot of times we do these ads and granted whether it's like clothing or stuff that I'm wearing, I genuinely like sell it, but I used Zock Dock yesterday. I have a problem with my foot. I think I either pulled or damaged, attended in my foot. I need to go see a podiatrist. I pulled up Zock Dock, I'm logged in. I got all my health insurance info in there. They gave me a doctor in network. 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Right now, you can get up to $200 off, $200 off, square hardware at square.com/go/soder. That's squ-a-r-e.com/go/soder. When your business smarter was square, get started today. Bobby Kelly had a joke from, like, I think this joke, at least once a month. But he had a joke 20 years ago about when your friends are making fun of you and you take it too far because you're mad and they're like, "Yeah, you're a fucking loser." And he's like, "Yeah, well, your mom's sick." And the guy goes, "Hey." There you go. That's always the feeling I have right away too quick. So when I was growing up, my mother was from a family of nine brothers and sisters in Chicago, tough people. Crazy. My siblings and I are sisters from the suburbs, but my mother and her family were genuine tough people. In Chicago. Yes, very genuine old school to the accent. Yeah, Chicago. These and does. Yes, these. So T's become these. These are those. My brother, Bob. Hey, my brother, Bob. You know, it'd be Bob. And everything's from the neighborhood. My brother, Bob, he's from the neighborhood and Timmy was over there. And this fucking, this guy says to me, "I love the North." Yes. Is that North or South? It's North Chicago. Yeah. Where they go. I've been on the force for damn near 20 years. You think I'd have some respect for them. I like the Chicago like the best. I don't know why people think Caleb Williams is a gay. I mean, he's got his nails painted, but the guy can put a ball on a dime. I like to love that North. I love that. And North Chicago shit, to me, is up there with the Philly and the Boston accent of like the best subtle because everyone knows the New York accent. Yes. Everyone knows the Texas accent. Yeah. Everyone knows the Southern accent, but like the Mid-Atlantic, with Baltimore and Philly. Yeah. To me, Chicago, Boston and Philly and Baltimore. Especially when it comes to that type of man and sports. Yeah. My favorite thing going to Caleb Williams has been watching that type of man. That man now, by the way, that you're describing is now 70 or dead. So that is really that old, the bears. That's the bears. So there's a, the younger Chicago is different. Sure. But that Chicago that, because I left in 2003, that was my dad and his group, where the big my father used to sell cars on the size of Chicago. My father was in a commercial where he goes, city Chevrolet. He throws a ball like that. It cuts to a shot of the gun in the air. It switches Scotty, a rookie Scotty Pippin and Horace Grant Gold. It's a sure shot. No way. Yes. Dude. No way. That's the way. I call that the Webster Shot. Yeah. My dad did a Webster Shot. You throw it. It cuts too. And there was a period of the 80s that that was cool. Dude. It was one editor goes like this. You know what you could do? Just put it in there. And everyone goes, you think it'll work? You think it'll work? Nobody will know. Do they? They did it all the time. The Webster. I think Michael Jordan might be in the episode. Forget there's an NBA player in the episode. And he's like throwing up little man. And he goes like, huh? And then it goes. And then it goes. It cuts too. Yeah. Switch. And you go. And it works. I mean, now people go. Fuck you. Well, now, now you've got little weirdos in like green outfits. Do you drink shots and being like, I threw a ball off a mountain top. And then there's like a weirdo on a zipline being like, let me show you how it's done. I grabbed it. I love this. I, if we those come up with my feed of a guy and like a console on a coastline, it throws it in the ball goes down in the hoop, I'm like, no, I did until I saw one of the green guys. Now I hate those guys in a way. Okay. Could you imagine being like, all right, the two of us, let's say we're starting a business for real grinders. You know what I think we could do? We can make these videos. You just trick shots like I did. I think we could start making 60, 70,000 bucks each. Let's all go to Scotland. You getting the fucking weird green outfit, you filming and I'm going like, here we are. You do this whole thing. All you're doing, it's like worse than magic. Just try to hit a fucking trick shot. Well, I'm talking about the guys that actually hit a trick shot. Oh, real trick shot guys. Real trick shot guys. I'm not talking about the ones that fake that shit. But my problem is now. I'm talking about the actual ones that keep trying and you see them try and they get even those. I think you're believing in magic. I'm a pro wrestling fan. I'm a mark. I'm fucking dude. I fucking believed. Yeah, believed Hulk Hogan was a good guy. It's great. It's great. It was so fun. You get the episode four and you go, there you go. You're going to really talk about it. Because I watched the episode one and I was ready to run through a wall for Hulkomania and then I go, right, fucked over everyone in the business. It was super racist. Got it. Fuck. Yeah. It's hard. But I'm a mark. So like, yeah, love the shots. It's interesting. Yeah. Total mark, dude. Can't go to Vegas. Can't go to anywhere. They could sell me shit because they'll be like, this fucking idiot. Can't go to a car lot. When we buy a car, she's going to have to go because I'm going to be like, I'll take it right now. You know, I do the podcast. We're here to help. We'd love to have you on. Yeah, absolutely. Gareth, my partner, is Mark. Oh, my God. We used to call him option one. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Literally, we don't even get to option two. We'll do bets with each other in real life and it's like, literally, we'll go, like, we're talking years ago where he's a big packer fan. I'm a bear fan and he goes great. There's no fucking way Brett Farve is going to go to the Vikings and if he does, he'll never win a Super Bowl. And I go, well, I think they're talking about going to the Vikings and if he does, they're going to be good. This was back then. I remember that. I remember that. I mean, I remember that in a prescription. He goes, not a fucking chance. He goes, dude, if he does that, I'll put a fucking pole in my dick and cut it off. And I go, well, you won't do that. That's crazy. I was like, well, that's also stupid. We're on a hike. You're being stupid. But would you get a tattoo of Brett Farve and a Vikings jersey that covered your whole leg that said my MVP and he goes, yeah, and we shook hands and I go, deal with his applause and then he goes, well, what do I get if I don't? And I go, like, we already shook, man, you took option one. Waste her off. She's too brother. He still does it to this day. Garret, I'm an option one boy myself. And that is why. But what's key in life is to find an option two person to marry because she is so bogged down by option two that when we were furniture shopping and we moved from Jersey into this place, she was like, I looked at this couch. I don't know. I went in and I went to the store and I sat down and I'll take it and she was like, what the fucking I go? Well, you did the research, right? Yeah. So it's a nice place. So I'm a big option two guy. Okay. I am not a mark. I'm not. And it's not. So I don't think Mark or not because any Mark of intelligence because I, yeah, I just want people to be happy. But the illusion that a non-mark is like, well, you got it all figured out just more paranoid. That's what it is. You just go like this. Can I tell you that helps the insecurity of being a Mark a little bit as you go? If someone's going like this, yeah, I don't know where it is, but I know you're fucking me over. Yeah. So someone's good 20 bucks. I go, I guess. No, no, no. And then they go, you know what you were right? It was a hustle. I don't know what the hustle is. I know I'm not smart enough to figure it out. I know this fucking. There you go. I fucking know you. Somebody goes like this. This is not a thing. It's not funny. It's just fun. There's a marble. Catch the marble. If you get the marble, I go like this. I don't know what you're doing. But nobody by groups giving you any money. If you were a cat, I'd spray bottle you right now. I'd fuck it. Yeah. Whatever you're doing. And they'll be like, honestly, it's not. It's a promotion for Red Bull. Everybody wins. Did I go like this? You're not even faking me. I don't get that this CEO of Red Bull. Oh, you got a car with wings on it. Full of cans. Let me tell you this, pal. Pretty good hustle. Do you think that's because your dad was a car dealer? And you kind of watched the sausage be made on getting on him? Yes. He's kind of, so my dad used a lot of it. It was used and it was Chevy. So my dad was going to us to came back when I was 18. So I missed a lot of his stuff. And you mean gone? He was gone. Drunk alcohol party guy. Shout out. Same here. Mine clocked out of 14. Okay. But your dad came back. What was your story? I heard it on a video. What was your dad? He was drunk drunk. Yeah, he was like an alcoholic. Like he was like an abandoned a family drunk. Where? Like where he was like? He would go on a bender and be gone. No, he just, my parents got divorced. He hung around for three months. And he was like, all right. I'm going to go to San Francisco. And then I had to be like sent out by myself to go find him. Oh, man. And I would stay with him at my grandma's. And then they moved up to Northern California in Chicago. And then it went from like seeing him twice a year to seeing him once a year to seeing him every other year to seeing him once every two. And then he died. So it was like, we never got that. So we never got the finish. No, which? That's hard. I would argue for anybody that's lost to dad early or a mom and that has that kind of shit. The hardest part is going like, I thought we were going to fix it. I thought you were going to come back or at least have some revs. So when he comes back at 18. Yeah. Just he come back full into your life. I'm sober or is he just going? So when I was 17, I was the youngest. So obviously I'm graduating. How many? Three. Okay. Sobers up. We get when you're 17. 17. Almost about 18. When did your parents break up when I was two? And then he was gone. He lived near, but it was like the Torelloans thing. Yeah. Where it would be like. Sit-ups in the driveway. My dad is three miles that way. Yeah. But never at a game. Never at anything. Never showed up. Never. He would call say we were going to go golfing not come for somebody. Oh, man. That move. Brother, that's what makes America is looking at headlights going. Well, and here he is. Nope. But that move. Where you'd be like, as a kid, now I'm nearly 15. It just changes. You get older. But you look back and you go like, weird move, brother. Just don't invite. Can I tell you why? There was no ability to reach people besides letter or phone. Oh. knew they weren't on the hook because my dad gave the hell of a speech when I was 11 about catching my popcorn or football game when I was in seventh grade to the point that I was like dude I've got I was like doing more off season training to be like I'm not gonna be a bum when this guy shows up I'm gonna be good and then by the end of the season I was like I talked to him once or twice and I go hey you coming out he goes oh the season is ending you know what do you think NFL is 16 weeks we're fucking twelve we got eight games you think we're going deep into the playoffs for network money it's over the phone of them it's over the phone of them we don't we're not gonna be on peacock no one fucking cares we're at the fucking we're at mission Viejo Park but he did that thing and did your dad your so your dad did the same thing so my dad would do a thing where it would be the movie parenthood kind of shows it perfectly with uh no Gene Phoenix we're walking Phoenix and that's where Keanu Reeves snaps on the guy yes yes come home and destroys the Dennis thing shout out but that move I forgot about that I know it so that scene for me when I watched it I was like movies that movie's cool yeah I was like because that is what it fit you go like because you have to play to your mom and to other women yeah I don't care and you don't even know why because they're being sweet to you so like my my mom was at a my sister at surgeries growing up so my mom my sister were gone and my aunt was staying with us and it was me and my brother and my dad said he was gonna pick us up or something I don't even remember what the context was but my aunt told my mom and my mom was like he's not coming damn and my aunt said Jake just let me help it was like a home like let me help you we'll do it and I was like my dad's coming and I was sitting outside and I remember the sadness of her oh I wasn't sad because I was like you're over reacting goofy he's coming and then with eat 15 minutes I had to do the at a certain point like you know what I think I'm gonna bail on this and head back upstairs your read was incorrect the read that I what I'm thinking is a catch sounds awful right about I just have to say something kind of like where I'm at yeah pardon these tears I'm having allergies yeah well you know what I even you don't like just remember does I have homework yeah and something you don't want to do you know this old cat wants to do is I want to be in my room by myself literally no drama and I I'm gonna put my face in the pillow and I appreciate if you don't come in there and if you come in it's a joke I'm sleeping and oh my god I can't believe you thought I was sad cash app gotta use the cash app gonna use the cash app hey listen I know cash isn't king anymore now it's all about apps what app you use and what app you can bank with and all that stuff sometimes you know they stink and sometimes they're great that's what cash app is it's one of the great ones does more 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Debt Sutton debit flex cards and bank debit flex cards cash app green features savings direct deposit roundups overdraft coverages and discount provided by cash app a block incorporated brand visit cash.app/legal/podcast for full disclosure oh it's the summer oh oh it means shorts weather and that's why check out Mac Weldon's air knit fabric it's all errors it's underwear that's designed to wick moisture fight odor and give you maximum air flow so even if you got those linen shorts on sometimes those underwear can be bunchy but you put that Mac Weldon air knit on woo plus you can browse air knits full collection at Mac Weldon dot com plus get 20% off your first order of 125 dollars or more with code Dan we'll get back to that in a little bit I'm saying this summer you're going to want to get some pieces that you go you know what I can wear this but I want to look in style and I want stuff that's made comfortable easy to style versatile looks all that more so don't sweat the heat the summer feels effortlessly cool as you look with Mac Weldon go to Mac Weldon dot com get 20% off your first order of 125 dollars or more with code Dan with promo code Dan that's m-a-c-k-w-e-l-d-o-n dot com code Dan I there is something to be said about when you're a teenager or young in your teens and you see an adult be sad and you were I'll tell you what I hated even more and this took me a lot of years to get over the resentment when you see another family's mom be extra nice to you because she's sad about something that's happening in your house you are preaching to the choir I had this is well you know you could you know you could always call me and they go like it's also you know you could also bring this to school to and you're going like this can I tell you and this is something I think you'll very rare anyone would identify with this when you have to keep the other adult being nice from you from your mom because you don't want your mom to know say that now my mom would kill so there was a moment and you can trust I know you're watching it's true thank you so much but it is when someone was sad for you about something your shitty parent did you tried to keep the good because it was always I would say to them to be like are you sad your dad's in here and I go no my mom's both yeah dude and the one there's literally I went to a great public school in a really nice neighborhood I did not have that in like a bad neighborhood I grew up in a suburbs and I went to a great high school I safe as it gets whatever yeah it was not my life was never in danger same with me and not bad everything was fine yeah literally one the day I think there was a scheduling thing and we forgot a lunch okay I always chubby okay I was not a hungry kid yeah I know when a meal was missed yeah for sure had like double McDonald's after and everyone felt bad but there was a day the meals you got when people were sad for you oh I still do I still do this that with the wife or she's like how you doing from New York I'm like just so tired that's what I do I'm not joking I'm going to Stanford Connecticut this weekend I'm gonna call her and be like I just missed you in the dog I'm the burger king it's so great I love it I love sloppy food it's the best just puts my biggest thing it's same yeah but so we she free one meal all of a fucking son there's group of moms do this thing and back then it was pre-em out where they said like why don't we do like a meal train and we will bring lunches so that your mom can just worry about what's going on with your sister we know what's happening with your dad okay when my mom found out the amount of fucking trouble we were in that's what it is because in an honestly now that you're a parent and you're older and you're in your you know in your 40s I'm in my 40s you can kind of see it you go their anger wasn't that you did something wrong it is sure embarrassment and like and also like you don't have it bad yes what we were talking about our dogs yes but it's that so then what my mom would then do is go over the top she's like just so we never mess a fucking meal in this fucking house we had a basement fridge that we had to make nine months worth we'd beat my brother and I was hit or making peanut butter and jolly sandwiches like workers in a factory and then every morning you get and she'll go oh did you grab your fucking lunch so that this is blah blah blah blah and you should go because you're not eating enough and I'd be like I didn't fucking say I'm not on you trash I like my lunch I didn't fucking right now I got a turkey and he looks made of frozen ice chips when he comes back when you're 17 yeah because I'm not going to lie my dad died when I was 14 and when he died at 14 yeah when I was 14 he died when I was 13 I had real heat for oh I'd really I had real so you did my biggest fantasy was the my biggest life injustice was my you know before you go to bed you masturbated you do something like calm your brain down and self-south and you're like let me go back to this pleasure seeking you right and then you relax and pass out great mine was going to my dad's condo and beating him up and out of imagine the door dragging his ass into the bathroom yeah it's like a penthouse letter where the better the description the hornier yeah but it was it was oh as I kicked open the single lock but it was soothing yeah and it was so you're really wanted to fuck him up so what what happened was we would have times when my mom would get too much and she would you know say I can't keep doing this it's time to go to your dad's and we arrived to his house would be begging or no we'd get his house he would come out in his box and say no - No. - No way, he would deny it. - He would say no. - So they'll get him the fuck out of him. - No, it'd be more like, he would, no. You know, and he wasn't sober. So then we'd have to get back in the car. My mom would have to do that. I say, we're gonna just make this work with us. And we guys start doing some chores and I'm like, did you say something I love and that's a schedule? (laughing) - 'Cause if it's about dishes, these hands are made for cleaning. - Moorah's talking. - Moorah's talking about these, please. - You know, actually, everything you're saying that you like in a day is what I like in a day. - Yeah, that watching them go like, fuck it, we'll do it is like, that's a very specific experience to have with a single mom where they go like. - No, that's the end. - But you also-- - All right, we'll do it. And then you go like, you're either on board, which I was on board. - Yeah. - Whenever such a terrible shit would happen to us, my mom would always go, we'll get through this. - Always. - And you're like, hell yeah. - My mom has always been my rock. - Yeah. - My mom has. - I jokingly tease her the most now. I'm now like using her voice notes on appearances on talk shows. My mom is a character, I love her. If my mom didn't raise me, there could have been a really bad ended. When I see like a wild person under a bridge, I don't go that alien is other than me. - Yeah. - I go, thank you, Eve J. - Yeah, you feel real. - I don't think that gets enough credit because like, there really is a thing of like how fucking feral I would have been. - If I did not have a mom that was like, hey, don't do that, hey, don't do that. - You're not allowed to do that. And when I would start fucking up, would be like, my mom was tough. And it was now it's you and me. And I'd be like, nah, I'm afraid of you physically. - Oh, I was afraid. In fact, I have a joke right now. Or it's in my special John film that where I say, I watch her get older and I go, God, I can't believe I was afraid of you. 'Cause I was so scared to her. - So scared. - Dang, so I had to have when the garage door would open when she would come home from work. - When Eve? - 'Cause I was a bad kid, or I was a bad at school. - I was so bad at school. - So I'd be like, I never was like, I can't wait to show you this, A, she was coming home and I was like, I got in big trouble today 'cause I was hilarious. - When I knew trouble was coming. And it's giving me a feeling now, you even saying that. - When I would hear, it would always be something that would have, it was really report cards and teacher conferences. - Yup. - Where. - Calls to home. - Calls to home. - Yup. - And I would hear the stomping and I'd be like, "Mmm, big moment, Eve is mad." - I'm a big, big trouble. - And you would know, trouble's coming. - Yeah, I, what's interesting about, 'cause is your relationship with your mom now, right? - Yes. - And she's like probably an awesome grandma. - She is, so what happened with my mom, what's really funny is it's currently happening. So when, so my dad sobering up, fucked a lot up, meaning really. - So he came back and was Mr. I do AA, I've changed. And my brother and sister were more evolved and they forgave him. - 'Cause they're in their, at that point, they're in their 20s. - They're just a little bit old, they're in college. - Or they're in college. - They were more like, he seems different. And I would not forgive him. I would only-- - He's a baby. - But when he was wanna take amends, I'd make amends, I would meet him in bars, I would smoke his cigarettes and drink stoleon ice and I'd be like, dead. He did, like I'm smoking marriage, dude. - Look at me. - Fuck you, but also like, I know you're gonna slip up. - Ah. - You're not, it's the dumb thing about, I'm not a mark. - Yeah. - You've seen the intervention, where it's the Rocky the Boxing Coach in his two sons. - Yeah. - I don't know if I've seen that episode. - Where the, he goes like, (screams) - Not when I gotta lick it off. - It's the best one. - Okay. - Big J and I used to watch a lot of intervention together. - I mean, I've seen every episode. - Yeah, I gotta watch that one. - It is. - Rocky the Boxing Coach? - No, the Boxer. - Okay, the Boxer. - He's got sons, he stops seeing them, but dad's kinda like, I don't give a shit. I'm trying, but fuck you. - Yeah. - And then this son goes like, I hate you. Would you ever end a dad's like, I hate you two mother fuckers. - And then this, you know, it's one of the things where you're like, this isn't gonna be a happy ending. They're both getting too gnarly and then the son goes, but somewhere deep down in me. I must love you 'cause I'm here. And the dad goes, I have seen that. (screams) - I have seen that. - I have seen that. - It was like, you know, for me, it was with me and my dad was, I hate you, I hate you, you know. And then deep down it was because I really loved them. - Absolutely. - And once I was the only reason. And also, I like, the problem is would, I liked him. - Dude. - I thought it was cool. It was fun to be with him. We liked sports the same way. We sat the same way. He was a true chubby like me where he would go, he'd sit down and he'd go, you know, we're getting cheeseburgers. Eight diet coaks and I'd go, why don't you go, for each. And I was like, I grew up with a woman who said, diet coaks, if you can't serve. - Yeah. - You never get more than one soda. - I guess we're gonna get four. - And you go, hey, I drink them so fast. You drink them fast. - He was an addict so he would go, look at what I got in the freezer, it'd be 12 ice cream bars. He'd go, start eating honey 'cause you're gonna be gone tonight. That means were you cheating six? - I love that. - I would have loved for Gary to have gotten to a sweet tooth thing because he was a, he could cook. So that would have meant he would have been fire and shit up. That was always the bummer because, so, I mean, I guess I have a lot of questions because I never got to see that turn around. At what point did you believe that he wasn't going back to the booze? - Years. - Years. - Years. - I mean, he got someone on the 17th probably when I was about 35. - Damn, so about 18 years, to go like fucking walk the walk then. - No, it was, we were friendlier but it would be fake. He would, he would always show up, he would always call. But then I started getting on TV and I'm like, easy to like me now. - Yeah, I can. - And I'd be like, easy to call now. - Dude. - But it would still be like, but he didn't, he was richer than me, he didn't eat anything from me. - Sure. - So I would just be like, yeah, whatever. And then over time, over time, I just had to go like, oh, this is the real you and you were sick. So my brother and I have an unfortunate take that I'm sure people are gonna dislike. But we've always had a really hard thing with calling addiction a disease. - Yeah. - Because cancer's a disease. - Yeah, Norma Donald has the phenomenal bit of that. - What is it? - He's like what a disease to get. He's like, what a fun disease to have. - That's okay. - So I'm about boozing. - So my dad's disease took him from raising three kids. One of them had a leg short of the other was in another hospital and the mom had a pretty bad attitude and took him to every prostitute in Chicago. The best cocaine in Chicago. Friends with the Chicago Bulls. During the Jordan era. - Sick. - New Michael Jordan. - Sick. - Because he was a dealer. He had his, a car dealer on the south side. He had a cocaine dealer on staff. - I love that. I love old fucking babies. - Old one. - He's not these car dealers. - That was his legit, like literally would get, there'd be like a big thing where he would go. Like another prostitution ring at Gibson's Steakhouse. He was in all of this stuff. - Jesus. - That then when I was in high school, my aunt came and moved in with us who was dying of cancer. - Sure. - And I was like, just two people with diseases. - Yeah, same as my dad. Oh, here's just my dad. Do you do radiation for alcoholism? - Your disease is killing you. His is too, but it's different. - Well, I think what it is is, I think they use the word disease. And I know people that do believe that, but I think what it is is because it's a condition. - Yeah, it will. - And it is a condition. - I agree. - 'Cause the way you like fast food is very similar to it. - I know. - And dude, the way I get into shit, and the way I like shit. - I get addicted to everything. - And I go like, oh, I had it. No, I want a thousand of them. - But also not only just food, ideas, projects, anything. - Anything. - You can see why people, you know, I think addictions are, it's like, you know, I don't think this is like a popular take, but I think it's true is I would rather have a substance addiction than sex, food, or money, or gambling. - Tell me why. - Because I know I just, it's like having the food out. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. - It's the food allergy, I can't have alcohol. If I, I'm allergic to scallops. If I eat scallops, I'll puke and shit everywhere. I'll never eat scallops. - Yeah. - I don't hate scallops. - I have a disease that stops me from eating scallops, but I go, I have a condition where I can't eat scallops. - So I'm just not allowed to. So my buddy who got into the program, we are having big talks about this and I was being really country about my dad and being like, well, yeah, and then finally he goes, so take away the word disease and view it like, cause call it an allergy. And I went, by the way, all my little bichiness for no reason, I think it's so wonderful you're in the program and so is everybody. You have an allergy and that allergy makes you lose control when you have a sip and you drink too much, you fuck your life up. I think that's so great for you and I was thinking it's so great for my dad. And I went like, oh, I'm just being a bit, literally I'm just a childhood anger about nothing and it's just a word. But the truth is, my dad then did sober up, was always consistent, kept showing up, and then as I got older in life, I would lean on him and I would find times that I would realize I'm doing something weird over and over and I'm not seeing it. - Sure. - I would go, well have you ever considered this on me? - Yeah. - And I would go, no but that's really, and I was like, and so I don't, I feel like this would kind of hurt me in reverse and I don't mean do because I like you. But I do feel like I got what a dad is supposed to be. It was later. - Dude brother, if you can get in any moment. - Okay. - I'll give a shit about that because I think what's interesting about that, especially for people that have lost parents, is if you understand where your parent size Whole is right you understand you will understand also what bumps up against yes You have a cut on your rib. Yeah, and people keep touching your ribs. You go don't do that I don't do that, but they don't necessarily see the car. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, or the surgery scar You're just reactive your reaction. So what I saw later in life is What a dad is supposed to do now? I was too old. So I couldn't be like Well, thank you daddy. It's like getting a hundred dollars. It towards the rest cash at 40 where you go I can do this myself But you also go you know what it's actually you know what it's actually like in terms of the toys or us It's like having a credit card. Yeah, and now you go. I can buy whatever the fuck I want Yes, and you go this was always the dream and you go I'm not gonna buy anything But I now get what that means when I am and I'm and I'm serious about this when I'm on the road And I stop at a Walmart or a target to get something what I will always do is Walk through the toy section to go I can buy this little fucking thing right now I just walk through it. I go I could buy every fucking toy right here because when I was little you I'm so my mom and I you know My mom did all right, but money wasn't we didn't have a lot of money. Yeah, money was always on her mind Yeah, it was always a conversation. It was I had to wear clothes from target I was in high school and I had a job and I could and then she would let me get a couple good pieces of clothes But it was always like we weren't tied on money, but we weren't rich But I remember always going to target and be like damn. I want this act and she'd be like No, you know, I mean money. You're like one day I love money and then now when I do and I walk by I go oh buy all these fucking Question about getting a dad later in life and having kids. Is there any resentment towards like what's the relationship of your dad with your kids? Well, he's dead now. Okay, when did he was he was he alive when they were yeah, but he was not involved okay? Not in a dramatic way okay, so I saw this great Instagram club that like broke me down Sure, and it was an old man clowning around for his grandkids and then jumped in a pool Yeah, and it said when grandparents love being a grandparent It means they miss being a parent sure and when they don't it means they never really were meant to be a parent Completely agree that's interesting. I completely agree and that's like the old saying of like if you don't raise your kids Your parents have to raise your kids and if you do raise your kids your grandparent your your parents get to spoil your kids That's exactly right, and that's what it is. It's like if you don't rate. No, I'm saying this wrong They say if you don't raise your kids, you're gonna end up raising your grandkids Oh, then if you raise your kids, you're gonna be able to spoil your grade, but it's the same because it makes sense because you go Yes, it's just putting it the emphasis on the parents exactly, but you're like I think that's totally right So my dad wasn't a bad guy. He just didn't shouldn't probably have he just wasn't he what but here's what he was I didn't want to be a fucking parent, but he did, but it was just in the old world sure Here's what he wanted he wanted to go to work Essentially have his women he was having a fair with party and then had the kind of woman that just put up with it because he was bringing home money Yeah, he wanted to go my work. He just married kind of the wrong person and a lot of those guys made a whole life work Did your mom get remarried never never even dated? How about you never even dated my mom dated? Oh, she did Yeah, I got bits. I got bits. I got bits I got bits. How many siblings you got? None I was the only child between my mom and my dad, but my dad had a daughter with another one So you were locked in with Trish. Yeah, we were you were a tin she When we go back to Denver for Christmas We've been together for seven years engaged for three and she will go back and go like when we leave Colorado She always goes Your guys' relationship it stounds me And I got what do you mean? She's like you guys are in a two-man band. You're just like so great You're like the white stripes. You're just like playing. You're just like it's just you two and it really is like there's like this It's magic. There is this familiarity. There's this short hand. There's this like understanding and Also, there's a quick to get annoyed quick to get angry But what yes to get the here's a positive and this is what I'm because my I moved my mom to LA three weeks ago or a month Oh, and I from Illinois from Chicago, and I'm sure you have this too Mm-hmm My mom no matter how much I annoyed her was always my biggest fan and we were the only people I can ever relate to and they talk about moms as rappers Yeah, so Whenever a rapper talks about their mom or a number one draft pick or a number of draft But someone's talking about what this means to that well not anymore not a number of draft picks all their dads trained him Yeah, they're all first NBA guys that I watched in the 90s Yeah, Ron Harper's kids going in and he did a great job as a dad. Yeah And be a draft for me was well This is what goes to show when you have a generation of men who break the cycle. Yeah, all these dads were like I was around my kids and then like all the kids like we love her dad. No, I'm so bad I love you both. I love both my parents equally. This feels like a wonderful family Yeah, but it was different But I know what you're saying when you're talking to rappers or people where you go like But we have a deal my mom and I I felt like we didn't unspoken deal Yeah, and that deal was we're gonna make this work together Yeah, and it's gonna figure it out and we're gonna be okay And we are in this dance forever and what's nice is is a lot of years when my dad came back my mom kind of did the Oh, well, I fucking lost against them so all of a sudden I'm second fiddle and but my mom is so over that it wasn't even that I'm not guilty new for you to take me back. Fuck you. Yeah, then do what you got to do and I'm like I had again I haven't made a decision. It feels like a boss going all right. I'm looking to hire somebody We have an interview at one and you're leaving. Yeah, and you like this. You got an interview at one and you go Yeah, but it's probably gonna then fuck you but you go Okay, yeah, I was for sure gonna hire you, but it's weird you're up in my shit that I'm interviewing So mad at me. What I'm doing is normal here. You know what's very interesting about that is the idea of when you're raised in a Situation where the mom is overburdened by the responsibility. Yes, it's You grow up with her kind of full court pressing you the whole time. Yeah, she has to yes, so there was a moment in my Late I think it was when I after I quit drinking where I had like a long conversation I was like I love you. You're always gonna be one of the most important people in my life Back to fuck up. You did I was like you got back to fuck up because I need my room for my own life and interesting She was very receptive to it. Cool. Very positive about it. Save the relationship and I say that all the time at moment that Conversation is crossed where now I can go eight you're hitting the barrier and she goes all right and you're like great But that's a woman that wants a relationship with her son, and she's also a fan. She was a fantastic mom Yeah, she's a fantastic mom and that feeling of You know acting very similarly to stand up is just this like you might as well tell your mom You're going into space yeah to be a fucking a space ranger Yeah, and there's then there could be treasure out there. Yes, but I don't know I'm a space pirate now and I but it could work and if your mom goes like Remember to tie your ship up. Yeah, all right. Fuck yeah. Yeah, that's exactly right My mom was very like hey, can you please get your college degree? It's the only thing I ask It's the only thing I ask is as your mom and I was like fuck it I'm a but I did stand up while I was in college and then I got the degree and I was like I'm gonna go to New York if you stand up and my mom was like fuck you a good luck That's how mama was to my mom and it was and by the way She didn't have any money to give me she didn't have anything but I know but it was always encouraging yeah It was also the other thing is that for me the reason the only the thing that I still and I'm sure it's the same was standard, but what I love about acting and the question I always get that I find so bored and will be like It's a similar character of a guy down on his looks stuck and I'm like well that's just because I like that arc Yeah, I don't give a fuck about the arc. I don't care about the character's job I'm just in it for the tone and the tone management. Yeah because that's the itch and that's the addiction It would I would be at home and the vibe would start getting tense sure and if it gets tense things could go sideways Which is and I like the situation right now with this woman my siblings here Sure, so what if I tried to take the tone that is clearly going sideways. Yeah, and if I could find not in my sense of humor Mm-hmm, but in the rhythm of right now with this dialogue How do I get that woman to think this is funny? Yeah, and when you find that and my brother and I that's when we became real comedy partners Yeah, he would always because he was always smarter than me sure so he we would start and we talked about as we're older We would start making eye contact and communicating and what he would do is you would start basically setting up premises Great so my mom would be like and the fucking mess and I'm doing it on my own and he'd be like and I agree and I and she You're saying that good and you go like you need to like and what we got it is we have to come with a schedule and look at me And I'd be like oh schedule wedgel known with laugh and I'd be like and she'd be like it's not a fucking time. You'd be like That was a mess. I went I went absurd and it wasn't and you keep going But when you land it she laughs and then when the dust settles either me or my brother would go I Think you're right. It is messy If you give us a couple days knowing if you get past his 20 minutes. Yeah, then we're gonna go back to fucking off Yeah, but we just I get past his 20. That's what it is. You're you have turbulence get through the turbulence We both know we're taking our belts off and have another drink. Yeah, it's right now. You're scared We're all scared. Yeah, that's what it that really is I used to have a lot of me is still the job. Yeah, my my thing was Because I was the power dynamic was single mom and child and she had a boyfriend who she's trying to oppress that's scary But I don't give a fuck about this dude. Oh, so you could funny. So I don't care about what this guy thinks of me I'm just trying to be funny. Honestly and not physically afraid of him ever. - No, not really. - That's cool. - I think there were never really was a time to run around that was like violent or anything. - Just a dude. - It was just a dude and I was like, well watch me be funny in a way that almost will offend my mom. But if I can make this guy laugh, - Interesting. - And it was like kind of fun to like be like, "I'm actually a good time." And then what really kicked it into overdrive was high school with my friends and they would be over. And I would have my friend like Danny would be there and I would like make a joke at her but knowing it would land with him. And then he would be laughing and she's not gonna get mad at him. - No, yeah, yeah. - She's gonna go, "Danny!" And he's gonna go, "I'm sorry, that's just so funny." And then there's moments where she'd be like, "All right, it is funny." - And then it's fun. So we had a thing my brother and I with my dad and I've told this before but we've never talked about it. But the way I actually got close with my dad was because he partied so hard for so long it pickles your brain. - Yeah. - And anybody who claims it doesn't, like-- - It's C-T-E-A-Party. - It's really, and there's a moment where you're still there and look, I loved them by the end. We were truly, he was in my top five of best friends, not as a bit. - Sure. - But we could do a game that we used to do and that is the three of us would be sitting in a room and he and I could, my brother and I could text each other words. And the goal was, my dad's nickname was Krakow, as in Krakow shit. - Yeah. - And he's the only impression I do, but my impression is good. - Yeah. (laughing) - The only reason people go, you doing Columbus, it's actually my dad. - That's for a test. - And he was really, he was Shin Shang, and it was a thing. - Yeah. - It was this, and let me take the broad shirt. - And so what we would do, we'd be sitting there and my brother would text me pink monkeys. - Yeah. - And I'll text back like too hard, and he'd be like, you can, and I'd go, hey Krakow, be watching a Cubs game, he'd go, yeah. And I go, you take a bunch of red and a bunch of white, a bunch of together, what do you get, and he'll go, a mess. - We don't know. - Another color, as you put me together, he'll go, a slap jam. (laughing) He's like, he's having a favorite time, I go, no dad, what the cunt, and he goes, oh, that cunt is pink. - And he'll go, yeah, and then you go. - Let's play a fucking crazy ass game, and he'll go, what do you, everything you do is crazy. - You know, go, what animal makes this sound? (laughing) I'll fuck a monkey. - My brother's dying laughing. - That's fun. - My dad thinks. - He's laughing 'cause he did it, bro. - I'm doing the fucking monkey, I do it in the fucking pink. And he's getting that jumpy energy, I go, put the fucking words together, he go, pink, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, I'm like, no. - Say it. - Put it in your go, pink monkey. And my brother would go, oh, you got it. - That's so fun. - The three of us would die laughing. - That's what I know. - That's what I wanted. (laughing) That's what I wanted in his sibling. He was a partner in crime. - Comedically, because I finally got it with her. Where we go home, my mom will say shit, and I can like, look at Katie and be like, "It's so fun." - It's crazy. - And then it's like, I tell her on the drive back, always I'm like, I'm so good, I have you, 'cause it's so much better having someone like me. - It's a relief. - Yeah. - And it doesn't, what I learned for a while, 'cause then I was like, I know I'm mean, and I know I take my comedy too far, but I was like, I actually, my heart of heart, I don't think it's against these people. - No. - It's literally, it feels good. And then I would realize, it's not for others. Like, I can still-- - That's the best comedy. - It's just for us. - What? - And I'm like, that's where, but if you go back to our game, what I've got to at this point of my life is, that's acting now. I'm truly, I'm doing a press tour right now for the Dink July 24th. - Check it out on Apple TV. - Thank you so much. But the reality of it is, I love the movie. I'm doing the game. Because when those moments are happening, it's fucking joyful. - So when you're doing the Dink, and it's like, you know, you're playing like a tennis player that now goes into the world of pickleball, what do you practice tennis hard to? - I had to. - 'Cause you had to have a good swing. - So what happened on this one, which was different, is Sean, Roger Clemens with a T, Clemens, Clemens, how would you say Roger Clemens with a T? Clemens with a T? - Clemens, Clemsons. - Sean, this is what happens to me. So Sean is my actual friend for 15 years. He hosts Hollywood Handbook. He's one of the best comedy writers, and he's so funny. I refer to his name as Sean Clemens. C-L-E-M-E-N-T-E. Clemens. - Clemens. - Clemens, I was on a podcast. He goes, "What you're saying is really nice. "You're fucking saying my name wrong, you asshole." It's Clemens with a T. It made it so much worse. - Don't do that, 'cause now Clemens with a T is how I'm gonna say it every time. - So now, I come up with that. - That was formally, if I introduce you guys, he's Clemens with a T. - This is Sean Clemens with a T. - Like Roger Clemens with a T. - Roger Clemens with a T. - It's like the rocket with a T, with a T. (laughing) - Like with a T, Roger Clemens. - But he and I went out and got lunch, and it was pre-Presidential election. - Sure. - And he goes, "What are you looking to do?" And I was saying, "We were just talking about "where we're at in the game." And I said, "Honestly, man, I want to make something "light with a lot of set pieces." I go, "What I like about sitcoms is sometimes "you'd get to set and the premise is funny." - Yeah. - And you go, "Oh, the crew's laughing, "while we're reading the scene, "because the premise is just a classic premise." - Sure. - And you go, "It's just funny." Now we're gonna improvise and add stuff and add some heat to it. - Yeah. - But lately in the last few years, when I've gotten more into the drama comedy, right, you're like, "Sure." - There's not, we're gonna find something. - Yeah. - But it's not clean. - Yeah, you're not coming in going, the setup is making people laugh. - We are gonna be in a spot where we're winning from the start. - Sure. - And I go, "And I haven't had that, "and I think those are going away at my level." Dumanji's still happening. - Sure. - But they're spending whatever kind of, I was like, "How about a small budget indie "that they're set pieces and every scene "has a comedic presence with all funny people?" - Yeah. - And we're just going after bits, and then there's emotional heart in the middle, and he goes, "So what do you think?" He goes, "I gotta move out and work it on, "that Ben Stiller might be interested in producing." - Sure. - And I'm obviously a fan. - Yeah. - And I go, "What's it about?" He goes, "Pickleball. "What do you know about it?" I said, "Nothing." I don't care about it. He goes, "What do you think about tennis?" I go, "I don't care about it." He's like, "Well, he then told me the premise, "I'll give a spoiler, but it doesn't matter." But he said, "Basin real life, he used to play tennis, "he got hurt, his back, he wanted to get back to tennis, "where he started playing pickleball to get back to tennis." He went to a court in Beverly Hills, where there was these older women, like 75-year-old Asian ladies, and they asked him to play, "Who's really embarrassed?" 'Cause he used to play, I think, in college or high school, he was good. - Yeah. - And he was like, "It's okay." And one of the ladies, he could tell it was getting pissed off, and was like, "Please play." And he was like, "No, I'm just, "and he's like, play, and they killed him." - Really? - Because part of the game, when you first start, it's just all angles. - Yeah. - So, if you know where to hit the ball, you're just not gonna, it's a whiffle ball. - Sure. - So, he then got beat, and then these old women, who've never been able to do it, started talking shit. - Great. - And then, afterwards, they said, "Play with us again, "and then he started going out and getting coffee with him, "but then he started getting embarrassed, "'cause you got caught up in their lives, "and he was becoming friends with us." - That's fantastic. - And he was telling me, "I was like, all of this I love, "and then he goes, then I want to invent, you and one of them, "start having an almost will, they won't be." And I was like, "Really fun?" And then I'll give something away, 'cause this is what sold me. And he goes, "But then you decide, fuck the age." I'm in. - Yeah. - And I'm not scared no more, right? And I was like, "Fuck yeah." And he goes, "She's fucking awesome. "She's fucking hot. "We have Mary Steenberg. "Mary Steenberg is hot." - We're the best. - And it's like, "Don't land him dancing with us." - Yeah, great. - Without being beautiful. - She's a smokeshow. - Yeah. - And Sean and I were both laughing and he goes, "So then you make them move and she goes like, "No." And I go, "Why'd she say no?" And he goes, "You go, if it's about the age thing, "I'll screw you. "You 30 years now is it me who cares?" And then she goes, "I'm not sexually interested in you." - That's fair. - And I went, "Sean, I love this movie." - Yeah, you go, "Please love me." - I was like, "Okay." And then we started, we'll put it together. It was really indie. - That's very fun. And also, that's where comedies live now. - Yes. - comedies aren't gonna be able, 'cause you know, everything you're describing right now makes me think of that period with like role models. - A hundred. - And all that shit that would come out. - But that was a good setup. - And that type of movie. - Yeah. - Which was the movies I watched. Oh, those are what I wanna do. - Sure. - Somehow just disappeared. - Super bad, all these movies that just go, oh, a high school party, they need to get booze, that's a movie. - How about forgetting Sarah Marshall? How about-- - Unbelievable. A guy gets cheated on and he writes jingle, he writes some music. - Yeah. - Everybody who just comes in are comedic killers. - That's all there is. - That they come in for two days. - That's what it was. - And you know, and Apatow was great at this with 40-year-old virgin and not a girl. - Get him to the Greek, all these. - Get him to the Greek, but he would be like bringing Kevin Hart for knockup. - Yes, just come in for a scene. - Have that scene. - And so we want, and part of that is you gotta fucking shoot in LA or New York. - Yeah. - 'Cause you have to have people that are around. - A willing to drive over. - Yeah. - So Sean and we're like, let's put this together, keep the budget small, we got our other friend, Josh Green, Jake Zomanski was gonna direct it. - Sick. - Unbelievably talented dude. He got, he had to go back to jury duty too. - Right, I mean, that fucking first season was unbelievable. I don't know how they're gonna do it. - Yeah, the second season's funny. - They casted someone that I loved that I saw. - Ian Roberts? - Ian Roberts is great. There's someone else, what's her name? Elisa Gilroy. - Oh, Elisa Gilroy, so nice. - She's like one of the funniest people out there right now. She was on something where you go, oh hell yeah. But yeah, go do jury duty. - Go do your job. And then we got Josh Greenbaum, who's unbelievably talented. - So he came in, we had a group of friends, we made it independently, raised money, and then Apple came out, and now it, we're pushing it like it's a studio comedy, but it's actually a little indie. - I love that. And it's on Apple TV July 24th. This is the most sincere plug I've ever done on a podcast. (laughing) I think we've done a lot of that for ourselves. - Is that real? - Yeah, John will tell you, this is the most sincere plug we've ever done on a podcast. Because I genuinely was like, yeah. And then check out the day on July 24th on Apple TV. And you said I gotta go. - It's so, man. You can see the length of this fucking rocked into it But then you let me drive it off the lot and I'm gonna put you in it You know what I'm gonna put you in I'm gonna put you in a course again I'm gonna tell you why cuz it feels sporty Yeah, but you know you're not showy like you know what while we're here Why don't you get me a Tahoe for the lady? And I'm gonna give you a deal. It's gonna blow your fucking mind. Do Jake Jake Johnson one of the best one of the People working we're gonna just a dude that's had a like a career where you're like every time you pop up It's up then you're like this guy fucking rules so I'm so happy you're able to come through the podcast Yeah, I'm a big fan Dan the dink July 24th Apple TV you fucking rule. Thank you to me. What a pleasure