Liza Treyger Returns Again

(suspenseful music) Wave. Oh my God, I was just talking to someone. I wish I remember who it was, but they had to say no 15 times. I was like, "No, I'm having this." And they kept me like, "Well, that's okay. "I'll just do this." And they're like, "Oh, they had to say four times." - I'm so sorry. I don't know what you're saying. - I honestly, I started saying it, and then I realized, (laughing) I don't remember any of the details. (laughing) (upbeat music) - We're not talking shit, if it's their behavior, and I'm just discussing behavior, that's a Miley Cyrus quote. - Put that in the episode. (laughing) - Lisa, mic down, we're not talking shit, if it's your behavior, and I'm discussing your behavior. - Yeah, like if you fucked with my piece, why can't I tell people what you did? - Absolutely. - To protect you, I don't think so. - We can tell the truth. - You wrong me, I'll tell everybody. - We can tell the truth about what people do. No worries. - I'm telling everybody. - You really are. - Yeah, I can't shut up, and I cause problems all the time. I definitely caused a confrontation yesterday, and I was like, should I have not relayed the mess, but how do you not? - How do you not cause a confrontation? - How do you not let someone know? This person was, you know, trying to embarrass you, and I didn't like it. - You relate to a friend. - Well then I told my friend, I go, "I feel so bad, "I don't feel like I stood up for you enough, "and then our other third friend went." No, I don't think you need to worry about that. (laughing) The boundaries were set. But I don't know, I don't know. We're all trying our best. We are all trying our best. That's a beautiful perspective, please. (laughing) - But some people aren't. Some people's best isn't good enough. - That's true. - And that's the thing, too. - That's completely true. - Some people go, yeah, 'cause I used to play basketball, and I try it really hard. - What position? - Well, Soon Junior High played on four separate teams, and then when I was point guard, I knew it was gonna be a bad team. - Yeah. - When they said, "We need you to be point guard," you said, "This team's not gonna work." It was a failed project. - I don't even know if we're gonna get double digits today. I think it was tough. But I would play the three. - Yeah, nice. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. - I don't know why, but you talking about needing to be the point guard made me think of the fact that I've been watching this six-part series on the founding fathers. - Okay. - Boy, there was a lot of stuff I didn't know about what was going on. - Like what? - There was one of the guys at the Constitutional Congress. He was, I forget his name, but he had a peg leg, and he was like a playboy. And the big rumor about him was that, allegedly, he lost his leg in a carriage accident, but the rumor, his whole life, was that he actually lost his leg jumping out of a window because a woman's husband came home that he was sleeping with. And apparently, all the women were crazy for this peg leg guy. I also learned, by the way, that Benjamin Franklin, when we sent him to Paris to try and get the French to fight the British with us. - For sure. - Which makes a lot of sense. - No, I remember that. - When we sent him to Paris, I guess he was a total ladies' man, and everyone loved Ben Frank. - Obviously the founding fathers were getting fucked. You don't have the confidence to found a nation if you're not getting it in. Also, just imagine that you're a young French woman, and this revolutionary guy from America comes to town who's stately and speaks other languages. And, by the way, is actively fucking over the British, who you hate. I bet it was so hot. - And I think he was tall. - They called him Monterey Papa. (laughing) - Monterey Papa, I like that. - And then I went down to Google Hall, and I learned that there was a musical about Benjamin Franklin going to Paris, called Benjamin Franklin goes to Paris. (laughing) - Where are you watching us on? - Netflix. - Okay, go ahead. - Netflix, shout out. Shout out Netflix saying a little brother with John Cena and Eric Andre. Thank you guys for watching. Number one on Netflix for a very long time, thank you. - Yeah, I auditioned for a few roles. - Did you, which ones? - Me, of course. - Yeah, the girl that the love interest and then the nurse that gets fucked are fucks. - The nurse, oh yeah. - Wow, yeah. - Yeah, yeah. - 'Cause they call, I hate when they call to double check, and they go, "Are you fine with nudity?" And I went, "Absolutely." And then I had another audition where they're like, "Are you, 'cause it was a Botox injector?" And they call, and they're like, "Are you okay with needles?" I go, "For sure." Like they get, like I wish they didn't ask follow-up questions. - Yeah, yeah. They go, "Just make sure you're free on Tuesday, and you love $30,000?" - Yeah, I'm like, "Oh my god, yeah." - Can you go, "Yes to both." And they go, "Okay, cool." - Like, fuck. - Yeah, weren't you just sending nudes to the team? - Well, shh. - Yeah. - Sorry, sorry, we'll believe that. - We'll believe it, but yeah. I'm gonna be in-- - You were sending nudes to a TV producer. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. They picked me. I'm gonna be in this TV show, uncredited and not paid. But my fuck. (laughing) But I'm gonna be in the fandom, and hopefully I can rile up when the season comes out enough commotion that they'll maybe write me in for the next one, 'cause I know they're picked up for two more. - We gotta hold ya. - But yeah, and then they also like, yeah, they sent over panties. I had to do some stuff with a PA picked them up. It was like, really? - You had to do some stuff with some panties? - Yeah, but I was so creative. It was like good. - What did you creatively do with the panties? - I took folk, 'cause I didn't wanna wear them, but I wanted, like, if someone's gonna sniff panties, they should be felt like they've been used. - Yeah. - And so I kind of like put my legs in the air and had them like on my legs a little bit, but I have bruise knees at the moment, so it looks kind of hot. (laughing) - Why do you have bruise knees at the moment? - I'm in the streets. - Lisa. - Do you have bruise knees from giving head? - Well, I also, like, well, you know, I was crawling up the apartment stairs, and my building super caught me. (laughing) No, but I've also just been being injured. I hit like, the body. Sometimes I'm so excited to get into sole cycle that I'll like hit something. Like, I'll hit my knees on the pedals and stuff. Like, I'll like rush in there to get my weights and I'll hit, yeah, I like hit my knees. - There's so much to talk about. - But a few summers ago, I fell a lot, but yeah. - A few summers ago was not the thing that so talk about. You texted me recently and said, okay, first of all, let's just talk about what's occurred with you. - Okay, so he did rivalry changed my life, and we all know this, and it inspired me in many ways. I started reading. I started-- - Gotta be one of the craziest results, yeah. - I started Russian lessons, just enrichment. I'm trying to get out there, flirt, break free from my, whatever was holding me back from intimacy. I really hadn't been hooking up in years, I would say. - And I want to say, by the way, our whole friendship, this is something we've been talking about, working on, thinking through, strategizing about. - Yeah. - And then a couple weeks ago, I took you and our friend AJ, AJ Markeen, friend of the pod, to dinner, and at that dinner, you were unfucked. You were like, I've not fucked. I haven't fucked in years, whatever. - Yeah. - And then since that dinner, I've hooked up with-- Well, I've went on one date that didn't end in anything, but I've hooked up now five times in like a month, in a month. Yeah. (laughing) And not all from the internet. And the one person in Minnesota, just from the streets. But I was trying to make more eye contact. I was working on that in hypnotherapy. And so I was at a bar making eye contact with a guy, and then he started walking. I thought he was walking over to me, and then he walked right out of the bar. (laughing) But rejection shouldn't matter. That's part of everything. I think I had fears with that. So I've just been putting myself out there. I stop smoking weed all day every day, which kind of opened me up to the world in a better way, I think. - You haven't really been smoking weed in the sunlight, which I'm loving. - Yes. - I wake up. 'Cause I'll land from a trip and be like, wait, I would have been stoned this whole flight. I didn't even think about it. I would have smoked before I got into the Uber. I keep remembering. 'Cause sometimes I do hit a joint at the end of the night. And then I still have to appreciate the growth. 'Cause I'm like, I would be thinking about weed all day every day. - Yeah. - Yeah, so I've been having sex. I've been going out. And then of course, World Cup fever, which you're upset about. - Before we get into World Cup, because this is starting to ruin our relationship. - But it's almost done, but. (laughing) - It needs to stop. Your lust for life gets to a point. Your lust for life is so beautiful to me, and I love it about you. And then there'll be a random three-week period where you're obsessed with something that's ruining my life. 'Cause I can't see you because you're like, Caleb, I'm so sorry. There's a Czechoslovakian, like slinky tournament that I've been following. And so I can only hang out from 7 p.m. to 8 p.m. - I am going to Monte Carlo at the end of the month. - For what? - I'm playing in the World Championships of Backgammon in the intermediate and women's division. (laughing) I have a lesson with the Grandmaster this week. He sent me the book. He owns the tournament, so he is waving the fees. - Yeah. - 'Cause he wants me there. (laughing) It's another job, my agent. So can you just find a job that's gonna pay? 'Cause I'm not getting paid for this, but I get to go. - I wouldn't call it a job even. - I'm gonna record some stuff, but yeah. - Yeah, 'cause we're hopefully gonna make a, we're gonna do a short and then hopefully get funding to do a full-length future doc of me getting ready for the next year's World Championships. - Okay. - But I've been playing Backgammon my whole life. - Okay, I didn't know that. - Oh, yeah, I've been playing my whole life, but I'm mostly just in the home. And then I've been going to a couple club nights and then there's a Backgammon bar. I still live in like, hit up, but I think I might find true love there. And then I've been playing online, but I was watching soccer alone Friday night at a bar and a girl had a Backgammon set in her purse. - Oh my god. - Talked a big game, but I obviously beat her immediately three-seer in one round. And then I was like, "Do you wanna play again?" And she said no and put it away. (laughing) - But I wanna play with better people, so yeah. But I still have a few weeks till I get ready. - So basically-- - The winner, Liz. I'll be in Monicarlo. - Right, you will be in Monicarlo. - Yeah. - Basically back to the other point, which is that we went to this dinner. - Yeah. - And then you texted me maybe a couple of days later and said, "I hooked up with a guy from field. He made me crawl up the stairs of my building." - I loved it. - And I did not like the crawling. - I like love it. - That really upset me. - No, I've been like mad at all my hookups since then. 'cause no one gonna make me crawl. (laughs) (laughing) - Oh my God, these losers. But the first guy is obviously like a maniac with this last guy. He commented on some of the stuff around my apartment 'cause I was thinking after my first hook, I'm like, he hasn't commented on any of my art or knick-knacks. Like that's so annoying. And then this guy did it. - He doesn't like you, he made you crawl. - Yeah, I know. But this guy, he's like, oh, I like those sharks. And I go, oh, I like you complimenting my stuff. He's like, oh, I could do that for you. So after we hooked up, he like walked around my apartment and told me everything he liked and I like walked around. - That is your dream. - That's actually something you want me to do when I come over, yeah. - Yeah, and everyone's texted me afterwards. So I like that. That feels nice. - Oh, all the guys have texted you afterwards. - The next day. And then hopefully I could fuck a girl soon. It's just harder. - Is it harder to fuck girls? - Yeah, men are a lot easier. - I do, that I do believe. - Men are so easy to fuck. - That I do believe. It's been my experience. - Yeah, I mean, you're one of my icons in this. I have a few gay men in my life that are coaching, training, sending me in barracks, where to meet, what to do. And that's been really nice. - Well, it's a beautiful, I think, I feel really, I feel weirdly accomplished that you're in this era. I feel like something I've been working on for years. - For years. - I feel like I've really been in-- - 'Cause that must be annoying, like listening to someone complain about the same thing for a long time without improvement, but yeah. - Not knowing at all. - Yeah. - No, I'm just excited to see you out there. And I feel a little bit like your back, him and grandmaster or whatever the fuck his name is. - Oh no, he's married, and I hope he doesn't cheat on his wife. - I'm so sorry, I meant that I feel like a coach to you. - Oh, yeah. (laughing) - Not that I want you to fuck the back game and guy at all. Sorry, no, I was talking about a different thing. Drawing parallels. - No, you've coached me a lot. And then the next, the final frontier will be like asking someone out in the wild. - Yeah. - Yeah, so that'll be like you. - Crazy to think that that comes after crawling, but I love it. - Well, the worst is my building super catching me. I'm like, why are you doing work this late at night? - It caught you crawling? He caught me outside my part and went out of, sometimes he ignores me on the streets. And this time he went out of his way to make sure that he, to say hello. - You were mid crawl? - I was like, yeah, I was. - And what did he, did he have to like sneak past you? Was he like, oh, he's got a, I can't believe this happened, but I was, I'm like this unit, and he was up the stairs leaving that unit. And I just, he went, hi. And I turned around with my dangling. And I went, hey. Then I went, my door is fast. - While your hands are knees. And he went, hey. - And then I stood up and opened my door. And shuffled this little degenerate in there. - Do you think there's any chance there's cameras in the building and he's been seeing you do the crawls? - No, because you know I've complained about other things and there hasn't been evidence. I know where the cameras are. - I'm certain you've complained about other things. - Yeah, but I helped the building. And if it wasn't for me, no one would get their packages. I'm there buzzing people in, opening the door for Amazon guys. I don't see them at the coffee shop. I'll run out, I'll be like, I'll get you in there. - Yeah. - I'm like, make sure everyone gets stuff. But if things are broken and I like, I get involved. - Yeah, of course. Do you like a community manager in that way? - I try to, but also one of my hookups, my neighbors were outside smoking weed. So then they were like, get it girl. And then the next day we got to recap at the coffee shop and so that felt so cute. They were like, oh my god, what happened? And so I really liked that too. - I crawled, I crawled. - No, this guy that was the nicer, the nicer one. - Are we complimenting my sharks? - Yeah, he complimented my stuff. And like cared. But that, the guy with the crawling, we fucked for like three and a half hours. - Really? - Yeah. - That's completely beautiful. - Yeah. - And it was my first time in a year. Like I really went full force. - Yeah. - And then now I've been pulling back. - I'm seeing a guy tonight that we didn't talk for a long time 'cause I hit him up, we like, we used to hook up regularly. - Yeah. - And he's really cool and I like him and we would hang out before and after and like, he's a fun guy. And I texted him and he didn't respond. I texted him like midnight and was like, do you wanna come over? That's what we do. And he didn't respond to me for like three days. And so I texted and I was like, hey, sorry if I, if you didn't want me to text you at night or something, it's not like you're not text back. Just wanna make sure you're okay. And he was like, hey, I'm so sorry. I'm okay, I just started seeing somebody. And I was like, well, cool, we can still be friends or whatever. And he was like, yeah, I think I'm just gonna kinda like focus on this thing. And I was like, totally cool. And then he hit me up recently. So I guess the thing has ended. But I'm seeing him tonight again for the first time in a long time and I'm very excited. - Okay. And how long ago was that midnight text? - Like maybe two, three months? - Oh, okay. I'm where are you meeting? - I purchased my house. - Okay. - Yeah, I'm excited. - Yeah. - It's gonna be fun. But yeah, it's fun. - Well, I was. I did tell, you know, 'cause some people have been invested in my journey. So I see Ian Laura, he's, you know, fun guy. And he's, and I go, guess what? You'll be so proud of me. I'm gonna hook it. And he goes, I'm actually like worried for your safety. It seems like you're kind of like really going hardcore. Like, are you sure? And I go, well, no, Sydney has been tracking me and I text her before and after. So she knows I'm safe. He goes, Sydney's not gonna help you. Because that's not the person that you should be having as your emergency contact. - Sydney's in the house eating candy. She's not. - Not responding. - She's not gonna be coming to your location. - No. - Yeah. - Yeah, but it's been a whole new world. It just feels different. - I'm really excited. I also, you talk to me. - And I've been going to plays concerts, dinners. I've been taking nights off. I'm not doing seven spots a night for another reason. I'm really like, yeah, it's been cool. - Night off is really huge. I'm proud of you. - Well, because you know my hypnotherapist definitely was like, hey, you need a real therapist. I can't really handle you alone. And so I was at a deep dark depression maybe two months ago, but it seems like fun sailing from here. - Also, you talking about like your neighbors being outside smoking when you hook up, come over and then debriefing at the downstairs coffee shop in the morning. I'm like, they're really, I don't ever want to cross into the territory of being someone who's like, life is only special in New York. I don't believe that. - Yeah. - It's the vestige of community living that exists in New York that like, is barely happening in the rest of the country. - Oh, I walked in-- - It's happening, some places, but it's barely. - No, I walked in my coffee shop yesterday, I unfortunately have been staying out till three, four in the morning. So I was so hungover, they could tell, and they went, sit down, and I got a beer, a glass bottle of seltzer and ice coffee just in a row. - You got a beer in the morning. - Yeah, I needed it. I needed it 'cause I had to be, I just started working at 11, so I needed a jolt back. - Yeah. - You know, when you're only sleeping three, four hours, you're not feeling, yeah. - You see, there is judgment right now. I feel it. - I don't know. - I don't know how to come off like a loser when I say this and I know that, but morning beer is gonna go ahead and be a red flag for me. - But with the seltzer and ice coffee. - That doesn't change anything for me personally, but I'm also not a drinker, so I understand maybe, if you were shaky and you needed to even-- - A shaky-- (laughing) (laughing) - Definitely not shaky. - Yeah. - She's the only one before I can drive or whatever, I guess that's-- - I wasn't even thinking about it. I was just going on for ice coffee. The employees, they set me up. - Oh ho. The employees were like, "Mam, you have to have a beer, man." - Yeah. - Do you know what this reminds me of, is when I was interning in New York for the first time, I had these, we had high school students that lived in these dorms and we like put them to bed every night and we're like, go to your room, don't come out until the morning. And if they snuck out, they got kicked out of the program because it's New York City and they're from foreign countries and it's unsafe. And they're also children. And we had two kids come back really drunk one night and we were like, "Hey, so obviously you wreak of booze and you're extremely drunk." And they were like, "We have never had a drink." And we were like, "You're extremely drunk." And then finally they admitted that they were drunk and we were like, "Why, what happened? Why, where did you go? Where did you get alcohol?" And they were like, "Ontnestly, we did not want a drink, a homeless person forced us to drink." Like he made us drink alcohol even though we didn't want to and we were really scared because we don't know about homeless people. And we were like, "Hey, so those are like some of the most like marginalized people in society." - And they're not sharing their business. - They're not sharing their booze and they did not force you to get drunk and that's a really evil thing to say. And then they started weeping and they were like, "Hey, we did it." They were like, "So we're like, it's fine. You're just going home, that's all, like to relax." - Yeah, but you know, you don't know what happens in their home. - These are rich kids. What happens in their home is that the parents are not surprised they got kicked out for drinking. I would imagine. Maybe they get hit, I don't know. - There was, I was underage trying to get booze and we gave a poorer person. I don't know where he lived, maybe at the shelter, but like not crushing it. But we gave him money to buy us vodka and a mixer and he came out with like a two liter of RC cola and then a little flask of pop off vodka and it's like the diff, we wanted the opposite. - Maybe a can of soda in a handle. - But I was like, he scammed us and good for him. - He good for him in a big way. - Good for him and I hope he got all the booze he wanted. - I sure hope he did. Honestly, I'm so in support of, there was an unhoused guy in Manhattan recently. I was seeing a friend show and I was outside and he goes, we're like right next to Bodega. And he goes, he's asking everybody, can you get me something? Can you get me something or can you give me cash? And he goes, hey brother, can I get some cash? And I go, I don't have any cash on me, but if you want, I can grab you something to eat and drink. And he goes, he goes, yeah, yeah, that'd be good. And I go, okay cool, I'll just hop in here. What do you want? He goes, no, no, come down the block. I like this one better. He didn't want me to go to that one day. - But why wouldn't he stand next to the one he wanted? - For sure, I was like, that's really fucking annoying. - Did you do that with him? - Yeah, he was like, okay, so we went to his Bodega. And then I went in and I was like, what do you want? He was like, hot coffee and ice cream. And I was like, for sure, that's not substantive at all, but sounds good, I would probably want the same. So I go in, I get him a hot coffee, I get him, I forget what kind of ice cream he'd ask for, but they didn't have it. And I got him something else and I come out and he goes, he goes, that's not the ice cream I asked for. And I was like, I know they didn't have the kind you asked for. And he was like, they always have the kind I asked for. And I go, then come in here with me and get it. And he goes, I'm not allowed in there. And I was like, all right man, then you have to eat this fucking ice cream. I don't know what to tell you. And he was like, all right, have a good night. - I get it, they have so little control in their lives. - Totally, I would be so fucking rude if I was almost. - Yeah, it actually turned one of my friendships ones because someone said, yeah, have you ever given a homeless person something and they don't want it? It's like maybe you're not hungry enough and I went, or maybe they're like lactose intolerant. like I, I. They're allowed to still have like dietary restrictions. - Or even just interests or like whatever. And I really haven't looked at this person the same. - Homelessness is actually like one of the great. Like you learn more about your friends that you didn't expect to when homelessness comes up than almost anything. It's very rare that a friend come, you find out they're like a secret racist or something. That's very rare. But it's pretty often that someone you think you know will be like, oh yeah, almost people are vermin. You're like, what the fuck? It's so, yeah, it's really crazy. It happened once in Seattle where I was doing bumper shoot and a girl was giving. - You're giving what? - Oh, it was like a festival, sorry. (laughing) - Like what the fuck are you talking about? - I think they went under, but I got to see ludicrous that year and blondie. It was like pretty fun. - They went bumper. - But on the way out, someone was giving a homeless person a nature valley and he was rejecting it and she started screaming at him. And then another friend had to get involved and be like, he doesn't have teeth. Like that's a hard bar. You know what I mean? - You can't gum the nature valley. - That's when I learned that lesson. Like I guess I never thought about that either, but so everyone has to learn, but like for your instinct, so be. - Well I learned this in high school. - Have you seen pursuit of happiness? Like I don't get it. - In high school when we volunteer, like we would do like a volunteer thing with the food pantry and they would always have to be like, please stop bringing the same fucking three items. People that need food, do not need box mac and cheese and fucking. - Yeah. - Pumpkin, canned pumpkin. They would keep bringing canned pumpkin. - Oh, it even gets worse than that. I do volunteer at that New York City food bank and during Thanksgiving you have to go through all the donations because people are crazy. Expired two years, five years. Like just expired cans. - Yeah. - And I don't get that in seeing, it's really strange. It's really strange. I don't love it. - Something positive is happening in my life right now that I'd like to share with you. - What? - I figured out breakfast. - Okay. - Yeah, I figured out breakfast. - I wanna say one more thing about the homelessness. - That's okay. - Have you seen Whoopie Goldberg's SVU episode? - I was kind of done talking about it, but now I'll get back to it. Whoopie Goldberg has an SVU episode? - Yeah, season 17. - Oh yeah, where she runs the shelter? - Yeah, no, well she's like bat, but she has this moment on the stand and it is just chilling and I think about it all the time. - What happens? - It's basically like she works at child protective services and flopped and like a child dies because of her. So, but then she goes, "How dare you blame me?" When all you do is walk around and ignore the like horrors of the world and pretend it doesn't exist and then throw all of that at fucking me. And it's just, I'm getting chills talking about it. Like she's just, it's such a good actor and it's such a good monologue and I think about it a lot. - Isn't there a show right now called The Whoopie Monologues or The Whoopie? - I don't know. - There's like a live show, like a Broadway show or something. - Oh. - The Whoopie, something, some things. Whoopie monologues, we should go together. - She's still my favorite Oscar host. I would love that. - Let's go. - Yeah, wait, but tell me about breakfast. - And? - Oh my god, I'm feeling electric about it. I, breakfast has been a long, terrifying situation in my life. - Oh. - Hey, breakfast. - My favorite meal. - I have never liked it and I can never get myself to do anything for it. And I finally figured out breakfast and here's what's been really working for me. Okay, multi-grain toast with peanut butter and cut up bananas, electric. Multi-grain toast with peanut butter and cut up bananas is electric to me. I'm really, really, really loving it. Also, three to four slices of turkey bacon. - Okay. - Wow. Loving it, electric, completely awesome. Doesn't make my stomach hurt. It makes me feel really full. And then either some eggs or a big bar. Really, or also orange juice and coffee. - And how are the eggs? - A lot of coffee. Eggs, it kind of depends. I'm always trying to do over medium. I'm usually ending up with scrambled. - Okay, 'cause I fuck it up. - Okay. - Yeah, I try to flip it and it's like, well now we're doing scrambled. - So you're cooking. - But this is the thing, it's like, this has been my big barriers. I've always been like, cooking is too much of an event. It needs to be like a Saturday where I have the afternoon off or something. - No, yes, sure. I realize I don't even have plates. I got a little microwave celestial pizza for nostalgia. And I had to put it on a plastic lid for a bowl I had. And it obviously melted. I ate plastic last night. - You realized you don't have plates. - 'Cause usually I had paper ones, but I've run out. And then I was like, oh, I don't even have a plate in my whole apartment. I open every drawer. I had no plates. But I don't have room. I don't buy me plates. I don't want plates. (laughing) Don't send me a plate. I'm not ready to live that life, but it was crazy. - You're not ready to have plates? - I just don't have a room. - I know. - Well, the thing is, you get mad at me when I talk about your apartment, but then you constantly bring up things that make me-- - I actually brought it up to them before you got here. - That I was gonna talk about the apartment. - No, that you hate it so much. - I want you to live better than that. I don't like you in that apartment. It really stresses me out. - I'll get a bigger unit one day. - I just want you to, I'm like, okay, you love the neighborhood. Let's move anywhere within two to three blocks. There's gotta be a good apartment somewhere over there. - I know, I just love it. - I really don't like it. It makes me really stressed out. - The tub was having issues, but the plumber came and it fixed immediately, so that was nice. - What was the issues with the tub? - Just the wasn't draining as quickly as I would like. - Well, that's not a big deal actually. - Yeah, yeah. - Oh, yeah, I don't want you in that apartment anymore. I really don't like it. And now to hear that you don't have a room for plates, it's like obviously extremely distressing. - Yeah. (laughing) - Like too many commemorative mugs and glasses that I don't drink or use because they're commemorative. - I know, you live a trinket heavy lifestyle. You live an extremely trinket-laden lifestyle. - Yeah, but I have a new bookshelf you haven't seen yet and it's organized really beautifully. - Really? - Yeah. - Like color or by a title? - Well, it's by vibes. - Okay. - And 'cause there's other stuff and then some books are over there, but like I stack the, it's like, it's more visual than, yeah. - Yeah, okay. - I support this, you know I'm moving. - No. - I got a new apartment, I'm moving. - You're really moving constantly. - That is true, and I'm trying to stop. - Are you not sick of it? - Of course I'm sick of it. I mean, I don't look, do I do much of it anymore? - Wait, are you gonna have a final rager on the patio? - No, I don't think so, sorry, no. - What about it just like a game night? - Sure, you can come over for a game night, please. - I wanna say bye to the space. (laughing) - We have to come over this weekend. - It's happening this fast. - I'm moving next Wednesday. - I might be going to Fire Island this weekend as well, it's a whole thing, Boen is inviting me. - Which is an exciting thing. - I love Boen, I'm so excited to be invited. Joshua Sharpe will be there. - Yeah, I enjoy him. - Josh Sharpe is one of the most special people we have. I actually just the other day got served in my Instagram feed, an old clip of Josh on the podcast where we were talking about randomly, we both have straight guy fans, and Josh is so fucking quick. I said, Josh, what do you think these straight guys get from us? What do you think that they get from being fans of ours? Split second, he goes, head from their girlfriends. (laughing) - And the sixth thing is I knew exactly what he said. I'm a fan, I'm a scaleless fan. - I know you did, I'm a scaleless fan. - How you keep up with, you're not a scaleless fan until you start fighting. Do not call yourself a scaleless fan when you got men marching you up the stairs on your hands and knees. - I know, I did hook up with a girl in Sacramento in February, but no sex. - What does that mean? - Just a hook up in the green room, they were just too big of a fan and they knew too much about me, and so it was just a little bit uncomfortable. - Some of my favorite hookups have been green room hookups. - Yeah, but we did get to hook up in the green room, and I like that. - I didn't hook up in the green room at all of the straight ball I perform in, you know? - You before, you hooked up in the parking lot as well. - Just a little, yeah. - Just like kissing, or she was touching your stuff. Or you were touching her stuff. - I was such a, yeah, there was like a hit action, but I just think it's like you listen to every podcast someone, you can't also see like my pussy. It's like too much for me. - I don't have rules like that. - You know, I know, that is why you're my grandmaster. (laughing) I'm trying to learn, I'm trying to be more out there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. - I've been with a fan this weekend. (laughing) - Set it up. - Already in Fire Island, you've set up the bus. - You don't know before I go to Fire Island. - He's gonna be in New York and I said, come on over. - Yes. - We're gonna drink first. - Yes. - You drink first. - Okay. - Where are you moving in same neighborhood or different neighborhood? You don't have to say. - Different neighborhood. - I don't want to be moving. - What do you want? - Yeah, well, I am traveling. - But I low key think that my building might have mold and I think it might be the reason I'm getting strapped every month. Now, I struggle. - I heard you can get it from sucking dick. - You can get it from eating ass. - I'm sucking dick. - You can get, that's not as big of a deal, but I, in my life, but I-- - I got it. I was like, you know, I do know someone that just got suck dick strapped. - Dude, the most recent time that I got, that I have strapped right now. And the strapped I have right now, don't worry, I'm not contagious. I'm on the antibiotics. The strapped I have right now, I got six hours after I really diligently ate someone's ass. - Wow. - I think it's related. I also think it might be the mold in my building. I floated both of these things to the ENT and she was like, I don't really think either of them are. She's like, I think you have big tonsils and they need to be taken out. And I was like, okay, well, what if I eat ass less diligently and get near a purifier? And she was like, I guess you could do that. I just don't think, I don't know that that's gonna solve it. And I was like, all right, what am I to try it? How long are you gonna put off? Like how many more times will you get strapped before you do the surgery? - They really like for you to have it seven times in a year before you get the surgery. That's like the medical threshold. You can get it before that if you want. - And where are you at? - I am on number four or five. - And how long does it take you out? - It is some of the most harrowing and excruciating three days I ever have. It's really, really bad. (upbeat music) Folks, this episode is brought to you by Hinge. Did you know that nearly eight out of 10 people looking to find dates and connections turned to friends and family for dating help? We all know how important it is for your friends to like the person you're dating. And Hinge is here to help them get involved early on to make sure you're matching with the right people. Friends take, let's the people who know you best submit a short take for you to put on your profile. By text, force note, photo or video. And there's no need for them to have the Hinge app to submit a take. We had a friend of mine anonymously, a few takes for me. And they said he's a very good kisser. He always picks up the check and great legs. Who did those? It was me. I did. Okay. Well, there goes the anonymity. Michelle, do you want to do a friend's take for me? Um, friend take about Caleb is that he is an incredible driver and is an intellectual. All right. Take, take the microphone back. Thank you so much, Michelle. I was kind of, all right. Um, hinge gets that, that gets that dating has never been a solo act. Your friends and community have always been part of it. Friends take is about making it easier to bring those voices to life and into your actual dating experience. Tryhenge's new feature friends take, send your link to the group chat and let the people who know you best do the talking. Folks, let me tell you about our pals over at Quince. Quince is all about fewer better pieces. 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All you have to do is download the built app then link any creditor debit card to the app so purchase it while your local spots become even more rewarding. We love rewards and for the homeowners out there, built works for more you just do. Your housing payment is one of your biggest monthly expenses so why wouldn't you want to earn points on it? Download the built app and join the membership for where you live. At joinbuilt.com/sotrue. That's j-o-i-m-b-i-l-t.com/sotrue. Use our link so they know we sent you. And what are the positive features of this new place? The positive features are I don't think it has mold. It very well could. I really, really hope that it doesn't. Mold is so insidious and scary and you don't really know about it. You just kind of get sick slowly. I don't think it has mold. It's really close to some things that I like that I'll tell you about off camera, I guess. It also is way bigger. I'm going to have a guest room again. Nice. I avoided having a guest room for a long time because I struggled with saying no to people. I've gotten way better at that so now I feel comfortable having a guest room again. Yeah. Oh my god. I was just talking to someone I wish I remember who it was but they had to say like no 15 times. I was like no I'm having this and they kept me like well that's okay I'll just do this and they're like oh no like they had to say like four times. I'm so sorry I don't know what you're saying. I honestly I started saying it and then I realize I don't remember any of the details. But I can't push things. What you said to me was I was talking to this person who I remember who it was but they had to say no like 15 times. And I'm like I don't understand who to whom about what? No I know I know. In what context? No I know. I know like they let a friend stay and then that friend told people oh yeah they let anyone stay. And so then someone hit someone hit them up and they're like well no not anyone it was just you but that other person wouldn't take no for an answer. And it was like how embarrassing. Yeah I know that doesn't happen with me. No I think I think people listen to you. Yeah I don't like that kind of stuff. That would not be nice. I mean you texted me last time I went to dinner and said you better dress nice and I did. I put on a new dress and I think I healed. Oh my god I texted you and AJ I was like I was like joking like you guys better not show up looking bad or something. Yeah but you know that's what I'm sexually into. So I listen to immediately. I wasn't trying to turn you on. Because the guy that made me crawl also told me what to wear on the day and I liked it. I had no idea what sexual to you. No you never do. I wasn't trying to get you dressed in with facial hair today and I went oh wow. Yeah you said I think we could do something really special. When you saw my little scribble. Yeah. Some people don't like it. Some people are writing to me on Instagram and saying she shave it. I'm gonna throw up. What the fuck I feel like most of your people are positive. What does this negativity they have towards you? There's a lot of negativity towards me. It's mostly positive though. I'm cool with it. But I like more when people are like your facial hair is hot. I want to sleep with you. That's the cooler way to talk to me. Yeah yeah yeah. Don't ever talk to me in a different way than that. That's the best way to talk to me. Number one way to talk to me got to be positive. Well I like the guy that you said was just like hey I'm a fan like your work. Can I suck your dick? And like you were like pledge of allegiance. And we have had a beautiful friendship since then. Really? Yeah we I talked to him yesterday. Great guy. Great salt to the earth. Really really good guy. I love his work. Beautiful, beautiful young man. Lotta. Lotta beautiful qualities and features. I just love him. I think the world of him I wish the best for him. Yeah. He deleted Grindr because of because you're in his life. No no no no. He deleted Grindr and he texted me don't worry you're still on the roster and I said oh well I'm not worried about that. Oh so exciting. So exciting. Yeah. I'm gonna get a roster. Yeah I need to ask someone out in the world in person. Do you want to practice? I get a roster. I know. It can be fun. We did it. We've done it on the show before. What do you mean? We've done role play on the show before. Okay okay. It can be a really healthy exercise. Okay how about this? I'm your soul cycle instructor. Get up girls. Come on. Well you know I'm going through well now going through a hard time right now. What? Because Taylor Swift had an ice detention center owner at her wedding. So I do know that. I covered the sticker on my phone. In her defense there's no one she didn't have at her wedding. Besides Blake Lively I think the only reason she invited so many people is to make sure Blake Lively and Kelly Teller knew how disliked they were. Kelly Teller. Miles Teller's wife they were best friends for a while too. Okay yeah I think you're a little deep on this stuff. Yeah no my algorithm is new to me. It's only been one day of not listening to Taylor Swift. Yeah so you're getting a new algorithm now? Not yet but there's still but I think but I think yeah it's really crazy how many people were there but the ice detention center really like upset me. I know you're really upset about this because you offered to give away your cardigans in a text in AJ. Yeah. You said if either of you guys want my Taylor Swift cardigans I'm done with her. Yeah. Yeah. It's really tough. That's a big statement from a girl like you. I know I might keep one of them with a 1989 one is so beautiful. You said it's such a good one. No. It has seagulls on the back. Do you oppose ice or not? I oppose ice so yeah it's like the homeless stuff if you don't believe in like free lunch for kids and if you're into privatized prison I just like those are my hard lines. Those are just my hard lines. I can get down with a lot of other stuff but I can see a lot of different perspectives on a lot of things but those I can't. Yeah. Children should everyone should eat. Yeah. I've been saying. Everyone should have access to food and no one should make a profit off prison. I've really fully agree with you. You know you've got a friend in me. Yeah and I can't believe. But if you have a thousand people at your wedding like do you kiss and say hi to everyone? Like I do wonder how many people you do say hi to. I think you kind of treat it like a show like you wait until everyone see that you go out you do the thing and then you leave through a back door. You don't think that she danced with her friends. I'm kidding I'm sure she did. Okay. Yeah. Are you still writing to Luigi? Um no well I he actually had some hearing I don't know if he pled guilty or not. There's um there's some stuff happening on I think one of the levels but they're not they're not even to pick the jury till 2027 now it's like really fucked up. And then he's just in jail this is not right. No and like that's why he's a right to a speedy trial. I know. So what you think putting guilty's on the table? It has been on one of the things because people have been DMing me but I've just been so busy with the world cup that I haven't been able to function in other ways of life. Yeah I know. Training but I don't know what you're mad. I mean also Kansas City is a big part. Kansas is a huge part. They're hosting Algeria. It's been beautiful. It was beautiful. To have Algeria. I loved the people in Lawrence talking about it. I don't like how unavailable you become when you find a new obsession. But you could join me. I'm not watching soccer. I have had to draw the line out of soccer games. I got really into the next. I have been a team player. Yeah. I'm drawing the I'm drawing the line of the world. I had so much fun with the next I was in time square. I know you were. I was in the I was in Chinatown. I wasn't it fun. It was electric. I totally loved it. The World Cup. I just can't. It's a stone too far. It's too much. I also do look here's the reality. New York just had in in thousands of years when humanity is like almost done and aliens are here and we're coexisting, they will tell stories about June 2026 in New York City. - Yeah. - They will still be talking about June in New York City in 2026. We had a beautiful electric magnetic month. - And you wanted to end. - I am so tired. July needs to be a period of rest, shame, reflection, and reprioritizing, frankly. And I can't add a new bandwagon sports obsession to my plate at the moment due to everything that went down in June. - Yeah. - I see that until the sun rose multiple times in June. That's not the kind of guy I am. Okay, I'm like the little fucking gay folks on the boat. - No, I was gonna pull back and then I saw someone go, it only happens once every four years. We got a lean in and I went, you're right. And so I went in harder. - The World Cup? - I didn't know it only happened every four years. - Yeah, and it was so fun. So I watched, I caught the Morocco game on an outdoor TV outside of a weed shop. Like on my walk, they had outdoor TV. So I was like, oh, I'll stand and watch this game for a little bit. So New York, the Halal Kart guy, I would see him lock it up, run, watch a little bit, and then at commercial run back, getting his car. And I was like, this is the best city in the world. - It was really cool. And then I was at a bar for like nine hours. Yeah, well, Team Mexico, but yeah, an outdoor way. And I've been collecting McDonald's has been having a lot of World Cup stuff. So I've been collecting those items as well. - Yeah, okay. I'm really happy for you in some ways. I just, I don't want it to affect my time. - And it has it, you've really rejected every offer. I've given him. (laughing) You've been outward with your disgust, of course. - Not disgust, I just, I think, yeah, I want to see you in a different context than that. - But I also like the gay kissing. Like, I like how much they touch. There was one guy. - They were kissing. - Well, no, one guy got injured, and another guy from another team while he was like down there kissing him right here on the back of the neck. They jump into each other's arms or giving each other piggyback rides. I'll start sending you the gay stuff. And so like, now I'm about to start reading some soccer smut, because I am like, and then this, the reason Saturday is gonna be so huge is because the main hot blonde from Norway, he actually plays in England, so he's about to play against his best friend and all of his friends, so that's gonna be like huge. But him and that best friend, like, they protect the goalies. And so like, he'll, they like, like one of them is doing an interview and the other one kisses him on the cheek. Like, I just like seeing men kiss, and they do it in soccer. - Yeah, I also like seeing men kiss. - And then there's like, the new McDonald's cup, I got with the guy from Spain, he has a little brother who's really cute. Like, I'm into all of these stories as well. - Yeah. - So it's not even about the game. It's not really focused on the action of the game. - I do know that you're gonna find ways to make it an entire, like, cinematic universe. I do know that, I know that you find the stories, and I love that about you. - And there's a lot of corruption, of course, and then Cabo Verde, I mean, there are tiny, I led half a million people there. They got their players on LinkedIn. People were ignoring their messages thinking it was spam. Like, one guy plays second string, and they, they're about, they changed everything. - How did they change everything? - Well, tourism's gonna go up. Like, people know where Cabo Verde is. Like, that's huge. - Yeah. - But also, it's, like, new small countries are included in this World Cup that have never been before, thinking they would be easy prey. And instead, this goalie, at 40 years old, at his first World Cup, went head to head with Spain Block 27 goals. Spain had possession of the ball, 75% of the game. He went head to head with Messi, who's the greatest in the world. And they're like, I was watching him as a fan. Like, after the game, they all took selfies with, like, they couldn't believe he blocked Messi's shots. Like, it's like playing against Michael Jordan and like, going toe to toe and making him nervous. Like, it was, and you know, to have the whole world cheer for a tiny place of people that play in club leagues. They're not even professional. They're not even professionals. And now they can have careers. Their country's gonna have like, so much money and tourism. It's like, cool. And they're gonna get fucked. They're gonna be getting fucked. They're gonna work. - Did they win? - No. (laughing) - But-- - But tourism's up, baby. - But they did win overall with the store. And now, hopefully, they're gonna start training. So now they're gonna be a competitor. They're a country of like, yeah, so small. But they won in spirit and in inspiration. And the fact that they even made it to the next round, no one saw that coming. No one saw that coming. But also just like this hot guy who's 40, just like blocking these shots. It was just, yeah, it was nice. - Well, what else are you thinking about? What else is going on with you? - Well, I'll talk about breakfast as well. We can go back to that. - God. - Are you doing breakfast? You have 80,000 minutes ago. Are you doing breakfast? - I love eggs. It is probably in my top five favorite foods. I love eating eggs. - How are you doing them? - I will, I like them when they're like, fucking gooey as fuck with little post toast points. I'll do egg and cheese. I'll do over easy, over medium poached. I don't give a fuck. Benedict and a burrito. Hard boiled with a little salt. I love eggs. - I wanna start, I wanna start making jammy eggs. - Yeah, I would never, again, I'm not making any of this. I would never do that. But. - There's this restaurant in Ken's city that I love called Chewology. That has these like Asian, it's basically an Asian devil dig. It is so fucking good. I think about all the time. - With a chili crisp. - Shout out to Chewology. Yeah, you can get chili crisp on the side. But it's like fried onions and like it's so fucking good. - Oh, I was just in Houston. Their art museum is incredible. If you're ever there, the modern, I cried so many times. I've been crying a lot more since I stopped smoking weed. The motions are so big. - Yeah. - But they have a Michelin star restaurant in there and I had like a devil dig with a row on it. I was so fucking there. - What have you been crying about? - Just the beauty of the paintings, the colors, like thinking about like them inventing these colors. And like, I don't know who works at the Houston Museum, but the placards were gorgeous. Like well written, beautiful quotes. And I just couldn't believe that my life brought me accidentally to some of the most beautiful art that's ever been created. And then I'm having a Michelin star meal. They're like, are you celebrating something? I don't even know what I was gonna be here today. Just being alive. - I was gonna go to CVS. Like that was my plan for the day. My plan was I forgot soap. And so I was like, I need to go buy soap and maybe I'll hit the elliptical and go to the pool and then I was like, wait. And then 10 minutes later, I'm in a Kusama room, bawling, you know, thinking about her. Like all these men stole her ideas. Like everything she's been through and now just like we're all connected in these infinite rooms of light all over. It's like, yeah, I can't believe it. - Sounds completely beautiful. - Yeah. - I'm quite completely forgetting if we've talked about your feelings on the afterlife. Do you know what happens when we die? - I hope it's my fun. I really wanna have a good time. - Yeah. - Oh, and I've been crying. I read Song of Achilles, cried for like an hour and a half. - You cried for an hour and a half reading Song of Achilles. - And people told me that would cry and there's a prophecy in the book. So I kind of thought I knew what was gonna happen. And it destroyed me like everyone said. And I could not stop. Like, you know, when you, like I could not stop bawling. - Yeah, and I was impressed with the author 'cause she went to Yale School of Drama to adapt classics to a modern audience and I go, you did it. (laughing) - You did it, bitch. - Hey girl, Mission accomplished. - And it took her 10 years to write it. - Oh, I bet. - And it just was like beautiful. Obviously gay. Obviously, I can't get it into a different storyline. (upbeat music) - This episode is brought to you by booking.com. - Folks, we all work hard and deserve some rest and relaxation. I love clearing my calendar and going vacation mode when I can. - And booking.com is here to help you do the same. Picture this. You're sitting in the back seat of your office car pool. Car and bumper to bumper traffic. You're what you're sick to your stomach. You're wondering how to get here. And you can't believe this is your life, derogatory. At that moment, you open your phone to booking.com and then next thing you know, boom! You're shipping on a cold my tie on the balcony of your beachfront hotel in Miami. The sun on your skin, not a care in the world. You think to yourself again, how'd I get here? 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SquareSpace is the all-one website platform designed to help you stand out and succeed online Whether you're just starting out or scale in your business SquareSpace gives you everything you need to claim your domain Showcase your offerings with a professional website grow your brand and get paid all in one place We all could use a good website in this day in Asia. Tell you what and SquareSpace has so many awesome features to get yours up and running SquareSpace gives you everything you need to offer services and get paid all in one place from consultations to events and experiences Showcase your offerings with a customizable website designed to attract clients and grow your business get paid on time With professional on-brand invoices and online payments plus streamline your workflow With built-in appointments, scheduling and email marketing tools. Wow Get discovered fast with integrated SquareSpace SEO tools every website is optimized to be indexed with meta descriptions and auto-generated site map And more so you show up more often on search engines and bring in more of your ideal customers Head to squarespace.com slash so true for a free trial when you're ready to launch use offer code So true to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain You didn't enter me though. You hope something fun. What fun? Which how would it be fun? What do you want the fun to be? I don't know. I God because I don't know. I really don't know, but I hope it's not just done so Maybe coming back with more knowledge back to earth maybe yeah, but I would love to float around Yeah, we're on earth Float around or just in the outer space or maybe like hopefully I'll fall in love deeply with someone and then you get to be with like your Soulmate forever and like I don't know Do you have a faith I could hang out with like penguins and like now penguins and yeah I think that could totally happen. I don't know. I really don't I'm Jewish They don't believe in devil. I mean, they don't believe in like Helen devil. Yeah, when I say do you have faith? I mean, do you do you believe in God like Jewish God? I But no, I'm like a mother nature girl like the earth in tuition spirits. So like my grandma On my mom's side she would read cards for the community, and so she was witchy So I feel really like connected to her. I believe in like yeah instincts got like maybe Quaker Maybe I'm a Quaker like God is within all of us or Quakers like really really peaceful and non-convirtational I'm just checking I'm not refuting you. I'm just checking. You're right. That's why they were all murdered by the Puritans Well, there's something to be said about that. Yeah, there's something to be said about that and yeah The Shakers and the Quakers just demolished by the Puritans No, I think like because to me it's like any time we deny ourselves is when bad things happen I think like any time I have an instinct. I don't follow it. It's always a mess Mm-hmm, and so I think it's I think instead of looking for God elsewhere, we should look for it within us Yeah, are your parents like that? Do your parents have a my dad's 88 he's going to synagogue every Saturday Yeah, he's once he hit 80 it's every every week's synagogue for sure starts to feel real important to start Think about the next chapter. Yeah, so and they well, they're like from the hall they're straight from the Holocaust So they're very tied to their faith, but it's Soviet Union Stalin. So wasn't allowed so like it's not like they know so They are very connected Because of tragedy But like they're eating dairy and meat. Yeah. Yeah, which I think yeah, that seems like but to them It's like family like I think my mom's like addicted to family She really didn't have a life outside of family. Yeah, and that's why she was like really sad that I don't want children And she cried one time and I said I think the reason you want me to have kids is once you're dead You want me to know how much you suffered raising me and she went maybe you're right and she's never brought it up again She said well, that seems like the end of that conversation Yeah, but to her it's like everything for your children and grandchildren You take your kid. I don't care if it's knowing you get him fresh air You cook fresh. You give you feed soups to your grandkids like to her. It's like family is God I feel and that leaves her empty because we are going to we fall ditched her, you know, yeah And then my father It's like authoritative. I don't know. I think he just believes in like misogyny traditional gender roles Yeah, misogyny is such a powerful and awesome thing to believe in It's actually the only core tenon of most religions is subjugation of women. Yeah That's what they all have in common. Yeah They actually you know the founding fathers But it is wild like you would yeah I like that people were like fucking people with no eyes legs wouldn't teeth like everyone's fucking like what you were saying Like you know, yeah, they were really open-minded to injury Disability was not such a big deal back then it was able to happen easily. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah They talked more about they talked more about voting rights for slaves than they did for women I'll tell you that much from what I'm hearing they were not interested in talking about women voting at all They're like well, of course your husband votes for the household And then there were like a lot of guys at the thing that we're like hey this slavery businesses cannot continue This got to stop and then of course the southerners were like no, we won't we actually won't be involved I just have to flip online that was like The South lost the battle, but they actually have won the war in terms of our culture and our country and stuff Tell me you cut that out for me because I don't know if I agree. I agree like I don't think the South was punished and I think the idea is like permeate like what's happening now Like we should have punished the fuck out of them taken away everything All slave owners should have had all of their money and assets redistributed and like the people that Should have executed in public. Yeah, but those people got to live and their and Their future kind of all those people have their goods and are continuing ruining the lives of people in this nation And like races like it's all still here like they didn't lose I don't know if I agree with that. I think that I do think that When we abolish slavery all I think everybody who own slaves Of course it wasn't going to happen because many of the founders themselves on own slaves But I do think they should have been executed in public and we should have made like a showing of it Um, it just I think sometimes I'm watching this this thing just because I love documentaries, but I'm like we really Simply could never talk enough about how fucking horrific slavery was and it Like we did it was It's not even just like I think people just like Paint it in their memory is this thing where it's like oh, yeah people worked for free And it's like no, it was so so so so so much worse in horrific. We should have killed all those people We didn't so in that way I understand the sentiment, but Uh, I don't know and in terms of like right like environmental racism like redlining school all of it like it's still in our society Well, yeah, of course racism is like an inherent part of American society But I'm but not even invite but like in policy constantly yeah Like to do desserts It's just like it's everywhere or the real T on racist white people is that it has been turned on them now like That poor white people were racist for so long because they imagined it would never This system would never disenfranchise them to the extent that it has and now it has disenfranchised them to that extent And it's because of their own actions Well all of it it goes back to like for like college used to be more affordable and they're like wait wait no No, no, no, like and then I was read I have to read this book But it was like saying how all communities use to have pools And then when they wanted to integrate the pools they were like we'd rather close the pools So then that's why a bunch of places don't have pools because they didn't they would rather not have it Yeah, and that's with everything So it's like maybe they're getting they're realizing they've been getting fucked, but everyone's been getting fucked Oh, what was it? What's the first thing you would do if you were a leader of the free world For number one first thing day one number one action I mean I smiled because I think I would do some executions I mean anti-capital punishment, but I would sell I would I I Smile Because I think I would do some executions with like one of the more genuine smiles I've ever seen you have Oh my god, James was talking earlier and I was smiling, but he could tell that um It wasn't what for what he was saying and it's because Connor's story got nominated for an Emmy today And so I got all these text messages congratulating me for his nomination So I've had two big smiles today um and I had him Yeah, McDonald's breakfast always makes me smile Mine is I would be in loud vehicles you would what I would be in loud vehicles day one Oh, that's like a fun one if you have a car that's intentionally loud Loud muffler those motorcycles that like rattle the fucking buildings when they go by I would ban them And if you tried to make a new one you would go to prison Needlessly loud vehicles are the most anti-social anti-neighbor Unnecessary dumb fuckery. I think if you have a loud vehicle you are genuinely to your bones a bad person I yeah, I don't get it. What's the point? But what about if it's like fast and furious fun racing Dangerous stupid. I hate that even worse. Having a loud vehicle is for you have the your brain is the size of a pee Loud vehicle havers have brains the size of a pee. They're fucking morons. They are they are a detriment to society I don't understand it. I do not the only the only possible reason I've allowed vehicle is to Annoy the people around you and you should go to prison Well now with car you know, I don't I hate the door handles have shifted like we used to have such good door handles Yeah, I got into a Mustang yesterday. It was a button. I just I don't know No, I don't want public execution. I would do like for I would All children get food at school is like the thing I care the most about this is a big thing for you Yeah, I was on freelance, you know all of that, but um and my parents starved so it's like I just my as childrens It's just like I think about Something that comes up for me My daddy's expired food in the hotline the home. I think about it a lot, but I want something fun like you what you said instead of executions and like feeding children execution the most Lisa answer and I do love that. - Yeah, but I am after, it's tough. It's so hard to be anti-capital punishment 'cause I want so many people gone. - I know, it becomes a real issue. - It really does, 'cause I'll read some of these heinous crimes and I'm like, we need him gone, but it's like I'm against it. I'm against it, the state should not have state funded. Oh, I would do, like I'm into castrations actually. Yeah, chemical castrations for sex offenders. That would be my first line of business as president. I don't think that makes any sense. - No, I know, but it's what I believe Italy just passed on like that. - That's a really bad idea for this on the same exact basis. - Yeah, no, I know. - Capital punishment is a bad idea, which is that we have a flawed justice system. Well, we have a flawed. - But not if I'm in charge. - Criminal system. I think the criminal system would still be flawed if you were in charge, don't you imagine? - No, 'cause I'd get everyone so much money, attention, love, therapy, education. I think there would be no crime. - I'm really, really. - But I would lock up sociopaths as children. (laughing) - No, I'm being hyperbolic, but it's just hard. Things are complicated. I just watched Mother's Instinct. Did you watch that documentary? - Oh my god. Crazy. - Crazy. - I've watched every documentary. There's like not a documentary that I watch. - So yeah, when you hear about her, it's like, yes, she should be on death row for sure. But then it's like, but I am against, I don't know. It's like really hard. - It is really hard. - That is the type of case that makes me really reconsider my opposition. - But I hated the husband. - I hated the husband. He's like, yeah, I like her. She does what I say and cooks, and she's gonna have a lot of money. And it's like, okay, it's just that bothered me too. - Well, yeah, he was annoying, but he didn't commit murder. - Yeah, but he enabled her. (laughing) - You want him to get charged? - No, but it is fine. 'Cause what she did was her heinous. What she did is awful. So I would never, but like men kill pregnant women every day multiple times a day. And so it is this thing of like, when a woman, it's this horrific, crazy thing, but it happens daily. Men do it all the time. Like the worst woman we know is like a chill good dude. - The worst woman we know is a chill good. - It's like just like an average man. Like the worst woman we know and a behavior, like the worst woman is just a guy. - You know, my theory for a year, I've been saying for years, men are evil women are annoying. - Yes. - Those are the big crimes of each gender. - Wait, you gotta put that on merch. - Men are so evil and do horrific, and it's not to say women can't be evil, but overall most women are just annoying. - If they have a crime at all. - Yeah. - If they have a crime at all, it's being annoying, and that's not a deal. - I wonder if women would be less annoying with more power. - I doubt it. (laughing) And by the way, I'm just saying, I'm not saying all women are annoying or all men are evil. I'm saying the extremes of both gender are such that it most often falls into the most annoying person you know as a woman. The most evil person you know as a man. - Yeah. - And I say that with all the love in my heart to both genders. - Yes. - I love my boys. - May I look at this bottle? I think also, I would do more vacations for people. (laughing) - You know? (laughing) 'Cause I was thinking I first should have clear water. You shouldn't have to pay for it. And then I was like, also I want people in the lakes more often. And then I was like, yeah, more vacations. - You're speaking to my thing in a big way. - More vacate, 'cause everyone's like, how's everyone from the world cup here and it's like their countries let them chill out. - Yeah, they get paid, they get to go to other places. They get to relax, they get off work. - Yeah. - They get off work in a big way. - Yeah, I think we have more vacations would help people. I think, yeah, I don't know if you'd want me to help you, but I think me and you in charge would be good. - I don't trust your temperament. - Yeah. - To be in my, to be in my administration. I worry that you would go off on side quests and do things that I don't approve of. - No, I would definitely have like a SEAL team five group. - I worry that you have, yeah. - I would have a group of assassins. - I worry that I would get a briefing that's like, Mr. President and the President. That's like Mr. President, the Vice President has assembled another paramilitary group to go after her enemies. The news is pretty upset about it. And I'd be like, please, uh, yeah, no, for sure. - No, that's what my mom told me. She said I'm too volatile for a gun when I told her I wanted one. (laughing) 'Cause I want like weapons for the, when you know when shit goes down. - Yeah, I, that is such a funny sentiment to me. A lot of my friends are on that right now and we just are not gonna win regardless. - No, you're right, no, I know. But I found, I haven't ordered them yet, but there's, um, tasers that you can wear on your knuckles. - Okay. - The thing with all these weapons is you have to charge them. And it's like the end is here. Like what are we doing? My friend gave me like a pluggable light. Oh, but like things in the apocalypse. I'm like, where will we be, we'll be charging? - Solar is what you should be looking into, of course. - Yeah. - You need to be looking into solar powered stuff, guns, solar powered, solar powered. - I've never even shot it. I don't want to, I don't want to actually, like I know I'm, so I've never been in a physical fight. - Really? - No. - That is shocking. - I know. - I don't know if you've told me that before, but it's shocking. - I've never been in a physical fight. Four girls tried to beat me up one day in high school and they were like at my locker and I went, I have to get to swim practice or you're gonna hit me or not. Like, I don't know, I don't know what we're gonna do. And they did it. I think people think I'm more tough than I am or something because of my mouth, but like, and I do stand up for people, but like, yeah, I've never, and I hope to never be in a physical fight. - Do you think your attitude would change if you got hit really hard in the face one time? Do you think you would be less the way you are? - Like if you, if you like went up to swim, - No, I'd be like JLo in the movie enough. It would like actually fuel me. - Are you sure? Like if you, just picture this. You're doing one of your classic Lisa things and you like, I don't know, a man like stands weird near you and you feel confronted by it. And you go, excuse me, we're all waiting in the line and I know you can see that. Do you wanna tell me why you think you, and then just immediately, bop. Let's make it a woman. A woman does that. - Yeah. - And you're like, excuse me. I think you saw there was a line here, why did you, and she just puff. Punches the fuck out of you in the face. Do you think the next time you wanted to confront a stranger like that, you would think twice and hesitate? - No, 'cause I think I'm like, delusional enough that I think I could fight back. I don't. - Oh, you think you would beat that woman up? - Oh, I don't want to. I-- I mean, I'm not a woman. - I stepped up to a woman at the bar on Sunday. That bothered me. - Okay. - What did she do? - I was what, so I was at a Mexican spot. So like the Mexico game was packed, but I had a seat at the park, but I went to the bathroom. I'm way out. I hear a woman go, she stepped on my foot. And so I heard that. So in my brain, I go, I'm gonna buy her a shot. So I turn around and I go, are you okay? That nice. And she goes, you stepped on my foot. And I went, well, you're in a crowded bar. Are you dumb bitch? And then I walked away. (laughing) Like, and I walked away, but in my head, I was like, I wish I could have just slammed her face on the table. - He's a-- - I turned around to be like, are you like, yeah, someone's gonna step on your foot. There's 400 people in here. - It's really fucking packed, yeah. - Like, that's such a crazy thing to like, be mad at someone about. I don't know. And I'm like, you're also standing by the bathroom. Like, you're gonna get stepped on more. People are gonna-- (laughing) I don't know. - How do you imagine you would have handled it? - Because it makes snookkey more powerful when she got popped on TV. - Yeah. How do you imagine you would have handled it? Had your foot been stepped on? - I honestly, just the, I just send like, so into the world cup, but like, I just, when we're all together, we're all together. I don't know, 'cause there was another girl kind of rude to the bartender when she got a little water spilled on her, and I didn't like it. Like, when you're crowded, I don't know. I don't know. - I've had a recent thing. - If someone had gone out, if someone turned around, when are you okay in a nice voice? - Yeah. - Oh, I'd have been like, oh my god, yes. I think I would have, like, fully been like, oh god, it's crazy in here. I would have, like, tore, I would have been like, I'm glad she checked in on me. I do want to think about this popping. 'Cause if a man hit me in front of other people, I think men would hope, I hope-- - You know they wouldn't. You know they wouldn't. Men don't really intervene like that anymore. - If I got hit really hard-- - That's my man. - That's not my personality. - I didn't say help your personality. - Oh, what did you-- - I said, do you think it would, help your personality is crazy. I said, do you think it would change the way you react to stuff? - I don't know, 'cause I played football and I got the shit beat out of me. Like, I don't know. I, um, maybe, I don't know. We'd have to-- - We'd have to see. - Yeah, if you're a woman-- - Yeah, if you see me out and about-- - If you're a woman and you want to punch Lisa really hard, let's just see if it doesn't-- - I'm starting boxing next week. - That's good. So we'll see how that goes. - I have a weird thing going on. The biggest commentations I get in revolver on biking, because people are insane to, like, people on bikes. We're always on a cyclist, I'm on a city bike. But people are insane to people on bikes. And also, people on bikes are insane as well. - And it's, like, people are careless. Like, I almost just opened the door and someone screamed and I think, "God, he screamed." But, like, how quickly you could fuck someone up? - Yeah. - By being careless is-- - You could kill someone in an instant, yeah. - It's tough to think about. - A really interesting thing that keeps happening to me is that other fat guys, when they get mad at me about biking are calling me fat ass. And I'm like, "You are fat as fuck." First of all, don't call me fat ass. You are also fucking fat. Find a different insult. And I yelled at a guy really bad on the-- I would say this on the pot already. A guy on the, on Nick's night, the night that the Nick's won the championship. Me and my friends had biked into Manhattan. There was this situation where there were a million people on bikes that night. Of course, everyone's trying to go have fun. And we had gotten off the bridge into Manhattan. And we were trying to turn left. But you need to get out of the bike lane so you can wait for the light to turn so you can cross traffic. There were like 20 cyclists there. And there's maybe room for three. So like, there's back up into the bike lane. But I was one of the people that had found a way off. And this guy, there was like this straight couple standing there on their bikes. And this guy goes, "Oh my god, we're huge fans." And I was like, "Oh, thank you so much." And then my friends had biked up behind me, all sweet hearts. and they had. and gotten stuck in the bike lane like sitting, trying to get off at there was no room. And this fucking fat ugly white guy bikes up behind them and goes, "Get out of the fucking bike lane!" And I went, "Hey, they're trying their best, there's no need for that." He's like, "Now stop." I said, "Hey, they're trying their best, there's no need for that in that tone." Not to mean, just like, "Relax." And he goes, "Shut up, fat ass." And I go, "Fuck you bitch, get off your bike." And then he kept biking. And I was like, "That's what I thought." And he didn't say another word. And then this, and I would have fought him 'cause I was like, "You're still being so mean right now." And I could tell he was weak. I know I could have heard him. And-- - And you're famously strong. - I would have just taken him to the, I would have grabbed his head like this, kind of like I would do to Nicole if she charged me right now. (laughing) If Nicole were to charge me right now, or if that man were to have gotten off his bike and brought his fat ass over to my direction, I would have just grabbed his head and taken him to the ground like this and put him down there. - See, you have the same head grabbing in six minutes. - And then started just kind of, you know-- - We just can't go to prison. We can't go to prison. But yeah, if the guy here on the bike where Nicole were to charge me, the way that I would place them on the ground quickly and then start hitting. But then the straight guy that said he was a fan, I forgot they were there. So that's obviously a little embarrassing. He goes, "You're my hero." And I said, "That's pretty cool." - I keep thinking about getting, come trying to think where I'd get hit, like where my-- - Where my-- - You get hit in the cheek. - Where, no, no, no, like where am I? Am I in line? Am I out and about? Like, 'cause what would make me mad enough that I would engage with someone that I think would be threatening to me. It's like, I think I'd try to, like I'm trying to think, 'cause I think most of the people I engage with deserve it. - I think you genuinely, I think you're on the right side of things. - Yeah. - I've been wrong, but then I always come around even if I'm slow. - Yeah. I think you're approached sometimes, it could get you hit. - I know. - I'm surprised you haven't been hit. I'll be honest about that. - I know. - I'm totally surprised by that. I'm glad you've never been hit. I am surprised that no one's ever just been like, I'm gonna hit this bit. I just remember someone punched me in the shoulder, but I guess not, but like, without the face, it's like, what do you gonna do? - No, you gotta hit one in the face for it to matter. - It's stomach. - Or stomach, stomach's the worst, actually. - I don't know, I just, I hope not. I hope not. - That you never get hit. - Yeah, wait, oh, this is such a popular podcast. Can I do a plea to the internet? - Of course. - I really wanna be in Mortal Kombat 3. So if you're working on the next one, please, I have a good idea. - What's the idea? - Okay, listen to this. So, you know how like, you go into the Mortal Kombat realm with the lightnings? - Yeah. - So then I'm just like kind of like a fun waitress and I see the lightening and I go, whoa, and then I enter and then I immediately get killed. (laughing) - I kinda want you to dream bigger? - Or I run a little bit, but I think it'd be so funny and shocking. Or maybe I can run a little bit and then get, you know. But I don't think someone regular like me would survive in the Mortal Kombat. And so I wanna be like grounded in reality. - I want you to give yourself more lines than just waitress who says whoa. I do want you to aim for, if you are somebody who can make this happen in Mortal Kombat, I do want you to give Lisa more lines than whoa. - Okay, yeah, okay, okay, I'll take that. - I want that for you. Are there any other things you wanna play for while you have the audience? This will probably get a fair amount of using, listen. - Oh yeah, I would love if anyone can show the guys from Heated Rivalry, my Simpsons thing that I made 'cause I recreated all of Heated Rivalry scene by scene using images from the Simpsons. It took me about four days. It's so good and I'm really proud of it and I pinned it. So it's just on the top of my Instagram. - Okay, so you just want those guys to see that. - Yeah, yeah, I think they would be touched by the thoughtfulness they put into it. - Okay, that's beautiful. - And the attention to detail. - Guys, if you don't mind, if you could just like start tagging the Heated Rivalry guys in Lisa's Simpsons remake of their show, that'll be beautiful. I think that's what we could do for you. You're a beloved member of the community. - Yeah. - Someone was listening to the show knows those guys and could slip into them for sure. Someone was listening right now, has their phone number. - And the cottage is split into two collages. So like, you think you're done, go to, there's 13 total slides. - What's so true to you, Lisa? - I've been thinking about this for days. Like, it's so stressful and what is so true? I'm still stuck on getting punched somewhere. - I know, I really accidentally, there's, I think I've made potentially two mistakes in this episode. One was bringing up the Founding Fathers like a third time and then getting us sort of on a track talking about whether or not the country is whether or not the Confederacy ultimately won. That was one misstep in the episode. - I know, I also have to stop talking so serious about things that I've read like one paragraph from. - You did say I need to read this book and then went in pretty passionately on what you think is the thesis of it. Which is something I love about you. That was one potential misstep in the episode. - No, talk about the Founding Fathers. I just don't know something about it. So if I don't know something, I don't like it. - The other misstep. - The kind of like when you guys, yeah. - You and the Founding Fathers have a lot in common. The other misstep obviously was bringing up whether or not you think you would change if you got punched in the face. - But are you inspired by the Founding Fathers or did you just like? - I am inspired. There are things about the founding of this country that I find radical. Do I think highly of any of those people? Obviously not. But do I think bucking imperial rule and founding your own country and choosing to have it be a democracy when you could have just made your own monarchy? Yeah, I think there are some elements of that that are very interesting. And I think there are elements of any revolution that I think are inspiring and interesting. I'm more inspired by the people than the like George Washington or something. But I think it's really silly to write off that entire process and what has come to be like actually one of the most consequential revolutions in the history of the world, not the most, but one of certainly. I think America's like status in the world at this point for better or for worse points to that being like incredibly consequential. So yeah, there are things about that period of time and some of the people who participated that I find inspiring. - Yeah. - Yeah, fuck yeah, fuck the king. - Fuck the king. And I go back, because of where the joy just happened, I've been thinking a lot again as I do every year about how I feel about this country. - Well, I saw someone in my stories looking at the Declaration of Independence and they were crying and I cry at art. So like I understand, but I was like, what? I didn't cry if you were in the room with it. - Certainly not, but they're, I get it I think. Like there's a part of me that's like, I don't know, spend some time like watching something about it and thinking about what actually happened. And I don't know, they're, I get it. No, I would not. I don't feel that way about this country or it's founding documents for the obvious reasons. But I don't know. I think about whether or not I love this country all the time and I think I actually do and I think that's a kind of an unpopular opinion. - No, I think that's why the World Cup also, it's like people having fun going to these cities and being like, oh, I'm having a nice time with these Americans that I thought were all like evil and gun and crazy. - Well, I love Americans. I've always said that. I love Americans. I think we're awesome. I really, really love us. I completely love Americans. I think we're great. America, the government is obviously not a thing. I'm like a big on. I'm not like loving what we're doing or have ever done. But I love Americans and I love like the land of this country. And I'm, so then I think does that mean you love the country? Like what does it mean to love a country? - Well, you know what it means? I think Mom Donnie did this where it's just like, I feel proud to be in New York City. I feel cool. Like I feel like awesome. He's doing cool things. So like that, if that was everywhere, like that would be great if people had leadership like that. - Yeah, it also makes me feel so good. - I feel good about New Yorkers. I don't feel good because of Mom Donnie. I feel good about New Yorkers. I feel good that New Yorkers elected a person who shares those kind of values. I, Mom Donnie to me. - I like he's a little petty too. I like it. - I like Mom Donnie plenty. I don't, he's not the reason I love New York. - No, I didn't say that. - I know, but there is a feeling going on right now that I'm not liking the Mom Donnie's done shit. That's not cute to me. I'm not enjoying the like a fan girl a vacation of Mom Donnie. - I bought a candle with his face on that. - I don't like that. I don't like that at all. - I was blackout. I have to talk to the store 'cause I also spent 42. (laughing) 'Cause I go in there constantly in a blackout and then I'm like, okay, I spend $45 on stickers and they can't keep allowing me to do this. - They need to start turning you away. - They do, but I just can't, but I go in there drunk 'cause I love it in there. - Yeah. - Random accessories, fourth street, but they gotta put a stop to it. - Yeah, so anyway, but the point is that my second mistake was bringing up the punch it clearly affected you and now what is so true to you? - What is so true to me? Being a regular is the best. - The only thing. - And it is worth time and effort and you shouldn't ever expect prizes for being a regular. The experience in it of itself is it? Like, but yeah, knowing everyone's name, having a place, waving to the mailman, like having just a final beer before you go home or just-- - All right, when you wake up. (laughing) - Just fresh out of bed even too, I think. (laughing) - It can be a beautiful part of being a regular somewhere. - Just to stop the shaking. (laughing) - And all of the bartenders and then you know, and then you know, the bartenders and everything. I think just knowing the people at your spots, having your spots, loving the food, like, definitely go to new places, but like, I just find I've always wanted to be a regular and now that I have that at these certain places, it just feels awesome. - My whole life, I knew I wanted to be a regular. - Yeah. - Ever since I was a little kid, I wanted to be a regular. - Yeah. - It's beautiful. I love being a regular. Yeah, just a bit. like people keep talking about these third spaces. And it's like, you can if you put your time and effort. And then you get to know the other regulars. And you know, you're all, the laptop, how was this? And I just like, yeah, I don't hate small talk. Like I like it. - Yeah. - I did fight people. There were people talking about AI and I got involved. And then I go, well, you guys are nerds and losers. - That's actually pretty tame for you. - And he goes, well, you don't have any grace, what did he say? - Glag, grace? Something, I go, I'm not here to have grace. And he goes, yeah, that's obvious. And then I got tense and I go, you guys could go back to your combo, everything's fine. (laughing) - Go back to loving AI, no worries, no worries. - Yeah, but I like seeing the same people. It just feels great. And I hope that everyone finds a spot. Or like my brother-in-law was a regular somewhere. And my sister went to get him caught and she just showed a photo and goes, whatever he gets. And they needed to just knew. - That's really cute. - Yeah, and just feeling chill, relaxed, but placed to do work, I love it. It means so much to me. It's embarrassing how much it means to me. - Not embarrassing, I love it about you. And I have a question for you. - And I loved when we went to that one spot with the same, like that I loved. - Yeah, I'm sorry, you're gonna have to give me more. - I can give the name. - I'm sure you. - I loved the new "The Bartender" we had our font. Like I just like, I love it. - It's really fun. I wanna be a regular more places. I wanna expand my regularity. - Even though I've met a comedy club, so it's like a little bit of my job, but just I love being able to go there whenever I want to. Like just go into the cellar and have a nice-- - It's really fun going back to a place that you perform a lot and the staff remembering you and just having a relationship with people is like, oh my God, it kind of feels like home. - Yeah, it feels like home. And then everyone else is a little loser. - No, yeah, I love "The Bartender" because I've been reading. Oh, also, reading is awesome. And I can't believe I missed out whatever, whatever was servicing my life. I needed that, but like all the posters were right. Reading has changed my life. - All the posters were right is killing me, Lisa. - The reading has changed everything. - Yeah, we're about to change our life again. We're gonna play a game. - Yes. - You ready? - Yes. - I'm gonna read you 15 statements. You're gonna tell me as quickly as you can if what I just said was true or false. Lisa, if you get 10 or more correct, we're gonna give you $50 US dollars. - And I know you're really into the speed, but I don't like that element of this. - Well, you're gonna need to lock in a little bit. - For whom the Bell Tolls was written by F Scott Fitzgerald. - Who the Bell Tolls, what is that? - For whom the Bell Tolls. - False. - False, it was Ernest Hemingway. The San Antonio Spurs won their last NBA title in 1999. - Yes. - False. - Against the Knicks, there was a 2000. - 2014. - No, they won again, okay. - Neptune has seven moons. False. - False, 16. Force equals mass times acceleration. - Yeah, true. - True. Joe Womplers, the current mayor of Skokiel and Oye. - Fuck no. - Oh, it is actually. No, no, I think false. I'm a Jan fan. Is she just the representative? - Joe Womplers is the current mayor of Skokiel and Oye. - He is. I'm asking, I'm saying false. - Okay, yeah, it's false. Anton, it tennis. - Oh, okay. - Octopuses have no bones. - Ooh, yeah, true. - True. Europe is the smallest continent by land mass. - True. Australia. The first use of a submarine in a war was the American Revolution. - False. - True. The human body has 12 pairs of ribs. - 12 pairs. So I'll be 24, we have 24 ribs. No, false. - True. (laughing) But I just touched them all. (laughing) - The fairest of them all was Dolly Parton's first album. - False. - False, hello, I'm Dolly. A pentagon has six sides. - Penta, false. - False, five. - Tigers have striped skin. - Interestinger, is it the fur that is striped? Is that the question? I'm gonna say false. - True. Sabrina Carpenter was born in Yemen. (laughing) - Okay, true. - False, Pennsylvania. (laughing) - All isosceles triangles have two equal angles. - Yes. - True. Lotties pub is closed on Sundays. - What club? - Lotties pub. - It's closed on Sunday. - False. - False. How'd she do? - Nine. - Oh, Lisa. - Damn, I thought I was rolling. - You did really good. - I love Lotties. I would have Tater tots there weekly, Tuesdays at the open mic. - I know you would. - I knew the octopus. I should have known that Sabrina Carpenter was not born in Yemen. (laughing) But in my head, I was like, well, maybe they were on vacation or her dad might work in big oil. I didn't know. It's completely-- - But also submarines in American Revolution is that, like, was it wooden? Did you watch that documentary, by the way? - What documentary? - About, like, he's like a Elon Musk type of weird sciencey guy and he was building weird things and a journalist came to write about him and then he took her out in the submarine and then Tater up tortured her murder in the submarine. - What? - Yeah. - What happened? - He killed her in the submarine? - A journalist? - Yeah. - Wow, how'd they find out? - So, well, they found, well, she went in with him and then didn't come back out and then they started finding bits of her body in the water but then they found all of his journals and he just wanted to torture and murder so bad for so long and he was actually gonna do it to his girlfriend but she wasn't available that day. I'm so like, this girl was doing the article and so they went down together and I just, 'cause one of my biggest fears, of course, is being locked in a room and being tortured for a long time and no one finding me. I think about that a lot, but then-- - Yeah, at that point, you guys just hope to die quick. You know, let me die quick. - A lot of being in the submarine like truly knowing there's nowhere to go. - And no one to hear, nothing to do. Wow, that makes me want to throw up and cry. - It's so scary, but that might be a dog that you might want to watch. - I don't know if I can, that one sounds a little too. I will, I will. - If you handled mothers instinct, I think you could do this. - I don't know, man, that's really tough. Also, her being a journalist, she just wanted to get her story. That makes me want to fucking throw up. - Yeah. - Men are really scary, huh? Really, really scary. I feel really bad for people that have to deal with men. - Yeah. - I mean, obviously, I also have to deal with men, but in a way where it's like, I don't think they're gonna put me in the submarine and do the stuff, that kind of stuff. - No. - I did, I had a big fear in high school though. One of my big fears about being on grinder and stuff like that. In high school, I was like, - Now I'm laughing about Sabrina Carpender being working. - I know, I know, she's not from Yemen and the woman in the submarine is resting in peace and I just hope she's somewhere awesome. - But what was the finish what you were saying? - Being on grinder and high school scared me because I read stories about people being like, "Oh yeah, they went to someone's house for a hookup "and then they got tortured and killed." And so that was a big scary part of my life. I really thought everyone who messaged me was trying to torture and kill me for a while. - No, fucking strangers is definitely, there's a risk involved. - It's really scary in rural Missouri. You drive 40 hours to someone's house in the middle of nowhere. - You're like, okay, this was a long days and nights journey to get some sex and then they could just torture and kill you. - That's like, wow, that was like complaining about going to Prospect Laugh for its garden. I was like, Jesus Christ, I'm with this desperate sex, but I was. - I know. - Yeah, you went to PLG about it. - Yeah. - Went to PLG about some dick. - Went to PLG. - That's crazy, went to Prospect Laugh for its gardens about some dick. So many people before you have made that journey. - I know, yeah. - Well, my next journey also has to be like, men have to pay for my cars. I'm not paying for any more cars. If you're having sex with me, you have to pay for the car. - If you can't afford to send someone home in an Uber, you can't afford to fuck. - And that's what happened. - That's the rules, especially if they live cross borough. - Yeah, it costs me a lot of money. - What people in an Uber? - Yeah, so I think that's a new, because then my other friend had to hook up like the, like she was leaving where we were hanging out to go hook up and he got her cars there and back. He knew he was, she was hungry ordered a pizza. I know, this is, I need this. I need this. - Yeah, that's really nice. - I need more, more effort. - That's really, really nice. Yeah, you gotta be sending people home in a car if you're sleeping with them. - Yeah. - In New York City, I'm sorry. That's just like, come on. - Yeah, it's like your come is still on my body, like. - Right. - I have to order my own car. I should've said something. - You need to say something. - But I'm new. - You're new. - I'm new to reading, I'm new to fucking. I'm like new to so much. - Yeah. - Yeah. - Yeah. - I feel it's like my new, my Renaissance. - It's a total Lisa Sons right now. We're in the Lisa Sons. - Yeah, with New York. I was kind of turned, I didn't know that you would hate Mom Donnie the way you did. - I don't hate Mom Donnie. - You know I do not hate Mom Donnie. That's not what you took from that. Don't play like this. - No, being in New York right now in this environment, everything. It feels like people want to fuck. I hope I'm married by the end of the year. - I don't hate Mom Donnie, by the way. - No, no, no, no, no. - Do you know what I mean, though? - No, the pop culture, people. We can't celebrate politicians like this. There are public servants and they need to get to work, but he's doing the work. - He's doing great. I'm really proud of the results. I'm so glad he's our mayor. - And he's representative of all of us in this other beautiful way. - But we gotta stop like, yeah, putting his like airbrushed face on t-shirts and shit 'cause we, there really might come a point where we have to hold him accountable and how are we gonna do that when we've made him like a fucking like prayer candle deity or whatever? - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - I think it's as embarrassing as being like a Trump stand. - I will say I have candles of ABFAB, Mariska Hargote, Andy Cohen. I have a lot of these prayer candles. - I don't like that either, but it's a different thing to me. - Yeah. - We're gonna be okay with. - Which one? - Mariska. - Yeah, I saw her on Broadway. Oh, I have another so true. - Do it. - She keep your fucking mouth shut when you're going to see a Broadway show. (laughing) - Yeah, totally. - And she, It's this poignant show about like suicide and all the every brilliant thing are like all the things that hopefully are worth living for and what you could do to help even though it's never enough for the people that are so much like sad on the inside. It's like this beautiful show. - Yeah. - And there is audience participation and she's about to do the last line of the show and she goes one million and some bitch tails out. Meeting Mariska Hargitay and then an applause breaks out 'cause no one knows what's happening and then Mariska has to wait to then do this final line of her show that's supposed to be like what life's all about and it just seems. - It's I, it truly like I ended up walking 45 blocks because I was like so upset. - That is really nuts. That is really really nuts. - Yeah, behave. - Just shut up, you're not on the stage. You're not the performer. This is what so many people need to internalize. You are not in the show for a reason. Sit there and watch it or don't go. - And to interrupt at this, the clear end of this play. I don't know. People are a little teary eyed. It's these moments and I just couldn't believe it. And I wonder if she went backstage and was like that fucking bitch. - Of course she did. - Of course she did. That's the thing I would really tell these people is when you behave like that, the people that you're like, you're in love with her. - She's going backstage and being like, well that fucking idiot, Rewind the night. Like they're going backstage and talking about how annoying you were. I've promised you, I've seen it a billion times. - Yeah, and it's like, I don't know. It was just, I don't know. But that's always, 'cause I remember I saw Ben Harper at the Chicago theater in my like late teens, maybe. And he's saying, "Acapella at the edge of the stage." You know, music, no mic, no nothing. And someone kept being like, "Love you, love you." And it's like, I don't get it. 'Cause I was gonna be like blame COVID, but it's always been a thing. No, no, no, it's not COVID, it's something else. - Narcissism, what? - I guess maybe, I don't know what it is, 'cause I would never do something like that. - Never. - In a million years. I would never in a million years think to do something like that. I just don't get what would possess you. I don't understand, but maybe that's 'cause I get my kicks in another way. I don't know, I don't know. I don't know what's wrong with you. Maybe they've never been out of the house. - Yeah. - Maybe they were like, "Now." And then they got taken to a Broadway show like the day after they got rescued or something. I have no clue, I have no fucking clue. - Yeah, it's hard to be now. - It's like you were raised by wolves in a barn or something, and now you've been reintroduced to society. - Honestly, I think wolves would quiet down. I don't think wolves would-- - Wolves know when to be stealthy. - Yeah, the wolves would chill out. - He's a, this was a beautiful episode. - This was beautiful. Thanks for having me back, thrilled to be a three-piece guest. - Yeah. - Pist that the Spurs won in 2014. - Pist that Sabrina Carpenter wasn't born in Yemen. - That was like a softball one too. - Like, she actually took it kind of easy on you. He likes you more than other guests. What do you give you? He gave you like the isosceles triangles one? - I know. - Like, he really, he also gave you a really easy one that I actually, I remember thinking, he likes Lisa more than other guests. Which one was it? Oh, Octopus has no bones. Are you fucking kidding me? - Yeah, 'cause I know that they have nine brains in three hearts, I know a lot. - Yeah, he, chance likes you more than other guests. - And he really gave me that softball question and I went, who knows what her parents were up to? - It's completely fair. You did a beautiful job. Do you want to tell people where they can find you and how they can support? - At Glitter Cheese on Instagram and I have a website. I'm live on the road, tickets available at all times. I don't think I've ever sold out my life. So, buy a ticket, buy a ticket. I'm all over the nation playing at strip malls from coast to coast to check that out. And it's all, we have fun. It's a good show. And I'm on season three of Survival of the Thickest, my Simpsons heated rivalry thing. And I have a podcast, that's messed up. And that's the view podcast. And I have a Netflix special, which is my life's work, actually, and I don't know why I said it last, but it's called Night Owl. Shot in New York City. Did I plug too many things? - You did great. I love you, babe. - Oh, and me and Jalen Brunson have the same birthday just everyone knows.