Living with Anxiety (My Story + Tips)

I didn't know what anxiety was, I didn't know that I was experiencing my first ever panic attack, my dad took me to the hospital. What are you talking about? What's anxiety? I definitely don't have whatever like disease this is, it's like this evil person in your brain that you have to tell to stop. We're gonna be talking about anxiety today. There is just something about the summertime. I don't know what it is that brings up just like a new spout of anxiety for me. I think it's that I have like probably too much downtime when I'm alone in my thoughts too much and I have too much time to think I get a little bit more anxious. So I know that I've talked to you guys about my anxiety before and it was actually one of the first episodes I ever recorded for hot mess. So if you guys want more context or like a way deeper dive into my anxiety, you can go back and listen to that. But I feel like I haven't given you guys an update in a while on my anxiety. Although it's like much much better than it was, it's still something that I deal with all the time, probably almost every day. It's something that really never leaves you. So I want to like dive into all of it in this episode. I also have questions from you guys, some what would Alex do regarding anxiety and ways I could like be helpful or give any tips to you guys because I know it's just something that like you always feel stuck. Like you feel like it's never gonna end even as someone who's dealt with anxiety since I've been 14 years old. Like it's something that every time I feel it, I'm always like, oh my gosh, is this the way I'm going to feel for like the rest of the day, the rest of the week, the rest of the year. I just want to let you guys know that you're not alone if you're dealing with anxiety and hopefully give you some tips and tricks and I'm also going to do my hair during this. So hopefully we can make it look a little cuter than it looks right now. Get ready with me while we talk about anxiety. So the four different topics that we're going to kind of touch on today are my anxiety and like what that looks like for me. My relationship to medication and having a good support system and getting yourself out of this bump. So starting off with my anxiety and just to give you guys a little background on how this happened to me, how I got diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder. I was 14 years old and I actually had no idea what anxiety was. It was right before my freshman year of high school. So I was getting my hair highlighted. I wanted to look cute for school. I don't know what it was, the heat or whatever, hungry. I ended up passing out and I thought nothing of it until about like a month later. I was out to eat with my friends and I just started like having that downward spiral of thoughts, which is like the best way I can kind of describe anxiety is like you just get stuck and your mind just starts going. So I was you know a little hungry sitting at this restaurant and then I was like oh my god, what if I pass out? And I'm like well if I pass out I'm going to hit my head on the floor and then like that could be really bad. I could hurt myself and then like what's going to happen and I became so trapped in my own thoughts and I didn't know what anxiety was. I didn't know that I was experiencing my first ever panic attack and I think it's really important to just like shed light on panic attacks or what the symptoms are because in the moment I had no idea and basically I'm at this restaurant. The waitresses I'm laying on the floor. They're fanning me off with a menu and I'm with like two girls that I had just met that I was going to high school with. I'm like what's happening to me right now. I remember feeling light headed. My hands were like super super clammy. My heart was racing and basically they called my dad and my dad took me to the hospital and I get to the hospital. They're like nothing's wrong with you sweetie. I'm like no you don't understand. Like I was just dying like da da da da. I felt like I was also going to throw up at the same time. Like I had no idea that I was experiencing a panic attack and honestly like the hospital also didn't even like suggest that that was something that could have happened to me either. So I just really had no idea. So now all of a sudden in my head I'm like great I have some like huge health issue. I don't know what's going on. I got all these like brain scans because I started to freak out then about having a panic attack. I just was like oh this is going to happen to me like I'm going to go to school and I'm going to get sick and then I started to freak out about getting sick. So I feel like my anxiety has always centered around some type of like health issue. I mean if you deal with this then I think you'll know what I'm talking about and if you don't you're probably just going to think it sounds crazy but it is just the reality. For me like it always centers around me potentially like passing out or something going on and it's just this like crazy downward spiral of negative thoughts. As I entered my freshman year of high school still not knowing what anxiety was it just became debilitating for me. Like the first thing I would do when I woke up in the morning was run to the bathroom and puke because my body was already like wired and going and like I just couldn't get myself to calm down no matter what I tried. I'm like I'll take some deep breaths like what's going on and like my family also didn't really know how to help me or what was going on and I didn't really know how to explain it. I didn't know something like mental could make you feel so physically ill. I just thought that something was wrong with me. I thought it was I had some sickness. The first few months of school were terrible for me. Like I had to leave after probably second or third period every day. I went home and my parents just kind of thought they were like at first you know they're like Alex like come on like stay in school what's going on and I was like you don't get it like I just feel so ill and like I remember the second my parents would pick me up I kind of felt some type of relief and then I was like is this all in my head? Like I was just so so confused. One of my doctors was like maybe you should go to therapy and like talk to a psychiatrist and like see what's potentially going on with you. So I went to therapist for actually this wasn't the first time I went to therapist because I had to go when I was younger because I can't stand the sound of my mom's Halloween and chewing the bags of different issue. I actually went back to the same therapist I went when I was younger and she was the older woman and she was like maybe you're dealing with anxiety and I looked at this woman like I was like she's speaking a different language to me. It's like what are you talking about? What's anxiety? Like I definitely don't have whatever like disease this is and then when she started to like break it down for me I was like oh it just became so clear and it was so relieving to hear and just understand like of why I was feeling this way. Obviously my symptoms didn't just like go away and I wasn't magically cured like just understanding what it was really helped me and like being able to say it out loud or like just classify it as something because I for a few months just thought I was like dying and had no idea what was going on. Therapy was helpful and just being able to like talk about my emotions or what I was feeling we would dissect my dreams but also going to therapy was really really hard for me because anytime I left the comfort of like my bed which I felt like my bed was my safe space I just started to freak out so I would take therapy sessions sometimes laying down on this woman's couch with my feet above my head because I was afraid of passing out like it truly was just like so debilitating for me and I just wanted to solve it I wanted to be normal I wanted to be like the other girls in high school everyone would have sleepovers with each other and I would try and I would go over and literally pack like chickens in my back like I took a rotisserie chicken in my sleep over bag one time because I've I didn't have food I felt like I was gonna pass out and I was so anxious about it if they didn't have like snacks or something in their house so like I just wanted to get to normal and be able to enjoy high school and I mean life even like I just felt uncomfortable in my own skin I felt so so trapped so therapy was a really really great store my therapist ended up recommending that I probably go on medication so this was sort of the first step to getting my anxiety into a better place and I'd say now like I'm obviously able to live and travel and go out and do things and like I may not appear anxious to the outside person but even like yesterday I'm taking a hot Pilates class and then I sit there and I'm like oh my god I'm about to pass out right now or maybe I'll throw up and then I know now how to control my thoughts where I'm telling myself I'm like Alex shut up like seriously stop and it's like this evil person in your brain that you have to tell to stop so I'm much better about it now but I want to go into or first what would Alex do about your guys questions on anxiety how do you deal with change you seem to always be moving traveling and that just makes me so anxious I'm about to pack up to go to college and the thought of packing up my things and changing my entire routine again is sending me spiraling so this might actually come as a surprise to some of you guys because I'm always traveling and I basically live at the airport but traveling was actually something for me that was very anxiety inducing even until I was in college and I think I like just started traveling a lot more I would feel and I know this is gonna sound crazy like some of you guys who don't know what I'm talking about we're gonna be like you sound like a crazy person right now but it's just how it felt I would travel and I would get this feeling of spaciness I couldn't comprehend that I was in another part of the world like I was like oh like I'm not near home like I just would feel like spacey light headed I was like are my feet really even on the ground here and it was always like a weird sort of uncomfortable feeling when I got to a new place it wasn't necessarily that the trip made me anxious but more so like being somewhere else in the world like kind of tripped me out and I felt like very out of it so I want to talk about three tips to kind of help you when you're feeling anxious or out of it or feel like your spiraling that personally helped me one of the first things I do like physically to get myself calm is there's a breathing technique called 357 which I think I learned maybe in therapy but basically breathe in for three seconds hold it for five seconds and then breathe out for seven seconds it's just supposed to calm your nervous system down that's kind of what these little tips are The other one I know is you put your finger in your ear and then you kind of like pull down on your ear. And I actually think I learned this one through TikTok. It does kind of like feel like a good release after. I'm like I'm feeling a little bit more calmer. There's cold water on your wrist. There's also if you eat like sour candy this is like another random trick that I learned but like something about that or the sensation of that is also supposed to calm you down. So because I guess now people are a little bit more open about their anxiety and I have a lot of friends who have anxiety. I have been in a lot of situations where I feel like I'm the one giving a friend advice and when I'm having anxiety I try to channel myself giving someone else advice because when you're in that moment like it's this feeling of like I know that they feel stuck but like I know that it's going to be okay and when you are in the moment where you're feeling very anxious and panicked and you feel stuck it's hard to like imagine that there's like another side to it so I kind of try to channel that feeling of when you feel someone else in a position like this and I think it's also an element of like distracting yourself get your mind off of the spiral of thoughts you're having so count numbers count backwards look at things around the room like do anything to distract yourself and then the third one is sometimes you really just need to like have a good reality check with yourself. I can't explain to you guys how many times I have been in a bathroom mirror staring at myself and I'm like Alex you need calm the fuck down like you need to get it together right now like it is okay and sometimes you just need to hear that like it's this voice inside your head I don't know give it a name like imagine it as a person and you are like you need to be quiet shut up like calm down and it honestly does help me at times like I've done that a lot in like airplanes in the bathroom and there and I just have a quick little chat with myself it helps and it just like kind of grounds you and brings you back to reality it's really like telling yourself to stop like there's the spiral thoughts going on it's not gonna get better like you need to like get in the middle of it and put your foot down and need to be a little bit of a bitch but those are some of the things that help me when I'm feeling stuck and in those moments so let's do another what would Alex do. Hi Alex I was wondering if you were able to first tell the differences between stress and anxiety I have a hard time being able to distinguish the two and then it's too late to fix it by the time I realize which one it is I just let it build up which I know isn't good. I think this is a really really really really great question because I think it's something I see a lot on like TikTok for example people are like I'm having anxiety about this or whatever and I think are kind of using the word anxiety to just supplement that like you're really stressed about something which is fine but I think it's just something to be aware of be cautious you know when you're using that word or how you're taking it from someone else's point of view because it can get confusing distinguishing stress versus anxiety and anxiety and the best way I could describe it is it's like a crippling feeling like you are having I would say much more physical symptoms and it's sort of overruling and overtaking anything else in that moment like you're not really able to be super super anxious about something and then like also going about your day if you are having like a really bad panic attack so I would say look out for like the physical symptoms like there's lightheadedness if your palms are getting really sweaty if your heart's racing and then also the thoughts that are going on inside your head I would say that's probably a symptom of anxiety it's just like clouding your brain and it's sort of this like paralyzing feeling but if you're stressed about something it's like you're stressed about something but it's like oh I can still like go and get a coffee or go make my dinner whatever you're doing so I would say anxiety is a little bit more of like a crippling feeling and it is really important to distinguish the difference between the two because there is a difference I would say in either scenario because you said like sometimes it's too late and you don't know but just trying to like calm yourself down and maybe using some of those like tips or tricks we just talked about to help yourself just right away and I just want to be very clear and honest with you guys those tips and tricks obviously helped me a lot in something I still like practice week to week I had to actually get on medication for my anxiety which I got on really young I was just about turn 15 so I was experiencing anxiety and panic attacks for about like four months and my therapist had recommended that I get on medication and and I'm very stubborn when it comes to medication just in general even if I'm like sick or hungover what I'm like I don't need an advellic I don't need anything like I was always kind of just like I'll do it myself like I'll figure it out type of mentality so I was never someone who liked to lean on any type of medication in general so when she first brought this up to me I was like this is not happening like no and something else people get really scared of with medication is just that it's something you're gonna have to like rely on for the rest of your life and that might be the case and that's something I was also really worried about in the moment I was just like I don't want to have to use this for the rest of my life like I want to fix it on my own for me the extra support was just sort of essential but the best way that it was described to me was that there's like a chemical imbalance in my brain like there was something missing and the medication was gonna be the only thing to like boost that part up which is what I needed to like balance myself out and that sort of just made me feel better about it and I mean my anxiety just really got to the point where I was like I guess I will try anything so I started Luxapro and I'm really lucky and thankful that it ended up working for me I know some people and I know friends who have had to try like different medications before they find the one that works for them because everyone is different and reacts differently to things but I actually really didn't have any side effects and increasingly over time my thoughts just started to become a little less like that voice in my head just started to get quieter like as the months went on so it wasn't something I like felt right away it's not like a Xanax like there was one time of having a panic attack my mom gave me a Xanax and like you just feel very calm right away it's not like that but more so subtly over time and it was really really helpful for me and also just helpful I think in the way that I kind of retrained myself to think about anxiety and the way I feel and sort of just taking it day by day of like we're gonna get through this today we'll figure out tomorrow tomorrow and I think that's also kind of helped me overall with my anxiety is just like if I think about this medication I think about taking it for the rest of my life like then I'm gonna freak out in whatever but I'm like you know what today I need it tomorrow I need it this week I need it and like we will go from there there was times that I tried to get off of it like before I went to college because I still kind of had that like stubborn thought when I got to the end of high school and was like well my anxiety feels like a lot better now like I could make it through a whole day and you know not have any bad thoughts but when I tried to get off of it I started to get those thoughts again so it kind of just became a decision that I made for myself of like you know what I'm taking this it's only helping me I'm not having any side effects from it so I'm going to stay on it obviously I'm the doctor so take everything I say with the green of salt this is just what works best for me and with that let's go into our last what would Alex do of the episode how do you not push people away when you are experiencing intense anxiety so this is a really really great question and brings up a really good point because it's really easy when you're feeling anxious to kind of want to isolate yourself there's moments where like I would just leave the room and like go away and like go sit and silence and it's not something you really want to talk about when you're experiencing it but I would say what is most helpful for me when I'm experiencing anxiety or panic attack is talking about it to the people around me and it's sort of a sensation of when you say it out loud you know that first of all someone's there to help you if you were to need any type of help but second of all sometimes it just makes it a little less scary like when you talk about what you're feeling or why you're feeling that way or the thoughts that we're going on in your head and you say it out loud and you're like wait this is sort of stupid like why am I feeling this way like I don't know and not that it you know completely solves the issue but I've found for me it's really really helpful and just being honest with the people around you and sharing that you're feeling that way it sounds like it's something little or light but it does really really help and especially if you're someone who has anxiety about like a health scare like me I'm always like okay well something happens now this person knows I'm feeling this way and they can look out for me they can like call 911 now that that's ever been the case no matter how stressed I am how convinced I am that like I am going I'm dying I'm passing out heading the floor like this is my moment it truly is such a mental game and I think that's the hardest thing to comprehend because you get such physical symptoms from it but like if you can conquer those mental symptoms and the voice inside your head and the thoughts then like the physical symptoms will disappear and go away and get so much better so sometimes I know it's hard for other people if they don't experience this to understand exactly what you're going through but the people around you love you and want to support you and want to be there for you so I really do think opening up to them helps and I just want to let you guys know I love you and I'm here for you and I really enjoy these sit down chats like I know we did one on the long-distance relationships just feels good like I love being able to help or hopefully this makes someone else feel a little less alone and can just give you some hope that does get better and it's not you're not going to stay stuck like that forever or stuck in your thoughts forever and there is another side to it there's so many of us that deal with this so I think it really me a lot of times too just to feel like I'm not crazy and I'm not alone because sometimes the like direct people in my life like my best friends like they don't necessarily deal with this on the level that I do so it is really nice to just like have this community where I feel like we can all rely on each other and if you guys want to hear about anything else or hear more on this topic or other topics leave it in the comments below so I can put out a good episode for you guys and hopefully be helpful in any advice or experiences that I've had and this is the final hair we've got to let it drop a little bit we want for a super curly look today and I just want to say I love you guys and I will see you next week bye