Live from the Rose Bowl | 2 Bears 5K ft. Jelly Roll, Ari Shaffir, Joe DeRosa & Are You Garbage?

What's up? Are you in Austin? Are you visiting Austin? Do you live in Austin? Well, I welcome you to please come check out Ciccio Bomba. That is the Italian bakery that I have opened in Austin. We are now at three locations. We're at the Fairground Food Hall underneath the Wells Fargo building downtown. We are in the lobby of the Scarborough building, and we have our all-new flagship location at 1100 South Lamar, right in front of the Alamo Drafthouse. We have pastries, we have coffee, we have homemade Italian sandwiches, we have pizza, we have pasta. So just come in, rub my big belly, which it's in our statue, eat some food, and enjoy yourself. And I hope you have a good time at Ciccio Bomba, which means a little fat ass. Hello, everybody. Hi, everyone. Oh, this chair feels fucking nice. Oh my God. Did anyone else? I had a personal best today. Is anyone down weight from the first time they ran it? They're out of breath. Did anyone set a really crazy time on the first heat? Five minutes. Yeah. 22 minutes. Personal best. Wow. Just shy of a 5k. Thank you guys for coming out. Give yourselves a round of applause. Thank you for being here. Everybody. This is a live podcast. We have a bunch of comedians. We're going to bring them up in and out. My name is Bert. This is Tom, and we are live at the Rose Bowl. Yes, sir. I just cramped walking up to this. My calf cramped, and I'm scared about the next hour. My toenail is going to come off fucking cool. By the way, you can have my toenails, sir. Fuck. Yeah, dude. Sell that shit. I'll tell you, this is such a cool, cool experience, and it's so nice to see all these people out here and to see so many familiar faces with the fun T-shirts. I see one where I'm talking my dick between my legs. Thank you. That's awesome. A picture from when Tom and I did a show with Vivid Porn Stars. Yes. We saw Evan Stone's cock. That was great. Great day. Yes. That was a really great day. Oh, yeah. That's me as, yeah, a cool lady. Brigitte. Sorry. So I think it's only fitting if we start off this podcast by bringing up what I think is the third bear, the third biggest, most important guy here. It's me, Tom, and Jelly. Every time we do these, he's did this the last time two years ago at, I think, over 500 pounds. Today, he's weighing in. He's weighing in anywhere between 250 and 270. Oh, shit. Ladies and gentlemen. Wow. Jelly Roll. Jelly. I love y'all. What's up, Los Angeles? Bert, I'm sure you've already been talking about it, but fuck, this microphone is scorching hot. Would you mind if I turn it up, too? It's really hot. We sat in the shade. I might have to borrow a fucking towel. Did y'all see that towel? I think it's. Feel that. Oh, fuck. Oh, that's going to catch on fire. Watch out for that one. All right, I'll move that one to the shade. I heard so many stories out there. We finished with a guy who lost 300 pounds when he heard about this race two years ago. Yeah, that was amazing. So that was two guys that have lost 250. Where's that? Is he still here? Y'all know this guy, but he's got a shirt that says, Every Mile Matters. He met his wife last year at Tampa. You want to talk about a real two bears love story, Tom Segura? That's pretty crazy. This dude lost. He heard about the first one. Lost a bunch of weight. He had to run in the second one and then met his wife at the second one and lost a lot more weight. Now him and his wife are here for the third one. That's awesome. You guys should do anal tonight. You've earned it. That's amazing. What's amazing is he showed us a picture of him at his biggest. And I think everyone's got one of those pictures. And you always wish I was a little bit bigger because I've lost the weight. His is the best biggest picture I've ever seen. His family came to his house to say goodbye to him. They thought he was going to die. And today he ran a fucking five K. Isn't it cool that you can laugh at that now? It's hysterical now that you are bigger than my six hundred pound life, bro. You can laugh about the fact that you had a funeral planned. Everyone was like, we got to get this huge fucking casket. They make one for the circus. We can borrow it. Jelly, you came down. How much since this whole thing started? You're down several hundred, almost, almost three hundred pounds. That's incredible. Wow. Can I ask you when you look back as a guy who has gone so far now in this in this like fitness kind of ride? What was like? What did you used to think when you saw just like a staircase? Oh, Jesus. You used to go like, fuck me. We're staying down here. I counted them. Really? I would count staircases. I would Google venues and try to zoom in and look. Look at chairs or like restaurants. How many? You know what I'm saying? I mean, I was so fat. I mean, this is a fun game. Yeah. Let's do fat guy things that no one else thinks of. Yeah. By the way, a booth. Fuck a booth. No, no. Oh, the biggest one, though, for years, Tom. And I'm sure you went through this even when because you wasn't that fat, but you were still pretty fucking fat. Oh, hold on. Hold on. Tom was a way fatter than he pretends. Just because you didn't get on the scale of 315 doesn't mean you weren't. No, it was 315. You asshole. I was 315. He's fucking bag of shit. No, I Tom was a Rachel. Rachel Dolan's all of fat airplane bathrooms. Oh, I used to have this nightmare because they were so small. I couldn't turn around in them. So if I had to walk in and pee, that wasn't a problem. I would just back out. But my fear was if I ever had to shit, I was going to have to back in. Oh, yeah, I have to see you going into taking shit like the back end of this bathroom. So airplane bathrooms. We know stairs suck. She laces fucking suck. Listen, my mama still my mama's family from a competitive family. My mama's fat. She was like, you think you're fat to this day? You know how fat people are tighter. She on the side. I was just like, yeah, my mama's shoes. Laces are always tied over here over there. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. She pulls her leg up and ties it like this right here. So it's tight because this is out of the idea of me tying my shoe like that's fucking absurd. Buying jeans at the mall. Me and Big Jay Oakerson. We're talking about all the stuff we can do together. Yeah, we can me and Jay Oakerson said we can go buy jeans at the mall together. That's fucking we can ride roller coasters together. I went to six flags last summer, not six flags. Universal Studios. Yeah. The first time I ever rode a roller coaster was as a 41 year old adult male. See, that's a. That's another fun thing. You know what else you could do now that you couldn't do before? Just get on the floor. If you feel like it or on top of my wife. Yeah. Yeah. That's a good one. It is to not be positionally challenged anymore. That's right. I joke about it. Watching my wife suck my dick blew my mind. Oh, dude, it was a crazy see my dick going. My wife's. I just was hoping that was what she was doing. No, I got a joke that talks about how I didn't see my dick for 30 years. Holy shit. I just met my adult dick. Yeah, wait. I call him. Yeah, it's like a surprise. Hey, Macarena was the biggest song on the radio. The last time I seen my dick. Holy, you know how many women my dick disappointed before I knew my dick was disappointing. Did it look the way you remembered it? Or were you like, well, you're different. I haven't seen you in a while. I thought it looks like a little boo boo doll. I remember jerking off when I lost weight and I was turning myself on because I can see it. Dude, crazy right here, you know, pulling a pillow to your stomach to sit on the bed. Oh, yeah. Put pillows to cover the stomach. Lots of pillows. Yeah. Or you push the fat pad back just to see an extra inch. You're like, that's pretty cool. That's in there. Listen, the pouch is gone. But now the skin. Now my dick looks like a pug. Yeah, it's finally got its nose out, but it's just draped on the side. Pugs are so fucking adorable. Yeah. I bet everybody would give yours a little nuzzle if they could see it. Pull it out. Pull it out. That'd be a cool headline. I hate y'all. Whatever favor you need, I got you. I love you, baby. Oh, my God. It's it's really impressive to see the way you were moving today. Like when we I really remember on the first five K we did crossing the line with you and Bunny and Leanne and the four of us crying and Bunny saying you I think you guys might have just saved his life through store. And you said that today you said, you know, no, no, what you said was deeper. You said, where do you think you'd be at today if we didn't start this journey or something like that? You're like, what do you think we'd be doing if we wasn't here? And I said, Bert, I don't know what you'd be doing, but I don't think I'd be here the way I was drinking. There was no way a man was drinking a liter of tequila a day and five hundred pounds. and I was going to live much longer. I wasn't going to live here. There's no way for sure. I didn't have another. 30 months of living like that in me when y'all announced this it was a godsend man and i really fucked up as it sounds i was like if fucking burt kreischer does this i can do this burt kreischer is like every man there is nothing actually special about burt at all i'm joking listen i'm as shocked as you are that i did it i'm joking burt is the fucking machine i knew what it really was is that i knew i had friends and i knew that y'all would create a place that people like myself wouldn't feel judged trying yeah and that was what was important when i seen y'all announce this you know and i thought i think that's what is the coolest thing i don't know i watch i am here because i am a fan of y'all right i'm a fan of the podcast i run and i'll listen to the pod i think y'all are funny i think y'all's fucking in a world full of just a bunch of shit i don't want to hear about y'all are like a breath of fresh air and i thought this place would be a place that anybody could show up anybody could feel welcome anybody could run it they could walk it they could drink beer they could smoke joints they could praise god y'all don't really give a fuck about what people do you're a come one come all kind of crew so you actually made a space where guys like talking about me dude i lost 300 pounds that other man lost 300 pounds the dude next to us running said he lost 70 pounds there's a dude back there that lost 120 pounds that is a thousand pounds and just us that have been lost just these are the five stories i know how many people have lost any amount of weight trying to do this five k 70 pounds right there in the front line it's 50 pounds right there it feels like a fucking auction now you should hear it y'all you think they're making fucking offers you got john bringing me glasses okay guys these look so racist this is crazy you feel like you're like can't wait to run a train on a check out for what they brought out of our country and i'm like i'm not gonna do that these are just what they brought out of our country they're taking our jobs fucking we should paint the fucking ballroom blue you know what i mean bro fucking yeah fuck yeah january sex these are rad all right those are nice yeah i believe in our country all right so now this is fucking wild man it's also we should point this is what i wanted to tell you it's about the just the progress too because the first time you know was the first time you got all emotional last year for people that don't know who went to tampa anyone go to tampa last year dude that fucking they get they made us go up the ramps of the stadium we went through a ship a battleship there was a pirate ship or something and then you go down and up these ramps and i remember we were like dude there's no way that you and you fucking crushed that too yes sir you keep getting better and better and better man i shaved almost 14 minutes off this year already though holy shit holy shit that's impressive you ran at a quick clip we were doing sub 10 on that back that back second mile and i was i was holding pace with you and i was like holy shit you should have run that first one we did because we flew through that yeah it was a half a mile short of a 5k it was half a mile short and the sun wasn't out it was kind of perfect i thought i thought i was like i am a fucking god i crossed the finish line he goes 22 minutes and i went holy shit i just ran seven minute miles god damn my i want to show people my dick and then tom goes hey did you clock that and i go 22 minutes and he goes no the distance i said why he goes it was only 2.6 miles i went fuck bird i want to tell you though there's nobody left to show your dick to we have all seen your dick i have a statue of your dick at my house right now did y'all know bert sent statues of his dick to everybody to celebrate his tv show i'll send you one sir this is a true story did you get one of these tom did i get in one of those yeah yeah but you didn't open oh i have the box what do they call a busk is it a busk yeah it's a bust of your dick it's a bust of my dick dude what it's at the house it's right next to our bottle i don't know why my wife put it there that's awesome it's absolutely beautiful really yeah did you fluff before yes how much uh you got to fluff a lot to get in order to do a cast of it yeah you've got to get rock hard and then hope that it maintains some girth yeah it's really difficult today's video is sponsored by saly saly is a new e-sim service app just choose from several affordable e-sim plans in a growing number of destinations and regions and with saly e-sim you'll always have a connection when needed if you've ever been abroad or badly needed an internet connection with no wi-fi spot in sight you'll understand what a difference a local sim card can make with one download an e-sim provides an internet connection whenever you travel and saves you money on roaming freeze let me tell you something when we traveled abroad it was such a complicated process to get a brand new sim card and load it up and then it was literally crazy but with the but i've personally used the saly ultra with all the perks when i'm on the road and in other countries and it's so easy you just download the saly app via the qr code on the screen and use your coupon code at checkout and you'll get a discount for the exclusive 15 discount with saly and e-sim can be installed only once eliminating the need for users to install new e-sims for each country you'll have internet access immediately making it easy to book an uber search for maps or messages from your loved ones saly significantly reduces and even eliminates roaming fees with affordable e-sim plans and a growing list of destinations you don't need to wait in line at the airport to get a new sim card get a local sim card oh what a pain in the ass and you can also avoid all the scammers selling fake sim cards outside the train stations and airports all saly e-sim plans are compatible for ios or my dad who has an android device chat support is available 24 7 get a full refund if your device isn't e-sim compatible it's super easy to get and super easy to find you get in the app store get an exclusive 15 off discount on saly e-sim plans and a growing list of destinations saly e-sim data plans download the saly app and use code bears at checkout or scan the code on the screen right now and get started today today's video is in partnership with manscape the men's grooming brand trusted by over 13 million men worldwide father's day is coming up and again it's the same problem every year what do you get your dad that he's actually going to use that's something that ends up in a drawer if your dad's got a beard or do you the new headgear plus is a solid upgrade without breaking the bank i've used a lot of trimmers and most of them are kind of clunky this one is simple it's got this quick adjust slider so you can move it and you're dialed in you get 14 different lengths if you're like me you can go to a different length setting for the cheeks and then a different one for the chin covering everything from one millimeter stubble all the way up to 20 millimeters so whatever your dad needs and a clean a tight a long a lumberjack it's covered it comes with a one 10 millimeter comb plus a 11 20 millimeter comb and it adjusts smooth 1.5 millimeter increments so no more fumbling with a bunch of different guards the blade features a 30 millimeter stainless steel square blade with a tight gap which means more precise and clean trims and that is this area right here sometimes i've always found that these are little long spots that means this area right here i found that these are always my long spots you see me play with these a lot but you clean it up tight right in there so nothing to play with the battery life solid up to 60 minutes of runtime and it charges with the usb c which is way easier this is a tri-level led battery indicator so you always know where your battery level's at plus it comes with a travel lock feature so you just press hold it for three seconds to turn it off to travel lock and you can do the same thing to turn it on that means it doesn't turn on in your bag and you're good to go you can turn it on in your bag and it doesn't come up dead when you show up where you you land and by the way also it's waterproof too so you can trim in the sink or in the shower you want to trim in the shower don't trim the sink trust me i've learned that the hard way this father's day skip the boring gifts and get something he'll actually use and love head to manscape.com and use code bears to get 15 off plus free shipping that's 15 off your entire order plus free shipping with code bears at manscape.com or if you need it today you can also find manscaped at a store near you it comes with a 1 to 10 millimeter comb plus an 11 to 20 millimeter comb and adjusts in a smooth 1.5 millimeter increments so no more fumbling with a bunch of different guards this episode is sponsored by better help may is mental health awareness month and here is a reminder that whatever you're going through you don't have to go through it alone life is a journey some of us are lost in the woods right now some of us feel good some of us feel overwhelmed and some of us are lost in the woods right now some of us feel overwhelmed but whatever you're going through at night whatever's keeping you up at night waking you up in the morning it's easy to feel like you're going through it all by yourself and you have to figure it out all on your own but the truth is no one has all the answers no journey should be alone having someone with you to listen understand and support you can make all the difference i woke up this morning with a little bit of depression and i said to leanne hey can we schedule an appointment with our therapist our therapy uh couples therapy lately has been a lot of me talking about it and i said to leanne hey can we schedule an appointment with our therapist our therapy uh couples therapy lately has been a lot of me talking and leanne saying that's the truth i'm going through it with three people listen better help than Therapists work according to a strict code of conduct and are fully licensed in the U.S. BetterHelp does the initial matching work so you can focus on your therapy goals. A short questionnaire helps you identify your needs and preferences. And their 12-plus years of experience and industry-leading match fulfillment rate means typically they get it right the first time. And if you aren't happy with your match, you can switch to therapists at any time from their tailored recs. With over 30,000 therapists, BetterHelp is the world's largest online therapy platform, having served over 6 million people globally. And it works, with an average rating of 4.9 out of 5 for a live session based on over 1.7 million client reviews. You don't have to be on this journey alone. Find support and have someone with you in therapy. Sign up and get 10% off at betterhelp.com slash bears. That's betterhelp.com slash bears. How come it wasn't straight, though? It was right. Why does it rock hard? Why is it still sitting on your balls? It gets limp. It goes in and starts getting limp, and all the gel starts going around it. So wait, at what percentage of. Did you have to shave? Yeah, you got to shave everything. Go clean. What percentage of all of you is the bust? Oh, I would. Actually, pretty good. I would say that is a solid 70%. Wow. Okay. I'm going to open that box. It gets just a little bit harder. You've never opened it? I haven't opened the box. It's literally on my mantle. Really? No, I have Bert's pecker on my mantle. It's insane. That's insane. Yeah. Guys, check out. Check out Free Bert streaming right now on Netflix. Yeah, Free Bert on Netflix. Hey, season two of Very Bad Ideas comes out. Let's go. Let's go. Bad thoughts. Thank you. Bad thoughts. May 25th. Tom's series. Very Bad Ideas. If you ever. You know, it's so funny. Tom, when you came up with Very Bad Thoughts, what was the thought process? Let me see how many sex scenes I can cram into a sketch show. There's a couple. There's a couple. Yeah. There's also diarrhea, incest, a huge cock. Yeah, there's a bunch. But this season's totally different. It's more racist. No, I heard. I heard. I heard. I heard someone who was like, I got pages and I had to turn down the project. We got a few people that said that we shouldn't make this show. And they called the agency and the network and they were like, this should not. You shouldn't make this. This is going to hurt people. It's going to hurt people. He sent me an offer. He said, hey, are you free on this day? I said, I think I am. And he goes, great. I got a part for you. It's called a human piece of shit. You'll be in hair and makeup for about five hours. I go, wait, I'm going to actually be a human piece of shit. And he goes, do you have a problem with that? I said, no. I go, what are my lines? He goes, no lines. Just a human piece of shit. No, it wasn't a human piece of shit. It was a hog tit shit beast. A hog tit shit beast. So check out Very Bad Thoughts streaming on Netflix May 25th. You would have been perfect. Thank you, Tom. Should we bring another comedian up? Yes, let's do it. And try to share our experience? Yes. You know who's here? Who's here? The Are You Garbage guys. Let's get them here. H Foley, Kevin Ryan. I love y'all. Thank y'all so much for having me, baby. Give Jelly Roll a huge hand. We could not do this without him. All right. Guys, it's going to take Foley a second. He just ran his first 5K, so he's on his way. There he is. I see him. There he is. You know the Are You Garbage guys? Give it up. Where's Kevin? Here's H Foley. Hell yeah. Where's Kevin? If Kevin's not here in three seconds, I'm going to start freaking out. Okay, he's coming. He's coming. Is that mic hot? He's coming. This mic is hot, baby. Thanks for having us, fellas. Thank you for coming. If Kevin Ryan was here, he would say the same thing. Hey, ladies and gentlemen, Kevin Ryan. And it did take me a long time to get up here. I was out there with the fans walking around with the real people out there. What a pandering motherfucker. That piece. Hollywood fat cats over here. Am I right, guys? Hoffa. Hoffa. Not these Epstein pilot-loving motherfuckers. Not these motherfuckers in here. Am I right? This is going out? Too much? I apologize. This is wild. Is this your first one? No. I did it two years ago. You did? Yeah. You did? You don't remember the helicopter that was the same thing? No, I did it last year. Two years ago. No, here. We did it here. Last year in Tampa? I didn't. I didn't. Down in Tampa? You don't say nothing? You got me out here in L.A.? Jesus Christ. Tampa. You're more of a Tampa guy. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Dude. Yeah. We just did side splitters, what, like a month and a half ago? Uh-huh. Stop bragging. Oh, I'm sorry. Side splitters. Am I right, gang? Oh, my God. Dude, what the fuck happened to you? But we walked by this hotel on the water. Yeah. I told you this the other day. There was a dude out there playing Steely Dan. We almost walked. We walked in and never came out. It was like that dream sequence in Sopranos when he almost walks into the house. That's how this comes from, is that? Yeah. Yeah. Oh, I am 100% a Florida man. We know. Yeah. That's my town. Yeah. I can't wait to go back. Second wife, open up a gym slash beach bar. Yeah. If you're from Florida, are you just inherently garbage? I think if you're up in like the panhandle up by Jacksonville. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You got fucking fireworks in the bedroom. Yeah. If you're west of Orlando, north of Tampa. Yeah. That's all garbage all the way up to Destin. I agree. Pensacola. Yeah. We did the one you did a couple years ago when Jelly Roll did it. We did the first one. We did the very first one. Yes. Now, you guys are both looking good. How much are you down? I'm down like 50 pounds. Nice. 50. Way to go, Ken. Congrats. Yeah. Everybody says that. I mean, it's a lot. I'm happy to say I am down four pounds. Nice. It's like 75 pounds I'm down. 75? 75. That's incredible. That's Zep-bound. That's all organ tissue and shit. That's organ tissue. Okay. That stuff's bad news, kids. I did get a bone density scan. It was bad. Yeah. How bad? Like pre-osteoporosis. Yeah. So don't bump into me on the way out of here. Holy shit. I need a glass of milk. Stack. Have you done a DEXA scan? What's a DEXA scan? That's the thing I just got. Yo. If you got the money, I'll get it for you. The guy out here in L.A. Did you? Did you? I've done it. I've done it. Yeah, yeah. You do it, and it shows you your bones, and then it's like the meanest man drew like a cartoon character of your fat and your tiny little balls. Yeah. Dude, it's so bad. And he tells you. He's like, you're gross. He like tells you. Dude, the girl did it in the lobby and held it up in front of all these hot chicks. And she's like, yeah, you can see. I'm like, put that shit down, lady. No, I did that shit in high school. Look how fat this guy is. It's crazy. I already went through the presidential fitness test. I'm not doing that shit again. No. But you guys are at the point now where, of course, you both should be doing that. There's no reason for the two of you to ever die. You're aware of that. You guys have. You should be getting those full body scans every three days. Yeah. No shit. Right. Red light therapy, fucking injections, everything. Yeah. I got my DEXA scan, and they said I was 40% fat, which out of 100% doesn't sound that bad. That's not bad. You're good. I was like, yeah. Congratulations to Bert, dude. I was like, nice. And he goes, your wife's 22%. And I go, well, that sounds fat. I don't think. Gross. We should lower that one, right? Yeah. That's good. I'm trying to get healthy, though. We're trying. We're trying to take after you. Get healthy. Yeah. You guys got healthy. I'm going to say this out loud right now. And I know this. You're not supposed to say this in Hollywood. I am on Manjaro. I am doing the terror's uptide shot. It fucking works. I'm down. You're so brave. Fucking pounds. No, but no one talks about it. Everybody. And listen, if you're struggling with weight, it is a great. It's like taking Zoloft for fat. People. Yeah. That's the thing about Bert. Like he's open. He's a Holocaust denier, but he's open about his injection. I just didn't know. No, it wasn't a thing before World War Two. I thought they sent Jews down there to like save seats by the pool. Yeah. These are taken. But the Palestinians going, my towel was on that chair. Now you move. Sorry. Take it. Take it. That's perfect casting for you. You have to do broad. Yeah. Yeah. I'm in. Yeah. Let's do it. We're Sarandos at what the hell's going on. He's around here. That's a good pitch. Hey, thanks for inviting us at a brunch, by the way. Getting fucking iced off it at. All right. Well, we're not going to go next year. Did you guys go to the brunch? No, I didn't even know. You didn't miss it. We're so we're so we're so out of like a couple of dickheads. We're so out of touch. We didn't. People are like, you get invited to the brunch. I'm like, where norms? I didn't know what was happening. I was blocking Kevin Hart from getting into the store the other night by accident. I dropped my wristband like in a little alleyway when they come in in the back. That's good. It was like an ice cube. I couldn't pick it up. It was like flat on the ground. I kept trying to pinch it, grab it. I couldn't get it. And him and his security guard were trying to come through. The cops were like, what's going on? And I look down and I see Foley reaching on the ground. I'm like, we're jammed the fuck up over here. I dropped a bag. Hang on. There's a lot of noise out there when it comes to hair loss from the 10 and 1 shampoos, expensive clinic visits and random. It can be difficult to find what actually works for you. Hims makes it simple to take control of hair regrowth and regain. gain your confidence with personalized care with doctor trusted ingredients like finasteride and minoxidil can stop further hair loss and regrow hair in as little as three to six months you shouldn't have to go out of your way to feel like yourself hymns brings expert care straight to you with 100 online access to personalized treatment plans to put your goals first for simple online access to personalized and affordable care for hair loss weight loss and more visit hymns.com slash bears that's hymns.com slash bears for your free online visit hymns.com slash bears featured products include compounded drug products which the fda does not approve or verify for safety effectiveness or quality prescription required see website for full details restrictions and important safety information individual results may vary based on studies of topical and oral minoxidil and finasteride i'm going to let you in on a little secret when it comes to running a business most department heads have no idea how much all of their hair loss and those last minute shipping runs are costing them and that means it's almost always ends up costing more than it should with ship station you can automatically compare rates across ups usps and fedex on every order for up to 90 savings everything from order management to inventory and returns is centralized in one platform and with built-in returns management you can even turn returns into revenue without slowing down your team over 1 million businesses leveled up their shipping gains and their shipping costs have been increased by over a million dollars with ship station customers report scaling up fulfillment up to 40 times while cutting costs up to 30 and the cutting of costs with ship station goes beyond the margins start getting back your time money and peace of mind and i think there is nothing better than the interface they provide which shows you the comparable rates what's been ordered what's gone out and with whom the sooner you switch the sooner you start saving time and money get started with ship station today and get 60 days free at shipstation.com with the code cave that's shipstation.com the code word is cave shipstation.com code cave taxes and fees may apply if you've been watching for a while you know i used to look different and getting the weight off was one thing but actually helped me bring my body back to where it needs to be was getting my testosterone right that's why when i heard about mars men it was a no-brainer mars men is a natural supplement with a solid lineup of research-backed ingredients designed to support healthy testosterone levels so your body can actually burn fat build muscle and re-up on energy all without the synthetic hormones and stimulants if you're got in your 30s or 40s feeling like your body is working against you this is definitely worth giving a shot especially with their 90-day zero risk money-back guarantee for a limited time our listeners can get 50 off for life plus free shipping and three free gifts at men go to mars.com that's men go to mars.com for 50 off and three free gifts when you check out it's also available on amazon after you purchase they will ask you where you heard about them please support our show and tell them we sent you are you guys going to the roast uh i don't we're gonna get invited to that you don't get invited to anything i'm gonna pull down my pants you can make fun of my penis too we didn't even get invited to this we had to register online like no shit fucking dickheads i paid 28.99 getting shaken down when i come in there's no goal i swear to god i'm so sorry whatever people are like yo what's up kippy and the guys like got me pushed up against the fence i'm like all right not to mention you show up to the airbnb when we did the podcast a month ago yeah no fucking croissants fuck you're right we're in austin what kind of guest are you we should have been a fucking helicopter and no patience should have no streets i should have no guys check out chicho bomba please go to chicho bomba in austin we have three locations please come out and see us home run it's delicious man it's you'll get so fat it's so good i can't wait yeah i'm here now you're ready ready to go let's lay off the zip down for a week before i go down here what's in uh what's like so this is where two bears are we have our 5k what's the big get for are you garbage what would be your big tent pole get the fans out and are you garbage two gram k next year tampa florida two grand everybody gets two grams two free ones two gram k rest you gotta pay for none of this running bullshit we'll do some beers have some hot dogs some tomato pie from philly we'll get some water ice couple escorts couple escorts things are going great over here yeah hell yeah dude garbage this is fucking amazing man this is awesome it really is we went a different way this year didn't we we didn't yeah the route was yes we walked around the golf course which was nice beautiful it was better and also the shortcut was so much better the shortcut was so i didn't do that little thing you just told me you did i was like you took the shortcut at the end he goes now i finished the whole thing i said i was being fully honest fully is that what you call it yeah yeah we coined it this week he he's not lying but he's never told the truth hey dan hold on i think i understand yeah exactly what's going on yeah yeah here's you and you where did we yeah yeah you're telling it the story's like yeah i didn't really drink last night but i had a couple drinks yes i didn't drink yes right yeah i always say i mean dude the other day burka's you know so it's you two and then me and tom like who's who out of the me and tom i'm like are you fucking kidding me i had chopstick in my nose at the time this was awesome this was great yeah this was amazing you should do more the turkey vultures that were following me around the course was real fun too you really dress for the occasion too i was trying to wear something slimming you're just like a mobster in the witness re-protection i can't i can't show my i got varicose veins i can't show my legs people love that shit no yes really and only fans for that kind of stuff yes yeah yeah i should start showing my butthole and only fans no face little dick big butt is the hole big the hole's bad really if you stare at my ass all along enough you'll see how you're gonna die and hey spoiler it's by his asshole will you take a massive shit after this no no you said you wouldn't let me poop in your upstairs bathroom you can definitely poop there would you let me poop in your master bathroom 100 yeah thank you yeah yeah and we got the uh spray thing the anal spray oh you put no you put in the suckers thing the asian thing you put in the toilet yeah we put it in the toilet sticks its little head out and then sprays your asshole you say anal spray to me that going that's going in the asshole oh yeah yeah oh sometimes i let it break the o ring and go into me to loosen shit up and then i shit that out yeah sometimes you get a surprise second shit when you use that it's pretty exciting if you can just suck in yeah when the water hits your asshole yeah you get a little bit of a flush you get a bonus peri enemas oh yeah i might want to consult a physician before doing that oh no i can't be good for you no i with the first time i ever had one of those i was in asia i was in japan and it turned me on so much i jerked off oh what a colonic no no no the the bidet oh i was like all right i gotta try jerking off to the greatest yeah whenever i do a colonic i always get hard do you really yeah is that weird okay yeah i thought we were in la how much did you love the way you feel after a client oh man it's the best greatest that's the one thing i like with the zet bound is i overeat i get real sick i get massive diarrhea and throw up and i feel fantastic me too it's the best i'm ready for the weekend yeah a little pasta right before bed and all of a sudden you're up throwing up in the middle of the night great and you're not drunk and you're not sick you're just throwing up just healthy just healthy yeah healthy healthy throwing up i hear a storm in my stomach really like it's it sounds like you know like thunder coming off it comes out of both ends oh it's great wow and sometimes if we have something the next day like if we have a big guest coming in and i and it happens i'll make myself throw up in the morning so i don't have ozempic burps while we're doing the podcast that's thoughtful he's a good team player that's a real thoughtful thing to do yeah and he'll throw it in our face afterwards but i fucking puked this morning for this is that jelly's phone or your phone that's jelly's that's mine uh is jelly's over there all right you got it no good no if jelly gets another fucking phone i'm gonna die if we find this is like the 10th phone number he's had really yeah that's always fun though when you pick who you're gonna give the new number to that's a fun i was shocked i made i made your cut yeah of course what are you talking about i don't know you got a new number you're scary sometimes what you're new number no like when i say anytime you get a new number you get to go through your phone book and decide who in your phone book gets the new number huh you've never done this i'm not this is i it's funny you mentioned that i'm in a weird spot right now my old phone got wet like four days ago this feels like fully honest from the jump no it's 100 okay this is full this is fully honest this is fully honest okay i'll tell you fully honest in a second but my phone got wet i don't know my apple id i had to get a new phone because i couldn't talk to anybody i don't have any uber or anything like that no Venmo, no seamless, nothing like that. fucking apple shut my whole infrastructure down it was like a fucking iranian radar system just gone okay so i had to get this and i don't know anybody's number now so i'm like who's this who's this oh you don't have any of it yeah oh yeah i gotta get my venmo back up because i owe some people money oh shit it ain't the boy scouts so he loses his phones off so now he's got to operate you're operating off a laptop i believe i got a laptop i just got a laptop this feels like an episode of the show this is like some real garbage shit it's insane he just dude we're in midtown he's like he leaves without a phone he goes i'm going to we make him an appointment at the apple store because he doesn't have any internet connection and then he just walks into man he just leaves the studio i go we might never see him again it's me in the city i felt like midnight cowboy walking around 14 hours later we get an email me and our producer dear dudes i got a new phone but i didn't remember my apple id i'm in the process of getting it so i can restore all my old apps and stuff like that but right this is all one sentence but right now i'm flying blind so i can't take calls and texts and i don't know anybody's number and i don't have access to any my apps i had to take a cab to get back to the apartment this has been the worst night of my life bro if you need me i'll call you'll need to call or text me if you're both i hope you're both doing well and i love you both hopefully to talk to you soon and this is all behind us henry this is it's a sentence that's what there's no punctuation the apartment is a studio in the address i like that it's on a broad zone to come by my wife walked out on me penthouse apartment in story of queens i'm living in a fucking one bedroom cold flat in fucking 49th street nel's kitchen this is unbelievable not in the end not all this is public you're really choosing this is this is a fucking reality show this is insane i would i don't know how netflix doesn't follow this we're to be guys anyway yeah you're to be guys yeah i tell you what you know the world's coming to an end when we when when they fuck up to be full fully are you how close are you to figuring out your apple id i just i just got to figure it out you did yeah i got it this morning it's a new it's a new new new code i can't give it out now yeah personally but it's something that you remembered when you saw it no no i change it all the time because i'll download some shady app that requires to log in and then i'll forget what it is oh you're not talking about no dude i have i i go so i started with a good password and now i've gotten so aggressive i've gotten so aggressive i've gotten so aggressive i've gotten so aggressive so that i won't forget it what is it the best one i gave isla my apple watch and the password was uh three two three and so the the teacher takes the apple watch from her and the alarm starts going off and says to isla what's the password not it goes i can't tell you but i can put it in she goes tell me the password not it goes i'd rather not she's in grade school at the time and the teacher goes just tell me the password and that kind of goes capital lowercase three two three and the lady was like just type it in that's awesome i had a i had a woman i worked with i needed her email i needed her password for like this my last day job was for like assault was software i'm like hey just give me your login i need to log in she's like i don't want to do it same thing i'm like just give it a nice buttoned up lady i'm like what is it just give it to me and she's like she wrote it down and slid it on a piece of paper to me and it was slut sick and i'm like what is it just give it to me and she's like she wrote it down and slid it 69 and the s was a dollar sign because you had to have a thing wow and i was like all right it's between me and you yeah i had an email address i still have it you can hit me up if you want and leanne i was on leanne's computer and i was on my gmail and she sent a gmail accidentally from my account to the girl scouts to the head of the girl scouts and the lady replied i think you sent this from the wrong email account my email account was romeo horse cock at gmail.com i was like the fuck would you have that up for i was like i was checking my gmail bro you realize that story is true and so is that you are in the epstein files isn't that crazy you are yeah my man up top i know that's hollywood right there yeah yeah they were like they were like friends they were friends is that true it was florida you know it was like a florida thing golf and his buddies like they were just they would like hang out they he actually was friends with him but he said you know he's like he said that jeff j j e whatever he calls him he's like he is kind of a dick so he did say that he's not cool but he was friends he was weird an egg-shaped dick from what i've heard yeah yeah yeah yeah he got he got handsy whatever really jeffy yeah do you see his suicide note did you see a suicide note what did you say they just released it what's it say i killed myself i swear to god anyone see a suicide note hillary did not do this bill was not on that plane shout out check out freebert streaming right now on netflix that's in a suicide note that's crazy that's pretty good because it was so so it was just an idea at the time that i bounced off him on a plane huh i was like man if we ever go to jail free jeff free bert and he goes that's a good name i was like yeah dude yeah jeff jeff was weird but jeff loved food right he was oh he was a big foodie yeah that's cool yeah what did it was like his favorite thing baby carrots he liked veal veal baby carrots that's cool the baby carrots is better that's awesome man i'm not in the epstein files everybody did you go to the funeral no i was in his email because he was a okay that sounds that's a birdism i'm not in the files but you know yeah that's the bird truth that's fully honest that's fully honest yeah yeah that's cool yeah what did he say about you why were you in there it could be a little stop you brought it up dude this is what good job good guy blow job tom deflects his own drama no me and garth brooks when i meet him i'm just gonna give him a hug and go i know and sly by the way it wouldn't be him in the files it would be you you're the quiet one right yeah you're the creep but he is in it in his defense it's 30 pages it's not like a lot of stuff and there's photos of them at the beach and just throwing the ball they're not doing something weird just so you know see i could see you and steven hawking jerking off on a cookie together or something fucking weird like that hey lorna dune fuck lorna dune so she wants to play sloppy biscuits steven isn't that crazy that that's where he went hawking's yeah you realize that he was just sick of the fucking life yet and then he was like all right if there's a creep island who cares that guy gonna do cruise around the mall like what the fuck that's where you go wait steven hawkins was it went to epstein's island yeah stay at ramps yes yes he was super dental office jesus i'm so glad you brought that up so many people talk about epstein that way and nobody talks about how thoughtful it was to have you know yeah accessible he was like thinking about the less fortunate i heard osha went in there was like pretty good pretty good pretty good yeah guys don't know osha check it out should we bring ari up yes you guys want to stick around for ari not really not really not a fan of that guy where is ari ari shaffer right here ari shaffer's hey there he is boys we love you so much we love you guys we love you guys we love you guys we love you great job today everybody ari take a seat see you brother hey i love you man thank you ladies and gentlemen you want this fear let him hear it you want this one why is that one better i got it all nice and herped up for you there you go the yoga man is here doing yoga at the two bears 5k for us at nine o'clock this morning back from his world tour where he did not do stand-up just saw the world ari shaffer thank you what do you think about that bert taking time off nope nope all right we're gonna be dead one day yeah i can fill up a uh minor league uh high school um waiting room and bert worked hard and look what he's done yep what no no nothing i don't think they recognize you with the beard um you're not how long is this beard gonna last i think it's gonna last for a while i'll try to take it to a year are you serious it's july full shave in july and then uh i don't know wait did you run today what did you run i'm sorry the mic's off what'd you say no i taught a yoga class and then i don't know and then i was already heat stroked yeah i went out there and i'm like it's brutal yeah you ran last time i did no i walked last time i was going to run with brian simpson and he said hold on my shin hurts can we walk for five minutes i was like yeah sure he goes i mean you can go ahead i'm like no it's five minute break i'll do it with you and then uh we ran for another 30 seconds and then he goes i gotta take another break you can go ahead and i was like fucking fat brian i was like dude i'll just walk with you and he was like okay it was a lovely stroll nice stroll with brian who walked the 5k you're the real winners you're the real winners yeah yeah you are the real winners was uh uh so how much money did you make on this is the end A lot. Thank you for supporting it. on it so far. Hell yeah, you're all heroes. Thank you guys for doing that. More than those cowards went to Vietnam. You're the real heroes. I have one group of Vietnamese people here. Well, they were on the wrong side. So it did well. Congratulations. Yeah, thanks. And you can get it at YMH.com YMH Studios. Very bad things coming out soon. This is the end with Ari Shaffir all on YMH.com Thank you, Bert, for that plug. Dude, I saw you with Shaq last night and you've never looked thinner than that in your life. Yeah, or whiter. He's tiny. Shaq is such a massive fucking dude. Dude, Shaq's life, he is so patient with everyone. Can I tell you a story? Is it about Kobe? I'll wait till you. Yeah, Kobe ran him out. Go ahead. Brett Ernst told me this. He's at a restaurant and there was a child's party in the side room and they saw Shaq there at the bar eating and he goes, Hey, Shaq, can you come say hi to the kids? They would make their day. And he goes, Man, I'm eating right now. Give me a minute. I'll come over afterwards. And the guy's like, We really would make their day. He goes, Yeah, all right. Give me a minute. Finished. Then went over with those kids, picked them all up, started playing with them for an hour and a half. Fucked around with those kids, played the entire tab and got out. Rude. Damn. I would never have done that. Never. They would have left and gone. Ari said, You're going to pick up his tab. I would pick off their leftovers. I'm like, These kids don't eat enough. It was crazy. The amount of people that walked into the green room to me. I got a story to fucking tell you. Yeah. Oh, okay. How many people showed up just to come in to meet Shaq and get a picture with Shaq and Shaq was so patient. All he really, you know, like his only thing he wanted on his rider was a lotion hands. Yeah, the easiest. And by the way, flew in private to do the show, flew out private like just the most. So this guy can fly private, but he can't afford hand lotion. He didn't have it with him. Lunel Lunel showed up with hand lotion. Yeah. Nell crushed Lunel crush dude. She's so Jackson destroyed Sam Morrell murdered Matt Rife. I mean, every big J everyone fucking killed on that goddamn show. That's fucking awesome. Yeah, you did it with Shaq. Isn't that weird that you're friends with Shaq? It is bizarre. It is bizarre. Yeah, it is bizarre. It's weird, right? Yeah, I think any being friends with any celebrity. I remember one time I was saying to Rogan I was like, I was like, it's so nice now that AI can reply to your text and I don't have to stress about replying to celebrities and he goes, what celebrities, you know, and I go, I don't know. It's just a couple and then I realized I'm talking to one of the most famous people. Yeah, he's like, do you use that for me? And I was like, oh, yeah, sometimes it is fun to talk like to realize your friends are huge just in a moment like me and Stefano went to a game that we're walking up because he gets like good seats and everyone wrecked. I was like, wait, did you get famous? Yeah, it's like, yeah, hella. Yeah, Joe's Joe's too famous. That's crazy famous. I don't walk too close to Joe because snipers sometimes miss. Yeah, so nuts. I walk by. I let you understand next to him. You stand next to him. I'll stand out some indoors. You don't want that level. Oh, you know, it's so funny is you remember when Joe was like, I want to get less famous. Yes, and he just got a hundred times more. He was like mid fear factor saying that no one calls him the fear factor guy anymore. No one calls him the fear factor guy anymore. You're right. They call him the how dare you have that person on your show guy. That's a good nickname. That's a good Native American nickname. Joe, how dare you have that person on your shows? Joe speaks with presidents like that's crazy though. No, it's fun to see you guys get recognized though. I like it. I like being out with you. I like seeing you get recognized. What are you talking about? You get recognized all the time. Yeah, but it's fun to see other people. Yeah, it's fun. It's fun. I saw I was at lunch with Joe one time and this child wanted to say hi to him like 13 years old. No, a child. Okay, and his security was like, no, no. And then I just I was behind and I went, yeah, come on in because I thought maybe he wanted to say hi to me. The best is we were having dinner one time with the wildest table of people like Taylor Sheridan me Joe David Goggins are why and a fan snuck in to say hi to me and didn't realize the table that was there. That feels good. And he was like, dude, bird. I'm just anyone. Holy fuck. And then he looked and then Joe goes, how the fuck did he get in here? And they were like, he wanted to see Bert. Yeah, that's funny. Yeah. Hey, let me ask you guys a question. Remember when we did this not happening? Yeah, of course. Those are fucking great. Yeah. That was the best. You guys remember their stories on this not happening? Flying dildos. That was one of the best. That was not even my favorite of yours. Tracy Morgan's the best. Tracy Morgan never be spoken of. Wait, which is which was the story I told. Put that one in fighting a bear fighting a bear was yeah, fighting a bear that was like, uh, I was a big bump. I think I was a big bump from one thing. I was when the internet was kind and like you do a story and they be like, God, can you believe that came out? How cool. And now you go on the internet and they're like enough. This guy's a fucking narcissist. You're like, by the way, my therapist says you can be a good narcissist. Sure. Yeah, you're a sweet one. Yeah. Narcissism creates shit like this. Like narcissism is not bad. Narcissism, spite, all good driving forces. Great. By the way. So this is what my therapist said. A nurse like I only do shit if it affects me, right? Like I only care about how I feel at the end of the day. I don't cheat on my wife because I don't live without her. Right. But I don't think about her feelings, but I know that I'd be fucked up if I didn't have her. Right. This is the most honest I've ever heard anyone. It's the truth. You know? Yeah. I don't talk shit about Tom. Not because I don't want to. I want to, but he doesn't do shit worth talking shit about. There we go. Wow. There it is. There it is. He's low level. That was painful. What do you think, Tom? Fat or skinny? What do you prefer? Take away the living longer. There's two very different Toms. Okay. Like Tom Fat was broke. There he is now. There's Tom Fat right now. Look at his trouble sitting. Tom Tom Fat was didn't know he had money yet. That was a fun Tom. Like when he was like, I could buy like four iPhone chargers. I don't have to have just one across the room. That was a fun discovery. Yeah. And it was a fun purchase and like and like he didn't know how to make dinner yet. So he'd buy he'd make a plate with like nine things on it. He was like, I can buy all these vegetables. Vegetables. That's how we know it's made up. And now he's got a chef who prepares a meal. No, but this guy or slave. Yeah, go ahead. You prefer do you prefer 325 pound bird or 285 pound bird? Yeah. Which one do you like more? I mean, we're taking apart living longer, right? I mean the 325 pounder of literally just three months ago. Yeah. It's kind of got a tiger woods fun vibe kind of guy. Yeah, it was fun vibe where you're like anything. He can't shit on you too much because you're like remember how you're gonna die in a week. Yeah. And then he'd be like, all right, knock it off. And then yeah, here comes fucking 345 pound bird. It's hard. It was fun. Also the menu guys. I don't think you've ever been with somebody who says one of each please. That's not an exaggeration. It's not an exaggeration. What a joy. It was fucking massive eating and then you're like sick one of each for everybody. He goes, I mean, get what you want. Order something fat. Tom was broke. So he'd go through phases like he went through a pecan pie phase. That's crazy to go to a specific flavor of pie phase. Well, it was his wife's grandmother's recipe and I had it at their house. I was like, this is fucking unbelievable. She goes, I gave y'all. I'll give you the rest. Pay if you want that and I was like, yeah, I would love that. And then it was like a challenge. I'm going to make this pie from scratch and I made it and I was amazing. I should make seven more, you know, well, if you make one pecan pie, you might as well make two and if you're making two, fuck it, make four. Yeah, freezers empty and now Tom's got a fucking bro, a kitchen full of pecan pie. It was 30 pounds in a month. Tom fat was such a piece of shit. Disgusting. He was more gross than you were. Oh, yeah, your belly is pushed out. Tom was a saggy Tom looked like he had the liposurgery, but like from 500 to 300 it was yeah, I see old videos of you on this, not by all this stuff and it's like really trouble breathing, swallowing, just basic human stuff. His body was like we're giving up. He would travel with hot sauce. Yeah, he would have hot sauce with him at all times. Yeah, that's true. Very fat. Lots of diarrhea to a lot of that. Yeah, a lot of talking about shit. You were a different guy. You would talk about making brown all the time. Well, it was a big part of my life. I would wake up and be like, oh my God, and then I would do and my body would say, "This needs to happen again." I remember it was comical when he started fat shaming me because he was so fat. It was a joke. And then. I wouldn't say it was a joke. You both should have felt a lot of shame. Right. Yeah. Hey, can I pause for a second? Yeah. Dude, you let him finish and then you talked. That was great. Yeah, he finished his thought and then you broke in. It was like, give do where do is do. Yeah. It was fucking solid. Yeah, well, we're done with that. Go ahead. How does it feel to see your sweet Israeli friend? I missed you so much when I was traveling. I miss both you guys. Yeah, I texted him and tried calling him a bunch. My number is done. I know. Oh, yeah. I know. You called me right before I left. And then one day you just disappeared. Your number disappeared. And I went, oh, fuck. Did I get blocked? Yeah. And then I was like, I wonder if I did something. And then. Look up two texts saying I'm about to delete this number. But your nub fingers back then couldn't scroll. It probably was your sausage digits. Yeah. Yeah. Wait, you thought I was ignoring you? I was like, I wonder what's going on. Then I was like, ah, whatever. That's sad. I know. I was like, I don't know what I did. But then I was like. Do you guys hate each other? I do this. Hate themselves. Hate yourself so much that when somebody doesn't text you back, like, well, I guess he's just cutting me out. I'll just. All right. Fine. A thousand percent. Yeah. Yeah. I got to stop. Sorry, I was camping. What's up? And you're like, oh, you're back in my life. Joe DeRosa just showed up, everybody. King, everybody. Joe DeRosa, come on up here. Wow, you look great for the 5K. You ran it clean. With no socks. That's wild. What was your time? Grab my mic right here, Joe. What was your time, Joe? What was my time on the 5K? Yeah. Wasn't it 24? I did it in 11 minutes. Wow. 11 minutes. That's great. That's a new record. Joe DeRosa has the new record. Give it up for him, everybody. Thank you. That's pretty amazing. Good job. It's good to see all of you. It's good to see you three. Good to see you. What's going on? I can hear you. I could hear you from all the way over there. Yeah. So can Palestine. We're coming. Huh? How horrible. We're trying to silence that, Joe. How horrible was the moment where you were like, fuck, that's Ari's voice? Oh, yeah. It's immediate. It's immediate, right? Yeah. Immediate. Fucking Ari. I mean, it just cuts through everything. I don't know. It's weird. It's very weird. I could hear you guys talking, but I couldn't. I just sounded like voices. Yeah. But Ari's thick. Fucking Jew voice just really cut through the air. Yeah. Just. It's always been like that. It's just punishing. It just says like Jew. That's what it feels like. It's like a slow motion. It's a deep baritone Jew voice. It's just like a. You can almost hear it. You can almost like every time I hear Ari talk, I see this. Yes. Yeah. It's just such a powerful stance on stage. It's just to not move and do this for an hour and a half. My people can change the weather. I'm not enjoying. I'm not enjoying any of this. You have a woman's shelter posture on stage. You're like, what happened to you just now? That's right. I don't want to talk about it. You stand like an abused lady. You ever have somebody go to like touch the air and go like that? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Like, wow, Joe, you're the biggest pig in comedy. What have you done this week so far? But what shows? No. Pig shit. Pig shit. Pig shit. I just just booze like a lot of drinking. Yeah. A lot of drinking every night. I went from here from Austin with you to here and my body is shutting down. Yeah. I know. Austin was a hard. That was a hard run because you were in town and we were drinking every night. And then Tom, I saw Tom the first night. And he. He goes, you got to come to the five K thing on Saturday. I was like, yeah, that's right. Wait, what time is that at? He's like, you can get there at like 11. And I was like, yeah, he was like, no, Doros is like, well, I have shows at 11. He's like, no. Yeah. There's an AM. He's like, come on. He goes, but doesn't that mean I got to leave by like 10? I'm like, yeah, you can do that. But I go, the problem is Tom is I have my own show Friday night and I'm going to kind of turn it up after. And he goes, what time's your show? I go seven. And he goes, so you think you get done at eight? Eight 30. You're going to drink so much. You wouldn't be able to wake up at 10 AM on Saturday. And I was like, yeah, yeah, that is kind of how it goes. How deep did you go? Actually, kind of a light night. It was because I knew I wanted to at least get over here before close for the easy part of today. Did you naturally wake up or set the alarm? I naturally woke up at what? Around what time? I usually naturally wake up every day at like at the latest nine or nine 30 because my anxiety I've pissed the bed. I have to get up and change the sheets. You look fantastic. You do look great. You don't look like you were up late last night, buddy. I'm shooting testosterone. Like it's fucking, you, you, you got me on it, dude. Testosterone is better than having a big dick. It is nice. It is the best. Yeah. You got me on it. You don't remember this. Bert Kreischer. Uh, you were, you were directing or producing Shane Torres's special in Brooklyn. Yeah. And I came out to hang out. And we were standing at the bar and I go, Bert, I don't know what to do. And you go, what do you mean? And I go, my doctor said I have to slow down drinking, but I don't want to stop drinking at all. And you go to your assistant, you go get them in the cocktail, get them on it right now. And the guy texted me immediately. Yeah. And a week later I was shooting testosterone is reparative to your liver. They couldn't sell DeRosa on doing it until he called it a cocktail. Oh, Ari. Jesus. Anyway, that's, that's, that's it. None of the puns, minimal exercise and testosterone. You look great. How much weight have you dropped? 50 pounds. Whoa. Yeah. That's amazing. Yeah. Thanks. Watch out for my belly button. Well, you don't like to get it. The stop. What? Nothing. No, I'm going to get up and leave this. No, no, no. I don't like my belly button. I have a weird belly button phobia. It's the reason I started losing weight for real is I was in Hawaii and you couldn't see it. No. And my belly button disappeared. It became an Audi. And I swear to God. Stop. I was putting sunscreen on me and she went, Oh buddy, we got to do something about that. And I said, what? And she goes, she goes, you're, you lost your belly button. I think you outgrew it. And I was like, wait, what? And then Georgia goes, it's an Audi. And then they both were like, Oh my God, can you feel it? Touch your shirt. And I could feel my belly button touching my shirt. It really did. It did. Let me see. No, no, no. Don't touch it. I'm not going to touch it. So it actually went out and came back in. Went out and it can, I would, it was, it was giving me, can I tell you what it actually is? It's a hernia. Yeah. It's a hernia. Yeah. And now I don't have it. I got rid of all of my hernia by doing abs and working out. I had the one right here, the fin and it's gone. Wait, you got rid of it without surgery with that. Well, I went to, I talked to a doctor and the doctor's like, don't do the fucking surgery. It's a fucking nightmare. And I was like, for real. And they're like, yeah, it's like eight week recovery. Jesus. Yeah. And so they were like, really? You can fix it with, with working out. Like if you lose weight. So I lost 50 pounds. I do abs and the, this one's gone and this one's gone. That's insane. I don't think that's medically possible, but I congratulate you. Yeah. My doctor was like, that will not go away no matter what. Oh, what doctor have you ever gone to? I went to a doctor. How long have you been shitting blood? I know. And what third world country were you in when you went to the doctor? Did you go here or did you go on one of your weird trips? Clothes and your head on a pillow. When you saw this doctor, I was getting filled from behind. Does that still work that way? What do you still have that problem? Shitting blood. Yeah. It's not, I don't call it a problem. It's like autism. There's no cure. I think there's a cure. What? There's absolutely a cure. How many people here have shit blood in the last year? Champions. Yeah. You won't be here next year. That's fucking crazy. This isn't the best test group. But, but here's the thing, dude. Here's why it is. It's just a little blood in your shit. When you hear the term shit blood, you think of shit with a little bit of blood in it. Ari literally shits just blood. It's all blood. It's pretty bad. That's not good, dude. He has to cram a tampon up his ass for it to stop bleeding. It's not an actual tampon. And then if you're one of his friends, you're lucky enough to get him to try to put that in your mouth when you're not paying attention. Yeah, it's pretty cool. But it's because I respect you. So, right. You've never seen anybody for this? This guy is not fun. You've never seen anyone for this? What? You've never seen anyone? I have. It's not cancer. So he's like, fuck it. I don't know. Jesus Christ. The spicy food started off. I'm like, oh, yeah. Can you imagine being in the doctor? He goes, the spicy food started off. And he goes, oh, yeah. He goes, well, you might want to stay away from that. I was like, no, but I love spicy food. And he goes, well, then you're going to shit blood. And I was like, yeah, I do this going into this meeting, dude. Yeah. I just came back from a country where you eat a squirrel and a stick. Not much blood in a shit from a squirrel and a stick. Did you ever see the pictures of it, Tom? Yeah, of course. In person, bro. All right, guys. They're playing me out. Wait, hold on. I think that's the end of this fucking right now. I got something to say before I go. I have a travel podcast called You Be Trippin'. And I have an award every year for people that have won an award in their show. We have one award called the Biggest Piece of Shit Award that I renamed the Joe DeRosa Award. He's never won. But last year, there was a trivia award for best trip. every year we go to a different place and best trip last year was none other than Bert Kreischer congratulations on your trippy award Bert my trippy award wait this is real yeah wait what is this for best episode of my podcast best trip for his trip to Vietnam stick it in I wasn't even going to say that but they make a good point I bet this is awesome what's the trick there's no trick on this one oh for real don't touch the top and don't smell the box I swear to god I thought there was going to be a turd in it you were nominated we're sexual adventure thank you well thank you very much I love doing your podcast and I'd love to do another episode and congratulations on this is the very end this is the end guys they actually have a $5 discount code right here fuck I shouldn't have told you that but if you go look at one of those you can get $5 off right now go get a fucking as a Jew I don't like it but as a comedy fan I would say go get that amazing thank you guys make sure to watch Tom's new show Bad Ideas it's called Bad Thoughts May 24th please watch I should can I plug yeah of course please watch my new podcast on YMH Vile and Horrendous it's been a blast so far thank you for making me part of the thank you everyone for coming out thank you guys forget it I'll tell you what we'll do it again next year different city we'll travel we'll make it a fucking blast thank you guys for coming out Two Bears 5K Netflix The Joke Fest thank you guys Bert and Tom Tom and Bert one goes top of the other wears a shirt Tom tells stories and Bert's the machine there's not a chance in hell that they'll keep it clean here's what we call Two Bears 1K Two Bears 1K Two Bears 1K