Live From London (Night 1) | Reading Reddit Stories

(audience cheering) Oh, what is up London? (audience cheering) This is so cool. (audience cheering) Man, London, the city where the sun never sets, something I just learned today at 4 a.m. (audience laughing) Guys, this is so exciting. This is seriously so cool. (audience cheering) I don't know why it blows my mind that I'm like, "Oh, we have fans here?" (audience laughing) Our uploads make it across the Atlantic had no idea. I am so excited for this show tonight. This is incredible. I keep saying that over and over again. I really love this city. It's my third time here in London. I always have a blast. And I love the people here. I really do. (audience cheering) Guys, they're a great time. Well, look, I can sit here and talk forever, but I have some lovely guests today. (audience cheering) Our first guest, I've been here in London with them. We've had a great time here. Please welcome Courtney Miller. (audience cheering) (audience cheering) And also joining us, we had to bring our biggest Shakespeare fan. Please welcome Angela Giratona. (audience cheering) (upbeat music) Oh, there we go. (audience cheering) Wow! (laughing) Even though the mic was five feet away from you, we heard that. How you doing, London? (audience cheering) We've been having a great time already. I mean, we got in yesterday. We're feeling good, we're feeling refreshed. Obsessed with you all. Yeah, truly. (audience cheering) We've gone to some pubs already. We did it. Having a great time. Sider people in the house? (audience cheering) Let's go. Huge for you. Big day for me. All right, well look. This is great. I know. (audience cheering) When we started talking about this tour, when London got brought up, I don't know why that just caught, I was just scared. I was just like, oh my God, London. Oh my God. 'Cause you guys are like, smart, hot, cool. You guys, you guys, you have it all together. We're gonna have a crowd of people there. We're gonna have cool English accents. What are we gonna do? Oh my God, speaking of which, apologies in advance, because it comes out the English accent and just, I'm so sorry when it does. Yeah. The Scots, the Scots. Look. (audience cheering) To be honest, whenever we do any sort of accent, it's probably gonna be all over the place. You're gonna be like, what region are they? (laughs) No, as it goes, try to figure out what region we sound like. 'Cause we were talking about that before. It's like, when I do a British accent, what does it sound like? I don't know. We'll see, we'll find out. Yeah, I think someone said Australia, and I was like, that's correct. It probably is what it sounds like. All right, well, shall we hop into our first story? This is cool. (audience cheering) Let's do it. I can't say get your pancakes out. Are pancakes like a big deal here? (audience cheering) Okay. Okay. Get your crumpets out. (laughs) What if they were like, what the fuck? Get it out! Get out of my face! Get your beans and toasts out? Yeah. (audience cheering) I didn't do that today, but tomorrow. We're getting beans and toast, yeah. Okay. Our first story. (audience cheering) Comes from "Am I the asshole?" (audience cheering) Posted in May of this year. (audience cheering) (laughs) No, it's not going good for me. Two households in Fair Verona, where we lay our seat. "Am I the asshole for forwarding my wife "an Instagram reel of a recipe "after she asked what I want for dinner tomorrow?" Okay. Let's hear this out. Let's hear 'em out. My wife asked me what I'd like for dinner tomorrow, and I was thinking about it. I saw this Instagram reel of a yummy-looking recipe. I forwarded it to her. Said she could try cooking this. She went ballistic at me, saying that only she cooks, that I never cook, that she's not a servant whose job is only to cook, and I order her around what to cook. I literally didn't order her around. I didn't say cook this for me or else. She asked for suggestions, so I gave one. That's it. I told her we can go to a restaurant instead, or we can try cooking it together on the weekend. I literally never ordered her to cook for me or told her. She merely asked for a suggestion, so I gave one. Edit. Additional notes, 'cause everyone's asking the same questions, and I can't reply to 200 comments. I never cook. I do the dishes every day. I do the dishes every day, and other chores, but I finish work late, and it's easier for me to just either eat out on weekends, or some simple packaged food. I can do pan-fried steak. (audience laughing) It was a simple beef noodle recipe that looked yum. She's done more complex things and similar things before. She likes trying new recipes and has even told me she does. Even if I did something wrong, I didn't deserve to get shouted at. Okay, let's ask our audience really quick, what are the vibes you're getting off this? I know we're dealing with like kind of a little bit of a minimal information here. A lot of people are saying not the asshole, so some of you're the assholes. I'm saying mostly not the asshole. I think that's fair. I think that's fair, 'cause from OP sending this over, he's like, he's just like, oh, here's an Instagram reel. He's making it sound like, oh, I sent this over, 'cause you're asking. I think what maybe I'm picking up though, is that it's like, hey, what's something I can cook, and him just like on the couch, just like, boom, just DMing it to her, maybe feels a little disrespectful. Does it say he sent it right after she asked? We don't know yet. It's kind of giving. She was like, let me know what you want to do for dinner tonight, and then he just in the next hour was sending. That's kind of how I picture it. I feel like she's been holding on to these feelings for a while. Do you know what I mean? She's like, I always cook. Yeah. It doesn't feel like it's about the noodle recipe, it feels like it's about the fact that he never cooks. Yeah, she's bringing up a ton of other things, so I feel like we're getting the final straw here. I, something though that I don't like, is how he says, it looked yum. (audience laughs) That's so funny, you said that. I don't know why. I didn't like that either. I did not like that. I just like, okay, did we like that he said that looked yum? Well, let's get, yeah, okay. Okay, so we agree on that. I don't like when adults say yummy, or yummers. Yummy? I think yummy can be fine, but it's-- If you're talking to a child, yes. He used it multiple times. And then he said, I can do pan-fry steak. Good for you, bro. As if that's like something awesome. Okay, wait, but I just realized we were eating little carrots in the green room earlier, and I was going yum, yum, yum. And nobody-- And now we're on stage going, I fucking hate when people say yum. It's the worst thing anyone can ever do. Oh, next year go, yeah, I don't like yum either. Yeah, I fucking hate that. I didn't hear you say that. Maybe it's like when a guy is like, that looks yum. [LAUGHTER] I think it's because he's talking about such a serious thing. So I'm having a fight with my wife. But this thing looked yum. It's like, it feels like different vibes here. I also can see how she feels like she's being asked a lot of just like shooting a recipe over. It's like giving her homework. Oh, so I just need to handle this. Go get the ingredients and do all this myself. Like, it's coming across ungrateful. If you scroll up, and there's not like funny videos, you're sending throughout the day, or like this maybe think of you, and it's just the grocery list. It's tough. That's tough. It's tough. The verdict on Reddit was asshole. And the comments go, you're the asshole. That question has an inherent implication of her asking for something that she's done before. She wasn't asking for an assignment. She was asking for a suggestion. She wouldn't be so pissed off if she wasn't the only one responsible for feeding y'all. Has 5,000 upvotes? Someone responded to that saying, yes. When I ask someone what they want for dinner, I'm expecting them to say something I cook on a semi-regular basis, or at least have made before. Not, here's a recipe. Give it a try. OK. It's going to be on the menu. I think it's maybe it's one of those things where like every couple has their different type of like communication styles. And it sounds like she's not happy with this. Someone said, everyone sucks here. This sounds like resentment has been building up for a while. Perhaps you need to sit down and have a heart to heart before worrying about who is wrong in this specific instance. I think that's fair. Let's give that an applause. [APPLAUSE] OP left a comment. And they said, insane that you guys are still commenting on an argument that I had almost a week ago, Whereas my- my wife and I have completely forgotten about it and made up. All right. I'll be a plus, like, oh, boo, fuck you. It's like, dude, you left a reddit post. It's like, it's literally so childish. You guys are responding to something I posted on the internet. Wouldn't it be funny if we commented on our YouTube videos, like, why are you guys talking about this? Oh, yeah, sorry, we posted this like five days ago. What are you guys talking about? I'm sorry, why are you clipping me trying to be funny? Um, get over it. You know what? This reminds me of a story, do I have time to tell you a story? Yeah, you have time to tell a story. Oh, it's not that good of a story. It's not that good of a story. And I'm going to regret-- and I'm going to regret saying it. But it just made me think of something that I completely forgot. In my household, my mom has made these cookies that my dad loves, right? And he's obsessed with these cookies. And then every time she makes them for like Christmas and stuff, he goes, oh, he always gives a note. And he's always like, I mean, that's a great guy, OK? But it's just something that was so normalized, right? And he was like, not enough chips this time. A little bit too burnt, a little, right? And then over the pandemic, I remember my mom is at a town for a long time. And I was like, I want to nail her recipe. And I did it like three times, trying to get it right. Each time he'd go, it's a little bit more like this. It's a little bit more like this. By the third time, I remember going, hold the fuck on. Have you ever made a cookie in your life, OK? And he was like, it's actually, she puts them in like this and it does this. And I was like, you don't know a single fucking thing. Then make your own fucking cookies. Yeah, but I was like, she was so normalized that he was just noting the food. And I was like, totally, totally. She was like, this-- I got it, I got it. I couldn't fathom critiquing someone's cooking. If they're making stuff for me, I'm not going to sing. You can't fathom it. I can't fathom it. I wouldn't do that. Unless they were like, hey, do you have feedback? Yeah. And I'd be like, OK, maybe something. I've had friends or people I'm dating send me a recipe. I'd be like, we should do this Friday. Oh, that's fun. Well, as a group effort. Yeah, you have to be like all by the ingredients or something. At least. Team effort. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, like, remember that one time I said, you like 10 reels in a row of a specific salmon recipe. Yeah. No, I do remember that. Oh, that's funny. That you actually did this exact thing. That's actually so crazy. No, no, that was-- Well, like, didn't you tell me to send them? Yeah. Yum, yum, yum. I did. Yum, yummy, yum, yum. I did attempt to make it. But that was the salmon recipe. And I did OK. Oh, yeah. I need to keep trying it. Well, we're cooking. We're trying. Yeah, we're cooking. This episode of Reddit Stories is sponsored by Quince. Lunch with coworkers, date nights with my wife, and every day hangs with my friends. These are all separate occasions that I've worn the same sweater to. I'm a proud outfit repeater. Quince makes clothing. I'm excited to wear again and again. Quince offers high quality materials like 100% Mongolian cashmere, organic cotton, and merino wool. I want to be comfortable, but I also want to look good in what I'm wearing. Quince offers pants, fitted teeth, breathable active wear, and so much more. Having go to staples in my closet, I can layer in mix and match, has made it easier to get ready in the morning. I've been wearing a few Henley t-shirts that I bought, and I kind of want to wear them every day. They're so great. I feel good in them, and they're super breathable, super comfy, and it has been so hot this year that they have been a game changer for me. Find your next fall favorites at Quince. Download the Quince app for app exclusive offers, or go to quince.com/pittreddit. Get free shipping on your order and 365 day returns. Now available in Canada and the UK too. That's q-u-i-n-c-e.com/pittreddit. Now back to the show. Let's move on to our next story. And this also has to do with food. But a little bit crazier, maybe. OK. Let's try to get a little bit crazier in here. Food but crazy. Crazy food. Our next story comes from Am I the asshole? And it was posted in 2020. It was tough out here, too, huh? No way. That happened here, also. You guys have a shit year, too. That's crazy. That sucks. Am I the asshole for eating sexy potatoes? Oh! Sexy potatoes! Sexy potatoes! It honestly feels ridiculous that I have to post this, but my coworker has been getting on to me about this for weeks now, so I have to ask. My whole life, I've been eating potatoes by microwaving them, then biting into them, eating them hot dog style. This is the easiest, most convenient and intuitive way for me to eat potatoes. Sweet potatoes or regular. I think this is how people in Japan eat them, or at least-- OK. --this is how I was taught by my Japanese parents to eat them. OK. Everyone is laughing at that. Now you guys feel bad. Oh, he got you. I was going to ask Ditto Livia, right, this one? Because she just talked about this-- She just talked about me like, yeah. She cooks a potato and just-- I'm going to say raw dogs it with a paper towel and just bites into that thing. You know what that is, too? Damien brings them from home. Big, sweet potato. Yeah. He cuts them open. He's already still eating it like it's a piece of sexy way. Other sexy way. OK, so whenever I go to the grocery store, I always pick out the most easily biteable potatoes, which are generally longer and thinner than most potatoes. You get the picture. So we're getting the idea. So I work in an office of about 30 people. We all typically bring our own lunch, and I usually just eat at my desk while doing work. No one has ever commented about how I eat potatoes, but I do eat them quite frequently. Recently, a new person was hired, and she clearly has a problem with the way I eat potatoes. A couple times, she pulled me aside and asked me to just eat potatoes a more normal way. Shut up. More than a minute. A couple times, it's just? A couple times. She's like, hey, can I level with you for a second? Can you stop? Hey, me again. That thing I said last week, I really meant it. Yeah, those potatoes. Put it on a plate. I asked her what she meant, and she said I was eating potatoes too suggestively. I was a little shocked because I literally just have my eyes glued to my screen whenever I'm eating and barely pay attention to how I eat. I told her no one else seemed to have a problem with the way I eat potatoes, but she insisted others were just too polite to say anything. I asked a few other co-workers who all were just as confused as me about what she was saying. I figured no one else really had a problem with it, but this happened multiple times. She kept coming to me and asking me to tone down the way I eat. - Tone it down? - Tone it down. Even accusing me of going out of my way to choose sexy potatoes. I've considered bringing them other ways, but this is just the easiest way for me to eat them. And they're honestly delicious like this to me. I asked her to maybe just not watch me eat, but apparently that's just not feasible. Unfortunately, she reported me and now I have a meeting with HR next week. This seems really dumb to me, but I'm the asshole for eating sexy potatoes. All right, immediately I'm not seeing a single you're the asshole here. - I see one. - One person was like, "No, just kidding." - Wait, is OP, is it all fems involved? What was the gender of OP? I'm so sorry, it was a matter. - I actually think, I don't know if they actually say, they don't give their own, so we don't know. - We didn't do that to somebody. - No matter what the gender of this is. - This is, could you imagine, HR? I have a question on my coworker, so she can't eat like that anymore. - Yeah, oh, we do. Earlier on it, yes, she is a woman, OP is a woman, and her OP is also her OP. - Her OP is obsessed with her. - Her arch nemesis, who cannot stand sexy potatoes. What the hell is going on with this coworker? - I can't understand. - Like just look away. - Just look away, and also just feel like your potato eating is making me too horny. Therefore, you must stop me. You must eat it normal. I'm thinking of you in the Flip 7, just be normal, just be normal. (audience laughs) (audience cheers) - For the life of me cannot recreate that. I don't know what happens. I was genuinely guilty in that moment. (laughs) - Okay, I think this coworker has a massive crush on this girl, right? - I mean, it's a good theory. - Why is anyone the way anybody's eating anything a problem to anybody in the room? And if it's too sexy, I guess it's turning you on, and you need to figure that out. - Yeah, God forbid someone eats a banana. - Like, or a hot dog. - Or a corn dog. - Yeah. - Or a talkie toe. - Or a corn on the cob, and you just slam it, you know? (audience laughs) - We do it like Scooby Doo style, where you put it in your mouth and pull it out and all the corn's gone. - Or biscuits and gravy. (audience laughs) -What? -I was trying to think of a non-fallot one and I was going for boobs. -Oh, got it. -And biscuits. [ Cheers and applause ] -And, yeah, and biscuits. And they're like, "What?" -What really bothers me is bringing this to HR. -That's why, yo. -That's intense. There's a lot of confidence there to believe you're gonna bring it to HR, and HR is gonna be like, "I am so sorry." -Yeah. -I cannot believe she's eating sexy potatoes in our workspace. -This is like at church camp when they would tell us tankinis were too sexy and they would lead the boys to sin. We're like, "So are tankinis or the problem? Not their brains." -Yeah. -Right. Right. It's not her potatoes problem. -No, I definitely think she could flip the script. If she -- If it's so crazy to have to wait a week to deal with this situation, she says she has an HR meeting next week. You flip the script. Someone keeps coming up to her and telling her she eats potatoes sexy. -Yeah. -That's weird. -Or, like, to report to HR, "Hey, I'm being stared at all of lunch every day." -Yeah. -That's bigger than the wait. -With binoculars from across the room. Quick potato conversation. -Okay, let's go. -Let's go. -I was informed of something about the UK, and it's that they have jacket potatoes. [ Cheers and applause ] -What is it? -What is it? -Jacket potatoes are beans/tuna, right? Yeah. -What do you mean beans/tuna? -It's, like, of course, it's beans. Like, what's the UK version? It's, like, they're gonna put beans there. Like, that's -- Hey, look, it works. It's, like, toast beans. -Okay, so it's a -- -Potatoes, beans. -It's beans on potato. -Beans on potato. -Or tuna on potato. -Yum. -Oh, that's a jacket. That's the jacket. -Yeah. -That's -- It's a jacket. -That's the jacket. Like, this is my bean. Or tuna -- tuna beans -- is it beans and tuna? No. No. -Okay. -Those are two different versions of jacket potatoes. [ Cheers and applause ] -Yeah. -I think I'd be in London, and people go, "Beat!" -Beat! -There's so many of you. I love this place. -She's -- -She's -- -We thought you were saying beans than it was cheese. That is -- [ Laughter ] 'Cause we have -- we do -- [ Laughter ] -That was crazy. -Me, watching Even Stevens, beans. 'Cause, you know, U.S. has baked potatoes, which are loaded with -- we have sour cream, cheese, bacon. They're basically the same thing. -Oh, okay. -I mean, beans. We don't put baked beans in -- that you'd be hard to find out, but it sounds great. -There's a new TikTok fan, too, where you take a sweet potato, and you put a stick of cheese in it. And then, yeah, it's -- I -- I -- I said on TikTok, I wouldn't do that, guys. It's too sexy of a food, and I'm a virgin. -I think that sounds great. No, cheese and potatoes go perfectly together. -Yeah. -Like, almost any variation. That's fine. I'm cool with that. -I'm taking a -- I'm taking a baked potato. Put some chili in there. -Yeah. -Yeah. -So, you're putting beans in there? -With beans and meat. -Yeah, but all sorts of stuff. -All sorts of stuff. -And then, there's also roast potatoes. [ Cheers and applause ] -Uh, in duck fat. -Oh, no. -Someone showed me a picture of that, and I was like, "That looks good. That looks good, as hell." And, yeah, and chips here. We had some chips yesterday, and they're so fucking good, man. I mean, they're -- you know, yeah. -Oh, my God. Could you imagine if -- When we did "Spud-Hud," all the taters were too sexy. [ Laughter ] -It's a not-sexy food. Like, it's -- it's wide, and like, it -- -Well, she's -- She -- -You don't -- I mean, it's like -- It's not, like, a phallic, at any way. -Yeah. She's going to the grocery store, and she is -- she's sifting through those piles of potatoes to find the most dick-shaped potatoes. -Okay. That's what I'm saying. I'm like, "It just doesn't seem like that to me." -Okay. Well, the verdict on reddit was not the asshole. Comments, not the asshole -- geez, wait until she hears about bananas. That's what I said. -So -- So, she -- So he said that. -So, actually -- Hold on, let me put that -- -So he said that. -Fuck you, I said that. Not the asshole. She is the one being sexually inappropriate by sexualizing the way you eat and the shape of the food you eat. -Yes. -Also, her harassment and insistence on watching you eat when she personally finds it sexual is also pervy. Bring that up to HR. Let them know that her insistence on sexualizing you doing mundane activities makes you incredibly uncomfortable and the way you eat is cultural and she is being a little xenophobic, too. Your coworker, damn. -You guys went big words. -Hit 'em with the three punches. It's not the United States. They -- they read here. -Yeah, they went crazy. If we did that in LA, they'd go, "Huh? Let's get matcha." [ Laughter ] -Your coworker imagining you giving a blowjob every time you eat is the real issue here. Sorry, I didn't finish that comment. -Well, yes. -Someone said not the asshole curious, though. Do you put anything on them, butter, sour cream, salt and pepper, or is it just a microwave potato eaten plain? -You go, "Cause then you're the asshole." -Because then you're fucking weird. Last comment, not the asshole, and I can't wait to hear about this meeting with HR. Please update. -Mm. -But that would be crazy, because then they would have to log back on. -They'd have to get back on, and I don't know if they -- Oh. [ Cheers and applause ] -That's right. Up, diet! -Yeah! [ Cheers and applause ] [ Cheers and applause ] -Up, day! Up, day! Up, day! [ Cheers and applause ] -Get out of here, Ian! -Could you believe he flew all the way to the UK to do that? -Just for that, his flight's in, like, half an hour. [ Laughter ] -Wow. Okay, I'm so excited. -Here we go. -Wow, I'm amazed that we just moved around a lot for being jet lagged. -I know. -I was this close to crowdsurfing. [ Laughter ] [ Cheers and applause ] -You somehow make it up to there, to the top. -It's like, "How'd she get up there?" They launch you up. -How are you guys up there? [ Cheers and applause ] -Oh, my God! -Wow. -That's crazy. -Okay, update. So, I had a couple meetings with HR. The first one was on my own yesterday morning, alone with the HR woman. According to her, a coworker had reported me for sexual harassment and creating a hostile work environment. -With potatoes? -With potatoes! Not going to lie, after hearing those accusations, I was honestly pretty scared. Sexual harassment is a really serious charge. -Yeah. -I was allegedly making nude gestures while eating, despite repeatedly being asked to stop. I told her exactly what had happened. I was eating potatoes the same way I always had in the four years I've worked in this office. No one else ever had a problem with this until now. The new coworker, let's call her Karen, approached me. -You guys have those here too? -Are there British Karen's? -Ooh, sounds tough. -Sounds tough. -Sounds tough. The new coworker approached me, telling me I was eating potatoes inappropriately and told me to eat them another way. I had explained to her that this was how I grew up eating them and would not stop. If it bothered her, she could and should look away. I continued eating potatoes this way. Then over the next several weeks, she kept complaining about my potatoes every time I ate them this way. As I explained my side, I could tell HR was getting really annoyed. I don't think she believed that this was all there was to it. She pressed for more information. Are you sure you didn't do anything to make her believe you were being inappropriate? -What were you wearing when you were eating the potatoes? -Are you sure you weren't harassing her even unintentionally? I told her I never even talked to her unless it was about work or if she approached me first. HR thanked me for coming in and told me she'd get back to me. -We shared a potato and enjoyed our. I gave her a potato. I think she met with Karen after that. Then later in the day, we had a meeting with the three of us. Karen says that I lied about not doing anything to make her uncomfortable and that after the first time she came to me, asking me to eat my potatoes differently, I dismissed it as a joke, which to be fair, I did because I'm deadass. Which I acknowledged because who wouldn't take it as a joke? Then she claimed that after each time she asked me to tone it down, I escalated by choosing increasingly sexy potatoes to eat in front of her. By which point? At which point, I'm pretty sure HR was trying hard not to roll her eyes. I responded by telling Karen I literally gave zero thought about her when I bought my potatoes and selected them based on ease of cooking/eating. She accused me of making eye contact with her while I was eating. Oh, honey, you have to take a shower and go home. In that order. Which I think I did every time she watched me eat, because it's really uncomfortable having someone watch me eat. Which I explained and told her I had repeatedly asked her to stop watching me eat. Then she pointed out that no one else eats potatoes this way. And the only reason I would do so is to try to be provocative. Which I swear to God, HR almost laughed at her. I just showed her a video of Japanese people eating potatoes with their hands and biting into them. Did you watch a video in this meeting? I was like, let's see if I've been able to have a human eating a potato in this HR meeting. Yeah. Oh, no. HR woman knows me and knows I'm not the type to harass someone or deliberately make a hostile work environment. And at the end, she just said something like, I'm sorry about the misunderstanding, perhaps it really would be best to look another way while your coworker is eating. Look another way. Look another way. Face the corner. Basically, trying to politely tell Karen to get her head out of her ass. Then Karen tried to turn it around by claiming that I was making a hostile work environment by telling our other coworkers bad things about her. But literally all I had done was ask others if they were uncomfortable with the way I eat and explaining why I had asked them. She tried yet another angle, claiming that the way I ate them with my hands was a COVID risk, and that I was putting the safety of the office in jeopardy by eating this way. HR then said that if she was so concerned, she was welcome to work from home as his currently company policy. I work in hardware, so it's harder for me to work from home, but Karen works in support, so it would be really easy for her to work from home. You can just do that at home. You can do that at home. Karen, go home Karen. Go home. Eventually Karen had to concede. She had nothing left, so we were all dismissed. When Karen has nothing left. Later I talked to my co-worker who had stopped bringing curry because of Karen. Let's call him Surya about the problems I had with her. He had been unable to eat his regular Indian lunches in the office because of her. We were both extremely annoyed, a pattern is forming. We were both extremely annoyed, and honestly I just felt extremely uncomfortable being in an office where she was constantly judging Asian people's food, so I decided to file a report with HR, as suggested by many of you. I pointed out how she was harassing Asian people for their food choices, and many of her comments towards me were bordering on sexual harassment. Oh, this is fucked up. Yeah. Surya agreed to bring curry for lunch today, and in solidarity, I brought some too along with my potatoes. And I put high heels on my potato. Karen didn't comment at all, but she did give us dirty looks and made disgusted faces a few times. I actually got called into a meeting this afternoon with my boss, who is also one of the founders of the company. He confessed that he didn't like Karen either, and that she had multiple complaints about her within the first month of her being hired. She's been here just under two, and that he had hired her as a favor to his wife, because she is his wife's cousin, and had lost her job due to COVID. I wonder why they chose to let her go. You know what? I say this all the time. Never trust your wife's cousin. Never. Never do it. And I'm telling you that all the time. No, we're literally constantly. And I'm saying that all the time. Next story is all about talking about boundaries and not trusting your wife's cousin again. He apologized to me on her behalf and assured me that he would talk to her. I decided to keep my harassment claim with HR and have another meeting tomorrow. We'll see how this goes. Thank you all for your tips and suggestions. I will keep eating sexy potatoes for the foreseeable future. As you should. As you should. I do want to be clear, if I am at the grocery store and I see a potato that is fully shaped like a dick and balls, I am buying it. And I will post it. I'll post it. And he'll post it, so then if you see a potato that looks like dick and balls, send it to Shane. Please. Please do. And we'll decide, you know, is this dick and balls going to be a jacket potato, a baked potato? What are we going to do with this? He looks so serious. He's so serious. Guys, this is serious. I don't joke about sexy potatoes. I've never really looked at this picture that big. To be clear, when we took that photo, I didn't know it would be like, used this big. You also look married AF in it. OK, we have another story before our intermission or a little break. Which is new. I've never done that before. First intermission for us. Pretty cool. Love it. Is that what they're called here? Interim? They're going BEEES. Interval. BEEES. It's BEEES. Sheeys. Sheeys. Sheeys. Sheeys. Sheeys. Sheeys. [LAUGHTER] Our director, Emily, is writing in. She's watching the ASL interpreter. Do the cheese yell is wild. [LAUGHTER] Cheese. [LAUGHTER] Cheese. [LAUGHTER] Give it up for the ASL interpreter. [APPLAUSE] Ah, yes. OK. Yes, it's not ASL. It's a different-- They ASL. BEEES. BEEES. BEEES. BEEES. We have to move on. British-- yeah, B.S.L. British sign language. OK, B.S.L. BEEES. All right. Moving on to our next story. You guys are a lovely crowd. Love it. All the talk of sexy potatoes. Sorry. No. Am I the asshole for being mad at my boyfriend and ruining our romantic getaway? [LAUGHTER] He asked me to go somewhere with him over new years. He wanted it to be a surprise and would only say it's a romantic getaway. We're taking a train and we will be back in five days. He paid for everything. I asked him what he had planned because that would tell me what to pack. He refused to tell me because it was a surprise. Said to leave it to him and he'd make sure I had whatever I needed. I had to go to work before we left and I had to go straight from work to the station in order to catch the train so I left the packing entirely in his hands. He then raided my underwear drawer. [LAUGHTER] I didn't find out until we arrived. We're in a nice hotel in London. [APPLAUSE] I have my work clothes, a pencil skirt, blouse, and four-inch heels, plus a hoodie, stolen from him, and the bag contains five separate sets of lace underwear and matching bras. That's it for five days. [LAUGHTER] He has a duffel bag containing a hoodie, joggers, three jumpers, three t-shirts, and clean underwear and socks. Plus the jeans, t-shirt, jumper, hoodie, 55 hamburgers, 55 tacos, 55 fries. [LAUGHTER] He arrived in. This pissed me off massively. Not a phone charger? No. Underwear, that's it. He's 22, not 12, and if I were planning something and only packed him boxers, I'd never hear the end of it. It's currently four degrees Celsius, and the forecast says it's meant to rain tomorrow. He's realized how much he's annoyed me and how stupid his joke was, and he said he'll buy me more clothes tomorrow. What he does not seem to understand is in order to get those clothes, I will have to walk to the shops in my work clothes right from a work day and a long train journey followed by leaving them in a pile on a chair overnight. He arranged for us to arrive on New Year's Eve so we could see the fireworks at the London Eye, but I didn't want to go because I was wearing heels and freezing because the warmest thing I have is his hoodie, and the only thing over my legs is a thin pencil skirt, no tides or stockings. I would have loved to go if I wasn't dressed like this, but the shops were shut and his joggers didn't fit me, so we ended up getting takeaway in the hotel room instead. I'm just so fucking annoyed at him for doing this and at me for not checking before getting on the train, and I'm not exactly going to great lengths to hide my irritation. He is now getting annoyed at me for ruining the holiday. Okay. Before it's even begun. Bad attitude, you guys. And making him pay out for clothing after he paid for this entire holiday. So now we're mad at each other. I texted a friend event and he was on Boyfriend's side. He said that I -- hold on. He said that I knew Boyfriend was an idiot before we got together. Hey, your Boyfriend's a dumbass. I should have checked the bag, but I didn't, so that's the past, and I can't change it. And we're here now, so I should be making the best of it instead of getting bratty. - Getting bratty? - What do we think? I mean, this is brutal. - Wait, no, this is brutal. - He's a bitch. - I'm seeing a little bit of a mix. Or is it kind of, I feel like, is it the you're the assholes? Because it's just like, hey, it's like the friend, it's like, well, you're dating a dumb ass. So that's on you. - But she was proactive. She was like, what do I need? Seriously, what do I need? - And he said, I'm not gonna tell you, it's a surprise, I'll pack for you. And she trusted him. - Yeah. - And then he did that, and that sucks. I'm very like, it matters a lot when I pack on a trip. 'Cause like, if I feel ill-prepared, it's awful. - Packing is also like a safety net. Like, you feel safe. Like, some people like to pack a lot because it makes them feel safe. Or, it's. - Every time I'm in London, I feel underdressed. - Oh yeah. - I feel so underdressed, especially like when you first land, and you're like in a hoodie, and stuff, and you're walking around, and I just feel like people dress really smart. - Yeah. - Whenever, and I'm just like, oh hey. - I know. - Yeah, I'm American, I don't know what I'm doing. Sorry. I say that to everybody I passed by, and they love it. They're cool with it. - I packed a bunch of stupid, ugly t-shirts, and I went, I can't wear this in front of them. - I can't wear this in front of them. - They're gonna clock me as an American from so far away. Oh my God. The verdict on Reddit was not the asshole. - Good. I mean, yeah. - Well, yeah. - Comments, not the asshole. How did he expect you to go out and do things? I can see if it was a joke, and then he pulled out your real bag. I wouldn't have checked beforehand either. He said he would take care of it. It would never occur to me that someone would do something so stupid. Someone said, I guess he thinks he's getting five days of sexy time. - Oh, he responded. - I mean, while her ass is out at the London eye. O.P. responded, saying, he'll be lucky to get five minutes of it with the mood I'm in. (audience laughing) - Lastly, someone said, I am so grateful for O.P.'s boyfriend and guys like him for setting the bar so low for the rest of us. We have a mini update. - Ooh. - Mini update? - No. There you go. You tell him. You tell him. - He's out. - He's gone out, bought me a complete and sensible outfit, apologized again for the joke and being a dick about it last night. He swore and he'll make it up to me, and I'm about to drag him around Oxford Street for a few hours while he buys me more clothes. (audience cheering) - And that's a good street. We like that street for shopping. - That's a good street for shopping. - Great underwear there. - I was shopping around Notting Hill this morning. That was cool. That was fun. - I slept in. - There was that. (audience cheering) A universal experience. Okay, guys, we're gonna take a quick break. Give it up for Angela and Courtney. (audience cheering) - This episode of Reddit Stories is sponsored by Audible. It's no secret that I love a good book. And I really love that there are so many out there to enjoy. From comedy to history to sci-fi, the only issue I have, I didn't have enough hours in the day to consume everything. Until I started using Audible. Audible lets me listen to my favorite audiobooks while doing my least favorite task, chores. I'm talking laundry, washing dishes, or vacuuming, and instead of dragging my feet through every step, Audible transports my mind to unique new worlds. If only I had Audible when I was a kid, I would have done all my chores. My mom would have been so happy. Anyways, lately, I've enjoyed listening to audiobooks after work. It's a nice way to decompress after the day and getting settled for the night. I've been listening to the Butcher's Masquerade, which is book five of the Dungeon Crawler Carl series. I love when audiobooks fully immerse you, whether that's with music, sound effects, or when the author is the narrator. Audible, stories that speak to you. New members can start listening with a 30-day free trial at audible.com/SRRS. And now, back to the show. - All right, well, it's time for more stories. (audience cheering) And it's also time for our next guests. (audience cheering) It's about to get wild out here. Our first guest, he was the original chosen, really. (audience cheering) It's Spencer Agnew. (audience cheering) And our next guest, he is basically all of our new best friends. (audience cheering) Please welcome Jack Scepticae. Show 'em, get out here. (audience cheering) Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Look. I didn't realize you've got Kara Hurts on. We do have Kara Hurts on. No, you do, that's kind of like stolen valor. Oh, fuck you. (audience laughing) Just like an American thing. Yeah, man, hey, you can't do that. You can't do that. I'm just trying to like speak your language. Okay, okay. You're figuring it out. What's up, bitch? What you got for us? Yeah. (audience cheering) This is real dangerous having you both up here. The same time. I'm gonna show whole for sure. This is scary. I'm not gonna be able to help myself. Someone's gonna yell something and I'm just gonna do it. (laughs) Kill Shane. It's like, wait, stop. Take it off. (laughs) All right. Oh, wait, you told me to phrase that I should say. Don't put it on me. (audience laughing) And I like to go a phrase that would get a response. I am curious if it'll work. Okay, I'm excited, try it. Sure. What do you think of Tottenham? (audience cheering) What do we think is shit? (audience cheering) That's so cool. And he's not even, he's not even British. I don't even go here. He did, he was like, yeah. (laughs) I do wish 'cause I've been to so many American football games. I wish we had more like chance and stuff. Yeah. We don't sing at all. Is zombie nation British? Is that like exclusively British? What is that? Zombie nation? (laughs) Everybody in the room is like, what the fuck are you talking about? I'm sorry. Hey, go home and Google zombie nation. Okay, man, we will. Hey, there we go. Thank you. Okay. You have won. (audience laughing) All right. Guys, the Beatles played here. Like, is that crazy? Like, a shit load. Isn't that nuts? And now we're up here fucking like. Dropping turds on stage. Like, we're like, we're kinda like the Beatles if they didn't jerk each other off so much. (audience laughing) Dude, I can't wait for those movies. And so, I got a couple up there. I got them good, yeah. Have you seen that Beatles lore? No. Oh my god. Google Beatles, you're kidding me. Oh wait, I know what you're talking about. I don't know. Google, go home, Google Beatles jerking each other off. Zombies nation. Oh my god. We don't need to be in the iPad. We just can just keep talking. Yeah, do a story dancing. I have wasted five minutes so far. I know. Everyone's like, fuck, dude. This is our tight fight. Oh, fuck, mate. Okay. Guys, our next story. We're doing something new. Old, new. This was my pitch. I wanted to do this. 'Cause I was like, we're doing these live shows. We do all about this. Bring out the clowns. So we never revisit stories on Reddit stories. But-- And we're not going to today. No, I wanted to bring back a legend that you guys have not heard. Oh shit. We're bringing back an old school one that is one of the craziest stories that I wanted to talk about. You just had to get our reactions to it? Yeah. Okay. Here we go. Am I the asshole for not wanting to get rid of the anime body pillow? That saved my marriage. [CHEERING] This one was picked for you, Spencer. Okay, okay. Anime body pillow? Yeah, okay, okay. This is one of my favorite stories. My husband and I are best friends during the day. Love of my life. It's that night that it's an issue. It's fucking Batman. Where will-- I'm a blanket stealer. I once yanked them so hard my poor hubby flipped a full 180. Hubby, for his part, is a thrasher. Bruce Lee would be jealous of the moves he pulls off while unconscious. It's a constant war between us when we fall asleep. And both of us often wake up sore and exhausted. It was starting to affect our relationship. Neither of us wanted to move to a separate bed because we like spending our nights together. But it seemed like an inevitability. We were both crabby every morning. And we started fighting as soon as we got up. It sucked. But neither of us wanted to concede defeat and move to the other bed. Quick background. I was a huge nerd as a teenager, full on otaku. Go ahead, cringe. I do too. Shout out. One night, as a joke, I brought down an old anime body pillow from the attic. I know the cringe. And plopped it down between my husband and I, declaring it our demilitarized zone. Hubby and Z-Wife. Hubby also thought it was hilarious. And we named her DMZ-chan, a solid choice. I saw we have we have British Chosens in the audience Wait, Stan British Chosens stands up. Everybody else sit the fuck down Yeah, there we go. There we go. There we go. There we go There will be no where we're in London on this night. I carry the flame There are dozen we are chosen. Good. Thank you British Chosens I don't think I could do I don't think I could do a chosen it's late with a British accent. It's something to work on Hello, hello governor Okay, so DMZ Chan has entered the picture. It was a game-changer DMZ Chan protected me from hubby's Ram-induced rampages and she's just heavy enough that I can't yank the blink. It's at full speed DMZ Chan is now a beloved part of our nightly routine We both thought it was the funniest thing, but she legitimately helped us solve the only real issue in our marriage One day mother-in-law stopped by to pick something up fuck you M-I-L and she hates attack on Titan She got up to use the restroom passing by our open bedroom door You can guess what she saw DMZ Chan Propped up in the middle of our bed her giant soulful anime eyes looked right back at mother-in-law When she got back she quickly grabbed her stuff and left hubby and I both confused She later mentioned DMZ Chan to hubby while they were on the phone. She mentioned her by name. Yeah And it absolutely mortified him as far as I know mother-in-law now things were deviants in a three-way relationship with a body pillow Hubby was too embarrassed to explain and now he wants to put DMZ Chan back in the attic We're putting her down but DMZ Chan in the corner rocks You can't put her back. I was upset. I told him I didn't want to go back to boxing with each other at night And that DMZ Chan helped us so much in that he agreed but suggested we get a normal plain body pillowcase to replace her I felt I felt like there was no need to spend money on something we already have and if it was really that big of an issue We can put her in the closet while we have company over Imagine like being in their bedroom and you turn and you see like in the slats of the closet just Anime eyes looking at you. It's five nights at Freddy's four. Oh A Chica body pillow. Yeah anyways Hubby is firm in that she has to go permanently. I'm sure he's firm Hubby is absolutely bricked up about the fact that she has to go I know he's embarrassed, but I feel like we shouldn't have to compromise our inside jokes to appease other people. Am I the asshole? Lot of green wow turns out people in the UK love anime body pillow. I'm just this. That's a fact now. That's canon That's the entire time. I've been looking at the interpreter and I'm like I'm so sorry Like what does body pillow body pillow? Ha It is always shadowed interpreter. Yeah I'm so sorry The verdict on reddit is not the asshole Not surprised. I think it's a sensible ask to be like we got to get rid of the body Maybe not get rid of it, but the so the husband was like what if we what if we put it away honey and she was like Yeah, like I don't think it's the craziest I'm gonna like put a cover over it. Yeah, like maybe it's also probably like ratty as hell probably gross. Like it's probably been look She finds out she's like she's like you're doing what to it. I don't we both were Like okay, but if you if you commit if you get to the point where you buy a body pillow like it is yours And you're like, I'm like if I'm like what I'm not buying that as a bit like I'm doing stuff to it like I'm like Look I got to be honest like like what you're gonna own one and like not like do people just lay on it like what do you? If they're not gonna have sex with each other to resolve this problem. You gotta have sex with something. Yeah, the buffer zone I don't know like I don't think it's that weird like if you're owning a body pillow. You're like halfway there Like it's I'd just say even like it not even slash Jay like Comments can't you just take the cover off? Oh I'm naked. It's yeah, you take the cover off and look at them fully naked. Oh, so I'm concerned with they were like it's heavy Yeah, what's it heavy with it's this is a sequel to I'm gonna say it do you guys remember the red it or it honestly might have been Fortune the come box Yes, I am aware what wait Lucidate me. What did you say? Lucidate me let me know what is it? There was a guy versions of this story. Yeah, so it's basically a guy had a shoe box And when he finished he would just finish in the shoe box and it was just there almost there for years There's another version of this with a coconut Yeah, I'm not that there are multiple stories of this is awful. There's another one earlier with a potato The Irish version Hey, it's not sour cream. I'm filling it. Oh, okay I have no shame you can't shame me. I see what makes you cheer Comments can't you just take the cover off someone said everyone sucks here mother-in-law sucks for making such a big deal about it Husband for not explaining a simple and straightforward situation to his mom and instead having this knee jerk reaction You for not taking the reasonable compromise of a plain pillowcase for it Lastly, someone said not the asshole and I'll give you $20 if you take DMZ chance to Thanksgiving dinner at the in-laws Fuck yeah Did you save a place for DMZ Chan? Yeah, she'll have the jacket potatoes Wait, what's this You know we're doing it again if I don't get a fucking face reveal on this You know what time it is Oh Sugar This is cider that would be fucking gross also Spencer, please stop talking about jacking off Do it we won't stop talking about jacking off until you chub that He's actually doing it. Oh My god, he's actually doing it Oh Yeah, okay, real talk real talk can I be real y'all's juice fucking sucks We had the riled up orange juice orange juice in the United Kingdom is terrible. Oh I am from Florida. I'm sorry, bro To be yeah Florida is like the home of oranges. Yeah, give us give us this one thing. I need a one thing You have you have oranges and Disney World say that and crime and me And me you waited till the crowd was so excited and so happy and you're like, by the way, I fucking hate you all Just the juice a lot of juice fans in the crowd See what I mean by what makes you cheer you fucking monk are you just listing British things the way I've been getting him I just keep saying no matter what I just keep saying football's coming home That's way of course of course. We're here when football's being played in the US Yeah, so I'm still off on the fucking time zone. I'm not fucking feel y'all. We're gonna go home We're gonna enjoy a nice world cup. Yeah at middle of the day At a reasonable hour at a reasonable hour when I'm not with a real orange juice. Yeah, okay Time for this update this first this first sentence is incredible. They wrote sweet bees this blew up The most fucking small bean Do a me a heckin surprise What a heckin update was not expecting all the attention just wanted to say thank you to everyone for chiming in I admit I was being stubborn I drove over to target on my lunch break and bought a new cover for 10 bucks I put it on DMZ Chan as soon as I got home to those asking I did wash her after fishing her out of the attic and I'm now waiting on Hubby to get home so I can apologize for making him uncomfortable DMZ Chan can and shall live live on in our hearts, and under the blanket when companies over. - Okay, we found out what the body pillow is. O.P. said, "And Saber from Fates Day Night, "botter at a con and never looked back." - Yeah, we got like two cheers. What the fuck is that? - It's like this, but that's-- - Just some boring armor? - She looks like some like-- - Yeah, it's a boring armor. - Some like, uh, fire emblem. - A house of fat and more ganna, bullshit. - Like, hey, whoa, fire emblem is so-- - Give me like some faith, Alentine, bro. - Okay, yeah, that's more cheers. - Yeah, more Resident Evil. - Let's get this different-- (audience cheering) - I know Faith Alentine's not, but-- - Am I hearing some fucking gamers in the crowd? Do you have gamers here? (audience cheering) - What's the most British video game? - It's supposed to get away. (audience cheering) - Oof, I was gonna say Fable. - Fable, yeah. 'Cause that's all real here. - Yeah, Fable really happens. - Yeah. - They just made a game about it. - History. - Chicken chicer. (laughing) - Like, three of them in the audience were-- (laughing) - I don't know why that reminds me of when, one time I was watching Game of Thrones with my mom. And she truly, she truly was watching. She's like, I can't believe things were like that back then. (laughing) She's like, yeah, that's what it was like. Our next story is actually more of a question. So, and it comes from Ask UK. (audience cheering) But in better, but instead, we're gonna answer it. - Yeah, I'll answer on your behalf. So, this will be good. - Hopping into severed is you have no place in, just to answer shit. - That is, that is reddit to it too, by the way. - There was like, there was a severed it called like Ask Women. I mean, I mean, it's always meant. - And it's always meant. - And it's just like, hey, not a woman, but a, like, it's like-- - Not a woman, but I thought I'd hop in here. Okay, they ask. I very much fancy the lady who walks past my house at 8.36 a.m. each morning. (audience laughing) - Yeah. - How can I justify being outside my house as she passes? (audience laughing) - How about leave people alone? - Hit her with a cheeky top of the morning to you. (laughing) - Hey! - It turns out it's just like the royal male woman walking by giving posts. I know this is gonna sound silly, but it's like, is it, it's the royal male woman? - Yeah. - Royal's just a cool thing to throw on stuff. - Okay. In order to increase my chances of speaking to said woman, I have recently started to empty my recycling at 8.35 a.m. - Saving the environment and hitting on women. - It's a net positive. (laughing) - Got all these empty protein shake bottles from-- - I've been farting all day. - I've been farting really bad. - It was in St. Petersburg. The protein craze has hit England. - Yeah, they're getting buff here. (laughing) - Did you guys know about this? Did you know, did you know that? - Every time I see anything that I recognize from back home, I'm like, I walk past, I'm like, "Soul cycle, whoa!" (laughing) - Truly the first thing I saw, we were walking and I was like, "Wing stop!" (laughing) - Whoa! - Whoa! - To be fair, I do that in America. (laughing) - Every Wings stop. You legally have to point out and go, "Wing stop!" - Okay. - That's all you're-- - Pumper! (laughing) - Pumper, come quickly. It's a Wings stop. (laughing) - I have now done this three days in a row achieving awkward eye contact in a polite smile each time. How else can I justify being outside my house at 836 AM without looking like a massive knob? - Dude, she's in to you. (laughing) I think she's in to you. Why is she delivering the mail at that time every day? - I'm walking past my house. She's in to me, dude. - Oh my god. - This dude needs a DMZ Chan real bad. - Yeah, he does. - Yeah, I'd be like, "I'm getting rid of this." (laughing) - I did not do anything with it, by the way. (laughing) So do you watch anime? - You're-- (laughing) - So are you recognize her? - We obviously think this is ridiculous. But what is a good-- - But hypothetically. - But hypothetically, let's have fun here. What would you do? - A million pounds. - Give her money. - Yeah, I think money is honestly like a great way to lure someone into something. - You just like-- (laughing) - You know, candy puppies, money. - I think you gotta go like full bugs bunny on it or like elmer food trying to trap bugs. Like set up traps. - Yeah, you're gonna-- - Yeah, you're gonna get a giant box with a stick and a string. - Yeah, you're gonna want to set up some-- - And there is a mail. - Set up a trail cam, just to catch her on it. - Yeah. - She's coming. - Yeah, and it just the box is undelivered mail. (laughing) And she knows she can't resist that. - Return to center. - No, you go out and you're like, I'm going to open my neighbor's mail if you do not go on a date with me. (laughing) - Is that taken as seriously here? 'Cause like, have you, like, what? - No, no, no, no. - Like the red of crime? - No, no, you'll have. - But I mean, like opening someone's mail, they're like, oh, that's like in America, they're like, that is a federal crime and you can get in so much trouble. I'm like, bro, it's the fucking mail, grow up. Like, you're getting mail. - Fucking loser. - Why are you, why are you as a man receiving mail? (laughing) - Yeah, that's a red flag already. - Yeah, he's fucked, yeah. - Oh, wait, why don't you just fucking order a bunch of packages? - Yeah, order more mail. - But like, is this the mail person, or did I just put-- - I think we made that up. - I think I just tunnel visioned us right from the get-go. - What if this is just a woman on her way to work? - And he's just like, I have mail! (laughing) - You're actually so right. - Do you want mail? - What if OP is a beautiful woman? - Oh. (cheering) - Yeah, yeah. - Where's the, where's the, where's the, we're now, huh? - Where's the, where's the asshole side? - It never occurred to you that OP could be a beautiful woman. - She just, yeah, she is not, she is not a mail, a royal mail person. I think you said that in a blue line so much. - I did, I'm sorry, I put a soft track. - Here, look, I've done a great disservice to this. - I'm gonna go on the right, I'd be like, I feel like, I was just a Reddit story and Sean deliberately misunderstood the Reddit prompt. You know, they're asking UK, and I feel like we're not, we're clearly having trouble with this. Isn't there something under the table right there? - Oh, dude, you're so right, my bad. - Okay. (cheering) - Is that only, is it, I'm getting ready to offend. I didn't get one. - And you don't get one. - Shit. - It takes me, it takes me a couple minutes to find the voice. - You'll get there. - And it's left, just give me like, give me like a solid five minutes of silence and I'll get us there. - Oh, yes, Daddy. - Like, sometimes I feel like I'm doing an impression of you doing it. - Really? - Yeah, like, oh dear. - People said when I first introed the first gentleman's video, they said I sounded like the queen. - That's so sick, dude. - Okay, so I was like, welcome to this program. - And I think I slip into doing that. Like, if I hear it first, I start doing that and then it slowly becomes, - Well, you had just read Dracula, and we're Frankenstein, right? - I think I had read both of them. - And you were just like, first. - I was just regurgitating old English idioms. - Yeah. - It was wild. - They flowed through me. - Well, do we not have a hat on? - Do we not have a hat for you? This is so sad. - It's okay, it's okay. It's fine. It's fine. - Surely someone in the audience. - You guys just wear those all the time, right? - No one looks at me. - But when he does. - We simply must. - We simply must. - This, I was, I was literally. (audience cheering) - And this, to be clear, this is probably nicer than. (audience cheering) - Oh, dear. - And that's not even a costume. - Oh, that is how he dresses. - Like, thank you ever so much. - I feel invigorated. - Well, he should simply propose and she'll have to, she'll have to marry him. He has no money, no prospects. - No bitches, no bitches. - He should go out on a hunt. He is not from a noble family. - He should go out on a horse. - Oh, I think a lot of it was also coming from the terror. - Ah, yes. - Dan Simmons. - Yes? - Shout out Dan Simmons. - Shout out Dan Simmons, who passed away recently, I think. - Oh, shit. - Yeah, sad, sad. - What a fun show you've all come to. - I hate to. - That must all out. - First you hate. - First you hate on our juice. And then you inform us of our passing, the juice here is positivity. It's pickleable. You know what, I've changed sides. (laughing) Now I love the juice here. - People are gonna be like, how is the show? It's like, they mocked us the entire time. - Oh, the juice should be bitter and shitty. - I didn't think it was quite funny at all at all. - Comments, I feel that a person's morning commute to work is a difficult time to make romantic advances. Someone said, defrosting your car, having a cigarette slash vape, taking your dog for a shit. Well, this sounds like endeavor doomed to failure. I admire the optimism. - Nothing is gonna see my dog taking a shit. - It's like, hey, you smell that? - Good, good. - What do you think he ate? - Oh shit. - What do you think he ate yesterday? - Dude, getting like, being like, get a load of this guy to your dog, my stupid fucking dog. - Shitty fucking dog. - Sorry, my dog has to shit at 835 every day. - Oh, anyways, what do you think? - I think he should go out and shit on his own lawn. (audience laughing) - Talk about it with a make-up. - Just make your dog's like, "Broom, boom, boom." - Just eye contact. (audience laughing) (audience cheers) Yeah. Lastly, someone said, "Step one is not being a creep. Don't track her movements like that. If you see her when you're out naturally, then you should say hello in the form of morning or good morning. Just don't fucking weird her out and become some little stalker." No, no, dude, you're gonna wanna tag her. (laughs) Blowdart, just yeah. Like realistically, like what if she changes her path, like you're gonna wanna know? That's true. But what about our unknown now? Yes, I get my bloodhounds. (laughs) And the hunt begins. Ah, there he is. And we're off. We have another story from Ask UK. (audience cheers) It should be called like our Ask a Lad or something like that. Here we go. Girlfriend angry for peeing in the sea. (laughs) It is in the ocean if you must. Peeing the ocean if you must. (audience cheers) I must say to preface, I've pissed in the smallest bodies of water with no hesitation. I've pissed in the seven seas. Every river, I've pissed in my own bath water. Manifest pissed in it. Before I get into the bath, I piss into the bath. Gives it a nice tang. Tastes better than the orange juice. Don't even have fucking mouth. Who is she's coming? Who knew that the orange juice would be the thing? They hate you, dude. I forgot we're reading stories. This is just fucking nonsense. Let's read these stories. Okay, girlfriend angry for peeing in the sea. Is it a normal thing to do? Wait, in the sea? In the ocean. Oh, dude. Currently on holiday for our two year anniversary. I went into the sea to take a piss while my girlfriend was at the bar. When she came back, I told her I went for a wee in the sea. They're the most British. And you're on holiday taking a wee in the sea. This is an American making sure that everyone knows. He's like, actually, I'm not sure. Y'all are so lucky that we weren't here for the jet-toe holiday like vocal stem. Oh. That was like, you could not walk 10 feet with that. People would have been walking out of this theme. We would have been like, I can't do it. It was never my thing. Court can do it, perfect. They can do the jet-toe. Lois Griffith. Courtney, what the fuck? We're enjoying the show. Nothing beats a jet-toe holiday. And right now, you can say 50 pounds per person. You can have 100 pounds for a family of four. OK, bye. Genuinely, an inescapable vocal like, oh, my god. OK, y'all. We in the sea. Just a dollar, all right. Yeah, yeah, fuck you. And she said she was disgusted, and that her parents would be disgusted. But my family have been peeing in the sea for years. And I don't think what's wrong with father. Oh, this ocean started with piss for 500 years. They've been peeing in this ocean. You built this. What do you think it's big and salty? And that one sank into the swamp. Yeah. Fuck, I raised you this. Who up pissed him in the shower? Yeah. There was a Reddit story. This is from probably 10 years ago, and I need to find it. But it was about this guy whose girlfriend would-- they would always shower together. I know this story. And he would pee in the shower, and she would get so mad. But it would make him laugh so much that he would just-- but I think they broke up over it. And to me, I'm like, that's the funny should ever, because it's like, it's low-key a victimless crime. Peeing in the shower while someone else is in the shower? That's a little different. I think that's a little different. You lost me on that one. If you're by yourself-- We're really far. Don't look at me like I'm looking at you. Look at that, whoa. You get it. If you're in the bathroom by yourself, piss wherever, clean it up. Clean it up. I understand you're in the shower. The shower cleans it up. The shower showers with me. It's also the smell. My face smells like high-dream. I mean, listen, like, down and asparagus. I'm so hydrated, you don't know. No, generally, my-- I don't know. I'm going right now. Sometimes I don't realize. If I'm in this, haha, tricks on you. OK. Let's get to these comments. It's the sea. You've added a minuscule amount of piss to it. It is a pissy drop in the ocean. There is a lot worse than that in there. Let loose the fire hose, my man. The fire hose, OK, big, big Johnson over here. Think of all the straws in there, like-- Yeah. Someone said, even though it's demonstrably less dirty, since you're less immersed in it, the idea of standing in ankle-deep water and taking a piss feels infinitely more disgusting. I will agree with that. I wonder what the reaction would be if my dick was slightly above the surface. Wait, Sean, just floating. Sean, we have not asked you this. Are you an over-the-boxers or through-the-boxers guy? Over. Hey, wait. I understand that the hole is there for reason. I don't know anyone who uses this. Let me get some cheers for over-the-boxers. Pretty extreme. Let me get some cheers for through-the-boxers. OK, get out. There was less. That was tepid as fuck. And let's get a cheer from everyone. I didn't like them being feeling left out. OK, lastly, OP left a comment. They said, Reddit has deemed it fit to give me a warning on this post, not to sure why. To all the people saying to dump my girlfriend, she is brilliant, I love her dearly. There are no underlying problems in our relationship that I'm aware of. She's pretty funny and earns more money than me. What's not to love? Everyone has their quirks, a bit of piss and the massive ocean seems to be hers. Went swimming together today. She decided to hold her wee in while I stood my ground and pissed then and then I-- That's dangerous. She could explode. Wait, have you guys ever pooped in a body of water? No, what? That's so different. I have never done-- I have never fucking leaving you. I have never done it, but I know a lot of people when they go camping or out on boats. No, they go in the water to shit. What? I swear to God. That is bad etiquette, you're supposed to-- Oh, I don't do it, and I disagree with it. The beers will get you. Yeah, you're right. You had a package of-- anyway, I thought that more people would have heard of that. No. So that's like a thing you guys do here, right? OK, it is time for our final story. Woo! And it is a doozy. Oh, hell yeah. I love this one. OK, this last story comes from true off my chest. We end on a confession. My coworker has no idea I know what he used Pringles cans for as a team. Oh, please let it be one of these. And what did he use it for? Please let it be one of these. Well, he uses it for the cylinder. Someone made me got that reference. My husband and I have been married for a little over a decade. I've lived in the same state my whole life, but my husband grew up halfway across the country before moving here as an adult. Over the years, we've shared plenty of stories about the people we knew growing up. One story my husband, E, told me early in our marriage, involved a guy from his neighborhood we'll call B. Apparently, when they were teenagers, B pulled E aside and to fucking men in black. I'm lost already. Yeah. M to the B. E. It's just so effortless for you. It's so cool. I'm always afraid of making a reference. And they're like, no. Don't do that. Don't do that one. OK, B pulled E to side and shared what he claimed was a great fapping trick involving a Pringles. Involving a Pringles can and microwaved banana peels. Who are you to judge? Assuring him it felt just like the real thing. OK. And what is the real thing? For those of-- For those in the audience who might not understand what is the real thing? Ever since hearing that story, B has occupied exactly one spot in my brain. Pringles and banana peels guy. I feel like you'd need a couple banana peels. You probably need a few. Maybe not. You probably need like 10 banana peels. I don't know this guy. Maybe not. So any time E mentioned B's family, I'd immediately think, wait, is that the sister of the Pringles can guy? Fast forward to a few months ago, my company announced a new hire with the same first and last name as B. Fuck yeah. They posted his photo. I sent it to E and he confirmed it was the same guy. Since then, I've met B and introduced myself as E's wife. We've talked a few times about what a small world it is. He's a perfectly nice guy. What B doesn't know is that for more than 10 years, I've known him exclusively as the guy who claimed a Pringles can and microwave banana peels felt just like the real thing. Fuck yes. So now I see him around the office. We chat occasionally. Everything is normal. But in my head, he'll always be the Pringles can and banana peels guy. I wonder what Pringles can banana fucker. You should do like a try guys episode about this. Like Miss Buster's? Yeah. Guys, fun fact, our director, Emily, learned about the UK's online safety act and had to submit her age in order to look at Reddit to do this story. [APPLAUSE] They were like, hey, before you read Pringles and banana peels story, you're an adult, right? - Yeah, I don't like him. - We're censored everywhere over here and now it's fucking soft. - This was the first time I ever used a VPN and was like, oh, it's goaded. (laughing) - Why? (laughing) What for what purpose? - To buy Pringle cans. - Yeah, do you think he looks at the Pringle's guy during, he just like has to turn the can away? - Does the Pringle's guy have a name? - Mr. Pringle. - He does have a name and I forget what it is. - Anyone know the Pringle guy name? - Okay, that was just a noise. (laughing) - So, no, no, no, no. - Flashlight. - Flashlight. - Someone's like, that's me, dad. - DMZ Chan, my dad. - DMZ Chan. - Do you think if those guys met? - What did you say? - What did you say on the floor? - Do not give DMZ Chan a Pringles can. (laughing) - It's bad news. - Keep doing that. - Oh, Julius Pringles? - Julius, aka Mr. P. Mr. P and Mr. Pib. - Dr. P. - What? - I was, you know, you started joke and you don't finish it. - Mr. P, more like, Mr. Penis in cast. - Mr. Penis. - I'll never look at bananas the same again. - I'm really not sure the configuration of this device. - I'm really not sure. - I think that's part of the fun, Shane. How I like to imagine it is. - There's so many ways to fuck a Pringles again. - Guy. - You probably have to line the inside of it with a towel first and then the banana? - You kind of have to have the peels like, yeah, you kind of trap it and it's like a Sarlac pit. - Yeah. - With the banana. - And you take the Pringles out, right? - Come on. We have the-- (cheering) - Sorry. Okay, can I say, guys, maybe some of you will be excited about this, just this past week. We were also reading a story back in our studio. And it had to do with a mini M&M's tube. (cheering) - A class. - A guy was saying a cylinder was stuck in an M&M's tube. - And mini M&M's tubes to be clear? That's tiny. - Yeah, I'm sorry. - They're actually pretty big. (laughing) Bloody big. But we were reading that story with the basement yard. So, stay tuned for that. - Not actually them, just like pictures that we were-- - Just pictures of Joe and Frank. - All right, we've got some comments here. Someone said, "Start calling his wife, Pringles." (laughing) Someone said, "So was it just one banana peel?" Asking for a friend. - That's what I'm saying. - I know, what's going on? - Help a brother out. - Someone said, "As a former teen myself, that's not the weirdest thing I've heard. I've got my own stories that you couldn't waterboard out of me." - The fuck? - He said like, "Blade Runner, I've seen things you people." (laughing) - Lastly, someone said, "I couldn't even make it all the way through. That's nasty as fuck." - Someone responded saying, "You're supposed to take the Pringles out first." (laughing) - Oh, he's my job outer. - He's mashing up crumbs in there. - Dude, mashing potatoes in there. - Those are sharp. - The fingering potato? - Don't ever say-- - I jacked potato. - When you're being in the mash. - Jacked my-- - Ooh! Good punch up. - Jacked my potato. - Jack my septic eye. (laughing) - Jacked my septic eye during the banana Pringles can with DMZ China, my hot potato. (cheering) - It's a whole circle. - Kid named Pringles can. - Can you get a Pringles can, Pringles? (laughing) - Is Pringles pregnant? - Does his Pringles pregnant? - All right, London, you are such an incredible crowd. (cheering) This has been so much fun. Thank you Spencer and Jack septic eye. Give it up for him. (cheering) - And thank you Shane. Thank you Courtney Angela, Spencer, Jack septic eye. And thank you to Ian for shugging that cider. Thank you London, you're lovely. Thank you. (upbeat music) [BLANK_AUDIO]