Lisa Gilroy & Ben Schwartz (BEST FRIEND'S CLUB)

This is episode of Sponsored by Helix Sleep. You go to helixleap.com, you take their sleep quiz, it takes like a minute, are you a back sleeper? Are you a backer side sleeper? - Side. - Same. - Funny you ask, okay? 'Cause I used to be a side sleeper on my life, but the last three weeks, both my sides hurt. I forced a sleeper on my back, and I never could, and I'm doing it now. And the only reason I'm doing it now is because I'm on a Helix mattress. - Also, I've told you about this. Are you putting a pillow under your legs? - No. - I'm telling you, dad. - Put pillows under your legs, it puts pressure off your lower back. - I love Helix mattress. - They will mail the mattress to you. - Aunt Lauren has one. - Right. - Teddy got one. - Teddy got one. - We got one here, and the guest room. - People are loving their Helix. Mark, if you want to try one at your place, you get a 120 day money back guarantee. Go to helixleap.com/tyso for 20% off-site-wide. - 20% set-site-wide, that's helix-leap-dad/tyso. - Helixleap.com/tyso for 20% off-site-wide. - You know what I mean. - What's the sign? - I saw Lisa on this show, and I thought, you guys were so funny together. I met her once or twice before, and then she blew up and started appearing a lot of improv shows, and she's friends with Drew Tarver, who does a lot of my improv shows. But I saw her here, and I saw you guys wrap, and then I saw her at dropout, and I thought she was so funny, but I saw her at a show, and people are like, it should be a great improviser to have on and stuff like that. - I would love to do it at least an episode of this podcast with the three of us. - Last time, what happened? Last time, you really wanted, you're like, we should do another one, and as almost like a bit, I said, I said, "How many views does it have?" And you said, "How many it had?" I said, "If it gets to blank number, we'll do another one." I don't know if you established the number. - Let's say the number was 157, and you're like, "Well, when it hits 175, it was something like. " - Oh yeah, and then you texted me like, "It 175." - Yeah. - And then I were like, "All right, I'll come back." - I pick a number for this one, if it hits it, it'll be me, you, and Lisa, I've never performed before. - That would be great to put us all together then. - Yeah. - It's hard to say that, man. It's hard to call it out now. - Whatever you call right now has to be what it is. - 60,000. - No, it has to be way above what this one is. - Well, I think what it was for this was 175, so it was 200, we'll say 200. - 2.0s do not do as well as 1.0s. - I guess this is gonna be the one that does. - If it gets to 200,000, they'll be you and Lisa. - This is 200K, where does Lisa sit? - All right, what you are. - And then we'll rise it there. - Oh, you mean Wendy's together. - Have you ever done two people the same time? - Oh, yeah. - I mean, I know you're saying on a podcast. - Yeah, yeah. - 200. I feel like we'll get close, maybe not. And if we don't, I'll see you when I see you. - Yeah, we could do something else. We could play Tetris or something. Remember I didn't have many friends, don't you wanna? - The music. - Oh yeah. ♪ Shoot, do ♪ ♪ You may go, you may go ♪ ♪ Shoot, do ♪ ♪ Oh yeah, oh yeah ♪ ♪ Shoot, do ♪ ♪ You may go, you may go ♪ ♪ Shoot, do ♪ ♪ Oh yeah ♪ - Hey! - Best prize prize! (laughing) (bell rings) - Woo! - I'll be peeing as usual. - That's where the handheld is. Take it on the bathroom, at least on it. Take it on the bathroom. - Come check it out. - Give him the bathroom. - Hi, I'm Ben, by the way. - Hi, I'm McCone. - What's up McCone? Nice to meet you. - I'm C-Capital K-O-N-E. - Thanks. - Yeah. - When the third letter's capital, you know that they're Irish, right? Or you could assume that they might be Irish at least. - Hey, just to erase that sort of thing, cancel. - And also, if an Asian person finds a genie, Bob's gonna say his first two words are Irish. (laughing) - I'm gonna give you a special mug, Ben. - Keepy, pop-up, keepy, pop-up. Great, is it gonna say, "Jew on it?" - No. - Hold on. - Carbs? - I love it. I absolutely adore it. - Oh, um, carbs. - Oh, it's a Simpsons mug. He knows that I created this Simpsons mug. I flushed going down your toilet. - Would you do something else? Did you do like makeup or something that are final touches you did? - Um, why are you wondering where I took some of them? - You know, I didn't think you took one of them at all. - Oh, um, no, I didn't do that. - I'm not so terrible that I have. - Well, I did a big poo. I put my gum down the toilet. - Can you imagine? - You guys don't know if that was the bad kind of breathe of a woman. - Yeah, I'm telling it. - My pulse right now. - But I have to get, um, water, sorry. So I don't need anything. Hi, I'm Lisa. - Hi, I'm McCone. - We both said hello. - McCone. - Um, I'm gonna focus you guys up. - Focus up. - Um, Ben, you look like you got some nice sun. Do you want to come and go back in? - No. The opposite. I feel like I've been outside. - Where have I been to when you feel like? - Oh, that was in August. And I still have a call from it. - Oh, good. - For two months, I've had a call for two months. Is that really cool? You're not gonna do, you're not, you're gonna wear headphones? - Yeah. - Is that okay? - That's whatever you want. I'm not gonna tell you you're doing something wrong. - Oh, oilier socks? (laughing) - Canadian socks? - You know, why do we have something about that bar? - Oh yeah, get the mic. This is gonna be important. - I have to say something about that bar. - Yeah. - Do you know the mom and the dad? - Oh, it's my shirt and, yeah. - The king and the queen, they're actually cousins. - What, it says who? - It's in the actual lore, it's in the books. They're first cousins. - Really? - Yeah. - So now what do you think? - So they're married and they're first cousins? - Yeah, and they had sex, and they had Babar. - Do we know that they had sex? Or is Babar adopted? - Babar's their biological son, and they're cousins. That's true. - Okay, you want to ruin anything else for my childhood over here? Uh oh, I could see something. I could see something. - You didn't do finals. - I never do. (laughing) Look where I am. - How do you get such volume? - Judaism. - This episode is sponsored by Underdog Fantasy. - Download the app today. Sign up with promo code-- - Hi Tho. - To school a hundred dollars, and bonus entry. When you play it for five dollars. - That's promo code Tyso. - You must be 18 or older. - Well, 19 plus an Alabama and Nebraska-- - 19 plus in color water for some games. - And 21 plus an Arizona, Massachusetts, and Virginia. - And present in a state where Underdog Fantasy operates. - Turn supply. Uncle Wiki, I want to see you do stand up. - Everyone wants to see Uncle Wiki, do stand up. - Sweetie, a pack that I want to see him this week at the Comedy Store, Main Room, crushed, annihilated, applause breaks, fit right in. Do you think he had a hard time following legends such as Dan Cook and Jay Leno? No, Rick, you crushed, man. That was the best that I've seen you do, sincerely. - Thank you. - I've been on the road a lot, and I'm getting ready. I can think about trying to come up with a date to fill my special. I've been working on this set for over a couple years now. And I guess it's fair to say that Ricky's on the loose. Right now, I'm gonna be in Vegas. - Vegas. - December 12th and 13th. Phoenix, Arizona, January 9th, 10 and 11, and Cleveland, Ohio, May 1st and 2nd. I'm adding a lot more dates soon. I don't have them yet, but if you want to find out where I'm going to be, and also sign up for my email list. I do not spam you. I'm only gonna email you to let you know if I'm coming within 50 miles of your city, like my mother-in-law. Iris, did you know that there's an issue with John's mother-in-law? - Grandma. She went into some low valleys. (laughing) So sign up for this just to find out if I'm gonna come to your city, go to punchup.live/rickglasping. - Run, don't walk. - That's punchup.live/rickglasping to find out when I'm coming to your city. (singing in foreign language) - Did you really need a comic book, like our cartoon strips, comic strips growing up? Surely you did. - Archie, I guess. - Really? - Yeah. - Okay. - That's probably the only one. - Really? So if you're, do Canadian newspapers have comic strips on Sunday? - Yeah. - Okay. - The Sunday fanies. And what kind of ones did they have? Did they have coven hubs? - Yes. - Wow. - And they had Dilbert? - Oh yeah. You're not a Dilbert girl. I could tell that from a mile away. Did you like it? - Why, 'cause I've never had a job. - No, just, it seems like a boring one for you. - No, I like corporate humor. - Okay, give me a joke. - Tell me corporate humor joke. - Corporal humor? - Yeah, give me a corporate humor joke. - Okay, two people are hanging out in an office. One person says. - Oh, wait, so we're in the office and I'm telling a joke in the office. - Okay. - Do you wanna, like a knock, knock, do you wanna make like a situational joke? - I want you to deliver me a log line for a 30 minute situational comedy that we could then pitch as the three of us. - Okay, the three of us we work in a water cooler office. - And we make water coolers? - We make water coolers. - I love it so far. - But you're allergic to water. - Come on. And you're allergic to plastic? - Yeah, and we're allergic to computers. - Oh, it was literally same, it was different. - What did you mean? - What did you say? - I said people and she said computers. - How is that the same? - Because it's something that's in the office that you can't deal with that's everywhere. - Like water and plastic. - Yeah. - I have a feeling you're gonna get, absolutely. I don't know if you're gonna like this. - This game or are you about to tell me something? - You're gonna get roasted. - Does this make you feel weirder because there's someone else in here. Do you feel like it makes you feel like you can't say the things you wanna say or because it's this all the time? Do you feel like, or is this the first time you ever try to handheld? No, I was using, I had to switch all my cameras to have ones that have a smaller processor because of my intolerance to computers. - Good one. - Good one. - Oh, that's why you have it. You're gonna make it like the office. - Right, me. - No. - Yeah, is it so that we can give like gym looks like? - I'm just confused. I thought gym looks were more like this. - No, no, no. It's G-Y-M. She's talking about J-I-M from the office, like Giff and Giff. - No, like this. - Like this? - No, that's gym, G-Y-M. - Like this. - That's really good. Let me get one real quick. - Hey, Ben, why don't you take a sip of that drink real quick? - Oh, no, what's wrong with it? - No, nothing. - Would you put it in it? - It's just orange juice. - Is it say dough or something? - Gold, gold, gold. - Oh, I mean, it's water. - Oh, yours must be allergic. - Careful, don't scare Alvin. - I'm just gonna sweep out it. - Oh, nice. Oh, like we're doing the improv scene? - I thought that's, yeah, I don't know. You guys are the professionals. - Oh, I didn't know we were still on the scene. - You want to improvise? You're gonna be a professional. - Yeah, we're gonna come on stage with me. - How was your show on Friday? I missed it. - The ultimate improv show? - Yeah, how did it go? - It was a pleasure. - Did you improvise? - I did improvise, but they did, I was the monologist. But I like that they do two halves, and you do two monologues per half, so it's not just up top. - Yeah. - You get to do it throughout. - That's what we do in Benchorzen, friends. We go to the audience once in the beginning and once in the second half. - I get to do it four times. - Oh, how nice. - For the audience. - For the audience. - What were your suggestions? That's the wrong bit. - What was your suggestion? And did you have anything packed in your brain or you literally thought about it on the spot? - What's the difference? - For stories. Like, they talked about dog adoption, and I had something packed in my brain about my dog. Like, I have a story about adopting dog. - Perfect, that's great. - Some are good. - But it wasn't like, I have these four stories, I'm gonna find a way to save these four stories. - Oh, no, that's like-- - Then you do that's like saying you're freestyle wrapping, but you already have it written. - It's perfect. - Improv is freestyle wrapping, stand up is wrapping, but you wrote the wraps beforehand. - Basketball is a sport, and scuba diving is underwater. - Yes. - And tennis is something, is shoulders, and rollerblading is feet. - And it's a shoulders, let her finish. - Dude, you're so-- - It's crazy how much-- - You're like man's winning everything to me. - Just let her finish. - Like I said-- - And it's a shoulders. - Yes, rollerblading is feet. - Yeah. - The tongue is wrist. - Exactly. - Oh, I get it, piano is fingers. - Piano. - What are you talking about? - Yeah, let the fuck go. - You guys are the varsity improvisers. - No, we're not really taking it out of the gym. - I don't get to do things with improvisers a lot, and there's a stand up here. This is not a bit. Do you feel like you have to defend improv? Rick is different because I feel like Rick enjoys improv. We've talked about it the best. But do you feel like if you're with stand ups because you've done a lot of these, like I have, that you have to defend what we do long form improv or something like that, or-- - Yes, yeah, a little. - You do? - But then I also say we think of it on the spot, and you guys write it beforehand, so really-- - That's your defense. - Who's kind of being more like rock and roll about it? - Wow. - I think it's a bummer. Are you okay? - No, well, her response is great. - I think it's a bummer that there has to be like-- - A competition. - I agree. - Let me finish. - Sorry. - But yes. - God, you're really being misogynistic if you can take it down a notch. Sorry, finish. - Thank you. - You got it. - Can we break down the word misogynistic? What's the root of the beginning? - Well, I'll take-- - It's a soup. Why is a soup? What does it mean if it's more than a soup? Misogynistic? What you hate to soup? It's just salty soup. - I never thought of it that way. I always thought it was because men are the one that are doing Asagynist. - Misogynist. - Don't. Misogynist. - Don't. - Asagynist. - I love your winks. So sometimes people think that I'm saying something like what you thought Lisa was saying, which she wasn't. Misogynist. - Asagynist. - Sometimes I say, when I say miso, sorry. - Asagynist. - People think I'm making fun of the broken Asian English. - What are you making fun of? When I go to a restaurant and they bring me the wrong soup, I apologize. I meant to miso. Sorry. - Oh, so you were just-- you're sincerely using an example when you ordered miso soup. - Mm-hmm. - Okay, so that one's not as bad, but I can't imagine that's true. - You can't? - You can't even imagine it? - No, no. - I was like, give me a second second. - I can't picture it. - Then you're out. Lisa and me. - You have to close your eyes for the rest of the podcast. And if you make one more foul, then your mouth gets closed. - Okay. - But you can always keep your ears open. - You know what's interesting? - It depends if I'm talking about a little bug or the person that's fucking my uncle. - I say aunt for both. - Which uncle? - First base. Very good. You could open your eyes. - Thank you. I'm back, baby. - So Ben was wondering. - Backstreet's back. - All right, all right, all right. That's my impression of Matthew McConaughey casually saying it with a backstreet voice. - Backstreet's back. - Yeah, but the producers make it seem more intentional. Where he goes. Backstreet's back. All right, all right, all right. - All right, that's good. I'd like that a lot. - Outfades out. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - He's having a real big comeback. - Matthew McConaughey? - Oh, yeah. - Did he go away? - Yeah. - I don't think so. - He came back after the movie Mud. He was this rom-com fucking shirt off. - What was years ago? - I don't know Mud. - It's still coming piece. - You would know Mud. - I don't know Mud. - You've never known Mud. - Never known it. - Hey, Lisa. And this isn't directed at you. But what does Mud spell backwards? - Don't do it, don't do it. Don't do it. - Mmm. - Mmm. - Oh my God. - Mmm. - Oh my God. - Mmm. - I'll give you a hint. It's you right now. - Oh my God. - Oh my God. - Me so stop it. God, you're really gonna be using that camera lab today. - Normally, normally, normally, normally, Matthew McConaughey stuttering. (all laughing) - Too big. - Can't you really, I don't, I fold this down? - You don't even need him. - Well, I need to wear them because my hair's messy. - Your hair looks great. - Well, you know what I'm talking about. - You're right, sorry. - Stop being racist, I can see you. - Stop saying that kind of anything. - All right, so I don't know which one is yours. So I'm gonna try turning one down. You tell me if this lowers it. - Okay. Ben Hock. - Ben Hock. - Oh, your turn is voice lowering. You make him quieter. - Is that you, did that work for you? - There's a birthday party at the house of Paris. - Lisa, is this making you see my friends? - You're doing it. - It's a birthday. - It'll only be like a picture print number. - Not you? - These wonderful things, the number two are a lot. - Life's these little things, the things are a remember all through our lives. Yep, that worked. Thank you. - Every and the most innocent of me. - His dog ever gone so annoyed that he leaves. - All right, let's do it. Hit us up. - Oh yeah. - Start the thing. So Ben, this is your third appearance. After the first appearance, you said we wanted to hit a certain amount of views. And then you'll make a second appearance. We hit it. After that, you're like, all right, it was easy to hit that number. Let's up the number a little bit. I think the number was 200,000 or so. - If this gets 1 million retweets, I'll release my album. - Oh my god, you're for real? - Yeah. - You're a country neo-so album? - Oh wait, just a second, I got hacked. Do you know who that happened to? - No. - Remember when Rita ordered, Rita ordered. Rita ordered, if this gets like 100,000 retweets, I'll release my first single early and then no one retweeted it and then she said she got hacked. - That's not true. - That's true. - I mean, not no one retweeted but I wasn't getting close to the number. - She's great. But also Twitter is done. - Twitter is done. - Literally, it's now it's X. - X. - Yeah. - X, go and give it to you. - There you go. - Yeah. - First I wanna. - Then I wanna. - Then I need to. - Give it to you. - Yeah. - That's his list for things to do today. - How many different artists? - Okay, first I got hacked. - That's right, first you met him with kind of a laughing, but he only meant to say, "Ha." - Ha. - Ha. - Ha. - I guess he's like a friendship. - Ha. - Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. - Do you guys remember Pierre S. Cargo? And if so, did he influence your comedy in any way? - Who's that? - Keenan Thompson and all that. - Ha. - Ha. - Ha. - Ha. - She swiped to a little boy in a bathtub. - Let's take your shoes off, baby. - Anything's possible here. - Um, swipe to. - Well, you know what, Alvin? I'm sorry. - Swiped to a lady riding on the highway faster than she could ever go. - Oh, that's good. - Anything's possible on this podcast. - Ha. - That's right, buddy. - What's so sweet? - All right, well, is there anything you guys want to plug? - Oh, yeah. Well, when is this coming out? - Okay, Iris. - Ben Schwartz and friends, I think probably has a couple more shows. Unless it's out too late. - I don't know, but on my guesses, it's going to be out. This, it'll be out the last week of October or the first week of November. - I'd like to plug. - The last week of January. - Lisa Gilroy and the Big Gang. - What's it? - Well, we're going, we're kind of-- - Are you doing your own improv show? - Yeah, and we're touring and we're going, everywhere you guys are going. And we're waiting at the backstage door for when you come out to pull down your pants and kick the shit out of you. - Oh, so you're not performing. You're just coming to take down our pants? - Yes. - Okay. - And we're following you everywhere. We're doing nougie, we're doing face punishments. - You're coming to Chicago theater? - We're doing tooth knock. - Okay, what's that? - That's a brilliant, that's a brilliant, secret promotion for your show. - You want to do Chicago theater? - Yeah, we'll be waiting at the back door at the Chicago theater on the top. - October. - On October. - On October. - That's probably passed because this is coming out late October or end of January. - End of January? - Who is in the gang? Maybe you're in the gang. - Wait, do you have your own? Do you really have Lisa Gillor in the game? - No, I've only done a few like one offsets, Largo. - Has Lisa Gillor in the game? - Lisa Gillor and friends. But if you bring your friends, let's fight. - That'd be fun, like Anker Minto. - Yeah. - Whose friends do you think are better improvisers and whose friends do you think are better fighters? - Oh, that's a great question. - Well, I had Carl Tart on my last show. - He could kick the shit out of us. - So you're about to get stomped. - He could probably kick. He played Ben Schwartz and friends once. He could kick the shit out of us though. - Who do you think couldn't kick the shit out of you? - That's a great question. - What's the better than mine? - Yours was really good too. - Yours are three best friends. And this is our first sleepover. - You know what, I'm gonna make this an official best friends club episode. - Okay. - I don't even know if either of you know what that means. - No, what is that? - You'll see. - Okay, have you had one before? - I have had some best friends episodes. - Okay, and how did they go? - There's just a different intro, it's custom. - It goes, do you need a leave then? - You guys. - Best friends club. ♪ You need, you need, you need, you need, you need, you need ♪ ♪ So no one told your life was gonna be this way ♪ - Here's my first word of Matthew McConaughey clapping. - Go. - That's good. - One too many. - No, it's four. - Yeah, but. - I was with someone else clapping first and then him clapping too. - Yeah, Matthew McConaughey here's the clapping heat. ♪ It's like you're always stuck in second gear ♪ ♪ When it hasn't been your day ♪ ♪ Your weekend month ♪ ♪ When it hasn't been your year but ♪ - Sign felt. - Friends. - Oh, friends. - So when I learned how to beatbox, the one thing I learned how to do how to do the music in the background was to the sign felt theme. - What do you mean you had to learn? - I didn't have to learn, I didn't had to. - Ready this, I didn't have to. - Ready this, I didn't have to, you ready? - Yeah. - I'm feeling sick, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't I do it? - I'm allergic to computers, but that was a long time ago. - But you were talking like a computer. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You're trying to call out. - Do you think this would be a good scene? - Maybe, I'm gonna let you, you could, you can come on stage with me and Lisa anytime you want and you'll be great, ready? - Yeah. - This is me doing the beatbox but also the voice for this. - Oh, fun. - Okay, ready? - Yeah. (upbeat music) (upbeat music) - We're lit, we're lit. - Oh my God, look how many toys we're getting. - Now, what's this, a deep fried piece of skin? (laughing) Really, what is it, do you know? Is it from an animal? - It's beef cheek, dry beef cheek. - Eee. - You know, I used to have a bird that had a cuddle bone which is the bone of a cuddle fish and they like to, they like to be beside it and they like to nibble on it. - A cuddle bone? - Yeah. - Hardly newer here, comes three, two, one. - I remember when I had my first beer. - Yeah, it's good. - That still works on this podcast. What's up with you, how are you? - Thanks for asking. - Of course. - How are you? - I'm good, you didn't answer my question. - Oh, well, I'm feeling very creatively fulfilled with my standup and being on tour and in my personal life, I'm feeling a bit lonely and I wanna start a family. Both of those things occupy-- - How old are you now? - Almost 30. - Well, you're great, you're gonna be fine. - Yeah, you have lots of time. - Yeah, but 30, I hear that's when your body, like you can't eat this, you can't eat donuts as much. You're fine, you got five more years. - I feel like, how old are you? - You don't have to tell me your age. Are you older than that? - You have, yeah, I'm older than Rick. - Okay. - And you have so many eggs left still. - Dude, you should freeze 'em though. - I have freeze my semen already. In fact, I emailed one of the companies, honestly yesterday. - Can you freeze semen? - I've been doing it for a long time. I just never did it professionally. - That's good. - I didn't hear you. - Say it from top five, four, seven, eight, and. - I've actually been freezing my semen for real. I emailed with somebody yesterday about it. - You don't have to freeze your semen. You're seeing it's fine. - No, you're seeing it's fine. - You're semen, please stop flirting with me guys. - Semen's good, tell you're like 95. - Wait, I didn't know you could freeze semen. - You could freeze almost anything. - Okay, piss. - No. - Piss is like perfume, it doesn't freeze. - Oh, that's true, like, I don't know. - Perfume does freeze. It just freezes at a lower temperature than absolute zero of Fahrenheit. - That's not true, 'cause actually I live in Canada, Perfume is a Christmas present and I left it in the trunk and I didn't notice. - Toasty, toasty, toasty, toasty. - Exactly. - Hell no, toasty, you get toasty. - I brought my little brother and he always hips me up. - Toasty, finisher. - Thank you, my name. - Do you know what video game that's from? - Finisher. - Yeah, you know it, do it, do it, do it. - Sims? - Yeah. - Kommoshnalla, finisher. (laughing) - There's not gonna be, there's not gonna be a train of thought, but there's gonna be a lot of little things out there. - Do you guys, what are we gonna do? We better try something later. - That's just gonna be great for wine. How long have you guys been friends? Because isn't it true that you guys have known each other, known of each other longer, but only met each other recently? - I don't think we've ever hung out, sorry. - No, I don't think we've ever hung out, except for the one time we went to Canada's Wonderland. - Oh yeah, we went to Canada's Wonderland, which was very fun. - What's that? Is that like Grandpa's sheet? - It's like a Disneyland, but it's for Canada. - Yeah, and it's just outside of Toronto. - T-town, stand up. - And stand. - Wait, wait, wait. - Which, by the way, I'm going tomorrow. - You're going to Toronto? - Toronto? - Yeah. - Yeah. - Yeah, you're gonna go to Matty Matheson's restaurant, like I told you to. - I've been there for years. - It's a sea food restaurant. - Big burger, licks. - No, they're a prime sea food restaurant. - A picky guy. - Oh, never been there. What's the burger one he has there? - He has a hundred. He has a hundred restaurants. I think he has 12 restaurants. Get 'em on the phone. (mimics sound) - We try to get 'em on the phone, all my phones over there. Do you want me to come for real? - If you think it's worth calling 'em? - It's always worth calling 'em, but maybe not just in case. You know what I mean? Aren't you from Toronto? - Yeah, I used to live there. I'm not from there, I'm from Bedmond. - It's where she stands. - Oh, wow. - Yeah. - Lisa and I have, okay. Tell me when we're back. (upbeat music) ♪ Kid, kid, kid ♪ ♪ Candy, so candy ♪ ♪ Yeah, I called 'em, my daddy ♪ ♪ I just knew that I wanted to do comedy ♪ ♪ Like my man, he's so good ♪ ♪ He's the man, he goes to Toronto ♪ ♪ Where I stand ♪ ♪ I lived there, I was born there ♪ ♪ I was raised there, he was my daddy ♪ - You were chicken hair cut. - Psych, big pancake, look a book. - Lisa and I have, we can talk about the dropout thing we did. - Yeah, 'cause it's funny. - That's where you guys met, right? - And that's what we should also be proud of. - No, you came to a couple of shows, and I met you through Druttarver and Kaitlin and Amanda, the whole Tarver family, the whole podcast. - The first time I met you was at the fucking red notice premiere. - Oh yeah, you were, and then you flicked your hair. - I hair, and I went in your wife's face. - Yeah, yeah. - Oh my God, I was so embarrassing. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, so that was the first time, but then you went to-- - Hell and back. - Yeah, and then you like, you like stuck the landing and really were like, I hate anybody I flick with my hair. - I didn't see that. - You said this, we did, you did that, but then I saw you at a bench or some French show because of Drew. - Yeah, I was there with Kaitlin. - And you guys go theater, right? - No, no, that's in the end of October, nice. Wait, but then, wait, hold up, you did, I saw you, I think you came to Largo a couple of times and you came bench towards some friends, but then you started doing dinosaur. - Don't look like I've been following you around. - You have, right? - I only saw you do show once. - That's not true. - Oh, that's, I did twice. - More than twice. - Because Drew gets me tickets. - And you just probably, 'cause you wanted to watch Ben perform. He's really good at it, so five times. You think five times? - No. - Is he your favorite improviser that you watched? Tell me, who is? - I do want to hear you. - Drew Carey. (laughing) - He's from Cleveland. - He's from Cleveland. - The host of Whose Line Is It Anyway? - Yeah, I like that he says the points don't matter. I think he has a carefree attitude. - Point for you. - And I liked Drew Carey's show. - Who didn't, Cleveland Rocks. - Cleveland Socks, technically, when I'm there. She said Red Socks. I'm wearing white socks. Nice. New York Knicks. But I feel like the first time we ever got to talk was through dropout and this is probably the most words we've ever said to each other. - Yeah. - Which is very fun. - Yeah. - I decided to have you both on the reason together. The reason I thought of you together is because I think you guys are the King and Queen's of improv. - Oh, that's nice. - Really? - But now. - Now I know it. - I'm afraid for this episode. - Are you? - Yeah, I just feel like it's nothing's going to be like coherent. - You get scared after stuff, though. - Yeah, because I always think like what a nightmare for the audience that they had to see that. - The difference between performing live to somebody and performing to somebody while they're watching on their phone is they could easily skip timing. - Oh, that's good. - Skip. - No, turn away. - Turn away. - Turn away. - Yeah. - If I do this to anything happen? - Sure. - But I have to say what it goes to. - Sure. - There's a certain type of person that comes on this podcast, particularly you and Jake Johnson, that they want to make stuff happen, but they don't say what it is. - Okay. Got to Marty McFly sleeping weird at the beginning of the back of the future. - I can't think of it. That weird the way he slept, didn't that hurt his arm? - Do you think the audio only people know that we really showed it? I don't know. How much money did it cost? - Dilly-doo. Dilly-doo. Dilly-doo. - But they would hear it while they hear it while sleeping. - This is going to be a mess. This is going to be a mess. - Well, this is our first time doing it this way. We'll do more of these and we're going to find that pocket. - Do you think we're going to do more of these? This would have to get how many views, did you say? A million? - Yeah. - Can we make a really small album? - We say every time. - I was shocked that our episode, because our episode, whatever, it was a way, I think we needed 200,000. We were whatever. It was moving along, but then I posted some clips of us and then brought people to it and then people were like, "Oh, they're 30,000 away or something." And then it just, the people asked for it. The people asked for it. This is what they asked for? - Yes. - Wait, can I wait. I want to finish the thing. You, I saw you do a couple of shows and then you started doing what, and then I saw you were getting on stage with all these awesome people. I feel like this was years ago and then you were like, "Oh, that's right, that's right." like now you tour and do everything. You go out with dinosaur. - Yeah, yeah, I'm with dinosaur. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I was like, those are the people that I watched, coming up too. - Yeah, but those are the gonna be the people that kick your ass at the back of the theater that I'm saying. - Okay. - So I don't know how, if you think you can fight Huble and Manzoukis, and Manzoukis is back as feeling better so you don't watch the hell out. - I don't know if this means anything about me as an improviser, but if it was Huble and Manzoukis and me in a fight, the two of them together and me, I bet you I'd win. - I don't think you could. - I don't think you could take two humans. - Don't, I'm sorry, don't make me laugh. - Oh, I guess by accident I made you laugh. I guess maybe the show would go good, but it's two. I could beat them both up, I really think so. - At the same, two versus one? - Yeah, but I wouldn't beat you. - You can't take two humans. - It wouldn't be four fists. I'm not fighting Goro. I would know how to go around and beat the shit out of one guy, hit him in the side of his head. - What if one's in the front, one's in the back? - Then now I'm in the back and they're both in the front. Show me how. - What if he pork roast you? What if one's got your head and one's got your ass? - Give both of them. - Okay, slide, slide. Okay, go to the ass. - And I'll go around. - I love your cardigan. I love your cardigan. - Thank you. - Dude, what does it say on it? - Oh boy. - Hey boy. - That man Zook is boom in the face. - He was right behind you, we just ate your ear. - Oh, fuck, that hurt, man. Hell, what are the face? - Man, Zook is up, he's sucking your dick. - He's sucking your dick. - Buddy, then you know what? - You wouldn't let anyone suck your dick. - You know what, I'd have to at least find them funny. Do you have a funny sentence? Do you have a, do you feel like you have to be you say a joke? - No, I do think, I'm gonna answer you honestly. I do think there is value at times to playful sex. Yes. Traditionally, that it's not a default. - What about a first kiss? 'Cause it's like an awkward moment. You have your first kiss, after as you go, tastes great. - Or do you go, do you lean in and then go such a money? Like a fake out? - What's the word? - Okay, so I think the words are, such a, so this is what I kind of go like, like for a hand shake. Such a money. - What does that mean? - Such your money. - So I think what happened is there was a kid that used to say that in fifth grade. - Well, what you're saying, such your money, right? - I think it's fake, I think it's fake. - Such a money. - Literally, I think you're the only person that's, I've never heard that in my life. I'm very old. - Such a money. - I've heard psych. - Maybe he was always saying psyched your mind. - I don't think people say that either. - Should I try? - That might be the full sentence. - Psyched your mind. - That's pretty good, but nobody says your mind. It's kind of like geo is short for Giovanni, and you've only heard geo, but psych your mind might be Giovanni. Does that make sense? - Yeah, like Bonjon Jovi. - That's good. No. - Yes, actually. - Yeah. - Or Harrison Ford, but Pauli's family just calls him Harrison. I always think that's an interesting thing. - Or Harry, what if they call him Harry? - That would be amazing. Can you imagine going up to Harrison Ford and say, what's up Harry? And he goes, thanks man. Nobody ever does that. That would be amazing. - Or he might think your family, because you guys get endeared to people that call you a nickname, sometimes I do. People that don't know me very well, if they call me least, that's like what everybody eat. - That's a nickname. That's a nickname. - Who loves me? - But now people are gonna, I'll see this, and they're gonna like hack their way into your regard. - Hack my mind. - That's good. Are you Richard or Rick? In your legal documents? - I don't talk about that kind of stuff. - Wow, really? - Yeah. - It's your middle name. Your first name's Michael or something. - Michael, Richard. - That's what it is. - Michael Richards. Your name is Michael Richards. - Sarah, Jessica Parker Glossman. (humming) - See ya. Take care. (humming) - Ooh. - Okay. - Little, little, little, little, little, little, little, smoking, uh, that's what, uh, once again, something that could've been brought to my attention yesterday. - Those are all Jim Carey. - P-A-R-T-Y, because I got off. - He's really good. - And famously, could you be any cuter? - Winnipele guy. - Oh. - All right. - I'm gonna be based from Jared too. - Psyched your mind. - Absolutely, that is Safe's from Jared too. - Do not pass, go. Do not collect $200. The fucilli, Jerry, the Urban Sombraero, the bromansier, you won't open it. This is a collector's item, right? - No, just don't have anybody to play with. - Aww. - You know, it's funny. You have Ben Schwartz and Friends. You have Lisa Gilroy and Friends. I have Rick Glassman and Guests. - You just have Rick Glassman use toilet paper. - God. - In wads all around your house. - Well, put this way so that it is backing up. I think somebody's through a gum and a toilet. - Oh, I did. Do you think that means it's gonna take your toilet seven years to digest it? - Is that how long it takes somebody to digest it? - The supposedly it stays in there for a real long time. - Kind of like heartbreak. - But sometimes heartbreak feels good in a place like this. - That's true. We come to this place. We come to this place to shit in your toilet and put gum in there. - I feel like you're kidding me, dude. That's great. - Kidmaning me. - Cut to Nicole Kidman and-- - Kidding Eden out and find the core search. - Cut to Nicole Kidman. - In what? - Hey, I did. - Cut to Nicole Kidman, waking up from a nightmare in dead calm. - Wait, we can't just gloss over. - That didn't happen in finding Forester, did it? - Yeah. - Who, who, is that, that's what, that's what Forester found? - Forester is slaying for the clitoris. - No, I must have missed it. This is the movie with Sean Connery and the gentleman learning how to write. - Wow, I got a freaking-- - I thought it was about chess. - No, that's finding-- - Nemo, out Forester, Whitaker? - Yes, he's it. Forester, Whitaker, finding Forester. God. - Sweet, nice. - This is a mess. (laughing) - This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. - Iris, how long have you been in therapy? - About 15 years. - 15 years. Has that helped you feel more childlike? - Absolutely young man. - How old are you? - 47. - You're 47? Why do you look so young? - It must be the therapy. So when you go to therapy, correct me if I'm wrong. But do you sometimes feel like you're a little anxious or you're a little on edge and you don't have anybody to talk to or maybe you don't want to talk to somebody close in your life because you don't want to get any bias opinions? - You got it uncle. - Yeah, I get that way sometimes too. I also feel like sometimes if I talk to friends, they're kind of an advocate for me. So they're saying what they think I want to hear instead of what's best for me and my well-being. - You're preaching to the choir. - You relate to this, huh? - Oh yeah. - Iris, I know you already have a therapist for the people at home that don't, what's great about BetterHelp is they match you with a clinical license therapist. And if you don't like who that therapist is, you could try a new one for free. - Nothing free in America. - I'm serious, you could just try a new one. You don't have to go into the office. It's all done online. It's just, it's a convenience. So like I said, if you're interested in therapy, BetterHelp's a great option because sometimes the barrier to entry is just, I don't know where to begin. Here's a great place. - This month don't wait to reach out. - Whether you're checking in on a friend or reaching out to a therapist yourself. - The home makes it easier to take that first step. - Our listeners get. - 10%! - Off their first month at BetterHelp.com/tyso. - That's better, H-E-L-P. - dot com slash tyso. - Football season is in full swing and underdog is the best place to get into the action. I'm Iris's dad and a huge sports fan. I love sports. Okay, well then I have a question for you. Johnny Menzel or Michael Vick. Who's a better QB? Well, if you go by QBR, I'd say none of the above. What does QBR mean? I don't know. Well, you don't have to know. That's what's so great about underdog. But before I get into all the benefits, I do want to say if you're somebody that likes playing this kind of stuff and you like to pick how many points somebody's going to go higher or lower than, that's great, but I want to make sure that I am saying do this with money that you feel comfortable doing this with. Set yourself up in a situation where you're like, hey, I'm going to play this game. And whatever happens, I'm comfortable with the outcome. If not, and you have some issues with this kind of stuff at the end of this and in the description, there's going to be a phone number of where you could go to get a little bit of help and some disclaimers and to understand maybe it's best that you stay away. Is that the app where you can go on and play pick 'em or champions? - Yup. - You simply select a minimum of two players from opposing teams. - Like Kirk Manrak and Dixon Terby. (laughing) - Just like Kirk Manrak and Dixon Terby. - Download the app today, sign up with promo code. - Hi, Phil. - To school a hundred dollars. - And bonus entry. - When you play for five dollars. Underdog, make picks, win money. - Well, 19 plus an Alabama in Nebraska. - 19 plus in color water for some games. - And 21 plus in Arizona, Massachusetts and Virginia. And present in a state where underdog fantasy operates. - Terms supply. - C-S-H-S-D-Underdog fantasy.com/webs such play. And get terms underscore DFS, underscore.html for details. Offered out ballot in Maryland, Michigan, New Jersey, New York, Ohio, Pennsylvania, conservative play. Go on another gambler or visit. - www.uncpdambler.org. - In New York, call the 24/7 Hopeline at. - 18778.OpeNY. - That's H-O-P-E-N-Y or text HopeNY467369. - This episode is sponsored by Helix Sleep. If you go to helixleap.com, you take their sleep quiz. It takes like a minute. Are you a back sleeper? Side. Same. I forced to sleep on my back and I never could and I'm doing it now. - No. Put pillows under your legs. It puts pressure off your lower back. - Right. - Teddy got one. - Teddy got one. - We got one here and in the guest room. and the guest room. People are loving their helix. Mark, if you want to try one at your place, you get 120-day money back guarantee. Go to helixleap.com/tyso for 20% off site wide. - 20% set site wide, that's helixleap.com/tyso. - helixleap.com/tyso for 20% off site wide. - What's the site wide? - helixleap.com/tyso for 20% off the site. - This is fucking thing, okay. - Do you edit these? - No. - You're gonna need two for this one. - You're gonna need a bigger boat. - Oh, that's a good idea. - You should get a bigger boat. - I thought boat that looks like it's a car. - Pick it up. - It's not. - Who is it? - It's a number that is pick it up. No, because it's a spam something and then you're basically opening the door to them. - Not if we tell them we don't want it. That would have been a great chance for the three of us to have a nice conversation with somebody. - I don't like answering those things. Like you ever get texts from numbers that are like, "Hey, I was just wondering if you and Stacy "wanted to meet up for corn dogs." - What? - And for the, like, you know I'm talking about, right? - Yeah, yeah. - And I used to get excited. - Oh, it must be somebody who, I'd number it, I didn't save. And then I would meet them somewhere for corn dogs and then they would steal my money and fuck me in the ass. - Wow. - So I always answer it now. I just don't bring a lot of money with me. - This camera's away from that camera. So they can't see each other. - Mm-hmm. - Shut up. (laughing) - I think that's about it. - Did you have any plans for this or just to see what happens? Did you have any questions or anything to talk about? - No. That's good. - I stopped doing that. - I have an idea. What if I-- - But you looked at me like, I'm in it with you. - Ben and I kind of thought of something before we got here. - What? - Okay. - Sometimes, I'll remember. - Sometimes, some crimes. - Well, if you're getting interrupt. Sometimes when I'm going into a party, as everyone there are their friends and I'm just there as a guest. And I-- - Everyone's there with your friends and your two friends. - Do you really think that you're, why don't you text me if you wanna hang out? - And if someone invites you to a party that means they're your friend. - If Lisa texted you and said, come hang out. If Lisa or if I text you said, come hang out. - It only happened once and I did it, remember? - Yeah. - You hang out with Lisa, where'd you guys go? - One time. - One time. - Well, we've hung out a couple of times, but only one time it was where she's like, hey, I'm having this birthday party. - Oh, so everyone here is looking. - Everyone here is wondering if, like, there's not gonna be enough guests. My friends are gonna be there and we need one more guest. - You did not. Did you? - Of course. - Was it a birthday party? - Yeah. - Did you go to your fun? - Yeah, you came when you had fun. - I went alone. - That's fine. - But you don't need a wingman. - I'm left alone. - You are the wings of an angel. ♪ Only wings of an angel ♪ ♪ The wings of an angel ♪ ♪ Fly by the sea ♪ ♪ Through here ♪ ♪ Like the ♪ - Please save to Tim and space. He's a very good young brother. - Isn't that guys brother a political prisoner? - I can't believe we both remembered it. - Hey, I have an idea. I don't think you'd do it because you're like me. We keep our personal lives pretty away. Do you want to call someone on the phone that you're interested in hanging out with? And Lisa and I could help you. - Oh, you mean like, like a- - Diversino Serrino? - Serrino Diversarac. - Yeah. Like George Morrison. - What a name. - Great name. - Is there somebody that you're falling over? No, you wouldn't talk about this. Why am I doing this? - Well, you shouldn't be. - I can admit that I have a little bit of a crush on somebody. - He does talk about this sometimes. - Not really. - I don't mention names. - No, and you don't mention. - So we can't call somebody. So this idea is bad. - But let's talk about that. - Once I had a little bit of a crush on somebody and you helped facilitate. - I tried to help. I tried my best. - There's no-- - So Joluja Dengong. - Wait, can you say her name and we'll bleep it out? (beep) - Okay. - Yeah, it was just like, oh, I think this girl's cute. And I like to meet her and we met and we talked for a little bit and then it stopped. There is a new person now that I'm like, oh, this could be a thing. I mean, I don't know if it could be a thing. I don't want it to be. - Why would you say that, Ricky? - 'Cause I'm, you're the queen of improv. You're the king of improv. I'm just a guy that has a podcast that has guests come over. - Can I give you a tip? - Oh, this is it. - Next time you see her, you know it's a fun, Florida thing to do. Go, tiki, tiki. - To what, to a part? - To her armpits. Have you ever thought about that? - Yeah, I just thought that I don't think girls like that. - No, no, tiki, tiki. - What if I take her to an Indian restaurant? - Yeah. - I'm just pretending that I'm ordering the chicken tiki tiki. - Or you're getting, you're at a tiki lounge somewhere like that. - So we're actually do that. Go to an Indian restaurant and then when you're ordering, 'cause say, well, the chicken tiki masala, tiki, tiki, tiki, tiki. - And then she goes, what are you doing? I'll just say, I just wanted to make sure he knew what I wanted. - Yeah, so then that way, if she doesn't like being tiki-tiki, you can pivot it like you were ordering chicken hot pot. - If she does like it, how do you think she would respond? - What do you really like Indian fooders? Is this just for the-- - I like chicken tiki tiki. - It's just for the-- - It's chicken tiki masala, right? We're all on the same page. - Yeah, but what you're doing is the tiki tiki. - Masala is wet. So what's the tiki part? The rub. - Tiki tiki? - I get that part, but let's see. - Maybe, I don't know. Chicken tiki, you can get dry without all the wet stuff. - Hey, just give her a cheeky tiki tiki in the middle of the restaurant. And if she likes it, you'll know because she'll laugh. - And by the way, you should say after that, you should say, the masala is too wet and I wanted this dry. - Yeah. - Right, and then she might go, if she likes it, she might go too late. - Do you have a, so I don't think I've ever, and I don't think Rick, nice to you, I don't think, I've never used like a pickup line in my entire life. - Not even a tiki tiki? - Well, pretty dry, I've done a lot of dries. But do you, have you used a pickup line and also a use of one of those? I don't even think of that. Have you had pickup lines used on you and have they ever worked? Is that a thing that, I feel like a thing of the past almost? - Well, I think you might have an antiquated-- - Don't get it. - I'm asking you a question to help your podcast. - Wait a minute, what pickup line is? Pick up line doesn't have to be, is that a mirror in your pocket? 'Cause I could see myself here. - Well, that's where I'm asking you. Has that ever happened to you? - Those are, somebody else's jokes. You have to write your own. - You have to write it because it's not the, it's not the person's kind of material? - Yes. - Well, that was the question. Has someone used one of those? - Somebody used something on me that I, it was like, not the mirror in your pocket thing, but it was, it was a modern day thing and I was with a friend. - Yeah, and I actually fell for it 'cause I didn't realize, he was like, this guy came up and he was like, hey, he was like Emily, right? And I was like, no, and he was like, oh, I'm so sorry. I thought that we met something something and then I was talking to him and then my friend was like, tugging on my sleeve and she was like, he's doing a thing, like. - What's his thing? What's the thing? - He's pretending that I'm Emily. - So she would then be curious where, how does she normally? - Well, then we would just start talking, I guess. - And did you start talking? - Yeah. - And that's the guy I murdered? - No, but this just happened like, like a year ago at a restaurant. - Does your guy know? - I was super afraid to tell him. I thought he'd punch a hole through the bathtub. (laughing) - So it does happen, have you ever done that? What does it feel like in today's date to date? - To date. - Well, that's the thing. Like I say, I have a crush on her. I'm interested. I don't even know if I'm, I don't know. Like, being interested doesn't mean, oh, I want this person to be my girlfriend. Being interested means like, oh, I want to see if like we hit it off. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - And you want to start a conversation so you can learn about each other. - Yeah, and more than that. Like, I would like to go on a date and not I want to go on a date. So this girl wants to kiss me. I want to go on a date so I could see like, oh, is this a person I want to go on more dates with? - You're an adult. - I think I've always been that way. - Good man. - Because you want to also like, you want to like. - I take her to a roller coaster park so the windbows are skirt up. - Ain't a bad idea. - My man. So are you underneath the roller coaster when it goes by and that's why the skirt goes up? - That's what she's saying, right? - Remember that roller coaster where a kid got his head off? - Lisa, could we stick to the positive? - Sorry, sorry. - I'll see you on a roller coaster, please. - Wait, but I don't understand how, because if you're sitting in the roller coaster, the skirt's not going up. - No, you go to a amusement park with a girl that you like. You say, I'll wait in line again while you go on. So when you get off. - I'll get off. - Well, wait, when would you see the skirt go up? - Because you stay in line, so let's say you and I are in line, right? - Can't wait. - Am I wearing a skirt? - Yes. - Okay. - Now you get on the roller coaster. - How long? - How long? - I'm the operator of the ride. - Okay, good. - Hey everybody, welcome to the ride. Sit on it and keep your eyes, ears and vehicles inside that. - We're gonna do a scene, we'll all do a scene. - I know, okay. You just go on. - How long is my skirt? I need to know, how long is my skirt? - Very short. - Encles? - Yes. - There's got to be a big wing bus. This is like Mario Kart shit. Encles, you think you can go all the way up? - Mm-hmm. - All right, let's see what happens. Okay, so Sadie M, sorry. - Well, welcome everyone to the big, top big, mummy returns ride on revenge. Please keep your eyes, ears and hands inside the vehicle. At all times, those armrests are gonna come down over. Just keep your fingers inside and wait for them to do the big click on the seatbelt. I'm gonna go wait and line again, so if the ride's really good, that we'll be closer to the front line. - If you see anybody here in the line wearing glasses in a purple shirt. - I really expect some time with you. We have a conversation. - This is a registered sex offender. Please keep your eye out. He has a mustache. - Oh, sure, you wanna? - This is open. - And a purple shirt that says feel good. - Sir, do you wanna keep your eyes out and if you see this pedophile wandering around the park, let us know. Enjoy the ride. - So good to see you. Oh my God. Oh yeah, no, I was on a date with a guy left. Oh my God, I'm so scared. I need someone, you're someone next to me. I'm gonna actually connect with you even more, because now, I feel scared. - I can't even hear you. We can't even hear it. - Scourge over your eyes. - Oh my God. - Oh, yeah. Yeah. - And then we land. - Yep. - Oh my God, this was amazing. - Lisa, go ahead. - Sir, you're under arrest. So what happened before when you guys were preparing for the big skirt thing is I was a lady operating the ride and I was giving a heads up for a sex offender who was wearing and I described your outfit. - So how old was I? - 72. - Okay, so that's an offense. - Yeah, it's, I didn't offend. - And I was an undercover agent to arrest you as well. - And I also was just there to look at your snatch. - Right. - So by the way. - And by the way. - Feel good. - When the video goes, "Let me do it, let me hear you." - This is from a musical artist who I like. Her name is Charlotte Carden. She's a fantastic musician. - Do you want her on the pod? - Very much. - Call her up. - Well, she's gonna come on the pod. She lives in Montreal. - Montreal. - Yeah, I don't know. - Montreal. - That's better. - So the idea is when she's here, if I'm here. - DM her. - Oh, but we've talked about it. - Yeah, thank you. - Well, we're here. - Dungeon Master. - Oh, you mean like to set me up with her? - Yeah, that's what she did. - Let us. - She's a married or, she's in a relationship. I'm not even. She's a married orphan. What does that have to do with it? Let us send a message from your phone to her. ♪ I think I'm gonna like it here ♪ Orphan Annie. So what had happened, you guys, is that. ♪ Maybe far away ♪ ♪ Rover ♪ ♪ Oh, why not think you'd over ♪ Wait, do you know that song? He's just guessing. ♪ Oh, maybe real close ♪ ♪ Nearby ♪ You can, you kind of can fake it. I think there's other sentences. No, that's my favorite from the whole thing. I know a different orphan song. ♪ Where is love ♪ ♪ Does he come from skies above ♪ ♪ Will you ever ♪ Oh, yeah. ♪ With a willow tree ♪ ♪ That I've been dreaming of ♪ I'm so grateful that I have this podcast that I could have who may ask where she may hide. ♪ Best I travel far and wide ♪ ♪ 'Til I am beside the someone who ♪ ♪ I can mean something to where is love ♪ I'm so impressed with both of those words. Can I tell you something? My mom is a Bronx music teacher for 50 years and she did Oliver so many times. But in the Bronx there's too many kids. Did your dad or is that before they met? No, this is, I was already born. I was over, they met. And so, she has to do it, but there's so many kids in the Bronx public school system that, you know, like, I was there and I was one of 50 Fagans on stage. Can't say that. Oh, it's the character name. Say how much sexual? It's the character name, is the character name. Can I say something? Yeah. Oh, she knew you'd be back soon. I don't know somehow. I'll miss you. Don't not forget this tune. Be back soon. The picture you'll have. That's it. Oh my god, no one is gonna watch us. I'm so sorry. (singing in foreign language) (singing in foreign language) You can go, but be back soon. You know, but while you're working, you don't forget this tune. Be back soon. My mom is gonna be so happy. My mom's gonna have to watch us now. Did she teach, you know? Go ahead. J-Loat? No, I don't think so. She did three different schools of the Bronx, but I was in the Riverdale and the North Bronx. So, oh my god. So, when I was a hair of somebody who was in Riverdale. Thanks, dude. I appreciate that. Oh, Archie Comics. It's a full-call back. We bet it. We bet it. We bet it. Um, but because I was her son, I was never allowed to have a role that was too big because it would look bad. Right. So, I never got to really do a big role or anything. You would have been a perfect artful dodger. And then you know you would, right? You have the playful swat of you. Don't see things. Please, I don't know. Yeah, you would. Ah. I mean, the way you said, I don't know and drank from that was very like, you're being coy because somebody's flirting with you. Oh, I don't know. Come on, Ben. Continue yourself. Lisa, come on. Continue yourself. Well, I continue myself. Part of the furniture. All right. I'm thinking of you. So strong. Here we go. It's clear. We're going to get along. And if the chance should be, we should see some other days. Empty all the days. Oh my gosh. And if it aren't to be somebody to foot the bill. We're not doing so wrong now. House. We're not doing so wrong. - This is unbelievable. - Can I tell you guys something? - By the way, if anybody has ever had ADHD, This will be their favorite podcast. But if anybody has like an attention span, this is the biggest mistake they've ever made. - Do you wanna try and clear it to both of these people after this? - So what happened? - So what happened was the woman talk. - So what had happened was he lost his hat on the super man ride. And then they wouldn't let him back in to get it. They said, "You have to wait till the park's closed." - That one? - This is their true story. And then so he was a true story. - Wait, is this not the person who died? I don't wanna know about it. - I don't wanna know about it. I don't think I'd wanna go into the roller coaster. You have seen Netflix and it says this, you know, "Are you sure you want to watch this?" And you don't know if it's going to be some tits and penis or if it's going to be like a murder. I don't even, even if it's an 80% chance it's tits and penis, I'm like, I don't need to see it. - That's why you never watched Entourage 'cause you were afraid someone was getting murdered and it wasn't just going to be tits and penis. - Tits and penis. - I have since watched Entourage. - And? - A lot of tits. - Oh yeah. (laughs) - Real laugh. - Every now and then we get a real laugh. - A lot of real laughs. - That's true. Anyway, so my mom, so that's, that's, so should be very happy that we just hit Oliver. So when I was really little, my cousin squeezed his penis in such a weird way that it turned black. Could you move over a little bit this way? I'm worried that you're out of frame. No, I'm weighing frame. That one. Oh, my man. Oh, this one? One I'm pointing to? No. This one? His? That one. Can you see at least my eyes aren't good enough. I can't see that. You know, I got Lysik and now my- Did you? And again, wait, stop. I'm not doing a bit. I'm scared of getting it. Did you get it too? I want to get it. But I'm just gonna wait. You always say I'm not doing a bit when you're being sincere, and did you learn that because people don't know when you're joking, or is that something that you're doing because you're afraid of those? No, because the two people that are here and every sentence we've said has been a bit. Yeah, you're right. Every sentence we've said has been a bit. But what's the, if you said, I'm actually thinking about getting lay sick. I don't believe you. No, no. You would have been like, lay sick, my dick or some shit like that. Yeah, lay sick, my dick. I understand. I hate that. that way. - Am I wrong? - I think you are, but you guys lay sick. - Yeah, I've been lay sick for two weeks. Maybe you did something like that. You wouldn't say the dick part. We'd say, look, lay sick, yeah. Or like, yeah, you used to have Jurassic Park on lay sick dick. - Lay sick, more like lace chips. - This is really good. - So, by the way, the only thing that we were doing a bit. - We were doing a bit like-- - No, I don't want it. I want to know if it really works. So I'm scared again. - It did work. We didn't go to Canada's Wonderland together. - No, we never, we never hung out. I'm not, this is not a bit. - Yes, I understand that you guys, you said you did something with dropout. You know what? I'm going to do something that where I might be the bad guy here, but I'm going to be the bad guy the way that people see Batman's the bad guy. I'd like to rain this in a second. Okay. You were talking about Lesick and your eyeballs are rotten now. Man, this is a huge shit. Look at this. Wow. This is really cute. Should I try it on? I'll try it. I'll try it. I'll try it. I'll try it. I'm Kevin Bacon's daughter and I take huge shit. Okay. Great. Should I have back? I want to hear it. Go. I want to hear it. I want to hear it. You got Lesick ten years ago. Yeah. And then, you know, my eyeballs are rotten again. They're bad. I have to get it again. But now I've also heard that it makes people's lives bad forever. Do you wear glasses now? Because you're- For driving. See, that's my fear. If I have to wear glasses, then what am I doing? I've been wearing contacts my whole life. My dad once got pulled over and he wasn't wearing his glasses. But the ID says corrective lenses. And my dad said, I have contacts. And the cops are, I don't care who you know, you need to be wearing your glasses. See, that's what I was afraid of. That's a good joke. Lesick cough cough. Yeah. That's a joke that my dad has told me. I'm convinced he heard it. I don't think you heard that. I feel like I love your dad. The video that you posted of your brother getting in trouble for not putting in the can of coke correctly. Or taking too many cans of coke. Cousin. Which I then- Yeah, we never. Jewish parents, which we had a great laugh at. That's why I feel like I'd like your dad. We never see the brother. Are you hiding the brother? We never see him. What do you mean? Like, where's the brother? He has a restaurant in Highland Park called Greyhound. I know, but what is he? Yeah. Should we go? Cut to the high end park. Cut does that mean three drinks. Cut so Rick drinking too much. Cut does coming back. Rick. You're like never drink. I know. I don't think I've ever seen you drink too much. Dude, your brother rules. Yeah, I did. It's skateboards faster than any skateboard I've ever seen. I couldn't even believe it. I thought there were rocket packs on it. It was just a normal skateboard. Yeah, and we were the way we were screaming his name. I can't believe we both kissed him at the same time. His name is Andrew. Is it Andrew, Michael? Michael. Rick and what would it be? Morty. Stephanie. Well, he's older so his name would come first. Matters. What do we think, honestly, if there's some two brothers and one's Richard, the other one's got to be David? Yeah, they're all pretty normal. Is it David? Richard. David. David. Aaron. Jacob. Aaron Glassman. A Glassman. What's his name? What's his name? Matt. Matthew's a biblical name. All names are biblical. Hey, if you look hard enough. Yeah. Not Lisa. Could be. Lisa's from the book of hell. Oh, hey, Lisa, do you think that you and Ben are going to do a Ben Schwartz and Friendshow? You asked once a long time ago. Yeah. You texted me with a, I didn't have your number. You found my number and texted me. That's what you really like to highlight. How much Lisa's a big stand here? That's true. I don't know. Oh. I remember you used to come into my shows all the time. You were this little flat-chested girl and look at you now. - You're like seven years old and you can't reach out. - Excuse me, mister, can I try improv? (laughing) Wow, I love the way that you did the jokes about Zipps App Zopp. - I think Lisa would be fantastic. What I do is I do Largo shows and try out new people at Largo shows. - Those are the auditions. - Not auditions, but it's fun to figure out how they work with the group of people and I would 100% have Lisa. - Well, why don't you come play with Dinosaur? And then we'll see if I want to do your show. - I find that it has to be the captain. - No, I do so much improv that if I have a night off, I usually won't do a different episode. - You don't want to do an improv show where you're not getting 90% of the ticket sales. (laughing) - Oh, Largo? - Tiki, Tiki. (laughing) - Hey, if you guys ever wanted me to give it a try, I would. - We can do like a sorry for your night where we get like someone on stage that doesn't really do it. - Like when I got to start on senior night in high school and that's cool. - That's exactly right. - Because you were sick and the whole school felt bad for you 'cause they thought it was gonna be your last game. - No, it was more so that I never really got to get in and they're like, oh, look at it. It's like if you were seeing the people with Down syndrome who get to go in and like the other team let's them shoot a layup. - I was on a basketball team and the coach said I wasn't allowed to play 'cause I was the shortest on the team. - Have you seen those videos? - I'm really tall now. - You know. - Five, eight. - Always a guest, never a bride. - What? - Punching yourself in the head? (laughing) - Yeah, I would take a sorry for you. I mentioned the telephone thing, I'm sorry. - I didn't, I didn't. - I'm gonna tell you that a whole story later. I can't wait. - Oh, you told me. - You said Lisa kept messaging and being like, please, please, I'm such a big fan of yours. Will you let me know? Come on, we'll show. - She only messages me once. - No, no, no. - I think I DM'd you. - No. - I don't have your number. I didn't have your number before her drop out. - My man. - What? - Hey, if you're not gonna talk about it now, don't talk right now because you know what I don't want. He's gonna get a message and be like, hey, will you take this out? - I'm gonna say no. - I'm cannabis, Zobicaz. Break out the keyboard. What are you doing? - It's over there. - Get it. - Can you, could you play this? Is that what we do? - You can play everything. - You can? I think it's a piano man, dude. Play a piano man. This is a fan of the opera. Sing us a song you're the piano man. - This is good, Rick. - Sing us a song tonight. - All left hands, I'll play. - When you're singing the melody for that part, and you're out in the mood for the melody. - Can I get a free? - You got us feeling all right. - Not to be playing in your keyboard. - Yeah, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't. - She said, son, can you play me a melody? - Memory, I'm not really sure how it goes, but it's sad and it's sweet, and I knew it complete. When I worry younger, man's close. ♪ Oh, a lot of need out ♪ Or you could say, ♪ Tee-tee-tee-tee-tee-tee-tee-tee-tee-tee-tee-tee-tee-tee ♪ - You know, I used to date Billy Joel's drummer's daughter. - Is that true? - Yeah. - Rick, if I run this over on club, it would have worked with you, if you plugged in. - And he's we plugged in, and he's we plugged into here. - Did you hear that Ben, he dated Billy Joel's drummer. - That's not true. - Billy Joel's drummer's daughter, BJDD. - Wow. - Oh, shit. - The long time ago, in this galaxy, pretty close. - Oh, what do you like? Star Wars Star Trek. - I don't have to pick between improv and stand up. - Okay, what do you like better? Star Wars or Star Trek? Oh, have a look at this. If it's on the TV, what would you more likely to watch? - It depends which Star Wars and which Star, if it's Chris, if it's Chris Pine, I'll watch it over any of the other things. - Wow, over. - So Chris Pine, JJ Abrams, Star Trek movies are, and let me tell you something, who is a freaking star, who is famous, but I don't think gets his flowers. And that's Chris Pine. I think he is so charming and funny and good, and that movie, the saving probably a Orion version of, but it was a girl and she's a superhero Wonder Woman. - Yep. - Chris Pine. - He was great in that. - He, what, he's, dude. And let me tell you something, it wasn't the first time I've seen Benedict Cumberbatch. Can I say that? - Do you guys hate it? - But when I became a fan of his, was when I saw him as, what was it, Con? - Smalg. - Con, I think. - Con, yay, he played the villain. - And Star Trek, he was amazing. Dude, and then I rewatched him. Think about how many people, JJ Abrams has put on movies and stuff that you haven't seen before, like, whoa. - Chris Pine in Star Trek, when he was the captain of the ship and he was like, we gotta shoot up that plan. It's not, that plan is coming closer to us than ever before. And then everyone on deck was like, that can't be the third Lothargic Defender. And then he was like, it's never seen the Star Trek's and she feels like, because of her friends love them, she wants to portray. - True, I've seen all of them. - Okay, Chris Pine plays who? You know, who's it? One, two, three. - Captain Gargosa. - So, Captain Gargosa's there. - He's Captain Kirk. - Zachary Quinto plays, one, two, three. - Jack Sparrow. - Jack Sparrow. (laughing) - It's the way you said Jack Sparrow. - Jack Sparrow. - Jack Sparrow. - Rewatch those movies a year ago, oh, by at least I watched the Rewatch. - The Pirates of the Caribbean? - Also, fantastic. - Do you like Disneyland? - Yeah, I would go right now. - I would go tomorrow. - If I wasn't leaving town just to get the corn dogs with you guys. - I'm going in, to every year I take Ben Schwartz and friends to Disneyland. - Do you get the VIP tour? - For them I do. It's my gift to them. - It's the only way he pays them. - That's why he doesn't want to do dinosaurs. - No, I pay them for every show. - And you know what I'm saying? - Ben puts them up in really nice hotels. - I really do, 'cause I gave them my contacts to get hotel rooms. - Guess what? The Cheesecake at Disney World makes your poo black. - That's not true. - Yes, it is. - I'm sorry. - It's your poo black. - That's not true. - Yes it is. - Which is already black. - My man. A my man. A my man. - My man, my man, my man. - I love the corn dogs at Disneyland so much that I'll go there and not eat until one to a clock, even if I get there at nine. And then have, I had seven corn dogs from there. - I was just going to ask how many CDs you pop in your room. How many do you do? - Seven. - In one sitting? - No, in the day. - I love turkey legs at Disney World so much that I'll go there and not eat. Who's that creative player? - Wait, what's your favorite ride? - One, two, three. - Soren. - That's the universe. - I love Soren. - I don't know if it's my favorite, but it is the one where I feel like. - I start the whole adventure at Soren. - I started in the main park. - Okay, so let's get it from here. - The Adventure Land is the secondary. What's the main one called? - The Dragon Disneyland and California Adventure? - Yeah, Disneyland is just Disneyland. - Yeah, I started Disneyland and then I go to California Adventure. - I started at Harry Potter World and then I go over to the incredible ride and then I do the mummy returns and then I go to the teaky teaky room. - That's Disneyland. - And then? - Indiana Jones. - Love Indiana Jones. - And the mummy are kind of the same riding. Those are maybe my favorite at both. - Snakes, why did it have to be Snakes again? - Is that Harry? - Yeah, that's when Harry meets the Basilisk. - Ooh, you know, I don't know much about Harry Potter. - No, we're talking about Harrison Ford. - Oh, sorry. - Harry Ford. - She's talking about Harrison Potter with the Basilisk. - Oh, it's Harrison Potter? - Harry. - Harry. - Harrison Potter and Harry Ford. - It's Harry Ford. - It's Harrison Potter. - Hey, you guys, what's this from? We have a very, very, very heavy rotation tonight. A very Harrison heavy rotation tonight. - Friday Night Lights. - It's that video where that news anchor is having a really bad migraine. That's why here's a big gibberish. - Wait, can we do random quotes from movies? Real random quotes from movies? - Okay. - So you can get them. - Okay. - I have one that I always do. I'm going to think of something else. Do you have one? - Yeah. - Yes, it comes with that little act out though. - Go. - You've poisoned it. - Phantom threat? - No. - Free part. - No. - We were just talking about-- - Give me more time. Give me more time. - I'm going to give you another quote from the same movie. - If it's Harry Potter, I've been seeing them. Or I don't know them. - Wait, no, go, go, go. - Should I give you another quote from the same movie? - Is it a mummy? - No. - Do it again, do it again. Or do another one. - Okay. - I'm just in client act. We asked you a request. - Is it Jim Carrey movie? - No. - That's P-A-R-R-T-Y, 'cause I got it. - Can you do one more from the same movie? - Here's another one from the same movie. - Is it the same movie? - Yeah, same movie. - Was it for the need and occasion to do it upon his daughter? - I don't think I've seen this before. - You have, I'll give you a really, I'll give you another one. - Have I seen it if I'd never seen Harry Potter? - I'll give you the one. - What is the room gone? - Oh, that's Harry Potter. - Oh, Harry Potter. - Harry Potter. - We're going to do the whole time. - The first one. - The first one, the cursed pearls. - I am not now nor have I ever been a Las Vegas showgirl. - Showgirls. - Chris Waltz Vegas. - Chris Waltz family vacation. - Not now. - So you give it a more time? - Do you say not now to me? - I don't have ever been a Las Vegas showgirl. - It sounds familiar. - I could give you another quote from the movie. - Yeah. - That woman, that woman. - That woman. - Ooh. - Clue? - No. - Fear and loving. - One more for the same. I can't, none of us can get it. - This one's a kind of good. We always say third one makes it out. - Third one's give it away. - This, the third one is. - That's the game rule of the game. Third one has to give it away. - No. The third one doesn't have to go away. The third one has to be like. Third one has to just be easier. - Yes, of course. - But it's not necessarily going to give it away. I have a couple that could give it away. - I want almost, okay. - Well, mine, mine was, where's the rum gum? It wasn't like. - But I'll see you perform it really well. - It wasn't like. - You also, but you said we were just talking about it. So it narrowed it down. - Okay. - Okay, go. - Have we seen this movie? - The greatest showman. - Singh? - American Idol. - Okay. I mean, I could give you one that will plot. - Do you think now that maybe we haven't seen it? - No. - Well, then give us the good one. - You done with G-O-D? Yeah, you know me. Who's done with G-O-D? - It's just like, eight mile. - There you go. It's just right to. I knew it. - Sister Mary. That's very fake. It's just very fraud. Wait, what's the song? What's the other song in that Lauren sings? Lauren sings. Well, I never, I never, I never, I never, I'll follow, I'll follow, I'll follow. You know it's a funny a lot of those a lot of out of the very religious songs that I know are from movie. Like the beginning of "White Man Can't Jump" when the Venice Beach Boy, have you ever seen that movie? - Yeah. - Venice Beach Boys. - Yeah, Venice Beach Boys. That's for their names, the Brit's the real name, 'cause I downloaded the song when I was in high school. It goes, it's like, just. ♪ A closer walk with thee ♪ ♪ Ba-dum-dum ♪ You remember that? ♪ Ba-dum-dum-dum, ready Jesus, if you please ♪ - I was thinking the same thing because the Bible is written, but it's very picture- - You're my best friend. - Hurst? - Oh, instead of hymns? - Yeah. - Nice. Thank you. Can I talk to you about something? ♪ But thou art strong, God ♪ - That I've noticed about Sister Act II, and that performance with Lauren Hill, that kind of irks me. But if you guys don't remember the movie well or don't care, I won't do it, 'cause it'll take two minutes. - Okay, tell us what orcs you, and it better not be Lord of the Rings. - Wait, what movie are you talking about? That's great. This is a mess, this podcast. Go tell me, but it's great, that's great. So in Sister Act II, I was singing my song. It's okay. Sister Act II, at the end. Nice, spoiler, no. - No. - But it's the end of the movie. So, she, against her mother's wishes, goes to the singing competition in Las Vegas, and is gonna perform. And the guy at the piano, before Joyful Joyful, he goes, ♪ Da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, ♪ And her first lines are, ♪ Joyful, joyful, Lord, we adore thee ♪ - Right? - Yeah. - Now, wait. - Sing it, Luis. - Right before, the piano starts, Lauren Hill's character sees her mom walk in and sit down, which kind of like scares her. Like, she's not supposed to be, though, so now she's nervous. She's in her head a little bit. Imagine, you're doing a Ben Schwartz in Friends, and JJ Abrams walks in, holding a sign, says, "If this shows great, I'm gonna make you Star Trek." - Star Trek? - I'm gonna make you Star Trek. - Okay. - Like the fastest one on the track, team? - He's gonna make him the Star Trek runner. - Okay. - Okay. - So. - He's gonna break your legs and put metal cannons inside that blast off, and use fart power to go faster than ever before. - Okay. I got it. Just explain it like that, and I'll get it quicker. So now the guy plays a piano, and Lauren Hill doesn't sing anything. - She's shy. - She's nervous. - She sure is. - So the piano player, again, goes, maybe she'll be here. - I'll give it a try. - Take a little note. - He's like, "Hello." - And she still isn't singing. The mom noticing what's going on. It's tense, because it's not just about her and her mom. It's also the competition for the entire choir that they're there for. - Of course. ♪ Da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da I see the wires on iron man on iron man and I'm out wow By the way, I think the most powerful song in that one is so happy day, right? It's gotta be a happy day Yes from the guy from city high When Jesus And he started the same way Yeah, he was nervous Wait, am I good? Oh my god everyone's watching when Jesus And then he just goes it ♪ La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, It was like praise and worship with the little guy from-- - We very, we Jews that are very religious. - Whenever that movie was on, and I was at home, and it was on a lot, as it should be. - He had to call me down if that part is on. - It's the best part. - I get goosebumps, because it's on Instagram sometimes. - What do you think the movie guys have seen the most is? Because it's on TV the most. It doesn't have to be your favorite movie. - I know, I could, how I could have answered this when I was 20, drum line. You think you've seen that more than any other movie? - When I was 20, I watched it a whole bunch. - Nick Cannon. - Yeah. - Mr. Mariah Carey. - I don't have movies on TV because-- - I've seen Warrior a lot. - DVDs. - Okay, so it's a DVD, watch most. - Clueless? - Yeah, it's a great one. - I've seen that a lot. - That's a great one. Yeah. You know what, it's been a long time since I've seen it, and I'd like to see it, I would like to, like-- - Drum line? - I hope not too sporadically moving forward. - Yeah, exactly. - Which one, drum line? - Clueless. - Clueless, it's great. - Or as we should say, Ben. - That's funny. What's my backwards? Done. - Brickdom, it's a trap. - It's a trap. - A meme, that's such a good meme. - Right, but it's from a movie. - It's a trap. - Is that the movie that you're, watch the movie that, like, give us a quote now, then in the-- - Oh yeah, you have a more easy. - Yes, start on level hard. So first one, if you get to the 10 points-- - Okay, I'll do level hard. This one I've done before, are you ready? You'll never get it from this one. - Crazy drum drivers. - I got it, back to the future. - It's correct. Did I do it before or do you or no? - No, I just know the movie well. It's amazing. Do you think that's amazing? - It takes out his face. - He says direct two backwards. - Oh, sorry. - I had to go-- - Okay, do the second one, and I'll see if I can get it. - It's, he said it. - Do the second one. - Um. - 88 miles per hour. - Side fell auditioning for, back to the future. Now it's interesting that you said do the second one. - What the hell with the law, are you? - You said do the second one. What you, if you said do the second one, from me to your bit, near your bit, near your bit. Oh, I don't want to make this a blanket of statement, but I was gonna say, me, me, me for a pork. - Me, me, me for a pork. - Is that Matthew McConaughey doing porky-pig? - No, that's Michael Jackson, I think. - Do you think porky-pig is the original Matthew McConaughey? - No. - That's all folks, then he goes, uh. - All right, all right folks. (laughing) - Texas, pork, barbecue? - Hey, to the audience, I apologize, but also we're having fun. - Yeah, and remember when Matthew McConaughey was like, "Ah, ta-da, ta-da, ta-da, a pussy can." - Puddy, puddy. - Sorry. - Puddy-tang. - No, remember Puddy-tang? - Yeah. - Kind of. On the depotown. So you tell me? - I'm hungry too, you guys should we go for lunch? - I would love that. Should we take it on the road? - I have, you're for first time ever, you have a handheld. ♪ Take it on the road, baby ♪ ♪ Take it into those dreams ♪ ♪ That's the way we want it, baby ♪ ♪ And I don't want you around ♪ ♪ Bound, bound, bound ♪ - Do you hear how I've been doing twang more? And it sounds good. - Give me a space. - Give me a space. ♪ You around ♪ - I did know something, I'm not loving it. - I'll stop doing it. - Okay. - So I guess I could be on Ben Friends and Schwartz. God, come on man, it's not Ben Friends. - Big Ben Friends. - Why? - It's not called Big Ben. - Why is it not called Ben Friends and Schwartz? - It's just my name, Ben Schwartz and Friends. - You know why are my twang? - Yeah. - Now I say, now I need to have myself or hers. - A hers? - You want her to say, may the Schwartz be with you to you? - Yes, can I tell you something? I've one time wrote a letter to Mel Brooks and he wrote me back and he ended it with me the Schwartz be with you. - He did? - He did. - And I have it framed him or her in my hers. - Can I try my twang now? - Yeah, I'm kidding, but I'm not, you're not, that's my name. - I'm gonna say, I'm not your funny voice that you're having sex. - This is gonna be called, this is called, Lisa's 10 Accents. I want you to really commit to all of them, ready? 'Cause you are good at this. I know you're good at this. - I'm actually really good at this. - Me and Rick are gonna go back and forth with naming the accent and you have to do it. - What? - Wait, you're gonna-- - He doesn't like that game. - This hand? - Do you not know I was there? - Okay, ready? - Maybe. - Start the clock. - Move this way. - Well, your dog wanted love. - Okay, ready? Start the clock. Now, Irish. - It's up to the morning, Ontario. Where are you going now, down to Guarani? - We've got it. - We've got it. - We've got it. - There's no, no people, they're in that swim. - A time. - A time. - Don't worry about darchie, you know, with the family, get to gay, that's a baradiner. - Don't be weird. - There's no weird. - Oh, happy day, that's you. - Yeah, that's true. - Black. You can do the same thing. - Ooh. - Yeah, take your time. - I actually had a really good one. - Black? - Yeah, almost gonna be, um, Emily, don't do that again, that's dangerous. - From finding her. - So that's actually the black cat from Hocus Pocus. - Oh, that was really good. One or two, what's his name again? - Salem. - Binks? - Binks. - Bob from Bob's Burgers. - If he wears black. - I don't think we have to keep doing the black thing. - You know, Bob backwards is, right? - Bob. - Bob Balban. - Beer. - Albert Bell. - The according to my research. - Albert Poolehoes. Albert Brooks first. - And that's the history of the world. - Albert Michaels. - Lauren Michaels. - Al. - Oh. - Get out. - The other Ally and Stein. - E equals MC square. Why did you do that when I said Jewish? - That was German. - Weird out. Uh, my mother's here in a king guy. ♪ Maybe Vader someday later now he's just a small fry. ♪ ♪ I'm gonna love and kiss his mother goodbye ♪ ♪ Singing this will be the day that I die. ♪ ♪ This is gonna be a dry old time. ♪ - What's your favorite word also? - The battle droids were broken. Maybe probably that one. - Who's calling you? - Who's calling you? - No one, but I remember when I said that I wanted to do something in no one respected me. - I remember that, I remember that, and I'm sorry that that happened, but I probably didn't even notice. - No, I respect you. - No, I respect you. - I feel like I've always-- - Okay, what I'm doing is I'm opening a random word generator. And when I generate the word, everybody has to tell a story from their life that's inspired by the word. - I love it, let's go. - It sounds like doing a monologue at an improv show. - Which by the way, I used to do monologues for Ask It Ever Now and then, and it always, I found that harder than actually ever been. - Okay, but here's the thing though, because you're a stand-up medium. - I love all of everything that's with those improv shows. I wanted to do them, I used to do that before stand-up. - I don't know when I think that. - You told me you wanted to play. - I miss it. Andy Daly is so funny. - Andy Daly is a very funny improviser. - Whoa, he's gonna come on my pod now. - He is, he had, okay, so he had a CD called, I think, something sweaters, 30 sweaters, where he played like 15 guys or 15 sweaters, and each character had a different sweater. It was like back when I started doing improv. It was like-- - 'Cause that way you kept going to his shows and you were like, you were flat-chested at the time. - Yeah, I really wanted to go. - I really wanted to be in shows with you. - But it was so funny. Same way they've ever heard John Benjamin's jazz CD. It is, he said that, I think the title is like, I should have learned how to play jazz or jazz daredevil or some of that. And it's he hired a full band and to play jazz music, and he was the lead piano, but he doesn't know to play piano. - Great. - It's so funny. And it's just a bit. Anyway, sorry. - My internet doesn't work enough to do random word generator. - Okay, let's just think of a random word, Halloween. - No, because-- - What do I do? How do I get to the random word generator? Random word generator.com? - random word generator. Generator. And Rick, I think Ben and I like to hold you accountable to if we feel you slipping into pre-curated content that we should be in the back of the head. - Can we shoot you in the back of the head? - No, but you could call it out. I might not know that I was doing it. But here's the interesting thing. I do a podcast every week. I've said every order of words that I could possibly say already. - Oh, you think so? - Okay. - Like how a monkey writes Shakespeare? - I guess you could say that because today is Thursday. Sorry, that's something I said a whole bunch of times already. You know what I'm saying? Like I've said everything already. - But do you think you've said everything already? - Name something I haven't said. - Okay, what do you think about the Loch Ness Monster kissing Albert Einstein? - Well, I don't know if we can even put this on the podcast, but the person who does the voice of the Loch Ness Monster has kissed both of us. - The (beep) - Go to Loch Ness and you take a (beep) on the (beep) and you listen to the voice of the person. - I know you say everything. - We'll bleep some stuff. (laughing) Also, what are you not, you know? But I can't wait to talk to you about that more. (laughing) - Yeah, we both made out with the Loch Ness Monster. We could say that. - Nope, nope. - I'm saying it. - Welcome to the website. If you're here, you're likely looking to find random words. Do you think somebody wrote that or did this generate it? - Maybe. - Okay, the first word, pain. - Oh. - God, I got dark in a hurry. - Well, can I tell you something about Lasik? 'Cause when I got it, they put the numbing drops in my eye, but on my right eye, I just blinked it out right away and I didn't go in and then so I felt everything. - Why did she stop them? - Well, it was afterwards. It was after the surgery, but they sent you home. - Oh, this is my nightmare. - Yeah. - It was bad. - I'll do a new word. - No, no, no, not that word, that happening. I had that with my tooth, I got a crown put in, and they tried to num it, and that nice-- - King alert. - King me, and they tried to num it, and they didn't, and it was so painful for the whole thing, and I kept saying it really is painful, and then she's like, well, should we just finish it or-- - Let's just finish it. - Let's finish it. - It was so painful, and I still feel pain in that tooth. - Speaking of Star Wars, if it's like a whole menace, - Phantom pain. - Well, what's your pain, man? - Well, actually, it's funny that this is the trick of improv stuff. You could use the word or if somebody says something, you know, you're talking about getting into the dentist, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. I once had a toothache, and it was either after hours or a weekend, I don't remember, but my friend's dad is a dentist, and I called him and I asked if he could help with it, and I drove to, he said, yes, let's pick me up and take me to my office. I put him into his house, I picked him up, I drove him to the office where he went in, and he took a wisdom tooth out, but he didn't numb me or put me to sleep or whatever, 'cause I was driving. So he just gave a little bit of numbing for it, and it was easy, and I went in, he pulled the tooth out and I drove him home. - Oh, so you're saying that I'm a weakling? Talking about the office, is that me? - Wait, they office. Didn't we talk about that earlier? Interesting. You must have a really good-- - Memory. - Zoom in on me. - Oh, just his fur good zoom. - When you take pictures, do you ever try to laugh? So I don't like to show my teeth. - It's authentic. - Why not? - The dentist works so hard poking and prodding at them. - I think when I was young, I had braces for so long, I know. - I had 'em too. - Yeah, so I feel like when I was a kid, so anytime I see myself with my teeth, I'm like, yeah, I don't know what it is, but maybe I'd-- - I see your smile with your teeth. - Ready? That's foreign sage. I've done this because I wanted to see the audience. Ready? This is normal to pretend you're taking a picture. - Or take a picture. - Why don't we just-- - Oh, he's gonna do it. - I rather you do it. - Sure. - Ready? - Nope. - Here. - Okay. - You wanna pick your papa? - Thank you sweetheart. - That's normally how you smile. - Yeah, I've seen you do that. Now let me say it with teeth. Alvin's show teeth too. Alvin, you're my best friend, show teeth. - I don't like it, right? Let me see. - It's just as good as the clothes mouth line. - No, it's not. - Yes it is. - So, what happens to you when you're really, really joyful and you're wanting to show teeth that you're trying to stop me? - No way. - No, I don't stop it from happening, but you know how we have to take pictures all the time? I don't think you'll, you'll very rarely see when my teeth open when I'm like out of the thing that I have to take pictures at. - Can I tell you a little trick about taking pictures that I have, I don't always practice, but I usually do and I love it. - Show us. - It's not about taking the picture. It's about once the picture's taken. - Oh, okay. - I don't look at it. - Ever. - I do, I do, ever. I don't look at it right away. - Just take a picture and it's fine. - Oh, I don't look at it either. - Okay, I want to tell you what the reason why logically makes sense for me. - Okay. - I think when you look at a picture right after you take it, you're looking to see if you look good in it. - Yeah. - But if you look back at a picture, you're looking to remember the memory. It doesn't matter how good you look. It's just, oh, that was fun. Which another reason why I don't love poses. I'm okay with smiles because, I don't know, I just am. But like, oh, let's, you know, like, oh, just take the picture. We don't all have to be looked. That would be a great picture. Oh, that's a picture of us talking. - Any time someone takes a picture of me, they go, do you want to see it? I said, no, it doesn't matter. Whatever it is, it's great. - 'Cause they put your teeth are showing, they're kind of weird. - I'll be like, you know what, that was that moment. - But what if it's an important moment? Like, you're standing with Wayne Gretzky, who you saw at the mall, and he was coming out of lids, and you were coming out of Shinnabon, and you ran into each other. Can you get a good fit? - You got your balls, I'm not showing my teeth in that one. - It's like, you bet your teeth, I'm not showing my balls. 'Cause I want a picture with Wayne Gretzky, I'm just gonna go, thanks for taking it, pocket my phone. - If you were with Wayne Gretzky, it makes sense. - I'm gonna say, let's try again, I want it to be good for both of us. - If you only had him for one second, you wouldn't be like, "Wait, give me one second, let's take this one." - But that's the thing, I'm never gonna see him again. So I might as well make him stick around and get it right. - Speaking of the office, you miss all the shots you don't take, Wayne Gretzky, Michael Scott, remember? - Yeah. - You miss 100% of the shots you don't take. - Well, Michael Scott forgot how it was said. - Hmm. - Do you guys think sports are important to forming your personality when you're a kid? - I think so. - Whoa. - I didn't hear you, say it again. - Do you guys think sports are important to forming your personality? - I think so. - By the way, I did my scene, this is real. So this isn't a bit, not a bit. I did my senior thesis on sports as a microcosm of society. And I went to Ireland and I interviewed 50 athletes from Ireland and I came to America. - Let's swipe to a clip a bit. - Top of the mind and tell you a basketball. - Let's swim back. - Now, why did you go to Ireland? Because it was a term, so I was an anthropology and psychology major. So those are my majors. So for anthropology, I do. - Anthropology, I love, 'cause they make the best job. - Do you say anthropology or anthropology? - Anthropology. It's a good callback. You can sweep. So, but that's what it did. And the whole idea of what sports in that culture teaches you about that country versus ours. - So, but it says a microcosm of. - More serious things. And if you went downstairs in the basement and got a soda, what was the fucking rule? - Okay, what the fuck do you, and he doesn't fuck. - Are we planish? - No, I think it's a microcosm of more serious things. But, you know, you know, I'm fucking tired, right? - Microcosm of culture of the country. - Yeah, showing like, so the studying sport, what does that tell us about the whole, so the studying sport, what does that tell us about Ireland? - Can I guess? - Yeah, sure. - So, it's like, some girls are basketballs and some girls are hoops. - Yeah, don't they only play golf over the areas that the only sport? - No, that they were struggling. - That's calling some Gaelic football. - Well, it doesn't matter. - Sorry, you just said, don't they just do? - I'm just saying, I don't think you have to bring sexuality into the sport. I think-- - I said Gaelic football. - The trans thing is a real issue that I don't have a strong point of you on. It's not for me to discuss. - And what about-- - And Gaelic football's a type of sport. - What about street-looking football? - That's what we're saying. - Well, I'm not saying street-licking football, street-lickers. - Street-lickers. - What the hell is-- - You're saying street-licker? - Go long, street-licker. - No, we would say that. - Hoson Foster. - Rosen Gardner. - Hurling was the other one. - Hurling? - Hurling. - Oh, you saw your biceps get big? - I think Daniel Stern directed that movie, by the way. - Daniel Stern in that movie has a joke that's, that there are some things that I've seen that was the first time I've seen that structure of a joke. it like I get leveled me up. - Well, which one? - Where he and-- - Let's buy some ball? - What's that? - Let's buy some ball? - No. Where he and Hosen Foster were at like some premiere or something, maybe it was after the Coca-Cola commercial whatever it was. They were dressed up and it was a fancy place. And they're walking up and there's two beautiful women. And Daniel Stern's character goes with the kid. He goes, "Excuse me, ladies." And they're both like, "Oh yeah, yeah, yeah." We're like, "We're gonna fuck Daniel Stern "in this little boy or whatever." That's, I mean, it's a weird point of view. But then he goes, "Excuse me, ladies." And they're into it. And he goes, "Excuse me." So they can move because there's a pinball machine behind them. And it was just like, "Whoa!" And the reason that joke worked so well wasn't just the line. It was because when he delivered it, he didn't say, "Excuse me, ladies." Like, he delivered it as if he was picking them up. - That's something you would do. - And that's a very important way to left turn of you're actually lying with your intention at first to deliver the joke. Do you know what I'm saying? - Yes, of course. - And just think, and that's like, that's okay to do. - Do you have a pickup line that you use? - I don't have. - We talked about this, but we never got to it. 'Cause of course-- - Well, you said that you don't really, it's not a pickup line, but you'll say something to start a conversation. Which to me is what a pickup line is. Unless you just go over, like, I don't think, oh, the Simpsons, I love the Simpsons. - Who started? - To start a conversation. To start a conversation, I don't think that's, I mean, I guess you could call that a pickup line, but I don't think that's a pickup line. - Excuse me, ladies. Who stinks dink it up over here? - That's fine. - Hi, I'm Rick. And I am looking for my wife. She's funny, but I'm like, God, is someone here farting? It smells terrible. Rick, how are you? - That's great. - I love to date you. - Yes, I will do things like that. - You will do that. Close your legs. - You can take smoothie like me. - No, no, I don't make it sexual like that. I think it's important that when you make a joke, and this is something I learned as I got older, I think it's important I make a joke. If I'm happy taking a risk, I think of it as, I'm fine gambling with my money, but I don't want to gamble with somebody else's. - Okay. - So if my joke doesn't make sense, or they don't know I'm joking, or they don't think it's funny, I want to make sure that it doesn't make the person uncomfortable. I'm not fail safe with this, but that is the intention going in. So close your legs, could be a funny thing too much, too soon. - Yes. - You don't want to hurt anybody's feelings. - I don't want anybody to feel unsafe. You could think I'm not funny, I don't want you to feel unsafe. That's good. - How about this one? Can someone help me up? I can't walk. - No, I think that's bad. I think that's, I don't like that. - But it might be like a fun way to like physically fart or something, 'cause then they'll help you. - Is there a way to do that without-- - Is there a way to do that without-- - It's like, just kidding, I'm actually faster at walking than any man you've ever had sex with. - Oh, wow. Yeah, I don't know, that just feels really like, like, pick me. - Oh, well, it's like pick me up, I don't like-- - Well, I like your blouse, it would look really good on the floor. - No, it might finish. - In my toilet-- - In my toilet. - Oh, you finish. No, let me finish. Nice blouse, it looked really good at the store that you got it from. Do you want me to take you to that store? Maybe we can get some more clothes. - Nice blouse, it would look really good at the store you got it from. Why don't you return it because it actually doesn't look that good on you at the end of the day? - Yeah, nagging. - Negging. - Yeah, a little bit. Nice pants, I bet I can fit into 'em better. My favorite of all of 'em, and I don't like it. - Nice pants, I can't walk, but if I could-- - No, no, at least we're not gonna do that one, we're not gonna pretend and victimize and-- - Oh yeah, I love that kind of stuff. - So shoes are amazing, I can't believe your talents can fit in them. - Oh, that's good. - I like that. - How come your face looks like a pig's face? - Oh, that's really good, nagging again. - Okay, your face is gorgeous. Sorry, I didn't mean gorgeous. It's a pig's face, the same thing. - Oh, but funnier. - Your face looks like a gorgeous pig I fucked once. (laughing) - That's really good. Yeah, your mouth looks like a pig I fucked once. - That's the thing where the mouth looks like the asshole of a pig I fucked once. So if we said that to a woman, and she didn't fall in love with us immediately, excuse me, man. - I know. - Your mouth looks like the asshole of a pig I once fucked. - That works only, it might work if you say, excuse me, do you mind if I try a pickup line? - No, no, no. - And she understands the game that's being hacked. - And then you said, I actually-- - It looks like a gorgeous pig I once fucked. - You said, you mind if I try a pickup line? I mean, a pickup line, 'cause you look like a pig. - If she says yes for us, that's really good. - You fucking haul. - Do you mind if I start, you try a pickup line? Yes, excuse me, I meant to pick a line. - Because you need consent. - That's good. Can I get your drink? All right, you can't walk. - No, what are you guys up with with that stuff? - Can I get you a drink? Oh, they don't have troughs here for you to slurp it out of you big pig. - That's good. What if you slapped her on the face? - I'm so sorry, I thought you were a pig. - Why would you slap a pig in the face? Why would you slap a pig in the face? - Have you ever slapped a pig in the face? - No. - So shut the fuck up. - Yeah, literally. - I, maybe I'm missing something. Sometimes I'll walk up to a girl and I'll say, excuse me, miss, and she'll say, what? Like, if she goes, yes, it's different. - Oh, man. - When she goes tough. - She goes, what? - And I go, oh, I wasn't, I wasn't meaning to upset you. I could, do you want me to leave you alone? Then she'll normally go, I'm sorry, I'm having a bad day. I was just cheated on by my husband. - I look bald when. - Jesus, that's very specific. - Wait, so do you really do that? Like if a girl gets even minor attitude with you, you start like cow-towing and whimpering and shivering like a woman. - Yeah, they're telling, that's a great word. I don't think of everything. - If a girl says, if I'll say, excuse me, miss, and she goes, what the fuck do you want? - Oh shit. - Nobody's ever done that. - Yeah, and I'll-- - I actually was with him once. We were at a biker bar and there was a big lady wearing a leather jacket. She was playing in ball. And Rick stood up on the subway to us. - She was stronger than us. - Six foot eight. - Do you think she could beat up the Jess Madzookas and Rob Hubel? - I could, she could. - Okay, keep going. - He tapped her on the shoulder and she was pissed 'cause she was in the middle of level three of the Wizard's Lightning pinball. - Oh my God. - And? - It was, mind you, when I tapped on the shoulder, she had another ball, she, it wasn't in mid place. She hadn't pulled the ball, it was fine. It was on pause, basically, pinball pause. - Can I tell you a real, and you tell me if this makes sense? I think this, I think this would, Israel, don't bring this into it right now. Sorry, no, so much stuff happening. - We did it, yeah, sorry. - I think this would work. Like, tell me if this would work for real, okay? Ready? I'll do it too, so it's not. - Is this a bit? - No, I think this is real. - He thinks it's real, but let's try. And Rick, do your very best to be as-- - Be a girl and really take it and tell me what you think. - How do you, without being a boy? - Be a girl and take it. - No, just be yourself, be yourself. Be yourself, be yourself, be yourself. - You're so hot, Ben. Miss, can I talk to you? - Excuse me? - Sorry, I'll do it in your language. - Where are you? Oh, that's good, that's good. That's good. - Do you like that? - Yeah. - See? And here's the truth. You do something like that and somebody laughs at it. You know sooner. Oh, this is somebody that we could play with. - I wanna say, and this is something, as you are on your journey for relationship and I think the biggest thing is that the person understands what's funny. It doesn't have to be that your person is the funniest person. Well, that's also so fun. But if-- - Well, without a doubt. - If the person understands what's funny, it will be the most fun. - Now, to be fair to the person who, whether we believe they understand or not understand, they might understand it's funny. Once they get to know you a little bit, I don't think it's fair to assume that somebody who doesn't laugh right away at that silly thing. - All right, I got a big swing. - Yeah, like, because I understand that like, for somebody to really appreciate the things that they would appreciate in their everyday life, they would, they need to feel safe in order to be able to appreciate those things. So if you go up and you make a big joke like that, they might think that's funny. If they were even talking to you for 15 minutes first. - Yeah. - But you make a big swing like that. Well, I want them to get, if they don't get me. - I agree, nobody should ever do that. - So I do think it's important that like, you will, there is like a, you know, you see, I don't start saying what movie is this on that woman, that woman if I want the person to know what movie is. - Yeah, yeah. - What movie was it? - It's just direct too, back in the habit. - Now listen, if also of a woman that is like very peculiar place in her life, like, imagine, I know this isn't that realistic, but like, imagine you used to be a pig and then Satan turned you into a woman on a condition of something you had done for the hellish empire. - Is it kind of like a little mermaid, but backwards? - Yes. So then you're a woman, you're only a woman for three weeks. And you say, do the pickup line on me? - Oh, I'm sorry. Excuse me, Miss, how did you say it? - Sorry, I'll say it in your language. - Love. - How did you know? - You get married right away, that's the thing. And unfortunately, three weeks later, you turned back into a pig, which is basically like women aging. - And not into that. - And then he's not gonna like her. - But then also she'd figure out pretty quick that you were just joking about speaking to him. - So she'd feel stupid. - She doesn't know that, she doesn't know that yet though. How does she find that out? - Immediately when he responded, he wasn't saying the correct response. - Yeah, I wasn't saying like, I wouldn't say it first. - But what did he say at first? - Kind of gibberish, but I thought he was identifying that I used to be a pig, so then I was finding it. - But if he's saying gibberish before and after, how do you notice a difference? - Because no one ever talked to me. - No one ever talked to her like that. - But he talked to you in pig and gibberish. What made you think he wasn't just making fun of? - It shows that I'm trying. - Yeah. - But why are you not trying when you gibberish back? I just, I understand. - Because she finds out I'm not real. - And the question that I ask. - If you're okay with a gibberish now, why wouldn't you be okay with a gibberish five seconds later? - You're being insane. - Yeah, you're being insane. - Because she's-- - I guess that's all folks. - I think this is the best episode we've ever had, three of us together. - Has it been two, three hours? - What time is it? - It's 214. - This is so cute, who is that? - Oh, it's a little bird. - Is it yours? - It's named Beechee. - Is it your bird? - No, I wish it was. I like. - That's foul. - I'm murder most. - What time do we get here? 12.30? - A little later. - Well, how long are these usually? - Three hours? - 90 minutes to two and a half hours. - We'll probably have to cut a bunch of this. - Yeah, can you cut all of it? - Oh, that's-- - No. - Can you cut all of it, except for the Seinfeld part where the monopoly board? - Womanopoly. Say something quick. - Oh, I wasn't listening. - Open up for music social? Do you know that song? - Two, three, four. - Baby, you-- - Oh, I forgot to show you my twang words my best. - Oh, oh, your twang. - It's weird that you chose your worst. - Under promise over deliver? Go. - Okay. - Baby lock them doors. - I've heard this so many times. - Baby lock. them doors and turn the baby lock them doors and turn the lock baby finish the line at least it's gonna my music brain is gonna block them doors and turn the lights down low get the music on the soft and slow baby we got no play I hope you understand I've been thinking about you all day long never felt a feeling quite strong girl you know how much it turns me on too nice just me your male said juvenile now now's my turn thanks for having me to your house you never fed me I'm a little mouse I want a cracker with a side of grouse and take me out on the time here I go I'm saying now won't you take me out to a fancy show that's my son let me see just what I need to know we're both moving in I'm back in bedroom and I'll show you the way and then you find out that I am not rhyming the third with the second thing Rick you never still told your story about pain because I talked about my time you just weren't listening what was it then dentist office oh shit you know what actually we have another 14 minutes until it's tooth herty a dentist favorite time favorite five when they get off that feels same huh interesting random word incentive which is the only word that has a currency within the end of a word do you know that he can do Rubik's cubes yes have you seen him do it yes no have you ever seen him beat Final Fantasy 7 no American title don't what he was going to say it's not the right title for America is it is maybe turn the little ads off let me see them two four five six are the ones that were different in America I don't know hope I'm partial expect and avenger the Sith have you guys ever seen me play Sims I thought that's what you're going to say do you play video games commercial what's that that's that's that's uh oh that's sims put a triangle over her head it'll be more like a yeah diamond yeah yeah but I don't want to get YouTube to flag it diamonds of her or you would say gay football day like football is what I said yeah it's a different sport you know hurling the fastest land sport in the world that's in Ireland I got an audition for a movie to play a hurler nope curler what's this one curl curling yeah and the guy they want me to play is soft dick and what's soft dick isn't your dick always soft heavy and um say it again I have a comeback is it your dick always off no just drawn you guys what's all drawn you guys I bet I can get you hard prove it okay ready baby terminal laughs I'll get them digs all big you know it's a real sign of like masculinity to have a big dick but there's a lot of strong guys with little dicks you know how much you lose my touch anything well touch your dirty ass oh wow really get that yellow in there my ball oh you're like one of those kids across street never stops running around yeah actually you guys just lost this okay oh really we're doing it around all afternoon you just lost it and it can show me that you can behave yourself for the rest of the afternoon maybe you'll get it back you're giving an easy clues can I have it if you can show me that you're going to be responsible with it then yes absolutely I'll give it back okay I'll be responsible with it put it up your butt put it up her butt put up your butt Rick what's wrong with you man what's wrong with you man for what's up with this butt stuff there's been so much put things up your butt things I mean it's fine just tell me if you want it it's a face oh speaking of putting things up their butt sometimes I put album on my butt no you know oh my gosh I love wanting so many little things I said can you bear us to a friend the other day and she thought I was saying like can you bear it it's funny can you bear it like can you bear us like we're being so silly like can you bear us that's funny yeah so what do you think you guys are friends now yeah but everything we're we're friends are early I thought you guys only met a dropout and you didn't really hang out yeah but we were friends yeah we were friends you can already tell even when we hung out for tiny bit after a show friend like you know and you can tell you were friends with someone in a different lifetime yeah like you both used to be farmers in the 17th century you guys are friends I felt a friendship to you within a minute of meeting you at Whitney's yeah I agree and me oh I didn't even know that you wanted to be friends with me until years after we met what about when we did our first podcast that's after the first podcast after like after the first podcast not even during it I felt like you wanted to maybe be friends with me okay you even said it to me you did yeah because I I had a clip probably and I and I and I sent it to you and you said something like I don't remember what it was or something like do you want to be friends do you think we're friends my friend no it was a text oh I remember I was at a hotel somewhere I don't remember where all right and you thought it was a bit but then one time you were in a plane behind me remember that a plane behind you playing was telling me with him but I was sitting behind him it's so funny how he's like you're definitely behind me and I was in the big comfy one and you were back in the toilet is that true that's so shorts and let me guess the rest of your improvisers were clinging in cargo they were clinging because it's a fucking guy yeah remember you are on the plane you were sitting a little bit behind me and you were the girl that used to come in my shows and beg me to get your tits bigger that's what I'm saying get back you get my tits bigger dude you used to say somehow I was lying the plane the doctor was a woman yeah do you have anything about that the horse's name was Friday that's crazy third was the base he was standing on ice they were sisters did you sing a third bass song take me a third bass their bass so I could round home buy me some peanuts and cracker jacks I'll eat them after I run home from third it's my favorite bass to stand at my favorite position to play when the ball is between me and shortstop by will play gay like baseball well done we had football dude there's something about grabbing a ball right grabbing a ball off a dribble like this and just seeing there's either nobody in front of you or there's somebody just to your side and you know you can take a step past them and in head you know I got it in me today I'm gonna dunk before you dunk and you do it and as you're doing it you're thinking to yourself I wonder who's watching me and you take the ball and you hold it tight to your chest and you start you hold it close and no one can get it from you and you're running running running and someone goes foul traveling and you go you can't fucking stop me you can't fucking stop me my dad's a referee you fucking son of a bitch you're pigs you're all pigs and then you take your gun and you shoot at the hoop and the glass explodes and it rains down over you and you pull down your pants you take out your dick you start pissing all over the court people come try to take the ball from you there would slip slip slipping in your piss then poop starts coming out people start tugging the poop right from your bottle hole they're drink drink drinking it there's nothing left inside you they take all your blood and all your poop and then you're just a ghost you're like Casper you're floating up into heaven you get to heaven and God says well done my good and faithful servant and then you dunk on his ass Eleanor Roosevelt said that really and no one can make you feel inferior without your consent sorry it was Casper around when Eleanor Roosevelt was alive Casper was still alive but he was around and he was Casper and remember when he whispered I can't keep you oh remember Christina reach E Christina now that's a Christina reach that's good too yeah I met you at Whitney's and you're doing that kind of stuff yeah we were having a bit of fun yeah I when I a bit of fun uh what sometimes I'll go places and I go by myself usually because I went by myself I wasn't by myself and um I go plays by myself all yeah I know what you're saying bathroom grocery store usually by myself it's almost always by myself it's what the city is it's okay to go to a party by yourself because it's easy to float around and be a social butterfly that's what it was it was floating around and doing and like doing little jokes the people they didn't want to do jokes I'm okay with that and I'll go to the next group of people we kind of joke magnet it we kind of joke magnet and it was like I think it was maybe five minutes it was five minutes of a conversation that wasn't real you didn't know me I didn't know you we were with Dan levy levy levy or levy I always use only that some of it though levy canada no american levy levy the stand-up not the eyebrows yeah who loves sneakers yeah levy yeah and it was about five minutes and I remember because I did I did bits and people did bits with me throughout the day and I remember when I was when I I don't remember if I was when I was leaving or I was there but I just remember having the thought of like that was by far my favorite part of this day oh that's nice and I thought I you got to come on my podcast but do you remember I I wonder if we talked about this on the podcast but I was going over to talk to Beth's telling and I said oh I spotted her I said oh Beth's over there after we had jokes for five minutes right so I'm gonna go talk to Beth and I said what if when I get there I say some perverts been falling around the party and then you come up and go like hi and then I'll be like make an eye at her like this was him yeah I think we said you know Beth but then I came over I do remember that and I didn't happen throughout that it wasn't were we doing that a lot Yeah, but then I forgot to do my part which was to tell Beth that a pervert was following me around and then you showed up and you were like I don't remember that part So yeah, we were young daddy knows Beth Daddy knows Beth listen to your bother. I was high at Whitney's party and You weren't do you do drugs just weed and I love it. Do you do weed can't answer that and we're not gonna answer that maybe off air Oh, I would if I was an American citizen and I was free to make any choice. I wanted. Oh, interesting. Oh She is an American citizen. Oh Yeah, erase that part. I'm I'm gonna cut to me dress in an American flag. Oh, thank goodness. Yeah You're getting arrested because you can't do that. You can't dress an American flag if you're not American So so when you came on the first time I'm like I really like the dynamic. I wanted to get high again And I I don't know if you got high or not and I found out that's not know when he's talking business Okay, but we have your first podcast first time we did it together and then I'm like, okay Maybe I know no and I when McCone walked in I said I really really wanted to be high for this one with you too But we can I ask you something every time I come over here like I wanted to be in a better mood I wanted to be stoned. I wanted to be have a shower. It's like what are you doing before people come over just do the thing you want to do? Hey, I'm sorry One time I said I want to get high but I didn't with you and one time I was in an upset mood because of heartbreak You've been on here many times and though only one time was that I do get high in this podcast often I the reason I didn't get high on it this time was because I knew you two wouldn't and I thought I've been so excited about having the three of us on together I didn't want to have to do that And you didn't want to be in your own extraterrestrial plane. No, I wanted to I just I think I would have talked over you guys too much So you're not high now No And I'm in a great mood good. I did have a little caffeine That's good magic mind. That's good Do you feel like this is your special day where your aunt and uncle come to take you for your birthday and we get to go to toys And you can pick a toy. Oh God. You remember going to Toys of Russ. Yes. I used to go crazy at Toys of Russ. I used to go ballistic at Toys of I used to go fucking insane. I used to go binky bonky dodgy. I don't honestly suck a douche I used to go my fucking my brain just to go I used to suck so many fucking daddy dicks when I went to Toys of Russ I suck so many dicks when I would go to Toys of Russ. What are you doing? By the way? Think about what you say before you Like it's just inappropriate. It's insane. Like we're talking about kids at Toys of Russ Anyway, one of my favorite things at Toys of Russ is when you should buy video game back in the day I used to hang on a little thing. You take it off you rip off that thing and you use that to cut the plastic then take the thing out When I would go to Toys of Russ. I love holding it like there's these little cards now I used to love holding though like but what about when you would get the game you didn't buy the game of the thing It was a slip and then you would bring it to the place. Yep. Oh, I'm a lot younger than you I guess very but I would bring you bring the slip and I remember really 30. Yeah, you're 14 years younger than me That's crazy. How are we friends? That's what I was saying. I didn't even know we were for a while. Well, maybe we're not Are we not? No, yeah I I'm not joking. I'm not doing a bit. I know having friends. I know you told us before You told me before this too and when Red Netsky and I face time do you from Massachusetts? You said I love having friends You were flying high after a podcast once when we hung out. You're like, I love having friends You do you're allowed to that's one of the best things. Maybe that's part are you gonna cry? Yeah, I got my eyes got a little water. I love that you're allowed to have friends you deserve friends Yeah, he's trying to squirt some don't let yourself be manipulative. Oh, yeah, he's trying to do like a He's working so that's why he got so quiet for so long because he's holding his eyes open trying to muster tears Yeah, you're not this isn't real. I wish you cared enough. How often do you cry to manipulate a woman? That's a great. What's it pick up line that you could do when you're crying good one? Excuse me. I'm I'm just picturing me Us dating for 10 years and me doing something where I lose your trust a little bit and I Regretted it so much like waking up from a nightmare and realizing you have a second chance you never did it And I just wanted to apologize for what I might have done But I'll make it I'm so sorry you fat fucking pig. You look like a asshole of a pig that I used to fuck you fucking bitch I'm gonna go suck a dick at toys or us Remember from all the things that we did together as friends the three of us sure I liked every part of that except for the part where you implied you're gonna cheat on her Because I don't think that's a good no no no no losing trust isn't cheating losing trust isn't cheating. What is it? I mean that is but that's a big version of it me the thing would be losing trust is for her to is as she said I knew that she was feeling insecure about her weight because after our third kid. She is this is the big backer woman The who the big biker woman that you're talking about before? No, this is a bigger one I knew that her hormones change after her third child and She looked she was a little bigger and she asked how she looked and I always had been honest with stuff And I wouldn't say you look bad would be like oh, I think you're beautiful I don't know if this dress is the most form fitting best thing for you But this time I felt like she was really needed a win and I told her you look fantastic Then we went out to this event and she pictures are taken we came back and she didn't believe she looked good in it She like well, I look bad and don't you tell me the truth don't you think I go these aren't the best pictures I've seen you're so much more beautiful than this and she said why did you tell me you like the outfit and I said I and I came clean and I said I'm sorry I Because I I do think you're beautiful and I I knew that we couldn't you couldn't change this dress at that part And I didn't want you to be in your head, but I realized that was manipulative and I shouldn't have made that decision for you Ben that's all I'm saying That's what I'm at by losing trust Did you tell her that yeah, okay, but I'm saying I can imagine doing that with you in 10 years. That would be why I would be crying What made you think Crying to manipulate what what what what have you experienced either personally at least I said that but then either of you What have you guys experienced personally? I'm just saying her because I think she's a great person But is there something that you have experienced that where somebody you found out later was manipulating you in a way like Like that like crying or behaving in a certain way not telling you words, but that's interesting. Has that like what made you that how did that even come to your mind? I guess because I just know that you sometimes like to make yourself cry And so I just wondered if maybe I've ever tried it. You were being serious about that just now. Yeah Oh, well, I don't know cuz I was just curious make yourself cry like doing an acting thing, right like playing a scene Okay, but I was just wondering like if you if a girl's ever mad at you if you're like I've ever done it. I don't know if I've ever cried from somebody being mad at me. No, nobody like made the tears come to me Do you find that there's nobody that can be more disappointed in yourself than you? That the truth I think so for me. I don't think anybody could I don't take it. Well disappointment is different than anger Disappointment is you expect better. I don't I try my best not to really get angry Disappointment data appointment. That's where we keep calendars Donkey dick dick. That's why we go don't don't Is ready for my version of it the third one ready this point me that appointment Say whatever you want yeah, I'm just gonna say it one that's in the sooner you do it the less like pressure Dribble-dohm dribbling. Oh, that's the way you're dribbling I would like to go no. I would like to go, but there's been three now. So this will kind of be a fourth one well the fourth one is the best one Okay, you know, it's called the Lotsie the rule of threes and Sometimes you only do two to break down the door Dumbledore I don't know, but I could dumble more Okay, that's that's good first try me in Harry Potter, I barely We're doing these do you need someone to toss it to you again to get in the head space and their D's just go just don't even think just go You're thinking Don't cheatle don't like don't data. Where's time to bake you used to work with that cheeto and done lake and I love to bake I don't like to bake dip so dacto Ipso facto. That's good. Here a quay Jira quay. Did someone say Jira quay? Little wonder big wonder is I Could see you're kind of drowning Come on come a here come there when I come around and work parties So just I got it and just do it got it goblin Goblin's in your mouth. We'll go back to Rick. No, I got it push it in the pull pull it in the push the push comes to shove and you push it in the Hardie, right come. It's mine you want me to key up See it sounds like you say anything, but when I say stuff you keep telling me I'm not doing it Bart Simpson Lisa Simpson Millhouse says get off my pimps. Watch the difference watch this Because it's like you're not seen quite and I know that you can do this is the only reason I'm saying this But do do about then you cat cat cat when you shoot at pack give it a Lisa Get off the cliff and then see my man and eat him Everybody get up. It's time We got a real jam going down. Welcome to the space, champ. Here's your chance to your day All right, all right, all right Monster Matt I do the monster match kind of buzz. It's all because this is how we do it South Central does not know about it. This is how we do it Number 41 named Matthew's band and everybody's playing the little Nancy's Basketball is my favorite sport. I like when you dribble up and down the court I do so clean on the microphone when my own dream's trimming in and me calming on Never want stop when they keep no stop when you can't don't drop in the don't drop in the drop flow Drop flow, drop flow every to the right flow black row. Let's go Y'all are on the sand. I never seen so many Dominican women with cinnamon tans Let me see that I forgot that the game was being mean to Ben and I got so into it. I really liked what you did Anyways, um, you guys want to get lunch. I puked it and freak you battle I'm too weeded to speak to the only key that I see to defeat you would be for me to remove these two Adidas and beat you and force me to even both and eat food as a creature I wish I was a little bit taller. I wish I was a baller. I wish I had a girl look good I would call there wish I had a rabbit and a hat with a bat Six farm Paula. Hey, I wish I had my way because every day It would be Friday and you can't even speed on the highway. I would play ghetto games name my kids ghetto games names a little mucky big I'll array and you know Oh, I think we're about out of time. Oh crap, but we're not a bit out of rhymes. Oh shit. Now we are Listen, I love you guys. What time is it come out? What is it come out? What time though eight a.m. P.M. Okay. Hey London time. Oh 12 a.m. I'm calling and I'm bomb I'll be back soon. Are you all right? Well, it's the musical that you like let's plug some things. What do you want to plug? There's long as he needs me. I hang on steadfastly Yeah, what haven't we done? Thank you guys so much for coming over should we plug you have already? Oh, I can plug you want to put go Good, yeah, if you plug now at least I won't be able to because we only have two plugs for show Can I go what is it we dream about what rings on a sigh piled peaches and cream about six feet Hi, I feel glorious food Still worth the king's ransom sing a musical song any musical song It's simple to say I'd like to plug a man on the inside season two oh with Ted Danson. Yep, that's cool What's your character in the moon light? Everybody dance in Mary steam It's on Netflix. I play someone's girlfriend Name or just girlfriend girlfriend. No rule ever get can you give me that's not it's not your Girlfriend I don't recognize no you weren't that in the shoes and this a bridge is that place and its patrons have are you trying to sing do you have an answer than I gave them I'm sorry Keep going. It's not easy to know. Oh great Keep going. I'm not anything like I used to be all though. It's true. I was never Attention, this is wait your several center. I still remember that girl. Okay, and who's she's in perfect But she tries she thinks is a umbrella. So do you think she is good? Just your shout out or bet she tries She is hard on herself She is broken and won't ask for help. You made me cry. She is messy, but she's kind She Most of the time she is all that mixed up and baked in a beautiful pie She is gone, but she used to be mine Beautiful are you gonna do the whole thing and it's not what I and it's not what I asked for you can do some time's life Just slips through the back door and calls out a person and makes you believe it's all true And now I've got you truly me You're not what I asked for who I become. If I'm honest, I'd give it all back meaning for a chance to start over and rewrite And ending or two for that girl that I knew which is her when she was younger Who is reckless just enough? Yeah, who gets hurt? Who gets hurt higher? You know what take it from BC diaphragm. Yeah, pretend to be pushing out who gets hurt Who gets hurt who gets hurt but who learns how to toughen up and she's bruised? Yeah, and gets used by a man who can't love and Then she'll get stuck and be scared of the life that's inside We're getting stronger each day till it finally you can take this finally find it reminds her To fight just a little to bring back the fire. Let me start lower for just for that prior one just off and just fight just Bring back the fire in her eyes that's gone, but use to be That moment dude, she's right, right You don't have to finish it Wicked good, dude that song that's our brothers. I saw it. I saw it with her. I so did I in London. Oh, we made me cry We and I she and I saw it together with what's her name you and Sarah, but I saw it with who yeah, right? With no, I saw I saw Sarah, but I was singing it. Who are you in? Why do you say we? The joke I was making was that we saw it and I'm forgetting the other girls name who sings it who so good Jessica something Jesse something Jesse Mueller. Yes. Oh, dude Mueller I saw with the with the next girlfriend of mine Betty She lives in London and we were I was visiting her in London and she surprised me those tickets that song is unbelievable the whole that album is fantastic She's very very talented Do you like Sarah, but Ellis I'm not gonna run to love Gravity can you do gravity you do gravity her song gravity. Yeah Gravity that's John mayor Not gravity I thought That's good least have you seen her hard Sarah, but I was singing a yellow brick road. No, you two bit. Okay Whoa Jerry Lawrence. I've never heard a song called that whoa piano Reeves Is he a singer? Well, he's a band called dogs are whoa, but he says whoa and you said whoa who says whoa? Jerry Lawrence that's how many woes can we think of like whoa? How about that? That's good. But is that best or pee? No? That's you wouldn't know Masterpiece time I don't think it's best of pee. How about this one? Owen Wilson. Yeah About almost and do a math and we can't a Friends you can reject the jokes calm. I think I can announce I showed you Elvis. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. That's good Okay, go ahead. Oh, you can announce it now. Yeah, you're not when is this come out dude if it if it comes out before you want This to be announced. We'll believe it. Okay. I am I'm doing something Broadway You are doing something I'm Broadway. That's all your fans flatlining because they're so excited What are you doing? I'm doing something called all out which is the second they did all I'm with Simon Rich wrote it and Alice Timbers directs it and I got all these fun people to do the first one I'm gonna do the I'm gonna do a few weeks in the second one. What are you doing? And are you going all out? I'm gonna go all out without what it is. Yeah It's we read Simon Rich's words who is a genius. So we do a funny. We say funny words that Simon I should do a show where people read my words Is it a musical? No, it's a play. I think Nothing can stop you from turning into whatever you want maybe we don't put us on there. I feel bad that I even said it You you get this way. I feel bad about you get bench words and friends check out bench words and friends rejected jokes.com Can't wait for you to see there's only five shows left. Well, you know, I'm taking 7 months on you and your family need this Yeah, it's gonna be great seven months off and then maybe I'm gonna do largo's again to see if I can get new people to play Would you play in one of largo shows? Yeah, what are you talking to these are me? Do you really want to do an improv show with us? Yeah, all right. We can do a small one. That's not That's you already mean you'll do it longer, but you won't sell as many tickets because I'm on the bill no No, no, it's just mine if nobody else is built. Nobody would know you're there until you're there and you won't get paid You get paid. What are you gonna do for seven months off? I'll do I'm not in provide not tour. Oh, but you're gonna work and do everything else, but I won't tour Are you still doing those big cheesic commercials? Yeah, I can do a lot. Hey, by the way, if you guys can buy cheese, it's that be huge If you're somebody you don't show it's doable dry dry drink fireball whiskey and then Microsoft I'm allergic to Microsoft. You're you like a member from the beginning. Remember from the beginning. I know he's really good What do you think when I have any show maybe you want to be a little? a little bit bigger than you thought originally. - Would you come tour? - Callback King. - When I come what? - Tour. - Tour. - You know what I would do if I had with enough notice that I would try to set up a show that I could be in that city for, and I would do your show, and then I would do my stand-up stuff on different days. - All right, seems like a lot of work. - For who? - Me. - No, what that would mean is, I am now promoting the show, and I would bring other people to that. - Stop. - You know what? - It's okay. - I cast you in a movie. - If I feel like I'd be good in the part, and I'm available, then yes. - Okay. - Have you ever seen "Sounds of the Lambs"? - Yes, but I only-- - Oh, I didn't know pigs had TVs. - God, you just leave yourself open to get actual-- - Like it's crazy. - Like you bend over and you spread your ass-- - Have you ever seen "Chashank Redemption"? Would you want to play role in "Chashank Redemption"? - Answer. It's okay, you can answer. - Answer. - Would you ever-- - If I'm doing a new "Chashank Redemption," would you want to do it? - "Chashank Redemption" is a pretty good script. - Okay. - Say, come on, it's for real. - Come on. - Sorry I was being a silent lamb while you were the pig. - See, that's exactly what we're talking about. You can't just-- - But you can take that stuff out in the podcast stuff, but you're not on the live show, they would see it. Yeah, I would probably want to play "The Warden" and call you up, too. No, I play "Andy-do-Frame," because I don't know, nobody ever knows, is my shoes. - Well, I guess you can play "Andy-do-Frame" because I'd be like, say what, "Tanayo." - Yeah, say what, "Tanayo." Also, I've been told that I don't look too bad with my shirt off in the rain with my hands like this. - Come on, man. - After I'm covered in shit. - You told you that. - "Hey, Proman, the sausage king of Chicago." - Are you serious? That's really "Hey, Proman," calling the other line. - Whoa! - Ah! - What? - Really? - Anything you want to plug? - Yeah, a man on the inside, and I guess drop out and-- - Oh, yeah, we're in a dropout episode. - Yeah, we're in a dropout. - Oh, you're probably more than me, though. You did another one, 'cause you're-- - I remember that monster that you played that everyone loves now. - Mm-hmm. - Oh, very important people. - Yeah. - She's very fucking-- - You know, I've been-- I don't know her personally, but I know her digitally, and it gives me hides sometimes. Remember, being allergic to computers, but Vic is gonna come on the pod. - Oh, fine. - That'll be great. - Oh, Vic will be funny. I wanna get her on stage once. - Oh, yeah. - Did she do the long form? - That could be a bigger show. - Which one? - The one with Vic, not the one with Rick. - Oh, Vic works Rick. - Uh-oh. - You guys wanna see how quickly I could grab a cord on your hand, but you couldn't grab the cord out of my hand, 'cause I could close it in time, but you can't. We don't have to. - I would. (laughs) - I'm not even doing a bit. I would love to. - Oh, look at this. You might wanna put it in 120 frames per second so people will leave it. - Do we have a stand-up? Am I supposed to try to grab it from you first? - Sure. - Wait, wait a minute. I just wanna understand the rules. - You're just trying to grab it, there's no tricks. You're just gonna go away. - Where do I put my hands? So, Vic, I'm gonna tell you how far I'm on. - That's pretty close, but I'll allow it. - Did you get it? - Yeah. - No. - It's easy, it's easy. - Can I try it? - But I'm full, I'm full. - Yeah, do it. - And also, you're like, - Can I try it? - No, it's close. - You have to get it before I close. Let me show you what I mean. Put it in one of your hands. - It's fucking easy. - Hold on this. Put it in bed so you can see what I'm nails. - Okay, so call on those. But open it all the way. And I'm not gonna trick you, so stop doing this. Whoa. Whoa. - Oh my god. - Okay, I can do it. - And we never do trick. - I actually learned this from Captain Jack Sparrow. - He can flip a coin. - Do you realize why I'm doing it? - Like, why are the wrong gong? - That's pretty good. - It's like a quarter finger walk. You can do it back. It works better for both of us. - You're nervous? - I think you can do it. - Go to bloom. - The guy from Independence Day? - Yep. - Open it like this. Do it. It's a fitting present. We'll see where he had it. - What the fuck? - Holy fuck. Am I okay? - We don't need a. - We don't need a whole jar of this. - All we want is a quarter back. - I'm gonna worry with the nails, but okay. - But I'm not gonna do it. - No, but I'm not gonna get any. - Are you sure? - Yeah. - Open it up. - Go as quick as you can. When you feel them coming, go as quick as you can. - Oh, I'm scared. - You can do it with me. - I'm scared. - Yeah, you're just closing before I even go. - Well, okay, sorry. Oh, can you go get a character? She is shaking right now. - By the way, I've got it. - But by the way. - By the way. - You guys, quarters are important because they remind us of video games of going to the other day. - Did you think people did this on purpose? - He punged it. - He didn't. - He did. - So it's past the whole time. - Hmm. - Please, it's upset. All right. - All right. - Thanks for having us. - Thanks for coming over, guys. And if you guys want to-- - Do you say anything to say goodbye? - What do you want to plug? - Oh. - How important having friends is. And sometimes having friendships could be inconvenient because people live far away and people have busy schedules. But you have to go out of your way to make sure that you maintain relationships and friendships because, you know, I think this is real, by the way. I think that you have to be the person that puts in the effort to maintain relationships. So you have a lot of friends. - Yeah, a lot of friends. - And do you have to put in work to make sure those friends, are you the person that texts people or everybody texts you? - Everybody texts me. Everybody, hold on to my ankles while I'm walking through the mall, screaming, screaming, let's hang out, let's go. - Oh, it's different for me. I have to be the one to make sure. I have to check up on my friends because I feel like everybody gets so busy. They forget to keep the relationship going. Is that kind of what you're saying? I agree with that. - Yeah. I don't feel a sense that it's my responsibility and not my friends. I do however I think it's my responsibility. And some-- - You just said you didn't feel it was your responsibility. - You guys, I'm so scared. We're starting the podcast over here. - Okay, we gotta go. - Okay, let's finish this one sentence 'cause you're saying something sweet. - I want you to know. - Appreciate you. - I have beef with friends reach out to me as well. Even if they're inviting me someplace that I can't or don't want to go. Or even if they're not inviting me. Renitsky's a good one or this. Renitsky calls and just checks in and how you doing and just chats. Because it's like, you just talk to people. Sometimes hanging out could just be like a FaceTime for I love a FaceTime. - I love FaceTime, I love FaceTime. - You do Marco Polo? Marco Polo is great. - The game? - Like when you're a pull? - Apco Marco Polo. And it's a way that do you know Marco Polo? We just gotta get that here. At least it's gotta go. ♪ Another version of me ♪ ♪ As she furthered into me ♪ ♪ Was to go down on you ♪ ♪ And I'll be there ♪ ♪ I'll be at her ♪ ♪ Blue, blue, blue ♪ ♪ Scooby ♪ ♪ Oh yeah ♪ ♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪ ♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪ ♪ Scooby ♪