Lisa Gilroy 8.0

Hi, it's Rick Glassman from this podcast. We'll get right to the show, but first I wanted to let you know that I'm on my standup comedy tour, Ricky's on the loose and I'm in Dallas this weekend. And if you're in Washington, DC, Montreal, Quebec, Edinburgh or London in the UK, Portland or Eugene in Oregon, Philadelphia, PA or Houston, Texas. My tickets are for sale now at Rick Glassman.com. And if you want to be the first to be notified when I'm coming to your city because I'm adding dates as we speak, go to Rick Glassman.com/tour, sign it from an email list, and I'll let you know. Hey, girls, get started without me. I'll be right there. Hurry up, Rick, seriously. What are you doing? Please, I'll be right there. Now enjoy the show, the show, the show, the show, the show, the show. Please let me hear you. Here you scream. Yeah, because cold open will maybe be the end of that last. Oh, right. The cold open is going to be the end of the last one. Oh, it gives me a moment of showing showing that you were here. Let's do a new cold open. Come on, Alvin. You farted again. Today are special. You should stay there. Don't even do anything yet. Today. All right. Today are special guests. Is that Scoo-do, blebby-de-blue, Scoo-do, oh yeah. So sorry. Grandpa's cheddar butter cheese farm, where the cheese is barneyer than grandpa. Oh, I think we're ready. Rick, what is what is a sponsor? What is a sponsor for? I can't hear you. I said, what are we sponsoring for? I don't know yet. Well, we have this sponsoring of whatever this is, but I must understand. All right. Well, let's say it's sponsored by proton. Okay. If, um, if the, um, if the proton will, like, croutons for sale, it's but counts. That's right. If the proton for croutons like salad, but counts right now, proton VPN is offering our listeners 70% off a two-year plan. When you go to protonvpn.com/teso, that's proton VPN VPN dot com rig dot com slash t y s o proton. There's a reason blue chew is the number one brand for better sex experience it yourself at blue chew dot com. And we've got a special deal for our listeners. Why? Right now, if you buy two months of blue chew, which is up to 60 boners. If you have sex every day, you get the third free with promo code. Tyso. That's like a free boner, guys. That's promo code. Tyso. You will also receive additional 10% off plus free overnight shipping in your first order faster boners visit blue chew dot com for more details and important safety information. We thank Bluetooth for sponsoring the pod. Thank you, Bluetooth. We appreciate all the boners you provide. Ricky's on the loose. We are in Columbus right now. So by the time you see this, you will not be able to check out that show, but you will be able to check out my just for labs and Montreal and July. In August, I am making my EU UK tour, starting with Edinburgh, the French festival headed over to Amsterdam, headed over to Dublin, then doing a weekend London. All tickets are for sale now in September. I'm going to be in Portland, Oregon, Eugene, Oregon and Philadelphia, PA and in October, we're going to be in Houston and Tacoma, Washington. And in November, I will be in Salt Lake City. If you want to buy tickets, or if you want to find out when I'm adding new cities to see if I'm coming to your city, sign up for my email list at Rick Glassman dot com. Ricky is on the loose baby. Grandpa's cheese pleasing tickle farm. Grandpa tickles your cheese, tickles your beans. Not my grandpa. Grandpa's cheese barn. What's that smell? Hmm. Oh, I have these drinks. I have just a little bit of to do. Do you always have that workout thing there? What? That workout thing? You always had it there? Uh, yeah. You always did? Yeah. And uh, let me just say, Boy are my arms tired. This episode is sponsored by my new shirt. Boy are my arms tired. Chef Boy are D. My arms tired. Just said that to John Michael. No, you didn't. You said Chef Boy are D. My arms tired. Is that true? That's not John Michael. I know, but you see everything. I didn't see that. You weren't there? No. Hey, take a look at that. Boy are my arms. Okay. So you missed the D. What did you say? Chef Boy are D. That's his name. He's French. His name is Chef Boy are D. Oh, his name is Chef Boy are D. And I don't know what Boy are D means. And I don't know what the D stands for. I don't know if D is his last name in the world. His, it's not because Chef Boy are Douglas. Boy the clap Jimmy Dugan. Do you remember that? No. What is that? SDD commercial? It's from um, the show, the movie, um, Nirvana, the band, the show, the movie. I'll give their own. There's no crying in baseball. Yes. I'm aware. If you build it, they will come. That's not that. That's so true. You know, and Gladys is the mom and that. Really? Yeah, that's true. All right. Shall we? Yeah. Shall we? Deleway. Shall we? Deleance. So Lisa, since the last time you've been on, when was that 2012? Rick, I miss you brother. I miss you. I miss you. Yeah. Yeah. It's good to be back. Let me finish my sentence. But if I'm Chef Boy RD and you're Sharon Stone then together we are sandwich and sandwich. Sharon Stone. Oh, sorry. What? Is um, don't let it. Sharon Stone, man. Sharon man, stone, Flintstone. I'm glad I had that little coffee drink. I'll tell you, I need a zip. I need a zip. A zap and a zap. Sometimes, oh, I love the sound of a can opening and a warm winter's night. Warm winter's night. Interesting. Yeah. Where were you? Vegas. Spring. I thought you were in Arizona. I saw a tarantula in Arizona once. I saw a tarantula in Glendale once. Is that true? They're here. I don't know that. Yeah. I don't know they were here. Absolutely. Look behind you. That's what tarantula say. They're actually trying to try to help you out. Why? You know what? I never actually thought about this, but like the fact that humans would even ask why we helped something out just go to show how much you wouldn't understand. It's so true. It's just like, you know what? We're like, it's like, do spiders have capitalism? Because if they don't, we can't understand how they work. Spider-man does, at least with the S. And he's like, he acts like he doesn't care about capitalism, but he works with the newspaper, taking those photographs when he's, he's like, he oh, he has two jobs. It's funny that he works. He's obsessed with money. Yeah. Well, I don't blame him. You know, I'm reading a book right now where the main character is a spider. And it's not Charlotte's web. It's something a little more advanced than that. It's the Bible. Wait, Christ is a spider. I'm gonna write it all long. Zoom, zoom, zoom. Life is a spider. I'm gonna ride them daddy-long legs, R.D. That's good. So I've been thinking what, because you're doing stand-up now. The book I'm reading is called Children of Time. And the main character is a spider who's on it's, who's very smart. And her name's Portia. Didn't they make Adam Sandler movie about that? That's Gramps. Don't. Life is a spider. If Christ was an animal, what animal do you think he'd be? Sheep. That's not, that's not right. Lamb of God. Lamb, that's what I was thinking. Okay. If you were an animal, what kind would you be? Donkey, yeah, ass. What would I be? Pigeon. Why? Their face. You look like a fucking pigeon. Okay, you know how some girls are like, if you say Butterface, what's a pigeon face? But just make me Lisa. I'm a glassman. That sounds like a dog farts. The Alvin's been farting today. He farted actually the first time he farted was when he cracked that fridge and I thought you had something rotten in there. Do you know that the reason he's been farting a lot is because unlike you, how many people come over here and gas him up? Evil. Have you seen the movie Pebble in the Penguin? Not yet. Oh, it's old. I have an idea. What is it? I'm going to turn the sound off on my computer. You got a new desk over there. I mean, that's, it's been a while since I've been over here. Maybe it's not new. I moved my office from upstairs and downstairs and back together again. But yeah. A Hobbit's journey. Upstairs to downstairs to back again. Yeah, the Hobbit's journey. I didn't hear what you were saying. Sorry. I don't remember. - So you do stand-up comedy now? And-- - Just a little bit. - Well, what does that mean? You don't get it every day? - No, I mean, I do it like once every month and a half. - Gulp, gulp, gulp, gulp, gulp. - You want to do it? Moor or-- - At the farm? - Yeah, I'm thinking you could do that stuff like that. Sound effects? Do you have any sound effects? - At Grandpa's Cheese Barn, the cheesiest, stinkiest, bare minimum. - Thanks, Grandpa. Grandpa, help. What's that smell, motherfucker? You want to do it? - Grandpa's Cheese Barn, on the way to Columbus, and on the way home, and fun. On the way home from fun, that's really sad. It's like wherever you're going, if you're going to Grandpa's Cheese Barn, you're not having fun there. You're actually the closer you get to Grandpa's Cheese Barn, the farther away you get from fun. - No, it means, 'cause you're driving away with the merch, you've just had a great time at Grandpa's Cheese Barn. - I don't know that. If I'm watching the commercial, I don't know that I own the mug. - Grandpa's Cheese Barn. - You don't own the mug yet. - Grandpa's Cheese Barn, from Columbus to-- Grandpa's Cheese Barn, from Cleveland to Columbus, or the other way around. You don't own the mug yet. - Okay, try it from your cleavage to your Rumpass. - From cleavage to your Rumpass? - No, the state, Grandpa's Cheese Barn. - Grandpa's Cheese Barn, whether it's from Columbus to Cleveland, or from cleavage to your Rumpass, you can get a mug. As long as you have a good time. Wait a minute, this just didn't. I guess if you're showing up, you're getting a mug, mug. - Nice. - Hey, advertisers. Ooh, something does stink a little. - Oh, that's your Butterface. Remember you said that earlier about pigeons? - Oh, I made up something actually. - What were you talking about Butterface about? - Well, 'cause you said I was a pigeon face. - No, I said that if we were animals, you'd be a pigeon, because you're so good at like caring people's. - Stop churping at me. - That's not very fly. (sniffing) - Do you like Poma Cartney? - Maybe yesterday. - Interesting. Do you like his band Wings? - Wings in the police. It's your dog. I'm telling you. - Why, he doesn't really fart. - Are you smelling like garbage smell? 'Cause that's what I've been smelling for like an hour. - Bullshit, you smell garbage right now. - I think it's coming from his ass. - Are you saying you smell it in spurts? - I mean, yeah, I guess so. - Or does it smell in here? - No, no, it doesn't smell in here. I think the garbage smell is coming from the dog. - Inside the house. - Yeah. - I know what you did last time. - The smell is coming from inside the house. - Okay, this is something I made up recently. Say an idea to me. - Sometimes I think it would be good to order two entrees instead of one. - Would you use fart? - Or is it just that idea that stinks? (laughing) - Dude, I hated that. - That's something I've been working on. - I hated that. - Okay. - But I mean, I didn't hate it in a way, like I hate it because you got me not because I think it's bad. - Oh, but I really do get, I gotta go out and get it. - Did somebody just fart? - Yeah, right. - Or do you just stink? - Yeah, I mean, that's okay. - Thank you. - Yeah. - Nah. - Nah. - 'Cause I'm a horse. - Okay. - Oh, hey, 'cause that's for me. - Right. - Thank you. - Sorry, why are you keep looking in my mouth? I'm not a gift horse. - Oh, okay. - Nah. - Nah. - Where are you from originally? - Born. - Oh, interesting, but over out in Maine. - You have the diarrhea, you just have the trots. - Oh. - Oh, I don't know how trots is diarrhea like. You know, whatever you say, bounce off me and sticks to you 'cause I'm rubber and you're a glue because you're a horse and the glue factory. - I'm glad you got to that fast. Are you a race horse? - You lose. - No, I don't. - Oh. - What's, what you got for pops in your fridge, hmm? (laughs) Get seven up or get it up. - Oh, sorry. I thought the pops was the joke and I did the noise. Sorry, I didn't mean to stuff my hoof all over your joke. - And that was a boring tale. - What's your favorite Nickelodeon show? - Sweet life of Zach and Horsey. - That's Disney. - Fuck. - Rick got it. - Hey, Horsey? - Lisa. - Rick, literally, honestly. Let's just be honest. - Let's just be ourselves. - Okay, sorry. - Sometimes when the camera's relaxed, I just seriously. - We go to Horseworld immediately. - And it's like, we need you to just chat. - All right. - We're not horses, we're just people. Like if we're gonna be honest with you guys? - Yeah. - I'm done, key, okay? - Okay. - Let's relax. - Think about your favorite spell. Then think about your favorite food. What would you do to make the spell bring you that food? - Ever could ever noodles. - Me interviewing Obama. It's like, it's just too high. - Mr. President. - Do you like it on people? - Not the president anymore. - But isn't that what you're supposed to say? That's what I was gonna ask. You still call them President. - Is that right? - Yeah. - Do you do it forever? - Well, when it's my birthday, I don't need to be called, sorry, when it's my birthday. I don't need to be called birthday girl forever. - You're welcome. - Can I be? I'm trying. - What is your birthday? - What the fuck? - Well, I'm honest about that. - How old do you think Obama is? - What did you do? - What did you do? - Well, that's definitely true. - You're right. - Well, it's funny, but you said it, I'm a bum. - Oh, that's good. A little flick of the wrist. - Well, Michelle, she told me I'm a bum. - Yeah. - That's a pleasure. - Yeah. - Yeah, do it like that. - No, you just did it. You've done it enough. I'll be a different kind of President. - I'll be. - I'll be. ♪ Abraham Lincoln ♪ ♪ I never knew what it'd be like to be President ♪ ♪ And turns out I love it ♪ - I used the chili pitch the next Hamilton, but it's Abraham. - And it's really slow, it's not rap. Is this kind of sig talking? - Yeah. - Well, listen, listen, listen to this. ♪ I'm a Abraham ♪ ♪ Lincoln, Lincoln, Lincoln to this ♪ - It's such a good show. ♪ I'm a Abraham ♪ ♪ Sit down and listen 'cause I've got ideas ♪ ♪ I'm the President, I'll be for years ♪ ♪ I'm a Abraham ♪ - Stinking, Lincoln, Lincoln. - I have an idea. You know, I love pitching you. - You use fart? Or is it just that idea that's gonna stay? - I get it, all right. - Yeah, what's your big idea? - What's your big idea, kid? - So I would like to show with you a musical where it is involving IP like that. It could be Abraham Lincoln, it could be anything. I recently pitched the idea of a Rosie the Riveter Ramcom. I thought it would be cool. I look at you as a Rosie the Riveter type. - Wow, thank you so much. - I feel like you should play her in a Ramcom. - Me too. - Not, I believe you. - That's something I wanna talk about. - So we could take some characters that exist. - We can do it. - With the audience's help. - Mm-hmm. - It's not like that. - Well, I like that idea. - You know what, I used to think Rosie the Riveter, like I thought Riveter, I didn't understand. You know, it's like, I didn't stop to think about the word Riveter. - Oh, she asked her people's help. - I don't know what she's doing. She says, her poster says we can do it, and she's flexing. - Yeah. - But you see, I didn't know what a Riveter was and I've never thought about it until this moment and I always kind of thought that she was a woman who stands up on a river boat and paddles it. - Oh, I always thought of it like a, she turns things like a rivet. - Yeah, that's probably what it is. I've never thought past the word Riv. And I went, in my mind I went, River. She's the Riverter. She gets on the River, you understand? - Riverter. - Yeah. - Yeah, like the Riverter, yeah. - Like in Greek mythology, she's the one. - Like the waiter. - Yeah, in Greek mythology, she's the one on the boat. - With the horse. - With the coins over your eyes and takes you in to see his run. - And his paintings. - Yeah, paintings. Now, did you want to fuck the cartoon version of Hades when the Disney movie was out, me neither. I don't think about that. It didn't occur to me that I would ever want to do that for any reason. - Made you even think to ask me that. - No, I would never fuck him. He has literally his hairs on fire. How could he go down on me? Doesn't make any sense. - Wait, when guys go down on you or a guy, or a girl, or Hades. - It's guys, plural. - When guys go down on you, they're, - If they're hairs on fire, it's gonna sting. I've never had a guy go down on me and have his hair go in my pussy. - His? - Eleanor Roosevelt. ♪ Hair is on fire, fire, fire, fire, fire, ♪ ♪ His hair is on fire, fire, fire, fire, fire ♪ - It's not bad. ♪ Ah, this girl is on fire ♪ - No, so I sing that song already. So you can do like a different song. You can pivot to a kind of a different song that complements the joke. - Or. - Yep. - What's the song where she goes like on the piano? - Ah, keep on falling. - Yeah, that one. - Mm-hmm. - Oh. Oh, try again. ♪ I keep on falling ♪ ♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪ ♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa ♪ ♪ Love, no, no, no, no, no, no ♪ ♪ Will you ♪ (clears throat) ♪ Sometimes I love you ♪ ♪ Sometimes I feel blue ♪ ♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪ ♪ Baby, baby ♪ ♪ I don't know something I know who you ♪ ♪ I know you ♪ ♪ I'm so in love with you ♪ ♪ I keep on falling ♪ ♪ Gaining out of love ♪ ♪ Where are you? ♪ ♪ I'm never on this one ♪ ♪ I love you ♪ ♪ I love you ♪ It's not even clubbing. I'm not even even close. Sometimes when I sing how far off I am from the key, it's similar to when I can't spell something even close enough that auto corrected guess it. So I have to dictate, diarrhea almost every time. I know it. Daya, obviously that's easy. D-I-A, run, run, hurry, exploding ass. (laughs) Daya. Daya. Spell it. Oh, D-I-A-R-R-H-A. You have a thing for it because you couldn't remember Daya. And I spell it so often. I do. Yeah, same. One of my big words. Daya, D-I-A, R-R, exploding ass hole. No, run, run, hurry, exploding ass hole. I can remember the run run. D-I-A-R-R, hurry, exploding ass hole. Yes. Hurry, H, exploding, E, ass hole, A, H-E-A. The way you remember, I think I might remember it, is H-O-A, but instead of O-It-E. D-I-A-R-R-H-E-A. Okay, fine. Remember how ever you want. But the whole one was association. Fucking rich, capitalist pig. You're like, every word that you need to remember about a spell, you're just like, oh, how can I put it? So something, something R-R-S-P, I'll remember that. Something, something 401k. That's how I know how to spell it. Something, something big money bags, bank man, paycheck. Big steal from the poor. Give me more and more rich, yummy, yummy, big rich guy. That's how I'll remember to sound. That's what you sound like. When you spell words like that, that's how you make us feel. Because you're just like rubbing it in. Rub rub. Rub, rub, D-I-A, rub, rub, H-E-A. Rub, rub, hurry, enemy's advancing. Don't you want to spell diarrhea? It's D-I-A, rub, rub, hurry, enemy's advancing. Run, run. Run, run, hovered. Oh, run, run, hovered. Run, run, hovered. I don't know anything about E-A sports. It's in the game. No, 'cause then you're gonna add a-- No, you won't. No one's as well at D-I-A-R-R-H-E-A. It's in the game. That's fine. What happened? My god upset. That's okay. I just heard memory. Who was it? Sports made me think of, you know, you need a gym class and get picked last. You know, we used to play something and I don't know why it was called this, but it was called Chinese baseball. And my teacher would teach it in gym class. Is that where, like, it was different? Careful, 'cause no. The only thing about it-- Is that-- And I'm gonna explain what it is before you do all of your bad guessing. I don't know why, but the game was just, you kick like a dodge ball instead of hitting a baseball with a bat. And then there-- So the Chinese play baseball? Otherwise, it's exactly like baseball. Whether why is it such a lovely day? If you could use-- It's Frank's not sure. ♪ Some exotic booze as a bar in ♪ ♪ Mission Bay ♪ ♪ I'm dying for another drink of Jack ♪ ♪ I'm shrimpin' ♪ ♪ I'm shrimpin' for another drink of Jack ♪ ♪ I'm shrinking ♪ ♪ Shrimpin' ♪ ♪ I'm shrimpin' for another drink ♪ Is that what they call guys who are really obsessed with their girlfriends or shrimps? I think that they call 'em simps. Like simpsons? I think like simple, mind it. Look at this simp who's respectful. Look at this simp who asks his girlfriend if like-- You seem like a self-identifying simp. Yeah. Yeah. And you know what? Why not? People call me simpsolot on here. They also call me-- Ser simpsolot? A beta cock and a nipple baby. Well, what about a beta fish? Those are the ones that go crazy in the little tank by themselves. Which makes me think they're alpha. I don't get it. Yeah, right. But let me ask you this, to see if you are-- have a commonality with the beta fish. If I put you up next to a mere, do you want to kill what you see? No. Interesting. Interesting. You're new I see. Can I do my impression of you? Oh, please. Please don't go there, Rick. Interesting. Oh, that's it. I can't take this no more there. I never said it. Why? I was afraid. I don't want to make fun of someone. Were you petrified? It's a wood joke, but why? OK, OK. I would never live without you by my side. Would ever by your side. And then I planted so many trees just thinking how to stay alive in the shade with photosynthesis by name. And now I'm barked from in the space that I dug all of those trees so we could get rid of all this waste, the carbon pollution that is going on. And all the bad stuff that happens with trillionaires and the people that are mean we need to have more. Do you think it cut me down? Do you think I'd scream? Oh, no, not I. Because I am green. I don't know if the giving tree would ever let you take his spleen because then there would be no stump to sit on, no chair to make your own. Because you are just sitting there with your-- I mean, how much I've grown because I'm a tree. You can't cut me. I have my forest. That's my friends and all my little family. And I am all my bark to give. And I have all my limbs to give. And I got my leaves. So don't you think that you'll leave me? Hey. And now I'm branched from outer space. I can't believe these apples fell and grew up on my face. And then it hit me on the head. And then I came up with algebra. Or that was the people over in Asia or India. Algebra. Iran. Where is algebra? That goes in Africa. No, I mean, yeah, Egypt Egypt. No, I think it was-- I think it was the Armenians. No, the Iranians. We can find out. Why is everybody suddenly obsessed with Googling or Algebra came from? I thought this was a joke podcast. We're just saying stupid. We're fact checking out. China is called as a Canadian thing. I googled it. It is. There was only-- it's originally very Canadian. I've never heard of such a thing. Oh, you know. I googled it. Ancient Babylonians. I don't know about that. In your body. Babylonios. What is Babylonian today? What is the current day Babylonia? Babylon. Today you've started. All right. So Algebra was created in Iraq. And your mom was created in the sack. And when she spit me out of her body, I don't think I was breastfeeding in Iraq. Mm, did my rig. You didn't really get out of Iraq. You would have liked it. Were you breastfed? I don't-- I don't think I was breastfed enough. I don't think so, either. Because I think your parents went straight to almond milk with you, and that's why how come your skin is so pale. And you're also tired. Jesus Christ. Me, I got big old milky jucker wagers. That's why I have never-ending energy. My hair's thick. Everything about me is nutrients. New what? New. Trains. We didn't use that one. Mm, it's OK. We wouldn't have had time for all of it. Yeah. So you're saying that you breastfed for a long time, and that gave you thick hair? Mm-hmm. So I didn't breastfeed enough. My hair's not thick enough. There's a lot of things about you that are kind of depletion. Oh, my gosh. Tell me. And there's everything I could do about it, because if not, maybe you don't tell me. Toothpaste is good for you. Like, if you eat it now, it kind of makes up for that stuff. All right. You know, you can use breast milk as toothpaste? You can use it for a lot of things. I'm not kidding. You know you're supposed to squirt breast milk in a baby's eye if it has an eye infection? That's real. It's not even a joke. Breast milk can do anything. Excuse me? If a baby has an eye infection, am I supposed to squirt breast milk in his eye? All right. I thought that as I said it, but this is mostly for guys. Okay. However true eye infection, such as newborn pink eye, do require medical care. Not really. Leaven treated these infections because permanent eye damage. So, have you have pink eye? Are you telling that you just don't go to the doctor instead just put breast milk in their eye? If it's a he? I had a boyfriend once that slipped and fell in a big. pile of tactile bizzmo. - I've never met her. - Pink guy. You know what, it's like sometimes we're doing having the slowest rap battle of all. (laughs) 'Cause sometimes also when someone said something and then we'll come and say, "Mm, like it's always like," it's like we're in a poetry reading circle or like a prayer group or something. Mm, and then, you know? - Or a woman, right? - Mm, mm, mm, yeah, or even a woman. Yeah. (laughs) - It's just thinking it was out of your opinion to me. - No, I'm not. I was gonna say, what I was thinking was I was maybe gonna ask you like, who were the last? - Gulp, gulp, gulp, gulp, who were the last like, who's the last woman you saw out in the wild? - Not including, just walking out again. - No, it literally has to be a strange route outside. - But I will know her name, probably. - Yeah, but do you remember her? Even that's kind of my point. It's like when you see women, are you even remembering them? - I did see a mom outside of a medicine restaurant. - And she just demoted you. She can't be an independent woman. - She was, honestly, maybe the most beautiful woman I've ever seen in my life. And she was, I'm assuming it was with her daughter. There was maybe 14, I'm like, you know, I don't know. And I knew I wasn't going to say anything, but I felt, I questioned myself. - But it started wiling up inside you and you went, "Oh, there's a movie wall, whoa, whoa, yum, yum, yum, sliver, don't stop." Did you? - Wait until I got my car. No, so when I see something that I'm like, whoa, that's an amazing pair of pants that you got there or whatever. Like I tell people, your muscles look awesome. Like I'll talk to anybody if I notice something. And it's nice, I like to say it. And I was saying to myself, okay, it's not appropriate to tell, I'm not hating on her. I'm not trying to pick her up. I was almost like, but I want it, but like I thought this thing that was nice, but don't let her know. And I had this conversation with myself of like, - Don't wait till people are dead to give them flowers. - Well, I know. - Right, Rick? - Yes. - Yeah. - But I wasn't sure if it would be appropriate to go up to a woman while she's with. I think her teenage girl would be like, you're the most beautiful woman I've ever seen in my life. - That's why you don't go up to her. You just shout it from across the parking lot. - You're joking, but I really did 'cause when I was driving back and then-- - You're beautiful. - What's his name? Who sings that? - You're beautiful. - James Bond. - James Bond. - James Bond, right? - And he has the two different versions of the song. And one goes, I was fucking high. And then the radio edit is, I was flying high. So sometimes that really shocks me to my core. When I grow up and I hear the unedited version. - That's kind of like how the first time I saw Tracy Morgan perform stand-up comedy. And I was so used to seeing his like Saturday Night Live character. - Yeah. - And then he was just talking a lot about just very sexual and dirty things. - And I was like-- - I couldn't believe it. - Whoa. - He was with me with Danny Tanner. - Yeah, I felt that way too. - I remember he made a joke about the Olsen twins and I was like, he can't be around them. Like, is he's not safe? - Oh, you don't think? - Well, I just kind of thought it was weird 'cause I think he made some sort of horny joke about them. But I think it's weird to make a horny joke about someone that you've known since they were a toddler. - What about people that married the high school sweethearts? Also, their parents were neighbors and they bathed together. - What about people whose parents were neighbors, but they bathed together, but they didn't bath all the way and the water wasn't that warm. So when they drained it, they got out. And one person's dad told them both off, both the kids are the dad's kids. And then they had a sleepover, but they slept in different beds. But in the morning, they got up and watch cartoons together in the same bed. - That's where you get the saying. Don't throw the baby out with the bath water. That was Arles Stein. - Arles Stein said that. - Mm-hmm. - You know, when I was a kid, I thought Arles Stein was a group of them. I got, this is completely true. I got confused about mad. Do you know, mothers against drunk driving? - A lot of them. - And Arles Stein, I kind of got the mix up. So I thought, I thought Arles Stein was a group of moms who had banded together. I don't know how I got them. - Arles and it's like, it's like an M&D. 'Cause Mad, you probably saw that. - No, I didn't think it was anything to do with drunk driving. I just thought Arles Stein was like, like how JK Rowling made up her stage name so that people would think that she was a boy who wrote the books and boys would read the books. I thought Arles Stein was a group of moms and it was like Rita, Linda, Stacey, Tracy, Enid, Ina, and Natalie. - Natalie, Stein. You thought it was Stein? Arles Stein. - It doesn't look like you're saying any, any, many, many more. - Okay, so I thought it was a group of moms and they were the ones. - They didn't say any of the Stein, it's not Stein. - Arles Stein, Stein. - I think it's Arles Stein. - It's not. - Sorry. - What? What? The harder. Touch me. - This episode is sponsored by Bluetooth. And to be honest, I wouldn't be here today entertaining you fine folk. Dad, if it weren't for your boner. - That is true. - Now if you want a boner but you're a little nervous or you want a boner and, oh wait, are we a lot of say boner? - Leave. - You can say boner and you could also say it's time to make your bedroom noisy again. Nothing says hello neighbors, like a nice bed post knocking against the drywall. - Two way up. This stuff is, they're, listen, let's just be real. Boners be bonin. And boners sometimes are banging on the posts. - Remember when you were young and getting hard was easy. I know I do. You could look at one page of good housekeeping. I was never getting a boner from good housekeeping or a shapely tree stump and be ready to go. Listen, I gotta be honest, this is fun. This is what they do. - I never got a boner from a tree stump but I did boner girl on a tree stump once. - Yeah, but who gets a boner from a tree stump? - Well, you will with Bluetooth. - That's a reason why Bluetooth is the number one brand for better sex. Experience it yourself at Bluetooth.com. And we've got a special deal for our listeners right now. When you buy two months of Bluetooth gold, you get the third free with promo code Tyson. That's promo code, Tyson. You'll also receive an additional 10% off plus free overnight shipping and your first order. That's a faster, cheaper boner friend. Visit Bluetooth.com for more details and important safety information. We thank Bluetooth for sponsoring the podcast. - Thank you, Bluetooth. - The bedroom. Thank you for the boners. This episode is sponsored by Proton VPN. That, I don't think you're a VPN kind of guy. Maybe your kind of, your generation is a little-- - Am I older than that? - Officers run by VPN phones. - No, I don't think it was, was it? - Yeah. - What's a VPN phone? - Jesus, what's VPN stand for? - Virtual private network. - Oh, maybe it was something else. - We'll do it again. - Okay. - This episode is sponsored by Proton VPN. I'm on the road right now. I happened to actually be with some family right now for their Columbus show, but I was just in DC. I was in New York and Boyer My Arms tired from all of the traveling and typing. When I go on a private network, I'm not as concerned though I usually stay on the VPN. If I'm using any public Wi-Fi, if I'm on the hotel, you gotta use your VPN to use my VPN immediately. I just do it to keep secure. I get scared if I'm gonna log on to banking or anything. Also, by the way, if you're watching pornography in certain states like Texas, they're not gonna let you do it. - If you're using VPN, stick with Proton. It's easy to get started right now. Proton VPN is offering our listeners 70% off of a two-year plan and you go to protonvpn.com/tiso. That's 70%. Guys, come on. - We're gonna say this together. That's Proton VPN. - That we stop and just let me tell you what we're saying. - Okay. - That's protonvpn.com/tiso. - I knew that's what we were saying. - That's Proton VPN. - No, no, dad. - That's Proton VPN.com/tiso. For 70% off. - This episode is sponsored by RevolveMan. You've probably heard of RevolveWomen if you're a woman, probably, because it's a hot, it's a hot shopping network. - Get it, hot. - I know, I mean, before Revolvemen even came to me, I didn't know that they did men's clothes. I knew of this app. I know people that use it. - Yeah, wow, they do do men's clothes. - Yeah, and I've been buying stuff on it. So when I first found out about it, I used it just to like to better understand how it works. But now, like, it's kind of a thing I go to. I like clothes. I got into clothes a couple of years ago. There's certain brands I like. Revolve gets new stuff all the time. You could say it's constantly changing and adding to their inventory. Free-today shipping. I've been ordering stuff from them where like, "Oh, I like this. I don't like this. Where the idea is almost like trying it on." So like, I don't feel bad if I'm ordering stuff just to try on. Hey, John Michael, who is the RevolveMan? Think of it as a place, guys who care about how they look go to shop. It's pretty simple. So if you're looking for something to wear for a big night out, a wedding, a trip, or you just need something last minute that actually works, believe me, RevolveMan has it. Go to Revolve.com/TysoToShop and use code "Tyso" for 15% off your order. Free-today shipping, which is awesome. Easier returns. Awesome. You just try stuff on. It just makes everything easier. That's Revolve.com/Tyso and use code "Tyso" for 15% off your entire order. Offer and soon, do not sleep on it. So I thought it was a group of moms that were writing scary books and they thought no one would take them seriously if they knew they were a group of moms, but they were also making the books not so scary because they don't want to scare the kids too bad. I thought it was like some sort of like public service initiative. Oh, great. I look like a teenager or a shy kid, but do I look like too much like a teenager? You look a little young, too young to be doing the pod. Am I age you up if you put your mustache on? You're worried you're going to look too young? I worry. Just with all the explicit language you're using. Yeah. That's better. Do I look like I could be a dad now? Tries to try out some phrases. Don't throw the baby out with a bath water. That's good. Where's the dad from? I guess he's like kind of Cambridge. Cambridge. What about this one? Do what your mother says. Oh, that's so good. Okay. I'm gonna close my eyes and you'd just be like three different realistic dads and they all have to be real and they're just like in a meeting together about being a dad. So I'm a new father and I've heard that sometimes it's okay to not feel like you love you love your son the days born. Did that ever happen to you guys? Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, I'm not feeling real to me. Sorry about that. But the truth is, I love my son. I love my boy. No, that's not feeling real to me. My boy. Oh, no. I'm like Daniel playing for you. My boy. Okay. Now you close your eyes and I'm gonna be a group of moms. Yes, so last Saturday, you know, Michaela had her friends over and I think they were drinking in the basement and you know, it really upset me. Oh, well, I think the kids should be able to do whatever they need to do. I mean the teenagers, you know, they need to just express themselves and. Well, I don't think that's very correct at all, actually. My boy, Millie, I never knew such a thing. Which of those sound kind of. I thought the second one sounded like with a Griffin. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Peter. Yeah, so I thought the first and the third. Okay. Do you know what Peter Gryppin's wife says when she's ordering a side of bread from a Mediterranean restaurant? Hmm. Pretty good for me. What about Bob? What for me? Okay. Well, you know what Peter Gryppin says when he sees a big shark that should only exist in prehistoric times? Meg! What for me? It's your turn. Close your eyes. I coached softball the past three years and my son doesn't like it. This sounds like Rick Glassman. I coached softball three years now. I wanted to get my little boy into baseball. He doesn't play unless you include building amounts of dirt in the field. Hmm. I thought, "Why am I coaching baseball instead of letting him do what he does best? Waste my die." Hmm. That's how I grew up in a place where my dad would coach all the sports stuff when we were really little. And my brother played sport and he was really into it and I didn't and I didn't. I'm exactly the same. My dad coached our soccer teams and my sister was really good and I was booty cheeks. But. But here we are. Is that what you mean? What was the sport for you? T-ball, baseball, basketball. I didn't play until I got older. Hmm. Interesting. Does your brother still -- interesting. You probably are better at basketball now than your brother. I try not to talk about other people. The only person I honestly feel like is my competition. Competitive. What is yourself? From my former versions. Yeah. Yeah. Truly. Yeah. I really believe that. Personal best. Yeah. One day, you're going to be so old. You're going to be bad at everything. Like, you're going to be keeping yourself, you know? Like, you're going to keep getting a new personal best because you're getting better and better. Then one day, the curve is going to change and you're going to start getting so old and crispy and crepid and decrepit and crept. That you're going to get so fucking deep-fried, decayed, crispy, bad, like old, like, dementia. Are you seeing that in purpose? So, dementia say that? Hmm. Point for me. That you're going to be not -- you're going to just start going down, down, down. Isn't that interesting? And it's like, you don't know when the day happened. Like, did it already start? Is it tomorrow? There's that trend where, like, a dad or a mom pick up their baby, their kid. And shake the ever-loving hell out of it because they won't stop crying. And then later the doctor's like, "Did you shake this baby?" And they're like, "No, swear to God, we literally didn't. But time will tell." Yeah. I mean, look at it now. Look at us now. Yeah. But sometimes it's a trend where they will pick up their kid and like, this is the last time I'll ever be able to hold you. That's so true. But now you see on TikTok, they're like redoing it. They're holding it again. Yeah, holding it again. Which it's like, "Oh, if I was the last time, but the truth is, no, we're just reminded to hold their children, to smell the flowers." Yeah. Stop and hold your children. S-A-H-Y-C. Hurry, hurry, run, run. H-H-R-R-S-A-H-Y-C. Thank you. Sniff who? Do you have it? Go ahead. Do you think your daddy could pick you up right now, off the ground, both feet, and for longer than five seconds? Maybe if it's just like this, and going like this for a second, because my dad was in the area rug business for a long time, and he probably lifted a sack of shit like me all the time. For breakfast. For breakfast. Whoa, that's so true. You are like a giant sack of shit. No, your dad could probably pick you up then. That's amazing. But you'd have to go crotch a crotch for it? I would, I mean, I would suggest it. He is sick. Yeah. Sometimes when my dad and I go crotch to crotch, I remember what it feels like today. Crotch to crotch. That's a beautiful like French. Crotch to crotch. Crotch to crotch. Crotch to crotch. It's knitting an orange drink. When men hug, do they feel each other's penis is touched? Depends on the man. Depends on them. Do you ever hug somebody? Whether you have your waist back a little bit, like you're trying like not to touch them. Like you're like, I'll give you this. I would never do that. I'm always like full, like I'm really in, I'm like involved in all the hugs. I like to be as involved as possible. Go. Unless it's someone who's. Sack of shit, like me. I love the suck shit like me. Yeah. But like, I guess so do men do that. You must, when you hug, you kind of just like keep a part a little bit. I don't think, I don't, the way the body works because I'm leaning. So tell me about the way the body works for a man's body. I would like to be able to be a voice of it. Yes. When you hug somebody, you're going in like this, but you're not putting your toes to toes. So because of this, it's kind of like, it's like this. So. Four head to four head and everything else apart. Well, yeah. I mean, at the hug is the peak. When you hug your dad, are you cheek to cheek? Yeah. I think his ear is. He's behind me. If his arm is strong, Louis Armstrong, cheek to cheek. Louis Armstrong, cheek to cheek. Sing it. Heaven, I mean heaven, and my love be so that I can hardly sleep. I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I cheek to cheek. I see trees of green. How do people do that without hurting their vocal cords? They can't. Red roses too. Wow. That's pretty good. You know what I'm really desperate to do? Desperate to do. Donald Duck impression. And I've been trying to do it. Working on it. And I need someone to help me. But can you say words? Yes, you know what I'm saying. You have it for a second. You have an album space, isn't it? Yeah. Sorry, buddy. Don't want to crack anymore. Clack on the quack is the quack, don't quack. Do you want to. Let me ask you some questions. Sure. Journalistic style. Bob will. Waltz. Yeah, I notice you have a book. Yeah, that has questions, isn't it? Did you write something for me? You're kidding. No. They're going to be insults. No. Triumph the insult comic dog. If you could ask Miley Cyrus any two questions, what would they be? Well, Logan, you say you watch Hannah Montana. Me too. If you're watching this, Miley Cyrus. I want you now. I'm in heaven. You're a knight. I wouldn't be here if it weren't for you. Oh. And the Wiggles. I need two questions to ask Miley Cyrus. But there has to be a two-part question. Like, you can't ask one and another one. So it has to be somehow related. Okay. And it can't be N-Y. Oh. Okay. I guess I would ask her what's going on, girl? N-Y. What's going on, girl? And where? Do you want to see one of my scary faces? Yeah. It's not scary at all. It's scary, I got it. We'll see yours. My scary face? Yeah. That's scary. Let me try that face. I'll leave this scarier. Okay. Wait. You're crossing. I can't do it. The fuck. It's not. I can't do it. I can't. Why can't. Whoa. Why can't I do it? Oh my god. Just no, no. Look up as far as you can. Like, roll your eyes back into your head. Honey, if I looked up any higher, I'd be staring at the moon. I'd be a tree. Now, if you're at a restaurant and- When. When you're at a restaurant. Do you ever get so rude that you called the waitress honey? Oh, only if I want my check, but I'll snap first. You go, honey, snap, snap. H S S H E a run run hurry hurry get the bill. No, not only if I never been rude to somebody a server. A lot of times when a server comes for the first time say drinks I go, I'm so sorry you're bringing me my food. I'm so sorry. I'm going to ask for some modifications. Well, when they come to order get the drink order, that's what happens first. So why are you already saying so sorry? Oh, you're saying you're apologizing in advance. I being serious. Yeah. I do say I want to let you know before I order, I make a lot of modifications. I really appreciate your patience. I'm sorry in advance. And after that, I'm going to be very easy. And it happened to be a very good tipper. Okay. Let's play a game called coffee shop. You have to order a coffee for me that is the most realistic but longest order of one single coffee with the most modifications you can think of. Go. Hi, what can I get for you? Do you have Chilate? Wrong. My turn. You have to go on your run. This is how I would do it. No, you have to go. I would like a but I don't know if it's powder or liquid. So I'm trying to understand because part of the modifications, if you're making the order, you're at Starbucks. You ordered this all the time. So you'd have to start it with I will get a Chilate from concentrate. Go on. Okay. What can I get for you? I apologize in advance. I'm going to make a lot of modifications. I have a free drink. So I'm going to do your largest. I'm going to do a Chilate. But could I only do one pump please? And I want ice, but I don't want the ice in it because I feel like it's going to melt everything down. I would like the ice on the side. The problem is I want to make this a dirty martini or dirty. So you've made a mistake. So now you're trying to make mistakes. No, you have to do like one fluid run of a long perfectly ordered drink. Okay. And then as soon as you make the mistake, you can call me and like you can call my mistake and then it'll be your turn. It's okay if you make a mistake. Oh, it's not. That's not the game. So now you say, what can I get for you? Welcome to the coffee shop. Hi, can I have a Chilate from concentrate half sweet extra foam on a double whip frappuccino with a caramel flambé and an extra large cup. What was wrong from half sweet? What? What does half sweet mean? I always get my drinks half sweet. But the the sweetener is in their chai. So if you want half sweet, you're asking for a half of the chai. Okay, I didn't realize you genuinely work there. That's why I was asked questions. Okay, you're turn. Okay, order the still the same drink, but try it again. Yes. I'd like to get a Chilate dirty. I would like the ice on the side because I don't want it to melt. But at the same time, I don't want the espresso in the plastic cup. So would you mind making everything except for the espresso and put that inside paper cup? I'd like to do one puff of this. What's going on? I was keeping time. I was like, keep it done. That's just you're distracting me. I thought you were being the brist breeze to being rude. No, I was being like hurry, hurry up. Why hurry? You said and make it as long the game by design is making as long as you can. Yeah, fluidly and quickly. Ask me on a tour. What would you like to order? Can I have a double whip caramel mochiato in an extra large cup with a side of ice and whipped cream on the top, but not on the bottom, extra deep fried inside microwave twice. You can't defry it. But normally, if that was in the rules of the game, I would love to hear you talk about deep fried twice. Anyways. This is why I stopped drinking coffee. I'll have a track. When Bill Mark comes up to his mind a lot, he's beginning of real time, and the audience is hot. He takes it in and he goes like, okay. But if you really wanted it to not go as long as it does, he could have this warm up guy say, hey guys, we could cheer him on. But as soon as he lands on his mark, let's bring it down. I have to say it once. That's a reason. That's why I often question people's intentions, not on what they believe, but what they're selling and why. Okay, I'm going to be giving you a standing ovation and say as many things as you can to kind of stop me, but you really want to keep me going. Sounds like you just want me to talk long and then just so you could shut me up. No. I'm going to be clapping. Yeah. And thank you very much. Thank you. Yes. We got our tone down in a second. Amazing. All right. Let's get into it. Thank you. No more. Thank you. So that was good. Like I felt that it was time for me to stop. Like you were mad at me suddenly. That's what you always want the audience to feel your shows, right? Like they're a little mad at you. You're mad at me. You gotta just stand up more than once every other month. They do not want them to feel that way. In fact, they don't want to even remember that you are feeling negative toward anything unless that is your point of view that you know, like you're not trying to, it's not a game. It's not like a, I got a number. I'll probably wait a week to text her. And then when I do text her and she texts me back, I'll be like, who is this? This is what I've been doing in my sets, like how I interact with the audience or how to treat the audience. This is a regular size can, by the way. My hands are just big. But why is your dick so small? So this is what it's like when I just stand up. I go, hey, hey, everybody, how you feeling tonight? Oh, okay. You hated that one. Wow. Weird vibe in the room tonight. Fuck you guys. Where are you guys from from out of town? I do not get what's going on right now. Did you guys not come to laugh? Everyone's sitting with their arms fucking crossed. This sucks for me. I hate it here. I hate you guys. This room is really weird. The vibes in here are bad. That's all the time I got. Fuck you guys. Good night. Hey, man. I love Sad Tyra and I love the message underneath it. A lot of times a comedian or performer is going to project their insecurities on the audience. So what kind of stuff do you say? I say things like, how you guys feeling tonight? Does everybody's mom and dad like you and your siblings equally? Yeah. Hell yeah. I'll sometimes ask how they're doing and separate the audience for people that, and it is not fully inclusive, but it's just kind of old school. Sure. Into the, the, the guys and the girls. And I asked to see you separate them. Like girls over here, guys over here. I have everyone get up. I have the girls going to one side of the room, the guys go inside the room. And if they don't want to, they could say where they are. And I then ask how just the left side of the room is doing or is that like to refer to them? The girls. Yeah. And I'll do it like this. And like, then I'll have the guys go. And whatever, like, however loud they are. Yeah. Is where like, this is the, the applause meter. Yeah. And whoever is allowed is just kind of to create some friendly competition between everybody. Like battle of the sexes. That's awesome. Yeah. At summer camp, we used to go just, I don't know why, I guess it's like a icebreaker. All the kids get all the kids in on the first day. I'd be like, Hey, if you like peanut butter jelly sandwich, go to this side of the room. If you like egg sounds, how much go to this side of the room? And kids would be separating, like, you like this? You like that? That's crazy. Getting to know each other. You know, juah de v. That's what the French call it. Juah de v. Juah de v. Juah de v. Juah de v. Juah de v. A joah de v. A joah de v. Hmm. Did you just see something tasting? I have to be so bad. Scranty couch. I got a blanket. Speaking of summer camp, one year. When did you go pee? Okay, but can I tell you say something first? What do you guys think? Should we better say something? Okay. Come on. You do better than that. Okay. So one year in summer camp, some, um, we had like a talent show and some kids went up on the stage and had a contest to see who could piss on the stage faster. And they put a tarp down and they got in big trouble. Whoa. But it's kind of amazing. Like for you to stand up in front of like 200 people and piss yourself. It's, it's interesting because it really is a talent of, of vulnerability and something that we could offer like something to be. You know what I imagine when I really have to, do you ever have to like really pee and you can't like you're like you, you, you, you didn't know if you did all of your pee. And so you have to think about if you did all of your your pee and really try to relax and have all of your pee come out. I think about that there's like a bird bath and there's, it's a bowl like this and it has a hole in the bottom and the water is draining out the bottom of the bottom. I have to imagine that so that I can do on my pee. Yeah. Do you have to imagine anything or pee just comes natural to you? Well, sometimes I have to pee a lot and like I'm not home or I can't go to the bathroom and I'll be there in a minute. I actually try as hard as I can to make myself believe I won't be able to get to the bathroom for five minutes. Oh, that's a really good idea because you know, I had a drama teacher that we call that horse instable syndrome. She said like if we got up and we were performing a speech or a monologue, if you feel that you're at the end of your thing that you'd start talking faster and like we try to finish it. Quite the opposite when you're running a race and you're getting to the end and you kind of slow yourself down just the last step, but you don't, don't slow down until you cross the finish line. Yeah, don't do that. Yeah. I used to do baton races in track. Good. You ever do that? No, I was too poor growing up. Too poor to afford a little stick to run with your friends? After school, I had to go and work my job at the nursery, the plant nursery. Can I tell you something? I used to drink a lot and the reason I used to drink a lot is because I had, I used to work, I was a, I worked at a nursery like a plant nursery and I had to get there, but I don't remember like seven something like early and I wouldn't usually work full days. I would usually work half days. Okay. But one summer, one of the people left and I had to work full days, four days a week, and I would come home and I would be stressed and I'd be dirty and I just sometimes needed a crack and nice mic hard lemonade unwind. I would watch books. Luke's cut. So you said mic hard lemonade. Let's take it again. I used to work at a nursery. I had to wake up early. We can just do a pick-up of the last shot. So I wanted to look up to the camera and you'll just say and I would crack a, and I was so stressed. So I would get home and I would, and I was stressed and I would, I just had to get the unwind part out, don't I? Oh, sure. I was so stressed and needed an unwind and the only way I could do it was to crack a nice mic hard lemonade to drink responsibly. Oh, cut. So you were kind of grimacing a little bit before you tasted it. Have you had this drink before? No, I don't really like this kind of stuff. Have you had it before though? No. Because mic hard is actually really good in refreshing. Mic hard is actually really good in refreshing. How do you figure? It's probably just another disgusting alcoholic drink that I only do to get the buzz. It's not true Rick. The lemons are picked fresh from the lemon tree every morning, and the mix with the, and the mix with the, and the mix. with the best of the most kind La Croix that you could ever imagine from the Supermarket. Mix the two and you have a fresh engulfed sensation that could only be for party. Oh right. So I wasn't able to do a sport. I got a growing up. Someone I was a kid. Sorry. Actually, I did track and field, but I wasn't actually part of the team. So I just got to run around behind the kids and actually pay my fees to be a part of it. So I didn't get to wear the pinier. Sorry. When I was in middle school. I had a work as a person who when they were down to the track and field, I was the guy who picked up their piss and their shit. I was like, going into the party and they were taking glass, but instead of drinking glass, I realized I actually can't run because I ran home so fast. It just got me Do you think you do a better peter graphene impression or lowest graphene impression? Hi, Pena. Hi. Pee the lowest was better. Oh, then. What is it? What does it really mean? Billy Borley? Billy Borley, the chicken moon. I don't love that. I don't love that of Stiff his back is we give it. No, I know. I know he's a dog and he doesn't know. Just lifting up. No, I'm okay now. It's just the way you lifted it up. I wasn't loving it. What up? I wasn't loving it. One of my first jokes when I started stand-up was Your face? You fucking idiot. Hey, squirmy world. Squirmy world. In the city. We check to make sure she's in focus. Layin' down and lookin' pretty. Boom, boom, boom, boom, chicken, chicken, chicken dinner. How's it feel to be on so many TV shows now? Do I sound like Adam Sandler? I tried. I couldn't find it. I just want to get like the beat. I wouldn't ever confuse you for him, but I see how that happens. I wouldn't know shorts. Except for you. Not as funny. What? What are you doing? I don't know. Sorry. I came back from the bathroom with a little bit of attitude. Yeah. You went to the bathroom a little bit of attitude, too. Okay, sorry. What was it that you told me recently about you think about something I told you when you pee about friends? Well, I think it was one of the first times I was on this podcast. I had to go pee in the middle of it and then I tried to really rush through my pee and I've noticed I do that a lot when something fun's going on that I'm having a good time. I don't do all my pee because I'm so desperate to get back to the fun and you said don't do that. You should always do all your pee. And so I have your voice in my hands sometimes when I'm doing all my pee. It's something to remember, too, like when you're thinking about like thinking about the bird bath. Alvin, I'm kind of begging this off. Oh, he learned something. He learned from his father, the pug. Can I just want to go in your own private spot for that? Alvin, come here, bud. Come here. Come on. Here's a boy. Can I ask you a real question? Yeah. What's your favorite one of your favorite shows that you've been on in the past year? Not that came out the best or could have, but like doing it, you're like, I want to do that again because of how like the good time that you had doing it. It's not to say that the other ones weren't really good. Jury duty is always most fun to me because it's just nothing like it and you shoot it in real time and you and I got to do it for hours and say whatever I wanted and that's there's nothing better than getting to say whatever you want. When you have to do everything else is memorizing lines. When you have to go poop on that show, do they say the up to K get 10 to or do they say they have to take a jury duty? That's funny. I like you stuff. No, no, no, you've got it. I run a commercial talent agency for children and I've never wrapped an adult man, but I think you might be the perfect one for it because you're tall. You do look like a man, but your attitude is very playful and very young and I think you do well in an Orioles commercial. What do you think about that? Too sweet for an Oreo or just sweet enough? We think. I think just sweet enough. That would be great. Now do you want me to ask your mommy and daddy if you can be part of it or do you think that's something you can give yourself consent for? Let me give them a call. I think I would love for them to sign off on it. Okay. Who are we going to call your mommy or dad or ghost busters? Who are we going to call? That riff gets stuck in my head a lot and I'm upset that I'm upset. What's daddy mommy? Hello? Mom, I have a question for you. Hi, it's Rick. Oh, really? Oh, okay. Hi, it's mom. So if I were to do a commercial and I would make so much money that when I went to the bank, both of my pockets were literally double stuffed with cash. What would you say about that? Would you say you were interested in what that commercial might be? I would say I'm interested in what the commercial might be and I would say how much money is in that pocket. So I am actually with somebody who runs a commercial agency and I don't know if she's joking or serious, but she thinks that would be good in an Oreo commercial and she normally works just with Oreo commercial and she normally works with just children. So she's used to asking their parents and she was going to pitch it to you and ask you if it's okay if I do an Oreo commercial. I just want you to know I need you to be as honest and serious as possible because if this is real, I don't want to make a joke out of this. Okay. So whatever she asks, I don't know. How do I know it's real? I don't for sure. And if it's not, it doesn't matter, but if it is, I kind of don't want to blow it. Okay. So let me talk to the person. Sue Ann. Hello. Hello. Hi. I'm sorry. Could you hear her, Mom? Hello. Can you hear me? Yeah. Very, very faintly, but I can hear you. Hi. Is this better, Mom? I have this. Is that better? Okay. Just, yeah. Let's try. Hi. Hi there. I'm just met your son, Rick. Is it any cute? Yes. Well, it's funny because I actually have a commercial talent agency and I do Rick's right. I do primarily represent kids. And this Oreo spot is not by any means a role for a kid that I'd be considering him for. But anyways, we're just talking about it. I'm not signing any sort of official contract with him now, but yeah, I guess we're just having fun. But do you, I guess, do you think he'd be any good in a commercial spot? Okay. But if I say this, you're going to think I'm talking as a mother and I am partly, but two thing. One, I can't imagine Ricky not being able to sell anything. And two, we all love Oreo. So how could you not be good in an Oreo commercial? Seriously? Is that true? Do the whole family love Oreo? This is sick. Really? I love them. You see now my husband loves the really thin ones and ones that have the little bit of cream. I'm obsessed with the double cream. As a matter of fact, sometimes I put double creams together. We love Oreo. So how could anyone? I mean, anyone in the world not be able to do an Oreo commercial number one. And number two, we love them. And number three, if you usually work with children, Ricky's phenomenal, plus he's a little immature. So you scored a got both worlds. Well, hey, I'm sold. That's incredible. Honestly. Yeah. I mean, I don't just do Oreos. I do. I'm working right now with Cheerios. Kind of all the, I love Cheerios. And Cheerios has one that has a strawberry flavor. Yeah, that's right. They're actually, I'm working on a campaign with them. Now they're launching a St. Patrick's Day one for this coming 2027. Oh, green. Green. I love Cheerios. Great. My grandson's three and he eats them every single day. I mean, so I can do a, so we couldn't do a commercial for Cheerios. And you have a, and it's your grandson, is he a attractive little guy at all or? Oh, no, he's hideously yugly. He's the most gorgeous thing that ever. No, he's three. He's, no, he's gorgeous. Any interest on the in the commercial area, anything for him? Well, I don't know if this is a joke or not, but I'm sure his mother would love it. Oh, okay. Well, put me in touch, please. Mom, mom, mom, it sounds like you're, I know that you're very good at selling this kind of stuff. And pardon me. So I'm putting you in the spot. No, no worries. Is there, is it possibly get my mom commercializations? Is there anything like, do you have any things that you could like, if she could do not a real audition, but any suggestions that she can maybe do something and show you if she's good enough to sell a product? How about here, here would be the perfect commercial for me. Just plot me down in a chair, eating Oreos. I don't even have to speak. I would just be um yum. Oh, I would just be moaning and groaning. Okay. All right. All right. You know, we are actually doing a lot of boots on the ground kind of Oreo work that's not scripted per se. I think a lot of actual, you know, corporations are moving away from that because they want influencers. They want, you know, genuine responses, candid responses. So, you know, I mean, it's not even outside the realm of possibility. So, I think that is a great idea. Can I tell you something that's really funny? We were watching some show and every commercial was Oreo commercial. And I kept saying, I can't believe how many Oreo commercials that's like every five minutes. And my husband said, this is no lie. He goes, now I want a bleep bleep Oreo, what was the bleep bleep, mother fucking? >> Yeah, fucking Oreo. >> Why the two bleeps? >> Because I didn't want to be rude if she's going to do a commercial with you. >> I guess what I'm guessing is what was the first bleep? >> Fucking. >> Fucking Oreo? >> No, all right, one bleep, one bleep. >> She made a mistake, give her another chance. >> You can never go wrong with Rick to sell anything and you could never go wrong with me eating and you could never go wrong with my baby doing curios. >> Could you ask Dad, is Dad there, could he do a little spot for Oreos? >> Oh, yeah, I mean, God, if you think I'm obnoxious, wait a second. >> Just tell him that we're not doing a commercial thing or being silly, but it is serious. Because we might be able to do a family Oreo. We could maybe sell a family Oreo commercial. >> I know, I think you're pulling my leg though. >> Baby. >> I don't know what the joke could even be. >> I'm on the phone with Ricky, who's on the phone with a commercial agent about doing a commercial for you. >> I'll explain it, I'll explain it. >> My hold on. >> Okay, I'm here. >> Hey, Dad, so this could be silly, but this is also like, I might be able to do this Oreo commercial and I was pitching maybe doing something with my family. Because they said, do you like Oreos? Does anybody you know Oreos? I'm like, my dad loves Oreos. I know my family loves Oreos. Is there anything? I don't want to put you on the spot too much, but make up. If this was a podcast ad or something, but how would you sell Oreos in 60 seconds, but be sincere? Sue An, could you hear us? >> Yeah, I can hear you. >> Go ahead. >> Are you asking me or her, I'm sorry. >> I'm sorry, I was just making sure that they could hear you. You go ahead, Dad, whenever you're ready, 60 seconds on some Oreos. >> You didn't get much to think about. Introduce yourself first. Talk about how you like them, why you like them, what kinds you like, where you get them, where you eat them, and why. >> My name is Steve Glassman. I've been eating Oreos all my life. They go with everything. I love the thin Oreos. I love the golden Oreos. And of course, I love the famous chocolate Oreos. I like to eat my Oreos by pulling them apart and eating the vanilla filling first. I know there's a lot of debate about that going on, but I find that it's the best. I pull it apart. I eat the top cookie first with no cream. And then I lick the cream off the bottom and eat the second cookie. And it's tremendous. I don't dip Oreos. I know that people love to dip them, but I'm not a big milk guy. So I eat my Oreos with root beer. >> Wow, incredible. Rick, your family is very interesting. This is awesome. >> Dad, it's funny that you say that because I remember mom used to say when we were supposed to leave cookies in milk for Santa, that we left Oreos and root beer. That's like -- >> Right. >> Is that a coincidence? >> No, because mom knew there was -- >> Leave an applause. >> Well, that is a leave. >> I will come in. >> Yes. >> Well, actually, she still thinks leave an applause, but I knew leave Santa Claus. >> My dad's the man. >> I used to put them in your stocking, Rickie. Tell her that. >> Yeah, they used to put Oreos in legos and restockings. >> I used to put those little six packs in your stocking. >> I love Oreos. >> Oh, no, that's right. >> I eat them every day. I eat my Oreos very slowly. I eat all my treats because I liked them the last for a long time. >> He does. You know, he eats a jelly bean and two bites. >> That's true. >> Three sometimes. >> All right. Anything you want to plug? >> I'll be in London in August 24th. Come see me. >> All right. Bye, Daddy. >> All right. >> I'll let you know if this happens. It's a long shot. Thank you. Bye. >> You're having so much fun, huh? >> Dude, when I go and visit them, all we do. Is laugh and eat stuff. >> It's awesome. >> It's the best. It's the best. I would love to do commercials with my dad. Is there anything you could do? So I can do commercials with my parents. >> Yeah. I don't think about it. Do you wear old Navy at all? >> I am. If the money's good. >> Yeah. You'll wear anything. >> If the money's good and it fits me well. >> Okay. >> And one thing I can't say about old Navy, even if I don't love all their styles, everything fits off the rack. And it's affordable. >> Come here. Give me a little monkey butter. >> You know how that girl saying the doctor pepper jingle and it went viral and then you got to commercial out of it? >> Yeah. >> I wonder if Oreos will see this and they'll just start fucking throwing money at us. >> Maybe they need a jingle. >> Oh, yeah. >> Yeah. >> Oh, yeah. >> I miss the day. I used to have a little rio. >> Oh, yeah. >> I miss the day. >> I used to have a little rio. >> I remember the day. I know what the most impressive thing has been in the world. It's worse from others. Go ahead. I bet it's something like Hmm Maybe something like I bet more people has done a impression of a fart than a Michael Jackson without it I thought we were talking about or a real people, but yes or without a doubt fart being the most impressioned impression. Do you think? Yeah? Yeah of all time. Yeah What about so that just sounds I guess any sound? Yeah, any or what about this We're chirping no way be that more but I'm just saying there's a lot of mommies out there that probably haven't done fart noise I'm picturing some dignified mothers in different countries. Yeah, obviously specifically Egypt If you're referring to the mommies the mommies right and they have their mouths kind of I think a lot of people did I'll be back I think that was a big one not even close to fart not close to fart, but I was comparing it to Michael Jackson Trump I mean, not enough people can do a Trump impression, but everybody thinks they can do a Trump impression. Everyone's tried at least everyone Even a dignified Mommy Mommy Has closed the door in the bathroom and looked in the mirror and gone Everything right and they invited me She just tried it just for one second and then she goes I can't All right, I think there's probably everybody's kind of secretly tried even if you've never done it in front of anyone you've tried yourself That's Let us know in the comments if you've literally never tried a Trump impression and I don't believe you And also let us know in the comment if you have tried in Trump impression If you've done that more than Arnold Schwarzenegger and anything and let us know what what the way you like to eat your Oreo is Mm-hmm And if you prefer your or with extra pro your Cheerios with extra protein or not You know the way they just put protein in a cell phone up by in there You know it's something that really bothers me when you um are standing and you're talking to someone and then a new person comes in the group and you go like Oh, you go like oh McCone, this is Rick and then I don't know that you guys know each other and you start going oh yeah, yeah, hi nice to meet you That really fucking pisses me off. I go just say oh yeah, we know we know we know each other for a long time You know to do the whole bit in front of me make you feel like an absolute buffoonery at the party Interesting maybe feel like a asshole sounds like you could dish up, but you can't take it But well, I was just trying to do something nice connect to people I don't want anyone to feel awkward now everyone's gonna do egg on my face the big egg on my face parade I said that I have big hands because of this bottle and then all you kept talking about is how little my little stupid fucking deck was Well, that's a can not a bottle proves your brains just as small as your day Did I say bottle just now yeah, I said this is a small bottle. Yeah, you did It's your little baby and all you want to do is suck on a bottle Well, yeah, it wasn't breastfed long enough. It's exactly what I'm saying I have a lot of as you refer to them as nutrient deficiencies itchy skin stuff Mm-hmm. No, okay. Hey, it's okay Don't go It's okay. I bet you'll scratch something before I do No, you know you won't bet it or no you won't do it whoever scratches anything This He just scratched. No, that's a wipe whoever scratches has to give the other person an itch Yeah, fine. Oh, now I'm suddenly so itchy. I'm like my neck my hair around my neck. I want to scratch the back You're thick because you think hair because maybe you didn't get enough nutrients because I got so much nutrients my hair is too thick to even manage Hmm , oh, oh, hmm No Do you think really hard and I'll I'll be your thoughts On a pretend I was squishing grapes make mine I still think clean my laundry. Oh, then then I added soap that was on top of the piss. I didn't add any more water Stinky piggy little Ricky. I'm always thinking of I remember now I kept my laundry in my pocket. Mm-hmm. Oh, and that's not a blanket at statement Yep, I've officially done it Now you be my voice Don't remember Was it pig skin or leather balm? My grandfather's collection of potted rams Little tiny pictures that showed where I came from But the house burned down Oh, my grandmother doesn't know is my poopies poopies I poopies I poopies But I wake up I drink a full glass of water. I do 20 jumping jacks. I sit on my toilet I pull up that thing where you step on a squatty potty and I Unleash the bees Sometimes my poop comes out of the water But usually when that happens, it's not because it's a big snake. That's kind of just a big thick mound And when I have a mound of shit We all have a mound of shit Nice. Thanks. You go now. I'll talk. I did that already No, but you did it in those thoughts and then when I started talking you stopped it. Okay. I'll do it. Thanks. Okay. What's your camera? Hi, I'm Rick Glassman and I only eat big old cock-a-duty for breakfast every morning Big old stinky old cock-a-duty down my mouth and into my butt and out my mouth again I'm Ricky Dickey Glassman Cheers Nice Wow, I'll tell you something and I've told you this nine times before But the ring came off my pudding can So I'd like for you to take my pen knife my good man I swear it's Springfield's only choice. Throw up your hands and raise your voice monorail monorail monorail Conan O'Brien wrote that Now when it says written by Conan O'Brien on an episode of The Simpsons, it means it I've been in this business long enough to know that they kind of all write them together. Of course So friends are four Did they? I mean, I know it probably goes through a lot of different drafts, a lot of different people. Yeah, so like I wonder And it was like yeah, but I like Did Conan write the actual music for that song? Don't you know no he didn't compose the music probably He just made the rhyme scheme and then the music I made the you think they made the rhyme scheme before the music yeah I think they wrote funny lyrics and then they sent it to the music man and he put it to music Hmm music man. Hold on John It's nine o'clock on a Saturday I'm sitting at the crusty old crab and Moe and Marge and Lisa and Bart are coming whatever they can Yeah, it's Billy Joel, but yeah Sorry, you're the one who said I know I know I wasn't correcting you When the weight of the world has got you down and you want to end your life Bills to pay a dead-end job problems with the wife. Hey, don't throw in the talc as there's a place right down the block You can drink your misery away That flaming mobs let's all go to flame in liquor in a mug Go warm you like a hug Happiness is just a flaming moe away Happiness is just a flaming moe You go moe away Happiness is just a flaming moe away Yes Wow, I didn't know about that song. Mm-hmm flaming moes. It's when he realized you could put like cough syrup or something in your Because there's patty and salmose drink patty and salmose drink right and they and they kind of Made it to like it was an alcoholic drink and you would light it on fire Homer made it and then Moe took credit for it and Homer was jealous Do that put for Donald Duck [BLANK_AUDIO] You got hired because they were into the rush thing and you just do voices and you can do some kind of Donald Duck and then you're in there in the booth and like then you have to do something. What would you do? Like you had like it's a job. How? And they actually they hired me to play a duck or they hired me to play Donald Duck. But like the thing is more important than sounding like Donald Duck, which is very important is that we understand you. Oh, okay. We have to understand you. Okay. What's the line? Please, fill my Oreos, fill my, my bowl up as many Oreos as you can. I'm just practicing it. [laughs] [laughs] [laughs] [laughs] [laughs] [laughs] Can you animate that? [laughs] Can you, Donald Duck, really saying it? Is that illegal? We'll see what we can do. Should be parody. It's parody law. Oh, I'm not talking about legally. I'm just saying. Sorry. No, she's not asking, are we legally allowed to do that? She's asking if Tom will animate it. [laughs] [laughs] [laughs] [laughs] Can you, can you, I'll be Donald Duck and you be Huey, Louis, and Dewey. Is that all the same family? Yeah. From the ducks. No ducks. But they're all like. Do they talk like him? Yeah, of course. They're all family. There is nephews. Okay. There's nephews. I'm asking what they sound like. I can't picture what they sound like. On this episode of Donald Duck and the Huey, Dewey, Louis, and crew, the gang is trying to decide if the kids are ready to go back to school. [laughs] You said we have, you said the most important thing is that we cannot. [laughs] Come on, come on, dad. Can't we start school tomorrow, which dad? [laughs] No. [laughs] Okay. [laughs] Okay. [laughs] Okay, fine. Sometimes it's there, it's good and it comes out. I can hear it. I can hear it and buried it. Yeah. Sometimes you're doing it. Are you guys both Donald? I'm Donald. But I'm not. The kids sound normal. Ben Schwartz is the voice of one of the kids. The kids have normal voices. Scrooge. Uncle Scrooge has a normal voice. That Scrooge is a normal voice. Scrooge is like, hello on the Scrooge. No. It's a duck. They all have Donald's on the talk's weird. Why? I haven't a Donald. Donald is the only one that talks like that. So you're kidding me. Donald's like-- I'm just lying. And then the kids are like, good morning uncle. I don't remember the kids, but I do know all the other ducks. Scrooge make duck and-- Scrooge is like a British accent. But they all speak like normal. You know, he dives into his gold coins and stuff and duck tails. Who knows? He doesn't have a-- He doesn't talk like Donald, does he? No, they all talk normal other than Donald. But-- You're more than Donald. I don't know, man, but-- I don't know if it's explained, but-- We don't need to get into that or that. Thank you. I'm not a quack. You better shut your quack. That was better. That was better. That was better. You're getting there. I'm not a quack. You're a quack. That was better. That was better. I'm not a quack. That was better. That was better. That was better. That was better. I don't remember what the Crip Cup keeper sauna like. I'm getting better at it. Sorry, sorry Rick. I'm sorry. I couldn't guess it. I don't know you got them all right. Oh, okay, who's these are duck except for the turtles. They were all green who's this Arnold Ducanator. Yeah Who's this? Destiny's Duck. Destiny's Duck. Duck, Ducanastee. That's the song they played in Ducanastee. Scrub is a guy who thinks he's fine. He's also known as we've talked about this on the show because I thought it was also known as a bus driver. Oh, I don't know we're talking about this. It's a buster. I always thought it was also known as a bus driver. You also used to think the delicatessen met something really wonderful. Yeah, I still kind of do. I understand now that it means a place where meat is so. I also the word, you know how deli is short for delicatessen. I do. I just learned this year that delicatessen isn't like the most fabulous word you could use to describe something like I thought delicatessen and like the word luxurious or like the same word. So someone had like a diamond because I'd be like extremely delicatessen. Yeah, no, I get that because something about a delicatessen. Delicatessen. Are you kidding? That's the most scrumptious word we have. Yeah. And what does it mean? Just you just find that out really literally this year. I said something something and I say a lot of stupid bullshit. So I think a lot of people just are like, oh, just to think people don't know if I'm joking or not. But like sometimes I'm deadly serious that I thought delicatessen was the most beautiful word we have. Yeah, I get that. And then and then someone told me like, that's just what deli is. I was like deli and delicatessen are the same word. Hey, your socks are the same color as a popsicle. I like mind if I suck. So show show the bottom of your socks. Oh, I thought you were saying that we were counting to the popsicle. Like you guys know that kind of popsicle. Yes. Yeah. And it looks like a spaceship and the rock pop up pillars. Yes. Yes. Groups in the anyways, well, this has been fun. Thanks man. I don't know how long we've been talking. Has it been a long time? I feel we did duck voice for at least two and a half hours. This was so fun. But there's going to be a whole chapter of this that people can't listen to. Just making it sounds, especially you were especially bad. I always am. You're rotten to the core Ricky Rick stink man stinker. You know, Lisa. When I first met you at Whitney Cummings home. And we did a little bit of some improv. Sure. And I invited you over and I said, I would love you to do my podcast. At that time, I had no idea that I would I was basically meeting the next big thing. And you know, I'm talking about right, of course. Yeah. Now it's been. God. You've been knows, right? Something like. There's something. Yeah, we've got older. Not as fast as we used to. No, we're not. The knees don't work as well as they used to. We fart more. Yeah. And our eyes aren't as good. Yeah. And our tongues fall out of our mouths and our hair is falling out of the back of our heads. But the truth is. Yeah. I forget the way it is very. (laughs) So what do you guys think? - Yeah, did we do it? - No, I'm asking like, do you have anybody in your life that? - It's unquackable. Unforquackable. Unforquackable. (imitates squawking) (imitates squawking) (imitates squawking) (imitates squawking) (imitates squawking) - I can hear the souls of a thousand bucks inside of you. It's like, wow, it really is like you eat and souls and I can hear, I can hear a course of like 10 different people. Men, women, children, ducks, horses, pigs, like they're all coming out of you at once. It's crazy. Well, for the only way for all of those things to come out of me at once. - They had to get in somehow. Oreo, oh, oh, oh, whoa. - Oreo. - Oreo, cookie, mm. - I wanna take these off for a moment. I wanna end with one of my favorite jingles. (imitates squawking) Red, Robin. Red. - My voice is cracking one second. I could do it. Yum. Do you know how to do it? - I've never heard that, but I'll do what you just did. - Red, Robin. - Yum. - No, it's hum. In my world, I do hum. - Okay. They have a-- - You just scratched your mustache. - I wiped the water off. - I can't win with this guy. He makes the own rules of his own universe. Is that a little bug on your arm? - Do you just fart? This is a stupid joke. (laughs) - You just fart as it's just that stupid joke that stinks. What's a bug on my arm, what do you mean? - I feel it right where the curse is. - Will the crevice? - Yeah. - Yum, yum, yum, yum. - It looks like you just scratched. - No, you saw what I did. I just touched. - Yeah, I was the-- - A touch is not a scratch. A dream is not a wish. A hope is not a kiss. ♪ A dream is a wish your heart makes ♪ ♪ When you're fast asleep ♪ - Do you know the next part? - And if you only think you're dreaming, you won't wake up screaming. ♪ 'Cause you know that the dream is coming ♪ (laughs) ♪ Do ♪ ♪ Blabbery blue ♪ ♪ Scoop, ding ♪ ♪ Oh yeah! ♪ (laughs)