Like An Evil Onion - Whitewater, Colorado

This week, in Whitewater, Colorado, a brutally murdered man sparks an investigation that shows that someone may have been after him for a while, even trying to blow up his car weeks before, but a threatening note to his widow blows the case wide open. Welcome to Small Town Murder. Hello, everybody, and welcome back to Small Town Murder. Yay! Yay, indeed, Jimmy. Yay, indeed. My name is James Petrigallo. I'm here with my co-host. I'm Jimmy Wissman. Thank you, folks, so much for joining us today on another absolutely crazy, trust me, edition of Small Town Murder. I believe it. Not that we, you know, ever not, we don't ever deliver a non-crazy one, you know. There's so much murder to choose. Half-assed, mailed in. Just mailed in. This one, yeah, not taking a whole lot, you know, a whole lot of care with this one. Not real interesting, and we just threw it together, so here it is. We're busy this week. We're real busy. No, crazy story coming up. We will get to that. 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Then you're going to get new ones every other week. One Crime in Sports, one Small Town Murder, and you get them all. That's it. This week, what you're going to get for Crime in Sports, we're going to talk about Hostage. We're going to talk about Hostage situations, which we did the Stockholm one, and it's so interesting, the dynamics that go on in a hostage breakdown. So we're really going to check that out. Then for Small Town Murder, Corey Richens, part three. Her sentencing happened, and it wasn't just a mere sentencing. Her kids' statements came in, which contradict everything she said happened that night. They talk about being forced to eat uncooked lasagna and all this crazy stuff from her, and then she does an allocution. That's crazy, too. So it's wild. Corey Richens. Yeah, she is. Corey Richens, part three. So that's patreon.com slash crime in sports. And on top of all of that, you get all the shows we put out. Crime in Sports, Your Stupid Opinion, Small Town Murder, all ad-free with your Patreon. And ad-free. Oh, wait, there's more. There's more, Jimmy. What's that? Oh, on top of that, you get a shout-out at the end of the show, where Jimmy will try his hardest to pronounce your name correctly. And if it's Malachi, he'll get it right, as we found out from Your Stupid Opinions, whereas I will call you out. I will call you out. I will call you Malachi. So there you go. That said, disclaimer time. This is a comedy show. Sure is. We're comedians. People are going to die because the show's called Small Town Murder, and we're going to make jokes. Well, how do those things go together? Real easily. Real easily. Here's how we do it. We don't make fun of the victims or the victims' families. Why? Because we're assholes. But. But we're not scumbags. See how that works? It's real simple like that. There's plenty to make fun of, a bumbling police force that lets a murderer go free making fun of a murderer. That's fun. Maybe some small town festival we'll pick on or something. That's where the comedy lies. It's all good. So do that. Keep coming back. But here's the deal. If you think true crime and comedy should never go together, maybe we're not for you, but probably we are, I think. You should check it out. Either way, no complaining later. And that said, I think it's time to sit back, everybody. Clear the lungs here. And let's all shout. Shut up. And give me murder. Let's go on a trip. Let's do this. We've got to, yeah. We have to. We're going to Colorado, which we're never mad at going to. God, it's amazing. We like it. Loved our Denver show there. Man, that was a great night. Just terrific. This is Whitewater, Colorado, which seems like, you know, just a. On the river? A term for rafting here. But it's Whitewater, Colorado, North Central Colorado it is. It's about four hours to Denver. Yeah. So it's not close. Oh, my fuck. It's almost Wyoming. Yeah, because it's kind of northwest a little bit, but central. Oh, west. And then, I don't know if it's west. And then it's another four and a half hours to Salt Lake City, if you want to go the other direction. So it's nowhere near anything, essentially. What the fuck? Five hours to Greeley, Colorado, our last Colorado episode, episode 663. Sorry, I saw the title and laughed. The Panty Sniffing Wife Killer. See why that made me laugh. This is it. Very Greeley. Very Greeley. This is it. That's what a lot of people said when that came out, too. It's such a gross place. Such a Greeley type of crime. This is in Mesa County, up in the high ground there. And this is like 4,800 feet elevation up in this area. It's pretty high. Area code 970. Now, for history, I'm going to do some urban legends or some rural legends that are nearby here as we'll get to the history. Yeah, urban. My ass. Yeah, not a lot of urban anything around here. One is the Ute Curse. Or the Grand Valley Curse, they call it. It's the most famous local legend. I guess when the Ute people were forcibly removed from the Grand Valley in 1881 and moved into reservations. See, there'd be history mixed in with these. They supposedly placed a curse on the land and the settlers there. The curse dooms anyone who lives in the valley, especially natives, apparently. If you go there, then you're a sellout. No matter how far they go or how successful they become elsewhere. If you go there, that's what you do. What happens? You're cursed. You're cursed. I don't know what that entails, but you're cursed. Do you spit your guts out or do you just lose everything? Your dick doesn't get as hard as you really want it to. Maybe it's just small annoyances. That'd be the best curse to put on someone, by the way. Never mind anything big. They're kids dying. Small annoyances. You always get booked in a hotel room far from the desk. Yeah. And every time you get there. Yeah. Your card key doesn't work. It doesn't work. And you have to go all the way down 14 floors. You have to do all of that. Yeah. Little shit like that, I feel like, would be the most annoying to human beings. The guy in front of you, every time the light turns green, he waits eight seconds to go. Every time, no matter where you are. Like, that's a curse to me. Yeah. It's way worse than anything else. Horrible. Guac is never free. Never. Always. Always two bucks, too. Not even 75 cents. Two bucks. They never make a mistake. If you make a mistake and you get something free, they always charge you double for something. Always. I only got two drinks. I only got one drink. Oh, and I didn't even order this kind. Perfect. And I got charged twice for it. That's a curse. That's what I mean. Minor annoyances. That'll drive somebody crazy. They'll lose their fucking mind. Every time you go for a soda, it's always Orange Crush. Always. I don't want that. I mean, sometimes. Once in a while. But not every day. From time to time. Not every day. Yeah. So, there's another one. The Grand Mesa Thunderbirds. Uh-huh. Ute legend holds it that giant thunderbirds, massive eagle-like birds, once lived atop Grand Mesa, and these powerful creatures ruled the skies, and the thunderbirds attacked a Ute village and carried off children, which they'd have to be some pretty big birds to carry off a child. A thunderbird never existed, right? No, I don't think so. I don't think so. I think it's legend. An eagle can't carry off a Pomeranian, so it has to be something here. That's a big-ass eagle. Very big. In one of these legends, a warrior disguised himself as a tree, I don't know how you do that, climbed to the nest and avenged the village by throwing the thunderbird eggs off the cliff. Oh! And in revenge or for battle, the birds tore apart a giant serpent, pieces falling created the many lakes of the Grand Mesa. This is a legend that goes on here. People would believe anything about that. Yeah. Anything. Anything. Anything. And there's also a legend that goes on here. There's a lot of ghosts. The horse thief canyon lady, a woman in a long white dress appears after dark. Downtown Grand Junction has a bunch of buildings that report ghosts and things like that. So they're kind of getting off on this a little bit. Like in Widow's Bay, which you finally watched, thank you, when they're saying, you know, you want to be Salem, you want to be Nantucket, I get it. Like, you need to draw people with some weird shit because there's not really enough to draw them in otherwise. Reviews of this town, not a lot of them to find. There is not a lot of people here. Here is four stars. ours and it says it's peaceful it's a great place to live if you want a couple of acres of elbow room if you want to walk four hours from any city anywhere this is everything is super rural too like all the houses are just there's nothing around them at all like it's just this flat ground it's just oh it's flat too there's a lot of flat and there's like you know mountains in the distance and shit but it's here it's it doesn't look too great that's the area of colorado that's booming right now because there's all the mountains are taken and so people are going east but they're finding east it's fucking it's nothing here flat it's yeah there's nothing here that's where everybody with money is going though like parker and shit and it's flat bullshit and yellow yeah that's everything here everything's dead all dead grass looks like a rose it says if you want to walk across the street to buy a soda look elsewhere the nearest gas station or grocery store is six miles away from this house it's a long walk it's a long walk and then finally uh this one's one star education question mark question mark there are zero schools in this area the nearest school is 10 plus miles away that's a grade school the nearest middle school is over 15 miles away and the nearest high school is over 30 miles away and it's about an hour bus ride for the kids every day wow jesus christ even in the old west they'd stick a schoolhouse up once in a while when there'd be a town i mean put some shit in there you gotta be up at four in the morning to go to school that's crazy now here's the people stats this is for there's no stats for like the town this is for the zip code of 81527 so that encompasses the town and a bunch of nothing around it basically the population in this area is 1975 it's more like 500 in whitewater kind of proper there um it is more men than women i assume there's a like outdoor jobs and shit going on must be 53.1 percent men and i'm not saying that's a lot of men but i'm not saying that's a lot of men but i'm not saying that's a lot of men but i'm never see that unless it's like a logging town or something uh median age here older too 51.3 much older than the national average so that's pretty old uh it is 71.6 percent married which i don't know if the courthouse is just too far away to go file paperwork maybe i'm not sure it's gotta be it's gotta be closer than a half hour away like well i'd like to divorce you but that's about an hour and a half ride to that courthouse and i don't think so i don't hate you that much is this even on the river whitewater i don't think it's like on the river on the river because even in like the things to do i don't see a lot of rafting no as things to do no um as we'll get to that here too uh now it has the lowest single with children rate i've ever seen 2.6 percent wow because i think a lot of people are staying together oh yeah uh and the race in this town 93.2 percent white 0.1 percent black yeah 0.1 that's a guy right that's like a one dude yeah hi hi i'm jeff yeah i'm the black population here um 0.0 percent native american i guess they did get the utes out of there holy shit no shit and that 6.6 percent hispanic so um religion is cursed i'm not coming around yeah it's cursed that's they weren't supposed to go back the curse is extra for him uh 35.7 percent of the people here are religious and it is a real mixed bag of everything i think the highest is yes at 7.2 percent so it's yeah just a few people here and there unemployment little bit high a little bit over the national average there's nowhere to go yeah it's like seven and a half percent median household income here regular rest of the country 69 000 bucks here it's 77 000 a year so they're making money doing a lot of this shit is like there's like some farms up here ranches things like that um the cost of living 100 is average here it is 99 so about average housing is not average that's high it's expensive to live up here really i mean they gotta fix colorado it's outrageous most of the properties have a shitload of land with them or at least 15 20 acres something like that so that helps our median home price here 454 100 bucks which is it's pretty high but that's steep for the middle of nowhere 10 acres that's not so bad yeah but for the middle of nowhere yeah i feel like it should be cheaper but i don't know there you go um so if we've convinced you damn it maybe you don't care if the high school's 30 miles away and you don't need a gas station anywhere near you hand that's it ranch hand well get after it if that's you everybody we have for you the whitewater colorado real estate report the average two-bedroom rental here goes for 1070 which is actually below the national average by a good amount there house number one and the way they show it it's like this flat land with this giant rock mountain behind it which is that's awesome pretty cool looking yeah it's pretty cool looking there's houses behind you too but that's also there this is a three-bedroom two-bath 1528 square feet it looks like it could use some updating maybe some shit like that um you know not perfect but nice it's on a 0.2 acre lot that's as small a lot as you're going to find in this place um this is 325 000 for this and it just had a price cut of 20 grand okay they say this home has been a high-performing airbnb and the seller is willing to share business financials with qualified buyers so you're buying an airbnb i don't know i'm not sure who's coming here to stay in an airbnb i've never even heard of this shit that's and you're you know colorado pretty well yeah um here's a three-bedroom two-bath this oh my god the 3036 square feet the house looks like a manufactured house with a metal roof and it's got one of those those corrugated steel barns that's like a you know what i mean one of those it looks like a greenhouse but made of steel it's tin tin whatever the hell it is and it is just a flat brown mess piece of shit yeah it's expansive i mean the view is like wild going down this yeah but it's not worth it on 40 acres mind you by the way uh-huh 500 000 bucks that's a deal it's if you saw this though you go well you got to build a house and it costs you another million dollars to set this up half decent 40 acres for half a million dollars is a pretty decent deal it's 40 acres of there isn't even a fucking tree here though nothing it's 40 acres of nothing of ground dead grass yellow that's all you're getting oh man and so much dirt if the wind kicks up it is a dust storm it's not good and then finally yeah yeah exactly five bedroom five bath tea bowl for each and every b-hole 4301 square feet holy also on 40 acre lots and we'll tell from this story 40 acre lots are very common here for some reason they broke it up in the 40s because our in our murder story the lot is 40 acres too that they live on there's got to be something in history that 40 acres is the right number because it's enough for a farm it's in the it's so common so yeah this is back 40 whatever yeah this is a big it's nice it's got all sorts of rock stuff it's a it's weird looking but it's not bad uh on 40 acres one million seven hundred fifty thousand dollars for that wow which seems like about what you're gonna pay for that and all that land and stuff they have a tree even this one so that's nice hey look at that a million dollar tree we got a tree for a million dollars for half a million you get no tree right yeah for extra half million gets a nicer house and a tree that's how it works uh things to do here this is the palisade bluegrass and roots festival 2026 um it'll take place actually it's taking place right now as we're speaking i think um in pal palisade palisade colorado which is the next town over i think here and their lineup here this is for on a just a booming friday we have the still house string band um the sloan ramblers s-l-o-k-a-n or c-a-n i guess that's probably somebody's name probably or a i'm not sure 5 30 magoo yeah not mr not and timberland's not with him just magoo yeah that's it um this is crazy at 7 45 daniel donato's cosmic country fuck what is this guinea doing in fucking colorado doing cosmic country yeah yeah open it just say new york style pizza they'll look at you and they'll believe it don't worry about it denver needs you my friend yeah go there uh and then at 5 and 7 p.m so playing kind of before and after is the queen bees band oh boy i don't know what that is but they seem like they're kind of like the like the roaming house band of the day they're on the covers they're on the backs the back porch stage yeah where are they they're out back on the porch all righty um these states where's that walk out the back door you know the back door be careful you'll hit them yeah that screen door swings wide so it's just let them know you're there so the stand-up bass player can move aside for you you're gonna whack one of the bees in the knee it's exactly what's gonna happen that is fucking wild and i guess they have other shit there it's friday through sunday so they must have other shit going on um all weekend huh all weekend they have performances on two stages the regular stage on the back porch stage so it's all happening now crime rate here or what we're interested in, property crime is about 20% below national average so oh i can't imagine it even be that high there's nothing i can't believe there's any crime at all this is so yes so far well if you have the gumption to drive miles to someone's house to rob them you just get a job it'd be you know what i mean you you have the same you can get up and go you have something in you two hours into that ride to be like we got to do this again should we just put an application in somewhere on the way this is crazy if we make a u-turn we can get back to denver yeah the same amount of time no yeah and then violent crime murder rape robbery and of course assault the mount rushmore of crime is about 25 below the national average okay again and i feel like being kicked by a mule would be the most violent crime that happens here like still seems outrageous seems like a lot so let's find out that said let's talk about some murder what do you say let's do this okay now we're gonna go back not too far not too far things are pretty much the same in terms of how your life is it's not like the 60s or something june 10th 2008 yeah it's not bad not bad this is at noon on june 10th 2008 uh 9-1-1 call comes in and it's from a woman hysterically crying on the phone yeah she can't even like get out her address it's it's she's yeah that seems to be like fucking 70 of 9-1-1 calls it's i i you know what don't call 9-1-1 unless you're hysterically crying you're wasting our tax dollars at that point you're wasting our money you've got it together you don't need us if you can calmly pick up 9-1-1 and go okay here's the deal you can call the regular number this is for emergencies i want people going i'm on fire i'm literally on fucking fire oh my god it hurts that's 9-1-1 yeah if you can compose sentences it's not bad enough the first sentence should be i can't stop the bleeding that should be the first sentence of every 9-1-1 call or else i'm not interested yeah where's your emergency let me tell you about it first because it's fucking crazy that's every call um so anyway uh police received this call and it's from a hysterical woman saying that someone apparently has broken into her house she said i it comes out she's saying i just got home someone broke into my house and my husband's dead he's dead oh dead dead on the floor she said i found him he's in a pool of blood and as we'll find out uh also a 25 caliber bullet hole in the back of his head as well yeah so not great um now the deputies and paramedics reach the scene and it's a remote property it's out there it's on 40 acres at the end of a like a dead end in the middle of fucking nowhere and that's how this is um they come into the house and they find a woman named miriam as we'll find out who she is miriam and she is the the hurt or dead man's wife however you want to look at it at this point and they find her kneeling over this man's body crying hysterically sobbing and crying and oh god um now the dead man uh and they don't know he's dead because they haven't even got to try to check for vitals or you know perform cpr or anything but this man is alan helmick h-e-l-m-i-c-k and if you go looking that up you're going to put hemlock every single time and then you're going to go god damn it because i did that 30 times while i was doing and my phone went off and i was like oh my god i'm so sorry i'm so sorry i'm so sorry i'm so sorry phone would correct that to heimlich and maneuver it's all messed up he's a 64 year old man at this point he's found lying on his back in a pool of blood uh in near the kitchen um now or i'm sorry near in the entry or living room area now several draw drawers in his desk are opened but there's not the contents of the drawers are still not it's not even like rifle it's open but everything's still there everything but they're all opened they're all open they're all open they're all right there um now alan is lying inches away uh or lying on the ground and inches away from him is his wallet sitting there just on the floor so we have open drawers nothing taken in his wallet sitting there there's a china cabinet in the living room that's nobody touches at all it's undisturbed uh there's a jewelry box on a master bedroom dresser that appears open and it looks like maybe some contents are missing it looks like it's been shuffled here um nearby in the master bathroom jewelry sits in plain view on an open and undisturbed jewelry box yeah so this is a robbery it's a terrible robbery they were looking for something specific and this ain't it yeah this is crazy also there are six firearms in the house oh now many of them are rifles they're found in several locations in the home three of the rifles were in plain view on a downstairs bed so anybody touched anybody looking in rooms for shit that's easily sellable there they are um they said that uh they said that they weren't sure in the end though they didn't know they could never figure out if those guns from that room were on the bed to begin with or if law enforcement found them and laid them on the bed like somebody going through the house laid them out like that so they're not sure but either way they were there then there was like six guns in the house so immediately well not immediately but within a and because this is from what it looks like very rural middle of nowhere area where a deadly home invasion has happened so yeah some in cold blood shit this is not normal out there too so like the media in this area they're like holy shit they freak out and they want to tell if this is some salacious shit that people are going to want to hear about so it's wild that like even in in cold blood they got like 27 or some shit like that it was like a it was a very but this is like you could have had a lot of money but you could have had a lot of money but you could have had a a much bigger score yeah for and he's for the price you've paid not only that he's like he's a businessman he lives in a very nice house as we'll talk about in 40 acres and clearly has a few bucks and you went for like the this short shit score like this it's kind of crack heady you know what i mean killed a person and yeah killed this guy so that's the so that the media goes and runs with it immediately that this you know rural area and nobody's safe and lock your get your rifles ready now the to the cops though the scene doesn't look right no just doesn't look yeah yeah for a burglary they're all those parts already yeah they don't see it yeah it looks more like they said it looks like somebody like if you if you were filming a like a an independent film and you told your set designer make it look like a robbery but they've never seen a robbery before so they're like i mean there's drawers open you know i guess that's what people would do like that's what it looks like and then you stand back and go yeah that's right that looks like everything's open everything's open which you know just in a long shot and a frame looks like a robbery dead guy things you know rifled but in reality when you really look into it you're like there's nothing taken this is a shit robbery so let's find out who these people are um and what's going on here and possibly who killed this man um this is alan clark hemlock uh is his name he's born august 27th and um he is you mean hell hell mick did i say hemlock again the amount of times i looked it up like that and it's like no i had to go back and change it it makes more sense like it sounds more like a last name helmic doesn't sound like a last name no hemlock sounds like a last name for some reason like hemlock i don't know some as a word that helmic sounds like you misspelled helmet man yeah yeah or something you'd call an irish guy that you're not happy with something bad man he's a hell mick boy so he's born in delta colorado which is on the western slope here this isn't ski lodges or any of that shit this is oh this is bad area this is desert and farms people live there it's just it's not pretty let's be realistic they're out of their fucking minds something's wrong on that side of the mountain nuts over there too much sun over there or something i don't know yeah it's not not natural it's on that western slope yeah and imagine being there knowing just over this hill it's so much nicer but you can't go there it's amazing over there why are we beautiful and we're here it makes no sense we don't even have to get to the whole other side there's no several towns in between that are incredible that are much better it's like at least in arizona when you're in phoenix you go well far as the eye can see it's shit that's it there's nothing there's no there's nowhere that's half decent otherwise east you could drive for 24 fucking hours and it's ugly it looks like that forever until you hit louisiana two hours uh through those mountains and you're like this why why why did we stop over there who was the lazy fuck that stopped there and didn't go to the better part all the horses died or something oh yeah maybe it's so hot over here so alan's born in this area delta colorado it seems like he has a brother and three sisters from what i can make out um now he's a pitcher for delta high when he's a kid in the varsity team yeah baseball guy uh he's in the class of 63 good lord wow that is so back there that's when he graduated um he ends up people are still doing that today though there's a shitload of those small towns where graduating class of seven it's fucking crazy yeah well no this is 1963 he graduates that was a long time ago uh physics degree he ends up getting from adams state college physics wow that's complicated shit Then in 1967, after he graduates from Adams, he marries his high school sweetheart, who he has been with since they were 14. Okay. Wow. Talk about like old time, small timey shit. Yeah. You meet a girl when you're a freshman and you stay with her and then you go, well, after I graduate and could make a way for us, then we'll get married. Like it's very old school here. They'll end up having four children together. Yeah. Same. And it's kind of his deal, too. He's got, because he had a brother and three sisters and he has a son and three daughters. How about that? So they have Alan Jr., which despite our crime and sports apprehension for any juniors, seems, you know, Alan seems like he's nice enough to name his kid Jr. He's got three daughters, Portia, not like the car, like DeRossi. S-H, huh? O-T-I-A? T-I-A. P-O-R-T-I-A, Portia. Wow. Portia DeRossi's Australian, so I get that. These people are from Colorado. I don't know where he even found that name. No. And then especially in the 1970. Right. Who knows? Wendy and Christy, which are very American names. Yeah. Now, Alan's career here, he works his way up. Alan, back then, it's possible to work your way up. You can get a ground level job somewhere and make your way up in the company. You could be goddamn vice president in 20 years. You know what I mean? so did he do something with physics no he was a bank manager which is the opposite of physics the complete opposite of physics he i guess he likes definite things he can tell you the fucking the gravitational pull of something but he's gonna yeah count out 20s jesus well think about the like laws of physics are they are what they are and numbers in a bank are what they are so maybe that he likes definite things yeah i think he's real what left brain is that the one that would make you do that right whichever one that's into math and shit he's into that yeah he's into that part whatever part that we don't use me and you that we use the other side of the brain what's the one that can help you keep a conversation going that one you got that but yeah i guarantee you alan's not funny that's that's a fact i guarantee you he's not he can't be uh but he becomes a land developer after you I don't know how you become a land developer that seems like something you need money to start out with and yeah there's capital or you take a loan that's true you got to believe in in the land and you got to know what it's worth i feel like back then again easier to start anything back and land development probably back then was much easier too because you weren't yeah uh handcuffed by preservation society and all that shit back then you could just fucking plant houses on shit and sell it and there's a lot of also uh westward migration at this point too so you're the timing is right here because i remember the late 60s is when hunter thompson was complaining about the real estate going crazy in aspen and ruining everything basically all the mountains over there just fucking expanded like mad so he he find he founded a company to helmick helmick mortgage as well okay so he's a land developer with a mortgage company so i got the land to sell you and i'll lend you the fucking money which is where the money's at by the way and he's the bank yeah he's the yeah that's that's why there's loan sharks because you keep paying the fucking vig you can sign normal people up to pay vig for 30 years that's legal holy shit like you're a gangster at that point do the math uh yeah when you buy a house and see what you really pay for that you're paying three times you're gonna shit your pants yeah you're gonna pay twice to three times what your house usually three times that's you buy a three hundred thousand dollar house you're paying a million dollars for that thing yep eventually paying that so he has several businesses including partial ownership in a title company uh he also uh his company was involved in building a mesa county subdivision called krista lee which isn't one of his daughter's name is christy okay um so he owns the mortgage company and caters to new homes and business owners he's making money on every part of the transaction every part smart smart guy yeah not using physics at all but none he was just interested in it i guess um everybody's says and this is a quote that everybody says about him he's a genuinely good man that's nice very kind guy and people say not you know you know he's he's a businessman but he doesn't shit on people that's not even that they go no he's a good man which is love that hard for good people to make money but he's doing it so um he he's uh his father his son alan said my father was probably one of the best people i've ever met in my life and i don't just say that because i'm his son that's good they said he's very kind he's very generous um so he builds a life he and sharon um sharon helmick uh they they build a life together um for shit they've known each other since 1959 and we're gonna we're gonna catch up in 2003 so they have built a life yeah they've had everything going for them you know they have a nice house they have four kids um you know and they're grown by now and they've you know they're enjoying the fruits of their labor here and everything like that and then on new year's eve of 2003 sharon has a massive heart attack and dies like what just drops dead unexpected completely out of the blue wasn't sick just what a nightmare has a heart attack and dies so alan is obviously crushed this is yeah he had a wife he had a wife well he's the one he's been with since he was 14 he's been with her for 50 years almost and they're 10 minutes ago well also you plan shit you're like okay we're gonna get this done and then we have this one we're gonna buy that for later and then once the kids are out and then you have this plan of how now it's my time and we're gonna live our life and now your wife's dead now you're alone erase the whole plan yeah it's a total about schmidt is excited what it is remember about schmidt did you see that with jack mickelson great fucking movie comes home he went out to get a a medium blizzard from dairy queen a medium oreo blizzard he says and when he comes home his wife's dead on the floor he's just like and they're like these plain midwestern people his wife's dead on the floor so he buys like an rv and goes and drives across the country and has all sorts of weird adventures it's fucking hilarious jack nicholson doing it it's so fucking funny it's from like like 2002 ish 2003 so anyway she's dead and this is horrible and everybody said it absolutely destroyed alan he was not okay with this yeah um his son alan jr said i think that he died that day a big part of him you know he lost my mother who he'd been with since he was 14 his love his life i'm sure that everything he thought that was real was ripped out from under him and now you're lonely too and he's lonely now and he lives in a rural house and he's lonely and you know there's no there's no shame in any of that it's all just part of life but you feel like the whole rug has just been ripped out from under you because it's everything that's been ripped out from under you and you're everything you know and then yeah what am i i'm gonna go get to know somebody else and we don't expect and this is the other thing too we don't expect women to drop dead no we expect women they get sick and then they eventually die men drop dead massive stroke massive heart attack fucking drop that's i know women do too but in our brains yeah it's more common for men to have massive heart attacks and die so they call it a widow maker you know what i mean and it's a widow the man is super fucked up about it for like 20 years and then the woman just like starts having brunches oh they've been waiting for you to die for decades that's why they've been annoyed with you for decades she's having a white wine uh salmon salad at 11 yeah with her girlfriends yeah who also have dead husbands and everybody's fine and clinking glasses yeah whereas the guy will be about schmidt he'll be jack nicholson and by he'll lose his mind limp dick for the rest of his life no interest in sex or emotional connection yeah just yeah you long let the less the testosterone die out of your system basically and you're like well i don't need that anymore we're just hanging out and now you're like fuck now what do i do yeah yeah now you're gonna go ask somebody what's your mom's name fuck that life well luckily at this age my mom's name is uh you can go read it on a cemetery yeah i'll show i'll show your headstone over there sound it out yeah mother-in-laws aren't really a concern at this this stage in your life and when you're when you're in your 60s which is helpful you can ask somebody what's your favorite color you know what i mean yeah that's such it seems it's just small talk at fucking 65 fuck that at 65 it should just be where how do you want to die in what way are you looking to die like yeah like are you looking to die like on a hillside or by the ocean like how are you looking to die where are you looking to die how are you looking to spend your last days yeah what if you get a terminal illness should we murder suicide is that what we're doing are we i think that's something you have to figure out at some point so he's 60 he's single for the first time since he was in eighth grade oh jeez he has no idea how to date or no he's never dated no what's he gonna say you want to go to the drive-in movie with me this weekend like i want to go to the sock hop like that's the last time he asked a girl out it was i just typed malt shop into i can't find a one they don't exist can't find a one right now it's crazy so uh yeah i'm spelling it wrong i don't know i'll try sock hops fuck it maybe they got yeah nothing there either so he didn't know what to do So at one point, he decided, I'll go on a cruise. And a ton of these old guys do this. Yeah, they love it. Because you can meet people on a cruise. Yeah. Everybody's had a few drinks in them. Yeah. You're on a boat, so you can meet somebody over a few days and talk to them, and everybody's kind of lubricated and comfortable and, you know. I mean, verbally and socially, yeah, but. Yeah. Not particularly. Sort of. Yeah. So he wants to meet some people, get back out there, and just do this. Now, he thought about it, and he goes, okay, I want to go on this cruise. Well, what am I going to do? Just sit there like an old lump? Right. He said, no, I got to be able to get out there. He goes, maybe, like, I can dance. He goes, maybe I'll try to dance. He goes, if I go on the ship and dance, then I'll meet people. Oh, is he going to go front of stair? Well, he wants to. He wants to, like, maybe if I. But he says, I don't know. I don't remember how to dance because I haven't danced since the 60s. He's going to get less than. Because no married man. We'll dance. Yeah. Don't trust a married man that's still dancing. He's up to something. I'll tell you that right now. That dance at your wedding should be your last dance if you're a man. It's the last dance until your next wedding. Until your next wedding. Or until your daughter gets married or some shit. One of the two. Or your divorce. Or your divorce. And then that's just a jig, though. That's just the twist. Yeah, that's just one of these. Uh, uh, uh. A real dork might get the sprinkler involved in it. You never know. But that's. So he doesn't know what to do. So he says, if I go on this ship and I haven't danced in fucking 50 years, essentially, 40 years, I'm going to embarrass myself. And these ladies are going to be like, look at this old dork. Or they'll think it's adorable. But yeah, I see what he's doing. He wants to be confident. So he signs up for ballroom dancing lessons. Nice move. He's really got a high. I. Do you have what this ship's going to have for him here? So I've been getting those in my in my email lately. Really? Yeah. I think it's just you hit 45. I think so. Well, I think that is linked with the front of stairs studio. He might have a dead wife. We don't know. Send him these. He's going to need them. So early 2005. So this is, you know, he waits a year and a year and change. Yeah. Gives her a year, which is, I think, he grieves for a year. And then he says, OK, I'm going to do this. So he takes a dance. He takes a dance lesson, ballroom dancing, and he likes his teacher. So, oh, he doesn't even get to the point of using this to find a woman. He just likes the woman who showed him it. You'll do. You'll do. Yeah. He didn't get to. I'll dance with a few people. I'll go on the boat. He's like, perfect. You move well. You you do. Now, this is Miriam Francis Morgan is what she's born at this point. She's Miriam Giles. G. I. L. E. S. So she's born January 26, 1957. So about 12 years younger than him. OK. So she's she's 48 at this point. And, you know, looks good. And he's like, I like her. Yeah. You know, this is nice. And he's an older guy and he's got some money. And he's a sweetheart and a charming guy. So he goes, maybe I got a shot here. What the hell? So she's a ballroom dance instructor. And everybody that describes her describes her as a ball of fire. That's how they describe her. Lots of energy. Bright, warm, fun. And, you know, just and at the same time, they get talking. They start dancing. Yeah. And he says, well, lost my wife and I want to go on a cruise. I want to learn how to dance. And she goes, that's crazy. I love my husband's dead, too. I'm a widow also. Oh, so they have this shared grief of having a dead spouse. And that really gets them to talk in. And that can certainly do it. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Trauma bonds to a certain extent. It'll get you in the front door. Yeah. Yeah. You know, then you have to have shit in common. But if you keep saying, well, my my my husband fucking eight years into this. Then it's look, that's me now. Yeah. Now now we're just a relationship because both of us have the same, you know, strife. That's all it is. That's not really a great relationship at that point. But now they get past that and they start talking. Now, her dead husband is Jack Giles, which sounds like a cool guy. Jack Giles. Sure. Doesn't sound cool. So now. She's also had even more tragedy, as we'll find out. Her daughter, Amy, who was 21 at the time, died in 2000 as well. Oh, no. From an accidental overdose. Fuck. And now everyone in the family insisted she never used drugs, but she died of an overdose, which she was a real kind of go getter and a real spark plug and things like that. So those people sometimes do drugs and don't tell you about it. Yeah. They use it as a as a as a tool. Not necessarily. As a crutch. Your aunt not knowing you did drugs doesn't mean anything. You know, they don't know what the hell's going on. So but now Miriam had gotten life insurance payout for her daughter's death as well of one hundred thousand dollars. It kind of helped her have some some cushion here. Now, her life basically in 1976 is when she met Jack Giles, Jack Calloway Giles. He was working at a grocery store and was going to school at the time, and they got married about a year later. And they settled. They settled in Jacksonville, Florida, and Jack became a chemical engineer. Wow. So he made good money, smart, consistent. Jacksonville chemical engineers, just a meth cooker. Yeah. That means they ride around on their bike at two in the morning with a backpack on and a jar cooking up. So his brother described them thusly, quote, They weren't rich, but pretty well off. Nice house with a boat, a couple of cars. That's all you need. What else do you need? Sounds rich to me. Sounds great to me. Yeah. Yeah. Tim Giles. That's his brother who said that. So and they have a daughter named Amy and they have a son as well. They live in a nice cushy home in Florida and go out on the boat and seem to have a great life. Now, Amy was 23. I apologize when she died, the daughter and the official cause of death is an accidental drug overdose. And but the people who knew Amy said she didn't use drugs, like I said, but her uncle called her a beauty. She's a beauty queen and a workaholic. Yeah. Workaholics sometimes use drugs. So you never know. He said flatly she never took drugs ever. And that's what Wendy later on, who is Alan's daughter, talked about kind of stuff like that as well. They say that she's she's not sure because Miriam told her several different ways that her daughter died. Amy. So she said to this day, I still don't know what she died. From Amy was Jack's angel, the beauty queen, the workaholic. She never took drugs. That's what her uncle Tim said. Yeah. Neither did I am. Exactly. That's what I mean. You don't know what people are doing ever. But Miriam had an insurance policy on her as well, which is odd for one hundred thousand dollars. When it pays out, Miriam basically blows the money. Oh, she bought a car. She bought clothes. She bought shit like that with it. Oh, which. Yeah. I don't know. I don't know what you're supposed to do with it. Yeah. Sometimes that sometimes you buy things to replace the person, too. So then you look at that car and you think about your daughter. I was thinking, too, would you would it be a thing that you'd want to get rid of that money, basically, because. Yeah. Just sitting in your account means she's just still there. Yeah. I don't know. I don't know. Like, there's probably a lot of psychological that goes with that. Yeah. There's a lot. I've never gotten a dime in insurance for anything. So I don't know. I've never. My dad died. I got a twenty eight hundred dollar motorcycle. That you gave him. That was you bought that. That's not you didn't get that. You bought it. I just got it back. Oh, I was like, you just loaned it to him, essentially, till he died. Then it's how it works. I bought him a trike because he couldn't get his leg over the other one. I was like, sell the other one and just have this bike now. And then he never sold it. Then he died. And now I've got this fucking piece of shit sitting in my garage that I'll never touch. I'm going to have it forever because it was his. It's the only the only fucking thing this man. And then saw through to the end because he didn't raise kids. That's for sure. Bought a motorcycle, paid it off and hung on to it for twenty five years. And now it's now I've got it in my fucking garage for the dead battery. You traded it for the yeah, for the trike, basically. Oh, man. So Amy's death, though, ruled an accident, an accidental overdose. And that happens now. April 15th, 2002. A little over a year later. Yeah. In Jacksonville, Jack dies as well. Fuck. This is a suicide, though. Oh. Oh. And if your daughter's dead. Yeah. Yeah. She was his angel. That could be everybody said she was his everything. Gunshot to the head while in bed beside his wife. Stop it. Which is a crazy thing to do. Oh. If you shoot yourself, you're going to go out. Go away. Sit under a tree or some shit. Right. Go to a cheap motel. Yeah. While in bed. Meaning she woke up to that. Yes. She woke up to that. Luckily for for her. He had apparently put a pillow as a barrier in between them. So she didn't get brain on her. That's nice. Those are generally bulletproof, too. Well, yeah. Those, you know, go right through. It'll go through your head. But the down really stuffs it up. The feathers. It's a tough one. That would be a horrible way to wake up. The noise and then the splash. And like now I'm wet, too. What the fuck? Apparently she wasn't really. Now. Okay. the responding officer and the officer in charge of this case is a man named J.P. Morgan. I shit you not. Who is Miriam's brother. Half-brother, but brother. Okay, yeah. That's still me. Yeah, there's still blood. And he's the guy ruling on this whole thing. Now, that's pretty interesting. The problem is, I guess, Jack is left-handed. The wound, though, is on the right side of his head. Yeah, you wouldn't do that. That is interesting. But it's still open and shut, no foul play. But there's still problems. Left-handed, and people said very left-handed. Like, didn't do shit with his right hand. Sometimes you throw a baseball with the right. Sometimes you're doing something. But they said the gun was found on his chest in his right hand with his thumb on the trigger. So that's how it worked. And there's the pillow as a barrier to protect Miriam from spatter as well. And also, there's another $100,000 policy on him. That Miriam collects as well. And everybody said she blew by that real fast, that $100,000, too. She's not good with money, Miriam. Which a lot of people aren't. At least insurance money, she is terrible with. No. Yeah. And remember Tim, Jack's brother, the uncle of Amy, who kept saying she didn't do drugs? Yeah. He never believed it was a suicide. Really? Never. That guy doesn't believe shit. No. Not a goddamn thing. He said that he'd never for one second believe his brother killed himself. And his reasoning was that Jack, of all people, knows exactly what a suicide does to a family because Amy died. Now, this is the same guy who says that Amy didn't accidentally overdose, but now when it's convenient. He's very Jacksonville. Yes, exactly. So Tim was not interviewed, by the way, by Jacksonville authorities in the wake of the death, which is weird. You'd think they'd interview everybody. Hey, has your brother been sad? And this Tim, I mean, honestly, we're making jokes. But I feel bad for the guy because he's just lost his brother and his niece and he feels fucking terrible. He's grief stricken. And, of course, he doesn't want to believe that they have caused their own deaths. And, I mean, nobody wants to believe that. Yeah. And sometimes suicide oftentimes, too, you don't fucking just outwardly project what's going on because you don't want to worry anybody. So sometimes the last day of your life, you smile your fucking balls off. Especially a guy from that generation. Yeah. Yeah. They don't. You know, they don't think they're they're not real. Let me tell you about my feelings type of shit. That's just not how they are. They're more like, well, that's enough of that. Going to blow my brains out now in the garage. It's an incredibly powerful commercial for mental health in England that it shows two guys at a soccer game. There's this dude that's just moping his fucking ass off all the goddamn time. And this guy's like cheering constantly. And then someone's like, you're pissy, isn't it? Have another have another point, you pussy. Have another point or whatever. But then the last scene is like the the the mopey fucker is draping his his little footy scarf of his buddy over the chair next to him. And now he's extra sad because his happy friends took his own life. That's that's what it is sometimes. Like the happiest motherfucker. You don't know. Not doing great in turn. Oh, because what Tim is feeling is normal. Logically missing or losing somebody that is so important to you. And when you don't see them being that sad all the time because we we boil depression down to sad because that's I mean, it's an emotion that. Yeah. But the seeing somebody that's so important to you. Yeah. As somebody that's so down to kill themselves. Sometimes that's just so out or out of bounds. You just can't gather that. Your brain can't process it. Yeah. And I don't know. By the way, too, I've heard somebody said from a few weeks ago that I don't know anything about grief because I said that someone needs to move on with. Their life. And it's like, fuck you. Look, man, tell me that. Tell me about grief. Motherfucker. I don't care. Yeah. You talking about? I lost like my two best friends who were young within a year and a half of each other in tragic ways. Like I haven't seen plenty. Fuck you. Sometimes tragic shit like that. Yeah. Hardens your heart to the world. And you don't want to. Sometimes you just got to go. Well, what am I going to fucking sit here and pay my bills? Thank you. Shit to do. I got. Exactly. Because it's enough already. And that's what it is. If you gain enough grief, it's not a shock to you anymore. And you get you react to it differently. And that's I'm not saying that's good or bad. I'm just saying, you know, don't judge. That's just what it is. Judge how I fucking. Yeah. Everybody grieves different, too. That's like that's a common thing that people say. But it's true that. Look, man, I'm going to my advice to you when you're grieving is going to be calm the fuck down. Tomorrow's another day, too. You know, you got to get through it. You got to get through this. Are you going to fucking melt into a ball in the corner? What's wrong with you? No. But I did weird shit in that during that period. I was I had a fucking career. Like I made movies. I had a thing. I won festivals. I had like actually like some heat thing. And I directed. Yeah. And I just I shut it all. I didn't do anything. I said, I'm not doing this anymore, basically. And I went and started serving fucking papers. Yeah. I did that for like three years. And then I said to like 2012, I was like, what am I doing? This is a miserable fucking life. And I'm making myself miserable. Because I was miserable. Because those people were involved in the things I was doing with me. And then I was like, I got to go do comedy again. I have to do it. So then I went to comedy. And then I met you. And then here we are. Life just happens. That's how it happened. I wouldn't be here if those things didn't happen. I really wouldn't. Yeah. Because I would have been making films and not doing comedy. And it would have been a totally different path. And, you know, just different. And the way we react to things sometimes creates one door closes, another opens. That's it. These old. These are cliches. They sometimes fucking right on the nose. God damn it. Don't worry. When God makes your knee hurt, he kicks you in the ass. You know that old saying. Figure it out. So anyway, Tim, the brother, said that Jack couldn't tie his shoes with his right hand, which no one can tie their shoes with one hand. That's the. Everybody can requires two hands to tie shoes is the thing, which is a very strange. I'm very right handed, James. If I tried to tie a shoe. With that hand. Just that hand. I'm walking around with untied shoes. Yeah. No shit. A lot. No. Jack and Miriam's son, who was home the night this happened, has a different thing. He believes that his dad did shoot himself and did shoot himself with his right hand as well. He said that Jack had broken a few years ago, said Jack might have been very left handed before, but Jack broke his left arm a few years ago. Oh. And had to wear a cast for a long time and could do nothing with his left hand. So he learned to do everything with his right hand. He goes. How about that? He was very ambidextrous by the end of it. Amazing. He would write with his right hand sometimes just because it was convenient. He said the right handed suicide, definitely not impossible. And the son said he heard the shot and he heard his mother come running out of the house screaming and said, that's how it happened. Like, what are we talking about? So 2004, Miriam persists. She's having problems now. She's single and she's not doing well financially. She gets busted in Florida for a counterfeit check cashing scheme that she's doing, which is not great. Obviously, she had an A.K.A. Even her alias was Frances, Francesa Giles, Francesa, Francesa. She's like, I'll be Italian now. Why not? So she was found not guilty of two counts of embezzlement and one count of Larsa. She was found guilty of two counts of embezzlement and one count of Larsa. Yeah, it sounds hot and sticky. It's gross. Yeah, it sounds like it. So somewhere in here, this is when she started saying she was a dancer and became a dance instructor. Oh. I don't know where she learned how to dance. I'm not sure how that happened. A girl from Jacksonville went to the Gulf Shores and then became a ballroom dancer. A ballroom. If you told me a girl from – wrong dancer. Wrong dancer, yeah. She went to Gulfport. Yeah. She was dancing. Became a dancer? That sounds right, yeah. Yeah. So, yeah, she turns up in Gulfport and the owner of a studio called Amor Danzar named Barb Watts. Hey, Barb. It's Barb. Barb said, I thought she was dynamite. She was the greatest thing that ever came by. We put her right to work. She can shake. Shake that ass. Shake that ass, Miriam. And then a girl from Jacksonville went to the Gulf Shores. And the manager of the dance club said, we put her right to work. We didn't even make her audition. I looked at her cans. I said, you're going on stage, sweetheart. You were born for this. Let's go. Threw her tassels and off to work she went. And then she said, what should my stage name be? And they're like, no, no, Miriam. Make it sound like somebody's grandma. You know? Yeah. Miriam is a very old lady name. Miriam is like, you have to be over 80 to be named Miriam, I feel like. I had two of them in my fucking high school. Miriam? Yeah. Wow. Spanish girls. I had a lot of Francescas, but not a lot of Miriams. Not really. No, no Miriams, but tons of Francescas. You went, wow, I've never met a Francesca. Wow. Was your school 65% Italian? Probably not. 65% Mexican. Exactly. A little different. You're not going to get the Francescas. I know like 46 people named Vinny, some of which I'm not even related to. It's amazing. I think all my Miriams. All my Miriam friends had dogs named Vinny. Nobody. Probably. I never met a Vinny or a Vincent. Never. Weird. Wow. That's crazy. Fuck. I have like seven uncles named Vinny. Never mind who I knew around here. So basically, they came to suspect her of stealing money from everywhere, basically, and from this business even. Barb started thinking she's skimming from the dance studio. Okay. So apparently a checkbook went missing. Okay. Okay. So a check got written that didn't make any sense, and the owner figured it could have only been Miriam, essentially. So rather than fire her, this is crazy, they couldn't have really thought it was her that much because they send her out to Colorado where they're opening another studio in Grand Junction. They send her there to train the staff. So you got to trust someone pretty well to send them 2,000 miles away to open a business for you that you've put up the money for. I'm in charge of all my money there. That's what I mean. That's crazy. And Miriam requested it because I guess she heard they were open, and she said, I'd love to get out of here. Send me to Colorado. They said, well, you're the perfect person. Why not? So she ends up in early 2005 as a dance teacher in Colorado in a newly set up shop meeting a guy named Alan Helmick. How about this? Hanging out. Yeah. So everybody said on the floor, she is a badass dancer, knows what she's doing, and they said that they got a lot of money. They got a lot of money. And they got along right away, Miriam and Alan. They lost a spouse together. They liked to dance. They understood everything. And that's how it is. A psychologist later will say he was obviously desperate to be happy again, desperate to have a wife, desperate to be in love, and was willing to do anything to make her happy. Yeah. You want to, after a while, you go, OK, I need to have someone else sitting in that other chair with me because this is boring. That heartbreak feeling is fucking miserable, especially if there's like, sometimes there's an option to rekindle. And then they've got like this hope. But there's none here. No, no. This is tragedy. It's over. It's over. I mean, you can't get more over than a heart attack. That's a hard. Yeah. Hard ball right there. Done. Not not fixed on this one. No. Barb Watts, the owner, said, quote, She was after a hot sugar daddy. She wanted someone to take care of her. Oh, boy. Wow. Barb said that she was basically didn't trust Miriam to the point where she fastened her information about her issues with Miriam to Alan and advised her him to stay away from her. Like, you shouldn't trust her. She said, I asked him to watch his bank account. I told him to be careful, but he was so much in love. Oh, my. I mean, that's crazy. I sent him a fax of facts like, listen, she dances like a fucking angel, but she will rob you blind. Let me tell you something. Salsa. Sure. Jitterbug or whatever they call that. What? All that shit. I don't know what they're doing. Tango went all over the place. Keep your wallet in your pants, sir. Keep your wallet in your front pocket, as Raekwon would say. So now there's a he's getting his groove back, like Stella, basically. Yeah, this is how fucking how my man, how Alan got his groove back here. So Penny Lyons, who's a fellow dance student and one of Miriam's close friends in Colorado, said that Alan was like a knight in shining armor. And for her, someone to help her and take care of her. And Miriam was gave him this. He sparked back. He didn't look depressed anymore. He looked like he had a reason to get up in the morning. Yeah, 12 years younger with a fucking pert ass. Come on. A dance instructor. You know, she's in good shape. Totally. So they start dating, which, by the way, they were not supposed to do, which is hilarious. You can't do that. Well, it's not a it's not school for Christ. It's not a real school. But ethically, it's weird. If it was a guy, I feel like it. But if it's a woman named some nice guy, she meant. I don't feel like business ethically. Who gives a fuck? They're people and they're adults. So who cares? But business ethically, Barb's pissed about this because if they break up, he doesn't want to come back around. He's not going to come back. That's $30 a month, you asshole. Yeah, I know. That's true. That's true. But you're not going to stop people from fucking if they've been dancing. It's just. Yeah, it is fucking hot. It's the dumbest fucking thing ever. It's not hot. I mean, like what people if you're interested in it and you're grinding on somebody, it's fucking hot. Well, if you're grinding on them, that's a different story. I mean, any dance is grinding. Yeah, that's that's a whole other thing. It's like, well, what are we even doing? Why aren't we just fucking? Why are we doing this weird ritual? That's what it feels like. Some animalistic ritual like the peacock puts its feathers out and walks around. I'm not doing that. I'm not participating in your stupid fucking ritual. Fuck you. I'm not a fucking animal. We're smarter than the animals. God damn it. Yeah. Waltz and rub your pussy on my thigh. That's better. So anyway, they. They start dating. There was a clause in Miriam's contract. And also because Alan, the signup contract even says that you won't try to fuck the instructors. So that seems like what it should be in the contract, because you got to assume there's at least there's got to be at least 20 percent of the people that get involved in this think that there's sex happening. Yeah. Or at least an opportunity. Well, I assume you. I guess it's there for you to meet the other people in the class. Not the instructor like that would make sense. But the instructor is the fucking hottest one here. Well, that's the one that does this shit all the time. She knows how to do it. So that's why she has to sign a contract, I guess. Yeah. She won't do that. Fuck these people. So June of 2006, they get married. Oh, boy. There's more money in marrying a guy with, you know, money and businesses and houses than working at the as a dance instructor for this broad. So after the wedding, they move into a huge secluded home, which we'll talk about. That's the home that he. Was found dead in in the countryside in whitewater. Forty acres, panoramic views of the mountains off the front porch. You're 40 acres. So there's no neighbors anywhere near you. They built a small horse operation on the land because Miriam loved horses and she wanted to give riding lessons. Why does she know how to do everything? I don't know how she knows how to dance and ride horses. And not just know she can teach it. She needs to instruct others, which is weird. Fuck is that? Imagine. Imagine. Like anything, you know how to do sort of you need to instruct others. Now, I'm going to show everybody how to. I barely know how to do fucking anything. No. So Alan bankrolls this business for her and another business. This is the horse breeding and lessons operation. Creek Ranch Sport Horses LLC. And the other one is a ballroom dance studio called Dance Junction LLC. She's doing both. So, yeah, he's going to bankroll these. Now, his accountant. Like his hair burst into flames. It was like, why are you opening? What else? You can open a sports bar like any other money businesses. Yeah, no, no, no. But not two businesses. If you open two businesses that can make money, it's one thing. These are the two. You might as well just set your money on fire. A ballroom dance studio and a horse operation. You know, one's making money off of that. You're just not. Yeah. The overhead already is crazy. It's insane. And that's what they said. They're like, what the fuck are you doing? And there's already. Another ballroom dance company there. So the company she worked for with another ball in a small area. How many in fucking Grand Junction or fucking wherever? That's so small. Yeah. How many ballroom dance students you think you can procure from this small area? Probably not enough to keep two businesses going. And then this horse thing. Basically, these are the two dumbest business moves you could make other than a sports bar with your name on it or something. That would be even the horse thing can be a thing. But all those people up there probably have their own. fucking horse. It's not enough to sustain. How much are horse lessons? Yeah. You would have to be doing 24 hours a day with 30 kids in there to make the money back. You know how much it is to just house horses? Well, you've got to have— It's insanely expensive. That's the part, the boarding, the purchasing of a horse, caring for a horse. The food, the trainer, which is another fucking—she has to have a trainer for the horse. So you're not making that in some kids' lessons unless you charge $180 a lesson, which would be prohibitive. 10, 15 horses that are all rideable because there's so many horses that you can own. You put your ass on that fucking thing, it's going to put your ass on the fucking ground. So they're basically—now, on paper, though, Alan owns 95% of the businesses. Okay. So it doesn't just give them to her. Miriam owns 5% in each business. Okay. Just so she's there on paper. So he essentially basically owns anything. And if Alan ever divorces her or died— And left it to the kids, basically, Miriam walks away with her 5% operation, 5% of two companies that don't make money. That make nothing, yeah. This is just—he's placating her and wanting her to be happy, so he's doing these businesses for her. But I'm sure in his mind, if he goes, man, if we break even, I'm going to be thrilled. Yeah. That's it. And that fax resonated because he's safeguarding himself. Yeah. Well, I think, too, he's a smart guy in his 60s who's made some money, and he knows to try to watch out. They also have a prenup. Oh. Now, this says, in the event of Alan's death, Miriam gets nothing that Alan owned before the marriage. So nothing. Absolutely nothing. And he'd only been married to her for two years, so basically everything he had came from before the marriage. His mortgage company, his investments, real estate. He's got a few million bucks in assets. And she can get none of it, basically. Okay. So the major policies were structured so that the payout would go to his business partners to buy out his share. The business is not for Miriam. Not to Miriam. Now, 2007 into 2008, Alan's kids and family start to notice that he's kind of disappearing. Oh. Not really participating. Can't get him on the phone. They don't see him very often. They would call the house, and Miriam would say that dad isn't feeling well, and he'll call you back, and then he would never call you back. So they were like, that's weird. Then they'd call his cell phone, and Miriam would answer that. And say he's not feeling well. No. So they were like, this is really weird here. His one daughter said that they saw him less, and rarely without Miriam. She said that she repeatedly called her father's cell phone. Most of the calls went straight to voicemail. And she regularly would have to call Miriam to get messages to her father, basically. Oh. Now, while the family's trying to get a hold of him, the bank is also trying to get a hold of him. Oh. They need to talk to him about a pretty urgent matter, but can't get him on the phone. They kept getting his voicemail. They called his daughter and said, can you get a hold of him? If the bank's calling people you know, going, hey, you know where this guy's at? Yeah. If the bank's calling my son, we got a problem. The bank's turning into a gangster loan shark. You are really missing. So they said, we called and got the voicemail. We can't do anything. So eventually, the bank gave up on phoning him and just started sending letters of what they wanted. Miriam would keep Alan's cell phone in her purse. So she'd have both their phones. One of the daughters said she never really developed a close relationship with Miriam. And she said that necessarily wasn't Miriam's fault, though. Yeah. They asked her, was it hard to accept Miriam into your dad's life? And she said, it would have been hard to accept anybody. Yeah. You know, my mom was gone, and now I don't care about this new fucking lady coming in here. Who cares about her? Well, I see it. Any woman that comes in after. After my mom's dead is going to be temporary. There's no way this is lasting. Exactly. And I think that's how you would feel, too. Yeah. And also, he's pretty sick, too, but he doesn't really let on. But Alan's got some health problems. He's got some heart issues that haven't really been addressed. And he's got some problems, as we'll talk about health-wise. But he's still up and around. But she says that he doesn't feel good and all that kind of thing, which he still does everything that he needs to do. Early 2008. Okay. This is interesting here. Miriam calls a life insurance agent and asks about taking out a policy on Alan's life. How big are we talking? Well, she asked, can I get $2 million? Dang. That's a pretty healthy life insurance pick. The agent said, the most I can give you is $250,000. How's that? He's in the 60s. We expect him to croak pretty soon here at some point. 15% of that. How's that sound? How's that sound? But then she said, well, that's fine. But can I set it up without him knowing about it? Wow. And he said, no, absolutely not. You can't. You can't take out a life insurance policy on an adult without that adult's consent. You have to demonstrate an insurable interest. And the agent said no. And the policy never happened. Okay. Is that law still? That should be a law. Yeah. I don't think you can just take out an insurance policy on an adult. I think somebody did that with like homeless people. And then I think that's an old story that somebody did that and then killed them all and then got in trouble. Geraldine Parrish in Baltimore, if you look that up, it was in the homicide book. I've talked about it. She had did it for dozens and dozens of this. I don't know how many people this woman killed. Dozens. I mean, like six husbands. She buried in her backyard. Babies. No, no, it's good, dude. It's insane. It's fucking crazy. So anyway, yeah, if you look that up. We'll do it. I want to do a bonus episode on that because that is wild. We'll do that. So late April 2008, they the the Helmick's rent a movie via the dish network there. So they got a satellite dish as you would need out in the middle of nowhere. Yeah. Everyone had to do that. Yeah. So they rent no country for old men. I've heard that's good. Which. Yeah. And it just had the Oscars were just the month before and it won a shitload Oscars and all that. Now, there's a scene in that movie, by the way, where one of the. Characters stuffs a thing into a gas tank and lights it and then walks away while the car explodes. Yeah, that's a thing. OK, so keep that in mind. April 30th, 2008. So this is about a week later. Maybe not even a week. They're in Delta, Colorado, where Alan is born and raised there. Now, Alan and Miriam drove to Delta on business. Alan was selling off a portion of his title company and at the meeting was handed a check for $100,000. Which is his share of the sale. So he's got that. He gets into his 1994 Buick Roadmaster. Fuck. Yeah. With $100,000 check in his pocket. See, that's I mean, he's a very practical man. He has a lot of money, but he drives a 14 year old car. Right. Because that's 14 year old Buick. Yeah. He doesn't need anything. Yeah. Yeah. He's not trying to show he's fancy. He's just. No, he's very steady. Very wealthy man would be in a Cadillac or. That's the. That's the way. Yeah. Mercedes. Mercedes. Yeah. But he's he's just said a Buick and I bought it 14 years ago. It's still running. So why get rid of it? So Miriam that day keeps having the recurring stomach problems. Just shitting like crazy. Liquid shits like you wouldn't believe. Farting up the Roadmaster. Which is absolutely terrible. Yeah. You don't want to fart up the Roadmaster. Just stinking up the Roadmaster. Shitting up the velour seats there. You don't want that. Yeah. When you fart into that velour. Stick for a week. Every time someone else sits in it. It just releases it. It releases more fart juice. Going down the road. Did you do it again? No. It's just. No. You should have went with the leather interior. You cheap fuck. That's all I'm trying to tell you. Did you get the velour? You had to get the velour. Nice. So she's got problems. She has to use the bathroom. She uses the bathroom. Then a little while later she has to go again. Yeah. Now at some point here from the parking lot. They can't get out of the car. They came out. He's got the check and they're going to leave. But she goes to the trunk of the car. She says to change her shoes. Before she goes to shit again. Apparently. Now Alan. Sitting in the car. Glances in the rear view mirror. And sees smoke coming up. And sees that his car is on fire. The back of his car is on fire. So he gets out fast. And yells at Miriam to grab water. Or a fire extinguisher. Or whatever they have. And they put the fire out. It's not that bad. It's the trunk area is a little bubbly. Like the cheese of a good pizza. And the rear taillights kind of fucked up I guess. Melted a bit. But the car is not destroyed. The road master will live to see another day. It's a tough car. Yeah. They also find a wooden wick basically. Jammed into the gas tank of the car. Oh God. That's what was on fire. Okay. So they call the police. When they see this isn't an accident. Someone tried to set our gas tank on fire. This is a problem. So the Delta police sergeant who comes. We'll hear from him all through this story. Sean Wells here. Thought that Miriam's behavior was super strange. Real evasive and all sorts of shit. Right. She didn't want to talk to him. And when he started really asking her specific questions. She said I need to use the bathroom. And just walked away. In the parking lot. Now there's a restroom right there. Instead she. walks across four lanes of traffic to use a bathroom across the street i'm going over there i already fucked this bathroom up i mean i leveled that shit unless there's been a cleaner in there traffic to muffle these sounds yeah i'm gonna be farting all the way across fucking main street over here so she did this and she wouldn't come back until after the officer had left okay now the investigators later went into the first bathroom she went in that she shit up to begin with and they found it to be reeking of lighter fluid oh yes i don't know what she ate but wow jeez wow talk about light a match i've burned rubber in there a few times but not lighter fluid not lighter fluid that's something so the detective said instead of going back to that restroom i found it very interesting that miriam decided to walk across four lanes of traffic to go to the restroom across the street at a convenience store so they said someone tried to light the goddamn gas tank on fire yeah and the other thing is why didn't it blow up yeah reason is alan just filled the tank yeah it's fumes not gas yeah yeah if you have a thing of gas it's not that you know you can throw a match and it'll go out you know it'll go it's just liquid it's full that's not no when it's half a tank or lower yeah top chamber is all fumes the vapor is the part that's gonna light on top of the shit not the liquid so i mean liquid lights too but it's the vapor coming off of it that's on fire i believe when your engine spritz gas in there it's not the gas that's that's flammable it's when it vapor compresses and turns into gas that's into gas not gasoline no gas so they said a full tank has very little airspace so there's very little vapor and that's what explodes not the liquid so alan was lucky he wasn't lazy and said i'll get gas later nice then he would have exploded um or somebody's stupid and thought oh now it's full now it'll really go that's what most people would think if you're an idiot you would just think the more gas the bigger the explosion this is this is what you need so they said that basically the delta investigation said it was a clumsy arson attempt and the fuel level saved his life nice but her explanation because they talked to her about smelling lighter fluid in the bathroom that she was in she told them that she took the wick at her husband's behest to prevent an explosion so that's why it smelled in there oh she pulled the wick out huh and she said take that in the bathroom so it won't blow up near the thing that's what she said however alan said i don't remember that at all i don't remember telling her to take it in the bathroom i wouldn't say take it to the bathroom no so who could have done this they sit him down the fuck and they say alan who the fuck is mad at you who'd want to hurt you and he said well a lot actually he said there's two people that have had a problem with me one is that was at the state bank the president the vice president they were trying to accuse me of an illegal loan which i didn't make okay so that's one but i don't know why the people who are trying to at the state bank that are trying to like charge him with something would try to blow him up that doesn't make a lot of sense another's a failed business partner he said there's a business that failed and that guy was pissed off at him and he said well i don't know what he's doing i don't know what he's doing i don't know what he's doing and i don't know what he's doing and i don't know what he's doing and i don't know what he's doing and i don't know what he's doing against as well uh he said also it might have been some kids i saw some kids riding around on bikes maybe they thought it'd be funny to murder a man and blow him up in a car it's not really a teenage casino it looked crazy looked insane so alan ran down a list i mean he gave him like a dozen people who could probably might might could be pissed at him enough to kill him he's in real business but the police are not going to let him go he's going to let him go he's going to let him go he said um we're looking at miriam oh and he was like what he so yeah this detective wells called sean afterward to tell him we're focusing on miriam we think she did it and honestly we think you might be in danger and he said what are you a fucking asshole my wife didn't try to fucking kill me stupid what are you lazy you don't want to do your fucking job that's what he was saying basically get to work uh the detective said alan was not happy with me when i called him to let him know that i was on miriam and i felt that he might be in danger he was upset with me he told me miriam would never hurt him he said he got super pissed and he said alan said quote oh god no i don't think that why would she do that okay that's a direct quote um he said he would be shocked if she tried to do something like that he said quote i can't imagine her being malicious what i could imagine her as being very sick but i don't think she's sick so that'd be the only way she would do that if she was a real sick fucking lady um he said number one we have a prenuptial agreement so if she blows me up really doesn't do it it's nothing yeah she gets nothing and he even said this is the detective said quote he told me that miriam would never hurt him alan said there's no way it could have been miriam she has no reason to kill me i'm worth way more to her alive than dead which is true way to do it yeah he's like i don't understand why would she kill me if the gravy train ends the day i die that doesn't make sense so thing basically any he would put a dead end on anything they said he's like it ain't my fucking wife if that's where you're going to be in this investigation i'm not even going to fucking talk to you people oh and without the victim's cooperation and anything else basically that just it's a cold dead end and the case is closed that's it we don't know what happened could have been anybody i guess so that's april 30th 2008 june 10th 2008 this is uh what a month and 10 days later yeah um they have a plan alan and miriam are supposed to be running separate errands and then meeting up for lunch at a chinese restaurant okay that sounds like a good day miriam's going shopping she stops at the pharmacy to pick up alan's prescription and learns that he never even dropped it off so she can't get it um lunchtime comes and she says she shows up at the chinese restaurant and he's not there no alan so she starts calling and leaving voicemails one of the people who's going to be there is a guy named alan and he's going to be there for a month one is hey honey i'm here at the restaurant and you're not what's going on and then another says hey alan this isn't funny anymore i've been sitting here in front of the chinese place for 15 minutes and you're never late so these are the voicemails she leaves um she also said that um one of the alan's daughters called miriam at 9 28 a.m asking to speak to her father and she said that miriam said that she was running errands at the local walmart super center and that her father went to pick up a family vehicle that had been serviced now miriam told other people she left her home around 8 15 a.m and that alan was showering but never mentioned anything about him having to pick up a car that morning which who knows that's that's you know let me tell you every errand we have to run you might have just left shit out who cares it is fun that uh we get tech we get mess we get voicemails when we're 15 minutes late about how this isn't funny anymore yeah yeah , let a woman be 15 minutes late and leave her that voicemail this isn't funny anymore yeah you're gonna get yelled at for that you better shut the fuck up about what's not funny yeah i had shit to do so yeah so she walked into the house that's great she walked into the house called for alan about noon he doesn't answer moved through the rooms into the kitchen and finds alan on the floor face down single gunshot wound to the back of the head like we talk about houses ransacked drawers have been pulled out chairs have knocked up been knocked over a truck has been pulled out a truck has been pulled out a truck has been pulled out a truck trash can is tipped on its side yeah this is the day that they were supposed to go to lunch this is the day they were supposed to go to lunch the day we started with where alan's dead on the floor by the way what burglar is going to knock over let's knock over that trash can because people keep their valuables in the garbage usually that's where they keep them so that's not their jizz rag or some shit they're going to keep that in there so 9-1-1 call she calls 9-1-1 and says they broke into my house it's on simono road was crying so hard she couldn't give the address she had to spell out the name of the street and she said someone broke in and she said quote this is from the recording it looks like somebody came in and robbed him which if you walked in and just saw a bunch of shit knocked over you'd think yeah looks like someone robbed him um so the cop who responded here uh said that mesa dispatch received a call from miriam that she'd come home from being downtown after alan failed to meet up with her and she found her husband alan dead in the street and she said i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm in a pool of blood on the floor so they come in like we said she's crying hysterically the jewelry is in these places six firearms throughout the house media photographer outside all sorts of you know headlines of holy shit run for the hills lock your doors hide your children there's murderers on the list so but they look and they say it doesn't look right like i said it looks like it's set up by someone who never burglarized the thing uh number one they said where the house is is 40 acres at the end of a remote road yeah the locals all say nobody unless you live there nobody goes down there it's no reason to such a long drive to hit at that end and not have anything to do um the other thing is the ransacking they tore up the kitchen but not the rest of the house oh and basically the cop said who the fuck keeps their valuables in the kitchen right it's not where anybody's valuables are in the bedroom very valuable yeah you know what you ever have one of those lay crusade fucking let crusette fucking they're like 500 bucks for a fucking frying pan you know what i yeah if anyone has like a real expensive cooking set that's worth killing them for at this point those are really expensive i got a couple of pans in there that i'm like i'd rather somebody take my guns yeah rather someone take one of my cars these are expensive i have a kitchenaid mixer man you know what that shit that's expensive i got a couple of uh the steel those old cast irons oh yeah yeah very well seasoned you steal that i'll forget about it so you know how long it took to get those right how many steaks i had to cook in that fucking thing so that's an odd thing uh the drawers that have been pulled open were all pulled to roughly the same distance yeah which is interesting and the trash can tipped over is like for what that's what they said unless he tripped over it and nothing is gone basically so they're like this doesn't make sense his wallet is right there by the body with cash and credit cards still oh cash in it cash actual cash yeah his cell phone was right there jewelry guns electronics value shit that you robbers take is all there still so they said um that yeah finding the the credit cards and the cash in his wallet they were like what the fuck this is this is staged um now during the autopsy they find a gunshot wound to the back of the head as the cause of death they also find advanced heart disease alan was not in good shape he wasn't doing well at all not doing well at all not doing well at all so i mean wasn't gonna live another 20 years yeah put it that way unless he got something seriously taken care of with his heart what did he and his ex-wife eat their whole lives that did shit i mean think about they came up in the 50s and 60s slope jesus christ almighty who knows when people ate think about the breakfast people used to eat every day that's insane it's all those people died of heart attacks when they were 62 that's the really is amazing the the amount of slow the blood down that they would start at 6 a.m that's crazy man i don't i never understood let's put some serp in there i never got that heavy things and and pork and fucking carb fucking cakes man yeah that was never i never really had breakfast like that no no growing up i wasn't into that no i mean my mom didn't cook shit it was there's cereal in the club yeah yeah my grandmother was always uh fruit and like maybe english muffins that's breakfast like it's italian italians don't eat big breakfast they huge dinners they don't eat big breakfast and thankfully my mom didn't never gave me that like shitty malta meal the bag cereal she always some of that she always gave me good cereal you got the bag cereal no that's why what do you think i love i'm a freak for cereal now because it's the cereal i fucking wanted fucking cocoa cocoa lumps and fucking fruit hoops i had it all jimmy i'm not eating lumps for breakfast i tried to make it as unattractive as possible but i like i ate fruit hoops and all that kind of shit yeah i ate them honey cracks why are the names so fucking funny unlucky charms i had them all jimmy there's a cookie cookie crunch a little different than cookie crisp tricks you got jokes god damn man that's horrible oh man it was cocoa lumps is the funniest cocoa lumps want some want some cocoa lumps my mom brought that bag in the house i swear to god i'm out i'll die by morning i'm not eating that that's crazy it's so bad man i'm not eating any any tracks i'm not having them tragic tracks i don't want them that's so funny uh thankful but she always gave us uh she always gave us the the name brand cereals i was wow it was very nice of her oh that is great no that's great man that's that's it was always yeah it was whatever one was on sale it was never like i want honey home she'd never bring those home it would be oh no whatever the fuck was cheap four for ten two for five two for four even that's where it was at i have it took me like until four years ago i had never bought cereal that was on it wasn't on sale i've never bought retail price cereal until like four years ago cereal is crazy when i'm you know doing okay and i was looking and i was like i want that but it's not on sale anyway i'm gonna spend an extra two dollars so i can get the thing i want you know what fuck it it was the first time in my life i've done that and it never cocoa pebbles is 439 i'm paying it fuck it i don't care i'm not waiting until it's two for five and then i can match with the fruities i'm not doing it it's also six or seven meals in that box too you know what i mean it's not worth it yeah it's not like it's fucking worth it it's not like you're paying fucking four dollars for a bowl of cereal no that would be insane obviously that's ridiculous i'm on a big tricks kick right now by the way i loved when they had the the tricks that were the shapes of the fruit that's what they do now that's what they're back to that yeah they they go back and forth between the shapes and the balls they're back to shapes i love the shapes get in there yeah unless you want the tropical one which has like moana on it that's like balls of weird looking shit yeah but this you should get the regular one the shapes was i was like this is crazy i have bananas in my bowl i haven't i haven't but great bunches where where does it end look at this this is crazy that's fucking great the the name the non-name brand one was just vague shapes it wasn't really like what is that it's purple i guess that's grapes i don't really see that's a cucumber that's not even a lime whatever all right so the other thing the time of death yeah his time of death was estimated to the morning when miriam was out shopping and in that window but all there's a not an exact time of death it's a big window and the earliest part of the window is three in the morning okay so it's basically between like three in the morning and ten in the morning seven hour window that he's been robbed and plugged in the head and okay which is a big window he could have been killed hours before sunrise he could have done anything so the first rule they say and this is the an investigator said when investigators see a murder occur the first thing we always say is check the spouse obviously they're the closest one so please talk to miriam she's taken through the station and asked to walk through her day and not only does she walk through her day she gets from her own pocket a bunch of receipts of every single store she was at that morning oh she's so like yeah you could see time stamps while i was here and then i was here and then i was here so you know exactly where she was um all verified her cell phone they found to be have pinged off the towers consistent with where she said she was as well as having the receipts store surveillance cameras caught her at the store she named at the time she said she was there the voicemails were her voice looks pretty good the only thing is they're saying she could have killed him before she went out and did all that cold that's the problem yeah she could have done it from three in the morning on so she could have shot him took a shower got all the blood and gunshot residue off of her and all that kind of shit got dressed nice went out went shopping and then said look at me stone cold alibi just sat in a parking lot screaming this isn't funny anymore that's that's this isn't funny anymore that's what they're saying i mean she'd have to be obviously diabolical to do that but yeah um the this is the sergeant who worked their firebombing case there said in my experience as an investigator most people in that situation would not be frazzled enough to uh would be i'm sorry would be frazzled enough to not be prepared to present those things at that time but not miriam she was ready to go and ready to prove that timeline right away which seems odd now they she voluntarily submits to gsr test guns shot residue tests hands arms and face comes back negative okay okay her clothing shows no significant blood transfer either other than when she was leaning things consistent with her being like that no like high velocity spatter or anything like that um the other thing is they said it's just weird the one one investigator said a person that does enough research knows that if they go shower change their clothes you're not going to find gunshot residue on them especially from a small caliber pistol like a 25 yeah so the 357 it'll leave enough on you where it might stick around but a 25 has a 25 is it's short too it's yeah they said it's just it has very little gsr to begin with it just does they said a 25 so the time gap if you showered if you did other shit not exactly you know it makes sense that it wouldn't be there um so june this about two weeks goes by a little bit here oh my god they have nothing it's just they have a robbery basically that they don't think is a robbery but they have no proof that she did anything or they have no proof of anything but we've got a dead guy and we've got to bury him this sucks we sure got a dead guy yeah june 22nd 2008 miriam says that strange things have been happening at the house oh cabinets opening on their own a door she knew that she'd locked would be unlocked now oh so yeah they're like are you saying she's got like you're like like a haunting yeah ghost did this uh then she said also maybe not it might be people because she said a suspicious white truck kept cruising past the house she asked neighbors if they'd seen seen anyone lurking around her house and they all said no not at all you're in the middle of nowhere right then one day now this is she's got her friend penny with her remember penny the dancer that said that you know alan got a spark back she stepped onto the porch and she spots a white envelope poking out from under the doormat yeah written across it it says to the grieving widow that's her okay that's her inside is a card a greeting card hallmark card on the cover is the fake line that einstein never said which is insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results yeah who said that someone made it up and said if we say it's einstein everyone will think it's true it's not einstein so uh that's on the front of the greeting card yeah and then when you open it up it's blank inside you're in the middle of nowhere and then you open it up and it's blank inside kind of shit she said she started running errands at 9 a.m at the orchard mesa market at one six one seven six tuna or one seven six twenty nine road and went to several other stores until about 11 went to get chinese food he never answered she went home um during her errands she called six times and left four voicemails wow now the other thing they learn is they really wanted to figure out what's up with that card because if someone did put that card on there obviously they'd be someone they would want to talk to because that's like a murdery thing to do so they need to find out who did this now there's no prints there's no dna so someone did this right the card itself though has no barcode but someone made this card it's a store-bought card somebody made the it's not a homemade card yeah a company has it a company made this card yeah so they contact the company that made the card and said we got this fake einstein selling this yeah where are you selling it we got your bullshit einstein who gets your horse shit on there's probably got einstein's face on it too um and they said well it's only sold at three stores in that area okay so that's good narrow it down they went to the stores and a loss prevention officer at a city market which is about 10 to 13 miles from the helmic home said that that exact card had been recently okay and i have video if you want to see the person buying it that's amazing that they can just yeah we based on this barcode we know exactly when it didn't even have a barcode many of them yeah it didn't even have a barcode right but the the ones that exist you can just pull that barcode and be like yeah this barcode's been run this many times totally absolutely so they they uh they get the tape it's a vhs that they record over all the time so i mean you can't it's snowy and everything but they can see it's fucking miriam buying the card oh miriam it's miriam how dare you you threatened yourself she carried it up to the register paid in cash and walked out four days before it was she found it under her doormat she was also wearing the same style of shirt that she had walked in with in her during her interview so like it's definitely her she's even wearing her shirt that she wears how how do you know what i'm talking about she's wearing the same style of shirt that she's wearing and she's wearing the same style of shirt that she's wearing and she's wearing the same style of shirt that she's wearing and she's wearing the same style of shirt that she's wearing and she's wearing the same style of shirt that she's wearing and she's wearing the same style of shirt that she's wearing and she's wearing the same style of shirt that she's wearing and she's wearing the same style of shirt that she's wearing and she's wearing the same style of shirt that she's wearing and she's wearing the same style of shirt that she's wearing and she's wearing the same style of shirt that she's wearing and she's wearing the same style of shirt that she's wearing and she's wearing the same style not. And then they showed her the tape and she went, okay, fine. I bought it. It's me. I mean, the easy thing to, to wait to sidestep that and say, I bought a bunch of cards. Why would she only buy one? That's a stupid move. I had a bunch of cards in the house. Somebody took one out of the house and wrote it to me. That's a good answer. You could try that. That's the best answer you got. It's not good, but it's better than, okay, fine. It's me, I guess. It's better than I've never seen it before. Well, here's a tape of you seeing it. Oh shit. Fuck. So her explanation was that I didn't do it to throw you off the course or to try to, I did it to try to help you guys. Oh God, ma'am. She said she felt the police weren't working hard enough on Alan's murder. So she planted the threat. So it would reignite the case under right at light of fire under their ass and maybe even get some more media attention, which would force you guys to do more work on this. You don't understand. I gave you another clue. Yeah. And they were like, huh? All day, every day. We've been working on this. There's not a lot of murders around here. This is kind of a big deal. People are wanting this solved. So she also said, I even know who my, I know who killed my husband. I know who did it. And they said, well, who? And she said, Alan jr. Oh, his own son. She said he had a strained relationship with Alan senior and recently cut him off financially. So he had motive to do this. She said also, I think Alan jr. Has a methamphetamine problem. Oh, he's a method. That's what she says. Who knows? And suggested that I think not only did he now stay with me, she said, this is going to be crazy. You guys all listen in the bated breath with notebooks. And they said, not only did he kill Alan, I think he tried to blow up the car too. Oh, he followed us on our road trip. Diabolical. So the investigators, I mean, they had to take it at face value. They brought Alan in, they checked him. He had a hundred percent solid alibis for both the fire day and the killing day. Not the thing about when you make it up. Uh, yeah, they're doing their day. Yeah. And he was, he was still saying, oh, I love my dad. And he's the best guy ever. So then the prosecutor said that Alan had taken out a $25,000 life insurance policy six days. After his murder. I don't know. How did you do that? Miriam called asking how she could collect the money, but she was told she couldn't because the policy was void after several monthly premiums went unpaid. If you're going to take, you know, you have to pay the premium stupid. That's part of it. You got to pay your bills. So then they go to the computers. Now they take Miriam's computer and they found over 180 searches, related to Alan's medications. Oh, now mind you, there's no poison in a system or anything like that. The gunshot wound is the, the death. She searched ambient overdose. She searched Viagra overdose. Oh, your dick explodes. It's just like Porky's rifle. That's it. Yeah. It's all frayed on the end. It's Elmer Fudd, isn't it? Yeah. Whatever. It's Elmer Fudd. Yeah. But I get what you meant. I saw him. They're similar looking. They're the same guy. Same dude. Yeah. So she also, uh, she searched that what happens when you mix ambient and Viagra, if you have heart problems, because she knows he's got heart issues. Dang, that's a sleepy boner. Then she searched poisoning methods, uh, ways of poisoning people that are undetectable, less detectable and all that kind of shit. Um, it's wild. Um, if this is true, this woman went through all, all the trouble in the world and was like, fuck it. I'm going to shoot him. Exactly. Yeah. Wow. So the computer, by the way, was a gateway, which is just, if you want a little blast from the past with the cow spots and all that shit. Those cow spots are amazing. They had whole giant stores full of those fucking things. That's insane. The box that showed up was all cow print. It was all big cow print. Um, so this computer was Miriam's computer and showed the repeated internet searches, but overdosing on the drugs. He already had and different fucking ways to make it. She even searched for how to put a horse down at home. Oh, you monster. They presumed that that was for him, not the horse. There's no horses have been put down. So if you can put a horse down with something, you could probably do it for a 64 year old guy too. I'll bet the first page says, uh, how big a gun you got. Yeah. You got a big old gun. Uh, you got one of those things they hit the cows with in the head when you, yeah, those are very expensive. To put down. I bet. Yeah. Horse. It costs thousands. Everything with a horse costs thousands of dollars. Everything. Yeah. They just know only rich dumb fucks will pay shit for horses. So they just charge whatever they want. Yeah. That's what it is. But when you, when you put them down, I mean that, that horse is thousands of pounds. So you put it down and then 600 pound horse, you have to deal with now. It's dead weight. Some, some are 2000 pounds, 1500 pounds. They're huge. They're huge. Yeah. So they said that, you know, he was, his daughters thought that he wasn't himself lately and that he was far more ill than he should be, but no poison was ever found in his system. We don't know if she was doing experiments. It didn't work. Then they find out that investigators learned that Miriam might've had access to a 25 caliber pistol. Oh, this kid pistol. Alan had received from the estate of his first wife's stepfather. He, the stepfather had given it to the daughter through a, you know, a death. And then he ended up with it after she died. Sure. Now investigators cannot find the 25 caliber is not one of the guns they found in the house. Oh, but ballistics experts said that if they could find a bullet fired from the gun, they could match it with the bullet that's in Alan's head and maybe they could do something. Sure. So we'll get more on that in a second, by the way. Now they have a prenup. So they're like, you know, why would she do it? And that's when they look at the, all the fraud she was doing. And they were like, oh, that's why. So he didn't leave, kick her out. Then the police discover her past. They hadn't known shit about her before this. Yeah. Jacksonville is a nebulous place. Well, they didn't even know she was from Jacksonville really. Really? So they said, oh, okay. She is from out of state. And then when they figured out Florida, the sergeant said, after those discoveries, I realized this is not just bad luck for Miriam. I realized there's more to the story than we know. Daughter, Amy, dead at 23 of an accidental overdose. $100,000 policy goes to Miriam. Husband, Jack, dead by a suicide from a gunshot to the wrong side of her head. And her own half-brother is the guy processing it and deciding that it's a suicide. And another $100,000 policy that she blew through. Then she was in jail on the counterfeit check thing. She allegedly embezzled from her own father and stopped the mail from coming, just like she was doing with Alan. We're talking about a third life insurance policy possibly going to this woman. How many life insurance policies on average does a person claim? I hope not many. I have none on anybody, I don't think. I got to assume it's one, maybe two. Me and you have life insurance for each other because we run a business together and we have to. That's it. Yeah. If you die, this shit's over. I'm taking it and running. Yeah, that's it. All 80 grand. You should think I'm staying up all night reading this shit. Fuck you. I'm going to buy a trailer on the western slope of the Rockies. That's it. Call it a fucking life. That's amazing. So, anyway, they said the fire on her parents' back porch, by the way, was also then arson. It all lines up. And the detective in Florida, or the detectives in Colorado asked Florida, please reopen the Jack Giles case. We're pretty sure she did this. And Florida said, no. We're Jacksonville. Nope. We're not. Yeah, there's plenty of people die here. We don't care. There are gators. Everywhere. We don't have time to investigate shit. They said that they would not help pursue it as a murder. They'll do nothing for anyone in Colorado or reopen this here. We don't care. Not our problem. We're not investigating anything. Nope. Real nice work down there. Now, Miriam, when they go to talk to Miriam now, they realize she has left. She's gone out of Colorado. She's left the state. She left Colorado, too. She fucking took off. Wow. That's it. She can't afford the house anymore and anything like that. So, she takes off. She moved in with her son, who told her to stay put in Colorado and settle everything. And she told him, no, the police cleared me. They said it's fine. So, I'm coming to live with you in Florida. She went back to Florida. Jacksonville. Back to Jacksonville to live with her adult son. Yeah. And she also, her friends are loaning her money and, you know, so she can get clothes and get back on her feet. It's bad. So, what does she do? Starts dating again. Yeah. Immediately. They were like. Her friends were saying, like, isn't this a little. Or, like, he just died. Like, this is, like, September 2008. They're like, he died, like, in the beginning of the summer. But it wasn't. I mean, he had a heart disease. He was going to die anyway. That's how kind of she's saying it. She got onto a. She did a dating app or a website at the time. And it's basically one of the ones that matches millionaires with women. Yeah. That's the one she gets on, of course. She's not looking for love here. Yeah. She told a friend before she ever met Alan. Miriam said that she wanted a rich old man who and didn't care if he had one foot in the grave. Good Lord. And she said about Alan, quote, it took me a long time to find Alan. He was the only one with a portfolio big enough to suit me. That's what she told a friend. On this site, she found a wealthy older man near Orlando whose profile says he was looking for a partner who could do what, Jimmy? Ah, dance. Dance. Dance, bitch. Now that I can dance. And also one who loved horses. Uh-huh. I mean, it should have said, Miriam, where are you? Yeah. So if it said, Miriam, where are you? She wouldn't have been able to answer because she's not going by Miriam at this point. What? She changed her name? She didn't change it. She's going by a few things. Now, I'll say that in a second. She messaged him that she could dance any dance. Uh-huh. And, you know, he liked her. They hit it off. She drove a few hours to Orlando, spent the weekend with him. Yeah. He thinks, though, her name is not Miriam because she introduces herself as Sharon Helmick. Do you know who that is? Do you remember? His ex-wife that died? His dead wife. Not ex-wife. His dead wife. His widower? Why did she do that? She has stolen her ID and is using her fucking ID and saying, I'm Sharon Helmick. Sharon Helmick. She even used her name to get a job for two months doing sales. What? She has stolen her identity. She's taken the identity of a woman whose heart exploded like a water balloon in her chest. Two years before the fucking ball even dropped. What an asshole. She's an asshole. And according to the guy down there, she explained her availability was basically her late husband died of a brain disease and that had been coming for years. And that's why she was free to date so soon because she'd been prepared for so long to lose him. And he hadn't been, like, lucid or anything in months. And so, I mean, she's really, she's mourned him for years. He died of a brain disease where his brain's allergic to 25 caliber bullets. Well, his brain's on the cabinets and apparently that's a disease. You got to keep those in your skull, apparently, from what I understand. It's on the outside. Yeah. Your brain's actually come to the outside of your skull. It's terrible. Terrible disease. What an asshole. She's such a dick. She's a dick, man. This is a dick. It's incredible. Then they find, and this is the treasure trove here. Yeah. They find a business associate of Miriam, who's a horse trainer, who, wow. They talk to her. Her name is Jerry with a J, J-E-R-I. Now, she says here that lately, in late 2008, Miriam claimed to her. To Jerry, that she was in a mental health institution after attempting to commit suicide. Don't we wish. That's what she told her friend. So, they were like, okay. She said she admitted after she tried to hurt herself. This is Jerry Yarbrough as the horse breeder. And she said that, you know, Yarbrough said that Miriam didn't offer any details about the incident other than, quote, it's not like I tried to shoot myself. She tried to off herself in some way is what she's saying. But she's never in a mental institution or anything like that. She's just lying. This conversation happened in September 2008 after Miriam had phoned Jerry, quote, out of the blue about the health of a horse. When asked why Jerry didn't ask more questions, she said, I didn't want to know. I was getting more crazy in the whole thing. The whole case was just going bizarre. Every time she talks, it gets weirder. I want to know. I want to know part of this. I don't care is what she said. Well, that's not my problem. I'm sure there's cops involved. Then she talks about a phone call that she had with Miriam on June 12th, 48 hours after the murder. June 12th. My birthday, by the way. She said that Jerry said that about a this is a separate phone call with Miriam. Jerry Yarbrough said she was struck by Miriam's matter-of-fact demeanor and how she just volunteered information, including how the. Police had seized her clothing from June 10th to check for, and she said, quote, high-velocity blood spatter. Oh, which is very specific. Miriam told Yarbrough that she suspected that a man affiliated with Dance Junction had killed her husband. So somebody who was some disgruntled two-stepper is. I don't is pissed. How could how could anybody be mad enough about anything? At a dance studio to murder somebody? I mean, I just can't get that Foxtrot. It is so I can't get it. It's so weird. So she said she couldn't recall Miriam's reply when asked if she had reported these suspicions to law enforcement. And then Miriam told her, quote, the cops don't care what I have to say. Right. Don't care. Also, Miriam volunteered other bits of information during the June 12th conversation, because, of course, she did. The fact that someone had set her cars, her husband's car on fire while it was in the parked outside his business. She had said, quote, I found out this is what she this is the quote, quote, I found out a car won't explode if it has a full tank of gas. And then she left. This is two days after what? Wow. OK, I found out, which I believe is physics, by the way, which is pretty ironic. Yeah. But he could have told you that. Yeah. He probably could have told you all about why that happened. So, yeah, she found out and then laughed. So and then she said, this is Jerry said she said she was going to miss his sense of humor. And then she laughed again. God damn. Damn. When pressed by Miriam here or later on, I mean, Yarbrough said she didn't immediately report the statements to law enforcement because she doesn't believe Miriam confided about. Committing crimes. So what was I going to do? Call and say she's weird on the phone. Right. Like we assume she's the spouse. You're already looking into her like we just assume that I'm not going to call you up and go, hey, she's acting, I don't know, kind of funny. Yeah. She kind of laughed at a weird time. So I know you guys don't have any evidence yet or anything or else she'd be in handcuffs. But maybe if you could just arrest her anyways. Also, people, people that have a spouse or even just even an ex spouse that die, sometimes they say some wild shit. Your brain is. It's weird. It's a weird time. Michael, when he was dying, his ex-wife, they'd been divorced for four or five years. She wandered by the room and goes, he's on life support. And she wanders by the room and goes, just go with God. And then walked away. I was like, he's right there. I think he's working on it. He's getting ready is what he's putting his shoes on. I think he's trying his hardest, really. I mean, he's on life support. What more do you want from this poor man? Oh, death. That's what you want. Okay, never mind. As a matter of fact, I think they had just taken him off and he was still breathing and doing fine. Yeah, it takes a minute. You don't just die as soon as they take you off. Everybody thinks they like you. They don't even unplug it. That's not a thing either. You pull the plug and then it goes beep. And then the guy's dead. And you go, well, that's that. And everybody goes home. If they pulled the plug, it would make no noises at all. It's got no electricity. There's nothing there. They literally disconnect you from it. And slowly it tapers off. Right. She was just like, go with God. I'm like. bitch i still love him you may not can we have maybe 10 more minutes then after i mean now you're impatient unbelievable clearly we're at the end um now you're impatient so jerry um here also said that miriam all said that alan had been an asshole to her the last couple of weeks but didn't go into detail okay okay and miriam also told jerry that she'd been hiding money at the dance studio so that she had access to money and then she said to jerry quote i sure am gonna miss him and then laughed hysterically wow she's an asshole just like a dick wow wow um that's fucking wild um and she's also said i didn't know that a full tank wouldn't blow up and then laughed again so she's really working on her hot five james she really is man she thinks it's killing she's yeah she is she's well it's 2008 she's still thinking she can get on like the tonight show or something it's still a thing to get on a late night show she's trying and she's selling the jokes by laughing at him herself if you do that it encourages laughter yeah it's like when dave chapelle smacks the mic on his leg it's that it's that fucking cue you to laugh now you that's training you to laugh is what that is when a comic does that they're they're training you in the first two minutes and then by five minutes into it it's i say a joke i hit the thing you laugh now it's a i stumble and almost fall down myself and yeah because i'm so like i didn't even know that was coming out of my mouth my own jokes that's that's what comics do sadly enough you want to behind the scenes that's what it is i am shocked that's how amazing i am all right i'm cracking my own shit up and it's wild that you folks found it so funny too weird you see it you see where i'm going yeah you see you got it so prosecutors here um they want to try to figure out if she actually tried to give him cpr and this is one of the things that happens in a lot of these cases the laurie valo daybell case they found out in arizona that he definitely she wasn't giving charles valo cpr and cory richards all of a sudden he's like oh my god i'm also pretended to do cpr and neither did her brother and they're yeah bullshit all bullshit so the prosecutors use of they have a bunch of people they're trying to round up here um so they they said that uh she's hurt on the 9-1-1 call sobbing as the dispatcher tries to coach her through cpr which by the way she's at least like acting hysterical cory richards doesn't even try on the 9-1-1 call like they're like do cpr and she's like nah and they're like can you can you pull him off the bed can you get him on the floor and she's like i don't know no like she's real just like yeah i don't know i can't do she called him heavy or something that was later when she's like he was just so cold and heavy but on 9-1-1 she might have said that but she they were like you should do this and she's like i can't i can't do it you have there's no can't bitch you have to and she's like and she's like one one thousand two one thousand not out of breath from frantically she's not doing chest compressions she's not doing shit so she's heard doing that and as they're coaching her through cpr at one point she tells the dispatcher she's following the instructions okay now former uh a county sheriff deputy who was the first law enforcement on the scene said that he'd been advised by dispatchers that that she was in the process of performing cpr on her husband so this guy expected to walk in on cpr and she's like i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know but when he walked in miriam was just kneeling on the side of her husband but not performing any form of cpr yeah and he also testified she had no blood on her face hands or clothing and no bloody towels were found there so it's not like she was giving him you know he was blowing in his mouth and then wiped her face off or something none of that shit so um a doctor of forensic uh a doctor who's a forensic pathologist to examine alan also said he found no evidence of bruising fractures on alan's chest which you always get from cpr if not fractures at least bruising right especially when someone's frantically doing it because they're bashing down on you a lot of people don't know to put firm pressure to do it they're just fucking whacking away yeah and even that leaves bruising because you're doing it hard and you're pressing past the point where it should go so you're you're doing that and it'll break your ribs or sternum a lot of times so um they believe the doctor said that he believes no attempt to do it but he's not going to do it okay now the bullet here we go because right now this is all very circumstantial bullshit yeah this is i mean it's it looks bad it's a mountain of circumstance but where's the where's the smoking gun so to speak right so the murder weapon's a 25 caliber never recovered but alan's daughter remembered there had been a 25 caliber in the house in the past belonging to her mother sharon handed down from sharon's stepfather like we said now she this is wow this daughter really good shit here she said okay about 20 years ago yeah right away it's an eyebrow right 20 years ago probably 1989 sharon's stepfather who had the 25 at the time when he's obviously still alive got into an altercation near his home and struggled with a neighbor who tried to intervene and fired a shot into the ground to dispel the situation what the stepfather he got into a scuffle with a neighbor and another warning shot into the ground and i guess it was two on one and he said fuck this boom who wants some so i think the ground is better than in the sky where it landed on somebody so one shot warning shot into the ground into the ground now this is a long shot because they're like okay if we could recover that bullet and it's the same gun which they don't know it's the same gun it's a 25 caliber which is not an uncommon gun no it's a saturday night special women carry it in their purse all over this country yep so there's like they don't know it's the same gun but if they could find on a 50 acre property yeah where he shot into the ground 20 years ago and he may have mowed since then that's the thing about a 25 too it's not a lot of powder behind it so it could have just hit the ground and bounced off he may have mowed and took that shit somewhere else shot it into the woods or there's no woods around here but into the mountains off the mesa i don't know shot off onto the plane somewhere yeah yeah somewhere somewhere down into the desert there where the those poor people are farming on the hillside landed in some buffalo shit somewhere ah that gets very possible so this is a real like they heard this and they're like you know what are the what are the fucking odds of this you know like this is stupid so but they said something anything whatever so they they said let's go look so they go to try to find a 20 year old slug pumped into the ground by a man nowhere near connected to this fucking case i mean a dead woman's dead stepfather on a random shitty afternoon a dead man's dead wife's dead stepfather that's whose bullet we're looking for here it's a lot a lot of death so they want to see um they said the gun um basically it was the the gun miriam had access to a 25 so they were like you know who knows so the neighbor who'd been 20 years earlier still lived nearby oh and was willing to go over and show them the rough area that the that this happened in he remembers well he remembered well yeah you're gonna remember that when your neighbor busted a shot off because there was a scuffle so they bring in the county brings in a retired officer who everybody knows as like mr metal detector like he's the best he does it in his free time he's really good with a metal detector and can find anything and if you it's really hard and if you're not good at it you're not good at it yeah we had this one guy who would come over and metal detect in our yard because we have a 200 year old house yeah and he'd find all sorts of cool shit but i mean he was really out there like on his knees and he's going around he'd find like old coins from the 1800s and cool shit like that out there and he gave us everything he just wanted to find it everybody found a belt buckle and a bunch of shit on the lower half of a body i'm like james there's a body somewhere there's somewhere a pocket watch a fucking knife a belt buckle that's everything below the waist yeah not my problem either that or somebody somebody got to fucking and they were like pants off and just ran with their dick then And then ran. So they said, this is the guy. If it's out there, he's going to find it. So they sent him out over all of this acreage with a metal detector and said, find us one bullet if you could. A.25. A specific one. It's the size of your pinky nail, James. Yeah. It's a very small bullet. Very tiny, yeah. So they're like, find that. Yeah. And he fucking did. What? He pulled a fucking tiny.25 caliber out of the ground that's been there for 20 fucking years. Wow. He pulls it out of the ground. Now, it's damaged and corroded from 20 years in the soil, of course. And they said, ah, shit. And it was damaged from impact. The fatal bullet's damaged from impact. But the firearms examiner looks at them and finds the rifling and striations consistent. You can imagine. Consistent enough to conclude they've been fired from the same gun. Wow. Think about that. That's good police work. No, shit. That is. And not even police work, too. That's also great thinking on the daughter. To go, hey, this might be nothing, but I think there was a.25 involved.20. I mean, think about the memory for that. Yeah. Who the fuck knows what gun your step-grandfather had 20 years ago. I mean, it's probably the only event she remembers from that gun. Maybe, yeah. I don't think you're going to forget that when the barbecue was ruined. How would you know it was a.25? And how would you say, I bet it's the same.25? Like, that's crazy. I wouldn't have known that. So, anyway, they compare. Western slope people know. Fucking firearms. They know firearms. Boy, do they. Yeah, they need to. So, then, the car fire they talk about, too, here. This detective didn't throw anything out. So, when Mesa County called Delta to ask, on the off chance, whether anyone had kept evidence from that failed arson that they closed the case on, Detective Sean Wells said, I got everything. I got the wick. I got it all. And so, I have the, you know, the pull came out of the device. It's in the evidence room. He said, quote, Mesa County called and asked if I had any evidence by chance from an attempted arson case. I was able to let them know that I did keep the wick as evidence and still had it in my property room. So, the prosecutors and DA determined the type of rope the wick was made from and found the same type of rope in Miriam's horse trailer, the trailer she used to haul her horses. Not good. A cutout consistent with a horse lead or rope from her own equipment, as well. And they said the thing, obviously. It looked like that. So, yeah. And then they processed Miriam's vehicle, by the way, and they found a very small amount of gunshot residue on the steering wheel. Oh, she fired a gun and drove. Drove. Oh, my God. She did that. She fucking did all this shit. Did her whole ass day. She is with a little bit of gunshot residue on her hand, and it must have worn off by the time. By the time they were doing a GSR test, it was 12 hours later. She had taken a shower, done errands, probably washed her hands 10 times. So, December 8th, 2008, in Duval County, Florida, she is arrested. Wow. She is charged with murder, attempted murder, because they're charging her for the arson attempt, and 10 counts of forgery, also, for all the checks. Oh, shit. It might be 11 counts with the insurance thing, too. Now, they take her into custody, and when they arrest her. The ID she has on her is Sharon Helmick's ID. Oh, fuck. Wow. They should add identity theft to it, too, honestly. That's just par for the course in Florida. Yeah, that's just normal down there. Par for the Florida course, everybody. That's just the sixth hole in Florida. So. That fucking Casey Anthony pretended. She stole the. I mean, she didn't even. She's invented an identity. An identity, a job, everything. I work down this hallway. Yeah. Where's your office? Oh, shit. Never mind. So Florida. It's so Florida. So she's returned to Colorado. She appears in court, and she's charged with all these things. She cannot make bail, because it's $2 million. Ooh. A little pricey. And Alan's oldest daughter, Portia, is in control of his assets. So that's that. She's not alone. Now, her new boyfriend, Charles Kirkpatrick. Yeah. This is unexpected for this poor bastard. He was surface up as a witness, too. And he said he already kind of got out of the relationship. Yeah. Not because he thought she was a murderer, but he said that he was scared off by. She was pushing too early and too often to move into his place already, because she lived with her kid. Yeah. She wanted out. So. I need a house. Yep. And then they talk about, what about her first husband? Well, J.P. Morgan, who at the time. This was going on, was still a deputy with the Jacksonville Sheriff's Department. Yeah. Was among the first law enforcement officers who arrived at the scene. The death was ruled a suicide. And they said, it's very obvious. This is an assistant D.A. in Colorado, said, it's very obvious Jacksonville law enforcement did not take this very seriously as a homicide investigation. That's crazy. Then they find images on her computer for 39 driver's licenses. She's got 39 other people's IDs? We don't know if these were for future schemes or past schemes. We're not sure, but she had 38, because 39 was Sharon's. So 38 besides Sharon's. This is crazy. So we don't know what she had planned, and she's not telling anybody. She's just going to run until they caught on to that person and change to another person? Yeah. She doesn't seem to really be planning things out very well. She's bad at this. She's not good at this. No, because she's a fraud person who just kind of robs Peter to pay Paul. And when you get murder involved, you can't rob anybody to pay that back anymore. She's also an 80s and 90s fraud person. She's not a 2013 fraud person. No, no, no, no, no. She's like a catch me if you can, I'll wash this check. She's not a let me get inside the account and do some hacking and some. And she forgot that they already got fail-safes for our wash this check thing. Yeah, because of that. Yeah, because that happened 30 years ago. Idiot. So, the trial comes up, and there is a pretrial ruling about the Jack Giles case. Oh? Whether that can be brought up, her first husband. The judge rules that evidence about Jack Giles' death is inadmissible and too prejudicial. Especially, yeah, because it's still a suicide. It's still technically a suicide, and they said if a jury heard about her dead first husband shot in bed and then signed off on by her brother. It's not going to look good. And basically, they're going to convict her on that alone, essentially. So, the prosecution does their opening, and they say Miriam repeatedly accessed the voicemail of her husband's cell phone in the months leading up to his killing. They said that, you know, they're seeking to illustrate what they allege is a pattern of isolation and already calling it coercive control even back then. They're saying isolation and control by Miriam just before the shooting death of Alan. Um, and, uh, her attorneys obviously say that the authorities can't prove why she was prying into her husband's phone messages. True. Can't prove it. Yeah. Um, at one point, they, uh, yeah, they're talking about all of that. Like, there's no reason for it, so what do you care? Now, the prosecutor who's opening remarks for about an hour, which is a good time, not too long, but, you know, not so short that it's like, Jesus, they don't have anything. Right. Um, they said they're going to hear for a. Uh, from a man who went on a date with, uh, with Miriam in the fall of 2008 in Florida. Um, there, so you're going to hear from that guy. He met the man, she met the man in an online dating service catering to millionaire men. Right. So that will make her look like a gold digger at that point. Uh, the man will testify that Miriam told him that Alan's death was natural and that it wasn't much of a shock. Mm-hmm. That looks bad. I mean, but her being a liar doesn't mean she's a murderer. Right. Because she lied to a guy she's in a fucking relationship with. That's not enough. But if you add it all up, Alan was purposely isolated from his family. Uh, they said when someone on the path to loneliness crosses path with greed, the results are devastating. Yeah. That's the prosecutor. That's a good line. Yeah. Um, the prosecutors also argue the death of her first husband in the face of financial woes shows a pattern. They're not allowed to bring up any. Any of the circumstances. Things like that. Yeah. But in the media, they are. Mm-hmm. Uh, they had written in a court filing, too, Mm-hmm. that the deaths of two successive husbands committing suicide or being murdered in the wake of financial difficulties by someone other than the spouse are extremely small. Very small. That's what they tried to do to get the stuff into court, which it's not allowed to be in the court. So that was their argument. That is fascinating, though, because it's very rare that somebody is in financial woes and somebody murders that person's spouse and they're like, oh, well. And solves it. Well, that was lucky. Well, I'll solve now. Yeah. Now I can pay those bills off. So the defense here, she has a public opinion. She's a public defender. Mm-hmm. And said questioning. Questions surrounding the, um. Basically, uh, they were the ones that argued that you shouldn't let Jack Giles murder into this because, obviously, it's going to be a distraction. And said the fact that Mrs. Helmick had tragedy in her life before doesn't mean she's more likely to commit murder. Okay. Which is also true. Um, the defense slammed law enforcement's efforts on the case, saying they snared an innocent person in an investigation. that quickly arises at Miriam's presumption of guilt, they said. They go on to say that the investigators ignored a series of leads, including a white pickup truck allegedly spotted on several occasions in the couple's neighborhood. Problem is, she's the only one who ever said she saw a white pickup truck. Nobody else did. So the greeting card debunks that. It ruins that argument anyway. It absolutely ruins it. The defense attorney also said that the two people unaccounted for, both dressed in black, were also seen in the area around 6 a.m. on the day of the murder. That never substantiated. He said it doesn't matter to them because they already had their suspect, so they didn't care. Meanwhile, they didn't arrest her for six fucking months. They're acting like they were coming to her house the next day to arrest her. This is a thorough investigation. Now, the defense has to acknowledge that Miriam. Miriam showed, quote, horrible judgment by putting that card under her door. That was terrible judgment there. I'd say so. That was bad. Yeah. That really fucked our whole case, to be honest. I get it that that looks bad, but look at it this way. The defense says, look, we don't have to prove her innocent. All we need to do is show you reasonable doubt. There's no gun, no eyewitnesses, no confession. What are we talking about? You don't have a murder weapon. You have nothing. And so it's pretty strong. No. There's no. There's no. There was no motive because of the prenup. They said that she didn't get a bunch of money from him. As a matter of fact, it fucked or cramped her whole lifestyle. Yeah. And the fact that you've connected a bullet in the ground with a bullet in his head, what does that mean? That his ex-wife did this? His widower did this? Yeah. Definitely not Sharon. We know for a fact it's not her. Yeah. No direct evidence. No gunshot residue on her hands. Yeah. Handwriting expert comes up and tells the jurors that Miriam's handwriting is likely present on eight of the ten checks drawing off the bank accounts controlled by her late husband. The ones that he can say for sure. So she did a good job on two of them. The agent said that none of the ten checks totaling just more than $36,000 were consistent with known samples of Alan's handwriting. And witnesses have testified that Alan was the only person authorized to sign on his personal checking record. As well as an account he opened for Dance Junction where Miriam was the instructor. The checks ranging in amounts from $500 to $7,000 were in some cases payable to Alan Helmick for cash and signed Alan C. Helmick or purportedly signed by him and payable to Dance Junction or Miriam. So either to cash or to her or her studio. They bring her daughter and also the Portia Vigil. That's her last name at this point. She says weeks after that Miriam took off and abandoned the home in Whitewater. They she found a folded up prenup tucked away in a desk drawer. She said that she read it in court sections of the document including a section addressing what should happen to property acquired after Alan and Miriam had married. And they said you agree it does not say it does not ever say what should happen to things. And she said yes. And then she testified. That Miriam told her in May 2008 that the couple's prenup allowed for her to take all the property that was acquired after their marriage. Because they didn't think she even got that. They were surprised. They said the document appeared handwritten by her father. Portia said. So the horse trainer Jerry testifies to all that crazy shit that she said to her including I didn't know the full tank wouldn't blow up. Like not even I never knew that. I didn't know that like beforehand. Not I never knew it and then found out after it happened. It's a weird way financial witnesses walking the jury through the forged checks the money routed through the businesses back into her pocket. So just a big big poster board up there showing all that she did and that looks bad. Also the ballistics of finding the buried bullet. They compare those they show her that the digital trail the searches for Ambien and Viagra and overdoses and poisons and all that shit. So she's got a lot of information. She's got a lot of information. Oh, yeah, that's the crazy part, too. I mean, she's done it. I mean, I mean, allegedly over and over. Yeah, that's what I mean. This is she's a scary. It's scary, dude. It's scary. So on appeal. Yeah, this is the direct appeal. She argued that the judge had wrongly admitted certain evidence and expert testimony. The judge who decided this said, although there were no other eyewitnesses to the murder or the attempted murder, the murder weapon was never found. The prosecution presented a substantial amount of circumstantial evidence of guilt. And that's the thing. You can be convicted on circumstantial evidence and you can't you can't just say you can appeal saying there wasn't enough evidence on direct, which is what they do. But they're not going to just say, well, since there was no physical evidence, that means that. Yeah, that means that you're overturning it. No. That just means that the prosecutor and the cops are going up a hill. That's all that means. That's that's it. Yeah. They have to prove a shitload more. If you have physical evidence, all the other stuff could not even really line up that well. But if you have none, everything else has to line up so perfectly. It's like a zipper closing, like everything has to go or else it's going to be all crooked and mangled and it's just not going to come down. Then you're going to piss your pants. So that's that's how it works. So that's this appeals denied. Yeah. Then the next appeal is on a shoe print. OK, she argued ineffective assistance of counsel, specifically that her trial lawyers should have called their own expert on the dust shoe print impressions collected at the scene, several of which were never matched to anybody. This is a very so small. We didn't even bring it up in the case because it mattered none. So they said the court's reasoning here was even with a defense shoe print expert, the evidence at the post-conviction hearing didn't reveal anything materially new. Which is what you need to have here. And there was no indication that the unmatched prints belong to anyone other than people already counted for this accounted for at the scene. And they said this is from the judge. The key point is that the evidence at the post-conviction hearing did not reveal additional materially significant evidence regarding the dust shoe print impressions found at the murder scene. OK, 2024, another appeal. Oh, OK. Now, she said this appeal adds. First, it's ineffective assistance of counsel of the first one. Now she's adding ineffective assistance of the last appeal counsel to to this. Oh, that last appeals. Throw that one in here, too, on top of it. Everybody's fucking me. A panel here with the judges said that. Well, I'll just read that. This is Judge Gilbert Roman from the Colorado Court of Appeals. After a month long trial, a jury found Helmick guilty of first degree murder for shooting and killing her husband. Attempted first degree murder for previous attempt to kill her husband in ten counts of forgery. The trial court sentenced her to life in prison without the possibility of parole and imposed additional sentences. And they said this court reaffirms her convictions again. Yeah. So that's it. They said that it raised claims that have already been decided and could have been raised earlier and are vague and and without a factual basis, essentially. OK, if she couldn't get to be more of an asshole, it's tough. Last year, 2025, she does a prison interview with 2020. Why'd they do that? I don't know because they were doing the story. I think I don't even know if they did it, but I don't know if they did the whole murder story or not. But I think they did 2020. They want to interview her. And she described Alan as a very kind, very sweet man. He always had your best interest at heart. Usually. I don't know what that means. Usually in that. So. They gave her the car fire. They talked about the car fire. And she said he came in saying his car was on fire and he asked me to get water. And that's all I know about it from there. That's it. Then she said, this is wild. She says, honestly, she thinks Alan set the fire himself for insurance money on a 14 year old Buick. What's the insurance on that? Burn down his roadmaster for fucking eight grand. Eight grand for a 14 year old. A 14 year old Buick from the midnight. I think it was probably worth three grand. Insurance wise. Yeah, you're probably right. They don't care a blue book on that thing. Are you fucking kidding me? So she said he said it himself for the insurance. That wasn't me. I'm blame the dead guy. That guy's an insurance fraud guy. Wow. Yeah. It sounds like you're the guy who does that. You're the chick who does that. So she says that, quote, it won't be over for anybody until it's over for me. And I do have hopes. I know that I didn't kill him. What a crazy thing to say. And then she said, which is crazy. She talked about the the fire. And she said, quote, the thing about Alan, if he had thought I had done it, he'd have helped me pack a bag and put me on the I-70. I don't think she means that. I don't think she means that like helpfully. No, I think she means he to kick my ass out. He just sent me east. He just said. I asked you back to Florida, basically. Now, the murder house still is up, still exists, and it is not for sale at the moment. It's a four bedroom, three bath, thirty two hundred ninety square foot house. A very nice house on thirty nine acres. And right now, the Zestimate on is nine hundred sixty thousand two hundred bucks. Awesome. By the way, it was built in 2003. So when they moved in, it was like brand new. He built her a fucking house. Essentially. Yeah. He bought a house right around the same time. Yeah. His wife died. It was built. And then he bought it a year later. Yeah. OK. So who knows if he was made the first. They might have been a brand fucking new house. He may have had that house being built for him and his wife. And then she maybe that's really possible. So there you go, everybody. Whitewater, Colorado. Holy shit. This is fucking diabolical. And I know last week we had like the cereal poisoner and all that. Not that similar. But it was kind of like a. It was a different way to do that is what I was going for here. Like that's poisoning. And I'm a sweet old lady, you know. And this is like a blow motherfuckers head off and say I was getting Chinese food. It's just a different approach to everything. I'll shoot this motherfucker and go get four for ten at Victoria's Secret. That's it. What a bitch. Yeah. What a bitch. If you enjoy this show, get on whatever app you're on. Give us five stars. It helps a ton. It helps drive you up the charts. Also, Netflix. Give that thumbs up. That helps a shitload, too. Thank everyone who does that for everything they do. Head over to shut up and give me murder dot com, everybody. What's there? Tons of stuff. First of all, the merch you could possibly want for everything from coffee cups to skateboards. And on top of that, you also get the tickets for the small town murder live shows. And there's so. Yeah, there's so goddamn fun. These tickets, honestly, the tickets. She wants money for a ticket. I got to give money for a ticket. Sorry. Eddie Murphy. Raw lives. Holds the money for the tickets. Life. Come here. Eddie Murphy. Raw lives in our heads all the time. And it's everything we can do to constantly not reference it. So this is what you get. So easy. So anyway, where was I? Yeah. Tickets for live shows. Yeah. September 18th. Milwaukee at the Pabst Theater. Great theater. It's going to be great city and great shows, too. Always there. Then the next night, we're at the State Theater in Minneapolis, which we love Minneapolis. Incredible. And you guys got to get your tickets, though, because Milwaukee's beating you at this point. Hurry up. You guys can't have that, right? It's flooded in. Yeah. You want the Packers to beat the Vikings? Let's go. Get your asses in there. 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What a pick. You might go, what more do we need to hear from her? Well, we need to hear all the stuff that we needed to hear before. That never came out. And that's her kids saying exactly what she actually did that night, not what she told the cops, which is all bullshit. And having big things about what a terrible mother she is. Now she made him eat uncooked lasagna. And then she does an allocution where she talks for a fucking hour in a crazy. It's crazy. You have to hear this shit. What an actual scumbag she is. And there's even more evidence that we found out that we didn't find out during the trial. Great stuff. Can't wait to do that. Patreon.com slash crime in sports. And you get every goddamn thing we put out ad free. Small town murder, your stupid opinions, crime in sports, all ad free. And you get a shout out, which is right now. Jimmy, hit me with the names of the best fucking people in the world who would never try to set our cars on fire with a horse rope. Jimmy, hit me with them right fucking now. This is Executive Producer Gary Howard in Metropolis, Illinois. And happy hours in Texarkana. Oh, Jesus. The truckers are really in the worst places. They are hurting in the summertime, too. Texarkana, fuck. Happy hour, man. Oof. Brutal, guys. Other producers this week. Peyton. Peyton Meadows. Scott Richard in Maricopa. LaTosha Dickey. Nii Campbell. Is Nii the former name? Is that what that means? That's N-E-E? Yeah. Yeah, that means used to be. Formerly Campbell? Used to be. Yeah. Yeah. All right. Yeah. LaTosha. All right. Alexa Lagrotaria. Lagrotaria. Sounds delicious. Lagrotaria. I've eaten there many times. It's delicious. The Grotaria? Yeah. Absolutely the best. Sounds vile. Janice Hill. Garrett Wright. Happy birthday, Garrett. Hey, happy birthday. You did it again. Don Brooks. Casey Boyce. Kristen Taylor. Jennifer McCormick. Yergonski. Macy Wilson. Robert Hill. Aaron Beacon. Anna Christina Acosta Shoemaker. Wow. God damn it. Perhaps Schumacher. Let's get you three, four more names. Let's get married. Yeah, yeah. Get married again. Duke with no last name. Chantel Duchesne. Like Andy Dufresne. Oh. Yes, N-E. Andy. Andy. Jesse. Jesse. Jesse DeMone. Aaron Witzel. Aaron Elliott. Nick with no last name. Aaron with no last name. E-R-E-N. I think that's Aaron. Aaron, perhaps. Janae Riley. Victoria Chance. Bella Rive. Bella Rive. Connie Hill. Karen Woods. Deke the Dude. French. Deke French. He is the dude. Ronnie. Ronnie Brown. Kenny Russell. Brian Cargan. Cargan. D-V. This show brought to you by Domestic Violence. How about that? Rebecca. Yeah. That's what we're looking for. Bobby Joe Lewis. Sean Fried. Or Freed. Lorene. Lorraine, probably. Singleton. Karen with no last name. C-R-Y-N. A-R-Y-N. Yep. Ginger Juniper. Tina Manley. Sylvie Hush. Dave Bateman. Jennifer Williams. Katie Franceschi. Franceschi. Franceschi. Brody with no last name. Victoria Ibrahimi. Charles. Abraham. Ibrahimi. Jaime? Hemi. It's Hemi. All right. Cozy Faber. Sincere. It's probably sincere. Sincere? Cinsere? Oh, it's Cinsere. A slinger. Asslinger. It's not asslinger. Cinsere asslinger? What's that mean? Okay. Wesley Brewer. Scott and Michelle Shreve. Pamela Pettit. Gretchen Beachler. Chasta? The milf. Chasta, James. C-H-A-S-T-A. The milf. Chasta. That's Chasta. Kristen Davis. Not that one, probably. Wait. Maybe. No, it's with an E. We know Kristen Davis. That's why we asked. That's why I said it like that. Rachel Wright. Serenity Anderson. Amanda Curtis. Lauren Laura Hanby. Pumpkin Terry. Gabrielle, uh, Gabrielle Caviello. Caviello. Cardeen? Cardeen? Carden? Carrie Rogers? What is Carden? Cara? Pascal. Craner. Lee. Weissinger. Weissinger. Uh, Weiss-inger. Kayla Chima. Ah, Chima. Chima-rero. Chimo. Chimero. What? Ronica Bompas. This is fucked. Michael Dorsey. Acid. Base 32. Ryan Lundy. These are the worst this week. These are so hard. Natalie Rice. Nope with no last name. The Dixon family. Tamora De. De-lisser. De-lister. De-lisser. All right. Robert Hayes. Gail with no last name. I read a word and look at it. There we go. All right. Then I start counting letters. Kevin Ryan. Natasha Dan. Jen Johnson. Jess Norton. William Sutton. Noya G. Kit Kat Smile. Ashley with no last name. Do or do not. There is no try. Angela with no last name. B. Dory. Marseille. Marseille. Marseille. Mercer would. Oh, Mercer? 28-0. Too gross. Why would you do that? That's like. Jamie with no last name. D-Prime. Charlotte Law. Charlotte Lyman. Lyman. Jesse with no last name. Brooklyn Cole. Katie DeLos. De Los Santos. Leanne Scalia. Scalia. All right. Italic Macaroon. Dakota Fireherm. Ferrum. Madcat Townhouse. Molly Johns. Kel Made It. Shane Bowman. Diane Jones. Matthew Wells. Kate Smiley. Crystal. Crystal Arce. Arce. Shea W. Alex Rude. Erica. Terrigna. Agni. Ter. Ter. Terini. Matthew Garrett. Justina. Justina Dawkins. Jasmine Scott. Kendall with no last name. Dina Highland. Misty with no last name. Robert Charvat. Louise Tate. Louise Tate. Matt Montalvo. Brooke Belcher. Christy Adams. Kelly Criss. Willow Holkin. Sav. Savvy. Sav. Probably short-served for Savannah. With no last name. Johnny Boy. The Almond Boy. Uh, Stacey Hall. Q-Cat. Rel Raw Uncut. Uh, good for you, Rel. Scott Bluebaugh. Shelly with no last name. Kayla Redinger. Riedinger. Uh, Samuel Penner. Jamie Lynn McMullen. Sam Summerlin. Jennifer with no last name. Savannah Bacon. Aaron Bars. Uh, Petra Slaughter. Vicky Narusiewicz. Narusiewicz. Uh, yep. Jackie Ulayne. Ortega. Kristen Houston. Or Husband. Uh, or Huston. Mia with no last name. Chloe Kane. Chloe Kane. D and J. DJ with no last name. Heather. What is this? Vogel. White and nerdy. Fildo with no last name. He's just a Fildo. And all of our patrons. You guys are the best! Thank you so much, everybody. You fantastic, wonderful bastards. We appreciate all that you do for us every goddamn day and every night and every afternoon and every other time you listen. Every moment. 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