Let's Talk About... Loneliness (Episode 15)

This week on Let's Talk About Mental Health, I'm talking about loneliness, why it can have a huge impact on your mental health and how to improve it. So, let's get talking! This is Let's Talk About Mental Health, a weekly podcast about mental health and wellbeing hosted by Jeremy Godwin. Let's talk about mental health. Because the more we talk about it, the easier it gets. Hello and welcome to episode 15 of Let's Talk About Mental Health, the weekly podcast full of practical advice for improving and maintaining your mental health and wellbeing. I'm Jeremy Godwin, thank you very much for joining me. This week's episode is Let's Talk About Loneliness. I'll be talking about the negative effects that loneliness can have on your mental health and wellbeing and different things that you can do to turn it around and improve your mental health. So, let's talk. We are in the middle of a loneliness epidemic. Regardless of whether you're young or old, there is an increasing likelihood that you may be experiencing some type of loneliness in your life. And a 2010 research paper, which analysed 148 different studies, came to a fairly blunt conclusion, loneliness kills. Those with stronger social relationships have a 50% increased likelihood of survival. Regardless of factors like age or gender, and I'll include the source of that study in the transcript for this week's episode. Ironically, social media actually serves to make us less physically social. There's a big difference between socialising with others and connecting with others. And whilst physical isolation may or may not lead to loneliness, by no means does physical interaction with others automatically guarantee that you're connected with other people. Nor does it actually matter how many friends you do or don't have. Instead, it's the quality of those relationships that will have the biggest impact on whether or not you've experienced loneliness. As more and more of our relationships happen online instead of in real life, they become far shallower than real life relationships. After all, just hitting like when someone shares something about their life just isn't the same as a face-to-face interaction with someone that you've got a connection with. And it's also all too easy to hit the block button when you have a disagreement with someone. I know, I've done it myself. Regardless of whether you live in the city or the country, loneliness goes hand in hand with both mental and physical health. It's a major risk factor for depression and I'll include a link to an article about that in the transcript. It can also lead to issues like substance abuse, dietary issues, low energy, and physical symptoms, including an increased risk of cardiovascular disease. And that can have direct consequences on your life expectancy. So it really is in your best interest to do something about it. You don't have to be lonely. And in a minute, I'll talk through some of the things that you can do to tackle loneliness. First, however, let's take a moment to discuss how loneliness can happen. Aside from mental illnesses like depression and anxiety which can quite often trigger feelings of loneliness and isolation, there are a lot of different factors that can contribute to a sense of loneliness, such as being disconnected from family or friends, finding it difficult to meet new people because of where you live or maybe because you struggle talking to new people, living on your own and without having close relationships to other people. You might be going through grief or loss. You could be experiencing poor health or major life changes like changing jobs, moving to a new area, etc, etc, perhaps where you are living, you have language or cultural barriers, or in general, perhaps you're feeling that you lack any sense of purpose or meaning in your life. Our circumstances change and your sense of connection versus your sense of loneliness can often fluctuate depending on a range of factors. For example, it's not uncommon for people to feel lonely during the winter, because there might be a lot less physical contact with other people during the colder weather. Identifying why you might be feeling lonely is pretty important, because unless you know what's going on deep down inside, you might struggle to address the issue because you won't be dealing with the root cause. Now at this point, regular listeners will know that I talk in pretty much every single episode about the need to address the root cause of your issues rather than just treating the symptoms. If you've got the flu but you only treat the cough part of the flu, then you're still going to end up with a bunch of other symptoms that will probably knock you about. And if you put that analogy into practice with your mental health, it's worth the effort to get a proper diagnosis and treat the root cause of whatever's going on. My point is this, if you're struggling with loneliness because of depression, just going out and making a new friend is very unlikely to address the issue, because that's just putting a bandaid on a much larger problem. Be brutally honest with yourself about what's going on. And if you need to seek professional help, then please do so. I've talked to a lot of people who freak out about the idea of talking to a total stranger about their fears and their insecurities, or perhaps they might be struggling financially and feel that they can't afford to pay a professional counsellor or therapist. But I firmly believe that the long-term benefits far outweigh the short-term discomfort or cost. There are a lot of things that you can do to address loneliness, and I'll cover some in a moment, but please just really hear what I'm saying about tackling the root cause before you jump into solution mode, if you're experiencing loneliness. All right, let's get into the good stuff. How to overcome loneliness, or at least feel a little bit less lonely. First things first, get out more. Nothing changes if nothing changes. So don't just sit at home and expect to connect with people because it's just not going to happen. Now, I know firsthand how hard it can be if you're struggling. I went through an agoraphobic phase for a few months after my breakdown, and I couldn't even go to the letterbox to collect my mail without freaking out. So if that type of thing is happening to you, perhaps see if you can invite a friend, a family member, or a neighbour over once a week, once a fortnight for a coffee and a chat. Even a ten-minute talk with another person can make a monumental difference in your sense of connection. If you can increase that over time and get out more often, you'll start to feel more connected to other people. I've talked to you all before about how I work from home, so I spend most weekdays on my own while my partner is at work, and I've taken to working from a cafe one or two mornings a week so that I'm not completely isolated from the world. And as part of doing that, I've even had some lovely chats with people who are doing exactly the same thing, and it makes a difference because I'm physically out, I'm around people, you have a little chat, yes fine, it's just, you know, surface-level conversation, but it makes you feel a little bit more connected and a lot less isolated. So, get out more. Another thing is to push yourself to talk to at least one new person every week, even if that's just the person serving you at the supermarket, and if it's a brief how is your day being type of conversation? It's better than nothing. I make a point of smiling politely at anyone who catches my eye at the supermarket, especially older people, and as a result, I've ended up having some brief but lovely interactions with total strangers. Part of that's probably because I live in a country, I live in a town of 7,000 people, so it's a much smaller place so you can't just ignore people who need to give back when they smile to you. And the thing is, it takes effort, but it is worth it, it does give you a sense of connection. Speaking of connection, community involvement. Now, you are likely a part of several communities. It might be the community related to your geographical area where you live, also communities around your hobbies, your passions, shows that you love your spiritual beliefs, etc, etc. Get out, find your tribes, and connect with them. One big piece of advice I'd give you is don't just focus on connecting with people who are exactly like you. Diversity is the spice of life, so make an effort to get to know people from all walks of life. It gives you a greater opportunity for connection, and it also gives you an opportunity to learn some different things, as well as addressing feelings of loneliness or isolation. Now, another way of addressing loneliness that you could try is using online forums. It's another way to connect with people, especially those with common interests, but I'm going to put a whole bunch of caveats on this. Forums like Reddit and Twitter have become absolute breeding grounds for hatred and vile behaviour over the past few years. So, on the one hand, they can serve to connect you with others, especially if you're isolated geographically, but they can also be horrendous for your mental health. There are far too many cases of people ending their lives because of a social media pile-on, so if you're struggling with your mental health, it's wise to take precautions and be prepared to step back if you find yourself being attacked. Online forums are handy, but there's no substitute for genuine physical connections. I belong to a Facebook group for Shits Creek, which is one of my absolute favourite TV shows. And somebody put a comment on the other day saying, "Not feeling this new season." We're only two episodes in, but anyway. What was interesting was the outburst of reaction, negative reaction, and people attacking. And it's something that I've seen happen with other shows that I love I've talked to you all previously about my obsession with RuPaul's Drag Race and some of these shows have just, well I don't think it's just some of these shows, I think in general online forums have almost become weapons. This is probably part of the reason why I constantly talk in this podcast about choosing your words and actions and also about putting kindness out into the world because that kind of behavior even if it's seemingly innocuous even if it's you know things to be just a small this is my opinion type comment every time you put something negative out into the world it potentially has a negative consequence so I guess what I'm trying to say here is like I said online forums are great but they've got all of these challenges that go with them and regardless of how you look at it they are no substitute for genuine physical connection so do that what you will it's your choice how you wish to approach it but if you are going to use online forums as a means of addressing feelings of isolation or loneliness tread carefully and tread wisely and also maybe don't expect the worst from people because what I'm talking about is some of the bad behavior that I've seen but there's a lot of good as well okay back to my list another thing is making a point of regularly connecting with your friends and family in person so I'm talking about at least phone or video call but even better in person nothing can replace real human contact so while social media and group chats can be great for keeping in touch especially when you live far away they're only ever a superficial means of connection when we left Melbourne in 2015 I was in full time study and that meant I couldn't afford to take trips back to Melbourne to see my friends and so I made the mistake of relying on social media to stay in touch with people now do you know what happened most of those friends would probably now be better described as acquaintances because we just don't have the same connection that we used to it is what it is and I can't change what has happened but I sure as hell can learn from it and so can you there's a massive difference between sending somebody a message on facebook or messenger or instagram or whatever you use versus catching up with someone for a coffee and sitting down and spending half an hour with them and talking about what's going on in their life and your life a massively different conversation the types of talks that I've had with people on social media have generally been really brief hi how are you what's going on are you doing well fantastic I'm doing really well here the one or two big things that are going on in my life okay great talk to you soon take care love you by you don't have those type of conversations when you meet with somebody face to face when you catch up with a friend over a coffee I keep banging on about coffee I think you all know about my caffeine addiction by now when you meet up with a friend for coffee it is a really different conversation it's a two-way discussion it's engaging it's you have a bit of a laugh you share news you might go into more micro detail on things than you would if you were just doing a quick update on facebook whatever my point is social media is never going to be a good substitute for real deep meaningful connection with other human beings so put down your devices and go talk to the people that you love in person now another way that you can address feelings of loneliness is actually through volunteering you can make a positive difference in your community and tackle your loneliness by volunteering your time you could work with the elderly you could support a children's sporting team maybe you would want to drive a van for an organization that helps people with a disability to get around there are lots of different opportunities to help others and you'll be rewarded with a sense of purpose a sense of giving and a sense of connection and often you'll be reminded that there are always people facing greater challenges than you are in life which in turn can serve to increase your sense of gratitude and your overall life satisfaction so if you're particularly passionate about working with a particular group of people or type of hobby or whatever find out what some volunteering options are in your area and speaking of satisfaction let's talk about companion animals pets here in Australia 62% of households have a pet and I speak as the proud parent of a fur baby a little cat who is about to turn 17 and even still makes me go all gooey every single day because she's utterly adorable I can personally testify to the positive effects that they can have on your sense of connection especially if you're struggling with social isolation or mental health issues now bonus points for taking your pet out for walks which can help you to connect with other people don't just take my word for it though a 2016 survey by pet plan Australia found that 60% of pet owners felt more socially connected as a direct result of having a pet I'll put the source to that in the transcript those are a number of ideas for what you can do to address your loneliness and there's thousands more what it all boils down to is this having the motivation to tackle loneliness head on we all have things that happen to us but it's up to each of us to decide whether to let our circumstances control us or to take control of our circumstances don't let life just happen to you every decision that you make is a decision that can shape your life so make choices that serve to improve your mental health and wellbeing so that's it for this week to wrap up here are a few points to consider number one loneliness can affect anybody and it can have negative consequences for your mental and physical health number two there are lots of different reasons that you might be experiencing loneliness and it can fluctuate depending on what's happening in your life or because of more serious factors like mental illness which might require you to seek some professional help number three you can make choices to do things that are likely to increase your sense of connection to others like getting out more getting involved in your community or even by volunteering the choices yours but it does take conscious effort to turn loneliness around nothing will change if you just stay at home on your own or if you don't go and interact with other people so make an effort as always I'm going to close out with a quote that I'd like to encourage you to reflect on and consider what it means for you this week's quote is a slightly longer one than normal and it's an anonymous quote and it is always remember that you are not the only one who has ever felt rejected unloved and lonely at some time reach out and help someone else in trouble and you could be amazed at the changes in yourself and your life let me repeat that always remember that you are not the only one who has ever felt rejected unloved and lonely at some time reach out and help someone else in trouble and you could be amazed at the changes in yourself and your life all right so to summarize loneliness can happen to anyone regardless of age or where you live and it can feel isolating and confronting and miserable but there are plenty of things that you can do to feel more connected with other people make a conscious effort to understand what things you can do to connect with people and minimize your loneliness and consider how you can help other people to feel a little less lonely as well thanks for listening to this week's episode I hope it gave you some useful practical advice on the subject of loneliness and mental health if you enjoyed it please tell someone you know about it because word of mouth is a great way to help new people find the show next week's episode will be accountability I'll be talking about the importance of taking ownership of your words and actions for the sake of your mental health and well-being and how accountability and self-improvement go hand in hand I hope you'll join me for that episode which will be released on Monday morning Australian time as always on Friday I'll be sending out the next issue of the mental health talk newsletter which is a weekly round up of articles and resources that are focused on good mental health and well-being you can find that and past episodes of let's talk about mental health at the website which is let's talk about mental health.com.au that's let's talk about mental health.com.au and you can also sign up at the website to have new posts delivered to your inbox. Find let's talk about mental health on social media I post daily on Instagram, Facebook and Pinterest at LTAMH official that's LTAMH official. Have an absolutely fantastic week look after yourself and those that you love and make a conscious effort to put kindness out into the world because what you put out comes back to you take care and talk to you next time. (upbeat music)