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Speaker 4Hello and welcome to the How Not to Screw Up Your Kids podcast. Deeper dive episodes designed to unpick a thorny topic so you can take away manageable actions which you can implement either for you, your family, or in an educational setting. I'm your host, Dr. Mary Henn, psychologist and parenting expert. So, pour yourself a cuppa, find a comfy seat, and enjoy the conversation. Today's episode is five ways to start a conversation about mental health. And I've added some tips and tricks to help you start a conversation about mental health. And I've added some extra little tips at the end in terms of some additional things that you might want to consider. Now, this episode is being released on Children's Mental Health Week. So, you might be catching this at a time that you're seeing lots of topical commentary on children's mental health, either within your child's school or in the press. Or you might simply be listening to this episode at a time that you're sort of thinking, I really need to have a conversation with my child about their well-being because I'm concerned. Or just. Generally, I want to have those conversations. And I want. Before I kind of dive into the ways that we can do it, I guess it's worth just taking a moment to consider this concept of sort of mental health. And I think for some people, it's quite a loaded statement. I think there are some that raise their eyebrows and, you know, we're talking so much about mental health and, you know, it's all in children's heads and we're pandering to them and they just need to toughen up. And so, I think when we're talking about this, to me, it's just simply a child's emotional well-being. So, when we're talking about mental health, that doesn't necessarily mean that we think that our child is depressed or they're anxious or overwhelmed or we're trying to have a diagnosis and give them some sort of pathological disorder. To me, mental health is the flip side, literally, of our physical health. We talk all of the time, if our child. If we thought our child wasn't feeling very well, we'd say, gosh, you feel really. You feel really warm and you've got a bit of a temperature. Goodness me, I've just taken a thermometer to you and you really have got a really high temperature or you seem to be limping on your foot. What, have you hurt it or you've grazed your knee? We have those sorts of conversations all of the time and they seem to be. They're deemed to be kind of like good parenting. You wouldn't kind of neglect your child's physical well-being. And yet, when we talk about emotional well-being, it seems to just come in a very loaded way and seem very. Very much as pandering. So, for me, when I talk about mental health, they're just interchangeable. They're the same thing. Emotional well-being, how our children manage feelings that are then connected to thoughts that then impact the behaviour that they choose in any given moment, to me, is all encompassed in this concept of mental health. And so, if it does feel loaded for you or it feels loaded within your family, we have got wider family that may well have a very strong opinion on it, then maybe one of the ways to sort of get everybody on board is to have that conversation around it really being fundamentally about your children's emotional well-being and how that then sits alongside physical well-being. So, I just wanted to sort of digress a little bit about that. So, this is about giving you five different ways that we can begin to have a conversation with our children or our teens, around mental health. The first one is, as you would expect, starting a conversation. So, you know, opener questions, for example, you might use. So, one way is that we just go super direct in there and we might ask some questions. I love the, I've noticed that, because for me, that's quite an objective, unemotive, this is just something that I've observed and I'm just having a conversation with you about it. So, we can use that. So, we can use that. So, we can use that. So, we can use that in any context, but I've got a couple of sort of opener questions that you could use, modify for your particular family and maybe use it as you choose. So, it might be, you don't seem your usual self today or you didn't seem your usual self yesterday or earlier. So, reframe in whichever way that you want to that, you know, I've noticed that, you just don't seem your usual self. And then we want to just add in there, potentially something like, do you want to talk about it? I'm here and ready if you want someone to listen to. Yeah? Someone who will listen to you. What I would say with a lot of these opener questions and the way that we approach this, and I would really encourage you to sort of connect with your parental intuition about this. There are some children and some teens that we can ask very direct questions and they are very direct in terms of opening up. It's something that they do. We can get into a whole other episode about why some open up and some don't. So, the way that we phrase things can be really impactful as to whether our child is going to open up or not open up. So, whether we say things like, want to talk about it or I'm, you know, want to talk about it is a very direct, you know, I'm asking you a question and in essence, I'm going to get a yes or a no. I'm here and ready if you want someone, you know, if you want a listening ear is much more, I'm making a statement here that says to you, that I am available for you when you need me, but I am not actually directing a question that has to have a response. It's almost that drip, drip that I've talked about in the previous episode for those that are much more reluctant that we're kind of sowing the seeds slowly and surely. So, we might start off with, you know, a statement about, you know, you don't seem to use yourself. I'm here and ready if you want someone to listen to you, if you want to talk to. And then we may then back that up later on in the day with, you know, I'm here and ready if you want someone to listen to you, if you want to talk about it, or I'm here. So, that's one way that we can approach it. Another one is where we might pick up on a particular emotion that they're feeling. You know, you look worried, you look sad, you look nervous, you look frustrated. Anything I can do to help? Want to talk about it? So, we can again adapt and modify that. So, those are two ways of doing that. And what we will do, I'm not a massive fan, I'll be honest, of giving you scripts because I think that there is a sort of style and a nuance for each family and each child within a family that means that when we have scripts, we tend to approach it as a, this script will work with every child, and I just don't fundamentally believe in them. I think that it's good to have some general outlines of the sort of, the sentiment and a framework. So, we are super happy we will share those two openers with the different sort of options so that you can play around and make that into something that works for you. But obviously, one obvious way to begin to open up and have a conversation with your children about their mental health is to ask some form of opener question. The second one is about using maybe a mental health awareness day to get a family discussion going about maybe just broad conversations around the differences between physical health and mental health and how important and often linked they both are. So, this doesn't have to be a long discussion, particularly if you're meeting resistance. but because you're having it as an open discussion with a family. I'm a big fan of doing these sorts of things over mealtimes because you're just all together generally, even if you only manage one meal together a week. But it just creates a very relaxed, non-confrontational, you're not asking anyone a direct question, you're just simply having that conversation. And so what can happen in these particular instances is that you might have one child who's a bit more receptive to having that conversation that might begin to get things going and you can observe. And it may be that you've got a very articulate, very opinionated, you know, a child that speaks often that might slightly drown out another child, but you'll know if that is the case. And then you'll be able to, you know, oh, Jack, that's really great that you're saying that, you know, Emma, what do you think, for example, or you might find that Jack's chatter, you know, go back to that episode about that drip, drip feeding. We know then that actually that's probably beginning to sort of sit with Emma and you might be able to then have a conversation with her afterwards. You know, I noticed, you know, when we were having a conversation about children's, you know, about just mental health and how it relates to our wellbeing, I know Jack was being quite, took over a lot of that conversation. And I just wondered if you, if there was anything that you wanted to talk about, or I'm here, if you, you know, I'm a listening ear, if you want to have a bit more of a conversation about it. So it's sort of using something that is going to be topical and it may well be something that they will have talked about at school, or they may have come across, but by having that conversation over a mealtime and that conversation around mental health, what we're really trying to do, maybe this is a good way to frame it is you're not necessarily trying to get your children to open up in that moment. Fabulous if they do, but actually if you frame it as a psychologically and mentally, in my mind, I want to introduce the concept to my children, that this is something that I want to talk about more often. You know, we've not talked about emotional wellbeing and mental health previously, but I'm, I'm making a commitment that this is part of, you know, how was your, you know, in the same way as you asked us, how was your day? Who did you play with? What did you eat? All of those sorts of things. I just want to check in on how you're feeling, you know, is today being a good day? You know, how is your just general emotional health? So that's really what we're doing by beginning to have that conversation. So we can start with a direct or indirect questions around emotional wellbeing, particularly where we've noticed something we can use an awareness day when it doesn't just have to be children's mental health. There'll be other things that we can use as a way of sort of getting a bit of an in for a discussion, maybe a meal time we can use books and you can either use books where you get a specific book that talks specifically about emotions, particularly if you've got a child, maybe that you're noticing as having lots of nightmares or they are particularly nervous about something, or they are, you know, they're struggling to manage those big emotions. So we can use books in an absolutely direct way. I've chosen this book because I know that it tackles something that you as my child might be dealing with, you know, transition to a new school or something like that. That's one way to do it. I think when we're doing those, we just want to be mindful about how we position it. Obviously, as you know, that I work with young people who are either lacking confidence or are struggling with their emotions, whether that's anxiety or big emotions. And one of the things obviously that we want to be mindful of is not making a child feel that there is something wrong with them because they notice that the way that they respond to things is different. So particularly where they've got siblings, I mean, obviously they'll do that in terms of comparing to their contemporaries and their peers, but they really notice that with their siblings. So if you've got a child, let's say who goes from zero to a hundred, you know, to explosion in a nanosecond, or they're super anxious about everything, they will be painfully aware that their behavioral responses, that their ability to manage their emotions is supremely different to their siblings. So they're already feeling a certain sense of less than. And so books are great because they're a great conversation starter and they're a great way of not directly having a conversation with your child if they're struggling to open up. But we just want to be a bit cautious about, you know, get yourself into the mind of your child. Why is my mum, why is my dad reading this book about, I don't know, tantruming Trevor? I don't think that he exists, that book does, but they're not. But there we go. You know, why am I having that book read to me, but Jack isn't? That's because I'm bad and I can't manage my emotions and I'm, I shouldn't be in this family. They'd be better off without me, sort of thing. I'm going somewhat dramatic here. So when we're using books, just be mindful of how we use those. And if we are looking at specific ones, we might want to consider that being a story that we share together about, look, I saw this book, really good about managing big emotions. I know that I sometimes go from zero to explosion and I can be a bit like shouty daddy or shouty mummy. And I thought this was a, would be a really good book for all of us to read together.
Speaker 2No added growth hormones or antibiotics in their meat department means slow braise short ribs are even more satisfying. All seafood is wild caught like their vibrant sockeye. Salmon or verified responsibly farmed and all sweets, including fall themed cookies are made without high fructose corn syrup.
Speaker 3Nobody applauds those moments. But they quietly change your life. Grow is therapy that works covered by insurance. Sessions average $21 with insurance and some pay as little as $0 depending on their plan. Grow connects you with thousands of high quality licensed therapists across the U S offering both virtual and in-person sessions, nights and weekends. You can search by what matters like insurance, specialty, identity, or availability. And you can book a therapy session in minutes and begin in as little as two days, not the national 48 day average. See if you could pay as little as $0 for therapy in seconds at grow therapy.com slash a cast that's grow therapy.com slash a cast grow therapy.com slash a cast availability and coverage vary by state and insurance plan. Or we use books
Speaker 4from the context of they're just our typical books that our children have chosen or that they love us to read. But there are moments within that book where we can talk a little bit around a particular character's feelings and how they might be reacting in a particular way so that we can begin to embed that concept of how we're feeling. Or we can ask questions about goodness me, the character. I wonder how they're going to react. I wonder how they're feeling in this particular moment. And gosh, well, you know, have there been moments that we felt that way? So obviously with a lot of these things, particularly when we're using books or we're trying to integrate a discussion around mental health and emotional wellbeing in ways that we haven't typically, it's going to feel odd to us. We're going to feel a bit like a bit clunky and uncomfortable. So really it's about what can I try and get comfortable with that before I then try something else. So of course, these are five different ways, pick a way that you want to try and see how that goes, but don't feel that you need to suddenly launch into all of them in order to be able to do that. Less is definitely more in this particular scenario, because if you, and particularly for those of you who are listening to this, because you've got a child or a teen that you know is struggling generally with their emotional wellbeing, either in terms of regulation or in terms of how they approach particular situations, because of overwhelm or anxiety, but they're just not having that conversation with you. So it's recognising that this is going to be a gradual process. So start with some things that you feel comfortable with, or at least can begin to feel comfortable with more quickly because your child will pick up on that. And so they're probably going to be more likely to respond to it. So we've got opener questions, we've got using awareness days, we've got using books. The fourth one is just about teachable moments, you know, after an emotional moment, you know, after an emotional moment, emotional outburst, after you've seen a child become supremely dysregulated, either with tears, with tantrums, with rage, with anger, whatever it might be, is you, and I say this, those teachable moments of emotional outbursts, both yours and also your child's, they're great teachable moments. You know, we often talk about emotional outbursts that we have, and this process of repair, you know, I'm sorry that I shouted, you know, I should have, what I should have done instead was, so that's that repair moment. What we can do within that repair moment as well is also use it as a teachable moment to, talk about how we were feeling in that moment, and how we then became dysregulated and what we might do in another moment. So that what we're doing really is rather than having to take standalone, almost what feels to your child, really random conversations around emotional well-being, we're talking about it in the context of things that have happened, that they've got a direct, tangible thing that they can, you know, they're not physically manipulating their emotional dysregulation or yours, but it's something that is, that has been recent, that has been experienced, that they've got some connection to, that they can then draw upon. So the conversations we're having then make sense. So using those teachable moments, both ours and also our children. And then the fifth one is about talking out loud. I talk out loud all of the time. And I think probably people think that I'm slightly strange or crazy, but it works for me. What I'm sort of saying is, don't talk out loud for everything, but where you've got an opportunity is maybe talk out loud about how you're taking care of your emotional well-being, how you are emptying your bucket. If the bucket emptying and the bucket analogy really resonates with you, then talk about it. You know, gosh, my bucket is super full. I think that I'm literally about this thing has just tipped me over the edge. So I know now that I need to go and empty it. So I'm just going to sit down. Look, I'm not available for the next 10 minutes. I'm emptying my bucket by sitting and having just 10 minutes on my own with a cup of tea. Please don't disturb me. I'll be back in 10 minutes, for example. So it's just beginning to sort of embed the practices that you're probably already doing as a parent. But we're sort of communicating that not in a lectury way, not in a long monologue to our children, but just simply talking out loud. This is what I'm doing. This is where I'm at. And I think it's best for everybody if I just take myself off for 10 minutes and I'll come back with a slightly emptier bucket and a bit more refreshed so that we can then play that game that we were talking about. So it's just sort of using those moments. So those are five different ways that we can kind of open up and begin to have that conversation. And as I say, it's about, I guess, managing our expectations. If you've got a child who's super reluctant, who isn't already opening up a lot, then just be patient. It will possibly and probably feel like you're not making any progress at all, but you will over time if you just continue to have faith. Don't push or press it, but just do that. Now, before I send you off, though, I've got three things that I would just say are helpful to consider on top of those five things that we can actually do. And the first one is pick your moment. Right place, right time. So we want to make sure that they're relaxed, that they can't be overheard by a sibling, that we've picked them at a moment that is relatively neutral. We're not taking them away from something that they've been engrossed in. So we've just taken that opportunity. And certainly in terms of picking that moment, we're in a position where we are sat next to them or alongside them rather than eye to eye, because eye to eye just creates a certain level of stress and anxiety. It's almost like you're in a situation where you're in a situation where you're in a rabbit caught in a headlight. So you're just much less likely to open up. So if we can make it sort of relaxed and casual, then that would be an additional thing that I would say. The second one is don't push it if they refuse to open up or they're being dismissive. Because what we're trying to do when we're trying any one of those five that I've spoken about is we're just establishing our availability and openness to listen without judgment when they are ready. That's what we're saying. Yet we're demonstrating a commitment and a concern for their emotional well-being. And for some children and teens, this does take time. And particularly when they are, you know, they've not typically been super open or super talkative about things. It's just, I know it can feel super frustrating. It's like, how many times, Mary-Anne, do I keep saying that I'm here if they need me? And they're just still not talking. They will over time, I absolutely promise you, if you have genuinely been doing this for a really, really long time, I would just ask you to do a bit of an audit and a bit of an internal reflection as to how you have been asking, you know, what tone have you used? What language have you used? What times have you then tried to tackle it? Because it may be that you've not yet seen the results because it may well be the way that your child has taken it in terms of, you know, how they've responded to it. So we felt, and I say this from experience, obviously, I've been working with young people for over 20, God, probably nearly 25 years now. And I'm in schools as well. And what I hear a lot from young people is that, you know, my parents think they are being open and non-judgmental. But then when I say something, they are. And therefore, that's why I'm just not going to talk to them about things. So it's what we feel we might be doing. And I think that's what we're doing. That is genuinely non-confrontational, super open and relaxed. They're not always taking it that way. That's not a judgment on you. It's just simply a, what I'm getting back more often than not from young people, which leads to my third consideration is be creative. So your child might not be ready or willing to talk to you, but would they maybe talk to your partner, a grandparent, an uncle, a neighbor, a mentor. Sometimes children simply don't open up to us because they worry we might minimize their feelings, particularly if they have felt that we might have done that before. No judgment. Remember, it's how we perceive. We send the message out. And then that individual, it's how they then receive that message that might have had that impact. So they may have felt that they've opened up previously, or they've talked about their feelings, and they felt that that's been dismissed. And so that they're less likely, or it could be that your children are not opening up and talking to you because they're actually just worried. They don't want you to worry. They don't want to add an extra layer. Maybe they think, and I've definitely had this said to me before, my parents are stressed enough as it is. I see them, you know, juggling jobs and worrying about money and my brother, who's got some challenging behavior at the moment. And so I don't want to really talk to them because I don't want them. I think they've got enough to worry about. I don't want to add to that worry. Or it could be, and this is another one that I often, that is quite common that comes out, is that maybe, and I think I am super aware that I do this because I'm always this sort of like, let's be positive. Let's, you know, look on the bright side. What's the worst that could happen? Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. In lots of ways that can make it quite difficult for my children to approach me about something because it's like, well, mum's this sort of like, well, you know, it could be a lot worse and what can we do? And she's always got this positive, you know, so she's not going to really get why I'm finding this particular difficult. So it just be aware that it could be that that's, those are some of the reasons why they haven't. And so being creative about, okay, well, it doesn't matter who my child talks to. If they're not yet feeling that they can talk to me, can I be a bit creative? Can they go and spend some time with their grandparents because they get really get on well with their grandfather. Or, you know, auntie Mabel is a really, really funny and they love spending time with her and she's got no children. And so they don't feel any threat by that. And they really warm to her and find it really easy to be in her company. So it's about just making those three additional considerations that kind of give us the best chance and genuinely to have that faith that they will over time, especially if you've got a child or a teen who you are just battling to get them to open up. So I hope that those are useful things for you to go away and reflect on and to pick maybe one thing that you're not doing at the moment that you can try and build that so that it feels really comfortable for you before you then layer on and add something else. And so as always, if you enjoy the podcast episodes, and maybe you found this one particularly helpful, then I'd love it if you would just consider sharing it with a friend or neighbor, a loved one who may, find the tips super helpful for them and for their family also. And if you have not yet already done so, then if you could just take a moment to rate and review the podcast so that others can find us and we can spread the love. So until next time.
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