363. Let people have the wrong impression of you ft. Eli Rallo

This is an I Heart Podcast. Guaranteed Human. Radio app, Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts. Almost 30 years together, four kids and some of reality TV's most unforgettable moments, we're taking you behind the scenes in our podcast between us, with me, Heather Dubrow, and me, Terry Dubrow. The unfiltered behind closed doors conversations you wish you could eavesdrop on. And plenty of, did they just say that moments? But what's the latest room where I'm gay, right? First of all, if I were gay, I would be gay! In your free I Heart Radio app, search between us and listen now. Crook and Chase Nashville Chats with the true life adventures of hot new country star Hudson Westbrook. Early in his career, he shocked his mom more than once, and we even shocked him on what we had to do to get to visit with him. I've seen some people do some crazy things, but nothing like that. Plus what Hudson almost had in common with Billy Bob Thornton. Crook and Chase Nashville Chats with Hudson Westbrook. Listen and subscribe on the I Heart Radio app, Apple Podcasts or wherever you listen to podcasts. When you feel uncomfortable, what do you put on? Biggie. You put on biggie when you feel uncomfortable? I want to get confident. This is DJ Hester Prince Music Is Therapy, a new podcast from me, a DJ and licensed therapist, 12 months, 12 areas of your life. Money, love, career, confidence. This isn't just a podcast. It's unconventional therapy for your entire year. To DJ Hester Prince Music Is Therapy, on the I Heart Radio app, Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts. Hello, everybody. I'm Gemma Spek, and welcome back to the psychology of your 20s, the podcast where we talk through the biggest changes, moments and transitions of our 20s and what they mean for our psychology. Hello, everybody. Welcome back to the show. Welcome back to another December guest episode. It is so great to have you here. I am personally so excited for this episode and to have this specific guest on the podcast. Being a creative person these days, having an online presence, putting yourself out there can be tough. Even if you don't have an audience, people can be very critical of us when we are loud, proud and passionate about our dreams. One of my favorite creators talks about this a lot. How to manage comparison. How to let people misunderstand you. How to know when something is meant for you. She is the author of two books about being in your 20s and a content creator who is honestly living her dream, Carrie Bradshaw, life. And today we got to have her on the podcast to really pick her brain about so many interesting things without further ado, here she is. Eli Rallor, welcome to the psychology of your 20s. Thank you so much for having me. I'm so excited. Yeah, me too. I feel like obviously we're in the middle of like out December guest month. And I was like, who better to have on the show than another queen of the 20s, another queen of the 20s. If no one has heard about you, which I don't know how they happen, can you tell us a little bit about yourself and how you kind of begin your career to now being almost a three time author? Yes, I am a content creator and writer. I'm based in New York and also Texas. I'm 27 and I started making content in 2020 and I've sort of been making content ever since. And my new book does anyone else feel this way out October 14th. So I'm in the kind of the process of dealing with everything that comes along with like pre publication for a book, which has just been so exciting. And it's so crazy like, I don't know when this is coming out, but when we're recording it, it's going to be out in a week. So it's been just a whirlwind. Oh my gosh. I can relate like when my book came out at the start of the year, it's like this huge, huge build up. And then it kind of just like do it. And then everything just, you know what I mean? Like you reach this like pinnacle and the day that you release the book is often like the least exciting day. I don't know if you found it with your last book. Yeah. With my last book, I definitely did. With this book, I definitely have a lot going on more than the last one. The last one I was kind of like, okay, it's just here now and I'm going to go see my book in bookstores, which I did. And that was a really special moment. But then I didn't have any like huge, I guess I did a book tour that night, but I didn't have like huge plans this time. I have like a fully packed schedule for the release week. So it's kind of a crazier moment in time. But I think a lot of gratitude because I can compare it. I can compare and contrast both of my sort of book release weeks and feel really grateful for growth and, you know, all the steps in the right direction. So it's crazy, but it does really feel kind of anticlimactic emotionally because you're like, here's the thing I've been working on and now it's here. I know and it's like, this is the thing that I have given like everything to and I've like poured my whole heart into. I remember the day I was like, I like went to find it in a bookstore and it wasn't there. And I was like just walking around being like, oh, yeah, and it took me like a couple of days ago. Okay. Yeah. I was like, yeah, sometimes it takes a while for them to like get it into rotation. I didn't know this about bookstores. Yeah. The things you learn. Okay. This is a question that I've been really enjoying asking people recently, which is, what did you want to be when you grew up? Now that you are a content creator and an author, what was that always the goal? I wanted to be a writer and I wanted to be on Broadway. So pretty similar. I'm pretty much the first and I've always been, which I guess is quite a comforting. Like I always do, I want to be a writer and I always do, I want to do like theater. So when I was a kid, I really wanted to write fiction. So I think it does feel like a childhood dream sort of discovered and kind of welcome home and away because that was always the dream. And obviously went down a different path first and I feel really grateful for that path as well. Fiction was definitely always like where my head was at when I was younger. Did you feel like that was a point in your life where you were like, maybe this isn't going to happen? Like maybe this is just not for me. No. I honestly thought to myself, if I don't make it, like it's going to be the love of my life forever either way. Like if I don't make it, I'm always going to write and I'll self publish. If I don't make it with Broadway, like I'll do what I can to make enough money that I could like donate to Broadway shows or like donate to children's theater. Like I just knew I would always be involved in the arts, even if I didn't make it. So like, no, I knew that no matter why I would still do it. Like no one can take writing away from you. Like if you can't publish traditionally, which would be like the dream, the dream, the dream, like you can publish yourself. And if you don't like anyone could do that. Like I did it and when I was in college, I would publish a poetry book. Like I think I just knew that like no matter why if I didn't make it, like no one could take doing it away from me. It was habitual like in my blood every day, something I did and same with theater. Like no one can take being a fan of the arts away from you. No one can take being an audience member away from you. So there was really never a moment that I was like this might not happen because I knew that even if I didn't make it in the traditional sense of the term, like it would still be part of my life. And that was enough for me. I think everything else is just like a cherry on top. And so I totally agree with you and I feel this to someone else who is like very much living out a dream they had for a long time. People always are like, how do I know what like my dream job is? Like how do I know what I meant to be doing? How do I know what my purpose is? And I'm like, if you would be doing it even if there was no one paying attention, what is the thing you do that you just love to do because you love to do it? That you wouldn't actually ever need to be paid for and you would still have the love for. And so I think that's the biggest thing. And some people like can't make money off of those things, right? That doesn't mean it's not still like your purpose. Important. Yeah, and not still important. What do you think about being delusional about your dreams? What are your thoughts on this method for going after what you want? I think there has to be a bit of delusion. I don't think anybody truly confidently believes that they can go out and snatch everything. Maybe people do. I think there has to be a healthy mix of realism and delusion. So the realism is just that realistic voice being like, these are, you know, this is reality and this is where we're at right now. And then you have to sort of also take at the extra level that you just believe in yourself in tandem. So I think you have to have a little delusion in a little realism. That's always where I've rested my head. I'm not totally delusional. But I'm also like a little delusional, you know? I'll keep it a little delusional. But I try to be realistic with myself. Like, I think it just helped me be grounded. I always talk about like how my parents raised us. Like, we were never raised to like get applause unless we earned it. Like my parents were not the type of people. Oh, they're just jealous of you. My parents were not like, you're perfect. My parents loved us. But like if we weren't good at something, we were not being told we were good at it. You know what I mean? Like we were getting, we had to earn applause from things. And I think that it taught me like to understand my strengths and learn how to work on my weaknesses in a really good way. Like I'm good at being real. And then I think the delusion comes in with like, you just have to be a little wacky when you're going to dream really big. And you have to believe that you can. And sometimes that takes like kind of kidding yourself in a way. But I try to be as realistic as possible and then also a little delusional. See, I have this other problem where I feel like sometimes I'm a little bit too realistic because I feel like being delusional jinxes things. I don't know if you have this similar feeling where sometimes I'm like, if I've thought about something happening and if I really want it to happen, sometimes I get worried that it's going to like jinx it and going to mean that in some universe it's already happened. So like it's never going to be allowed to emerge again. What do your thoughts on that? - I feel that. Yeah, I think that like in going through processes for things I didn't get, but like that I'm still qualified to get again. Like awards or nominations or bestseller, this or that, like I've just realized that lacing all this pressure on a thing is just not worth it because then you'll feel like how you feel like, oh, I manifested this not happening. So I try to just do my best and like forget the rest. Like I try not to think about the lists and the accolades and all the things that I know are like around the bend that I'm being considered for or that I have been considered for. Like I try to just forget it all. Like it doesn't exist to me. And so that way like I'm only focusing on the work and I don't focus on like, you know, numbers and data and this and that. And then of course like those things do matter and they're the things that I focus on. But I try to keep myself like pretty grounded and just like the creative, the act of creating and then the the art itself and not so much on the external 'cause I think when I did that, I would get really disappointed and I would also like feel like you did where it would be like, oh, I manifested this not happening. - Yeah, no, very, very true. I feel like this is the advice that I wish I could, I still think I need to hear myself, which is like just do it for the joy of doing something. Like just do it for the joy and then no one can ever really take that away from you, which is I guess like the through line that we've just been coming back to, like time and time again, as people who are like working in creative spaces and working like in entertainment. I'm kind of shift gears here and let's talk a bit about our 20s because I feel like that's what people are tuning in from. - Yeah. - You obviously have a lot of things that you really care about and that you really wanna do. And I think a big dilemma that people have in this decade is there is literally so much that I wanna try and I wanna achieve and I wanna see how do I do it all at once. So this may be like a strange question, but like what are your time management strategies, time management advice or like maybe deeper thoughts on like, yeah, I guess trying to do it all at once. - I think when I hear people have that sort of complaint of like there's so many lives they wanna live and so many things that I wanna try, I'm like, God, what a privilege. Like you need to reframe it. Like what a privilege to be so excited to live that there are so many things you wanna try. What a privilege to be so enamored with life that there are so many things you wanna do. Like to me the reality is and it's completely something we can't change. You're never gonna be able to try everything. You're never gonna be able to probably visit every place or read every book. But like what a gift that you could try to see as many places as possible or like read as many books as possible or try as many things as possible. Like there are so many people that just don't have that luxury. There are so many people that are born into circumstances where they don't have that luxury or are born or are not able, body, like I just try to be so grounded in the reality of the privilege it is to be excited to try things and to get to try things. And then I have so often talked with my friends about the fact that I think like in your 20s, you kind of have to pick something to be like the center focus point of your world and that thing can change from chapter to chapter year to year even month to month. And like I've sort of picked my job. Like it's at the center of my world. I sacrifice everything else. I sacrifice. I make so many sacrifices from my work. For some people they wanna choose their friendships. For some people they wanna choose a community that they're a part of. For some people they choose family or a romantic relationship. I also think that that thing at the center can change. It can change at any given week or any given month. What I mean by this is like I know that by putting my job in my career right now as the center focal point, I am sacrificing things. I can't always make it to social outings. I don't really go out because I have to rest 'cause I'm extending myself so much with my work. But that's something I have to be okay with. So I think you have to figure out what your priorities are. Figure out what the center point is gonna be of any month or any week and then be okay with the boundaries you have to set in the sacrifices you have to make in order to focus on that. And then I think kind of simultaneously just like realize it's a privilege to be overwhelmed with choice and to be excited about life. Like yes, there are so many paths that you could take. And yes, there is such thing as decision particular. Like I so often feel that way. But it's like what a gift it is to be so exhausted by the opportunity to choose. Something so many people cannot say that they have. - I love that way of thinking about it. And I also love that if you go even further with that thought, that means that like you can always choose again, right? If you have so many choices that feel equally good, it means that like you're actually probably never gonna be stuck in one choice. - Yeah, like you'll never feel, oh I took the wrong path 'cause like there's always gonna be something else waiting for you if you really do feel like there are so many options. - Yeah and people change their lives like every single day. I feel like the reason that people get so like fixated on like what life do I wanna live is because they think that it's like some kind of contract that they're signing with like the world or with other people that like if I say I'm gonna do this and this is who I'm gonna be, I have to be ready to give 10 years of my life to that. No one's asking you to do that. Like you are allowed to change your mind like at any given time. In terms of choosing one thing just to start, whether any like, are there any questions that you were able to ask yourself or that you would ask a friend to help them determine like which is the first thing I should do? - I guess it's just like what do you wanna do? Like I think that people don't, I think that people weigh over complicate things. Like what do you want to do? Like if social media didn't exist and nobody else's opinion mattered, what do you want to do? Like okay then do that. Like that I think people weigh over complicate things. Like at the end of the day in adulthood I've realized like there's gonna be such a proliferation of choice and you need to get super in touch with yourself to be able to ask yourself what do I want to do, what do I want to wear, who do I wanna spend my time around and you have to figure out how to know yourself well enough to answer those questions. I feel like sometimes we're just not asking ourselves that question because we're so caught up in everybody else and it's like no but what do you want? Like that's what I would ask, what do you actually want? And I feel like people aren't asking themselves that and they're often not asked that either. - Yeah it's always like how are you gonna make money? Like how are you going to fulfill this dream that I have for you? Like how are you gonna be happy? That's the other question I feel like people always get fixated on it's like how do I know I'll be happy? It's like nowhere, there is no promise. Something I actually, I was talking to my sister about this the other day and tell me if you agree with this line of questioning. And sometimes people like I think, I'll tell you what I always ask her. I say like the easiest way to determine what kind of life you want is to see who you're jealous of. See who is like, - Oh, look at that. - Lift out their dreams in like such an amazing way that the only way that you can like comprehend that you might want it is through envy because like you want it so badly. And a lot of people are like, when I tell them that are like wow, you're promoting being jealous and I'm like no because jealousy is actually like two emotions, right? It's actually, it's a two layered thing. There's the initial feeling and then there's how you react to it. You don't have to react in like a back stabbing, terrible self-facing way. You can react in a way that like makes it quite motivating and actually like switches to inspiration and celebration. What are your thoughts on that? 'Cause I know some people like to hear that and like have a completely different take. - I really like that. I think that's like super true point. I'm definitely someone who thinks that jealousy's like not really a bad thing. Like I just think like we've villainized it ourselves but like I always say to signal that somebody else has something that you want and instead of being like, "Oh, why them and not me?" You could just easily be like, "Why not us both?" Or like, "Why can't I have that thing too?" So I think jealousy is, yeah, I think it's a super normal human emotion that we have to be like more comfortable kind of confronting and facing. And it's also quite a helpful one as well. Okay, we're gonna take a short break but when we return, we're gonna talk about comparison, how to manage when people have the wrong idea of you and how to deal with friendship in our 20s to stay with us. (gentle music) (upbeat music) - What do you do when the headlines don't explain what's happening inside of you? I'm Ben Higgins and if you've been here me is where culture meets the soul, Please. for real conversation. Each episode I sit down with people from all walks of life celebrities thinkers and everyday folks and we go deeper than the polished story we talk about what drives us what shapes us and what gives us hope we get honest about the big stuff identity when you don't recognize yourself anymore loss that changes you purpose when success isn't enough piece when your mind won't slow down faith when it's complicated some guests have answers most are still figure it out if you've ever felt like there has to be more to the story this show is for you listen to if you can hear me on my heart rate you app Apple podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts China's Ministry of State Security is one of the most mysterious and powerful spy agencies in the world but in 2017 the FBI got inside this is special agent regal special agent Bradley Hall this MSS officer has no idea the US government is on to him but the FBI has his chats texts emails even his personal diary here how they got it on the sixth bureau podcast I now have several terabytes of an MSS officer no doubt no question of his life and that's the unicorn no one had ever seen anything like that it was unbelievable this is a story of the inner workings of the MSS and how one man's ambition and mistakes opened its vault of secrets listen to the sixth bureau on the iHeart radio app Apple podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts you know role doll the writer who thought up Willy Wonka Matilda and the BFJ but did you know he was also a spy was this before he wrote his stories I must have been our new podcast series the secret world of role doll is a wild journey through the hidden chapters of his extraordinary controversial life his job was literally to seduce the wives of powerful Americans what what and he was really good at it you probably won't believe it either okay I don't think that's true I'm telling you because I was a spy did you know dog got cozy with the Roosevelt's played poker with Harry Truman and had a long affair with a congresswoman and then he took a sound to Hollywood where he worked alongside Walt Disney and Alfred Hitchcock before writing a hit James Bond film how did this secret agent wind up as the most successful children's author ever and what darkness from his covert past seeped into the stories we read as kids the true story is stranger than anything he ever wrote listen to the secret world of role doll on the iHeartRadio app Apple Podcast or wherever you get your podcast I'm Anna Navarro and on my new podcast Bleep with Anna Navarro I'm talking to the people closest to the biggest issues happening in your community and around the world because I know deep down inside right now we are all cursing and asking what the bleep is going on I'm talking to people like Julie K Brown who broke the explosive story on Jeffrey Epstein in 2018 these victims have been let down time and time again for decades and decades and decades by local law enforcement by federal law enforcement by administration after administration the justice department through I think we counted for presidential administrations failed these victims listen to Bleep with Anna Navarro as part of the Microtuda podcast that one available on the iHeartRadio app Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts for decades people traveled across the world to see John of God desperate for cures no doctor could offer and when they arrived they saw things they couldn't explain this is real this guy's actually doing surgery and it's a miracle I never believe that miracles were real until that point but behind those adoring crowds was something much darker one of the reasons why I never went to the police is because I saw at least five or six men with guns everywhere he went there was clear to me like close your mouth open your mouth and say anything I'm your host Martina Castro and in the podcast Too Faced John of God we'll look back on a man who claimed he could perform miracles and got people from all around the world to believe him from exactly right and a Donde media this is Too Faced John of God listen on the iHeartRadio app Apple podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts let's talk about comparison specifically like comparison in the offs first question I actually have you which is completely unrelated but what do you think about the term when people call you an influencer would you prefer like someone call you an author a content creator and influencer what do you like kind of think about that word I don't dislike it necessarily I think it's so sad that it's becomes sort of like this derogatory term that men specifically utilize to weaponize it against women's like knowing that it makes me kind of like it more because I'm like how are you going to how are you going to use this term as an insults and this term literally describes an economy of mostly women who are like pulling themselves out of student debt buying themselves homes creating generational wealth for themselves that they never had before like how are you going to use that like as though it's an insults like kind of screwed up so I don't mind it I'm happy with however anybody wants to credit me like of course I would love the books to be referenced but like I'm not bothered by the influencer of it all because I recognize it as like an actual viable career and I feel like when people say like oh do you not want me to call you an influencer how do you feel about that it comes from this place of like people don't recognize it as a real career and that kind of makes me so sad because I'm like wow it's like this female dominated industry full of women like completely rewriting their own lives and becoming independently wealthy which like should be celebrated but for some reason it's not see this is the conversation that like is happening in Australia right now where like a bunch of what we would call influences were obviously like doing political coverage for like our recent election and it was like used as such like this term to just like completely undercut their their opinions to be like what are they doing like on in these in these environments but like something about that industry and it is a multi billion dollar industry is that it can be like quite competitive as well and there is a lot of like comparison and yeah like we said jealousy how do you how do you manage that or would you just like not experience it or utilize it in a different way yeah I think it's like anything else like I'm sure people at their own nine to five jobs have at the experience of like I even talk with my friends like you're competing against a coworker for a promotion like there's a lot of competition within those spaces so I think it's like anything else that like you're gonna compare yourself to people and you're gonna see somebody on this brand trip getting this deal shooting this thing and you're gonna say why did not get that but I think if you want to be successful you can't you can't view other content creators as competition only as community and I genuinely feel that way like sometimes those creeping senses of comparison will creep up but like I know that like rising tides rise all both so in one of us wins we all win and like I believe that the opportunities meant for me won't pass me by and so because I believe that I try not to sit with any sort of comparison at all and instead I'm like that's my community like look at how well people in my community are doing like when I see another influencer write a book when I see an influencer launcher podcast a book club a show anything that is similar to stuff I do like I'm just celebrating that because it's like when one person in our community wins we all win and the more that we view it like that just like the better it is for everybody yeah and I feel like we're talking about this like in a singular like business space but that's like advice that you can take in any area that you're in in your 20s like especially like academics as well like I feel like a lot of people who listen to this like still obviously still in university or some of them even like in high school and the thing is is that like comparison will continue to repeat itself oh it always exists yeah it will always exist and like you think that like oh I'm gonna leave this like high-priced academic environment it's gonna be gone no because it's like a human quality right so it's gonna be with you you have to like just change how you approach it totally and I also think that like you're just gonna continue to raise the standards that you have set for yourself so it's like not going anywhere you just have to learn how to maintain and manage it okay so this is another kind of element of this that I think you probably deal with like in your career more than others but which everyone is going to come across at some point in their lives which is managing people having the wrong impression or opinion of you and I actually saw you make like an Instagram story about this the other day which was like that's the worst part of this job is having the bravery to like be like this is my life now comment on it however you would like and not being able to kind of talk back to those myth like you know false impressions how do you manage that I think you have to realize like there are people that are hell-bent on misunderstanding you like whatever you say they will be like you're wrong there are people that have a story about you and their mind they mind for details to confirm that story is true the story is riddled with confirmation bias. And it's like, I don't want to focus on that one person of people. If I could focus on the 99% of people who know my heart and my person and who I am. So I just ignore it. I think it takes a lot of strength to get to that place. And I don't think it's for everyone. Like, I have a lot of friends who are like, I would love to post, but like I could never deal with the perception aspect. And I get that. Like, it's not for everyone. And that's not the same. Like stronger than anyone else. It's just a matter of, do you want to deal with it? Yes or no? I do believe anyone could get to a place or they're dealing with it in a healthy way. But not everybody wants to, which is totally valid. And I get and I wouldn't recommend it. Like, I wouldn't recommend it because it takes a lot of mental strength to get to a place where you can just read like nasty lies about yourself and you have to do, you can't do anything about it. Like, there's zero you could do. If you try to, if you, if someone said, she had a nose job and you never had a nose job, so you went on a lie detector test and said, I never had a nose job. And it said you were telling the truth. They would be like, she paid off the lie detector. Like, if they believed that you had a nose job, even if you never did, they're never not gonna believe that. So like, there's nothing that you can do. And once you just free yourself from the idea that like, people are just gonna help in on having the wrong idea of you. Why would you focus on anyone who has the wrong idea about you? Like, you know the truth. Like, it really brings me peace of mind. I've never had a nose job. I mean, that's just an example. No one's ever said that about me. But like, that's my example. Like, I've never had a nose job. And if you know that about yourself, well, I shouldn't matter that people are spending a falsified story about the fact that you had one. Yeah, I do. And I feel like it's this whole, everything we've been talking about here, like relies on the fact that we get so much about identity and validation and sense of self-worth from like our social ties. And so when we are misunderstood, when we feel jealous, when we feel comparison, it kind of fractures that like foundation for our beliefs. This is just like another battle for this. What's like the worst misunderstanding that you've heard about yourself? Like, I have one, but like, of my, of my own. And I feel like each of us has this thing that like we have been misunderstood about that we wish we could like clarify what's yours. People always like have said that like my parents paid for my book deals, which like, I don't understand how people can't wrap their head around this. Like, you cannot pay a traditional publisher to publish your book. You cannot pay Simon and Schuster, Hashet, Harper Collins, like at Penguin, you cannot pay them. That's not a thing. It doesn't exist. It's no, I'm not a money in the world that they will take to publish your book. Like, you can't do that. So that frustrates me because I feel like he just undermines like what I was able to do for myself. People say my parents connected me to them. My parents work in restaurants. They own small family run businesses. One time my dad self published a coffee table book about food. Like, that was the self publication. You can go and do it on Amazon. You can pay someone to self publish a book. My parents don't have connections in publishing. If they did, I never would have wanted to student debt to go to grad school. I would have said, "Mom and dad, hook me up with your connections." Like, they don't have them. And if they did, like, I'm so honest about so many things that happened in my life, I would share my connections. Like, I would say I had them, but I didn't have them. So it frustrates and upsets me that that allegation comes my way a lot, because I'm like, damn. And then, yeah, of course, her parents pay for everything, which is just simply untrue. And I think that like a lot of people, like, I grew up very privileged. And the truth of the matter is, my parents themselves did not grow up privileged. Like, the life that they've given to myself and my brothers was very different from the lives that they had themselves. And so it brings me a lot of sadness to like, see people that work so hard get sort of that tossed in their face, because it's like, they've worked so hard for my brothers and I, but also, I was cut off the day I graduated college. I am so transparent about how privileged that I have been in my life that I did not have student debt for my undergrad, which is like an unbelievable massive privilege that sets me up to be like miles ahead of other people. And I understand that truly and deeply, but I think it upsets me to see, oh, her parents pay for her whole life, because I'm so proud of myself. And also like, my parents didn't come from what they were able to provide from us for us. So I think it also like, I don't know, it just makes me feel upset like they didn't still work ethic in me or that like they're just paying for me, which they're not. And I don't know, I think that that can be frustrating. And it's something that's levied at a lot of women who don't come from privilege as well, which I'm just like, that's just plain sexist. I guess I could see how people are arriving at the point that my parents like, bankroll my life, but like, I haven't taken a dime from them since I graduated college. I would go and allow a detector test, I wish I could. Those are some of them like that I get that it's just frustrating. And like, I don't really need to prove people wrong, because I don't really care. You can't believe my parents pay for my life and that they bought my book deals and that they connected me with everybody. But like, that was true. I would have been a published author at like 18. - Literally, exactly. - No, I would have been calling that contact up at like 16. - Yeah, you would have been transferring the money into the bank accounts. Let's go. - Yeah, like let's, I would have been paying for it myself. - Yeah. - It's so frustrating. That's frustrating to me. And like, you know, there are worse things like in the world than that. But that's one of them that I'm always like dang. Like, I wish that like people just believe that I could work hard and obviously privilege has so much to do with it. And I never want to shy away from that fact. Like, the privilege I've had is undoubtedly set me ahead and allowed me to achieve the things I've achieved. It's such a such a young age. And that's not what I'm trying to suggest. I'm just trying to suggest what people like blatantly make up lies about me. It can be frustrating. - I think it's also frustrating because it obviously like a thing that goes so deeply against your value set. Like I'm sure people have a lot of things that you could easily dismiss and be like, no. But it's when something is like so deep actually against your core values and who you are is the person. Yeah, exactly. - Because I'd be honest, like if I think it's so, I always see those memes of like when you find out your friends' parents are paying for their rent, but they like lie about it and stuff like that. Like if my parents were paying for anything, I would be so open about that because I think like transparency in that regard is so important in our 20s. Especially around money, money, so awkward. And I would like to your point about it going against my value set. Like if my parents connected me with somebody in the publishing world, I would also be honest about that. Because then my story would be a lie. The story of like how I got to where I am today would be just a total lie. And like that's so problematic and unfortunate, you know? - Yeah, exactly. And also it's like it just wouldn't be smart business. - It would just wouldn't be smart business. It would be, yeah. Like if you believe nothing else, like you can believe that you would be doing what's best for your business and for like your identity. - Don't lie. That's exactly, exactly. It's like way. - It's like lying about like your parents being Nepo baby. Like when Nepo babies, they're like, I'm not a Nepo baby, I've worked so hard for this. Like people aren't pissed about Nepo babies. They're pissed when they don't admit that they had a lie. - No, I know. I don't know if you know the comedian Robbie Hoffman. I feel like I talk about her on the podcast all the time. She's so funny. She is so funny. Yeah, so underrated. Like she was on hacks, like she was on dying for sex two really amazing shows. I feel like if the frequent listeners of the podcast is sick of me talking about how good she is. But she did this interview with Raven from "That's So Raven" and her wife. And she was like, I don't care if you have money. I want the money. Like that's why people care about it, but don't lie about it. Like we don't want you to be poor. We just also want to be rich and we want you to be honest. - Yeah. - And it's very, very interesting. 'Cause like I remember I went to this like inner city public school in like Melbourne. And everyone's parents there. Well, the majority of them were living in an incredibly wealthy area. And no one would really admit that like maybe they'd had a few handouts and that like maybe actually like they were doing pretty well. And there was this whole culture of like who like I think it's even more offensive when someone takes like takes the idea of like, I don't know, not having much of poverty or like a really struggling and never having had any - And cosplays as it. - And cosplays as it. Yeah, exactly. - 100%. I think it's so important. I've always been transparent about growing up privileged and being a privileged person and like having parents who are able to like aid me with my education. Like that is a tremendous privilege to lie about that would be crazy because it is a massive leg up to graduate from college without student debt. Like a massive in America. Like that is a massive privilege. It sets you on a different path. It allowed me to be financially independent how I am now. So I think that to your point, like you're totally right. Like people who have money and who are financially privileged. Like nobody is mad at you. They just want you to be unless you're, you know, super unethical billionaire. - Yeah. - People just want you to be honest about it. People want you to be honest about it. And I think what frustrates me about lies that have been told about me is that I have been so honest about all of it so far. And they just pick and choose what to believe. Like why would I start lying now about, you know, oh, like my parents bought my book deal or something like that. Like that's just frustrating. Like why would I lie about that? Like if that happened, I promise I would be telling the 100% truth that my parents were paying for my lifestyle. I would tell the truth about that because it sells everyone a falsified sense of reality in what's possible. Like I'm just going to be honest about my financial place in this world as I have. have been. And I think it's important that other people do the same. Other people, especially who come from privilege, like to the point of like, oh, my parents pay my rent. And other people are looking at you like, how can you afford all of this? And it's like, cause they're getting help. It's, it's, I think really important in your 20s to be very open about that kind of stuff. Cause a lot of people are struggling and also a lot of influencers are posting lives online that people don't understand how they could lead. I know. And then I think it sets people up for failure when they're like, this is possible for me. And then they like bankrupt themselves. Yes. Yeah. It's that we see that influencing. It's bad influencing. Yeah. Absolutely. Oh, the truth about your reality on the internet in order to make it a peer a certain way. Because people will feel influenced by you. And I try to take that with a heightened level of responsibility and like be really honest. See, the thing that like I, like the biggest misunderstanding that someone had about me was really similar. Um, and it's true. Yeah. Well, it was like, I remember it was just one comment and one like thread that I found like just never look up yourself on Reddit by the way. Like anyone out there, like just don't do it. It's the worst decision of your life. But someone was like, oh, she's money hungry. Because like when I signed, I signed my deal for my podcast when I had a full time job and you know, there were all these expectations for how many ads I would run. And it was kind of the only way to be able to quit. And you know, that contract was for is for many, many years. And people always get frustrated by ads on the podcast. And I've, and every time someone brings it up, oh my god, it just really upsets me. And I, I know, I know it just, it really upsets me. And I can never figure out for a while. Like my friends were like, why is it this? Like why is it this that you people say all the time and every time you have such a visceral reaction? And I think it's because again, it's that there is all this context that people don't know. And they make an assumption off of a very, very limited thing. Also, it's like, how are you, how are you supposed to pay your bills if not for ads? Like they should be excited that you have more time to focus on the podcast because you've been able to leverage it as a full time career. And again, a woman who is self made is so important in this world. I don't know why we're not applauding more self made women. And instead we just need to tear them down constantly. And it's always like I'm paying for it or she's doing too much or she's money hungry now. But a dude could be like, I want to be rich and nobody cares. Exactly. Exactly. And I think this like again, it's this value thing where it's like, you have no idea how below my means I actually live. And like you have no idea like how much money I even make and like the money that I give to like family members and the money that I give to like like through donations and like how I help friends like I think that's the thing. You don't know. And it's like my parents always raise me to be again, it always comes back to this value like my parents always raise me to be very generous and to always like take what you have and give it back. And so when people assume that you're not what you've always been raised to be like for you, you were always raised to be hardworking. And people assume that you are not that. It's like just the deepest wound that can be cut. And I think it also again comes down to this thing if like people not being honest about about things. And thinking so you assume the worst like you assume the worst of someone that you really don't know anything about. And I don't judge anybody like I do judge people for coming out you like that, but I get where they're getting it. They're getting it from people who have lied. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. Like they're getting it from the people who have lied because there are people who have lied. But ultimately I just think we need to be celebrating more financially independent and successful and self-made women, especially who are just like unproblematic and doing their best and like are honest. Like seems that you've been very honest. So that's just like so horrible. I'm sorry. Oh no. I'm sorry for you as well. Like it's, but again, I love how we're like let's give let's give advice on how to be misunderstood. And we're like, West, I'm still angry. Yeah. I think it's frustrating, right? But like I think at the end of the day, like I freed myself from that kind of stuff. And you ask it about it. So I'll bring it back up. But the idea that my parents paid for my book deal, the idea that I don't fund my own lifestyle like those things are deeply rooted in sexism because they wouldn't say it about my brothers. They don't say it about men. And it's deeply troubling to me when they levy it at women who didn't come from privilege. Like I understand how you got there with me. Like I can see how you got there. It makes sense. Women who didn't come from privilege. Like that is so insulting. Like they are completely an entirely self-made. And that's what you're going to say. Like that is so deeply sexist to say about somebody who has put themselves in a financial situation they never would have been in before, which is true of so many female content creators and entrepreneurs in the media space. And this is the thing is like whatever situation you find yourself in, again, you know your truth. But also people can have those opinions and it does not change how much you can watch. You have worked for this and it does not change all the effort behind the scenes. And it's this thing of like okay if you truly believe that this is all that it took, give it a go. Like if you truly believe that this is what happened, like try and find another story like that or like. And for people who are, you know obviously not kind of in the space that we are in, I think it's just about having such a stoic mindset and being like okay, but genuinely how does this impact the actual reality of the situation? It's just words. And someone who is thinking about you that much, like they don't have time to think about themselves in a way that's improving them and bettering them. So it's like you, it's your gain through their loss, right? Like they have chosen to like let you occupy their mind. That's a win for you. Like you just kind of let that happen to you as well and let them occupy your mind. I think the cost of sort of being seen and putting yourself out there is dislike. Like the idea of people disliking you, you have to be brave enough so that people could dislike you. Yeah. We're scary, but real. It's the cost of like a lot of success. All right, we're going to take one more break, but when we return, I want to talk about your relationship and also a little bit about your new book. Stay with us. What do you do when the headlines don't explain what's happening inside of you? I'm Ben Higgins, and if you can hear me is where culture meets the soul, a place for real conversation. Each episode, I sit down with people from all walks of life, celebrities, thinkers and everyday folks, and we go deeper than the polished story. We talk about what drives us, what shapes us, and what gives us hope. We get honest about the big stuff, identity when you don't recognize yourself anymore, loss that changes you purpose when success isn't enough, peace when your mind won't slow down, fake when it's complicated. Some guests have answers. Most are still figure it out. If you've ever felt like there has to be more to the story, this show is for you. Listen to if you can hear me on the iHeartRadio app, Apple podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. China's Ministry of State Security is one of the most mysterious and powerful spy agencies in the world. But in 2017, the FBI got inside. This is Special Agent Regal, Special Agent Bradley Hall. This MSS officer has no idea the US government is on him. But the FBI has his chats, texts, emails, even his personal diary. Hear how they got it on the 6th Bureau podcast. I now have several terabytes of an MSS officer, no doubt no question of his life. And that's the unicorn. No one had ever seen anything like that. It was unbelievable. This is a story of the inner workings of the MSS and how one man's ambition and mistakes opened its vault of secrets. Listen to the 6th Bureau on the iHeartRadio app, Apple podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. You know Roldahl, the writer who thought up Willy Wonka, Matilda, and the BFG. But did you know he was also a spy? Was this the story you wrote his stories? I must have been. Our new podcast series, The Secret World of Roldahl, is a wild journey through the hidden chapters of his extraordinary controversial life. His job was literally to seduce the wives of powerful Americans. What? And he was really good at it. You probably won't believe it either. Okay, I don't think that's true. I'm telling you, I think I was a spy. Did you know Dahl got cozy with the Roosevelt's? Play poker with Harry Truman and had a long affair with a congresswoman. And then he took his talents to Hollywood where he worked alongside Walt Disney and offered Hitchcock. Before writing a hit James Bond film, how did this secret agent wind up as the most successful children's author ever? And what darkness from his covert past seeped into the stories we read as kids? The true story is stranger than anything he ever wrote. Listen to the secret world of Roldahl on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcast, or wherever you get your podcasts. I'm Hannah Navarro, and I'm my new podcast, "Bleep with Anna Navarro." I'm talking to the people closest to the biggest issues happening in your community and around the world. Because I know deep down inside right now we are all cursing and asking what the "Bleep" is going on. I'm talking to people like Julie K. Brown who broke the explosive story on Jeffrey Epstein in 2018. These victims have been let down time and time again. For decades and decades and decades by local law enforcement, by federal law enforcement, by administration after administration. The Justice Department through I think we counted for presidential administrations failed these victims. Listen to "Bleep with Anna Navarro" as part of the Michael Duda podcast that one. Available on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts. This season on Dear Chelsea with me, Chelsea Handler, we've got some incredible guests like Kumail Nanjiani. Let's start with your cat. How is she? She is not with us. She. Okay great great great way to start. So this is a great beginning and hopefully you'll be able to. I don't know maybe you will cry. Amanda Sifred. Life is so short. If you feel something like that you have that fire in you for this experience is not for a guy. It's for the experience of being in love and like it's bigger than a guy. Elizabeth Olsen. I love swimming naked so much and I know you love taking pictures of yourself. I just want to be in my run on the world of time. Ross Matthews. You know what kids always say to me? Are you a boy or a girl? Oh my god. All the time. I know. So I'm always like, hi, I try to put you up for kids. You know, so they're not confused. Yeah, but you're butching it up. It's basically like a door is day right now. I turn into be Arthur. Listen to these episodes of Dear Chelsea on the iHeartRadio app Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts. Am I right in saying you got engaged this year? Oh yes. I got engaged last year, 2024. Okay, how was it? It was so magical and perfect and I'm so excited for our wedding which it's crazy. It's like eight months away now and it feels like it happened so quickly. My gosh, eight months away. How was the wedding planning? Spirit. I guess you're still in it, right? It's interesting. My mom is definitely doing a lot of it. So that's really helpful. Frankly with like this whole book situation, I haven't been thinking much about the wedding, but I know once the book is behind us and we kind of get closer to 2026 because it's going to be sort of all hands on deck, which yeah, it's crazy. You're having like a little summer wedding almost like a pre-summer wedding. Yes. Pre-summer wedding like kick off of summer, which I love because summer is my favorite season. Yeah, it's the best. Okay, this is a question I get speaking about 20s. I get all the time, which is how do I know that I'm with the right person? How did you know that you were with the right person? I think it's like so annoying to say like I can't stress how annoying this is going to be, but like if you have to ask, it's not the right person. You will know. Like I promise you, you will know. It is the most subtle and also deeply comforting feeling of just like this is my person. There's no other way this could go. It's only us like I can't describe it other than that like it just makes sense. And like you will know if you're it's not some big fireworks explosive feeling, it's very subtle and very comforting. And I think if you're searching for it, it's not there. And I don't mean to be condescending like at all. I just had never felt the way that I feel with my partner now with anybody else that I had ever been with. And I thought some of them were the one, but they weren't. And it took meeting the person who was to be like, damn, like that's what it feels like to be with the right person. It's just very comfortable, very subtle, very comforting, very obvious. This is like the line that everyone always says like, you know, you know, and I think when you and I think again, like when you're in the situation when you're like, what do they mean by that? It's like, well, you probably haven't. Yeah, I'm felt that way. And that's okay. Like it's more special if it's singular. Like it's going to come for you and who knows? Like, but why would you want to feel that a million times? Like the person that you're going to want to end up being with, like that should be more special than the rest. So like being patient for that feeling is worth it. When do you think is the time to leave a relationship? So if you have this feeling and you're like, I'm just not sure how much time do you think you should give yourself to really maybe investigate it if you've got like a bit of relationship anxiety or like you just found yourself being quite stressed about relationships in general. I think it depends on how long you've been in the relationship. Like if it's been like six months and you're like, I think every individual relationship is different, right? I think you just have to take the time that you need to investigate it and be real with yourself. I would talk to someone about it. Maybe that's a therapist, a trusted family member, a friend, sometimes like getting the feelings out into the world with someone like non-judgmental can be helpful. And then I would make your decision from there. I wouldn't linger for too long. Like I feel like the same way if you know, you know, about wanting to be with someone, there's an if you know, you know, about wanting to get out. And sometimes we avoid the feeling for far too long, but like the longer you avoid it, the harder it'll be. Yeah. And trust you got like it's not relationship anxiety. If it's been following you for months, like if this has been like three months, six months, like there's something else going on there. There's something else going on there. And you'll feel like a huge sense of relief. I think like a lot of people don't want to be single. And that's actually why they stay in a relationship. What's like your thoughts or advice on that predicament? I don't think like being single is inferior to being in a relationship. Like I don't see one as like a waiting room and one as a destination. I see them as like sort of equivalents. Or like being single can be equal to dating and can be equal to being in a relationship. You can be single and want to be in a relationship. But there's like nothing wrong with being single. And I think once you realize like being single is not a waiting room, it gets so much better. Because like yeah, right. Like I was like waiting to live my life till I was in a relationship. That's sort of so sad. Like let me just live it now. I understand being scared to be single after being in a partnership for so long. But like being scared means that you care. And I think that's a really good place to start. And not only that, like when you are scared and when you do something brave, like that's when the greatest transformations of your life happens. You have to like keep the faith that on the other side. It will be good again. And I do believe that it will be like no one has been heartbroken for their whole entire life. It's not a thing. And even if they have, they've made amazing art from it. Like, like, like, poured that into other people. Like, yeah, something. But even so, yeah. This is the thing like I was saying, this to my friend the other day, I was like, maybe that's where all the cat ladies come. And there's a lot of souls that need love. And there's always going to find love in like some form, right? Like, maybe you, maybe you will grieve this person for the rest of your life. You probably most certainly won't. But if you do, like, that means that you're going to have so much more emotion to put into other things as well. And that means you're going to feel very, very human. And also you're just like, that's the worst case scenario. It's obviously not going to actually occur. Like people are so flexible and get over so much more and so much worse. And like, your heart can take so much more than you expect. Let's like turn our focus back onto your book as we wrap up. It's out now. When this episode comes out, you guys may have caught on that we are recording this a little bit early, but I just have to get you lie on the show. It's out now. What is your favorite chapter or favorite takeaway from this collection of essays? I love the last chapter. Like, that's probably my faith. Like, if I had to choose my number one, it would be the last. I also really like the first, but my favorite thing is like getting to see what other people think of it. Like, somebody's favorite chapter is not going to be one of those two that I just mentioned. And I can't wait to find those little nuggets of reader feedback out once it's in the world. Hmm. What's the last chapter on? So we all know it is does anyone else feel like it's okay not to know everything? The biggest fear about 20s. The fear from which all other fears stem from, I believe, the fear of the of the art. Yes. Yes. I can't wait to read it. We always finish with this one question. And I'm excited to hear it. So which is what is one thing you wish you knew sooner about your 20s or one piece of advice you would have for someone in your 20s that has nothing to do with what we discussed today? I would say like, don't try to waste it away. Don't try to be like on to the next all the time. I think there was a large chunk of my 20s that I like was just so wanting to like be out of that phase out of my skin into a different phase into a different moment. And I just like really regret not living in the present more. So I would say just like lean into the moment even if it's uncomfortable sticky shitty awful you hate it. You're never going to get the time back and who knows what the future holds. Yeah. Respect all seasons there for a reason. Even the terrible ones. Yeah. Well, I want to thank you again for coming on the podcast. Where can everybody find you? You can find me on Instagram, you lie at elay.rallo and tic-tac at elay.rallo and you can get the book wherever you buy books. Yeah, you can get both books. I will leave them in the description below. They have really cool covers as well. Oh my gosh. Thank you. I appreciate that. The cover like I remember when you announced that your second book I was like, That's a really sexy cover. Thank you. Thank you. I love it. People are going to love it. Thank you again for joining us. As always, if you enjoyed the episode, please leave a five-star review wherever you are listening. Make sure you're following along and follow us on Instagram at that psychology podcast to see the other guests we have coming on this December, as well as just keep up behind the scenes. Stay safe, be kind, be gentle to yourself. We will talk very, very soon. You can scroll the headlines all day and still feel empty. I've been Higgins and if you can hear me, is where culture meets the soul. Honest conversations about identity, loss, purpose, peace, faith, and everything in between. Celebrities, thinkers, everyday people, some have answers. Most are still figuring it out. And if you've ever felt like there has to be more to the story, this show is for you. Listen to if you can hear me on my iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcast. On the Adventures of Curiosity Cove Podcasts, when peanut butter disappears from school, Ella's scout and Leyla launch a full detective mission. Their search leads them back in time to meet a brilliant inventor whose curiosity changed the world. In this Black History Month adventure, asking questions, thinking creatively, can lead to amazing discoveries. Listen to Adventures of Curiosity Cove every Monday from the Black Effect Podcast Network, on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcast. I'm Heather DeBro. And I'm Terry DeBro. And we're going to keep this between us. Not really. The TMZ guy walks up to me goes, Terry, what do you think about Bradley Cooper? They asked him and they said he's not had any plastic surgery. But I mean, what's the latest room where I'm gay, right? That's the latest room where? Yes. Listen to Between Us on America's number one podcast network, iHeart. Follow Between Us and start listening on the free iHeartRadio app today. Early in his career, he shocked his mom more than once. And we even shocked him on what we had to do to get to visit with him. Listen and subscribe on the iHeartRadio app, a podcast or wherever you listen to podcasts. Or confidence, this isn't just a podcast. Listen to DJ Hester Prins' Music Is Therapy on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. This is an iHeart podcast. Guaranteed Human.