Lesson 6: Forgiveness

Welcome back! This week we're talking about the best response to being wronged. And it's actually not what your dad told you to do on the playground. That's a joke, but it's actually a good example of the way our culture shapes us to defend rather than to forgive. And when it comes to that defense, many of us tend to either stuff it down and cover up our anger or we vent it all out, telling everyone how we were offended, hoping that that will vindicate us and make us feel better. Jesus actually gives us a countercultural imperative that's better than neither of these typical choices that I know I tend to make. So let's listen as Ryan unpacks forgiveness. We're going to look at the topic of forgiveness. Before I dive into that, I want to open up with an illustration and an image of marriage that I'm not going to apologize for this. It's a little cheesy, but I think that it's helpful. Marriage early on is like a meadow. A meadow comes to my mind and I see something that it's beautiful. There's life, there's freedom. You can enjoy the weather, enjoy the scenery. Early on a marriage is like you're in a meadow together. It's nice. And then unexpectedly as you're out there frolicking, you step in a big cow patty. Now that jolt of unfortunate reality happens to everybody at some point early on in marriages. They step in a cow patty and I'm liking this to the sins and the flaws, the weaknesses, the hurts that marriage bring. You're married to a sinner. You're going to step in each other's sin. You try to forgive and just endure it. You're maybe back to the meadow. You wipe off your shoe and you go back to trying to enjoy your marriage. And as you keep on, you're out there in the meadow again, you find you step in another one. And eventually instead of focusing on the beautiful meadow, you're focusing on the ground and you're trying to dodge cow patty. That's something that I think everybody goes through. For me and my wife Brandy, our experience was like this. In 2003, November of 2003, we got married. And it was really fun and just joyful for a few months at least. And then we went to a conference together. It was a 2004, it was a desiring God conference. John Piper was putting it on. The name of the conference was sex and the supremacy of Christ. I thought this sounds really interesting. We went to it and heard some great speakers and the topic was certainly interesting to me. You know, this conference was speaking to both of us in different ways. And at one point in the conference between sessions, I kind of realized I need to talk to Brandy about some stuff. And I began to share about a struggle that I was having that I expected marriage to kind of take care of more so. I realized that I had always struggled with lust. That was the kind of struggle growing up. And I got married and I knew that that would still be a struggle. But I thought, you know, Brandy and I need to just talk about where I am, where I am in my heart and where I am in the struggle. And as it began to kind of let that out with Brandy, she didn't respond so well. She didn't respond with the gracious kind of, you know, acceptance that I expected. And my reaction to that, I felt like I'd stepped in a cow patty there. She probably from her side probably felt like I threw it at her. She wasn't anticipating this. And my reaction to that stepping in the cow patty was to pull back. And for a while, I was like, well, I'm not going to talk about that anytime soon. And I began to be self protective. What do you think that did for our marriage? Didn't go so well. You know, that that led to a period of us being separated and emotionally and spiritually until again, I had to come up again. And basically, that's my version of that story early on. We won't wait for the meadow. And so here's the stages that are typical of any marriage. It starts off with honey moon joy. Honey moon joy leads to the surprise of sin. It could be the shock of major sin like secret sin and the deception that accompanies it. It could be explosive anger, hurtful words, you name it, or it could be just the small trickle of daily sin, things like grumbling, nitpicking, self-righteous comments that put your spouse off. Being taken for granted or unappreciated, the surprise of sin could be the swirling mix of both of those. You might be thinking, Ryan, you're speaking right to me. That's exactly how I feel. I feel like I'm stepping in my spouses sin. I guarantee it. You're sitting next to somebody who's thinking the same thing. You are both stepping in each other's sin. It's the reaction to that that will make or break your marriage. You can react to sin, to your spouses sin by disengaging, by self-protecting, saying, "I'm not going to trust him again. I'm not going to trust her again." Disillusionment, resentment, resentment is simply keeping a record of wrongs. God knows these stages that we go through. He's acquainted with our experience and he knows that when we step in each other's sin, when we are hurt by one another, we stand in a fork in the road that can either make or break our marriage. When God in His wisdom speaks right to us in that place where we stand in the fork in the road, Ephesians chapter 4 verses 31 and 32 says this, "Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving one another as God in Christ forgave you." Here's the fork in the road. When you step in each other's sin, when you are hurt by one another, you are left with one of two choices. You can either resent or you can forgive. Resenting is verse 31. Verse 32 is the picture of forgiving. In verse 31, the first option is when we are sinned against, we tend to either stuff or unleash our anger. Both of those pictures, stuffing our anger and unleashing it, they are both a lack of forgiveness. Both of those types are different temperaments, different people's ways of responding to resentment. They take the hurt, they take the sin and they internalize it and they either are going to stuff it down and let it turn into a root of bitterness that is going to poison, it is going to become poisonous, it is going to affect everything. Or you are going to be the type of person who is hurt and then you immediately hurt back or immediately retaliate. You see it in the fact that verse 31 has a bunch of synonyms for anger. Look at the word bitterness. Bitterness is the product of anger that is on dealt with. It is anger that has been stuffed. And actually in the book of Hebrews chapter 12-15 says, "Let no root of bitterness grow in you." A root of bitterness, why is it called a root? Well where are roots found? They are found underground. You don't see roots. If you try to pull up a weed and you leave the roots, it is going to come back. If you have bitterness, you have been hurt, you have stuffed it. That anger turns to resentment and that resentment turns to bitterness and it turns everything sour. And then what ends up happening is when you have stuffed your anger and it becomes bitterness, all that it takes for you to explode is just something that provokes you a little bit and it all comes out. One of our biggest fights happened over the way we were hanging our curtains. First couple of years of marriage, we were bitter but we were fighting over the curtains. And half of you through that fight, you kind of have to stop and realize like, we're not fighting about curtains. We're fighting about resentment, about bitterness. He goes on and says, put away clamor and slander. Clamor is shouting and lashing out. Slander is using hurtful words meant to tear down rather than build up. And then he ends it by saying, along with all malice. Malice is a word that just simply means wanting to see the other person fail or rooting for their pain. It's just wishing ill will for another person. All of these responses are the alternative to forgiving. Both responses though, whether you're stuffing it or unleashing it, they're eventually going to lead to a destruction in the relationship to growing apart. So how are we supposed to react to our spouses sin when we're hurt? Well, God's clear prescription for us is to forgive. Let me read for verse 32 again. It says, be kind to one another. Tender-hearted, forgiving one another is God in Christ forgave you. God wants us to forgive when we're hurt by one another. And this call to forgive is meant to be a miracle. blessing, not just for the person being forgiven, but it's meant to be a blessing for the one who's forgiving, who is doing the forgiving. God isn't trying to say, "Hey, you just take the short end of the stick and forgive. Let your spouse trample all over you and just take it." No, it's meant to be a blessing because the person who doesn't forgive becomes more and more characterized by their unforgiveness by their anger, by their resentment. But the person who learns to forgive is becoming more and more free. They become more and more Christ-like and joyful. It actually says in Proverbs 1911 that it is to a man's glory to overlook an offense. To forgive is glorious. It's beautiful. It's hard to do, though. To forgive is not easy. And it's actually something that's often misunderstood. I want to define forgiveness. It's in your notes here. But to be really clear, what is forgiveness? Forgiveness is releasing another from the penalty of sin so that the relationship can be restored. When we forgive, we release the person from the penalty of their sin. Because here's the thing about forgiveness is when someone hurts us, we feel like they owe us. They go into our debt. And so, again, in your notes, I have some things to just kind of elaborate on what forgiveness is. Forgiveness is canceling a debt. Oh, do you? You know, in the Lord's Prayer, we pray, forgive us our debts as we forgive our debtors. That language is intentional. If someone goes into our debt, they owe us. But then God calls us to forgive, release them of the debt. You know, if, say, let's pretend somebody comes to your house and they break your lamp. They do it intentionally. They go and just knock over your lamp. At that point, that person is in your debt. They owe you a lamp, right? Well, that lamp has to be replaced. If you don't replace it, you now have to pay for it with a lack of light. Or you can go to target, pay for it and actually buy another lamp or the person who knocked over the lamp could buy you another lamp. Somebody's got to pay. And that's the debt. And to forgive somebody is to release them of the debt. So, what are some ways we try to make people pay us back when they hurt us? Let me get more specific. What are some ways we make our spouses pay us when they hurt us? Well, sometimes it's, you hurt me. I'm going to hurt you back. You know, an eye for an eye. You yell at me. I'm going to yell at you back. Or you've hurt my feelings. You forgot something. You forgot something important to me. I'm going to be cold and distant. It's a way of pain back. It could be withholding romance. It could be withholding sex. With holding a sense of connection and intimacy. It could be internalizing your pain and just kind of rooting for your spouse to get it one day. Where, you know, one day he'll see what I've, you know, all that I've put up with and he's going to see how miserable he's been. You know, we can kind of, it's a form of malice. But there's a ton of different ways we pay people back. And all of them are forms of unforgiveness. So, cancelling a debt owed to you. That's the essence of forgiveness. A second aspect of forgiveness that needs to be clarified is it to forgive is both a one-time event and it's an ongoing process. What I mean by that is there is a time where we have to forgive. We choose to forgive. But at the same time, it is something that we have to work out and continue to forgive even if we've made the choice once. And let me illustrate it this way. There are these giant bells. The only, the movie The Hunchback of Notre Dame comes to my mind where the Hunchback would go up and he'd ring this giant bell. And when you think of ringing a bell like that, it's going to take a lot of effort and energy to get a thing, that massive moving. But once you start that bell moving back and forth, the bell's ringing these giant tones. Well, forgiving is like letting go of the rope. That bell is going to continue ringing, but you've let go of the rope. When you forgive, you let go of the rope, but the feelings of pain and resentment might come back. And as it comes back, it might get kind of less and less. They still come back. You've chosen to forgive, but you feel the hurt. You're reminded about what your husband did to you or what your wife did to you. But you've chosen to forgive. You've let go of the rope. And one day, the feelings will barely be an audible tone until it's gone. Forgiveness is a one-time event and it's an ongoing process. Third, forgiveness is removing the control that the offender has over you. When we are not forgiving, when we're harboring resentment, who you are is defined by the way the other person has hurt you. But when you forgive, you're giving yourself the gift of releasing yourself from that. And you're giving the gift to your spouse. You can move on. You can let go of the stress and the anxiety of unforgiveness. Andy Stanley said this, "The one who benefits the most from forgiveness is the one who grants it." It's absolutely true. And the fourth thing here, forgiveness is wanting good for your offender and seeking reconciliation when possible. You know, there's forgiveness is not necessarily just trusting the person and just enabling them to do the same thing over and over. It's genuinely wanting their good. And to genuinely want their good will include, "I don't want you to continue going on sinning the way you're sinning. I want to see change." But this is a complex point. We don't root for their pain. We don't try to pay them back. We release them from their debt to us. And we root for their good. But that can mean at the same time that we say, "I'm not ready to trust you yet." Or we need to take some measures. If it's infidelity, if there's maybe there's an addiction or some sort of sinful pattern, you want their good. Their good includes their freedom and release from that addiction, that sinful pattern. So I heard Ken Sandy give what he calls the four promises of forgiveness. It's from his book, The Peace Maker. And this to me clarifies what forgiveness is in a way that's almost too convicting. But I'm going to go with this. The four promises of forgiveness includes this. I will not dwell on this incident. Number two, I will not bring this incident up and use it against you. Number three, I will not talk to others about this incident. Number four, I will not allow this incident to stand between us or hinder our personal relationship. Those hit me where I live right now. To say something like, "You always do this to your spouse." Or you never say this or you never do this. That's not forgiveness because right there you're keeping a record of wrongs. You're breaking number two, I will not bring this incident up and use it against you. Forgiveness is something that it's, let me just be straight, it is not easy to do. I would go step further and say it's impossible to do. Because apart from the Holy Spirit in us, we don't have it in us to forgive. That's why Paul says, and it's a crucial phrase at the end of verse 32, "Forgive one another as God in Christ forgave you." We're called to forgive each other in the same way Christ forgave us. You know, whenever I do weddings, I usually close with the charge that they are to love each other and to forgive each other through all seasons. And then I ask the question, how do you forgive? When it gets down to, how do you forgive each other? And my answer to that question is three things. You're going to forgive each other because you're crazy about each other. You love each other. You just, you want to forgive each other. There'll be times where it's just going to be easy to forgive because you love each other. There'll be other times where it's going to be, you're pretty angry and you're going to need to pray for the strength to forgive. But there are other times. And this is ultimately, there'll be times where you're going to have to recall this idea. Forgive one another as God in Christ forgave you because you're this person that you're called to forgive. You're too angry. You don't have it in you. You're going to realize that this person does not deserve forgiveness and I'm not, I'm not even, I don't have the energy to forgive. And then you remember the words as God in Christ forgave you. I have been forgiven of infinitely more than I will ever be called to forgive my spouse of the same is true for my wife. She has been forgiven of, forgiven of infinitely more. Her sin against God, my sin against God, we've been forgiven more by Christ than we will ever be called to forgive. forgive one another and it doesn't matter how much we sin against each other because God, Jesus came and he did nothing but love us, serve us. He laid down his life for us. When we were in the, in our, the depth of our sin, he laid down his life for us. He forgave us of infinitely more. Remembering that gives us the strength to forgive one another. So why do we wrestle to forgive like that? Well, the good news is that this is worth the effort because when we forgive, God turns the trash in our marriages into treasure. God is not calling us to forgive just so that we could learn to get beat up by each other. No, he actually takes our hurts, the trash, and he turns it into something beautiful. And let me actually close by going back to this meadow. Because we want our marriages to be this beautiful meadow. The cow patties of our sin seem to prevent that from happening, especially when we find the numbers of sins, the number of patties that are just spread throughout this whole thing. It becomes, there's, there's seasons where we can't imagine enjoying the meadow because there's so much sin that we're stepping in. But then when you learn to forgive, picture it like this. Being to forgive is like taking a shovel to that cow patty. You scoop it up and you take it to this place that's fenced off and you throw that cow patty into behind the fence and it forms a pile and it becomes a compost pile. You throw other things in there as well and pretty soon what you're finding is, and if you know anything about compost, it starts off, it's pretty smelly. It's not a, it's not a sightly thing or it's not a, it's not a beautiful thing. But when you start mixing it with like the orange peels and all the other things that kind of go into a compost pile and mixed with earth, pretty soon it becomes this rich organic, nutrient-filled soil. It's compost that, that more and more life comes out of it. And when you learn to forgive like this, you take what's ugly in your marriage and you put it on display where the glory of God is put on display. You learn to take the things that, yeah, we both bring our share of cow patties to this marriage. But as we've learned to forgive one another, it becomes a memory, a signpost of all the good things God has done in our marriage. That's the promise that you are married to a forgiven sinner. Jesus has forgiven your wife. Jesus has forgiven your husband. When you learn to forgive each other, the way Jesus has forgiven you, your marriage is transformed. The trash becomes a beautiful treasure. And so that's my prayer for me, that's my prayer for you. That's my prayer for our marriages. We all bring sin. God wants to turn that sin into something beautiful, but the way we get theirs through learning to forgive. Let me pray. Father, would you teach us to forgive the way we've been forgiven? The only way we're really going to learn how to do that is to know deeply that we're not deserving of your forgiveness, but you give it totally and fully. You've canceled our debt. Jesus paid our penalty at the cross. He came and lived the life that we were supposed to live. He died the death that we were supposed to die. And Lord, would you teach us to find our hope and our joy in that and then fill us with what it takes to forgive one another, to be able to cancel each other's debts? And Lord, I pray that You help us to do this for Your sake, for Your glory and for the sake of our marriages, in Jesus' name, amen.