Leslie Jones Returns

Hi, my name is Leslie Jones, and I feel so conflicted about being Conan O'Brien's friend. Can I just say so needy and it's just, please be my friend, you know, he's not in my ministry, you know? Hey there and welcome to Conan O'Brien Meets A Friend. I am joined by Matt Gourley. Hi. And Sonah is normally with us at this part. She's going to be here for the interview, but at the moment, she cannot join us. She's in Hawaii. She's in Hawaii. She's going to be back in time though, for the interview? I know. It's amazing. Yeah, 10 minutes away. She's on a jet that will land any second. It's an American Airlines flight that will land in exactly about 15 minutes, but she's going to miss out on this part. But David is going to be joining us, David Hopping, the assistant who replaced Sonah when we realized she really wasn't doing anything. We've done a terrific job, David. Hey, thank you. And I understand that you have a question for me. That's always nice to start with a question for you. I do have a question for you. So recently, you watched your first episode of Love Island. Yes, I did. And I thought it would be fun for you to share with everyone your thoughts on the show. That's fair enough. I had heard a lot about this Love Island. I know it's a big show, so I watched a Love Island and then it was shocked and stunned, not by their beautiful bodies and not by the steamy, central situations. But by how little they do. They don't, I mean, if they were wearing, you know, fit bits or if they were wearing apple watches, I think each of them in a day would record maybe four steps because they sit and hang around, right? Yeah. And talk. They pull each other for chats. And then they say, I'm going to go, you know, talk to, you know, Brenda, and I'm going to take her to that. And she doesn't. They don't take her someplace interesting. They're on this, in this house, right? And they say we're going to take her over to the, you know, Kuku Kov, which is the name of her room. And it's spelled out in neon. And it's four feet that way and not on an island. Do you ever get to see them? They're on an island, but they're like a villa on the island. They could be in, in Westwood here in Los Angeles. I mean, it doesn't matter where they are. They could be in Cleveland. They could be anywhere because it's, okay, yeah, I understand that it's a nice climate, but they don't do anything. They don't go anywhere. And they're just always sitting and lounging. That's all they do. All they can do is just talk to each other and what are the names of the different nooks? Oh my God. I'm blanking out of a dough jump in here because Joe is sitting in for Eduardo, who decides. Well, can I just say Eduardo's out because he said he was busy today. And then I noticed that World Cup games, a big one between Spain and France just played. And I think maybe that's the cause of his sudden bout with diarrhea. Okay. So Joe. They're soul ties. Soul ties. There's the hideaway. The hideaway. And these are rooms that are maybe six feet away from where they all sit. And they get, one of them gets up and goes to the other and says, hey, come with me. And they say, okay, and then they go to a soul ties or what's it called? You can't just go to the hideaway though. What do you mean? You've got to get to book it in advance. You got to know someone. Yeah. Like if you're a successful couple, they'll put you in there and it's a villa inside the building. Oh, yeah. It's where they get to bang. Yeah. Oh, no. We're having sex there. They can. They can. Yeah. But what is it? But they're not married. And they're not presumably wanting children. That's the only reason to have sex. I'm sorry. I forgot. This is hosted by the Quaker religion this episode. I just don't see that they're doing, they don't seem to, no one moves. And everyone's in great shape. So I know that they're working out furiously when they're not on camera. But for the show, they don't do anything. They do like a challenge. Did you watch the whole season? I did. Yeah. They do. You lounge leaning to the right today, you're going to lounge leaning to the left. Yeah. No, they did this challenge a few nights ago where each couple had to like take different foods, like though guy would put ketchup in his mouth and spit it into the girl's mouth, then she would spit it into something else. I don't know. Like birth. Yeah. Or like, fat boy hazy. What is this? Wow. But it shows that they love each other. And this is a hugely successful thing, right? It's huge. It's huge. Yeah. What's the end? Is that happen? Yeah. Did they stay couples? Is this as any relationship lasted? I think so. Like Bergey from a few seasons ago is engaged. Bergey. Yeah. Who is also on the traders? I'm sure you are caught up on all things that buy on the traders. I'll get to it. This is how Jill and Joe Biden is back in 1921. He took her to the hideaway and they banged and then 70 years went by. Incredible. But some of them say together and then at the end, the couple who wins gets to split. $100,000. How do they win America votes on the love island out? But I'm an American. I don't vote. Is it true that more Americans vote for love island than vote for the president? Sure. I would admit. I just thought of something and I hope it's not true. I'm going to say it's not true. Yeah. It's easier. What's that? It's easier to vote for love island. Well, because you have to be happy. Yeah. I mean, the current administration is going to change it. So to vote on love island, you need. You need your birth certificate. Yeah. Yeah. Special. Yeah. That's a problem. I will not see love island voters disenfranchised. I will not see that happen. That's not American. Yeah. Can you vote more than once? Throughout the season, you get a chance to vote. But you can only do it once, like, you know, they'll be like, rate your police compatible couple tonight. And then tomorrow night, you rate your favorite couples. So you can vote once, like, per time or maybe one or two election cycles away from being this. This is the way we vote. You know what I mean? And, and this, you want this person to be your, the president of the United States, you know, uh, you got to watch him bang in the hideaway, hideaway. Yeah. And maybe that's as good a qualification as any who can say who can really say, wait a minute thinking about it. No. Not a good idea. Yeah. David, you are so obsessed with these shows. They're your life. Yeah. Yeah. I think that you love them too. No. I just think that you wanted met it. What made you watch an episode? I was. I think you were talking David. David. I was talking to me about it a lot, and then I, and, and this is the same thing that's happened with Sona. Sona will talk of these shows and like any cultural anthropologist, I feel it's my duty to understand what's happening in the United States. So I watched, I watched a love island. I think I watched one with my wife. And then I watched like half of one on my own. I think I was in New York. And then I was, I was, and I'm not dissing anyone who likes it. It just wasn't for me because it's, it's too lethargic. I just want people to go somewhere or do some, you like a, you like a below deck? My wife is crazy about below deck. I, I, no, it's still not. It sounds to me like reality TV's getting a little lazy. Is that what you're saying? Yes. I think, you know, in the early days, it was, you're going to be on this island. You've got to survive. You've got to do this or else you need to get to Belgium and we're going to pair you with someone who hates Belgium and you guys are going to, it's a lot of running around. I think I like frenetic action when people are lying around, I mean, they just practically have like sailing bags to keep, you know, so they don't have to move. I, I don't know. I get bummed out. Sounds very American. Mm hmm. Well, sorry. Sorry. I brought it up. Yeah. Yeah. Well, okay. Well, that's my damning indictment of Love Island. And I'm sure that's going to sway a lot of people. Love Island is different than love is blind. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Are you blinded? No. I've never actually watched that one. But I know. But I know. They're pretty sure they like sitting pods and they talk and just can't see the other one. That's all my wife is always watching. When I come in the bedroom and she's breastfeeding. And I don't, I don't understand what's happening at the time. Joe, do you watch that one? Yeah. You don't even, but you'd be fair. You don't understand what lactation is. I don't. I don't at all. Okay. I don't know Love is blinded at all. Which one is that? That's that Joe watches at. It's Joe. Let's hear the report. So they just sit in these pods. They can't see each other. They talk for two weeks and they're supposed to fall in love. They just go on like different dates. They all they can do is hear the other person's voice. I understand. How do they go out on dates if they're in pods? It's kind of like Zoom without the video. What is this thing? What is this thing? It's like audio. I'm cracking something here. People want to watch reality shows with beautiful people as long as they're not moving. That seems to be the trend that I've discovered. I think they feel better about themselves when they see a thargic hot people. Right. It would be hot, but I can get up and I walk to the fridge and get a and get a cool light. And I just threw that out there. That's probably not our, what's the bear we're pushing? The little light. Okay. Thank you. You know, I can get up and go and get the beer. He said. Wait. Do you want to get it already? No. I didn't forget it already. I just thought like why give them a free ride? Yeah. Right. No, you know, the old mill on light. You can be here. Anyway. I'm very worried. I think the problem in America's 250th year is that our reality shows have become more static. It's funny. You don't worry about reality shows being popular in general. You worry that the reality show format itself. Is dying on the vine. No, I'm just worried that they're not moving apparently people are watching them like crazy But people are sitting at home on a couch watching other people sitting there on a couch and I think this is the Just invented a great reality show where you watch people on the couch watching reality TV or else The technology exists. You're watching people watch you. Oh my god. If they could figure that out That's a hit formula. I want to sit and watch people watch me. You do You definitely laugh. Yeah, and you know what? I did for 28 years on television Yeah, I sat and watched people watch me and you know what it was an erotic ride More on that later our guest today my guest today as a hilarious comedian who was a cast member on Saturday Night Live She now has a new HG TV show called roast my rental and is currently performing standup on her I'm hot tour tickets are available at just Leslie.com. It's always a fun time when she stops by thrilled. She's here Leslie Jones welcome Leslie last time you're on the pod you said my name is Leslie Jones and I couldn't give a shit if I was Conan's friend Oh, it's heading in the direction and so I think we're going in the right. You know what we're getting better We're getting better now. You're just conflicted. I'm conflicted because I don't know if I want to leprechaun as a friend You brought really easy. I burn so easily my like the sun literally Stays over my house so I can never invite you over Yeah, I can't go to visit anyone if the sun is in the sky over their house I can only go to places where the sun doesn't exist. It's so funny. Yeah, it's just like it's funny Is it funny to you like like bacon is hysterical? Laughing at me. God, you're like it never can go outside So now back me up on this if I'm outside for you've been with me when I've been outside in the sun for like maybe 15 minutes Even now It's immediate what happens I drove to work today in a car with no sunroof and I look like this This is bad the sun be fucking the shit out of you I am sexually I am sexually assaulted by the sun every day There's some white people I see and I'd be like the sun need to take you in the back and strap you to him and just fuck you to you can't see When you you need to start filing Reports to the police. Yeah, I need to yeah, I need a restraining order on the sun We need a restraining we need to keep the sun at least 500 yards away from it Umbrella Jesus. No, I can't be the guy Jackson had a fucking umbrella motherfucker Jesus. Oh my god He did have the umbrella. That's right He did he had an umbrella. He had a guy that held an umbrella over him Yeah, so you got I mean the umbrella is a way to go Girlie would you hold an umbrella over my head? One of those multicolored umbrella hats That would make my life. Hey, what if I just want to see you walking down the street with a black umbrella? I'd be like that. Yeah, yeah, so I can take a picture and send it to the inquirer Okay, I'm gonna put that right on the cabinet. Conor Ryan shields himself from Sun. Yeah, Conan Running from the Sun after sexual assault last week. We've a topple suit of Kim Kardashian or Conan using Sun protection Kim Kardashian. No one cares about her boobs You're a quick question right up top right up top wait me hold on one more joke It's not like a raisin in the sun. It's like a cranberry I'm gonna do my own revival cranberry in the sun written directed and funded by Conan the Brian It's gotta be directed by me. Will you direct it? I was so direct that I think you and I have a great chemistry I think that we should get married I'll do that. How long do you think we would glass? Let's say okay. Oh We would last a long time. You think so? Yes, because you first of all I wouldn't have sex with you. I Wait, what? No, yeah, you're the sun's bitch. You're the sun's bitch. Exactly. You belong to the sun. I don't want leftovers Wait a minute, so you'll marry me But I don't have any marital pleasures. I mean you can watch Oh I'm a red face cranberry in the corner of the room while you and some other person are going at it I mean I'm gonna stop and go and look at the cranberry in the sun Quit it Wait, wait, I will come on Terrible this is a terrible turn of events. This is not like the funnest part of my life when I get to fucking rear white people Yeah, it's not just white people probably the whitest guy you've ever met Ever right in the history of white people. Yeah, are you Irish? What are you? I am 100% Irish? Oh, yeah, Irish man like black woman. Is that true? Yes. What's that about? I don't know I had I had an Irish man. You're a beautiful full accent. God chicken to an old talent. I put my fists in your decks Wait a minute. I was so insulted, but I was like Wait a minute put my fist put my face my fist in your teeth I know I don't say Irish just want a box. It doesn't matter what's going on Hi, I got those titties. I got him real good. That's what he sounded like And I was I almost I almost fucked the lucky charms guy. I almost did But I was just like it might get violent afterwards. Yeah, yeah Titt fist. Oh my god. Yeah. Titt fist. Titt fist. No, he said put his face in my tits. Oh, I thought you meant I heard it. I heard fist. Oh, that's I mean that would have turned me on too, but you know Um, okay. Well, maybe that would have been fun. I don't know. Yeah He's too short What's your ideal man? Let's describe him. Oh god. Here we go with Fish Bull shit. This is just it. He doesn't exist No, my I you like them tall like guys. Well, I described it once and somebody was like oh, that's Jesus You're loving Jesus. I wanted to I wanted to be a carpenter I like a guy that works with his hands. No, I just got to have a lot of friends At least 12 No, 11 cuz Judas is a bitch But he's fun at a party He's talking shit about everyone You talking Jesus and he's talking shit about Jesus. Hey, I'm right here. And he's imitating Jesus. It's really really Oh, I'll turn water. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, I walk on water Uh Fish and bread to everyone Um, I don't like you know, I used to have so many Ideas of what my ideal man is yeah, and you know, I've noticed this is a crazy thing. Do y'all know Dylan O'Brien. Yeah, okay, so damn my assistant has my phone for the longest okay He was in this movie with Michael Keaton. There was a spy movie. Yep. Oh my god I'm so fine because yeah, all the hair on his face is here and I carried his picture on my phone and told everybody like he's my husband Like I had screen shoted a picture from the movie and put it and had it as my On my phone for the longest time, right? And I was like, you know, right? You know him tell him that I love him I love him then we end up at a next game together and it's so funny because I had gotten over him. Yeah, you know These things last about an hour with you. No, they I mean he was my pretend husband for like three years Oh, yeah, I loved him and Then we was at the next game first of all he's shorter than me and I was like fuck Never meet your your heroes never meet him and he was like a dude like he was like Wasn't working so when he started to I started telling him he was like yeah, I know about you Everybody tells me that you have a picture of me and then I pulled the picture up and I was like you need to tell me That this guy doesn't exist And he was like yeah, that guy this guy exists. He was like I think that so don't stay anything else. I love this man But my ideal man looks like a terrorist. He's just Beard Fluck Harry. That's me just like yeah, and Lanky. I love Lanky man. Okay tall just I would love him to be just a little bit But if he's my same height, that's fine But if he's a little bit taller than me, that would be great. So I'm tall enough. I'm just everything else is not working. Mm-hmm Okay, where's your fucking beard? I don't even want to see a fucking beard on you do Well, I had one for a while. It was very rare. We can work the beard. I can work the beard. Yeah, I need to see that if you have a picture Can you pull that up because I need to see? Yeah, if I see it And I like it. Are you still married? Yeah, I'm so married, but that could change it any moment. Could change it any moment. It all depends on what you say. I'm just saying, if we have an affair, it's over with y'all, because you're not going to. Oh, there I am. Oh, no. Look at the, what is the hair? What the fuck is the bumper door shit? Well, you look like a. That's what I've been doing since. You look like a kid I've had that hair. No, that's. I'm sorry, I know that hair. How about that? That's good. I like it. Yeah, that looks good. That is hot. Yeah, yeah. No, Conan's the one on the right. Okay, very good. Never mind it. I thought it was the picture of me with a trim. I thought it was the other guy. For those of you, I thought it was the other guy. No, you do look good there. You do look good there, I like that. And your beard could kind of connect. Yeah, I think that I will. I'm going to grow the beard back. I don't think you can. Because of my falling testosterone levels. No, because of the sun fucking the shit out of you. You need it already. Fuck the follicles out of you. So the sun fucked me so hard that all my follicles fell out on my face. Is that what we're saying here? Do you know this is the first time where I feel like I might come to your defense? Because you're the same. When you're going to fight the sun? Oh, you done to me. You better sit down. You were so happy that this is all about me. I would get you two motherfuckers. You know what I'm saying? Listen, I can get the whole table. No, I'm with you, I'm with you. You are a white male, but you know what? Compared to me, you look like Desi Ernest. You're like, you look shubin compared to me. You know, he, yeah. He's, that's how. He's his beard is hot. Oh. His glasses is hot. Whatever. I'm trying to figure out if he's gay or not. Oh. Well, me too. Yeah, no. His wife calls us every day and says, "What do you think?" This is the guy. He's not gay. Okay. I mean, what do you think? We reevaluate every afternoon. See, I would like to see a younger picture of you too. I bet you was really cute when you were young. Oh, sounds like. 'Cause you're hot, you're a hot old man. There you go. That's a very nice thing. Okay, now, Nizona. Nah, she's on my team. Yeah, I'm with her. I'm with you, Leslie. So you're with Leslie on everything. On everything. Oh, no. Oh, no. Why did you shoot up that high spot? Why was it? Oh, yeah. It's what I was like. Young girls. Is that all of them? Why are your glasses so big? You can see this. 'Cause it was 1989. Because it was known. It was known. What the fuck? Your whole face looks bigger than it is now. I had a face reduction. I'm sorry, Charlie, you're fired. Your fire just based on me seeing that photo. I resigned. I actually like the one where he's holding a drink up. Do you still have those glasses? Uh, no. You just have to give them back to the car windshield store. Exactly. Oh my God. I did. You took them for the war effort. You know what? I feel like you got your first set of money from getting them lottery tickets. Oh, the lottery numbers. I'm pretty sure you could put them on. This is the best episode ever. We're only like 10 minutes in. And this is the best episode ever. You couldn't put them glasses on the table when the sun is out. No, there's no table making up the mobile. It's fucking complicated. This is why I chose the podcast. God, safe from the sun. I'm in the dark. This is my favorite episode. This is your, like, you're safe here. This is a safe place for you. This is like a vampire's coffin. I'm okay here. It really is. It really is. [MUSIC] Is this true? At one point growing up, you wanted to be a detective. Not a detective. I wanted to be a serial killer finder. Oh, someone who hunts down. Okay, no, hunts down. My title is serial killer finder. So when I show up on the scene. Well, there's no improving on that name. Hey, I'm serial killer finder. Give me the clues. Yeah. Criminal justice was my minor. Yep. And I loved all the classes. And I was like, oh, because you know, everybody in my family's and police or my aunt's. This is it, I'm going to be part of it. I'm going to, and it was interesting. And I always solved all of the, all of the, you know, SVU cases I saw them on. And I was like, yeah, I can do this. Then we had to learn how to shoot a gun. And I didn't, I didn't like it. So I told him, it's okay. I can still do this. I don't have to have a gun. Colombo never carries a gun. Right. And they were like, you're an idiot. Yeah. And Colombo does have a gun. [LAUGHTER] Actually, I don't think Colombo has a gun. No, he has a raincoat. Does he have a gun? He had a little, like, the little, what's that little black gun with that's a revolver? No, 38 spills. A little 38. Yeah, a little 38 that he will pull out. I never saw it. I think, I think so. And they was like, he was a policeman. He had a gun. You're idiot. So, okay. So then that's when everybody knew that I probably should go to be the comedian. It's the only next step. Yeah, I don't think I can be a law enforcement. I have to be a comedian. But I love crime. I love solving it. Yeah. I love solving it. And I think I would be a really-- Like, I talked to, well, her name is Mariska. But I call her Olivia. And she's always going to be a Olivia to me. And I'd be like Olivia. And she'd be like Mariska. I'm not going to call you that. Yeah. Okay, what do you want? I want to be on the show. Oh, Mariska Hargote. Yeah. You want to be on the show. But I don't want to be a policeman. I want to be a criminal. Because I know how to think like a criminal. And I want to be-- You should do that. Yeah, but I want to be like a really shitty person. Like, I laugh when they be like, you know, two women died. Because-- Did they? They didn't do what I told them to do. That's incredible. No, but what-- That was a psycho. This is just a yes. I would say this would be a yes. Okay. Yeah. Let's make that happen. Why not? I don't think people think of me for stuff like that. Because they go, oh, she's a comedian. She does comedy. But I am totally into being dramatic. But I've always wanted to play a serial killer. What does a serial killer have? The so-and-so killer. What would be your method, you know? You want to know? Oh my god. Seriously, I wrote a whole thing about it. Okay, yeah. Okay, so like I'm so traumatized about men. But I think I always have had this hero type thing where I've always wanted to be a hero and say people and stuff. So the twisted mind of me, you know, I'm pretty sure. Okay, the way that I wrote the story, I go to jail, and anyway, anyway, the way that I would do it is, I would find like men who are mistreating their women. And then I would kidnap them. And then, you know, 'cause no one gives a fuck about them. Right. That's why they're being such pieces of shit. And I would kidnap them and I would keep them in this room that's soundproof. And I would just torture them until they beg me to kill them. So then when they say just kill me, I'd be like, he's asking, it's mercy kill. So I have to help him. And you're the mercy killer. And I fucking kill that motherfucker. Yeah. But I beat his ass like he beats his women. I beat his ass like I make him pee on his all his shit until he gets to the point where he's like, I'm sorry. Just kill me. And then I'd be like, I've been waiting for you to say that. Yeah. Yeah. What was that? Did you whip him with a cat? What was that? That was-- Brown. Is it a sword? That was the knife. And then it was the sound effect of the music that plays-- Oh, OK. Oh, OK. I thought you were in front of me. It came down to what you grabbed a cat by the tail. No. The cat ain't got shit to do with him. Cats creeping around. I don't know. So-- He's my partner. The-- [LAUGHS] He's got one chore to do, which is be handy when it's time to kill the guy. He lets me know when the police is coming. So OK, you've just pitched this right now. Now, I am willing to direct this. Really? Yeah, I'd be willing to direct it and also help write it. You know, I was a writer back in the day and maybe participate in the profits a little bit. But I would be happy to throw myself-- You know what I want you to be? What? The sheriff. OK. And I don't just-- I don't approve of your methods. No, you're trying to catch me. I'm trying to catch you, yeah. Yeah, but you date. OK. And I'm like, oh, I want to-- I want to get my fists in those titties. [LAUGHS] I'm the Irish sheriff. You have to have the Irish exit. Yeah. There's no way I'll do this movie without you doing this. So what's up? What's happened to that fella who was abusing the lady? Where he's been gone missing? Yeah, so you're doing the case. And that's how I'm involving myself in the case. I start dating you. Yeah. And you're like, you know, all these missing people and stuff? Oh, wow. Do they have any clues? And then what do you say? I say, oh, no. They've got a couple of clues. But not much. Not much that leads anybody in particular. No, I don't think so. And by the way, it's OK if we move into the shade. It's a little hard right now, or really? Yes. Yes. Why my little cranberry? Thank you. And by the way, Sarah, I took a swing at your TT's last night. It's OK. It's such an erotic thrill for an Irishman. Put on his his left little boxing gloves and go after the boobies, but check this out. So then you catch me. Right. I catch you. No, you catch me. Well, you kind of accidentally catch me. Right. Right. I walk in. No, you don't walk in. You leave the house. Right. And then you hear something and you go around and you catch me dragging. You don't catch me. You see it. You see it happen. I'm watching it. I'm watching it. And I see you dragging the guy's body. Right. And then you try to confront me and then I take your ass. OK. But I don't torture you. I make you watch me torture. And then I explain to you like what I'm doing. So I confront you and I go. But I just saw you. That's terrible. What you did. It's terrible. Oh, it's a pity. It's a shame. I loved your soul. And we've got a fantastic sex life. Oh, Jesus, but now I've gotta be taking you in. So how do you overpower him? Do you take his gun? He's going to take you in. I've got to take you in, it's me job. I've got to take it out. It's real hard to overpower you. I've got to put you in the arms. In the arms of Paddy Wagon. What's the opposite of an Emmy nominee? I put an infrared light on you. That blind you. Ah, me papers. They're so sensitive to life. I can't see. And then you drag me and then I figure out that you know. Yep. So, you know, you kicking it with me one night and I drug you and then. Oh, I'm feeling sleepy. Oh, I'm in the arms of Morpheus. Oh, here I go. Green hearts, yellow clovers. So yellow moose. That's how he's, when I snore, the little, the little colored marshmallows come out my mouth. Ah, green hearts, yellow clovers. Ah, you two and bottom of the edge. I just job. So anyway, and then that's, I love this. This is a show. I make you watch and I explain to you really logically what my, and you're like, you're fucking psychopath. Yeah, but maybe I'm turned on by it. No, you're trying to talk me off the, you're like, that's just, I'm not Leslie, but whoever the character's name is, you're not talking reasonably, you're losing your mind. You know, 'cause something happened to me when I was younger, you know, like I wouldn't, my, what the story that I wrote is that my father was very abusive and my mother ended up committing suicide because of abuse. Oh, my God, okay. And then I was trying to protect my sister one day because he went after her and we're fighting and she falls down the stairs. And I think that he kills her. So I kill him. They put me in an institution. And then the girl that fell off the stairs, she didn't die. She just got paralyzed. She ends up turning the big house into like a nursery, like a, a, a greenery nursery. And then, you know, she's visiting me and jail and stuff. And then I get out of jail. She tells me, you know, I can't go downstairs because of my wheelchair. You can have the whole basement. And then I go to her, but she tells me to get out one night and I go to a bar and I see this guy beating on this girl. And I just meet him in a bathroom. What's the name of the show? It's not a show. It's a movie. A movie. What's the name of it? Sisters. Oh, okay. Leslie, you, wait a minute. Les, you led me down the Primrose path. We need to workshop that, I think. Sister sister, are you TN Tamara? Is there a character named Roger? That's Jack A comes in and every. So Jack A's in this. Well, now we got to go get Jack A. This is going to cost money. We're going to come see. Okay. Oh my God. I love laughing like that. We're going to our lives. Oh my God. We can workshop that title. I don't know. I don't know what to do with you. Leslie. I just love me. Just love me. Conan, what, what would you say if you said I Conan O'Brien and then that blank thing with friends with Leslie Jones? Oh, yeah. I feel like I won the lottery. That's what I would say. You're so freaking funny. Thank you. We always have a blast. We always have a good time. I get it. You want to kick the shit out of me. Most people do, but it's great chemistry. I don't want to get this shit out of you. I just want to put you verbally. Yeah. And I feel bad about that. That's no cave. Oh, every time for the longest, I was like Conan hates me. Because every time you see me, I give him such shit. And he just be standing there like, what the fuck are you doing? No, I don't say that's not true. I always love it. I always love it. I'm like, yeah, but she's like, she's so mean. Why would I have you here? I don't know. But that's it across from you. I even got my publicist to call him. I was like, please call it. Do you know, Conan? Can you please text in my car? That I don't because you were hosting the Oscars. Yeah. Which I thought you did so good. I actually thought you really did. Okay. And I was like, can you tell him that I don't hate him? But I always, I mean, I never took it that way. I know. Most of the way that I enjoy people is them telling me I'm a ridiculous cartoon character that somehow came to life. I enjoy that. But you're funny too, though. Oh, I know. I want you to go tell Messi. He's a pretty good soccer player. I mean, I'm sorry. Who's Messi? Lionel Messi, the Argentinian. Why do you say because I take it as comparison? No, no, no, not at all. Not at all. I am the world cup winner of the chuckle getters. The chuckle getters. Yeah, that's the crowd tradition. I'm in the chuckle getters. I'm not a comedian. What's happening right now? Are you having a stroke? Is this what happens? I'll just entertain this bullshit. You are fucking delusional, buddy. Not at all. Thank you. Not at all. Oh, God. Oh, my God. That's all I'm just true. I'm a fool. I'm a fool. I'm a I'm I'm I'm just made of 100. You create laughter. I'm I'm made of 100% foolishness. You really? What's about Keenan Thompson for a second? Oh, my face. Because you I love Keenan. And he's been on that show. I think since 1935. I think he joined when FDR was in his first term. And he's still there. But I've always thought, what is it about this guy? He's really funny, but he also feels like he's the glue. And then I was reading. You said somewhere. You think of Keenan leaves. The whole thing is going to go apart. Because he's like, and I thought, yeah, I think you're right. Well, I mean, you know, SNL is an institution. They will always go on. I just don't think it would be the same. I think without Keenan. But we thought that about Seth Myers too. And we thought that about Jimmy Fallon. We thought that about a lot of people that came. But Keenan is just like, first of all, let me just say Keenan. When my brother passed away. Me and my brother didn't have the best relationship. But when I met Keenan, Keenan literally automatically became my brother. Like he became the nicest version of what my brother was. Like my brother could be what Keenan was if that made any sense. And he is just truly himself. And very, what do you call it when someone comes around and just automatically gets respect? I don't know. Like he's just very respectful. Yeah. So when people, when he comes around, it's like, you know, you know, he's just, you know, the way I think of it with him is it's like he's grounding somehow. Like he's, he's very, he's very comfortable being himself. You know, it's a waste of time to say he's funny because that's a given. He's really funny, but he's always, he's like a quiet grounding presence. Oh my God. You would not believe how many times Keenan has had to ground me. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, he would be laughing at me because I would be so frustrated. I can't understand. And Keenan would just be like, man, or why you let that bother you? Yeah. They don't got nothing to do with you. Just come to work, come to work. Do your work leave work? Yeah. And he just knows how to put everything in a place. And that's nothing to, and this isn't a diss on SNL, but it isn't always the healthiest place. It's not. It really isn't. You have to be a samurai mentally. Yeah. And it doesn't number. And I've seen very, I don't, Keenan's one of the few people I've seen. Be at that show for a long time. Always have a positive impact. Always be a star player, but you get the sense that it's not taking something away from him. It's not, and that's the thing he knows how to put it in its place. He never let it get out of the place that it was. And he would just, he would like you're so frustrated for nothing. This is a job. Leave this job. Come back to this job. He was like anything. Leave that shit here. He was like, these people are going to do what they want to do, just be you, be you, care about you. And I didn't get it until I got ready to leave, you know, but yeah, he's incredible, incredible human. Yeah. Incredible father. He loves his kids. Great father. Great man. It's funny, because you're in that same category for me, if someone who always knows, you always know exactly who you are. Well, that's a lot though, Conan. I mean, thank God they got me at 47. Yeah. I'm so glad they didn't get me in my 20s and my 30s. Isn't that true? It's so funny, because I can't think of you as being other than how I've known you. Right. And, uh, and you. Oh, I would have fucked you. I would have fucked you. And in my 20s and 30s, I would, I would have fucked you. I would have cared if you had a girlfriend, whatever. I'd have been like, let's go hook up. So, where were you then? How come we didn't? Where were you living? What year was they doing on that time machine technology? Because you definitely would have got some pussy from Leslie. No. You're short circuiting. No. Why is it so clear? It feels like he's disappearing. Like he's fading back into. Just thinking about that time machine technology. Yeah, I was. That's the meanest thing someone can. I was wrong. I would have fucked you back then. Wait, when? Where were you? You're a man. You're a man. You're a man. You're married, your wife would hate me. - Oh, she might say take him. (laughing) She might be like, can you, can you take him? - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I was wild, I was wild. - Okay. - I was wild. I was still doing comedy and stuff. - Were you happy? - Oh, yeah. - That's a good description. - Yeah, you know, like a storage system, yeah. - I was living my life and I was learning how to be a person, how to even think of myself as a human. - Right. - And people don't understand it. That's a real thing when you're in your 20s and stuff. You don't even see yourself as a grownup because you coming out of living with your parents or whatever. So you gotta start learning how to be who you are and your body and what you like, what you like to eat, what you'd like to do for fun. And I had fun, I had fun, I had my crushes, I had my horror phase, I had it all. - I tried it, I tried it. - I just like that real happy thinking about it. - No, because it's like, when I am on my deathbed, I'm gonna be able to go, I'm so glad I fucked that dude. - Yeah. (laughing) - And then you wake up 10 minutes later. - Yeah, and then I'll be like, oh, fuck. - Yeah, yeah. - That's your fuck, Conan. - God damn it. - God damn it. - I'll be your cranberry. (laughing) - I don't wanna go away. - I'm the one that got away. - Okay, so it's funny, no, no, no, no, no, you, and I'm bringing out of people. (laughing) But, we really do. - I really do, you put it back, you really do. - You really do. - You really do. - I go into people and eradicate it. - That's so funny. But like I said, I had to learn that shit. And man, I'm so glad that I took the journey I took because it made me not only a better person, it makes me a better comic. You know, and I tell everybody this all the time, please just go through the fire, don't avoid the fire, don't put the fire out, just go through it. You become such a warrior, it just live your life. Go through that bad shit, don't avoid it. Be, be, like, be your own best friend. Not a fucking asshole. Like if you knew an asshole, you would tell them they were an asshole. If you're being an asshole, tell yourself you're being an asshole. It's okay, you go to sleep with yourself, you wake up with yourself, you eat with yourself, you better start fucking liking yourself. And once you do that, I swear you become this person that emulates joy instead of pain. You really want to go out and like every since I've done what I've done to get to where I am, every time I see people, if they're down, I'm like, I'm always like, come on, come through this, come on. You're so, this is a problem too. If everyone would stop thinking that they're a normal person, that they're just like the run of the meal, that could stop so many problems. You're not, you're a specific piece of art that was made by God. No one's like you, no one's like you. No one's like no one in this room. You are the only person that's you. And it's a damn shame that you have put yourself in a closet instead of making the gallery to show that art that God has made. And you down here trying to be somebody else. Like, that's not your mission. Your mission is to be you. 'Cause whatever it's in you that's been put in you is supposed to help the equation of this community. And that's what we forgot, community. Everybody is here for each other. Your magic makes my magic. My magic makes your magic. Everybody has magic and we're supposed to do it together. And it's a damn shame we're not doing that because it's so much self-hate. And I'm gonna tell everybody right now, the way to be what's going on right now, all this hate is very proven. The only way it's gonna be beaten is by love. Love can only be hate, hate can only kill itself. Love multiplies. I'm telling you right now, you're gonna have to go into yourself. Just go into yourself, find that negative and positive button and just click it on 'cause only you can do it. And it's not the easiest thing 'cause once you click it on, you're gonna be tested. But go through the test, go through it. Be who you are, that's okay. You're special. Well, I bet, do we have it applause, but now I'm just saying. No, but what I'm saying, hold on, hold on. That was beautiful and perfect. One of the things that really resonates with me that I want younger people to know is exactly what you said. I believe everything that you're talking about, I wouldn't have understood it in my 20s. I don't think I would have understood it in my 30s. When I look at my life, we are a culture that really puts youth on a pedestal, which is fine, but at my age, I'm happier now than I used to be because I've just been through a lot of shit and I really have that perspective now. And when things are happening now, I tend to look around and go, "Huh, well, this is interesting." - And it's having a joy during the chaos. You gotta keep a constant joy and you gotta seek joy. You can't wait for it to come to you. You gotta seek it and want it and hold it. And it makes you, like you said, the chaos can be going on and you'll be like, "It's crazy." It was crazy, I didn't got into the point of my life where when things happen, I'd be like, all right. So what do we do? We can do this, but I'm not at the point where, "Oh my God, my life, I auditioned for a last-com extended and they didn't pick me. Cone it for three days, I was in my bed crying. Could not understand, I can't get past that. And now I look back at that and go, "God, damage you wasted three days of sunshine and wonderfulness over that." But you know, that's right. - But at that age, at that age. - At that age. - I used to, and I've talked to many people about this and I've mentioned it a lot, but I used to, I've given speeches about this, but I used to hit these obstacles and I'd be told no, and I would think, that's it, it's over. And I look at that guy now and I think you were 27. (laughing) What are you talking about? - You know, he had just developed at 25, so you're actually just two years old. - Yeah, honestly. - But you know, there are times when I'm here in LA and I'm young person's talking to me and they'll say, "Yeah, I'm 26." And they say, "They say it like I missed my shot." And I'm like, "Well, yeah, maybe if you want to be "in the Olympics, so you haven't started that sport yet, "maybe that's a tall hill to climb." But no, you're just getting started. (upbeat music) - It's not over until you're dead. That's what I tell people. And you look at these young people and you wanna just go, but they have to learn. They have to learn that way. But what I was something that the hope right now, we had a lot more hope, I think, in our generation. The hope now is just because everything is just so played out. All the rules are being broken. I wanted to call it balances and checks and balances. It's just fucking. - Well, also just civility. - It's just so awful now. And I don't know if we went through a stage of children started raising children. And you know, I just. - I think the internet is a piece of this. - Shit, I really do think. - I really do think the internet. - It's very much. - It's not all of it, but we were suddenly handed this, I mean, an entire history of humans that's been hundreds and hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of thousands of years. And then literally three seconds ago, we were handed this thing that tells us what everyone's thinking all the time. - And that we should pay attention to it and like it so we can make sure that they feel validated. It's dopamine, it's the worst drug that's ever been put out online. And again. - It's available to everybody. - Yeah, and again, it pushes you gotta be famous to be anyone and that's not true. That's not true. I think the most two most important people in the world are the garbage men and teachers. That's what I think. I've always thought that who's gonna take care of the garbage. But the garbage men, they are fucking very important. Let them not be show up to work. We fucked teachers. Everybody in here had to have a teacher at some point in their life. Even if you didn't go to school, at some point you had a teacher. Presidents have teachers. How are they not the highest pay? What are we striving for in this country? But to be, try to be better than what we always was. That's what the generations are, right? We want the generation to be better. - We want to advance. - We advance. But we're advancing in, like Jay Cole said, congratulations, you came a long way, but I'm so sorry, you went the wrong way. It's like, we've oversatured. We don't have no balance. We're either all the way over here, or we're all the way over here. And until we learn that balance is what life is, we're gonna be some miserable motherfuckers. People always go, oh well, you know, why does this happen to me? And why does it, it rains on the just as it does the unjust. You do not miss the rain just because you're special. You gotta go through sadness to know what happiness is. You don't know what success is until you're not successful. You just, you won't know the fucking difference. Like, you gotta have some reference and stop thinking of mistakes as mistakes, thinking of, think of them as levels. You, stop playing a video game with your life. Ooh, I beat that level. 'Cause I promise you're not gonna get off that level until you beat that level. And it's like, it's like appreciation, it's the way, like you said, the internet has been. Listen. and you should be happy you have a rag-glass car. You should be happy you have a one bit of studio. You could go to the bathroom in the middle of the night. You're blessed. You can get up and get a glass of water out of your kitchen. Doesn't matter if your kitchen is right there, but you could do it. You can warm up your food. You got a car? You got a car. If you don't appreciate what you got right now, what makes you think that you should be blessed with more? That's just like a parent. If you had a kid and you gave a kid a toy and they threw the toy to the side and said, I want another toy, you're going to be like, excuse me, go play with the toy. I just gave you, why would I give you something else? When you just told me that that toy was shit, I'm telling everybody. It's all the obvious things that you're thinking is what is supposed to happen. We have lost our way. We've lost our way as just trying to evolve. The change is, we're so scared. Everything is happening right now because someone decided back in the day that we wasn't going to change. These was going to be the rules, this is how. And Trump is a piece of shit, but Trump did come in here and show us that I shit ain't as tight as we thought. He literally is going, he's telling everybody they're not going to do anything. They're just going to bitch. That's all they're going to do. And the Democrats are showing up to a gun fight with a piece of cake. And the old Democrats should know to just go away. Just sit down and let the more progressive and aggressive Democrats step up and fight this fight the way that they're fighting it. Gavin Newsom, to me, was great the way he was responding. Everybody should respond like that. We're scared of someone, and I don't know why we're scared of them. We are looking at the most obvious problem and it's showing that us as a community have been beaten to submission. And forgotten that we are the people. We're the people, we're the people. Are we going to watch this crumble down? Or are we going to do something? And as comedians, we're part of that too. When I go out, I try to make people laugh like a motherfucker because you need an hour of relief, child. That's what our job is. Our job is to take you away from your problems for a little while and maybe laugh at them too. Because you leave, they're going, you know what, that shit ain't so bad. You know, that person that was on stage just told me that she's going through what I'm going through to. Like community, get out, touch some grass, get the fuck on your fucking TV. I'm not touching grass. Like no, but yeah, I'm not gonna touch some fucking grass. You shouldn't touch grass. You shouldn't. You know what, I was with you the whole way. Not touching grass. You would literally turn into a welt. Yeah. Let me mention this because it's important. You know what, this is our preaching? That was good. That was fantastic. That was healing. It's not. At word, though, I think you've changed it word. That was impressive. I'm very inspired. You know, people want me to be president, but I'm too hard just like Ted Danson to ask me. He's like, yeah, but I'm going to implement. I'm going to implement implement implement implement. See, I can't even say implement. I'm worse than Trump. But I am going to implement volcanoes. Do you want volcanoes? Oh, we should definitely start throwing people into a volcano. Oh, that's what you meant. Oh, I'm not going to activate that. I'm not going to activate that. Well, we sacrifice them. Don't ask it. No, don't ask in the volcano. Fuck this death sentence shit. Don't ask in the volcano. So throw a couple of these motherfuckers out of the volcano. See if people start showing what we got them for. Well, we didn't have volcanoes for. Yeah, we got those volcanoes. What are they for? Seriously, what are they for? Well, I think they're there because pressure within the earth, gases, needs to be expelled because of the magma, the liquid core, of course, plate tectonics, probably, okay, it's a part of it. Sure, sure. So for all those reasons, I don't think that we have to throw people into volcano. I think that we do. I think that we do. I think that we do. That's the debate of our times. I think that we do. I think that we do. I think that we, it's so much cheaper than the death sentence. And true, they are existing already. And I'm just saying we get one helicopter, get one of them little things and strap them to that and then fly out of food. Oh, you drop them like bombs. Just food, yeah, like food and televised that shit. And let me tell you something. Let me tell you something. Since we are throwing them in a volcano, it's gonna bless us. Okay, I think you said a lot of really beautiful, inspiring things. And put you ended on your strongest point, yeah, which is we need to start throwing people into volcano. In return of civility. Yeah. No, we got to throw a thing. No, I love that. No, no, no. If you look at a timeline of your, it's like kindness, civility, or in this together, volcano. (laughing) Hey, I'm in dimension this. You have a new HGTV show called Roast My Rental, where you, and this is really appealing to one of your strengths, which is you can tear someone apart. I know from firsthand experience, you go into these properties, right? And you look at these properties that are not always the best. Was that fair thing? Exactly what I said. It's stinking here. It's stinking. Why do you have, there was a dude that had a picture of himself at the end of the bed. Nobody would have seen you. You've been to my house. What the, why do you have a picture? That's not a picture. That's a poster. No, but I'm saying it's in the vacation, Rental. I don't want to wake up to the motherfucker I ran. He had a picture of his family. And I lost my shit. I had to apologize to him because he was like, "Oh, that's my family." I said, "Man, I don't want to give a fuck about your family." Oh, my God. That's so great. So this is you, this is you going through, this is you going through and laying waste, telling them exactly what they have to do to improve their rental property. And then I bring in my designer, Jasmine Roth, and she renovates it. She makes it nice. Yes. And then we have, we have done some crazy properties. You would not believe the delusion that people have. I would, I think. You know, we did a spaceship. We did a spaceship in Joshua Tree. So someone had a place that was-- A spaceship. A spaceship. Let me see if I'm getting this right. In the desert. A spaceship in the desert. In the desert, homey. When snakes and spiders is homey, like, and for real, when we were driving in there, I ain't seen no people. So I was like, oh, vampires. Immediately, immediately vampires. And then he drove up. So I'm fussing. I'm like, this is crazy. Only white people do this. Oh, yes, we do. Baseless. And Matt and I are like high-fiving each other under the table. Oh, only white people do that. And then a black guy drives up. He gets off the truck. I said, brother, what the-- how are you going to buy a spaceship? And then the white girl goes out and I was like, oh. And everybody fell out. Everybody fell out. It was so funny. Well, this sounds great. But that wasn't even the worst property we did, so. All right. You've done 11? It's an 11. It's a 12-episode season. It says you're 11. I don't know what's going on. Maybe you got-- Maybe just try and tell me something. [LAUGHTER] Shit. But this sounds great. This sounds really great. It's so awesome. I had a horribly embarrassing-- this made me think of a horribly embarrassing moment the other day, but we met some people. And we're chatting with them. And they were talking about, oh, yeah. We'd love to see your house. And I said, well, it's, come on in, because I'm always that way. I always invite people in. So I invited these people in who I don't really know that well. And I was showing around the house and what I forgot is that my wife, for my birthday, when I was doing the Oscars, someone took a really good black and white photograph of me holding the Oscar. And my wife just for fun got me a copy of that picture. And she put like a cheap frame around it, like it's sort of a joke. And she leaned it again. And she had given it to me. And I went, oh, that's so nice. And I just leaned it against the wall. It was just a quick nothing. And these people walk through. And there's this picture of me. And I'm like, they just think I'm the biggest asshole in the world. My wife was laughing. But they just thought I was insane. And I just thought of that when you said, who has a picture of themselves? Oh, I know. And I saw pictures of myself. I got so many pictures of myself. If I go through your house, you're going to have pictures of you. Oh, but you know what? And I wasn't a picture person. When I got to SNL, I just became a picture person. I was so good at it too. I got so many selfies and pictures with people. And so when you come in, I have a billion pictures. I love pictures. I love her. You always say yes to pictures, right? Yes. OK, I do too. Do you realize that we've each taken pictures with murderers and maybe mass murderers? Because I think of the, I always say yes to selfies. I never really know who the person is. No, no, I don't know who they are. I don't know who they are. I'm just saying you know that you have a selfie with a murderer. Do you mean just statistically? Statistically. Statistically. Like it's likely. Statistically, you've someone said, oh, I love you. And you put your arm around it. How will we find out? I don't think we do. Well, sometimes if you show me the picture, I can tell you, that's a murderer. Oh, my God. I'm telling you, statistically, you have. You've taken a picture with a murderer. Because I've been to some, I've been in Texas. Oh, yeah. Well, it's a law there. You have to murder. Well, this show sounds fantastic. You are an abs of fucking loot delight. You just really are. Oh, thank you so much. Yeah. I'm the one. I'm definitely jealous. No, no, but you know that stupid thing is, I think I don't think we got anything because we were laughing most of the time. Yeah. you said some really beautiful perfection. Now we got into volcanoes, but that might be my favorite part. I think that that y'all should go home. My favorite was that you said why do we have these volcanoes? If not just throw people into them. That's what I'm saying. Listen, they didn't tell these things. What I'm saying, they didn't do it. All the other stuff is supposed to do. It's like hot lava waiting to be used. You're right. You're right. It is saying making buildings out of it. They're not making nothing else out of it. Why we got hot lava down here. And we ain't going so. I am joining this campaign. We have these volcanoes. They should be put to use. We should start. Do you know how awesome? Do you know how great that everyone will start acting? You're right. People would go to therapy. Everybody would be like, I do not want to die on a volcano. I know that I'd be thrown in very quickly. But maybe that's for the good of the earth. Maybe. Conan, you wouldn't make it to the top, dude. Just to heat a muscle faith in you. I know. You get what? You would just get a great. Yeah. Get within like that volcano's 25 miles away. We're almost there. You look back. You just smell. I smell ham cooking. You look down. There's just a skeleton with a red pompador. No. It's more like corn beast. Yeah. Corn beast. All right. Yeah. Yeah. Leslie Jones. Go to God. Going peace. Please come back soon. And you have to do the lapricon. You have to do the lapricon. Fun of me. Anytime you like. Have a poke at the lapricon. Make fun of him. It's for the good of all. I can imagine that. I would make you do that voice if he had sex. Yeah. I would say. All right. I'm coming in here. I'm coming. I would. I would want her to be like, how do you want it? Maybe. How would you like it? Wow. I'm here to come. I'm on my way. OK, sorry. Having a little trouble. Give me a second. I'm going to be dying. - Brayless me, Brayless me, Brubel. (laughing) - What's the opposite of pornography? (laughing) - Where's me, Brubel? - Oh, I'm getting distracted. - Burn it away from the computer. No, I'm coming back. - Pure birth control. - Oh, it's birth control. - Wow. - Oh my God, this is the leaky race just dropped around. - It was a central podcast of all time. - I will record it and then sell it to TMZ. - Oh yeah, yeah. That would be the best thing ever. I'm like, "Well, we're good, we're okay." (laughing) - Leslie, thank you so much. - Thank you. - This is so fun. - I love you, come, just make fun of me anytime. And when you see me, just kick the shit out of me please. - No, I can't, now I have to be nice to you. Whenever I see you now, I'm gonna just be nice to you and it's gonna piss you off every time. - That's gonna hate that. - You're gonna be like, "Ugh, what is this?" (upbeat music) Conan O'Brien needs a friend with Conan O'Brien, Sonom of Sessian, and Matt Gourley. Produced by me, Matt Gourley. Executive produced by Adam Sachs, Jeff Ross, and Nick Leo. Theme song by The White Stripes. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. Take it away, Jimmy. Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair, and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples. Engineering and mixing by Eduardo Perez and Brendan Burns. Additional production support by Mars Melnick. Talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and BrittCon. You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts and you might find your review read on a future episode. Got a question for Conan? Call the Team Coco Hotline at 669-587-2847 and leave a message. It, too, could be featured on a future episode. 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