Land of the Free, Home of Same-Day Delivery | Vile And Horrendous Episode 10 | Joe DeRosa

Imagine setting your makeup, then forgetting it's even theirs. Meet new groupie setting mist from Mavily New York. Gel to mist technology locks in your look for up to 24 hours, with flexible all-day comfy grip. No tightness, no stickiness, no residue. Just plump, dewy hydrated skin that still feels like your skin. Try new groupie setting mist from Mavily New York. Maybe it's Mavilyne. Folks, welcome to Violin Herendus. I am your host, the Violin Herendus. How are we doing? Happy post Fourth of July, folks. This episode is our big Fourth of July spectacular. I chose to do it a week after rather than a day or two before. But here we are for you, the most patriotic podcast of YouTube show around. We're here to celebrate the 250th anniversary of our country and also July 4th. Is that the same thing? Yeah. That is joy. Got 'em. Stupid. July 4th is the birthday. Yeah. Okay, great. Some people forget though. Yeah, like me. So anyway, happy birthday, America here, put two flag graphics in my hands here. Can you do that? Yeah. Waving the flags and then some fireworks. Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. Look at 'em go. Happy 250, write that on the screen. Oh, we got a big, stacked show full of patriotism for you today. We're gonna start though with something I've never done on this show. We're gonna do an unboxing. How does that relate to the Fourth of July you asked? Well, I'll tell you what, Amazon did Prime Day leading up to the holiday and I took advantage of it as a movie collector because they put some very cool movies on sale. And they've been coming in waves but as I was leaving to come down to the studio today, this was sitting at my door. I got very excited because I can hear there's a few movies inside this. I don't know which they are. I know which have shown up. I don't know which of the ones that haven't shown up or in this box and I thought let us unbox it. I'm supposed to do this unboxing video. The finger taps? Yeah, you're doing it right. My friend Kennedy said, "Please do the finger taps." Yeah, put it like really close to the mic. Yeah, there you go. Yeah, I'm getting hard. Me too. I came in hard, to be honest. Kennedy, not MTV Kennedy, from back in the day, different Kennedy. But I've met MTV Kennedy and she's very nice. So is my friend Kennedy. Anyway, all right. We're going to unbox. I got the tape started here. This is a real unboxing, haven't taped started but you can see it's not fully open. It did take off the address label because some psycho would have zoomed in on it and found that where I lived. Oh no. All right. Oh my god. This is the craziest Amazon order I've ever seen. Oh my god, I was wrong. There's only one movie in this. There's also the ear and nose waxing kit I bought. Because as you get older, you get hair in this part of your ear and your nose. Now I have trimmers for the nose and the ears and I got tired of always fucking trimming it. I said there must be a better way. So like Google, can you put an air in your nose and on your ears? Google was like don't ever fucking do that. It's very dangerous. But I found out from my barber that there are kits and here it is. Okay. So if you thought this unboxing couldn't get crazier, the one movie that is in this box of the movies I ordered, the last temptation of Christ, dear God, this, if I am not already on a government list, this got me on one, this got me on a, oh my god, this is the craziest thing ever. I'm almost, I'm almost embarrassed, but I have very little to live for. So a wild one Thursday for you. This is a wild Thursday, it's gonna be a party tonight. Fucking burn it off nose hairs and watch it, Jesus have sex. Has anybody seen this movie? This is, this is so funny because same person Kennedy, I was driving here talking to Kennedy and I told her I was gonna do this unboxing. She said you have to do the finger taps and then I said to her, I hope, who do I hope that the last temptation of Christ is in that box because it is a, it is kind of a lunatic movie to own. If you've never seen this movie, it is based on the book by Niko's, click on the book right there, go down. Yeah, there you go. It's based on the book by Niko's, it's Kazanzakis. Yeah. Kazanzakis. Yeah. Very, very controversial book, it's the concept of the story is this. As Jesus is on the cross, the Satan comes to him and tempts him and says, this can all be gone, you don't have to suffer, you can have, you can just come down off this cross and live a normal life and the movie explores him doing that. I won't give away the ending, but that's what happens. So yes, Jesus does have sex in this movie, he does a lot of wild shit in this movie and William Defoe, just when he thought, could it get any weirder, William Defoe plays Jesus and who plays Judas? Well, Harvey Kitell, of course, why wouldn't Harvey Kitell play Judas? And by the way, does nothing to change his Harvey Kitellness, nothing. He's just like Brooklyny Harvey Kitell running around being like, God damn you, Jesus, just screaming. J. Moore does an excellent Harvey Kitell impression, if you've never heard it, Google it. It's really amazing. Anyway, Martin Scorsese directed this film, Martin Scorsese is actually, I believe a Catholic and I believe a practicing Catholic, but he thought that this subject matter was fascinating and worth exploring, he got a lot of flak. This was very controversial. He was in hot water over this movie. David Bowie plays Punches Pilot and a soundtrack by Peter Gabriel that is so creepy, I don't, this is one of those movies, I don't even know why I want it to own it. It brings up so much inner shit, like I was raised Catholic. This movie really stirs a lot of stuff up inside of me, it's, I find it very uncomfortable times, I find it disturbing at times, I find it hunting and dark and creepy. But I also just find it really intriguing. I watch a lot of horror movies and people will often say, well, how do you do that? Like, doesn't that, don't they scare you? Whatever I'm like, I've seen so many that I don't really get scared anymore. Sometimes like a jolt will make me jump, but I don't really get scared. This is the kind of movie, I won't say it scares me, but it upsets me in the way that a lot of people get upset when they watch horror movies where they just don't feel comfortable. This is the kind of movie that gets me like that. So I guess that's why I wanted to own it. You know, and it's also a great movie to have on your shelf that makes people go, what the fuck is going on in here right now? I've had a few of those over the years, I remember years ago, Amy Schumer came to my apartment for a party and across the room, she was looking at my movie collection and from across the room, she yelled, why do you own precious? I was like, that's a great question. It's a good movie, but it's a weird movie to own. It's not one you get the family around the TV and watch for a few laughs. Precious as heavy shit. What's that? - No pun intended. - Oh, come on. We're better than that around here. I own some real, I own Salo. I've never watched it. I only bought, I don't wanna watch Salo. I don't even wanna talk what Salo's about, but I do own it. I've never opened it, I've never watched it. Why do I own it? 'Cause when they started banning like movies and censoring movies, when all that, like a few years ago, when everything was getting super censored, and they were taking stuff off streaming, I bought Salo and I bought the devils because I felt like they were two movies that were potentially gonna get taken away. And I was completely wrong. I let the paranoia get to me. Not only was it wrong, they're actually releasing the true uncut version of the devils, finally, starting Oliver Reed. And if you don't know what the devils is about, go read up on it, it's another one. And I will be purchasing that as well. Why? 'Cause I just like to fuck with myself. I don't know. Anyway, folks, there's your unboxing god damn it, okay? I hope you're happy. I enjoyed it, boom, but hey, let's get into the real patriotic shit of this episode and let's get into a segment that is celebratory instead of critical. We salute you. Ready, eight, five. Meet new grippy setting mist from Mavily New York. Jelly mist technology locks in your look for up to 24 hours, with flexible all day comfy grip. Just plump, dewy, hydrated skin that still feels like your skin. Try new grippy setting mist from Mavily New York. Maybe it's Mavily. All right, I know I talk a lot about what I can't stand on this show. So I thought for this commemorative 250 year anniversary episode celebrating the United States and its birthday, I thought it would be great for me to actually discuss six things I love about the United States of America. And I'm not being a smart ass. I'm not being ironic here. These are six things I legit love about the culture here. Why six? Because that's all I could think of. I did my best to get to 10, couldn't get close. Six is what I came up with. And they're things that I do think are pretty unique to this place. I've been to a decent amount of other countries in my travels. So I think I have a good basis of comparison here. So these are six things I love about the United States of America. Let's get to it. Coming in first, we got movies and TV. Movies and TV. Now people, listen to me. I know I complain a lot about the state of movies and Hollywood on this show. But long before the time that Disney bought up everything and entertainment completely shit the bed, the United States was the best in the biz. Let's be honest folks, when it came to movies and TV shows, we were the undisputed entertainment kings. From like, I don't know, 1940 or even 30, until at least 2010. We were running shit. Global franchises, massive box office numbers, sitcoms that got remade in 10 different countries, trend setting dramas. We were making television that felt like film. We were making TV movies that felt cinematic. We were making theatrical movies that became cultural phenomenons. It was all us. Some countries have oil. Some countries make automobiles. We exported entertainment. That is what we did. That was our product. Think about it like this. When a person in another country, right? When they turn to American citizens so they can watch a foreign film, what do they get? What do they get? Star Wars. Indiana Jones, Batman. What do we get when we do the same? You get two hours of black and white footage of like a fruit ball with subtitles. You know what guys, fuck off. You can keep your emotional exploration of the human condition and whatever the fuck. I'll be watching Seinfeld followed by Freddie Krueger. Okay? Speaking of Seinfeld, speaking of Seinfeld. Have we gotten one Seinfeld from another country? Have we? Now, not one. Meanwhile, we have given the globe Seinfeld. Cheers. Frazier. Will and grace. Friends. Do I need to go on? Do you know what TV show another country gave us? Whose line is it anyway? Need I say more? We're giving the globe the sopratos, madmen, curb your enthusiasm. They're giving us, hey, sing about how you lost your keys in the style of Zydako. Beat it. Beat it. We run shit or ranch it at least in TVs and movies. It all is crumbling now, but boy, was it good for a while and I can still enjoy the legacy. All right, number two. Let's stand the entertainment lane. Music. Music. I'm gonna keep this one short and sweet. It is very simple. We created and I will say it again. We created hip-hop. Rock and roll. The blues, jazz, country, half of punk rock. England did the other half fine. Bluegrass, funk, soul, and EDM. Is that enough? Is that enough? Every single possible musical genre, is that enough? Is that enough? This is how much we created musically here in the United States. This is how much we created here. Go to your musical categories on your streaming app. You'll see everything I just said in its own category and then there'll be another category that just says world. They just toss everything else under world. That's how little there is. You go to a record store, you go to, you ever been to a record store? You ever see the world section in a record store? It's easy to miss, it's easy to miss. I promise you. And even if you do see it, you're not going to it. You're not going to the world section. You're too busy going to the 10 other awesome sections that the United States is responsible for them having there. All right, number three, shopping malls. Ooh, ooh, I'm excited about this one. Shopping malls. All right, enough bragging for the moment. I know the last two things, it was kind of bragged, nocious, and we're so great for this. But okay, by the way, bragging and gloating almost made the list. Because let's face it, nobody swings their dicks around like we do here in the United States. But I left bragging and gloating off the list because I was afraid it would get political. So I was like, I don't want to go near that. Which, by the way, that's how sick the fucking time is that we live in, by the way, I'm nervous that talking about swinging my dick around could get political. Anyway, all right, third on the list here. Shopping malls. Shopping malls. Look, if you're going to live in an economy that's based on fear and consumption, you might as well live in one that does it right. And oh boy, do we do it right? They push us to the brink of insanity. So we go out and spend every dollar we make at the candy store. And God damn is the candy store good. Look at it, look at this. Look at that, look at that. Look at it, trick it in. That's the Mall of America. Athlete named the Mall of America. All right, pull that down. Right there, what you just saw, four levels, four levels of shit you don't want, let alone need. But it all seems worth buying at the time because you're hypnotized by the bright lights and the scent of cinnamon. Heaven, people, I don't know if heaven exists. But if it does, I promise you, it smells like cinnamon. I promise you that. The Mall, the Mall, the only place you can buy jewelry, sneakers, Call of Duty, Modern Warfare 4, a Yankees hat, a tuxedo, and a cookie, the size of a quesadilla, all within 28 minutes. The food courts got a pizza place you'd never heard of. The kiosks are selling road colognes. There's a guy bedazzling looney tunes and two-pock t-shirts next to a fountain. Welcome to the Mall, what more could you ask for when you're trying to pull yourself out of a suicidal spiral, resulting from the fact that we're all gonna die in a sewer in a crumbling economy. Hey, if you can't own land, you might as well own a sport coat. You got a hot topic that has a dragon on it. Honorable mention, honorable mention here. I also got to give a nod to our supermarkets. All right, there's a reason these World Cup tourists you're having meltdowns as they experience cold. for the first time in this country, our supermarkets do not fuck around. Look at this. That's just one aisle. That's just one aisle in your average supermarket here in the United States. I think that's Wegmans, I believe. You can pull it down. There's at least 12 more of those. And that was just from a regular super market. Not Costco, not Costco. Because that's how the fuck we do it. Endless aisles lined with countless products that will kill you. But boy do they taste good. And are they fun to look at? Ooh, we do shopping right in this country. All right, number four, delivery. Delivery. Delivery. Delivery. Is this not kismet that this showed up on my doorstep today? And I had already known I was gonna be talking about this. I can't believe this showed up today when I know I was gonna be talking about how great delivery is in the United States. The delivery of shit you want to your home right when you want it. I'm not fucking waiting. Now, the delivery concept, okay. It started in China. Started in China with food delivery, but we perfected it. We perfected it. How? Because America said why stop at food? Why stop at food? Why not make it the delivery of anything that you want 24 hours a day? Medicine, cars, toilet paper, clothing, and entire Easter ham. A nose and ear waxing kit, a Scorsese movie about Jesus banging broads. Let's go. We got this delivery game on lock. I'm not making this up. I swear this is a true story. I swear to God, this is a true story. One day to my apartment. I had delivered towels, dude wipes, McDonald's number two meal, screws and a drill. Am I a king? Am I the king of kings like Christ? Or am I just a boy who fell asleep and dreamt he was a king? What's the fucking difference? Because we're living like kings. Anything you want delivered. And by the way, none of the shit I just mentioned was delivered by Amazon. None of the shit that I just mentioned in that last list was delivered by Amazon. I got towels, dude wipes. I'm McDonald's number two meal, screws and a drill. All of it from DoorDash, DoorDash, an app invented for food delivery. This is what I'm getting on the food app. Why, how, who gives a fuck? Stop asking questions. Don't look the gift horse in the mouth. This country is batshit crazy and it is the land of milk and honey. And how do I know that? Because I can double dash, underwear, maxi pads and a huggy. And why am I having maxi pads deliver? Because I can, God damn it. And that's enough for me and that should be enough for you. Moving on. Number five. Imagine setting your makeup. Then forgetting it's even theirs. Meet new grippy setting mist from Maybelline, New York. Jelly mist technology locks in your look for up to 24 hours with flexible all day comfy grip. Just plum, dewy, hydrated skin that still feels like your skin. Try new grippy setting mist from Maybelline, New York. Maybe it's Maybelline. This is when you're not expecting Chinese food. Yeah, I said it. The United States does Chinese food the best. Yeah, that's right. Chinese food. We have the best Chinese food. Have you ever been to China? I have. Ever eaten the food in China? It's good, but it ain't Chinese food. First of all, they don't have egg rolls. They don't have egg rolls. Egg rolls, you know, the greatest thing on the Chinese restaurant menu. Let us marvel just for a moment at the egg roll. Look at it. Let us marvel. It's perfect. It's perfect. It's beautiful. Golden, greasy, crunchy, fat. That is a roll. I've burned enough skin off the roof of my mouth, excitedly biting into a fresh egg roll before letting it cool off like that. I could literally supply skin grafts to an entire burn unit. I can't wait for it to cool off. And speaking, by the way, of burn units, the skin on the egg roll must look like somebody just aroused it on it. All right? That's what it needs to look bubbled and damaged. That's how you know it's good. The egg roll is king. Well, guess what? We only got them here. They don't got them in China. Here's what they have in China. It's a disgrace, spring rolls. Spring rolls. Pull it down. I can't even look at it. I'm offended. Spring rolls. Look at the skin, no bubbles. I want my bubbles. These things are the exact opposite of egg rolls. Skinny, dry, flaky. Even the name sucks. Spring rolls. It sounds like something you put in your dryer when you're doing laundry. Anyway, American Chinese food. Completely different from the real thing. And this is one of the few cases where the movie is better than the book. Here's the weirdest part. It's being made by Chinese people here. That's the crazy part. It's not like it's a bunch of blonde hair blue eyes cooking up egg rolls. I've looked behind the counter. It's wall-to-wall Chinese back there. These people are pilgrims as far as I'm concerned. They came to this fine land of ours in a mission of spiritual culinary devotion. These are people that said, forget the peaking duck. Forget the steamed dumplings that come in the circular bamboo e-walk bowl. We are serving rice that is so overfried. It is dark brown. And it's going to come with a plastic container filled with sauce that looks like highlighter fluid. That sauce is going to be as neon as the sign in the window. Don't ask us what it is because we don't fucking know what it is, all right? Just shut the fuck up and dunk your egg rolls in it. All right, folks. Last on our list. And this will be another surprise for you. Mexican food. Mexican food. Yeah. Yeah, I said it, Mexican food. Look, I love, love, love, love. Authentic Mexican food. I love it truly. Not many things better than a street taco. Tortilla, meat, onion, cilantro. It's simple, it's perfect. And sometimes you can get them with cheek. Every in cheek. I'm not mad at anybody putting cheek inside a tortilla, all right? I'm not complaining about authentic Mexican food. I like it. I don't like authentic Chinese food, by the way, too. But when it comes to Mexican food, let us please recognize the handing of the baton when Mechs met Tex. The innovations that Tex Mechs brought to Mexican food must be recognized and celebrated. These people are miracle workers, taking a miraculous food and making miracles occur with it. I'm sure you're all aware, but allow me to point out some of these innovations, AKA miracles. People were putting tacos inside Dorito shells. Do you understand? Do you understand? We are putting taco filling inside of Dorito shells. I mean, we could end this whole fucking argument right there. It could end right there. I don't think I even need to go on, but I will. I will continue. We're wrapping crunchy shells inside soft shells and fusing the two together with refried beans. We're putting French fries into burritos. Have you seen what we've done with nachos? Behold, behold. Look at that. Look at that pile of joy. Traditional nachos, look, they're good. These are Americanized nachos. Traditional nachos are good. I'm just saying it's a pretty big step down from what we just saw. These are traditional nachos here. No offense. It looks like the authentic nachos. It reminds me of Cinderella before the ball. You know what I mean? They're still pretty. You'd still bang them. But let's put her in a gown and now we're cooking with gas. You know what I'm saying? Is that sexist? Hello? They're not saying anything back here. Why? Was that bad, should I not have said that? No, it's fine. You guys are real supportive today. What? The traditional nachos. No, it's sad. They're not in the gown yet. They're delicious. They're just not in the gown yet. Yeah, she's still mopping food. And you'd still eat those just like you'd still eat. You're just saying you'd want to eat her more when she's got some, you know, she's dobbled up, I don't know, I think I'll make it a good point. Oh my God, anyway, oh, I mentioned gas, by the way. Gas is one area where I do prefer traditional Mexican food because it doesn't make me feel like a bloated hell in need of a toilet and an immediate shower after I eat it. But hey, if it don't make you feel like dog shit and ain't American and after all, that's what today's all about. America, happy 250 baby, fireworks, fireworks, American flag graphics, put them all up, happy 250 on the screen, do it, do it, do it, do it, do it, do it, do it, do it, do it, do it, do it, do it, do it, do it, do it. Stop it. Alright, we got time for some pig talk folks, let's get into it. Pig talk. Oh, I think we can actually get both of these in. Nice and short, I like it. By the way, for the listeners writing in or the viewers writing in, shorter is better, you don't have to make it short, but it is a little bit easier. This one comes from how it is titled ride share roadblocks, deer vile and horrendous, sorry, deer vile horrendous and scumbags. I'm getting absolutely tired of DoorDash Uber and any other type of ride share drivers blocking roadways. These absolute mouth breathers stop wherever they want, whenever they want, with no consideration for driving laws or other people on the street, unless you want to rip them from the cars and beat them on the side of the road. Am I a stupid pig for this opinion? Thank you for doing the Lord's work with the show. How? Thank you, how? For the nice words? No, you're not a stupid pig at all, that's infuriating when these ride share guys do that. I agree with you. The thing they do here in Austin a lot is, well, I mean, this is basically what you're saying, but they'll stop, you know, 6th street, for instance, very busy thoroughfare here in Austin. They'll stop and wait for five solid minutes with somebody with their flashers on. It drives me crazy, and I'll take it a step further. It pisses me off with the Amazon delivery guys and moving trucks. These trucks will, because they don't feel like pulling into the parking lot and walking to the door, they'll just park with their flashers on and obstruct traffic completely. It drives me crazy. You are not a stupid pig for this opinion. The vial and horrendous people in this story are the ride share drivers. But don't worry how, they're being replaced as we speak by robots that the powers that be able to shut down and prevent us from going anywhere. So, hey, we're dealing with 6 and 1/2 of the other assholes that have no manners or robots that will prevent us from getting places. I don't know which is worse. All right, spank the kitty. This is titled spank the kitty. That's a not a non-pig. Do you think that's the guy's name or what he signed off with? He's a non-pig. He's a not a miss. But I guess. I didn't find anything. Oh, ain't I. God, am I this stupid? No. The American way. Yo, Joe, and scumbags in the other room. This is great. People are saying the, saying all the stuff from the show. So I've been going outside to jerk off every night. Jesus Christ. Because my daughter started hearing screams from my room. This guy is screaming while he's jerking off. Anyway, it's by my pool in dark so no one can see or should see. I strip all the way down for efficiency. This stray cat has been coming up to the backyard and drinking the pool water. Come on with this, man. You guys gave me this. You had the audacity to get quiet when I made the Cinderella analogy. Like I was saying, something crazy. You pick this one? You pick this one. I'm not reading the rest of this. I also don't think this is real. Did you guys write this? No. And it's also not from that one guy that sends in the crazy stories either. I mean Jesus Christ. I wanted to end on a patriotic note. And I will say that this story does contain the word "busting," which makes me think of the fireworks, red glare, or the rocket's red glare, bombs busting an air. Happy anniversary, America. There could have been a better way to celebrate this country than to close with the segment that involves the people where one of the people is so reprehensible, I can't even read the goddamn message. If that ain't America, I don't know what it is. Folks, we appreciate you watching, we appreciate you listening. Hit that subscribe button, follow us at Joe DeRosa Comedy here on YouTube, also follow me there on Instagram. Same handle. You can also follow us @violinherendus on Instagram. We appreciate all the support. I got some road dates coming up. Let's take a look at them. July 14th and 15th, I will be in St. Petersburg, Florida for the joke world comedy festival, October 23rd and 22nd, excuse me, through the 25th comedy mothership here in Austin, Texas, November 13th, Skankfest, November 19th through the 23rd, but crushes fully loaded at sea. I have a show, I think in August that I'm about to announce, stay tuned for that. Also, I want to say it here, because I said it on Instagram, I am no longer involved with Joey Roses. I have stepped away in all facets, but I wish the team and the crew over there well, they're going to continue on without me, and they're still there doing their thing. I wish them all well. We had a great ride. I want to thank everybody that came through in the four, I guess it was four years that I was involved. I met a lot of really amazing people, a lot of really wonderful supporters who had a lot of nice things to say, and we shared a lot of very fun times. Thank you all for that. I appreciate it, and that's it folks. That's our show. Happy Post Fourth. I'll see you next time. Oh, shit, white women's. I had a baby with the Illuminati, and what I don't think you guys understand about the Illuminati is that they transfer the sex of their baby before the eighth week. My mother went through catechism and married a gender flip. I'm not sure if she was aware that my FBI stepdad also should have been born female. His parents also, his mom should have been born male, and his dad should have been born female. He's a lawyer, so every lawyer that I've ever had should have also been born a female. They make it with testosterone, so it has the anatomical parts of a male, but its skeleton is female. That's the big secret in the Illuminati. My Dominic Russo, his parents, it doesn't have anything to do with money, it's got something to do with DNA, or I don't know, I haven't gone down all the roads yet, but only the mother's DNA comes back. It's Immaculate Conception, Kendrick Lamar speaks of it. He's also someone that should have been born female, and I just think that y'all need to wake up. Imagine setting your makeup, then forgetting its even theirs.