Kylie on “Cowboy Jason” Thirst Trap, Why She Won’t Allow Sleepovers & Bennie Starting School | Ep. 64

This episode is brought to you by Invisalign. Look at her, she did that, ta-da. In college, I got Invisalign aligners because I wanted to actually look in the mirror and feel confident in my smile. I think that a smile is one of the best things that you can possibly have. I think one of the best things that you can put on is a smile. I'm not just saying that because it's like some old quote or something. I'm saying it because I truly believe that when you can smile and really mean it, like when it goes all the way up to your eyes because you're confident and you're happy and you're feeling joy, who doesn't want to see that? More importantly, who doesn't want to feel that? But let's talk about something beyond how your smile looks, taking care of it. And since we've already established that I take flossing very seriously, this part deserves a little attention. Invisalign aligners straighten teeth, making it easier to brush and floss, reducing plaque and lowering the risk of cavities and gum disease. I have to be really careful to make sure that I'm keeping up with my oral hygiene because I have little muffins that watch me and I need to make sure that they're modeling that same care for their own teeth. Back in college, I was thinking about how my smile would look. Now, I appreciate that there's more to it than that. Look at her. Look at her. Ooh, she's cute. Look at her. Wow. And if you're thinking about starting your smile journey, make sure you're getting Invisalign aligners. Look for the star flower logo on every aligner so you know you're getting Invisalign, backed by experience and trusted by doctors. Find an Invisalign doctor near you today. This football season, whether you're buying tickets, booking travel, or shopping for teams, protect your pocket with Visa. Tapping to pay without checking which card? Not a pro move. Tapping to pay with Visa, that's a pro move. Visa runs more than 500 security checks to help identify fraud before transactions are approved so you can focus your defensive energy on other things, like defending your nachos from your hungry, hungry husband. That might not be a pro move, but paying with Visa is. Visa, the most trusted way to pay for football fans everywhere. Wave. Not gonna lie, puppy kisses are great. Until you've watched them eat their own poop. Yeah. Yuck. Let's get this podcast started. Welcome back to a very special springtime episode. My microphone, look, look. My microphone is swinging away because it's like, I don't want you to do that. I don't want you to do a solo episode. You need to be quiet. Stop talking into a microphone. Welcome back to a very special springtime solo episode. I'm not gonna lie. A Wave original brought to you by Lululemon. I'm your host, Kylie Kelsey. I haven't been to a movie theater in, oh no, 12, no, it has to be shorter than that because I went with Jason when we were dating. Let's say nine years. Yeah, I'm not, I'm not taking my kids to a movie theater yet because I don't want to be that disrespectful to the other people in the movie theater. With the 23rd overall pick in the 2026 NFL draft, I predict the Eagles will select someone I'm gonna cheer for. And Jason and I finally got to celebrate our eighth wedding anniversary a few days late. And that's okay because it was worth it. Last week, he told me that I needed to block off some time this Sunday. He gave me no other information, which is, you guessed it, terrifying. And so it turns out it was worth the wait. We went and did pots. We made pots. We did pottery. We threw on a pottery wheel, which neither of us have ever done before. So that was very exciting. And we both had different strengths while we were doing it, I think. And I took it as a personal challenge to tell the Clay who was boss. And Jason made a very cool and interesting pot. It was fun. I do fear that his pots are gonna come out better. But the good news about that is they will live in our house. So I get to benefit from the beautiful pots too. How about that? We do not have any anniversary traditions. In recent years, we have tried, tried to get interesting with using what are like the suggested gifts for each year. Last year was copper. I got a Lorax. And he's perfect. I did not get anything bronze this year because it's either bronze or pottery. So we went with pottery. I actually really appreciate that because I feel like the Lorax might actually be bronze. Don't tell anyone. Because I love the Lorax and I love that he got it. It's honestly one of my favorite gifts. Anyway, coming up on today's solo episode, I'm gonna answer eight-ish Ask Me Some Things questions submitted by The Real Ones in honor of my eight-year anniversary, plus the return of You Know What's Fucked Up? We also have a loaded doom scroll of the week about how fucked up women's clothing sizes are and dating red flags. I'm also gonna attempt to give some very unqualified parenting advice in a brand new segment featuring someone who never wants to be on camera. Ha! Queen Emma. That's right, Real Ones. Since I agreed to do a solo episode, Queen Emma has agreed to be on camera. And by agreed, I mean voluntold. Yeah, I don't think I agreed to this. Yes, you did. You're on camera. It's only fair. But before we get into all of that, let's start with a few quick NGL announcements. First up, this coming Tuesday, April 28th, you're getting a truly historic episode of FAFO. Guys, I was somehow let loose on the Pennsylvania State Capitol. And I've never felt more like Leslie Knope in my life. It was wonderful. And I had no business being there. A little business. I'm born and raised Pennsylvanian, so. And more importantly, I got to sit down with Pennsylvania Governor Josh Shapiro and First Lady Lori Shapiro. I'm so excited for the real ones to see this. And you may also get to see how bad I am at basketball. That's not a tease. I am fucking trash at basketball. And you can see that. You can see it if you watch this FAFO episode. It's honestly horrific. And the only reason I'm agreeing to let it stay in this episode is because we have another FAFO planned right now that I think I will be able to show off a more athletic prowess. I don't even know if I'd call it that. The first shot I took, it was so bad. I haven't shot a basketball. I'm not exaggerating. I haven't shot a basketball in 15 years. How old am I? 24. Muffing, muff. Yeah, almost 15 years. Holy trash. Anyway, make sure you tune in this Tuesday on our YouTube channel. Make sure you set your alerts so you don't miss it. Next up, it's official. NGL just won Podcast of the Year at the 2026 Webby Awards. Oh, no. We also won the People's Voice Award for Best New Podcast and Best Partnership. Shout out to The Real Ones for voting and more importantly for watching every week. And also thank you to the amazing guests I had no business talking to for somehow agreeing to come on because we couldn't have done it without you. You know who else we couldn't have done it without? Our amazing team on NGL. It is not about me. I could not put on a podcast by myself, especially to this caliber. It would be a vertically recorded iPhone video on selfie side. It would be trash. It's about. It's the whole team. And final announcement. Last week, I asked The Real Ones for suggestions on organizations that we should donate our new merch proceeds to. And as always, you guys delivered. Some top choices were Play Like a Girl, Girls on the Run, and Special Olympics. Ooh. Because we donated our merch proceeds to our field hockey FAFO with Nicky Marie proceeds to Girls on the Run. I feel like Play Like a Girl is the right one here. And since we're supporting women in sports, Play Like a Girl it is. Moving on, let's get right to our Real One Comments of the Week. This week, there was a photo of Jason in a cowboy hat going around from Lane and Kelsey Johnson's wedding. And as you can imagine, it's an excellent picture. It's outstanding. For the audio listeners, my husband is standing. kind of sideways here. with a cowboy hat on, a bolo scarf, tie thing, and you can very clearly see his salt-and-pepper beard. Now, he's dressed in all black. I said he looked like something straight out of Yellowstone. Did I watch Yellowstone? Absolutely not. If you think I have time to walk into a show as serious as that, you are incorrect. Did I want to? Absolutely. I will say I saw a ton of comments. A ton of comments. And I feel like we should address them. Some of you do get it. Someone said, are we allowed to like photo number four? I feel like we just need permission. Yep. You are allowed to like it. Someone else said, I promise I'm looking respectfully. Thank you so much for saying that, Amanda. That's very kind of you. But then I see. - And I see some people still don't quite understand. Someone said, I'm here for Cowboy Kelsey. Nope. I'm going to say it. Jason is fine. You better hide your eyes. Jason Kelsey sliding into hot Cowboy Summer was not on my bingo card. Okay, Meg. No. Alexa, why are you hot and sweating? Why are you hot and sweating, Alexa? No. Consider this your quarterly reminder. That's mine. And not only can I fight, I will fight. You can look all you want. But that man is only tipping his hat at me. Thank you. Also, Jennifer said, pick four screams baby number five. LOL. You watch your mouth. Jennifer, you watch your mouth. My uterus might hear you. She's not talking to you, uterus. Guys, we have four children. My youngest child just turned one. Can you, I don't know, take a fucking chill pill? I've seen him. Trust me. We have four. I get it. Mine. Mine? Mine. Mine. Also, because I'm a big Finding Nemo lady, I do love how frequently you guys put Finding Nemo seagulls in the comments of the videos or photos where my husband is looking. Fine. Keep that up. That's women supporting women. All right. Now that that's been handled, let's get to the long awaited return of, you know what's fucked up? Yeah. Hey, you know what's fucked up? Three of my babies are now officially in school and I don't feel great about it. Yeah, I don't. Benny started preschool last week because she's three now. And we were waiting until after spring break because our schedules were a little wonky. And also I was being selfish. I wanted her to stay home with me. So, uh, we have been preparing for this for quite some time. There have been quite a few. Things that we have worked on at home where I've said to her, well, we need to be able to do this because you're going to school. And that was very helpful in progressing us forward on a lot of different skills. Um, and specifically encouraging some independence. The first day was great for Benny. And so she got out of the car and I shit you not. I said, bye, Benny. I love you. And she went, love you. She didn't turn around. She didn't even turn around. After her second day, she said to me, I love go to school. I love go to school. I'm really excited. I go to school. I go to school. And that's why she's in school, right? How did I handle it? I mean, I talked about it the entire day. Guys, she was there for three hours. I talked about it relentlessly the whole three hours. I told everyone that would listen that she didn't turn around. And then I had to keep saying and convincing myself that I was okay with that only because I am an adult and I should be able to handle being not okay. More than she would handle being not okay. So I'm glad I was the one that was not okay. And she was not the one that was not okay. All around. I'd say like one out of 10 reading on that experience for me. I'm so excited for her and so excited for her to be in school and enjoying herself and, uh, with like the best teachers and it still hurts my soul. So you can bet your bottom dollar when they get out of school for school. I'm so excited for her. I'm so excited for her to be in school and enjoying herself and enjoying herself and enjoying herself. I'm so excited for her to be in school and enjoying herself and enjoying herself. I'm walking in. You're going to see me less on this screen. You're going to hear my voice less. Thank God. Right. There's a bunch of people that just went, Jesus, finally. And I am just going to, I'm going to summertime so hard in their faces. God, I can't wait. Um, Finn's having the time of her life. The fact that she gets to walk around and just fuck shit up. Wow. She's having a blast. No one's taking her. Remote, AKA her phone. Um, she's having uninterrupted phone calls, which is very important for Finn. Um, she gets to pound on the piano toy that she has and nobody takes away from her, which is very exciting. Um, she gets to read whatever book she picks and she doesn't have to wait for her turn to come up. Uh, I don't think she actually knows about turns, but she does get pissed off when her sisters get on my lap for some reason. I don't know if it's just cause Jason has a wider lap. They don't get as mad sharing a lap. If there's more than two pissed lipid, but Finn's enjoying herself and I'm happy for her and sad for me. Anyway, that does it for, you know, what's fucked up. Let's continue this theme of fucked up in doom scroll the week. First, if it wasn't already clear how fucked up sizes are on women's clothing, peep, the confidence just managed to perfectly sum up my own feelings on this queen Emma, the clip, please. Size does not matter. And I'm going to prove it. This is a size four. Hello? Stunning. However, this gown is also a size four. Stunning. Can't get her zipped. Size six. I actually can't believe I'm selling this one. Whoa. Also a size six. Can't zip. Size eight. Size eight. Not a chance. Size 10. Size 12. I can't even show you the back. Size 14. Back in a size six. Size doesn't matter. Size never mattered. And all that matters is that you feel good in what you're wearing because nobody's going to know what number you're wearing. Yeah. Okay. So first of all, this is, uh, I believe if I butcher this, I'm so sorry. I believe this is Deanna. If you haven't seen her OOTD, the OOTD, peep the shoe. If you remember that, I still remember watching those. I'm pretty sure during COVID that's how far back it goes. Um, Deanna's great because she, uh, sort of relieves the stress of fashion. She likes to sometimes be a little more adventurous. This video in particular, when I say adventurous, I mean more adventurous than I would get, which I wear jeans, a t-shirt, and Chuck Taylors to protein. Much everything I do. So just take that with a grain of salt. Um, anyway, this video is the perfect summary of women's clothes off the top of my head. I can think of four different brands, brands as a whole, that if I were to try on the same size in everyone, one might fit, one would be too big, and two would be too small. And that's crazy behavior. Okay. Now we get the perk of now you can read reviews of certain clothing online. That's very helpful. But I do think that the range, it's not like a lot of, there are a number of places where you will order clothing from. If you order it in the same size from one store, if you order from a different store or brand, it's not going to be the same size. So if you order it in the same size, it's going to be the same size. So if you order it in the same size, it's going to two, three sizes outside of what you expect should fit you. That's crazy. Now I do want to put emphasis on the fact that she said, no one's going to know what size you're wearing. Think about this. When you put your clothes on, where's the tag? That's right on the inside. Who's checking your tag? Seriously, who's checking your tag? Do not get stuck on a number on a tag because if something fits you properly, if you size up or down to the appropriate size that fits your body and most importantly is comfortable, it's going to look 10 times better. So if you order better than if you went with a size because you were like, that's the size I want on my tag, who gives a shit what numbers on your tag? That doesn't matter. No one's going to see your tag. I have a pair of jeans. Uh, I have a pair of jeans right now that are a 30 tall. Okay. In another brand I have, which I think equates to a 10 or a 12. I don't know. I have another pair of eight long jeans from another brand that fit me like a glove. We got to cut the shit guys. Don't worry about, don't do not worry about the number on your tag. Your tag goes inside of your clothing. You're inside of your clothing. No one is checking your tag. The only time your tag is going to be viewable is when that clothing is off. of you. And in a platonic situation, no one's checking your laundry basket. And in a non-platonic situation, no one is checking your tag. If you catch my drift, you're going to be busy with other things. So, okay. Glad we went there. Uh, one of the top comments on this clip is as someone with body dysmorphia, I cut the sizes out on most of my clothes so that I never have to see it. If it fits and makes me feel good, it's my size. This is the vibe. This is the vibe. Now I hope that people get to a place where they don't even need to cut the tags out because they can just not give that life. But if this is the way that you need to do it, fucking right. Yes. The key is if it fits and makes me feel good, it's my size period. The end. That's all we have to say about that. Next scroll. Apparently things are not going great in dating scene right now. At least based on this woman's 35 minute date, she breaks down while deboning a rotisserie chicken. And let me just, before, before you play the clip, Queen Emma, what'd he do? Go ahead. Let's find out. Welcome back to a segment we call talking shit while deboning a chicken. Today we're going to be talking about how I just got back from a 35 minute date. Tell us why. I walked in at seven o'clock. No, you know what? 703. I walked in at 703 after he was incessantly texting me, asking for my number. I walked in at 703. I walked in at 703 after he was incessantly texting me, asking for my update. I said, I was running a couple of minutes late. I said, no more than five. And he was like, okay, great. Like I'm waiting at the bar. I want to take my AirPods out and I'm like putting it in my purse. I looked to my right. This man is staring at me. I realized it is the man that I am meeting. Mind you, he said he was six foot, but I look over and I am staring him directly in the eye. And I am five, six about how he like has lived in New York for a year. So it was like, Oh, you know, obviously where are you coming from? Like, what's the vibe? He's like, Oh, I'm coming from San Diego. And I was like, Oh my gosh, a San Diego to New York pipeline. Like, you don't hear that super often because of the beach. He was like, yeah, but like he wants to hang out on the beach all the time. And I was just like, yeah, no, who would want that? Um, of which somehow this conversation transitions into the fact that I was like, Oh, you know, why, why were you in San Diego? And he was like, well, my wife, or I guess my ex-wife. And I was like, Oh yeah, tell me more. And he was like, well, you want me to tell you all my secrets? Like, I'm not going to tell you that. And I was just like, you brought it up, sir. You're the one that responded that like, you could have lied. You could have lied. And then finishing our drinks, the lady comes over and she was like, can I get you another drink? And I was like, you can kindly get me the check of which I think he thought that I had changed my mind in a matter of seconds because he just seemed as if, Oh, she wants the check. We're obviously leaving together. Um, the check comes, did not even attempt to pretend that he was okay with like taking the check all out my wallet and like put my, Ooh, my card down because I'm like, no way. Am I going to let this man think that if he pays, he's taking me anywhere. Okay. Let me say this. I saying this as someone who has been out of the dating game for quite some time now, thank the Lord for that. Shout out to my hubby. Okay. Tired. Women are tired. You know what they're tired of? Your shit. Yeah. Holy red flags. Okay. I don't even know where to start on how many red flags are in this video. Okay. Lying about your height, grabbing your phone, not offering to put your card down, talking about an ex wife. And then, not answering additional questions or thinking it's weird that she has questions about the fact that you just mentioned a wife or ex wife. What? Also, and maybe the most egregious, assuming she'll go home with you. Yuck. No, let's be clear. If you're on a date and it's going well, and maybe you are going to be on a date, but you're not going to be on a date, and you're not going to go home with him, you would both know that. That would be abundantly clear. It should just be like, we know what's about to happen. You're both going to know. So, yuck. Again. I don't necessarily know that I ever went on rough dates prior to Jason because I didn't really go on dates. Okay. I went out on dates with, there weren't that many, and I vetted them. I knew them. So, I knew it wasn't going to be horrific. Going out on a blind date, I would not have done. I just don't have trust like that in people. Jason was the first and last Tinder date I ever went on. Queen Emma's asking what unsolicited advice I would give to people dating right now. Godspeed. I genuinely, I'm so sorry. You know what? This is what I'll say. Trust your gut. If someone is willing to lie about their height that aggressively, we're talking six foot tall and five, six is very different. Okay. If someone is willing to lie about their height to that extent, why? Why? I'd rather go out with someone who said they were five, six. Then someone who's six. I just don't understand that lying. I mean, you guys know, I started a podcast called not going to lie. Lying irks me to a degree that I cannot explain. So, no, absolutely not. Unsolicited advice I would give people dating right now is trust your gut. Trust your gut because women's intuition, you know, and last scroll, I doom scrolled so hard on TikTok. I don't know what you're talking about. Travis was drafted by the chiefs. Queen Emma, the clip with a 63rd pick in the 2013 NFL draft, the Kansas city chiefs select Travis Kelsey tied in Cincinnati. Yay, Trav. Go Trav. Yeah. This is very exciting because this episode is actually dropping on the first day of the 2026 NFL draft. And for those of you who don't know, this is a monumental day in a lot of people's lives. This is the moment that these guys have been working towards countless hours and effort that they have put into being able to be receiving a phone call tonight or over the next couple days. This is an incredible accomplishment. And it is so exciting, not only for these players, but the opportunity that their families get to celebrate with them. I like tuning into the draft as like background noise. I like putting it on and listening to it as it goes by. If the Eagles ever asked me to announce a late round pick, I would say no. Because I actually don't like being in front of people. So no, thank you. But I'm excited for you. But I don't want to do it. Also on the off chance that I mispronounced the person's name. Could you imagine? I would be mortified. I don't want to be that person. I want to give people the respect of having their names announced correctly. And I'd probably botch it. That's it for Doomscroll the week. I'll be right back with your most burning questions for me after this rambling. Random woman I've never met in my life talks to you about one of her favorite things, Lululemon. The real ones know that I've been wearing my favorite Lululemon shorts and leggings since I was 19. And that's a long time since I'm 24, maybe plus 10. Okay, moving on. The best part is Lululemon looks great and lasts. You feel that the first time you put it on and you feel it six months later or almost a decade later. They hold up just like when you first bought them. Plus, their new spring styles take that even further. I'm loving the new Rulu drapey yoga jogger. That's these. Okay. You want to know why I love them? Because it's comfortable. They stretch with you. You can chase children in them. It's made with Rulu. Lululemon's ultra soft four-way stretch fabric that wicks sweat and keeps its shape wear after wear. Plus, they are as comfortable as a pair of tights. But the fit is loose and drapey, so you have room to breathe. No hard pants over here. Here's the thing you need to know. Lululemon does limited color runs. So when those new styles drop every Tuesday, they go full. So fast. You don't want to wait. If it's not for you, Lululemon offers free returns. No risk. That's lululemon.com. New drops every Tuesday. Go now. The real ones know I'm an animal lover through and through, whether it's the tigers, snakes, or turtles at the zoo, or my two dogs at home. Because Freddie and Patty are getting along great. And the girls like her because she is more appropriately toddler-sized. And good news for animals everywhere. Amazon Pet Day is coming back for its fifth year. Amazon is making it bigger and better than ever before. By offering five full days of savings. Amazon Pet Profiles allows you to set up a profile for your pet. and receive personalized recommendations based on breed, size, and preferences. A good thing for turtle girls like Emma, it's not just dogs and cats either. Fish, horses, small animals, and birds can have their own profiles too. All you have to do is use the Amazon mobile app and search pet profiles in the search bar to navigate the pet profiles page, or customers on desktop can go to www.amazon.com slash your pets, select what type of pet you have, and enter their breed, age, and weight. Plus, you can enter their name and a picture, of course, and Amazon will give you the best product recommendations tailored for your pet. From May 11th through the 15th, customers will find deals on pet food and treats, toys, apparel, healthcare products, grooming supplies, and so much more. Visit amazon.com backslash pets to learn more. And I'm back. And so has Ask Me Somethings, because Ask Me Anything was far too open-ended, you wacky mother. In honor of today's solo episode and my eight-year anniversary with Jason, I'm going to answer eight-ish of the real ones' questions, meaning at least eight? I don't know. Queen Emma put them in there. We'll see how many we get through rapid fire style. She says rapid fire. She knows that's never going to happen. I'm going to try my best. Here we go. Here we go. Here we go. Someone asked, how about an update on your two pups? They're doing great. They love each other. Benny is still their fearless leader. She bosses everybody around. Jason is definitely still calling Freddy. Gunda, like, aggressively. It never comes out Gunda. It's always Gunda. Like, it's like this, like, so aggressive. He calls Patty Patty, and Patty only gets called Patricia when she's getting in trouble. And then it's just like the TikTok audio. You can insert it here. Patricia! Okay, it's that. Oh, Freddy didn't like that. But they're getting along. They play nicely. And Freddy. Freddy has figured out where she needs to hide, either under the deck or under people's feet, so that Patty can't completely truck her ass. It's fine. They're learning. And the next question is, what should a big Eagles fan do if their husband got them a Cowboys shirt for Christmas? I could think of a couple things right out of the gate. My first instinct is cut it up and use it as a rag. That's simple. Straightforward, to the point. Next, which is probably a little bit more appropriate, donate it. You don't even need that thing anymore. I have to be honest. My first thought was to set it on fire. I think it's best that you get rid of the shirt. In an obvious way. And then, you get an Eagles green car. Might I recommend a Toyota Sienna? I'm kidding. I'm kidding. A little bit. Don't pee on that floor! Hey! Don't do it. I'm gonna go burn it on the driveway. Just, guys, women's intuition, I'm going with my gut. Burn it on the driveway. Light it on fire. Maybe in a fire pit, so that it's contained. Be responsible about it, but definitely light it on fire. Okay, as a fellow girl mom, what are your thoughts on sleepovers? No. Oh, guys, we live in a different world than when we were growing up. And to be fair, I didn't even really have sleepovers when I was growing up. I think I can, off the top of my head, remember maybe, maybe two or three sleepovers that I had. Okay. No, my kids are not going for sleepovers. I will let them stay for all of the activities, and then I'll pick you up to go to bed. If you want me to take you back in the morning, because people are doing, like, breakfast and an activity in the morning, I'll take you back. You're sleeping in your house. You know? Yeah. I have trust issues, okay? Let's just. I do. Has Kylie done a Tim Tam slammer yet? I'm so glad you asked this. For those who do not know, first of all, what a Tim Tam is, I'm going to say that it is the Australian version of an Oreo. Now, that's coming from an American. So if you are an Australian or a New Zealander who have grown up with Tim Tams, please do not come for me, because I'm now going to glaze them. Queen Emma? I'm going to glaze the shit out of these Tim Tams, okay? Okay. Now. Uh, the Tim Tam slam, Tim Tams are a rectangular cookie that are two chocolate biscuits with a chocolate cream in the middle, and then they are completely enrobed, you guessed it, in more chocolate. I love it so much. Okay. What you do is, for a Tim Tam slam, which is great, because it can't. My Tim Tams, my Tim Tams, I'm pretty sure they were sent to my husband. Whatever. What's his is mine, and what's mine is mine. You know what I'm saying? They sent it with a card, and the card actually explained a Tim Tam slam. My favorite part about this question is that I did it for four Tim Tams this morning. The good news is, is that the nutritional facts are not structured in the way that the American snacks are. They're really easy to ignore. Because then I would have to, like, really get in there and read about it. Don't look at the front of the package. It tells you about two cookies. Just ignore that. Kind of like the number on your tag. Ignore it. It's not helpful information, so we just pretend it's not there. You take a Tim Tam. You take the rectangular cookie. Okay? This is not helpful. You take the rectangular cookie vertically, as if you were holding an iPhone. That's how you hold the cookie. You bite one corner, and then you bite the opposite corner. So you're biting a top corner, and then you're biting a bottom corner. They need to be opposite the cookie, diagonally across the cookie. And then you take the cookie, and you put the bottom of the cookie in the coffee. It says you can do it with tea and with hot chocolate. Fine. Do what makes you happy. Let me tell you. A butter pecan dunking coffee. Getting slurped through that motherfucker. Stop it right now. You cut the shit. Okay, so let me tell you. This is why you want to use hot coffee or a warm drink. You're holding your Tim Tam. You use it like a straw. Now you're thinking, there's no way this coffee is going to come up this Tim Tam. Wrong. Immediately wrong. Oh my God. Not only does it come up the Tim Tam, okay? But then it melts the chocolate and the cookies. I want more. Now, you can eat them just straight up, because I did that last night too. Oh. This is a really cohesive episode. Because I'm going to have to forget the number on the inside of it. I'm going to have to wear my postpartum jeans again. I got out of them for a minute, and then I got a box of Tim Tams, and now I'm going to get back in them. And you know what? I'm happy. I'm happy because this morning I had a Tim Tam slam and a coffee. Oh, stop it. This is where the rapid fire goes off the rail. Rapid fire who? I don't know where you can buy them locally. Although, I did see a couple people. In my DM saying that you can buy them at World Market. I'm guessing you can order them online. We got a big box of them, and there's not a single cookie broken in there. So, outstanding packaging by Tim Tams. Tim Tams, I love you. Okay. That's it. Okay. Now, next question. Wedding season. What was the best shower wedding gift you and Jason received? Oof. It was a while ago. It was a while ago, guys. Eight years. It was a while ago. I am a huge proponent of stick to the registry. I do it for baby showers. I do it for wedding gifts. I want to stick to a registry. If you're going to tell me what to get, then I'm going to get that because I am good rule follower. Now, if there isn't a registry or we're given other instructions, I'm going to listen to that too. Okay. Hey, puppy. Hey, puppy. We got a lot of gifts pertaining to dogs, and I'm going to tell you why. Because we had Winnie at the time, and we loved her dearly, and she was the dog I always wanted. So, we put her on our wedding invitation, and I think that that signaled to people we're obsessed with our dogs. Number one, you're correct. Number two, we got a gift from friends of ours. That was. An opportunity to have a portrait painted of our dogs. I think it's my favorite wedding gift. Shout out to Genevieve, the artist. She came and photographed the dogs and then made them into this gorgeous. I mean, I don't even have to send you a picture. It's in the background of every week. It's the one up above the fireplace. I love it so much that we have discussed where we're going to put it in the house as if it is a hard must on the wall. It has. Winnie M. Ballou in it. And so it's perfect. I love every bit of it. So that's my favorite. what I will circle back to if I cannot find something on your registry that I think I would like to buy you it's cash or check guys it's cash or check don't be silly don't be out here trying to buy some whack ass stuff just stick if someone tells you what to get get that unless it's a portrait of your dogs and then do that god I love that fucking picture okay next question tips for maintaining friendships when busy with kids it's hard I literally don't have tips for you if you have tips for me can you tell me because I I got nothing I genuinely here's what I've been trying and I've not been doing a good job admittedly I've been trying to when I think of someone or something text them immediately because sometimes it's just opening that line of communication back up I can't even get there right now so just take my advice with a grain of salt if you have advice tag at NGO with Kylie so that I can do better and we can all do better together how about that uh this next question were you a Disney Channel kid if so what is your Disney Channel Mount Rushmore wow I wasn't really a Disney Channel kid I think I'd have to go with um yeah I think I'd have to go with like uh Miley is an obvious Hillary obvious who didn't love Lizzie McGuire I mean that's what dreams are made of um you know what Brenda song oh and Selena Gomez Wizards of Waverly Place banger uh I was a late late comer to the Disney Channel crowd I still enjoyed it though I was I was late to the party because we didn't have cable until I was a little bit older and by a little bit older I mean when it was an appropriate time to watch those types of shows so I came in at the right time next question has Jason mastered putting his daughter's hairs in a ponytail I struggle with my daughter's hair um Jason does sometimes get involved in the hair routine especially on school mornings because we're just sort of I mean running around like chickens with our heads cut off he I will remind you guys that he did have long hair at some point himself which he often wore in a man bun he likes to go for a bun when he does their hair I will tell you why it has the patience to allow him to do it but the other thing I will point out is that he has man mitts and by that I mean his fingers he played football for a long time puppy do not pee in this house hold on let me let her out that was silly and you look silly because you don't even fit through there she literally got stuck I had to pull the fence like this so that she could get her ass back through she's good dog she's just a little sneaky years of football has made his hands his dexterity is challenging so sometimes when he's doing hair he doesn't bend his hands and the craziest part about that he does it with like the palm of his hands the craziest part about it is and this is a running theme when I talk about my husband is that he still nails it which is very annoying he's good at everything and it's a pain in my ass but I do think he had some practice because he used to wear a man bun so now he does try to do buns they're lower than I would put them but they always come out looking good so annoying this is why I married him at least I can be on his team this person asked when is the suck my ass merch coming whenever you want literally the next drop we'll have an SMA maybe we should just embroider SMA on a sweatshirt and then people will be like hmm I wonder what that is it means and then when people ask you you can go suck my ass like imagination okay that's it all right that's it for ask me some things I'll be back after these messages from me if you're a real one you know I was very reluctant to embrace minivan life but it's been a year and I can semi-confidently say I'm all in I'm a little bit disappointed in myself and how much I enjoy the two-edged sienna but I do have to admit I like it we've taken the sienna on so many trips but I will say the best part has been being able to literally fit our entire six-person family in this car and the ridiculous things that happen in the back seat with four tiny humans ah it's nuts back there sometimes I pretend it's not happening I also have to admit that I'm a little bit disappointed in myself because I'm a little bit disappointed in myself because I'm a little bit disappointed in myself because I'm a little bit I also literally cannot lie I love the sienna's features the vacuum yeah the breakfast and snacks that come along in the car they're inevitable I've tried to stop them and I can't so the vacuum is unreal the trunk space also I can fit a double stroller easily with room for more stuff that is what I need if you're looking not only for a great car to get you from point a to point b but also a space that you can basically fit your entire life into I highly recommend the toyota sienna and going for a test drive at your local toyota dealership you can learn more at toyota.com backslash sienna and remember it's not the places we go but the people we go with that matter this episode is brought to you by invisalign look at her she did that ta-da in college I got invisalign aligners because I wanted to actually look in the mirror and feel confident in my smile I think that a smile is one of the best things that you can possibly have I think one of the best things that you can put on is a smile I'm not just saying that because it's like some old quote or something I'm saying it because I truly believe that when you can smile and really mean it like when it goes all the way up to your eyes because you're confident you're happy and you're feeling joy who doesn't want to see that more importantly who doesn't want to feel that but let's talk about something beyond how your smile looks taking care of it and since we've already established that I take flossing very seriously this part deserves a little attention invisalign aligners straighten teeth making it easier to brush and floss reducing plaque and lowering the risk of cavities and gum disease I have to be really careful to make sure that I'm keeping up with my oral hygiene because I have little muffins though that watch me and I need to make sure that they're modeling that same care for their own teeth back in college I was thinking about how my smile would look now I appreciate that there's more to it than that look at her look at her oh she's cute look at her wow and if you're thinking about starting your smile Journey make sure you're getting invisalign aligners look for the star flower logo on every aligner so you know you're getting invisalign backed by experience and trusted by doctors find an invisalign doctor near you today this football season whether you're buying tickets booking travel or shopping for team gear protect your pocket with Visa tapping to pay without checking which card not a pro move tapping to pay with Visa that's a pro move Visa runs more than 500 security checks to help identify fraud before transactions are approved so you can focus your defensive energy on other things like defending your nachos from your hungry hungry husband that might not be a pro move but paying with Visa is Visa the most trusted way to pay for football fans everywhere now before we close out this episode Queen Emma thought it'd be fun to debut a brand new segment ahead of Mother's Day and I thought it no I should have known that was in there I should have known and I thought it'd be fun to finally make her be on camera no um this is the agreement for doing a solo episode so bucket to Emma uh introducing what to expect when you've already expected now I say this all the time people see that I have four children to ask me about parenting advice as if I know what the hell I'm doing I don't uh but since this hasn't stopped anyone from asking I figured I'd at least attempt to answer some new parent questions as someone who has already expected four times don't pee in this house hey don't do it Queen Emma is a new mom to an almost two-year-old and asks me questions like this all the time Queen Emma what do you got for me today yes you know Simon my two-year-old Kylie and I ask you about him all the time yes and I'm so glad he's his babysitter yes Benny is his babysitter it makes a lot of sense I'm so glad that you forced me to come on today to talk about this but I do have a lot of questions so perfect first question is very important how do I get him to eat anything besides strawberries and mac and cheese it is you don't it okay great thanks I'm glad we did this segment um I'm struggling he doesn't eat how do you get them to eat it's so it's really frustrating no it's trash it actually sucks um I go with offer so if you make a plate offer other things one day they might try it they might and that's exciting uh but they're not he's not gonna I've I've talked to Simon he said no he actually said no so um I would So I would try putting colorful things on the plate, whether it's orange peppers, things like that, where you're like, there's no chance he's going to eat it. Put it on the plate anyway. Put it on the plate. Worst case scenario, you eat it on the way to the trash can. You could always cut it into pretty shapes, although I opted out of that way early because I was just like, they're either going to eat it or not. The other thing that I have seen that the girls and I sometimes do is we do different size bites of things. So you can say, how big of a bite would a mouse take? And then they take a bite like a mouse, so a little nibble. And then you say like, oh, was it good? And if they say yes, you say, oh my gosh, if it's good, take a bite like an elephant. And then they like shove the whole thing in their mouth. That's what I would say about getting him to eat anything besides strawberry and mac and cheese. I would like to point out one of my favorite stories about Simon is the fact that he got to go. To see his aunt get married in Italy. Queen Emma's sister was getting married and Queen Emma brought him Easy Mac. Yep. And microwaved Easy Mac mac and cheese in Italy. Tuscany. Yep. Yep. Yes. Beautiful setting. The best pasta in the world. Best in the world. We had to track down a microwave. Three and a half minutes, motherfucker. That's right. Yeah. He ate it. Yes, he did. That's wild. That's what matters. Yeah. That's what matters. Great. Well, I'll try the animal bites. That could actually, that's a good tip. I appreciate that one. Yeah. He, I think I've told you this. I've told you this before, but he does love cheeseburgers. But last night he said no. He said no to cheeseburgers. I don't know. Like, what do you do when. It's so funny that it's strawberries, mac and cheese and cheeseburgers. I know. I couldn't get one of my kids to eat a cheeseburger if my life depended on it. Cheeseburger. You know. I like that he keeps you on your toes. Yeah. He's like, you know what? I love cheeseburgers. Tonight, go fuck yourself. Yeah. Do you know what he said? Last night you said cheeseburger and he said, suck my ass. He sure did. It's like, I thought that was the sure thing. That's like, okay, we can get him to eat this. It's protein. They would feel good about it. Nope. Don't be ridiculous. It's just like, what are you going to eat? Okay. Air. Air and strawberries. Perfect. Yep. Okay. Next one. Next one for you. He did hit me in the head with a microphone toy the other day. And you know me, you know me pretty well. Not the best disciplinarian. How gentle parenting, not involuntary dental parenting over here. How, how do I communicate to a two-year-old? Hey, let's maybe not hit mom. Okay. First question. Did you fake cry? No, I should do that. That's a good one. Okay. Um, because even though you're not, you're an adult, so you're not going to cry. Maybe you will. Depends on the day. You know, I don't know. Some days I've been like, that was my breaking point. That was the straw. Um, I would, it sounds so terrible. There's going to be a population of people who are like, that's not the appropriate way to do this. And I don't know, guys, I've always said I'm not the appropriate person to ask these questions to. So that's the, this is the risk you run. Um, I would fake cry. I would start by fake crying. Um, I would do like an exaggerated ow. One of our kids, I don't remember who it was, went through a biting phase where I was getting bitten a lot. And something that I looked up said that you needed to be sort of more exaggerative in the response that you had and make it clear that you sort of respond in a way that they would respond if that were to happen to them. Um. So if you get hit, then sort of like this ow and sort of a crying situation and see if it turns out into like a, I'm sorry, or like a pat on the back or something like that. The other side of it is take the toy, especially if it's a toy that they love. I know that sounds terrible, but if they just pick up a toy and hate you with it, it's like if you take away the toy, it's not really going to have an impact. If he was playing with the microphone for quite some time or he was excited about the microphone. And then he hits you on the head with it. You can take it away and just calmly explain to him that we don't hit. And if you hit, you will have your toys taken away. Um, even if it feels like he's not going to get that, the point of that, I still think it's important to do that because they understand the tone and he'll probably understand it even if he ignores you. So be prepared for that. I would have loved to have been a fly on the wall for him. And then you just be like, okay. I think I did say no, like a puppy. We love a firm. No. Yeah. Yeah. But I can see it happening again. So I think this is, this is good advice. Okay. Thank you. Maybe. Yeah. Try an hour and a cry and also take the toy and explain why we don't do that. That's good. Thank you. And again, completely unqualified to provide advice to anyone. Perfect. That's why I came to you. Good luck. Thank you. Good luck. You'll need it. Uh, that's it for what to expect when you've already expected. Thank you. Queen Emma. Next time. We also want to hear from the real one. Send in your parenting questions for me at NGL with Kylie and maybe queen Emma will come on and read them to me. Yeah. Cause she loves that. Next up. The last thing on today's episode is a tradition on an NGL solo episode. Queen Emma has prepared one of her signature pop quizzes. We've done animal trivia. Gen Z. Slang pop culture twice. And today's theme is springtime. No, you don't get to air horn that you don't, you don't get to rally horn that no. I'm taking away your rally horn privileges. And this week the stakes are as high as ever. If I get at least no. Yes. No. What if it was, if I get at least six out of two, two, two, two. If I get at least six out of 10 questions, right? This episode is 59 minutes, 59 seconds long. If I fail you mother, you're mean. You're mean. This is mean. You're Vic. I feel personally victimized by queen Emma. Queen Emma gets a fresh springy 62 minutes. I would like to have one life. Flying one phone. A friend would be great. Thank you so much. Puppy. Don't do anything silly. Number one on Saturday, April 30th in the year 2011 future hall of fame center. Jason Kelsey was drafted by. Okay. The Philadelphia Eagles. What activity has Jason said he was doing instead of watching the draft on TV? I already know this. It's C bowling. The options were a ice skating, be playing a video game with Travis, or two. Or C bowling. Oh, or D getting his haircut into a mullet. That one day his future wife would admit she secretly loved on her very own podcast. No. It was C bowling. That is correct. I know it is. You don't have to tell me. That is correct. Uh-huh. Number two, April is peak breeding season for many animals in the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania, including our great native birds. Which of the following is an actual. Native bird of Pennsylvania. I'm so mad that you didn't put the tip mouse. A tufted tip mouse is one of my favorite birds. I'm mad that you didn't put it on there. The options are a black capped, chicky and P funny B the Eastern fart fart. That is a bird. My children would love C yellow rumped warbler or D large breasted, not hatch. I'm going to go with D large breasted, not hatch. That is incorrect. It is the, it's a yellow. Mother fucker. Trash actual trash. It's time for some spring. I should have phoned a friend and I should have called Lisa. I should have done. I should call my mom. Three. It's time for some spring cleaning. What common household item is known for its ability to get water scenes out of wood? Oh, easy. I got this one. A mayonnaise B cinnamon C dish soap D baking powder or E Benny's backwash. Uh, as much as I want to say E it is D baking powder. I know this firsthand because once upon a time, Baloo peed in the spare bedroom before we had four children and he, we didn't know it was there and we went in there to, um, get something and it was, had been under the rug and anyone that knows a hardwood floor, uh, and moisture held onto it by a rug doesn't go well. We tried baking powder, but it didn't work. I believe that's incorrect. It's speaking mayonnaise. I think you're thinking of baking soda. I am thinking of baking soda. What do you mean? Mayonnaise? You're not putting mayonnaise on a floor. Who figured that out? Oh my God. This is a dumb game. I don't like this game. It was, I was thinking of baking soda and this is a dumb game. Both of those things are true. It's a trick. question true at the same time it's yeah whoever writes these is really clever because you want 62 minutes okay i've had enough number four one of the most anticipated movies of the year the devil wears proud of two stars meryl streep as miranda priestly editor-in-chief of runway magazine how many daughters does meryl streep have in real life you are a jerk i'm going with two i don't actually know it's incorrect it's three okay well women's intuition is going to shit right now five during coachella weekend two headliner sabrina carpenter brought out multiple surprise guests during her set name one madonna suck my ass that's correct okay yeah no shit god 62 minutes my ass the philadelphia flyers are currently facing the pittsburgh penguins in the first round of the stanley cup cup playoffs yes go flyers what year was the flyers mascot gritty first introduced first of all outstanding mascot second e 2018 that is correct i know it is yeah there are other options i'm not even gonna bother reading them because they're silly and it was 2018 and you put 2019 in there to try and dupe me you can't on that one shout out to gritty number seven this is so trash what are the three spring zodiac signs you put this in there because you know i don't pay attention to this at all here's the deal aries taurus i couldn't tell you what's next let me think about it leo it's very incorrect leo is the summer we're looking for gemini okay great sorry no you're not number eight rita's water ice famously gives out free water ice to customers on the first day of spring which of the following flavors has never been a real flavor at rita's i think it's a or d so a is tootsie roll b is kool-aid shark berry sharkle berry fin c nerds grape ice or d sour patch kids red the reason i don't think it's d is because sour patch kid red in particular i think red is the problem here because they have a long-standing flavor now that is a staple it's not just like a limited flavor which is swedish fish i feel like that's too close to sour patch kids red nerds grape ice feels like something they would do because i don't know how many purple water ices they have tootsie roll feels a little far-fetched to me because they have a chocolate and i feel like if you said it was tootsie roll i'd believe you it's just a very mild chocolate flavor it's good i get it but it's not like anything crazy i don't know what the hell sharkle berry fin is oh no d sour patch kids red incorrect it's tootsie roll to be fair i said i was between a or d you did damn okay motherfucker number nine it's like i lost didn't i you're mean yeah do you want to finish it for the whole yeah i'm gonna finish it oh number nine it's late april which means it's basically may which means it's almost time for locals and shoobies alike to return to the shore which character from the nickelodeon classic rocket power originally coined the term term shooby um the options here are a raymundo b squid c tito or d twister i think it was a raymundo because that's the dad and i would assume that it is an original term it's great thinking i believe it's tito who's raymundo's oh friend best friend tito okay that's fair doesn't even matter now we're playing for fucking pretend number 10 like many creatures eastern box turtles jesus christ common from maine down to florida come out of hibernation in april which of the following is not a name of one of the most famous creatures in the world it's a name of one of the most famous queen emma's many childhood pet turtles c skipper d we did have a skipper d shout out to eloise yertle yertle was not one of our turtles you know what when i first looked at it i was like i feel like we've had this conversation before yes alphadelphia famously our first i knew that already yeah knew it already fun fact knew that one i didn't even i didn't even stop at her it's alphadelphia it's not i'm not a legend cool well it's a cool 62 i'm so happy for you thanks for my audio listeners my face says i'm actually not and that's a big fat lie can confirm yep come on come here you want to see how i know she was playing in a box what's that on your neck it's tape and that's it for this episode of not gonna lie you can find even more clips from my longer recording on my youtube channel on more shit monday i'll be she just sighed so hard like she was done with my shit i'll be back next thursday with a brand new episode follow us on social media at angel with kylie for clips throughout the week listen and subscribe wherever you get your podcast not gonna lie is wave original brought to you by lululemon thanks again to the real ones for tuning in and i'm so sorry about the solo episode this episode is brought to you by invisalign look at her she did that in college i got invisalign aligners because i wanted to actually look in the mirror and feel confident in my smile i think that a smile is one of the best things that you can possibly have i think one of the best things that you can put on is a smile i'm not just saying that because it's like some old quote or something i'm saying it because i truly believe that when you can smile and really mean it like when it goes all the way up to your eyes because you're confident you're happy and you're feeling joy who doesn't want to see that more importantly but let's talk about something beyond how your smile looks taking care of it and since we've already established that i take flossing very seriously this part deserves a little attention invisalign aligners straighten teeth making it easier to brush and floss reducing plaque and lowering the risk of cavities and gum disease i have to be really careful to make sure that i'm keeping up with my oral hygiene because i have little muffins that watch me and i need to make sure that they're modeling that same care for their own teeth back in college i was thinking about how my smile would look now i'm not going to be able to do that because i'm not going to be able to do that i appreciate that there's more to it than that look at her look at her oh she's cute look at her wow and if you're thinking about starting your smile journey make sure you're getting invisalign aligners look for the star flower logo on every aligner so you know you're getting invisalign backed by experience and trusted by doctors find an invisalign doctor near you today this football season whether you're buying tickets booking travel or shopping for team gear protect your pocket with visa tapping to pick up a pair of shoes or a pair of sneakers without checking which card not a pro move tapping to pay with visa that's a pro move visa runs more than 500 security checks to help identify fraud before transactions are approved so you can focus your defensive energy on other things like defending your nachos from your hungry hungry husband that might not be a pro move but paying with visa is visa the most trusted way to pay for football fans everywhere