Kylie & Nikki Glaser on Next Big Celeb Roast, Choice To Not Have Kids & “How Many” Kelce Nannies? | Ep. 86

Now you've said that there are celebrities that you will not make jokes about, right? Yeah. Oh, yeah. And who is that? Being a comedian, does that help you on the dance floor? And I said, "Well, I'm not the best dancer, and I've had a lot of rough sets." And he goes, "Whoa!" And I go, "No, no, sets, sets, like comedy sets!" How many nannies do we have? One. There's all these other messages in that of like, "Do kids ruin your life like heroin, of course not, but in like some ways could they?" She's closing the door slowly, and she goes, "Bissshh!" I'm not gonna lie. I'm feeling a little defeated about Halloween. And I wasn't feeling super festive until I walked onto this beautiful set, found these. For my audio listeners, I put witchy fingers on my middle fingers, and I'll let your imagination do the rest. I'm presenting them proudly though. Let's get this podcast started. Welcome to our second annual Halloween episode of Not Gonna Lie. A Wave Original brought to you by Invisalign. If you don't recognize me in this elaborate costume, don't worry. It's still me, your host Kylie Kelsey. My favorite Halloween candy is Twix. Ooh, I surprised myself. What am I ceiling from the girls' trick or treat bags, whatever I want, when they're asleep, or when they're not looking? Don't tell them I said that. We do have rules about how much candy the kids can eat on Halloween. It's not a lot, and we do ration it to like one piece a day, because they're crazy when they eat candy. The best Halloween movie ever is. Does practical magic help? I think I'm going hookahspogas. And proud wife to one of the newest inductees to the University of Cincinnati, Hall of Fame. That's right. Jason was inducted on Friday. We got to go back to UC. I always think it's so funny because, well, I don't have a college anymore to go back to. R.I.P. Cabrini. And so now, I like to think that I was adopted a little bit. It's so funny because when Jason was introduced, there was an acknowledgement of an accolade that may or may not be in the future. And I purposely did not clap my hands because I refused to acknowledge it. We're not. I understand how silly that is and I'm going to keep being me. Here we are. Now, I also want to shout out the comment section on these photos because I think after two years of my warnings, you finally get it. Someone said, "All I can hear is Kylie saying mine." That's correct. That's what I want you to hear every single time. I love that for us. Next person said, "Looking good, Jason. Her handle is foxy, lady, but I'm going to let it slide just this once because you were okay." And the next one, "Congratulations, Jason, looking good in a suit respectfully." It actually says that. Key word respectfully. Now, don't make me regret giving you praise because there may be something coming that could end up as a thirst trap of my husband. There is a new, what is called, Kelsey versus coming out. The thing that Jason went up against this time was sumo wrestling. So first of all, if you haven't checked that series out, you absolutely should. But if you do check out the sumo episode in particular, just remember that when you see that little chicken ass, it is mine. All right. Now that that's been addressed, let's get into it. Coming up on today's Halloween special, I'm going to get honest about how the month's long Halloween costume saga has played out in the Kelsey household. We also have a real spooky doom scroll with some Kelsey inspired costumes and the funniest kid costumes I've seen on the internet. After that, I'm going to be joined by one of the funniest comedians ever, the queen of roasts and hilarious host of Golden Globes, Nikki Glazer is here. Before we get to all that, a couple very fun NGL announcements. First up next week, you're getting two new episodes of NGL, one on Tuesday and one on Thursday because when you have an opportunity to talk to guests as special as this, you say yes, no questions ask. We never said I should give guests hints again and she will strategically bleep them. Our special bonus guest on Tuesday, she's highly requested. She's a professional. She's a big fan and a friend of the family. Then on Thursday, 11/5, she's from Texas, but not a Cowboys fan, don't worry go. She's someone real ones likely watched on HGTV. She has kids, the most beautiful hair I've ever seen and her name is my nickname. That's all the hints you're getting tune in on Tuesday and Thursday to see if you guessed right. And next announcement, we have new fall merch real ones and it's available to order right now at ngalkyly.com. Queen Emma has some photos of the new stuff right here. Let's check it out. Okay. Guys, first of all, stadium bag. Super helpful. Second, love an SMA keychain. We're big on backpack keychains in our house right now. So, um, don't put the SMA one on your kids backpack or do honestly. Anyone have a kid like Samantha Marie Adams? Get her that. You know, there is a long sleeve shirt that says express yourself one bird at a time. Isn't that nice? I like that. You're going to want to get one of these wooden spoons for bird watching season because we need all the help we can get. Am I right? And guess what? We have another special merch announcement coming up in this episode. So, keep watching because you're not going to want to miss this. It's a special discount alert. Who said that? Anyway, all right. That's it for announcements. Let's get right into real one comments of the week. Our comments this week are from NGL subreddit. Oh, that's exciting. Uh, someone said Kylie was a guest on IMO today. That's the podcast Michelle Obama does with her brother Craig. It was very enjoyable. And before anybody asks, Kylie didn't curse. Thank you so much for saying that. Thank you for noticing. Um, you should really stay tuned for my conversation with Nikki about cursing because it perfectly addresses this situation. Someone else said I watched it and I was wondering how much she was sweating LOL. Thank you for bringing that up because a lot. It was a lot. I feel like I had control over my upper lip. I was sweating less this time. First of all, it was in person. We got to start out with like the most wonderful hug hello. And that really put your mind at ease. And then also Michelle and Craig, isn't that so silly that I use both her first names like we're like chilling. Some of the most warm, incredible, comforting people to end up in a conversation with. It was such an absolute delight to get to talk to them. But like clockwork, a media outlet simply had to create a clickbait headline that's earning them my official SMA of the week. That's right. E news is the culprit this time with the headline. Kylie Kelsey reveals how many nannies she and Jason Kelsey employed for their four kids. Guys, what? What do you? Okay, let's discuss why this is so crazy. The comments will inform you of that. This comment from Christa Garvin said, so one question mark, LOL. Someone else said, it's okay to have help with children. Look at these comments passing the vibe check. Christa, thank you so much for explaining how silly this is. How many nannies do we have? One, we have one nanny. And then we have family members. I truly believe that it is a wild thing to focus so heavily on the help that we have because it's either that we pay a nanny or we send our kids to daycare, which most other working parents do. This is not groundbreaking. So you guys kind of suck for trying to make this a story, because it's not a story. You said how many? How many? How many? One. We have one nanny. All right, that's it for your real one comments of the week and your SMA of the the week. So just in case that was on clear e-news suck my ass. Next up, a special Halloween edition of "Can I Be Honest" brought to you by Pandora. This week, "Can I Be Honest" about Halloween as a parent? Guys, I'm tired. The whole Halloween costume debacle. Here's how I'm settling my thoughts about it. I think you purchase Halloween costumes and for the people who I've seen a lot of people discussing online that it's very disappointing to purchase a Halloween costume for one day. Guys, that's dress up. That's dress up play for until that thing gets destroyed by being worn too much. I'm adding the costumes to the dress up closet, regardless of if they're worn. Right now, we have Nova from Zombies 4. We have Red from Descendants. We have Queen of Hearts because Benning wanted to wear Red lipstick or Layla from Team Beach Movie. I don't know which one. So just let's, I don't know which one yet. I can't help you. I think that's gonna be a game time decision. And Finney is a cupcake. There's a headband. Zero chance she wears it. It's what ties the whole costume together. It's so cute. It's a little cherry on top. It is adorable. If I can successfully get a picture of her wearing the cupcake topper without it being disrupted or removed, I'm calling Halloween as a whole, a win. Jason, I don't know what he's going to be but I know that I purchased him a Bugs Bunny costume. Why? I couldn't tell you. It was on the website. I'm not going as anything. Unless Jason chooses not to wear his Bugs Bunny costume, then maybe I'll pop on a two X Bugs Bunny costume. Could be kind of fun and cozy. I did not feel pressure to get the girls in multiple costumes. I think this is a me problem. Next year, I want to lock in who they are early. And I want to be like, hey, this is your choice. Now you're living with it. To be fair, some of the other costumes, the Tinkerbell costume, the Jasmine costume, I ordered independently of my kids. My kids had made a choice and I thought to myself, me, me, me, they might be this. And then they said, no. So that was on me. One thing that I do have, I have questions about it and also I'm jealous. Trunk or treat, what's up with that? What are you guys doing? My understanding is that you go to a parking lot, you decorate your trunk. It has a little bit of a theme. Maybe something popping out of the back and then you have a little table in front with your candy. First of all, love that it's one stop shop. Love that. Second, love that it's all in a tight spot. It's organized. You go in order around. Third, I love creative people. So I love the idea of decorating your trunk. Would it be me? Probably not. Maybe this is why I've never been to a trunk or treat. Someone will find me. I'd like to come. And that was it for, can I be honest about Halloween brought to you this week by Pandora? Now let's keep it moving with Doom Scroll the week brought to you by KitchenAid. Make more than meals. First up on Doom Scroll ahead of Halloween this weekend. I have to issue my annual reminder. Guys, do not dress up as me. Don't do that. Queen Emma, let's see it. What the fuck do I care about a game day fit? This guy's game day ready, baby. Some people go to play football and some people play dress up, okay? I don't like to play dress up. I like to play football, all right? Yeah, that's it. She's rocking the classic 62 did this T-shirt. I do have to respect that. That is a pull. That's a deep pull. I think that's what the kids would call it. That shirt was made for me by Annie Elliott. And I wore it proudly, but I would like you to not. Don't do that. Queen Emma wants me to give advice if I had to for a Kylie costume. I refuse. We're not doing that. We're not participating. Queen Emma says you could be cow girl Kylie from the garage beer commercial. No, you couldn't. You could be postpartum Kylie from the podcast episode. We did immediately after I had fin. No, don't do that. Or ocean drive fundraiser, Kylie. This could actually be pretty comfortable. But also don't do that. Easy. And lastly, I got to give it up to this toddler's parents because he probably had the most unique costume on the block. Let's see it, Queen Emma. After a year old says he wants to be a KitchenAid mixer for how long? Wow. That's outstanding. That's a really good. I absolutely love a homemade costume. I think it adds something that is just, you know your kid's not going to have the exact same costume as somebody else, which nowadays kids pick this literally. I mean, last year guys, we had two honest two else's. Perfect example. This is amazing. The fact that first of all, this child is experiencing his KitchenAid mixer in his household enough and in a positive way that he was like, I want to be that outstanding. No notes. He has to love baking with mom. I think that that's a given or like cooking baking with mom. And that's so sweet. I will say just to level up this costume, I'm not trying to nitpick here, but if we wanted to maybe pop a little light right next to that, right next to the attachment, the mixing attachment, he could have been the new luminaire stand mixer that I just got. You just think maybe level it up a little. Also while we're here, a moment for some of the best viral toddler costumes of the past couple of years, this little boy went as pants. That's it, that's the whole sentence. He went as pants. There's a book that I wouldn't be surprised if he got this idea from. Or maybe he's super creative and just wanted to be pants. There was also this little girl who went as a chair. Okay, whoever made that costume, you nailed that. What a neat looking chair. The sad thing is, is like these are funny in like an unintentional way. Like I'm pretty sure these kids were just like, I want to be a chair, like outstanding. My kids have not done that yet. So maybe they're not funny. That's disappointing. I could, I feel like I could make a chair. So a chair would be cool. I want to know if they're gonna, if any of them are ever gonna pick something a little bit more obscure that I can help them with. 'Cause I feel like I could get crafty. I have gotten crafty before. Once upon a time, I made a corn on the cob and a pea pod. We threw it back, my sister and I were that when I was little and my mom made it. So then I made it for the girls. I was literally stitching it as they were putting it on. Because procrastination. All right, that's it for Doom's Girl. The week brought to you by KitchenAid. Next up, she's the Emmy and Grammy-nominated comedian. You know her from specials some day. You'll die and good girls. She absolutely destroyed her roast of Tom Brady. She's about to be a three-time golden globe host and you can see her on her stunning tour, Nicky Glazer. She's coming up right after this. Cheese. Did I do it? For my audio listeners, I'm smiling at the camera. Today's episode is brought to you by Invisalign. As a mom, I spend a lot of time trying to get everyone else to smile for a picture. But this time, we're talking about mine. I had Invisalign when I was in college. I was sick of seeing my teeth and my focus going straight to them every time I smiled. It bothered me and really only me. But that's why I wore Invisalign. Ooh, ah, wow. There are always a million things I need to remember. Play dates to get to and podcasts to film. And somehow, whatever I wanted to do for myself becomes, I'll get to that later. But being a mom doesn't mean the things you want to do for yourself stop mattering. For me, having a smile I feel good about is one of those things. And I'm glad I chose Invisalign treatment because they fit seamlessly into my life even as a busy mom. Not only are Invisalign aligners, the number one doctor recommended a clear aligner brand, but they are honestly really discreet. You couldn't even really tell that I was wearing it. That was really exciting for me. If you've been thinking about straightening your smile, consider this reminder. You're allowed to be on the list too. Find Invisalign doctor today. This football season, whether you're buying tickets, booking travel or shopping for team gear, paying with Visa is the ultimate pro move. Not gonna lie, forgetting your diaper bag when you've already driven to the stadium, not a pro move. Paying securely with Visa, that's a pro move. Visa runs more than 500 security checks to help identify fraud before transactions are approved. So you can focus your defensive energy somewhere else. And now I teased it earlier and here's the reveal. Visa card holders can shop our limited edition NGL game day essentials collection available exclusively at visa.nglkiley.com. In this collection, we have a t-shirt that says bird watching season. We also have an NGL beanie, a stadium bag because everyone needs those and some key chains to go along with it. You must use a Visa card at checkout. Visa card holders receive 20%. and off automatically when purchasing from the collection with a Visa card at checkout. Now that's a pro move. Visa, the most trusted way to pay. Life is made up of bright magical moments, and it's time we illuminated every one of them. The KitchenAid Design Series Luminair Stan Mixer doesn't just reflect light. It becomes a spotlight for the milestones that define us. It has a fluted hardened glass bowl which captures and defuses the light from the new Artisan Plus integrated bowl light. And it's so pretty. It can just sit right on the counter, and it's a new Stan Mixer color, blue peppercorn, crinkle finish. Guys, it's almost like our NGO blue. It's like they know. From the excitement of collaborating on a holiday feast to the flower-dusted laughter of a birthday bake-off, it shines a light on the connections that truly matter. Also, it now has 11 speeds, including a half speed. Perfect for when I have little helpers in the kitchen. Flower won't go all over the place. We can start it slow. The girls really do love to help me bake. They get very excited. And it's such a fun activity for us all to dive into together. You can now achieve effortless accuracy of any recipe and make it look like a piece of cake. Make more than meals with the KitchenAid Design Series Luminair Stan Mixer shop now. Happy to be watching Dancing with the Stars. Here and there. Our house calls it Dancing in the Stars? My three-year-old. We'll watch Dancing in the Stars. That's so cute and that's much more beautiful. It is. Yeah, until they're like grinding on the foot, like they do, like I said, and I'm like, "Whoop! Oh, hey!" It does get a little spicy. It gets a little raunchy. It does. It's like that's the nature of the dances, right? Yeah, it's like it's dance, so it's like, excusable. But it's sometimes I go, "This should be an only dance." What are you doing? Yeah, it's close on or off. It's, but it's, it's fun. I like watching it. I did it. And I, I love watching it. I heard that you said you would go back for a, a loser's season. Like, first voted off. Everyone's first voted off. Yeah, it feels very aggressive to call it the loser's season. But like, I was. And it was so embarrassing getting first voted off. And it was like very, it was, it was really good for me because it, it was so humiliating because I actually really cared. And I actually thought I had a chance of not winning by any means, but just like lasting on the show and getting better. And, and to be voted off, it was just, it was like getting told like you're not, you're not long. Don't come back to saying that. Yeah, exactly. It was like, it was so humiliating and it felt like, oh, I felt like, oh, people that my peers and comedy are like, why are you doing this show? And I'm just like, I can dance. And I'm just like so involved in it. I'm like, I'm a dancer. And to be told like, no, you're not, you suck. And, and to even try, like to try and fail is so embarrassing. And I learned in that moment, like it doesn't really matter. Like I thought it was going to follow me the rest of my life. The only one talking about it is me. No one remembers I was even on it. And it was fine. Like it was embarrassing in the moment, but it's led to, it's really funny to be the first voted off something. Much more funny than the fourth voted off. Like it's, it was a better story. Oh no, first voted off. First voted off way funny. It's crazy. It's crazy. It was, and I mean, I'm not even going to go into detail of who else was on the show because I don't want to get mean. But like, I shouldn't have been first voted off. A guy named Bobby Bones. And I was told this before, but Tom Bergeron, and like it was like right after I did my first dance. And I, it went okay because I didn't fall. And I was like, success. Like I didn't trip and fall. And I was like, I'm a dancer. Cause they told me to say that. The audience wants to like believe in your hope. So I got done, I don't think I'm a dancer. But I'm like, I'm a dancer. I'm saying it kind of like, obviously sarcastically. And Len Goodman, the judge goes, no, you are not. And was like, that was so awkward. It was so bad. And I'm just like, and then Tom Bergeron like interviewed us. And was like, and that was, I went up to Tom. Cause like he was really friendly to us. And I said, Tom, what are you going to ask me in the live interview? Just because that's the only thing I'm good at is like talking and coming up with something quippy and funny to say. And he goes, he's going to do it on the fly. I don't really know. And I go, just let's play in something. But he was like, I just like to do it on the fly. So I'm like, okay, great, whatever. I'll be fine. And he goes, what is it like, you know, being a comedian, does that help you on the, on the dance floor? And I said, well, I'm not the best dancer. But I've had, and I've had a lot of rough sets. And they, and he goes, whoa. And I go, no, no, sets, sets, like comedy sets. Not, not, and he goes, we don't talk like that around here. Like everyone's like booing. And I'm already getting scolded of like, you don't be dirty. And I wasn't being dirty. I was being, I was like my best behavior. And I said sets, but they all thought I said sex. And so then to save it, I go, well, I've had both. And then they were like, and they were like, she did it. She went there. And then I was out. And I don't know if that's, I don't think that's why it was out of many factors. But I think that might have been why we're, maybe. You said roughsets. I've had a, can you imagine? I'm saying, when they're asking me, you're a comedian. How is it like being on a dance floor? And I go, well, I've had a lot of roughsets. So what, that doesn't even make sense. But I've learned recently, like you, not even recently, in that moment, I learned you can't use like comedy jargon. Like I didn't realize set was like jargon. It's not layman's terms. Yes, yes. So that, that's on me. What I learned from it is it's not embarrassing. I, it's okay. If you're embarrassed and you think it's never going to, you're never going to escape it, it will go away. It's like, you'll be fine. People have such a short-term memory. And it's also the new cycle, right? Like, exactly. It all goes away. But it feels really bad in the moment. But it's kind of exciting to, to be humiliated. It's kind of like, kind of fun. It makes you feel alive. It does make you feel, it does make you feel alive. And it makes you realize who your real friends are. And it makes you realize you're not that important because you think everyone's going to care and then they don't. You're like, oh, no one's really thinking about me. So this is okay. You know what I mean? Like, does that help comfort you ever when people go? No one's thinking about you. Like as much as you think, not because you're not like me, and you don't worry about what other people think, which is so great, and I want to get some. But it does help me to go like, no, no one's really thinking about me. It doesn't matter. I can, I mean, yeah, because sometimes my mom will be like, should I wear this? I go, no one's looking at you tonight. Like, no, it doesn't matter. And she goes, that hurts my feelings. You're saying, I'm not being seen. I'm like, no, no, no, that's not what I'm saying. You're going to be seen. But no one's going to care if your belt is matching your shoes. And she feels sad when I tell her that. I feel reing. This feels very much like putting a bikini on and going out on the jersey shore. Oh, because I'm like, no one's going to be like, I'm going to watch this person all day to see how their body moves when they get up from their chair, when they unfold themselves and they still have creases in their belly. And like, no one's going to know one cares. Same with a gym. Like, I remember being very scared to go to the gym, because I wouldn't know what I was doing, or I just looked away that I didn't want to look. Then you go to the gym and you realize everyone's looking at themselves. Yeah, they're not even looking at you. We're like a, I used to be terrified of taking classes, because I would be worse than the other girls. And they would all laugh at me. Everyone's dying. No one is looking. I've never looked at anyone else in my class. Any, any cycling class I've ever been in. The first couple of times I signed up, I was like, like, people are going to see me dying. People will see me like on the brink of death. Yeah, just like peddling for my life. And after two classes, I'm like, oh, everyone's dying. Everyone's dying. You never get better. Oh, right. It only gets, what is the thing? You don't get, it doesn't get easier. You just get stronger or something. But it's always hard. And everyone's dying. And if someone's looking at you, they're not working hard enough. Yeah. And it's also, it's their own insecurity. But it's hard. Especially like, my new thing is like, I don't read my comments ever, like, good or bad, which is kind of, you don't even get good. So I'm like, I don't even know where I stand. I never get any good because I can't read the bad. So I avoid the good. And I don't even believe the good because it's all just. Mishmash. Yes, yes. So I don't pay attention to any of it's bots. It is. I know, but like you don't know. You don't know. So I don't really, it's user 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, you know what I mean? People don't usually do an eight digit number after the initials. That's a really good point. Yeah. Okay, so, but I don't read any of the comments, or if I see a headline with, or a post with my name in it, I'm like, ah, and I go past it so fast. And so I teach my algorithm like, I don't want her. And, but then I read other people's comments. And then I go, what must they be saying about me? And then it's so much worse of what I imagine is happening. Sure, because I'll tell my assistant like, just, will you monitor this post? Because I know they're going to be nasty on it. And she said, they're not saying anything. What is your algorithm? What are you reading? And I'm like, well, I always read comments to see what people are saying. Do you ever pop in the comments? Do you ever like, I have, I popped in, you go toe-to-toe? I got mad last week because, do tell. Okay, the Victoria Secret Fashion Show. I didn't like, I watched it because my, like, assistant and my, the girl I was doing photography were Gen Z. And they were like so excited. And the next day, they were like, kind of, we were on the road together. And they're chatting about like, oh, and did you hear everyone's like really mad at Megan Moroni? And I go, wait, what, what do you do? Why? She performed open the show and she had these big angel wings. And they're putting her on this little runway. And the models are like walking by as she's singing. And some of the models had to like dodge around her wing because it was taking up too much space. And she was not aware of the models in her periphery. And I'm like, and I watched the clip to be like, how bad was this? Was she really like knockin' models out of the way? She's standing stationary, singing with these wings that someone gave her on a stage that someone built that she had nothing to do with and these models are having to dodge it, but they don't seem bothered. They're just like, boop, boop, boop, like they're like fine. And people in the comments are so nasty. And they were like, how dare you make this about you? It's, it's giving selfish and like just crashing her in these comments. And because they were saying, my friends were saying, oh, there she's getting trash. I'm like, there's no way. This is so nothing. And I went in, they were. And so I got in there and I said, I just responded to some comment. And I was like, this, why would you, just something to the effect of like, why would you care about this? Also, this isn't her fault. She's just wearing the wings they gave pretty much what I just said. It was like, get, get in, get some interest. Why are you so mad at this girl? It's something else going on here. And so yeah, I'll get in there. And it's nice to be like, I, that's where I was like, I like having a little blue check mark because people pay attention to the right opinion that I'm saying, do you ever get in the comments? Do you have a good face? All the time. And do people screen chat them and like talk about it? I wouldn't know. I don't really. You were like follow up to be like house assistant occasionally. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Um, like what's an example of time you've done it? One of the ones that I did it, which was not to a person. So it doesn't really feel as aggressive was, um, it's like celeb homes. Oh, and they put like a bird's eye view of where we live with our children. And so I was like, and they were trying to give like details of our property. And I was like, hey, so like they were like, why would you need? We bought the house like next door to us. Why would you need this many houses? And I'm like, for fucking security and privacy, you pieces of shit. Yeah. They left the post so it's still there. You can still find it. I think I typed get fucked. And then when I tried to post it, it wouldn't let you. Why? I want to tell people to get fucked. I want it. You're so cool. I'm mad about it. Oh my god. That's what made me even more mad. I was like, I want to tell you to get fucked. Yeah. I love that. I want to get more, but I'm like, this is, this is what makes me feel good is like fighting for justice on there and standing up for people. And you know, I have like a Reddit burner account and I'll get spicy and defending my favorite like people, you know, and just there was something last night that I wanted to come. But now my burner's getting I'm just talking about so many things that are things I'm interested publicly about that. I feel like someone's going to figure out it's me. So I have to I have to like mix it up. Yeah. I just got to get a new one to start posting because I just want to most comments what I want to write is I'm sorry. Your life is hard right now. Yeah. And that you're taking it on this person who's happy. So some it was there was some post. I won't get it. But it was some post about someone I really love. And it was like just so snarky. And I'm like, you and they go and someone was confused like, why? Why is this a joke? Why is someone upset about this person? I go because they because it would make her happy and they aren't happy and they want everyone to be miserable. That's what it comes down to. I'm like, there's no other reason you just want to make people as unhappy as you are. But it's fun sometimes to tell people to get fucked. I am going to do it so much more. I think it's so cool that you said that you piece of shit. You said you piece of shit. Uh, I said whatever I was allowed to say what I did a couple times. Do it multiple iterations. I was like, get fucked. Fuck you. You piece of shit. I tried. I was like, I suck my ass. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. All of it. All of it. Oh, that's why when people don't curse, I'm like, how do you get the, how do you get the feeling out of your kids curse? No. So they have. Sure. But we, I'm just realizing I have cookie crumbs on me. Maybe it was blocked by the microphone. Um, they have cursed. But they know that it's a grown upward. Yes. I curse in front of them on a daily basis. Yeah. It's really sucked the fun out of it. Our oldest is really the only one who has found that it is satisfying. Yes. And so occasionally along the way and she hadn't done it in probably two years. But when she was maybe four, there was one instance in particular where I could just tell like you could tell you she felt it like to her core. Yeah. Her sister was inside the house and she was closing the door in her face like on purpose. Yeah. Because she's the first one. And she's closing the door slowly and she goes. And close the door. And here's the thing I always say. I think she always latched onto the word bitch because it's not a word I use very often. Oh, interesting. Okay. It's just not. Yeah. So I think it made it more exciting for her. Like she would never say fuck. She's a mom uses that every other word. It's not exciting. Yeah. It's not exciting at all. She's like shit. Mom says that nonstop. Not exciting. Bitch. Mom barely says that. And when she does, it's usually like exciting for mom because I use it. Yes. As like you're a baby back bitch. Like that's my that's making it general neutral. Get it? I love it. Yeah. I mean it's the whole like bitch aggressive to females. I'm out. Baby back bitch. Yes. It applies to anybody. She slowed. She slowed close the door. She used it so perfectly. I mean, honestly, absolutely flawless execution. How could I be mad? You can't. I was like, Hey, she was like grown apart. She knew. She knew. And I love her for it. When my nieces and nephews, if I cuss and they go, you said a bad word. And my my sister's like language you guys. And I'm just like, can we trust kids to know what's for adults and what's not? Yes. Like I feel like we've lost that sometimes where it's like parents don't want their kids to see anything. I'm not talking about like graphic things or anything. But like I knew as a kid, I can't drive a car because I'm not an adult. I can't say bad words. I can't kiss boys yet. Like these are adult things. Like kids are smart enough to know that there are things that are off limits to them. Not just like I can do anything adults can do because they just see it. Do you find that? I think that I think absolutely. I think to some degree, it also prepares them for life. Like the answer isn't always going to be yes in life. Like you can't just always do what you want to do. Right. And especially children. So like in those moments to know that there are boundaries. Like mom can say that. Dad can say that. You can't say that. Right. Like I can go out the front door freely. You are not allowed to go out the front door without a grownup. Like very different experiences of life right now. Yes. When you're older, let the fucking F-bombs fly. And to be clear, like you saying about how you are on your best behavior at dancing with the stars. For me, like I think people sometimes because I curse freely and I talk about cursing in a very positive way, people will be like, oh, you're not allowed to curse in this. And I'm like, guys, that's so much. I do it when I'm in like casual conversation. I'll do it. I can like read the room. Yeah. I'm smart. I can adjust. I'm emotionally aware enough to understand. I know you do like a radio. Now we're live. And this is Christian Radio. My favorite. So I mean, I used to talk about sex on stage. Do you go on Christian Radio? Could you imagine? I would love it. Because I used to talk about sex all the time on stage. Like that was what I started talking about when I was 18 when I started doing standup because it was the taboo subject and I was scared of sex and I was a virgin. And I was like, I just want to talk about this thing that I I have never heard anyone talk about. And so as soon as I started having it, I'm like, can you believe this? And I just wanted to like get the word out there for other girls that might be younger than me, like me that were scared of it. And like we're like, I don't know anything about what it was. And so I felt it was my duty. And it was my interest to talk about it. And now I'm like, I will never. It's so gross for someone to hear about my personal sex life. But that was all I talked about for literally 10 plus years in my standup career. I'm going to say that. Don't you think there is a switch of like, you hit a certain age, you are in a relationship with someone. Like now you start referencing things first of all to some degree, you're like, well, that was my past. And now my current like relationship has to hear about it. Yes. Or I'm talking about the person that I'm currently with. And that's we heard. I know. A lot of times I phrase it as ex boyfriend, but as a person I'm currently with to protect he knows it's him because it will be something maybe nice. That's happening. But then you're right. But then if it's an X and it's bad and it's still him, I can say it's an X and he won't know. So it's always an X. And my boyfriend currently is my X because we've broken up a million times. So it's not not even lying. I love that loophole. It's so great. But you're so right. Like it's just, it's it really I just get embarrassing because people will talk about like freely about my sex life to me. And I'm like, why are you doing this? And I forget that I've given them that license by talking about it on stage. And it's also something I always, because people were like, you're a sex comedian, when you're going to stop talking about sex. And I was like, when I don't like it anymore. And so it's I don't. And I've stopped talking about it. It's not really interesting to me. And it's something I want to avoid at all costs. And I don't I don't I really like I used to joke like, oh, when I'm pairing out of puzzle, I'll stop talking about it because I'm not going to want to have sex because based on women hearing them be like, I don't want to run my husband. And I'm there. I don't. It's not interesting to me. I honestly don't relate to the person I was that used to love it. I'm waiting for that person to come back. I'm waiting for my like, Kim Patrol. I used to love it and be so excited about it and want to do it all the time. And to me right now, it feels I was trying to think of an analogy port. It feels like when kids want to play tag with you. and you're like, I really. Remember when my aunt chasing me was like the most fun thing I could ever imagine? Like just being chased by an adult all day long, it's all you want. And at some point, you become an adult and you're like, I would never want someone to chase me. But at one point, it was all you cared about. That's for me what sex is. It's playing tag. And that is how little I want, where it doesn't even make, why would anyone want to do that? - Why would anyone want to play tag? - I'm waiting for it to come back. It's gonna come back at some point. - But old people love to play tag. - Oh my God, it's never coming back. - I guess it's all right. - It seems like not. - Although there's this new hormone replacement therapy. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Maybe that's laser tag. - Okay, that's laser tag. - I'm looking for anything. Like I watched heated rivalry. I felt something. I watched it with my boyfriend. I was like, oh, was he gonna not be, but he felt something too. So that was like a little bit of a woo. And we need another, I think we need to consume things. - A season two. - We need a season two of a gay hockey romance for my heterosexual relationship to keep going. - We need a season two of boy Aquarium. (laughing) And then we'll get it rolling. - That's awesome. - It's just, but anyway, here I am talking about sex, but the lack of it. Like that's interesting to me now, whereas before it was interesting, like I love it so much. Don't relate to that girl. Where is she missing? - Who is she? - Jane Doe. - So I don't mind if I can't find her. Have you seen this child? - Since we're talking about stand up, I'd love any excuse to play back some of my favorite clips. - Wait, can we just like say what it is and like not play it? - Yeah, why is that like watching your song to myself and watching myself? - Do you really? - Oh my god, Kylie, do you like do you? - I can't. - It's awful. - I genuinely. - There have been times where my husband will be like scrolling on his phone and a clip will come up. And I will literally before I can finish the first sentence of whatever I'm saying. I'm like, why are you watching that? And he's like, because it came up on my feet. And I'm like, turn it off. - Same. - And he will let everyone around me nose. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry if there's something. - Oh no, he's just sitting there basking in it. And I'm like, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. - I just did a photoshoot the other day. And I don't like to see. 'Cause sometimes the photographer would be like, do you like this? And I'm like, it's, if the chance is that I like it or slim because I'm just in, I'm too focused on my looks right now. I feel like I'm just trying to be a model and I'm not, so I'm already insecure. So if you show me, like I never want to take a picture and be like, let's look at ourselves because I have to look like that all night if I don't like it. I'd rather have a couple days than be like, I've changed since then. So I got the photos back and I'm like, the lighting and my hair and blah, blah. And I have no one else to blame but me. If I would have just looked at the shot, I could have fixed the things that I didn't like about it, but I didn't. And so I have to live with it. And so I'm not as good as I could be because I don't like to see myself. - June, no, I did that. I'm so bad about that. Pictures specifically that when I got my passport photo taken, the girl at CVS was like, hey, do you want to look at this? And I was like, no, that's between me and the gate agent. - I literally, I literally was like, I don't want to look at it. And then I thought about it afterwards after I got the little two inch photo and you had to see it eventually. And I opened it up and I was like, oh, she was trying to save me for myself. - Oh my god. - It was so bad. It like, you know, I like some of them end up looking like mug shots. - Sure. - Mine was worse. - No, no, no. - It's horrific. - Oh my god. - Horrific. And she tried. - No, I'm not taking this for you. - Oh my god. - She tried. - But you just tried it. - She was like, hey, you want to say? And I was like, no, that's-- - And the irony is you have to live with that photo for the next 10 years. And you didn't want to live with it for one second there. - Correct. - June's girl, the week Nikki Glazer edition is brought to you by Invisalign. - Okay, first clip. This is from your roast of Kevin Hart. - Okay. - From the Brady roast. - You really got to hand it to Kevin Hart 'cause he can't reach. (audience laughing) No, Kevin, I love you. No one works harder than this man. Do you know that every morning, Kevin wakes up at 4 a.m. to make a shitty movie? (audience laughing) And I love your movies. Or as I call them short films. (audience laughing) No, I'm kidding. I hate them. No. No, sorry, Kevin, I don't mean to belittle you, but you be little, man. Like you're a tiny guy. Kevin is 5'2", 150 pounds. 155 after the rock finishes. But. (audience laughing) - Now, in the caption, you thanked Kevin for having the best roast reaction. - Yeah. - Is this the best reaction you've had in real time? - It's one of the best. Like I would say that people don't really realize how, what we were talking about, comments under clips. Like you kind of will think of videos funnier. If a lot of funny people below it are saying how funny it is. You just subconsciously are like, I guess it's funnier than I even thought it was. So when you make a roast joke and then the person you're making about laughs and is like, or does the thing like what? Like a Kevin Hart, like, huh, you know, just adds the comedy of it and it means that they're signed onto it. So it makes you look better. So it's really, it's always been so important to me to celebrate the people that I make fun of. It's reactions when they're cool about it because it can just make or break the whole night for you. So the Golden Globes, like Leo, I remember did like a, at the like, did one of the meme faces. And that was like, that's just, when that happened, I was so worried about the series of jokes around that. It just calmed me so much because I was so worried. You know, calling Sean Penn, like I said he looked like an old leather handbag or something, like a, that you want to have sex with or something. So it was like, I was like, but you want to have sex with it. You know, it's an old leather handbag. It's nice, right? But seeing him, like, looking at, and I kind of blur my eyes when I look at the crowd and deliver a joke. But I kind of saw him like, like just smile a little bit and I was just so calmed by it because it's just, it's everything. When someone doesn't take a joke well, which I totally understand, I've been on the receiving end of jokes and I'm just like, what's like, that just ruined my life. But when they're able to laugh at themselves, when they don't really want to, no one really likes to joke with themselves at all ever, they're just being good sports. And I really appreciate it. So it feels very much like a cosine. Like they're like, that was outstanding. It just feels like they're just like, they're playing the game, they're helping you win. - I know, so it has to go good that you have that, like, appreciation of like, yeah, you nailed that. - Yeah, it's like, they're just, they have a chance, they have an opportunity to ruin it for you, 'cause they really could. Like, there's been some audience crowd shots that I've seen from other people that I've watched host things and getting ready, where they'll just be like, you know, and like, a ton of jokes. - Also, I remember one of that producer. - Well, absolutely that. And a lot of times the reaction shot, and there's one in particular that gets a lot of attention of like, she didn't get that joke. And it's like, she didn't hear it. She was talking to someone and taking a sip of water. She wasn't mad about the joke. It's not that she didn't have a sense of view. She didn't hear it, you guys. And so the reaction shot is not always off of what is happening. So I think a lot of those times it's taken out of context, but there is an opportunity for people to not have a sense of view about themselves and ruin it. And I just really, it just means so much to me when someone's like, no, I'm gonna help you out on this one. When I, even though this joke is making me deeply uncomfortable, and I hate the fact that you're even talking about me, and how dare you, you're just a comedian, I'm gonna kind of me award-winning actress. Like there is a power imbalance and it's cool that they're just like, okay. - Now, you've said that there are celebrities that you will not make jokes about, right? - Yeah, and who is that? - I mean, I will not, well, I won't make jokes about people who I don't think have a good sense of humor about themselves. I struggled with that with Sean Penn. It's like when I was doing the joke about him looking like an old leather handbag that I wanted to have sex with, I was worried that that's like mean. And like if I said that about a woman that's unacceptable, but I was like, well, it's not a piece of people like you wouldn't say that about a woman. I'm like, but I'm not. - You're right. - You're right, I wanted. - So I said it about a guy. - So I said it about a guy, but before I did that, I had to really ask around about what he was like to his friends and Jimmy Kimmel told me he's like, he's the least vain person I've ever met. And when I heard that, I was like, wow. - Green light. - Green light. This guy doesn't care. Me saying he looks like something is not gonna affect him if he's the least vain person. That would be my biggest worry is hurting his feelings about how he looks. Even though I do think he's very attractive, it didn't matter if the joke was mean, but he was absolutely right and he took it in stride. And then there's just like, there's some people to me that are just, you know, that I'm, I would not make a joke about like, let's say Taylor, who is, you know, everything to me, I wouldn't, I wouldn't make a joke about her unless I knew and I would feel like I would know what she would laugh at. So, but I would really not do that to anyone. I feel like the roast I don't like to get to know the people too much or meet them beforehand because I don't want to feel personal. And when it's not, that's exactly it. I've struggled to like articulate that feeling, but it's personal when I know them. When I've had to make jokes about Jeff Ross, who I know when I'm doing these roasts, it feels bad to me, but when it's someone I don't know, it's, they can just, at least they have the defense of like, she doesn't know me. - Right. - That she breathes a little fast on Wikipedia. - It's like surface level, right? Like you did your research through what everyone else can collect from me. - Yes. - And it doesn't feel like you're attacking them on a human level. - Yes, yes. And that, that feels safer to me. And they've signed up to be there. But at reward shows, when someone's like there-- - Minor detail, they've signed up to be there. - They have like, if they're in a roast, like on stage, they, if you have never done your research and watched roasts and how brutal they can be, it's on you that you get upset about it. - Yes, like that you sign up for it. I sign up for it too by being up there. But then if someone's in the crowd in an award show, they're there to accept an award or to be a plus one. It's like, you really shouldn't go for the jugular on that. And I try not to, but, but that's what the audience wants, it's kind of hard to give the audience what they want, but not offend people. But I just, I really am not a mean person. I don't, I know what it's like to have a joke written about you that you go, oh man, I didn't even realize people saw that about me and I've always thought that about myself and now it's out there in the world for people to make fun of, that I look like Larry Bird or that I don't have an ass or that I'm not that talented. Whatever it is that is my deep insecurity and someone broadcast it and then it lives on in a clip, that's haunting and I don't like to do that to people. I really do try to have empathy and be like, how would I feel if this joke was given to me? But I have to put myself in Sean Penn shoes, if I'm a guy who has like made his whole career off of being like a rugged kind of character actor, looking guy and I'm very, seem very confident. I'm like, oh, I probably wouldn't be my being called an old handbag or a leather couch or I forget what I said, but regardless of what it was, I did want to have sex with it and that's all that matters. The classic defense. Nobody said it with you. Now, is there a celebrity that you'd love to roast next on that like Tom Brady level? Oh man, you know, what was interesting to me about Tom Brady? I didn't do the Kevin Heart roast and it was many factors of like, I was busy and I just didn't have the time to commit to it that I wanted to, but it was just also like, I think Tom Brady was so interesting to me. I'd done a bunch of roasts before him and I was kind of like, I think I'm done with this, but then when I heard it was Tom Brady, I'm like, that's interesting because that's someone that like, it's pretty private and we don't know much about and there's a wealth of things to pull from, but also how cool of him to put himself out there like that. And I just really respected the decision from someone I would have never thought that would put themselves in that position to be made fun of. So to me, that was really fascinating. So I guess it would have to be someone that I would never expect to do it and who I thought, wow, I want to, I want to pay them respect by doing, by adding to this amazing night because I respect them so much. It would have to be someone, you know, like a Paul McCartney, I'd be like, I would do anything to do that, but not because I want to make fun of him, but because I want to honor him the right way. Right. Also one of the reasons I don't want to do one again is because I just don't want jokes to be made about me and out there forever in clip form, just a super cut of all the reasons you should hate this girl from Pete Davidson's own mouth. And you're just like, okay, great. And it lives on forever. And then that tells a generation of young boys how to perceive you. And I just, I'm not interested in that. But for the right person, I'd come out and do it. I really want to never say never. Yeah. No, the last clip is you explaining your decision to potentially not have kids using one of the funniest analogies I've ever heard. Listen, I get why you have kids. I'm not so naive. Like it's because you love them. It's because they, it's, that's a great feeling to feel the love that you have for your child. It's a feeling I've heard of and it sounds so good. And I might not get to feel it. And sometimes I get bummed out by that. I'm like, is this a human life worth living to not feel that great love? And then I think about, you know, you don't get to feel every feeling in life that's good, you know? Like I also have no plans on doing heroin. Like I hear that feeling. It's pretty great. I hear it's might be better than the kid feeling, to be honest with you. Because I know people who have kids who do heroin and they're like, kids, men, like, leave them in the car. Let's go get more hair. Oh, yes. That was a good one. Yeah. Oh, thank you. That was a good show. Sometimes you hear joke back to yourself. Like I would never remember that joke because it was a while ago, but you're so right. Like I, I know having kids would feel amazing. And I'm not going to do it probably in my lifetime. Who else is lifetime in my talking about? Why would you even say in my lifetime? Like, why do we need that phrase? I just realized that's, it just makes me sound like intelligent. No, the opposite. Okay. So I'm never going to have kids, but I'm also, yeah, my point was I'm never going to do heroin. And I hear that that's actually better than kids. A lot of people leave behind their kids to go do more heroin. And I'm turning down that every day. Then what's the harm? But that is, that's something I'm still exploring is like the, because when I wrote that joke, I was still like in my 30s. And it's like, maybe I could, but now I'm 42. And it's like the window. The door is closed. I didn't freeze my eggs. It's not like having my own kids is not something that my body is interested in doing even, even accidentally, you know? So it's not going to happen for me. And that's my new kind of struggle is like, oh, it was always easy to be like, I'm never having kids, but like I still could if I wanted to. And now it's like, I'm never having kids and well, that's, that's that and I can't know if I'm, I mean, I'm open to adoption and things like that. But it's, it's to have your own is it's a, it's a sad thing to say goodbye to even if you never wanted it. And it's something that I'm like dealing with. Now, one of the reasons why I love this joke is because there are a large population of people who take issue with the fact that there are women who choose not to have kids. Yeah. Which blows my fucking mind. That's nice to hear from you. It's baffling to me. I always say like I was always the type of person where I was like, if you want to have kids, if you don't want to have kids, if you want to take a different path to have kids, like to me, it all made sense. Yeah. Whatever makes you happy, whatever is your life plan. Once I had kids, I never, that was the moment I better understood the people who chose not to have kids. Okay. Like I love my kids. I would never give it up. Yes, ever. But I understand even more deeply why people choose not to have kids. Yes. And so the people who take issue with women who choose that or don't choose that are not able to whatever the path is. Yes. I it fascinates me on like the deepest level of just like you're a fucking idiot. Like the you think that that is what women were put here for, that we cannot provide anything else to the world other than like we're here to procreate. Right. We're just here to create babies. That's us. We're here to repopulate the earth. And the fact that you took this point and then used heroin was just like absent. It was like so poetic in a way of just like fucking you know, because it's the people who would be so disturbed with you not having kids. Yes. That are going to be like you don't ever want to feel that one day. Yeah. That's what they say. They're also going to be bothered even more so with the idea of heroin. When you find a logical fallacy of like it that just shuts people up. Yeah, you see that as you go that that is true though. So should I do heroin? And it's like, you know, I'm there's all these other messages in that of like do kids ruin your life like heroin. Of course not. But in like some ways, could they also like yeah, like, but I appreciate that. And I have become like sometimes when I talk about I don't I didn't have kids on stage with like childless women are like, and I'm like, I'm just kind of like, let's calm down with that. Like I just I think that because I don't look at myself as like, I'm a poster child for like you didn't choose to be a mom. Go get it girl. Get your career. It just, it's not like it shows a career over having kids. It really, it never occurred to me to have kids. It's just, it just was never a thing that ever even fluttered into my brain even once. Like it just never presented itself. And so it's not like I'm like pushing it down and I was using this. It just wasn't like a thought along the way. No, this is just how your life work. It you know, obviously I thought about it and was like, why don't I want kids? Why is this thing that's happening to all my friends in there? In my, you know, all my friends in our 20s were never having kids. And then they all kind of by mid 30s were like, I think I want kids and became pretty obsessed with it. And now they're all mothers. And I was waiting for that to happen to me. And I felt kind of broken. I'm like, what, am I like a real woman? If I'm not at least having the urge that I'm, I can push it down, but at least having the urge. And I just, I have to accept that that's just the way I am. And I just never, I never wanted it. And maybe that, it sucks that it could, I could change my mind at some point. And it's too late. That's what I really resent is being a woman and having this little window. Like I would love to be in my 80s. Like, I'm being like, you know what? Like I think I'm ready. Like I want to go to an adoption agency. When I'm 83, give me one and see what they do. Because why are we giving them to men at that age? They would never know. But you know, like I, I, I do leave it open of like, because I would be, I have no problem with adoption and things like that. But it's, um, but it's not something that's, that's popped up for me. And I, I, I do know that I'm missing out on a lot. I will say, and I don't know that this is correct. But from the way that you're framing it, I like sort of like the fluid approach that you have to it where it's like, yes, I chose not to. And it didn't come up. And now if I chose to, I could go to adoption. I could go and explore other avenues. Yeah. But it's not that like, it, I think that a lot of times people think that it's going to be like this, like declaration of like, I'm never having kids in that. I don't want them. And like, sometimes that's not how it happens. I think for me, it's like, if I'm getting to the real reason why it never, it never occurred to me is like, it was just a commitment that seemed like, you can't ever get out of it. No. And that is so, I'm, I'm honestly in awe of women who become moms because there's no going back. No. And almost, Literally everything in life you can take back. Every commitment you make, you buy house, get a husband, divorce, you can sell it. It's like, but kids. - Yep. - My joke is, you can't leave, you're not a dad. (laughing) So being a mother is the ultimate commitment and I'm completely in awe of my friends who do it. And everyone who does it because if you don't like it, girl, you got to stick that out. - Yes. - And it's incredible. - Well, 'cause I'm a little weasel, I don't wanna get out of anything. - That was Doom Scroll, Nikki Edition brought to you by Invisalign. Real ones know I love a theme to gift, but finding something that feels thoughtful can be a challenge. That's why I love Pandora. From charms to engravable pieces and sparkling designs, Pandora has something for every chapter, every milestone and every version of you. Look at her. Look at how cute she is. Beauty influencer. I have all of my kids' initials. I have cute little heart charms and some little shimmery ones. And of course some green football. I'll let you guess who that's for. I do actually have a Halloween bracelet, but it was stolen from me. It was my own three year old child that stole it from me. And that's just because it's beautiful and wonderful who wouldn't wanna wear it. Whether you're embracing spooky season with a Halloween inspired charm or getting a head start on holiday gifting, Pandora makes it easy to find something meaningful. You can find a charm for nearly anything. And it's something that honestly all fits together seamlessly. Here I have football, mom, initials. And it all goes together and makes this beautiful, really dynamic piece of jewelry. Honestly, there's never a bad time to find something special at Pandora. Make this season uniquely yours. Shop in store online at pandora.net. It's October 29th and I don't know what's scarier. My kids in their Halloween costumes or winter germs. Yuck! Spoiler alert. It's the germs. Honestly, we're in the rotation of someone's got bookers. Probably a cough. And hopefully they're washing their hands sometimes. Hopefully all the time, but it's hard. The good thing is CVS Health app helps me handle my healthcare needs all year round. And it's especially helpful for busy parents or caregivers because it makes the whole healthcare experience simpler and more convenient. The CVS Health app helps me get in and out of the pharmacy fast. I can pop in, pull up and scan my digital barcode at the pharmacy counter, and they know just what to grab from me. It also keeps track of my healthcare to-do list, so I don't have to. Plus, I can stock up on soap, hand sanitizer, Halloween candy, and more. Recently, I had to pick up blister pads. One too many times we're in the uncomfy shoes, but CVS had me covered. I also love that I can refill, track, and manage my prescription needs anytime. Go to CVS.com/app to learn more and download the app now. As a mom of four kids, seven and under, I've been deep in the potty training trenches, but luckily, I've actually learned a thing or two over the years. Distracting the mother on the potty so they stay there longer. And also, pull ups, training pants. Sometimes, there are close calls, and those can be avoided by pull ups. That's right. We've been using pull ups for four or five years now, and honestly, it is so helpful because sometimes, they just forget. And you end up with a puddle on the floor. The best one is when they can't tell you where it was. And so then you're on your hands and knees crawling around the carpet. And now pull ups has another reason I will always be a fan. They introduce the learning layer, and I'm all about this. It's designed to help kids learn the difference between feeling wet and dry. It's exciting, especially for overnights, because it gives the opportunity for the kid to feel a little bit uncomfortable when it happens, so that hopefully it helps their brain recognize that they don't want to feel it anymore. It's progress without the stress of the mess. It gives my tiny humans big kid confidence, while I get the peace of mind of up to 100% leak-free protection. Plus, it's dermatologists tested and safer little ones with sensitive skin. I pull ups with learning layer now designed to help kids learn wet from dry. - Well, you know what you can't give back? - What? - Not having a nieces and nephews. - Yes, how many? - I have three. - And they, one needs two nephews? - Yes. - And how old are they? - They are nine, six, and four, and I'm basing them tomorrow, and I am like filled with dread. Like, it's so embarrassing that I barely ever home, but when I'm home, I'm like, "Please, let me help." And they finally asked. And so I'm watching them from like 12 to 5 tomorrow. And I can't stop thinking about it. Like, I'm like, because it's riding me a babysitting and like, I'm going to be just like watching the clock. Like, when's the mother getting back? Like, I didn't like babysitting as a kid. I think I'm really scared of you. - The mother is your sister? - Yes, the mom's my sister. And I love these kids, but I don't have a great imagination. I feel like in playing with them. And I'm scared they're gonna be bored. I'm scared. Like, I'm just, but I'm so stressed out by it. I don't know, I really, like, it's so pathetic at how much I'm thinking about tomorrow and dreading it. And women do this day in and day out and make it work. Like, I have so, like, I have a newfound respect because I'm like, "Oh, I'm actually faced with having to watch them for longer than like an hour tomorrow." I'm daunted. - I think that there is a pressure specifically with like, kids that are not yours. Because like, all day, like, my kids, like, they don't leave. They're always there. Like, there's no, there's no, like, end is inside. - So there's not. - Oh, terrible. But like, they're always there. You turn around, one's there. You turn around, three's there. Like, you, there's always so going. - You were talking about, like, there's always someone touching me. - That's crazy. - No, always. - Wait, you're so right. Like, I never thought about motherhood like that. - Always. - Because all you hear mom's saying, like, I love cuddles with my kids. - Yeah, I do when it's my choice. - My body, my choice. Okay. - I, there's always someone touching you. - No, no. It's so much. - I cannot explain this enough. The, yesterday morning, I was making lunches. - Yeah. - I have one, a three-year-old on this side, a one-year-old on this side. Pulling my pajama shorts down on either side, thinking that it was funny, every time I had to grow out on this here and right. - I know. - On my shorts. And you're just like, literally, I should have closed the door. - Bitch. - It is, it's just, it's like, it's like, I don't know, sensory overload. - Yeah. - And then my one-year-old started pushing me back from the cabinets, like, from the countertop as I'm trying to make stuff. And I'm just like, get out of the kitchen. - No. - Get out of the, and you can't tell the kid, like, get away from me. - Oh my God, yeah, I'm a couple of times. - I have a couple of times. - Oh my God, of course. - Because he just don't stop touching me. - You need space. - Yeah, usually handle it. - Well, usually I'll say it, like, would you get away from me? Like, in like a suite. - Yeah, and then, then it's like flirting. - Maybe twice, I'm like, get away from me. Like, just. - Oh, when mom-- - We had too many warnings, we had too many warnings. - Yes. - You walked yourself into this for me. - Yeah. Like, the gentle parenting is-- - It's on me. - It's not you. - No. - You just, yeah, you don't seem like you're faking anything. - No. - Like, your kids get to reel you. - Yeah. - It's not like sometimes. - Well, parents said, like, moms who are like, we don't raise our voice in our house. And I'm like, how do yours fucking listen? - Yeah. - Like, there are times where, like-- - So you're like, three of them are yelling at each other. And if I do not raise my voice, like, that's going to continue until the end of time. - I don't know. - I'm so sad. - Oh, I'm kind of talking to myself as the kids are screaming around her. That's-- - Sometimes I also have. - I just can't stand the like, now that's not nice when you kick your hand in the face. We don't do that to people. - Oh, no. - And it's like, well, that's kind of, no one does that that's bad to do. We don't do that to people, like, it's like-- - Obviously. - Maybe some time, but it's, yeah, obviously. That's not very nice. Now, say sorry, I hate the say sorry, where I'm just like, he doesn't want to say it. He's not going to say it. Now I'm going to get sorry, like a fake sorry. But it doesn't feel good to either of us. Just let him not say sorry. I don't need thank yous and pleases if the kids aren't trained to do it anyway. - Do you know what I will send them back multiple times? Like my seven year old will be like, I'll be like, you cannot want your sister backwards off the couch. I need you, you need to go over and you need to go apologize for what you did. She'll go over and she'll go, sorry. And she'll walk away. And I'll be like, roll it back, walk it back. - Yeah. - And she's like, she's, I said it. And I'm like, that's nice. Walk it back. Give her a full sentence. I will literally, we'll do it like three or four times just to get her to be like, Benny, I'm sorry. I kicked you off the couch. - That's so great. - I won't do it again. - That is like, get, 'cause they'll just-- - That's crucial. - Sorry. - And they take it into adulthood. How many adults do we know that are going? I'm sorry, but you want to, and they do a butt. And it's a sorry. Well, yes, sorry. It's like people still talk that way. And a real good, like we were talking about before, a good apology really can just make everything better. And it's so important to learn how to do that. That's so good that you do that. - Oh, and we do it often. - That's sweet. It's sweet until you realize that we do it. Probably at least twice an hour. - Yeah. - Every single day you're learning from it. - No, it's not at all. - Not at all. - But it's somewhere there. - Yes, it's somewhere in there. - Yeah. - It's going good. Now, you're an aunt. - Yeah. - And we as Uncle Trab this question, because it was a TikTok trend. And now I want Aunt Nikki's answer. Would you sign your niece's, your niece or nephew's bad grade and not tell your sister? - Oh, that's a good question. No, no, I couldn't do that. Because also I would love for them to come with me with a bad grade because I'd be like, who cares about this class? It's not that important, grades are not that important. - Okay. - Like, you could be. anything you want. I would love the opportunity to do what I wish someone would have told me, which is like, if you get a B minus in this class or even a C, it doesn't matter. It's just high school. And it's like, so I think I would, but I would tell my sister, but I think she would be of the like, and I tell her, it's not the big deal. Let's not freak out about it. But I don't think I would, I don't think I would ever go behind my sister's back with with parenting. I just could, you would, I would turn it a heartbeat. Really? Here's what I would do. Similar to you, but like, in a more like theatrical way, I'd be like, oh, yeah, I'm going to sign this test. Don't tell mom, not a big deal. Okay. You don't need like, this is not the end of the world. It's one bad grade. Not a big deal. We don't care. I'm going to sign it. Secret safe with me. And then two weeks later, I'm going to tell my sister, but I'm going to be like, I'm only going to tell you this, if you think you promise to not freak out. I'm telling you because I want you to have the information, but the deed's done. You can't go back now. Yeah. You can't roll it back. You can't be like, hey, teacher, I know the two weeks ago, blah, blah, blah. No, we're letting it ride. But like, I want my nieces enough. You used to feel like I'm a safe space. That's so good. Because I want them to have other adults in their life. Like if there's ever a moment where they think to themselves, I can't call mom or dad. Yeah. That I want them to be able to call me because even though I will tell their parents whether they find out or not, I will tell their parents, but they will be safe because they're with a trusted adult. Right. So they'll they'll feel safe because the deed has already been done. Correct. Wait long enough that they have gotten away with it. Exactly. And it's good to go. And you wait long enough that it's not really that big of a deal anymore. The dust is settled. Yes. That's that's my new plan. That's what I'll do. Okay. That's way better because I want that trust too. You want to be the cool aunt. You want to be the one they can go to when having a party or call me. You need ice cream after that break up. Call me. You you your friend needs a place to crash. Yeah. Because he's too drunk and it doesn't like let me be a safe haven. Let me get them the gatorade. Let me get a ride. I'll call an Uber for you. I'm sleeping. Really? No, no, no, no, no. I'll call and I'll track you the whole way home. Yeah. You need to bury your body. Yeah. I've got a back yard. I have shovels. Yeah. Look at us. I want to be the trusted adult. Now that we've gone completely off the rails. My God. Thank you so much for being here. Oh my God. Thank you. This was incredible. You're awesome. I will say we this was a spooky Halloween episode. Yeah. We should we should address these. We just we're spirited. Sorry that we're festive. Sorry that we like to celebrate holidays. Sorry that we just wanted to timestamp this forever. Yes. That any clip would seem out of place at any other time of year. You know what? I want this to only work around the holiday season these clips. Let's do it every year. But the one other thing I want to tell you is your love for Uncrustables lights my soul on fire. It's one of my purse right now. It's getting me on the rack. Oh yeah. And guess what today I've discovered a new way to do it. If you're ever steaming glows run a steamer on that uncrustable. It is so good. I'm little warmed up with steam. Can I tell you do you want to know my secret? Yeah. Okay. My secret is I really like when the peanut butter is still just on the cost of being frozen. Ooh. It excites my soul. What about the jelly? Is the jelly is? No, the jelly is not frozen because it has a different freezing temperature. Correct. So you know what I do? Take it out of the freezer. I shove it under my leg. Yeah. And you lay it like a body heat. Okay. And then you're sitting there. You got maybe, I don't know, three to five minutes, right? You can't wait very long. Okay. Because that is, you know, you're hungry. You know what they're waiting. It's like, that's why I don't cook. I mean, that's why on there, it's like, hey, do not microwave us. We will be a molten lava pocket. You can't do it. I know. But you're so impatient. So you shove it on your little leg. Yep. And then after three to five minutes, you pop it out. The bread is soft. It's the peanut butter is hard. Okay. Jelly is three to five minutes. Okay. I love, I always sit on it. Like I'm laying an egg. It's so good. But try a steamer. Next time you're steaming your bones, just run a steamer on it. Even one that's already like defrosted. Yeah. Just heating it up a little bit is I didn't know. Have you ever popped one in the new teleones in the toaster? No. Nikki. Okay. What? What am I doing with my life? Get one of the chocolate ones. Okay. Put it in the toaster. My mouth is literally watering just the sensation of biting into one. Perfect. Um, you can get tickets to see Nikki on her stunning tour now at Nikki glazer.com. Watch steps on Netflix November 20th and watch her host the Golden Globes this January. Thank you so much for coming on. Thank you for having me, Kylie. I'm so excited to watch on the Golden Globes. Thank you, girl. And that's it for this episode. I'm not going to lie. You can find even more clips for my longer conversation with Nikki on my YouTube channel on more shit Monday. Follow us on social media at NGO with Kylie for clips throughout the week. Listen, subscribe wherever you get your podcasts. Not going to lie. It's a wave original brought to you by Invisalign. Thanks again to the real ones for tuning in. You can get tickets to see the Golden Globes. Thank you.