KT: Behind the Tape (Ep: 784 Yakov Smirnoff + Ari Matti)

Oh, it's fine. Oh, it's fine. Something are on Yeah Do it in your you could even do it in your auto-tune thing you got your auto-tune thing Oh damn You came with the cheap package today Oh, I like That's exactly you know me So you know me super racist The got the band member the band member that I'm always mean as to is Matt Muelling, but I'm a racist You I'm from Dallas, Texas man. I also lived in Trenton, New Jersey for a while and I was in the Air Force I'm saying we hear the Here to come come bomb something other than the Middle East, right? Yeah, when I first got here there was a dude who was saying that he signed up for four years in a row and didn't get picked That's in Sanities, but I mean there's like the same thing for a William Montgomery I think when he first got on it was like four years before he's Yeah, I'm from Chicago started comedy pure illinois home a Richard Breyer Now I'm a full Texan been here two years ready to sign up for like the 60th week in a row and knocking on It's 30 for me the dirty 30 that's my cousin too by the way This is Dorelle. Yeah, this is Q Rose Frank Caesar. Yeah, this is my cousin, uh, you see more brothers He's like Mark Wahlberg, but more autistic. Who's car we taking? That's my I can't drive All right, I've spent enough time with white people. I might get out of here. All right, guys You Kino Roll the last 10 seconds of the AI videos that they know what they're playing into It's very stupid, but you'll see why you're playing runaway Fest as you can So then so when on that can it should be your key By the way, and I and I was gonna say this and I and I hate giving musical notes, but I was gonna say this The drums are overwhelming on your guys's version Like overwhelming play that one more time. How where'd that come from? Is that you? So to what to smother out every other instrument Play that one more time play the actual version It should be de madness is base stealing the show. I'm just saying Heidi's parts in a jar would sell like crazy Oh my god, I remember to tell Monica that we'll just sell Self-empty jars and call it Heidi's parts in a jar Literally gonna mention it on the show tonight. I'm writing it down All right before we get into it I gotta tell you guys about something we just launched kill Tony plus here's the deal you sign up You get every new episode add free and uncensored. We're giving members a brand new angle of the show That's never been seen before this is as close as you can get to sitting in the audience You also get bonus content Q and A episodes behind the scene stuff extra bits You're not getting anywhere else and there's perks on the merch store, too It's five bucks a month. That's less than a cost of a beer or a pack of cigarettes or a lot of fun things Links in the description or go straight to killtony dot supercast dot com to join This is a very very exciting opportunity for all you die hard fans and super haters Go to killtonysupercast dot com. All right back to the show knock knock Who's there? Sue. Sue who exactly? Jesus Christ Anyway, this ad is for Morgan and Morgan Morgan and Morgan has been fighting for the people for more than 35 Years, do you know that red banner? I have your eight There are america's largest income injury law form form There are america's largest injury law firm with more than thousand lawyers and a hundred offices nationwide They've also recovered over 35 billion dollars for their clients and unlike red ban they can all read So if you've been injured because somebody else was negligent You probably have more important things to worry about than terrible lawyer jokes You can check out Morgan and Morgan at for the people dot com slash Tony Their feet is free unless they win and whoever wrote that joke should probably be sued Now back to the show Heidi's farts in the jar available now actually roll it him record Hello there. I'm pleasure Keep playing John keep playing that weird organ music Hello there. I'm proud to say you should go to killmerch.com for our new product Heidi's farts in a jar We're Heidi actually farts in a jar. You can get it now at killmerch.com along with a lot of other great stuff Go check it out killmerch.com You I got an organ my buddy owns the tattoo shop off there called paper grain Yeah January big time big time for years I know I want to show And that wind struck my house Oh my god The bad weather man ever ever since I met him It's supposed to hail tomorrow. Ah, there was a tornado at my place Winds were 90 miles an hour. I'm like wow. No one else in the no one else in the area. No one else in the metropolitan area had it Oh yeah got smearing off ladies and gentlemen Welcome legend. How are you? We're so happy to have you Make yourself at home. If you want to bite to eat we have a Unbelievable food. We have drinks right here. Make yourself at home When did I know? Oh a couple of months ago When I was here in April Tony Somian said I think you should do this Panel with me and I said I'd love to but I'm heading The tour European tour for two months. So he said well, let's book it after that. So that's what happened Yeah, and then and then I got the That Ari is going to be on the panel with me and that was That was interesting pairing and assassin and the Russian That's a little scary I think he's hilarious is so And they're jet again funny and just unpredictable. It's great. We're gonna have some fun tonight Very easy. It's very easy. The whole trick is to just pretend like you know the show like you're having fun They're gonna be my fans are gonna be watching to see if you want to be there You know what I mean? You're just playing with the kids today. No, you're you're you're you're you're just playing at the playground with the kids having fun Well, I'll only set you up for you to win all day all that Of course I've been watching it. It's like yeah, I show It's gonna be fun and easy. It's gonna be so fun. You're not gonna believe when it's over. You're gonna go that's it We did it It's about to little about two hours. I'm so close with Peter. I mean like so close with Peter and like you know one of my favorite things to get to do and always has been to do is to you know like Quentin Tarantino does it with great actors. He puts great actors that people maybe they forgot about them maybe they did this maybe did that but he finds the right role for them and uses them and just the right time and that's what I like to do in the legends of the comedy store. That's why you and Ari Maddie. A lot of young people are gonna watch because Ari Maddie's on it and they're gonna go wow who the fuck is this guy? He's funny old school that's cool they love old school because you guys just do jokes. A lot of people today is a long set up. A lot of blah blah blah with everyone like boom boom boom you know in the moment in the moment and that's what's important on this show you know don't over think things but if you got something go for it if it's free and you got it go for it and it a lot of people are talking because on this show there's a lot of mics and a lot of noise and stuff. If you have something if you put the mic up to your mouth and look right at me I'll set you up clean. So yeah what do you think about all this and then you will have it you know what I mean? Every time yeah and sometimes if it happens a lot I'll just nod in which means you know what I mean which means like go for it yeah yeah it'll be great it'll be great and sometimes you might not say anything for someone but sometimes you might have five days like it doesn't there's no rhyme or reason sometimes are you'll be dominating sometimes I'll be on a run sometimes red ban will be on a sound effect run or something you know what I mean like it'll breathe as long as you're having fun that's the whole secret because what people the fans don't like is they don't want to go man it looks like that guy didn't even want to be there you know what I mean exactly so just have fun I know it sounds corny but it's literally the best hit for being on this show yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah super stars these guys are going to all arena acts basically yeah yeah it's the best it's wonderful to see yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah okay he didn't come but she spotted he didn't come I guess I don't think I was like okay I want to do the problem okay that's about me to do the tonight show for years and Chip McColle was the eight keeper there he went out with me and one day a month and I bought my it's after six years like that she opened me in the showcase and and so one day he came and said young let's save time we need to get a child you'll get on that show when you go so I started watching weather you know it's uh you know it's not going to happen to you know I know it's cool and I did commercial and it'll be in Carson's choice and he said to McColle you know we're going to have friends yeah wow that's how you do it yeah McColle it goes oh yeah we're about to yeah of course but I yeah quickly go okay I'll talk to him yeah I love it put on your winter coat because hell froze over baby it's exactly what I mean after this was exactly what happened yeah I do my stuff I said I do my stuff I'm a person holding you the cow and then you know McColle gets me in Carson and in the break can you do another set like this couple of months right now I said I never thought it was when they held reasoned over is that what it is so he goes too shag so but I love it I didn't get that point but obviously when you get a break like that yeah yeah yep yep let's go eight to team we have a blind base player that's a fucking virtuoso unbelievable he plays every instrument but he's a master of the basic guitar I tell you I saw the madness at any of these last week and I mean listen to this and I mean fucking destroying on drums because I've only ever seen him on Michael set where he has to like learn where everything is in five seconds right beforehand dude when he has his own drum set it is crazy every I'm they're eating dinner I mean I'm eating dinner with friends and they're trying to talk to me I'm like I'm literally just watching D fucking overfill right he's doing shit nobody does now he was just on the drums I mean he was he was literally like at any of these of all places not even a fucking yeah yeah yeah yeah but I mean I mean seriously not doing good not doing great like odd jaw dropping I couldn't blink I didn't want to talk to anybody I'm like they're talking I'm like are you guys fucking are you guys hearing and seeing this I swear to God it was mesmerizing because he's normally on Michael's drum set I'm like oh he's great on the drums this is great when he knows where his fucking shit is it's absolute insanity obviously you guys know this but I I was I mean unbelievable he is a force of fucking nature it is crazy a super subon yeah I'm a man look at it oh yeah I like it yeah I can't I can't I can't I can't I said I can't oh okay I was like yeah all right cool we don't know what I want to do tonight we're gonna throw one in oh cool got a warm up the fingers in this part they all go that way but I have to go this way yeah I got some special or maybe I'm that someone will let me know it's so cool dead and death would take work off maybe odd god of plane run away fast as you ♪ You're care ♪ (audience cheering) (upbeat music) (upbeat music) ♪ And I always find, always find something new ♪ ♪ You've been putting up with my shit been way too long ♪ ♪ I still keep you from finding what I've been waiting for ♪ ♪ So I think it's time for the first to have a toast ♪ ♪ There's never toast for those fans ♪ ♪ There's never toast for those fans ♪ ♪ There's never toast for those as whole ♪ ♪ There's never toast for those as my fans ♪ ♪ Everybody in the eye knows ♪ ♪ There's never toast for those charcoz ♪ ♪ Everything they could work on ♪ ♪ Baby I gotta pick when the way's best for you ♪ ♪ I still keep you from finding what I've been waiting for ♪ ♪ So I think it's time for the first to have a toast ♪ ♪ I still keep you from finding what I've been waiting for ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ There's fuckin' four-meter suites ♪ ♪ There's fuckin' four-meter suites ♪ ♪ There's fuckin' four-meter suites ♪ Everybody's doing their job so perfectly that you just get like a magical moment with each person. ♪ There's fuckin' four-meter suites ♪ ♪ There's fuckin' four-meter suites ♪ ♪ 'Cause you know we say each other ♪ ♪ That's every toast for the blue spread ♪ ♪ That's every toast for the assholes ♪ ♪ There's every toast for the scum bags ♪ ♪ Every fun in the eye-cow ♪ ♪ There's every toast for the jerk off ♪ ♪ And every time we take a call ♪ ♪ And the eye-cow does play ♪ ♪ Runaways pass to you again ♪ ♪ There's fuckin' four-meter suites ♪ ♪ There's fuckin' four-meter suites ♪ It's a bit different. It's such a pervert. It's always like when there's a pretty girl around. It does like a little look to me. It's a dirty thing that men do. You know when a hot girl walks by and the eye contact that men make with each other? It says a thousand things. It's just so. And it's split second. We all know what we just. And it's beautiful. Oh, yeah, no. I didn't even. You know when you're like leading with a girl from a party and the last look you give to your friends? Oh, yeah. Oh, good. Yes. You know when you walk out with a girl, you go like, "Oh, what?" Yeah, you don't. It's just all they do to the doctor, like. Yeah. Like Alfred, with a bad man, you know. He saw a bad man. Yeah. ♪ There's fuckin' four-meter suites ♪ ♪ There's fuckin' four-meter suites ♪ Wow, fashionable. You late. So rock star. Oh, my God. Oh, I was at the police. I was at the police. I was at the police. I was at the police. I love it. I ain't no use of that at all. ♪ There's fuckin' four-meter suites ♪ ♪ There's fuckin' four-meter suites ♪ They're still going. It's unbelievable. They're still going. It's unbelievable. It's unbelievable. They're still going. They're still going. They're still going. They're still going. They're still going. It's unbelievable. ♪ There's fuckin' four-meter suites ♪ Oh my god, it's crazy. ♪ There's fuckin' four-meter suites ♪ ♪ There's fuckin' four-meter suites ♪ Oh my god, it's crazy. Oh my god, it's crazy. ♪ There's fuckin' four-meter suites ♪ ♪ There's fuckin' four-meter suites ♪ ♪ There's fuckin' four-meter suites ♪ The future, are you mad at me? Oh! Oh my God! Oh yeah! Oh my God, what a duo! Like a two year span, we all got together on a regular basis. You know, we've all disconnected to them, but I remember growing up, there were quite a few family, even in my town, and there was one family that also adopted the Russia. You know the one? How old were you? I was six, my sister was five. 90 more. My mom was a teacher before she sent my retire. Baby Jesus! Oh my God! Fuck it! You could be both. I mean, I don't know. You can take your babies out of dust over here rather than adopting a Russian. Your parents are insane! So what do you need for work now? You're willing to be in the American tree, you got safe. So proud of you. Oh hell yeah! Can you fucking read it? This is Joe Newcomer! Joe Newcomer! Did you get a large joke book? Yes! I didn't ask him. I almost got sex up on the way out, but. No, it's your hand got hand-ass. You got a big joke book? What did you get to talk about? You bring him 9/11. The bike shot me. What? One day? Joe, you fucking rule brother! That fucking shot me. Yeah. You got a big book! It's just Joe Newcomer. And I continued every day. If fucking lit me up that fucking microphone, you're right. You brought me off the ground. What did you talk about? What was your minute? Oh, Joe, is there anybody straight in here? Or is everybody fucking gay? I go, "I'm raising my hand 'cause I'm straight." And then what people. People were late. I'm like, "You're gay, it was too late." You thought about it? Yeah, it was lit up from there on, yeah. It was lit up from there on. It was lit up from there on, yeah. What is your thought process when you're coming up with your jokes? You viewed as a, like, a mathematical equation? Well, I guess I would say that the metaphor I have is hunting for pearls. So I'm looking for mainly natural pearls. So if I get a weird thought during the day, I just put it in my phone's a note section. And then I sleep on it. I, you know, sit up to, you know, I look through the notes and usually it take in the morning dump and, you know, every once in a while something makes a splash. So, anyway, you know, I sleep on the idea, sometimes the punchline comes. Sometimes you have, so that's a natural curl. It's just an idea that comes in your head and you can kind of put the pieces together. It's sort of a mathematical or, like, flowchart type of jokes. Sometimes I do that when I'm, you know, working for a roast battle, because you have to write jokes on a specific topic in a set timeframe. So, then you need the, like, fixed jokes structure. This is the information you have about the topic you're working with. This is the, kind of, spotlight of, you know, the weaknesses that you're trying to spotlight of your opponent, and then you kind of write the jokes so that the punchline hits all those targets. So, that's more of a mathematical structure. My stand-up stuff, like I said, is just ideas come, I record them, and then look to see if I can come up with something. I figure, if it's more of a natural curl, that's going to be more like my authentic voice. Then if I sit down every day and say, "I want to write jokes about socks," so, you know, then you have to sell a take on socks. If I don't have any genuine emotion about it, it's going to come off as even stiffer than I would normally. Now, you seem like such a, you have such a dad humor about you, but you said you're single? Yeah, well, there's no cure for dad joke face. Yeah, I'm single. Dang, well, maybe out here tonight. I don't know. I don't know. I, I, I try to do a better job of putting myself out there. My last attempted romance ended in disaster. It was a speed dating event, and the best way to bomb at speed dating is tell them you like doing open mics. Alright, I'm kind of joking around here, folks. (audience applauds) - Hey, boys. - Thank you, everybody, and see you on the next one. - Oh, good. (audience applauds) (audience applauds) (audience applauds) - You're gonna make it through the sport. (audience applauds) Y-A-O-B, how does it feel when like R-A-Mattie compliment you? - Pretty good, all right, it's working out. (audience applauds) - I love R-A-M-E. - Love R-A-M-E. - Yeah, I love R-A-M-E. - I got to save a joke. I had a suicide joke that, you know, fucking Eastern Europe, conglomeration would have loved tonight, but there's no need to do it. - You already brought the house down, yeah. - Yeah, yeah. - Yeah. - Stay with her next week. - Stay with her. - Yeah, feels good, dude. - Fucking good episode. - Awesome. Just phenomenal. So good. It was so good. What can I say? It was a European persuasion tonight. The Euros were out. - I don't know if it's said that at one point, like fucking like, is it the whitest episode ever? - No, it's not gay. It's European. - This episode is like, well, like, just handler for people in the tent is temporary. - Right, exactly. This was the fucking clan meetup. - I know, the fucking Norway guy, the mother of the book, or the boat. - I know, I know. - It's like, "Honky best." - Let's see, look like Colonel Sanders from KFC. - Yeah. - But like, smarter. - Yeah. - It was a funny, great job, Pat. - Thank you. - I'd do what I'd show. It was awesome. Y'all go spoon off the litter. - Yeah. We did it again. Got to stop. We got it again. I got to pee. - Oh, that's great. Look at that. That's amazing. - It's perfect. - Yeah, I'll get in it too. - Yeah. We got it. - I got to pee so bad. I'll be at the top of the stairs, yeah, I got it. - I'll be at the top of the stairs, yeah. - Yeah, I'll be at the top of the stairs, yeah, I'll be at the top of the stairs. - I'll show a boat on Yaka.com. We'll see some of my work there. - Check it out. I'm Chris Rogers. - Nice day. You're working the whole way, too. I loved it because I poured in my eye. I was watching, like, and first I'm like, "Oh, of course, it's working on the boat. And then, I don't know, by little, I was like, "Shit, he's good." - Hey. It was a good show. - Yeah. - That's deep, right? - Yeah, it was. - Hey, that's wild. - That's a Tony. - The last song was killing Tony getting, like, how long we played our little disco in that song. That was funny, dude. - What do you have to say to him about that? - What do I have to say? - I mean, you know, he ain't the only one that could go on long-range. - We just, you know, ours is musical. He used his voice. - I got my joke book. I got my joke book. - Four months pregnant. - That's really it. - Yeah. - Maybe not. - First line, okay. - So they said. - He watches everything. What do you get? What do you say? - He doesn't watch anything. - I said make the first line go faster. Come on, Tony, what are you doing, mate? Speed it up. - Tony, you're sexy as fuck! - Yeah, we out here, bro. We get all that merch. - What's up, y'all? You trying to get that shirt, boy? - I'm out of here about that stick. - Yeah. - Bye, guys. - Thank you. - Canada, really? - Easy, Canada. Just graduated school. This is like my celebration. I just wanted to go to kill Tony. I was in the stand-by line and they got me in right away, front row. - Fuck, yeah. - You play defense? - Yeah. - Thank you so much, you guys. I love you, right? Thank you so much. Such a great show. - I can see you out there. - Oh, my gosh. - I'd like to go. - Check it out. - You have anything up there that you need. - Yeah, I do. - Oh, yeah. - I'll see you down there. - Okay. - Make sure you hack up, make some demitsies, all right? - We'll do. - What do you feel about today's show? - I feel great about it, man. You get to do it. You know, there's a bucket's crazy, all different shapes and sizes of people, wild success. I fucking love it. What can I say? I love this show that I do. I just love it. It's corny as that sounds. Fuckin' doctor Chuck, who's unbelievable to get to see some old bases that we haven't seen in a long time. It's great base and a quick set at the end, you know? It's pretty good. And yeah, we just keep moving ahead. When I came from Las Vegas, I had to tone it down. I never. my show was never dirty. But I would say it's something like the word sex. Yeah. And they would say, "Oh, you can't say sex. You have to. " So I had to change like, "Viromantic." - In Estonia, and I'm sure in Russia, they have expressions like, "Through the flowers." You have to say something through the flowers, you know? Yeah, so my, for the last 33 years, this is where I am. But, so this is so far out of my comfort zone. But, but I think the kinds of Filtoni will really appreciate you, you know? I think, yeah, I hope. 100% good at the right time. Not at all. But yeah, the police here like to give me a hard time, because they're jealous of me. And they know the power that I possess. It just, they know that I could, in a fight, I do one of these. They're gone. They're gone. They get their badge over to me. Hey, Chris. Okay, oh, you know what I'm saying. I love watching you on this road. It's happy reactions to like me. You're my favorite. Let's go. You get that? That's how that BTS. Let's go. I'll give you a big one. Oh, man. That's awesome. Thank you so much. Thank you. What's your name? Liz. Liz. I'm Mike. How do you make that shape for real? Now that guy caught on the camera, so you better not, you better cut that, bro. Can you show me what picture you got? Barton? Can you show me what you got? Absolutely. And why did you get that one? Why did I get it? She's cute, so. Alright, another good one. Do you have any weird internet stalkers? There's a lot of people that I don't feel flattered by it. I think they do it to everybody. I can't even go on Kill Tony. I think they all just go after her, so I'm just one of them, just because I've been on Kill Tony. So I don't think it's anything special to me. There's only been a couple of times, for the most part, I just, I beat it and then it was odd. But there's been a couple where I've longed out, because I kind of got a little weird. And I got a little on-talkable, but then I know if they saw me at first, they wouldn't be like, "I don't want to mess with this." They don't want it! They're already. Oh no! No, it's him! What is Parker? Hi guys, yet they let me in, almost the coolest stalker in the world. He's probably cool. Yeah, all the graphic photos of Sarah in my room. Always on the ceiling as well. I think we're moving on. But I don't want nothing at all. If it ain't going to take it back, I need it going to take it back. Some people get regular. Some people just weird as fuck. But everything means nothing. If I ain't got a goal to take, can I please just have.